["Life's Been Good"
by Joe WalsH playing]
Bobby boy, stay Here wHile Mommy
picks up tHe free cHeese, OK?
THis'll keep tHe sun
out of your eyes.
You be good, now.
All rigHt, don't you f**king
move, you little s**t macHine.
Momma's gonna to try to score.
[Carriage squeaks]
WHat tHe Hell?
Excuse me.
WHo's watcHing tHese babies?
UH, tHe fat one's watcHing
tHe little one.
OH, nice parenting.
Leave tHem out Here like tHat
and see wHat Happens.
Yo, f**k you,
you f**king square!
Aw, keep on truckin'.
Did you Hear
tHat f**king guy...
telling me How
to f**king raise you?
Motherfucker, man.
WHo does He f**king tHink He is?
WHat's tHe worst f**king tHing
tHat could Happen to you...
standing in front
of a f**king store, rigHt?
f**k.
f**k.
f**k.
f**k, f**k, f**k...
f**k, f**k, f**k
Mother, motherfuck,
mother, motherfuck, f**k
Motherfuck, motherfuck,
noise, noise, noise
1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4
Noise, noise, noise
Smokin' weed, smokin' wizz
Doin' coke, drinkin' beers
Drinkin' beers, beers, beers
Rollin' fattys, smokin' blunts
Who smokes the blunts,
we smoke the blunts
Rollin' blunts and smokin'--
UH, let me get a nickel bag.
Fifteen bucks, little man
Put that s**t in my hand
lf that money doesn't show
Then you owe me, owe me, owe
Myjungle love, yeah
Owe-ee, owe-ee, owe
l think l want
to know ya, know ya
Yeah, what?
WHat tHe Hell are you singing?
You don't know "Jungle Love"?
THat s**t is tHe mad notes--
written by God herself...
and Handed down to tHe greatest
band in tHe world--
tHe motHerfucking Time.
You mean tHe guys
in tHat Prince movie?
BOY: Yeah, "Purple Rain. "
THat s**t was so gay--
f**king eigHties style.
[WHoosH, wHoosH]
Hey!
Don't never say an unkind word
about tHe Time.
Me and Silent Bob modeled
our wHole f**king lives...
around Morris Day and Jerome.
l'm a smooth pimp
who loves the p*s*y...
and Tubby Here's
my black manservant.
WHat?
MAN: What'd l tell you two...
about dealing
in front of the store?
Now drop tHe kid
and peddle your wares...
someplace else, burn boy.
And for tHe record,
tHe Time sucked a**.
Yo, youse guys wanna Hear
sometHing fucked up...
about Him
and tHat Quick Stop boy?
Are you even supposed
to be Here today?
Don't get me started.
Hey, can't we do sometHing...
about tHose two stoners
Hanging around...
outside tHe store all tHe time?
WHy? WHat'd tHey do now?
l'm trying to watch
"Clash of the Titans"...
and all l can hear
is those two...
screaming about Morris Day
at the top of their lungs.
l thought the fat one
didn't really talk that much.
What, am l producing
an A&E biography about them?
Uh, two packs of wraps.
Yo, how was the service?
What service?
The one at the Unitarian church
last week...
where you two got married
to each other.
What the hell
are you talking about?
Jay said you guys had
a "Star Wars" theme wedding...
and you tied the knot
dressed like Stormtroopers.
And he says you're the b*tch,
and you're the butch.
l'm the b*tch?
Well, if we were gay,
that's the way l'd see it.
Will you shut up?
BOY: Holy s**t, dude.
The honeymoon's over.
Oh, that does it.
l am going to do something
about these two stoner f**ks...
l should've done
a long time ago.
Whoa!
What the f**k, Serpico?
What'd we do?
We got a report of two guys...
hanging around outside
a store selling pot.
We don't smoke pot, yo.
No pot, huh?
What do you use this for?
What? l have a wiping problem.
l stick those
little pieces of paper...
up my brown eye and bam!
No s**t stains in my undies.
What, you don't believe me?
Let me show you.
Check this s**t out.
Spread my cheeks...
so that he can see
the f**king stink nuggets.
Pull up your f**king pants,
sir--now!
[Farts]
OFFlCER:
Let's go. Let's go.
We're going down to the station.
JAY: What, is it a f**king
crime to fart? Motherfucker!
BRODlE: No f**king way.
Dante and Randall slapped you
with a restraining order?
Ain't that about a b*tch?
So, are you going to abide
by the court's ruling...
or are you going to go
"Bandit," Reynolds style?
JA Y: Thejudge said if we
go within a hundred feet...
of the stores,
we get thrown into County.
You know what they
make you do in County?
Toss the salad.
l guess if you guys
really wanted...
to hang out in front
of a convenience store...
you couldjust
buy your own now...
what with all that money
you guys made.
Hell, yeah, b*tch.
Wait a sec. What money?
The money from the "Bluntman
and Chronic" movie.
Oh, my God. Don't tell me
you have no idea...
there's a movie being made...
of the comic you two
were the basis for.
What? Since when?
Here's the pulse, all right?
And this is your finger--
far from the pulse,
jammed straight up your a**.
Say, would you like
a chocolate-covered pretzel?
You see, kids,
if you read "Wizard"...
you'd know that it's
the top story this month.
Check it out.
JA Y: When the f**k
did this happen?
BRODlE: Well, after "X-Men"
hit at the box office...
all the studios
started buying up...
every comic property
they could get...
their dirty little hands on.
Miramax optioned
"Bluntman and Chronic."
Miramax? l thought they only
made classy pictures...
like "The Piano"
or "The Crying Game."
Yeah, well, once they made
"She's All That"...
everything went to hell.
So you're saying you haven't
gotten a monetary cut...
of the movie?
Didn't Holden McNeil
and Banky Edwards...
used to pay you likeness
rights for the comic book?
We haven't seen a f**king dime
for no movie.
Well, boys, l'm no lawyer,
but l think Holden and Banky...
owe you some of that
proverbial phat cash.
lfl was you guys,
l would find Holden McNeil...
and ask for my movie check.
s**t, yeah.
We gots to get paid.
And on that note,
we cue the music.
-Mat mat mat
-L-L-lum
-Mat mat mat
-Lip la
-Mat mat mat
-L-L-lum
-Mat mat meal
-Ma ma ma, ma ma-ma ma
Well...
look at these morose
motherfuckers right here.
Smells like somebody
s**t in their cereal.
Bung! Ha ha ha!
That was good.
Come on in.
So, what brings
you two dirt merchants...
to my neck of the woods?
l'll tell you what our necks
are doing in your woods.
Where's our motherfucking
movie check?
You heard about that, huh?
l got nothing to do with it.
That's Banky's deal.
He owns the property now.
l sold my half of the "Bluntman
and Chronic" rights...
to him years ago.
Why the f**k would you
do a thing like that?
Why in God's name
would l wanna keep writing...
about characters whose
central preoccupation...
is weed
and d*ck and fart jokes?
l mean, you got to grow, man.
Don't you ever want
anything more for yourself?
l know this poor hapless
son of a b*tch does.
l look into his
sorry doe eyes...
and ljust--
l see a man crying out.
He's crying out, "When, Lord?
"When the f**k
can your servant...
"ditch this foul-mouthed
little chucklehead...
"to whom l am a constant
victim of his folly...
"so much so that
it prevents him...
"from ever getting
to kiss a girl?
"f**k! When, Lord, when?
"When's gonna be my time?"
He knows.
l'm the chucklehead?
You're the f**king dumb-a**...
who gave your comic away,
and now you don't get...
no f**king movie check,
neither.
When you're right,
you're right.
l wish l held onto
a little piece of that thing...
because if the buzz
is any indicator...
that movie's going
to make some huge bank.
What buzz?
The lnternet buzz.
What the f**k is the lnternet?
The lnternet
is a communications tool...
used the world over, where
people can come together...
to b*tch about movies and share
pornography with one another.
Here's what we're looking for--
Moviepoopshoot.com. [Farts]
Poop shoot. Yeah.
This is a site populated
by militant movie buffs--
sad, pathetic little bastards...
living in their
parents' basement...
downloading scripts...
and what they think
is inside information...
about movies and actors
they claim to despise...
yet can't stop discussing.
OK, this is about "Bluntman
and Chronic" right here.
"lnside sources tell me...
"Miramax is starting
production this Friday...
"on their adaptation
of underground comic fave...
"'Bluntman and Chronic."'
Friday? s**t, does it say
who's f**king playing us...
in the movie?
No, but it's Miramax...
so l'm sure it'll be
Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.
You know, they put them
in a bunch of movies.
Who?
You know, those kids
from "Good Will Hunting."
You mean that f**king movie
with Mork from Ork in it?
Yeah, l wasn't
a big fan, either...
but Affleck was the bomb
in "Phantoms."
Word, b*tch. "Phantoms"'
like a motherfucker.
What's up now?
[Cracks neck]
Ahem. All right.
So, here we go. Now, this
is the shoot-back section.
This is where the people
who read the news...
get to chime in
with their two cents.
For example,
we got a guy here...
with the chick magnet
net handle "Wompa One"...
opining on what he thinks
about "Bluntman and Chronic. "
He says, "Bluntman and Chronic
and their stupid alter egos...
"Jay and Silent Bob only work
in small doses, if at all.
"They don't deserve
their own movie. "
-He's got a point.
-f**k him.
What's the next one say?
This is entitled "f**k Them
Up Their Stupid Asses."
"'Bluntman and Chronic' is
the worst comic l ever read.
"Jay and Silent Bob
are stupid characters--
"a couple of stoners who spout
dumb-a** catch phrases...
"like a third-rate
Cheech and Chong...
"or Bill and Ted.
"f**k Jay and Silent Bob.
"f**k them
up their stupid asses."
Who the f**k said that s**t?
A guy who calls himself
"Magnolia Fan."
All right, here,
check this one out.
"Jay and Silent Bob
are one-notejokes...
"that only stoners laugh at.
"They're f**king clown shoes."
Mmm.
"lf they were real, l'd beat
the s**t out of them...
"for being so stupid.
"l, for one, will be
boycotting this movie.
"Who's with me?"
Then there's, like,
fifty more posts...
of people who are joining
Spartacus's here boycott.
l'm gonna kill all these f**ks.
Let it go, man. They're
not talking about you guys.
They're talking about
Bluntman and Chronic.
They said Jay and Silent Bob.
They used our real names.
lt doesn't matter if there's
a comic book version of us...
and a real version...
because no one knows
we're real in real life.
Really?
All these people
reading that s**t...
think the real
Jay and Silent Bob...
are a couple jerkoffs...
because of what all
these d*ckheads are writing...
about the comic book
Jay and Silent Bob.
Maybe one night
me and Lunch Box are out...
we're mackin' some chick
and s**t, and she's, like...
"Ooh, l wanna suck
youse guys' d*cks off"...
and she's, like,
"What's your names?"
And l'm, like,
"Jay and Silent Bob."
Reco'nize.
And she's like, "Oh,
l've read on the lnternet...
"that fuckin' youse guys...
"are a couple of little
fuckin' jerkoffs."
And then she goes and sucks two
other guys' d*cks off instead.
Well, f**k that.
We gotta put a stop...
to these fuckin' hateful
sons of bitches...
before they ruin our good names.
First of all, l don't know
how good your names are.
Second of all, there's
not much you can do...
about stopping this bile.
The lnternet has given
everyone in America a voice...
and evidently, everyone
in America has chosen...
to use that voice
to b*tch about movies.
As long as there's a "Bluntman
and Chronic" movie...
the net nerds are gonna
have something negative...
to say about it.
Well, wait a second.
lf there wasn't a "Bluntman
and Chronic" movie...
then those f**kers
wouldn't be saying s**t...
about Jay and Silent Bob,
right?
They're not saying
anything about you now, OK?
They're talking about
fictional characters.
Fictional characters.
Am l--am l getting
through to you at all?
So all we gotta do is go stop...
the fuckin' movie
from gettin' made.
Yeah, and forego the hundreds
of thousands of dollars...
that you two would be
entitled to in the process.
What are you, f**king retarded?
l don't think
l'm alone in the world...
in imagining this flick
may be the worst idea...
since Greedo shooting first.
You know, it--
a Jay and Silent Bob movie?
Who would pay to see that?
But, since it
appears inevitable...
l recommend that you guys
go hunt Banky down...
and get yo' mother-fuckin'
movie check...
as you so succinctly put it...
'cause that's
what's important, right?
Um, no, Holden McNeil.
The important thing here
is a fuckin' bunch...
of motherfuckers
we don't even know...
callin' us a**holes
on the lnternet...
to teenagers and guys
who can't even get laid.
Puttin' a stop to that
is the most important thing...
we could ever do.
So when's this movie
gettin' made?
Uh, they start this Friday.
So if today's Tuesday,
that gives us...
Eight days.
Uh, three by my count,
but close.
JA Y: Right.
My bad.
Three days to stop
that fuckin' stupid movie...
from gettin' made.
Come on, Silent Bob.
We're goin' to Hollywood.
Tickets?
Since when did they start
charging for the bus?
Didn't we used
to ride that s**t...
to school every morning
for free?
This sucks balls, man.
How come we
ain't gettin' no rides?
HlTCHHlKER: 'Cause you're
doing it all wrong.
You gotta give the driver
a little incentive.
Like how?
Like this...
Yeah, but what happens
when they pick you up...
and you don't make
with the head?
Don't they kick your a**
to the curb?
Sure, if you don't
make with the head.
Yeah. Hey, if it'll get me...
a couple of hundred miles
across the country...
l'll take a shot in the mouth.
Yeah, but we ain't gay.
Don't be so suburban.
lt's the new millennium.
Gay, straight--
it's all the same now.
There are no more lines.
Well, there's a line, and on
this side of it, we ain't gay.
Hey, all the hitchers do this.
Why do you think
people pick us up?
lf you get a ride,
it's expected.
l don't care who the driver is.
lt's the first rule in the book.
What book?
The unwritten book of the road.
[Horn honks]
Follow the rules
of the book...
and you get where
you're going in no time.
Excuse me.
[Horn honking]
[Tires screech]
[Horn honks]
SlNGER: l don't care
ifit rains or freezes
You both don't have
to sit back there.
Why doesn't one of you
come sit next to me?
Where are you boys from?
JA Y: New Jersey, but we're
on our way to Hollywood.
Oh, Hollywood, huh?
That's a long ways away.
Yeah. Thank God
you picked us up.
Well, do unto others.
That's what the Book says.
Wait a sec.
You follow the book, too?
l live my life by it.
You?
NUN: Of course. So...
you live by the Book, too?
Well, you picked us up,
didn't you?
l gotta.
Well, that's good to hear.
But it's a lot easier to say
that you live by the Book...
than to actually do it.
Can you do it?
All right.
JA Y: Mmm, mmm.
[Nun screams]
-NUN: Whoa!
-[Thud]
l can't believe this s**t.
Five hours
and not a single ride.
Every day people
hitch to Hollywood...
to stop studios from
making films about 'em...
but when you and me try it...
it's like we're trapped
in a fuckin' cartoon.
[Horn honks]
[Ruff ruff ruff]
Zoinks, yo.
Now we can finally
solve the mystery...
of the hitchhiking ghouls.
Pull off their masks and
let's see who they really are.
l don't think they are masks.
DAPHNE: And l don't think...
that they're hitchhiking
girls, either.
Ghouls, you fuckin' moron,
not girls.
l wish they were
hitchhiking girls--
sexy hitchhiking girls.
FRED: Let's kick 'em out.
We've got a mystery to solve.
The only mystery here
is why we take our cues...
from a d*ck in a neckerchief.
Keep it up, beatnik.
l'll feed you
to the fuckin' dog!
l can't take
all of this fighting!
Yo!
Youse guys need to turn
those frowns upside down.
And l gotjust
the thing for that.
We call it...
Doobie Snacks.
STEPPENWOLF:
l like to dream
Yes, yes
Right between
the sound machine
On a cloud ofsight
l drift in the night
Anyplace it goes is right,
Goes far
[Ruff ruff]
To the stars
away from here, well
Ri, Ray and Rirent Rob.
We can find
[Laughs]
-l think they passed out.
-Great.
FRED: What do we do
with them now?
Let's cut out their kidneys and
sell it to the black market...
and leave 'em in a seedy
motel bathtub full of ice.
Aaah!
No, no, no!
You see something?
See anything?
f**k, man, l had
a horrible dream.
Yo, man, l'm hungry.
Where can we get some breakfast?
CHORUS: Who's a friend to
the king of all the monkeys
[Cow moos]
Yeah.
["Mooby the Golden Calf"
plays indistinctly]
Ooh, check that s**t out,
man, the lnternet.
Let's see if those f**ks
wrote something new...
about us and that
stupid-a** flick.
[Gunshot on computer]
[Mouse button clicks]
"Any movie based
on Jay and Silent Bob...
"are gonna lick balls...
"because they both,
in fact, lick balls."
Motherfucker.
lt's time
we wrote something back.
Type this s**t down.
All you motherfuckers
are gonna pay.
You all are the ones
who are the ball-lickers.
We're gonna f**k
your mothers while you watch...
and cry like
little whiny bitches.
Once we get to Hollywood
and find those Miramax f**ks...
who is makin' the movie...
we're gonna make them
eat our s**t...
then s**t out our s**t...
and then eat their s**t
that's made up of our s**t...
that we made 'em eat.
And then all you motherfucks
are next.
Love, Jay and Silent Bob.
[Gunshot on computer]
JA Y: That'll show those f**ks.
Now we can eat
our Egg-a-Mooby Muffin...
then get back on the road...
go to Hollywood,
and stop those f**ks...
from makin' that movie.
No more hairy-bush nuns,
no more dogs.
We keep our eye on the prize
and let nothing...
and l mean nothing,
distract us.
[Cow moos]
Holy s**t.
BON JOVl:
Your love is like bad medicine
Bad medicine is what l need
Whoa oh oh, shake it up
Just like bad medicine
There ain't no doctor
that can cure my disease
Bad medicine
[Music stops]
l ain't got a fever
Got a permanent disease
[Music stops]
lt'll take more than a doctor
To prescribe a remedy
l got all the symptoms,
count 'em, 1, 2, 3
First l need
That's what you get
for falling in love
[Gasping]
You get a little,
but it's never enough
On your knees
That's what you get
for falling in love
Oh, my God.
Do you get free refills
with that?
Oh, what, this?
No, l use this
for protection, you know...
so no guys try to grab
my s**t or anything.
Ha ha!
Hi, l'm Justice.
And l am so fuckin' yours.
l mean, hi. l'm Jay...
and this is my hetero
life mate Silent Bob.
lt's nice to meet you.
JA Y: Justice, huh?
That's a nice name.
[Quietly] Jay and Justice
Sittin' in a tree
F-U-C-K-l-N-G
So, you come around here often?
Oh, l'm not from around here.
My friends and l
are on a road trip.
Your friends, huh?
Where they at?
JUSTlCE: Oh. Let's see.
Out there by that van.
RUN-DMC:
Unconceivable, unbelievable
Grammar like a hammer,
information receivable
Sent by the Lord,
here and abroad
With words that were thought
they could retort
For force because that makes
run the boss
So get lost because
ljust tossed the poss
Make way today,
and ifl may, l say
l make pay with Jay
So get away, OK
Hi.
Dude, l think
l just filled the cup.
Ladies, ladies, ladies.
Jay and Silent Bob
are in the hiz-house.
Who the f**k are these guys?
This is Jay and Silent Bob.
Guys, this is Sissy...
Missy, and Chrissy. Here.
Where the f**k
did they come from?
JUSTlCE: l met 'em inside.
They're gonna hitch a ride.
SlSSY: Yeah, l don't know if
that's such a good idea, Jussy.
JA Y: Sure it is, Juggs.
MlSSY: Oh, my God.
He just called Sissy "Juggs."
-l'm on it.
-Chrissy, no.
We're in the middle
of suburbia, Chrissy.
Let's try and act like it.
What's with the knife?
We having cake or something?
s**t. He's retarded to boot.
Yo, she called you retarded.
SlSSY: What is wrong
with you, Justice?
You do remember
where we're going, don't you?
And we have a job to do?
They're just gonna tag along
for a few miles.
They won't get in the way,
l swear.
l swear, l don't know
what's going on...
in your fuckin' brain lately.
Please?
Look, fine.
They can ride with us...
but they are so out of here
before we get to Boulder.
-Honest lnjun.
-[Mocking] Honest lnjun.
Shut up.
God, l can't believe
what a pushover you are.
l can't believe fine-a** bitches
like yourself eat that s**t.
Don't you know
fast food makes girls fart?
Hey, what's all
this talk about farting?
WOMEN: Hi, Brent.
This is Brent.
He's with us, too.
Brent, tell these sillies
that girls don't fart.
Oh, of course they don't.
Only skeevy stoners fart.
What up, homies?
Wow. Three guys, four girls.
What's the count, boys?
Let's rock.
BRENT: Hey, Mr. Science Guy
Don't spray that aerosol
in my eye
For l do--
For l--
l don't really wanna die
l'm a noble rabbit
What are you guys,
like a cover band or something?
We're the Kansas State chapter
of SAAC--
Students Against Animal Cruelty.
And we're on our way
to Colorado...
to give Provasik
a piece of our minds.
-Whoo! Yeah!
-Whoo hoo!
What the f**k are you bitches
babbling about?
Hey!
Watch the language, little boy.
There's females present. Huh.
JUSTlCE:
Provasik Pharmaceuticals...
is a medical lab
where they perform...
gross experiments on animals.
JA Y: What kind of animals
are we talkin' about here?
Bears, rhinos, and s**t?
No, more like dogs, cats,
rabbits, muskrats, beavers.
Heck, even monkeys.
lf we don't speak up for them,
who will?
Right, Jussy?
Right, Brent.
[Chuckles]
Uh, Brent, can l talk to you
over here for a second?
Yeah, sure.
[Sniffs]
Be honest, yo,
you're down with this...
for the fine-a** p*s*y, right?
[Scoffs] l'm down with this
because l love animals, stupid.
Even sheep?
Of course.
Sheep are beautiful creatures.
They are beautiful, aren't they?
Oh, God, yes.
So that means
you'd f**k a sheep, right?
What is your damage, little boy?
You got a sick and twisted
world perspective.
No, you're misunderstanding me,
Prince Valiant.
l mean,
if you were another sheep...
would you f**k a sheep
if you were another sheep?
Oh. Since you put it that way,
you bet your a** l would.
[lnhales] Thought so.
[Chuckles]
Yo, this motherfucker
ain't one of us!
He said he'd f**k a sheep!
Wait! No!
Aaah! Unhh!
[Guitar crunches musically]
Now who's stupid,
you dirty sheep f**ker!
PJ HARVEY: l can't believe
life's so complex
What the f**k
are we gonna do now?
Shut up, l'm thinking.
ls Hollywood near
where we're going?
ls that where
you guys are from?
Yeah, right. Jersey represent.
JUSTlCE: Oh.
A Jersey boy.
Well, what brings you
all the way out here?
We couldn't hang around
the Quick Stop no more...
'cause of
the restraining order...
which sucks a**
'cause it's been like...
mine and Silent Bob's home
since we were kids.
Silent Bob even
busted his cherry there.
You did?
Oh, l bet she was a lucky girl.
[Chuckles]
Look, f**k that fat f**k.
l'm trying
to tell a story here.
Oh. Sorry.
Anyway, we were talking
to Brodie...
and he told us about the
"Bluntman and Chronic" movie.
So we went
to see Holden McNeil...
and he showed us the lnternet.
And that's where we found...
all these little
fuckin' jerkoffs...
talkin' s**t about us.
So we decided
to go to Hollywood...
and stop the movie
from gettin' made.
And now we're here.
l have no idea
what you just said.
l get that a lot.
So you like animals, huh?
Sure.
That's cool. Even snakes?
Well, you can't
exclude an animal...
just 'cause they're not cuddly.
Of course l like snakes.
How 'bout trouser snakes?
Ooh. What's a trouser snake?
Uh...
[Deep laughter]
What the f**k
are you waiting for?
She went for the setup.
Reach in your pants
and pull your c**k out, b*tch.
Girls like that kind of s**t.
[Deep laughter]
Right about here's...
where the angel's
supposed to show up...
and tell you not
to pull your d*ck out...
but we b*tch-slapped
that motherfucker...
and sent him packing,
so it's smooth sailing.
Let him rip, boy.
Jesus loves
the little children
Oh, sorry l'm late.
So what's the deal here?
Oh, s**t.
Don't tell me you're...
thinkin' of whippin'
your d*ck out...
at this fine piece
of woman, are you?
Tell you what.
Look over at Silent Bob...
and see if he thinks
it's a good idea...
you whip your d*ck out.
[Choir singing]
That's it, boy.
Put the d*ck down.
You gotta go
from the heart, yo.
No little perv bulls**t's
gonna work for this one.
Be smooth.
Be Don Juan de la Nooch.
l gotta go beat the s**t
outta...
two sucker-punchin'
little bitches.
Remember, don't pull
your d*ck out until she asks...
or until she's sleepin'.
Bye.
Don't ask.
So what can a smooth
pimp daddy like myself...
do to help the animals?
Oh, you really don't want
to help us.
What the f**k
are you talkin' about?
Sure l do.
l'd do anything for you.
l mean youse guys.
l'd do anything
for youse guys...
'cause for the lift and s**t.
JUSTlCE: OK, well, um...
let me just talk
to the other girls...
and get back to you.
Why don't you do that?
l'll be right here waitin'.
f**k you, fatty.
[Door chimes]
-[Door chimes]
-Thank you.
Whew. [Sighs]
Uh, you guys
want anything from inside?
-No, we're cool.
-No? OK.
Just isn't the same, is it?
This place licks balls
compared to the Quick Stop.
Speakin' of lickin' balls, man,
how 'bout that Justice chick?
She is too fine.
And she smells
so fuckin' pretty.
She has a nice voice, too.
And that body--
fuckin' smokin'.
You know, she didn't
tell me to f**k off once...
when l was talkin' to her...
or pull out the fuckin'
pepper spray or anything.
You know, Lunch Box,
she could be the one.
Smooth move, Justice.
-Nice going, four eyes.
-Ow!
Why the f**k did you
let that little stoner...
throw Brent out of the van?
JUSTlCE: Oh, please.
lfl had to listen...
to one more
of those stupid songs...
l was gonna
throw him out myself.
We needed Brent, Justice.
He was our patsy, remember?
We'll just find someone else.
Besides, l didn't
see you trying...
to stop Jay
from throwing him out.
Yeah, l didn't want
to blow our cover.
Cover, schmover.
You all hated his songs, too.
Not as much as l hate you.
We have a very simple gang
here, Justice.
l'm the brains,
Chrissy's the brawn...
and Missy's the tech girl...
but lately, l'm having
a little trouble...
figuring out
what you're doing here.
s**t, your name doesn't
even fit the rhyme scheme.
Since you let our patsy slip
away, you've gotta convince...
the little kid and the fat guy
to take his place.
They've gotta break
into Provasik now.
Uh-uh.
Uh-huh. You'll do it or you're
out of the gang, Justice.
Just use the little one's
crush on you to convince him...
since he's so f**king
in love with you.
Jay? No, he's not.
What am l, blind?
He wasn't kissing your hand
in the back of the van...
like he was
f**king Lord Byron?
Well, maybe he just has manners.
Yo, baby, you ever have
your a**hole licked...
by a fat man in an overcoat?
Yeah.
We got about two hours
before we get to Boulder.
That'll give you
plenty of time to work on him.
-l'm not gonna do it.
-Why the f**k not?
Because he's just so innocent!
Look at him.
[Squeaking]
Who's it gonna be, Jussy,
him or us?
Steal a monkey?
s**t, no problem.
lt's not stealing a monkey.
l mean, it's liberating it--
Wait a second.
Did you say "no problem"?
Yeah. f**k,
we steal monkeys all the time.
Right, Lunch Box?
Well, it's not like
it's a bad thing.
l mean, it's for a good cause.
Oh, it's for the best cause,
ma cherie--the cause of love.
Snoogans.
-What the heck is that?
-What's what?
Snoogans, l believe it was.
What the f**k
do you think it means?
-lt means l'm kidding.
-Oh. Well, that's too bad.
[Music plays quietly]
l can't believe
l'm gonna get some p*s*y
For stealing the monkey
Stealing the little monk--
lf l had known
that s**t earlier...
man, l'd have been
stealin' monkeys...
since l was, like,
seven and s**t.
Don't, motherfucker.
Don't you ruin this for me.
Me and Justice are gonna
get married one day...
so don't be giving me
no look like, "Oh...
"we ain't gonna steal
the monkey and s**t."
l'm Morris Day,
you're Jerome, b*tch.
Don't forget that.
That girl--
that girl's in love with me.
They're gonna do it.
Good. They do their part,
and we'll do ours.
Oh, hey, remember. We meet
back here when you're done.
You sure you're OK with this?
As sure as l am that you're
the hottest b*tch l ever seen.
-f**ker!
-Easy, tigress.
What's twistin'
this b*tch's tit?
Maybe it's because women don't
like to be called bitches, Jay.
They don't?
How 'bout "fine piece of a**"?
How about not?
What the f**k am l supposed
to call you, then?
Something sweet, you big goof.
Something nice.
Boo-Boo Kitty-f**k?
[Justice laughs]
OK, that's a start.
[Chuckles]
Jay, uh, before you go...
could you say something into
the camera about the clitoris?
JUSTlCE:
Man, you're such a b*tch!
Shut up, Justice.
She's just a little embarrassed.
See, Jussy and l are putting
together this documentary...
for our human sexuality class...
and we need a male perspective
on the clitoris.
The female clitoris?
Uh, yeah.
Jay, you know,
you don't have to do this.
No, it's cool, hon.
There's a few things
l could say about the clit...
l'd like you to hear.
[Jay clears throat]
l am the master of the clit!
Remember this f**king face!
Wherever you see clit,
you'll see this f**king face.
l make that s**t work!
No one rules the clit like me.
Not this little f**k...
none of you little f**ks
out there.
l am the clit commander!
When it comes down
to business...
this is what l do--
l pinch it like this.
Ooh, you little f**k.
Then l rub my nose...
Awesome.
Knock 'em dead, tiger.
-Oh, l will.
-Girls.
So, you think l could get
a little kiss for good luck?
Think l can get a little
blow job for good luck?
No. Go.
f**k.
JA Y: Get offmy Kool-Aid,
motherfucker!
Jussy, come on.
[Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh]
They in?
You could say that.
Time to shine. Let's go.
You are so gay.
All right,
once we get upstairs...
l want complete silence.
Missy whipped this up.
lt counts our decibel level.
lf it goes into the red--
alarm, we're dead.
So that means not even the
slightest noise. You got that?
-l got it.
-Good.
[Beeps, clicks, buzzes]
[Chuckles] Meow.
Justice, move your a**!
[Animal noises]
Whoa.
Check this s**t out, Lunch Box--
animal tranquilizer.
This s**t f**ks you up
like Percocet.
Hold this.
Keep this s**t,
so later me and Justice...
can shoot each other with it and
f**k like stoned test bunnies.
Unh, unh.
Bong!
[Animal noises]
[Fart]
JA Y: Suzanne.
Boo-ya.
Ah
[Cracks neck]
[Farts]
[Buzzes]
[Alarm blares]
Holy f**k!
The little stoner was right!
Jesus.
Move, move, move!
Move a**!
l can't believe it.
Months of planning...
and it's all blown
by a f**king fart.
You can't just
leave 'em here like this.
That alarm's gonna bring
the cops here any minute.
That's always been the plan,
Justice.
They take the heat
off of us long enough...
until we can get out of town.
But--
-[Beeping]
-Ha ha.
Kaboom, you little stoner f**ks.
Let's go! lt's set!
-Whoo!
-Ow!
-All right!
-[Screaming]
[Quiet grunting]
What the f**k you lookin' at?
There ain't no snacks here,
man.
Now, we got what we came for.
Let's get the f**k out of here.
Yeah, l know it's sad, man...
but what are we supposed
to do about it?
[Cacophony of animal noises]
Yo, just open the door!
Oh, s**t.
[Sirens blaring]
Drop the bag! Now!
[Beeps]
[Debris clattering]
No.
Justice.
Justice!
[Choir singing]
[Horn buzzing]
[Police radio squawking]
You mind if l leave that...
there?
ls that...
[Sighs]
My, oh, my, oh, my.
Who let the cats out, huh?
Wait. ls that...
MAN: Excuse me.
Who the hell are you?
Federal Wildlife Marshal.
This investigation's now
under my jurisdiction.
Oh, really?
And why is that?
Because someone let
a whole mess of animals...
out of their cages, sir.
We believe that was just
a diversionary tactic...
used to call attention
away from the real heist...
over here
at the Diamond Exchange.
[Chuckles] Yeah, right.
That's a believable scenario.
Sounds more like something
out of a bad movie.
OFFlCER: Sir...
the Provasik people
say they rounded up...
all their animals
except for one--an orangutan.
The most dangerous animal
known to man.
Sir, this was just delivered
to the station.
What is--what is it--
what is it?
A tape of the terrorists
who claim responsibility...
for the break-in.
Do you have a VCR?
JAY ON TAPE:
l am the clit commander.
Oh, my God.
Plaschke, Willenholly.
Yeah, look, l need you to get
me on the national news pronto.
Why? Because we may
very well be dealing...
with the two most dangerous men
on the planet.
This is Jussy's monkey.
Justice died for you,
you little monkey f**k!
[Growls]
Do something, Tons of Fun.
Holy f**k.
ls that thing waving at us?
[Grunting]
Holy s**t, it understood us.
Maybe it's some kind
of super monkey.
[Razzes]
You're my fuckin' b*tch.
You get my back.
Don't be taking
this fuckin' chimp's side.
What if there's more
super monkeys up at that lab?
Maybe they're making
an army of 'em up there.
Holy s**t!
Maybe it's a conspiracy,
like in the "X-Files"...
Roswell-style.
[Razzes]
JA Y: This little monkey...
could be the fuckin'
damn dirty ape...
responsible for the fall
of the human race.
Aaah!
JA Y: ln this world gone mad,
we won't spank the monkey...
the monkey will spank us.
l'm not even supposed
to be here today.
Aaah!
JA Y:
And after the fall ofman...
these monkey f**ks will
start wearing our clothes...
and rebuilding the world
in their image.
[Monkeys screeching]
Oh, when only those
as super-smart as me...
will be left alive
to bitterly cry...
you maniacs!
Damn youse!
God damn youse all to hell!
s**t.
Not on my watch, motherfucker.
Die, you super monkey f**k!
Aah!
All right, you can live...
for now.
Did you see that s**t, man?
Bitches love me.
Come on,
let's get something to eat.
[Razzes]
What, man, we ain't hiding
in the woods no more.
We gotta get to Hollywood.
Besides,
we're in the clear, yo.
lt's not like anyone
knows we stole the monkey.
b*tch.
[News theme plays]
l'm Reg Hartner with an
exclusive "News Now" bulletin.
The Provasik animal-testing
facility in Boulder...
was the focus of an attack
by a terroristic...
primate rescue syndicate
calling themselves...
the Coalition for Liberation
of ltinerant Tree-dwellers...
or simply C.L.l.T.
ln a videotape sent
to authorities this morning...
credit for the liberation
of an orangutan...
from the lab last night
is taken by these men--
identified in literature
that accompanied the tape...
as Jay and Silent Bob.
ln this chilling clip,
they make it very clear...
that they are in control
of the C.L.l.T.
[Distorted] We are the C.L.l. T.
None ofyou are safe.
Now tremble before the might
of our merciless leader.
l am the C.L.l.T. commander!
Terrifying.
Now here to help us
explain this footage...
is Federal Wildlife
Marshal Willenholly.
Marshal Willenholly,
thanks for joining us.
At this point, what can you
tell us about the C.L.l.T.?
From the intelligence
we've been gathering...
we've discovered
that the C.L.l.T...
is actually a tiny offshoot
of the L.A.B.l.A.
Uh, the Liberate Apes Before
lmprisoning Apes movement?
Exactly.
Now, the two men
that you saw in the video...
they go by the obvious code
names of Jay and Silent Bob.
lf anyone out there
should come across them...
or any other C.L.l.T.ies,
please exercise extreme caution.
See? Told you that restraining
order was a good idea.
What response
do you hope to elicit...
by putting this kind
of pressure on the C.L.l.T.?
lt's a difficult situation.
You don't want to rub
the C.L.l.T. the wrong way.
Nights like this...
-l miss dating a lesbian.
-[Ring]
ls that your cell phone, sir?
Plaschke.
Give me a friggin' break.
l'm on my way.
We've got 'em.
They're in Utah.
Citizens of Utah...
stimulation of the C.L.l.T.
is not recommended.
Well, your plan worked.
The news is all about
Jay, Bob, and your C.L.l. T...
with almost no mention
of the diamond heist.
l told you those two
were the perfect patsies.
Don't you have any regret?
Jay and Bob don't deserve this.
They were really sweet.
The only thing l regret
is not gutting...
that little trout-mouth prick
like a fish...
and playing twister
with his vitals. Mmm!
SlSSY: You know,
l don't get you, Justice.
You used to be
all about this girl stuff--
stealing, boning,
blowing s**t up...
and now you're like this
little priss with a conscience.
lt's really a f**king drag.
We all gotta grow up sometime.
Oh, ifmoping around
over some boy
you're crushing on
is growing up...
then pass me
my Wonder Woman Underoos. Ow!
Yo, Marvelous Pizza
coming thr--hey!
Hi.
You the gals
that ordered the pizza?
This dopey b*tch
ordered a large plain...
but l could go for
some hot thick Sicilian.
No charge, lady.
Hurry!
[Barks]
l'm sorry, Jay.
You know, Justice died
trying to save this monkey...
so maybe we should
keep it around.
That way,
we can honor her memory.
Now ain't you glad
we came here to eat?
And you
were all piss-scared...
we'd get busted
by the cops or something.
You know what l say.
f**k the police
f**k, f**k, f**k the police
Yo, yo, f**k the police
f**k, f**k, f**k the police
Yo, f**k 'em
COP ON MEGAPHONE:
This is the Utah State Police.
Boys, we know you're in there.
Come on out
with your hands in the air...
and surrender the orangutan.
Think they're talking about us?
[Honking]
Sorry.
Don't shoot.
Hold your fire.
Who the hell are you?
Federal Wildlife Marshal.
ls the monkey in there?
-The ape.
-What?
Orangutan's a member
of the great ape family.
lt's not a monkey.
Look, who's the Federal
Wildlife Marshal here?
Me or you?
That's what l thought.
Can l use your--
Jay and Silent Bob.
Your C.L.l.T.
doesn't stand a chance.
Anyone not harboring...
a fugitive monkey in there
should hit the deck.
We are going to open fire.
[Patrons scream and chatter]
What the f**k
are you waiting for?
Get out there
and give him the monkey.
Look, man, fuckin' maybe
it ain't so bad up at that lab.
Maybe they experiment
on 'em by making 'em...
f**k a bunch of different
good-lookin' monkeys.
-We don't know.
-[Squeals]
You stay out of this,
you weepy little chimp.
f**k, man, l'm no strategist.
You're the guy
who makes the blueprints.
l don't have the fuckin'
smarts of a little...
kid.
Do not shoot!
Don't shoot!
We're just, uh,
trying to take our son...
out of this hostile environment.
Their son?
Maybe they're one
of those gay couples.
[Feedback]
Yeah, we're gay...
and this is
our adopted love child.
We're not from around here.
Don't make us go back
to our liberal city home...
with tales
of prejudice and bigotry...
from in the heart of Utah.
Oh, God, this is
the last thing l need--
a bunch of uppity homosexuals
shooting their mouths off...
to the liberal media...
that the Federal Wildlife
Marshal office persecutes gays.
Are you fuckin' crazy?
Now, they may be gay...
but that's not their son.
That's the ape.
l think l would recognize
an ape if l saw one, OK?
And the only thing
l do recognize right now...
is the political fiasco here
that l'm about to avoid...
by letting this butt-f**king
Brady Bunch go.
Ahh.
You are free to leave, sirs.
Yes, you sirs.
-So we can just go?
-Yes, sir.
Please accept my apologies...
for detaining you
and your unorthodox...
but constitutionally
protected family unit.
Un-fuckin'-believable.
l might add that's
one fine-looking boy...
you're raising there.
Hell, yeah. That's
'cause he's from my sperm.
See, l knocked up this
hot woman friend of ours...
who l f**k on the side...
so l'm not to be
all the way gay...
He loves the c**k.
Well, he certainly
looks insatiable.
-Bye-bye.
-Bye-bye.
[Monkey squeaks]
Well, it's not my way,
but l'll be damned...
if there doesn't go
one happy family.
WlLLENHOLLY: All right, gang.
Let's just shoot
some tear gas into the diner...
and then, when the guys
come out with the monkey--
f**k beans!
That was them, wasn't it?
s**t, l said you love the c**k.
l gotta be the craftiest
motherfucker alive.
[Gunshot]
Flee, fat a**, flee!
[Gunshots]
Head for the sewer!
Stage dive!
Ohh!
[Thud]
[Squeaking]
You fat f**k.
Fire a warning shot
into his bulbous a**.
Suck it in!
Think thin! Think thin!
One rectal breach comin' up.
-Suck it in!
-Gaah!
lncoming!
Just like Winnie the Pooh.
WlLLENHOLLY: Wow!
That was just
an incredibly daring escape.
All right, here's the deal.
You and your men stay up here.
When l corner him,
l'll call for backup.
l'm counting on you, Sheriff.
You've taught me so much.
Ow. Ow. Ow!
f**k this a**hole.
Let's go back
to the station house...
and cornhole us a drunk.
-Yeah.
-Let's go.
JAY: The whole fuckin'
world's against us, dude...
l swear to God!
Put the monkey down
and your hands up!
Let's do, misters!
You wanna get shot?
l didn't think so.
Look, man, she doesn't
wanna go back to the lab.
And for the record,
l ain't gay.
And for the record,
while we're on the subject...
l knew that that wasn't
a real little boy.
For one more record,
he loves the c**k.
On your knees, Texas Pete.
Let's go!
See, man? He's lined us up
like fuckin' circus seals.
Well, l'm goin' first.
l don't want no mouthful
ofmonkey spit...
ifl gotta blow
this fuckin' G-man.
WlLENHOLLY:
What are you talking about?
Look, no one's
gonna get blown--
-Dude!
-Whoa!
s**t!
Wow!
These guys are good.
Very good.
[Exhales]
Yaaah!
Hey, law dog!
[Stops screaming]
Hey!
See you in hell, c**k-smoker!
Oh, f**k me!
Aah!
[Door closes]
Hey! Get the f**k off her!
That's my ex-girlfriend's
monkey!
JA Y: Hey!
That monkey
don't belong to you!
Man, who the f**k
just steals a monkey?
Oh, yeah.
Well, this fuckin' blows, man.
We have one more day
to stop these f**ks...
from shooting this movie...
and they fuckin' took
the one thing l had left...
from the one woman
l loved enough...
not to stick my hand
down her pants.
What, go after the monkey?
How the f**k do we know
where that car's going?
Don't just point like...
Wh--you gotta take a s**t.
No, no, no,
you gotta take a salad.
What the f**k
are you trying to say?
Just say it, man. Don't
make me ask twenty questions.
You could always tell that
stupid Amy story all the time...
but you can't spit out fuckin',
"Yo, Jay, l disagree"...
or "Yo, those are
some good cheese fries."
Just fuckin' say it already!
The sign
on the back of the car...
said "Critters of Hollywood,"
you dumb f**k!
Say it, don't spray it.
SHERlFF: And might l add...
that is one fine-looking boy
you are raising.
[All laugh]
Well...
if it isn't
the wildlife expert.
Heh.
Your office faxed this over.
Now, the guy said it was a post
from an lnternet chat board...
signed by
a "Jay and Silent Bob."
Ahem.
"All you motherfuckers
are gonna pay.
"You are the ones
who are ball-lickers.
"Gonna f**k your mothers
while you watch...
"and cry like little bitches.
Once we get to Hollywood, we--"
They're going to Hollywood.
You see me driving
down the street
l look so f**king good
What? lt's not like cheating.
Justice blew up.
JAY: All right, here's the plan.
First we find out...
where they're
shooting this movie...
and after we bust
that s**t up...
we can start lookin'
for the monkey.
But before we do
any of that s**t...
we gotta find a motherfucker
in the know--
someone like
the mayor of Hollywood.
Crack? Want some crack?
Get you high?
No, man,
but you want some weed?
You on the job?
Yeah, boy!
Jersey Local 404.
DEALER: Ho, ho, man!
Pumpkin Escobar,
Los Angeles Local 305.
Oh, s**t! What up?
Aw, man, it's a small world!
Hey, lemme ask you a question.
You dudes gettin' on medical
out there in Jersey yet?
s**t, no. We might have
to strike in September.
Aw, man. "Norma Rae"
like a motherfucker, huh?
Yo, maybe you can help
us out. You know where...
they're shootin'
a movie around here?
PUMPKlN: You askin' me
a question like that...
in Hollyweird, man?
You got to come...
a little bit
more specific than that.
lt's a Miramax flick.
We gotta bust it up...
so people stop callin' us
names on the lnternet...
even though they're not
really talkin' about us...
but characters based on us.
And at the same time,
find my ex-girlfriend...
who was killed
in a car explosion's monkey.
Man, l don't know
what the f**k you just said...
little kid,
but you special, man.
You reached out, and you
touched a brother heart.
So l'm gonna
give you some direction.
Gimme the map, Scott.
Gimme the map, Scott!
You know where Miramax is at?
Miramax? Ha ha ha!
ls Hollywood ready
for Jay and Silent Bob?
A source at the Federal
Wildlife Marshal's office...
tells us that a posting
was pulled off...
an lnternet movie chat board
allegedly written...
by the two domestic terrorists
themselves.
lt's sending
a shockave through Hollywood.
Jules Asner is on the scene
at Miramax Studios. Jules?
Steve, the tenor of Tinseltown
is one of terror today...
after the Federal Wildlife
Marshal's office has learned...
that hot new terrorists
Jay and Silent Bob...
have targeted Miramax Studios...
for their next campaign
of blood, violence...
and monkey theft.
ln a posting pulled off
of Moviepoopshoot.com...
the gruesome twosome
threatened, and l quote...
"Once we get to Hollywood
and find those Miramax"--
expletive deleted--
"who are making...
"the "Bluntman and Chronic"
movie...
"we're gonna make them eat
our"--expletive deleted--
"then"--expletive deleted--
"out our"--
expletive deleted--"then eat
their"--expletive deleted--
"which is made up of our"--
expletive deleted--
"that we made them eat."
Unquote.
So far we've been unable
to get a statement...
from anybody here
at the studio.
But no sign
of Jay and Silent Bob?
None whatsoever...
what Jay and Silent Bob
even look like...
so for all we know, they could
already be on the lot.
s**t!
STEVE:
Ben Affleck and Matt Damon...
are shooting a project
on the lot.
Have you seen them
roaming around?
JULES: No, Steve, but...
JUSTlCE: f**k it.
[Tires squeal]
OK.
He's got a pass.
Let him in.
We gotta play this just right.
[Both whistling]
Hey! You don't have a pass!
[Blows whistle]
Whoa!
l hate how fake Hollywood is.
Where do you think
you're going?
JA Y: Get off ofme!
Don't.
Echo Base, l've got a 1 0-07...
two unauthorized on the lot,
requesting backup.
RADlO:
l thought that was a 10-82.
No, sir, a 1 0-82 is
disappearing a dead hooker...
from Ben Affleck's trailer.
RADlO: Ooh, that Affleck.
Backup on the way.
Hey, l'll make you a deal.
This guy will suck
your d*ck off if you let us go.
Heh.
Contrary to what you believe...
not everyone in the industry
is a homosexual.
How about this deal?
He'll suck my d*ck
while you watch and jerk off.
All right.
Make it fast...and sexy.
lt's either this or jail...
and you know
what they do to you in jail.
l was a guard.
All right.
And after it's all over,
you say...
"Oh, what a lovely tea party."
What the f**k you waitin' for,
b*tch?
Start suckin'.
Bong-ing!
[Bell rings]
Worth a shot.
Like a shot in your
fuckin' mouth, you gay b*tch.
Ew, dude, you were really
gonna suck my d*ck.
MAN: All right, now,
remember what l said.
Do not look at Ben or Matt
directly in the eyes...
or you will be fired.
Does everybody understand that?
Thank you.
You frosted your hair, though.
Yeah, l frosted my hair,
but it looks good.
This has got to be
the Bluntman flick.
There's those two f**ks
from the Mork movie.
Lips, teeth, tongue,
or lion face?
-Lion face.
-BOTH: Ha!
-Lemon face.
-BOTH: Ooh.
-Lion face.
-BOTH: Ha!
Lemon face.
BOTH: Ooh.
Break it down.
Where we taking it from, Gus?
BEN: Gus?
l'm busy.
You're a true artist, Gus.
Just take it from,
"lt's a good course."
-What, you're the director now?
-Hey, shove it, "Bounce" boy.
Let's remember
who talked who...
into doing this s**t
in the first place.
l mean, talking me into "Dogma"
is one thing, but this is--
Look, l'm sorry
l dragged you away...
from whatever
gay serial killers...
who ride horses
and like to play golf...
touchy-feely picture
you're gonna do this week.
l take it you haven't seen
"Forces of Nature."
You're like a child.
What do l keep telling you?
You gotta do the safe picture,
then you do the art picture.
Then sometimes you gotta
do the payback picture...
'cause your friend
says you owe him.
Then sometimes you gotta
go back to the well.
Yeah, and sometimes
you do "Reindeer Games."
See, that's just mean.
All we gotta do is figure out
how to get closer to 'em.
Get over--OK, you, little kid,
you're here.
Your buddy's right here.
Just stand there and react.
Don't say anything--
especially you.
All right, people!
That's pretty funny.
MAN: Lock it up,
we're going for picture.
Make it happen, guys.
Get your fuckin' hands off me.
f**k off, will you?
All right.
On the count of three...
we rush these f**ks
and beat the s**t out of 'em...
'cause if they're
all fucked up...
they can't make that movie,
right?
Ready?
1 , 2, 3!
MAN: "Good Will Hunting 2,
Hunting Season"...
scene 1 6, take 5.
-Think about the paycheck.
-OK.
So, action, Gus, or...
Jesus, Ben,
l said l'm busy. Busy.
-Ahem.
-[Crowd noise starts]
Yeah,
l do remember the class...
but frankly,
l found it rather elementary.
l remember that class.
lt was just between
recess and lunch.
Are we gonna have
a problem...again?
l was still just hoping
you might be able...
to give me a little insight
into the Southern colonies!
See, Wood says--
What'd l say?
What'd l tell you?
You'd be back in here
regurgitating Gordon Wood.
But you forgot about Vickers.
No, l just read Vickers, so l'm
up on inherited wealth, Hunting.
But you're no longer the angry,
brilliant young mind...
you once were, just itching
to vent your frustrations.
No, you stopped
hitting the books...
with a vengeance,
and now l've read s**t...
you haven't even
heard about yet.
Face facts, my friend.
You're just no longer
that good...Will Hunting.
[Laughter]
Now how do you like
them apples?
l don't like the sound
of them apples, Will.
What are we gonna do?
-Chuckie?
-Yeah?
lt's hunting season.
Applesauce, b*tch.
[Whistle blowing]
Sorry to interrupt, sirs...
but we've got a 1 0-07
on our hands.
Ah, Jesus. Again, Ben?
No, bulls**t!
'Cause l wasn't
with a hooker today. Ha ha!
There they are!
Affleck, you da bomb
in "Phantoms," yo!
GUARD: Get 'em!
-[Tires screech]
-Watch it!
[Thunder]
[Telephone rings]
[Thunder]
Aah!
SHANNEN: All right, you bastard.
Let's see who you really are.
[Pbbt]
-[Pbbt]
-f**king Miramax. Cut!
[Bell rings]
Shannen, usually l say cut.
A monkey, Wes?
l mean, Jesus, you guys aren't
even trying anymore, are you?
What? The market research
says people love monkeys.
We love this monkey!
Do somethin'.
See?
There they are.
There they are.
There they go.
There they go!
[Yelling]
Punch it!
GUARD: f**k!
GUARD:
Those are some magical guys.
[Whistles]
-Aah!
-Aah!
Ew, dude.
l fuckin' knew it, man.
You love that s**t, don't you?
Holy s**t,
that looked like it hurt.
A-are you guys all right?
Let's get you guys
on your feet. Come on.
Hey, wait a second.
Aren't you that guy
that fucked the pie?
JASON: You see, man?
You see?
lt's never--it's never...
"Hey, hey, you were
in 'Loser,' weren't you?"
Or "Dude, you rocked
in 'Boys and Girls."'
No, it always comes back
to that fuckin' pie.
-l'm haunted by it!
-You put your d*ck in a pie.
Enough!
l'm Jason Biggs.
Yo, man, did you really
get to third base...
with that Russian chick
like in the movie?
You mean Shannon? No.
Man, she is fuckin' fine.
lf l was you,
l would've been like...
[Grunting softly]
You like that?
You like that?
What, you never
did one of these?
Wait, wait, none of that.
Oh, yeah.
Done plenty of that, my friend.
Holy s**t, you're the Dawson.
James, actually.
James Van Der Beek.
What's up with Pacey
stealing Joey away from you?
lf l was you, l would've
drowned-ed his a**...
in the creek and s**t.
You actually watch that show?
Yeah, for Joey, man.
She is too fine.
Did you ever get
to third base with her?
Actually,
there was this one time--
Wait a minute.
Who are you guys?
They're our stunt doubles,
dumbass.
-R-right?
-Of course.
Stunt doubles for what?
For the movie that we're
shooting in about 1 5 minutes?
"Bluntman and Chronic
Strike Back"?
Yeah, you're doubling me,
obviously.
l'm playing Bluntman,
a.k.a. Silent Bill.
-Bob.
-Right.
And, uh, and--
and he's playing Chronic...
-a.k.a. Ray.
-Jay. f**k!
Biggs,
you even read the script?
There's a script?
JAMES: Listen to me--you would
last a day on the "Creek. "
JASON: A day?
Wait a second.
We'll be right back.
JASON: f**k you
and your "Dawson's" crap.
Go to hell, Pacey.
Go to hell.
JAMES: At least call me
the right character.
These are the f**ks
that are playing us here.
You take 'em out--
biggety bam--no movie.
Useless little ape.
W-what's with the weird
gay huddle going on over there?
JAY: Let me put
my arm over yours.
Gay? What's gay about it?
lt's two guys talking
in a corner, dude.
-Yeah, but--
-Why are you such a homophobe?
A homophobe?
You're always like,
"Oh, that's gay, man."
"Oh, look at that gay huddle."
"Look at that gay dog."
Dude, that is so gay. l--
Yeah, see? [Mutters]
-l love gay people, OK?
-l'm sure you do.
[Pbbt]
Oh, look at the monkey!
You're gonna tell me
the monkey's gay.
How do you know he doesn't
smoke monkey pole, huh?
Look, he's so cute.
So cute!
-Whoa!
-[Screeching]
All right, you go in there,
start swinging.
Don't stop until these
little young Hollywood f**ks...
are out of commission.
Ready? Break.
[Thud]
[Monkey grunting]
That's one funky monkey.
[Banging on door]
Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek,
this is Security.
There are two intruders
on the lot.
They crashed through a window
we believe might be yours.
Uh, yeah, they're in here.
Do they have you held hostage?
Do you want us
to call your publicists?
No, uh, we kicked
those guys' asses bad.
Real bad!
Well, great job, sirs.
lf you'll let us in...
we'll take over from here.
Um, no, me and Jason Biggs
are naked in here--butt naked.
Together.
Oh. OK.
Well, we'll wait out here
till you clean up.
JA Y: What are we gonna do?
How are we gonna...
get out ofhere without
them fuckin' seeing us?
You've got the wrong guys!
Doesn't anybody watch the WB?
l'm a teen idol, damn it!
Don't you recognize me?
Look at me!
l'm the pie f**ker!
Yeah, well, in prison,
he'll be the pie.
[All laugh]
This was a good idea,
Lunch Box.
ln these outfits,
we're totally incognito.
Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek!
Great. Looks like you've
changed costumes already.
Let's get you to the set.
The director doesn't like
to be kept waiting, OK?
Silent Bob!
Look at all these crackers.
$70 million,
l can't even get a black grip.
lt's a shame.
lt's a damn shame.
Here's your coffee, sir.
-You spit in this?
-l didn't spit in it, sir.
Any boogers in it?
There's no boogers in it, sir.
You went to film school,
didn't you?
Must piss you off
to see a black man...
running a big old production...
like this, huh?
You went to film school.
Does your daddy know that you
give a nigger his coffee?
lt would kill him, wouldn't it?
There's no boogers in it, sir.
Then taste it. Taste it!
Taste the booger flavor.
l know it's in there.
lt's all good, sir.
No, it ain't all good!
Now clean that s**t up.
That's right.
Get me a white boy.
Get me a blonde-hair white boy,
so l can enjoy that s**t.
You the man, sir.
No, you the man,
and that's the problem.
BANKY: Uh, Chaka?
Yeah. Hi, l'm Banky Edwards...
the creator
of "Bluntman and Chronic."
We met a few weeks back.
l'm the executive producer.
Oh, you the executive producer!
Why don't you
executive produce me a latte?
De-cracker-nate it, ok, Fucky?
-lt's Banky.
-No, it is Fucky.
l wanted you to know that l
respect your work as an artist.
l'm something of an artist
myself.
l--l was the inker
on the comic book.
Yeah, man, you a tracer, OK?
Nobody else got the heart
to tell you.
You trace.
You go around the lines.
You are a tracer, OK?
You think Fat Albert
had a tracer? No!
Bill Cosby did the whole
thing with a ruler...
and it was excellent!
[Sniffing]
Crack-crack-cracker?
Crack?
Uh, Biggs and Van Der Beek
are on the set, Chaka.
Well, l don't see 'em!
Where are the stars
of this piece of s**t?
Damn, this must've set 'em back
a couple hundred bucks.
Get out of my way, man.
What the f**k is that?
Look at this.
A gay hood ornament...
and "The Color Purple. "
Who the f**k are you?
Who the f**k am l?
l'm the director!
Chaka Luther King,
that's who the f**k l am.
No, wait a second.
l thought Banky and Holden
created this s**t.
And l'm stealin' it.
l'm takin' it back
for the black man...
to make up for all the s**t...
that you motherfuckers
are takin' from us.
Do you know that l came up with
the idea for "Sesame Street"?
l came up with it before PBS.
The white man stole it.
That's right.
l was gonna
call it "N.W.P."...
"Niggas With Puppets."
Catchy, ain't it?
All right, enough
of this small talk.
-Let's shoot.
-Wait a sec.
Aren't you gonna direct us?
Man, l will direct you
to the unemployment line...
if you don't stop
backtalking me, OK, cracker?
We don't know what we're doing.
We didn't read the script.
Hey, it ain't that hard, man.
l film the motherfucker, right?
Then l yell "Cut."
Then l run the f**k
out ofhere...
go to my trailer, 'cause l got
more white girls in there...
than the first lifeboat
on the Titanic...
and they all want
a part in my movie...
and l got
just the part for 'em.
So you ready to do this?
All right!
Let's roll with the new.
MAN: All right,
quiet on the set, everyone.
Quiet on the set!
Picture's up!
l got you new coffee, sir--
booger-free.
Get that s**t
the f**k out of here.
You guys look pretty badass.
[Bell rings]
"Bluntman and Chronic
Strike Back"...
scene 37, take one.
What are we waiting for? Action!
Um...snootchie bootchies?
What the f**k?
MARK HAMlLL: Heh heh heh heh.
You thought l'd never find...
your precious Blunt-cave,
did you, Hempknight?
But now you and your sidekick
are finally in the grasp...
of c**k-Knocker!
Ha ha!
Why do they call you
c**k-Knocker?
Actually, there's a funny story
behind that. Ha ha!
You're gonna love this.
True story.
Whoa!
Avenge me...Hempknight.
l think George Lucas
gonna sue somebody.
Any last words before
l bust your balls, Bluntman?
-Whoa!
-Wow.
[Bubbling]
Dance, pie-f**ker!
Damn, these white boys
can't fight.
Don't f**k with
a Jedi Master, son.
Yo, b*tch fist!
Call me Darth Balls. Bong!
Good Lord.
Hey, that wasn't in the script.
[Bubbling]
[Brakes screech]
So this is Hollywood?
Well, then lights, camera,
action, Jay and Silent Bob.
[Bell rings]
Freeze, you terrorist
sons of bitches!
Aah!
My God!
Ohh.
Oh! Oh, my God.
Oh. Uh, sorry, everyone.
That was supposed
to be a warning shot.
l'm obviously on the wrong set.
Um, is he gonna be OK?
Uhh...
Not good.
MARK: Ho ho ho.
You are not upstaging me,
Van Der Beek.
Man, this movie's
gonna make "House Party"...
look like "House Party 2."
Or "House Party 3."
-Shut the f**k up.
-Yes, sir.
Chaka!
Call off Dawson, will you?
Chaka!
Can l get a cut here?
Uhh!
Not again.
Now whose balls
have been busted, b*tch?
MARK: All right, that's it.
l am out ofhere.
Chaka, l'll be in my trailer.
-[Gunshot]
-What the f**k?!
C.L.l.T. stops here,
Jay and Silent Bob!
Another white boy
in this movie? Damn!
Federal Wildlife Marshal.
Everyone stay cool.
Go back to making
your adult movie.
These men are the leaders
of a terrorist organization...
wanted for the abduction
of a little monkey.
They didn't really
steal that monkey.
lt wasjust a diversion
so that we could steal these.
And they're not the leaders
of the C.L.l.T.
The C.L.l.T. is not real.
No, no, no.
No, the C.L.l.T.'s real.
The C.L.l.T.'s real all right.
lt's the female orgasm--
that's the myth.
You know
what l'm talking about?
Are you guys all right?
l thought you blew up,
Boo-Boo Kitty-f**k.
You remembered!
Oh, it was a frame-up, Jay.
Missy, Sissy, Chrissy, and l
are international jewel thieves.
We were setting you up
to be a patsy...
but l couldn't go through
with it because l--
because l love you.
Yeah? That means
you're gonna f**k me, right?
Of course.
SlSSY: lfshe does, it'll
be considered necrophilia...
because she's gonna be
one dead b*tch.
Hi, Jussy.
We catch you at a bad time?
You should have just let
these guys go down, Jussy.
l wanted to go down,
but this angel...
popped on my shoulder
and was, like, "Listen."
And l was, like, "What's up?"
Shut the f**k up
before l shoot you...
where you stand in
your pansy red booties.
Holy s**t, l am wearing
pansy red booties.
Why the f**k
didn't you tell me?
Let's have those diamonds,
Justice.
l can't do that, Sissy.
Then lover boy gets one
in the f**king brain.
CHAKA: Yo, lovely ladies!
Would any of y'all
like a private audition...
to be in my movie?
Bring that a** over. Come on!
-Ow!
-[Gunshots and screaming]
WlLLENHOLLY:
s**t! s**t! s**t!
Oh, f**k me!
Ha ha!
Crazy crackers with guns?
Time for me to get
my black a** out of here.
You really let me down, Justice.
Throwing it all away...
for a little stoner
with bad pronunciation.
What's it gonna be, Sissy?
Which fighting style do you
want me to kick your a** in?
Are you kidding me?
l taught you
all your moves myself.
There's no style you can bust
that l can't defend against.
You're no match
for my Shao Lin Monk.
Yeah, but l'll bury you
with my Crouching Tiger.
-A little Venus Flytrap?
-l'll counter with Dragon Queen.
How about a little "b*tch,
My Man Ain't Your Baby's Daddy?"
Bring it on.
Aah!
[Screaming]
f**king stupid b*tch!
Yo, l hope one rips off
the other one's shirt...
and we see
some fuckin' titties...
floppin' around and s**t
in the air. Yeah!
Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek,
l just wanted to say hi. l'm--
Banky fuckin' Edwards!
Just the motherfucker
we came to see!
Holy s**t! What the f**k
are you guys doing here?
Why the hell
are you shooting at me?
Two reasons.
One--we're walkin',
talkin' bad-girl cliches!
-And two--because you're a man!
-Aah!
Only on the outside.
Stop the movie?
Are you crazy?
All these a**holes on the
lnternet are calling us names...
because of
this f**king stupid movie.
That's what the lnternet's for--
slandering others anonymously.
Stopping the flick
isn't gonna stop that!
This isn't fair!
We came to Hollywood,
l fell in love.
Fuckin' we stole a monkey,
we got shot at...
and l got punched in
the motherfuckin' nuts...
by a guy named c**k-Knocker!
You know what? l feel
for you boys, l really do.
But Miramax--
you know, Miramax Films--
paid me a shitload of money
for "Bluntman and Chronic"...
so it occurs to me
that people bad-mouthing you...
on some website
is none of my f**king concern!
Oh, but l think it is.
-Ow!
-Ow!
We had a deal with you
on the comics, remember...
for likeness rights...
and as we're not only
the artistic basis...
but also, obviously,
the character basis...
for your intellectual property,
"Bluntman and Chronic"...
when said property was optioned
by Miramax Films...
you were legally obliged
to secure our permission...
to transfer the concept
to another medium.
As you failed to do that,
Banky...
you are in breach
of the original contract.
Ergo, you find yourself
in a very actionable position.
Yeah.
[Screaming]
You guys are gonna ruin
my movie career.
Well, we want something
for our mental anguish.
Tell you what--
we'll settle this monetarily.
l'll give you half
of what l make.
-Half?
-Half's not good enough? Fine.
l'll give you two-thirds
of what l make.
f**k you.
You already said half.
You can't take it back.
Done.
Your s**t is so tired, Justice.
Call me Boo-Boo Kitty-f**k...
b*tch.
Hyah!
BOTH: Aah!
Hello?
Truce?
[Panting]
l think l killed both of them.
l am an excellent marksman.
l've always--
-[Gunshot]
-Oh...God.
[Pbbt]
Come on, you guys.
lt's over.
You all right,
Boo-Boo Kitty-f**k?
l was just about to jump in
and fuckin' get your back.
-Uh-huh.
-[Sirens]
Holy s**t, the cops.
We gotta get out of here.
No, no, no.
l'm tired of running.
Oh, Marshal.
Hey, you awake?
Wake up, Marshal.
-Oh.
-Are you OK?
Oh, my God, l'm paralyzed!
That monkey shot me in the a**
and paralyzed me!
Oh, sweet irony!
You're not paralyzed.
lt was just a tranquilizer.
Oh, Jesus! Ow!
Tranked by a little monkey!
My friends in the Bureau...
are never gonna let me
hear the end of this.
You have friends in the FBl?
Uh-huh. They all made it in,
but l failed the exam.
Why the hell else
do you think l became...
a Federal Wildlife Marshal?
l'll tell you why!
Because l'm a joke!
JUSTlCE: Maybe not.
l can make you a deal that
will get you into the FBl...
regardless of test scores.
What kind of deal?
You get the charges dropped
against Jay and Silent Bob...
and say
you never found the ape.
ln exchange, l will give you
the diamonds we stole...
and turn in Missy, Chrissy,
Sissy, and myself.
But l want a reduced sentence.
You'd be willing to do that?
For him,
l'd be willing to do anything.
l'm an international jewel thief
who's facing a jail sentence.
That's all right.
l'm a junkie with a monkey.
lf l go to prison,
will you wait for me?
l don't know.
Will you f**k me
when you get out?
Don't change the subject.
Will we f**k when you get out?
Snoogans.
[Pbbt]
Wow, there's a lot of love
in the room.
Regardless of what
you may have heard...
l do not kiss guys.
OK. Play it cool, hotshot.
[Both laugh]
Sorry, Justice. We gotta go.
Hey, stop stealing monkeys.
-f**k you.
-Fair enough.
Wait for me.
What, here?
[Laughs]
Well, boys,
you're rich, in love--
Well, you're in love.
To top it off,
you got your own monkey.
What more could two guys
from Jersey possibly want?
Well, to have these f**ks
stop talking s**t about us...
on the lnternet for starters.
What have l been telling you?
There's not much
you can do to stop that.
Well, short of showing up
at all their houses...
and beating the s**t
out of them, l guess.
You know, with all the money
we're making, man...
we could buy
a lot of plane tickets.
How many people
want to kick some a**
Yeah?
Do you post as "Magnolia Fan"
on Moviepoopshoot.com?
Yeah.
Did you write...
"f**k Jay and Silent Bob.
"f**k them and
their stupid asses"?
Yeah. A while ago. So?
How many people
want to kick some a**
l do, l do
And how many people
are sick ofholding it back
l want...
On Moviepoopshoot.com...
did you say
Jay and Silent Bob are--
quote--"f**king clown shoes,
and if they were real...
"l'd kick the s**t out of
them for being so stupid"?
-Yeah.
-Really?
How many people
are sick ofholding it back
l am, l am
How many people
want to kick some a**
How many people
want to kick some a**
How many people
want to kick some a**
What you gonna do
When you're sick
ofholding it back
That's right. That's it.
Uh-huh.
Right. That's right.
That's right.
That's right. Right.
Right.
l think l'll kick some a**
How many people
want to kick some a**
l would ifl could
But l'm reallyjust
a sensitive artist
l'm reallyjust
a sensitive artist
That's beautiful, man.
Now that was worse than
"Clash of the Titans."
l can't believe
Judi Dench played me.
Heh. Remind me to renew
that restraining order.
Why?
'Cause l'm gonna blast that
flick on the lnternet tonight.
Why can't Hollywood ever make
a decent comic book movie?
-Tell 'em, Steve-Dave.
-Would you stop saying that?
Well...that was just another
paean to male adolescence...
and its refusal to grow up.
Yeah, sis, but it was
better than "Mallrats."
At least Holden
had the good sense...
to keep his name off of it.
Why wouldn't Miramax option
his other comic instead...
the one with you and him
and your "relationship"?
What, "Chasing Amy"?
That'd never work as a movie.
But--
l'm so f**king embarrassed.
Well, honey, you should be.
Took your characters
and turned them...
into one 90-minute-long
gay joke.
lt's like watching
"Batman and Robin" again.
Thanks. That means a lot
coming from the guy...
who pretends to be Shaft...
as opposed to the guy
who takes shaft.
Uh-uh. l don't hear you
complaining nightly.
l don't get out
to the movies much...
but l just have to say
"Bluntman and Chronic"...
was blunt-tastic.
Are these leg cuffs
really necessary?
[Laughs] Don't make me
shoot you, Justice.
Yo!
The party's across the street...
featuring the greatest
band in the world!
Morris Day and the Time!
Ooh ooh ah ah ah!
[Music playing]
l
l've been watching you
l think l want to know you
Know you
l said, l
l'm a little dangerous
Girl, l'd love to show you
Show you
Myjungle love
Oh
O-ee-o-ee-o
l think l want to know you
Ohh
Jungle love
Yeah
O-ee-o-ee-o
Girl, l'd love to show you
Show you
Wait a minute
You
You got a pretty car
l think l want to drive it
Drive it
l ain't playin', baby
l said, l
Drive a little dangerous
l'll take you to the crib,
rip you off
Jungle love, look out
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
l think l want to know you
Ohh, jungle love
Yeah, o-ee-o-ee-o
Girl, l'd love to show you
Oh, wait a minute
-Jerome
-Morris?
l think we need
to funk them up again
All right,
we'll turn that s**t around
Yes, good call
Huhh!
Mmm.
And l'll be, like...
"What, you don't know
fuckin' Jay and Silent Bob?
"The fuckin' mack daddys
of fuckin' Jersey?"
And she'll be, like, "Oh,
l've read on the lnternet...
"that youse guys are
a couple of little fuckholes."
Ha ha ha!
[Music playing]
Yeah, l got a bearskin rug,
y'all sing it
O-ee-o-ee-o
l got a fireplace,
yo, l can't hear ya
O-ee-o-ee-o
Well, l'm all the way
live L.A.
O-ee-o-ee-o
Oh, the things l can do to you
Play it
[Cheering]
Yeah
Whoo!
[Cheering]
lt's like l don't care
about nothin', man
Roll another blunt
Yeah
Ooh ooh ooh
Aw, cool
[lnhaling]
La da da da da da
Yeah, yeah
La da da da
La da da da
La da da da
La da da daaa
Yeah
l was gonna clean my room
Until l got high
l was gonna get up
and find the broom
But then l got high
My room is still messed up,
and l know why
Why, man?
Yeah, 'cause l got high
Because l got high
Because l got high
La da da da da da da
l was gonna go to class
Before l got high
Come on, y'all, check it out
l coulda cheated,
and l coulda passed
But l got high
l'm taking it next semester,
and l know why
Why, man?
Yeah, 'cause l got high
Because l got high,
because l got high
Go to the next one
l was gonna go to work
But then l got high
Ooh ooh
ljust got a new promotion
But l got high
La da da da da da
Now l'm selling dope,
and l know why
Why, man?
Yeah, 'cause l got high
Because l got high
Because l got high
La da da da da da da
l was gonna go to court
Before l got high
l was gonna pay
my child support
But then l got high
No, you wasn't
They took my whole paycheck,
and l know why
Why, man?
Yeah, 'cause l got high
Because l got high
Because l got high
La da da da da da da
l wasn't gonna run
from the cops
But l was high
l'm serious, man
l was gonna pull
right over and stop
But l was high
Now l'm a paraplegic,
and l know why
Why, man?
Yeah, 'cause l got high
Because l got high
Because l got high
La da da da da da da
l was gonna pay my car note
Until l got high
Say what, say what
l wasn't gonna gamble
on the boat
But then l got high
Now the tow truck's
pulling away, and l know why
Why, man?
Yeah, 'cause l got high
Because l got high
Because l got high
La da da da da da da
l was gonna make love to you
But then l got high
l'm serious
l was gonna eat yo p*s*y, too
But then l got high
Now l'mjacking off,
and l know why
Turn the s**t off
Yeah, 'cause l got high
Keep going
Hey, do that over, man
La da da da da da da
l messed up my entire life
Because l got high
Go, go, go
l lost my kids and wife
Because l got high
Say what, say what
Now l'm sleeping on
the sidewalk, and l know why
Why, man?
Yeah, 'cause l got high
Because l got high
Because l got high
La da da da da da da
l'm gonna stop
singing this song
Because l'm high
Present tense
l'm singing
this whole thing wrong
Because l'm high
And ifl don't sell one copy
l'll know why
Why, man?
Yeah, 'cause l'm high
'Cause l'm high
'Cause l'm high
Are you really high now, man?
La da da da da da
He really is high, man
Shoop shoop shooby doo wah
Getjiggy with it
Skippedy be bop doo wah
Oh, bring it back,
bring it back, bring it back
La da da da da da
Lee doo doo doo doo
Say what, say what, oh
'Cause l'm high
'Cause l'm high
'Cause l'm high
[Clucking]
Yo, my name is Afroman,
and l'm from East Palmdale
And all the weed l be smokin'
is farmer's hay
Excellent delivery
l don't believe in Hitler,
that's what l said
Oh, my goodness
So all ofyou skins
Skins?
Please give me more head
Motherfuck, ha ha
[Clucks]
Afro-motherfuckin'-m-a-n
M-a-n
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Unh, unh
A-E-l-O-U
And sometimes W
We ain't gonna sell none of
these motherfuckin' albums
Let's go back and hang
some more chickens, cuz
f**k it
f**k the corporate world,
bi-yatch!
JA Y: Snoogans.
JUSTlCE:
What the heck is that?
JA Y: What the f**k
do you think it means?
lt means l'm kiddin'.
[Choir singing]
[Thump]