Good evening, I'm Shana Alexander.
Home Box Office has asked me to introduce
tonight's "On Location"...
...featuring George Carlin.
Tonight you will see a
performance usually seen...
...only if you can get to the nightclubs, colleges
campuses and theaters...
...where George Carlin is a constant sell-out.
A portion of Mr. Carlin's performance
needs special introduction...
...at least, for television.
Its target is languange: how we use it
and abuse it.
Some would simply say that
tonight's language is very strong.
Others would say it goes beyond this,
and would find it vulgar.
Aristophanes, Chaucer and Shakespeare were
vulgar, too, at times.
Anyway, the segment is controversial,
It provoked a legal proceeding at the
Federal Comunications Comission.
In March of this year,
I am happy to say...
...a Federal Court of Appeals ruled in favor of
Mr. Carlin's right to freedom of speech.
HBO intends to provide top programming
to subscribers of widely different tastes...
One proof of that has been their commitment
to bring you the best in contemporary comedy.
In the United States, in 1977, that includes
...one of this generation's
philosophers of comedy...
defining, reflecting and refining
the way we see our own time.
Home Box Office is proud to present
this very important performer...
...but we respect your decision about whether you want to see the programme...
It contains language you hear every day
on the street, though rarely on TV.
For those of you who already know
George Carlin, you're in for a special evening...
For those of you who want to know George Carlin,
I'm glad to be here to introduce you.
And now, George Carlin On Location.
The people who influenced me
for the most part...
I don't know about influence, but made me laugh the
hardest, and I guess the influence would be part of that.
Was, as a child, starting out with Danny Kaye,
Abbot & Costello...
...Spike Jones, the Marx Brothers...
Then, a little older, I liked Ernie Kovacz, Bob & Ray,
and Steve Allen, when he first had those...
...late night shows.
...More so, Lenny Bruce,
Nickels and May, and that line
of craziness, you know.
I don't know how many had their influence,
some did, obviously, some more than others...
...but Danny Kaye was the biggest influence, 'cause
he made me wanna be in show business...
So, that would have to be the
starter, you know?
- What are the most dramatic ways you're forced
to alter your performances for television?
The most important alteration is that
you can't use the body of language...
...which is generally called 'dirty', or 'bad'
or 'filthy' language.
That's the - That's not a big restriction,
if you have something to say, obviously...
...you don't need a series of...
...street terms to make your ideas clear...
...but they are very useful at enhancing ideas,
and enhancing characters...
...and in giving the element of reality
to speech that you want.
You can suspend that
for 6 minutes on television!
I would like to suspend it for 2 hours on the stage,
'cause I think it would take something away from...
...although I'm sure I could do two hours without it,
I just feel that I'd miss a lot of important emphasis...
...if I didn't have access to the
whole language, you know?
When I was on the Ed Sullivan -
This is the funniest...
...scent of s**t when I know it...
When I was on Ed Sullivan...
I had two jokes in one monologue in one
six-minute area house to...
...one was about Wallace, it was during
the time of that election, it was about Wallace...
...George Wallace, and I said "He keeps
calling everybody pointy-headed..."
...It referred to pointy-headed intellectuals...
I said: "Have you ever seen...?"
...the sheets they wear down there? or something
like that - so it was a good joke.
I was referring to the Klan, of course, right?
So that was a Klan joke...
The other thing I was referring to little crimes
we don't worry about in this country,
...like padding your income tax, cheating
on the expense account... genocide!
And that in the middle of the Vietnam war.
So they told me I had a choice
They said: "You can either have the Wallace joke
or the genocide joke, but you can't have both".
I said: "Take out the Wallace, give me the genocide.
Seems like a better joke!"
So, that's all I can tell you, but you don't go
in there to try and change the system, usually...
You go in there to fit within it for
it's your fear on narrow purposes, you know?
Hello! Thank you!
Thank you all! Hello!
Yeah! Thank you!
Within the first few moments
you had the snakes going...
How are you? Alright? You sound... Jesus!...
Yeah! You sure sound like that!
Did you all come in the same
van, by any chance?
It's an awful lot of unity here!
Anyway, good to see you!
Yeah! It's Home Box Office, you know? It's not
our home - yet. But we can watch it at home!
'Cause I never did a concert before that I had
a chance to look at it later...
...and tape it, you can do that thing,
but I have always just avoided it...
...but we're doing a little tape
for home consumption... and...
...have you noticed it?
Yeah! You have a nice character!
That's a-- Pardon me?
Louder? Is the louder family here?
They follow me everywhere!
They've been in every city
I've ever appeared in!
They just sit there and yell their name:
"Louder!" - Yes, I know!
I know! These are the Los Angeles' Louders!
When you do a sound check,
when nobody's here...
...it always changes a little...
...later, and we all get used to how this place sounds...
No, it ain't to you and me, but to the guy
We all meet each other somewhere in the middle,
and if I think of anything really intelligent...
...I'll say it slowly and clearly...
Those periods will be quite noticeable!
So! Have you noticed there aren't
many Chinese guys named Rusty?
I assume the name just never
caught on over there, you know?
Well, that's sort of my job, to think about stuff
that a lot of us are too busy for most of the time...
...little things that occur to us,
we have universal ground, you know?
We have little common areas
of turf that we all meet...
...but stuff we don't talk about, little
experiences, they're just not important enough...
...you think about the economy, think about
your future, your family, you've not time for little...
...things like that...
Did you ever...?
Did you ever belch and almost puked?
I almost puked!
I wish I'd belched, but
puke was involved!
Sometimes you belch and taste the hot dog
you had two days ago, you know?
You might even remember the setting, you know?
The temperature, the breeze, who you were with...
You know, a lot of things, just...
...gone so quickly, you know?
Did you ever clear your throat for another person...?
Someone's talking and he has a hock!
and he's going "hag.g.g..g..gh"
And you go: "Ahem... hem, hem...!"
I knocked it loose!
...so there's sure a lot of
little fun things...
When you're alone, when someone... in...
When you're in someone else's house
and they leave you in the room, any room,
alone, for a moment....
Do you look in the drawers?
Yeah. I do!
Yeah, I don't wanna steal anything, you know,
I just wanna know where everything is...
...in case I'm asked!
"That's right, officer!
The third drawer on the left!"
You'll never get me for withholding evidence!
Sure, well, anyway!
We get to travel around lot of spots alone, you know,
most places we go, we go alone...
Sometimes two people go places,
you know, two people, three, four...
A lot of different size groups we have!
We go places in lot of different sizes!
Sometimes there's 73 of us!
In a place, that's it!
73 of us went there!
Stadium: 80,000 - Giant Stadium!
"Wow! 80,000 of us went there!
"A million and a half view parade!"
Boy, a million and of us getting together!
That's really a big bunch!
So, come on!
You know, there's no place we've all been together!
There's no place where "everybody" goes!
Wouldn't that be great? To have a meeting
that everybody would have to go to?
"Everybody! Over here!"
Wouldn't be great if everybody
came to your house?
[Knock knock!] - Who is it?
"Hold on a minute!
I'm not prepared, don't you strap over!
So you know, some of the kind
of places I'd like to bring us...
...we go to play monopoly!
...in groups of four, five, six...
...I guess, monopoly I still play
now and then, I think...
...you never leave that completely. You know,
if they need an extra guy, I don't start them up!
"Come on! We need...
Oh, OK! Put me in up!"
'Cause I was never very good at it,
you know, I didn't do very well...
...I had a couple of railroads, you know!
...Not a complete a**hole!
A couple of railroads - Snapped at Baltic Avenue
as soon that that became available!
"How much is that? $60?
Let me have that mother...!"
But the best thing I ever had would be...
...oh, maybe one piece of property
on the light blue series...
Nothing on it, of course!
Maybe an excavation!
About all I ever had on
my stuff was... plans!
All my friends had industrial parks, condominiums,
...Malls! "Oh, boy! Carlin!
You're coming down my side now!"
Wow! Big one!
- Ha! Ha! - Tough s**t!
Of course, you can't move your
token, 'till you...
...remember which one you had!
Which token did I have? Was the..? bulls**t!
You had the...! I had the battleship,
I get the battleship every game!
The worst token to
have was the gun!
The big cannon - It was the only token
that kept falling over! You know?
It's the only token that if you throw
the dice anywhere near goes -----"thump!"
"Boyo! Are you the gun?
Pick it up, will you, please?"
"And you? Are you in jail or
"Ok, but put the car on the
outside, if you're just visiting!"
Some guys cared!
That's why they won!
I never won! I was always in there
at the end, though!
...the end of the game, 'cause
I had all the one dollar bills, man!
Sure! 1500 in singles, and they
needed me to make change, man!
...for all their filthy deals!
No, I wasn't that good at the game.
Generally I used to...
...I'd land on chance all the time!
You can't sell anything on chance!
Tried to buy it...!
You get in more fights,
trying to buy chance!
"2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8,
9 ... 10 ... Chance!"
Little man with the hat...
"$200 for being an a**hole!"
"Shuffle them good, that's the
second time I got that one!"
Did you ever go to shake hands
with a guy and he doesn't notice?
You have to make believe it's
something you do all the time!
Something I picked up in college!
Seen it at the supermarket.
What things happen at the supermarket that we all...
...I think, experience, when we're there,
obviously, not when you're not there...
there are things like... Have you ever
selected an item at the supermarket...?
...and began to put it in someone else's...
...basket, by mistake?
You feel alien for a moment,
I almost put that in his basket!
I know it's mine! Yes!
...the maccarroni and the cupcakes, that's mine!
My goodness! Look at this! They were gonna...
- Oh, we have a little trouble with the mike?
OK, take no chance and call me
at the end of the week!
Figure one of you lies the contact
to pass along information...
...no waste of things! Whoa!
Well! Let's see if the jokes get any better!
We've got a new microphone!
Where was I? Oh, yes!
I believe I was over here!
Did you ever, in the supermarket,
walk away with someone else's cart?
They get mad!
Hey! Come 'ere! That's my stuff!
- Not yet, it isn't!
Still belongs to all of us!
If I want to shop out of your cart,
I'll shop out of your cart!
You got any stallions?
OK, let them go!
Do you ever look at someone else's cart and say:
Oh, goddam! Look what they eat! Urgh!
Do this! Get your cart full! Get a full cart!
A whole mound of groceries!
And fill up the bottom part, too! You know what goes
down there, a case of Shasta, a large box of Tide...
Get the whole thing full and go on down to the check-
out counter and look for somebody with just one item!
And ask them if you can get ahead of them!
Pardon me! Do you mind? Yeah! Pardon me!
Do you mind if I get ahead of you? OK!
All I have is a full cart!
Did you ever tried to go thru the express lane
with more than the prescribed number of items?
You have to get in the quick count!
One! Two, three...!
A hundred and eleven packs of franks!
It's all one item!
Go ahead! It's quicker than arguing!
I find the best way to go shopping at
the supermarket is to... be a little hungry!
Don't eat for a couple of days!
Two days is just about right! Any longer than that,
you begin to hallucinate, all the cans look the same!
Two days is very nice! And get good and hungry!
And then smoke eight joints, take
$500 and go to the supermarket!
You buy everything!
Just what I need!
And things you really love,
you buy two of them...
'cause you know you're gonna
eat one as soon as you get home!
But you get over a few aisles in that
condition and you realise that... well...
...you've overdone it a little bit!
You have a motorcade of carts!
Complete! With tow hitchers and
reflective raincoats, man!
You've lost control again!
And whenever you spend too much
money on the supermarket, you have to
start putting back...
...some of the expensive items!
Like: Ham? Canned ham?
EIght dollars? f**k ham!
Get some more junior mints, honey!
I put the ham back!
The nice thing about putting things back
in the supermarket, when you return an item,
you know where you put it, don't you?
You put it anywhere you want!
They expect that! "Dah, put it anywhere, Marge!
They don't care! They don't give a s**t!
"They have guys who straighten that out!
Guys with purple fingers..."
"...come around at midnight!"
"and in the morning everything is back!"
It's a mistery at the supermarket!
Do you ever go to the supermarket in a
head neighbourhood...? Well, obviously you have!
Do you ever go to the supermarket
in any neighbourhood..?
...where people are getting a little higher
than on the average neighbourhood...
...which is pretty high already,
when you think about it!
...but any neighbourhood that's near
a university or near an old...
...an old beaten ghetto, you know,
or bohemian area...
...a hippie neighbourhood, you know!
The supermarket in that area!
Go into the supermarket in the
head neighbourhood and...
...take a look at the cookie section!
Looks like a war zone!
Half the packages are open!
And all the good cookies are gone!
Where the hell are the MelloMars?
- "Oh, hell! We can't get them in the store!
They line up at the truck for MelloMars!"
There's always lots of
shitty cookies, you know!
f**king "Jim's" cookies!
Hell, if you can't make cookies in
62 tries, leave me out, man!
I don't wanna be part of
your experiment, Jim!
Hey, you know? In the supermarket
I'm really a sucker at the check-out line!
Well, I'm kind of an impulse buyer, you know?
Anything that's hanging up... I want it!
Get me a case of C-Batteries, please?
...A dozen razors...
...a subscription to "Woman's Day" and...
...how about that cash register? Is that for sale?
It's a lovely model!
I think that would be it... Oh, no!
I gotta buy the bargain of the week, you know?
...The garbage can full of Juicy Fruit...
44 cents! s**t! You can't go wrong!
You'll never need gum again!
"Hey Marge! We're set on gum!"
That'll be a good feeling, you know!
To be really ahead on one commodity!
Never have to worry about it again, you know?
Like sneakers! "Let me have 66 pairs of sneakers!
Wiil you, please?"
s**t! That's it!
Never have to sweat that again!
Never have to shop for sneakers
again as long as I live!
You know? It kinda makes you feel good!
And you go on to other things, you know?
Now to real work...!
Walking! You know! Just plain old walking,
it's source of a lot of...
...experiences we'd recognize, just that...
I mean, of course, you know,
we walk pretty well, humans!
Got it down pretty good! Wouldn't you say!
"Hello there!" "Hi Dan! Look at this! Still walking!"
...some talking about walking erect,
Homo erectus, or whatever it was...
...'cause I mean, that's one of the few things
that separates us from the lower animals!
Walking and hats! Right?
You rarely see a lower animal with a hat!
If he does, chances are a man
put it on him! You know?
But there are some animals
that walk erect...
For short bursts...
You've seen them, you know?
That's not it and we know it, man!
This is f**king walking!
We know what walking is,
we have a right to be proud!
Being able to walk like that! And a right
to be embarrassed when it doesn't work!
When we walk... dopey!
It's time you did something done, you know?
Sometimes it's not your fault, but you
always blame it on something else...
Just a little mis-step!
Blame it on the sidewalk!
"Can't be me! I'm graceful!"
You seen this?
Not me! f**king boulder
in the road!
Might be the shoes! They're not mine!
I borrowed them!
I have to get used to the soles! Goodbye!
Couldn't be me! That's why I like
with the limp! You know?
Something with the - whooa!
Well, that's not right! Limps don't do that!
'Cause if you got the limp... but you've seen
some guys! Some guys are good, man!
Some guys are really into that limping!
Had it a long time! Five years!
You've seen guys like that!
s**t! They pivot on it!
You've seen those guys!
They go up and...
You see them go up spiral staircases!
"Did you see that? See what the guy did?"
As it was something!
Guys can handle it when you had a limp a long time!
It's when you just get a limp!
When it's a new limp, and you're not good at it yet,
and you go...
f**k! I still need my real leg!
That's when you're not too good!
Do you ever walk and count your footsteps,
how many of them fall on each box on the sidewalk?
One, two and a half...!
Carry a half!
One, two and a half...!
I keep doing math
while I'm walking!
Do you ever look at yourself in store windows?
Gotta check it out, right?
Try to see your profile...?
Sometimes you're walking up the stairs...
...and you think there's another stair!
And you have to go into a little routine,
Throw them off!
Hi there! Hi!
Good thing! Stereos and mezzanine!
Sometimes you're going down the stairs...!
...and you think there's another one!
"How's your dog?" "How's your dog!"
"Said: How's your dog!"
- "He's fine, man! Fine!"
Got new neighbours!
How's our dogs?
My dog has complete freedom!
- "How does he like it?"
- "Don't know! Haven't seen him in eight years!"
What do dogs do on their day off?
They can't lie around!
That's their job!
"Get up!" "It's your day off!"
Has this ever happened to you? Your dog and you
are home, and you're with your person, whoever
your person might be...
and you're upstairs watching TV late at night in bed.
Got the dog with you, got the light on, you're reading,
talking to each other, get half a pepsi there...
...some doritos, man! Everything is nice!
A dog is shown on television...
When a dog is shown on TV, do you try to
get your dog to look at the dog who's on?
"Look at the doggie!"
"Look at the dog!"
"f**k! Look at the dog, you a**hole!
Will you look at the dog?"
They never look where you want!
If you point, they look at your hand!
Yeah! You're trying to get them to look
and they watch your hand:
"Hey! Look at this hand!"
"He's pushing my head!"
"What did I do now?"
Well, for one thing, you missed the dog!
Same situation: Late at night, you're with your
person, you're with your dog in the bedroom...
TV is on, lights are on, you're talking,
still got some pepsi left, doritos, they're
whole lot of good...
...and one of you says to the other...
"Honey, did you fart?"
"I thought you farted!"
Hell! That's not even
one of my farts!"
"The dog farted!"
"Look at him! Kippy!
Why did you fart?"
"Well, he knows he farted!"
"Yeah, I've seen his a** open up!"
"Well, I just happened to be
looking at his a** by chance!"
"I thought he was doing deep-breathing
"What the hell do I know about
dogs, for Christ's sake!"
Now, your dog, you may notice,
Dogs essentially don't care...
They don't care at all...
You've never seen a dog
with a list of priorities...
Dogs have no standards...
Most things they do, they'll do
anywhere at any time...
Except the few that you taught them: "Better
never do that or I'll beat the s**t out of you!"
They do catch on to that!
They can also be made to appear smart
by performing a series of meningless tricks...!
...like chasing a rubber
newspaper that squeaks!
...that doesn't make for intelligence as far
as I'm concerned, dogs are highly emotional...!
The ESP going for them,
their telepathic button!
Not so greatly smart!
A lot of that... Now, your dog might just
embarass you if he gets the chance...
Let's go out to the front of your house,
out to the living room...
And you're there now. Well, your dog
is there, of course...
And you have some friends in...
Some neighbours over, sitting
around the coffee table...
...chit-chat, you know? Talking to each other.
You've brought your pepsi down...
...but f**k'em, let them get
their own doritos...
I'm not here to feed the neighbourhood!
And everybody's sitting around
and the dog...
...is licking his balls!
And nobody mentions it!
Spectacular thing going on there!
If I could reach, I'd never leave the house!
Are you kidding me?
They don't even mention it!
They say things like "Isn't he cute?"
"He's taking a bath!"
"He appears to be licking his balls to me, Marge!"
Yeah! He's been on that one
spot for over an hour!
That's a mighty selective bath!
No, no, no, no! Nice doggy!
No, no, no, no, no!
Nice doggy! No, no, no, no, no!
"Don't you know they have the
cleanest mouth than any animal?"
"I'm just going by where it's been, honey!"
"I'm not a chemist!"
Then, when we have cats, we usually
have them for a different reason...
'Cause of their independence, that's generally
one of the qualities we like, this is certain...
Affection is which I think has to do with
The cats are cool because they're independent! That's
usually people who have them say: "Well, you know..:"
"Hey, he takes care of himself, makes his
own clothes, drives himself to work!"
"I never have to do a thing for him!"
Cat's are cool! Cat's are aloof, and separate!
You know, that's kind of nice...!
Did you ever pet a cat who's lying flat...?
...and by the time you get half-way
his a** is way up in the air?
Oh, look at that nice... Holy Christ!
How did he do that?
"What the hell is that? There you go!
Here goes again!"
They jump on your chest, they put
their a** in your face and go...
What is that? Get him off me, will you?
I don't even know what that is
and I know I don't like it!
I think it has to do with ectasy or something!
"He misses his mommy!"
Huh, bulls**t! You always say that!
You said that about the mailman!
I have a theory on why people
moan at certain jokes!
I'm forced into that position!
Cats have a great quality! Cats have
the quality of somehow...
...never having to pay dues for things
they do that are really moronic...
...dumb things! If you see a cat do
something really poor, for a cat, that is...
...like jumping from the floor onto a table
and landing in four coffee cups...
Did you notice that somehow
they get out of it?
They just go on to the next thing!
There's no post-mortem! No reference
to the dumb thing!
"Hi, I'm doing this now,
look at this, you know!"
I mean, a cat can race across the carpet
and crash into a glass door!
"I meant that, I meant that!"
"I've been practising that for a year!"
That's what they do when they
get behind the couch!
Look behind your couch!
You'll find a cat recuperating!
Yeah, little slings and crutches
and s**t! - "Hi!"
"I have tried to make it to the window sill
from the bed! Didn't make it!"
It is my theory that old folks and kids...
...got a lot in common...
...for one thing, they both look like this...
We call them both "farts"...
Right? Cute little fart and old fart...!
"I'm just an old fart!"
But mainly they're both discriminated against because of...
How old they are, and how old they aren't!
That's how it starts out: "You're too young!"
"You're not old enough!"
Pretty soon they're saying:
"Sorry! You're too old!"
"Jesus, that was quick!"
"I was standing right here!"
Old folks are really just
bent kids, you know?
Sure, it's in between that
we forget how to act!
In between those two states...!
And that, whoa, that innocence that
we have to act as - when? 21?
Now gotta stand, talk, and walk a certain way?
How do you do? I'm 25 - 30, Now, how do you do?
I'm grown up! 35 -40! How do you do?
Play some golf?
Good to see you! Say hello
to the wife! 45?
50? I'm 55! 60 - 65
I'm 70, 75...
Oh! Now I can piss in
my pants again, man!
Kids, besides being...
...are also too little!
It's something they have to put up with...
they're too goddamn little!
You've noticed them, haven't you?
I wouldn't laugh in front of them,
but they're too f**king little!
Kid's been all that time,
all those important years...
...way the hell down there...
Tiny little things! They really do start you out
small when you're a kid, don't they?
"Look at this, Dan! We've got a kid!"
"Watcha gonna do with him?"
"Gonna raise him!"
"Don't plant him too deep, you know?"
For all those years you're stuck down there
and the whole world's up here...!
Or you're stuck down here,
and the whole world's up there...!
Everything's up there!
Everything's build for them!
All the furniture! Heh?
No, they give you one little table and a
couple of chairs in your room, you know?
But your brother sits on them
and breaks them!
You're stuck! Everything's up there!
Hey! Pardon me! Hey! Look out with
the cigarette, will you? Aw! Goddam it!
D'you wanna look for the cookies?
Will you look for the cookies, please?
Yeah. They're up there,
they're not down here!
They don't keep 'em here, they keep 'em up there.
I can't see up there at all!
I've never seen it up there!
I wouldn't know where to look! They're up there
somewhere! Just take a look around, will you?
Will you please look around? Just give it a chance!
Give it a try! Just look everywhere! Open Everything!
Look everywhere! A pie. Do you know where they are?
He knows where they are! Tell the man.
Just give me a hand! Hey! Just tell him!
Just tell him where they are! Hey, come on!
You don't know what's down here!
Well you know about the nap of the rug...
Have a pretty clear idea about the...
...migration of dust in an urban apartment...
You know where all the electrical outlets are!
Well, you're handy as hell
the week before Christmas!
Come here, Dad! I'll show
you where they are! Over here!
That's the one with the
brown mark on it!!
Sure, you're just a little guy down here...
...and your handle is extended...
That's the thing they use to take you places.
"Come on! We're going downtown!"
And simply because you're so small...
Just because you're... tiny...
They pick you up...
And throw you in the air!
You don't see them throwing each other
in the air, do you?
It isn't safe!
Just you! Because you're tiny!
Your uncle comes over on Thanksgiving...
Look at 'im!
Ain't he tiny?
Goddam! I'm gonna throw 'im
up in the air!
've got 'im! I've got you!
OK, here you go!
OK, OK, Oh, yeah. I've got him...
Oh, my God! I'm sorry!
I lost him in the sun!
Have we got any turkey left?
Yeah, there were rules.
I wasn't too good at rules myself...
But I was good at breaking them!
You'd think that would count, you know?
That's a category!
No such luck...
Didn't have a lot of luck with them because
they did not seem logical to me...
...for some reason or another
Now, there were good rules, to be sure,
there were some fine rules...
No running with the scissors...
That's one I always obeyed!
Made sense to me!
s**t! This big mother would
go right through me!
"What are you doing?"
"I'm NOT running with the scissors!"
Another good rule was "No sticking your head out of
the high-speed railroad train window..."
Goddam, dad! Good rule!
Doesn't want us to get
our heads chopped off!
Fuckin' great! Must be having a
great day, dad!
Now, there were some rules that
were not so intelligently drawn, I felt...
Some things that didn't make a lot of sense:
"No running in the halls..."
Hey? Why? 'Cause it looks like fun, that's why!
"No running in the halls!"
Where you gonna run?
In the rooms?
Gotta keep turning in the rooms, man!
Can't get any speed at all in the rooms!
Hallways! Made for running!
Another dumb rule I thought was
"No singing at the table..."
One guy with a bad voice a hundred years ago
fucked it up for everybody else?
"No singing at the table!"
"Because I said so!"
First sign of a dumb rule!
Yeah, you can stand right next to the table
all during dinner and sing your a** off!
That's not covered by the rule!
"I'm standing at the table
during dinner and I'm singing..."
"...and it isn't even
covered by your rule..."
"Sit down, you!"
That was your middle name, "You".
Do you ever, at home, when you...
go to make a sandwich...?
...you reach down past the first
two or three pieces of bread?
...to get the good bread?
It's sort of a survival thing, you know?
It's sort of like a...
"Let my family have the rotten bread!"
"I'll take care of Numero Uno!"
Down we go into the healthy
part of the loaf!
Sometimes you're going down into the loaf
not so much because of freshness or mold...
...but because of the size of the
piece of bread you want...
As we all know, the fat slices are
somewhere near the middle!
Down you go! And you have to go past
about eight or nine slices!
'till you get what you want, and then you hope
they don't rip on the way up there!
...and just before you get them out, the top
eight slices go -"Thump!"- and fold the other way!
Ah! s**t! I just leave them crooked, don't you?
Let them think a burglar made
a sandwich, you know?
God, me, honey? I don't do that!
I never do that!
Then who the f**k is it in my house
who puts away the milk carton
with this much milk in it, man?
Who the f**k put that away?
I thought it was full!
Frozen peas! Did you ever notice that
frozen peas are all the same size?
There are no small frozen peas!
They're all alike!
If you have a favourite frozen pea
and you drop the box, you'll never see your favourite again!
A strange thing... the butter warmer!
We have that!
We were cold! Man originally was cold!
So he built a house - hot box - to live in!
You ever been inside a warm box? Pretty cool!
Cold out here, warm inside the warm box!
Everything was nice until we realized the meat
didn't keep in the warm box...
So he built a refrigerator! Built a cold box
inside the warm box!
Meat keeps fine!
But the butter doesn't spread!
So he built a butter warmer! Put the warm box
inside the cold box inside the warm box!
If you use vitamins, most good vitamins
don't have a trade name stamp on them,
they're blank pills...
They look like vitamins,
but they're not marked!
And if you go on the road, and you take a lot of
vitamins with you, enough for like two weeks...
You might put them in another
big vial, unmarked!
And now you've got and unmarked vial
with unmarked pills in it!
And you're going through some little place
maybe where the cop's got a hard-on that day!
...and he wants to give you a
little trouble with the heat!
He could hold you for a while,
while he "sends these things down to the lab!"
And off your vitamins go, that's why I...
I always travel with
Honest, officer! There's Wilma, and Dino, look...!
"Hey, you're right! Look, it is Wilma!"
Guy had to cut me loose, man!
He had to cut me loose, I had Wilma!
Pussyfoot! An interesting word! That's a rare female
birth defect! A lot of people don't know that!
Somebody has to think
out this stuff!
All that's what I wanted to do,
I wanted to bring a little of the news your way...!
It's time to find out, will you?
Let's take a look at the news...
First of all, the headlines...
Welcome wagon runs over newcomer...!
Terrorists blow up Central America
and leave a note..:!
Off-duty policeman killed by on-duty criminal...!
21 killed in 21-gun salute...!
And a football team dies in sudden death overtime...!
Police fired over the heads of rioters today, however,
they killed 200 people living on the second floor!
Scientists have discovered a new
disease which has no symptoms...!
It is impossible to detect
and there's no known cure!
Fortunately, no cases have
been reported thus far...!
Doctors in Florida claim they're treating a
107 year-old woman who is pregnant...!
They say that because of her advanced
age she will have a grown-up!
A man has barricaded himself
inside of his house...!
However, he's not armed and no one
is paying any attention to him!
A man in Milwaukee has been arrested for attempting
to use food stamps to mail a watermelon!
Craze f**king studio audience in the newsroom!
Did you ever hear of anything like that?
Food & drug administration announced today that
salivah causes stomach cancer!
However, only when swallowed in small amounts
over a long period of time!
A man in Philadelphia has been
arrested for attempting to make
an unauthorized deposit in a sperm bank...
Get hold of your diaphragms, folks!
At the lake in the city park today, police arrested
a one-armed man...
...who was bothering the other boaters by
continously rowing in a circle!
A dog has exploded on a busy downtown street corner...!
No one was killed. However, 20 people
were overcome by fur!
Police claim that 50 to 60 fleas also
lost their lives in the blast!
Kind of to wind up
the news tonight...
Scientists have discovered a vaccine for apathy!
However, they claim no one is showing
the slightest bit of interest in it!
They're gonna throw it away!
Thank you - thank you!
Well, I knew that with
a name like George...
I would have to add something else...
Any old name can have emotion for you, though!
You get a brand name...!
Product names have things you expect from them!
You have a little emotion and investment in
certain names! I mean...
You wouldn't buy any "Goodyear" pancakes, right?
Any more than you would drive
on Aunt Jemima tyres!
You have feelings! You have expectations about...
If "Janitor-in-a-drum" made a douche,
no one would buy!
There's no market!
There's no market for them!
Raid femenine hygiene spray???
That's what they call them!
Femenine Hygiene spray!
They're under-leg deodorants!
Why do they avoid that? It's obvious!
Why do they avoid that, you know?
Right? I guess it's because you have two armpits,
you only have one leg-pit!
Why aren't things named for what they are?
I think there'd be a little more truth in names
than try to clean up...
...clean up advertising claims? Why don't they clean
some of the names like "Cello" "Acme" "Ace" "Top"?
Let's call them what they are!
Let's bring out a new car:
The 1977 piece of s**t!
A division of United Consumer f**kers!
Yeah, company names are fun...
Wammo! Wammo is a toy company!
Aren't you glad it's not an airline?
Won't you get in the big Wammo bird, huh?
There's just some plain old words
that are sort of fun to...
Things overlooked more closely than usual!
Things like "hot water heaters"...
Have you ever... thought of
Pardon me? I said I'd like to buy
a hot-water heater...
What the hell for?
Hot water don't need to be heated!
You must want a COLD-water heater!
How about a hot water cooler?
Yeah, some words are fun.
Words like "flammable!"
Why are there three?
It seemed that two words ought to
be able to handle that idea?
I mean, either the thing "flamms" or
it doesn't "flam"...
Now, "flammable"... That's the one!
That's on the side of the truck:
As if you gonna get out of your car at 60
miles an hour and smoke on this truck...
"Flammable!" I found out the reason it says that
on the truck! It's so that just in case...
You should be spinning out of control...
70 or 80, heading for the truck...
You'll know what it was that happened, man!
Gives you a chance to make
a few plans, you know?
Put the cigarette out!
Put the cigarette out!
And of course, there's a moment, just after
beginning to blow up...
...when you stop blowing up for just
a moment, and you say...
Then, of course, you continue to blow up...
...nothing you can do about that.
What do you expect when you order that?
What will arrive?
Will that be a large shrimp
or a little jumbo?
"Jumbo shrimp" - Those words don't even
go together, man!
That's like military intelligence!
They have that, too!
How did they do that?
There's another phrase like that:
"Say! We're discussing business ethics!"
"Yes? No wonder we couldn't hear anything
That's like a plastic glass...
They have them!
Mine is a "glass glass", goddam it!
They have them...
Get me a plastic glass!
Well, I'll see what I can do!
Pretty soon they'll have nylon rubbers!
They do! There are nylon rubbers!
Hold on, I have a real good idea!
Soon as I think of it we're all
gonna laugh our asses off!
The airlines have given us a lot of strange words
and expressions and ways to look at language...
...that they force us into! We have words
from the airline like "deplane"...
I've never "deboated", have never "debused"!
...by God, I've deplaned!
"We'll be deplaing thru the forward door!"
"I'm already on 'de' plane!"
That's what they tell you!
Get on the plane! Get on the plane!
f**k you! I'm getting IN the plane!
Let Evel Knievel get on the plane!
I'll be inside with you folks in uniform!
You seem to know where to sit!
Airlines got a lot of things! They say:
"Go to your gate!" - There's no gates!
Have you ever seen a gate? At the airport?
There are no f**king gates!
Where the hell are the gates? Have a lot
of doorways, have a lot of passways...
Have a lot of carpeting,
have a lot of seats...
They've got rostum and podiums,
they've got railings, they've got velvet ropes...!
There ain't a goddam gate at the airport!
"s**t! I've missed three planes
looking for my gate!"
"Gate 49! Goddam! There must be a bunch
of 'em around 'ere somewhere!"
"Where are they?"
And the airlines also have another thing called...
A non-stop flight!
Not me! bulls**t!
I insist that my flight stop!
Preferably right at the end!
That's when they tell you "you'll
be landing shortly"...!
Does that mean you're gonna miss
the runway, honey?
No, it just means we're on our
That's when they tell you to put
your seat back forward...!
Do you mean one time or
a lot of times?
"Put your seat back"
I don't bend like that!
And then, one further example of the
airline's perversion of language...
...when two airplanes almost crash
right into each other...
...up in the sky...
...they call that a near-miss!
It's a near-hit, gang!
Thank you! You're nice, guys!
We're having fun, you know?
Have a couple of more...
...word thoughts, but that's through!
I thought I've thought of many...
There's is laughter at that
group of words that we...
...well, they're your words, gang!
..and I praise them, too,
because they are sort of fun!
Just as a hobby! If nothing else!
These words are only...
let's call them this!
They're the words that we
can't say all the time!
I find out to be about the most countable...
...umbrella, you know?
They're just words that we
can't say all the time!
All the time! Sometimes, yes! Sometimes...
But not all the time...
When you're a kid, you can't say them at all!
Not one! None, that's it! No!
But you do keep growing!
They can't stop that!
Pretty soon the words "hell"
and "damn" break through...
- "Hey! I didn't get hit!"
- "I know!"
Then Dad tells you a joke
with "s**t" in it...
"Hey! Don't tell your Mom I said that!"
- "Why not?"
- "Well, you can't use them words all the time!"
My trouble was that I wanted a list...
I didn't think it was asking much!
Here's these words I'm not supposed to say...
Let's have a look at them...!
I'll be glad to avoid them if I get
just see that I know what they are!
You gotta say them to find out what
they are, man! "s**t!"
Aye! Hey! Enough, make a list, please, ma!
"Sure, that's what you need when you're
six years old now!"
"Here's the list of words your dad and I don't
ever want to hear you say!"
"Oh, thanks, ma!"
"Hey! That done save me an
a**-kicking, you know?"
There's no list!
So, enough of trial and error,
Now, there are different places where you can't use
words, I mean, sometimes, the minister's wife is one!
Definitely, don't say them to the minister's wife!
And all those thousands of other
...you know, come on! Mixed company! Hey!...
"Easy! There's a kid here!"
"I've got a really filthy joke for you,
"But there's a lady here!"
- "Oh, that's OK! She's filthy, too!
Go ahead! Let's hear it!"
Depends on who you're with, right? Then
there are just words we can't say all the time!
Now one of my lists to reflect an
area I was interested in...
...the time that you can't say them on I picked
was radio and television time...
That's one of the places where we can't use them, and...
I guess that's largely because of...
...television is paid for by private industry...
...and regulated by the government,
You know! Think of what those two groups
are doing! Hah!
Even to each other! You know?
Imagine what they did to radio and TV, right?
They turned it into a billboard, the blondes, the
brillo and biscuits, folks!
And that's all that'll ever be, so as a result they
want to restrict your language some of the time!
Not all of the time! Some of those words aren't
always dirty! Found that! I'm trying to make a list!
Trying to get a little journeyman! Let's go and
hear from myself one of the ones I can never,
...on television, because, some of the words
you can say...
...part of the time, it's the same word, but it's
solely a part-time dirty word...
And for that reason, it's OK depending
on what you meant, so...
...I figured, looking for a list...
I started well into the all the
categories of dirty words...
...I started to realised that there are more ways to
describe filthy words than there are filthy words...
...seemed curious to me!
Someone was awfully interested in them!
I found a lot of ways to refer to them, and...
...I did, too. Called them...
...unseemly, in poor taste, street language,
locker room talk, gutter talk...
...naughty, saucy, bawdy, raunchy...
...rude, lude, lascivious, indecent...
...prophane, obscene, blue, off-colour...
...cursing, cussing, swearing...
All of I could think of were "s**t, piss, f**k,
cu*t, c**ksucker, motherfucker and tits", man!
And it wasn't complete! I knew it wasn't,
but it was the initial list!
That first evening: "s**t, piss, f**k,
cu*t, c**ksucker, motherfucker, tits"
And I knew I had ones that could never
be said, 'cause they didn't mean anything else!
There are some words you can say part of the
time. Talk about "a**-kicking!"
"a**" is hardly even a curse word anymore,
but it still is in a little way!
I mean, most of the times "a**" is alright on TV,
you can say "Well you made a perfect a**
of yourself tonight!"
But you can't say "You have a**...!"
Only "Perfect a**" is allowed!
You can use a** in a religious sense,
if you happen to be the Redeemer...
Riding into town on one!
But don't get off and say "You know,
the donkey hurt my a**!"
So it's b*tch! Another animal word, too!
"b*tch" is alright on TV if you happen to be
the lady from the San Diego Zoo...
Brought a bunch of little canines up to Johnny
Carson? - "That one's the b*tch and blah blah..."
Don't refer to the singer that way!
"Is that b*tch going to do another
number?" - You know!
Animals are fine on TV, it's alright! "I'd like to
tell a story about a c**k, and a p*s*y, and...
...beaver, and a b*tch and an a**!"
"Get him out of here!
Get him out of here!"
"Tits", of course, doesn't belong on a list like
that, you know? "Tits" - You know?
Too cheerful! Nothing harmful, you know?
No threat from that word! "Tits"
"Tit". Tit is a cute little word, tit!
Sure! Any word, I think, that's spelled the same
forwards and backwards is cute as hell!
I think Otto is a great name, always liked it!
"Here comes f**king Otto!"
"We don't know if he's coming or going 'cause
he's f**king Otto!" - You know?
Also, I like Otto 'cause "Otto" is
"Toot" inside out!
Just a hobby!
But "tit"... Cute word! Come on! Tit!
You can say "tit", you can say "boobs"
You can say "boobs"! "Boob" starts and ends
the same, "boob".
...or "tit" No? You can say it!
"Tit's no good, can't say "tit" - "boobs"
f**k! Boobs is an answer on Match Game!
- "I have 'Boobs', Jim!"
- "Boobs" - 200 dollars!
Can't say "tits" -
"Nice tits on the singer, hey Ed?"
But you can go like this!
"Hey, she's .... really built, you know!"
You can.. you can say "teats"
"Teats" is OK if you're on at five in the morning
and a cow is your guest!
But you can't say "jugs", you know, or...
"Oi, you gotta pull the cow's knockers, Dan!"
Now, "Tits", you know, well
it sounds to me like a snack!
Anyway, doesn't it sound saucy? Gimme that!
"Bisco Nuno Bisco Double-wrapped tits", man!
"Pass the tit, won't you, Dean?"
"Say, these things are responding!"
"Just a few for while I'm watching TV tonight!"
Now, we've added three words, have been added,
though, there's only one official induction...
...one group of three words was added...
There was no bulletin this year, as many as we know!
Right? And some of you supported some of the words
that were in line to be on the list and haven't made it,
I say, just hang in there...
"Fart", "turd" and "tw*t" of course, have...
"Fart", "turd" and "tw*t", all belong, because
they don't mean anything else...
They mean that only and you can't say them on TV...
Now, "Fart" again, like "Tit", in a way
is a -you know?- cute kind of word...
"Farts" you know "cute little fart" is a name,
and kids know farts are fun...!
Kids know farts are s**t without the mass, right?
Same funny sound, same vile smell, kids!
No fuss, no muss!
Remember when you were a kid, one time, maybe with
short pants on, sitting in church on a wooden bench?
And you had to do the one-cheek-sneak?
Right in tune with the organ!
That's what they call them "pews"!
I found that out, man!
Farts are--- hey!
...keep us on our place! Well, actually
they disperse us many times...!
But they do! They keep you in your place!
They keep you humble...
remind you who you are!
"That's right, doctor Godard..."
"Well the initial series of Mariner flights,
of course, all the Mariner landings have
complete circumnavigation of the map,
...to complete global map, to clip the running
of the entire series on Mars with the... Whoa!
Pardon me! Come over here!
I want you come over here!
Then we'll be going to Jupiter right after that...
This man still has exhaust of his own!
Did you ever notice that your own farts smell OK?
"Say, that's fairly decent!"
I think I'll stay home today!
Do some reading in the closet!
Not only you do not mention the word "fart"...
...you never refer to farts!
They're more secret and worse than f**king!
No fart mentions, no references to farts!
You never see a fart reference!
You'd think by now, after 20 or 30 years of TV
that some guy once would have gone...
There has never been a fart,
as far as they're concerned!
"They don't exist!
We do not recognize them!"
Just once, I wanna see somebody on the
Johnny Carson panel, you know...
"Hey Ed, move down, man!" "Whoa!"
"f**king Ed! f**king Ed let go!"
"Gimme the lighter, Johnny!"
"Hey, Ed, if you're sick, man,
see the nurse, will you?"
"Something died inside of Ed!"
"Geeze, Ed! It ain't the smell, you know?"
It's the burning of my eyes!
I often tried to think what it might
be like to have never farted...!
...and suddenly have that happen in your thirties, maybe...
...just have never farted before, and...
...one day, the inevitable, man!
"Air is coming out of me!"
"I don't wanna be a balloon!"
Man, if that happened to me...!
I'd probably use it to try to
get out of work, you know?
Wouldn't you? - "Yes, that's right, boss.
I won't be in today!"
"Well, air is coming out of my a**!"
"No, air! Not hair, air!"
Well, I don't know! I think I might
have picked it up from the dog!
"s**t, piss, f**k, cu*t, c**k, motherfucker, tits,
fart, turd, tw*t..."
"Turd" You can say "turd" on TV,
but who wants to?
I don't care if I ever hear that one again!
And "tw*t" is on the list because it
doesn't mean anything else, you know?
No saving meaning! "tw*t's tw*t!" That's right in
the tw*t! Right in the tw*t! No mistaking that!
Yes, "tw*t" doesn't have any other meaning,
it's not like "prick"
"Prick" you can say "prick" on television if it
happens to your finger, it's alright!
You can prick your finger, just don't
finger your prick! That's all!
In line with those kinds of words, words that
are dirty sometimes and not dirty sometimes...
Those are the ones who got you in trouble as a kid!
'Cause you noticed they had two meanings and you
began to make a little pun or a joke...
...and you got caught with it, and it was...
And it's not "dirty mind" it's... Oh, OK!
A little joke, you know!
But that's true! The word "ball"...
It's the two-way word! The non-curse variety of ball...
It's the most probably in that kind of situation
that boys come up more often in real life...!
...to make it a double meaning!
Ball is... Well, every sport is played with a ball, right?
Except "hockey", and that
rhymes with "f**k" anyway...!
Now, the word "ball" is part of your life as a kid, man!
It's one of your early...
...toys! Right? Man, is "Go play with your ball!"
"What? - You're sure, right? Yes..."
That was confusing, "ball"...
"Ball" has three meanings now, of course! "Ball"
also means "to f**k, to get laid, to ball, to have
balled, to have been balling...!"
...actually, it always meant that!
We just didn't know, you know?
Now we know that! Of course, when I was a kid,
"ball" only meant either "testicle" or "small round
object you play with!" Right?
That's all, just those two!
And it's alright for Kurt Gaudy to say it!
All across the nation! "Johnny Bench has
two balls on 'im"
Fine, no problem there at all!
The whole country nods in agreement!
"s**t, I figured him for two, you know!"
- "Hell, yeah!"
"Hell yeah! That whole team, I think!"
They cannot however, although he can say that,
turn to his sidekick Tony Kubak and say...
"Tony, I think he hurt his balls on that play!"
"He's holding them, by God!"
"Well, that's truth, Kurt, generally they hurt
their balls, they hold them. He's holding his,
he's hurt his balls"
"Thank you, Tony. This team has been plagued
with ball injuries this spring!"
"Johnson pulled a ball the other day!"
"Jameson has a spurned ball!"
"Nicholas woke up with a tight ball this morning!"
"Williams has a twisted ball from last game!"
Never hear about those injuries, they call them...
It's a groin injury!
I never knew where my groin was
when I was a kid!
Did you? "Where the hell's my groin?" "Is it dirty?"
"Do you cover it up?" "Put your groin away!"
Where does my groin end and
my loin begin?
I know I have them both, I just don't have any
dotted lines like a cow picture!
Where the hell are they?
Just... tell me what to cover, I don't mind!
Now, groin... They pull their groin muscles...!
If I pull my groin muscle, they'll have my a**
out of the stadium in no time, man!
This guy's sitting around, big stud's pulling
his groing muscles on the weekend...!
Well, anyway! There's an overlapping, there's
a confusion about sex and violence!
Some folks don't know where one ends and
the other begins! Sex and violence!
Sex and violence!
A lot of people run around trying to stomp it out,
like it's all one thing!
"What are you doing?"
"Tryin' to stomp out sex and violence!"
"Start at the "S", end in the "E"!
There's an overlapping, there's a grey area!
There's some folks don't understand!
Even folks who LIKE those things!
Together! Think of them as one!
Sex AND violence!
Some people like violence with their
sex! I don't care for that myself!
I like my violence a little
earlier in the afternoon!
But it's true that there's a confusing area!
Even a little child might make a mistake when
he's too young, wandering into the bedroom!
Ooh! Daddy's winning!
It has no mock of competition!
So it's that confusing enough to people when
someone finally had that sorted out and said:
"Make love, not war!" Get it?
- "Make love, not war!"
A guy finally sorted it out! Probably a lady!
It sounds more like a lady's thing! I don't
know why! "Make love, not war!"
Why, mister, always be going? - That was it!
s**t! If I had thought of that phrase!
"Make love, not war!" I would have retired
that day if I'd thought of that!
Wouldn't you? I wouldn't have expected
to top myself later in life!
That would be it! Go out with the biggie! I think
I'd just leave my car at the red light, man!
"That's it! I'm going to the beach!"
You guys gotta make love, not war!
See you later!
And be gone! Well!
I have a little phrase of my own!
"Make f**k, not kill!"
That's not as graceful a phrase, I know!
But I'm not looking to retire at this time!
"Make f**k, not kill!"
Deals with just what we call those things,
not what they are!
Let the experts and the behaviour
folks work on those, what they are!
I just like what we call them!
f**king and killing!
We've got "f**king" and "killing"!
I say: "Let's change the words around!"
If language is our servant,
let's put that son-b*tch to work!
Let's go "f**king-killing" and "killing-f**king"
for about a month and a half!
Just long enough to confuse us a little about
which one we really fear and want to, right?
"f**king and killing" - Anywhere you see them!
Movies! The movies would be great!
"Better get down off the horse, sheriff!
We're fixing to f**k him now!"
"What's this?" - "Mass-f**ker still on the loose?"
"Man f**ks three - self!"
"No, I think we got him now!
He made his first big mistake!"
"He fucked a cop!"
"Yeah, he's a cop-f**ker now!"
"Every cop in the state will be looking for him!"
"OK, thank you, Dan!"
Hey guys! My horse broke his leg! I'm going to
f**k him! I'll be right back, excuse me!
"Shamoo, the f**ker-whale!"
So, all I'm saying really is that "f**k you!" is a
positive phrase! It's just a way of making...
...direct verbal love from across the street,
next time you hear it, feel that way!
Thanks for being here tonight and being part
of this! I hope we all get to see it!
"I love you, f**k you!" - See you later!