YOU ARE ALL DISEASED
That's nice! Thank you!
Thanks very much! I appreciate it!
Thank you very much! Thank you all!
I appreciate that! Thank you! Thank you!
So, let me ask you something! Let me ask you!
How's everybody doing tonight, huh?
Good! Well, f**k you!
Just tryin' to make you feel at home!
Now listen! I've been out there all this time,
and I haven't been complainin' about anything yet!
So I think it's time to go into
the complaint department...
This is just a series of things that are
pissing me off! OK?
A series of things that are pissing me off! 'Cause
I don't have pet peeves! I have major psychotic
f**king hatreds! OK?
And that makes the world a lot easier to sort out!
First thing on my list tonight, airport security!
Tired of this s**t! There's too much of it!
There's too much security at the airport!
I'm tired of some guy...
...with a double-digit IQ and a triple-digit income
rootin' around inside of my bag for no reason...
...and never finding anything!
Haven't found anything yet!
Haven't found one bomb in one bag!
And don't tell me: "Well, the terrorists know
their bags are gonna be searched, so now
they're leaving their bombs at home!"
There are no bombs!
The whole thing is f**king pointless!
And it's completely without logic!
There's no logic at all! They'll take away your gun,
but let you keep a knife! What the f**k is that?
In fact, there's whole list of lethal objects
they will allow you to take on board!
Theoretically, you could take a knife, an icepick,
a hatchet, a straight razor, a pair of scissors,
a chainsaw, six knitting needles and a broken
...and the only thing they're gonna say to you is:
"That bag has to fit all the way under the seat
in front of you!"
And if you didn't take a weapon on board, relax!
After you've been flying for about an hour,
they're gonna bring you a knife and fork!
They actually give you a f**king knife!
It's only a table knife! But you could kill
a pilot with a table knife!
Might take you a couple of minutes, you know!
Especially if he's hefty! Huh?
Yeah, but you could get the job done!
If you really want to kill the prick!
s**t! There's a lot of things you could use to kill
a guy with! You could probably beat a guy to death
with the Sunday New York Times! Couldn't you?
Or suppose you just have really big hands!
Couldn't you strangle a flight attendant?
s**t! You could probably strangle
two of them! One with each hand!
You know, if you are lucky enough to catch them
in that little kitchen area... Before they give out
the f**king peanuts! You know?
But you could get the job done!
If you really cared enough...!
So why is it they allow a man with big,
powerful hands, to get on board an airplane?
I'll tell you why! They know he's not a security
risk because he's already answered the three
Question number one! Did you
pack your bags yourself?
No! "Carrot Top" packed my bags!
He and Martha Stewart and Florence Henderson
came over to the house last night, fixed me a
lovely lobster Newberg...
...gave me a full body massage
with sacred oils from India...
...performed a four-way around the world
and then they packed my bags!
Have your bags been in your possession
the whole time? - "No!"
Usually, the night before I travel,
just as the moon is rising...
I place my suitcases out in the street corner
and leave them there, unattended for several hours!
Just for good luck! Next question!
Has any unknown person asked you to take
anything on board?
But what exactly is an unknown person?
Surely, everyone is known to someone!
In fact, just this morning, Kareem and Yusef
Seemed to know each other quite well!
They kept joking about which one of my suitcases
was the heaviest!
And that's another thing they
don't like at the airport! Jokes!
You know? Yeah! You can't joke about a bomb!
But why is it just jokes?
What about a riddle?
How about a Limerick?
How about a bomb anecdote?
You know! No punchline! Just a really cute story!
Or suppose you intended the remark, not as a joke,
but as an ironic musing!
Are they prepared to make that distinction?
Oh, I think not!
And besides, who's to say what's funny?
Airport security is a stupid idea, it's a waste
of money, and it's only there for one reason:
To make white people feel safe!
That's all! The illusion!
The feeling and illusion of safety!
'Cause the authorities know
they can't make an airplane
Too many people have access!
You notice the drug smugglers don't seem to
have a lot of trouble, getting their little
packages on board, do they?
No, and God bless them, too!
And by the way! An airplane flight shouldn't
be completely safe! You need a little danger
in your life!
Take a f**king chance once in a while,
What are you gonna do? Play with your
prick for another thirty years?
What are you gonna do? Read "People" magazine
and eat at "Wendy's" till the end of time?
Take a f**king chance! Besides, even if they made
all of the airplanes completely safe...
...the terrorists would simply start bombing
other places that are crowded...!
...porn shops, crack houses, titty bars
and gangbangs! You know?
You know? Entertainment venues!
The odds of you being killed by a terrorist
are practically zero!
So I say: "Relax", and enjoy the show!
You have to be a realist!
You have to be realistic about terrorism!
Certain groups of people, certain groups...
Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists,
...and just plain guys from Montana...!
...are gonna continue to make life in this country
very interesting for a long, long time!
That's the reality! Angry men in combat fatigues
talking to God on a two-way radio...!
...and muttering incoherent slogans about freedom,
are eventually gonna provide us with a great deal
Especially after your stupid f**king
All around you! And the terrorists come out of the
woodwork! And you'll have anthrax in your water
supply, and sarin gas in your air conditioner...
...there'll be chemical and biological suitcase
bombs in every city, and I say "Enjoy it!" "Relax!"
Enjoy the show! Take a f**king chance!
Put a little fun in your life!
To me, terrorism is exciting!
It's exciting! I think the very idea that you can
set off a bomb in a marketplace and kill several
...is exciting, stimulating and I see it as
a form of entertainment! entertainment!
But I also know that most Americans
...and frightened, and unimaginative,
and they don't realize there's such
a thing as dangerous fun!
And they certainly don't recognize
a good show when they see one!
I've always been willing to put myself at great
personal risk for the sake of entertainment!
...and I've always been willing to put you
at great personal risk for the same reason!
...as far as I'm concerned, all of this airport
security, all the searches, the screenings,
the cameras, the questions...
...it's just one more way of reducing your liberty,
and reminding you that they can f**k with you
anytime they want!
As long as you put up with it!
Which means, of course, anytime they want!
'Cause that's what Americans do now!
They're always willing to trade away
a little of their freedom...!
...in exchange for the feeling, the illusion
of security! What we have now...!
...is a completely neurotic population, obsessed
with security, and safety, and crime...!
...and drugs, and cleanliness, and hygiene,
and germs! There's another thing! Germs!
Where does this sudden fear of germs come from
in this country? Have you noticed this?
The media, constantly running stories about
all the latest infections...
...salmonella, E coli, hamta virus,
...and Americans they panic easily,
so now everybody's running around,
scrubbing this and spraying that...
...and overcooking their food,
and repeatedly washing their hands...
...trying to avoid all contact with germs!
It's ridiculous, and it goes
to ridiculous lengths! In prisons...
...before they give you a lethal injection,
they swab your arm with alcohol!
It's true! It's true!
Well, they don't want you to get an infection!
And you can see their point!
Wouldn't want some guy to go to hell and be sick!
Would take a lot of sportsmanship
out of the whole execution!
Fear of germs! Why! These f**king p*s*ies!
You can't even get a decent hamburger anymore!
They cook the s**t out of everything now...
'Cause everybody is afraid of food poisoning!
Hey! Where's your sense of adventure!
Take a f**king chance, will you?
You know how many people die in this country
from food poisoning every year? Nine thousand!
That's all! It's a minor risk!
Take a f**king chance, bunch of
Besides, what do you think you have
an immune system for? It's for killing germs!
But it needs practice!
It needs germs to practice on!
So! So listen...!
If you kill all the germs around you,
and live a completely sterile life...!
...then when germs do come along,
you're not gonna be prepared!
And nevermind ordinary germs...!
What are you going to do when some supervirus
comes along that turns your vital organs into
I'll tell you what you're gonna do! You're gonna
get sick, you're gonna die, and you're gonna
deserve it! 'Cause you're f**king weak, and you've
got a f**king weak immune system!
Let me tell you a true story about
When I was a little boy, in New York City,
in the 1940's, we swam in the Hudson River...
...and it was filled with raw sewage! OK?
We swam in raw sewage! You know? To cool off!
And at that time the big fear was polio!
Thousands of kids died from polio every year!
But you know something? In my neighbourhood...
...no one ever got polio! No one! Ever!
You know why? 'Cause we swam in raw sewage!
Strengthened our immune systems! The polio never
had a prayer! We were tempered in raw s**t!
So personally, I never take any special precautions
against germs! I don't shy away from people
who sneeze and cough...
...I don't wipe off the telephone, I don't cover
the toilet seat, and when I drop food on the floor
I pick it up and eat it!
I eat it! Yes, I do!
Even if I'm at a sidewalk caf!
The poor section! On New Year's morning,
during a soccer riot!
And you know something?
In spite of all that so-called risky behaviour,
I never get infections...
I don't get them! I don't get colds,
I don't get flu, I don't get headaches,
I don't get upset stomachs...
And you know why? 'Cause I've got a good, strong
immune system, and it gets a lot of practice!
My immune system is equipped with the biological
equivalent of fully-automatic military assault
rifles, with night vision and laser scopes!
And they have recently acquired phosphorous
grenades, cluster bombs and anti-personal
So, when my white blood cells are on patrol,
reconnoitering my blood stream...
Seeking out strangers and other undesirables,
if they see any! Any suspicious-looking germs
of any kind they don't f**k around!
They whip out the weapons, they wax
the motherfucker, and deposit the unlucky fellow
directly into my colon!
Into my colon! There's no nonsense! There's
no Miranda warning! There's none of that
"Three strikes and you're out" s**t!
First offence - Bam! Into the colon you go!
And speaking of my colon! I want you to know
I don't automatically wash my hands every time
I go to the bathroom! OK?
Can you deal with that? Sometimes I do,
sometimes I don't!
You know when I wash my hands?
When I s**t on them!
That's the only time!
And you know how often that happens?
Tops! Tops! Two, three times a week! Tops!
Maybe a little more frequently over
the holidays, you know what I mean?
And I'll tell you something else,
my well-scrubbed friends...
You don't always need a shower every day!
Did you know that? It's overkill!
Unless you work out! Or work outdoors...
...or for some reason come in intimate contact
with huge amounts of filth and garbage every day...
...you don't always need a shower! All you really
need to do is to wash the four key areas!
Armpits, a**hole, crotch and teeth! Got that?
Armpits, a**hole, crotch and teeth!
In fact, you can save yourself a lot of time if you
simply use the same brush on all four areas!
Thank you! I appreciate it!
Now listen! I got a few more items of things
that are pissing me off! And this one comes
in the form of a question!
Haven't we had about enough of this
cigar-smoking s**t in this country? Huh?
When is this gonna end?
When is this s**t gonna go away?
When are these fat, arrogant, overpaid, overfed,
overprivileged and overindulged white-collar
business criminal, a**hole c**ksuckers...?
...gonna put out their cigars and move along
to their next abomination?
...white, p*s*y bussinemen sucking
on a big brown d*ck!
That's all it is! That's all it is!
That's all it ever was!
A big, brown d*ck!
Sigmund Freud said: "Sometimes a cigar is just
a cigar!" Oh yeah? Well, sometimes it's
a big, brown d*ck!
With a fat, arrogant white-collar business
criminal a**hole sucking on the wet end of it!
Well hey! The news is not all bad for me!
Not all bad! You wanna know the good part?
Cancer of the mouth!
Good! f**k 'em!
Let's be happy! It's an attractive disease!
It goes nice with a cellphone!
So light up, suspender-man and suck that smoke
deep down into your empty suit...
...and blow it out your a**,
you f**king c**ksucker!
Here's another question I've been pondering...
What is all this s**t about angels?
Have you heard this? Yeah!
Three out of four people now believe in angels!
What are you, f**king stupid?
Has everybody lost their f**king mind
in this country? Angel s**t!
You know what I think it is? I think it's a massive,
collective, psychotic chemical flashback...
...of all the drugs smoked, swallowed,
snorted, shot and absorbed rectally...
...by all Americans from 1960 to 1990!
Thirty years of adulterated street drugs
will get you some f**king angels, my friend!
Angel s**t! What about goblins, huh?
Can't anybody believe in goblins?
Never hear about them, except on Halloween!
And it's always negative s**t, too! You know?
And zombies! Where the f**k
are all the zombies?
That's the trouble with zombies!
I say, if you're gonna buy the angel s**t, you
might as well go for the zombie package as well!
Here's another horrifying example, or aspect
of American culture...
...the pussification! The continued pussification
of the American male, in the form...
In the form of Harley Davidson
What the f**k is going on here?
Harley Davidson used to mean something!
It stood for biker attitude!
Grimy outlaws and their sweaty mamas
full of beer and crank...!
Rolling around on Harleys, looking for a good time!
Destroying property, raping teenagers and killing
All very necessary activities,
by the way!
But now, theme restaurants and this soft s**t
obviously didn't come froom hardcore bikers...
...it came from these weekend motorcyclers!
These fraudulent, two-day-a-week motherfuckers...
...who have their bikes trucked into Sturges,
South Dakota for the big rally, and then
ride around like they just came in off the road!
Dentists and bureaucrats and p*s*y-boy
Get up on a Harley 'cause they think it makes them
cool! Well, hey schitzis! You ain't cool!
You're f**king chilly!
And chilly ain't never been cool!
And here! As long as we're talking about
theme restaurants, I've got a proposition for you!
If white people are gonna burn down
...then black people oughta burn down
the House of Blues! Huh?
What a f**king disgrace that place is!
The House of Blues! They oughta call it:
"The House of Lame White Motherfuckers!"
Inauthentic, low-frequency, single-digit
lame white motherfuckers!
Especially these male movie stars
who think their Blue is hardest!
You ever see these guys?
Don't you just wanna puke
in your suit?
When one of these fat, balding, overweight,
overaged, out-of-shape, middle-aged, male
movie stars with sunglasses jumps onstage
and starts blowing into their harmonica...
...it's a f**king sacrilege! In the first place...
In the first place, white people got no business
playing the blues ever! At all!
Under any circumstances!
Ever, ever, ever! What the f**k do white people
have to be blue about?
Banana Republic ran out of kakhis?
The expresso machine is jammed?
Hootie and the Blowfish
are breaking up?
s**t! White people oughta understand their job
is to give people the blues, not to get them!
And certainly not to sing or play them! Tell you
a little secret about the Blues! It's not enough
to know which notes to play...
You gotta know why they need to be played!
And another thing! I don't think white people
should be trying to dance like blacks! Stop that!
Stick to your faggoty polkas and waltzes!
And that repulsive, country line-dancing
s**t that you do...!
And be yourself! Be proud! Be white!
Be lame and get the f**k off the dance floor!
I thank you! Now! Listen...!
Long as we're discussing minorities...
I'd like to mention something about language!
There are a couple of terms being used a lot
By guilty white liberals...
First one is "Happens to be..."
"He happens to be black!"
"I have a friend who happens to be black!"
Like it's a f**king accident! You know?
"Happens to be black?"
"Yes, he happens to be black!"
"Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!"
"He had two black parents?"
"Oh, yes! Yes, he did! Yes..."
"And they fucked?"
"Oh, indeed they did!"
So where does this surprise
part come in?
I should think it would be more unusual
if he just happened to be Scandinavian!
And the other term is "openly", "openly gay"!
They say: "He's openly gay!"
But this is the only minority they use that for!
You know, you wouldn't say someone was
Well, maybe James Brown!
Or Louis Ferrican! Louis Ferrican
is openly black!
Colin Powell is not openly black!
Colin Powell is openly white!
He just happens to be black!
OK! Thank you! Thank you!
And while we're at it! When did the word
"urban" become synonymous with the word "black"?
Did I fall asleep for eight or nine years?
Urban styles, urban trends, urban music...
I was not consulted on this at all!
Didn't get an e-mail, didn't get a fax...
Didn't get a f**king postcard! Fine!
Let them go! And I don't think white women
should be calling each other "girlfriend"! OK?
Stop pretending to be black! And no matter what
colour you are, "You go, girl" should probably go!
Right along with "You da man!" "Hey, you da man!"
Oh yeah? Well! "You da f**king honky!"
Now! Something a little more positive for you!
Don't want you to think the whole show is just
This is about a festival! This is my idea for one
of those big, outdoor summer festivals!
This is called "Slugfest!"
This is for men only...!
Here's what you do! You get about a hundred
thousand of these f**king men...!
You know the ones I mean! These macho
motherfuckers! Yeah, these...
...strutting, preening, posturing, hairy,
sweaty, alpha-male jackoffs!
The muscle a**holes! You take about a hundred
thousand of these disgusting pricks...!
...and you throw them in a big dirt arena!
Big, 25-acre, dirt arena!
And you just let them beat the s**t out of each
other for 24 hours, non-stop! No food, no water!
Just whisky and PCP!
And you just let them punch and pound and kick
the s**t out of each other, until only one guy is
...then you take that guy, and you put him on
a pedestal and you shoot him in the f**king head!
Then you put the whole thing on TV!
Budweisser would jump at that s**t
in half a minute!
And guys would volunteer! Guys would line up!
All you gotta do is promise them a small
appliance of some kind...!
Men would do anything! Just give them something
that plugs on the wall, makes a whirring noise...!
Here's another male clich! These guys who cut
the sleeves off of their T-shirts...
...so the rest of us can have an even more
compelling experience of smelling their armpits!
I say: "Hey Bruno! Shut it down,
will you please?"
You smell like an anchovy's cu*t, OK?
Bad! Not good!
Not good, Bruno! And definitely
not for sharing!
It's the same kind of guy that has that
barbed wire tattoo that goes all the way
around the biceps!
You seen them, haven't you? That's just
what I need! Some guy who hasn't been
laid since the Bicentennial...!
...wants me to think he's a bad motherfucker...
...because he's got a picture, a painting
of some barbed wire on his arm!
I say: "Hey Junior! Come around if you have
the real thing on there, I'll squeeze that s**t on
good and tight for you! OK?
No kidding! It's the same kind of guy that if you
smash him in the face eight or nine times
with a big chunk of concrete...
..and then beat them over the head with
a steel rod for an hour and a half, you know what?
He'd drop like a f**king rock!
Like a rock!
Here's another guy thing that sucks!
These T-shirts that say: "Lead, follow
or get out of the way!"
Do you ever see that? This is more of that
stupid Marine Corps bulls**t!
Obsolete male impulses from
a hundred thousand years ago!
Lead, follow or get out of the way!
You know what I do when I see that shirt?
I stand right in the guy's path, force him to walk
around me, gets a little past me, I spin him around,
kick him in the nuts, rip off the shirt, wipe it
on my a** and shove it down his f**king throat!
That's all these marines are looking for!
A good time! And speaking of tough guys...
I'm getting a little tired of hearing that after
six policemen get arrested for shoving a
floor lamp up some black guy's a**...!
...and ripping his intestines out, the Police
Department announces they're gonna have
I say: "Hey! If you need special training to be
told not to jam a large cumbersome object
up someone else's a**hole...!"
"...maybe you're too fucked-up to be in the police
force in the first place!" Huh? Maybe!
Maybe not! Maybe not! I don't know!
You know what they oughta do? They oughta have
two new requirements for being on the police!
Intelligence and decency!
You never can tell! It might just work!
It certainly hasn't been tried yet!
No one should have any object placed inside
their a**hole that is larger than a fist and less
loving than a dildo! OK?
Now, this next thing is about
It's about our President!
Bill Jeff! Bill Jeff! Bill Jeff!
Clinton! I don't call him Clinton!
I call him "Clittin' "Clittin'" C-L-I-T...
T-I-N, apostrophe! His big deal was JFK!
Ain't that right?
Loved JFK, wanted to emulate JFK in every way!
Well, JFK's administration was called "Camelot!"
Or it really should have been called "Come-a-lot!"
'Cause that's what he did! He came a lot!
So, if Clinton is looking for a legacy, that's
what he should call it! Well, maybe...
..."Come-a-little" would be better for him! 'Cause
he came a little! You know, a little on the dress,
a little on the desk... Not a whole lot, really!
He was no match for Kennedy
in the p*s*y department...!
Kennedy aimed high!
Clinton showed his d*ck
to a Government clerk!
There's a drop-off here!
There's a drof-off!
Thank you! Now...!
I appreciate it! Something else I'm getting
tired of, it's all the stupid...
...bulls**t we have to listen to
all the time about children!
It's all you hear in this country! "Children!
Help the children! What about the children?
Save the children!"
You know what I say? f**k the children!
They're getting entirely too much attention!
And I know what you're thinking!
You say: "Jesus! He ain't gonna attack children!
"Yes, he is!"
He's going to attack children!
And remember, this is "Mister Conductor" talking!
I know what I'm talking about!
I also know all you single dads and soccer moms
who think you're such f**king heroes ain't gonna
...but somebody's gotta tell you for your own good!
Your children are overrated and overvalued,
You're turning them into little cult objects...
You have a child fetish and it's not healthy!
And don't give that weak s**t:
"Well, I love my children!"
f**k you! Everybody loves their children!
Doesn't make you special!
John Wayne Gacy loved his children! Kept them all
right under the yard, near the garage!
That's not what I'm talking about!
What I'm talking about is this constant
mindless jammerin' in the media...
...this neurotic fixation that somehow everything...
Everything has to revolve around children!
It's completely out of balance! Listen!
There are a couple of things about kids
you have to remember! First of all:
They're not all cute!
OK? If I can get a look at them close,
some of them are rather unpleasant-looking!
And a lot of them don't smell
too good, either!
The little ones in particular, seem to have a kind
of urine and sour milk combination or something...!
Stay with me on this! The sooner you
face it, the better off you're gonna be!
Second premise! Not all children are smart
and clever! Got that?
Kids are like any other group of people!
A few winners, a whole lot of losers!
There are a lot of loser kids out there
who simply aren't going anywhere!
And you can't save them all!
You got to let them go, you gotta cut them loose...
...you gotta stop overprotecting them, 'cause
you're making them too soft! Today's kids are
way too soft!
For one thing, there's too much
emphasis on safety!
Child-proof medicine bottles, and fireproof
pijamas, child restraints and car seats and
Bicycles, skateboard, baseball helmets!
Kids have to wear helmets now for
everything but jerking off!
Grown-ups have taken all the fun out of being a kid
just to save a few thousand lives!
It's pathetic! It's pathetic!
What's happening is... alright!
What's happening... You know what it is?
These baby boomers, these soft, fruity
...are raising an entire generation of soft,
fruity kids who aren't even alloved to have
hazardous toys, for Christ's sake!
Hazardous toys s**t! Whatever happened to
natural selection? Survival of the fittest?
The kid who swallows too many marbles
doesn't grow up to have kids of his own!
Simple as that! Simple!
Nature knows best!
We're saving entirely too many lives
in this country! Of all ages!
Nature should be allowed to do its job of killing off
the weak and sickly and ignorant people...
...without interference from airbags
Just think of it as passive eugenics, OK?
Now! Here's another example of overprotection!
Do you ever notice on the TV news...?
...everytime some guy with an AK-47
strolls on to a schoolyard and kills
three or four kids and a couple of teachers...
The next day, the school is overrun with
counsellors, and psychiatrics, and grief
counsel and trauma therapists...
...trying to help the children cope! s**t!
When I was in school, someone came
to our school and killed three or four of us...
...we went right on with
Thirty-five classmates minus four...
We were tough!
We were tough!
I say, if kids can handle the violence at home,
they oughta be able to handle the violence
I'm not worried about guns in school!
You know what I'm waiting for?
Guns in church! That's gonna be a lot of fun!
And it'll happen! You watch! Some nut
will go f**king apeshit in the church...!
...and they'll refer to him as a
Here's another bunch of ignorant s**t!
School uniforms! Bad theory!
The idea that if kids wear uniforms at school,
it helps keep order...!
Don't these schools do enough damage
making all these kids think alike?
Now they're gonna get them
to look alike, too?
And it's not a new idea!
I first saw it in old newsreels
from the 1930's...
...but it was hard to understand,
'cause the narration was in German!
One more item about children, and
that is the superstitious nonsense...
...that blames tobacco companies
for kids who smoke! Listen!
Kids don't smoke because a camel
in sunglasses tells them to!
They smoke for the same reasons adults do!
Because it relieves anxiety and depression!
And you'd be anxious and depressed, too, if you
had to put up with these pathetic, insecure,
striving, anal, yuppy parents...!
...who enrol you in College before you're old
enough to know which side of the playpen
smells the worse!
...and then they fill you full of riddle,
and then drag you all over town in search
of meaningless structure!
Little league, cop scouts, swimming,
soccer, karate, piano, bagpipes,
water colours, witchcraft...
...glass blowing and dildo practice!
They even have play dates! For Christ's sake!
Playing is now done by appointment!
Whatever happened to "You show me your wee wee
and I'll show you mine?"
No wonder kids smoke!
Not as much as weed, but hey!
You can't have everything!
You know it's true!
Parents are burning these kids out on
structure! I think, every day...
All children should have three hours of
daydreaming! Just daydreaming!
You could use a little of it yourselves, by the way!
Just sit at the window, stare at the clouds!
It's good for you!
If you wanna know how you can help your children...
Leave them the f**k alone!
Alright, now a little change of pace,
a little change of intensity...
I want you to know what's on television tonight
on the other channels! Always like people to know
what it is they're missing by listening to my s**t!
First of all, on the Playboy Channel!
On the Playboy Channel... Yeah! Tonight...
...they have one of those new reality shows
where the people at home send in their own tapes...
It's called "Home Videos of Bad f**king!"
And speaking of that delightful activity, I guess
you know last week Ricky Lake had a special
programme: "Women who fake orgasms..."
...so tonight, not to be outdone, Jerry Springer
has a nighttime special: "Men who fake
Yeah! I think they're running out of topics
on those shows, too! Sally Jesse's next show
is "Rapists who force their victims to play
Getting a little strange on daytime TV!
Then, later on tonight, on the Nostalgia Channel,
they're gonna play back to back two of my
favourite episodes of "Little House on the Prairie!"
First of all, the 1975 Christmas show,
"A douche bag for Clara!"
Wasn't that good? Oh! And it was sad toward
the end, when she cried 'cause she stuck it
in the wrong hole!
But as they say in the U.S. Navy:
"There is no wrong hole!"
And then, right after that, they're gonna play
my favourite "Little House on the Prairie"
of all times...
"Missy takes a big dump in the woods!"
And that was interesting, I thought, 'cause
she had on the high heels and the long dress...
...and it was fun to watch how she had to manouver
through the poison sumac!
...and they didn't have toilet paper in those days!
She had to use a series of pinecones!
...and she was pulling them
in the wrong direction!
Yes! I understand toward the end of the show
they had to bleep out a lot of screaming and
And then, hey! Hey! Later on tonight,
on the Pay Per View...
On Pay Per View, Willie Nelson's concert is on,
and TV Guide listed all the songs he's gonna sing...
He's gonna start out with one of my favourites:
"Too Drunk to Jerk Off!" Ain't that a good one?
God, I love that song!
Then he's gonna do a series of love songs!
"Kiss Me, I'm Coming!"
Oh, that's a good one! "Kiss me, I'm coming,
Hold me, I'm humming! Ooh!"
Well, I can't help it! I am a romantic,
and I do enjoy the sentimental tunes!
Here's a sad song: "I Should Have Fucked
Old... What's Her Name?"
Remember that? "I should have never played
the game, I should have fucked old... What's
Here's one my mother used to sing around the house!
"Your Love Ran Down my Leg, and Now You're Gone!"
Yeah! That one always got to me!
I'm glad you feel the same way!
Here's a fine love song! "You Blew My Mind,
Now Blow Me!"
He's even gonna do a Stevie Wonder song!
"I Just Called to Say I Tested Positive!"
Well! You don't wanna leave anybody
out! You know what I mean?
And hey! What would a Willie Nelson show be
without a couple of cowboy songs?
He's gonna do that one George Jones and Waylon
Jennings wrote: "Drinking Beer, Taking a s**t and
And he's gonna do a kind of a traditional western
song! One that Gene Autrey used to sing when I
was a little boy...
"It's Midnight in Montana and I Can't
Get my d*ck Out of This Cow!"
I love that song! I've always liked it!
Yeah! You know why I like that song so much?
'Cause it's a real cowboy song!
And by the way! Speaking of
Do you know why it is when a ranger f**ks a sheep,
he does so at the edge of a cliff?
It's so the sheep would push back!
There is something for you!
Just a little tip for you outdoors men
when you're out camping!
Now this next thing is about names!
That's all! Names! Names are an interest
Not a hobby! Hobbies cost money!
Interests are free!
It's just about names! Do you ever notice
how they name singles bars?
Singles bars all have the same kind of cutesy
little one-word names that end in "s"!
Scamps, Tramps, Chats, Rumours, Cahoots,
Cheers, Chances, Mingles, Wrists, Gambits,
Hey! If I had a singles bar, you know what
I'd call it? "Nipples and d*cks!"
A little truth in advertising!
"The Sperm Club!"
"Caf Vagina!" Open all night!
Well, I'm an old-fashioned guy...!
I'm old-fashioned! Because I believe the name on
the outside of a place oughta let you know what's
going on in the inside!
Here would be a good name for a gay
restaurant! "The Mouthful!" Huh?
Come on, that's clever s**t! That's a double pun!
Goddam it! You didn't think of it!
Besides, you don't have to eat there
if you don't want to!
No, just go in...
Have a c**k-tail!
Or a high-ball!
Here's another name I don't care for!
T.G.I. Fridays! You know these cutesy-a**
little places! T.G.I. Fridays!
That whole T.G.I.F. thing was cute
for about an hour!
About an hour! And that was 65 years ago,
when someone first said it on the radio!
Not cute anymore! Time to start bombing
T.G.I. Fridays! If I had a place like that,
you know what I'd call it? H.S.I.O.W!
"Holy s**t! It's Only Wednesday!"
I think people would drink a lot more liquor,
if they thought it was Wednesday all the time!
Well, I'm just looking for a little honesty
in these names! A little honesty!
That's not asking a lot!
I'm thinking of opening a motel and calling it
the "Sleep and f**k!"
Wouldn't that be a good honest name for a motel?
Who needs the "Shady Pines" bulls**t!
The "Sleep and f**k Motel!"
Get me one of them big neon signs:
"Sleep - f**k!" "Sleep - f**k"
"Sleep & f**k!" "Sleep & f**k!" "Sleep & f**k!"
"Sleep - f**k!" "Sleep - f**k!"
"Sleep & f**k!" "Sleep & f**k!"
You put that right at the Jersey entrance
to the Holland Tunnel! You know?
Actually, "f**k and Sleep" would be a little
more accurate, wouldn't it?
Best name for a motel would be the "f**k and Smoke
and Sleep and Roll Over and Get Out of Bed, Wash
Your Crotch and Grab By Two Cans of Mister Peeb
and Go Home and f**k a Whole Lot More!"
'Cause that's all they ever have left in
those soda machines on Sunday night!
Mister Peeb and Diet Chester Orange!
And that yellow can of Canada Dry
Tonic Water that nobody wants!
And speaking of naming things...
Am I the only person in this country
...when these commercials come on television
for "Snapper Lawnmowers"?
Isn't there anyone else in this fading
repubic who knows what a snapper is?
A snapper is as p*s*y! OK?
That's what it means!
Snapper means p*s*y!
It's derived from an older, more specific term:
...which describes a particular type of p*s*y, one
with quick, quick muscular control, kind of
an elasticity in the vaginal wall that can grab
the hold of you and give you a decent hump!
You know what I'm talking about...!
A snapping p*s*y!
But now, now snapper means any kind of p*s*y,
and they've named a lawnmower company after it!
Now, I have seen a few snappers in my day...!
Never seen one that it'll cut grass!
No, no! Maybe do a little edging... A little edging
along the driveway after a party! That's all you
can hope for!
But you know? Weed-whacker you can understand!
Now, a lot of these company names and product
names are influenced...
...by marketing and advertising people,
and this next thing is about advertising...
By the way, if you should have any
cognitive disidence about the fact...
...that I do commercials for ten, ten,
two-twenty and still attack advertising
up here... Well...
You're just gonna have to figure
that s**t out on your own, OK?
This is called "Advertising Lullaby!"
Keeping in mind, of course, that the whole
purpose of advertising is to lull you to sleep!
Quality, value, style, service, selection,
convenience, economy, savings, performance...
...experience, hospitality, low-rates, friendly
service, name brands, easy terms, affordable
prices, money-back guarantee...
...free installation! Free admission, free
appraisal, free alterations, free delivery,
free estimates, free home trial!
...and free parking! No cash? No problem!
No fuss, no muss, no risk, no obligation,
no red tape, no down payment, no entry fee,
no hidden charges, no purchase necessary,
no one will call on you...
...no payments of interests till september!
Limited-time only, though! So act now!
Order today! Send no money! Offer good
while supplies last...
Two to a customer, each item sold separately,
batteries not included, mileage may vary,
all sales are final, allow six weeks for delivery...
...some items not available, some assembly
required, some restrictions may apply...!
So come on in!
Come on in for a free demonstration and a free
consultation with our friendly professional staff!
Our experienced and knowledgeable sales
representatives will help you make a selection
that's just right for you and just right for your budget!
And say! Don't forget to pick up your free gift!
A classic, deluxe...
..custom, designer, luxury, prestige,
high-quality, premium, select, gourmet,
pocket pencil sharpener...
Yours for the asking! No purchase necessary!
It's our way of saying "Thank you!"
And if you act now, we'll include an extra added
free complimentary bonus gift! A classic, deluxe,
custom, designer, luxury, prestige...
...high-quality, premium, select, gourmet,
combination key-ring, magnifying glass
and garden hose!
In a genuine, imitation leather-style,
carrying case with authentic vinyl trim...
Yours for the asking! No purchase necessary!
It's our way of saying "Thank you!"
Actually, it's our way of saying:
"Bend over just a little bit further...!"
...so we can stick this big advertising d*ck
up your a** a little bit deeper!
A little beep deeper! A little bit deeper!
You miserable, no-good, f**king consumer a**hole!
'Cause you do know, folks!
Living in this country, you're bound to know...
...that every time you expose to advertising,
you realise once again, that America's
leading industry, America's most profitable
busines is still...
...the manufacture, packaging, distribution,
and marketing of bulls**t!
High quality! Grade A! Prime cut,
pure American bulls**t!
And the sad part is, is that most people
seem to have been indoctrinated to believe that...
...bulls**t only comes from certain places!
Certain sources! Advertising, politics, salesmen!
bulls**t is everywhere! bulls**t is rampant!
Parents are full of s**t!
Teachers are full of s**t!
Clergymen are full of s**t, and law enforcement
people are full of s**t!
This entire country!
This entire country is full of s**t,
and always has been...!
From the Declaration of Independence, to the
Constitution, to the Star Spangled Banner,
is still nothing more than one big steaming
pile of red, white and blue, all-American bulls**t!
Because think of how we started! Think of that!
This country was founded...
...by a group of slave owners who told us:
"All men are created equal!"
Oh yeah! All men! Except for indians, and niggers,
and women, right? Always like to use that authentic
This was a small group of unelected white male
landholding slaveowners who also suggested...!
...their class be the only one allowed to vote!
Now, that's what's known as being stunningly...!
...and embarrassingly full of s**t!
And I think...
...I think Americans really show their
ignorance when they say they want
their politicians to be honest!
What are these f**king cretins
If honesty were suddenly introduced into
American life the whole system would collapse!
No one would know what to do!
Honesty would f**k this country up!
And I think deep down Americans know that!
That's why they elected
and re-elected Bill Clinton!
Because the American people like their bulls**t
right out front, where they can get a good, strong
whiff of it!
Clinton may be full of s**t,
but at least he lets you know it!
Dole tried to hide it, didn't he?
Dole kept saying: "I'm a plain and honest man!"
bulls**t! People don't believe that!
What did Clinton say?
He said: "Hi, folks! I'm completely
full of s**t, and how do you like that?"
And the people said: "You know something?
At least he's honest!"
At least he's honest about
being completely full of s**t!
It's just like the business world!
Same as business! Everybody knows by now...
...all businessmen are completely
full of s**t!
Just the worst kind of low-life criminal c**ksuckers
you could ever wanna run into!
A f**king piece-of-s**t businessman!
And the proof it is...!
...they don't even trust each other!
They don't trust one another! When a
businessman sits down to negotiate a deal...
...the first thing he does is to automatically
assume that the other guy is a complete
lying prick who's trying to f**k him
out of his money!
So he's gotta do everything he can to f**k
the other guy a little bit faster and a little
And he's gotta do it with a big smile on his face!
You know that big, bulls**t businessman smile?
And if you're a customer... Whoa!
That's when you get the really big smile!
Customer always gets the really big smile!
As the businessman carefully positions himself...
...directly behind the customer, and unzips
his pants, and proceeds to service the account!
I'm servicing this account!
This customer needs service!
Now you what they mean!
Now you know what they mean when they say:
"We especialize in customer service!"
Whoever coined the phrase "Let the buyer beware!"
was probably bleeding from the a**hole!
But in the bulls**t department, a businessman
can't hold a candle to a clergyman...
'Cause I gotta tell you the truth, folks!
When it comes to bulls**t...
Big-time, major-league bulls**t,
you have to stand in awe...!
...in awe! Of the all-time champion of false
promises and exaggerated claims! Religion!
No contest! No contest!
Religion easily has the greatest bulls**t story
Think about it! Religion has actually
...that there's an invisible man,
living in the sky, who watches everything
you do, every minute of every day...
...and the invisible man has a special list
of ten things he does not want you to do!
And if you do any of these ten things,
he has a special place...!
...full of fire, and smoke, and burning,
and torture, and anguish, where he'll send you
...and suffer, and burn, and choke, and scream,
and cry, for ever and ever, till the end of time!
But he loves you!
He loves you, and he needs money!
He always needs money! He's all-powerful,
all-perfect, all-knowing and all-wise, somehow...
...just can't handle money!
Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay
no taxes, and they always need a little more...!
Now! You talk about a good bulls**t story?
But I want you to know something, I want you
to know something, this is sincere! When it comes
to believing in God...
I really tried! I really tried! I tried to believe
that there is a God...
...who created each of us in his own image and
likeness, loves us very much, and keeps
a close eye on things...
I really tried to believe that! But I gotta
tell you! The longer you live, the more
you look around...
...the more you realise something is fucked up!
Something is wrong here!
War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth,
poverty, torture, crime, corruption and the
Something is definitely wrong!
This is not good work! If this is the best
God can do, I am not impressed!
Results like this do not belong
in the rsum of a supreme being!
This is the kind of s**t you'd expect from
an office temp with a bad attitude!
And just between you and me, in any decently run
universe, this guy would have been out on his
all-powerful a** a long time ago!
By the way, I say "this guy", because I firmly
believe, looking at these results, that if there
is a God, it has to be a man...
...no woman could or would ever
f**k things up like this! So...!
If there is a god, I think most reasonable people
might agree that he's at least incompetent...
...and maybe - just maybe -
doesn't give a s**t!
Doesn't give a s**t! Which I admire in a person,
and which would explain a lot of these bad results!
So rather than be just another mindless robot,
mindlessly and aimlessly and blindly believing
that all of this is in the hands....
...of some spooky, incompetent
father figure who doesn't give a s**t...
...I decided to look around for something else
to worship! Something I could really count on!
...I thought of the sun! Happened like that!
Overnight, I became a sun worshipper!
Well, not overnight!
You can't see the sun at night!
First thing the next morning I became
a sun worshipper! Several reasons...
...first of all, I can see the sun! OK? Yeah!
Unlike some other Gods I can mention,
I can actually see the sun!
I'm big on that! If I can see something!
I don't know! Kind of helps the credibility along,
So every day I can see the sun, as he
gives me everything I need...!
Heat, life, food, flowers in the park,
reflections on the lake...
And occasional skin cancer, but hey!
At least there are no crucifixions!
...and when not setting people on fire simply
because they don't agree with us!
Sun worship is fairly simple!
...there's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry,
no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn...
...and we don't have a special building where
we all gather once a week to compare clothing!
The best thing about the sun,
it never tells me I'm unworthy...!
It doesn't tell me I'm a bad person who needs
to be saved! Hasn't said an unkind word!
Treats me fine! So, I worship the sun,
But I don't pray to the sun! Know why?
I wouldn't presume on our friendship!
It's not polite! I often thought people treat God
rather rudely! Don't you?
Asking help... Trillions and trillions of prayers
every day! Asking and pleading and begging
for favours: "Do this, Gimme that, I need
a new car, I want a better job..."
And most of this praying takes place
on Sunday! His day off!
It's not nice! And it's no way to treat a friend!
But people do pray and they pray for lots of
different things... You know, your sister needs
an operation on her crotch...
Your brother was arrested for
defecating in a mall...
But most of all, you'd really like to f**k
that hot little redhead down at the
You know? The one with the eye patch
and the club foot?
Do you pray for that? I think you'd have to!
And I say "Fine, pray for anything you want!
Pray for anything!" But...
What about the divine plan? Remember that?
The divine plan...
Long time ago, God made a divine plan!
Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was
a good plan...
...put it into practice, and for billions and
billions of years, the divine plan has been
doing just fine!
Now you come along and pray for something!
Well, suppose the thing you want...!
...isn't in God's divine plan!
What do you want him to do?
Change his plan?
Just for you? That doesn't seem a little arrogant?
It's a divine plan!
What's the use of being God if every run-down
schmuck with a two-dollar prayer book can
come along and f**k up your plan?
And here's something else! Another problem
you might have! Suppose your prayers aren't
What do you say?
"Well, it's God will!
Thy will be done!"
Fine! But if it's God's will, and he's gonna
do what he wants to do anyway, why the f**k
bother praying in the first place?
Seems like a big waste of time to me!
Couldn't you just skip the praying part
and go right to his will?
It's all very confusing! So to get around
a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun!
But, as I said, I don't pray to the sun!
You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci!
Joe Pesci! Joe Pesci!
Two reasons: First of all, I think he's
a good actor, OK? To me, that counts!
Second, he looks like a guy
who can get things done!
Joe Pesci doesn't f**k around!
Doesn't f**k around!
In fact... In fact...!
Joe Pesci came through on a couple
of things God was having trouble with!
For years, I asked God to do something
about my noisy neighbour with the barking dog...
Joe Pesci straightened that c**ksucker out
with one visit!
It's amazing what you can accomplish
with a simple baseball bat!
So, I've been praying to Joe
for about a year now...
...and I've noticed something. I've noticed
that all the prayers I used to offer to God...
...and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci,
are being answered at about the same fifty
per cent rate...!
Half the time I get what I want, half the time
I don't! Same as God! Fifty-fifty!
Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe,
the wishing well, and the rabbit's foot,
same as the mojo man...
...same as the voodoo lady who tells you your
fortune by squeezing the god's testicles...
It's all the same! Fifty-fifty! So just pick your
superstition, sit back, make a wish,
and enjoy yourselves!
And for those of you who look to the Bible for
moral lesson and literary qualities, I want to
suggest a couple of other stories for you...
You might wanna look at "The Three Little Pigs",
That's a good one...
Has a nice, happy ending!
I'm sure you'll like that!
Then there's "Little Red Riding Hood", although
it does have that X-rated part where the Big Bad
Wolf actually eats the grandmother...
...which I didn't care for,
by the way!
And finally, I've often -always- drawn a great
deal of moral comfort from "Humpty Dumpty!"
The part I like the best: "All the king's horses
and all the king's men, couldn't put Humpty
Dumpty back together again!"
That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and
there is no God! None! Not one! No God! Never was!
In fact, I'm gonna put it this way!
If there is a God...
...may he strike this audience dead!
See? Nothing happened!
Everybody's OK! Alright! Tell you what?
I'll raise the stakes a little bit!
If there is a God, may he strike me dead!
See? Nothing happened...
Oh, wait! Got a little cramp in my leg...
And my balls hurt!
Plus, I'm blind!
I'm bli... Oh, Now I'm OK again!
Must have been Joe Pesci! Huh?
God bless Joe Pesci! Thank you all very much!
Joe bless you! Thank you very much!
I appreciate it!
Bye, bye! That's fine!
Good! Thank you very much!
Have a good time!
Have a good time!