Previously on "weeds"...
you are so beautiful.
You are like a mermaid.
- Maria mermex.
- S?
We could bring her back
here if we were coyotes.
Ihola! Welcome to america! Happy
days. Have you seen this girl?
I have found the man you're looking for.
He calls himself...
El Andy.
Moses wasn't half the coyote I am.
This is what my people ate
as we wandered the desert.
I will lead you now.
You shall be a free people!
Estados unidos!
How do you know so much about weed?
It's my business.
I'm f**king a teenage drug dealer?
Soccer shoe. Soccee.
- The preggies keep coming.
- We call it ftbol.
Igol!
- That's your mom.
- What? No!
Hi, mrs. Botwin.
Honey, why are you hiding sammy
davis' autobiography behind your back?
Who's the king of the school?
The most popular, most athletic?
I'm dan.
Don't f**k with me.
- Are you hungry?
- I'm starving.
Boss is taking you to lunch.
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Season04 Episode09
Yes, you are.
You're bailing on me again.
You should just hang up
now so I can order a pizza.
Ahorita, mi amor, I
apologize, but duty calls.
- What are you, batman?
- Yes.
Cesar is alfred. I'll make
it up to you, okay? Tomorrow.
Do you like lobster? I have a boat.
This is the third time you've canceled.
Not canceled
-- postponed.
And you broke a date last tuesday.
Well, three beats one.
Some girls might take
that the wrong way.
Yeah. But you're not
a girl. You're a woman.
An incredibly sexy woman
who tastes like white chocolate
when I nibble inside her thigh
and run my tongue down her
perfectly smooth, slippery...
Ya voy. I'm sorry. I-I'm running
late. I really have to go.
You suck!
Tomorrow night. You'll eat
lobster, and I will eat you.
Yes, you will.
What's this?
New grow house.
Grow room, actually. You
have a date or something?
No. I'm just... no.
Smells like you have a date.
When did we decide you
were gonna move your plants?
Uh, something kind of fell into my lap.
Does this something have anything to
do with your mysterious sleepaways?
You noticed?
I thought you were too
busy not going on dates.
Hey, nance.
did you get stood up again?
No, I
d-- no.
Smells like you got stood up again.
Perfume and frustration.
But, hey, I'm simpatico.
I know why the caged bird sings,
nance. It hurts. The bird hurts.
I can be back later with cheetos and malt balls
if you want to get high and listen to my cry tape.
Didn't I tell you to move out?
- I'll paint your toenails.
- Maybe.
Where exactly is this grow room?
Back of a cheese shop.
Great cover smell.
- Cash or credit?
- Credit.
All right. Uh, that'll be, um...
$164... and 17 cents.
You know, we give discounts for cash.
- I only have, like, $37 in cash.
- Done.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
Tell your friends.
Thanks.
System's down. It'S... cash only.
In this hour, we're gonna
examine a sense of moral justice.
Everybody knows that sometimes
you feel something is right,
and sometimes you feel
something is wrong.
Morning, buddy.
Just shaving here.
Taming the whiskers.
Those dirty whiskers.
Go get 'em, champ. Public education
-- cornerstone of democracy.
The hat.
Oh, buddy.
Oh, no.
So, each plant will yield less.
But because I'm packing so many into such a
small space, the overall harvest goes way up.
The "mr. Botany" thing? It's hot.
Bigger harvest means bigger bucks.
Means I pay you back faster.
Maybe we should get
another one of these.
- I got a customer.
- I have a boner.
Come on.
- You must be rad's mom.
- Yeah. Lisa.
I'm nancy. Silas' mom...
nancy. Hi, silas.
What are you doing here?
Want to make sure you're not...
doing anything stupid.
Like... trafficking
with the mexican mafia?
- Can I go back there?
- No.
I would suggest building,
um, a fake wall --
something the health
inspector won't mess with.
Also, mature plants tend to smell
a lot more than moldy blocks of cow,
so you'll
need better --
ventilation.I know.
And don't let him leave advanced
nutrients empties around or in the trash.
- It's a big tip-off.
- I know what I'm doing.
You don't know what you're doing.
You're growing pot with your...
Your girlfriend in a cheese shop.
I-I won't let anything happen to him.
Because you know what you're doing?
Because you're a mom and
you worry about amber alerts
and the internet and
the catholic church?
You're f**king my
17-year-old son.
Mom.
Rad's gonna be 17 sooner than you think.
He's a good-looking boy.
All right. Do me up.
- I sold you an eight ball yesterday.
- Yes.
And thank you very
much. I need another one.
See? Cash.
- No more for you.
- Excuse me?
You're not good.
- I'm fine.
- You're not fine.
- I told you I'm fine.
- Not fine.
Give me the f**king... Blow.
Okay, brace yourself. Deep breath.
"Yes I can"? You said I was gonna
freak out. I was thinking gun.
Page 96.
You don't think he'S...
oh, yeah. He's, uh...
are you sure?
He's absolutely. I'm
100% positive he'S...
you got to talk to him.
Not this time.
This is way outside my kink zone.
- Shane. My baby.
- I know.
Silas is f**king rad's mom.
I know, right?
It's a world gone mad.
He's gonna notice they're gone.
I can't let him -- that's
me, he'S... that's me.
You're right. Take the
pictures. Confront the situation.
Deal with it head-on. Yep.
f**k!
Or make peace with it. Let it
slide, you know? Boys will be boys.
You ever do
this when you --
no f**king way!Thank you,
god! My mom was not hot.
Flappy upper arms, strange moles.
Why couldn't he have had a gun?
Ichingado!
Cocaine. ¿Coca?
¿El dolce de... nosey? ¿Snorty?
All right... want to fool around?
What happened?
I had to take a s**t.
And this is what came out!
No, mames. ¿Quieres que me maten?
Vamos con que ahorita vamos.
{a6}Have you seen this girl?
S? Es marA.
Please be sure.
I'm very vulnerable right now.
Very sensitive.
Yes. I know her well.
God bless you. Can you take us to her?
If I feel like it.
Don't tease me, you crusty wh*re.
I think she wants you
to grease the wheels.
Okay.
Shot of tequila for the
sweet, old lady here.
- Now can you take me to her?
- No.
Listen, you c**k-juggling thundercunt.
There we go.
Come. That way. I will take you to her.
That's more like it.
I got butterflies.
Yeah, just be yourself, doug.
And try not to call her a thundercunt.
Grandma's got wheels.
We don't run. We're americans.
Oh, s**t.
It is time to pay, cabrN.
That's the bad coyote belt-stealer guy.
The one who tried to rape
reyna and stab me in the neck.
I pictured him taller.
I will shoot your knee
and shoot your balls.
I will shoot your belly and
feed you to the sewer rats.
Does that mean that i can go?
Okay. Okay. Okay.
I'm sorry, man.
This is so not cool. My last
meal was a bowl of chile peanuts.
El andy... is a good man.
He has brought much happiness
to our familia and our friends.
He will not die this day. You will die!
Okay, okay!
Hang on here, guys.
The way of el andy...
is the way of peace.
And creature comforts.
Just walk away, mr.
Coyote. Or limp away.
And limp in peace.
We will not harm you.
I just did the whole peace speech.
That was hector.
He no speak english.
She is crazy
She should be loked in crazy jail.
With crazy people.
I completely agree.
She's bat-s**t insane.
She has snakes in her head.
She got a good heart.
Nancy: She fucked up, and she's fired.
But let's face it. We
all fucked up, okay?
Kung pao made me piss out of my a**.
Could happen to anyone.
But can we just agree to keep
all of our f**k-ups to ourselves?
¿S? No cesar. ¿S? Okay?
I did not f**k up.
¿quieres cosas? s**t.
la ropa en la store...
j-just please ask him if he'd like to take
anything from the store for his troubles.
La patrona quiere saber si quieres
una ropita por tus molestias.
Viejas gordas y rencorosas.
He says that the store is for ladies
who hate men who made them fat.
Doesn't he have a wife or a girlfriend?
Somebody he wants to impregnate?
¿Tienes una guerita
que qued? embarazada?
Pues, mi hermana.
His sister.
Is pregnant by her husband.
Great. Okay, well, why don't you take a bag
and fill it up with some stuff from the store,
and we'll just forget
this ever happened, okay?
You want me to take care of her?
Yeah, go ahead. Maybe I'll wear
something fun to her funeral.
Shut up. I'm taking you home.
Okay. Come here, honey. Let's
clean that pretty face of yours.
It's me. I can't make it tonight.
This is not a spite cancelation.
I have a very sick child on my hands.
Tomorrow night? Please?
This is not the first
trouble with Nancy.
Problems with Guillermo.
Problems with her people and the tunnel.
She is dangerous.
No. No. No.
She is impulsive.
She is reckless.
But she is not dangerous.
She is putting you at risk.
Really?How?
She is making you reckless.
Did you show her your lion?
Make me a f**king drink.
What would you like?
Something dangerous.
Something reckless.
With a twist.
Sweetie...
uh, sweetie, um...
I want to talk to you about, um...
I'm just... I'm just...
I'm just...
I'm just gonna throw this out there.
I think it's a little, um...
I don't want to say "weird."
Maybe another word for "weird" without
all the weird connotations of "weird,"
like "peculiar,"
maybe, or "eccentric"...
or how about "quirky"?
Okay, it's quirky.
It's a little quirky to masturbate
to pictures of your mother --
to have this sexual kind of relationship
or connection or hook up with
a stand-in for your mother.
You may think it's okay because this
woman isn't actually your mother.
Because these photographs don't necessarily
look like me since you know me as me now,
not me as me then.And,
according to freud,
a lot of people want to have sex with their
mother or substitutes for their mother,
and it's normal in the planning
stages, but it should stop there.
And I realize there's a lot of hormonal
compulsion, some of it beyond your control,
and it's nothing terrible or unnatural
or anything we need to
talk about in gory detail.
Because sex...
sex is good, freud said --
or annie sprinkle maybe said.
Sex is great, and you should
have sex safely with your peers,
like megan or tara or
playboy or penthouse or juggs,
if you're so inclined to
that particular body part.
You should go ahead, fantasize about
having great sex with these people,
but you should probably avoid the areas
which include having great sex with your
mother or a substitute for your mother.
And, I mean, things, you know,
happen. It's understandable.
She's blonde. She's got a cheese store.
You hide them in a sammy davis jr.
Biography. Who's gonna look there?
It happens, but it
shouldn't happen anymore.
And we can swear
-- and I do swear
to never, ever, ever
speak of this again.
Well, then...
okay, then.
We'll just...
So, tell me about this boat.
Okay. Well... no.
Some other time, then. Okay. Bye.
Mom? Mom?
Mom, are you shooting heroin?
It's restylane. I-it's for my lips.
That needle was sticking
out of your forehead.
Yeah. It works there, too.
Not really. You need help.
Okay. I'll hold out my
lip, and you put it in.
I'm calling dad.
I'm fine.
Here comes psycho.
There he is.
I hear he killed his dad.
I think he's mexican.
Tolan said he made a
necklace out of dan's teeth.
My brother saw him in gym class.
Huge d*ck.
Did you see his limo and his bodyguard?
Mucho fucked-up.
- His eyes, too.
-Yeah.
Look, look, look.
Hey, there.
Do you party?
Yeah. I party.
I mean, you saw her the other day, and
now she's pretty much losing her s**t.
Oh, well. This can't be easy for her.
You have no idea who
you're talking about.
You know what? It doesn't matter.
Clock strikes 18, and
I'm done with all of it.
Here you go. Greatest american hero.
Patch here works at the airport.
Big smokers in baggage.
Could be some nice business.
Bulk discounts. And we cater.
Oh, right on.
And I want you to know I bought
a vaporizer for this s**t.
I'm honored.
Well, you inspire me.
Truly. I might write a poem.
Later.
Bon apptit.
This is totally gonna work! Sandwiches!
We should move in together.
Before I say anything, I just want
to say this is completely unexpected.
coyote-ing has been a passion
project of mine for a few weeks now.
But I didn't do it alone.
It takes a village...
to smuggle a human.
And when I see myself up on the wall...
I smell the breath of every
sun-stained face I've liberated.
I, uh -- it's, uh --
it's, uh... I'm at a loss.
Uh, dos gatos for everyone!
And dos dos gatos for my friend, doug!
Thank you, raul.
- El andy.
- Yes, sir?
What is wrong with your tall friend?
A cloud of sadness hangs over him.
The man is in love
with a beautiful notion.
Must be nice being el andy.
Things are awesome for el andy.
Sucks being el doug.
Come on, compadre.
We're in mexico chasing a dream.
When's the last time you chased a dream?
I'm a sidekick, andy.
I'm a sad and lonely sidekick.
I'm andrew ridgeley.
What? He's the other guy in wham!
The guy who doesn't blow people in
public bathrooms. He had a solo album.
I never bought
it, but --
I bought it, andy.It sucked.
El andy... this is the woman
your depressed amigo searches for?
People don't even talk to sidekicks.
It's like I'm not even here.
That's the one, raul.
We will help the sad, tall,
angry, baby man find her.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome,El andy
and you forget your pruning shears?
Lisa and I have, um...
decided to slow things down
and nurture ourselves more --
replenish our reserves
of... oxy... tocin.
You got anything that
needs to be washed?
No
well...feel free to...
raid the fridge, take
the car, play your...
music too loud.
Thanks, mom.
You okay?
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Season04 Episode09
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