Toro! Toro! Toro!
Toro! Toro! Toro!
- Whose idea was this, anyway?
- They're gaining on us.
He's after me!
Stay, bull. Stay, bull.
Stop following me!
Does he know what he's
doing? Has he any idea
what he's doing? Because
I can't talk to him.
He's doing a beautiful job.
Sir. El doctor.
Don't sew up anything that's
supposed to remain open, OK?
What, are you taking pictures, Phil?
Are you kiddin'? This is
a Kodak moment. Now, smile.
Blind him with the flash.
Phil, let the man keep
what's left of his dignity, please.
- "Dignity." This is all your fault, Ed.
- My fault?
- You're a macho lunatic. Phil and
I are sheep. - We're not sheep.
- We do every stupid thing he asks!
- I didn't make you run.
No, it was a 2,000lb rampaging animal
spraying bull snot all over Spain.
That's what made me run.
You made me stand in front of it.
Come on, guys.
I got a big "I told you so"
coming from Barbara.
Maybe she won't notice.
- Honey, want a pillow? It's a long flight.
- No, thanks.
Come on, it's not that bad.
I look like your mother.
Here comes Mr Bull.
Kim, baby, do you want
the aisle or the window seat?
- Whatever you want makes me happy.
- I don't care.
Good, then take the window.
I wanna talk to Mitch.
- Be right back.
- Miss me.
Admit it, pal.
You had fun.
No. Scuba diving is fun.
I mean that's normal. People do that.
Baseball fantasy camp, until Phil
threw up on Willie Mays, was fabulous.
- I was nervous. He was my idol.
- I'll never forget Willie's face.
"Say, hey. That's lunch on me."
- Phil. I'm standing.
- Yes, dear.
Can't wait to get out of this country.
Maybe it's just me, but I think our little
adventures lately are becoming... stupid.
What did you call them?
- "Desperate attempt to cling
to your youth." - Yeah, that.
- That's bulls**t.
- bulls**t? Ed, have you noticed...
...the older you get,
the younger your girlfriends get?
Soon, you'll be dating sperm.
- I'm back.
- OK. I have just one more thing to say.
- Target parachute jumping.
Now, it's a smaller parachute,
but you're travelling twice as fast.
Great! When they find your body,
they can bury it in a sucrets box.
- Phil said he'd go.
- Phil wants to die.
If you were married to that,
you'd wanna die too.
He's pretending to be asleep
so he doesn't have to talk to her.
It's a couple of little jumps from a plane.
And then what? We go on safari, only
the animals have guns and they hunt us?
- Forget about it.
- It's never enough for you, Ed.
- I'm reading.
- When's it ever gonna be enough?
It's september 8th, 1952.
We're driving back from
your Aunt Marsha. My water breaks.
Your father jumps the divider
of the sawmill River parkway...
...and races me to Doctors' Hospital and...
...at 5.16, out you came.
Happy birthday, darling.
- Here's your father.
- Hello, boy. Happy birthday.
- Hi, Dad, how are you?
- I'm losing feeling in my left leg.
- Here's your mother.
- Don't worry. He's fine.
So, what are you gonna
do now, birthday boy?
I thought I'd lie here another three
and a half hours, and then go to work.
- Is Barbara with you?
- No, she's working the streets.
She has her breakfast with her pimp.
She'll be in around 7.30.
- Hi, Mom.
- Give my boy a kiss.
I can't believe my baby's 39 years old.
Angel, birthday boy.
Well, at least she said my age in years.
Usually she uses months,
like I'm still an infant.
"Oh, good. He's 468 months today."
I look a year older.
Do I look a year older to you?
Honey, at 5.15,
everybody looks a year older.
- Do you know what I found yesterday?
- Hair in my ear.
I'm losing hair where I want hair,
and getting one where it shouldn't be hair.
I found four big fat ones on my back.
I'm starting to look like the fly.
That's it. I'm cancelling
your birthday party.
- Cos your birthdays depress you.
- No, they don't.
- Oh, Mitch.
On your 30th birthday,
you said you couldn't see.
On your 34th birthday,
you forgot my name for an hour.
Last year, when I asked you
what you wanted...
...you said a CAT scan.
- I had a headache.
- This year, let's just let it pass.
- I wanna see my friends.
- All right.
But I don't want people coming over here
thinking they're in a Bergman film.
"You've met my husband, Mr Death?"
- I'll be good.
Cos I don't need you
any worse than you've been.
- Wait a second. What does that mean?
Got a minute?
Hi. Only if a few minutes.
I have career day at Danny's school.
Yeah, it'll just take a second.
What is it?
* Pizza Guy, Pizza Guy
* Come on down to Pizza Guy
* Be a happy, happy fella
* Have some sauce and mozzarella
* At Pizza Guy
So, it's stupid.
- It makes people change the station.
- I didn't write it.
You bought it. You put it on the air
three times a night in a prime time.
People are having accidents.
You used to go out and get advertising.
You were creative.
Something bad came in, you fixed it.
You rewrote it.
You worked with it.
My God, we used to make fun of guys
who bought crap like this.
What's going on with you?
Did you ever reach a point
in your life where you think...
..."This is the best I'm ever gonna
look, the best I'm ever gonna feel...
...the best I'm ever gonna do,
and it ain't that great"?
- Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
Look, I'm the station manager.
I'm responsible... for the quality
of work here at the station...
...so, until further notice, I shall
personally approve all the new spots.
What? I can't make a deal
without checking with you first?
Just till you get back on track.
So we're doing this job
on 60th and 3rd...
...big friggin' ballbreaker
of a job, right?
We got the area roped off so
that some schmuck don't walk in...
...and take a wreckin' ball
between the eyes.
All of a sudden, this woman, with the big,
dark glasses, the Bloomingdale's bags...
...she starts walkin' through the ropes.
I yelled down at her "Hey, you
can't go there, you stupid b*tch!"
Suddenly, this big steam fitting bursts...
...and this enormous goddamn crane
crashes right down on her legs...
...and she's screaming "My legs! My legs!"
And I say "No s**t, your legs. You got
a 2,000lb goddamn crane on 'em."
Now, do you know how, in an emergency,
you can get superhuman strength?
I reach down and I lift this crane...
...and Ernesto's able
to slide her out from under...
...and the doctors were
able to save her legs!
So the moral is... don't walk
where you're not supposed to walk...
...because there may not be somebody
with superhuman strength to save you.
And don't do drugs.
Thank you, Mr Morelli.
That was... very descriptive.
Daniel, would you introduce your father,
please, and tell us what he does?
My Dad's named Mitch and he's...
...he's a submarine commander.
He works for WBLM radio.
Well, like Danny said,
I work for WBLM radio.
- Are you a disc jockey?
- No, I'm not a disc jockey.
You know the commercials
that are on the radio?
Do you make all those commercials?
No. Other people
make the commercials.
I sell them time on our station
for the commercials to be on.
So you decide which
commercials to use and when.
That's right. Well, no, it's
not right. It used to be right.
Seems now that I have to check with the
station manager if I wanna wipe my nose.
The minute he took away
my authority, I shoulda quit.
Value this time in your life, kids.
This is the time in your life
when you still have your choices.
It goes by so fast.
When you're a teenager, you think
you can do anything, and you do.
Your 20s are a blur. 30s, you raise
your family, you make a little money...
...and you think to yourself
"What happened to my 20s?"
40s, you grow a little pot belly, you grow
another chin. The music gets too loud.
An old girlfriend from high school
becomes a grandmother.
50s, you have a minor surgery. You'll
call it a "procedure", but it's a surgery.
60s, you'll have a major surgery.
The music is still loud...
...but you can't hear it anyway.
70s, you and the wife
retire to Fort Lauderdale.
You eat dinner at two in the afternoon...
...lunch around ten,
breakfast the night before.
You spend most of your time in malls
looking for the ultimate soft yoghurt...
"How come the kids don't call?"
The 80s, you'll have a major stroke. You
end up babbling to a Jamaican nurse...
...that your wife can't stand
but who you call "Momma".
Danny was embarrassed
to tell the class what my job is.
They're nine! They get excited about the
guy who gives them change at the arcade.
You just happen to have one
of those jobs that's difficult to...
Believe that a grown man
does without losing his mind.
Well, what is my job?
I sell advertising time on the radio.
Basically, I sell air.
At least my father was
an upholsterer. He made a
sofa, coach you can sit
on it. Something tangible.
What can I point to?
Where's my work? It's air. I sell air.
So what are you saying?
You wanna quit?
How can I quit?
- You're trapped?
- Yeah. You want to send Holly...
...to a performing arts school.
- She's got talent.
Talent? She was in one play,
and she fell off the stage.
That's not talent, that's gravity.
And that school costs money.
- Where are you going?
- I'm sleeping at Gwen's.
Are you paying rent there?
- We're having a birthday party.
- I don't wanna hang out with your friends.
- I told her it'd be all right.
We'll have a family party tomorrow.
- Bye, Dad. Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
Let me show you
how I pop my shoulder.
He's in the gifted programme at school.
Come on, go to sleep.
Kim, you poor thing. What has married
life done to you? You look like hell!
Six months. Admit it. You didn't
think Ed would ever get married.
He met the right woman.
- How often are you meeting that woman?
- You're lucky it's your birthday, pal.
Excuse me, I see one
of the guests is stealing.
Your husband is so cute.
You must laugh all day.
My sides hurt.
We saw a picture of you
in a newspaper in your underwear.
Oh, that was an advertisement.
I sometimes model ladies' underwear.
- You looked great.
...you said "Let's see how
she looks after having two kids."
Daniel, time to go to bed.
We'll wake you for your wedding.
to sleep at my birthday party.
Is she around?
She's in the kitchen.
This is quite a life you've
carved out for yourself, Phil.
We haven't had cake.
He hasn't even opened his presents yet.
Phil, you have to open the store
at 4.30. Daddy's counting on you.
15 more minutes?
4.30 in the morning?
You manage a supermarket,
that's when the food arrives.
Don't you have an assistant
or a kid or somethin'?
Arlene's father likes me to do it.
"No free rides, Philly boy.
No free rides."
I'm tellin' you, they got me by the balls.
She's got one, he's got the other.
Do you ever think about quitting?
That's just what I wanna do.
Start over, with two kids to take care of.
No. At this age,
where you are, you are.
- Hey, look who's awake.
- Look, I have got 14 minutes...
...so can we give him the present?
What'd you get me?
Two weeks. The three of us.
New Mexico. Driving cattle.
- What? Like in a truck?
- No, no! Cowboys.
- It's a real old-fashioned cattle drive.
- We drive the herd to Colorado.
- You can do this?
- We ride, we sleep out under the stars.
- Show him the brochure.
- It's fantastic, Mitch.
It's the newest thing.
People do this!
Look at this.
- Real horses!
- Does look good.
"Good"? It's great. Cowboys -
it's what you always wanted to be.
- Remember Mitchy the Kid?
- Right! Mitchy the Kid!
And it's right when your vacation
comes. We've been planning it for weeks.
I can't do it.
- Why? - We're going Florida
to visit Barbara's parents.
- What, are you sick?
- No, it's planned already. I promised.
I worked every weekend for a year
to get this. What's with you these days?
You know, nothing.
It's just, I...
I don't wanna disappoint Barbara.
Who is that? I know nine people
and they're all here. Excuse me.
- Um, is Mr Phil Berquist here?
Can I get you something to...
Your housekeeper told me
where you were. I'm in trouble.
What are you doing here?
Who's on register nine?
- I don't know what to do.
- This isn't the time to talk about this.
- I'm late.
- I missed my period.
- I was at work and on my break...
...and I took a home
pregnancy test from aisle 11.
- The ones on special?
- Yes! And it came out blue.
Why is she telling you this... Phil?
Because I'm... I'm her boss...
...and we have a health plan.
Son of a b*tch! You screwed
this little girl in my father's store?
- No, no, no!
- It was in his car!
And I'm not a little girl.
Get out of this house, you little wh*re.
Hey! I will not permit you
to talk to her that way.
- I'll tell my father what you did.
- No! Do not call Mr Levine.
- Hey! Put down that phone. Put it down.
- No! No!
- That's my phone!
- You're crazy!
Not having sex for 12 years
will do that to a person!
Come on, just stop it.
Come on, not in front of your friends.
I'm not afraid of you!
- I'll call from the bedroom! - The
bedroom? How would you know where that is?
- I'm calling!
- Go ahead. I'm sure he's home.
It's his night to meet with
the other escaped Nazis.
- I hate you!
- I hate you more.
If hate were people, I'd be China.
Let's bring out the cake.
Is that what you've been trying
to tell me? That you feel like Phil?
- Like Phil?
- Am I gonna be sittin' here some night...
...and some checkout girl
comes here looking for you?
No, no, of course not.
I know you're not happy here.
You're not happy at work.
I know how men think.
"I'm not happy here. I'm not
happy there. I'll be happy... here."
You make me happy... here.
- No, I make you feel trapped.
- No, you don't. It's not you.
How do you think that makes me
feel when I hear you say that?
I didn't mean you.
I... I just feel lost.
Kim was telling me
about this cattle drive thing.
- Maybe you should go.
- What about Florida?
You'll be miserable in Florida.
You'll make me miserable.
- You hate my parents.
- I don't hate them.
Come on, you have known my father
since you were 18 years old...
...and you've never
called him by his name.
What is his name?
It's a joke.
I was just joking.
Look, I said I'm gonna go
and I'm gonna go.
You don't understand what I'm saying.
I'm not saying it's all right
if you don't wanna come with us.
I'm saying I don't want you to come.
Go away with Ed.
I am giving you these two weeks.
It's my present.
Go and find your smile.
What if I can't?
We'll jump off that bridge
when we come to it.
My a** hurts just watching this.
Are you kidding?
This is fantastic!
- I wonder if I could do that to Arlene?
- Forget about it already.
I could do it.
You've seen her ears.
- They must be the guests.
- I wish you hadn't worn this jacket.
- Why not? - It's got your
name and your picture on it.
- It's a little grotesque.
- I'm proud of what I do.
So's the president.
He doesn't wear his picture.
- Hi. You guys guests here?
- Yeah. We just got in. I'm Mitch Robbins.
- Ed Furillo. I sell sporting goods.
- Show him your jacket.
I'm Phil Berquist.
I committed adultery.
Lost my job and my family.
- His jacket's being made.
- Oh, yeah.
I'm Ben Jessup and this
is my son, Steve Jessup.
- Where you from?
- We have a dental practice there.
- You're both dentists?
Yes. We're black and we're dentists.
Let's not make an issue out of it.
They're not making an issue.
You're making an issue.
- Isn't this great?
- We're Ira and Barry Shalowitz.
- Ira and Barry, that's like the ice cream.
- No, that's us.
- We make Ira and Barry's ice cream.
- Really? I love that ice cream.
But on the commercials, it's
a different Ira and Barry. It's two...
- Good-looking guys.
If it was us, could you eat?
Who is that?
I'm Bonnie Rayburn.
Actually, I was supposed
to meet somebody here...
...but I got the message at the airport
that she's not coming and...
...I feel really out of place.
I'm thinking of leaving.
No, no, stay.
When I was alive,
I would have found her attractive.
I'm Clay Stone
and this is my wife, Millie.
- How do.
Welcome to the Stone ranch. Believe it
or not, that work you saw a while ago...
...y'all are gonna be doin' that
next two weeks.
- That's a good "yahoo", son.
- Thank you.
This ranch has been in my family
for five generations.
We've always tried to live here
by the code of the Old West.
If you thought this was a dude ranch,
I hate to disappoint you.
This is not pretend.
This is a real working ranch.
We've gotta move these animals
from here to our ranch in Colorado.
This is gonna be great.
You may feel like bunch of pigs
on roller skates for a while...
...but we're gonna be watching you.
We're gonna see how you sit a horse.
And in a few days, you'll be rounding up
a herd and goin' after strays.
And you're gonna be in some country
that's just as pretty as heaven.
Here's some folks you'll be
working with. This is TR and Jeff.
They're professional cowboys. Our trail
boss will be in in a couple of days.
This is the best Western chef going.
Tell'em what they're gonna eat.
You ain't gonna be gettin'
no nouveau almondine thin crust...
...bottled water, sauteed city food.
Food's brown, hot-and plenty of it.
It's not that bad! Now, we're gonna go
to work in the morning. And I mean work.
You came out here city slickers.
You're gonna go home cowboys.
- What do you think?
- You look like one of the Village People.
I'll take that shirt too.
Excuse me. Here, boy.
Hey! You did it again!
Boy, you're gettin' great.
There's nothin' too hard.
You'll do it this time.
Wrist, wrist, wrist, go.
- Will you stop kidding around?
- I'm not kidding around.
I'm not good with ropes. I can't even
take the string off a bakery box.
- This time, run!
- Everyone can do it but you. It's
embrrassing. - It's not a competition, Ed.
Everything's a competition.
Life's a competition.
Come on, try it again.
- How's it goin'?
- OK. Where have you been?
Oh, I was watching 'em castrate a horse.
Well, I'm hungry.
How about you, hm?
- Can I help you with that?
- No, thanks. I think I'm getting it.
Are you gettin' it?
- See what's going on?
- I'll take the big one.
Wait, wait a second.
We are guests here.
- Are you gonna wrestle the cowboys?
- I'm not gonna do nothing.
Wait, wait. Hey.
Let me handle this, OK?
You know how you get.
It'll be High Noon.
Let me help you out.
Look, just leave me alone.
I can't, you see.
I'm in love.
How are you?
I was just ropin' over there.
Thought I'd mosey on over.
You know, I've never moseyed before.
Hope I did it correctly.
I've walked, I've ambled.
I even sashayed once.
But that was in front of the draft board.
- Bonnie, wanna rope with us?
- It's all right.
- I think that Bonnie's talking with us.
- She's fine right here.
Guys, what are you doing? This isn't
exactly '90s behaviour, I gotta be honest.
- You stepped on my foot.
- He did not, you horse's a**.
- You want a piece o' this?
- Any time, Zeke.
- How about right now, Stubby?
- This man owes you an apology.
- I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything.
- Not you. Him.
- Him. Of course.
God, I'm sorry, ma'am.
That'll never happen again.
Yes, see that it doesn't.
I'm sorry, I thought
we were on the same...
You're doing fine.
You guys were drinking.
Don't let it happen again.
Did you see that guy?
That is the toughest man
I've ever seen in my life.
Did you see how leathery he was?
He was like a saddlebag with eyes.
Listen, it took a lot of courage
to do what you did. Thank you.
You're wrong, Ed. I'm tellin' you.
It was not a stupid thing to say.
It was. She says "Thanks"
and you say "I'm married"?
I don't want any false flirtings.
What if you're like me?
What if you don't encourage them
and they still chase you?
It doesn't happen. Women need a reason
to have sex. Men just need a place.
- Good night. I'm going to bed.
- Good night. Sleep tight.
- That was flirting.
- No. That was politeness.
That was "Have a pleasant
and restly evening."
No. That was "I like your a**.
Could I wear it as a hat?"
Say, uh... Phil was telling us you
had a little trouble with Jeff and TR.
- They were giving Bonnie a hard time.
- But he took care of it.
What made it worse was,
the trail boss comes over...
His name is Curly?
You know what the cook said about him?
He killed a man in a knife fight.
He said he slit him from neck to nuts.
I'm not happy about this.
This guy's a cowboy.
One of the last real men.
We're trained ponies. It'll do us
good to be in his world a while.
- "Do us good"? He was hanging the help.
- He was helping us.
This guy is not normal. Did you see
his eyes? He's got crazy eyes.
He's a lunatic. I'm telling you, we're going
into the wilderness being led by a lunatic.
He's behind me, isn't he?
- Time to turn in.
- Good night.
I didn't mean anything by that.
I crap bigger than you.
He's gonna kill me.
Excuse me. Whoa.
- Great! You are riding so much better.
I just talked to, uh... Nancy.
- Who's Nancy?
- She's the, uh... the girl.
Oh, the, uh... the girl.
- She's not pregnant.
- Well, that's good, isn't it?
- For her.
So what does it mean?
You know what I think?
Out there are all the answers.
...are cows, and plenty of 'em.
We're gonna go 200 miles
with a big, moving stink.
You guys are probably too young to
remember this, but when I was a kid...
...I remember seeing
a movie called Red River.
- Oh, I've seen it on TV.
- But not in the movie theatre.
The big screen, with John Wayne
and Montgomery Clift.
Remember the scene,
the start of the cattle drive?
- No, no, son. That's why we're here.
- The "yee-ha" scene?
- The "yee-ha" scene.
Before they took the cattle out, those
cowboys waved their hats in the air...
...and yelled "Yee-ha!"
- What do you say to that?
- All right! Move 'em out.
- Feel like a schmuck?
- Oh, yeah. A big schmuck.
We'll see you in Colorado.
* Fairy tales can come true
* It can happen to you
* If you're young at heart
* For it's hard, you will find
* To be narrow of mind
* If you're young at heart
* And if you should survive
* To 105
* Look at all you'll derive
* Just by being alive
* Now here is the best part
* You have a head start
* If you are amongst the very young
* At heart
Look, a stray.
You take him, Mitch.
- No, it's the first one. You get him, Ed.
- No, let Phil have him.
- No, you get this one.
- Are you sure? There's gonna be plenty.
You get this one. I'll get the next one.
Then Ed, then you...
Like a round robin?
That's good, yeah.
- So who gets this one?
- Come on. Go!
- Out of shoot No. 9!
Hey, go Mitchy!
Don't go back there. No!
Think I can't see you behind there?
Come on, now.
Here we go.
Come on now.
Here we go. Come on.
It's like chasing a mime.
- All right!
- All right, Mitchy!
I did it!
I'd like to thank
everybody for helping me get my stray in.
All right, all right.
Come on back.
All right, now, easy on the clutch.
Cut the wheel! Cut it, cut it.
That's it. Straight back and park
and lock it. You got the keys, sir?
Whoo! I wish the kids coulda seen that.
Dump it into the personal,
then make out the cheque.
- He should know. He's our accountant.
- You're our accountant.
- Don't... Just get a Mets score.
- Arnold, I'm losing you.
We're going behind a butte.
Arnold, what's the Mets score?
The Mets... I lost him.
Boy, that saddle's having all the fun.
You have, like, a half-track mind.
- You wouldn't screw her brains out?
- Lovely image.
It ranks up there with my other favourite
of yours: "Bang the s**t out of her."
I'm sorry if I offended
your delicate sensibilities.
- You were staring at her pretty good.
- That's different.
Look. I go to an art gallery,
right? And I see a Picasso.
- Oh, she's a Picasso now?
- No, she's not a Picasso.
If she was, she'd have three tits.
What I'm saying is if
I see a nice painting,
I look at it, but I don't
pull it off the wall.
Let me ask you this.
What if you could have great sex
with someone attractive...
...and Barbara would never find out?
It's a big trap. I mean,
look what happened to Phil.
The girl came to his house,
then she came to my house.
- Let's say a spaceship lands.
- Good, reality. Are you listening to this?
A spaceship lands and the most beautiful
woman you ever saw gets out.
All she wants to do is have
the greatest sex in the universe with you.
- Could happen.
- When it's over, she flies away for ever.
No one will ever know.
You're telling me you wouldn't do it?
No. It just what you describing
actually happened to my cousin
Ronald. And his wife did find out
about it at the beauty parlour.
- They know everything there.
- Forget about it.
I'm saying it wouldn't make
it all right if Barbara didn't know.
I'd know, and I wouldn't
like myself. That's all.
- Pay attention, girls. We got strays.
- Hi, Curly. Kill anyone today?
Day ain't over yet.
I wonder what Barbara's doing.
You're really with just
one woman for 15 years? Just one?
Yes, Ed. I'm married. I caught my limit.
Why are you after me about this?
Let's say... all your life, for breakfast,
you eat from the Kellogg's variety pack.
- And a spaceship lands.
- No. Then you don't get the variety pack.
You pick one, your favourite one,
and you just get that one from then on.
Every day for the rest of your life,
the same cereal.
Then you wake up one morning...
and you're just not hungry any more.
You can't get an erection.
Hey, pal. I can get an erection
any time I want. Watch.
Ed, please don't. Leave the stallion in the
corral. You'll knock me into the fire, OK?
See, here's the thing.
- Kim wants to have kids.
- And you don't?
I say it's because
we wouldn't have as much fun.
But that's not the reason.
Having a kid, that's heavy.
That's a real commitment.
That's saying I'm never gonna be with
another woman for the rest of my life.
Wait a minute, let me get this straight.
I have no life.
We're all agreed on that, right?
Your big problem
is that you're married...
...to this gorgeous
24-year-old underwear model...
...who thinks the sun rises and sets in
your pants, and that's not enough for you?
- You don't understand.
- No, I don't understand.
- I don't wanna screw around on Kim.
- So don't.
From the king of restraint.
- What does that mean?
- It means that's pretty smug advice...
...from a man who mounted an 18-year-old
checkout girl on the day-old bread rack.
- She's 20, and shut up.
- Let me get you hot, Phil.
- "I need a price, register nine."
- Cut it out.
What'd you use for protection?
Paper or plastic?
- Come on!
- We're on vacation!
- You're spookin' the cattle.
- We were just fooling around.
See you tomorrow.
- You done with that?
- Yeah, help yourself.
See, Mom, we're keeping clean.
It's cold... but I'm a real pioneer man.
- Good morning.
Come on, guys.
You're sorry, you're sorry.
Let's make up, huh?
- My fault.
- No, it's all right.
Gotta celebrate. I got a special treat.
I'm gonna make fresh coffee.
Battery-operated. Instantly grinds
its own beans. Only 19.95.
- Come on, why live like animals?
- That's great.
First cup's for my good friend Phil.
When we were kids, he used to
let me watch his sister undress.
I never forgot it, Phil...
cos I still do it. OK.
Something's spookin' the cattle.
The cows are going away.
- Wow, look at 'em go.
- That is amazing.
- We gotta get 'em.
- Beautiful. Get that in the frame.
- I got it.
I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna die. Oh, God.
They're comin' at us!
- Come on!
- Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Bonnie, there's a stampede...
...in your tent.
I'm sorry. I mean, I was just tryin'
to make a cup of coffee. That's all.
It was... it was French roast.
There's still a few head missin'.
Must have gone into that canyon.
- TR and I'll get 'em.
- No, I'll get 'em...
- You're comin' with me.
- Just the two of us?
You move the herd.
I'll catch up.
- You mean, we'll catch up.
- Let's go.
Curly, did I ever show you pictures of
my wife and kids? I'm their sole support.
- Is he gonna be all right?
Curly's just trying to scare him.
You know Mitch. He's a wise a**.
If anything happens to him...
...I'm going after Barbara.
Throw a rope on this 'un so we
can go after the others. Rope him.
I'm not good at it.
I have a roping disability.
Be right with you.
See, I'm good at this part.
You know what just occurred to me?
Roping is stupid.
This is a cow, not a gazelle.
Watch. Get off the horse, huh?
Then you walk up to the cow.
Look how good this is working.
Then you say "Hi, Bob Vila for This
Old Herd. We're gonna rope you today."
Then you take Mr Loop
and put it around the head of Mr Cow.
What's wrong with that?
- I'm on vacation!
- Is that it?
- That's it.
- What are we doing?
- Making camp.
Too late to catch up with the herd
before dark. We'll catch up tomorrow.
You mean we're gonna
sleep out here? Just...
Getting ready to shave?
You make a lot of... smart remarks
at my expense, don't you?
I do with everybody.
It's just my way.
I don't understand that way.
Put that away.
I said... put that away.
You know, the first time I tried
to talk to you, you embarrassed me.
So I teased you a little bit, which maybe
I shouldn't have done. So I'm sorry.
Now you're playing with your knife,
trying to frighten me...
...which you're doing a good job...
But if you're gonna kill me...
get on with it.
If not, shut the hell up.
I'm on vacation.
* See them tumbling down
* Pledging their love to the ground
* Lonely but free I'll be found
* Driftin' along
with the tumblin' tumbleweeds
* Cares of the past are behind
* Nowhere to go but I'll find
* Just where the trail will wind
* Drifting along
with the tumblin' tumbleweeds
Do you know any show tunes?
The second it's over,
she'll get back into her spaceship...
...and fly away for eternity.
- Would you do it?
- Is she a redhead?
I like redheads.
- You ever been married?
You ever been in love?
I was drivin' a herd across the Panhandle.
Passed near this little dirt farm
round about sundown.
Out in the field was this young woman...
...working down in the dirt.
Just about then,
she stood up to stretch her back.
She was wearing a little cotton dress,
and the settin' sun was right behind her...
...showing the shape
that God had given her.
I just turned around and rode away.
I figured it wasn't gonna get
any better than that.
Yeah, but you could've been,
you know... with her.
I been with lots of women.
Yeah, but, you know, she could've
been the love of your life.
That's... not great.
No, that's wrong. You passed up
something that might have been terrific.
- My choice.
- I never could have done that.
That's your choice.
A cowboy leads a different kind of life.
When there were cowboys.
We're a dyin' breed.
Still means somethin' to me, though.
In a couple of days,
we'll move this herd across the river...
...drive 'em through the valley.
There's nothin' like bringin' in a herd.
See, now that's great.
Your life makes sense to you.
- What's so funny?
- You city folk worry about a lot of s**t.
s**t? My wife basically told me
she doesn't want me around.
Is she a redhead?
- I'm just saying...
- How old are you?
Y'all come up here about
the same age. Same problems.
Spend about 50 weeks a year
gettin' knots in your rope.
Then you think two weeks
up here'll untie 'em for you.
None of you get it.
- Do you know what the secret of life is?
- No. What?
- Your finger?
Just one thing.
You stick to that and
everything else don't mean s**t.
but... what's the one thing?
That's what you gotta figure out.
Oh, damn it.
- What's goin' on?
- This cow's having a baby.
I noticed it when we found her.
I was hopin' she'd make it
through the drive, but... she's ready.
Does she do it herself?
Or do you help her?
I'll hold her down.
You deliver the calf.
Excuse me? Hello?
Why don't I hold her down?
You don't know how. She'll kick you
and kill you, and her and the calf.
- That's too much for me to carry back.
- I see your point.
- She's burstin'!
There's gonna be bursting?
Just reach in and pull out the calf.
- You know, this was not in the brochure.
- She needs help, goddamn it!
What's taking so long?
Do you see the head?
- I only see a tail.
- Oh, s**t.
It's turned the wrong way.
Get it out.
- My watch came off.
- It was a gift!
- Do it!
- Oh, Jesus.
- Look what I did! I made a cow.
This is unbelievable.
This is amazing.
He looks like you.
Look at him.
Yeah. Get up.
Look at this.
He's walking already.
He's a genius. He gets that
from my side of the family.
We all walk very early.
I'm gonna name him Norman.
You know, cos years ago...
- Why did you do that?
- She was dying.
And she was suffering.
We saved the calf.
Good job, cowboy.
There you go, Norman.
You are only down a quart.
That's really wonderful.
You got him to drink from the bottle.
Yeah, thank God,
cos my nipples were killing me.
What do you think? What would be
the perfect flavour with this meal?
- Cherry vanilla?
If it was Chinese food, right on
the money, but this... toasted almonds.
What's goin' on?
Barry can pick out the right flavour
of ice cream to follow any meal.
- "Challenge him"?
- Come on.
Franks and beans.
Scoop of chocolate, scoop of vanilla.
Don't waste my time.
- Sea bass.
- I'm with ya.
Potatoes au gratin.
How do you know he's right?
How do we know? 1400 retail outlets
across the country. That's how we know.
Will you stop
with Roberto Clemente?
Henry Aaron was the greatest
right fielder of our generation.
- Could he run like Clemente?
- I'm gonna say one thing to you.
755 home runs.
Clemente was killed in a plane crash.
- You're gonna blame that on Aaron?
- No. I'm just saying.
- Oh, baseball.
- You got something against baseball?
I used to live with a guy who was like a
baseball encyclopaedia. I just got flashes.
- You broke up with him cos of baseball?
- Uh, no.
We had different needs. I needed him
to treat me decently and get a job.
He needed to empty
my bank account and leave.
- So do you hate baseball?
- No, I like baseball.
I just never understood how you guys
can spend so much time discussing it.
I've been to games,
but I don't memorise...
...who played third base
for Pittsburgh in 1960.
- Beat you.
- See, that's exactly what I mean.
So what do you and your friends
talk about out there?
Well... real life.
Are they working, are they not?
Who's she seeing.
Is that working?
- No contest. We win.
Honey, if that were
as interesting as baseball...
...they'd have cards for it
and sell it with gum.
Ed, I see by the sun
it's time for you to hibernate again.
You're right, I suppose.
I guess it is childish...
...but when I was about 18...
...and my dad and I couldn't
communicate about anything at all...
...we could still talk about baseball.
Now that was real.
You know what the secret of life is?
Just one thing.
- And what's that?
- I have no idea.
But ask Curly cos he seems to know.
- Curly knows the secret of life?
I'm gonna invite him over.
He's a very interesting guy.
I'm sure he is.
Curl, you got a minute?
He is a real cowboy. He sleeps with his
eyes open so he can still watch the herd.
Is this all right? Do you need, like, a
licence or something to bury somebody?
Nah. This is where
Curly'd wanna be buried.
He said he was a dying breed.
I didn't know he meant on this trip.
The man ate bacon at every meal.
I mean, you can't do that.
Well, I guess that's it.
Wait a minute. Shouldn't somebody
say something? Like a eulogy.
- Cookie, you knew him best.
Lord, we give you Curly.
Try not to piss him off.
What else is there?
I got chicken burning.
You're a warm man, Cookie.
Wait a second. I'll...
What can I say about Curly?
I didn't know you well,
but I'll never forget you.
You lived life on your terms -
simple, honest and brave.
I'm glad for this short time
that we spent together.
Do you think this is all right?
All right, listen up. Ben, I want you
to take the left flank with TR and Bonnie.
I want you three boys to ride point.
I'm gonna push with Steve, Barry and Ira.
Yeah, they're pros.
It'll be OK.
So long, cowboy.
- You know, it makes you stop and think.
- Stop the clock.
- That's 25 minutes. I win.
- Win what?
I had under a half an hour
before you started to talk about death.
Why would you think
I would talk about death?
We just came from a funeral.
And it's your favourite subject.
It is not. I think
when you see a life end...
...it's a natural time to think
about your own mortality.
No, it isn't.
Why do that to yourself?
When somebody dies,
I don't change places with him.
I appreciate the fact that I'm not dead.
Look at this. It's a beautiful day.
I'm here with my best friends.
We're driving a herd of cattle
across the plains.
Pretty goddamn great.
It's one of the best days of my life.
All right. What is the
best day of your life?
- You mean ever?
- Yeah. Best day ever in your whole life.
And you can't do when your kids
were born. That's too easy.
I got one.
I'm seven years old and my dad
takes me to Yankee Stadium.
My first game.
We're going in this long,
dark tunnel underneath the stands.
I'm holding his hand and we come up
out of the tunnel into the light.
It was huge. How green
the grass was. Brown the dirt.
And that great green
copper roof. Remember?
We had a black-and-white TV, so this
was the first game I ever saw in colour.
I sat there the whole game
next to my Dad.
He taught me how to keep score.
Mickey hit one out.
- Good day.
- I still have the programme.
All right, what was
the worst day you ever had?
Worst day. A couple of years ago,
Barbara finds a lump.
- It scared the s**t out of me.
- You never said anything.
Yeah, well, it turned out to be
nothing. But that whole day was...
- Yeah, but that was a good day.
- Because it turned out to be nothing.
- Yeah, but the day until then was horrible.
Yeah, but it came out good.
You're a real "the glass is half-empty"
kind of a guy, you know that?
I don't know how Barbara can stand it.
All right. I got one.
My best day.
The one about Arlene
and that loose step?
No, my wedding day.
- Yeah. Remember that day?
Outdoor wedding. Arlene looked great.
Those water pills really worked.
You guys are all smiling at me.
And my dad, in the front...
...gives me a little wink... you know?
I mean, he's not the warmest
of men... but he winked.
I was the first to get married
and have a real job.
I remember thinking "I'm grown-up."
You know? "I'm not a goofball
any more. I made it."
I felt like a man.
It's the best day of my life.
- What was your worst day?
- Every day since is a tie.
All right, Ed. Your best day.
What is it, twins in a trapeze?
- No, I don't wanna play.
- We did it.
I don't feel like it.
I'm 14 and my mother and
father are fighting again.
You know, because she caught
him again. Caught him!
This time, the girl drove
by the house to pick him up.
I finally realised he wasn't just cheating
on my mother. He was cheating on us.
So I told him. I said "You're bad
to us. We don't love you."
"I'll take care of my mother and my sister.
We don't need you any more."
He made like he was gonna
hit me, but I didn't budge.
Then he turned around and he left.
Never bothered us again.
But I took care of my mother
and my sister from that day on.
That's my best day.
What was your worst day?
He gets the sign from Berra...
He gets the sign from Berra.
* Rollin', rollin', rollin"
* Keep them dogies rollin"
* Man, my a** is swollen
* Get 'em up, move 'em out,
wake 'em up, get 'em dressed
* Get 'em shaved,
comb their hair, rawhide
* Tie me down, tell me lies,
pull my hair, smack my thighs
* With a big wet strap of rawhide
What is he doing?
- He's drunk, the old s**thead.
- Where'd he get the liquor?
- How do I know that?
- Goddamn, we better get him outta there.
Is that a happy face?
- He's throwing our food.
- Well, we'll...
We'll order out?!
- He's headed for the ravine.
- I'm sure he sees it.
What can you say about
Skyrocket and Buttercup?
- Let's just get out of here.
- Let's recap on what we've buried so far.
- Trail boss, two horses...
- I can't believe we buried horses.
The impact drove 'em into the ground.
We just covered 'em up with some dirt.
- How do we move the food and the tents?
- Tents roll up.
We can pack enough food in
our saddlebags to get us there.
Let's do it.
The problem is Cookie.
Let's not forget his legs are broken.
Oh, God, they're gonna shoot him.
We put Cookie on this litter
so we can get him out of here.
Me and TR are gonna stay
with you all and the herd.
We're gonna be hittin'
some pretty rough mountain country.
There's a town, it's about half a day's
ride outta here. I can draw a map.
Somebody's gotta take
- I guess Steve and I should go.
He's injured and
we have medical training.
Are we gonna give him a cleaning?
We have a better chance
of helping than anyone, son.
- But you're having fun.
- Ride with me.
It will still be fun.
- That's really great of you, Ben, Steve.
- Thanks a lot.
- Thanks, Ben.
- Good luck.
- Thank you, Dr Jessup.
- We would have gone, but...
I'll make up that map.
Hey, look. I found where
Cookie was hiding his whisky.
- You old coot.
- Hey, Jeff.
- Shouldn't we do something? - Let
'em have fun, then they'll sleep it off.
I knew we couldn't trust these guys.
I said "Tennis camp."
You said "Let's drive cattle."
Wait a minute.
I got an idea.
- Look at this.
- What are they doing with Norman?
Mitchy, come on out and play.
- Don't go out there.
- What do you think, I'm nuts?
Mitch, do you like calf brains?
- This is over a cow.
- Here's your last chance.
- They won't hurt me. There's witnesses.
- Please be careful.
They're just gonna
embarrass me, so I'll let 'em.
Norman, have you been
bothering the cowboys again?
You raise them, you try
to teach them right from wrong...
...but they learn these things from
their friends. It's the school systems.
You're grounded, mister.
These cows today, huh?
You pansy-assed bastard.
- Are you talking to me or Norman?
- You s**t-nosed little faggot.
Listen, guys. We have a group of people
here who came out for a good time...
...and to say the least,
it's been a little bit strange.
But we're counting on you
to get us through this.
So I'm asking you, please, why don't
you just go and sleep it off, huh?
Sleep this off.
Put the gun down!
Put down the goddamn gun!
- I'm not gonna let him bully us any more.
- My father-in-law's a bully
I hate bullies!
Cos a bully doesn't just beat you up.
- He takes away your dignity.
I hate that.
I really... hate that.
All right, you two
a**holes, go sleep it off.
And let's have some peace and quiet
around here for Christ's sakes!
I've been under a lot of stress.
I lost my wife.
I lost my job.
And I've got some sort of rash...
from making in the bushes.
- Are you OK?
That was amazing.
- You know, uh...
Why don't you put the gun down, Phil?
Oh, you don't have to worry.
I know how to handle a gun.
I used to keep one at the store.
You lock up late at night,
there's a lot of cash around.
You gotta make sure that
the register totals match the cash...
...and cheques and the coupons.
You got the order forms
to fill out for the next day.
You gotta check the stock.
I mean, there's a lot to do there.
It's a very responsible job.
Come on, Philly.
Come on, man.
It's not that bad.
I'm at a dead end. I'm almost
40 years old. I've wasted my life.
Yeah, but now you got
a chance to start over. You know?
Phil, remember when we were kids?
And we'd be playing ball and
the ball would get stuck up in a tree?
- And we'd yell "Do over!" Huh?
Your life is a "do over".
You got a clean slate.
I got no place to live.
I'm gonna get wiped out in the divorce
cos I committed adultery.
So I may never even see my kids again.
How's that slate look now?
Well, the fun continues.
- They're gone.
Jeff and TR.
They jumped on their horses and took off.
They probably thought
we'd get 'em in trouble.
Does anybody know
how to get where we're going?
- So we're talking death?
- Won't Ben and Steve send some help?
Maybe they won't. When they left,
we were still pretty much OK.
- Still, they might.
We're hanging our lives on "might"?
Let's not get hysterical, OK?
Now, for four days,
we've been going in this direction.
- I think we keep going in that direction.
- Isn't that a little vague?
Curly said there was a river and a valley.
We'll just have to do the best we can.
So you're saying we can drive this herd?
Are you delirious?
We leave the herd.
We'll go ten times as fast without them.
But there's no pasture land up here.
There's no water.
I don't think they can survive up here.
Not to sound cold-hearted,
They give us a trail boss with
a coronary and a bunch of drunks...
...and we're supposed
to worry about the cattle?
- You're a nicer person than I am.
- No, you're right.
The rest of you go ahead.
I'll drive the herd.
- What are you talking about?
- I think I can bring in the herd.
No, you can't.
What are you, crazy?
You couldn't even manage your stores.
You had to bring in your cousin.
Mitch, you were right about
all the weekend warrior s**t.
The war games, the parachuting.
That was all bulls**t.
But this is really happening.
No rules, no games.
Just "Can I do it?"
It is a game. It's your regular
game, Ed. Don't you see it?
"Am I better than my father"?
Well, you are, OK?
- Look, I need to do this.
- It's impossible.
I'll do it with you.
Phil. Phil, you have, like,
a day's worth of food and water left.
- We'll be all right.
- Maybe you won't.
Why don't you accept that you
don't know what we're going through?
I know exactly what you're going through.
You think bringing in
this herd is gonna make
all the broken pieces of
your life come together?
Hey, you don't wanna do it,
don't do it. We wanna do it.
- I'm not doing it.
- Don't do it. I'm not asking you to do it.
You have been talking me into doing stuff
like this all my life,
and I am not doing it!
What, are you deaf?
I'm not asking you to do it.
Come on, Phil.
We'll ride out together tomorrow
morning... without the herd.
They can do whatever they want.
We've got cattle to move.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
What are you doing?
I'm not listening to you.
Goddamn cattle drive.
- Just do your job.
- I'm not listening to you any more.
- Listen to the cows.
- Come on, you damn little dogies.
Hey, stop that!
Cut that out!
What are you doing?
They're not cooperating. It's
just like bringin' up my kids.
- You take those. I'll take these.
- Hey, come back here.
Get back here!
Ah, the hell with you.
Who needs you, anyway?
What the he...?
How did I do that?
Mitchy the Kid!
Curly said there's nothing
like bringing in a herd.
Nice hat, partner.
Hey, there's my little man.
Sorry I was late, but there was
so much traffic. Let's go. Ha!
Don't be ashamed.
I had the same problem.
Didn't you feel stupid?
Didn't you feel... inadequate?
Yeah, for a while.
But then I overcame it.
Can I explain it you again?
Promise me you won't get upset.
It's not gonna do any good.
OK. If you wanna watch one show, but
record another show at the same time...
...the TV does not have
to be on channel three.
- It does.
- It doesn't.
If you're watching what you're
recording, it has to be on three.
- The TV or the machine?
- The TV.
I can record something
I'm not watching?
Yes, that's the point.
You don't even need a TV to record.
- How would I see it?
- To see it, you need a TV.
Shut up. Just shut up.
He doesn't get it!
He'll never get it. It's been four hours.
The cows can tape something by now.
Forget about it, please!
- How do you do the clock?
- You're dead. You are dead!
Let's go. Come on, Norman.
Norman, stay with the class.
Come on, boy.
- What do we do now?
- Like I should know?
- Come on, let's keep the herd together.
- Yeah, let's go.
Let's go, Norman. Norman,
what are you? Gene Kelly? Let's go.
Whoa! Easy, boy.
Go, go, go!
We're doing great, guys.
We're driving 'em.
That's perfect. We're lost,
but we're making good time.
This is the way, guys.
I can feel it.
- Is there a way around?
- That could be a hundred miles.
- It could take days.
- Is this supposed to be here?
There's probably an easy place
to cross but we missed it.
- This could be the easy place!
- Oh, God.
We did the best we could. Let's just leave
the herd and get the hell outta here, huh?
A cowboy doesn't leave his herd.
You are a sporting-goods salesman!
I started this...
and I'm gonna finish it.
I'm gonna finish it.
It's fast, but it's not deep.
Come on, bring 'em down.
Come on, move!
Move it, now.
Come on, boys! Come on, now.
Move it! Moo cow!
Hey, Phil. I'm 39 and
I'm saying "moo cow" in a river.
Do you believe this?
- We did it!
Here we go!
Oh, my God.
- Hey, Ed!
- Help! Help me!
Gimme your hand.
Gimme your hand.
You're crazy. You talk about me,
but you're crazy.
- You coulda been killed!
- We almost lost you, pal.
It was like Mays in the '54 World Series.
- Vic Wertz.
- Vic Wertz.
- Let's bring 'em in.
Great gobs of gooseshit!
Way to go, guys.
Oh, Lordy, Lordy.
- Here's your herd.
- I'm as happy as a puppy with two peters.
We had a search party out lookin' for you.
- They didn't find us.
Bunch o' tenderfeet
bringin' in a herd.
Two weeks ago, you boys were as
worthless as henshit on a pump handle.
Look at you now!
I'm givin' your money back!
Now you're talking, Clay.
Instead of the money, you think
my dad and I could come back and...
...take the cattle back to New Mexico?
- Really, son?
Ordinarily, that'd be great,
but this herd's not goin' back.
What do you mean?
I'm gettin' top dollar
from the meat company.
- You mean these cows are...
- I thought you just moved 'em around?
Usually do, but prices are
sky high, and I can't pass it up.
Look, folks, it's not like
any of 'em have a lot to live for.
They don't have much of a life, anyway.
- Phil doesn't, but we wouldn't eat him.
- That's right.
This is our business, son.
This is not an endangered species.
It's what these animals are bred for.
All that meat under cellophane in the
store, where do you think it comes from?
Come on, fellas.
You done real good, cowboys.
Let's get some grub.
These cows trusted us.
They trusted us?
They don't even know us!
They followed us
because we yelled "Yah".
I've gotta stop bein' a schmuck.
You know, you were right, Mitch.
My life is a "do over".
It's time to get started.
I hope I can help.
I'm gonna go home...
...and I'm gonna get Kim pregnant.
- I hope I can help.
- Oh, Mitchy the Kid's in trouble.
- What about you?
- You gonna be OK?
- Yeah. Cos I know what he meant.
- Curly. I know what this is.
- That's what you have to figure out.
- I'm gonna deck you, pal.
- No, that's what it is.
It's different for everybody.
It's whatever's most important to you.
For me, when I was in the river,
I was only thinkin' about one thing.
All that other stuff just went away.
Only one thing really mattered to me.
- Daddy, you're home!
I love you.
I missed these faces.
- We missed you too, Daddy.
- It's no fun without you.
- Next year, the North Pole.
We hire dog sleds and follow
the same route as Admiral Byrd.
Next Tuesday, coffee and cake.
You need a ride?
I got a cab.
- So, how are you?
- Good. Things are good.
Look what I found.
Mm, that's nice.
Where was it?
Colorado. I mean, it's always
the last place you look.
Mitch, I've been thinking.
If you really hate your job,
why don't you get out of there?
- We'll be all right.
- No. I'm not gonna quit my job.
I'm just gonna do it better.
I'm gonna do everything better.
- Oh, I missed you.
- I missed you, too.
Let's go home.
Today... is my best day.
Yeah, right here.
This is great.
- There you go.
- What, did you get a dog?
- We got a dog?!
- All right!
- Come on, little man.
Everyone, this is Norman.
- It's a cow.
He's a calf, actually.
You're gonna put him in the van?
And then the den.
- You're not gonna take him home.
- See, kids, he just said "Hello".
Just for a little while.
Then we'll put him in a petting zoo...
...so he can be with your mother.
I'm just kidding.
- OK, seat belts, Norman. Seat belts.
I hope you went to the bathroom.
We got a long ride.
- Let's go home.