- Are you ready for this?
- I've been waiting 15 years
for someone to reveal the intimate
mysteries of sex to me
now, it's finally happening
here in health class.
I know a lot of you have
certain expectations about
the kind of information that
will be covered in this class.
Well, let me assure you
you're going to learn everything
you've always wanted to know about...
the biological and psychological
processes involved in human reproduction.
- Schwing!
- During sex...
There's no way I'm going
to sit through this.
...millions of speam and a woman
contributes a single egg.
Who contributes the body oil
and the Catwoman costume?
Gary, I realize this material
makes you nervous and disruptive
because you know so little about.
Maybe if you behaved yourself
and paid attention
you might learn something useful.
Mrs. Burnbaum, with all due
respect we know this class is a joke.
It's just a bunch of boring facts.
It's got nothing to do
with the wild thing.
I don't want to know about sperm
counts and fallopian tubes.
Teach me what it's like
to make love to a woman.
Can you do that, Miss Burnbaum?
You know, Gary, sometimes an
episode like this can be a warning sign.
Any problems at home?
Class schedule too strenuous?
Ever hear any voices
or see colored lights?
Principal Scampi, I was trying
to get some real answers
- not the ones Miss Burnbaum was giving.
- And I understand.
These are confusing times
for a teenager especially when it
seems like there's no place to turn
for a Frank discussion about... it.
What?
- It.
- Sex?
Call it what you will.
If we can't talk about it,
how can we teach it?
Know, perhaps there are
some questions that you'd feel
more comfortable asking me
mano y mano.
Don't be shy. Ask me anything.
Okay. I want to know
what sex feels like.
Are you allowed to talk during it?
Do you always finish
at the same time?
Does size really matter?
What's the deal with green M&Ms?
- What's the shelf life of edible panties?
- Go ahead. Anything at all.
You missed the part of class.
Mrs. B. Showed a film about hay
we're getting the runaround.
Why can't sex ed teach the stuff
no one talks about?
- What's the rush?
- I need someone
who can give us the
lowdown on the dirty deed.
I need Lisa.
- Nice timing.
- Please, please be naked.
( Screaming )
Did I overhear you two medicated
pads looking for sex advice?
No, thanks. We're fine.
- You've had sex, Chett?
- Have I...?
Sex? ( Chuckles )
Had? Me? Are you crazy?
I have liberated france more
times than you've popped a zit.
- I know everything.
- Then share the knowledge.
Yeah. We want to know
the truth about sex.
You can't handle the truth?
You don't know the meaning
of the words
"Funky cold medina shoop-a-doop
zoom-a-zoom-zoom in da boom-boom."
Do you? Do you, Mr. Wallace?
You boys are just going to have
to figure it out for yourselves.
( Laughing )
Shoop-a-doop?
- ( Typing )
- What are you doing?
No one's going to tell me
what we want to know.
It's time we got some real answers.
- What can I do for you boys?
- Gary know there's a shocker.
I'm serious. I want to learn
everything there is to know
about making love.
Okay. If you want
a real sexual education
That's what I'll give you
but you'll have to work for it.
I've never been afraid of hard work.
Good, because you have a lot
to learn. See you at school.
( Bell Ringing )
- Lisa better come through on this.
- She's probably got wilt
chamberlain coming in
with home movies.
Good morning.
Today we'll be looking at the
sexual cycle of brine shrimp.
We ask for sex, she gives us shrimp.
Good morning, class.
My name is Miss...
Garywyette. I'll be subbing
for Mrs. Burnbaum this week.
Any questions?
What did you do with Mrs. Burnbaum?
Any more questions?
- WYATT: Lisa, what are you doing?
- Relax. He and Mrs. Burnbaum
are spending a romantic week
together in saint tropez.
- You can't let everyone see your magic.
- Good point.
The next week, nothing you see or hear
in this class will seem out of the ordinary.
You guys want to know
the truth about sex
and we have one week to learn it.
Today and tomorrow, you'll
break up into loving couples.
Thursday, we'll cover all the
erotic basics and friday will be lab day.
- Lab day?
- Hands-on experience.
We'll practice everything you've learned.
- You mean, we'll...?
- You'll have sex.
Mahatma!
Could you repeat that?
Did you say at the end of
the week we're going to do it?
Uh-huh. Any more questions?
Here? We'll do it here?
Yes, but only if you demonstrate...
I'm sorry. I want to be clear.
We're talking about the big "It"--
sex, the deed.
- We're all going to do it this friday?
- Yes, Gary.
Just checking. But not until
you fulfill the class assignments
and demonstrate to me you
understand the subject
in a mature and responsible way.
- We have a lot...
- Yes, I'm going to have sex.
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.
Oh, baby. Oh, baby.
- I like it like that.
- Gary, please maintain.
Now this is sex ed--
Learning how to do it
by actually doing it.
- Lisa is amazing!
- Wait a minute.
I don't want to have sex with some
lab partner in front of everyone.
Relax, you'll do fine.
Okay, the first part of any sexual
experience beings with "Meeting your mate."
Finding a sexual partner.
Now, how do we go about doing that?
- Wyatt?
- Well, um...
I think you should find a
partner who cares about you first.
Someone you respect and
someone who shares your values.
Very good, Wyatt. What do we
call this search to find that someone?
Pointless. I've been in scam mode
for years and I've come up with Jack.
And why is that? Why is it
so hard to find someone?
When it comes to dating,
everybody plays mind games.
- Nobody says how they feel.
- Especially when it comes to sex.
If we can't talk about it how
are we supposed to do it?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Then let's begin by making sex
easy to talk about.
From now on, anyone you
talk to about sex
will say what's on their mind.
No more mind games.
- No more inhibitions.
- Ms. Garywyette...
I got to tell you, you're the
hottest thing I have ever seen.
And, uh... I'd like to
make love with you.
- Someplace far, far away.
- How about Saint Tropez?
As I was saying,
by class tomorrow
you'll be able to pair up
without a problem.
- Think of it as a shortcut to romance.
- ( Bell Rings )
Everyone, go out there
and make it happen.
- Lisa, you're a genius.
- I know.
Is there any way I can
write a paper instead?
No.
Hey, isn't that girl in our class?
Yes, it is.
Time to see what she really
thinks of the magnificence
That is Gary Wallace.
Hi. I'm Gary.
You want to be my sex partner?
No, thanks. I can't think
of a bigger turn-off
than a pale, skinny geek
with poofy blonde hair.
Unless it's a whiny,
nervous dork like him.
The thought of having sex with
either of you makes me want to spew.
Gary. Did our conference
help you at all?
Yeah, you were a big help.
Well, it helped me too.
I never even thought
about edible panties fothe
missus until you mentioned it.
- Mr. Woodrow Rose to the occasion.
- That's just wonderful.
- The groundhog saw his shadow.
- Glad to hear it.
- Just keep walking.
- We finally raised the flag at iwo ima.
I never want to hear the truth again.
I don't care if I never have sex.
You puke-licks still taking about sex?
BOTH: No.
- I had sex once.
- Just once? You said...
Yeah, I exaggerate.
That's because I'm insecure about it.
It was such a miserable experience
for me I've been terrified of it ever since.
Yeah, sure. I talk like a lean,
mean sex machine but it's all a lie.
I just wait someone to hold me
and call me "Sweet Pea."
I really did not want to hear that.
- This class sucks.
- Are we the only two without partners?
- Excuse me, Wyatt?
- Yes?
- Oh, no!
- I want to be your partner.
You do?
I broke up with my boyfriend and
my standards have really dropped.
I'd like to use you to get back
at him and then dump you
- like a bucket of chum.
- Great.
( Bell Ringing )
Morning.
Before we start is there
anyone who hasn't paired up yet?
- Uh, me.
- GIRL: And me.
I still need a paper.
- Thank you.
- Okay, then.
Let's start where Mrs. Burnbaum left off.
Sexual anatomy.
There are different colors,
and sizes, and these.
( Whistling )
What are you doing?
Sorry.
We were just testing
the lab equipment.
If this bed were to fail mild-
experiment someone could get hurt.
You haven't listened
to a word I've said.
And we haven't even
finished birth control or risks.
- I already know this stuff.
- I've heard Dr. Ruth.
I've read the sex columns
in seventeen.
I've seen the special episodes
of saved by the bell.
- I just want to have sex.
- Gary's right.
We just want to find out
what sex feels like.
Are we a perfect couple or what?
Gary, you're still not ready
to have sex. I'll prove it.
Everyone, get out a piece
of paper. Pop quiz.
Nice going, hef.
I'm not ready for this.
It's not my fault
You're sexually challenged.
Question one. What is the best way
to avoid sexually transmitted diseases.
"Abstinence. Or, if you must
have sex the correct
and consistent use of condoms."
Piece of cake.
Next!
I aced it! I told you!
I don't get it.
I was sure he was going to fail.
Gary's always been such
a poor student.
- Lisa, it's sex class.
- But he got every single question
- right. How?
- Maybe he cheated off me.
No, that can't be. You failed.
You're kidding.
How could that happen? What?
It's not like I tried to fail.
( Giggling )
Hey! Stop that.
I believe our perfect scores
prove that Bonnie and I
are ready to move
right to the lab portion.
Here. Don't forget
your safely goggles.
You're rushing into this.
Your brain's not doing the thinking here.
- You're not ready yet.
- Yes, I am.
I've been ready for 15 years.
If you excuse me I have
an experiment to conduct.
Knock it off. You can't have sex.
- You're still not ready.
- I am ready.
I've been ready.
I always will be ready.
What's the big deal? It's not
like we're breaking the law.
- Actually you are breaking the law.
- What?
You don't have a sex license.
You know
like a driver's license, but for sex.
You have to have one
if you're going to have sex.
- Yeah, right.
- Sorry, son.
- It's the law.
- Who's this loser?
Class, this Officer Friendly. He'll
be administering the sex license test.
It will cover how well you apply
what you've learned in class
to real-life situations.
Remember: sex is a privilege,
not a right.
This is the stupidest thing
I've ever heard.
No, it's not. See? I've got one.
This is bogus.
Wow. You to wear
glasses to have sex?
- To have sex?
- Only at night.
- I'm not buying this.
- Let's go back to my place.
- I don't want to break the law.
- She's making this up.
It looks real to me.
It's even got one of
those hologram thingies.
I'm not having any sex
until we're licensed.
You're kidding.
Fine. Bonnie and I will take
your stupid sex license test.
We'll pass, and there will be
nothing to keep
this love train from leaving
the station.
So, Mr. Wallace, Miss Baxter
shall we begin?
( Sniffing )
I had a great time tonight, Bonnie.
Mmm... me too.
How we doing?
You're both scoring well on the
make-out portion of the test
but before we can move on
to the bedroom simulation
you'll have to do one more thing.
We did everything right.
What's left?
You still have to
Paralled Park this car.
I know I've been a little
uptight about this sex thing
but I've been thinking--
what's the big deal?
Sex is a natural, beautiful part of life.
I should just relax and enjoy it.
Anyway I want you to know I'm ready.
Oh, Wyatt, that's so sweet.
I'm dumping you.
- Deke and I are getting back together.
- Huh?
He got his sex license
on his first try.
I'm this close to getting
my learner's permit
then we can have sex
any time we want--
As long as it's during the day,
and I'm accompanied by an adult.
I don't think so.
Read them and weep.
Bonnie got a 96 on the sex test.
I got a 98-- perfect score.
- 100 is perfect.
- Okay, so I backed over a pylon.
Point is we passed.
We get our sex licenses.
All right. You win.
Go ahead, have sex all afternoon.
Skip school, I don't care.
I want you to know
I respect you as a person.
I feel the same way about you.
We've exchanged positive
emotional reinforcements.
Check. Give me your ear.
Yeah. Yeah.
General stimulation to one
or more of my erogenous zones.
- Now what?
- Take off your pants.
I am listening and responding
to your desires.
What's next?
Final confirmation that we have
mutually consented
to engage in a sexual act
as an expression of our love.
- Well, I want to get it on. You?
- Oh, yeah.
I can't believe this
is actually happening.
Me too.
Did you forget anything?
No. Nothing.
Nothing.
You sure you're ready?
I've never been more sure
of anything in my life.
- Come on, let's get it on.
- Oh, Gary, you were so close.
Huh?
Ooh, what the...?!
Hello, Gary. Nice shorts.
What the hell is this?
What did you do with Bonnie?
She wasn't real.
She was a sex simulator.
Simulator? Why?
I was so close, and then...
she... cube!
- What's he doing here?
- I've been watching.
Is that a rubik's cube? I love those.
I don't understand.
Why are you torturing me?
- All I wanted for was to have sex.
- No, Gary.
You wished for a sexual education.
I tried to give you one
but you blew it big time.
What did I blow? I got a 98.
I got my sex license.
Condom. You didn't use a condom.
So... I got a little excited.
I guess I forgot.
Sex ed's a waste if you
don't apply what you learn.
Duh.
Sex is more than just
a bump and a grind.
- It will make sense in a few years.
- A few years?
Come on, Wy. Let's leave
these two love birds alone.
They have a lot to talk about.
I was so close. So close.
- Come on, you said you could do it.
- I'm trying.
It's been a while. Wait. I got it!
Yes!
- Mrs. Burnbaum?
- ( Screaming )
Captioned by Grantman Brown