After I killed them,
I dropped the gun in the Thames,
washed the residue off me hands
in the bathroom of a Burger King,
and walked home to await instructions.
Shortly thereafter,
the instructions came through.
'Get the f**k out of London,
youse dumb f**ks.
'Get to Bruges:'
I didn't even know
where Bruges f**king was.
It's in Belgium.
Bruges is a shithole.
Bruges is not a shithole.
Bruges is a shithole.
Ray, we've only just
got off the f**king train.
Could we reserve judgment on Bruges
until we've seen the f**king place?
I know it's gonna be a shithole.
Shithole.
I think you have a couple of rooms
booked under Cranham and Blakely?
Yes. No, we have one room booked.
One twin room.
Booked for two weeks.
Two weeks!
Do you have another room?
No, I'm afraid we're fully booked.
With Christmas,
everywhere is fully booked.
Okay.
It's very pretty.
I'm not being funny,
we can't stay here.
We've got to stay here until he rings.
Well, what if he doesn't
ring for two weeks?
Then we stay here for two weeks.
For two weeks? In f**king Bruges?
In a room like this?
With you? No way!
Ray, I really don't like to say this.
You really don't like to say what?
Well. You know?
f**king bring that up.
Do you think this is good?
Do I think what's good?
You know, going round in a boat,
looking at stuff.
Yes, I do.
It's called 'sightseeing.'
Oh, look at that.
It's a former hospital.
From the 1100s.
Bruges is the most
well-preserved medieval town
in the whole of Belgium, apparently.
Coming up?
What's up there?
The view.
The view of what?
The view of down here?
I can see that from down here.
Ray, you're about
the worst tourist in the whole world.
Ken, I grew up in Dublin.
I love Dublin.
If I'd grown up on a farm and was
retarded, Bruges might impress me.
But I didn't, so it doesn't.
Trying to get rid of me coins.
3, 3.50, 4,
4.10, 4.20, 4.30,
4.40, 4.50, 4.60,
4.70,
4.80,
4.90.
Will you take 4.90?
Entry is 5 euro.
Come on, man,
it's only 10 cents.
Entry is 5 euro.
Happy in your work?
Very happy.
I like it here.
Been to the top of the tower?
Yeah. Yeah, it's rubbish.
It is? The guidebook says
it's a 'must-see'.
Well, you lot ain't going up there.
Pardon me? Why?
I mean, it's all windy stairs.
I'm not being funny.
What exactly are you trying to say?
What exactly am I trying to say?
Youse are a bunch of f**king elephants!
Right, you.
Come on, leave it, fatty.
You know, you're just
the rudest man. The rudest man!
What's all that about?
They're not going up there.
Hey, guys, I wouldn't go up there.
It's really narrow.
Screw you, motherfucker!
Americans, isn't it?
Now, this is more like it.
Proper holidays.
One gay beer for my gay friend,
and one normal beer for me,
because I am normal.
This is the life.
We're not staying here getting pissed.
We are quietly sightseeing,
like he says,
and awaiting his call
to see what we do next.
This is my vote on what we should do.
We give it another day,
two days, max.
Then we check the papers again,
and if there's still nothing in them,
we phone him and say, 'Harry,
thank you for the trip to Bruges,
'it's been very nice, all the
old buildings and that,
'but we're coming back to London now,
and hide out in a proper country,
'where it isn't all just
f**king chocolates.'
My vote would be
we quietly sightsee, like he says,
and await his call
to see what we do next.
You don't even know
we're here hiding out.
What are you talking about?
You don't even know
we're not here on a job.
What, on a job?
- Yeah.
Here in Bruges?
- Yeah.
Here in Bruges, on a job?
- Yeah.
Why? What did he actually say?
He didn't actually say anything.
Then why do you think it might be?
- I don't think anything.
But it's a bit f**king
over-elaborate, isn't it?
'Go take him to hide out.'
- 'Go take him to hide out where?'
'Go take him to hide out
in f**king Bruges.'
You can hide out in Croydon.
Hmm.
Or Coventry.
Hmm.
It is a bit over-elaborate.
Hmm.
But we haven't got any guns.
Harry can get guns anywhere.
He's not gonna ring tonight.
He's not gonna ring tonight.
Let's go out.
Go out where?
- The pub.
No!
Let's go out and have a look
at some of the...
All the old medieval buildings and that.
Because I bet they look even
better at night, all lit up.
Yes!
That there is called
the Gruuthuse Museum.
They all have funny names,
don't they?
Yes, Flemish.
In here it says, 'The Belgians
twice sheltered fugitive English Kings
'from being murdered, 1471 and 1651.'
I used to hate history,
didn't you?
It's all just a load of stuff
that's already happened.
What are they doing over there?
They're filming something.
They're filming midgets!
Ray!
So, on this scene, you're supposed
to walk like a little, tiny mouse, yeah?
Okay? Great.
Ray, come on, let's go.
My arse, 'Let's go.'
They're filming midgets.
Oh, my God!
Look at that girl.
She's gorgeous!
Ray, we're going right now.
f**k off, are we!
This is the best bit of Bruges
so far. You and your buildings.
Hello.
Do you speak English?
No.
Yes, you do.
Everybody does.
What are you filming midgets for?
It's a Dutch movie.
It's a dream sequence.
It's a pastiche of Nicholas Roeg's
Don't Look Now.
Not a pastiche, but a...
A 'homage' is too strong.
A 'nod of the head'?
Wow, your English is very good.
A lot of midgets tend to kill themselves.
A disproportionate amount.
Herv Villechaize,
off of Fantasy Island.
I think somebody off The Time Bandits.
I suppose they must
get really sad about, like,
being really little and that.
People looking at them
and laughing at them.
Calling them names.
You know, 'shortarse.'
There's another famous
midget I'm missing,
but I can't remember.
It's not the R2-D2 man.
No, he's still going.
I hope your midget doesn't kill himself.
Your dream sequence will be fucked.
He doesn't like being called a midget.
He prefers 'dwarf.'
Well, this is exactly my point!
People go around calling you a midget
when you want to be called a dwarf.
Of course you're
gonna blow your head off!
My name's Ray. What's yours?
- Chloe.
How did you get past the security man?
Getting past security men,
it's sort of my job.
You're a shoplifter?
No, not a shoplifter.
It's a good joke, though.
No.
I'll tell you what I am
at dinner tomorrow night.
f**k.
How f**king cool.
Mr. Blakely?
Yes. No, Mr. Cranham.
- No. Yes. Mr. Blakely. Yes.
You have a message.
s**t!
Number one, why aren't you
in when I f**king told you to be in?
Number two, why doesn't this hotel
have phones with f**king voicemail
and not I have to leave messages
with the f**king receptionist?
Number three, you better f**king be in
tomorrow night when I f**king call again
or there'll be f**king Hell to pay,
I'm f**king telling you, Harry.
Would you turn the f**king light off!
Sorry, Ken.
Keep the f**king noise down!
Someone's in a mood.
You'll never guess what.
Will you shut your f**king mouth,
please, and go to sleep?
Oh, sorry.
Except I've gotta take me
contact lenses out.
Altogether,
I had
five pints of beer and six bottles.
No. Six pints of beer and seven bottles.
And you know what?
I'm not even pissed!
You'll never guess what, Ken.
Ken, you'll never guess what.
- What?
Got a date for tomorrow night.
I'm very happy for you.
With a girl.
Can you turn the light off, please?
Only been in Bruges one day, got a date
with a girl in the film business,
the Belgian film business.
They're doing a film about a midget.
Miss?
Marie?
Sorry about the message last night.
The man who left it is a bit of a...
Well, he's a bit of a...
c**k?
Yes. He's a bit of a c**k.
Morning.
Harry called last night.
We missed him.
Jeez, he swears a lot, doesn't he?
We're staying in tonight.
Whatever happens.
Hmm.
Except...
Hmm.
Hmm.
Except 'hmm' what?
Except only one of us
needs to stay in, really.
Uh-huh.
And which one of us
would that be, now, Ray?
I thought you didn't like Bruges.
I don't like Bruges,
it's a shithole.
But I did already say I had a date
with a Belgian lady
in the Belgian film business,
which I did already say about before.
Just don't get into any f**king trouble.
We're keeping a low profile.
And this morning,
and this afternoon,
we are doing what I want to do.
Got it?
- Of course.
Which, I presume,
will involve culture.
Oh, we shall strike a balance
between culture and fun.
Somehow I believe, Ken, that the
balance shall tip in the favor of culture.
Like a big, fat, f**king retarded,
f**king black girl
on a seesaw, opposite
a dwarf.
Ray, did we or did we not agree
that if I let you
go on your date tonight,
we'd do the things I wanted to do today?
We are doing the things
that you wanted to do today.
And that we'd do them without you
throwing a f**king moody,
like some 5-year-old who's dropped
all his sweets?
I didn't agree to that.
I'll cheer up.
I'll cheer up.
Up there, the top altar, is a phial
brought back by a Flemish knight
from the Crusades in the Holy Land.
And that phial, do you know what
it's said to contain?
No, what's it said to contain?
It's said to contain some drops of
Jesus Christ's blood.
Yeah, that's how this church got
its name. Basilica of the Holy Blood.
Yeah. Yeah.
And this blood, right,
though it's dried blood,
at different times over many years,
they say it turned back into liquid.
Turned back into liquid from dried blood.
At various times of great
stress.
Yeah?
- Yeah.
So, yeah, I'm gonna go up in the queue
and touch it, which is what you do.
Yeah?
- Yeah. You coming?
Do I have to?
Do you have to?
- Of course you don't have to.
It's Jesus' f**king blood, isn't it?
Of course you don't f**king have to!
Of course you don't f**king have to!
You little f**king cu*t.
Murder, Father.
Why did you murder someone, Raymond?
For money, Father.
For money?
You murdered someone for money?
Yes, Father.
Not out of anger, not out of nothing.
For money.
Who did you murder for money, Raymond?
You, Father.
I'm sorry?
I said you, Father.
What, are you deaf?
Harry Waters says hello.
The little boy.
I quite like this one.
All the rest were rubbish by spastics,
but this one's quite good.
What's that all about, then?
It's Judgment Day, you know?
- Oh, yeah.
What's that then?
Well, it's, you know,
the final day on Earth.
When mankind will be judged for all
the crimes they've committed and that.
And see who gets into Heaven and
who gets into Hell and all that?
Yeah.
And what's the other place?
Purgatory.
Purgatory?
Purgatory's kind of like
the in-betweeny one.
You weren't really s**t, but you
weren't all that great, either.
Like Tottenham.
Do you believe in all that stuff, Ken?
About Tottenham?
The Last Judgment and the afterlife.
Guilt and sins and
Hell and all that?
Um...
Well...
I don't know, Ray.
I don't know what I believe.
The things you're taught as a child,
they never really leave you, do they?
So, like, I believe in trying
to lead a good life.
Like, if there's an old lady,
carrying her shopping home,
I don't try and help her carry her
shopping, I don't go that far,
but I'll certainly hold
the door open for her and that,
and let her go out before me.
Yeah. And anyway, if you tried to
help her carry her shopping,
she'd probably think you were
just trying to nick her shopping.
Exactly. This is the world
we live in today.
At the same time as trying to lead
a good life,
I have to reconcile myself with the
fact that, yes, I have killed people.
Not many people. Most of them were
not very nice people.
Apart from one person.
Who's that?
This fellow,
Danny Aliband's brother.
He was just trying to protect
his brother. Like you or I would.
He was just a lollipop man.
He came at me with a bottle.
What are you gonna do?
I shot him down.
Hmm.
In my book, though, sorry,
someone comes at you with a bottle,
that is a deadly weapon,
he's gotta take the consequences.
I know that in my heart.
I also know that he was just trying
to protect his brother, you know?
I know. But a bottle,
that can kill you.
It's a case of it's you or him.
If he'd come at you with his
bare hands, that'd be different.
That wouldn't have been fair.
Well, technically, your bare hands
can kill somebody, too.
They can be deadly weapons, too.
I mean, what if he knew karate, say?
You said he was a lollipop man.
He was a lollipop man.
What's a lollipop man doing
knowing f**king karate?
I'm just saying.
How old was he?
- About 50.
What's a 50-year-old lollipop man
doing knowing f**king karate?
What was he,
a Chinese lollipop man?
Jesus, Ken, I'm trying to talk about...
I know what you're trying to talk about.
I killed a little boy.
You keep bringing up f**king lollipop men!
You didn't mean to kill a little boy.
I know I didn't mean to.
But because of the choices I made and
the course that I put into action,
a little boy isn't here anymore.
And he'll never be here again.
I mean here in the world,
not here in Belgium.
Well, he'll never be here in Belgium,
either, will he?
I mean, he might have wanted
to come here when he got older.
I don't know why.
And that's all because of me.
He's dead because of me.
And I'm trying to...
I'm trying to get me head
around it, but I can't.
I will always have
killed that little boy.
That ain't ever going away. Ever.
Unless...
Maybe I go away.
Don't even think like that.
You look good.
What's it matter anyway?
So, what do you do, Raymond?
I shoot people for money.
What kinds of people?
Priests. Children.
You know, the usual.
Is there a lot of money to be made
in that line of business?
There is in priests.
There isn't in children.
So what is it you do, Chloe?
I sell cocaine and heroin
to Belgian film crews.
Do you?
Do I look like I do?
You do, actually.
Do I look like I shoot people?
No.
Just children.
Mmm-hmm.
I saw your midget today.
Little prick didn't even say hello.
Well, he's on a lot of ketamine.
What's that?
Horse tranquilizer.
A horse tranquilizer?
Where'd he get that?
- I sold it to him.
You can't sell horse tranquilizers
to a midget!
This movie, I think it's gonna be
a very good one.
There's never been a classic movie
made in Bruges until now.
Of course there hasn't,
it's a shithole.
Bruges is my hometown, Ray.
Well, it's still a shithole.
It's not a shithole.
What? Even midgets have to
take drugs to stick it.
Okay.
So, you've insulted my hometown.
You're doing very well, Raymond.
Why don't you tell me some
Belgian jokes while you're at it?
I don't know any Belgian jokes.
And if I did, I think I'd have
the good sense not to...
Hey, hang on. Is Belgium where there
were all those child abuse murders lately?
Then I do know a Belgian joke.
What's Belgium famous for?
Chocolates and child abuse.
And they only invented the chocolates
to get to the kids.
What?
One of the girls they murdered was
a friend of mine.
I'm sorry, Chloe.
One of the girls they murdered
wasn't a friend of mine.
I just wanted to make you feel bad.
And it worked.
Quite well.
f**king unbelievable.
What's f**king unbelievable?
Are you talking to me?
He pauses, even though he
should just hit the cu*t.
And he repeats.
Yes, I am talking to you.
What's f**king unbelievable?
Well, I'll tell you what's
f**king unbelievable, shall I?
Blowing cigarette smoke straight into
myself and my girlfriend's face.
That's f**king unbelievable!
This is the smoking section.
I don't care if it's the smoking section.
All right?
She directed it right in my face, man.
I don't wanna...
die just because of
your f**king arrogance.
Uh-huh.
Isn't that what the
Vietnamese used to say?
Vietnamese? What are you
talking about, the Vietnamese?
That statement makes
no f**king sense at all.
Yes it does.
- The Vietnamese!
Well, saying it over and over ain't
gonna make any more sense out of it.
How does the Vietnamese
have any relevance whatsoever
to myself and my girlfriend
having to breathe
your friend's cigarette smoke?
Tell me how saying...
That's for John Lennon,
you Yankee f**king cu*t!
A bottle? No, don't bother.
We're leaving.
I don't hit women!
I would never hit a woman, Chloe!
I'd hit a woman who was trying to
hit me with a bottle!
That's different.
That's self-defense, isn't it?
Or a woman who could do karate.
I'd never hit a woman generally, Chloe.
Don't think that.
God, you're pretty.
I have to make a call.
Oh, no.
You've gone off me, now, haven't you?
Just because I hit that f**king cow.
Hello?
Where the f**k
were you yesterday?
We just popped out for some dinner,
Harry. We only popped
out for half an hour.
Yeah? What'd you have?
For dinner?
- Yeah.
Pizza, at Pizza Hut.
Was it nice?
Yeah, it was all right.
I don't know. It was Pizza Hut.
The same as in England.
Well, that's globalization,
isn't it? Is Ray there with you?
He's in the toilet.
Can he hear?
- No.
What's he doing?
What do you mean?
- Is he doing a wee or a poo?
I don't know, Harry,
the door's closed.
Send him out on an errand for half...
an hour, but don't make
it sound suspicious.
Ray? Why don't you go out down
to the pub for half an hour?
Yeah, yeah, I know I said you couldn't,
but might as well enjoy ourselves, eh?
No, I don't know if they've got
bowling anywhere.
Could have a look.
Yeah, see you.
Yeah. He's gone.
What'd you say to him?
I said, 'Why don't you go have a drink,
you say you've been cooped up?'
What did he say?
- Said, yeah, he would.
And he might go have a look to see
if there's a bowling alley around.
Was he just having a wee?
Yeah, I think so.
I assume so.
Sure he didn't mind?
No, he was glad to get out.
He's definitely gone?
Yeah, yeah, he slammed the door.
That don't mean he's gone.
Go check outside the door.
Harry, he's definitely gone.
You realize there are no
bowling alleys in Bruges?
I realize that, Harry.
The boy wanted to have a look anyway.
What are they gonna have,
a medieval f**king bowling alley?
As I say, I think he was just glad
to get out and about.
So, is he having a nice time,
seeing all the canals and that?
I had a lovely time when I was there.
All the canals and the
old buildings and that.
When were you here?
When I was seven.
Last happy holiday I f**king had.
Have you been on a canal trip, yet?
- Yeah.
Have you been down, like,
all the old cobbled streets and that?
Yeah.
It's like a fairytale,
isn't it, that place?
Yeah.
With the churches and that.
They're Gothic.
Yeah.
Is it Gothic?
- Yeah.
So he's having a really nice time?
Well, I'm having a really nice time.
I'm not sure if it's
really his cup of tea.
What?
You know, I'm not sure
if it's really his thing.
What do you mean,
'It's not really his thing'?
What's that supposed to mean,
'It's not really his thing'?
What the f**k is that supposed to mean?
Nothing, Harry.
It's a fairytale f**king town, isn't it?
How can a fairytale town not be
somebody's f**king thing?
How can all those canals and bridges
and cobbled streets and those churches,
all that beautiful
f**king fairytale stuff,
how can that not be
somebody's f**king thing, eh?
What I think I meant to say was:
Is the swan still there?
- Yeah, the swan's...
How can f**king swans not f**king
be somebody's f**king thing, eh?
How can that be?
What I think I meant to say was,
when he first arrived,
he wasn't quite sure about it.
You know, there's that big, dual
carriageway when you get off the train?
It mightn't have been here when you
were here last, Harry.
Well, as soon as he got into,
like, the old town proper,
and he saw the canals and the bridges and,
you know, the swans and that,
well, he just f**king loved it then.
Couldn't get enough of it,
the medieval part of town.
It was just that initial, dual carriageway
thing sort of put him off for a second.
Don't know if I remember
a dual carriageway.
Must be recent.
Hasn't spoilt it, has it?
No, no, no, it's just that initial thing.
And you know what?
As we were walking through the streets,
there was this sort of freezing fog
hanging over everything,
and it made it look almost like
a fairytale or something.
And he turned to me,
do you know what he said?
What'd he say?
He said, 'Ken, I know I'm awake,
but I feel like I'm in a dream.'
Yeah? He said that?
Yeah.
Meaning, like,
in a good dream?
Yeah. Of course,
like in a good dream.
Oh, good. I'm glad he likes it there.
I'm glad we were able
to give him something.
Something good and happy. Because he
wasn't a bad kid, was he?
Huh?
He wasn't a bad kid,
was he?
Listen, take down this address.
Raamstraat 17.
That's 'Raam,' like 'Ram,'
but with an extra 'a:'
Raamstraat 17.
You got that?
Yes, Raamstraat 17.
Good. There'll be a man there tomorrow
morning at 9::00, his name's Yuri.
Yuri.
- He'll give you the gun.
Ring me on the public phone
at Jimmy Driscoll's
about 3:00 or 4:00 tomorrow,
after it's done.
After what's done?
Are you being thick?
No.
- Listen, I like Ray.
He was a good bloke, but when it
all comes down to it, you know,
he blew the head off a little
f**king kid. And you brought him in, Ken.
So if the buck don't stop with him,
where does it stop?
Ken?
If the buck don't stop with him,
where does it stop?
It stops with me, Harry.
That's an easy one.
Look, don't get shirty, Ken.
Listen, I'm just glad that I was able...
to do something for
the boy before he went.
Do what for the boy?
You know, have him get to see Bruges.
I'd like to go to see
Bruges again before I die.
What was it he said again about:
Yeah, 'It's like a dream:'
'I know I'm awake, but I feel like
I'm in a dream.'
Yeah.
Give me a call when he's dead.
That's my f**king girlfriend,
you a**hole.
Eirik, what are you doing?
Where are you from, f**ker?
Ireland, originally.
And you think it's okay
to come over to Belgium
and f**k another man's girl?
Look, I didn't know she had
a boyfriend, all right?
And I haven't fucked her, anyway.
Ask her. I'd only put me hand on it.
Eirik, put the gun down!
Get down on your knees
and open your mouth.
Don't start being silly.
Get down on your:
Exactly at what point was it that
all skinheads suddenly became poofs?
Used to be,
you were a skinhead,
you just went around beating up
Pakistani 12-year-olds.
Now it seems a prerequisite
to be a f**king bum-boy!
That's not gonna help you, man.
Ray, there's only blanks in that gun.
Eirik, don't!
Now who's the f**king bum-boy?
You, you f**king bum-boy!
Chloe, what exactly is going on here?
I can't see!
I can't see!
Of course you can't
f**king see! I just shot
a blank in your f**king eyes!
Is this fella your boyfriend?
- No. I mean, he used to be.
Well, what's he doing here?
We... We rob tourists, sometimes.
I f**king knew it was too good
to be true!
I knew you'd have never
shagged me, normally.
No! That's not true, I...
I called it off tonight.
I told him not to come tonight.
Why did you come tonight?
Chloe, I can't see,
I swear it!
Stop whingeing like a big gay baby.
I haven't had a shag in months!
I can't see out of this eye, Chloe!
I have to go to the hospital!
I'll drive you.
Great! Now the whole night's ruined!
No!
You can stay if you want. I just
don't know how long I'll be.
I just knew someone like you
would never like someone like me.
I just knew.
- What do you mean, someone like me?
You know, someone nice.
Call me. Please.
Chloe!
Cha-ching!
Have you got some sort of problem?
No, no problem.
Four beers in 20 minutes.
No problem.
f**k off.
Beer and a red wine.
I'll be back.
How's the movie going?
It's a jumped-up Eurotrash piece of
rip-off f**king bulls**t.
Like, in a bad way?
Your girlfriend's very pretty.
She ain't my girlfriend.
She's a prostitute I just picked up.
Didn't know there were
any prostitutes in Bruges.
You just have to look
in the right places.
Brothels are good.
Well, you've picked up
a very pretty prostitute.
Thank you.
You from the States?
Yeah.
But don't hold it against me.
I'll try not to.
Just try not to say
anything too loud or crass.
Hey-ho. Drowning your sorrows, huh?
What sorrows?
You know, being a sad,
old, ugly little man.
One gay beer, please.
How'd your date go?
My date involved two instances of
extreme violence.
One instance of her hand on my c**k
and my finger up her thing,
which lasted all too briefly.
Isn't that always the way?
One instance of me stealing five grams of
her very-high-quality cocaine,
and one instance of me
blinding a poofy little skinhead.
So, all in all, my evening
pretty much balanced out fine.
You got five grams of coke?
I've got four grams on me
and one gram in me,
which is why me heart
is going like the clappers,
as if I'm about to have a heart attack.
So if I collapse any minute now,
please remember to tell the doctors
that it might have something
to do with the coke.
Give us a gram, then.
I thought you were laying off,
because it makes you depressed?
You know what? Right now,
I don't really give a f**k.
Why didn't you wave hello to me
today when I waved hello to you today?
I was on a very strong
horse tranquilizer today.
I wasn't waving hello to anybody,
except maybe to a horse.
Huh? What are you talking about?
Just horseshit.
You from America?
Yeah. But don't hold it against me.
Well, that's for me to decide, isn't it?
Are you from America, too?
No, I'm from Amsterdam.
Amsterdam.
Amsterdam is just a load of bloody
prostitutes, isn't it?
Yes. That's why I came to Bruges.
I thought I'd get
a better price for my p*s*y here.
Huh?
You two are weird.
Would you like some cocaine?
I've also got some acid and some ecstasy.
Herv Villechaize, I know, did.
The dwarf off, I think,
The Time Bandits, did.
Lots of midgets:
Dwarves, top themselves.
Hmm. Shitloads.
Would you ever think about it?
Huh?
Would you ever think about killing
yourself because you're a midget?
f**k, man!
What kind of question is that?
We're just chatting,
aren't we?
See, Ken, this is the kind of hotel
Harry should have put us in.
A five-star,
with prostitutes in.
You know, sometimes, I think Harry
doesn't even give a s**t about us at all.
Has he still not called?
No. Still hasn't called.
No news is good news, eh?
Hmm.
Who's she?
There's gonna be a war, man.
I can see it.
There's gonna be a war between the
blacks and between the whites.
You ain't even gonna need
a uniform no more.
This ain't gonna be a war
where you pick your side.
Your side's already picked for you.
And I know whose side I'm fighting on.
I'm fighting with the blacks.
The whites are gonna get
their heads kicked in!
You don't decide this s**t, man.
Well, who are the half-castes
gonna fight with?
The blacks, man.
That's obvious.
But what about the Pakistanis?
The blacks.
What about...
Think of a hard one.
What about the Vietnamese?
The blacks!
Well, I'm definitely fighting with
the blacks if they've got the Vietnamese.
So, hang on.
Would all of the white midgets in
the world be fighting
against all the black
midgets in the world?
Yeah.
That would make a good film!
You don't know how much s**t I've had
to take off of black midgets, man.
That's...
Undeniably true.
See, Jimmy,
my wife was black.
And I loved her very much.
And in 1976, she was murdered
by a white man.
So, where the f**k am I supposed
to stand in all this blood and carnage?
Did they get the guy who did it?
A friend of mine got him.
Harry Waters got him.
So tell me, Jim, whose side do I fight
on in this wonderful war?
I think you need to
weigh up all your options
and let your conscience decide, Ken.
Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf.
I think I'm heading home.
Yeah. I think I'll come with you.
What's...
Back off, shorty!
You don't know karate.
Don't say you didn't have it coming.
Don't say you didn't have it coming.
Shortarse!
Meeting Yuri.
Yes, I'm Yuri.
Mr. Waters said that might be necessary.
There are a lot of alcoves
in the Koningin Astrid Park.
You use this word,
'alcoves'?
'Alcoves'? Yes. Sometimes.
There are not many people around
in these alcoves in Christmastime.
If I were to murder a man,
I would murder him here.
Are you sure this is
the right word, 'alcoves'?
'Alcoves,' yes.
It's kind of like 'nooks and crannies.'
'Nooks and crannies,' yes.
Perhaps this would be more accurate.
'Nooks and crannies,'
rather than 'alcoves.' Yeah.
You are going to do it, aren't you?
Mr. Waters will be very disappointed...
Of course I'm going to f**king do it.
It's what I do.
Your friend was behaving
rather oddly this morning.
Oddly? How?
Well, he asked me about the baby,
and if I wanted a boy or a girl.
I said I didn't mind as long as
it's healthy, of course.
But then he gave me 200 euros
to give to the baby.
I refused, obviously,
but he was quite insistent.
Would you give it back to him
when you see him?
I don't want to appear ungrateful, but it
seemed like all the money he had.
Do you know where he is now?
- He said he was going to the park.
Sorry, Ray.
I'm sorry.
Ray, don't!
f**king hell!
Where the f**k did you come from?
I was behind the thing.
- What the f**k are you doing, Ray?
What the f**k are you doing?
Nothing.
Oh, my God!
You were gonna kill me.
- No, I wasn't.
You were gonna kill yourself!
I'm allowed to.
No, you're not!
What?
I'm not allowed to and you are?
How's that fair?
Can we go somewhere
and talk about this, please?
I wasn't gonna go through with it, Ray.
You f**king looked like you were
gonna go f**king through with it.
Where'd you get that gun?
A friend of Harry's.
f**k, man.
Let me see it.
Silencer, too.
Nice.
Mine's a bloody girl's gun.
I'm keeping it.
Pardon me?
Give me me gun back.
You're not getting it back.
You're a suicide case.
And you were trying to shoot me
in the f**king head.
You're not getting that gun back.
A great day this has turned out to be.
I'm suicidal,
me mate tries to kill me,
me gun gets nicked
and we're still in f**king Bruges.
Listen, I'm gonna give you some money
and put you on a train somewhere.
Back to England?
You can't go back to England, Ray.
You'd be a dead man!
I want to be a dead man.
Have you been missing something?
You don't want to be a dead man, Ray.
I killed a little boy!
Then save the next little boy.
Just go away somewhere,
get out of this business
and try to do something good.
You're not gonna help anybody dead.
You're not gonna bring that boy back.
But you might save the next one.
What am I gonna be, a doctor?
You need exams.
Do anything, Ray.
Do anything.
What a wanker!
He said this whole trip,
this whole being in Bruges thing,
was just to give you one last,
joyful memory before you died.
In Bruges?
The Bahamas, maybe.
Why f**king Bruges?
I suppose it's cheaper.
The rest of the acid and the ecstasy.
Can I have me gun back, please?
What am I gonna do, Ken?
What am I gonna do?
- Just keep moving.
Keep on moving.
Try not to think about it.
Learn a new language, maybe?
Sure, I can hardly do English.
That's one thing
I like about Europe, though.
You don't have to learn
any of their languages.
Just forget about home for a while.
See how the land lies
in six years, seven years.
Seven years is not that long.
It's longer than that boy got.
Me first f**king job.
Great hitman I turned out to be.
Some people just aren't
cut out for it, Ray.
Are you?
When are you going back to England?
I'll head back in a couple
of hours or something.
Harry's not gonna be mad at you,
is he? For letting me go?
I'll sort out Harry.
Just tell him I'll have probably
killed meself in a fortnight, anyway.
You won't, will you, Ray?
Harry? It's Ken.
Listen to this noise.
Do you know what that is?
Yeah, I know you know it's a train.
Do you know what train?
Well, it's a train that Ray just
got on, and he's alive and he's well,
and he doesn't know where he's going
and neither do I.
So if you need to do your worst,
do your worst.
You've got the address of the hotel.
I'll be here waiting.
Because I've got to quite
like Bruges, now.
It's like a f**king
fairytale or something.
Harry.
Harry!
What?
It's an inanimate f**king object.
You're an inanimate f**king object!
Now, you lot be good for your mummy
and Imamoto, okay?
'Cause Daddy's got to
go away for a few days.
Where are you going?
I've got to go to Bruges.
Bruges? Where's that?
It's in Belgium.
Why would anybody have to go to Belgium?
'Cause I've got to sort something out.
Is it something to do with the phone?
It's something to do with Ken.
It's a matter of honor.
Well, it ain't gonna be dangerous, is it?
Well, of course it's gonna be dangerous
if it's a matter of f**king honor!
You are bringing the fellas with you?
Tell me you're bringing
the fellas with you.
Harry.
I'm sorry for calling you
an inanimate object.
I was upset.
You're Irish?
Yes.
What is your name?
Derek Perlurrl.
You hit the Canadian.
You hit the Canadian.
I 'heet' the Canadian?
I don't know what you're talking about.
That's him!
That's the motherfucker.
You hit the Canadian, yeah?
Canadian? s**t.
We're taking you back to Bruges.
- Brilliant.
Aye aye.
Take your pick, Mr. Waters.
An Uzi?
I'm not from South Central
Los f**king Angeles.
I didn't come here to shoot 20 black
10-year-olds in a f**king drive-by.
I want a normal gun for a normal person.
I knew he wouldn't kill the guy.
I could see it in his eyes when I was
telling him about the alcoves.
About the what?
- The alcoves.
The alcoves in the Koningin Astrid Park.
Oh, I also have some dumdums.
You use this word,'dumdums'?
The bullets that make the head explode?
Dumdums, yeah.
Would you like some of these dumdums?
I know I shouldn't,
but I will.
Motherfucker.
Is he talking to me?
No, Eirik's on your side,
Mr. Waters.
Your young friend blinded him last night.
Ray did?
I was trying to rob him
and he took my gun from me.
And the gun was full of blanks,
and he shot the blank into my eye.
And now, I cannot see from this eye
ever again, the doctors say.
Well, to be honest, it sounds like
it was all your fault.
What?
I mean, basically, if you're robbing
a man and you're only carrying blanks,
and you allow your gun
to be taken off you,
and you allow yourself to be shot
in the eye with a blank,
for which I assume the person has to get
quite close to you, then,
yeah, really, it's all your fault
for being such a poof.
So why don't you stop whingeing
and cheer the f**k up?
Eirik, I really wouldn't respond.
I thought you wanted the guy dead?
I do want the guy dead.
I want him f**king crucified.
But it don't change the fact
that he stitched you up like
a blind, little gay boy.
Does it?
Thanks for the gun, Yuri.
Well?
The boy is suicidal, Harry.
He's a walking dead man.
Keeps going on about Hell and purgatory:
When I phoned you
yesterday, did I ask you,
'Ken, will you do me a favor and
become Ray's psychiatrist, please?'
No. What I think I asked you was,
'Could you go blow his
f**king head off for me?'
'He's suicidal'?
I'm suicidal. You're suicidal.
Everybody's f**king suicidal!
We don't all keep going on about it!
Has he killed himself yet?
No. So he's not f**king suicidal, is he?
He put a loaded gun to
his head this morning.
I stopped him.
He...What?
This gets f**king worse!
We were down in the park...
Let me get this right.
You were down in the park?
What's that got to do
with f**king anything?
Let me get this right. Not only
have you refused to kill the boy,
you've even stopped the boy
from killing himself,
which would have solved my problem,
which would have solved your problem,
which sounds like it would've solved
the boy's problem.
It wouldn't have solved his problem.
Ken, if I had killed a little kid,
accidentally or otherwise,
I wouldn't have thought twice.
I'd have killed myself on the
f**king spot. On the f**king spot.
I'd have stuck the gun in me mouth
on the f**king spot!
That's you, Harry.
The boy has the capacity to change.
The boy has the capacity to do
something decent with his life.
Excuse me, Ken.
I have the capacity to change.
Yeah, you do. You've the capacity
to get f**king worse!
Yeah, now I'm getting down to it!
Harry, let's face it.
And I'm not being funny,
I mean no disrespect,
but you're a cu*t.
You're a cu*t now,
you've always been a cu*t.
And the only thing that's
gonna change is you're gonna
become an even bigger cu*t.
Maybe have some more cu*t kids.
Leave my kids f**king out of it.
What have they done?
You f**king retract that bit
about my cu*t f**king kids!
I retract that bit about
your cu*t f**king kids.
Insulting my f**king kids!
That's going overboard, mate!
I retracted it, didn't I?
Still leaves you being a cu*t.
Yeah, I f**king got that.
Where's Ray now?
Oh, right about now,
Ray is in one or other
of the one million towns in
mainland Europe it's possible
to be in, other than here.
I'll get all the money
back to you soon as I
get through to me friend.
It's not a problem,
Raymond.
And I'll get all your acid and
your ecstasy back to you, too.
English humor!
I'm assuming you've got your gun on you.
That Yuri bloke's
a funny fella, isn't he?
He does yoga.
'The alcoves.'
Was he going on to you about the alcoves?
'The alcoves
in the Koningin Astrid Park.'
Harry, I know you gotta do
what you gotta do.
It's a bit crowded round here, you know?
Well, I'm not gonna have a shootout
in the middle of a thousand
f**king Belgians, am I?
Not to mention the other
nationalities, just on their holidays.
Hmm.
To see the swans and the Gothic
and all the fairytale stuff, eh?
Are you trying to f**king wind me up?
- No, Harry.
On top of calling me a cu*t
and calling me kids cu*ts.
I might just have to
f**king shoot you right here.
Christ!
Let's go up the bell tower.
Be quiet up there this time of evening.
Let's go up there.
Yeah. Canadians.
I feel a bit bad. They didn't kill
John Lennon, did they?
Anyway, supposed to turn up
to court here in two days.
Are you going to turn up?
Don't know.
What have I got to stay for really?
The most beautiful woman
you've ever seen
in all of your stupid life.
The tower is closed this evening.
No way. It's supposed
to be open till 7:00.
The tower is usually open until 7:00.
Yesterday an American
had a heart attack up the tower.
Today the tower is closed.
Here, cranky, here's 100 for you.
We're only gonna be 20 minutes.
The tower is closed this evening.
Understand, Englishman?
Jimmy, I've been wanting to say
I'm really sorry for
karate-chopping you the other night.
That was way out of order.
You know, Ray, I'd find it easier
to believe and forgive you, somehow,
if the two of you weren't
laughing straight in my f**king face!
It's for the goddamn movie, man.
It is a nice town, Harry.
I'm glad I got to see it.
I didn't mean to be taking the
piss out of it being a fairytale place.
It is a fairytale place.
It really is.
- Hmm.
It's just a shame
it's in Belgium, really.
But then you figure if it wasn't
in Belgium, if it was somewhere good,
there'd be too many people coming to
see it. It would spoil the whole thing.
Well, I'm glad I got to see it
before I died.
What are you doing?
What are you f**king doing?
I'm not fighting anymore, Harry.
All right, then I'm blowing
your f**king head off.
Don't come over all Gandhi.
What are you f**king doing?
Ken, stop messing about, please.
Pick up your gun. I know I'm going
to beat you anyway
'cause you're a spaz, but...
Harry,
I'm totally in your debt.
The things that have
gone between us in the past,
I love you unreservedly for all that.
What?
For your integrity.
For your honor.
I love you.
The boy had to be let go.
The boy had to be given a chance.
And if to do that, I had to say,
'f**k you, and f**k what I owe you,
'and f**k everything that's gone on
between us,' then that's what I had to do.
But I'm not fighting you.
And I accept, totally,
everything you've got to do.
I accept it. Totally.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Well, you say all that f**king stuff,
I can't f**king shoot you now, can I?
It's entirely up to you, Harry.
It's entirely your call.
All I'm saying is I'm not fighting.
Oh, you f**king cu*t!
Look, I'm not gonna do nothing to you
just 'cause you're standing about
like Robert f**king Powell.
Like who?
- Like Robert f**king Powell
out of Jesus of f**king Nazareth!
My f**king leg!
The psycho dwarf turns out to just be
a loveable little schoolboy,
and it's all some kind of
Boschian nightmare.
Kiss my a**!
I guess at least there weren't any
black people involved, eh, Jimmy?
I wasn't...
I wasn't talking about...
There's gonna be a war between
all the blacks and all the whites.
And all the black midgets
and all the white midgets,
which would actually be really good.
That's just cocaine.
He didn't even want
the Vietnamese on his side!
That's just cocaine.
Listen, we're filming down
by the pointy building tonight.
It might actually be good for once.
You guys should come along.
We...I think we're just gonna have
a quiet one tonight, Jimmy.
That's how it is!
In another life.
They're great,
aren't they?
You didn't. You didn't!
Mr. Waters? Mr. Waters?
Who's that?
- It's Eirik.
The blind boy?
- Yeah.
Yes.
What do you f**king want?
The guy you're looking for,
the guy Ray, he's downstairs at the bar.
I'm sorry, Ken.
But you can't kill a kid
and expect to get away with it.
You just can't.
Where?
- To the left when you come out.
The bar to the left.
Ken!
Ken! Ken!
Harry's here.
What?
Take
my gun.
Ken?
Where's my gun?
Where's my gun?
I'm gonna die now, I think.
Oh, Ken!
Jesus!
Mr. Blakely said you had left.
I need the key to the room right now.
Quickly, now!
And you gotta go home right now.
It's very, very dangerous here.
All right? Go home! Right now!
- Okay.
No, I won't let you
up there! Put that gun away, right now!
Lady, get out of my f**king way, please.
No, I won't. I won't get out of your way.
You'll have to go through me.
Well, obviously,
I'm not gonna through you,
am I, with a baby and that?
I'm a nice person.
But could you just get out
of the f**king way, please?
Marie!
Just let him come up, it's okay.
Harry, swear not to start
shooting until she's left the hotel.
I swear not to start shooting till she's
left the hotel. I totally swear.
Well, I'm not going anywhere.
This is my hotel.
So you can f**k off!
I suppose you've got a gun up there?
- Yeah.
Then what are we gonna do?
We can't stand here all night.
Why don't you both put your
guns down and go home?
Don't be stupid.
This is the shootout.
Harry, I've got an idea.
- What?
My room faces onto the canal, right?
I'm gonna go back to me room,
jump into the canal,
see if I can swim to the other side
and escape.
Right. If you go outside
and round the corner,
you can shoot at me from there
and try and get me.
That way, we leave this lady and her
baby out of the whole, entire thing.
Do you completely promise
to jump into the canal?
I don't want to run out there,
come back in 10 minutes
and find you f**king
hiding in a cupboard.
I completely promise, Harry.
I'm not gonna risk having another
little kid die, am I?
So, hang on, I go outside,
then I go which way, right or left?
You go right, don't you?
You can see it from the doorway!
It's a big f**king canal!
All right. Jesus!
I've only just got here, haven't I?
Okay. On a count of
'one, two, three, go,' okay?
Okay.
What? Who says it?
Oh, you say it.
You guys are crazy.
Are you ready?
- Ready.
Set?
- Set.
One, two, three, go!
Keep driving!
No way. You're way too far away.
The little boy.
That's right, Ray.
The little boy.
Oh.
I see.
No, Harry.
He's not...
You've got to stick to your principles.
There's a Christmas tree
somewhere in London
with a bunch of presents underneath
it that'll never be opened.
And I thought, 'If I survive all this,
I'll go to that house,
'apologize to the mother there,
'and accept whatever
punishment she chose for me...'
Prison, death,
it didn't matter.
Because at least in prison
and at least in death,
you know,
I wouldn't be in f**king Bruges.
But then, like a flash,
it came to me, and I realized,
'f**k, man, maybe that's what Hell is.
'The entire rest of eternity
spent in f**king Bruges!'
And I really, really
hoped I wouldn't die.
I really, really hoped I wouldn't die.