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Red Dwarf - Season 8

Remember Argyle Somerfield,

an old movie star?

Eighty-three, according to this, an'

he's just had a baby with his nurse!

'"It was love at first sight", she

cooed, "I've always liked older men'".

God, if she ever ran into

Tutankhamen he wouldn't stand a chance!

She'd have his bandages off before

you can say "silicon implants".

There's some pictures of

them here with the new-born.

There's Argyle, and there's the baby.

No no no no, there's

Argyle, and there's the baby!

I was thrown for a minute by the bib and the

bonnet. Thought that was the baby at first!

An eighty-three year old

dad! How's that gonna work?

I bet he's not gonna get up in the middle

of the night to give the baby its feed.

Probably pretend to be dead!

"Darling, can you give the

baby his bottle tonight?"

It's not gonna work, is it?

The only advantage, as far as I can see,

is the wife can change both

their nappies at the same time.

Are you still not talking to me?

It's unbelievably childish, y' know.

I've a good mind to fill your

shoes with runny porridge again.

Teach you a lesson about maturity...

All right, I'll tell you

what: I bet I can make you

say something in the next... minute.

Twenty big ones. Shake on it...

All right, if I'm on, say nothing.

I'm on! Okay. I'm gonna say something, all

right, an' you're gonna totally lose it.

Are you ready? Y' ready?

Remember Yvonne McGruder?

You really liked her, didn't you?

I used to go out with her, y'know.

Before you did. You didn't know

that, did you? Broke up in the end.

Really hurt me. Still got the scars today.

They never heal, carpet burns, do they?

Both cheeks, man! She nearly

wore them down to the bone!

Will you shut up!

What did I tell you? Twenty big ones!

I've been listening to you whittling

on now for what seems like two ice ages!

My mind is so numb

and brain-dead I feel

like I've just attended a three-day

seminar entitled "The Future of Plumbing".

Oh, at last you're talking

to me. I knew we'd make it up.

Eighty-three!

This thing's even bigger than I remember...

Errr, guyyys... we've got a problem..!

Hey guys! Look at my body!

There's an invitation that

will not cause a stampede.

No! It's back to normal.

No time for that now, sir.

We're flying down a corridor on Red

Dwarf and Starbug appears to be expanding.

It's not Starbug that's expanding,

it's Red Dwarf that's shrinking!

It must be something to do with

the nanobot's molecular process.

Just like my body!

We're being sucked into a vent!

Can't fight it!

Air vent walls closing in.

We must take action. Be

bold, positive, decisive.

All right, dudes.

Anyone fancy a game of charades using

just your noses, or is this a bad time?

Holly, man, we're about

to get crushed to death!

So that's a 'no', then, is it?

Once the nano's rebuilt the ship, I thought

things were going to get back to normal!

We don't know where we are, what to do,

and haven't got a clue what's happening.

Things are back to normal!

Can't you get this crate to go faster?

It's gonna be like getting crushed to

death under a gigantic trouser press!

Freshly laundered and wrinkle-free!

I always prayed I'd go out like that!

There may be a way through

this if we take a detour.

Past Epsilon 14 and take a right at the

hydro unit. We'll save about two minutes!

Epsilon 14.

There's... there's... there's

some kind of heartbeat up ahead,

and it's beating at an incredible rate!

You mean there's a heart out there with

no body? No wonder it's beating so fast.

Heyyy!

I hope we don't get stopped by the cops.

They don't like it when you're rat-arsed...

According to the desk

we've lost all engines!

Didn't I read somewhere that can

seriously affect your ability to fly?

Now we've lost the

mid-section and the kitchen!

I'm sorry everyone, but we may

have to have sandwiches for lunch!

Dave?

Selby! Chen! Is it really you?

Is it really us? Hang on, I'll check.

Yeah, I think it's us.

Guys! This is brilliant! I can't believe it!

You know these people, sir?

Know them? When they've been drunk and

unconscious I've taken their clothes off

and painted parts of them green!

Course I know them! This is

the Red Dwarf crew, Krytie!

How?

The nano's must have resurrected

them along with the ship.

This is Chen.

He works in the kitchen

and he's always drunk,

and this is Selby, and he's

always drunk too! Where's Peterson?

He couldn't make it. He's drunk!

The crew are all alive,

sir! This is great news!

Wonderful, marvelous, incredible

news! All that extra ironing! Bliss!

Mister Thornton, read them their rights.

David Lister, you are formally charged

with stealing and crashing a Starbug.

You are also charged with

having no pilot's license,

and smuggling two stowaways on board,

along with Navigation

Officer Kristine Kochanski.

Anything you say now, or do not say now, may

be used at a board of enquiry against you.

Do you require any form of aid?

Yeah, lemonade in a really large scotch.

Left, right, left, right, left, right!

Try and relax! You're

gonna burst a blood vessel!

Shut up, you maggot! Do you

understand? Do you understand!?

"Yes -" what!?

"Yes, Mister... Shouty"..?

"YES - SIR"!

Left, right, left, right, left, right,

left, right, left, right, left, right. Halt!

Lift arm.

At ease.

All right, dude.

They don't know about you yet, Holl.

It might be an idea to keep it that way.

I need some info. If the board of enquiry

find us guilty tomorrow, what happens then?

Well if you lose, you'll probably

get a couple of years in the brig.

What brig?

The brig on floor 13.

There isn't a floor 13!

Yeah, there is. It was classified.

A need-to-know only basis.

So who knew?

Well, all the officers, and anyone

who's ever seen the Twilight Zone.

So what's it like, this brig?

Well if I was an estate agent,

I'd probably describe it as an

old-style penal establishment,

abundant wildlife, two-hundred

bedrooms, all with ensuite buckets.

Smeggin' hell.

They call it The Tank.

There was an inmate

population of four-hundred,

all being transported to Adelphi 12.

Presumably, they've all

been resurrected too.

What are they like? No don't

tell me, I already know.

They're all deranged,

hairy no-lobes with breath

like old nappies, arms

like toilet walls...

scum of the universe. They're

all like that, aren't they?

Well, the nice ones are, yeah.

Hang on, I've got one of them

on file somewhere. Here we go:

I'm Nigel. I'm nice!

See what I mean? They're

not all headbangers.

Nige is lovely, though he

does tend to get a bit narky

if you go too close

to him with a magnet.

Thanks very much Holl.

Y' really cheering me up.

The brig.

Two years..! Two years without curry

and lager! Two years without sex!

- You hope!

- Rimmer!

Word's out they're going to

throw the book at you, Listy!

Followed by the bookcase, and

then the library, brick by brick.

God, it's you like you used to be. Ughhh.

What got into you? You can't fly a

Starbug, meladdo! You're a technician!

A zero! A nobody!

This is gonna sound nuts, but the

whole crew died, including you!

And you've all been resurrected

by these microscopic little robots!

- I died?

- Yeah.

- All the crew died?

- Yeah.

And you're going to spend

the next two years in the brig

with a load of neanderthals

with badly spelled tattoos.

So where are we, is it my heaven?

Look, a radiation leak

wiped everybody out.

I survived because I was in stasis.

Then these nano's arrived... rebuilt

the ship, and resurrected the crew.

So where are they?

Dunno... gone, scarpered.

Maybe I should take the fifth?

The fifth? If I were you, I'd take

the sixth, seventh and eighth, too.

I've got to track down these

nano's, to corroborate our story.

Otherwise, who's going

to believe our defence?

Only meths drinkers and

the corn circle society.

I need your help, man.

Me?

Who else is going to help

me? I'm confined to quarters.

The minute I walk though that door,

I get enough wattage up my jacksie

to light up the whole of Bootle!

Well, considering what the future

has in store for your jacksie,

a couple of zillion volts

is going to be easy street...

What's this rumour that we're three

million light years into Deep Space,

and Red Dwarf's changed shape?

That is classified information,

Karen! Who the hell told you that?

The coffee machine on G-deck.

That damn coffee machine. I'm gonna

bust his a** down to tampon dispenser!

Is it true?

Until we get Holly back

up, we can't verify it.

Starbug took out one of his CPU banks

in the crash and we're

having trouble rebooting.

The coffee machine said the ship's now

identical to its original design plans,

before the JMC made all its cutbacks?

We now have a quark-level

matter anti-matter generator,

ship-wide bio-organic computer

networking, and a karaoke bar on C-deck.

But how? And how did we

wind up in Deep Space?

Nobody knows...

We don't believe this one's

human. Take a look at this:

Has he got the measles?

Those are his nipples, Frank.

Six nipples? I wonder what the

female of the species is like?

Pretty easy to please in bed!

Especially if you play the piano.

His internal organs are different too.

In what way?

His kidney, liver, appendix,

are all colour co-ordinated.

And even weirder, his stomach

wall appears to be decorated.

This guy's intestines look

better than my quarters.

His heartbeat's weird too. Instead of a

normal heartbeat, his sounds... cooler...

You think I'm going to have

the dorky human heartbeat?

D dff, d dff, d dff, d dff.

Where's the tune in that?

Let me hear it.

Also, his pulse is a different rhythm.

Oh, that's good. Can you

slam that down on tape for me?

Rimmer, I'm begging you man: help me escape.

I've got to track down these nanobots.

I'm not risking my career and standing

for you, Listy. I'm going places!

"Up the ziggurat, lickety-split"...

Up the ziggurat, lickety-split, precisely!

I'm going to pass the engineering exam!

"And become an officer"...

And become an officer, yes! An officer.

A guy of honour, decency and breeding.

Are you saying I haven't

got those qualities?

Generally, people with breeding, when

they're bored and want my bridge club chums

to wrap up and go home, people with

breeding, generally, do not play

'Popeye the Sailor Man' with a kazoo

inserted between their buttocks.

I remember that! I used to do

that sort of thing, didn't I?

Don't expect help from me, Lister.

But that was years ago...

It was last week!

Last week for you, because you've just

been resurrected; years ago for me.

And anyway I was whirlitzered then.

I even finished off the advocar.

I even downed that smeg-awful pink stuff

down the back of the drinks cabinet.

That was my Windowlene... I must have left

it there when I was cleaning the glass.

It tasted all right with that

Chartruess green liqueurey thing.

You drank my Swarfega

too? You're unbelievable.

Look, I've changed, I'm different

now... more mature, more debonair.

I don't even stir my tea with a spanner

any more. You'd hardly recognise me.

Have you stopped playing the guitar?

No, but I've stopped

accompanying myself on the armpit.

What I'm trying to say is that I don't need

to take my frustrations out on you anymore.

How's that?

I've been away, what is it? Five,

six years, not counting stasis?

I've done stuff! Stuff that would make

your hair straight. I've come through it.

I can help you...

- Do what?

- Get promoted.

Preposterous!

How?

Information. I've seen the

crew's confidential reports.

I've seen their strengths

and weaknesses...

How?

Well before you were resurrected, I

had the run of the whole of the ship.

I've seen the crew's files, medical records,

sessions with the therapist, the works.

Knowledge is power. Who said that?

I don't know.

Nor do I. The point I'm trying to make

is, I can make you look like a genius.

You can get promoted in the field,

man, you won't have to take exams,

or do that astro-engineering

smeg... Just, help me escape.

I have my principles, Lister. You think you

can buy me with promises of power and glory?

You really think... okay, I'll do it.

But you'll have to prove it to me first.

You're on.

- Get me promoted.

- You've got it.

Okay, deal.

You'll find the confidential

files in Starbug's cockpit.

There's a senile version of Holly loaded

into this watch. He'll lead you to it.

Hello, I'm Doctor Lucas McLaren; I am

the ship's chief psychiatric counsellor,

and I thought it's about time we got

together, and had a really good natter.

My name is Kryten, sir.

Lovely! We are doing well, aren't

we! Now, you're a robot, aren't you?

I was, the last time I looked, sir, yes.

And can you tell me, when you

were created, can you remember?

2340, sir

Very good, 2340. Now, that's

in the future, isn't it?

Yes sir, I was created after you died.

Lovely! Lovely! So, I died,

er, and you were created.

And how long would you say

I've been dead, altogether?

Oh, you're not dead any more, sir.

Aren't I?

No no, you're alive again

now, sir. Can't you tell?

Right! I was alive, died, and

then started living again..?

You have been most fortunate sir!

I have, haven't I? Golly! Your chair

is screwed down, isn't it, Kryten?

Er, yes, sir?

Just checking!

Excellent, lovely, lovely!

So, how did I suddenly

spring back to life again?

You were rebuilt, sir, by these itty-bitty,

teeny-weeny, teenty little robots!

'Teenty little robots'?

And they make this little noise,

'miniminiminiminiminiminiminiminimini'!

Yes, just double check that

chair for me, would you, Kryten?

It is still screwed down, isn't it?

With really long, long screws

that go deep, deep into the ground?

Er, yes, sir.

Okay, now tell me, what kind

of robot do you think you are?

What were you programmed to do?

Oh well, I'm a sanitation droid, sir.

I'm programmed to do sanitation-type

things: washing, cleaning, ironing.

Hmm. You also drive

spaceships though, don't you?

Pretend to be the science officer,

and sit in that lovely, swivelly chair,

with all those lovely, pretty

buttons and press them all?

Yes, I do that too, sir. That's

sort of thanks to Mister Lister.

Mister Lister..?

He helped break my programming, sir.

Over the years I have managed to develop

some serious character faults

of which I'm extremely proud!

I'm even able to lie

to a modest standard,

for example: "you have

a very fine hair cut!"

You see how good I've got?

Also, "I've completely mastered

pomposity, even though I say so myself!"

I've also developed several

rudimentary emotions, including fear:

"Oh my God! It's going to kill us!";

sadness: "Oh my God, it's killed us";

happiness: "oh no it hasn't!"; surprise:

"Oohh! I've turned into a frog!",

and just lately, I'm proud to

say, I've got the hang of anger,

with rudimentary mindless violence:

That's a newie. I was going to

launch it at this year's Emotion Show.

At the moment, I'm

working on ambivalence

which means feeling two opposite,

irreconcilable emotions

about the same thing:

As you can see, I haven't quite

got the hang of that one yet.

I look like a dog with a caramel toffee.

What is your relationship with Lister?

I love Mister Lister, sir,

he taught me everything.

Without him, I'd probably be normal.

I'm going to make a recommendation now,

Kryten, which I think will help you,

but just before I do, just double

check that chair for me, would you?

Yes!

Luck virus; sexual magnetism?

Holly, what's this?

Dave got them years ago from

this scientist called Lanstrom.

They're positive viruses.

One gives you sexual magnetism,

and the other gives you luck.

Well, 'til your natural body

defences combat the virus.

Sexual magnetism!

You gonna use it?

Is Paris a kind of

plaster? You bet I am!

A tiny swigette to see if

it works. Well, bottoms up!

Then bottoms down, and

hopefully bottoms up again!

Hi, Arn...

Ladies!

Hi, Arnold...

The world loves a bastard!

This is the daily report of Captain F.

Hollister of the mining ship Red Dwarf.

Several of my crew are presently being

tried for crimes against the Space Corps.

This is gonna sound nuts, but the

whole crew died, including you!

And you've all been resurrected

by these microscopic little robots!

I've got to track down these

nano's, to corroborate our story.

Otherwise, who's going

to believe our defence?

Only meths drinkers and

the corn circle society.

I need your help, man.

I've seen the crew's files, medical records,

sessions with the therapist, the works.

I can make you look like a genius.

You can get promoted in the field,

man, you won't have to take exams..

Just, help me escape.

I have my principles, Lister. You think you

can buy me with promises of power and glory?

You really think... okay, I'll do it.

But you'll have to prove it to me first.

You're on.

Get me promoted.

You'll find the confidential

files in Starbug's cockpit.

There's a senile version of Holly loaded

into this watch. He'll lead you to it.

Yes!

My captain, sir.

Rimmer, is this salute ever gonna end?

Err, do I have time to go for a

cup of coffee? Maybe go on vacation?

Nearly finished sir. It's my

very special extra long salute,

I reserve for the

especially important, sir.

You wanted to see me?

I'm concerned over some of the

safety procedures on board, sir.

There's a potentially lethal

scenario concerning drive plates, sir.

Obviously, anyone who mis-repaired

one of these plates would have

to have a brain the size of a

leprechaun's testicle, nevertheless, sir,

like German tourists,

the stupid are everywhere.

I propose the following

new safety procedures, sir.

Did you really think of this?

Permission to look smug, sir.

Permission granted.

Good work, Rimmer. Great work.

Oh, before I go, sir. Happy

wedding anniversary, sir.

"Anus Soothe Pile Cream.

The easy-to-apply cream that

comes with its own special glove".

"One size fits all"... I

could tell from your walk.

Rimmer... could you post this for me?

Why, certainly, sir.

Oh, its addressed to me, sir?

I'm giving a supper for some of the guys

that I've marked out for greater things.

And you want me to be the wine waiter, sir?

This report is first rate! Now,

I want you to come to supper.

See you on Friday.

Incidentally, its black tie...

Thai, Chinese, I'll eat anything, sir!

Though, I would prefer

it if it wasn't black...

any chance of having

mine medium-rare, sir?

Just go! Wear what the hell you want...

Fill this up, behind the screen.

Kryten, hi...

What are you doing here?

What's wrong?

I've been classified as a woman.

A woman, why?

Well, because I haven't got a... penis...

It's a Space Corps. directive to

prevent gender ambiguity in jail.

What's the saying, "if you've got

nothing to swing, you can't be with Bing".

Well, what happened, did you lose it?

I was never issued with one,

ma'am. Well, why would I need one,

unless somehow I lost both arms

and there was an emergency situation

to write my name in the snow.

But hey, now you're a woman its going to

mean some big changes in the way you behave.

I'm not going to be a woman

for long, ma'am. Just overnight.

They want my permission to

repair my corrupted files.

Tomorrow afternoon.

Restore my factory settings!

But your corrupted files

are what makes you you!

I've been diagnosed as

being quirky and unstable!

Spin my nipple-nuts

and send me to Alaska!

Quirky!? How could they

reach a verdict like that?

And as for unstable! It makes me so...

Darn it, I still haven't got

the hang of that emotion, have I?

What was it supposed to be?

Ambivalence. Didn't come

out right though, did it?

I look like Mister Lister

when he's forced to eat fruit.

Well, look, what are you going to do?

Why, I have to go along with them, ma'am...

I can't say no, they are my superiors.

Look, you've got to say no!

I can't! They're better than

me, I'm, I'm not strong enough!

Right, here's a tip: if

you get scared tomorrow,

just imagine what they look like

on the loo... can you see them?

No, I... Ooh..! Yes, I can!

Do they still seem better than you?

No, ma'am!

- Do they still seem superior?

- No, ma'am!

That's what you've got to do

tomorrow! Just re-create that picture!

- It works for everyone!

- Yes!

Who are you looking at now?

You, ma'am!

Be upstanding.

Just relax, Rimmer's

gonna help us escape.

This enquiry's a piece of cake, we're

just going through the motions...

Let's get this enquiry under way.

You have refused defense

assistance, is that right?

Okay, this is what we do.

I've watched a lot of TV shows and

we all huddle together like this

and whisper for a while before we answer.

It looks like we know what we're doing!

We intend to defend ourselves!

You see how good that looked?

Are you familiar with the mind scan?

We are familiar with the mind scan, sir.

You are aware that it pictorially

enhances the cognitive process,

making your innermost thoughts available

for recording and viewing

to a board of enquiry?

Yes, sir.

You understand that it will involve the

administration of psychotropic drugs,

that is, drugs that

affect your mental state,

making this process possible?

If you accept, say 'aye'.

Aye.

Please sign the consent forms and

seal them into the envelopes provided.

We reconvene at 10am tomorrow.

The plan's working, Listy. Operation Get

Rimmer Officerhood, Power and Eminence,

or G.R.O.P.E. for

short, is bang on course.

That information I gave you on

the drive plates worked, then? Yes!

He's never been so pleased!

And, get this, he's invited me to

supper with the movers and the shakers.

The movers and the shakers?

Not me, Listy. I'm on my way,

up the ziggurat, lickety-split.

Well, don't forget your part of the deal.

The override code for this so I can leg it.

It's too soon, I'm not an officer yet!

The trial begins tomorrow, man!

Without the nanobots our defence

has got more holes than my socks.

But once you've legged it,

where does that leave me?

I'm not helping you escape and

losing all my insider knowledge.

I'm not an officer yet.

Woh! we shook hands on a deal!

Yeah but, Lister, you know me;

my handshake's less reliable

than a plumber's estimate.

No escapo, no more info.

Listy, its not going to help you.

I've got the confidential files.

Plus, I went through Starbug's

salvage, and I found these:

The Luck virus... Sexual Magnetism.

Positive viruses, Holly

told me everything.

Take some of this, it gives you luck,

and this, gives you sexual magnetism.

I've already tried some; right now,

Yvonne McGruder is sleeping off the first

twenty-three pages of the Kame Sutra.

So, you reneged on the deal,

then? Breaking your promise?

So you're a total scum-sucking,

two-faced, weaselly weasel?

Ah, my entry in "Who's Who".

You left some of your luck

behind, man. I touched the tube...

Sheer luck...

You may, if you prefer,

stand with the others tomorrow

and face the charges against you.

However, I advise that you have

your corrupted files repaired,

after which you may go

free. What is your decision?

Nnnn-, nnnnn-, nnnnnnnn-, oh, its no good!

Okay, let's all stay

calm! No need to be...

After all, Kryten is

merely holding us hostage,

which is lovely! Isn't

it, everyone? Lovely.

We don't want any trouble.

We'll just do what you say.

Come on, then. Come with me.

Come on, inside, inside, that's it.

Come on, all of you, quick, quick,

quick, quick. There we go, that's it.

Now, I want you to take down

your pants, and sit on a toilet.

My god, he's mad!

Then what're you going to do to us..?

I'm going to look at you.

He's totally mad!

Just... do what he says...

Lovely...

Now I want you to ask me the question again.

"Do I want to have my

corrupted files repaired?"

Do you want to have your

corrupted files repaired?

Nnnnnn-, nnnnnnn-, nnnnnn-no.

I did it. No, nnnnn-no, I don't.

The answer to the question is no.

No doubt about it, I do not want

to have my corrupted files repaired.

The answer is nnnnno!

Hello. I'm the Data Doctor.

If you would like me to examine

your hard disk, press 'Examine'.

Your mechanoid appears to have

developed the following rogue emotions:

affection, arrogance, envy, guilt, humour,

insecurity, petulance, possessiveness,

snobbery, and love.

If you wish to eradicate these

emotions from his database, press 'Fix'.

All bad line blocks and corrupted

personality disks have now been fixed.

Please reboot your mechanoid.

His personality has now been restored -

to its factory settings.

My name is Kryten, I am programmed

to serve. Can I be of service?

Bring me a coffee, please, Kryten.

Certainly, ma'am.

Then you may scrub the floor.

Yes, ma'am.

Are you happy -

Kryten?

I have no understanding of human

emotions, ma'am. I am programmed to serve.

Excellent.

I'm going to be 'Colin Charisma' at

the Captain's table with this stuff.

Hi...

And if we approach light speed, I think

we have to be aware we could come across

something I believe we'll

experience called 'future echoes'.

Certain pockets of... futurey

things. From the future.

How fascinating... What a fascinating

man you are, Mister Rimmer...

I think we've greatly underestimated

you over the years, Arnold.

Now, let me find out

where that coffee is.

Oh no, Captain, please, allow me.

Perhaps, ah, you could

help me, Mister Rimmer..?

Why, certainly, and perhaps we can talk

about my theory on backwards universes?

And, of course, in a backwards universe

many things begin to make more sense -

Oh my god, you are

sexy! So very, very sexy!

Bravo, bud! What now?

Well, we find Kryten,

get to the landing bay,

grab a ship and get the hell outta town.

He's on this floor.

Here he is!

Kryten, come on.

Are you addressing me, sir? I don't

believe we've had the pleasure.

What have they done to you, Kryten?

You sound like Noel

Coward's elocution teacher!

Well, if you'll forgive me, sir, I

have my duties to perform. Good day.

Aw, they've fixed all his corrupted files.

He mustn't have been able to say 'no'.

Someone's coming.

We've got to get a better disguise.

We've already got a disguise!

What's the point of a disguise if you

wear it under your normal outfit, Cat?

A grey boiler suit? You think I'm

gonna wear this on the outside? Ha!

Look, we're not leaving without him.

I don't care what they've done to him,

he's coming with us. He's part of the posse.

Hey! I got a great idea for a new disguise!

What?

The Dibbley family!

Yess!

Ahhh, there you are!

Any... news on the coffee?

Drat. We forgot. I'll

find out right away, sir.

I'll give you a hand, Mister Rimmer...

Sorry to interrupt... sir,

but we're searching this floor

for the escaped prisoners.

Sorry, we haven't seen them. Just

me, my wife, here, and my brother.

Hello!

- Hi!

- Hi.

I don't recollect seeing you guys before..?

That's because we don't go

around much looking like this.

What do you guys do?

..Computer programmers.

Well, if you see anything

suspicious, call security, okay?

Er, you bet.

Begging your pardon, sirs,

I just need to get a mop.

How peculiar, my mop-heads are missing.

Don't I know you, sir?

Wayne... Wayne, something.

Wayne Wibbley? Where do I know you from?

No, no, sir, you're mistaken. You're

mixing me up with some other big-teeth dork.

No, let him speak.

Where do you know him from?

Are you out of your mind?

Shh-shh! Where do you know him from? Think!

I think I'm about to

discover something wonderful,

but, when I discover it, it will put

someone in great danger. I feel an emotion.

I feel two emotions; two

different emotions! I feel- I feel-

Ambivalence?

I can feel my files corrupting...

they're... corrupting,

I... oohh, ohhh, oh

yes, that's good! Oohh!

I'm back, and I'm bad! Obviously, within

certain sensible pre-set parameters...

Attention, attention! Reported

prisoner sighting on C-deck,

reported prisoner sighting on C-deck!

Nice one, Holl...

What's wrong with you?

Well, do you get the

impression this is too easy?

Like, everything's going for us?

Like they almost want us to escape!

Hey, I was just thinking aloud!

No, no! The Luck virus, it's helping us.

Put your kit on.

Here we are! Remembered the coffee at last.

What about the mints?

I'll go. Would you like to

help me, Mister Rimmer..?

It's just, I've got so much coffee,

I don't think I could manage to

get any mints until tomorrow...

Well, the psychotropic testing

should be well underway by now.

Those results sure are

going to be interesting.

Psychotropic what?

The Lister case is so unusual

I decided to invoke my right

to use psychotropic evidence.

The accused are drugged,

wired to a mainframe,

then the computer feeds in

various hypothetical scenarios

and their reactions

are laid down on tape.

Right now, they believe

they're escaping,

but we just want to

observe what they do...

So, that means, that if anyone happens

to mention any... special agreements...

that they've entered into, then -

Could you excuse me? I think

I... left the iron on...

Hi...

What is wrong with me? I've got the

sexual appetite of a mountain lion,

no, worse, a first year nursing student!

It's just being wanted, it's such an

aphrodisiac. Got to get some control back!

Hi.

Never realised you were so

damn popular with the ladies...

Maybe you can share

your secret sometime?

Yes, sir.

Guys, it's Bob and Max.

Go on, shoo, guys, shoo, go on!

We're trying to escape,

but you'll never get past

security, so go on! Go on!

One day in this lousy, stinking

penal colony and I'm cracking up.

Everyone's so deranged and

brutal it's frightening.

This afternoon I was so depressed

I went to see the social worker.

Was he any help?

Not really; he beat me up.

I thought social workers

were supposed to be nice?

In the end I was so shell-shocked I went

to see the priest and explained everything.

What did he say?

He said I was a whining

baby who was missing his mum.

Then he beat me up, too. You can still see

the crucifix marks in the back of my head.

It's cos we're in G-tower.

All the staff are mad, here.

One of the guys was saying, though,

as a reward for good behaviour,

they move you to the

luxury block on D-wing.

Everything's really nice there;

they even shampoo the rats.

Groom their tails and everything.

What's this?

"Floor 13 information pack.

If privacy is required when using

toilet, please wear blindfold. "

What's the book?

Gideon's Bible.

He follows me everywhere, that

bloke! I was staying in a hotel once,

he left his bible behind there, as well.

And two years later, another hotel,

dozy git left it behind again!

Everything is ruined. My career's

over, I've no goal, no hope, no life.

Yeah, but how come that's

started to get you down now?

Maybe you hadn't noticed, but we're going

to spend the next two years in the brig?

Two years with the scum of the universe,

hardened criminals, deranged droids,

people so unbalanced and debauched

they could even get elected

as President of the United

States. We've got to escape!

Woh! There're security

cameras everywhere.

You know that mad geezer with

the one eye and the funny tic?

He said it was impossible.

Well he's bound to say

that, he was the warden!

If only I'd hired a smarter lawyer,

instead of the brain-dead, pompous,

stupid-haired git I ended up with.

You defended yourself!

Yes, and I don't need reminding

of that, thank you very much.

Two years in the Tank...

Two years...

How did I get into this mess?

I think the blindfold's

supposed to be for me...

This is the diary of Captain F.

Hollister of the mining ship Red Dwarf.

Several of my crew are presently being

tried for crimes against the Space Corps:

Are you familiar with the mind scan?

We are familiar with the mind scan, sir.

You understand that it will involve the

administration of psychotropic drugs,

that is, drugs that

affect your mental state,

making this process possible?

If you accept, say 'aye'.

Aye.

Please sign the consent forms and

seal them into the envelopes provided.

We reconvene at 10am tomorrow.

To test the voracity of their

defence, unknown to them,

I've had them placed in

artificial reality where their -

actions can be observed.

Right now, they believe they're escaping,

but we just want to observe what they do...

So, that means, that if anyone

happens to mention any...

special agreements... that

they've entered into...

Could you excuse me? I think

I... left the iron on...

Rimmer, one of the least able of my crew -

has started acting very suspiciously,

being incredibly insightful, and efficient.

I suspect he may have access to

the crew's confidential files.

We also believe he may be

in possession of a virus,

which makes him incredibly

attractive to the opposite sex.

This is obviously a

remarkable serum and,

as a responsible senior

officer of the Space Corps,

it's imperative I gain possession

of this solution and use some myself.

Oh - my - god - you are

sexy! So very, very sexy!

Yesterday he was observed injecting

his groin with anaesthetic -

something we believe he did

to regain some self-control.

Hi.

I also suspect someone, possibly Lister,

has given Rimmer access to

the crew's confidential files,

and he's using this information to

blackmail his way up the chain of command.

It's sickening, it's unforgivable,

but it's a technique that can work.

I should know: I used the same

method myself to become Captain.

If the crew discover I'm really

just Dennis the donut boy,

I'm finished.

I will continue to

observe Lister's actions

in AR and expect my

suspicions to be confirmed.

Report ends.

T minus eighteen seconds -

and counting; engines start.

This is Ground Control to Midget 3-

you don't appear to have flight clearance.

Please state your name and clearance code.

Ground Control, this is, er...

- Major Tom!

- Yeah! Major Tom -

Major Tom, what is your

clearance code and pilot number?

I'm sorry, I left all my

details in my other pants.

I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.

Woooowwww!

Without takeoff clearance

I can't permit you to fly.

I can handle this thing okay.

I'm good. I'm better than good,

I'm smoooooth, with a capital 'Smooooo'.

Well that's as maybe, but I need a

little proof you can fly that thing.

Fly!? I can make this thing dance!

Wow!

You free Saturday?

I am now.

Holy-shmoly! I got a date in three

day's time; I better start getting ready!

You're going nowhere,

man, we are outta here!

Now all we've got to do is get

a bearing on those damn nano's -

and we're cruising down Freedom Boulevard.

Getting something now, sir.

Good.

We didn't need that confidential files

scam I cooked up with Rimmer after all.

All that stuff I gave him on the

Captain... Double-dealing, two-faced rat!

Find - all - references

to - the - agreement

between - Lister - and

Rimmer - and - remove.

"All references removed. "

What was that? Something

weird just happened...

Yeah, I felt it, too.

There it was again!

And again.

Oh, my.

What is it?

I don't believe I'm here.

I have that feeling all the time.

I have it. I believe we're in

some kind of computer-manipulated,

psychotropically induced mind state.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

You mean this is our trial?

Our escape is our trial?

The envelopes... When we

signed the consent forms...

there must have been some kind of

drug on the gluey bit we licked.

So you mean nothing's been

real since then? Blue Midget?

The Ground Controller? None of that

was real? You mean after all this,

I still haven't got a date? Damn!

Another year when I have to sent

a Valentine's card to my hand...

No, this good, this is good!

It proves we're innocent!

Everything we've said

and done: escaping,

trying to track down the nano's;

it corroborates our story!

But you are guilty,

guys! Who are you fooling?

I dunno why I said that.

We're being framed...

Wait a minute, what's happening? I just

said "we're being framed" and suddenly -

It just happened again!

Everything we say's being -

Bananas.

If I say who I think's responsible

for this it'll get cut too,

so I'm not going to, but it's him.

I know it's him, you can bet on

it, and if I ever catch up to him,

I'm gonna cut off both his b-

blunt knife.

So how do we stop him?

If we're plugged into A.R. software

there must be a 'trap door' built

into the program

somewhere to allow escape.

You mean to help you get

out if the program freezes?

Precisely. There'll be a

cryptic clue around somewhere,

something like a trap door or exit...

I got it! There's a button here

with "E - 11- T" written on it.

And?

11 is "XI" in Roman

numerals. E - XI - T; "EXIT"!

He got that?

I think it proves, without a shadow

of a doubt, this is not reality!

Press it.

Now where are we?

Well somehow we've wound

up in the screen saver!

We need to locate a power source so

we can switch the A.R. machine off.

A power source? A.R.?

There has to be a clue around here

somewhere. Maybe it's in this ice hole?

There's some food in here?

So?

Including a bottle of ketchup...

So?

Power ketchup, get it?

What's to get?

Power sauce!

Pity he's only smart when

he's made out of plastecine..!

Press it!

Ohhhh... ohhhh...

You back-stabbin', weaselly

smegger! You were trying to frame us!

Listy! Just the man. Now, I know,

at first glance, this may look bad -

God, he's gorgeous...

Ohh, hold her back, please, hold

her, please! No more, no more!

Oh those nostrils! They're driving me

crazy, I've simply got to have them!

Hold her back, Kryten, help me!

Mister Cat, sir, put the lift on hold!

I want his babies!

The Luck virus, have you

still got it? Take some!

It'll cure the virus, and

restore you both to normal.

Oh god, that's so embarrassing...

What now, Holl?

No time to lose, you should head

for the nearest one of these:

You mean a moon?

Exactly.

He's right. We can regroup there and

continue our search for the nano's.

What about me?

Well, Mister Rimmer has had access

to the confidential files, sir.

He knows all the security codes.

Without him, our chances of

escape are about as remote

as meeting an interesting

hairdresser called Kylie.

So, what's it to be?

Look, if I leave I'm always

going to be a failure.

The shame of it. Every

time I have a boiled egg,

knowing I don't even

outrank the toastie soldiers.

I want to be an

officer, a man of honour.

But that's not gonna

happen for you now, man.

Just like it didn't happen

for the other Rimmer.

We're giving you a second chance

at life, and an opportunity for you

to screw it up in a

new and original way.

The old Rimmer was a

vital member of the team.

He performed essential

functions we've never replaced.

What did he do?

I dunno, really.

He, erm... he was, erm... he

was, erm... ah! Head of Safety!

"Head of Safety", that's a hell of

a title! But what did he actually do?

He sought out danger;

he sought out peril.

Then he advised us the best

way to run away from it.

Head of Safety. Five buttons. I'm in!

He's in? Let's celebrate! I'll

crack open a bottle of cyanide!

This is Ground Control.

You don't appear to have flight clearance.

You're the ground controller?

Please state your name and clearance code.

Reality sucks!

Your name's "Reality Sucks"?

One second, Mister Sucks.

Just checking my clearance lists...

Look, just do another smegging dance

and we'll get the hell out of here!

Dance? With her I'd have

trouble walking! Powering up!

Come back Mister Sucks, come back!

There's nothing on the scanner

for a thousand mile radius...

We're in the clear, guys!

Yes, oh yes!

I don't believe we are, ma'am...

What's up?

According to the supplies inventory

we're frighteningly low on...

oh, and everyone was so happy,

I can barely say it out loud...

What are we frighteningly low on? Oxygen?

Worse! Fabric softener!

Suggest we chart a course to the

nearest derelict, the SS Einstein...

before everyone's woolens

get all bibbly-bobbly!

Einstein? Wasn't he the

dude who discovered America?

Einstein discovered the

Theory of Relativity.

Where did he discover it?

Was it fossilised, and stuff?

The Theory of Relativity is...

What is the Theory of Relativity?

Yeah, what is it, Holl?

Bit busy at the moment, Dave.

Well, just tell us what is is in,

sort of, simple layman's terms.

It's a theory.

Yeah, but what is it?

Oh, you want it more

complicated than that, do you?

What does it mean?

It's the Theory of Relativity.

You know, it's the theory

you only tell your relatives.

It's so sad. Holly's supposed

to have an I.Q. of 6000.

Now, I doubt he could even spell I.Q.

If I'm so stupid, if I'm computer

senile, explain this then.

Explain what?

You can't, can you.

Explain what?

It's no good stalling, trying to buy time.

If I'm so stupid, explain why I was

able to re-create a new set of nanobots

and get them to resurrect the crew.

What?

I thought you'd be pleased.

But why?

My job is to keep Dave sane.

True, I'm not that good

at it, but I do my best.

That's why I create these little

diversions to keep him occupied.

But Holl, we could have wound

up doing two years in the brig!

Still could. I've just worked

it out, we're still in A.R.

What?

In computer jargon: my

plans have all gone tits-up.

I was out-thought, and out-manoeuvred.

Who by?

By a superior intellect.

You mean the hand-dryer in the men's

toilets has outsmarted you again?

No, by that other version

of me. The one on Red Dwarf.

This is still our trial.

Our trial? Why didn't you say? If

I'd have known, I'd have worn a tie!

Well, for me, Lister's

nanobots story is corroborated.

They were trying to track 'em down.

Their actions in the psychtropically

induced scenario bear that out.

I agree Frank. I also believe we

died, and were, indeed, resurrected.

Again, borne out by their actions.

So, original charges: all innocent.

But, its equally apparent that

they used classified information

from the crew's confidential

files to their own ends.

I suspected Rimmer had access the

moment he walked into my office

and began acting incredibly

smart and knowledgeable.

What a giveaway.

That's why I got him to lick

one of the psychotropic envelopes

when I invited him to dinner.

So, abusing classified

information. That's a fresh charge.

And on that, they're all guilty.

That's a statutory sentence.

I know. Two years in the brig.

So, instead of the original charge and a

possible sentence of two years in the brig,

they've been found

guilty on another charge,

and got an entirely different

two years in the brig.

That's going to be a

great comfort to them.

I'll bring them around, and break the news.

This is reality? But how can we be sure?

Why do we care? Nothing makes

any sense no matter where we are.

Look, everything was real before

we licked the envelopes, right?

Then we conked out, and got carted off

to A.R. before we licked anything...

before we licked anything...

I lent you my Holly watch!

So if this is reality, I

should still be wearing it...

Oh yeah, this is reality, all

right. I'd recognise it anywhere.

Also, sir, shouldn't

you have the viruses?

Again, you found them on Starbug

before we licked the envelopes.

The Luck virus; maybe we can

still get out of this mess.

I'll take that. The lab boys are

gonna want to run tests on it.

Where's the other one.

I'm afraid I lost it, sir.

God damn it, Rimmer! I wanted that!

Er, I mean, the lab boys wanted

it, to, er, test it, too. Damn!

This is all your fault.

My fault?

You betrayed us over that

confidential files scam -

Stole the Sexual Magnetism virus -

You lied to us -

And generally behaved like a self-serving,

scum-sucking, ruthless little ratbag!

And that's bad?

It is the finding of this enquiry that

you have been found guilty of contravening

Act 21 of the Space Federation.

Before sentencing,

you will have medicals

so you can be assigned

appropriate prison status.

I've buggered this up a bit, haven't I.

Welcome to the Tank...

What happened to my life?

Career, prospects, friends, I had everything

and I threw it all away. It's a tragedy.

What are you on about?

You had none of that stuff.

You're right, I had none of that stuff.

I had absolutely nothing and I threw it

all away. It's an even bigger tragedy!

What's this?

Canary outfits and first

meeting information.

I volunteered for the Canaries.

Some bloke came round the

machine shop so I signed up.

The Canaries?

Yeah, y'know, a bit

of close-part harmony,

and you should see the list of

privileges you get; unbelievable.

You don't know what the

Canaries are, do you?

Of course I do: a singing

group, acappella...

"You are the sunshine of my life,

ooo-ooh, that's why

I'll always be around"

They're nothing to do

with singing, are they?

Holly lied to me, didn't he?

Oh hey, he was taking the smeg.

Oh Listy! Listy, Listy, Listy!

Well go on then, what've I signed up for?

In the nineteenth century,

when miners went down a pit,

they'd lower a canary down

first in a little cage -

What, and make them do some mining?

They were sick in the nineteenth

century, weren't they, eh?

I mean, how much coal

can a little canary get?

And if the atmosphere was noxious, as it

frequently was, guess what the canary did.

Complained to the foreman?

It died, Listy. The canary's job

was to go into the most dangerous,

unpleasant and smeggy situations

and see if it could stay alive.

Then they'd know if it was safe

to send in the important people.

Oh, I'm gonna kill him!

How come you've never heard of the

Canaries? They've got recruitment posters

all over the men's bogs! How

come you've not seen them?

When I'm in the men's

toilets in prison, Rimmer,

I tend not to look around,

y'know what I'm saying?

It's like playing golf:

I concentrate on my grip,

keep my eye on the ball and

try not to veer off to the side!

They haven't got an X

chromosome to share between them!

Smeg!

It gets worse as well.

Worse! Go on.

I've signed you up, too.

I forged your signature, I

thought I was doing you a favour.

Me! Why?!

I've signed us all up.

Kryten, Kris, everyone!

No way! No way! No way

am I becoming a Canary!

It's a great honour for floor thirteen, for

today we are visited by Captain Hollister,

who has a special assignment.

At last, some action! I've

been going mental all this time,

cooped up, not killing nothing. Yes!

Kill Crazy, shut up, you punk!

Okay, listen up. We've located

a ship, the SSS Silverburg,

buried at the bottom of an ocean moon.

A remote probe has come

back with no signs of a crew,

no bodily remains, no skeletons, zip.

We want you guys to go on

board and, ah, find out why.

A- one, a-two, a-one-two-three-four:

"You are the sunshine of my life,

ooo-ooh, that's why

I'll always be around"

Rimmer!

Sorry, sir, we seem to have wandered

into the wrong hobby group,

we'll leave immediately.

Go!

Rimmer! You're here, and this is

where you'll stay, now get on with it.

Yes, sir, thank you, sir.

You heard what the warden said, he

wants us to get on with it. From the top!

"You are the sunshine of my life"

Rimmer!

Sorry, sir, when you said get

on with it I thought you meant -

Shut up! You're a Canary, man!

A member of the toughest

convict army this side of Pluto.

I've seen custard factories

that aren't as yellow as you are!

Start behaving like a man.

A man, sir, yes, of

course, sir, a man... a man.

Perhaps if you could remind

me, sir, it will all come back?

Continue, Captain.

It's inconceivable a ship like this

could be sent out without a crew,

so whatever devoured the crew, bones and

all, might still be there, so... be careful.

Let's go kill something! YESSSSS!

I hope its got, like, big teeth and claws

and, like, loads of heads. Yeah! Great!

Here we go! At last! Yeah!

Okay, stay together, keep 'em peeled.

- What's that!

- What? Where?

It's moving, shaking from

side to side like a leaf!

I think that's your shadow, sir.

Located the mainframe, maybe

it can tell us something.

Good evening, Arnold. I've been looking

forward to your arrival so very much.

How do you know my name?

My name is Cassandra. I am a computer

with the ability to predict the future

with an accuracy rating of 100%.

Bless you.

'Bless you'? What do you mean 'bless you'?

You need a tissue; Kris has

one in her left-hand pocket.

She says "would you like

this?"; you say "thanks".

- Would you like this?

- Thanks.

"Extraordinary".

Extraordinary.

"The questions we can ask,

it can tell us our future".

The questions we can ask,

it can tell us our future.

"But how does it work? The

future's not 'appened yet".

..I'm not gonna say that.

I never said you would.

But how does it work? The

future's not 'appened yet.

Although you do.

Smeg.

Let's ask her a question

about the future. A biggie...

Okay, Cassandra, do we ever get back

to Earth? Has the human race survived?

Do I ever find my singing tie-pin?

Look, do we want to know all

this stuff about the future?

I mean, do we want to know, for

example, how and when we die?

Kris is right. Something like that

could mess your life up forever.

Cassandra, I have a question.

I know, Arnold, because I know

the rest of this conversation.

So, what's the answer?

He chokes to death, aged

one-hundred and eighty-one,

trying to remove a bra with his teeth.

What was the question?

I just asked how you died.

You what? I didn't want to know that!

Who's bra?

A hundred and eighty-one? Probably your own!

Come on, no. Taking a bra off with m'

teeth, aged one-hundred and eighty-one.

That's a hell of a sexy way to go!

So long as the teeth are in

your mouth at the time, sir.

I'm really screwed up, now. I never

wanted to know that; know how I die.

It's completely spoiled the surprise!

Kryten, this is where you share

your theory with your crew-mates.

I have a theory, everyone. The Silverburg

didn't crash, did it, Cassandra?

The ship was sent here by the Space

Corps. on auto-pilot to get rid of you;

to abandon you at the bottom of a

lunar sea, in the depths of Deep Space.

That's brilliant, bud!

How'd you work that out?

I read it on this mission directive, here.

So, there was no dead bodies on board

because the ship didn't have a crew.

A computer that unerringly

predicts the future -

"Is a dangerous thing indeed"...

Is a dangerous... er, yes, precisely.

We, um, should be making tracks.

I'm afraid that that's not going to

happen. The bulkhead's just given away

and we're shipping water at

a thousand gallons a second.

All the Canaries will be dead

within one hour, except for Rimmer -

Yes!

Who will be dead in 20 minutes.

Only Lister, Kryten, the

Cat and Kochanski survive.

What happens to Rimmer?

He has a heart attack,

brought on by the stress

of knowing he's going

to die, and collapses;

collapses during a conversation with me

in nineteen minutes and thirty-one seconds.

I don't believe you, I

simply don't believe you.

We shall see, or rather, you

shall see; I have already seen...

All the hairs on the back of

my neck are standing on end!

Mine too, but not just the ones on the

back of my neck; it's one up, all up!

Kryten, replay out meeting with

Cassandra in your CPU and tell me if,

at any point, anyone

ever called me 'Rimmer'.

What?

At no point throughout the meeting

did anyone refer to you as 'Rimmer'.

In fact, we barely looked you.

That's just what I thought!

Cassandra said "Rimmer dies",

but it doesn't necessarily

follow that that means me!

Who does it mean then, your dad?

Look, Cassandra doesn't know the

future, she sees pictures of it.

She could have seen some other

guy die of a heart attack;

someone she's been

told is called Rimmer.

He's right.

All I have to do is find someone I can

introduce to Cassandra as 'Rimmer'...

and it'll be them that

stiffs out and not me!

Such lowlife conniving; its

impossible not to be impressed!

What I wouldn't give to

have your weasel gene, sir!

Now wait a minute!

Oh look, here's Mister Knot...

You made this area secure?

Yes, sir, Mister Knot, sir. Coffee, sir?

I've been asked by the Captain to

inspect the mainframe, where is it?

You idiot! What the hell

do you think you're doing?

Please, have my jacket, I insist!

Then I shall lead you to Cassandra.

There we are, sir, a perfect fit, sir.

Lead the way, Rimmer.

Don't call me 'Rimmer'!

That's your name...

Yes, but 'Rimmer'.. it's so full

of nobility and quiet courage;

call me 'arsewipe' or 'fishbreath', but

not 'Rimmer', sir, never 'Rimmer', sir.

Okay, arsewipe, whatever you

say. Now where's the mainframe!

Hello Arnold, bang on time.

I've brought you a visitor,

Cassandra. Do you know his name?

Yes, I do. Not -

- What?

- Not

- 'Knot'?

- Let me finish!

Not that it matters what his name is,

I mean, our relationship

doesn't last very long.

I understand you have

the ability to predict -

the future, yes, I do.

- A hundred percent reli...

- able, yes.

What happens to me;

do I get back to Earth?

No, you die in about four

seconds' time of a heart attack

after hearing the news that you're

going to die of a heart attack.

You filthy ly - Ack!

Poor Rimmer.

Yes, poor old 'Rimmer'.

My name is not -

Your name is not what?

Knot! Not...

Knot..!

Is he dead now?

I'm afraid so.

Yes!

He died of a massive

coronary, just as I prophesied.

Yes!

You seem inordinately happy, Arnold,

but why? You're going to die too.

But you said - I just...

I'm gonna die too?

I already told you: Rimmer

dies of a heart attack,

and then you and all the

other Canaries die too;

all except Lister, Kryten,

Kochanski and the Cat.

I've seen it.

That's as well as maybe,

but have you seen this?

Yes... I'm afraid I have...

You were right, there's nothing I can do.

According to Cassandra, our future

is decided and we four survive.

Therefore, while we're

here, we cannot die. Regard:

Duck sir!

Duck again, sir!

Just as i thought.

So, in other words, if I...

What was that for!?

You can't die!

Yeah, but I can still

feel pain, you smegger!

So how about this: we use our

'powers of invulnerability',

which will last until we return to

Red Dwarf, and surround Mister Rimmer,

escort him up to the Obs.

deck, and into the diving bell?

The diving bell! We've made it!

Where did he go?

Yo!

Hear that?

Water...

Kris, take cover, the water's coming!

Quick, the diving bell!

Great, everything's above us is flooded,

and now we're back down in the

bowels again with Cassandra!

It's coming true.

My death! It's all coming true.

You tried to cheat the future

and failed, as I knew you would.

So what happens now? How... How do I die?

Lister catches you

making love to Kochanski

and shoots you through the

head with a harpoon gun.

Can you just double-check that?

I've seen it, it's what

happens. In the old laundry room.

So let me just repeat what

I think you're saying...

Arnold, that's me, and

Kochanski, that's the woman,

the really attractive

one you saw earlier;

me and her were in bed, giving it

rizz, when Lister, that's the short,

dumpy one with the stupid

haircut, walks in and shoots me

through the head while I'm

making love with Kochanski?

That is what is going to happen.

Fantastic!

I can't believe what you're telling me..!

I can scarcely believe it myself.

I mean, obviously, you're

incredibly attractive;

I never thought you'd look at me twice!

Neither did I!

But, apparently, were gonna make love.

Unbe-smegging-lieviable

or what?

It's not warm in here, fancy a wee nip?

No, no, no, no.

But, why would I want to sleep with you?

I mean, it doesn't make any sense.

Maybe you get blind drunk?

Well that doesn't excuse

my other four senses!

Right, barely an hour to

go, shall we get started?

I mean, let's face it, you

can't change the future. Sadly.

But, you said, you could...

Yeah, I've changed my mind now.

Look, are you sure you wouldn't

like to play the opera game, instead?

Kris, it's what Cassandra

saw. You can't cheat fate.

Well, you just watch me,

because there's no way on earth

that I'm climbing out of my clothes,

and clambering into that bed.

My clothes are soaking!

Why don't you take them off,

and dry them on the heater?

It's coming true, it's all coming true...

It's coming true, it's all coming true!

Bud, you can't go back there!

Cassandra said Kris survives, and

the only way that's gonna happen is

if someone goes back in and saves her.

Chuck'us the harpoon gun, will you.

I'm not sure about this.

This is the first time

I've ever been seduced

by predeterminism theory.

One hour exactly...

Oh bloody, buggering hell!

Tonight must be the night

they put the clocks forward!

I've got it!

That's more than I did.

I've worked it all out.

I never get any breaks, ever!

Twenty seconds later

you could've been on top

and I could've used

you as a human shield.

I must have been mad, what

the hell was I thinking?

I felt sorry for you!

Look, will you shut up and listen to me?

No! Why aren't you mad

that I'm in bed with him?

'Cos i know why you're in bed with him.

and I also know that i don't kill him.

Aw, but Cassandra promised...

Cassandra made that up

to force you two together.

So that you'd feel sorry for him, and

hopefully end up sleeping with him.

So why did she say she saw it happen?

To try and make it happen.

But why?

To try and punish me!

Punish you? Why?

'Cos Cassandra knows, and has

always known, how she dies.

She's trying to make me

suffer now for something

that I'm destined to do in the future...

You kill her, don't you?

That's why she hates you.

Because she knows you're

going got kill her.

That's what this whole thing

was about. Kryten figured it out.

Kryten figured it out,

did he? Good old Kryten.

But did he really have to

figure it out quite so damn fast?

Would it have killed him to

take thirty minutes longer?

Ten minutes even? Two would have done.

I'm gonna take care of the

rest of it now. I'll, erm -

see you two lovebirds later...

Look, thanks for being with me tonight.

I can't think of anyone I'd rather share

my final hour with than

you, and I really mean that.

I'm not all bad, in fact, sometimes

I'm quite sweet and sensitive...

Bye.

- By the way?

- Mm-hm?

Is it okay if I keep these?

If the future's all

worked out, horoscopes,

all that stuff, it means

we're not responsible

for anything we do. It means

we're just actors saying lines

in a script written by someone

else. I don't wanna believe that.

I wanna believe I'm in charge

of my own life, my own destiny;

so I'm not gonna kill you,

Cassandra. I'm out of here.

But you do kill me, I've seen it.

Tomorrow's a new day. A fresh page

in a book that's not been written yet.

What happens in the future is up to me,

not some 'predetermined destiny' smeg.

I'll see you, kid-eh.

Smeg. Smeg...

The post's arrived.

Brilliant; a bit of excitement at last.

Good, eh? It's a beaut. One of

the structured collepsed on m' bed.

I think it was those beans.

Oh, the mail.

Haven't had a chance to

look. Anything from my mates?

Something catastophic, hideous.

He's found your guitar in Starbug's

wreckage and he's sending it here.

Brilliant!

Are you okay?

Of course I'm not okay!

I hate your guitar!

If I wanted to share a cell

with an irritating lump of wood

I'd have moved in with

an Australian soap star.

Hey-hey! The axe-man is back! You beaut!

Hang on! There's no strings!

They've confiscated the strings!

I feel like a man who leaps

out of a plane with no parachute

and lands in the hot-tub

at the Playboy mansion.

Why would they take my strings..?

It doesn't make sense...

Prison regs. You're not allowed

anything you can hang yourself with.

I wouldn't want to hang myself

if I had my guitar strings.

I think they were thinking of me.

Maybe my luck's changing...

at last, a break.

Oh, by the way; I forgot: for you.

"Because of the nature of your crime",

blah - blah - blah - blah -

blah, whr - wh - wh - wh - wh,

"we are willing to review your case"!

"For this process to be successful you

would need a record of good behaviour,

and accept the consequence that

a successful appeal would mean

similar amnesty for prisoner

colleagues in your situation. "

Yess!

You don't know what it's like, being

classified as a woman, sir. The humiliation.

I know, I know.

I mean, why should I, a Series

4000 mechanoid, have to endure

the turgid monotony of showering with the

girls? Three times a week! Tell me that!

It's not fair, I know! It's just that -

You shower with the girls?

Oh! It's so hideously

dull I can't describe it,

as they stand around soaping themselves.

Their bodies all wet and foamy.

Can you imagine it?

Oh my goodness, we've

been frozen in time again!

Hello?

Extraordinary! It must be a

warp in the time-space continuum!

How curious it isn't affecting me...

Oi, droid-boy, oi; next

time you're in the showers,

why don't you... y'know...

smuggle in a camera

and film 'em, eh? Yeah,

that'd be brilliant!

Oi, I haven't seeen a naked

woman since... well, ever.

Yeah, I'd pay you... wha'd'ya say?

No, I forbid it!

Yeah, me -

What?

It's voyeuristic,

exploitative, and immature.

All right, who are you? And what

have you done with our Rimmer?

Gentlemen, allow me to

clarify my position.

Morally speaking, using a hidden

camera in the women's showers,

taking shots of them sudding themselves with

mounds of foam, without their permission,

morally speaking, I'm speaking

morally here, I'm all in favour!

However, Listy has been invited to

appeal and a scam like this could ruin it.

Appeal?

Yeah, I'm appealing.

That's a minority view.

Look, if he's successful,

we can all be successful.

We've just got to be model prisoners.

Screw his appeal! I wanna see skin!

Yeah! Wha'd'ya say, bird-tray head?

Are you asking me to betray

the people I live with?

To ignore their humanity and

reduce them to mindless sex objects,

merely there for your

moronic titilation?

Yes, please!

If you'll excuse me, I

forgot who I was for a moment.

Wait, what you doing?

I'm a woman, and proud of

it. If you'll excuse me,

I'll with my fellow sisters,

doing it for ourselves!

I'm going to make this quick, and easy.

Last night, on D-wing, I

was beaten up, and mugged.

You have one chance. I'm going to turn

the lights off for precisely ten seconds,

during which I want whover took

it... to return my glass eye.

Kill the lights.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six -

I'm glad to see good sense prevailed.

I have a date with Miss Patricia

Carling from Supplies on Saturday night.

She thinks my eyes are my best feature.

If I go like this, I'M ONLY HALF LOVELY!

If it's not returned

within thirty seconds;

all Canary priviliges

suspended. One month.

I know who stole your left peeper, sir.

It was him, sir. I saw him playing

marbles with it this morning, sir.

Thank you, Rimmer.

Have you gone mad? You don't rat on

other inmates, its an unwritten law.

Look if it helps the appeal, what

else matters? 'Model prisoners'?

Would the sky really fall in if

people just tidied up a little?

Good evening. Tonight's scheduled

feature has been cancelled,

and replaced with a special,

live, pay-per-view event

brought to you courtesy of "Krytie TV"!

Transmitting live via

my optical receptors,

we bring you live, and

lithe, Womens Shower Night!

Are they really gonna show this?

No way! This is a joke, right? This isn't-

Oh, momma...

You know what this means, don't you?

There is a God?

They got to him, they reprogrammed Kryten.

If we get caught watching this

your appeal's dead in the water.

Forget the appeal.

I already have!

What about Kris? She's never gonna

believe I wasn't involved in this!

We've gotta stop it.

You're right, I want no part of this.

- Me neither.

- We've gotta go.

Right now.

Not a minute to lose.

I'm dust.

Me too.

After two. One, two, go!

And now, I'm gonna stare

at a cracked floor tile.

What's he doing that for!?

Remember, Shower Night is a pay-per-view

event. Start filling those buckets!

I can't believe this, he's

running it like a business!

There's even a bloke over

there selling ice-creams.

Never mind him. Now.

We've gotta go, right now.

I'm going, I'm going.

But now, lets get up-close and personal

with one of the shower-ees,

Miss Kristine Kochanski...

Fancy a choc-ice?

Okay; splendid. Later.

Mister Kryten; visitor, sir.

Kryten. Look, I know

Kill-Crazy's reprogrammed you;

turned you into a ruthless entrepreneur,

but I think I know how to change you back.

Well, keep it to yourself, sir.

I'll make it worth your while...

Can't you see what it's done to you?

It's made me rich, feared and respected.

I'm loving every minute of

it! I've just bought the rights

to the five-a-side soccer tournament today;

tomorrow, I'm hoping to get the boxing.

Ahhhh, Miss Kochanski! Good to have you

back, I have a little gift for you...

Ooh, another one?

Nothing's too good for you, ma'am!

You know you were worried about

picking up verrucas in the shower room?

Well, I have the perfect

solution; a waterproof pogo stick.

This has got to stop.

But the pogo stick could put the

ratings through the roof, sir!

Think of the money! Think of the show!

I'm crazy about her! I'm

not gonna let you do this.

Do what?

How do you think Kryten got all this?

"Shower Night Live". Oh God, is he

paying some of the girls to do this?

Who's that with the sponge?

That's me!

It replaced the Wednesday night movie.

I saw the whole thing; all three

terrible hours of it. It was awful.

Is that the time? I've got a

merchandising meeting in two minutes.

Heh, excuse me!

You are dead, nickel-hydrate breath!

And you!

What have I done?

You were there for three hours of it!

Yeah, but I didn't

enjoy it! I was outraged.

Why do you think I

only had one choc-ice?

How could you go along with this?

I'm only human. You were

completely naked, starkers, nude,

in the buff, totally

kit-less, no clothes on!

You've seen me with no

clothes on when we went out!

Yeah, but, I wanted to see

if anything had changed.

Why didn't you just ask,

instead of filming me in secret?

Because you'll have said 'no'.

Not necessarily. If I'd known

it meant that much to you,

that you needed to see me naked so badly,

I wouldn't necessarily have said 'no'.

You wouldn't?

No. Well, we're friends aren't we?

It never occured to me

that I could just ask.

Oh, you're such a great friend.

I love being your friend.

Kris..?

No! Not now, and now, not ever!

But you just said -

We're not friends any more...

The girls found out about Shower Night.

They attacked me, cleaned out

my system and kicked me out.

I've been reclassified as a man...

I feel terrible, sir, for

endangering your appeal.

It's not your fault,

Kryten, they got to you.

I presume you've heard the

news about Miss Kochanski.

What news?

- You haven't heard?

- Heard what?

- The news.

- What news?

You haven't heard the news?

Heard what news?

No one's told you?

Told me what?

About Miss Kochanski?

What about Miss Kochanski?

About Miss Kochanski and

her ex-boyfriend, Tim.

What about Miss Kochanski

and her ex-boyfriend, Tim?

- I can't believe you don't know!

- Know what?

No one told you?

Told me what!?

You mean to say that you're standing

there blissfully unaware of the news

about Miss Kochanski and

her ex-boyfriend, Tim?

What news about Miss Kochanski

and her ex-boyfriend, Tim!?

- I don't believe it.

- Believe what!?

Psh, tsk, I'm so traumatised no

one's had the guts to tell you

the horrible, terrible, terrible,

appallingly hideous, awful news!

I'm not sure I can even speak now.

Kryten, there's a two hundred foot

drop down there; now tell me the news.

Well, she's started

going out with Tim again.

He's taking her to the

Officer's Club tonight.

Her probation permits it,

providing she's back by ten.

Ohhh. This is all down to

that shower thing, isn't it?

You know what Tim's like,

sir. Impossibly handsome,

oozes charm, a great lover.

And you're just... you.

It's so unfair!

You must feel awful.

Well I do now! God!

You're taking this very well,

sir. I... I'm really impressed.

No I'm not, man, I'm falling apart.

I know that, but I was

just trying to cheer you up!

What can I do?

You've gotta deal with your grief, man.

Breakup is very much like a bereavement:

its usually followed by a

cremation and some sandwiches.

Look, they haven't seen

each other for ages;

they're only going out for a meal.

What's the worst thing

that could happen?

It's a tragedy.

What are you so bothered about?

I thought you hated the idea of

me and her getting it together?

That was the old me, sir. I've

grown and matured since then.

No, the new me wants you to have children

so I can iron those itty-bitty little socks!

And you're not getting any younger,

sir, and neither are your sperms.

I'm getting worried about those guys.

Any older and they'll need a Stanner

stairlift to get up the fallopian tubes!

So what do you propose?

We nail that horny stag and get

you and the divine Miss K together.

It's my way of saying 'sorry'.

But nothing that's going

to endanger the appeal...

First, we sabotage the date.

What, 'we'? You mean you're gonna help me?

Step on board the 'love express', sir!

Now, we get to his quarters

through the air vents;

I've paid off the guards. Then you

make him look like the nerdiest slob

in the entire universe: this is

what you leave in his quarters -

a half-eaten onion sandwich.

That's always a passion-killer.

Is it? I like those.

Then there's this:

"Morris Dancer Monthly".

What a total dweebo, nerdmeister

he'll look with those!

They're mine!

And then there's these: tragically

unfashionable underpants.

They're mine!

And finally: Christian rock music. It

that doesn't scare her off, nothing will.

Have you been going through my things?

And not forgetting...

A pair of scissors?

This is the piece de resistence...

"Frank Acissi and the

Apostles" - "Hyms in Rock" -

Some digestive biscuit...

The love assassin...

What Mister Lister doesn't know, of

course, is he's been set up by Krytie TV!

Shh! Here he comes now!

Mister Lister!

Kryten, is that you?

You trashed that room

because you believed

Miss Kochanski was

dating Tim, didn't you?

What, you mean she isn't?

Look who's quarters you really trashed...

You said the girls had

restored you back to normal!

Whoops! You've been Krytered!

I've wrecked Ackerman's quarters!

THE APPEAL!

But the surprises haven't

finished yet, here on Krytie TV,

because Mister Ackerman and his red

hot date are due back any second.

Sir, it's a race against time!

Start cleaning that room!

Sorry to keep droning on about

this, but what about THE APPEAL!

Smeg!

Oh smeg..!

Thanks for watching,

folks; see you next time!

There he is!

Kryten, come here a minute...

I was just trying to boost the ratings, sir!

Get him, and bring him back to the Tank!

It was nothing personal!

The appeal.

Oooohhhhh... YES!

"Dear Mister Lister, your

appeal has been successful"!

"From this day forth all inmates with

no record of violence or depression

will be allowed... to have

strings on their guitars"...

This appeal was all about guitar strings?

You didn't think it was about

getting out of here, did you?

You mean to say I've

been busting my balls

so you can have strings on

your lousy, stinking guitar?

You've been a brick, man.

And as a personal 'thank you',

I thought I'd write you a song...

I understand you played an idiotic prank

on a senior and much

respected officer yesterday.

That is just not true, sir. We played

a prank on Mister Ackerman, sir -

Oh, I see...

What happenned?

We inserted a capsule

of the truth serum,

sodium pentathol, into

his asthma inhaler, sir.

Ah, which is why he rushed

onto the bridge this morning,

apologised for being late,

saying he'd been having 'jiggy-jiggy'

with the Science Officer's wife,

and hadn't allowed enough time to

change out of his Batman outfit...

Permission to snigger, sir?

Permission refused.

May have to snigger anyway, sir...

Do either of you have anything to say?

About what, sir?

About Mister Ackerman! About him being

late, and wearing a Batman outfit?

Has he considered being Tarzan?

Costume change'd be much quicker.

You two are both serving a

two-year sentence in the brig.

Do you want to get out? Ever?

It's that Mister Ackerman's

so... horrible, sir.

I am not, sir! I'm extremely

nice! Lovely, in fact.

Warm; caring, but most of all, nice.

Hence my nickname: 'Nicey' Ackerman.

That's why I entered the service, sir;

so I could share my sunny disposition

with inmate scum who didn't

have my start in life.

Sir, he's been horrible since

the day we first met him:

Today, we have a new intake.

To them, I say: obey the

rules; keep out of trouble,

and you time here will pass much

more pleasantly. Welcome to Floor 13.

Seems like a nice guy!

If you want to speak, ask my permission.

I was just saying how nice you seemed!

You spoke again.

But I was paying you

a compliment, buddy!

I was saying how you seemed to be

a fair-minded, okay kind of guy;

not one of these psycho-types you

sometimes get running around prisons.

You spoke again!

Come on, dude, back me up!

Hang on, wait! I get it, I should shut

up! If I shut up they'll stop hitting me.

That is definitely the key!

That is totally untrue, sir!

Save it! Save it, Mister Ackerman.

I've thought long and hard

about a suitable punishment,

and I've come up with this:

you, and a team of your choice,

will play Basketball against a team

of guards led by Mister Ackerman -

God bless you, sir.

where you will be trounced and humiliated

in front of the entire inmate population.

But sir, if we lose, Baxter and

his cronies will beat us to a pulp!

You better win, then!

Okay guys, way to go!

- Where were you?

- Where was I?

You were supposed to be picking up Rice!

I did. We're meeting up

for drinks on Thursday.

Not that kind of 'picking up', you ninny.

Buddies, we've gotta stop

arguing, we can't lose this!

Got it all taken care of...

As soon as the guards swig

their half-time juice...

Yeah, the Skutters managed to smuggles

something out of the medi-lab for us,

y'know that stuff that helps impotent

guys put the zest back in their love lives?

'Boing!', the virility enhancement drug!?

That's the stuff, and we've

Mickey Finn'd their drinks.

Within seconds, you're harder

than a quadratic equation,

and, it doesn't wear

off for seven hours.

For seven hours those guys

are going to be like catapults!

That's going to seriously slow them down.

You're not kidding -

Try moving fast with a

fishing pole in your pants!

Get out there and kill!

They're lambs to the slaughter!

Go on, go get 'em!

Come on! Get your hands up!

Get your hands up, don't let

them shoot! Don't let them shoot!

Seven hours. Do you

know how long that is?

I couldn't remove my

shorts until after midnight!

When I wanted a leak I had to do

a handstand on the toilet seat.

I stopped the lift doors from

closing; I wasn't even catching a lift!

Where'd you get it, the medi-lab?

Yes, sir.

How? If it was one of those damn

Skutters I'm gonna have it crushed.

It was, er -

It was me, sir. When the

doc's back was turned.

I went up to the medi-lab for a

sicknote but the doctor thought

I was feigning illness. He didn't accept

it was possible to have Athelete's Hand.

First thing tomorrow you're

on spud-duty for two weeks.

Now get out of my sight, both of ya's...

Are we supposed to tip them? I'm never sure.

I've seen things more appetising

on the floor of elephant houses.

Only a total idiot would eat this.

They call this meat?

We're on a punishment menu now. No

chips, no ice-cream, just the basics.

Because we're on punishment detail?

Yeah. Kill Crazy reckons they give us the

cloning experiments that have gone wrong,

with some gravy slopped

over to disguise it.

You waited until I was swallowing

'til you said that, didn't you.

Ooohhhh, chicken vindaloo...

Nice one, Bob.

What about the poppadums, you

didn't forget them, did ya?

Ha haaa!

Poppadums...

Here's a little something for you...

Same time tomorrow!

Cheers.

Is that the Skutter who got you the

stiffening solution for the basketball game?

Yeah, he can get anything,

can Bob. 'A claw in every pie'.

Tomorrow we're on spud-duty, and

those knives are supposed to be

as sharp as a Chemistry

teacher's cardigan.

Do you reckon he can get us a

couple of good potato peelers?

Hang on, I'm on to something here...

Forget the potato peelers,

what we want is one of those programmable

viruses from the science block...

Programmable what?

Yeah, they used to be on... Z-deck...

I wonder if the nano's

have reconstructed them?

You can program them to do whatever

you want: eat potato skins, you name it.

So we could program them to eat the skins

off the potatos, and leave the rest intact?

We wouldn't have to lift a finger!

Two weeks of hell would

become 'potato paradise'!

Now remember, two entire battalions

went missing from this ship.

Vanished without trace.

We must stick together -

and remain constantly vigilant.

One minute, everything's fine,

then you lose concentration

for a split second, and you're all alone

and easy pickings for some hostile lifeform.

Oh, I know you think I'm a bit of a

fusspot when it comes to safety procedures,

but it's staying alert that

has kept us all - kept us -

Hello?

Oh Creator, I'm on my own...

Hey, buddy! We're in here!

What is the point of me giving

my 'stay alert, everyone' pep-talk

if no one is listening?

What?

Look at this.

What are they, Holl?

They look uncannily like something

you should be very, very afraid of.

- What?

- Mime artists.

The ones you get in those trendy town

centres, that chase you down the street,

and then freeze when you look at

them, and everyone laughs at you.

I've never seen anything

like this before.

A group of men who display

all the normal lifesigns,

but seem totally incapable of movement.

Never seen QPR play away, then?

'Tempus'; that's Latin for 'time'.

Latin? I didn't even know

the Romans built spaceships.

Somehow this device appears

to have caused Time to freeze.

Obviously, they used it erroneously.

Where did -

you come from? And how did -

you get hold of that? It's some kind of tem-

poral stor-

age unit -

Extraordinary!

Hey, this could be a great

device for settling arguments!

Don't mess -

with that thing, it can re-

lly screw -

ew-ew-ew -

you up!

It appears to be able to digitise Time,

and then download it and

store it on a hard drive.

This 'purer' Time can then be

uploaded into objects, or places.

To freeze people?

Er, technically they're

not frozen, ma'am,

merely operating in a

different 'Time stream'.

So you mean they're moving,

just incredibly slowly?

About the same speed as the

average Little Chef waitress.

That's why they don't appear

to be actually doing anything.

So, this device has the ability to

make Time come to a complete stop?

What else can it do?

What's happenned!?

Kryten, why are you so big, and

why do I suddenly feel like a Vimto?

Waahhhh! You gotta get me back to normal!

Do something! I can't go back like this!

Why not? You may only be three feet

tall but you're both as cute as buttons!

Eeuuur! What's happenned to my hair!?

And what's happenned to mine!

You look like the Turkish entry

in the Eurovision song contest.

It seems to have restored your hair to a

previous Time period to the rest of you.

Compensating:

Now its regressed your outfits

to a previous time in your lives!

And you still look like the Turkish

entry in the Eurovision song contest.

So, here's the question:

can you unfreeze these guys

but take them back in Time so they

have no memory of finding this?

I think so, ma'am. Why?

If we can smuggle

this back on Red Dwarf,

it can make our prison

terms pass in seconds!

Leave this to me. I have an

excellent place to conceal it.

Nice - one - Bob...

It's not working, is it?

Give it a bit of time to get going.

Look... look!

It's working on this one...

Yess!

And here's another!

Yess!

And another!

Yesss!

And another!

Fan-smegging-tastic!

Listy, we're on our way!

They're gonna do the

whole damn room in minutes!

Hey, what's happenned to your sleeve, man?

What?

Your sleeve; I didn't notice that before..?

My God, they're eating my clothes!

Well?

It wasn't me, sir, it

was him. He made me do it.

You Judas! I thought we'd

agreed to refuse to talk?

Just let me blame you first,

then I'll refuse to talk.

If I ever, ever, see

you in this office again,

then you're in the Hole,

is that what you want?

No, sir.

Well then, get out.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

You haven't been down to the medi-bay

to get this virus off, have you...

I probably shouldn't have

shaken your hand, sir.

- That was probably a mistake.

- Big mistake, sir.

I, um - we'll... We'll be going, sir.

Right now.

That's it! Two months! In the Hole!

Sir? What about my Athelete's Hand?

Now!

Straight after lunch, we zap the

ship with a two year download of Time,

and the records will show that we've served

our sentences, and are free to be released!

This machine's amazing! D'you

think it can do boob jobs, too?

Obviously, I'm just

thinking about the future...

You spilled my soup!

Sorry, Baxter! Non-bud! It was an accident!

Hot Bovril!

Aaaagghhh!

Look at him... the big lug. I'd

hate to clean the bath out after him.

He'd need a sander to

get rid of the tidemark,

and a leaf-vac to hoover the hair!

Fix him! Fix him with the Time wand!

Watch this!

'Ello!

Ehh? There's someone in here with us!

Yeah, it's that bloke sittin' next to you.

Who are you? What's your name?

They call me 'Birdman'.

Oh aye? Why's that?

Because he really likes instant

custard; why do you think?

This is Pete; 'E's nine years

old... which, in sparrow years,

is, er... nine years old.

So that makes him, er...

Nine..?

Nine, that's right! You

met him before, 'ave you?

Two months of this, God!

What's this?

What happenned to everyone?

It's like they're all frozen on the spot.

Yvonne McGruder went like

this when I tried to kiss her.

Hey, hey, this'll drive them crazy!

- Hey!

- Guys!

- Heyy.

- Oh, sirs!

Buddies!

This, is 'Birdman'.

And this is Pete.

We've found this machine that can digitise

Time, and we can release jets of it,

and we reckon it can make our

sentence pass in a nanosecond!

Hats off, sirs...

There's somethin' wrong with Pete...

What?

'E's gone all stiff!

He must have drunk the

guards' half-time juice.

Not that kind of stiff; he's dead!

The excitement of bein' free 'as killed 'im!

He really loved that bird, it was

only thing that kept him going.

I can't guarantee anything, sir, but I think

the Time Wand could bring him back to life;

make him young and strong again.

Watch:

Holy...

Smeg!

Where the hell did Barney's

ugly brother come from?

From Pete, sir. Birds are

descended from dinosaurs;

from the Theropod family.

I inadvertently reversed

evolution several million years!

There's an old Cat saying, which

has particular relevance here;

it goes something like

this: "we are all gonna die!"

Pete? Is that you, Pete?

Birdman!

Gezundtheit!

You want some seed..?

That's a 'no' then, is it?

What now, sir?

Follow the Rimmer-shaped blur!

What happenned to everyone?

It's like they're all frozen on the spot.

Hey, hey, this'll drive them crazy!

We've found this machine that can digitise

Time, and we can release jets of it

It seems to have restored your hair to a

previous Time period to the rest of you.

Fix him with the Time wand!

Watch this!

And this is Pete.

The excitement of bein' free 'as killed 'im!

I can't guarantee anything, sir, but I think

the Time Wand could bring him back to life;

make him young and strong again.

Watch:

Where the hell did Barney's

ugly brother come from?

From Pete, sir. Birds are

descended from dinosaurs;

from the Theropod family. I inadvertently

reversed evolution several million years!

Is that you, Pete?

Birdman!

What now, sir?

Follow the Rimmer-shaped blur!

Hey! Hey! Pete, eat me! Here!

Bob! Bob, catch!

Bob!

Bob!

Come on Kryten, hurry up!

Leg it mode, sir!

We've lost the time wand.

How the hell're we going to

get rid of that thing now?

We're finished!

Stop yelling, man, we've gotta

think our way out of this.

We're finished!

Shut up and get a grip, man!

Kryten?

Er, yes, ma'am?

How long, in the

normal course of things,

will it take for Pete to pass

the Time Wand out of his system?

Well, strangely enough, ma'am, I don't

have that information in my database.

My programmers, for some insane reason,

decided that 'dinosaur bowel

movement frequency' tables

wouldn't be required. Imbeciles!

Why? What's your suggestion?

Well, the quicker we get the

Time Wand back, the better, right?

Right.

Right. So, why don't we lure Pete into the

food bay and get him to eat some roughage!

Get a T-Rex to eat roughage?

Yeah! All-Bran, prunes, baked

beans on toast, that sort of stuff.

We've gotta keep this dinosaur

business quiet or we're dead.

Everyone on the ship will

have heard him by now.

But, sir, the crew are frozen,

operating on a different Time stream.

Now, if we can recapture

the Time Wand and turn Pete

back into a sparrow before the freeze

expires, no one need be any the wiser.

He's right. I just listened

to everthing he said

and I still ain't got a

clue what's happenning.

Right over, sir. We don't

want a gap. Right over.

Cow vindaloo? It's not gonna work.

Of course it's gonna work.

T- Rex's don't like curry.

Look, we've got nothing to lose.

And if the worst comes to the worst, and

the dino doesn't it, I'll scoff it myself.

That door's not gonna hold out much longer.

Don't put that stuff in,

you're gonna spoil the taste!

Here he comes!

It's loving it!

Maybe we should have made some

poppadums, gone the whole hog?

The whole hog? Like it wasn't

hard enough getting the whole cow?

I think he wants a lager.

It was a hot one, but with it being

a dino I thought it could stand it!

The Time freeze on

the guards must have...

If only those buttons

were more clearly marked!

The rules about dinosaurs aboard

JMC mining ships are very clear.

No pets. Am I right? Am I right!?

Yes, sir.

Have you any idea the

damage that thing has caused?

Sir, if you could just let us -

And do you know what happens

when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo,

and then eats two and a half

tons of mint-choc ice cream,

followed by four hundred crates of orange

ice-pops, and swills the whole thing

down with two thousand gallons of a popular

fizzy drink? Do you know what happens?

It burps?

Oh, it burps. And do you know what

happenned to the poor brave men

who had the misfortune to

get in the way of that burp?

They went 'phwoooarrr!'?

It took out the entire platoon, hurling

them twenty feet across the cargo bay wall.

Do you know what happens when

a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo,

two and a half tons

of mint-choc ice cream,

followed by four hundred

crates of orange ice-pops,

and swills it all down

with two thousand gallons

of a popular fizzy

drink, after it's burped?

It feels sick?

Oh no! It doesn't feel

sick, Rimmer, it is sick!

Five of our best men nearly drowned!

Two others are in hospital, concussed by

pieces of carrot the size of tree trunks.

We are really, deeply,

deeply, deeply sorry, sir.

Do you know what happens when a

dinosaur has eaten cow vindaloo,

then eats two and a half tons of

mint-choc ice cream, followed by -

Oh god, it didn't?

It didn't what, Lister?

It didn't get a diarrhea attack, did it?

One hundred percent correct!

And, do you know what happenned to the

battalion that was sneaking up on the beast,

from behind, of which I was a proud member?

Do ya know? Do ya know what happenned?

Yes, sir. A fair idea, sir.

A tidal wave. Fifteen feet high. I will

be in therapy for the rest of my life.

I've had twelve baths,

and three showers.

Now, do you have anything to say?

Yes, sir, I think you missed a

bit up your left nostril, sir.

No one knows how to work this thing.

It is sedated in the cargo bay,

turn it back into a sparrow!

Sir, erm, what about Bob? Did he show up?

Who the hell do you think landed on

my head? He is in repairs, being oiled.

Bring back the sparrow, and, if

you try anything smart, you're dead.

Yes, sir.

And, if I ever, ever, ever,

see you in this office again,

you are finished. See ya in ten minutes?

See ya in ten minutes?

See ya in ten minutes?

See ya in ten minutes?

See ya in ten minutes?

See ya in ten minutes?

Did you get punishment duty too?

I've got to iron eight-hundred

prison smocks. I don't understand...

Why do you get punishment

duty and I get a reward?

Eight-hundred! Bliss!

Did you see the Captain's report?

The one lying open on his desk?

See what it said about you?

He used the word 'imbecile'

four times in one sentence.

Oh yeah? What were the

other words in the sentence?

Just your name, and a dash.

I don't know, you make a

couple of tiny mistakes,

you give the Captain a virus

that eats all his hair off,

then you accidentally turn

a sparrow into a dinosaur

and you never hear the last of it!

Pssshhhhh. He really

thinks I'm an imbecile?

I'm finished, I'm never going

to make it into High Command now.

It's just the people who know

you who think you're an imbecile.

Everyone else thinks you're a moron.

He is a good Captain, though, Captain

Hollister, isn't he, eh? On the ball. Quick.

Quick? The only time he's quick

is when he's passing a salad bar.

You do admire him though, don't you?

Admire him? A man who has his own cinema

pick-and-mix factory in his quarters?

A man who has a walk-in fridge? Who lists

as his hobbies 'chewing' and 'swallowing'?

You did tell me once before,

though, you do respect him, don't ya?

Respect him? A man who's family crest is

made up of two cream buns and a profitarole?

A man who's idea of a light snack -

- He's standing behind me, isn't he?

- Yes, he is.

I was just talking about you, sir.

I was saying what a big fat

lump of blubber I think you are,

and how that potato virus

I contracted yesterday

doesn't appear to have had any

strange side-effects whatsoever -

You forgot this. You

left it in my office.

D'you have any idea the damage that this

could cause if it got into the wrong hands?

LOOK AFTER IT!

You're there, I know you're

there, you little sod!

Come on, out! Out!

There's a mouse under here, its been

scuttling around for about ten minutes.

It's not a mouse, ma'am, it's Archie.

Archie?

My penis. It must have escaped.

You know, I'm really going to

have to get my ears syringed;

do you know what that

sounded like to me?

I made one.

Forget my ears, maybe my whole brain

needs syringing... You made one?

Mmm. Out of an old electron board, a

loo roll, some sticky-backed plastic

and an Action Man's polo-neck jumper.

Kryten, why do you want one?

It's so humiliating, being

posted to the Women's Wing

just because I'm genitally challenged! So

I decided to make one like Mister Lister's.

Little rascal must have got bored

jumping in and out of his hoop

and made a break for

it during the night.

No wonder I couldn't lure

him out with a bit of cheese.

This whole thing's making sense now.

Just leave this to me, ma'am.

Here, Archie! Here, boy!

There he is!

Kryten, do you realise what this means?

No, ma'am.

It means you're a real man.

It does? Why?

Because now, like all men, you have

absolutely no control over your penis.

I'm so proud!

Archie, come back!

All right, girls? New Canary mission.

What?

Un-tamed dino on the loose!

We're not going in 'till

we know what we're doing.

That could take years...

You... point that thing at yourself

and you could end up as a - a - sperm!

Is that what you want?

Hell no! None of my suits will fit!

Well, if that gizmo thing don't work,

Captain says we gotta go

in and 'ave that thing.

And we ain't usin' no guns.

Yeah, huns are for wusses. It's

gonna be hand-to-hand combat.

A fistfight with T-Rex..?

Yeah, but them T-Rexes, mate...

only got little arms, in't they...

ain't got no reach... Yeah,

I'll just pick it off...

Bosh!

Oh my god..!

What!

Something's wrong!

What d'you mean, man?

Something's inside me

and it wants to get out!

Oh my god!

Aaaarrggg! Help!

What is it?

I think it's Archie, sir.

It's who?

He escaped earlier,

probably followed us.

Must have dozed off in the

Cat's pocket and just woken up.

Who the smeg is Archie?

Oh, don't be alarmed, sir. It's

just my penis is on the loose.

Yaaarrrggg!

We, want a barny with Barney, don't

want any sane people spoilin' it...

Death... or glory... yee-harr!

Hang on guys, come on, wait a minute...

This thing's useless!

Say goodbye to your teeth...

Something's not right... we're gettin'

our butts kicked and it doesn't hurt..?

See, look, I'm not even bleeding.

You're right...

According to this, sirs,

they've put your bodies

on a different Time

stream to the rest of you.

Let's go!

You lost the Time Wand?

We were ambushed, sir.

By whom?

Well, first of all by Kryten's -

Harummph!

and then we were jumped by -

Harummph!

sir.

That's it?

Okay. No more 'Mister Nice

Guy', no more second chances.

You get that Time Wand back,

you get that sparrow back,

and if you step out of line one more

time, one more time, you're dead!

Do you understand?

What was that?

I th-

What the hell is going on?

The effects of the fight,

they've caught up with us!

Get out of here, both of you! Out!

Gettin' that Time Wand back could take

forever, and they could zap us with it,

and turn us into anything!

I don't think getting it back

is gonna be much of a problem...

It's gonna go wrong, isn't it.

Look, all I've gotta do is press 'undo',

and the Time Wand will retrace its steps,

and undo everything its done so far.

This way we'll even get Birdman back.

Something's gonna go wrong,

it always does for us.

Will you relax?

Birdman's boots. Now to

get the rest of him back.

Pete ate me. He ate me.

He must be really out of sorts,

he's never eaten me before; never.

Pete!

You want some seed?

Now, destroy the Time Wand.

This machine's priceless!

Destroy it!

What are we gonna do now?

Now... rebuild... the Time

Wand, it's absolutely priceless!

Stop that dinosaur!

It's gone in the lift, its gone in the lift!

Get it back, get it back! Get it back...

Ooh, that coconut milk felt great...

Oh, I'm such a wreck...

Mmmm... ooohhhh... aahhh, oh, that's great.

Ohh, there's a certain roughness about

your touch that really hits the spot!

The Hole, sir...

.Come in...

..Come in...

..Come in!...

Can I come in, sir?

I did knock, sir, perhaps

you didn't hear me?

Your hot lemon, sir.

God-damn yellow fever. I've still got that

jowly, flabby, puffiness around my cheeks.

Wasn't that there before your illness, sir?

Yes, I'm sure it was, because -

Let me tuck you in, sir.

How's life on probation? Fouled it up yet?

Enjoying it, sir.

Some directives for you to sign, sir:

What's this 'Space Core Free Pardon'

exonerating you of all crimes doing in here?

I'm so sorry, sir, it's just,

if I've got a record, I'll never become

an officer and command my own ship.

Another ambition achieved...

You think I could become

an officer, one day, sir?

Look, it gives me no pleasure

telling you this, Rimmer,

but I'm sorry, you're

just not officer material.

'Not officer material', sir?

If you wanna take my advice

you'll redirect your energies

and find something that you have

a genuine chance of succeeding at.

Like what, sir?

So you're saying I'm never going

to become a Captain, sir? Never?

They said it was okay to drop by...

Talia? We-ll, hi!

Hi!

Ah, Rimmer was just leaving...

I can't believe we've run into one

another again after all this time!

Well, the nanobots must have resurrected

you, too! You look... wonderful.

You made Captain; you've done so well.

Your own ship... wow! I've got goosebumps.

The photograph of your wife, sir?

Is it okay where it is or should

I turn it so it's facing the wall?

Dismissed, Rimmer.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Nothing I can get you, ma'am? Tea? Coffee?

Packet of three..?

He thinks I'm an imbecile, he really does...

Ha ha. Me, an imbecile!

Alert, alert! A choccy-nut bar, a choccy-nut

bar has been removed without payment.

A choccy-nut bar has been removed

without payment. Alert, alert!

Shut up!

No, shan't. Alert, alert!

If you don't shut up, I'll pour beef

soup into your speaker and you'll drown.

Take your hand off m' speaker then.

Promise to shut up?

Promise.

Ha ha ha haa! I had m' circuits crossed!

Alert, alert! Chocolate abduction

on floor three-four-one. Alert -

Ooh, I say, you w'll, you

will not get away with this,

I may not be able to see you but

I know your taste in confectionary!

And I also, I also know, I also know, ha

haa, erm, no, in fact that is all I know,

just your taste in

confectionary, but no matter,

because one day I'll

hear your voice again

and I'll expose you for the

chocolate thieving dog you are!

I'm really scared! I'm being

threatened by a dispensing machine!

What are you gonna do, leave a horse's

head made out of marzipan in my bed?

"Oh, mummy, help, help,

help! I'm really scared!"

Rimmer..?

You forgot your tray...

Thank you, sir.

He stole some chocolate! He stole s -

You are my nemesis... one day,

our paths will cross again,

and I... I will destroy you...

And on that day, I will be

the Captain of this ship.

It's okay for Mister

cushy-working-for-the-Captain-now,

but what about me? All that damned rock!

My back's killing me,

bud! Look at my spine,

it's so curved, if you

threw it away it'd come back!

Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, rock! I ain't

used to work! But what job do they give me?

Er, something to do with rocks, sir?

Exactly. You know what

they've got me doing?

I've got to put all the rock

albums on the P.A. system.

I've got to change those suckers

once every forty-five

minutes! I'm a physical wreck!

Probation's killing me, buds..!

What's that?

Oh, it's just a present to

help cheer up Miss Kochanski.

What, a calendar?

Mmm. A couple of days ago she

was looking at the old calendar

and she said it was the wrong time

of the month, so I got her a new one.

I'm going to tell her, the

calendar people made a mistake,

but let's just leave this whole

'wrong month' thing behind us;

they were stupid, it was careless,

but being grumpy and tearful about it

is getting it way out of proportion.

A little word in your audio receiver:

And this happens to all women?

They become cranky and weird,

and yet you never see

this in films or on TV...

and men are supposed to be

in control of the media..!

This is the biggest

cover-up since Watergate!

Relax, its not a big deal. I'll tell

you what to do and how to behave;

everything. Just trust me.

Ta-daaaa!

Thank goodness for Mister Lister!

I nearly made such a fool of myself.

A little present ma'am.

All gift-wrapped.

I hope I chose the right size...

Dave told you to do this, didn't he.

Ohhh, isn't he wonderful?

Oh yeah. Sometimes he's so

cute I could just eat him.

He explained everything to me

so I wouldn't embarrass myself.

Come on then, open it!

I want you to try it on.

Maybe you could do a little twirl in it?

Kryten, how can I put this..?

Is there something wrong, ma'am?

He set me up, didn't he.

This is absolutely the wrong thing

to do when a woman is having a...

Is the banner wrong, too?

He was lying!

I've been duped by a master craftsman.

Well, two can play at this game!

Oh yeah? What do you have in mind?

Well, are you sure you

have time for this, ma'am?

I realise the next few days

are very special for you.

Just tell me your plan

for getting Dave back!

Right, here's my idea...

That's Holl, he must want something.

Thought you might like to hear some hot

off the press, official insider information.

There's gonna be a cell inspection in

about ten minutes. Keep it under your hat.

Cell inspection in ten minutes.

Told you.

Thanks, Holl, it was most helpful.

See you in about twenty-five years, then.

Why's that going off?

It's from Kryten: "Look

under the draughts board".

Another note...

"Dear Mister Lister, thanks for your

wonderful advice regarding Miss Kochanski.

In return, I thought

I'd steal Baxter's stash

of illegal hooch and hide

it in... your shower"!

"I am laughing as I write this knowing

your cell is about to be searched,

and imagining the panic

now gripping your soul"!

- Oh my god!

- Oh god!

What the hell are we gonna do? We've

got an inspection in five minutes!

We're on probation!

Down the loo; down the sink.

Baxter's gonna kill us if he

finds out we're doing this!

The Captain's gonna kill us if we don't!

Smeg, the tank's full!

What're we gonna do? We've

still got two bottles left!

We're gonna have to drink it.

Look, do you wanna get caught in

possession of illegal hooch? Get drinkin'.

Have we got any mixers?

You are wetter than a driving

instructors handshake, aren't you.

Get it down your gob!

What's it like?

It's okay...

In-spec-tion!

On your feet...

Stand by your bunks...

You're drunk.

Drunk, shir?

No, sir.

Absolutelly not, sir, no. No, no. No.

Who fancies a kebab?

Oh yeah!

Me, sir, me!

Oh smeg... he's shticked us.

Musht've been tshe jshelly

shtrifle for lunch, shir.

Told him not to go

back for seconds, sir.

Call the medi-bay; we

need two stomach pumps.

Super-suck...

It's Baxter...

Your two mates stole my hooch;

and when they get out of hospital,

and there's no guards about, this

is what's gonna happen to them...

You're gonna squeeze their rolls?

That's irritating, but hey, in

many ways they'll be quite relieved!

What've I done!?

Baxter's out to mash you...

you've got to escape. We all have.

Security's lax, here.

If we can make it to the landing bay, and

steal a ship, well, Bob's your Skutter!

Where's the Cat?

He should be getting himself

hospitalised any second.

We can't hang around, we've gotta

be out of here by five o'clock!

What's so special about five o'clock?

Five o'clock's bed-bath time!

And apparently, I'm doin' them!

The microbe, which destroyed

the Hermes, it's on Red Dwarf!

How?

The microbe's chameleonic, so

it must have been the escape pod;

the one Talia whatsername arrived on.

We've gotta go back and tell them.

But what about our escape?

It could be days before

they discover this!

If we go back now, they've got

a chance to work on an antidote.

You're just acting all brave and

manly to impress her, aren't you?

No, Dave's right. He's

looking at the big picture.

Yeah, 'the big picture' involves

you, no clothes and a haystack.

Red Dwarf is being devoured from

within by a corrosive micro-organism.

As you probably know, we don't have

enough craft for everyone to be rescued,

so most of you will be

staying behind to die.

Oh, there's an apology about

that in the internal mail.

Just as I thought. Created in a lab

and programmed not to destroy glass.

So all we need is a plutonium powered

greenhouse and we're home free!

We need an antidote.

Something that can neutralise the

corrosive negativity of the microbe.

Something with a corrosive positivity?

So where do we get that?

There's nothing in Yellow Pages.

A mirror universe! A universe where things

are diametrically opposite to this one.

There, negative becomes positive,

and a virus becomes an antidote.

If there's even the slightest

imperfection in the prism,

the mirror universe may be an

imperfect version of our own.

That's something we won't

know until we get there.

It's overloaded! We've lost Mister Rimmer!

At last, things are looking up!

How long's it going to

take to fix that thing?

Well, best guess, about twenty minutes.

Can I come in, sir?

I did knock, sir, perhaps you didn't hear?

Here's your hot lemon, sir.

Thank you, erm... Private... nobody.

Oh, er, a few directives to sign, sir.

Of course, laddie.

A free pardon, exonerating

you from all crimes?

Oohhh, I don't know how that

got in there, sir, I, er... I...

Want to be an officer, don't you, laddie?

Oh, sir, could I? One day, could I be?

No, I don't think you could.

Of course, it's a mirror

universe, everything's opposite...

My God... this is gonna

take some getting used to...

They said it was okay to drop by...

You look wonderful...

So do you...

That'll be all, shambles.

Yes, sir.

You made Captain -

You've done so well. Your own

ship... wow! I've got goosebumps.

So have I!

Let me kiss you.

What are you doing!?

I'm giving you a big, wet snog,

with oodles of Tommy-tongue!

But I'm your sister!

Yes, of course, but I was really

pleased to see you. I, erm...

You French-kissed me!

No, it was nearer Antwerp.

I Belgium-kissed you.

I - I - I... urrrgghh... I've been

really ill... You're the Captain's sister?

Oh, my god, what a terrible dream!

Oh, hi, sis! It's me, Arnie, your bro!

Get your big ol' lumpy bum

down here and give'us a big hug!

Captain Rimmer!

I am Sister Talia Garrett;

your personal spiritual advisor!

Sis! Sister... whoever you are!

Oh, smeg!

- Excuse me?

- Yes?

I wonder, could you tell me what this is?

You'll have to ask the professor, then.

He does all that stupid,

sciencey brain-box type stuff.

Somebody call?

Professor!?

Yes, Captain?

Perhaps you could help me. What's this?

Hmm.

Hmmm, its an alkali.

Oh yes? What's it called?

Soliciumfrankolithicmixyalebidium

rixydixydoxydexydroxide.

You look surprised.

I never thought I'd ever hear you say that.

Can you write it down for me?

Certainly. Can I have an extremely

long piece of paper, my dear?

The antidote; I did it!

Wha - Where is everyone?

They've repaired the machine and

crossed into the mirror universe.

You're the highest ranked

crewmember left on the ship,

so I suppose that makes you

Captain, congratulations, Cap.

Smeg off!

Where are you going?

To make up a formula!

I think you'll find that

the formula on that paper

has now turned into the

formula for the virus,

because you've left the mirror universe,

so it's turned back into its

opposite, ha ha ha haa haaaa!

Smeg, you're right! This is a disaster!

No, there still could be a happy ending.

How?

You know that chocolate

bar you still owe me for?

You could always pay me

back before you snuff it.

How's that a happy ending?

Well, its a happy ending for me.

At least my totals will tally.

Why don't you smegging-well smeg off,

you annoying little smeggy smegging smegger!

Every dog has its day,

and today's the day...

..that I'm the dog!

Smeg...

Arnold Judas Rimmer. Your

life is over. Come with me.

We will travel to the River Styx,

where you will place a coin in the -

Not today, matey!

Remember: "only the good die young".

That's never happened before...