Testing... 1 2 3
In the beginning I created
the heaven and the earth.
Turn down the bass!
Now the earth was unformed...
Cut the echo!
And darkness lay upon...
Enough with the pyrotechnics!!
THE GOSPEL ACCORDlNG TO GOD
In the beginning I created
the heaven and the earth.
Then I created death.
And then... a million years
of errands:
Iights... suns...
galaxies...
oceans... rivers...
and evolution from frogs legs
to these baboons
without fur and fleas.
I mean you...
and me too, I guess.
And ever since... one long
catatonic rest on the balcony
with the beer, the cigarettes,
the Prozac and my son...
Sort of...
Post-creation depression.
So, who was thinking of you
on September 4th, 2001?
I was expecting
"The Orthopedic Hour"
on The Shopping Channel.
I wanted to see and buy
a new pair of slippers.
Two killed and dozens wounded
in a suicide bombing at
a shopping mall's entrance.
The bomber was halted
by a security guard
who was killed while
preventing a greater carnage.
Riots erupted in Bethlehem...
Come here... Iook!
Over there?
Behind the pharmacy?
That's where you were born.
It was... What's the date today?
-September 4th, 2001.
So 2000 years ago...
plus... Let me work this out...
Simple! On December 25
you'll be 2001! -Nice, Dad.
Call Pius... Pius the what?
-The twelfth.
The twelf.
-The twelfth.
Just call him!
Did his Sublimeness call me?
What can I do for his Excellencious?
Get me my Visa, my cell-phone
and the pills. Now!
... To improve your posture
and protect your feet
The Orthopedic Hour
offers you a wide range
of solutions at very low prices.
To help you feel better.
This pair of slippers
is today's highlight.
Just look at these slippers:
Chic flannel, outside and in,
cuddling your feet in comfort.
Zip-up... ankle-high...
Great for getting through mud!
There's never mud here, Dad.
There's even no weather here.
The price of these slippers
is only 8,900 Visa points...
8,900 points?!
I'd rather go down to Jerusalem
and buy a pair at Castro's
for half the price.
-Nice, Dad.
How many times have I asked you
to cut the pyrotechnics?
Did you bring the pizza?
-No.
The duty angel said it was urgent
and gave me this Hezbollah outfit.
He gave me this letter...
Are you God? - Yes. Why?
God from "ln the beginning
God created," etc. - Yes. Why?
I thought God was less human...
more infinite...
I was infinite once...
I was omnipotent, immanent...
Dad! If the pizza is with anchovy,
I don't want it.
I can't believe it!... Jesus?
Jesus? The son of...
You say that I am.
Jesus as in "Jesus Christ!"?
What does
Nostradamus want now?
So where are the holes
in your hands? The long hair?
Dad says that Jesus
without the long hair
is like Michelangelo's
David without his d*ck.
Resurrection? Now?
Gotta go now.
The guys
back at base won't believe it:
God wearing a robe.
And Jesus?
A big-time disappointment!
That's it, Son. You're going down!
-Why? What happened?
Damn this suicidal outfit!
I'm resigning!
Come here. Read it.
Dear God. On January 1, 2002
your son (Jesus)
will go down to Jerusalem
for the last time
to perform the Resurrection.
- Pius! Listen!
Your son will perform
the following:
A preliminary destruction,
raise of the dead,
and eternal peace on earth.
Please report to me immediately.
Eternally yours, Nostrodamus.
Nice, isn't it?
-You believe this Nostrolog?
No, my darling.
But I am... Who??
Gee... O... Dee.
But the King of Kings
must take his pills.
Remind me to cancel
the preliminary destruction.
Watch your hands.
Watch your head.
Apocalypse? Now?
Without Armageddon first?
as if it's "Resurrection for all".
As if preliminary destruction
isn't meant to rid us
of undesirable elements: black...
yellow... Asians... Jews...
The "Resurrection package"
lncludes 4 points. -ltems!
Items? O.K. 4 items:
1. Preliminary destruction.
2. Raising of the dead.
3. Resurrection.
4. Eternal peace.
Will this include everybody
or just Christians?
This time we're going for broke:
Christians, Muslims,
Buddhists... Jews...
Even blacks...
if that's o.k. with you.
Scumbag!
I'm everybody's God!
Say... Can I delete an item?
Sure. After all, you're...
-God, I know.
Einstein said:
"God doesn't play dice."
What's the relevance?
None. I just love talking.
Cancel the preliminary destruction.
Keep Satan out of the picture.
She's new on the job. I don't want
to fire her, like I fired Lucifer
who exaggerated between 1 933-1 945.
He took advantage of the fact
That I was on vacation...
I needed to recover
from the 1 9th century.
I rented a shack in Capernaum,
no radio...
no newspapers...
Jesus was walking
on the Sea of Galilee...
Dad, you're digressing.
-Digressing? Me?
Preliminary destruction - out!
-Yes!!
You realize the boy isn't ready?
Which boy?
-My boy.
This is...? I remember him...
Curly... this high...
No, you don't!
When I go down to earth,
what do I do in case
of a "true" Resurrection?
Any chance you have
a manual for messiahs?
A manual? I happen to have
a messiah-training institute
for exactly this event.
Please, please... follow me!
The bald one in the robe is God.
The lousy dresser is Jesus.
Act as if it's...
God and Jesus!
Come on, Albert! E = M?
...C squared!!!
First, I'd like to introduce Luke,
who wrote my favorite gospel.
He'll teach Jesus selected
chapters of his life story.
I hope the King of Kings
and his son will forgive my outfit.
I was in the jacuzzi
when Nostrodamus called...
Sheraton Bombay?
-New York! Really!...
And this is Thomas Torquemada,
head of the Spanish lnquisition,
and now a physical fitness expert.
He'll teach Jesus
the art of suffering...
And nation shall not bear what?
-Swords.
Always at the service
of The Father, The Son,
and The... something!
Scum! Remind me to take him
off the list of the risen dead.
"And in the end of days..."
What does he want?
I burnt 100,000 Jews for him.
"And nation shall not..."
And this is Joan of Arc.
She'll teach him messianic trance,
self-hypnosis, mass-hypnosis,
alternative medicine. Right?
-Yes.
I can't believe it:
I'm facing God and the messiah.
My Joan... My Arc!
I still remember you
fighting those windmills...
With Sancho Pancho.
How is he?
Dad tires very easily.
How nice.
And last but not least:
Mama Theresa!
What's Beaten to ploughshares?
She'll teach Jesus grace and...
Their spears or swords?
Their spears!
How's your mother?
She's fine. You should visit her.
They moved to Paradise Heights.
And the wolf dwells with...?
-Lamb...Iamb!
O.K. Jesus needs to go now...
And the leopard?
-The kid!
Say your goodbyes now.
My sweet Jesus. All I ask you
is to go down once in 2000 years,
perform a small Resurrection,
raise the dead
and if this doesn't work out,
go to Castro's in Jerusalem...
Those slippers?!
Dad. If you want new slippers,
I'll get you new slippers.
Gee... O... Dee.
What will The leopard do
with The kid?
Will lie.
In future tense:
will lie, will laugh, will die...
Tell me! If I want...
If I'd like to pray for my son...
who could I pray to...?
WELCOME TO HELL
"300 Scottish castles in 80 days"
I don't want your f**king tours!
-You don't have a f**king choice.
Last call to passengers
chosen for the tour:
"A TOUCH OF CURRY:400 Indian
restaurants in 2 weeks ".
I want to talk to Satan now!
Can't you see I'm busy?
Hell. Satan's Office.
Lilith speaking...
Yes, sweetheart.
Hold a sec.
Smoking is strictly forbidden.
Offenders will be sent to:
600 days of Coconut and Aloha
tour in Hawaii.
Cut the crap!
Our man in heaven.
Pius? Pius the what?
-The twelfth.
My dear Pius the twelfth...
So what's going on?
Listen to this:
He's doing the Resurrection
and canceling
the preliminary destruction.
Good morning to thy,
King of Kings.
Did he sleep well?
-Shut up and give me the paper!
Will His Holiness take the Prozac
and Valium with the Alka-Seltzer?
Listen, Pius... Pius the what?
-The twelfth.
"God spotted in Countdown Dept.
Rumors: God is planning a mustache!
"Nostrodamus issues denial,
says: God knows.
So what am I supposed to do?
Shall I grow a beard?
Shall I dye my hair white?
Create a world?
Stop talking to myself?
Maybe retire when
I'm still at the top?
And besides... what is love?
And who the hell created it?
Me??
Not you, my sweet. How are you?
From Hell to here - 126 seconds...
It's a new record!
It's no big deal.
Hell is getting closer to Eden
by 2mm every decade
so by the end of the 3rd millennium
Eden will be hell...or vice-versa.
I hear a Resurrection is brewing
behind my back?... -Correct.
And the preliminary destruction
is off the agenda?... -Correct.
As if your son is going to pull off
this raising of the dead business
and bring eternal peace
and all that bulls**t...
It's not fair...
And you know it.
Please, God. A preliminary
destruction... Pretty please...
Calm down, sweetheart.
Did you take your pills?
Think of what we had
in the previous century:
2 world wars and the promos
for the 3rd: Nagasaki, Hiroshima...
That was the previous Satan's work.
I want a destruction of my own.
Think of what you've done
since I appointed you:
Besides, after the Resurrection
Hell will be out of business.
At last, you'll be able
to go back to T el-Aviv.
Maybe you'll find a husband.
Be a dental hygienist again.
And besides, what is love?
Ben-Yacov's residence. Joseph
speaking. -Can I talk to Mari?
Who is it, please?
-Cut the crap, Joseph, it's God.
It's for you.
It's him!
How are you?
What's happening?
Our boy is finally going down.
The Resurrection has arrived!
Wow! Gee!...When?
When will it happen?
Early in the morning
of January 1st, 2002.
Very early... around 4 A.M.
And... Get to the point!
Well, he won't be able to be
with you on New Year's Eve.
It's the same story every time.
Since we agreed he
spends holidays with me,
you do everything to ensure
he won't make it.
He missed New Year's Eve
at the end of the millennium
because you put him
on Resurrection Alert.
And Christmas two years ago...
What was your stupid excuse?
That our son has developed
an allergy to pine-tree needles.
And before that? You told me he
went shopping with Santa Claus.
Santa Claus!
As if there's such a thing!
Calm down, Miriam... Maria...
And now what? The Resurrection?
Can't it be postponed a few hours?
No. It's Determinism, etc.
Deter... gents, my a**!
You're sending our son
to some lousy Resurrection
just that he won't see
his mother!
I'm not responsible
for everything.
I don't run the world...
Well, I do, but...
Let me tell you why you do it:
You're afraid to be left alone.
You're afraid that he'll finally
get a square meal at our place...
that he might meet
his classmates from Nazareth...
and maybe, god forbid,
he'll meet a nice girl...
and your worst nightmare
will come true:
You'll be stuck for eternity
on your lousy balcony,
in front of the shopping channel
and the silly puzzle...
Stupid cow!
What's the matter?
Did someone upset you?
T ell me and I'll take care of them.
Isn't that what I'm here for?
A wise Jew wrote a story, titled:
"What do we talk about
when we talk about love? "
Carver wasn't Jewish.
It doesn't matter. What matters is
that we don't know.
Who created love?
Where does it go?
We don't know anything about it.
-And the point is...?
What's left of it?
Just longings. Pathetic longings.
Longings for Maria
as she was in the 1st century B.C.
A virgin... 16 years old...
almond eyes... oriental...
Alright, my dear pedophile.
What's your point?
The point is that I can't find
what I'm looking for here.
Just all sorts of plucked angels...
Tortured martyrs
with hairy moles...
Post-traumatic saints
with cellulites and...
Bye, now. -Wait a minute!
Are you familiar with Joan of Arc?
No!
I hope you find her...
and have a good time with her...
and you'll get to know her...
and everything will be fine...
and you will stop nagging...
He said he's going to cancel
the preliminary destruction.
He said I'll find a husband
and be a dental hygienist again...
He just talks. All his life
is nothing but "God said "
Tomorrow night I'll come
to you with a plan
to overturn the Resurrection
and reinstate the destruction.
"The Guide to The Hereafter"
as photocopied by our mole
in the Countdown Dept.
All I want is
preliminary destruction...
Preliminary destruction!!!
Same story every time: she always
overreacts when she is refused.
So I've cancelled the destruction?!
Big deal!!!
It's no reason to destroy
twin towers.
But all this will end soon,
as Jesus ends his trainings.
He must be bored stiff
as Luke teaches him
his life story that ended
with 2000 years of jigsaw puzzle...
On the right: your mother-to-be.
To her left: Joseph the carpenter,
who was her husband,
but not her impregnator...
That's Jean of Arc!
The Archangel Gabriel informing...
4 BC...
a manger in Bethlehem...
the night of December 25th...
It was a chilly night...
-Well?
You were born!
-Great! Exactly on Christmas.
You're a genius...
The Last Supper!
Remember the Last Supper?
I'm finishing now a new,
updated edition of my Gospel...
Mazel tov!
-Thank you.
What, exactly, did you
have for supper?
The menu!
-The menu...
What did you eat?
-Write down.
For appetizers, we had matzos
with a wide variety of dips:
T ahine... eggplant...
ikra... taboula...
T.A.B.O.U...
...all sorts of antipasti.
The main course was
fire-broiled mutton,
seasoned with rosemary and mint,
with rice and lentils on the side
and mashed potatoes.
Mashed potatoes?
-Gotta have them!
I had to skip the desserts.
I was in a rush to be
betrayed and crucified.
Enough with it. Let's go
over the Resurrection plan.
Alright. Here is the plan:
At 6 AM on January 1 st
You land opposite the...
The sealed Golden Gate in the
Old City wall of Jerusalem.
The gate will open when you
press "send" on the cell-phone
provided to you
by The lnstitute.
You enter the city
and walk towards the Church
of the Holy Sepulcher
where you'll be re-crucified
in front of a live audience.
But instead of going up
to your father in heaven,
your father with his
entire kingdom,
will come down to you,
launching the Resurrection.
Surprising, isn't it?
-As surprising as a Kinder egg!
Two questions:
By re-crucifixion,
you don't mean the real thing?
with the nails and all?
-Of course we do!
You can't forget
the famous Christian agony
that conquered
the western world,
which suffered from the joy
and pleasure of living...
Calm down!!
I want an anti-tetanus shot!
I bet you're using the same nails.
Second: when Dad comes down
with the kingdom etc.
who, actually, gets me
down off the cross?
Dad's a little confused...
I'll be hanging there for years.
Good question. Let me
put it to Nostrodamus.
No. T ell me now
how and when I'm off the cross.
Lunchtime! We've got to be
in the cafeteria first.
Why first?
Because service-angels
steal the dumplings.
Go away!
Steal your dumplings!
I am butterfly,
you are flower...
Feel the flow.
-I feel.
Open up.
-I am.
You give me nectar.
-Nectar.
Nectar to butterfly
sun's flower.
That's not a sentence.
No subject... no predicate.
No matter. You be green.
-Green?
Be one with nature.
Feel free man!
Free? Yes.
Man? Not yet.
I am Jean...
you are dark...
It tastes like... Iike...
Volkswagen Passat...
This is Cannabis Sativa,
good for heart and spleen,
pancreas, lungs...
It resurrects the mind...
The smell reminds me of
Mary Magdalene's cakes.
Jesus Christ! I'm teaching you
revelation and prophecy,
and you, like an aging hippie,
crave for nothing but
Mary Magdalene's cookies!
Okay. Let's go on with the rap.
You repeat after me. Okay?
Everybody up on their feet!
"Our father".
-Our father.
"Our father".
-My father... me... myself...
Can't hear you! "Our father".
-My father.
"Hallowed be thy name".
-...Be my name!
"Your kingdom cometh".
-My kingdom cometh.
"Give us"...
-Go ahead and take.
"Give us"...
-Take!
"...this day our daily bread".
Bread.
-She's hot!!!
Legs up...
"Forgive us our debts
as we forgive our debtors"
Legs up... "Forgive..."
-I forgive...
"And lead us not"... Wonderful.
"And lead us not"...
-Not...
"...Into temptation".
-Temptation.
Amen!
-Yah man!
Tomorrow we'll do Trance.
Now let's hurry to the cafeteria.
Because the service-angels
steal the dumplings.
Telepathique!...
No wonder they burnt you.
Allow me to introduce you to the
greatest traitor in human history.
This is Judas lscariot!
He's the Jew who betrayed Jesus
to the Jews for 30 Shekels.
When did the Jew betrayed
the Jew to the Jews? -ln 30 AD.
Lilith, get me the heater.
I'm simply dying of cold.
This betrayal, how did it end?
Jesus was crucified!!
What? Why am I always
the last to know anything?
I'll report you to God.
I see you've been
on one of our tours...
"150 days of coconut & aloha."
It was a devilish nightmare...
Not devilish... sorry.
It was pure hell...
Not hell... sorry.
Lilith! The heater!
Look at me. I look
like a fried lobster!
Lilith! I'm just dying of cold!
My skin peeled 5 times!
Like a hyperactive snake!
Not to mention these
f**king flower-wreaths...
Every hour an Oriental
drapes one all over you.
Why do you tell me this?
-My neck still hurts...
Put it down right here.
-And I got this nasty rash...
What do you want?
Go see a doctor!
Thanks for bringing me
back here.
Closer... That's it.
What we would like from you,
as a pro traitor and a Jew,
is to help us solve
the following problem:
On January 1st, 2002, Jesus
is going down to Jerusalem
to pull off a "snap Resurrection"
with no
"Preliminary Destruction"...
Get to the point.
I'm freezing...
You'll go down to Jerusalem and
turn in Jesus to the authorities
as a Shahid...
-No, no...
I'm no longer in this
line of business.
The demon that was in me
left for an Hungarian violinist.
If Jesus sees me
he'll tell his father,
who'll take me
off the Resurrection.
You'll do what we say!!
Let's turn Judas into a woman
who'll seduce Jesus.
Like in "The Crying Game",
where it's only at the end
we find out she has a c**k!
But you've used up
all your "Miracles Stock"
for the next 2 years. Even God
has only "The Taxi Trick" left.
We'll call her Yudit for Yuda
or in English: Judy for Judas.
Got it!
A relative of mine
from my mother's side...
arrived a short time ago...
It's 60 generations later, still...
"We're from the same hometown..."
It seems that betrayal is still
a strong tradition in our family.
Before lsrael was established
in 1948, they turned in
resistance fighters to the British.
-Judas, please...
So this relative was concerned
for her daughter:
27-years old, still unmarried,
living all alone in Jerusalem...
You are a bad cigar!
Guess how she makes a living?
Go ahead, guess!
And you were a good cigar until...
Well? Guess how!... -I suggest
we send him back to the coconuts.
Betrayal!!!
For the lsraeli Religions Ministry!
She turns in missionaries,
imposter Jesuses...
-Why does she do that?
It's a matter of genetics, Jewish
tradition... and making a living.
So how much does she charge
genetically for each betrayal?
Her father turned in his
brother to the lRS for 500.
She'll be satisfied with half.
... Plus expenses.
What expenses?
Powder, she needs?
Mouthwash she needs?
Why mouthwash?
I betrayed Jesus with a kiss.
Judith betrays with blowjobs.
So she needs mouthwash!
Okay, Pius. Goodnight.
I'm going to sleep.
Leave Judy's details on my desk.
How I love the smell
of action in the air...
"The smell of Napalm
in the morning".
Could you ask Judy to fax
her tax exemption? -No!
I also love vegetable omelettes...
But what I love the most is
cakes with whipped cream.
30 days left until
peace and tranquility prevail.
Jesus will soon see the end.
But first he has to
put up with Torquemada.
This Mengele for
beginners will give him
a full body epilation. Will get
his ribs to protrude,
and try to recapture my son's
suffering for all of us.
I think he's on the way back
to his old, forgiving self.
Jesus, darling. Where is it?
-Where's what?
I don't see the suffering
in your eyes.
And where is your
mythological slimness?
They tell me you don't
keep your diet.
That's not true...
My sweet, your famous spare ribs
should have shown by now.
"Should be showing",
not "should have..."
never mind! The world
wants your Dolorosa back.
What's all this supposed to be...?
Come on, agony is your 'passion'.
This one posed as you.
I gave him "the treatment".
He confessed to being false.
When did it happen?
-600 years ago.
Say, Torqa! During the lnquisition,
when you made Jews drink hot oil,
how could you hear them declare
their belief in the Holy Trinity?
Tomorrow we rehearse
your Crucifixion.
"We will". Future tense.
- Never mind. Put it down there.
Get ready. Tomorrow is...
is your big moment
before the Resurrection...
I want the rehearsal to be
exactly like the real thing.
Just don't die like
you did the first time!
I want to forgive him. Really.
But if I forgive everyone,
who'll be left to forgive me?
Mon Dieu?
Did you call for me?
Joan, my dear martyr!
You look wonderful. How are you?
-Very well, Mon Dieu.
It's amazing, not a sign left
from the fire...
And your dress... what a fabric!
Acrylic?
It's canvas, Mon Dieu.
A fabric for simple people.
Come, sit here...
on my piquet blanket...
and talk to your Mon Dieu...
How... How is my son?
Progressing nicely, Mon Dieu.
He's uniting with nature...
...Iike a flower, offering
nectar to butterfly...
flowing from the solar plexus,
to the chakra of the heart,
resurrecting the mind.
He's all green, Mon Dieu...
Enough with this "Mon Dieu"!
Enough!!
Let's count stars...
No stars...
Let's count buttons...
No buttons...
So let's be silent...
But Mon Dieu!
I'm the virgin from Orleans.
For 500 years?! Enough!
Mon Dieu. Lead me not
into temptation...
I'm sorry...
Thank you, Joan. Goodnight.
Goodnight, Mon Dieu.
And she left.
The most attractive thing
in this lost paradise of mine.
But for all the passion,
love was not there.
Nor was the feeling I had
with 1 6-year-old Miriam,
Iooking at me while her eyes
slowly crinkled into a smile
as if holding back the tears
of joy and sorrow
for what would turn
this love into painful longings...
until the coming Resurrection
will turn me abstract again.
So I went back
down to Nazareth,
to try a confession stunt at
the Church of the Annunciation.
Any priest would forgive God
for a brief lapse into humanity
and no priest would refuse
to give God the addresses,
phone numbers or
e-mails of a few Mary-like girls,
so before Resurrection makes
His Holiness metaphysical again,
God will enjoy for the second
and last time
a penetration into that wondrous
human domain of love!
Sir, Sir, please.
What's that?
-That's my Zippo.
show me.
-Here.
No cigarette please...
And your shades...
...first, I thought
she was Joseph's sister.
But then my holy spirit...
Me? God?
-Sure.
My holy spirit,
usually resting with stoic calm,
penetrated her body
like a horny hurricane.
She responded ecstatically,
shouting: "Oh, my God!"
My God?... Me?...
If you think it was only sex,
You're wrong!
A couple of days later, Joseph
invited a local "Exo-crist"
who reprimanded me
for molesting a minor
Iike any old Galilean pervert!
And since then... just longings.
Do you forgive me? Father?
Say 30 "Hail Mary"s, take 5 Prozac,
and some Hallidols. Bye, now!
What's the matter with you?
You'll see! Prozac!
Idiot! Who else but a priest
should be able to recognize God?
These aren't biblical times,
when all the prophets
knew me as soon as
I opened my mouth.
Whatever. The Resurrection is coming,
and I'll get the f**k out of here.
Then, in the same alley that
Miriam took to the fountain,
I saw her...
Mon Dieu. How sad.
How truly lonely...
"JERUSALEM MlXED GRlLL"
Sit down already.
Did you bring a photo
of this Jesus? -No.
So how do you expect
me to recognize him?
Is he handsome?
Come to think of it,
he's the melancholy type
as if being miserable
is a matter of principle to him,
as if he's uncomfortable with all
the forgiveness, charity and pity.
As if life is a fat zero.
As if everything is nothing...
-So is he handsome or not?
If he isn't handsome,
you won't blow him?
I'll blow, I'll blow.
But how will I recognize him?
At 6 in the morning, January 1st,
he'll land at the Golden Gate.
The beard and mustache are his,
the hair is a wig...
One, two... testing...
January 1st... the Golden Gate...
What's this?
Mission impossible?
Certainly possible.
Subject wearing a wig...
Beard and mustache are real.
How about
some sort of advance?...
On account?...
f**king hell...
What a load of s**t.
One, two three:
Allah akbar!!!
f**king hell!...
"After this manner
therefore pray ye:
"Our Father which art in Heaven,
Hallowed by thy name.
"Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done
"in earth,
as it is in Heaven.
"This day give us our daily bread...
"Give us this day our daily bread!"
Why are you shouting?
I'm on the mountain.
They are supposed to hear me.
Don't shout. Talk to them as if
you're revealing a great secret.
They'll be listening.
Don't let the pain in
your face turn to anger.
Don't bully them like your
father... or Billy Graham...
Come on, talk to me.
"Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts
"as we forgive our debtors...
"And lead us not into temptation."
Again: And lead us
not into temptation.
Don't lead us into
temptation, please.
Wonderful...
Now the "other cheek."
"Ye have heard it said, an eye for
an eye, and a tooth for a tooth...
"But I say to you, resist not evil:
"but whosoever shall smite thee
on the right cheek,
"turn to him the other also..."
It didn't quite catch on, did it?
What's with this Resurrection?
What needs to be resurrected?!
All they need is to drop this
entire notion of God and son.
They have to realize at last
they're alone in this world...
that responsibility for human
existence lies with them alone.
Anyhow...
I can't see Dad retire
before he figures out love
that's driving him crazy.
Love that is fiercer than death,
which he considered
to be his finest creation
until the day he met Mom.
What will be?
I am named after Saint
Theresa of Abela in Spain.
In the 1 5th century she wrote
the most amazing thing
in answer to your question:
That's what she wrote:
"Dear God, regard how we
"do not understand our own hearts,
and know not what we desire,
"and how we draw infinitely
away from our destination."
"Blessed are the meek, for theirs
is the kingdom of heaven.
"Blessed are they which hunger
for they shall be filled.
"Blessed are they that mourn
"for they shall be comforted."
The Resurrection is in good hands.
My art is the future... the world
tomorrow... then the universe...
You again?
-Luke! George Lucas...
"The Oath according to Luke".
-The "Gospel".
Torquemada... The lnquisition...
Tom! Hello!
Don't ask.
God made a pass at me.
But I'm too holy.
I'm such a martyr.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen!
Enough!
Now, at ten minutes to 2002,
and six hours to the Resurrection.
Tell the French that
God loves synthetics.
Music...!
Take me underyour wing
Be a mother and sister to me
Your lap my head's cradle
Nest of my forlorn prayers
Your lap my head's cradle
Nest of my forlorn prayers
Say, Joan. What's Jesus like?
-Jesus?
Short, balding... sad.
One joint and he'd even
forgive Hitler.
Look at Joan of Arc.
She looks as if somebody
whispers to her in Latin:
Carpe diem... Seize the day...
God made a pass at me... Passe.
Since I was torched, France
became full of Moroccans.
Come here...
Why?
-lsn't it Halloween?
Halloween? No.
It's New Year's Eve.
You fooled with my diary again!
Where did you put December?
I told you to quit doing it!
Don't look at me like that!
These two idiots like to play
with my diary. -Really?
Now, ladies and gentlemen...
madames et monsieurs...
Right from the top, the most
popular duo in the universe...
the Father and Son...
A round of applause, please!
"l took bread, and blessed,
and I did break it in two..."
What's this? He looks like a
beatnik. Resurrection my foot!
He'll end up
in an lndian Ashram.
"l took the wine and the cup
and this I sayeth unto them:
"This is my blood of the new
testament, which is shed for many.
And I took... and did...
-Mon Dieu... -And I blessed...
Remember me? You thought I was
wearing Acrylic, but it was canvas.
Then I kept saying
Mon Dieu till you lost it...
May l? Good evening.
In the beginning... s**t...
I created the heaven and earth...
When does the Resurrection begin?
-At 6 AM tomorrow. Why?
Then I created death to tell
me apart from yourselves...
so that I alone would
be omnipotent. -Sensational!
Then came love,
and I've been trying
to find out who created it
and for what purpose?
This is what I would like
to expand upon...
It's extremely important...
Thank you. Thank you...
-ls that all?
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
ten seconds before the big kiss,
I'd like to invite
Jesus to the mike.
Could someone open Dad's collar
before he chokes?
I'll be brief. I've got
a massive day tomorrow.
T ake care. Thank you all very much.
1 0... 9... 8... 7... 6...
5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
That bastard!...
What a pervert!
Kissing sluts on New Year's Eve!...
Let's go! -Why?
-I'm going!
It's soy sauce...
-Right now!
Our Father in heaven,
forgive us our debts...
I forgive. I forgive.
You and you too.
God and Jeanie sitting on a tree
K - I - S - S - I - N - GEE!
I have to go. I've got a cabinet
meeting with Satan.
You can tell the French that
you French-kissed God. Bye.
f**k the French...
What age are we now?
A sad age... following my God, who
is sending me back to Dr. Obermann
...a dental hygienist. And this
is what you call Resurrection?!
Starting tomorrow you can
play Hopscotch on my balcony.
Bingo!
8... 7... 6... 5...
4... 3... 2... 1...
Open sesame. Open up already.
Is it Resurrection you wanted?
Even one gate you can't open.
Come on! Open sesame already!
Excuse me. Could you tell me
how to call paradise from here?
With pity, grace, compassion
and love...
Area code?...
You look familiar to me.
Aren't you by any chance...?
Jesus.
Jesus? Of "the other cheek"?
Why not perform a miracle to prove
that you are who you say you are?
No, as I've already told Satan
in Luke, chapter 4, verse 12,
or the other way around...
The beard and mustache
are real, the hair is a wig...
There are a lot of imposters here
who like to hassle the pilgrims...
carry their crosses down the via
Dolorosa... just to make a few...
What are you doing?
-... a few bucks.
Jesus! I can't believe it. 20 years
I've been waiting for this moment.
They put me in the convent
when I was only 15 years old
just because I wanted to be a
pilot in the Hungarian air force.
I can't believe it. For 20 years
you were my virtual husband
because, like all other nuns,
I was obliged to marry you.
For 20 years you were
my virtual husband
and I waited for the moment
you'd turn into flesh and blood
and not a figure
on a cross of rubber...
steel... wood...
it's all the same.
All's well that ends well!
I do hope that I'm the
first nun you've met...
There must be half a million nuns
longing to be intimate with Jesus.
Half a million nuns?
Isn't it a bit Mormon of them?
I've got to go resurrect the
world in less than an hour...
It's hard work, but somebody
has got to do it.
I'll be back in...
Hello. The Golden Gate...
It won't open. Won't open...
The Muslims won't open it
until a peace agreement is struck.
I'll work it all out...
It won't open...
-Bye, now!
Find a location for me.
After that pathetic party and hours
before my Resurrection performance,
I decided to drop into Nazareth
in order to see her one last time.
Maybe she'd give
me that look again.
And one day she'll recall this old,
bald man who gazed at her so long,
suddenly screaming in her sleep,
knowing then that God loved her.
So next time I create a world,
it'll be more like:
"ln the beginning I created love."
Alright... I'm going.
-Why? Where to?
I've got a small deal for you...
Where are you resurrecting?
Okay, we've moved the Crucifixion
to Absalom's tomb.
To Absalom's tomb? -It's where
John the Baptist's dad is buried.
Shefer... -How do I get
to this Absalom's tomb?
Leave it to me.
Rivka!
-Hey, Jude! What's happening?
So you're a nun now?
-A nun, my a**.
Got a joint?
Check out this scene!
I was good at giving sight back
to the blind but I've lost the touch.
Good stuff?
-Oh yes.
Run along, or you'll miss
your Resurrection.
Keep going straight ahead. On your
left you'll see Absalom's tomb.
Go now.
-Aren't you coming with me?
Of course I am... Of course.
I just get another puff
before I join you.
Now get going already!
s**t! I'm getting only 200 dollars
for this betrayal.
There's no work because
of the lntifadah.
I've had only 3 jobs in the last 6
months. Can you believe it?!
I'm telling you, imposture
simply doesn't pay anymore...
no more false messiahs...
no more phony prophets...
Nothing at all...
It has got so bad they've had
to put out the real thing again...
That guy you saw who looks like
such a nerd... he's the real Jesus!
Really?! You are such a dupe!
After taxes and social security,
you'll have barely 120 left.
And what about expenses?...
Nothing. The nun's habit
alone cost me 35 Shekels...
Shefer and his film,
I've got to cover that too...
No more, never again... I won't
betray anybody for less than 400...
Not even if it's God himself.
Minimum price: 400 dollars!
God would never come here.
-Why not?
Nothing for him here. Besides,
to whom could you turn God in?
Shefer! Shefer!
You c**ksucker.
Shefer! Come on!
Are the pictures ready?
-It's here,
but it didn't
come out well.
Let's do it again.
It's completely flat...
This one's just fine.
It looks like he's pushing my head
to his c**k. -Yah, right...
Let's turn him in to the police
before the Resurrection begins
and I'll be left with nothing.
You see? Some good for us
has come out of the lntifadah.
For shame... how indecent...
I want...
So it turned out that just as
Judy was springing her trap,
as I roamed Nazareth
searching for beauty,
as the crucifixion turned to farce
due to my son's fear of tetanus...
Just then I got to the basketball
court and saw her once again...
The same beauty...
the same smile...
which stopped my time
in its tracks.
I simply forgot that Jesus was
waiting for me at Absalom's tomb.
After all, true Resurrection
was here... with her.
I'm warning you!
If anything happens to me...
It used to be lower.
He's just a pervert who forces
decent women to give him blowjobs.
Father. Why hast
thou forsaken me?
Dad. Why hast
thou forsaken me?
Excuse me, what time is it?
-T en past seven.
He should have been
here by now already.
Father. Why hast
thou forsaken me?
Dad, please come already.
This is no fun anymore, Dad,
I've got a fear of heights.
Father. Why hast
thou forsaken me?
Come on, please!
I can't believe you're
doing this to me again.
Dad!!!
What are you doing here?
Like to watch little girls?!
Don't you know me?...
-No. -I'm God... Allah...
Get lost! Go on, get lost!
Allah from "Allah akbar"!
-Allah take you! Go away!
Get lost!
-You're on my list...
Dad!
Dad... slippers... Castro's...
Jerusalem... Didn't you want...?
Taxi!
Get down! This is a no-parking zone...
We'll get towed!
Dad, is this the time to come?
-What a jerk!
How long must I wait for you?
The shops close at one.
There go my 200.
There goes him too.
Have you noticed any Resurrection
on New Year's morning, 2002?
For the record, God sent his son
to buy him a pair of slippers
at Castro's in Jerusalem.
Anything wrong with that?
So in the face of your displeasure,
I'll wait another millennium with
my beer, heartburn and cigarettes
as Jesus battles his puzzle
and we both try
to appease the little Satan.
Maybe you'll finally understand that
Resurrection is among yourselves.
It belongs to you alone - love.
Only if you perceive love as
human, interpersonal and unique,
then you'll know there is a reason
for the existence all around you.
And there is nothing above you
to resurrect you
from all your happiness and
sorrow, so intimately linked.
Take me under your wing
Be a mother and sister to me
Your lap my head's cradle
Nest of my forlorn prayers
Scriptwriter & Director
ASSl DAYAN
Producers
HAl M MECKLBERG & YORAM KlSLEV
Director of Photography
OFER lNOV
Production Designer
YOEL HERZBERG
Editor
ZOHAR SELA
Jesus
GlL KOPATCH
God
ASSl DAYAN
Satan
TlNKERBELL
Judy
TSUFlT GRANT
Joan of Arc
DANA PARNASS
Guest Star
GlLA ALMAGOR as Maria
Guest Star
lSRAEL "POLl" PLlAKOV as MC
Pius the 12th YEHUDA EFRONl
Judas lscariot YONl LAHAV
Luke ROBERTO POLLAK
Torquemada GOLAN AZULAY
Nostrodamus EYAL GEFEN
Mama Theresa ERlCA KNOLLER
Joseph The Carpenter lGAL ADlKA
Delivery Angel ZlON BARUCH
Tour Guide RlVKA NEUMANN
Lilith TSlPOR AlSEN-LlOR
Pretty Girl NELLlE FlSHKlN
Basketball Court Guard TAREK KOPTl
As themselves
YARON PE'ER and VERED DAVlD
Casting
LEVlAH HON
Composer
BOAZ AVNl
Costume Designer
NATAN ALKANOVlTZ
Sound Designer
lSRAEL DAVlD
Line Producer
LlOR SHEFER
Produced by
HLS Film Production, Ltd.
The film was produced with the
support of the lsraeli Film Fund
Produced with the participation of
lCP and the lsraeli Cable Companies
Produced in association with
Globus Group
English: Ruvik Danieli
Subtitles:
Cinematyp Studios Ltd.