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The.IT.Crowd.S01.2006.WS.

Hope this doesn't embarrass you Jen,

but I found the best thing to do

with the new employee

is to size them up

with a long hard stare.

- So!

- So.

- First day!

- Yes!

- Scary...?

- Yes...

- Don't be scared!

- Oh I'm not really scared.

You should be!

- Well I'm a little bit scared.

- What? Don't be!

Make up your mind!

So here you are!

Yes.

I'm... really looking forward to...

- getting to grips with the...

- I'm gonna put you in I.T.

Because you said on your CV you had

a lot of experience with computers.

I did say that on my CV yes.

I have lots of experience

with the whole...

computer... thing you know, e-mails...

sending e-mails, receiving e-mails,

deleting e-mails...

- ... I could go on.

- Do!

The Web... Using mouse...

mices... using mice.

Clicking... double clicking...

the computer screen of course,

the keyboard...

the...bit that goes on the floor

down there...

- The hard drive?

- Correct.

Well, you certainly seem

to know your stuff.

That settles.

Got a good feeling about you Jen!

And they need a new manager.

Oh fantastic!

So... the people I'll be working with,

what're they like?

Standard nerds!

Hello I.T.?

Have you tried turning it off

and on again?

OK, well, the button on the side,

is it glowing?

Yeah, you need to turn it on!

The button, turns it on?!

Yeah... You... Yeah...

You do know how a button works,

don't you?

No, not on clothes!

Hello, I.T.?

Yeah?

Have you tried forcing

an unexpected reboot?

No, no! There you go! No there you go,

I just heard it come on.

No no, that's the music you hear

when it comes on.

No, that's the music you hear when...

I'm sorry, are you from the past?!

See the driver hooks a function

by patching the system call table.

So it's not safe to unload it,

unless another thread's about

to jump in there and do its stuff.

... and you don't want to end up

in middle of invalid memory.

Hello?

Oh really? Really, why don't you come

down here and make me then?

What? Oh you think I'm afraid of you?

I'm not afraid of you!

You can come down here any time

and I'll be waiting for ya!

That told her!

Oh God, it's about time you got back,

it's been all go.

You had a job?

Girl on fifth...

Did you and her... hit it off?

Define "hit it off"?

Did she continue talking to you

once you'd fixed her computer?

No...

And while I was working on it,

she rested a cup on my back.

- No?!

- Yep!

Unbelievable!

Yeah, I mean they've not respect for us

up there, no respect whatsoever!

We're all just drudgens to them.

Yes!

If there were such a thing as a drudgen,

that is what we'd be to them.

It's like they're pally-wally

when there's a problem

with their printer

but once it's fixed...

They toss us away like yesterday's jam!

Yes!

Yesterday's jam!

That is what we are to them!

Actually you know what?

That doesn't really work as a thing...

because you know, jam lasts for ages...

Hello, I.T.?

Have you tried turning it off

and on again?

Unisex toilets? You have unisex toilets,

like Ally McBeal?

That's the sort of place this is, Jen.

A lot of sexy people not doing

much work... and having affairs.

Oh my God! Look at that view!

I feel like I'm on top of the world.

Well Jen, this is where I leave you.

Floor 34.

Great sir, thank you.

OK. Where am I going?

All... the way down to the basement.

Good luck!

Get out of the lift...

- Oh. Won't be a tick!

- Oh my God!

Oh my God! Oh God! OK.

Hello?

Hello?

Yes I believe it was Tolstoy who said...

Oh, it seems we have a visitor.

I'm sorry, myself and Morris

were just engaged

in quite a serious discussion

about books and such.

We didn't hear you come in.

Wait a second, you said it was

Tolstoy, he said what?

Oh never mind that now, Morris!

When have you read Tolstoy?

Shut up, Morris!

Why are you speaking that weird voice?

When did... I don't remember

this conversation at all!

Don't... don't let me disturb you,

I just wanted to come down...

Don't be silly you never dist...

Many people come down here to visit!

What are you talking about?

Who comes down? What people?

Why are you giving me

the secret signal to shut up?!

So... What can we do you for?

I'm the new head of this department.

Is this my office?

Why? What did she... Did she just say...

- I am the head of this department!

- I thought I was.

It's one of us! Certainly not her!

I'm gonna sort this out...

Roy! You've got a head wound there...

Head wound!

Hi!

I don't wanna be rude or anything

but I wasn't informed of any changes

to this department.

Oh, did they not tell you about me?

No!

And we are perfectly fine down here,

thank you very much,

we're more than capable

of taking care of ourselves.

Sure... sure...

You know you're covered in blood?

Moss!

Amazon thingy.

Ah! Wicked!

I know what this is.

It's the new Harry Potter.

I got the child edition

and the adult edition

just to check that there are

no differences in the text.

Sorry but I'm not gonna be able

to deal with that woman!

Is nobody else going to get the phone?

I suppose I'll get it!

No, that is not a phone.

I'm gonna have a little lie down.

Come in!

Yeah, Denholm. Yeah, yeah.

No no no... No they've been fine so far.

Yeah. I think we're gonna get on great.

Yeah, I know.

All right then, now you take care.

All right, yeah I will, yeah.

Ok!

Ok, take care, take care!

Ok bye! Bye!

Oh, so, hello!

What can I do you fo...

What can I do for you?

Hello. I was just wondering...

Do you want me to connect up your phone?

No no no... No.

It's working.

I was just talking to Denholm.

But how?!

Oh do you mind... Do you mind

closing the door for me?

- Oh yeah, sure.

- Yeah, Ok.

Yeah. From the other side...

Of course.

- Like this?

- That's it!

- With me on the...

- Thanks!

Are you all right?

Oh yes, Moss, I'm fine!

The nurse said I didn't do myself

any serious damage.

I'm standing over here!

I know, I know, I'm joking, I'm fine!

What we gonna do about her?

Well, I just went in, and she was having

a pretend conversation.

- Really?

- Yes.

She's a little bit weird...

to say the least.

What's that?

Oh just water.

Sometimes, I get a hot ear,

and this helps cool it down.

She is quite the oddbod...

Did you notice how

she didn't even get excited

when she saw this original ZX-IT 1?

Yeah, that was weird.

It's almost as if she doesn't know

anything about computers.

What?!

Look what you did!

Oh don't worry that's why

I always make 2 cups of tea.

Anyway, what were we talking about?

Oh, her not knowing anything

about computers.

What?!

I definitely want to get rid of her.

I agree yeah.

Ok, so, here's the plan:

A plan? Let me put on

my slightly larger glasses.

Ok, hit me!

- Ok. We go in...

- When?

You know, like in a minute.

Will that be enough time for me

to get to know the plan?

Yeah, you know what?

I shouldn't have used the word "plan"!

I... I've clearly gotten you

over-excited!

Would "steamed" be a better word?

Although that's just as exciting,

I might even use these.

All I was gonna say was...

We go in, I make up a load of bullocks

about computers

and we'll see if she picks up on it.

Yes. I can see why

you didn't want to use the word "plan".

Let me do the talk.

All right.

Ouh, Moss, Moss Moss!

Ok, we need to get this right, you know?

We... we need to stay calm.

We do not wanna go in there half-cocked.

Hang on, guys.

How can I help?

Well, we were just wondering

now that you're "The Boss",

would you like us to access

the data supplier

and connect you up to the matrix?

You just made all that up?

You don't know anything

about computers, admit it!

Will you stop trying to undermine me!

Now get in there,

and do some work, to do with computers!

I'll be in there in a minute

and check up on you!

Ok, lady!

You've won this round, but we can wait!

You will slip up one day,

and believe you me,

we will be there when you do!

There will be some piece of evidence

that will prove

without any shadow of a doubt

that you don't know

anything about computers.

What are you doing?

Plugging in your computer.

It might be something you say...

or something you do!

But when we notice this,

and believe me we will notice this,

there's gonna be a long way down

for you, sweet chicks!

He'll realise in a second...

I cannot believe you're going

to tell on me.

You're like a pair of horrible

old women.

What did she say?

She said we're like horrible old women.

She didn't!

Hey guys!

Ok, got something to tell me?

Yes, well, it's like this:

Look at you! My I.T. Team.

- Yeah.

- Team players each and every one of you.

Yeah, what she...

There's no room for people

who can't act in a team on my team!

Excuse me.

Hello?

What?!

Well if you can't work as a team,

you're all fired!

That's it, you heard me, fine!

Get your things and go!

Hello, Security?

Everyone on floor 4 is fired.

Escort them from the premises.

And do it as a team!

Remember you're a team, and if you can't

act as a team, you're fired too!

Dawn!

Get onto recruitment.

Tell them to look for a security team

that can work as team.

They may have to escort our

security team from the building,

for not acting like a team!

Team! Team team team team team!

I even love saying the word "team".

You probably think that's a picture

of my family?

It's the A-Team.

Body, Doyle, Tiger, the Jewellery Man!

All of them!

So what do you wanna tell me?

Well, it's just not working out.

- He's joking!

- But you said...

Not working out?

Oh no! No!

We are getting on like

a big house on fire!

- Yeah!

- My ear's getting hot!

No... You know what?

We should leave, now, because

you know, you're a busy man

and we've taken far too much

of your time.

Jen could you just get the door

for me there?

Absolutely Roy!

So why did you come here

in the first place?

We set up a voice activation system

on your computer.

I think you're gonna enjoy it.

It might just take a little while

to get the pitch right on the voice

but nonetheless, go ahead!

Thank you very much!

- Bye bye!

- Thank you!

How exciting!

Hello...

Hello computer!

Hello!

Hello... Hello computer...

What good are you?

You obviously don't know anything

about computers.

No but... OK.

But I can learn.

You know, I mean, for example Moss,

you could take me through

what you're doing right now.

I'd be delighted!

I'm just working on a very simple piece

of programming code.

I see...

Oh God, no, I'm Iying again!

I didn't understand any of that!

I don't know anything

about computers, I mean...

I'm absolutely useless to you.

I might as well pack up and go home.

Hi! Is... Roy around?

Hello there little lady!

Are you lost?

How can I help you? I'm Roy.

You wanted me to come down?!

Well here I am!

Not the face!

Not the face!

Well maybe this will teach you

to treat people with

a little bit of respect!

Is it 'cos we spoke on the phone

earlier?

Oh my God! Are those Manolo's?

Yes!

They are gorgeous! Were they expensive?

No, no no no! Got them in a sale.

Oh God! Clever you!

I'm never lucky enough

to get a bargain myself.

Well, I should take you shopping.

Yeah, no that would be fantastic.

Oh I will give you a call.

Nice to meet you! Take care!

- Nice meeting you!

- Chairman! Wow!

You just diffuse that entire situation!

What situation?

Oh oh, that.. yeah!

Oh my God, does that happen a lot?

They're fairly regular,

the beatings, yes.

I'd say we're on a by-weekly beatings.

Ah it's not all that bad!

Ah, come on Roy! It's pretty bad...

Maybe I could help with this.

You know, I mean...

I'm a people person and...

people like you need a person

to deal with people...

a people person like me. Oh my God!

Ideas are coming!

Things are happening here!

Ok, Ok, what would you say here,

if I told you that I had a plan

to raise your profile upstairs by 100%.

What would you say?

I can't be done! You're crazy!

What would you say Roy?

Roy's passed out! Ok!

I need a felt-tip pen, and some paper.

PARTY - I.T. DEPT 5.45 TODAY

No no! Oh no, really really really,

that was a true story!

Unbelievable!

I said why we don't go out

with the I.T. guys more often?

- You're hilarious!

- Yes we are!

You guys should come down here

more often you know,

you should see this as a new era

for Reynholm Industries.

"A new era for Reynholm Industries!"

Oh Do you know what! If you want

to hear something really funny,

a really funny story,

you should hear what happened

to Moss and I,

when we were so drunk in Amsterdam

that Moss lost his glasses!

Moss! Moss!

Come here! Come here!

Tell them that story about

when we were drunk in Amsterdam.

Really?

Yeah yeah yeah! Oh it's brilliant!

Oh this a great story,

you're gonna love it!

I'm just gonna get another box of wine!

Well go on, then.

All right.

- Well, one night, we were really drunk.

- Yeah.

And huh, we were so drunk

that we decided to hire prostitutes.

And when they arrived to the hotel,

we were too scared to do anything,

so we brought them to the fair.

Oh really nice! In the end,

they only charged us half.

But we did have to pay

for all the rides.

Oh isn't that just the best story?

Oh, man!

You told me to never tell that story

to anyone.

Well, what're you talking about?

That's a brilliant story!

And then you nearly walked

into the canal!

Has it got to that part

with the boatman?

Do you mean the story

when I lost my glasses?

Yes!

What story did you think I mean?

Moss?

What did you say?! What did you say?!

It's all right for you two.

You're used to being social social piranhas...

I'm a very popular person usually.

That girl earlier, that tried

to beat me to death with her shoes,

did anybody get her number?

That was a nice day the fair, wasn't it?

With Brandy and Crystal!

Hello I.T.?

Yeah. Have you tried turning it off

and on again?

Hello! Hello!

Has this... ever happened to you?

From today, dialling 999

won't get you the emergency services.

And that's not the only thing

that's changing.

Nicer ambulances,

faster response times,

and better looking drivers

mean they're not just

the emergency services,

they're "your" emergency services. So...

Remember the new number:

That's...

Hello? I've had a bit of a tumble...

Well that's easy to remember!

0118999881999119725...

...3!

I don't know why

they just couldn't keep it as it was!

How hard is it to remember 911?

- You mean 999...

- I mean 999!

- That's the American one!

- Yeah!

- You berk!

- Come on, are you ready?

I don't know what to say really

it's fun...

there are some many issues in the world,

They are beautiful, I love them...

in fact they're the most beautiful shoes

I've ever seen but...

you know, I can't have everything

that I love,

otherwise I'd own lots of things,

and actually they're red,

which is quite tarty, and they don't

necessarily go with any of my outfits...

Come on you crazy b*tch!

Come on!

Come on!

- Denholm's called the general.

- Oh God, another one!

Yeah!

I bet he declares war on something!

He loves declaring war!

I am declaring...

WAR!

I can see that got your attention.

What am I declaring war on?

My bollocks?!

Stress!

Stress is a disease, people,

and I am a cure!

I'm a doctor with a cure.

No, no! I'm a General!

And it's still a war!

A war on disease!

Stress!

There's too much stress around here.

They're very expensive and besides,

the woman in the shop said

they were way too small for me.

- You see you know, be practical, go on!

- In the time...

I've been speaking,

over 18 million people

have died of stress.

That's another one.

That's another one.

More...

Mayhem!

We gotta deal with it!

- Are you ready to deal with it?!

- Yeah!

Say: "I hate stress!"

- I hate stress!

- No!

You didn't let me finish.

Say: "I hate stress..."

and I want to limitate

its influence in my life,

what can I do about it? Anyone?

Have a bath?

Have a bath?!

Get a bike!

I cycle to work... everyday!

70 miles!

Both here, and here...

are as red as a fire engine!

Any other ideas?

Jen, what about you?

Shoes!

- What?

- Shoes!

Well, shoes...

Ok, look!

I have invited Dr. Julian Holmes

to come and give a class at lunchtime.

He is Europe's leading stress expert.

They call him:" Stressperts!"

Anyone interested in coming along

picking up

a few tips on how to manage stress?

There's a free buffet...

Good!

Good people.

Oh! By the way!

Anyone still experiencing stress

at the end of the day...

will be fired!

It's not going on!

Yeah, I think it is so.

Just down angle it a bit more.

Are you sure you're a 5?

- I'm not a liar.

- Yeah, but I mean I can't...

Just... just...

I can feel the heel going into the shoe.

Just down angle a bit more...

There is no angle, but I could...

Don't let me push you away!

Just lean in with the shoe. Lean in...

with the shoe!

Lean in!

We've been here... for half an hour.

The shoes aren't going on!

They're two sizes too small.

And even if they did go on,

they would cripple you.

You don't want that, do you?

I myself, have been subject to some...

terrible rages, but... Yes?

- I'm sorry. Is this the stress class?

- Oh yeah. Come on in.

Thank you.

Moss!

This is in here! Moss!

Just come in.

Thank you.

Ok.

Are you all right?

As I was saying...

I myself have been subject

to some terrible rages.

Where I've...

snapped at my wife, or spoken harshly

to a work colleague, because of stress.

If I... just... thinking about it now,

I realise I'm...

raising my voice.

I'm sorry.

Stress is the main cause

of heart attacks.

And even a little bit... well...

Let me show you what stress can do.

I'm gonna need a volunteer.

Yes. Come on up.

That's fine. Can I have your left hand

there? The back?

And just relax there.

I'm gonna ask you

a very personal question.

There we are, you see?

Sorry, I'm not gonna ask you

anything at all.

That's just to show how little is needed

to send downstress levels shooting up.

Just a simple statement like that

is registered very strongly

on the display.

- Yes, another volunteer?

- Yeah.

Ok.

I'll have... just this off.

Ah! There it goes! Yes, raise up!

Look at that! Brilliant!

Brilliant, excellent!

It's a super machine!

Wow, great shoes!

Thank you very much.

I really envy women with dainty feet.

What are you? A five?

Yeah! Five...

Well, just a little

misunderstanding there I imagine. So...

- Huh let's move on... with...

- Wow!

I actually haven't had a proper go yet.

Well, I don't need attach... can't,

what's happened there...

Actually, I don't think that's fair...

I would like a go, and I think

Roy should be punished for

nearly killing that lady.

Well, I think I should go first!

I see, well let's move on...

- When did you grow a bit?

- A little go.

- We gotta move on...

- And I think we could...

Can we just move on?

You're old? Are you very old?

Let's move on!

Oh! Shut up!

What are you eating?

Muffin.

A muffin? How can you be hungry,

you ate a whole chicken

at the stress buffet!

What's that?

Oh, I've made a stress machine

to try out for myself,

like the one in that class.

Watch this.

I'm going to ask myself

a very personal question.

Don't worry, I'm not really going

to ask myself any questions.

Pretty good.

Not as good as the one

in the stress class.

The shoes!

What was all that about?

Well, like all the women,

she's shoe mad!

It's a bit sexist, isn't it?

Do you know one woman

who isn't obsessed with shoes?

No, but I only know one woman.

And she just left the room shouting:

"the shoes!".

The needle's freaking out!

Try not to hurt yourself!

- Moss?

- Huh?

Did you use a soldering iron

to make that stress machine?

Yes.

You turned it off?

Oh I'm fairly sure I did!

Because, you remember

what happened last time, right?

Yes! That was very funny!

Well no! No.

It was very dangerous

and someone nearly died!

Right! No! Yeah!

I was thinking of a different incident.

The one on the golf course.

What?

I'm talking about the fire!

Oh yeah, fire sorry! I always

get mixed up between golf and fire.

- Just make sure it's off!

- It is off.

I think.

- Well just make sure it is.

- I will make sure it is.

And if it's already off...

I'll just walk away!

Will he get off my back! What is he?

The soldering iron police?

It's off...

that means I turn it... on...

and just walk away!

Oh four! I mean five!

I mean fire!

Now let's see what we have here.

"Stand upright."

Now, I can't read it...

Oh, not me!

I am a giddy-goat!

Okay.

"Remove safety clip."

- Don't look at my feet!

- Fire?

Fire...

No...?

"Aim nozzle at base of fire."

Oh, that is typical!

Why has it done that?

"Made in Britain"

I'll just put this over here,

with the rest...

of the fire.

01153... No.

011 huh...

0118999...

...3!

Hello? Is this the emergency services?

Then which country am I speaking to?

Hello? Hello?

I know! Yep.

O kay.

"Subject:..."

"...fire!"

"Dear Sir", stroke, "Madam."

"I'm writing to inform you of a fire

"which has broken out

at the premises of..."

No. That's too formal.

"Dear Sir", stroke, "Madam."

"Fire!", exclamation mark.

"Fire!", exclamation mark.

"Help me!', exclamation mark.

"123, Carendon road."

"Looking forward to hearing from you."

"All the best, Maurice Moss."

What are you wearing size 5 shoes for,

woman? You're at least an 8!

Eight?

How dare you?!

That foot is completely mangled.

And the other one's even worse.

You're not wearing these again.

But I threw away my other shoes,

what am I supposed to wear?

Hello! Hello!

Do you remember me?

Can I have a go in your machine now?

- Oh hello again!

- Oh hi!

Please thank Yamamoto San

for this fine ceremonial sword.

It is a magnificent symbol

of our new merger.

I am sorry that my gift...

a huge pair of Doc' Martins,

is extremely thick and heavy sorts.

It's so poultry in comparison.

Please rest assured

that my cultural advisor will be fired

as soon as this meeting is over.

- These are very heavy shoes.

- Yes.

He feels like... Godzilla!

Does he?

Godzilla!

Go on! Stamp your feet!

Clap him man!

Good!

Oh yeah! Godzilla loves it!

Go on! Break something!

Put your weight into it!

You f... idiot!

You stupid old f...

You f... J...

and your big m... shoes!

Oh you're not! You're nothing!

But I f......

- I am... so... sorry, Denholm.

- That was quite a tarring Jen.

It would have been even worse

if Paul hadn't been so quick

on the profanity buzzer.

Well done, Paul!

You're back on the payroll.

As for you... you're fucked up!

Shouting at Japs! Mad feet!

Both classic signs of stress!

And you know how I feel about stress...

Go to your office, and wait for me.

Weirdest thing just happened... Fire!

Fire!

I've sent an e-mail. It's fine!

An e-mail?! It's a fire! Where...

Where is the precinct extinguisher?

- Made in Britain!

- This is just like the golf incident!

You mean the fire incident?

I mean the fire incident!

Of course I mean the fire incident!

What have you got there?

Oh I'm in trouble! I'm in real trouble!

Help me get my shoes on!

I gotta get my shoes on!

Help me get my shoes on

before Denholm comes!

- Denholm's coming?

- Yeah.

And he's got a... fire! Fire! Fire!

I've taken care of it.

I have to say I feel a little bit

insulted

by the lack of faith you both display.

What happened to your feet?

What is this?

I think a fire in the office

demands a little more attention

than my feet, don't you?

How... how did you get

the stress machine Roy?

I... don't really know.

Met Dr. Holmes by the lift.

Wasn't he nice?

I thought he was a lovely man.

Yes I thought he was a delight.

But I met him there by the lift,

and he just went... mental!

And one thing led to another

and I just... stole it!

- You stole it...

- Yeah!

But that's stealing!

Yeah!

Didn't know what a stress machine was

this morning and now we have 2 of them.

I hate to remind everyone but

I've just destroyed a merger

that probably took hundreds of years

to set up,

the office is on fire,

Denholm is furious, so

could we please concentrate

on what's important,

and help me out with my shoes!

That could get you into trouble!

Empty!

Got a little bit there!

Oh quick! No, no! Quick, no!

These are a size 5...

What are you, eight and a half?

Shut up!

- Come on!

- I'm pushing!

Push it! Oh don't let me push you away!

- Is it in?

- Come on!

Push hard guy!

The heel went right through!

Oh my God it hurts so much!

- Oh now, I'm bleeding!

- Jen!

- Where are you Jen?

- It's Denholm!

What?

Hide the stress machine!

The stress machine?

What about the fire?!

Ok! Put the stress machine

in Jen's room!

- He'll never go in there!

- But what if he does?

It doesn't matter!

He won't know what it is!

I can't go to prison Roy!

They'll rape the flip out of me!

You! Stall him by the door!

I stall... How?

I don't know! Use your womanly ways!

Ok Moss! Pass me that monitor screen.

The broken one.

There you are!

Hello there!

It's no use being womanly with me Jen!

You're in big trouble!

Nice screensaver!

Thank you.

A stress machine!

Just what we need!

Roll up your sleeves, Jen.

Let's get this over with.

It's a one way ticket

to slammer town for us Roy.

With no return ticket!

I really am losing quite a lot of blood!

You understand this is your last chance?

If the needle goes beyond here...

you will be fired!

Does that make you feel stressed?

Jen! Does it?

No? Are you sure?

Are you sure?

Are you sure?

Are you sure?

Are you sure?

Are you sure?

Are you sure?

Are you sure?

Are you sure?

Are you sure?

Are you sure?

I'll level with you Roy.

I don't think I'd flourish

in a prison environment.

Could I try on your new glasses?

See this balloon, Jen?

I'm gonna burst it.

But I'm not gonna tell you when...

Do you feel stressed Jen? Jen? Jen?

Look at that!

That's your peace of mind!

And it's gonna go bang!

Do you feel stress now, Jen?

Jen!

Jen! Jen! Do you?!

Evidently not.

Well done Jen!

You're not being fired by me...

at this precise moment.

I love the way the smoke

seems to be coming off the top of it.

Just a second...

I'm late for golf!

I wonder why it didn't work...

"Made In Britain"

I don't know if it's the loss of blood

or the melting plastic from the monitor

but I feel great!

It's so ironic but this entire situation

has been quite stressful.

I'll get help...

You sent an e-mail about a fire?

Here we are!

Your place... your place...

La maison... de la femme...

El casa del signorita...

Das haus die Frau...

Good night!

I'll just walk you to the door.

- There's no need.

- That's okay.

So...

I guess this is "arrivederci".

I'd quite fancy a cup of tea though.

A glass of water maybe.

Perhaps a little lie down.

Look...

I have to tell you something.

What?

I wanted to tell you

in the restaurant but...

it... a good time

never came up and I...

- I wasn't gonna say it but...

- Say it.

I have to.

What?

You've got s**t on your head.

What?

There's some s**t on your head.

What?

Where? Where?

It's been there forever.

Oh God! Oh God!

It's chocolate!

It's chocolate!

It's not s**t!

It's..

It's my dessert.

I don't know

how it got there but uh...

It's on my fingers.

It's not s**t!

Thank God for that!

You know, I just spent the last hour

thinking you were some sort

of disgusting tramp.

Oh no!

That's funny!

- Oh God look!

- What?

It's chocolate!

How about that cup of tea now?

I was a perfect gentleman last night

from beginning to end

but she can't see past

a little bit of s**t on my forehead!

I thought you said it was chocolate.

Yes, chocolate, yes!

I meant chocolate.

I forgot to turn this thing on.

Hello, IT..

Hi, uh, something's wrong

with my computer.

Have you tried

turning it off and on again?

Oh No! No, oh Dear, thanks.

You're welcome then.

It's typical.

The one time I manage

to bamboozle a girl in the building

into going out with me

and this happens.

She's gonna tell everyone!

Oh come on! She's a receptionist,

she'd hardly gossip.

Besides it's a boring story.

Yeah... that's boring.

It's boring, she won't tell anyone.

Hello.

Sorry guys.

She might have told Jen.

No, that's what I'm saying.

It wasn't. It was...

It was chocolate. It was chocolate.

I don't know...

I don't know... it...

it got on my fingers

and then I must have...

Listen...

how did you even hear

about this, mom?

Moss... Moss,

there's a spider in my office.

Could you deal with it?

I just hate spiders.

I'm not overly fond of them

myself there, Jen.

How...

How big is... Whoa! Hey now!

I'll tell you what.

I actually recommend

my good friend Roy there

as the go-to guy on anything

with more than 7 eyes.

He's on a very brief

personal call right now.

Come, Moss. Don't be silly.

You're right, I'm being silly.

Wrap it up, Roy!

It's just a spider. It's fine.

Oh look! It seems to have left

of its own volition.

Oh, be a man, Moss!

You're right, I'll be a man.

I'm a man.

Please don't shut the door.

I won't.

Goodbye, Jen.

That was my mother.

How did she hear about this?

Oh, was that the woman

who phoned earlier?

'Cause I've just been

telling everybody.

Why would you want to go out

with Patricia anyway?

I mean, her last boyfriend

was Simon from 3rd.

- Jen!

- Hey, you!

Hello there.

Have you caught it yet?

Not quite, Jen.

The spider's managed

to walk behind me.

And it's between me and the door.

So I can't get out.

Simon from 3rd

is the one with the hair.

Oh, him! Oh, he's awful.

He once ate

a copy of Loaded for a bet.

- She liked him?

- Apparently.

That explains everything!

She likes the kind of big obnoxious guy

who eats Loaders.

Hello, Daniel.

How are you?

I'm great, thanks. How are you?

I'm great.

Well, can either of you tell me...

Okay... Okay...

who wrote Missa Brevis in D minor?

Was it Mozart or Beethoven?

That was a certain Mr. Mozart,

I think you'll find.

Oh right, do you know a lot

about classical music?

- Petit pois.

- Oh, right.

Mozart, Beethoven, 50/50 ain't it?

Actually, no, you were right.

It was Mozart.

Well it's... It was...

Okay, so, let's try another one.

Okay. Here we go.

In what year did Mozart die?

- Was it 1780 or 1791?

- 1791.

Yes! Yes! Bang on! Good!

God!

I hope he doesn't come in again!

- Jen!

- Yes!

Is Roy off the phone yet?

The spider is now upon my person.

You guys don't mind me

chilling out in here, do you?

No. Chill out!

So did you see the match last night?

- Oh yeah!

- Oh yeah!

- God!

- Did we?

What a match!

All of the players running up...

the pitch...

and running down it again.

Such athleticism!

What was Rooney thinking over there?

Who knows! That's Rooney!

He is a foolish boy!

Yeah but... that referee...

I'm sorry the referee is just an idiot.

Yes, he was certainly

the villain of the piece.

Daniel, you're still here.

Yeah, just...

just having a little break.

Do you wanna come and join me?

Stop it!

Well, I'd better...

I'd better... hit this way.

Oh by the way, guys, if you need

any help with any more spiders,

just give me a call, okay?

Yeah, we'll be fine, I think, thanks.

Actually, do you have a card?

That is good. See you.

You like him!

Who?

Oh, that good looking man

with "Security"

written on his shoulders? Yes!

Yes, I do.

He seems really nice.

Nice!

'Cause that's what you women want!

Nice guys!

Hello, IT!.

What are you talking about, Roy?

If my date last night proved anything,

it's that you, ladies,

you don't want nice guys.

I think if your date proved anything,

Roy,

it's that women like men

without poo on their foreheads.

That's our type.

That has nothing to do with this.

She clearly just didn't want

a gentleman in her life.

I hate to generalize, you know that.

But all women just want bastards.

That women liking bastards thing

is a total myth.

I've tried turning it off and on again

and nothing happened.

Is it definitely plugged in?

Oh, let me have a look.

Oh, sorry, that's it, thanks very much.

You're welcome then.

It's just not true.

Women don't want gentlemen,

they want bullies and thugs.

I'll prove it to you.

How will you prove it to me, Roy?

Oh! Okay.

I'll put a...

I'll put on a classified ad online.

A classified?

Yeah, like a lonely hearts thing

but I'll make it sound psychotic.

And I still bet

I'll get a bezillion replies.

Oh, dear God.

Come on. How much?

Okay. Yeah, I'll give you

20 quid if you get 1 response.

You're on!

Oh my God, no!

It's all about body fluids

with you, isn't it?

Come on, Moss! We need to get to work.

Work?

Yeah, we need to post

a classified lonely hearts ad online

that makes me sound like a psycho

so that I can prove to Jen

that all women love bastards

and therefore win 20 pounds.

Thank God!

I thought that thing was broken.

"Shut up! Do what I tell you!

I'm not interested!"

These are just some of the things

you'll be hearing if you answer this ad.

"I'm an idiot and

I don't care about anyone but myself."

No dogs."

- That's good.

- What's yours?

Mine doesn't look any good now.

Go on.

"I'm going to murder you."

"You bloody woman!"

Might want to play a bit hard to get.

If you were a murderer,

what would your nickname be?

Mine would be "The Gardener",

'cause I'd always leave a rose

at the scene of the crime.

What would your murder weapon be?

A hammer.

Hey, Moss.

"Would you like to go

for dinner with me?"

"And then maybe back to my place?"

I'd love to, Jen, but I'm actually

helping Roy at the moment.

No. No, no, no.

Who does this remind you of, yeah?

"Do you wanna go on a date with me?"

Gandhi?

No, no, the other one. Bono.

No, no, I was doing Roy.

Yes, yes, it's like there was 2 of me.

Come on.

Get your money ready. 20 pounds.

Hey! Hello.

It's security.

I hope I'm not in any danger.

Oh my God!

It's not s**t!

On my head, it's not s**t!

It's chocolate spread.

- Taste it!

- No!

Look!

Ringo Starr?

I'll be wondering about that all night!

How do you know about this site?

I'm a member.

Really?

You do the whole lonely hearts thing?

I'm a 32-year-old IT man

who works in a basement.

Yes, I do the whole lonely hearts thing.

So, as you can clearly see, it wasn't...

excrement, it was chocolate.

I was playing a joke. It was chocolate.

Jen, it's okay, I've got it.

Don't worry about it.

Listen, what are you doing tonight?

- I've got a response!

- That was quick!

Yeah,

why is it taking so long to download?

Something happened

with the router this morning.

We're back to pre-broadband speed.

Dear...

But we're on the phone now.

Why can't you just ask me now?

Can't Jen, trust me.

Why should I trust you?

Because I know what's good for you.

Listen, you have to be home between

8 and 9 tonight, are you gonna be home?

Okay, this sounds exciting.

It might not happen, okay?

But hopefully it will.

Now I don't know

if this is exciting or not...

Jen... Jen, it's exciting!

"...would be very interested in

meeting up and talking it over."

"Love, Rebecca."

Oh my God! What did we write again?

It started with "shut up".

There's more.

"I attached a photograph

for your approval...

"or not!" Exclamation mark.

All right, let's have a look at you,

you mad thing.

Nice hair so far.

- Eyebrows seem normal.

- Two eyes.

That's the best amount of eyes.

Nice eyes too.

It has to go around.

She must have a shite nose.

Do you remember the Internet

at this speed?

Up all night and you'd see 8 women.

- Good nose.

- That is a good nose.

The mouth has to be wrong. There's gotta

be something wrong with her mouth.

Now that's a good looking woman.

Should I tell Jen we got a reply?

Roy?

Roy?

Roy!

Roy!

Hello, Daniel! I mean, hello.

Jen? Hello, it's Chris Tarrant from

"Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"

Oh my God! Oh my God!

Chris Tarrant, hello!

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Jen the next voice you hear

is gonna be Daniel's...

- Daniel's, Ok.

- But before I put you on with him,

he's asked me to ask you a question.

Okay, you can ask me a question.

Yeah, he wants to know if you'll go out

for dinner with him tomorrow night.

Oh really? Yes!

Yes, of course, I will!

Of course! Oh yes! Yes!

Yes, of course!

Yes, that's great, Jen.

Now let me fill you in

on what's happening.

Daniel's doing very well although

he has just used his 50/50.

Now, here's Daniel.

Daniel, you got 30 seconds.

Starting from... now!

- Okay, Jen.

- Hi, Daniel.

Yeah, hi Jen, Jen, uh, okay...

who composed The Wooden Prince?

Was it A) Bartok, B) Chopin?

Did you see

"I'm a Millionaire" last night?

"Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"

it's called. No, I didn't.

Well, you are not going to

Adam and beliEVE this.

Okay, do these make me

look like a bastard?

Why do you wanna look like a bastard?

I've got that date tonight,

she's expecting a monster.

Do these me make look like a bastard?

They make you look like an idiot.

- Anyway, did you see it?

- What?

"Do you want to be a Millionaire?"

"Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"

"Who wants to be a person who is wrong?"

What's happened?

- If I may...

- Sure.

Guess who was on it last night!

- You!

- No, Daniel.

- King of men.

- Daniel was on "Millionaire"?

Indeed he was, sir.

And it was the

"Do you want to phone a friend"...

- It's just "Phone a friend".

- Anyway.

She was the "phone a friend"?

- She was the "phone a friend".

- You're the "phone a friend"!

What was the subject?

Classical music is the extraordinary

answer to that question.

So who of course is Daniel, our estimed

temp security guard, going to phone

but Jonathan Miller over here.

Think Daniel was on Millionaire.

Too bad it wasn't 50/50.

It was.

- And?

- I got it wrong.

I cost 31,000 pounds.

It isn't funny though.

Now I have to go on a date with him.

Wow! The rules on that show

have really changed!

No, you don't understand.

He asked me out

on the show

before I got the question wrong.

It was all very romantic.

But now...

I don't think he likes me now.

And I don't wanna go out with

the biggest loser in England...

There you are!

Daniel...

- Hello.

- Hi.

- Gonna go for this meal then.

- Yeah.

Yeah, I can't wait.

I'm gonna take you to one

of my favourite restaurants.

Right.

I'll pay.

- It really is the least I can do.

- Oh yeah...

Oh my God!

Did you see that look?

I have a dinner date with that man.

If I'm not here tomorrow,

I want you to call the police.

Maybe not the best time to mention it,

but also you owe me 20 quids.

What? You got a response?

With the one that ended: "No dogs"?

Yep.

Oh my God, brilliant! More money gone!

Now the money that Daniel lost

wasn't really yours, was it?

It would have been

if I'd married him, Moss.

I need a good restaurant.

Maybe if he likes the food,

he won't beat me to death with a shoe.

I thought you said you'd take him

to one of your favourite restaurants.

Haven't you got it yet?

That's what I do:

I lie...

I lie and I lie and...

I lie!

Well, I went to a good place recently.

Nice atmosphere. Food's great.

- Really?

- Yes. Why?

Sorry, I just didn't have you down

as a restaurant person.

I'm a restaurant person.

Why wouldn't I be a restaurant person?

Cheese string?

No, thanks.

What's this place called?

Messijoes.

- Is that French?

- French? No, it's English.

Okay, thank you, Moss. Yeah, I'll uh...

I'll give that a go.

Okay, I need a place to bring this girl

that says: "I'm a bastard."

Well, I went to a good place recently.

Nice atmosphere. Food's great.

It's got a bit of an edge.

Yeah? What's it called?

Messijoes.

What is that? Spanish?

No! Spanish? It's English. Messijoes.

Okey dokey,

you get the firecracker nachos.

And you are getting

the prawn bites with spicy salsa.

This seems an unusual place

for someone like you to want to meet.

Yeah but...

everyone needs a place to come

to be alone.

Look at me! Yeah! Look at me!

Get a clown over here, please!

You're a loner?

I'm a loner all right.

I'm just a...

lonely loner

on a lonely road.

Alone.

Do you always wear shades?

Always.

They help me hide the fact

I'm always Iying

to women.

Everyone is having having fun, fun, fun.

'Cause everything is nice

and everyone is friendly.

Lots of friendly faces

having fun, fun, fun.

'Cause everything is nice

and everyone is friendly.

- Smile and the world will...

- Excuse me! Excuse me!

It's just... It's not... Sorry,

it's just not appropriate at the moment.

You're that bloke off the telly!

And you must be the woman he phoned!

Brilliant!

Funniest thing I've seen in ages.

God! I'm a bastard!

Yes. So you keep saying.

Trouble... It's basically what I am.

Thank you.

You know something?

I don't think you're a bastard at all.

I am so.

I am a complete tool.

Oh my God!

No don't, don't! Don't hit him!

I know her.

Hey! What's going on?

Stay out of this, Fonzy!

You're fighting in front of kids!

I don't care!

You're a brute!

This bloke just insulted me!

Hey! Bit more careful

with the clown shoe there, Mister.

Just hold your head back.

Oh God!

He caught me by surprise.

When I see him tomorrow...

- That was his last day.

- Thank God!

Oh my God, look!

If you're coming,

can you just bloody hurry up!

- I'm coming! I...

- God's sake!

I just need to take my shoes off.

They look like such fruits.

- I'll call you a cab.

- No, no, no, it's fine.

- Taxi!

- I'll get my bus.

Don't be stupid, it's cold. Taxi!

- Here.

- Oh God.

Here you can have your 20 back.

I don't really think the bet

proved anything. Taxi!

Thanks, Roy.

- I just want...

- Nice date!

Just a lonely loner

walking a lonely road.

Hi, girls.

My name is Maurice Moss.

Or Moss for short.

Sorry about the sound quality

but I'm having to do this

in the toilet of my mom's house.

She's watching

Diagnosis Murder at full volume.

And it drives me up the wall.

Don't worry, though. I'm sitting on

the toilet but I'm not using it.

What?

- Moss?

- Yes?

What you doing in there?

Number 2s, leave me alone!

Don't forget to flush the toilet.

Don't clog it up like you usually do.

I know! Just stop doing this!

You're always doing this!

You're making it going back in!

Now, my type...

"We don't need no education!"

Yes you do.

You've just used the double negative.

Notice anything?

- What?

- Yes.

Your eyes, something's wrong

with your eyes.

No... I have a new cup.

What's wrong with my eyes?

It's not very distinctive, is it?

How's anyone supposed to know

it's yours?

There's a picture of me on it.

No, there isn't!

- Yes there is.

- No there isn't!

- Moss!

- Yes there is.

I'm sick of my things going walk about.

With this picture,

everyone knows that a certain Mr. Moss

might be looking for his cup...

There is nothing on the cup!

Wrangle with him and you'll find

your handful my friend.

Wrangle! With who?

There's no one there!

- Morning.

- Morning.

Did you have a nice week-end?

- It was alright, thanks.

- Not you!

I did too.

Nice scarf.

- I'm not wearing a scarf.

- Not you, Moss!

Notice anything new about Moss?

His eyes?

What is wrong with my eyes?

No, he has a new cup.

It's the talk of the office.

Yes, I think I read about it in Hits.

Receptionist 3rd floor,

Gloria what's-her-name...

Have you seen her baby?

I didn't even know she was pregnant.

She was onto here!

Yeah, I thought she was stealing

office equipment.

That's how I got that monitor home.

- Do you want to seat here?

- Thank you.

- What?

- Ask me where it is...

- Where what is?

- The picture.

Where is the picture, Moss?

It's on the base, Roy.

OK, well, let's see it then!

Sure, I pour hot water all over myself,

and we all have a good chuckle.

Everyone except muggins here.

Show you in a minute.

Can I ask you two a question?

Please, Christ, yes!

Wait, wait. One moment, wait.

Ok. Go.

How can you two live like this?

- How can you two...

- Don't google the question Moss!

What are you talking about?

It's so disgusting in here.

I mean I know nobody comes down here,

but it doesn't mean you have to live

like animals, you know...

I mean for a start

you could clean that window

and you'd have a bit of light in here.

What window?

That one up there.

Yeah, that's not a window.

Yes it is.

Get it clean, you'll have

some light in here.

I think that we have plenty of light...

light to be doing fine!

I mean look at that CD tray.

Isn't that important,

when you'd like to actually put CDs

in there at some point?

Well, yes, ideally, but

I haven't the heart to move them.

I mean, how did that even happen?

Ok. Now, I'm curious.

Give us a look at the picture then.

What picture?

The picture on the cup.

Right!

Behold!

There's nothing there!

What?!

This isn't my cup!

What is that?

Goat's cheese salad?

You don't like goat's cheese?

I don't like goat's anything!

I don't like goats...

being involved in any stage

of the food production process.

Would I blow everyone's mind

if I ate dessert first?

What are you eating anyway?

It's a bucket of fried chicken.

You know, it comes in a real bucket now.

Tell me,

what's behind that red door?

Nothing.

Well, there must be something behind it.

There's nothing behind the red door,

Jen.

- Well then I can just go...

- No Jen!

It's just a boring old store room,

that's all.

It's just a store room where we keep

the snibbits.

What's a snibbit?

It's a kind of planch.

A planch for the computers?

Yes. Computer planch.

Well, if it's a store room,

- you can store some of this stuff.

- No! Jen, Jen!

Look, I know that you wanna make

your mark down here and,

and that's really sweet, but,

you can't just go messing around

with the snibbits door room,

willy-nilly.

You... You can't upset the whole harmony

of the place.

Harmony! What harmony?

Look, I know that the place

looks like a bit of a mess,

but it's actually a very delicate

ecosystem.

Everything is connected.

It's like the rainforest.

You change one thing,

even the tiniest bit,

and the whole rainforest dies.

You don't want the rainforest to die, do you?

No, I really don't want

the rainforest to die.

That's what will happen

if you open the red door.

Hello, I.T., have you tried

turning it off and on again?

Ok, but are you sure

that it's plugged in?

Ok, well I'll be up in a minute.

What was that about?

Just a girl on four.

Oh, a job?

You gonna go?

Yeah. In a while.

It can wait.

But why can it wait?

She probably needs to get on,

she needs her computer, you know.

Yeah well, I am reading a comic.

I knew it.

Every time I used to phone I.T.

in my last job

it's a good couple of hours

before someone got to me.

That is how we do it.

You can't go up straight away

or they'll all expect it.

You're killing the rainforest!

Stop saying that!

Look there's more than that:

me and this girl,

I asked her out once,

she said no, it all got

a little bit embarrassing

and ever since then, whenever I go up,

she treats me like I'm some sort of

sexually frustrated cretin.

Get up there now, please.

You're not the head of this department.

No, I'm relationship manager.

I'm the one you gets the complaints.

I'm the one who gets in trouble.

I'm the one whose name is on the line...

Oh God! All right,

I will go up just to shut you up.

Watch her!

For God's sake!

There's someone under here.

Yes!

Hello!

Hello?

Did you get it fixed?

Oh, yeah.

Well, left him to it.

- Just can't have him in sight.

- Yeah.

Do what you need and just go.

What are you laughing at?

This flipping circuit board, Jen,

Some chump has run the data line

right through the power supply.

Amateur hour!

I've got tears in my eyes.

Roy's stuck under a desk.

Stuck under a desk?!

Yes. It is an unusual text, isn't it?

It's not just me?

No, it's unusual.

I'd best investigate.

Yes.

You investigate.

I'll hold the fort.

Listen, I'm really sorry

about your hand.

Oh, don't worry about it.

I must have cut it when I swooned.

I startled you a bit.

I didn't know there were anyone else

down here.

I thought it was just the three of us.

I often work at nights so, perhaps

that's why you haven't seen me.

Gosh, it's very cold in here, isn't it?

Air conditioning.

Keep these things cool.

Yes, what are they?

I've no idea.

They have put me in charge of them.

Moss and Roy.

I don't know their names.

I mean,

I don't know any of these stuff

even does.

What's going on there?

I don't know.

Is it good that it's doing that?

Usually, it doesn't do that.

And I think I should tell them, but,

but often I just look away.

And this one:

Flash.

Flash.

Flash.

Then wait for it.

Nothing for a while.

Here it comes.

Double flash.

Brilliant.

It's obvious you are going mad.

So, let me get this straight.

You stay down here all the time.

I pop out occasionally

when I have to get supplies.

And you don't know why you're here,

or what you do.

Correct.

So this is your job?

This is what you want for a career?

No.

You don't understand.

I'm not here because...

I want to be here.

This is...

This is my punishment.

You see, I used to be Denholm's

second in command.

Do I amaze you?

So, how did you end up down here?

That's the question I've been

asking myself for 4 long years.

Oh I... couldn't help noticing

that you're bleeding.

- Yes. No it's fine it...

- Just let me...

- Please I can help.

- I'll deal

with myself at home

but the risk is, honestly...

Oh my...

Oh my God.

Please, excuse, excuse me,

what are you doi...

Get off me! Get...

Thank you.

That should clear up nicely.

Yes, there was a time

when things were very different.

I was one of Reynholm Industries'

top guys.

You should have seen me,

I was magical.

Here's me saying some pretty

important stuff

to a group of people circled

around me.

In a boardroom,

I was a wizard.

A punchy character.

Here's me with a graph.

Things were moving fast.

So fast, my career was advancing

by leaps and bounds.

Adam saw greater things for me.

They were crazy heady days.

It seemed like these days

would last forever.

But it all changed.

So, what happened?

It's quite a long story actually.

Really? Don't worry about it then.

Oh my good gracious me, look at that!

Quick!

What is it?

I can't explain it.

You're just going to have to come

over here,

and look out this window for a while.

Whatever it is, we're not interested.

Well. I have to say you're missing out.

Fine.

Jiminy!

Jones!

Look, the nature of the things

that is happening has changed...

slightly,

rendering it yet more interesting.

Someday, I will tell my kids about this.

But you can't even tell us...

How are you gonna tell your children?

Oh, you have no...

interest in the world.

Are you sure it's okay to come out?

Yeah, don't you worry about those two.

And listen Richmond,

I've always wanted to know yeah,

why do you never see

any Cockney Goths?

That's you cheerful.

It's spoiled for the rest of us.

And how come you never see

Goths driving cars?

We drive cars...

We're just like you really...

except that we listen to

Cradle of Filth.

Cradle of Filth,

I presume that's a band.

It's not literally a cradle of filth?

Oh no. That would be horrible.

Cradle of Filth are actually

one the best contemporary

dark-wave bands in the world.

I'll never forget the first time

I heard them.

Changed my life.

Blew my mind.

I was lucky I discovered them

when I did!

Because it was around that time that

things started to go wrong

for me at work.

I don't know what happened.

Suddenly, people just weren't

returning my calls.

In my strategy meetings,

they'd seemed distracted.

Distant.

I couldn't put my finger on it

but something was wrong.

I'll tell you.

It was good to have

the Filth to come home to

after another disappointing day.

You've got to help Roy!

Richmond's out of his room.

He's not in his room,

he's supposed to be in his room.

Why is he out of his room?

Well, he's gotta come out

and play with us for a while.

But the rainforest and...

What's wrong with you Moss?

Roy's stuck underneath a lady's desk.

What! Still?!

Look, I know that normally

this would be very funny

but he's been under there too long

for reasonable explanation.

That woman looks down, she's going

to assume he's a desk rabbit.

- What's a desk rabbit?

- I just made that up.

But that's probably going to be

what they'll sort of call

people like Roy.

But Roy is not a desk rabbit,

he's my best friend.

Unless you do something so tumble you,

me and Tim Burton over there.

What can I possibly do? I...

Look, she could look under there

any minute.

- It could already be too late.

- I don't know what to do...

You're relationship manager,

that falls under relationship.

Alright, alright.

Just shut you up.

Hello Richmond.

How are things?

Oh you know.

Not brilliant.

He's supposed to be in his room.

There's a builder outside,

taking off his shirt.

- Like in ads?

- Yeah, like in ads...

- Easy one downstairs?

- They're fine, yeah.

I left Moss and Richmond in charge.

Good, well Moss...

Richmond!

He's not out of his room, is he?

Yeah.

What did I say about the red door?

I said don't open the red door!

It was the only thing that I asked you!

What have you got against him?

Just don't like him.

Oh God, you're just like

the rest of them,

the people that turn their backs on him

as soon as he became a Goth.

He obviously hasn't told you

about the funeral.

I think that you should ask him

about the funeral.

Hello Denholm.

Hi Jen.

I'm just enjoying this cup of tea.

Brilliant!

How you doing Jen?

Yeah. Just to say...

I met Richmond.

I see.

It's not for me to say Denholm, but

it sounds like you two

had a good relationship at one point.

You should speak to him.

I'll thank you to keep out of this Jen.

- Goths are people to.

- Enough!

There's absolutely no point to anything.

You're right, no point, it's all futile,

can't even find my cup.

Try to look on the bright side.

Ah! The bright side!

Sometimes, you just think

what would actually change

if I just killed myself.

You're right.

I could just kill myself.

And it'd be so easy, wouldn't it?

So very, very easy.

Richmond!

Get back to your room!

What's the point of sending him

back to him room,

what's the point of anything?

Come on, get brush! Come on!

But she said I could come out.

Well you can't come out.

You're bringing everyone down.

- No, I'm not.

- Yes, he is!

- Come on!

- Thank you.

Okay well then, tell her,

why they sent you down here.

Tell her what you did.

I didn't do anything,

I don't know why I'm down here.

So Denholm just amorted you

for nothing, did he?

No, he changed.

After his father died.

I don't think he ever fully recovered.

From the moment I saw him

at the funeral,

I could tell there was something

different.

Bloody good of you to come, thanks.

Thanks.

Bloody good service, wasn't it? Yeah?

- Thank you.

- Watch your bloody hand!

I'm so sorry.

Here.

It's Cradle of Filth.

It got me through

some pretty bleak times.

Try track 4, Coffin Fodder.

It sounds horrible,

but it's actually quite beautiful.

Relationship manager.

Yes. Yes of course.

First thing tomorrow.

That was Denholm.

He wants to see you.

What is it?!

I can't believe you want me back.

You've got Jen to thank for that.

Her words the other day,

moved me deeply.

Very deeply indeed.

Really? What did she say?

Like I remember!

Point is: it's the effect of her words

that's important.

I now know that treating someone

differently

just because of the colour

of their skin is wrong.

I don't see why things can't get back

to the way they were.

I just don't know what to say.

You're back with the big guys Richmond!

Great!

That's if you're prepared

to take me on again.

You know how demanding I am.

Stop it.

You know how changeable I can be.

Yes Mr. Denholm.

Call me Denholm!

All right, thanks Denholm.

No no. I don't like that.

Don't do it again.

All right, sorry.

In fact, I've changed my mind

about the whole thing.

What? You mean I have to stay down here?

Yes!

And leave me alone you goblin!

Oh well. I suppose it's not quite so bad

now that I don't have

to stay in that room.

Yes, yes.

Well, we're happy to have you.

My milky lens has popped out.

Don't step on it.

You've got... to help me find it.

Oh, actually,

I think it's just popped round the back.

It does that sometimes.

Come on.

Come on. Come on fellow.

Come on.

There.

How about that then?

That looks great!

Told you it was a window.

Bloody lens.

I'd... really ought to...

Actually, I'm gonna...

Thank God.

At least, everything is back to normal.

As long as no one goes through

that door.

OK.

Here we go.

Sit properly?

Cheers.

Bill?

Mick Hucknall.

Hey, this is fun.

- It's been a good night so far.

- Yes, it's been really good, yeah.

Yeah, I'll be honest,

when Julie suggested

we get together, I was like no.

you know, I get set up a lot

by friends, and it never works out.

Tell me about it. Me too.

You know, I hate dates usually.

They should call dates

"Spend some time with a big fat loser!"

But this has been brilliant.

Hey...

I was thinking, afterwards,

maybe you'd like to

come back to my place?

We could listen to the new

Jamie Cullum album.

Maybe, yeah!

Yeah, yeah, that'd be...

really nice actually.

Great.

Let me guess...

You're a...

red wine person?

Yes, yes I am!

I would be too, if we could get

some service round here!

Yeah, you, Hucknall.

When you, when you Simply Ready?

Unbelievable.

Oh, I should say, um,

I don't really like sharing.

So you get what you want,

I'll get what I want

we leave it at that.

I just think it's a lot less confusing.

Sure, sure.

- Did you say Jamie Cullum?

- Yeah.

I hate Jamie Cullum.

Oh, and, just to say,

"I don't really like sharing."

With the rising inflection

and everything.

In a tapas restaurant,

he doesn't like sharing.

What the heck is tapas?

You know, tapas,

- tiny food from Spain.

- Oh, yes.

- Teipas.

- Yeah, that's no how you say it.

Yes it is.

You're a teipas.

What else? What else?

What else?

Oh God, you should have seen him

with the waiters.

- Rude?

- Unbelievable!

Oh yeah, I used to work as a waiter.

If anyone was ever rude to me, I used to

carry their food around in my trousers.

Oh my God! Before you brought it

to their table?

No, after.

Of course before!

Why would I do it after?

Do you think they did that to him?

Okay, well. While he was eating,

did you ear anyone laughing?

Like... in the kitchen area.

Yes!

Yes I did, actually, yes I did.

That'll be trouser food.

- Oh God!

- Yeah.

Probably a good thing

you weren't sharing.

My God!

I could have saved you the trouble.

That guy is famous, he's a mouth.

They call him "The News"

because he was always talking about

who he slept with.

I would honestly rather sleep

with a rat.

Literally.

The thing I cannot understand yet, this:

this is a man Julie on 5th

thinks is perfect for me,

I mean what was she thinking?

Wait a second.

- Who do you know on 5th?

- Why?

What was the name,

was it Judy or Julie?

Why do you need to know?

No reason.

Lots of nice looking girls on fifth.

Looking for an in, aren't we?

An in? No!

Thank you, no.

Don't use my name

to start leching around on 5th.

For your information, I do not lech

I have a little more class than that,

thank you very much.

- Post.

- Thank you.

Oh no, this is wrong.

A lingerie catalogue

for a Cathy Morgan Foreman.

I'll make sure that Cathy gets it.

Cathy Morgan Foreman,

who is Cathy Morgan Foreman?

Cathy works in...

Cathy works

in the department of Shulupust.

- Department of what?

- Oh excuse me, that's my phone ringing.

- I didn't hear anything?

- It's on vibrate.

Hello?

Hello, Cathy!

Yes, you parcel did arrive,

I'm keeping it here safe for you.

No problem at all Cathy Morgan Foreman.

If he comes by...

Right. If who comes by?

The News.

Yes, right?

If he calls,

just tell him something.

- Leave it with me!

- Great!

Although I should just say

I'm not very good at Iying.

I'm very good at Iying.

I thought you were on the phone!

Yeah, I am.

Yes, that's fine.

Hello?

Listen Moss,

you're not going to Court, yeah?

Just tell him something.

It's just... I've never been very good

at judging the scale

- of the lie...

- Yes, stop over thinking everything.

- I couldn’t do it when I was a child,

- You're getting yourself in a tease,

I told a whopper and...

Just tell him I'm busy!

You're busy!

That's brilliant!

Just don't let him in here

under any circumstances.

No!

You're busy!

Hey, um, what was the name of that girl,

that Jen knows, was it Julie or Judy?

Yes, one of those.

Okay, I'm just going to go

for a letch on fifth.

Yes.

Look! I told you she's busy!

Hey, back off, bastard!

This lady's busy!

Too busy for you.

Busy!

Brilliant!

- Hello?

- Hello!

I'm just looking for Jen.

I'm afraid Jen can't see you

at the moment.

She's very busy.

- Is she?

- She's a busy Miss Lizzy!

Good bye!

What is she doing?

She's doing fine.

Not how is she doing, what is she doing?

- Is she in here?

- No.

I won't keep her,

I want to give her these.

- Don't give her.

- I'll give her these.

- She won't like them.

- She won't mind!

She will mind.

It's not a problem.

I won't take any time.

Look, why can't I go in?

Because she's dead!

What?

Yeah, she's dead. She... she died.

She died last night.

She died?!

Yeah!

Completely.

Oh God!

f**k!

I just can't believe it!

Well, I'd hardly make up

something like that, would I?

No, no of course, of course not.

Oh God!

Well, she was a bit off

at the restaurant.

I mean...

Was it the food?

- The tapas, do they know?

- Teipas!

I don't know.

Yes it was, why not.

Oh Jesus!

I know it's terrible, but,

thank God, we weren't sharing.

I just can't get over it.

Yeah, well,

we all have to go sometime.

It's terrible, it's just terrible!

It's bloody awful!

She was so beautiful!

She was some piece of a**.

Anyhow, can't mourn

all the ruddy day, so...

You know...

I was the last person to sleep with her.

- Really? She said that...

- What?

She said she was looking forward to sleeping with you.

I can't believe he lied like that.

Doesn't he realise that Iying

can lead to very serious ramifications?

Hello?

Hello!

I'm Roy!

I.T.

My boss has assigned me to any work

you might want done...

personally.

personal... personally.

Basically, if you want to

just take my card.

And...

if you need anything done

to your computer,

just give me a buzz, on me phone.

It's my mobile phone, so

you won't have to go through

all that call waiting...

Lover.

Okay, thank you, Roy.

You're welcome, Judy.

Oh, I'm not Judy, I'm Julie.

Judy?

Someone to see you!

This man says you should take his card.

The girl from I.T., that's terrible.

I know, terrible, terrible thing.

You know, I was actually the last person

to sleep with her.

Very sudden, yes.

I heard it was some bad tapas.

Teipas.

Yes.

You must be stunned.

I'm flabbergasted

Well, you know where we are

if you need us.

Sure, I'll be fine, thanks.

Just sort of stay away

from this whole area,

while we come to terms with the loss.

Leave me now, I would be alone.

Good lech?

No!

The girl, oh my God,

the girl, Judy, she's a...

- Have you seen this girl?

- What's she like?

- Well, she has hair on her eyes.

- Who has hair on her eyes?

- Not you.

- No.

I'm going for a coffee,

anyone wants anything?

No? Okay, bye!

- Hello?

- Hello?

Hello Judy?

What can I do for you?

Computer is broken!

Is it a PC or a Mac?

Yes!

Well, what's wrong with it?

Broken down!

Yeah, broken down how, Judy?

- Big bang noise!

- Big bang noise, what...

What's the precise nature

of the problem?

MIO

Judy, the battery of my phone is...

- Look at this.

- What?

How nice is this?

I just got a big load of flowers,

and a big card!

And everyone has signed it!

"You will always be in our heart!"

My God! And you said

they weren't nice here!

Yeah.

I don't understand

why they've done this?

Why?

I'll tell for why.

It's because everyone thinks

you're brilliant!

- Really?

- Yeah!

And in fact, everyone thinks

you're so brilliant,

they've just made you

Employee of the Month.

- No?

- Yes!

- No?

- Yes!

- No!

- Yaha!

I don't believe it!

- Please believe it.

- Oh my God!

I didn't even know they had

Employee of the Month here.

No, they brought it in just for you.

I'm gonna go up

and thank everybody right now.

No! Don't do that!

What? Why not?

They'll be embarrassed.

It's embarrassing being thanked.

Don't be silly.

Events seem to be taking

a downward turn.

I told you, stop calling me at work!

Nice and beautiful Jen!

Hello, Small Pall!

Didn't... Are you...

I thought you were sick or something.

Sick? Me? No!

I couldn't be better, I've just won

Employee of the Month.

So, um, you're going my way?

Don't you dare going too fast, no!

Just...

hard to get your head round, you know?

One minute, she's there and

next minute...

just gone.

You know,

I was the last person

that slept with her actually.

She held on so tightly,

you know, it was like...

scary, but,

sexy scary, you know, just like...

Jen?!

It was her!

What are you still doing here Bill,

for God sake, go home!

He was the last person

to sleep with her.

I know... Apparently, she was

pretty hard stuff!

Bye, Small Paul!

Bye Jen, see you.

Oh dear, oh Lord!

At this dreadful hour

we're all reminded how brief

our time is here on Earth.

Sorry, who is it who died?

I don't know.

I believe Mr. Renholm has a few words.

There's one more angel in Heaven.

God, I miss Jen!

She reminded me of me, at her age.

I mean, when I was her age,

she reminded me of her age.

She reminded me of my age at her age.

When I was her age,

she was reminded of me?

I truly liked Jen.

And that en-likening of her

became a friendship.

A friendship which ended so suddenly,

just twelve hours ago...

After... what I gather, was a rather

sensational evening with Bill Crouse!

Bill, you dog!

Where is he?

Still cleaning himself off.

She was special.

So special in fact,

that when I called

my close personal friend

Elton John and told him about her,

he dropped everything,

and offered to come here

and perform for us!

You heard me, he's in the building!

Elton John is going to sing

a beautiful song

about death.

Oh my God, this is so...

so lovely

Thank you, so, so much!

Tank you, thank you, oh God!

Could I, say a few words?

Oh my God!

Thank you, so, so much!

I would...

I would not be standing up here today

if it wasn't for so many things

but, not least,

- Without him...

- Hey, she isn't dead!

Yeah!

You Iying cow!

We want Elton!

We want Elton! We want Elton!

We want Elton!

Okay!

If that Judy woman comes down,

I don't work here,

you've never seen me,

just make up something,

just get rid of her!

She's easy to spot,

she's has three rows of teeth.

Listen, if I needed to get out of

the country, very, very cheaply,

how would I go about doing that?

Hey you!

What did you say about me?

Hello there, Jen!

I would love to stay and chat,

but, I've just received

a telephone call,

saying that my father

has just killed someone.

I need to attend to.

Did you tell everyone I was dead?

Maybe?

Because, um,

they all thought I was dead.

- I know something.

- What? What do you know?

Bill Crouse, he's saying

he slept with you last night.

He's saying what?

He think you're dead,

so he's telling everybody

you slept with him.

He's the one you should be angry at!

Not me! I'm insignificant!

Bastard!

Voicemail!

Hey!

It's Jen!

Stop telling everyone I slept with you!

You bastard!

Must have gone home.

Oh God, my throat hurts.

Well, it's probably all that shouting.

I'm talking, aren't I?

Can you get me his address?

Yes, it might be a bit difficult.

I have to hack into

his private company account,

it might take some time.

There we go.

Oh, I really don't feel very well.

Well, you look terrible.

I'm still talking, aren't I?

You have one new message.

Hey!

It's Jen!

Stop telling people I slept with you!

You bastard!

Where Roy?

Roy is dead!

No, no! Don't breakdown!

Don't break down, you b*tch!

Oh my God, oh my God!

Bloody hell!

Why you do that to me

when I need this chance?

Oh for God's sake!

Now my car is bloody open

and I don't know what it means!

Come on, come on Ritchley...

Street, Ritchley Street.

My God, okay, I'm... Right.

Probably guys, probably guys,

leaving message, funny message,

probably, Bob,

it's Bob leaving funny messages.

And the, the floating head.

It's all stress,

a bit stress is all and...

just fun and games.

Oh God!

Oh God!

Let me in! Let me in Bill!

No!

It's raining! Please, let me in!

No, you're never coming in!

Stop telling people I slept with you!

I will! I will! I'm sorry!

Bastard!

You bastard!

Oh no! I'm sorry!

You bastard!

Small Paul, you're gone now.

You pushed that trolley

a little too hard,

You felt a twinge,

it was your heart and you're dead now...

And now you're running four feet

in heaven...

- Did you know him? - No.

I don't think that's Elton John.

I know you won a party!

But I have to say thank you

to a few people

after what has been

a momentous week for this company.

Project Iccarus has increased

our productivity... 10 folds.

Every department is working

at three times usual speed...

due to the increased interconnectivity

of our...

computer system!

Computers! Computers!

How could I talk about

all that computer stuff,

all... of that computer gobbledegook,

without... saying a word about...

the lawyers!

They cut the red tape!

They cut the red tape!

They cut the red tape!

- Come on!

- Yes!

That's enough!

And when you're talking about computers,

how can you fail to mention...

Accounts!

He's building up to us!

He must be!

And finally, last but not least...

Champagne...

These three people proved,

time and again,

that they have...

the right stuff!

The toilet cleaners!

They said we couldn't do it!

They said outsourcing

our toilet cleaning

would be inefficient!

Derk, Banhead and Doodles

proved them wrong!

Toilets!

That's right Doodles!

Where are you going?

They do this every time.

They never remember us!

But... you did the work!

You did all the work!

So does this mean we're not going

to the "thank you" party?

Of course we're not going

to the "thank you" party!

Why would we go?

We weren't thanked!

Hello? I.T.,

have you tried turning it off

and on again?

Have you tried

sticking it up your arse?

I just realised that was my mother.

God! I was really looking forward

to that, you know.

Fancy to dance.

I'm glad the toilet guys

got the note, though.

They do good work.

Have you been to the toilets on 12th?

It's like going on holiday!

I now try not to go at home, now.

I save it up!

Oh Jesus! Will you please

do something about that poster?

What poster?

Bloody drawer!

That one! The one with the monkey!

It's horrible!

The monkey?

What's wrong with that monkey?

He's not horrible, he's lovely!

He's a lovely little monkey!

What's he doing! A goal!

Not that monkey!

That monkey...

Oh right. That is a bit frightening!

Anyway! I'd better fix this drawer.

Moss! Do you have the hammer?

You're not listening to me!

I hate it when people

don't listen to me!

- Oh God!

- Hey, that much!

Hyena screeching!

It's like someone's killing a cat

in here!

Some kind of shouty cat!

- What's going on?

- God!

Bring it down! Just bring it down.

I'm so, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm just...

I'm just a little bit...

You know...

- You know...

- What?

- What?

- Well, I've got...

- ...you know... at the moment so...

- What?

I've got Aunt Irma visiting.

I Do not like aunt Irma... I've got...

I've got an aunt like that!

It's my term for...

my time of the month...

What time of the month?

The week end?

No.

Does Aunt Irma visit on the week end?

- Moss!

- You know, it...

it's high tide...

- But we're not on the coast.

- Moss!

I'm closed for maintenance.

- Closed for maintenance?

- Moss!

I've fallen to the Communists!

Well, they do have

some strong arguments.

"Carrie", Moss,

first scene in "Carrie".

Yeah. You know, I...

People tell me I'm not great

during this time, so...

I felt I should warn you.

Right. "Not great" what way?

Just... I'm really...

not great to be around, so

- try not to get on my nerves.

- Oh yeah.

Hey, I've had a few girlfriends.

I'm not completely oblivious!

- You won't even know I'm here.

- Okay.

Oh! This is working right...

The afternoon is so great!

Look at that! So smooth!

Stop doing that!

Oh my God!

Sorry! Sorry, but you see what I mean!

You have to be careful.

Yeah! I'll be careful!

- Has she gone yet?

- Yeah.

What was all that about?

Goddamme! Ladies!

God bless them!

What would we do without though?

With their ways...

Their mysterious seasons!

The moon!

Glenn Close! Sheila Riston!

All the different kinds of women.

Smashing!

Oh my appointment.

I've got to go and see the psychiatrist.

I can't believe there's a psychiatrist

in the building.

All because those two from accounts

just had enough of everything

and wanted to go to the seaside.

The seaside?

They committed suicide, Roy!

That's right! Yes, of course.

Why do you have to go and see her?

Because I said Jen was dead, that time.

Oh yeah. Yeah. That'll be it.

She said it was something only

a severely disturbed person would do.

And that now, I have to spend

a lot of time in therapy.

Isn't that great?

Oh well, yes, that's...

That's clearly terrific.

No! No, that's bad!

Why do you think that's great?

The psychiatrist is a very...

attractive lady?

- I see... She's of the female...

- Genre? Yes.

A Dr. Melfi to your Tony Soprano?

She's a glamorous old woman.

Oh, the things you could learn

from her...

Or from any woman.

Is Jen is her office?

- I need to get her to sign something.

- Yeah.

Don't get on her nerves.

How would I get on her nerves?

Hello!

Shouldn't I be on the couch?

No, Maurice. Not today.

I've got some good news.

I think you've downed the corner.

I'm not going on the couch?

You don't need me any more, Moss.

What?

Well, there's obviously

nothing wrong with you.

And I think you're ready now

to do without our sessions.

But I've been feeling depressed!

Oh really? Why?

Because I'm pregnant.

What?

I mean...

I had a dream that I was pregnant.

Well...

There's nothing unusual about that.

But when I have the baby,

I looked down

and saw that it was my father!

- That's normal, Moss.

- Really?

That's the maddest thing

I could think of!

My mother? What if it had two heads?

Moss! Listen, I think you're fine

and there are other people here

who need me more.

But...

I've been having dark thoughts.

Dark thoughts?

Yes. Thoughts about dark things...

What sort of dark things?

Things that are dark...

Like what?

Darkness... night...

Things of the night...

Dracula...

You haven't been thinking

about self-harm?

Self-harm, yes! Harm!

Harm with the self.

Suicide...

For starters, yes.

Moss,

I do not think that you are suicidal.

Why? Why not? I tell you,

I'm at the end of my flipping tether!

Moss! It's not like you

to use that sort of language!

- Flip off!

- Moss!

For God's sake!

- Yes!

- Roy!

Sorry Roy! I may be speaking louder

at the moment

because I'm wearing ear-plugs.

Why are you wearing ear-plugs?

That's right!

- What?

- What's this contraption?

I'm... I'm stealing food

from this machine.

- Yeah!

- You know I do!

Oh, by the way, Roy, your work

on Project Iccarus was very good.

Well done, you did a great job! Thanks!

Yep? I can't hear you!

What's wrong with you?

Oh my God, you're crying?

I'm not crying! You're crying!

- What's wrong?

- Nothing's wrong!

I'm fine! Will you stop getting at me?

You're always getting at me!

I'm not getting at you!

Stop shouting at me!

Why are these things

always so hard to open?!

Oh my God!

Wow, calm down, everybody!

What on Earth is going on?!

I don't know, I feel weird.

I've... I've been swearing

like a flipping docker!

Denholm's just thanked me

for Project Iccarus

and I started crying like an actress!

What's going on?!

Maybe it's all this stuff

that you both eat.

- Oh will you get off that?

- No, honestly, it's true!

Okay, Moss, what did you have

for breakfast this morning?

- Smarties cereals.

- Oh my God!

I didn't even know

Smarties made a cereal.

They don't.

It's just Smarties in a bowl with milk.

Case closed!

It's too much sugar, that's all!

No no! Hold on now!

I basically live on sugar

and we've never had

these problems before.

The only other explanation is...

No, no. It's silly.

What?

Well...

I feel ridiculous even saying it but...

Where I worked before,

there was me and a few other girls,

Liz and Susan and

whenever Aunt Irma was visiting me,

we all kind of...

synchronized.

What's that got to do with us?

Well...

- You think...

- Well maybe...

- You're not saying...

- I know it sounds crazy.

Wow! You don't think

that Aunt Irma is visiting us?

The symptoms, Roy!

I am a man! He's a man! We're men!

Okay, okay! Tell me how you're feeling?

I feel delicate.

And... annoyed...

And...

I think I'm ugly.

That's her!

This is ridiculous!

I've never heard anything so...

bizarre in my life!

Oh stop shouting at her!

You're always shouting at her

and it's not fair! It's not fair!

You don't believe this theory, do you?

- No!

- No.

- It's non sense, isn't it?

- She's so silly!

- Sugar!

- Yeah...

What?

That's not what's causing it.

You think it's Irma?

Yes. Don't you?

No!

I'm a man! We're men!

Well, if it's true,

it's the scientific breakthrough

of the afternoon.

It's not true!

Don't worry,

I wasn't about to look foolish

by jumping to conclusions,

so I've sent an e-mail out

asking everyone's opinions.

Right. Well, that's a good idea.

No, sorry.

Could you run that part to me again?

I've sent it to everyone

in my address book.

You should have one.

What?

Do we have PMT?

You sent this out?!

Oh you signed it from both of us!

You signed it from both of us!

Yes. Along with a list of symptoms.

"Headachy", "Weakened",

"Irritability, anxiety!"

"Breast tenderness!"

I get that, don't you?

Yes!

But you cannot tell

the entire I.T. community

that we have PMT!

Come on! No one would use

that sort of information against us.

Now, wait a second!

They would, wouldn't they? Oh no!

There's probably a whole website

devoted to us already!

Oh I only posted it about an hour ago.

Google our names!

Oh no!

What do we gotta do?

I don't know!

Come on! It's my turn with the bottle.

God, sorry Richmond, sorry.

I always forget you work here.

Yeah. I seldom normally come out

this far, only

could you have a word with Moss and Roy?

Ever since they got famous,

they've been at each other's throats.

- Famous?

- Yes. Google their names.

Oh my God!

How many entries do they have?

Thousands...

Mosse's e-mail's spreading

like a virus!

You've unleashed a monster

with that aunt Irma business.

Yes Richmond. Tell me,

how come Aunt Irma isn't affecting you?

Of course it is!

I've been feeling very gloomy all day!

Not my usual cheery self at all!

Yeah. I guess it's

just difficult to tell

underneath all that make-up.

I'm not wearing make-up!

Could you have a word?

They're driving me out

of my tiny little mind.

Guys! You gonna have to...

Oh my goodness!

What happened to your face?

We had an argument.

Oh God, have you seen this?

What's happening?

The rioting has been going

on all night.

The men involved are young, angry and

almost all of them work with computers.

This is insane! What's going on?!

In Tokyo, two games designers

went on the rampage in a shopping centre

and frightened a dog!

In Hamburg, a group

of software developers

shouted at a bus.

The situation is completely

out of cont...

And it's all because of Aunt Irma.

But how?

You shouldn't have sent out this e-mail

detailing the symptoms.

You know how suggestible

and easily swayed I.T. people are...

- That's not true!

- Yes it is!

No you're right. Of course it is.

You shouldn't have sent that e-mail,

Moss!

Oh don't blame me!

- It's your fault!

- Guys!

Guys, come on! You're fighting!

It's like you're in a trance!

No, you're right!

We shouldn't be doing this!

This is enough! We never fight!

We have to do something.

Yeah, whatever.

I'm going in.

Damn it Roy! I never thought

it would come to this!

The hell it has!

She's the only one that's had

direct contact with Irma.

If we can just calm her down then...

We can hope and pray

that everybody else calms down too.

You've got big balls, Roy!

Thanks.

You're very welcome.

Hiya!

Can't even find a bloody pen in here!

How is my soldier?

What do you want?!

I just came in for a little chat.

You are looking good today!

- Ah, thank you.

- So slim!

Yeah, I'm trying to stay in shape,

you know...

Oh your hair looks great!

Yeah. Hair conditioner.

The action on this is great!

Hello!

Hello Maurice.

I have to tell you

I've a little confession to make.

As you may or may not know,

for ethical reasons,

I'm required not to have any...

relations with any of my patients.

But for the last few months,

I've been developing some

warm...

feelings towards you.

And the real reason

I terminated your therapy

was so that I could explore...

some of these feelings...

I see...

Jen,

I was just wondering,

when you were working

in your old job, with the girls,

if things ever got on top of you,

what would you do to...

relax?

We'd have a big girls' night out.

I'd love that actually.

A big girly night out!

There aren't chances of that round here.

Not necessarily.

Mom?!

This is my psychiatrist.

Oh! No. No, I'm... I'm sorry.

It's just that you...

You look exactly like my mother.

No, no! But that... that...

don't be offended by that.

She's... she's a very sexy woman.

Not not... not that I would want

to have sex with her...

I know that that's what

you psychiatrists think!

But I swear to God

that there's nothing to it in my case!

You know my mother wouldn't stand

for any of that kind of nonsense!

I can just hear her now...

"What are you doing Roy?"

"What are you doing?!"

You handled that well!

That's the psychiatrist!

Yes, I...

I think she's my girlfriend now.

No, Moss! Listen to me.

You can never see that woman again.

She looks exactly like my mother.

Oh stop it. You're exaggerating.

She's the spit of her!

Oh come on. What went on in there?

All right. Okay.

What would you say...

to a big girls' night out?

How big are the girls?

I can't believe I'd never seen

"Steel Magnolias"!

Oh my God! It's good, isn't it?

- I know what we could watch next!

- Yeah!

- Your really liked that film?

- Yes. Didn't you?

No! It was heart-warming!

Well I feel like a princess, Roy!

And don't tell me

you don't feel the same!

Well, my breast-tenderness has gone.

No! What am I talking about?!

I'm a man! We're men!

It's the worst night of my life!

Hiya!

Okay!

Beaches... or... Dirty Dancing!

Oh, Beaches! No! Dirty Dancing!

- Oh I can't decide!

- Do!

God! Dear God!

I don't know which one to watch either!

Oh hey! But you know what we should do?

- What?

- Something else!

Oh! I know!

Why don't we go to the thank you party?

But I thought you didn't want to go.

Well, you know...

Everybody else is there,

and they did nothing

- and we did all the work!

- Yeah...

- Screw them!

- Yeah! Screw them!

- Ok, come on! Let's go girls!

- Yeah!

Ok but first,

10 minutes of Beaches!

www.ladiesproblem.com

Oh Lord!

Oh yes, I suggest

I ask Dr. Mendall to join us.

What?

Moss! Over here!

What shall we do?

Nothing...

I just... I really need to get drunk.

Yeah, I'd like to get drunk.

- We should get drunk together then.

- Okay, yeah.

We should get so drunk

that we don't know what's going on.

All right.

...and, turned out,

4 dead cyclists on my fault!

Brilliant! Same thing I...

I.T. guys! Can we?!

Oh dear.

Oh my God! I didn't!

I didn't!

Good morning!

I've made you a cup of tea.

Ah, thanks mom.

Mom?

That's interesting!

To be continued.