Christian Movie

Word Search

Profanity report:

Seinfeld Season 6 E01-12

I've always wondered why baseball

is so associated with sex.

"He's playing the field. He scored.

He didn't get to first base. "

"I struck out. " "Why?"

"She wanted a diamond. "

It's always baseball,

always baseball.

As far as baseball goes,

I prefer the fat umpires.

If you're on the field

and not in the game...

...you should be in the worst physical

condition a human could be in.

They should be allowed

to eat during the game.

We're too into sports in this country.

We gotta throttle back.

People come home

from these games:

"We won, we won!"

No, they won, you watched.

Okay, Danny. Take a swing.

No, no, no.

- You're opening up your shoulder.

- Really?

No, not really. I'm just saying this to

you because I like to hear myself talk.

Yes, really.

All right, all right.

- What are you all sweating for?

- It's hot in this uniform.

- Hot? What is this?

- What is what?

This uniform. What's it made from?

- I don't know. Cotton?

- No. No, no.

This is not cotton. Here, let me see.

- What are you doing?

- I wanna see the label.

Will you stop it? Come on.

- Oh, of course. Polyester!

- So?

- I can't believe you're not in cotton.

- This is what they give us.

You know they used to make

leisure suits out of this fabric?

- You really think cotton is better?

- Of course.

All right, maybe I'll say

something to Buck.

- Yeah, good idea. Catch you later.

- Yeah.

Hey, don't embarrass me today.

I got some friends in the stands.

- Hot dogs here. Yankee franks.

- Oh, you want one?

- Yeah.

- I'll get it.

- I got it.

- Jerry.

- Elaine, stop it.

- Just because I'm not working...

...doesn't mean I don't have

any money. Yo. Dogs. Two.

All right. I'm sorry.

Your attention, please.

The New York Yankees...

... would like to welcome

Miss Connecticut...

... Miss Rhode Island

and Miss North Dakota.

All of whom will be competing

in the Miss America pageant...

... this weekend in Atlantic City.

Now, there's a career path

you may have overlooked.

Oh, I gotta check my machine. I'm

waiting to hear about an interview.

Doubleday is looking for somebody

to replace Jackie Onassis.

- She worked at Doubleday?

- Yeah, she was an editor.

- Oh, right, just like you.

- Yeah.

- Would you move your feet?

- Yeah.

- Hey, lady!

- Hey, down in front!

- Hey!

- Move your feet.

- I'm going.

- Come on.

- Hot dog?

- No, thanks.

- I'm watching my weight.

- I'm watching my height.

My doctor doesn't want me

to get any taller.

- So you're Miss..?

- Rhode Island.

I was almost Mr. Coffee.

They felt I was a little too relaxed.

Miss Rhode Island?

- When are you seeing her?

- Tonight. I have to call her.

She's staying in a hotel.

- You're incredible.

- And get this:

I'm working Atlantic City

this weekend.

She's gonna be there

for the pageant.

What if she becomes Miss America?

You could be dating Miss America.

The only bad thing is we have

to go out with a chaperone.

Chaperone? What, are you kidding?

- No. It's the contest rules.

- What does the chaperone do?

I don't know. She just sits there.

- Can she talk?

- I'm not sure if she's allowed to talk.

- Are you calling her?

- Yeah.

Yes. Room 417, please.

Karen Hanson.

Hey, did you know the Yankees

don't wear cotton jerseys?

Of course. They're polyester.

Well, what is that? That's a crime.

You know how hot those things get?

They should be wearing cotton.

- Why do they wear polyester?

- I don't know.

That's all gonna change.

- You're gonna do something about it?

- Why shouldn't I?

No reason.

Of course, Jackie O

was a great lady.

Those are gonna be

some tough shoes to fill.

Everyone loved her.

She had such...

...grace.

- Yes!

- Grace!

- Not many people have grace.

Well, you know,

grace is a tough one.

I like to think I have a little grace.

- Not as much as Jackie O, but...

- You can't have a little grace.

You either have grace

or you don't.

Okay, fine. I have no grace.

And you can't acquire grace.

Well, I have no intention

of getting grace.

Grace isn't something

you can pick up at the market.

All right, look. I don't have grace,

I don't want grace...

...I don't even say grace, okay?

- Thank you for coming in.

- Yeah, yeah, right.

We'll make our choice in a few days

and we'll let you know.

- I have no chance, do I?

- No.

All right. Thanks.

Justin Pitt to see you.

- Justin Pitt?

- He was a very close friend...

...of Mrs. Onassis'.

Mrs. Onassis'.

That's hard to pronounce.

- Excuse me?

- Nothing, nothing.

Mrs. Landis, there's something

wrong with this copying machine.

It's all coming out slanted.

Now, I don't know if this

is your department or not.

Justin Pitt, this is Elaine Benes.

Charmed.

I was a great admirer

of Mrs. Onassis.

Hello, Karen?

Hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld.

Oh, that's very sweet of you.

You better be careful.

You don't wanna get too congenial.

They'll slap that

Miss Congeniality on you...

...you'll congenial yourself

right out of the contest.

So, what time

you wanna get together later?

What?

So what?

We don't need the chaperone.

Her chaperone can't make it.

Oh, you're not

gonna get disqualified.

So we're not going?

Come on.

Hold on one second.

- Hey, what are you doing tonight?

- Nothing.

I'm going out with a Miss America

contestant. You wanna go?

What state?

Rhode Island.

They're never in contention.

How do you know?

Because I've seen every

Miss America pageant since I was 6.

Do you wanna go or not?

I'll buy you dinner.

- Giddyup.

- I think I got someone.

The resemblance is uncanny.

Even the brown eyes.

Well, a lot of people

have brown eyes.

No, there's something else.

An indefinable quality.

Grace?

Grace, yes.

You think I have grace?

- Some grace, yes.

- Just some?

Well, you don't want too much grace,

or you won't be able to stand.

Oh, Mr. Pitt.

Elaine, I want you to come and work

for me as my personal assistant.

Now, I'll pay you the same

as Pendant...

...but I would need you

to start right away.

Hey, Buck.

Talk to you for a second?

Sure, George.

How's everything going?

Everything okay?

Well, all of a sudden, there's a

problem with Tartabull's swing, but...

Listen, Buck, obviously

I don't need to talk to you...

...about the importance

of player morale.

But I've been talking

to some of the guys...

...I don't wanna mention any names,

but some of them aren't too happy...

...with the polyester uniforms.

- How so?

- They get very hot in the polyester.

It's not a natural fiber.

I think they would prefer cotton.

- Cotton, huh?

- Cotton breathes.

See, it's much softer.

Imagine playing games...

...and your team is 5 degrees cooler

than the other team.

Don't you think

that would be an advantage?

They're cooler, they're more

comfortable, they're happier...

...they're gonna play better.

- You may have something there.

- Oh, I've got something.

Cotton uniforms.

Congratulations.

Yeah. And the best part is

I still get to look for work in publishing.

- Now, what is it that you do, exactly?

- I attend to his personal affairs.

Like what?

Well, like tomorrow,

for example, I...

- I have to buy him some socks.

- Really?

- Socks.

- Yeah.

White ones.

The ones you wear with sneakers.

Maybe you could pick me up

some underwear.

So, what do you think?

Does this work?

Listen, tonight,

after we finish eating...

...you make like you got

something else to do...

...and recede into the night,

if you know what I mean.

No way.

- What?

- If you think I'm gonna step aside...

...while you defile this woman,

you're crazy.

I'm not going to defile her.

Right, because I'm gonna see

it doesn't happen.

These girls are

Miss America contestants.

It's every little girl's dream.

I'm not gonna let you

trample that dream...

...and make a mockery

of everything the pageant stands for.

No buts.

- Those are my rules.

- Wait a minute.

If you wanna have some good,

wholesome fun with a nice girl...

...I'll help you out.

If you're looking for something more...

...you got the wrong guy, buddy.

- It's just...

If you were Miss America...

...what would you do to make

the world a better place?

As Miss America...

...I would try and bring an end

to world hunger.

If every person sacrificed

one meal a week...

...there would be enough

to feed the whole world.

That's a hell of a plan. Listen...

What advice

would you give young people?

All right, Kramer.

This is important. She's gotta be able

to answer these questions.

She's not gonna have time to think

with millions of people watching her.

Any hesitation could cost her

the crown. You know, poise counts.

- You really know a lot about this.

- Yeah, like last year...

...Miss Texas

should have won easily.

But she lost points

in the swimsuit competition.

- What could she have done?

- Tape her breasts together.

- What else?

- All right, take you for example.

Now, you're very attractive,

but you got a big waist.

- Hey, come on!

- No, no, no, it's okay.

- Go on.

- Well...

...I'd recommend a waist cincher.

- Really?

- Oh, yeah. Just... suck you in.

All right. I'll be right back.

- So, what's your talent?

- Magic.

I'm thinking of a number

from one to 10.

Six.

No, five.

But you were close.

And the Yankees take the field.

Is it my imagination or the Yankees

look a little different tonight?

- I can't put my finger on it.

- From what I understand...

... they switched to cotton uniforms.

Well, they say it's softer.

Well, it is a natural fiber.

How's your eveningwear?

- Well, I'm wearing this red...

- Stop right there.

- No good?

- Disaster.

- Why?

- Well, you got brown eyes.

- You wanna wear a green dress.

- That makes sense.

Well, here we are.

Kramer, would you consider being my

personal consultant for the pageant?

Okay. But if I'm gonna do this...

...we play by my rules

or we don't play at all.

I am in your hands.

Well...

Good night, Jerry.

- Kenneth will take you home.

- Yeah.

Oh, shut the **** up.

- Hey.

- Well, if it isn't Mr. Blackwell.

Oh, come on.

And that waist cincher,

that was the topper.

- Oh, you're pooh-poohing?

- Yes, I pooh-pooh.

Well, let me tell you something.

I'm taking this kid to the top.

To the top, Jerry.

We're going for the crown,

and you can't stop her.

- I don't wanna stop her.

- You can't stop her, Jerry!

Oh, I've seen them come and go,

but this kid has got something.

Yeah, so do you.

- Well, did you see it?

- See what?

The uniforms!

Did you see how they played?

Listen to these comments.

"Wade Boggs, 'What a fabric.

Finally, we can breathe. '

Luis Polonia, 'Cotton is king. '

Paul O'Neill, 'I never dreamed

anything could be so soft and fluffy. "'

- Boy, they really sound comfortable.

- Hey, where you going?

- I'm working Atlantic City.

- Really?

Hey, you're not working.

Why don't you come down.

Atlantic City?

Yes. Yes.

I will go to Atlantic City.

I'm in. I'm down.

Maybe Elaine wants to go too.

Let me call her.

She's at Mr. Pitt's.

I think I got the number.

So, what do you think?

- No.

- What..?

- You don't like them?

- No, I don't like them.

- What's wrong?

- They're too tight.

- Too tight?

- There's no elastic.

You need to pull too much.

I think they look good.

They're cutting off the circulation.

All right. I'll take them back.

- Hello?

- Hi, Mr. Pitt. Is Elaine there?

It's for you.

Sorry.

- Hello?

- Hey, Elaine, it's me.

- Jerry.

- Yeah. We're going to Atlantic City.

- Really? When?

- Today. Right now. You in?

One second, one second.

Hang on, hang on.

Excuse me, Mr. Pitt. Would it be

all right if I got the socks tomorrow?

- Tomorrow?

- Yes.

I was hoping

for my new socks today.

- Well, it's just one more day.

- I'm sorry. I must have them today.

I can't go.

- Why not?

- Because I have to return the socks...

...and get different ones.

- Elaine!

I gotta go.

No.

All right, watch me.

Turn. Back.

Head up. Shoulders back.

- Posture. See? Posture.

- Yes, I see. Okay.

All right, let's try

a few more questions. All right?

"If you were Miss America

and the U.S. was on the brink...

...of a nuclear war and the only way

the conflict could be averted...

...was if you agreed to sleep

with the enemy's leader...

...what would you do?"

Kramer, are these questions

really that important?

Yes, they're important!

If you stumble, if you hesitate,

you can kiss the crown goodbye.

Now, if I told you once, I've told you

a thousand times, poise counts!

It's just as important

as the others.

Swimsuit, eveningwear,

talent, poise!

- Hey. How was the show?

- Good. How was roulette?

I won 50 bucks. This is great.

Too bad Elaine's not here.

Yeah. All she had to do

was buy Mr. Pitt a pair of socks.

- It's good, but...

- But what?

- Ultimately, I don't think they'll stay up.

- No. No, they'll stay up.

For a while, yes,

but not in the long run.

But that's why I got you

the tighter ones.

Forget about those!

- Why do you keep mentioning those?

- What do you want?

I want a decent sock

that's comfortable...

...that will stay on my foot!

- What the hell is that?

- I don't know. It sounds like pigeons.

- Well, I can't sleep with that noise.

- Me either.

Is there anything you can do

to shut them up?

Wait a second.

This will scare them off.

- Well, good night, Ollie.

- Good night, Stan.

- What is it?

- My doves. They're dead.

I trained those birds for eight years.

How am I supposed to do

my magic act now?

- How did this happen?

- They like it outside...

...so I kept them in a cage

on the terrace...

...then I found them dead

in a pool of water.

- But how did this happen?

- It must have been an accident.

Accident?

This was no accident.

These doves were murdered.

Well, that's it.

She's out of the pageant.

- What? Why? What happened?

- Her birds are dead.

- Birds?

- Yeah, birds.

She's got these trained doves.

She does a magic act.

That was her talent for the pageant.

You know what I think, Jerry? I think

somebody murdered those doves.

Somebody wanted her

out of that contest bad.

Somebody who was

just eaten up with jealousy.

Somebody who couldn't stand to have

the spotlight taken off of them.

What are you looking at?

Oh, that. We...

We had to leave that outside

last night...

...because the water

was making the room too cold.

That's...

- You killed them.

- No. You don't understand.

It's not what you think.

It was an accident.

Don't think that you've won, because

you haven't. This kid is a fighter.

And if you think I'm gonna let a couple

of dead birds get in our way...

...you're crazy!

- Kramer, you gotta...

What was that all about?

Oh, it was just Kramer. Apparently

I killed Miss Rhode Island's doves...

...with the bucket of water

last night.

Ladies and gentlemen,

that was Miss Texas.

Wasn't she wonderful?

And now, continuing with

the talent portion of the competition...

- Okay, this is it.

- How you feeling?

- I'm a little nervous.

- There's nothing to be nervous about.

But I've never sung

before in my life.

And now, let's welcome

Karen Ann Hanson...

... Miss Rhode Island.

I heard those doves

were really incredible.

That's a shame.

It's like watching

an animal get tortured.

- Hey, hey. Yankee game.

- Oh, great. All right.

And the Yankees take the field.

What is with the Yankees? They look

like they're having trouble running.

- They can't move.

- It's their uniforms. They're too tight.

They've shrunk. They're running

like penguins. Forget this game.

Oh, my God,

Mattingly just split his pants.

That's a shame.

Poise. Poise.

The Miss America pageant

seems like a really tough contest.

You come out there in the

bathing suit and the dress shoes.

They got that

sanitized-for-your-protection...

...toilet-seat thing hanging off them,

you know?

Plus, they gotta wear

all the other outfits. I don't know why.

The bathing suit is the contest.

You win the bathing suit, you win.

Everybody looks good in formalwear.

It's dark, it covers everything.

That's why we have weddings in it.

If we had weddings

in bathing suits...

...a lot of ceremonies

wouldn't get past:

"If anyone sees any reason...

...why these two people

should not be joined together... "

About 80 hands go up.

I find it fascinating, when you go

in the stationery store...

...that they're manufacturing

millions of pens constantly.

We're all buying them. I must have

bought 6000 Bics in my life.

I've used up maybe two of them.

Where's the rest of them?

Move a refrigerator,

there's a couple there.

But that doesn't account for it.

Where are all the pens?

That's why it's embarrassing

if you don't have one.

"You got a pen? Can I borrow a pen?"

We always have to whisper...

...because it's so humiliating.

"I don't have a pen. "

"They're making millions

of them every week. "

"I know. Where are they?"

May I help you?

Yeah, hi.

I'm looking for a Rolamech 1000.

- It's a mechanical pencil.

- Oh, I know the Rolamech 1000.

No, I'm sure you do.

They're pretty expensive.

Well, it's for my boss.

What do you do?

Whatever.

Well, we don't have any

in stock right now...

...but I would be happy

to order it for you.

Just give me your phone number...

...and when it comes in,

I'll give you a call.

Your name is..?

Elaine.

Elaine.

- And your last name?

- It's just Elaine. Like Cher.

And your number?

It's KL5-2390.

Okay. Thanks a lot.

- You'll be hearing from me.

- Okay. So long.

- Why did you give him my number?

- Don't worry about it.

I think he got ideas.

I wonder if any woman

ever said that about Einstein.

Just call me when

the pencil comes in.

Why does Mr. Pitt prefer

a pencil to a pen anyway?

Hey, look who's here.

Hey.

- Hi, Jerry.

- Hi, Julie.

Elaine, Julie.

- Hi.

- Oh, hi. Elaine's my middle name.

Mine's Ike.

Hey, wanna get some lunch?

Just had a big bowl of Kix.

Oh, well, that's very mature.

- What about you?

- Oh, please come, Elaine.

No. Maybe you could

bring me back something.

- Sure, all right. What do you want?

- I don't know.

- A big salad.

- What big salad?

- I'm going to the coffee shop.

- They have big salads.

I've never seen a big salad.

They have big salads.

Is that what I ask for,

the big salad?

- It's okay. Just forget it.

- No, hey, I'll get it.

What's in the big salad?

Big lettuce, big carrots.

Tomatoes like volleyballs.

So you gonna be upstairs?

See you in a little while.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Maybe I should just get married.

Dating really is getting

embarrassing, isn't it?

I know. Whenever I'm on a date,

I always feel like people can tell.

People on dates shouldn't be

allowed out in public.

It's embarrassing for them.

It's painful for us to watch.

I'm going out with someone later,

I'm not even taking her out.

- Good for you.

- I don't need people staring at us.

You're telling me.

What was that?

Gendason. What a jerk.

I'm never playing golf

with him again.

- Who? Gendason?

- Steve Gendason.

Why does that name

sound so familiar?

- He used to be a baseball player.

- How'd you end up golfing with him?

I met him on the course

a couple years ago.

Yeah. Played with him a lot.

But today was it.

We're on the 15th hole.

He's beating me by a couple

of strokes.

Then he's about to hit

his second shot...

...when he picks up the ball

and cleans it.

- So what?

- Sorry.

The rules clearly state you cannot

clean the ball unless it's on the green.

- The rules are clear about that.

- Certainly are.

- So I penalized him a stroke.

- So, what happened?

He lost it!

We almost came to blows.

We're face to face,

like a manager and an umpire.

We're like,

"Hey, what are you talking about?!

- Think I'm gonna put up with that?!"

- All right. All right! You're in my face.

I don't see what the big deal is.

Hey, a rule is a rule. And let's face it,

without rules, there's chaos.

I like Anna Quindlen's column.

And Safire.

Don't you like Safire?

Safire.

Although at times

he can be rather pedantic.

He can be pedantic.

He can be pedantic.

And Bob Herbert's great.

He worked for the Daily News.

Yes. Yes.

You know what's interesting?

The quarterback

for the Atlanta Falcons...

...is Bobby Hebert, no R...

...which I find fascinating.

You know, it's Herbert...

...H- E-R-B-E-R-T...

...Hebert, H-E-B-E-R-T.

Hebert. It's a fun name to pronounce.

Try and say it. Hebert.

Go ahead, take a shot. Hebert.

All right.

- Thanks. I got it.

- No. I'd like to pay.

Now, Julie, Julie, don't insult me.

What difference does it make

who pays? It's meaningless.

- Okay, thanks, George.

- Here's your big salad to go.

Oh, thank you.

Hello.

No, she's not here.

Okay, fine. Whatever.

Yes, I'll tell her.

Okay, goodbye.

Stationery-store guy called

to say he ordered your pencil.

I told you. He has ideas.

He doesn't even care

if a man answers.

Or you.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Hey.

- Sorry we're late.

- It's no problem.

- Here's your big salad.

- Thank you, Julie.

You're very welcome.

So I guess I better get going.

Meeting Mother at the Guggenheim.

You don't wanna go?

No, you Guggenheim.

I'm not much of a Guggenheimer.

- You sure?

- Yeah, yeah. You go.

- Okay, I'll see you later. Bye-bye.

- Bye-bye.

Did you see

what just happened here?

Well, that all depends.

Did you happen to notice that Julie

handed the big salad to Elaine?

- Yeah, so?

- Well, she didn't buy the big salad.

I bought the big salad.

- Is that a fact?

- Yes, it is.

She just took credit for my salad.

- That's not right.

- No, it isn't.

- I'm the one who bought it.

- You did.

- She should've said something.

- She could have.

- Oh, I know.

- Imagine...

...her taking credit

for your big salad.

You buy a big salad for somebody,

it would be nice if they knew it.

Obviously.

- Turn on the TV.

- What?

Put it on. Put it on!

Neither the district attorney's office

nor the police department...

... have answered

any questions as yet.

To repeat,

in case you're just joining us...

... former baseball star

Steve Gendason has been taken...

... to police headquarters

for questioning...

... in the murder of Bobby Pinkus,

the owner of Royal Dry Cleaners...

... at 2759 Amsterdam Avenue.

According to Pinkus' wife...

... Gendason had been involved

in a dispute with the cleaner...

... over a stain on a pair

of gray Sansabelt slacks.

We also have a report that

earlier in the day...

... a groundskeeper at

Van Cortlandt golf course...

... reportedly saw an irate Gendason

leaving the clubhouse in a huff.

Whether there is a possible

connection between the two...

... is something we'll just have

to wait and find out.

- Jerry.

- Well, it had nothing to do with you.

Yeah, but maybe he was so mad

from the penalty stroke...

...that he murdered the dry cleaner.

Generally speaking,

you don't need any extra incentive...

...to murder a dry cleaner.

I wouldn't worry about it.

- I like Julie. She's very personable.

- Yeah, she's lovely.

- That's great, George.

- Yeah.

- So did you enjoy your lunch?

- Yeah. The big salad.

It was very good.

Actually, it was too big.

- Why?

- Oh, no reason.

Because, you know,

she handed you the bag.

I could have handed you the bag.

But she happened to picked it up

at the restaurant, even though...

Even though what?

It's just...

You thanked her, even though...

What's the difference?

What? What are you

trying to say, George?

It's just that I was the one

that actually paid for the big salad.

She just happened to hand it to you.

But it's no big deal.

You want the money

for the big salad, George?

- No, no.

- Then what is your problem?

There is no problem.

Just a small miscommunication

whereby you thanked her...

...instead of the person

actually responsible...

...for the purchasing

of the big salad.

Kramer played golf with him,

and Kramer thinks a penalty stroke...

...may have driven him to it.

Well, they haven't even

arrested him yet.

Come on. Let's go out.

No, I don't think so.

Why not?

We don't need a bunch of people

staring at us.

- Who's staring?

- Oh, they're staring.

They know we're on a date.

They're making fun.

Come on. It's embarrassing.

Hello?

No, she's not here.

Yes, I will tell her.

No, I don't know what time

she might be coming back.

Look, I gotta go.

Bye.

That's... It's a long story.

Hello, Newman.

Hello, Jerry.

I was wondering if you knew...

...where Kramer was.

- No, I don't. Why?

You know, Gendason.

This is something, isn't it?

- I suppose.

- What did Kramer say?

- I don't know. Nothing.

- Come on, Jerry.

You know something.

Tell me! Tell me!

Oh, Chunkys.

Margaret?

- Hello.

- You two know each other?

You might say that.

We used to go out.

Well, toodle-loo.

Nice seeing you again, Margaret.

Bye, Jerry.

Have fun.

You went out with Newman?

- Just a few times.

- Why?

- I liked him.

- You liked Newman?

Look, I'm a little uncomfortable

talking about this, okay?

No, I'm sorry. I'm just a little curious.

Why did you stop seeing him?

He ended it.

He ended it?

Yes. Yes.

It was a couple of years ago.

Why, does it matter?

No. No, of course not.

Jerry, they found a tee.

- What tee?

- A golf tee in the dry cleaner.

Newman.

She went out with Newman.

- It must be a mistake.

- No. It isn't.

And the most distressing part

is not that she went out with him...

...but that he stopped seeing her.

Do you understand?

He, Newman...

...Newman stopped seeing her.

Newman never stops

seeing anybody.

Newman will see

whoever is willing to see him.

So the question, then, is not

so much why did she see him...

...as disturbing as that is...

...but why did he, Newman,

stop seeing her?

Perhaps there's more to Newman

than meets the eye.

No. There's less.

- It's possible.

- No, it isn't.

I've looked into his eyes.

He's pure evil.

Maybe he's an enigma.

A mystery wrapped in a riddle.

Yeah. He's a mystery

wrapped in a Twinkie.

- Can I get you some more coffee?

- No, but thank you.

By the way, your stationery-store guy

called. He's got your pencil.

You are kidding me.

No. He left the store early, made a

special trip to the distributor and got it.

I bought one yesterday

on 14th Street.

What did you do that for?

He already ordered it.

- I wanted to please Mr. Pitt.

- You better go down and tell this guy.

- He's very excited.

- Oh, boy.

- Oh, hi, Julie.

- Hi.

- Hi, Julie.

- How are you, Elaine?

- I'm meeting George here.

- Well, then I better get going.

Otherwise George will make me

buy him lunch...

...to make up for that big salad

he bought me yesterday.

How do you know that?

- Who is it?

- It's Jerry.

It's kind of a bad time.

Could you come back later?

Come on, Newman, open the door!

Hello, Jerry.

What a rare treat. What brings you

down to the east wing?

Okay, pudgy, let's stop playing games.

What happened with Margaret?

Don't get excited.

Can't we discuss this like gentlemen?

No, we can't. My skin is crawling

just being inside your little rat's nest.

- Now, what happened?

- You wanna know what happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

She wasn't my type.

- Not your type?

- Not really.

- Well, how come?

- She just didn't do it for me.

- What is wrong with her?

- Well, if you're happy with her...

...that's all that matters.

- You don't think she's attractive?

- No.

I need a really pretty face.

But, hey, that's me.

Okay, Newman. Thanks a lot.

- Care for some lemonade?

- No, thank you.

Drop by anytime, Jerry.

Jerry. All right, now, listen to this.

"If a player cleans his ball

during play of a hole...

...except on the putting green,

he shall incur a penalty of one stroke. "

- That's the rule.

- It's just a friendly game.

- Why are you always such a stickler?

- That's the way I was raised.

When I was growing up,

I had to be in bed every night by 9:00.

And if I wasn't... Well, I don't have

to tell you what happened.

What are you so worried

about this for?

You know he talked about Pinkus

on the course?

- He did?

- Oh, yeah.

He said he brought his pants to

Pinkus', and they came back stained...

...with some kind

of dry-cleaning fluid.

And Pinkus denied responsibility.

You see?

He was very upset at Pinkus.

So it had nothing to do with you.

Yeah, but maybe I pushed him

over the edge.

- No, I don't think so.

- Poor Pinkus.

Poor little Pinkus.

Hey, let me ask you a question.

You met Margaret.

You think Margaret's good-looking?

She's a natural beauty.

No makeup? I like that.

Yeah. And the curls?

You like the curls?

- Oh, I love curls.

- Yeah. Yeah, me too.

- I'll see you later.

- Where you going?

- Gendason's.

- You're going to see Gendason?

It's weighing on my conscience.

I think I could have played with dolls

if there were dolls in the house.

It seems like fun to me.

It doesn't seem like a gender thing.

I think I would like to play with dolls.

What's so terrible?

So, George, I was talking

to Elaine before...

We're just friends.

Yes, well, anyway, she said something

that was kind of intriguing.

Share.

Well, when I came over to the table,

she mentioned something...

...about how she'd better hurry up and

leave or you'd make her buy lunch...

...to make up for the one

you bought yesterday.

I'm not following.

Well, my question is, how could Elaine

be under the impression...

...that you bought the big salad...

...when I was the one

that handed it to her?

Well, she probably just assumed.

Did she?

Wait a second.

Are you suggesting that I went

out of my way to tell Elaine...

...that even though you handed her

the big salad, that it came from me?

That's what I'm suggesting.

Well, it was a big salad.

And what I would like to know

is how does a person...

...who has virtually nothing

to do with the big salad...

...claim responsibility

for that salad...

...and accept a thank-you

under false pretenses?

George, all I did was

hand someone a bag.

It's just that my boss

is very demanding...

...and he needed the pencil

right away.

Well, why did you tell me

to order it if you knew...

...you were going to get one

someplace else?

No, I didn't know. I'm sorry.

I went all the way down

to the warehouse.

It took me three hours.

I had a big fight with the foreman.

Really? A fight with the foreman?

- Yes.

- Well, again, I'm just awfully sorry.

Yeah?

Well, then how about

going out with me?

Okay.

I mean, they found a tee.

And he played golf that day.

Nobody walks into a dry cleaners'

with a tee.

The circumstantial evidence

is overwhelming.

You had how many dates with him?

Three?

Around three. I don't know.

And..?

I told you, he stopped calling me.

I moved on. I'm not hung up on him.

- What are you looking at?

- What? I'm not looking. Nothing.

Why are you looking at my face?

Where am I gonna look?

Kiss me.

I can't.

Newman.

Newman ruined it.

All I could think of...

...when I was looking at her face was,

"Newman found this unacceptable. "

I'm going out

with the stationery-store guy.

You're going out

with the stationery-store guy?

I felt so guilty about the pencil

I couldn't say no.

Well, well, well.

I'm not treating you

to lunch anymore!

You had to tell Julie that I made

a special point of telling you...

...that I bought you

the big salad, didn't you?

You know, if it was a regular salad,

I wouldn't have said anything.

But you had to have the big salad!

Hello?

What?

You're kidding.

I'm turning it on.

Oh, my God, get out of here.

Hey, listen to this. They issued

a warrant for Gendason's arrest.

He escaped, and the police spotted

him on the New Jersey Turnpike.

As you can see,

he's in a white Ford Bronco.

The police have cleared

the highway traffic in front...

... but they are keeping

their distance.

They don't want this situation

to escalate.

And we have gotten an identification

on the driver of the vehicle.

His name is Kramer...

... and he's reportedly one

of Gendason's golfing buddies.

911, what are you reporting?

Yeah, this is Kramer.

I got Gendason in the car.

Now, he wants to see his fish.

I'm taking him to see his fish,

so tell the police to back off.

Okay, sir. And what's your name?

My name is Kramer.

You know who I am, damn it!

- I told you not to take the turnpike.

- I thought we would blend in.

If you took the Palisades,

this wouldn't happen.

- Then we would've had bridge traffic.

- Just drive.

To me, murder doesn't even really

seem like that great of a revenge.

Wouldn't years of subtle psychological

mind games be a lot more satisfying?

Constantly calling them and hanging

up when they pick up the phone.

Sending pizzas and taxis

to their house all night long.

After a while they go, "I wish this guy

would kill me. I can't take it anymore!"

How come when the police

catch some really bad criminal...

...they put him in the handcuffs,

hit him with the baton...

...put the chokehold on him, but then

they don't want him to hurt his head...

...when they're putting him

in the patrol car.

"Watch your head. Don't hit that

metal edge there. That really hurts. "

There's something insincere

about greeting cards.

They're like these little

$1 folded-paper...

...emotional prostitutes, isn't it?

"I don't know what my feelings are,

so I'll pay some total stranger a buck...

...to make up this little

Hallmark hooker to do the job for me.

So I can go,

'Here, I didn't write this...

...but whatever they wrote,

I think the same thing. "'

Wouldn't it be better

to have one card...

...that covered every occasion

for everybody in one shot?

"Happy birthday, merry Christmas,

happy anniversary, congratulations...

...it's a boy

and our deepest sympathies. "

Signed, "The whole office. "

She was hitting on you?

My friend Noreen?

Your friend Noreen.

- Sure you're not flattering yourself?

- If I was flattering myself...

...I think I'd come up with someone

a little less annoying than Noreen.

I cannot believe that

she was hitting on you.

- If you don't believe me, ask her.

- I will. Besides, she's got a boyfriend.

You know him, Dan. Remember,

we went to that party at his house?

- The guy with the really high voice.

- Yeah.

Jerry, did you get my Fortune

magazine in your mail?

Check the pile.

Yeah, yeah.

- Who sent you a card?

- I don't know.

Open it. It's from Hallmark.

- Hello, my love.

- Hello, darling.

Isn't that cute.

A thank-you card from Kristin.

Let me see.

- Who's Kristin?

- Works for PBS.

Met her when I agreed to do

the pledge drive.

Did you ask her about me?

Yeah. In fact, she said that you could

sit in the back and answer the phone.

Giddyup! All right.

So now, how does that work?

What, I get a percentage

of every pledge I bring in, right?

No. It's not aluminum siding.

It's volunteer work.

All the money goes to the station.

Okay, yeah. That sounds good.

But I still get a tote bag, right?

Yeah, and one of those

foam beer-can holders.

You know what I'm doing?

- I'm calling Noreen.

- Go ahead.

- You sure you don't mind?

- Like she'll admit she was flirting.

- Hello?

- Hi. It's Elaine.

- Listen, I was just talking to Jerry.

- Jerry?

- Jerry Seinfeld.

- Oh, I like Jerry a lot.

- You mean "like" like?

- What are you talking about?

Noreen, were you hitting on him?

Noreen's not here.

This is Dan.

Did you say that Noreen

was hitting on Jerry Seinfeld?

I'll call you back later.

So was I right? She likes me, right?

Hello.

It's for you. Must you keep giving

my number out?

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Pitt.

- Hello.

- Elaine, what is going on?

Why did you tell Dan

I was hitting on Jerry Seinfeld?

- Is this Noreen?

- What would ever possess you...

...to make up a story like that?

Well, listen, Jerry mentioned it,

and I didn't believe...

I think I deserve an explanation.

Noreen, are you crying?

No, this is Dan.

- Hi, Dan.

- Elaine?

Work?

Tell Noreen I'll just

call her back later.

Who was crying?

No one. I'm sorry, Mr. Pitt.

That won't happen again.

I'm sure it won't.

But someone was crying...

...and I want to know who it was.

Well, it's a long story, okay?

But my stupid friend Jerry

told my other friend Noreen...

...that she was...

...you know, hitting on him.

And so I called her to see

what was going on...

...and I accidentally got her boyfriend,

who is this...

...you know...

I'm Jerry Seinfeld.

I tell jokes for a living...

...but there's no joking about

the financial crisis at PBS.

Show us you care.

Call in your pledge now.

Jerry, I am so grateful

that you're doing this.

Oh, I know you are.

- You got the card I sent?

- I did.

- So where is it?

- What?

The card.

Is this it in the trash?

No.

This is my card. You threw it away.

- Well...

- I put a lot of thought into this card.

You signed your name

and you addressed the envelope.

It's not like you painted the picture

and wrote the poem.

Oh, fine.

I gotta get back to the office.

Why, because I threw the card out?

How long was I supposed to save it?

You have no sentimentality.

I have sentimentality.

Really. I'm sentimental.

Here, look.

Here's some cards I've saved.

These are birthday cards

from my grandmother.

- I'm not a bad guy.

- So you save her cards but not mine.

Oh, great!

Well, but you see,

I saved something. See?

I can save.

I'll see you

at the pledge drive, okay?

Well, new cards, huh?

No. They're old cards

from my grandmother.

Well, I'll tell you, a nice greeting card

can really lift a person's spirits.

Yeah.

- A check.

- Yeah, she puts $10...

...in every birthday card.

That's why I save them.

There's a check in all these?

Why don't you cash them?

I don't know. It's $10.

Yeah, but you got a whole pile here.

Look at this, 1987.

- So what?

- Your grandmother gave you this gift.

She wants you to spend the money,

to have the fun that she can't have.

This is tantamount

to a slap in the face.

- Oh, get out of here.

- Jerry...

...a gift not enjoyed is like

a flower that doesn't blossom.

All right. All right.

I'll cash the checks.

Yeah.

It was a thank-you card from Kristin

because I'm doing the PBS drive.

I mean, how long am I supposed

to keep it?

The rule's a minimum of two days.

You making that up, or you know?

I'm making it up.

I mean, really, what is the point

of saving it?

I could see if I had a mantel.

Well, a mantel's

a whole different story.

- Absolutely.

- If my parents had a mantel...

...I might be

a completely different person.

So anyway,

she's kind of upset about it...

...so I need you to do me a favor.

- Let's have it.

- Well, I'm doing the PBS drive.

So during the show, they're running

the Ken Burns Baseball thing.

So I thought if I could get

a baseball player...

...to come on the show with me...

- You want me to ask a Yankee.

- Could you?

All right.

- I'll run it by a few people.

- All right. Do your thing...

...where you lie to everyone.

I should never have made

that phone call.

- Did you ever get to talk to Noreen?

- Yes. She's very upset.

So was I right about the flirting?

Was it true?

I don't know. I never asked.

She was yelling...

Who was flirting with you?

Remember when we were

in the bookstore?

That woman came up to us.

- She wasn't flirting with you.

- Oh, sure she was.

Asked me where

the humor section was.

Humor? Come on.

Jerry...

...her brother just had a book

of political cartoons published.

All right. So maybe she wasn't

flirting with me. So what?

Oh, yeah, that's funny.

Hey, you wanna hear

something weird?

Mr. Pitt...

...eats his Snickers bars...

...with a knife and fork.

- Really?

- Yes.

Why does he do that?

He probably doesn't wanna

get chocolate on his fingers.

That's the way these society types

eat their candy bars.

Oh, you know.

What, you think I eat

all my meals with you?

Excuse me. Sweetheart?

I think you may have

overcharged us.

- What is this?

- That's the extra toast.

Get it?

Got it.

Did you just see

what happened here?

What?

Did you see the way

she pointed at the check?

She gave me the finger.

That's how waitress types

express derision.

They don't wanna get

their mouths dirty.

So, what do you think?

PBS fundraiser?

I'm not gonna waste

the players' time.

Besides, the team already does

so much promotion for Channel 11.

Channel 11.

Forgive me for trying

to class up this place.

For trying to have the Yankees

reach another strata of society...

...that might not watch Channel 11.

What the hell are you doing?

I am eating my dessert.

How do you eat it,

with your hands?

You know, maybe George

has something here about PBS.

Okay, 60 bucks from Nana.

Yeah.

- Hello?

- Hello. This is Chemical Bank.

Just wanted you to know that

your checking account is overdrawn.

Chemical Bank?

I haven't used that account

in months.

Well, someone's been cashing

the checks, and you're overdrawn.

Oh, dear.

I'll be down there first thing

in the morning.

Wait, we can do this

over the phone.

You got Danny Tartabull?

You wanted a Yankee,

I got you a Yankee.

You really came through.

Kristin's gonna be thrilled.

The Bull owes me one.

I helped him with his swing.

So you're bringing Danny Tartabull

to the fundraiser tonight.

Absolutely.

Pending approval of the script.

- Excuse me?

- Jerry, I'm Yankee management.

- Yeah, I'd like to see the script too.

- You're just answering phones!

It would put me at ease.

Hey. When you order,

get the waitress to point to the menu.

I wanna see what finger she uses.

Say, I wanted a side order of fruit,

but I didn't see it on the menu.

You'll get it.

Comes with your breakfast special.

Right you are.

You know, I didn't get the special,

but I'd also like the fresh fruit too.

I'll check.

I don't believe it. She did it again!

Oh, she had an itch.

Had an itch.

She could have used any finger.

That finger was meant for me.

Yeah. She knew what

she was doing.

By the way, lunch is on me.

I just cashed my nana's

birthday checks.

Looking for something, lady?

Isn't the Chemical Bank on this block?

The bank. It burned.

It's gone.

Oh, dear.

You know, what you wanna do

is go down to 49th Street.

That's the main

customer-service branch.

Ask for Mr. Fleming. He'll help you.

- Hello.

- Jerry, hello.

- Uncle Leo.

- Listen, I don't wanna alarm you...

...but your nana is missing!

Nana's missing?

I came to pick her up

for her doctor's appointment.

She wasn't here. I called the doctor.

Nobody knows where she is.

She hasn't left the apartment

in 25 years.

I've been thinking about her.

I just cashed some of her checks.

- That's right.

- What kind of checks?

- I think Chemical.

- They were Chemical.

Chemical? She hasn't used that

account since her branch closed.

What are you doing

cashing her checks anyway?

Kramer thought it would

make her happy.

I never should have cashed

those checks!

Hey, I didn't twist your arm.

Your grandmother's on

a very fixed income.

What are you, broke?

All right, just call me

if you hear anything.

Well, I cash the checks,

the checks bounce...

...and now my nana's missing!

- Well, don't look at me.

- It's your fault!

My fault?

Your nana is missing...

...because she's been passing

those bum checks all over town...

...and she finally pissed off

the wrong people.

So anyway, it's caused

a lot of problems.

Dan thinks I'm interested in Jerry.

He won't let up.

Well, I'm really sorry.

But you can see why

I'd make a mistake like that.

No. Why?

Well, you know,

because he's a high talker.

Well, he does raise his voice

occasionally, but that's normal.

No. No, no. Not a loud talker...

...a high talker.

Really?

You don't think his voice sounds

a lot like yours?

I never noticed that.

Well, it's no big deal.

You know, it's just that...

...he can sound like a woman,

you know?

Great. I'm going out with a man

who sounds like a woman.

Well, he looks like a man.

Yeah.

He's bald.

I know that's a guy thing.

I guess.

I know he belches a lot.

Well, that's something.

So Jerry thought

I was flirting with him.

Yeah.

He's kind of a baritone, isn't he?

- What are you doing?

- I'm eating this cookie.

No, no. But why are you using

a knife and fork?

Did you just think of that?

No. I've seen people do it.

I like it.

- So this isn't gonna take long, is it?

- Oh, no, no. In and out.

I made sure of that.

And you'll be happy to know

I perused the script...

...and it's met with my approval.

- Yeah. I'm sure it's fine.

Hey! Hey, watch it!

Did you see that guy?

He just gave me the finger.

- You sure?

- Oh, yeah!

Middle finger, straight up, at me.

At us.

- What are you doing?

- I'm following him.

I'm sorry. The account had

insufficient funds.

We had to return the checks

made out to a Mr. Jerry Seinfeld.

Oh, dear. That's my grandson.

- May I call him now and explain?

- Oh, certainly, certainly.

And now I think she might

really be interested in you.

And Dan is obsessed.

He keeps leaving these annoying

messages on my machine.

Would you?

- Hello?

- Hello. I need to speak to Jerry.

Oh, it's you.

We were just talking about you.

Listen, Jerry doesn't wanna

talk to you.

Nobody wants to talk to you,

so why don't you just...

...drop dead.

Hey. All right.

- Any word from Nana?

- No.

- Nana?

- Yeah. My grandma's missing.

- Missing?

- Yeah.

Think it might have something to do

with those checks.

What does Nana sound like?

Like a grandmother. Why?

Well, I...

Oh, you hung up on my nana?

I don't know. Maybe.

You told Nana to drop dead.

- It's possible.

- Yes, it is.

All right. Look, Jerry, we gotta

get down to PBS PDQ.

All right.

No one gives us the finger.

We're Yankees.

- Want this last doughnut?

- Oh, you can have it.

- Jerry, where are the tote bags?

- I don't know.

Well, I'm not leaving

without tote bags.

I was promised tote bags,

and tote bags I shall have.

- Jerry, this man wants to see you.

- Leo.

- Hello.

- Uncle Leo.

- What are you doing here?

- I wanted to tell you...

...your grandmother is fine.

She's had quite a day, but she's

gonna watch you tonight on the TV.

- Yeah.

- Jerry.

I'm dying to meet Danny Tartabull.

Where is he?

He'll be here any second.

- You guys are both on in five minutes.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Okay.

- Bye-bye.

Why didn't you tell me

you were a little short?

Here. If anybody asks you

where you got it, you don't know.

- No, that's okay, I really don't need...

- What are you talking about?

- It's not necessary.

- Would you please take the..?

- I can't take it.

- I want you to have it.

- Jerry, take the money!

- I don't want it!

Jerry, open up. We need to talk.

Who's that?

Sounds like that friend of Elaine's that

was hitting on me in the bookstore.

Jerry, I'll take care of it.

Is Jerry in there?

Well, he can't be disturbed now.

Well, this situation's

driving me crazy.

He's all I think about.

I can't get him out of my mind.

Well, I'm sorry, fella.

I mean, I know what it's like

to be in love.

It just ties you up in knots.

And Jerry is a very sexy man.

- What?

- Look, I'm not judging you.

In fact, we here at PBS,

we have many programs...

...celebrating your lifestyle.

Armistead Maupin's

Tales of the City...

...gender-bending and swinging

in San Francisco.

Before Stonewall,

about those dark ages...

...when you couldn't

come out of the closet...

...lest you be persecuted

because of your, you know...

No, I don't.

Are you Danny Tartabull?

No, I'm not.

I'll take care of this, Danny.

- Excuse me.

- What's the problem?

I believe you cut me off

and then made an obscene gesture.

I did? Where?

Outside of Manhattan

about an hour ago.

Is that Danny Tartabull?

That's right.

Of the New York Yankees.

I'd like to shake his hand,

but I can't.

I'm Jerry Seinfeld.

I tell jokes for a living.

But there's no joking about

the financial crisis here at PBS.

Our lines are open,

so please call the number...

... you see on your screen.

This is the only time this year

we'll be asking for donations.

- PBS pledge drive.

- Hello. I'd like to speak with Jerry.

You again, buddy.

Look, forget about Jerry.

- It's not gonna happen.

- This is his grandmother.

Oh, Nana.

- Hello.

- Tell Jerry I'm sorry.

I'm going to have to write

him some new checks.

As long as you got

your checkbook out...

...how about forking a little over

to PBS?

You watch this station, don't you?

Don't be a freeloader.

Programs like Ken Burns' Baseball.

And if Danny Tartabull were here...

...I'm sure he'd say,

"That's correct, Jerry. "

Jerry. I have an announcement.

- Your grandmother is on the line.

- My nana?

And as we speak, she's generously

writing PBS a check for $1500!

She can't do that.

She's on a very fixed income.

Stop the show!

I got another card from Kristin.

Not quite as chipper...

...as the first one.

- Isn't this little bunny giving you the..?

- Yes, he is.

- You should show this to Georgie.

- Yeah.

- Here's your knife and fork.

- Thank you.

Look, she's cutting up

an Almond Joy.

I just don't get it.

I saw someone on the street

eating M&M's with a spoon.

What is wrong with everybody?

Look, they're doing it.

They're all doing it.

What is wrong with all you people?

Have you all gone mad?

The thing I admire

about the Chinese...

...is they're hanging in there

with the chopsticks.

Because if you think about it,

they've seen the fork by now.

I'm sure they've seen the spoon.

They're going, "Yeah, they're okay.

We're gonna stay with the sticks. "

I mean, I don't know how

they missed it.

Thousands of years ago,

Chinese farmer gets up...

...has his breakfast

with the chopsticks...

...goes out and works all day

in the field with a shovel.

Hello?

Shovel?

Not going out there plowing 40 acres

with a couple of pool cues.

Good shave today.

Don't worry,

I can manage these bags.

Really, I'm fine.

I'm thinking of letting

my sideburns grow in.

Can we rest here a second?

Yeah, I guess.

- So how's Noreen?

- She got a new boyfriend. Paul.

Already? That was fast.

I assume he's not a high-talker.

No, but he has the worst habit.

Whenever he answers the phone,

he won't put Noreen right on.

You have to go through 10 minutes

of chit-chat.

- A long-talker.

- Yeah.

He is so boring.

Now whenever he answers the phone,

I just hang up.

All right, let's move it out.

Hey, isn't that George's father?

Oh, yeah, it is.

Should we say hello?

I've never seen him in Manhattan

before. It's weird. It's so out of context.

That man he's with...

...is he wearing a cape?

I believe he is wearing a cape.

Why is Mr. Costanza

with a man in a cape?

Well, it is good cape weather.

Cool, breezy.

Why a cape? Who wears a cape?

Where do you even get a cape?

You're right, it is strange.

In fact, let's cross to the other side

of the street.

Cover me.

Just plop it on the counter there.

Oh, I got a message.

Hey, it's George.

I got nothing to say.

That sounds urgent.

Let me call him back.

Hello?

Who is this?

Donna Chang?

I'm sorry. I must have dialed

the wrong number.

Donna Chang?

Should've talked.

I love Chinese women.

Isn't that a little racist?

If I like their race,

how can that be racist?

Hello?

Oh, is this Donna Chang again?

Yes, I am calling George.

Oh, the lines are crossed.

You're getting his calls.

Well, what do you know.

- Hi.

- So listen...

I'm going through this stuff

like water.

- Who are you talking to?

- He's on with a Chinese woman.

You know, I dig Asian women.

You got a comfort problem there?

No, I think these Jockeys shrunk.

- I thought you wore silk underwear.

- No.

I wore them for a month,

but I couldn't stick with it.

I need the secure packaging

of Jockeys.

My boys need a house.

That's nice.

Listen, if you ever wanna have kids,

you shouldn't wear briefs.

Boxers are much better

for your sperm count.

Sperm count?

Well, how many sperm

should I have?

A lot.

I got a date.

- With the Chinese woman?

- She knew who I was.

She saw me at a club one time.

My first date ever with the Pacific Rim.

I'm very excited.

Jerry, you ever have

your sperm count checked?

No, why should I? I wear boxers.

You ever get a woman pregnant?

I'm sorry, Kramer. Those records

are permanently sealed.

What would you say if I told you

I never impregnated a woman?

Really?

You never slipped one past the goalie

in all these years?

I'm surprised.

You've slept with a lot of women.

A lot of women!

Do you think maybe I'm...

...depleted?

Well, I'm sure you're not

totally depleted.

But what if I am?

I'm the last male Kramer.

We're facing extinction.

Go to a fertility clinic,

check your sperm count.

Yeah, but then I'd have to...

Well, you know...

Into a cup in the middle of the day?

What, does that conflict

with your regular schedule?

All right, I'm gonna try

Noreen again.

I am very excited about this date.

We're going to Hunan Balcony.

She's Chinese,

so you suggest Chinese food?

- She suggested it.

- I thought Chinese don't eat Chinese.

She's very assimilated.

Hello.

- Paul again?

- You can't get one ring past him.

- Hey, hey. You don't call me back?

- I tried.

Your line's crossed

with a Chinese woman.

Hey, George, we saw your father

on the street before.

What's he doing in the city today?

You didn't ask him?

- You didn't say hello?

- Well, he was with someone...

...a man in a cape.

Why was he wearing a cape?

Was my father wearing a cape?

No, jacket and tie. No cape.

A cape.

What was a man with a cape

doing with my father?

What was my father doing

with a man in a cape?

Why a cape?

The results of your sperm test

are in.

Are you planning to start a family?

Yes, I would like to very much.

I'm low, aren't I? I can feel it.

- Yes, I'm afraid you're a little low.

- Oh, man!

It's over.

The Kramer name is finished.

- I'm never gonna procreate, huh?

- That's not necessarily true.

There are measures you can take

to improve your fertility.

All right, what? What? You tell me.

I'll do anything. Come on, tell me.

First thing,

you should wear boxer shorts.

- All the time?

- All the time.

You have to get off Jockeys

right away.

But I've always worn Jockeys.

Hi, Paul, it's Elaine calling.

Yeah, I'm calling from a car phone,

so I don't really have time to talk.

Is Noreen there?

Oh, she's not? Okay, great.

Well, you can just tell her

I called then, and...

Well, yes, it has been

unseasonably cool lately.

Okay. Well, look, I'm pulling up

to the building now, so I'm gonna...

Yeah, I tip 20 percent too.

Lookit, Paul, the car seems to be

running out of gas...

...so I'm gonna have

to get off the phone.

Please let me know

when your party has arrived.

Yes, I will.

- You mind?

- No, go ahead.

I secondhand smoke

two packs a day.

Jerry.

- Excuse me?

- Hi, sorry I'm late.

- Who are you?

- I'm Donna Chang.

What do you mean?

I mean I'm Donna Chang.

You're Donna Chang?

Did you think I was Chinese?

No. What, you mean

because of the "Chang"?

Actually, the family name

wasn't originally Chang.

- I didn't think so.

- Used to be "Changstein. "

- She's not Chinese?

- No, not Chinese.

Not even Asian.

- So, what is she?

- Well, she's like you.

Oh, how disappointed

you must have been.

Well, it's false advertising, see?

And the thing is, I think she likes

people thinking she's Chinese.

She suggests Chinese food...

...she always introduces herself

as Donna Chang.

So why are you seeing her again?

Well, she is a woman.

Listen, I spoke to Paul and Noreen.

They might be breaking up.

- Really?

- Well, maybe.

Hey, wouldn't it be funny

if Paul and Noreen broke up...

...because you kept

hanging up on him?

- What do you mean?

- If Paul thought it was some guy...

...hanging up because he was

having an affair with Noreen.

Here, take my Jockey shorts.

Hey, what is that?

Look, you gotta help me.

I have to get off Jockey shorts.

- What, you have low sperm count?

- Very low.

- Come on, take them.

- I don't want them.

Jerry, look, you gotta help. If I have

one pair in my house, I'll wear them.

- I don't want them.

- All it takes is one pair.

I'm not gonna be able to sleep

if those are in the house.

Boxers! How do you

wear these things?

Look at that. They're bagging up.

They're rising here.

And there's nothing holding me

in place. I'm flipping, I'm flopping.

What am I gonna do?

Jerry, I'm going crazy

in these things.

Well, I'm gonna have to move now.

You know what I like

about Manhattan?

There's no mosquitoes.

There's plenty of mosquitoes.

Queens is full of mosquitoes.

- So, Dad...

- Gnats, too, if I'm not mistaken.

Heard you were in the city

the other day.

Your mother has to tell you

every move I make? I'll kill her.

- Jerry and Elaine saw you.

- They didn't say hello?

- They were in a rush.

- They couldn't just say hello?

Ah, the hell with them.

They said you were with some guy

who was wearing a cape.

Elaine, I can see not saying hello.

She's very...

What's the word? Supercilious.

- So, Dad...

- How could Jerry not say hello?

- Did they uncross the lines yet?

- They can't find the problem.

It's really getting ridicurous.

Did you say "ridicurous"?

Ridiculous.

I thought you said...

...ridicurous.

Hey, what are you doing here?

I wanted to talk to you.

I didn't know you had company.

- Oh, no, no.

- Hi, I'm George.

- Oh, hi.

- I'm Donna Chang.

I just spoke to your mother before.

- You spoke to my mother?

- She was trying to call you, but...

The rines are crossed.

Did you say the "rines"

are crossed?

Did I?

George, she's so sweet.

We talked for an hour.

Anyway, I'm really sorry.

Sorry, why sorry? What do you

have to be sorry about?

Well, she told me she and your father

are getting divorced.

Boy, divorced. That's really too bad.

Yeah. You know,

it's a shame his parents...

...didn't get divorced 30 years ago.

He could've been normal.

Oh, my God!

You know what I just realized?

If they get divorced

and live in two separate places...

...that's twice as many visits.

I never thought of that.

Imagine if I had to see them both

on the same day.

It's like running a double marathon.

Hey, Georgie, did you have any idea

that anything was wrong?

Have you ever spent any time

with these people?

- You know what this has to do with?

- What?

The man in the cape. I bet you

he is mixed up in this.

I don't trust men in capes.

You can't cast

dispersions on someone...

...just because

they're wearing a cape.

Superman wore a cape.

And I'll be damned

if I'm gonna stand here...

...and let you say

something bad about him.

All right, Superman's the exception.

Hey, Elaine, I just heard that

Noreen and Paul are breaking up.

I want you to put in

a good word for me.

Always had a thing for Noreen.

No, Kramer, you don't understand,

this could be my fault.

Well, if she's available, I won't let

her slip through my fingers this time.

Well, looks like you've adjusted

to the boxers.

Well, I wouldn't go as far as that.

- You went back to the Jockeys?

- Wrong again.

Oh, no.

What? What?

Don't you see

what's going on here?

No boxers, no Jockeys.

The only thing between him and us

is a thin layer of gabardine.

- Kramer, say it isn't so.

- Oh, it be so.

I'm out there, Jerry,

and I'm loving every minute of it!

Don't you need a little help?

Surprisingly, no.

I'm free. I'm unfettered.

I feel like a naked, innocent boy

roaming the countryside.

So you guys are trying to work it out.

That's great.

Yeah, well, we're trying, but he just

went insane there for a while.

He went insane?

Believe it or not...

...Paul was convinced

I was having an affair...

...because somebody kept calling and

hanging up whenever he answered.

What kind of a sick person calls

and hangs up over and over?

Well...

...I don't know about sick.

I mean, maybe it was somebody...

...who didn't wanna talk

to whoever was answering...

...because whoever was answering

was always making boring chit-chat...

...and was completely oblivious

to the fact...

...that the person who was calling

didn't wanna speak to them.

I can't believe that was you.

I'm really sorry, Noreen.

So you thought he was boring?

Hey, Noreen, don't go by me.

What are you doing to this woman?

This is the second relationship

you've ruined for her in a few weeks.

- I know.

- First you ruin her relationship...

...with the high-talker.

- Well, I got confused.

They sound exactly the same.

So she breaks up with him.

Somehow picks up

the pieces of her life...

...miraculously meets a new guy.

You bust that up.

And then just as they're reconciling,

you announce to the world...

...he's boring.

I didn't know she'd take it

so seriously.

Apparently, you have a tremendous

influence over this woman.

Anything you say, she does.

- Yeah?

- It's Donna Chang.

- Come on up.

- I guess I just didn't realize it.

Well, let's look back at your history

with this woman.

- Okay?

- Okay.

First, you encouraged her

to join the army.

She did.

She was lost.

Then you suggest she goes AWOL.

She did.

Well, she didn't seem

to be having so much fun.

Make sure you never tell this woman

to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge.

If I have this much influence,

I'll call her and tell her...

...to get back together with him.

- Hey.

- Oh, Miss Changstein.

- This is Elaine.

- Hi. How are you?

Guess what?

Mrs. Costanza called me.

- They're not getting divorced.

- Why, what happened?

She was trying to call George

last night, she got me...

...we spoke for an hour,

and she changed her mind.

- Wow, that's amazing.

- Anyway, she wants to meet me.

She invited me over for dinner.

Said you should come too.

- Tonight?

- Yeah.

I just remembered. I'm gonna have

to cancel my acupuncture class.

All right, let me just say one thing.

There is no way that this

is gonna happen. No way!

Because if you think I'm going

to two Thanksgivings...

...you're out of your mind!

- We're not getting divorced.

- Your mother changed her mind.

You did? That's good.

That's very good.

- I'm very glad to hear that.

- Yeah, we worked it out.

All right, so let me ask you a question.

Who was the man in the cape?

- He was my lawyer.

- Your lawyer wears a cape?

Yeah. So what?

- Who wears a cape?

- He's very independent.

He doesn't follow the trends.

He looks ridiculous in that thing.

You have no eye for fashion!

- I have no eye for fashion?

- All right.

Come on. Let's not fight.

- All right, all right.

- All right.

Georgie's right.

So, what made you change

your mind?

It was that Chinese woman.

What did you tell Mrs. Costanza

that changed her mind?

Mentioned a few bits of wisdom

from Confucius.

- Confucius, huh?

- Yeah.

You know, you're not Chinese.

Hey, I heard the good news.

Jerry, how come you didn't

say hello to me the other day?

- Elaine was in a rush.

- I knew it was Elaine.

- You must be Estelle.

- Yes. Who are you?

I'm Donna Chang.

You're not Chinese.

Hello?

- Paul?

- Elaine.

Kramer?

Yeah!

- What are you doing there?

- Well, isn't it obvious?

- Is Noreen there?

- Yes, she is.

Well, can I talk to her?

What, am I too boring for you?

Would you just put her on?

I feel it would be best that you didn't

talk to Noreen for a while.

- You feel?

- That's right.

She and I have had a very long talk.

And I was appalled to learn

of the destructive influence...

...you've had over her life

lo these many years.

- What, are you insane?

- From now on, I'll be calling the shots.

And what are you gonna tell her?

Well, I've encouraged her

to go back into the army.

There she'll get the structure

and discipline she needs right now.

And she'll have qualified officers

telling her what to do.

Kramer, you have got

to let me talk to her.

Can't help you, kid.

- You're not Chinese?

- No.

- I thought you were Chinese.

- I'm from Long Island.

Long Island?

I thought I was getting advice

from a Chinese woman.

- I'm sorry.

- Well, then...

...that changes everything.

- What?

She's not Chinese. I was duped!

So what? She still gave you advice.

What's the difference?

I'm not taking advice

from some girl from Long Island.

Now you're getting a divorce

because she's from Long Island?

You want a divorce? You got one!

You know, you might wanna think

about changing your name.

Ever since she started dating Kramer,

she won't even talk to me.

Well, Noreen listened to you...

...like George's mother

listened to the Chinese.

Everybody listens to the Chinese.

Look at the fortune cookie.

You couldn't get away with that

at other restaurants.

Yeah, no one's reading any

rolled up messages in a knish.

Well, it had to happen. I knew it.

I predicted it.

Saw both of them today.

What a disaster.

I'm running all over Queens.

First, I saw my mother.

We had lunch together.

I never had lunch with my mother

before. It's like a date.

Then we drive down to Kew Gardens,

tons of traffic, I see my father.

We played Clue.

All day with this!

Hey, Jerry! Guess what?

The Kramer name might live on!

Noreen's late!

She's late!

- Who are you?

- I'm Frank Costanza's lawyer.

Love seat is interesting.

Some guy thought:

"If they won't sit closer to us

why not just shorten the furniture?"

My favorite furniture brand

is the La-Z-Boy.

This is very flattering

to the prospective customer, isn't it?

Why not call it the half-conscious-

deadbeat-with-no-job-home-all-day...

...eating-Cheetos

and-watching-TV recliner?

And it goes back so far, that thing.

I mean, go to bed already.

It's over. You're wiped.

So she got you to join a book club?

I got a feeling I'm gonna be

much smarter than you pretty soon.

Well, I think that statement alone

reflects your burgeoning intelligence.

- What about this one?

- No, I don't like that one.

- So, what's your first book?

- Breakfast at Tiffany's. Ninety pages.

- It's kind of old, isn't it?

- They wanted a Truman Capote book.

Oh, sure, Truman Capote.

- He's a great writer.

- Oh, yeah.

- Ever read anything by him?

- No. You?

No.

What about this one?

Look at this. This is it.

This is what I'm looking for.

Oh, yeah.

- Hey, what's going on?

- New couch, baby.

New couch? Why?

I love this couch. The best part is

it doesn't fold out...

...so no one can sleep over.

Hello.

Hello.

Oh, let me get the door for you.

Be careful.

Wait till you see it. It's perfect.

The guy told me it's one of a kind.

They stopped making it.

What are you doing

with your old couch?

The moving guys are taking it.

You want it?

Yeah, I'll take it.

I'm sure they can deliver it to you.

Yes, they can.

- Hey, couch is coming.

- It's here.

All right. Yeah. You know,

I'm excited about this, Jerry.

In a way, I feel like I'm getting

a new couch.

Yeah, so do I.

You remember Poppie?

- You mean from Poppie's restaurant?

- Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, we're going

into business together.

Remember my idea

about the place...

...where you make your own pizza?

- What was that again?

It's a pizza place

where you make your own pie.

We give you the dough,

the sauce, the cheese.

You pound it, slap it,

you flip it up into the air...

...put your toppings on,

and you slide it into the oven.

That sounds good, huh?

I can't wait to get me a fella

and make my own pie.

What made you resurrect

that old idea?

Well, I happened to be

eating at Poppie's...

...when I told him the old idea

and his eyes:

Just lit up.

- You know, he wants to back it.

- I heard Poppie's was good. Let's go.

I'm not going. Didn't he get busted

by the board of health?

No, that was in the past, Jerry.

As it happens, New York magazine

just judged his kitchen...

...to be one of the cleanest

in the city.

They got a duck there, you think

you died and went to heaven.

I love duck. Come on, come on.

You gotta order it

two days in advance.

I'll call them,

I'll order the duck for you.

Kramer, I...

Right there, guys. That's perfect.

What do you think, Lainey?

Well, I don't know.

I'll have to sit on it.

Oh, no, I don't want anyone

sitting on it.

Sign here.

Excuse me. I was wondering

if it would be possible...

...if you could you deliver

the old couch to my apartment?

- It's not very far.

- Sure.

Okay. You got room in the truck

for me?

I think we can squeeze you in.

Oh, goody. Okay. Well...

...I'll see you chumps later.

Did you offer those guys a drink?

No. Should I have?

- What kind of a person are you?

- I don't know.

Okay, Breakfast at Tiffany's.

So he puts the couch down...

...and just as he's about to leave,

he says, "Do you date moving men?"

- You wanna know what I said?

- I can't wait.

"I do now. "

- Clever.

- Is that something?

- Is that something?

- Yes, you're something.

So anyway, when they

were in my house before...

...I didn't offer them

anything to drink.

Well, they're real men, Jerry.

They get sweaty.

So anyone sweaty in your house

has to be offered a drink?

Yes.

Would you apologize for me?

Hello. Jerry, so good

to see you again.

Hello...

...Poppie.

- This is Elaine.

- Nice to meet you, Poppie.

- Let me show you to your table.

- Okay.

Your duck is cooking

as we speak.

It is so succulent, so succulent.

So Kramer told us all about

your business venture together.

Your friend and I are gonna make

a lot of money.

Of course,

I already have a lot of money.

Poppie does very well.

Very well.

Well, your mother must be

very proud of you.

My mother

was taken from my house...

...by the communists

in the middle of the night...

...when I was 10 years old.

She was sent

to a slave-labor camp...

...where she labored for 12 years.

Finally, they released her...

...and she was on a boat to America

to reunite with us.

But she was served some bad fish,

and she died on the high seas.

So, what's good tonight?

Boy, I'm really looking forward

to this duck.

I've never had food

ordered in advance before.

Could have stayed home

and ordered pizza from Pokeno's.

Pokeno's? Oh, no. You should never

order pizza from Pokeno's.

- Why not?

- The owner contributes money...

...to those fanatical

anti-abortion groups.

- So you won't eat the pizza?

- No way.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Well, what if...

...Poppie felt the same way?

Well, I guess I wouldn't

eat here then.

Really?

Yeah, that's right.

Well, perhaps we should inquire.

Poppie? Oh, Poppie?

- Could I have a word?

- Yes, Jerry. I just checked your duck.

It is more succulent

than even I had hoped.

Poppie, I was just curious.

Where do you stand on abortion?

When my mother was abducted

by the communists...

...she was with a child.

- Oh, boy.

But the communists,

they put an end to that.

So on this issue,

there is no debate...

...and no intelligent person

can think differently.

Well, Poppie, I think differently.

And what gives you

the right to do that?

The Supreme Court gives me the right

to do that!

Let's go, Jerry. Come on.

I heard that. Let's go, Henry.

- We just got here.

- I'm with you, Poppie.

- Let's go.

- And I am not coming back!

You're not welcome!

Well, I'm certainly glad

I brought it up.

Well, you should've seen it.

It was quite a scene over there.

- I'm sorry I missed it.

- Oh, you really missed something.

And I have to say...

...it was pretty much all my fault.

So how's the book coming?

- I say how's the book coming?

- Oh, pretty good.

So, what's it about?

- Well, it's about Holly Golightly.

- Holly Golightly.

- Yeah, she's quite a character.

- Haven't read a page, have you?

- No.

- Big surprise.

I couldn't. If it's not about sports,

I find it very hard to concentrate.

You're not very bright, are you?

No, I'm not.

I would like to be, but I'm not.

What am I gonna do?

The book club meets in a few days.

Why don't you rent the movie?

Why don't I rent the movie?

You see? This is when I like you.

Now I'm relieved.

So...

...how was the dinner last night?

Oh, well...

Did you enjoy the duck?

Oh, Elaine, I was just asking

how dinner went last night.

- Oh, well...

- All right, what did you do to Poppie?

- Nothing.

- Well, he's in the hospital.

And the cook says

you put him there.

- What's wrong with him?

- I don't know.

I'm gonna go and visit him later.

It would be nice

if you got him something.

We should get him something.

Yeah, you're right.

Do you know I've been using the same

bottle of shampoo for a year?

And I shampoo every day.

So, what do you think

of my conversation?

Not much.

I would've invited you up...

...but I don't have any furniture.

- You don't have any furniture?

- No, I hate furniture. I can't look at it.

Oh, I can understand that.

- A pretty good date, huh?

- Yeah, no heavy lifting.

Anyway, Jerry and Elaine felt bad

about what happened to you...

...and wanted you to have this.

What's this?

A bottle of wine

and a five-alarm chili?

They're trying to kill Poppie?

- Why?

- Don't they know I have...

...a gastrointestinal disorder?

If I would have any of this,

I would die.

Then Poppie's no good to anyone.

This is a sick, sick joke on Poppie.

How could you be friends

with those two?

Well, we're not very close.

- They owe me for those ducks.

- Yeah.

- They're flown in from Newfoundland.

- They got good ducks there, huh?

Very good ducks.

I'm in love!

This is it, Jerry! This is it!

He is such an incredible person.

He's real. He's honest.

He's unpretentious.

Oh, I'm really lucky.

Did you tell him I was sorry

about the drink?

No. I forgot.

The best part is,

he doesn't play games.

You know? There are no games.

No games? What is the point

of dating without games?

How do you know

if you're winning or losing?

Well, all I know is...

...he doesn't like games,

and he doesn't play games.

You know, he has too much character

and integrity.

And what is his stand on abortion?

What?

What is his stand...

...on abortion?

Well, I'm sure he's pro-choice.

How do you know?

Because he...

Well...

He's just so good-looking.

Well, you should probably ask.

Because if he's gonna be coming over

with those Pokeno's pizzas...

...could be trouble.

I'd like to rent

Breakfast at Tiffany's.

This is out. Someone has it.

Out? Oh, no, I've...

I've been to four places.

You're the only ones with it.

Well, I could put it

on reserve for you if you'd like.

Maybe we could call them

and ask them to return it.

Sorry, we can't do that.

Well, maybe they're done with it.

I could go pick it up.

I don't think so.

It doesn't work that way.

Yes?

Excuse me, are you Joe Temple?

Yes.

Yes, you don't know me.

My name is George Costanza.

Did you happen to rent

Breakfast at Tiffany's?

- Hey.

- What's happening?

Well, you know,

Poppie's over at my place.

Tonight's the big night. I'll make

the first test pizza at the restaurant.

You got a regular Manhattan Project

going on over there.

Anyway, he's about to leave.

He wants the duck money.

- Oh, okay. Hi, Poppie.

- Hello.

Sorry about the gift.

I didn't know about your condition.

That's fine.

If you just give me my duck money,

I'll be on my way.

Okay, I'll get it.

Why don't you sit down, Poppie,

you're still recuperating.

Are you tired, Poppie?

- No.

- Poppie, you really think people...

...wanna make their own pizza?

Kramer, did I ever tell you

about my mother?

- My mother...

- Here you go.

Anyway, I'm sorry again about the...

- The...

- The what?

The...

- The... The...

- Okay, Poppie. So long, huh?

I'll see you tonight.

Kramer, what is this?

- What is what?

- This puddle on my sofa!

- What puddle?

- That puddle!

I don't know.

Is it..?

Could it..?

Could he have..?

It is!

Poppie peed on my sofa!

- Are you sure?

- Well, what is it, then?

My new sofa!

Poppie peed on my new sofa!

I'm sure it'll come out.

I don't care if it comes out.

I can't sit on that anymore.

- You're making too much of it.

- Yeah, you're right.

Just a natural human function.

Happens to be on my sofa...

...instead of in the toilet,

where it would normally be.

Right.

Well, anyway, the book club

meets tomorrow, Mr. Temple.

Well, I was gonna watch it

with my daughter.

She likes Audrey Hepburn

very much.

Yeah, she was a delicate flower.

Why didn't you just

read the book?

Well, as I say, the pinkeye

made my vision quite blurry.

Remy.

This is George.

Would you mind if he watched

Breakfast at Tiffany's with us?

- Hi.

- Hi.

- I missed you.

- Oh, I missed you.

I don't remember the last time

I felt this way.

Me either.

- I think about you all the time.

- You do?

- Do you think about me?

- Oh, yeah, all the time.

All the time.

Although...

...recently I've been thinking about

this friend of mine.

- What friend?

- Oh, just this woman.

She got impregnated

by her troglodytic half-brother...

...and decided to have an abortion.

You know, someday...

...we're gonna get enough people on

the Supreme Court to change that law.

So anything to nosh?

What did you want?

Popcorn?

Popcorn? Where do you

think you are?

A lot of people keep popcorn

in the house.

Well, we don't.

You might wanna try it.

Makes the movie more enjoyable,

that's all.

- Here's some nuts.

- Oh, nuts! Excellent!

You know what I love? How there's

two nuts named after people:

Hazel and Filbert.

Can we watch

the movie now, Daddy?

Hey, let's turn off the lights,

get some real movie atmosphere.

The lights are fine.

See? Everybody can do this.

Yeah.

No, no. Use your wrist.

It's all in the wrist.

- Oh, yeah.

- Not too high!

Very good. That's very good.

All right,

put a little sauce on here.

- Now some cheese.

- Not too much.

And cucumbers.

Hey, wait a second.

What is that?

- It's cucumbers.

- No, no.

You can't put cucumbers

on a pizza.

Why not? I like cucumbers.

That's not a pizza.

It will taste terrible.

But that's the idea.

Make your own pie.

Yes, but we cannot give the people

the right...

...to choose any topping they want.

Now, on this issue,

there can be no debate.

What gives you the right

to tell me how I make my pie?

Because it's a pizza.

It's not a pizza

till it comes out of the oven.

It's a pizza the moment

you put your fists in the dough.

- No, it isn't!

- Yes, it is!

- I'm home.

- Hey, honey.

- Hi, Mom.

- Hi, baby.

Hello.

- Breakfast at Tiffany's?

- Yeah.

I just came back from Angela's.

It's not looking very good for Duncan.

Oh, that's too bad.

The doctor thinks it's just

a matter of time.

Joe. Could you..?

Poor guy. I hate to see him

suffer like this.

- Yeah.

- You know, I'm sorry.

I hate to be one of those people...

...but we're right in the middle

of this thing.

I can't hear.

Who are you?

This is George Costanza.

It's just very hard to follow,

with all the talking.

I'll pause it, okay?

Any more grape juice?

So who is this guy?

- He's in some book club.

- And what's he doing here?

Cheating on his test.

So we watching the movie

or are we still talking?

Okay, come on, let's go.

What?

Come on, you took my seat.

It's not your seat.

- I was sitting there. Come on.

- You didn't save it.

I had the arm. Joe.

What's the difference?

I was very comfortable.

I've got my nuts here.

It's my couch.

All right, come on.

Come on, scootch over.

- Wait, it's my seat!

- Stop being like a 2-year-old.

Look! Look what you did!

You got grape juice

all over our couch.

You ruined our couch!

Joe.

- Oh, my God.

- You see?

So are you gonna get a new couch?

Well, I guess I have no choice.

- What, do you want your old couch?

- I was hoping you'd offer.

- Yeah?

- It's the movers.

- Okay.

- Who's that?

- Your boyfriend. He's taking it out.

- No, he's not my boyfriend.

Why?

Take a guess.

Oh, really.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Hey, Carl, I also need you

to go to Elaine's...

...and bring my old couch back.

- Today?

- Could you?

- Sure.

Well, what are you doing

with this couch?

George is taking it.

Did you tell him it was peed on?

He said he doesn't care.

He'll just turn the cushion over.

- I'm sorry you feel that way, Elaine.

- Yeah, me too.

- It's just too bad.

- Yeah, it is.

Well, I better get this couch

back to Jerry's.

- Can I offer you anything to drink?

- Yeah, sure.

- All I've got is grape juice.

- Throw it.

The couch!

She didn't want the constraints

of any relationship.

That's why she got rid of the cat.

The most important thing in Holly's life

was her independence.

Well, not really.

After all, she did get together

with George Peppard.

I mean, Fred.

George, Fred's gay.

I never figured out why

they make these bizarre toilet seats.

You know? Like those clear Lucite

ones with all the coins in it?

It's a lovely tribute to our

past president. It's not bad enough...

...Lincoln got shot in the head, we

gotta drop our pants and sit on it too.

It's just incomprehensible

that you would buy a thing like this.

You install it on your toilet seat.

And this says what about you?

I can't afford to throw money down

the toilet, but look how close I am.

I cannot believe Lindsay's seeing you

after that Breakfast at Tiffany's thing.

I think she finds

my stupidity charming.

- As we all do.

- Yeah.

Anyway, she's having some kind

of a family lunch. I'll swing by after.

- So you gonna meet the mother?

- I'll zip in. "How do you do?"

- Zip out. She'll love me.

- You're good with the mothers.

You know, I'm better with the mothers

than I am with the daughters.

- Maybe you should date the mothers.

- If I could talk to the mothers...

...and have sex with the daughters,

then I'd really have something going.

- You've got something going.

- Yeah.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- You got a hammer?

- What do you need a hammer for?

I got this new poster, 3-D art.

Computers generate it.

- Yeah, I wanna see that. Bring it over.

- I don't have it now.

I gotta pick it up at Mr. Pitt's.

Elaine was framing stuff for him...

...so she did me a favor.

Wanna take a ride?

- No, I don't think so.

- George, you wanna go for a ride?

- No.

- Oh, come on!

Could you wait until the man

finishes..?

All right, I've had it with you two.

Hey, guess what? Remember that

woman you saw me with?

She used to be

an Olympic gymnast.

- A gymnast?

- Yeah. She's Romanian.

She won a silver

at the '84 Olympics.

A gymnast, Jerry.

Think of the flexibility.

That sex will melt your face.

- Yeah, well, I think I'm bailing.

- Bailing?

Kramer, there's always a price

to pay for just a sexual dalliance.

Jerry, you should pay that price.

She's Romanian. What will I talk

to her about? Ceausescu?

Ch... What?

Gymnast? I can't believe it.

You didn't tell me she was a gymnast.

What is this?

I'm putting my shirt back on.

Back on? What was it doing off?

I take it off when I go to the...

You know, to the office.

What for?

Frees me up, no encumbrances.

- Unbuttoned or all the way off?

- All the way, baby.

Of course.

Again? Kramer, if you keep

getting these attacks...

...you should see the doctor

and have it checked out.

Yeah, yeah.

- You always take the shirt off?

- Always.

I tell you, knowing you is like going

into the jungle.

I never know what I'm gonna find next,

and I'm real scared.

Elaine, I need you to proofread

this report for my meeting...

...with the Poland Creek

bottled-water people.

- What meeting?

- I told you.

I sit on the board of trustees

for Morgan Springs...

...and we're trying to acquire

Poland Creek.

Are you using a fountain pen?

- Yes.

- They smear.

Under no circumstances is ink

to be used in this office.

All right, I'll use a pencil, Mr. Pitt.

- Elaine.

- Come in. Come in.

Yeah.

Hi, right there. Yeah.

- That's not it.

- Kramer, it's that...

- There she blows.

- Kramer?

Kramer, could you do this at home?

I don't think...

- I've got work to do, okay?

- These are nice corners.

Elaine, did I hear..?

This is very odd.

Yeah, it's 3-D art. Computers

generate them, big computers.

Yes, I've heard about these.

How do they work?

You blur your eyes like you're staring

straight through the picture...

...and you keep

your eyes unfocused.

Then...

Yeah!

- I don't see it.

- It's a spaceship...

...surrounded by planets, asteroids.

- I still don't see it.

Okay. Kramer, that's enough.

Mr. Pitt has got work to do.

You ever dream in 3-D?

It's like the boogeyman

is coming right at you.

- A spaceship, where?

- Right in here.

Just keep your eyes unfocused.

- Oh, Mama.

- Kramer, what's wrong?

- Mama.

- Kramer, are you okay?

I think I got to go to the doctor.

Oh, Mama!

How long does it usually take?

George, it is so nice

to finally meet you.

And I'm sorry

we've kept Lindsay so long.

- Mother.

- No, no, not at all.

I have always felt that the

most important thing in the world...

...is spending time with family.

Are you and your family close?

Very close. Almost painfully close.

Mother, I'm gonna walk Nana

and Aunt Phyllis to the elevator.

George, do you mind

waiting one more minute?

Mind? Why would I mind?

I would love to wait.

Nana, nice to see you.

Nana!

Aunt Phyllis, always a pleasure,

what a pleasure.

Hey, let's do this again real soon.

I had fun.

- Can I offer you anything to eat?

- No, I'm fine.

- Let me help you with these dishes.

- George, you don't have to.

No, I know I don't have to,

I want to.

George, you are such a gentleman.

I'd argue if I could, Mrs. Enright.

Here we go. All right.

Mrs. Enright!

Mrs. Enright!

Look, there's a spaceship.

That is so cool.

Where is it?

- Right here.

- I'm looking there!

- No, no, unfocus.

- I am unfocused!

Hello?

Oh, yeah. Okay, fine.

He'll be right down.

Car's here to pick you up

and take you to the meeting.

Meeting?

The Poland Creek merger.

- Why don't you go for me?

- How can I go?

All they're gonna do

is read the report.

Mr. Pitt, I do not think

that is just such a good idea.

Oh, damn this thing!

So Ceausescu,

he must have been some dictator.

Yes, he was not shy about dictating.

He must have been dictating

first thing in the morning.

- I want a cup of coffee and a muffin.

- And you could not refuse.

No, you'd have to be crazy.

- He was a very bad dictator.

- Yes.

Very bad.

Very, very bad.

So let me get this straight.

You find yourself in the kitchen.

You see an clair

in the receptacle...

...and you think to yourself:

"What the hell,

I'll just eat some trash. "

No, no, no. It was not trash.

- Was it in the trash?

- Yes.

Then it was trash.

It wasn't down in.

It was sort of on top.

- But it was in the cylinder.

- Above the rim.

Adjacent to refuse is refuse.

It was on a magazine,

and it still had the doily on.

- Was it eaten?

- One little bite.

Well, that's garbage.

But I know who took the bite.

It was her aunt.

You, my friend, have crossed the line

that divides man and bum.

You are now a bum.

Hey.

What's with you?

I got a stone.

- What stone?

- A kidney stone.

What is that, anyway?

It's a stony mineral concretion...

...formed abnormally in the kidney.

And this jagged shard of calcium

pushes its way through the ureter...

...into the bladder.

It's forced out through the urine.

Boy, that's gotta hurt.

Our shareholders

have given basic approval...

...for the merger,

including the stock swap.

The stock swap.

Let's swap some stock.

If you'll just give this to Mr. Pitt

and tell him that we expect...

...to be in full-scale production

by the spring.

All right. Hey, you guys,

what's the name...

...of the new company gonna be?

- Moland Spring.

- Moland?

- Yes.

We combined Morgan and Poland.

Yeah, I know, but Moland?

I wouldn't drink

anything called Moland.

But it was Mr. Pitt's idea.

Well, what's in a name?

I mean, water is water, right?

We've got to do something

about that name.

No, Lindsay, it was not in the garbage.

It was above the garbage.

Hovering like an angel.

Of course I know your aunt bit it.

I kissed her goodbye.

Listen, can I tell you something else?

In my family...

...we used to eat out of the garbage

all the time. It was no big thing.

That's right. Okay.

Bye-bye. I'm back in.

She gave me a second chance.

- Good for you.

- Yes. Good for me.

You know what you should do now?

Get her flowers, smooth it out.

Yes. Flowers. I will get her flowers.

I will go to the florist.

Behold, the games

of the '84 Olympiad.

- Katya's silver-medal performance.

- Kramer, you're still on this?

I've seen gymnasts.

I know what they do.

- It's not gonna make any difference.

- Jerry, what is your problem?

Kramer, you know,

guys like you with no conscience...

...don't know what it's like

for guys like me.

I'm in the unfortunate position of

having to consider people's feelings.

All right, Jerry, are you familiar

with the Kama Sutra?

- No.

- Tantric yoga.

- No.

- Jerry, you stand on the threshold...

...to the magical world

of sensual delights...

...that most men dare not dream of.

Boy, you can really talk some trash.

I guess that's better than eating it.

All right, why don't we just watch

the tape, huh?

- Did you pass your stone yet?

- Not yet.

But the suspense is killing me.

- Hey, that's her.

- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's her.

Look at the height, Jerry,

the extension.

Watch the tuck,

handstand, half turn...

...giant into a straddle,

back into another handstand...

...nice kip, reverse hecht.

Nice leg extension. Good form.

Here comes the big dismount.

Look at the rotation.

Full in, double back,

and she sticks the landing.

Perhaps you'd like to keep the tape.

I'll take that as a yes.

Well, here we are.

Yes, we are here.

How did you stay on that beam

like that? It's only this wide.

I can balance myself in any position.

It is amazing, after years of training,

how one can contort one's body.

Of course, it is only useful

in gymnastics.

Oh, boy.

I couldn't believe it.

I thought I was entering...

...a magical world

of sensual delights.

It was just so ordinary.

There was nothing gymnastic about it.

What did you think

she was going to do?

You know, I mean... I don't know.

No, what?

- Obviously, I prefer not mention any...

- Did you think she was gonna take...

...some of that chalk and...

- I really don't wanna get into it.

- Oh, come on. One thing.

- You know, any kind of specifics.

One thing. What?

Well, frankly, I thought, you know,

I was gonna be like the apparatus.

You mean like

the uneven parallel bars?

- Again, I don't feel like...

- The balance beam?

- Could we stop?

- Not the pommel horse.

Let's just drop it.

So let me ask you this.

How long would you say...

...I have to put in now

because of, you know, last night?

- I don't know, at least three weeks.

- Oh, great.

Jerry, that is such small potatoes.

I think that I may have

single-handedly put the kibosh...

...on the big water merger.

- Between Poland and Morgan?

Yeah. Started a big

name controversy.

Kramer. The stone.

What happened?

Did you pass the stone?

No, I tried to do a reverse hecht

off my couch, and I didn't make it.

You call this coffee?

Hey!

What the hell was that?

- I'm terribly sorry.

- Clean that up!

Oh, sure. Of course.

Could you hold these

for just a second?

Here you go.

Don't worry about a thing.

It's gonna be fine.

Here we go. Look at this shine.

Look at this sparkle.

Mrs. Enright! Mrs. Enright!

Mrs. Enright!

Lindsay, I had accidentally spilled

coffee on the gentleman's windshield.

Why would I do that? I have a job.

Well, did she see a squeegee?

You're not gonna make

a dime without a squeegee.

That's right. Just tell your mother

it was all a big misunderstanding.

You won't regret it.

Okay, I'll see you later.

Bye-bye.

Strike two.

- You think I'm going down?

- You're behind in the count.

- Hey, what are you doing later?

- Going out with Katya, thanks to you.

Well, you know,

maybe you should try again.

You know what happens the first time.

People are a little shy, a little reticent.

If I do it again, that extends

my payment book another two weeks.

- Where are you going?

- The circus.

One of her old Olympic teammates

is an acrobat.

- I don't even feel like going out.

- Jerry, it's your obligation, come on.

Yeah, well, if I gotta go

and spend time with this girl...

...you're coming with me,

Dr. Cyclops.

- No, I don't wanna go to the circus.

- Yeah? Well, you're going.

But I'm afraid of clowns.

I didn't send you over there

to complain about the name.

I couldn't help it. Moland Springs?

I like the name Moland.

I picked it out.

After all those months

of negotiating.

- Well, I'm so sorry.

- Well, I'm going riding.

I haven't been on Jenny

for three days.

All because of this blasted painting.

- Elaine?

- Oh, sorry.

Hello.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

So, Jerry,

you're enjoying the circus?

Greatest show on earth.

My father used to take me

to the circus.

When the elephants came by,

he would scream curses at them...

...blaming them for all the ills

of society.

Well, they certainly take up

a lot of space.

- Misha.

- Katya.

Misha, this is Jerry.

Yes, the comedian.

Oh, yes. Yes, I'll tell him.

Yes, thank you.

Hold on, hold on. Mr. Pitt?

I think I'm on to something.

Mr. Pitt, the board of directors

is on the phone.

They've called

an emergency meeting.

You need to be there

to discuss the merger.

You said keep your eyes out of focus,

which is misleading.

You want deep focus.

Yes, hi, okay. Fine. Yeah.

Hold on just a second. Let me just...

Yeah, I've got it...

Yeah, he'll be there.

Mr. Pitt, you have got to stop

staring at that poster!

I see something that could be a

spaceship. Is it round? Is it pointed?

No! You don't see it,

and you're never gonna see it!

Mr. Pitt, you have to meet with the

shareholders. You have to leave now.

Do you hear me?

Do you hear me?

My goodness.

What's happened to me?

- When's the meeting?

- In about 20 minutes.

Do I have time to change?

- No.

- Well, excuse me.

I better get straight over there.

- Mr. Pitt...

- Yes?

- There's a...

- Is that ink?

No.

Well, here we are.

Do you wanna come in?

My mother's having a little party.

- Maybe I could just use the bathroom.

- Sure.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I direct

your attention to the center ring...

...where the incomparable Misha

will balance 10 stories...

...above the circus floor on a wire

no wider than a human thumb.

It is time.

Break a leg.

- Show biz.

- Ladies and gentlemen...

...the incomparable Misha!

Those capes

are really coming back.

Sorry I took so long. They've got

one of those 3-D art posters in there.

It's mesmerizing.

What is that sound?

It is horrible.

Anybody see that poster in there?

That is weird, wild stuff, huh?

I have been accused

of wrongdoing...

...but these false accusations

will not deter us.

We will annex Poland by the spring

at any cost!

And our stock will rise high.

The doctor said Misha

is going to be all right.

I must go and be with Misha now.

- I don't want you to come with me.

- Why not?

It has been three days

since our night together.

Misha said that was all the time

I needed to put in.

- Really?

- In my country...

...they speak of a man so virile,

so potent...

...that to spend a night

with such a man is to enter a world...

...of sensual delights

most women dare not dream of.

This man is known

as the comedian.

You may tell jokes, Mr. Jerry Seinfeld,

but you are no comedian.

Car names are so stupid,

aren't they?

No baron has ever owned

a LeBaron.

Or the Ford LTD.

LTD. Limited.

It's a limited edition.

What did they make,

50 million of those?

Yes, it's limited

to the number we can sell.

Or when they try and mangle

a positive word into a car name.

You know how they'll do that?

The Integra.

Oh, integrity? No, Integra.

The Supra or the Impreza. Yeah?

Well, I hope it's not a "lemona. "

Or you'll be hearing

from my "lawya. "

So, George, you sure I can't show you

any other cars?

I don't think so, Vic.

Done my homework.

'89 Volvo. That's the car for me.

It's the one I want.

I got a LeBaron convertible

right here.

N.I., not interested.

Got a few more miles on it, but

the previous owner was Jon Voight.

Jon Voight?

Okay, Tim, you're welcome.

- Was that Tim Whatley?

- Yes, it was.

He wanted your address.

You, my friend, are gonna be invited to

his night-before-Thanksgiving party.

He's got that great apartment

on 77th Street...

...and they overlook where they inflate

all those huge balloons...

...for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day

Parade.

I have always had a big crush on Tim.

Why can't he ask me out?

He's a dentist. You don't wanna go out

with a dentist.

- Why?

- He'll always be criticizing...

...your brushing technique.

It'll drive you crazy.

Away from the gums.

New car!

Hey!

Did you get the Volvo?

No, I decided to go

with an '89 LeBaron.

A LeBaron?

I thought Consumer

said Volvo was the car.

What consumer? I'm the consumer.

Seems like a strange choice.

Well, maybe so.

But it was good enough

for Mr. Jon Voight.

- Jon Voight? The actor?

- That's right.

He just happened to be

the previous owner of the vehicle.

You bought a car because

it belonged to Jon Voight?

No. No.

I think "yes, yes. "

You like the idea of telling people

you're driving Jon Voight's car.

All right, maybe I do. So what?

I've never even seen him in a car.

I mean, look at his movies. No cars.

Deliverance, canoe.

Midnight Cowboy, boots.

Runaway Train...

...runaway train.

Hey. Jerry, you know that shoe

repair place at the end of the block?

If they don't get business,

they'll shut down and make way...

...for one of those gourmet coffee

or cookie stores.

- I like coffee.

- I like cookies.

Well, of course you do.

And you know why?

Because you're a bunch of yuppies.

It's your "go, go"

corporate-takeover lifestyles...

...that are driving out

these mom-and-pop stores...

...and destroying the fabric

of this neighborhood.

Well, what's so great about

a mom-and-pop store?

If my mom and pop ran a store,

I wouldn't shop there.

Hey, Bucambo...

...they've been in the neighborhood

for 48 years.

Now, come on, Jerry,

you gotta have shoes...

...in need of a cobbler.

I really don't wear the kind of shoes

that have to be cobbled.

Well, what about sneakers?

They'll clean them.

They do complete detailing.

- All right. Take them.

- Yeah, yeah.

Kramer, without you,

we'd be out of business.

These belong to my neighbor,

Jerry Seinfeld, the comedian.

- So many sneakers.

- Well, he's got a Peter Pan complex.

They'll be ready

a week from Thursday.

Oh, well, no rush.

- What's the matter?

- I keep getting these nosebleeds.

- Lie down. And put your head back.

- Oh, yeah.

- Hey, what's with your ceiling?

- What?

You got wires sticking out

every which way.

It looks dangerous.

You should call an electrician.

You know, in the 48 years

we've been here...

...I don't think we've ever called

an electrician.

Well, you should.

This place could blow any minute.

- Elaine.

- Yes, Mr. Pitt?

Have you gotten all the salt

off those pretzels yet?

No. I'm still working on it.

What in blazes

are you listening to?

Artie Shaw, "Honeysuckle Jump. "

That was Artie Shaw,

"Honeysuckle Jump."

Elaine, how did you know that?

My father used to have

a huge collection of big-band records.

Congratulations to Wayne Hopper

for identifying it.

By doing so,

he becomes our seventh person...

... to man

the Woody Woodpecker balloon...

... in the Macy's

Thanksgiving Day Parade.

There are only three spots left.

When we come back,

you'll have three more chances...

... to win a spot holding a rope

under Woody Woodpecker.

Could you identify the next song?

Could you? Could you?

Why would you wanna hold the ropes

from the Woody Woodpecker balloon?

My father was a stern man.

He forbade us to participate

in any activities...

...that he thought were associated

with the common man.

The Thanksgiving Day Parade

was first on the list.

All right. Okay.

I'll do the best I can.

Here we go for the next spot

under the balloon.

If you know the name

of this next song, call 555-BAND.

Well, Elaine? Do you know it?

What song is it?

- Will you shut up? I can't hear!

- I'm sorry.

Oh, I've got it!

It's "Next Stop, Pottersville. "

Goody! Yes, yes!

"Next Stop, Pottersville. "

You are a genius.

You'll love this car,

even if you don't like Jon Voight.

I like Jon Voight. Just seems like

a strange reason to buy a car...

...because he might have driven it.

What do you mean, "might"?

- You don't think he really owned it?

- I don't know.

Why would the guy make up

something like that?

Of all the names he could pick,

why settle on Jon Voight?

Don't you see,

that's the genius of it.

If he had said Liam Neeson,

you'd know he's making it up.

Liam Neeson?

How are you comparing

Liam Neeson with Jon Voight?

Jerry, we're talking about Joe Buck.

If you can play Joe Buck,

Oskar Schindler's a cakewalk.

Oh, look at this.

I stepped in gum.

You're not getting in my car

with gummy shoes.

All right. I'll change my shoes.

Liam Neeson.

You know he's not American.

Let me get a clean pair.

Everybody's talking at me

I can't hear a word they're saying

Just driving round

In Jon Voight's car

Kramer!

Hey, where's all my sneakers?

- You said take them.

- Not all of them.

Well, obviously,

there was a miscommunication.

Obviously. So, what am I

supposed to wear?

- Jerry, I left you a pair right here.

- Where?

Come on. You're not looking.

Here. There. Put on those boots.

I can't wear these.

- Well, why not?

- They're uncomfortable.

Come on here. Try them on.

Where did you get those?

I worked a club in Dallas one time,

and they couldn't pay me...

...so they gave me these.

I can't wear these.

They look ridiculous.

You look like a cowboy.

I don't wanna be a cowboy.

Oh, stop it.

You know Tim the dentist?

I got an invitation to his

Thanksgiving eve party.

- Yeah? I got one too.

- Oh, yeah?

- What?

- No. Nothing.

- No, what is it?

- No, it's just that I didn't get one.

You didn't get one?

But he called me up and asked

for yours and Elaine's addresses.

I'm sure that means I'm invited.

Not necessarily.

Why would you call someone

for addresses...

...if you're not invited to the party?

That's the genius of it.

I'm calling Elaine. See if she can

find out anything from Tim Whatley.

Hey, I got Jon Voight's LeBaron.

Boss.

Four thousand dollars!

We can't afford that.

Well, you have to do

something about it...

...because it's in violation

of the building code.

Otherwise, they're gonna

close you up.

Supposing we can't pay for it?

Then I have to report you.

Otherwise, I lose my license.

Sorry.

Forty-eight years, Mom.

And now we have to close.

All because of that idiot

and his bloody nose.

Afternoon, Mom. Afternoon, Pop.

You know you got a crack

in the sidewalk?

You ought to get that fixed.

- So?

- Come on, put the top up.

- It's November.

- I feel alive, Jerry.

Let's check out the glove box.

Pencil.

Hey, you don't think..?

Sure. That's Jon Voight's pencil.

With Jon Voight's teeth marks.

Owner's manual.

You know what?

This car was owned by Jon Voight.

You see? I told you.

Except Jon is spelled with an "H."

- J-O-H-N.

- So?

Doesn't Jon Voight

spell his name J-O-N?

- So, what are you saying?

- Nothing.

I'm sure Jon probably misspelled

his own name.

I know sometimes I spell Jerry

with a G.

And an I.

- Get out of the car!

- What?

That's right, you heard me. Get out.

You're ruining this whole experience.

Oh, look. There's

Gregory Peck's bicycle.

- Get out!

- And Barbara Mandrell's skateboard.

Get out!

Hey, cowboy.

Where's your horse?

Yeah, you better run.

- Did they take anything?

- They didn't touch me.

I tripped because of

these stupid cowboy boots.

Well, anyway, again, I'm sorry

about throwing you out of the car.

- You really seemed to enjoy it.

- It was kind of fun.

You know, maybe his name

really is J-O-H-N...

...but he changed it to J-O-N

for show business.

Well, you know, J-O-N

is a lot zippier.

Yeah, that's possible.

How would you find out

something like that?

Wait a minute. What am I thinking?

I've got the entire Yankee organization

at my disposal.

- He'll dispose of it.

- That's right. See you later.

So, Jerome, I did a little

snooping around for you.

What'd you find out, Lois?

Well, I talked to Tim Whatley.

Yeah?

And I asked him,

"Should Jerry bring anything?"

Subtle.

And he said,

"Why would Jerry bring anything?"

All right, but let me ask you this.

Which word did he emphasize?

Did he say,

"Why would Jerry bring anything?"

Or, "Why would Jerry

bring anything?"

Did he emphasize

"Jerry" or "bring"?

I think he emphasized "would. "

Know what? The hell with this party.

I don't wanna go to begin with.

- Hey.

- Hey. So where's my sneakers?

- That's what I wanna know.

- What do you mean?

Well, I saw Mom and Pop

this morning...

...but when I went by the store on

my way home, the place was empty.

Everything is gone.

Mom and Pop...

...vanished.

- So all my sneakers are gone?

- I'm afraid so.

And that's just the tip

of the iceberg.

I've been asking around.

They didn't even have any kids.

Mom and Pop aren't even

a mom and pop?

It was all an act, Jerry.

They conned us,

and they scored bigtime.

So Mom and Pop's plan was

to move into the neighborhood...

...establish trust...

...for 48 years...

...and then run off

with Jerry's sneakers?

Apparently.

All right. That's enough of this.

- Where you going?

- I gotta go to the Dixieland Deli...

...to pick up Mr. Pitt's security pass

for the parade.

Why does he wanna hold a rope

underneath Woody Woodpecker...

...in the Thanksgiving Day Parade?

He finds his laugh intoxicating.

So, George, what kind

of promotional events...

...are we talking about?

- Well...

...I think we need more

special days at the stadium.

You know, like...

...Joe Pepitone Day...

...or Jon Voight Day.

- Jon Voight?

The actor?

I make a motion that we have

no more of these meetings...

...that have been initiated

by George Costanza.

I suppose if I had suggested

Liam Neeson Day...

...you'd all be patting me

on the back.

I guessed Stan Herman's

"Boomtown Blues. "

- What did you guess?

- It was "Next Stop, Pottersville. "

Everybody knows that.

You know when they're giving out

the passes?

After the music.

Oh, man.

Taxi! Taxi.

Hey! Jon Voight!

Jon Voight! Hey, listen.

Can I ask you something?

Listen. Do you..? Wait...

- No Jon Voight Day, huh?

- No.

Now I'll always have this doubt

about the car.

- What, your jaw still hurts?

- Yeah, it's all swollen.

I think I chipped a tooth

when I fell yesterday.

- Have somebody look at it.

- I'm calling dentists all day.

Nobody working

the day before Thanksgiving.

- You going to the party?

- No. I don't know if I'm invited.

- There'll be lots of dentists there.

- Yeah, you're right.

You don't wanna suffer all weekend.

Yeah, I gotta see a dentist.

This is killing me.

Well, I'll take a chance.

We'll go together.

Maybe I'll just meet you there.

- You don't wanna go with me?

- Jerry...

...for all I know, this guy went

out of his way to not invite you.

How am I gonna feel if I show up...

...with an uninvited,

unwelcome intruder?

The way I feel

when I go places with you?

- Hey.

- Hey. Did you find my sneakers yet?

No. But I ran into somebody

you might be interested in.

A Mr. Jon Voight, the actor.

Jon Voight, are you kidding me?!

Did you talk to him?

He was a little standoffish.

What, you didn't ask him

about the car?

I couldn't. His cab pulled away.

But he did make an impression on me.

- Look.

- What?

His tooth marks. He bit me.

- Jon Voight bit you?

- What is he, a vampire?

No, it's justifiable.

He thought I was going for his wallet.

- He left perfect imprints.

- That he did.

You've got that pencil

with the bite marks on it?

We get a trained eye to match them,

and we'll see if you're driving his car.

Oh, please.

Wait a minute.

Wait, it's not that stupid.

No, it's stupid.

Why? Why is it impossible?

I mean, they're both bite marks.

So you're showing up at that party

with a chewed-up pencil...

...and Kramer's gnarled arm?

- It's worth a shot.

- Yeah.

Kramer, you wanna go

to the party together?

Jerry, look, come on,

I'm an invited guest.

I can't be aiding and abetting

some party crasher.

Excuse me, dentist? Dentist?

Dentist?

Are you a dentist?

Are you a dentist?

These are the balloons?

Big deal. All I see

is Woody Woodpecker.

You got a problem

with Woody Woodpecker?

Yeah. What is he,

some sort of an instigator?

That's right. He's a troublemaker.

Hey, did you get my message?

What? I can't hear

a word you're saying.

I was stuck at the Dixieland Deli

all day. My head is still ringing.

Where's Tim?

What's that,

the Empire State Building?

What? I can't hear you!

Elaine, would you marry me?

Wh..? I told you,

I can't hear a word.

All right. Forget it.

- Hey, Tim, how you doing?

- George. Kramer, how you doing?

Watch... Watch the arm.

Listen, we don't wanna bother you.

We know you're busy.

- No, it's okay, what is it?

- Let me show you something.

- Take a look.

- I'm gonna get going.

Let me take down your number.

- Hey, is that Jerry Seinfeld?

- Hey, he didn't come with us.

- Tim, the pencil.

- Jerry.

- Hey, Tim.

- Jerry. I didn't think you'd show.

Did you say, "Jerry,

I didn't think you'd show"...

...or "Jerry, I didn't think

you'd show. "

- Elaine, hi.

- Tim.

I'm really glad you came.

- What?

- I'm really glad you came.

Listen, Elaine,

I've been wanting to ask you...

...would you like to go out with me

New Year's Eve?

Thanks.

What? What?

Let me ask you something.

Could you tell if teeth marks

on somebody's arm...

...matched teeth marks on a pencil?

- It's possible.

- Roll up your sleeve.

Somebody bit you?

Well, not just someone.

Jon Voight.

- Jon Voight bit you?

- Yeah, yeah.

The pencil.

Get the pencil out of your mouth!

You're destroying

Jon Voight's teeth marks.

- That's Jon Voight's pencil?

- That's right.

And I got his whole car downstairs.

Are you the one you bought

his LeBaron convertible?

- Yes! Yes!

- Yes!

Yes, I'm the one.

- So you know Jon Voight?

- Yes. I went to dental school with him.

- Jon Voight, the actor?

- No.

The periodontist.

Can't this wait until Monday?

Come by my office.

- Just a quick peek. I'm in agony.

- All right. Sit down.

It's this one here in the back.

You popped Woody Woodpecker!

Hey, who invited you anyway?

You're a troublemaker.

Looks like Woody Woodpecker

is running out of air.

In fact, he's collapsing.

Those kids look pretty disappointed.

Especially that big kid

up in the front.

How old is he?

- Hello.

- Hello, is this Jerry Seinfeld?

- Yes, it is.

- You don't know me...

...but a really

strange thing happened.

I was at a garage sale,

and this old couple...

...sold me used sneakers...

...they claimed belonged

to Jerry Seinfeld, the comedian.

Could I have the address

to that garage sale?

Okay, thank you very much.

I found Mom and Pop.

They're selling my sneakers.

- Where are they?

- Parsippany, New Jersey.

Let's go.

- My car's in the shop.

- How are we getting to Parsippany?

Jerry...

...these nosebleeds

are starting again.

Maybe we should get you

to a hospital.

I ain't going to no Bellevue.

Look at me,

I'm falling apart here.

The marching band

is a perfect example...

...of taking something bad

and making it difficult too.

I mean, why does the band

have to march? We're not moving.

Maybe if they hold still,

we could all leave.

Is that why they do it?

People try and get away.

"No, you don't. I'm right with you.

Right with you, buddy. "

The human urge to wave

at total strangers just moving by...

...is very strong, isn't it?

Parades and ocean liners...

...and those little trains that

go through amusement parks.

It's always that bittersweet,

kind of hello-goodbye...

...combination wave, isn't it? Just:

I've never seen these people

before in my life...

...and they're leaving.

If a friend gets involved in a

relationship, it affects your friendship.

Because you're like a comedy team,

and now there's this third person.

It kind of throws off the timing:

"Who's on first?"

"I don't know.

Dear, who do you think

is on first?"

Whenever a friend starts with

a new girlfriend, he should just say:

"I look like the person

you used to know...

...but I've been modified

to survive in this relationship.

In other words, if we're having

an argument and she's there...

...I may say,

'I totally disagree with you. '

But what that means is:

'I'd like to help you out, but I'd rather

continue to see her naked. "'

Okay, cowboys, what will you have?

I'll have the turkey club

without the bacon.

And I'll have the bacon club

without the turkey.

George, don't make me

get tough with you.

Why? You think you can

beat me up?

You wouldn't want me to mess up

that beautiful face of yours.

Stop it. Stop it.

You don't want bacon.

I'll surprise you.

- Is she not terrific?

- She does have a way.

You think she thinks

I have a beautiful face?

Well, they do work on tips.

"George, don't make me

get tough with you. "

Who says that? She is really cool.

What do you think?

You think she likes me?

I should've got the egg-white omelet.

Why should she like me? Who am I?

There's a million people to like.

The omelet. Damn.

Maybe she could like me.

Is it that far-fetched?

Maybe she sees something.

Is it possible?

- No. Not possible.

- No. Not possible.

- Hey.

- Hey, Laney.

- How was the trip?

- What trip? You were gone?

I went to England.

With Mr. Pitt, for five days?

- How was it?

- Actually, it was great.

I met an Englishman,

and we really hit it off.

Well, that relationship has

obviously got a lot of potential.

Yeah, well, Jerome...

...I happen to be flying him in

on my frequent-flier miles.

Flying him in?

How long is he staying for?

It's an open-ended ticket.

He can return anytime he wants.

All this in five days.

Oh, no. It's Kenny Bania.

- Who's he?

- He's this awful comedian.

- Hey, Jerry.

- Hey, Kenny.

- Elaine, George.

- Hi.

- How's it going?

- Great. I've been working out.

Went from a size 40 to a 42.

- No kidding?

- Yeah. I'm huge.

- Well, I'll leave you guys alone.

- Okay, thanks.

Oh, Jerry, you know

what just hit me? I was thinking...

- What size suit are you?

- I'm a 40. Why?

I just got a brand-new Armani suit,

doesn't fit me anymore. You want it?

Well, I don't know if...

Oh, come on.

Why should it sit in a closet?

- An Armani suit?

- Take the suit.

Well, okay, I guess.

- You gonna be home later?

- Yeah.

I'll drop it off.

- Hey, new suit!

- Yeah, yeah. Lucky me.

Here, I personally made you

a cold chicken sandwich.

It's not even on the menu.

Oh, this is fabulous.

Boy, she is nice.

I like her. I like her, Jerry.

She's got substance.

She oozes substance.

Well, go in there and talk to her.

She's not gonna put them

on the glass.

You mean the walk back in?

That's the toughest move

in the business.

You're sending me

into no man's land...

...and if I get shot down,

I have to crawl back.

Well, I can't do it, I tell you!

Pull yourself together.

You're going in there, soldier.

That's an order!

Get in there.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Listen, I need you

to do me a favor.

- What?

- Help me move my refrigerator.

- Why?

- Because I'm getting rid of it.

- Yeah?

- It's K.B. I have the suit.

All right, come on up.

- So...

- Why get rid of your refrigerator?

After that kidney stone,

I only want fresh food.

It's gotta be fresh.

I'm not eating any more stored food.

Plus, you know, I want the space.

- What for?

- Well, I could put a dresser in there.

I could get dressed

while I'm making breakfast.

Hey!

- Here you go.

- Yeah.

Didn't think I was really gonna

give you a suit, did you?

- You're giving him this suit?

- That's right. And it's Armani.

Armani?

- Hey, Armani, Jerry.

- Yes, yes, I heard.

- Come on, try it on.

- No, it's okay.

- Come on. I want to see how it fits.

- All right.

- There you go.

- There, okay?

Oh, boy. Look at that.

That looks great.

- I can't believe you're giving him this.

- And I don't even want anything for it.

- He's very generous, isn't he?

- Yes. Yes, he is.

I'll tell you what, you can take me

out to dinner sometime.

- Dinner?

- Yeah, you buy me a meal.

- Can't get a better deal than that.

- You'll never get a better deal.

- All right, I'll leave you alone.

- Yeah, yeah.

Look at that. Armani. Yeah.

Yeah, that's a deal.

That's a terrible deal.

I don't want to go out to dinner

with him. I'd rather make my own suit.

- I did it. It's all done.

- Hey.

I did it. We're going out

as soon as she gets off work.

And it'll still be daytime.

I'm better in the daytime than at night.

It's less pressure.

I love the day date.

- No wine, no shower.

- There you go.

- So the trip was good?

- Yes.

Apart from that dreadful airline food.

Wreaked absolute havoc

with my stomach.

You know, I have to say,

I've never admitted this to anyone...

...but I kind of like airline food.

That's probably because of...

What?

- What?

- Yeah, what?

What?

Where I come from,

we don't say "what. "

It's proper to say "pardon. "

Oh, this should be interesting.

- Pardon?

- Nothing.

So then, about a year ago, I started

selling these funky little hair clips.

It's going pretty good.

I make them in my apartment.

I'm just waitressing because I wanted

to go to Europe this summer...

...and I could use a few extra...

Careful.

Oh, it's just horse manure.

Horse manure's not that bad.

I don't even mind

the word "manure. "

You know, it's "nure,"

which is good...

...and a "ma" in front of it.

Manure.

When you consider the other choices,

"manure" is actually pretty refreshing.

- That's a nice watch, George.

- Yeah.

You know, my boyfriend

has the same one.

- Really?

- Yeah, he loves watches.

- He's a real watch freak.

- Well, how about that?

- Oh, look out. You stepped right in it.

- Yes. I sure did.

So you just pretended

it didn't bother you?

What is that? Boyfriend?

I don't understand that.

What does she think

I asked her out for?

It's the way they just slip it

in there too.

Yeah, like it's all just part

of the conversation.

"My boyfriend really likes watches.

He's a real watch freak. "

Well, that's fabulous.

Well, let me ask you this. What exactly

did you say when you asked her out?

I said, "Would you like

to go for a walk or something?"

- Oh, a walk? Well...

- Or something. I said "or something. "

Or something?

- Yeah, that's a date.

- There you go.

Of course, there is always the

possibility that she called an audible.

- What do you mean?

- She got to the line of scrimmage...

...didn't like the looks of the defense

and changed the play.

I think things were going okay.

We were having a nice conversation.

I mentioned how I liked

horse manure.

- You did?

- Yeah.

- You said you liked horse manure?

- Yeah.

You know, about how, when you break

it down, it's really a very positive thing.

You know, you have a "nure"

with a "ma" in front of it.

Manure. It's not bad.

And it was around this point

she mentioned the boyfriend?

Yeah.

Oh, you think because

of what I said about the manure?

I was just saying how

it takes a negative thing...

...and puts a positive spin on it.

I'm just saying there's a chance

she may not have been enamored...

...with your thoughts and feelings

on manure.

So you don't think

she really has a boyfriend.

My honest opinion?

I think she made it up.

Well, then she's just a liar,

isn't she?

Hey.

You want something to eat,

don't you?

Oh, no, no, no.

You got me all wrong, buddy.

I am loving this no refrigerator.

You know what I discovered?

I really like depriving myself of things.

It's fun. Very monastic.

- Well, what do you eat?

- It's all fresh.

Fresh fish, fresh fowl, fresh fruit.

I buy it. I eat it.

- Well, I'm glad it's working out.

- Oh, yeah. It's working out.

And I got a date with that waitress

who works at Reggie's.

Boy, if I could meet a hostess,

we could open up our own place.

Yeah. Well, I'll tell you,

she's a full-figured gal.

- Is she?

- Oh, you better believe it, buddy.

- George, we could double sometime.

- Yeah, yeah, we could.

You know, Kramer,

the next time you talk to her...

...find out if she knows Kelly

from Monk's.

I want to know

if she really has a boyfriend.

All right, let's get over here.

- Hello.

- Hi, Jerry. It's Kenny.

- Oh, hi.

- I was thinking, if you're not busy...

...maybe I can get my meal today?

Yeah, you want to get that meal,

don't you?

How about Mendy's.

Ever been there?

- No, I haven't.

- You're gonna love it.

- I'll meet you there around 7.

- All right.

Yeah, I really needed that suit.

I start off with curls.

That's good for the bicep.

I do 10 reps, two sets.

That's fantastic.

- You work out with weights?

- I don't.

- You should.

- Why?

- You worn the suit yet?

- No, not yet.

- Have you decided?

- Oh, get the swordfish.

Best swordfish in the city.

The best, Jerry.

I'll have the salmon.

And you?

You know what I think?

I'm just gonna have soup.

Yeah, I'll save the meal

for another time.

Another time? What other time?

I had a hot dog earlier.

I'm not that hungry.

No, no, Bania, no.

This is the dinner.

The soup counts.

Soup's not a meal.

You're supposed to buy me a meal.

I'm not stopping you from eating.

Go ahead. Get anything you want.

- But I don't want anything but soup.

- Then that's the meal.

But I had the hot dog.

Who told you to have a hot dog?

Hey, I give you

a brand-new Armani suit...

...and you won't even

buy me a meal.

All right, fine. Get the soup.

So he just gets soup.

He wants to save the meal.

So now I got to do it

all over again.

What kind of soup did he get?

I don't know.

Consomm or something.

- Consomm.

- What?

Well, that's really not a meal, Jerry.

I mean, if he had gotten

chicken gumbo or matzo ball...

...even mushroom barley,

then I would agree with you.

Those are very hearty soups.

- You're missing the whole point.

- What?

The meal is the act

of sitting down with him.

It doesn't matter what you get.

As long as he's sitting

in that restaurant, it's a meal.

- Was it a cup or a bowl?

- You see? Again.

- I'm just curious.

- A bowl, okay?

Did he crumble any crackers in it?

Did he crumble any crackers in it?

As a matter of fact, he did.

Oh, well, crackers in a bowl.

That could be a meal.

It's like I'm talking

to my aunt Sylvia here.

- Hi, Simon. This is Jerry.

- Hello.

- Elaine, do you have cash on you?

- Yeah, in my purse.

No, there was only $6.

Well, I have some money.

What do you need?

Twenty should cover me.

Thanks, mate.

- Where are you going?

- Just visiting.

- Okay. See you later.

- I won't be back for dinner.

Pardon?

- So is she working? Is she here?

- Yeah, yeah, she's here.

- Have you said anything?

- No. I'm very uncomfortable.

- Are you gonna say anything?

- I don't know. I don't know.

- Hello.

- Hello.

Well, what's it going to be?

- "What's it gonna be?"

- Yes. What will you have?

Are you eating?

It's in that vein.

- I'll just have a bowl of chili.

- I'll have an egg-white omelet.

- "What's it gonna be?" Hear that?

- Yeah, that was bad.

Did you feel that tension?

We used to have banter.

There's no more banter.

Oh, no. It's Kenny.

Slide out so he can't sit here.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- You worn the suit yet?

- Actually I did.

I put it on last night

and slept in it.

- You did?

- No, I'm joking.

Can I squeeze in?

Sure you can.

Thanks.

- Can I take your order?

- What kind of soup do you have?

Why don't you get a sandwich.

Okay. I'll have tomato soup

and tuna on toast.

Okay. This is it, you know.

This is the meal.

So stock up, buddy boy.

What are you talking about?

This isn't a meal.

Yes, it is. Soup and sandwich.

That is a meal.

You're supposed to buy me dinner

in a nice restaurant like Mendy's.

- I tried to do that.

- This is lunch in a coffee shop.

It doesn't matter. This is it.

This completes the transaction.

Oh, soup and a sandwich

for a brand-new Armani suit.

- Is that any kind of a gesture?

- I'm really not comfortable...

Hey, I just spoke to Hildy

about your friend.

- Yeah?

- She doesn't have a boyfriend.

She made it up.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Where's Simon?

- Oh, he'll be right up.

He's just getting some beer.

And I'm not expecting any change.

- When's he leaving?

- About two days.

Although he's hinting

at how he'd like to stay.

Fortunately, he has no money

and no prospects.

- Hey, mate. Fancy a beer?

- No, thanks.

Hello?

No, I'm sorry, Bania.

I'm not going over this again.

Well, who told you to order soup?

No, there's no dinner.

There's not going to be any dinner.

You've had a sandwich

and two bowls of soup, and that's it.

Goodbye.

- Hey, what size suit are you?

- Forty.

Forty. Perfect.

- Brand-new Armani suit, you want it?

- Absolutely.

Great. It's yours.

I can't stand the sight of it.

- Elaine, here's the car keys.

- Thanks.

- Yep.

- Listen, Jerry.

I been doing some thinking.

I want my suit back.

I don't have your suit.

I gave it away.

- Well, it's my suit.

- Well, it's gone.

I'm sorry. Goodbye, Bania.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Yeah.

- Well, how's everything?

- Okay.

Good.

- What's going on?

- Nothing.

Really?

You want food, don't you?

It's not for me, it's for Hildy,

the waitress I was telling you about.

She's hungry. She wants food.

If I go back in there without any food,

there's gonna be trouble.

All right, go ahead.

- Did you find anything?

- Yeah.

There's a few things in here.

Peanut butter, cheese. Yeah.

- Cheese is good. What kind?

- Swiss.

All right, it'll have to do. Come on.

What are you doing out here?

I can't go in there.

I'm too uncomfortable.

So we're not gonna go

in there anymore?

Hey, what are you doing out here?

We can't eat here anymore,

because he took a waitress for a walk.

What's the difference?

Let's go to Reggie's.

- Reggie's? I can't eat anything there.

- It's the same menu.

There's no big salad.

They'll make you a big salad.

What do you think, they're

the only ones that make a big salad?

All right, let's go to Reggie's.

So, what's going on with Simon?

Did he leave?

Wait till you hear this.

So Simon picks this woman up

right in front of me.

Look at this. They make a point

of saying on the menu:

"No egg-white omelets. "

Look at that.

So what? Have a yolk.

It won't kill you.

- Hello.

- Oh, hi, Hildy.

Could I get an egg-white omelet?

- Did you read the menu?

- All right. Just give me a western.

- How about a big salad?

- A big salad?

- You see?

- Just tell her what you want.

They'll make it for you.

It's a salad, only bigger,

with lots of stuff in it.

I can bring you two small salads.

Could you put it in a big bowl?

We don't have big bowls.

- All right, just give me a cup of decaf.

- We have Sanka.

I mean, it's not fair.

I've been going there for seven years.

- She's been there three weeks.

- Not fair.

If anyone should be forced to leave,

it should be her.

She's on your turf.

If only she could get fired.

Is there any way that could happen?

I mean, I know how

to get myself fired.

- You're the best.

- Well...

How do I get someone else fired?

Well, as I see it...

...you've got to apply the same

principles that get you fired...

...but redirected outwardly.

- Hey.

- Hey.

She's hungry, Jerry.

Well, there's nothing left.

There's no food.

No food?

Well, you gotta have something.

I can't go back in there with no food.

She expecting something, Jerry.

You don't know what she's like

when that blood sugar drops.

There, you see, she's already

in a bad mood. She just got fired.

Why did she get fired?

Because I called over there

a couple of times...

...and the manager didn't like it.

Simon is definitely going back now.

He's meeting me here

to return my keys.

Boy, he's a real bounder, isn't he?

Yes, he's one of those bounders.

- Egg-white omelet, big salad.

- Thank you.

I wanted you guys to know

that Friday is my last day.

Bloomingdale's ordered

a bunch of my clips.

Thank God. I don't have

to do this anymore.

Hey, Jerry. Where's my suit?

I don't have it.

You want half my omelet?

I told you, she's busy.

She can't come to the phone now.

Tell your boyfriend

to stop calling here.

He's not my boyfriend.

It's that bald guy with the glasses

who's always here with them.

He's trying to get me in trouble.

Hey! Yeah.

I got a message for you.

You tell your friend George...

...that the next time

I see him around here...

...I'm gonna turn him into my own

personal hand puppet.

Well, hello.

Here you are, as promised.

You see, I'm a man of my word.

- When are you leaving?

- Are you trying to get rid of me?

I was supposed to leave tomorrow, but

I've been set up with a job interview...

...that might enable me to extend

my visit indefinitely.

And it is all due to this suit.

How do I look?

I'm a shoo-in, aren't I?

Thanks again, hon.

Hey, Kenny. You still

wanna get that suit back?

- Yeah.

- There it goes.

Hey! Hey!

Come here, you.

- Wait, what are you..? Unhand me!

- Take it off!

What's supposed to be

so attractive about fur?

Why does a man

wanna see a woman in fur?

Men want women with shaved legs,

shaved armpits, plucked eyebrows.

Then before we go out,

we dress them up like a bear?

To me, the only reason to wear fur...

...would be if you were trying

to sneak up on another animal.

You ever see those tribal hunters

wearing the fur...

...with the other animal's head

on top of their head, you know?

I'm sure there's a moose looking at

that going, "Yeah. That looks good.

Yeah. I'm gonna turn my back

on this goofball with the extra head...

...because there's nothing

fishy there.

I'll just keep drinking

from the stream.

I've seen a lot of two-headed

tigers with knees. "

So I am actually gonna have

a secretary.

- And I get to do the interview.

- It's incredible.

You were taking messages

for your mother.

And now someone's gonna be

taking messages for me.

From your mother.

So this woman you plan on hiring...

...is she gonna be

in the spokesmodel category?

Sure, I could go the tomato route...

...but I've given this

a lot of thought, Jerry.

All that frustration,

I'll never get any work done.

So I'm doing a complete 360.

I'm going for total

efficiency and ability.

That's a 180, George.

Whatever.

- Hi, Willie.

- Hey, Jerry.

I got this stuff...

...and my mother's fur for storage.

- What are you doing with it?

She keeps it with me

for when she comes up from Florida.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Jerry, you know my wife, Donna.

Yeah. That's why I said "hi. "

Hey, nice jacket.

Thanks. Houndstooth.

This is a beauty.

- Great cut. It's probably very flattering.

- Oh, yes.

It really accentuates

my bust line.

Well, I type about

90 words a minute.

I'm completely well-versed in all

the IBM and Macintosh programs.

Well, Miss Coggins, you're

obviously qualified for the job.

You have all the necessary skills

and experience...

...but you're extremely attractive.

You're gorgeous.

I'm looking at you,

I can't even remember my name.

So I'm afraid this is not

gonna work out. Thanks for coming.

You're luscious.

You're ravishing.

I would give up red meat just to get

a glimpse of you in a bra.

I'm terribly sorry. Terribly sorry.

As you can see, my references

are impeccable.

I think I'd be a real asset here.

My only concern is,

I do take care of my mother.

So will there be many late nights?

I can't imagine.

Okay. So Barneys is having

this huge sale.

I try this dress on.

Stunning. Stunning.

I couldn't take my eyes off myself.

- Yeah?

- Okay. So then I put it on at home...

...it looks like I'm carrying twins.

So you're saying, store, hotsy-totsy,

Home, hotsy-notsy.

Yeah, exactly.

Anyway, I gotta go there and return it.

I thought we were going

to the movies.

All right. I'll try it on again.

You tell me what you think.

- Hey, hey.

- Hey, George.

Hey, Elaine.

I am telling you, Jerry,

having a secretary is incredible.

Don't know why I didn't

have one before.

Because you didn't have a job?

Perhaps.

I walk in, everything is organized.

Messages, appointments.

I can't tell you how proud I am

of myself for going with Ada.

A lesser man would've crumbled.

They would've gone for the dish and

the sure-fire sexual harassment suit.

- It's a little...

- All right.

You answered it right there.

You got no waist in that thing.

And your arms look like something

hanging in a kosher deli.

I said, all right.

- Well, why'd you buy it for?

- Why did I buy it?

Because in the mirror at Barneys,

I looked fabulous.

This woman who was just

walking by...

...said I looked like Demi Moore

in Indecent Proposal.

How fast was she walking?

"Demi"?

I thought it was "Demi. "

No, I think it's "Demi. "

Really?

I never heard of

a "semi" tractor-trailer.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

I know what's going on here.

- Skinny mirrors.

- What?

Skinny mirrors.

Barneys has skinny mirrors.

They make you look,

like, 10 pounds lighter.

Oh, you're crazy.

Am I?

Do you think I would've

bought this dress...

...if I looked like this at Barneys?

You know, I think

she may have something.

What are you all dressed up for?

I'm returning this dress to Barneys.

Good idea.

Do it tomorrow.

We'll go to the movies.

- Yeah. Okay.

- Hey, if you're going...

...maybe you can pick me up

some of this super-hydrating...

It's a total-protection moisturizer

with UVA. Yeah.

- Moisturizer? That's girl stuff.

- No. Look, I'll tell you what.

- They're having a sale, right?

- Yeah.

I'll meet you down there.

We'll have lunch.

- Well, we could...

- Yeah, we'll get to know each other.

We never get to spend

any time together.

Oh, sure. We have

our little group here, but...

And then, assuming

the strike is resolved...

...on April 14th,

we play the Angels.

So let's clear a floor

at the Anaheim Hotel.

Anaheim Hotel.

You may wanna reconsider.

I believe they only have

room service until 10 p. m...

...then it's only finger foods.

Ada, you're a wonder.

Okay. Now, I projected those figures

for you regarding the switch...

...to canola oil for stadium popcorn.

And surprisingly, it'll only cost

half a cent more per bag...

...so it is definitely doable.

Ada, I have to tell you, I have

never met anybody so efficient.

Well, thank you. I'm flattered.

You're just a marvel of organization.

Well, I'm just doing my job.

It's like I'm...

I'm thinking of something...

...and you're one step ahead of me.

What can I say? I'm...

I'm good at what I do.

Do you..?

Do you know what I'm...

...thinking about now?

Yes. I think I do.

Is it...

...doable?

It's definitely doable.

Well, that was the worst.

I can't believe they made

the wife the killer.

- Give me a break.

- Hey.

Give us a break.

We haven't seen it yet.

- Thanks a lot, bigmouth.

- Yeah.

- You got a pen?

- Yeah. I think I do.

And I need something to write on.

Well, all I got is

my dry-cleaning stub.

I just met Uma Thurman.

She's giving me her telephone

number. Uma, Jerry. Uma.

- Uma Thurman? Really?

- How'd you manage that?

Yeah. Well, I...

I don't have any time to talk now.

He's got the kavorca.

- Hey, isn't that Willie, my dry cleaner?

- Where?

He just went in.

You know, I...

I think he was wearing

my houndstooth jacket.

What would he be doing

wearing your jacket?

It looked just like the jacket

I brought in to be dry-cleaned.

He complimented me on it.

- Are you sure?

- I got it.

Uma, Uma, Uma.

- You are amazing.

- Yeah.

All right. Taxi's on me.

No, no, no. A better way

to reach the bra...

...would be to undo the jacket

then go around the back of the shirt.

Ada, you're incredible.

Here. I wanna show you something.

Hand me that pillow.

Here.

What?

Oh, my God.

Mr. Costanza.

Ada.

- I'm giving you a raise!

- Yes!

So you're having sex,

then all of a sudden you just blurt out:

"I'm giving you a raise"?

Yeah.

Just a quick sidebar here.

Are you in any way

authorized to give raises?

- Not that I'm aware of.

- No.

So you're so grateful to have sex,

you'll shout out anything...

...that comes into your head.

I didn't think ahead.

Well, maybe she'll just think

it was bawdy talk.

I didn't say any other bawdy things.

Maybe you could have sex

with her again and then take it back.

All right. You're not

any help at all here.

I don't know the point

of talking to you.

All right, all right, I'm sorry.

Yeah. Well, the only thing I can do

is to go to George Steinbrenner...

...and tell him he has

to give her a raise.

- How long has she been there?

- Three days.

- It's almost a week.

- Yeah.

Oh, my God.

- What?

- It's a movie stub from the 9:30 show.

George, I think Willie the dry cleaner's

been wearing my clothes.

These mirrors are skinny mirrors.

This is false...

...reflecting.

And I think that the department of...

...you know, whatever...

...would be very interested

to know what's going on here.

Well, we're more than happy

to exchange it for something else.

Okay. Fine.

I did like that little

Calvin Klein number...

...right by the elevator,

with the little...

- I'll bring it to your dressing room.

- Okay. Thanks so much.

What are you all dressed up for?

Well, Elaine, when you're

shopping on Madison Avenue...

...you don't wanna skimp

on the swank.

I like your little bag.

Oh, yeah. Hey, look at this.

This is a super-hydrating,

triple-action moisturizer, huh?

Wait till that Uma smells this UVA.

- Hey, Kramer.

- Hey, Bania. What's happening?

I'm looking for a new suit,

but I can't find anything I like.

- That's a nice suit.

- Well, thank you.

- Did you get that here?

- No, no, no.

This is vintage.

They don't make this stuff anymore.

- You're telling me.

- I sure am.

It's hard to find pants...

- That don't make you high-waisted?

- Yes.

- Me too.

- What size are you?

- Forty-two.

- Forty-two? That's what I am now.

I've been working out. I'm huge.

How'd you like to sell it?

Make me an offer.

- One hundred bucks.

- Surely you jest.

One seventy-five?

Look at the stitching.

This is old-world craftsmanship.

- Three hundred dollars.

- Sold.

- Follow me into the dressing room.

- You'll throw the shirt in?

Bania, you're killing me.

Hey, that's the women's

dressing room.

There's nothing there

I haven't seen before.

Mr. Steinbrenner?

Can I talk to you for a second?

Yes. Yes, George.

Can you talk to me?

Of course you can.

I'm a very accessible man.

I just wanna say you're doing great

on that canola-oil stuff.

Well, you know,

to be honest, sir, my...

My new secretary, Ada,

came up with that one.

Ada. Ada. I like that name, George.

She supports her whole family.

- Is that a fact, George?

- Yes.

In fact, her mother's in the hospital.

It's some kind of a diverticulitis.

I had a bout of that myself one time,

knocked me right on my a**.

She can't even afford

to go out to lunch. She...

She's been eating

in high school cafeterias.

She pretends to be a teacher.

It's pathetic.

What does that cost?

Two and a quarter?

You know, I was just thinking

that she could really use a raise.

She'd be better off making

a sandwich and bringing it.

Hello?

George, will you excuse me?

Kramer. What are you doing?

Listen, I need you

to get me some clothes.

- What?

- Yeah. I just sold my suit...

...to Bania for a cool 300.

So go buy a new one.

At this place?

It would destroy my profit margin.

- So?

- Listen, do me a favor. Just call Jerry.

Tell him to bring me some clothes.

- Hello, Willie.

- Hey, Jerry.

- You're dropping off.

- No...

...but seen any good movies lately?

- You came by to ask that?

- Yeah.

Specifically, 9:30 shows.

Seen any good 9:30 shows

at the Paragon, Willie?

- What are you getting at?

- I saw you...

...stepping out

with my houndstooth jacket.

Jerry, that's a breach

of the dry cleaners' code.

You need a code to tell you

not to wear people's clothes?

I wasn't wearing your jacket.

- Jerry, you're imagining things.

- Yeah.

Am I imagining this?

Found that little cutie in the pocket.

- Jerry, I...

- Yeah. Well, now that...

...we understand each other,

I'll take my business elsewhere.

- I want my mother's fur coat back too.

- Jerry, come on.

- Now.

- Now?

Yeah. I want that coat.

- Well...

- Where's the ticket?

- Kramer.

- Wait a minute.

You mean to tell me that

you don't have a ticket for the coat?

No. Not on me.

Well, I need to see that ticket.

Why? I've gotten cleaning without it.

Yeah, but this is different.

Those fur-storage warehouses

are huge.

You can't get anything

without a number.

All right. I'll be back.

Yeah. It looks good here,

but what does that mean?

So do you want it?

I don't know. I have to think about it.

I need a nonpartisan mirror.

I can't thank you enough,

Mr. Costanza.

- I'm so grateful.

- Yes. Well...

...I sat down with Mr. Steinbrenner.

I told him you have

been doing great work.

I said that you deserved a raise,

and if you didn't get it...

...that I was leaving.

It was just so generous.

Oh, don't worry about it.

He's got plenty of money.

Oh, I know, but 25,000.

- So you got a $25,000-a-year raise?

- Yes.

- Oh, I tell you, Mr. Steinbrenner...

- You're making more than I am.

- I am?

- A secretary cannot make more...

...than her boss.

- Well, apparently they can.

Oh, this is insanity.

I'm not this hip-y.

Hey. Hey, what do you think of this?

You'll never pull it off.

Hey. What's going on in there?

Excuse me. Could you tell me where I

could find women's moisturizer lotions?

This woman's been in there

for over an hour.

Excuse me, miss.

Is everything okay in there?

Yeah.

- Kramer?

- Jerry. You got my clothes?

- What clothes?

- Didn't Elaine call you?

No.

Well, what are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

You're in the women's dressing room.

I need that ticket stub back so I can

get my mother's fur coat out.

The stub. Yeah.

I left it in my... My pants.

- Where are your pants?

- Well, I sold them to Bania.

What? You sold your pants

to Bania? Let me in.

Why'd you sell your pants to Bania?

I had Uma Thurman's number

written on that stub.

I lost Uma's number.

- Where are your clothes?

- I told you, I sold them to Bania.

- You mean, what you were wearing?

- Yeah.

How'd you expect

to get out of here?

Well, I didn't think ahead.

This... This isn't gonna work for me.

So if you could show me

something else.

No.

- No?

- No. Because you're taking that one.

- I am?

- Yes. You wore it outside.

That's preposterous.

Well, I suppose that salt stain

came from all the snow in the store.

Shall I wrap it,

or will you wear it out?

No. You can wrap it.

- Kramer, you still in there?

- Elaine?

Jerry?

- Elaine, where's Kramer?

- Bania?

- Kramer?

- I'm going out.

- Jerry.

- Bania.

Kramer, I want my money back

for this suit.

Your nancy-boy cream leaked

all over the pockets.

- Suit's ruined.

- You're not getting any money back.

- Jerry, come back.

- Excuse me.

- Uma's number's on that ticket.

- Never mind Uma.

I need that ticket

to get my mother's coat.

Why not just give him the money?

I'm not giving him $300 now for a suit

with moisturizer cream all over it.

- I got an idea.

- What?

I can't believe I'm gonna do this.

Can I talk to you for a second?

How's everything going?

- Pretty good.

- Yeah.

See, the thing is,

I'm in an awkward position here...

...because I don't wanna get

between you two guys...

...but I need a dry-cleaning ticket

that's in the pocket of those pants.

All you gotta do is tell Kramer

to give me my money back...

...and you'll get your ticket.

- Yeah.

Yeah, all right.

Well, tell you what I will do, Bania.

You give me the ticket...

...and I will take you out

for a nice dinner.

Can we go back to Mendy's?

You wanna go to Mendy's,

I'll take you to Mendy's.

- Twice. I wanna go twice.

- All right, let's be reasonable, Bania.

I'm taking you out for dinner.

All I want is a little ticket.

- I think that's a pretty good deal.

- Two Mendy's.

All right.

- Just give me the ticket.

- Here you go.

But, Mr. Steinbrenner, how can I be

expected to perform my job properly...

...knowing that my subordinate

is making more money than I am?

With all due respect, sir,

it's out of whack.

I understand what you're saying.

I know what it's like

to be strapped.

As a young man in Cleveland,

I hitchhiked to work.

One time I got picked up

by a bakery truck.

Think that smells good?

Try being cooped up...

...in one of those babies.

I couldn't look at a doughnut

for two years.

Not that I was ever one

for the sweets.

Sure, I like a cupcake every

now and then like everybody else.

You know, I like it when they have

a little cream inside. It's a surprise.

That's good.

Plus, the chocolate ones are good too.

Sometimes I can't even

make up my mind.

A lot of times, I'll mix the two together.

Make a vanilla-fudge.

Let me in, it's me.

Here. You don't know

what this is costing me.

All right. Nice work.

Wait. Where's Uma's number?

The moisturizer smudged out

the phone number.

The dry-cleaning number's

gone too.

It must have been

the botanical extracts.

Give me that.

Hey, Bania, the dinner's off.

The ticket's no good.

The numbers are all smudged out.

You trying to get out of Mendy's?

- You can't do that.

- The ticket is worthless.

You promised me.

Hey, isn't that my mother's fur coat?

- No, it's not.

- It is.

- Give me that back.

- What are you talking about?

- You out of your mind?

- Are you crazy, taking my coat?

What, do you think the dry cleaners

is your personal closet?

Hey, Donna, can you get

the salt stain out of this?

Let me see. Piece of cake.

Bring it in. What size is it?

This soup is great.

Yeah, it's very good.

I told you Mendy's had the best

pea soup. The best, Jerry. The best.

- Are you enjoying it?

- Yeah. I'm having a wonderful time.

Wait till you try the swordfish.

You know, Jerry, I was thinking...

...for our next meal, do you think

we should come here...

...or should we go someplace else?

It has its pros and cons.

On the one hand, here,

you're guaranteed a great meal.

- On the other hand...

- Yeah, yeah, I know.

This would be good,

but it'd be the same.

If we go someplace else, it would

be different, but maybe not as good.

It's a gamble. I get it.

Yeah.

Let's hurry. I gotta go.

I'm meeting a woman for a drink.

- Oh, and who might that be?

- Some woman named Uma.

I got her number off that ticket

before it was smudged.

Hope she's good-looking.

If you are a waiter or a waitress

and you see me in a restaurant...

...I'm telling you right now,

I don't wanna hear about the specials.

I don't wanna know about the specials,

I'm sick of the specials, I hate them.

My feeling is, if the specials were

so special, they'd be on the menu.

You know what's special? They don't

know if anybody likes them.

And they always have those overly

creative descriptions of the specials.

The veal is lightly slapped...

...and then sequestered

in a one-bedroom suite...

...with a white-wine intravenous.

Tennis is the only sport where

the uniform is what you'd wear...

...under your clothes

in any other sport.

You're actually out there

in your underwear.

Unless in the old days,

they would wear those long pants...

...and the big heavy sweaters. How

long did it take them to get over that?

We're out here in the hot sun,

running after a ball.

What exactly are we

all dressed up for?

That's why they started

keeping score like that. Point?

You know what? Make it 15.

I'm dying in this sweater here.

Another one got by me?

Take another 10 points.

Let's just get this over with.

- Come on, let's go.

- No, wait. I gotta go in here.

- I gotta pick up Mr. Pitt's racket.

- What's it doing here?

He wanted to have it re-strung.

I need to pick that up.

- Hello.

- Oh, hi.

- Jocelyn Landis from Doubleday.

- Yes.

I interviewed you for a position

a couple of months ago.

Yes. The one I didn't get.

I was watching you play.

Oh, I'm not very good.

No, you exhibited

a lot of grace out there.

- Really? Grace?

- Yes. So have you found anything yet?

- No. Not really.

- You know, you should keep in touch.

Something may be opening up

in a few weeks.

Is that a Bruline?

Oh, Bruline. Newman's got

the same one.

- Newman plays tennis?

- He's fantastic.

Would you mind if I tried this out?

No. Take it.

How will you get it back?

Well, I could come by your office

and pick it up tomorrow.

That's so generous of you. Thanks.

- You loaned her Pitt's racket?

- What could I do?

She said there might be something

for me at Doubleday.

Wouldn't that be great? I wouldn't

have to work for Mr. Pitt anymore.

- I gotta get going.

- Oh, okay.

Next time let's play Ping-Pong.

It's easier to jump over the net.

Yeah.

- Bye.

- Bye-bye.

Have you noticed

that she never laughs?

- Really?

- Yeah. Think about it.

You're not gonna believe this.

There she is. Check that out.

- You're dating this woman?

- That's right.

George, you're becoming

one of the glitterati.

- What's that?

- You know, people who glitter.

- She's a slim gal.

- Yeah.

And the amazing thing is

she eats like there's no tomorrow.

I've never seen an appetite like this.

Desserts, everything.

- I don't know how she does it.

- Maybe she's bulimic.

- What?

- Bulimic, you know?

- Kramer, she's a model.

- Exactly.

Well, I have noticed she does

tend to go to the bathroom...

...right after we finish eating.

- Yeah.

There you go, monkey boy.

Come on.

That's so good.

How's that?

Aren't you hungry?

Just enjoying watching you.

- So did you like the movie?

- Yeah, it was okay.

Frankenstein didn't seem quite right

to me. I missed the sport jacket.

Not that it was that nice of a jacket.

I mean, it didn't fit him that well.

To me there's just something

about a monster in a blazer.

It shows at least

he's making an effort.

That's funny.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I'm so full.

Yes. Full. Love to be full.

Love to just sit back, loosen the old

belt and digest away for hours.

Let those enzymes do their work.

- Will you excuse me?

- Where are you going?

- I just need to freshen up.

- You're fresh.

You're very fresh.

You seem very fresh to me.

You're very vital.

I couldn't take you any fresher.

George, I need to freshen.

George? George? George!

It was unbelievable.

You were right.

The jokes kept bouncing off her

like Superman.

- See? What did I tell you?

- Even when she did like something...

...she doesn't laugh.

She says, "That's funny. "

"That's funny. "

I gotta call that woman

at Doubleday.

See when I can pick up

Mr. Pitt's racket.

How could I be with someone

that doesn't laugh?

It's like...

Well, it's like something.

Hello. Yeah, hi.

Is Miss Landis there, please?

What?

Gosh. Okay. She'll be in later?

Okay. Thank you.

This guy said she hurt her arm

playing tennis.

It's pretty bad.

Well, I heard a noise.

- What noise?

- You know:

What..?

From the bathroom.

- You think she was refunding?

- Every time we go out to eat...

...the minute we're done,

she's running for the bathroom.

- So you're concerned?

- Elaine, of course I'm concerned.

I'm paying for those meals.

It's like throwing money

down the toilet.

- In a manner of speaking.

- Right.

Let me digest it. Let me get my

money's worth. What would be good...

...is if there was someone else

in the bathroom that could tell me.

- Hey, here's your scrubber back, pal.

- Oh, thanks.

Hey, maybe I could bribe

one of those women...

...that hand out the towels

in the powder room.

- A matron?

- Yeah.

Well, I can't help you there.

- What?

- Nothing.

- You know a matron?

- Me?

- You.

- No.

- Kramer.

- Look. Just leave me alone.

- Well, what is it?

- Don't make me!

- What?

- No, I can't, all right? I can't.

- Who?

- My mother's a matron!

- Babs?

- Yeah, there. All right? I said it.

You satisfied?

Anything else you wanna know?

Kramer, Kramer, I need to know

if Nina is refunding.

- Look, George, I can't help you.

- Well, why not? Why not?

Let go. Because I haven't talked

to my mother in five years.

We just don't see eye to eye. I don't

even wanna get into my childhood.

I'm still carrying a lot of pain.

A lot of pain.

- Come on, you could really help me.

- I can't.

Kramer, you're gonna have to

face her sometime.

Hello?

Oh, my goodness.

What happened?

I tore my humeral epicondylitis.

The doctor said it may never

fully heal. I may never play again.

- You'll be playing...

- If I can't play tennis...

...I don't know what I'll do.

There are plenty of things you can do.

There's chess...

...and mahjong.

You don't know how lucky you are

to be healthy.

- And biking and...

- What am I going to do?

Could I..?

If I can't play tennis,

I have no reason to live.

You know, it's not important.

I'm gonna... Okay.

Well, you know, take care

of that condylitis.

Ma?

Cosmo.

Cosmo?

- Why didn't you just ask her for it?