Ladies and gentlemen, the driving force behind Catholicism WOW!, Cardinal Glick.
Now we all know how the majority...
and the media in this country...
view the Catholic church.
They think of us as a pass, archaic institution.
People find the Bible obtuse...
Now, in an effort to disprove all that...
the Church has appointed this year as a time of renewal...
both of faith and of style.
For example, the crucifix.
While it has been a time-honored symbol of our faith...
Holy Mother Church has decided to retire...
this highly recognizable...
yet wholy depressing image...
of our Lord, crucified.
Christ didnīt come to Earth to give us the willies.
He came to help us out.
He was a booster, and itīs with that take on our Lord in mind...
that weīve come up with a new, more inspiring Sigil.
So, it is with great pleasure that I present you with the first...
of many revamps the Catholicism Wow! campaign...
will unveil over the next year, I give you...
"The Buddy Christ."
Thatīs not the sanctioned term weīre using for the symbol.
Just something weīve been kicking around the office.
But look at it.
Doesnīt it pop?
Well, there you have it.
Let me get this straight.
You donīt believe in God because of Alice in Wonderland?
No, Through the Looking Glass.
That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter"...
thatīs an indictment of organized religion.
The Walrus, with his girth and his good nature...
he obviously represents either Buddha...
or with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha.
That takes care of your Eastern religions.
Now, the Carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ...
who was raised a carpenterīs son, he represents the Western religions.
Now, in the poem, what do they do?
They dupe all these oysters into following them...
and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse.
I donīt know what that says toyou, but to me it says...
that following these faiths based on mythological figures...
ensures the destruction ofoneīs inner-being.
Organized religion destroys who we are...
by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions...
out of fear of some intangible parent figure...
who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago...
and says, " Do it-- Do it and līll fuckinī spank you!"
The way you put it, līve never really thought about it like that before.
What have I been doing with my life?
- What am l? - Yeah, I know.
Listen, my advice to you...
you take this money that youīve been collecting for your parish...
go get yourself a nice dress, fix yourself up.
Find some man-- find some woman--you can connect with, even for a moment...
īcause thatīs really all life is, Sister-- a series of moments.
Why donīt you seize yours?
That a girl.
You know, hereīs what I donīt get about you.
You know for a fact that there is a God.
Youīve been in His presence. Heīs spoken to you personally.
- Yet I heard you claim to be atheist. - I like to f**k with the clergy, man.
I just love it. I love to keep those guys on their toes.
Hereīs what I donīt get about you.
Why do you feel the need to come to this place all the time?
My friend, because this is humanity at its best.
Look at them.
All that anger, all that mistrust, all that unhappiness...
forgotten for that one perfect moment when they get off the plane.
See those two?
What that guy doesnīt know is that the girl cheated on him while she was away.
- She did? - Twice.
- Nice. - But it doesnīt matter right now...
īcause theyīre just both so relieved to be with one another.
I like that.
I wish they all could feel that way more often.
Is this why I had to come down here and miss my f**king cartoons?
You call me, you tell me itīs important.
What, to share in your half-assed obsession with Hallmark moments?
Weīre going home.
Somebody sent us this in the mail.
Take it and quit leering at me. People will think I just broke up with you.
- You said weīre going home, didnīt you? - Read.
"Cardinal Glick Cuts Ribbon On Catholicism Wow! Campaign."
You have to keep reading.
"The rededication of St. Michaelīs Church..."
...is the kick off of a new campaign which seeks to bring...
Catholicism into the mainstream.
With a papal sanction, the arch way entrance...
of the century-old Jersey shore house of worship...
will serve as a passage way of plenary indulgence--
a little-known Catholic belief offering all that passes throug hits arches...
a morally cleans late.
For Sunday News Brief, līm Grant Hicks.
All I gotta do, I walk through the arch thing, and then I can go back home?
No. By walking through the archway, all your sins are forgiven.
- Then all we have to do is die. - Die? I donīt wanna die.
- You rather hang around here? - No. We donīt know if we can die.
But what if we can and then the arch thing doesnīt work?
What then, Hell? f**k that.
Itīs impossible. If we cut off our wings...
and transubstantiate to complete human form, we become mortal.
If we die with clean souls, thereīs no way they can keep us out.
We wonīt be angels anymore, but at least we get to go home.
- Who sent the paper? - Who cares who sent the paper?
All that matters is that after all these years, we found a loop hole.
He canīt keep us out anymore.
Once weīre back in, itīll be forgive and forget.
But this thing, this is Church law.
Itīs not Divine Mandate.
Church laws are fallible because theyīre created by man.
One of the last sacred promises imparted to Peter, the first pope...
by the Son of God before He left was...
- "Whatever you hold true on Earth--" - "līll hold true in Heaven."
Itīs dogmatic law. If the Church says itīs so, God must adhere.
This thing has a papal sanction--
Let it never be said your anal retentive attention to detail...
never yielded positive results.
You canīt be anal retentive ifyou donīt have an anus.
Thereīsjust one thing I think we gotta do before we leave.
This is gonna help us get back on His good side.
Here. Iīve been dreaming about this for five years. Read that.
" Mooby, the Golden Calf.
Creating an Empire Out of Simplicity.īī
I wanna hit īem.
You really are just a simple creature.
We finally find a way back and you want to jeopardize that...
because youīve got a soft spot for the good old days.
What betterway to repent than by resuming the position I once denied...
thanks to you?
I donīt think a killing spree is gonna make things better for us.
Killing spree? līm talking about Divine Justice here.
Iīm talking about reigning down fire and brimstone, punishing the wicked.
Heīs all about that. I know Heīd want this done.
There hasnīt been an Angel of Death sinceyou quit.
Doesnīt that mean anything to you?
And besides, what if youīre wrong, like you always are?
If iīm wrong-- which līm not-- itīs not gonna matter.
Weīre gonna pass through your arch thing anyway.
Weīre gonna be forgiven. No harm, no foul.
Well, He does hate competition. I will say that.
And your Mooby certainly falls under that heading.
Where is this church we have to go to?
New Jersey. Rededication ceremony is in four days.
Last four days on Earth?
Ifl had a d*ck, līd go get laid.
- We can do the next best thing. - Whatīs that?
Letīs kill people.
Oh, not you.
The greater Illinois Chapter of the Right to Life Foundation...
will be holding its biannual softball game...
against the Cook County...
Pro-Choice League next Sunday at 2:00.
Todayīs second collection will be donated...
to the John Doe Jersey Life Fund.
For those of you who havenīt been following the news...
an unidentified homeless man...
who was accosted and severely beaten at the NewJersey shore last Tuesday...
ies in critical, but stable condition in one of that areaīs hospitals.
He lacks identification...
and police have had no luck tracking down any possible family.
The archbishop ofthe Trenton diocese has disputed the stateīs decision...
to remove the indigent man from life-support systems...
asking that Catholics all over the country...
join in this protest against euthanasia.
Well, now please rise for the recession offaith.
We believe in one God, the FatherAlmighty...
Maker of Heaven and Earth.
WebelieveinJesus Christ, His only Son, Our Lord--
Youīre gonna burn in Hell, ya fuckinī baby killer!
Holy s**t. Itīs the pope.
- Huh? - Where?
What areyou talking about?
Jesus! Youīre a Catholic. Canītyou talk to them?
They hate me more than you, no doubt.
At least you have an excuse. Youīre Jewish. You donīt know any better.
We already used that excuse when we killed Christ.
Where were you yesterday? We went to brunch.
I went to church.
That still kills me, you and church.
If only they knew your weekly tithing came from a Planned Parenthood check.
I donīt know why I still go, Liz.
I can remember going to church when I was young and being moved.
Now I sit there every Sunday and I feel nothing.
I donīt think I have any faith left.
Remember that seminary student I tried to set you up with?
The 20-year-old. The one I could have baby-sat for in high school.
The point is, he told me something.
He said that faith is like a glass of water.
When youīreyoung, the glass is little, so itīs easy to fill.
As you get older, the glass gets bigger.
The same amount of liquid doesnīt fill it anymore.
But periodically the glass has to be refilled.
Youīre suggesting I need to get filled?
In more ways than one.
You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane. You need a man, if only for 10 minutes.
Itīs been my experience that the average male is never a man...
not even for ten minutes in his entire life span.
That sounds militant. Areyou thinking of joining the other side?
Couldnīt do it. Women are insane.
Then you need to go back to church and ask God for a third option.
I think God is dead.
The sign of a true Catholic.
Good afternoon, Mrs. Reynolds.
Iīm from the EPA.
Weīre checking on possible freon leaks.
Tell me, doyou have air conditioning?
Yes, we have central air.
In every room?
Except the bathroom. Why?
Well, you do know what that means, donītyou?
No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater...
than central air.
Pick that up.
This will be the base of operations from here on in.
Now, ifl remember the protocol correctly...
will attempt to contact the last scion.
I need you three...
to shuffle her loose the mortal coil.
Behold the Metatron!
Herald ofthe Almighty and voice ofthe one true God!
Behold the Metatron!
Herald ofthe Almighty and voice ofthe one true God!
Sweet Jesus! Doyou have to use the whole can?
Who the f**k areyou and what the f**k areyou doing in my room?
Iīm the one thatīs soaked and sheīs the one thatīs surly. Thatīs rich.
Get the f**k out of here, now!
Or youīll do what exactly?
Hit me with that fish?
Now,just sit down on the bed and shut up.
Look at my suit.
Just take whatever you want, but donīt kill or rape me.
Give over! I couldnīt rape you ifl wanted to. Angels are il-equipped.
Iīm as anatomically-impaired as a Ken doll.
Make yourself useful and give me that towel.
You bottom-feeders and your arrogance.
You think everybodyīsjust trying to get in your knickers.
What are you?
Iīm pissed off is what I am.
Do you drench everyone who comes in your room with flame-retardant chemicals?
No wonder youīre single.
As I was sayinī...
prior toyour fire-fighting episode...
I am the Metatron.
Donīt tell me the name doesnīt ring a bell?
If there isnīt a movie about it, itīs not worth knowing, is it?
I am a seraphim.
The highest choir ofangels.
You do know what an angel is, donītyou?
Metatron acts as the voice of God.
Any documented occasion when some yahoo claims that God has spoken to them...
theyīre speaking to me.
Or theyīre talking to themselves.
Why doesnīt God speak for Himself?
Glad you decided tojoin the conversation. To answer that...
human beings have neither the aural, nor the psychological capacity...
to with stand the awesome power ofGodīs true voice.
Wereyou to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode.
We went through five Adams before we figured that one out.
Well, how do I know youīre an angel?
Aside from the fiery entrance and the expansive wing span?
You want more proof?
How about tequila?
-Where the hell are we? -Only place you can go for good tequila.
Dos tequilas, por favor, and an empty glass.
Weīre in Mexico?
Actually, weīre in a franchised Mexican family eatery...
down the street from your apartment, but...
itīs impressive nonetheless.
You donīt mind I lost the wings, doyou? līm trying to keep our profile low.
What do you want with me?
I am to charge you with a holy crusade.
For the record, I work in an abortion clinic.
Noah was a drunk. Lookwhat he accomplished.
And no oneīs asking you to build an ark. All you gotta do is go to New Jersey...
and visit a small church on a very important day.
That doesnīt sound like much of a crusade.
Aside from the fine print, thatīs it.
Whatīs the fine print?
Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence.
Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.
Stop a couple of angels from entering...
and thus negating all existence.
I hate it when people need it spelled out for them.
You might want to clarify that.
Back in the old days, God was vengeful and hot-tempered.
And His wrath was bore...
by the Angel of Death, name of Loki.
When Sodom and Gomorrah was destroyed...
that was Loki.
When the waters wiped out everything except Noah and his menagerie...
that was Loki-- and he was good at what he did.
But one day...
he refused to bear Godīs wrath any longer.
- Why? - He listened to his friend...
a Grigori by the name of Bartleby.
One ofthe choirs of angels. Theyīre called Watchers.
Guess what they do.
So one day, Lokiīs wiping out all the first born of Egypt--
The Tenth Plague.
Tell a person that youīre the Metatron and they stare at you blankly.
Mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie...
and suddenly everybodyīs a theology scholar.
May I continue uninterrupted?
Once heīs done with the first born...
Loki takes his friend Bartleby out for a post-slaughter drink.
And over many rounds...
they get into this discussion about...
whether or not murder in the name of God is okay.
And in the end...
Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position...
and take one which doesnīt involve slaughter.
Loki tells God he quits...
throws down his fiery sword...
and gives Him the finger.
Which ruins it for the rest of us because from that day forward...
God decreed that angels could no longer imbibe alcohol.
Hence all the spitting.
So, for their insolence...
God decreed that neither Loki nor Bartleby...
would ever be allowed back into Paradise.
- Were they sent to Hell? - Worse.
for the entire span of human history.
And when the world ends, theyīll have to sit outside the gates for all eternity.
And this has what to do with me?
Someone has clued them in to a loop hole in Catholic dogma...
that would allow them to reenter Heaven.
So what? They beat the system. Good for them.
Itīs not that simple.
If they get in, they will have reversed Godīs decree.
Now listen closely because this bitīs very important.
Existence in all its form and splendor...
function solely on one principle--
God is infallible.
To prove Him wrong...
would undo reality and everything that is.
Up would become down, blackwould become white.
Existence would become nothingness.
if theyīre allowed to enter that church...
theyīll unmake the world.
If this is so major, why are you talking to me?
- Why doesnīt God do something about it? - He could.
But Heīd rather see you take care of this one personally.
Because of who you are.
And who am l?
The girl in the pjīs!
Donīt ask so many questions. Just serve your purpose.
Iīm gonna have to pass.
I beg your pardon?
When some quiet little infection destroyed my uterus, where was God?
When my husband decided...
he couldnīt be with a wife who couldnīt bear his children...
where was God?
To Hell with Him.
Donīt allow eons of history and life to get blinked out of being...
just because youīve got a grudge against your Creator.
So you lost the ability to make life.
Youīre being offered the chance to play mother to the world...
by acting like one and protecting it--
But I canīt makeyou.
However, ifyou should decide to stop being selfish...
and accept your responsibility...
you wonīt be alone.
Youīll have support.
What? More angels?
In a manner of speaking. Two ofīem.
The one who speaks...
and he will, at great length, whether you want him to or not...
will make mention of himself as a prophet.
The other one...
well, heīs the quiet type.
Look, līve gotta go.
Remember, weīre working in a time frame here.
Whatīs He like?
Heīs got a great sense ofhumor.
Take sex, for example. Thereīs nothing funnier...
than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus.
Sex is a joke in Heaven?
The way I understand it, itīs mostly a joke down here too.
Iīll see ya.
Snootch to the motherfucking nootch!
Go back to your paper routes, you Mighty Duck f**ks!
Snoogans. Did you see that s**t, man?
I know they were just kids, but we kicked their f**king pube-less asses!
I donīt know what to say or think, except--
That youīll offer us sex as a reward?
That līd like to know who they and you are.
Iīm Jay, and this is my hetero life mate, Silent Bob.
I donīt know who those kids were, but they would have kicked yours...
and Lunchboxīs asses ifl hadnīt represented.
Thanks for being out here so late.
Wait a minute. Are you protestors?
You mean those d*ck heads with the signs and pictures of dead babies?
s**t no! Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice.
A womanīs body is her own f**king business.
But what are you doing hanging around?
Weīre here to pick up chicks.
We figure abortion clinics are a good place to meet loose women.
Why else would they be here unless they like to f**k?
Well, I should be going. Thanks for the rescue.
- I think. - Wait a second.
We just saved your a**, and youīrejust gonna take off.
What the s**t is that?
I had a weird night last night and tonightīs not shaping up to be better.
I think I should go home, take some Perco sets and lay down.
Now how about that s**t? f**k this town, man!
Iīm goinī back to Jersey and startinī up the business again.
I can kick the s**t out of kids in Red Bank and make myself a profit.
Prophets. Two ofīem.
- You know what līm sayinī, Silent Bob? - You gotta be kidding me.
We call this piece "The Fecalator."
One look at it and the target s**ts him or herself.
Try it on.
Itīs a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but not nearly as impressive.
It doesnīt have that "Wrath ofthe Almighty" edge to it.
How am I supposed to strike fear into hearts ofthe wicked with this thing?
Look at this.
Well, then, you know, donīt use a gun. Lay the place to waste like.
Easy foryou to say. You get off light in a razing.
You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah.
I had to do all the work.
What work did you do? You lit a few fires.
I rained down sulfur. Thereīs a subtle difference.
Okay, līm sure.
Fuckyou. Any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire.
Raining down sulfur is like an endurance trial.
Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in...
next to soccer.
Iīll take this one.
So, whatīs up? You have a friend for Silent Bob, or areyou gonna do us both?
Ifso, līm first. I hate sloppy seconds.
Youīre a man of principle.
Jerseyīs pretty far from McHenry. May I ask what brought you here?
Some f**k named John Hughes.
Sixteen Candles John Hughes?
You know that guy too? That fuckinī guy.
He made this flick Sixteen Candles. Not bad.
Thereīs tits in it, but no bush.
But Ebert over here donīt give a s**t about that kind of thing...
because heīs like in love with this John Hughes guy.
He goes out and rents every one of his movies.
Fuckinī Breakfast Club, where stupid kids actually show up for detention.
Fuckinī WeirdScience, where this babe wants to undress and get down...
but, oh, no, she donīt, because itīs a PG movie.
And then Prettyin Pink, which I canīt watch with this tubby b*tch anymore...
because when the redhead hooks up with her dream guy...
he starts sobbinī like a little b*tch with a skinned knee and s**t.
And thereīs nothing worse than watchinī a fuckinī fat man weep.
What exactly brought you to Illinois?
All these movies take place in this small town called Shermer, Illinois...
where all the honeys are top-shelf but all the dudes are whiny p*s*ies.
Except for Judd Nelson. He was fuckinī harsh.
But best of all...
there was no one dealinī, man.
Then it hits me. We could live like phat rats...
if we were the blunt connection in Shermer, Illinois.
So we collected some money we were owed and caught a bus.
But you know what the f**k we found out when we got there?
There is no Shermer, Illinois.
Movies are fuckinī bulls**t.
- When are you going back to NewJersey? - This broad asks a lot ofquestions.
- Tomorrow. - Tomorrow.
Yeah. So you do anal?
Is it true that chicks fart if you blast them in the a**?
I didnīt ask you out for sex.
Iīll take head.
This is gonna sound really bad. I canīt believe līm even thinking about this.
I think I should go with you.
Like steady? You wanna be my girlfriend?
All right, but Silent Bob gets to live with us and you pay the rent.
No. I wanna go with you to NewJersey.
Youīre going to lead me somewhere.
Me lead you?
Lady, look at me. I donīt even know where I am half the time.
If weīre not gonna f**k, then what the f**k did you ask us out for?
Someone told me līd meet you and youīd take me someplace I was supposed to go.
What the hell are you babbling about?
We saved your a** from some angry fuckinī dwarves...
and now weīre supposed to take you somewhere as if we know where it is?
Do you believe in God?
Holy f**k! All the fine, immoral bitches out in front of that place...
and we gotta get the oneJesus freak?
- Letīs get the f**k out ofhere. - Wait.
- Iīll scream rape. - I can payyou.
A hundred bucks for being my guide.
You were going toJersey anyway. All līm asking is to tag along.
I feel like Han Solo, youīre Chewie, and sheīs Ben Kenobi...
and weīre in that fucked-up bar!
What about sex?
Letīs say weīre caught in a situation where we have five minutes left to live.
A bomb or somethingīs gonna go off. Would you f**k us then?
In that highly unlikely situation?
Sheīs a slut.
But I get to drive.
What gear are you in?
What do I know about shiftinī?
Like I ever drove before.
Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania...
Maybe youīre wrong about this slaughter thing.
How can you be sure what incurs the Lordīs wrath these days? Times change.
I remember eating meat on a Friday used to be a Hell-worthy trespass.
The major sins never change.
Besides, I can spot a commandment-breaker from a mile away.
Bet on it.
This from the guy who still owes me ten bucks over that bet...
about which was gonna be the bigger movie-- ET or Krush Groove.
f**k you, man, īcause timeīs gonna tell on that one.
Are you insinuating that I donīt have what it takes anymore?
Flat-out telling you.
Right there. Thereīs one.
So? Theyīre kissing.
- Adultery? - Adultery.
You are just a simple creature.
- Am I right? - I happen to know the truth.
Iīm not gonna tell you. I want to see how boned up on the job you are.
- Whatīs your proof? - Heīs wearing a wedding band.
And it never occurred toyou that maybe sheīs his wife?
No married man kisses his wife like that.
Okay. Itīs a good thing you were never...
the deciding member on ajury is all līm saying.
" No married man kisses his wife like that"? Are you stoned?
Are you married?
Iīm just curious.
What do you think?
- What? - To her?
- What? - Areyou married to her?
Not that itīs any of your f**king business, but no.
Whosehouse Say what
Runīshouse Say what
Sheīs fuckinī pissed, dude. Sheīs never gonna f**k us now.
Maybe you, but definitely not me.
Let me know how she is.
Nobody is f**king me! You got that?
I donīt know what I was thinking in that diner...
but being that līve decided to go home, and not to NewJersey...
sorry for the inconvenience and good-bye.
Youīre breaking up with us?
Who the hell do you think you are, lady?
You canīt just go around breaking peopleīs hearts like that!
I fell in love with you! We fell in love with you!
Guys like us just donīt fall out ofthe fuckinī sky.
Beautiful, naked, big-tittied women just donīt fall out of the sky.
Think someone threw him out of a plane with a message written on him...
Iike in ConAir?
- Did you ever see that flick? - Oh, did that suck!
- ConAir? Con s**t. - Kill it!
- Sounds familiar. -Jesus, are you okay?
Yeah, itīs Rufus. And yeah, līm fine.
Heīs the f**king undead! Cut his head off!.
What I just did gave me a f**king migraine!
So if you donīt pipe down, līm gonna yank your sac off like a paper towel.
Speaking of which, youīre awfully nude.
- Rufus, is it? - Yes, Rufus it is.
Itīs usually Long Rufus, but itīs a little cold out here. You understand?
Big Papa, how about lending a brother your coat till I find my own threads?
Dude, he fell out of thin air.
Dude, his piece is gonna be rubbing inside ofyour armor.
- Dude! - Thanks a lot, baby.
Iīll do my best to tuck it back.
Itīs been a while since physics but I would think...
the impact with which you hit the asphalt would have liquefied you.
Death is a worry of the living.
The dead, like myself, only worry about decay and necrophiliacs.
- Told you he was the undead. - Not the undead. The dead.
Christ told me the secret to the resurrection once.
We were at this wedding in Caanan. I got drunk and forgot it.
Wait, wait, wait.
You knew Christ?
Knew him? s**t, nigga owes me 12 bucks.
Let me guess.
- Youīre another angel? - Oh, I ainīt no angel.
Iīm a man,just like you and him. Well, maybe not him.
At least I was a man.
Been dead nearly 2,000 years. Here, check this out.
No wonder he saw Jesus. Homeyīs rockinī the ganj.
Itīs not a joint.
I canīt read this.
Itīs Aramaic. It says, " Rufus, seeyou in twoyears.Jesus."
Freaked me out because He basically told me when my number was up.
Took all the flavor out of the remaining years. We gotta get moving.
Letīs saywe continue this discussion over a two-piece and a biscuit. Come on.
Iīm starvinī. Back off, Kato.
Wait a second!
Between guys with wings, guys falling out of the sky...
and guys trying like hell to f**k me...
I think līve been a pretty good sport about all this so far.
But līm not going anywhere until I find out where the hell you came from.
Me? I came from Heaven.
Now letīs start walkinī.
Walk? f**k you! Do you know how far we are from anywheres?
Hey, man, back in the old days withJ.C., we used to walk everywhere.
Did you ever hear of a fat apostle?
What the hellīs an apostle?
Let me get this straight.
Sheīs already met the prophets...
and the apostleīs with them?
I think that our best course of action...
is to ensure that our parcel is not found.
And being that I canīt even trust you enough to kill a woman...
well, līm left with no choice...
but to seek outside assistance in guarding said package.
Iīm gonna have to summon the Golgothan.
I appreciate the loan, brother. You can have that back.
Man, I remember when all we used to have for breakfast was fish and goatīs milk.
- What doyou call this s**t? - Egga Mooby Muffin.
Now, how ībout you start explaining some things, like for starters...
how did you know where to find us?
Do you know what the dead do with most of their time?
Watch the living. Especially in the shower.
I canīt wait to die.
And why areyou watching me?
Because youīre the one whoīs gonna help me get some changes made...
in that book you put so much stock in.
- Hustler? - The Bible!
- Whatīs your beefwith the Bible? - For starters, līm not in it.
Neither are any of us, but you donīt hear us bitchinī and moaninī.
But līm supposed to be in it. I was the 13th Apostle.
Iīve gone to church my whole life and never heard of Rufus, the 13th Apostle.
But you heard of the other 12 Apostles.
They were all white boys, I might add. But no mention of me, Rufus.
And why is that? īCause līm a black man.
Butyou know what? Thatīs just my pet peeve.
Iīm mainly here to correct a major error youīve been basing your faith on.
- Whatīs that? -Jesus wasnīt white.Jesus was black.
I donīt buy it.
If thatīs true, why did He get written about and you were left out?
Well, He is the Son ofGod.
Kind of hard to have a New Testament without him.
So you fudge a few facts, you put a spin on his ethnicity.
Leaving me out is okay īcause you still got 1 2 white boys to choose from.
- Areyou gonna listen to this s**t? - Thatīs what people of Antioch said...
right before they stoned my a**.
You were martyred?
Thatīs one way of puttinī it.
Anotherway is to say I was bludgeoned to s**t by big f**king rocks.
White folks only wanna hear the good s**t--
Iife eternal, a place in Godīs Heaven.
But as soon as you hear that youīre gettinī this good s**t...
from a black Jesus, ya freak.
And that, my friends, is called hypocrisy.
A black man can steal your stereo, but he canīt beyour savior.
You gonna eat that hash brown?
So, you went to Heaven?
Damn right I went to Heaven! Thatīs the least He could do.
In the three years I followed His a** around Jerusalem, did I ever get laid?
Hell no. And I was in my prime.
I could have been knee-deep in shepherdsī daughters...
not to mention fine-a** Mary Magdalene.
She had a thing for dark meat, if you follow me.
Maybe this is just me talking, but ifl were in Heaven...
I wouldnīt care what the Bible said as long as they got the message right.
The message is what counts.
But folks who build their faith on that message should be color blind.
And all my rabble-rousing is not doing that much above.
So līm gonna need some help down here.
Thatīs why līm gonna help you stop those angels from gettinī into that church...
in exchange foryou helping me with my campaign.
How do you know about that, the angels?
- Isnīt much I donīt know about you. - I find that hard to believe.
When you were five, you let a kid from next door piss on your hand.
You did that s**t? Youīre nasty.
I never told anybody about that.
Neither did he.
Two years later, that kid died of leukemia.
His name was Brian Johnson.
Your exploits, no matter how inane...
are well documented in Heaven.
Probably Hell too.
Where are you going?
Tell me somethinī about me.
You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.
f**k. Everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.
When you do it, youīre thinking about guys.
- Dude, not all the time. - Sorry ifl scared you.
Two-thirds ofme wants to forget about this and go home.
Yesterday, I wasnīt sure God even existed.
Now līm up to my a** in Christian mythology.
Let me let you in on a little inside info.
God hates it when itīs referred to as "mythology."
Oh, well, then letīs ask the "prophets" what we should call it instead.
Where did those two a**holes go?
What are you doing?
Proving to this bastard I ainīt gay.
- What? - Long story. Forget it.
We gotta get movinī. How can we get to Jersey?
Weīll take the train. Iīll call for reservations.
I thought she looked familiar.
- Who? - Serendipity.
- Has anyone seen the overnights? - No, sir.
We creamed īem.
Last night was a rerun, which says to me--
Do I smell onions?
May I ask what youīre doing in my boardroom?
You may proceed, monami.
Iīm gonna have to start by apologizing.
My friend has a bit of a penchant for the dramatic.
Oh, come on!
Relax. Iīm doing it.
Mooby, the Golden Calf.
Created by Nancy Goldruff, a former kindergarten teacher in 1 989.
Bought by the Complex Corporation in 1 991 .
Broadcast nationally as the " Mooby Fun-Time Hour."
Since its inception, has spawned two theatrical films...
16 records, 8 prime-time specials...
and a library of priced-to-own videocassettes.
Not to mention bicoastal theme parks...
dubbed " Mooby World."
Did I miss anything?
You forgot Mooby Magazine.
Is there a point to this?
You and your board are idolaters.
I canīt believe you forgot the magazine.
Doyou know much about voodoo?
Thatīs a fascinating practice. No real doctrine of faith to speak of.
More an arrangement of superstitions...
the most well-known ofwhich...
is the voodoo doll.
a mockup ofan individual is subjected...
to various pokes and prods.
The desired result is that the individual will feel those effects.
Call security, now!
All lines are currently down.
- Iīm gonna have to apologize-- - Would you knock it off?
Youīre doing it again. Stop. What did we talk about?
You are responsible for raising an icon...
which draws worship from the Lord.
You have broken the First Commandment.
More than that, līm afraid not a one ofyou...
passes for a decent human being.
Your continued existence is a mockery ofmorality.
Like you, Mr. Burton.
Last year, you cheated on yourwife of 1 7 years 8 times.
You even had sex with her best friend...
while you were supposed to be home watching the kids.
In the bed thatyou and your wife share, no less.
You gotyour girlfriend drunk at lastyearīs Christmas party...
and then paid a kid from the mail room...
to have sex with her while she was passed out...
just so you could break up with her guilt-free...
when she sobbingly confessed in the morning.
She killed herself three months later.
Mr. Brace disowned his gay son.
Mr. Ray put his mother in a third-rate nursing home...
and used the profits from the sale ofher home...
to buy an Oriental rug for himself.
Mr. Barker flew to Thailand on the company account...
to have sex with an eleven-year-old boy.
Mr. Holtzman okayed the production of Mooby Dolls...
from materials he knew to be toxic and unsafe...
because it was-- survey says--
You, on the other hand...
are an innocent.
You lead a good life.
Good for you.
But you, Mr. Whitland...
you have more skeletons in your closet...
than this assembled party.
I cannot even mention them aloud.
Youīre his father, you sick f**k!
- Good. - Not bad, man.
Thatīs great work. Very good.
alone at last.
With the exception of Miss Pryce here...
there isnīt a decent human being amongst you.
Doyou know what makes a human being decent?
And therein lies the problem.
None of you has anything left to fear anymore.
You rest comfortably in seats of inscrutable power...
hiding behind your false idol, far from judgment...
ives shrouded in secrecy, even from one another.
But not from God.
Forgot my little voodoo doll.
Man, it really looks just likeyou, doesnīt it?
Look, if i believed enough in this...
Come on. I donīt believe in voodoo.
But I do believe in this.
Donīt run! Donīt run!
Fakes! Fakes! All of you, fakes!
" But I do believe in this."
What does that mean?
And one to grow on.
Go on. Itīs okay.
Youīve done nothing wrong.
These guys were fakes.
Youīre a pure soul.
Butyou didnīt say "God bless you" when I sneezed.
Youīre getting off light.
- Loki! - I know. Iīm cominī.
Youīre so lucky.
I forgot you were down here. How long now?
Three years this August.
Let me guess-- the 1 4th Apostle, left out ofthe Bible because sheīs a woman?
This girlīs no woman.
Oh. Those werenīt tits I saw Jay cozying up to?
You should know better than anyone here that tits donīt make a woman.
Hell, the tubby, coat-wearing motherfuckerīs got tits.
What traditionally defines a woman falls between two things--
But as you can see...
I lack definition.
Hey, theyīre gettinī a free show! Let me see that s**t!
Oh, God, another angel like Metatron.
How doyou-- How does she know Metatron?
This is the last scion.
Bethany, Serendipity here isnīt technically an angel.
Nor is she, by any means, a human being like I was and you are.
- I used to be an abstract. - Now līm really confused.
Iīm a muse, stupid.
I canīt take much more ofthis.
So you, what, inspire people?
Whatjust went down with your friends over there--
It doesnīt really take a muse to inspire horny retards to empty their wallets.
I used to specialize in entertainment.
For example, līm responsible for 1 9 of the 20 top-grossing films ofall time.
- Nineteen? - Yeah.
The one about the kid by himselfin his house...
burglars trying to come in and he fights them off--
I had nothing to do with that one.
Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of s**t.
What are you doing stripping?
Remember why I left?
Because you were tired of getting none of the credit for your ideas.
So I opted to quit being a muse and write for myself.
I gave my two weeks notice, got a body, 50 bucks...
and got sent out into the world to make my fortune.
So what happened?
Can you believe it? Me, a muse, for Godīs sake.
I can inspire anyone I meet and give out a zillion and nine ideas a second...
but I canīt keep any for myself.
Her quirky sense ofhumor.
- Whose? - Godīs.
- Youīre saying Godīs a woman? - Was there ever a doubt in your mind?
Heīs always referred to as " Him."
Thatīs not how I wrote it.
But one of the drawbacks to being intangible...
is that you have no say in the editorial process.
The people that held the pens added their own perspective...
and all the penholders were men.
So She became a He. Doesnīt stop with God either.
The whole bookīs gender-biased.
A womanīs responsible for original sin.
A woman cuts Samson coif of power.
A woman asks for the head ofJohn the Baptist.
Read that book again.
Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined.
Why is the last scion here?
Bartleby and Loki. They found a way back.
- Not the plenary indulgence loop hole. - You know about that?
I always knew that thing was a bad idea.
Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence.
You have issues with Catholicism, I take it?
I have issues with anyone who treats God like a burden instead of a blessing...
Iike some Catholics.
You people donīt celebrate your faith, you mourn it.
-If weīre wrong, what religion is right? -Itīs not about whoīs right orwrong.
No denominationīs nailed it yet...
because theyīre all too self-righteous to realize...
that it doesnīt matter what you have faith in,just that you have faith.
Your hearts are in the right place, butyour brains gotta wake up.
They made me and Silent Bob part ofthe gang.
Who fuckinī farted?
Not born. s**t into existence.
Sweet Christ, somebody wants you bad!
- What is that thing? - An excremental.
- The Golgothan. - A what?
A s**t demon!
No man of woman born!
- Friend of yours? - Is this smelly f**k with us?
It came for Bethany!
Smoke that motherfucker like it ainīt no thang!
I knew līs gonna whack somebody today!
Get your fuckinī hand back.
Go! Go! Go!
Looks like weīre in charge of the gang now.
Over the bar!
- Where did that thing come from? - Ever heard of Golgotha?
The hill where Christ was crucified.
It wasnītjust Christ. The Romans crucified everyone there.
Christ excluded, theywere criminals-- killers, brigands, thieves, rapists.
Whenever the crucified expired, their bodies lost muscle control...
spilling bowel and bladder in the process...
the result of which is that walking pile ofcrap--
the Golgothan s**t demon, Hellīs chief assassin.
Itīs here for you, girlie.
- Bob, get down! - Matches! Matches!
- Hey, man. - How?
" Knocks strong odors out."
- Way to go, biggie. - Why would you ever carry this?
Whoever sent this might send more.
I suggestyou take the princess and get as far away as possible.
Iīll try to get something out of poopy boy here.
If he tells me something, līll let you know.
Hello. Weīd like two tickets to NewJersey, please.
Jerseyīs sold out, sir.
- What? - Thereīs one at the same time tomorrow.
Donīt underestimate the staggering drawing power of the Garden State.
Show up two hours in advance.
Your hard-on for smiting has prevented us from negotiating...
what ought to be the relatively simple matter of catching or staying on a bus.
Why should we fall victim to gravity when we can just as easily rise above?
- You mean fly? - We got wings, right?
f**k, letīs use īem!
I wouldnīt suggest that.
You see, kids...
you wouldnīt want to look like a couple of fairies, now, would you?
Howīd you get out of Hell?
I told them I was coming up on a routine possession.
I donīt have much time. If they figure out my ruse, theyīll come after me.
-Whatīs with bringing us in here? -You two are inches from getting caught.
Going around killing people, about to uncase your wings.
Donītyou know whatīs going on?
Well, weīre going home.
Really. Are you so clueless as to think you can just waltz back into Heaven?
- Why not? - Everybody is looking for you.
Both sides. Above and below.
Orders are to terminate you on sight.
- Really? - Why?
Because youīre pissing people off, thatīs why.
Word is that Godīs pissed off at your presumption...
and I know Luciferīs pissed because you a**holes might make him look bad...
by succeeding where heīs failed so many times.
- So theyīrejust gonna kill us? - Theyīre gonna try.
Thatīs why you have to travel incognito.
Tone down your behavior. Stay off their respective radars.
Quit killing people. Thatīs high profile.
- Oh, lighten up. - I canīt believe they wanna kill us.
Oh, believe it, boys.
Theyīve even got the last scion looking foryou.
- Really? - Youīre kidding.
This is huge. Your reentry is a thorn in a lot of sides.
Theyīll stop at nothing to prevent it.
In the meantime, I suggest you find an alternate mode of transportation.
If anything else comes up, līll contact you.
Thankyou, Azrael. Youīre a true friend.
I have to get back to the pit before they get suspicious.
And remember, incognito.
Howyou coping, kid?
Just when I think I have a handle on things...
something wholly unbelievable presents itself.
Sometimes I wish iīd just stayed home.
You sound like the Man.
Whatīs he like?
He likes to listen to people talk.
Christ loved to sit around the fire, listen to me and the other guys.
Whenever we were going on about unimportant s**t...
he always had a smile on his face.
His only real beefwith mankind...
is the s**t that gets carried out in His name.
Wars, bigotry, televangelism.
The big one, though, is the factioning of all the religions.
He said mankind got it all wrong...
by taking a good idea and building a belief structure on it.
Youīre saying having beliefs is a bad thing?
I just think itīs better to have ideas.
You can change an idea. Changing a beliefis trickier.
People die for it. People kill for it.
The whole of existence is injeopardy right now...
because ofthe Catholic belief structure regarding this plenary indulgence s**t.
Bartleby and Loki, whether they know it or not...
are exploiting that belief...
and if theyīre successful...
you, me, all of this ends in a heartbeat.
All over a belief.
I havenīt seen the moron twins in a while. How aboutyou?
One time we were at the mall, we tied Tubby to the ceiling...
and he went flying through the air, fuckinī crashed through the wall.
It was fucked up.
You two arenīt getting into any trouble, areyou?
Weīre just about to smoke a fatty with these two suave motherfuckers...
who just got on at the last stop-- Larry and Barry.
So,Jay tells us youīre gonna sleep with him.
Hit this s**t, man. Itīs good stuff.
Thatīs some bad s**t, dude.
You hit that?
Yeah, youīre bad, dude.
Why areyou heading to NewJersey?
Itīs just this thing I have to do.
Weīre going home.
Oh. Doyou two live together?
So, how long haveyou two been together?
He can be pretty flaky sometimes, but we have a lot in common.
Howīd you meet?
We were stationed together.
See, thatīs beautiful.
Everybodyīs always up in arms about this "out in the military" issue.
You know, thereīs all the macho bulls**t about it being "this manīs army."
You two meet there, hook up--
You think weīre lovers? No, no. Weīre not gay.
Oh, God. Iīm sorry.
- I just assumed. - Do I come offas gay?
My ex-husband sort ofscrewed up my relationship awareness barometer.
- Youīre divorced. - Thatīs a nice way ofputting it.
I call it being dumped.
Donītyoujust constantly question yourvalue?
Like, why was I so easy to cast aside?
And you wonder ifthe other party is gonna come to their senses...
and call you back.
They always tell you itīll hurt less with time.
it hurts more.
You know what we need?
What do we need?
We need drinks.
We need a lot ofdrinks.
You still go to church?
Does it do anything for you?
It gives me time to balance my checkbook everyweek.
Thatīs what līm saying. People donīt go to church to feel spiritual anymore.
They go to church and feel bored...
but they keep going everyweek just out ofhabit.
I am so buzzed.
When doyou think you lostyour faith?
I remember the exact moment.
I was on the phone with my mother...
and she was trying to counsel me through this--
And when nothing she was saying was making me feel any better...
God has a plan.īī
I was-- I was so angrywith her.
I was like...
"What about my plans?"
- You know? - Mm-hmm.
I had planned to have a family...
with my husband.
Wasnīt that plan good enough for God?
How aboutyou? Howīd you lose your faith?
A long time ago.
One day Godjust stopped listening.
I kept talking, but I got the distinct impression He wasnīt listening anymore.
How did you know She was listening in the first place?
Well, I guess I donīt.
I hate thoughts like that.
But, you know, they come to you with age.
īCause when youīre a kid you never question the whole faith thing.
Godīs in Heaven, and Heīs--
Sheīs always got her eye on you.
Iīd give anything to feel that way again.
Guess thatīs why I got talked into this pilgrimage.
Where is this pilgrimage to?
- You wouldnīt believe me ifl told you. - Try me.
All right, but I warned you.
Iīm going to this church in NewJersey.
Kerwood Mandel to carthree. Kerwood Mandel to carthree.
See, līm supposed to stop a couple of angels...
from going into the church.
Theyīre trying to get back into Heaven.
See, they got tossed out of Heaven...
years ago, right?
And ifthey get back in...
it proves God wrong...
and since God is infallible...
to prove Herwrong...
would, you know, unmake existence.
May i have your attention, please.
The diningcar willbe closing in five minutes. Thank you.
I feel so stupid...
just saying it.
The thing I donīt get is...
how am I supposed to stop an angel?
I guess līm supposed to talk them out ofit or something.
Maybe youīre supposed to kill them.
Oh, yeah, right. Kill them.
I mean, even ifthat were the case, which itīs not...
how doyou kill an angel, Barry?
I donīt suppose itīs much different from...
killing a human.
Where is everybody? I wake up and--
- The apostle. - Holy s**t!
Rufus, I want you to meet my new friend Barry.
Donīt be such a show-off, Barry.
Take it easy, Bartleby. Just let her go.
- We can talk about this. - Bartleby?
After all this time, it comes down to slaughter by a meat puppet?
Getyour f**king hands offme, you dickless son of a b*tch!
Save it. Five minutes ago you were aching to top me off.
Holy s**t. The apostle.
I didnīt come in you, Pete, I swear.
What are you doing here?
This woman has to stop two angels from entering a church.
- Us? - No, two other f**king angels.
Iīd say thereīs a pretty good chance. Rufus, weīre to be liquidated?
You havenīt thought about the consequences of your reentry.
Weīre going home, no matterwhose pride it may hurt.
- Itīs not a matter ofpride! - Loki, kill the girl.
What areyou, high? I canīt kill her ifshe hasnīt done anything.
Fine. Iīll kill her myself.
I fall asleep and everyone takes off?
- These guys are fuckinī flat-leavers. - Shut his mouth.
The door! The door!
Canīt we talk about this?
Why donīt I just get off at the next stop!
- The apostle is here. - I noticed.
- Then you know who she was, donītyou? - The scion, I imagine!
Maybe we should rethink this whole thing.
I mean, you heard the guy. He said there are consequences.
And Azrael tells us weīre marked? Thereīs more to this than we thought of.
I was close.
You know? I was so close to slitting that b*tchīs throat.
You know how I felt? Righteous.
Justified. Eager, even.
You all right? Your eyes are kinda--
My eyes are open.
For the first time I get it.
When that little innocent girl let her mission slip, I had an epiphany.
See, in the beginning it was just us and Him-- angels and God.
Then He created humans.
Ours was designed to be a life of servitude and worship...
and bowing and scraping and adoration.
He gave them more than He ever gave us. He gave them a choice.
They choose to acknowledge God or choose to ignore Him.
All this time weīve been down here...
Iīve felt the absence ofthe Divine Presence...
and itīs pained me, as līm sure it must have pained you.
And why? Because ofthe way He made us.
Had we been given free will we could choose to ignore the pain, like they do.
But no, weīre servants.
All līm saying here is that one ofus might need a little nap.
Wake up! These humans have besmirched everything Heīs bestowed upon them.
Theywere given paradise; they threw it away.
Theywere given this planet; they destroyed it.
Theywere favored best among all His endeavors...
and some of them donīt even believe He exists!
And in spite ofit all...
He has shown them infinite f**king patience...
at every turn.
What about us?
I asked you once...
to lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them.
What was the result?
Our expulsion from paradise.
Where was His infinite f**king patience then?
Itīs not right! ltīs not fair!
Weīve paid our debt!
Donītyou think itīs time?
Donītyou think itīs time we went home?
And to do that, I thinkwe may have to dispatch our would-be dispatchers.
Wait. Wait, wait. Kill them?
Youīre talking about the last scion, for Christīs sake.
And what aboutJay and Bob? Those guys were all right.
Donīt. Donīt, my friend.
Donīt letyour sympathies get the best of you.
They did me once.
Scion or not...
sheīsjust a human...
and by passing through that arch our sins are forgiven.
No harm, no foul.
My God. Iīve heard a rant like this before.
What did you say?
- Iīve heard a rant like this before. - Donītyou do that to me.
- You sound like the morning star. - You shutyour f**king face!
You sound like Lucifer, man! Youīve f**king lost it!
Youīre not talking about going home, Bartleby.
Youīre talking about f**king war on God.
Well, f**k that.
I have seen what happens to the proud when they take on the Throne.
Iīm going back to Wisconsin.
Weīre going home, Loki...
and no one, notyou, not even the Almighty Himself...
is gonna make that otherwise.
Why couldnīt we stay on the train? You threw those guys off.
Very basic strategy.
If your enemies know whereyou are, then donīt be there.
Why are we enemies?
Well, I know līd perceive the person sent to kill me as an enemy.
What does that mean? Since when am I supposed to kill anybody?
Iīm tired ofall this cryptic bulls**t.
Iīm physically and psychologically exhausted, Rufus...
and līm ready to kick back and welcome the end ofexistence...
unless you come clean right now.
Out of all the people on the goddamn planet, why was I tapped?
Imagineyouīre a 1 2-year-old boy.
Youīre told youīre Godīs only son, but more than that, youīre God.
How long do you think it would take to come to grips with something that huge?
Maybe, say, 1 8 years?
In the Bible,Jesus suddenly goes from age 1 2 to 30. 1 2 to 30.
Now, thatīs some pretty bad storytelling.
Where are the volumes of text dealing with the missing 1 8 years?
Iīll tell you where.
They were offered up as a sacrifice to the god of ecumenical politics.
You make it sound like thereīs some church conspiracy...
to cover up "the truth about Christ."
Any important material about Christ...
would give people a better understanding of the nature ofGod.
- Why would they leave any ofit out? - Because itīs tied in with His family.
- His mother and father. - His brothers and sisters.
Jesus didnīt have brothers and sisters. Mary was a virgin.
Mary gave birth to Christ without having known a manīs touch. This is true.
But she did have a husband.
Doyou really think he wouldīve stayed married to her for all those years...
ifhe wasnīt gettinī laid?
The nature of God and the Virgin Birth, those are leaps of faith.
But to believe a married couple never got down, thatīs just plain gullibility.
The blood that flows through your veins...
shares a chromosome or two at the genetic level...
with the oneyou calI Jesus.
Bethany, you are...
the great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-grandniece...
of Jesus Christ.
So, that would make Bethany part black?
I canīt do this anymore.
Whereyou gonna go? You know what līm saying is right.
- Itīs bulls**t. - Bethany.
Let her go, man.
Give her time.
What the f**k do You want from me?
I f**king hate You!
I hate You.
He canīt hear you, you know.
Thatīs whywe needed you.
Why didnītyou tell me?
Could you have believed me?
It was something you had to come to gradually.
Only after everything youīve seen...
everything youīve heard...
could you possibly be able to accept the truth.
I donīt want this.
Itīs too big.
Thatīs what Jesus said.
I had to tell Him.
You can imagine how that hurt the Father...
not to be able to tell the Son Himself...
because one word from His lips would destroy the boyīs frail human form.
So I had to deliver the news to a scared child...
who wanted nothing more than to playwith other children.
I had to tell this little boy that He was Godīs only son...
and it meant a life ofpersecution and eventual crucifixion...
at the hands of the very people Heīd come to enlighten and redeem.
He begged me to take it all back.
As if i could.
He begged me to "make it all not true."
Iīll let you in on something, Bethany, something līve never told anyone before.
Ifl had the power...
I would have.
Itīs unfair to ask a child to shoulder that responsibility...
and to ask you to do the same now.
I sympathize. I do.
I wish I could take it all back.
But I canīt.
is whoyou are.
Everything I am has been a lie?
Knowing whatyou now know doesnīt mean youīre not who you were.
No one can take that away from you, not even God.
All this means is a redefinition ofthat identity.
The incorporation ofthis new data into whoyou are.
Be whoyouīve always been.
be this as well...
from time to time.
Guess this means no more cheating on my taxes.
To say the least.
Do you mind if we ad journ to somewhere...
a tad more habitable...
and a bit warmer?
f**k, I think this s**t just kicked in.
Werenīt wejust in the woods? What are we doing here now?
Going out in style.
- The voice. - The apostle.
Now, whoīs this motherfucker?
The voice of God. Show some respect.
Oh, the voice ofGod. Whereīs the rest of Him?
Funny you should mention that. Weīre not sure.
- What? - Didnīt it ever occur to you...
that this Bartleby-Loki situation was well within the sphere of His control?
Yes, but then whywas she tapped?
You know those constitutionals that He likes to take?
I think weīre beyond euphemisms at this point.
Godīs a skeeball fanatic.
The Lord has quite a fancy for the game. Heīs been playing it foryears.
He assumes a human form once a month and indulges.
Doesnīt tell anyone where Heīs playing. Hejust goes away for a couple of hours.
And He always gives His free points away to neighbor hood children.
Isnīt that sweet?
But She hasnīt come back from one ofthese day trips?
No, "She" hasnīt...
and weīve been unable to locate " Her."
He couldīve been killed. Human form does have that drawback.
No, thereīs a different sort of foul play a foot, children.
Whomever has set the renegade angels on their path...
and is keeping them quite well hidden...
is also responsible for the Lordīs whereabouts.
Were He to be killed in human form...
Heīd have returned immediately to Heaven.
Someone knew enough...
to keep Him biologically alive...
but incapacitate Him in another fashion.
And as omnipotent as we are above...
I have to admit that weīre more or less lost without His presence.
Weīve looked everywhere for Him.
I tapped her because I thought weīd be able to smoke out whoeverīs behind this.
But whoever he is has been clever enough to send some lackeys afteryou...
as opposed to showing up themselves.
Could it be Lucifer?
If he was, heīd have made his move by now to conquer Heaven.
And I know heīs not responsible for Bartleby and Loki...
because heīs hadjust as much to lose by their return as anybody else.
What do we do now?
I say we get drunk, īcause līm all out of ideas.
Why donīt wejust ask this guy to close the church?
I beg your pardon?
The guy in charge ofthe church thing.
Maybe we can ask him to shut down the church.
Ifitīs closed that day, those guys canīt get blessed or whatever, right?
The little stonerīs got a point.
Maybe we could talk this guy Glick into cancelling the rededication ceremony.
Are you saying youīre back in, Ms. I-Donīt-Think-l-Can-Do-This-Anymore?
I wouldnīt want to let the family down, now would l?
the prophets finally live up to their titles.
Mass attendance is at an all-time low in this country...
but if we can let īem know the Catholic Church has a little panache...
we can win īem back, even get some new ones.
Fill them pews, people.
Thatīs the key. Grab the little ones as well.
Hook īem while theyīreyoung.
- Kinda like the tobacco industry. - Christ, if only we had their numbers.
We really appreciate you seeing us this late in the day, Your Eminence.
My friends and I have been traveling all night in hope of talking to you...
about the St. Michaelīs rededication ceremony.
You looking to help out in some way?
Weīd likeyou to cancel the ceremony.
I beg your pardon.
Thereīs gonna be a world of trouble if tomorrowīs ceremony goes on as planned.
The troubleīs not from us.
Itīs from these renegade angels thatīve been stuck on Earth since the plagues.
These guys, they think theyīre renegade angels.
See, Padre, it goes down like this.
These guys think that by passing through that archway, they can go to Heaven.
You want me to call offthe ceremony for that.
We were sent by Him who is called I Am!
Cute. Really cute.
Playtime with the cardinal is over.
- Worked for Moses. - Stay out ofthis.
Itīs not ajoke.
Iīm telling you, man, this ceremonyīs a big mistake.
The Catholic Church does not make mistakes.
Please! What about the Churchīs silent consent ofthe slave trade?
And its platform ofnoninvolvement during the Holocaust?
All right, mistakes were made.
But one can hardly hold the current incarnation of Holy Mother Church...
responsible for the oversights ofold.
Iīm a very important man with important matters that demand my attention...
so if you please--
- But tomorrow-- - Tomorrow goes off without a hitch.
Do I make myself clear?
Neitheryou nor any other influence short ofthe hand of God Himself...
is gonna keep this thing from going off without a hitch.
I can see the headlines now...
ifthere were gonna be any.
" Existence Erased."
Donīt worry about it. We evened the score.
Hand it over, Silent Bob.
You stole the cardinalīs driver?
Thatīs what he gets for messinī with our girlfriend.
Thatīs sort of sweet. Thanks, guys.
What do we do now about Bartleby and Loki?
I guess weīre gonna have to try and kill īem.
- You said they couldnīt be killed. - Correction.
Theywonīt be killed.
Andjust to ensure that, weīre all gonna sit tight...
until those two idiots pass through that arch.
Thereīs only one idiot here, Azrael...
and līm looking right at him.
Just in time to join us for a drink.
Hey. Whereīd you come from?
- Whereīd you come from? - Me?
And thatīs where līm returning to in approximately, oh, one hour.
All right, Plato, sounds like youīve had enough already.
- Letīs go. - Oh, darn it!
Come on, barkeep,just one drink. One for the road, then līm gone?
I was trying to find you to tell you I figured out who was behind all this.
Is that who I think it is?
- None other than. - Who is he?
All right, one drink. Then youīre gone.
Give me a...
Never heard ofit.
He doesnīt know how to make a Holy Bartender.
You do, donītyou, Muse?
Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender.
Sweet Jesus, Azrael! Why?
Come on, Demon! Try that s**t on somebody whoīs already dead!
Oh, Apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude...
and you and the barkeep wonīt be the only corpses in the room.
The Christ b*tch will join you.
Areyou really that stupid?
You do know whatīs gonna happen if those two jerks enter that church.
Iīm actually counting on it.
And if my calculations are correct...
the pawns are moving into checkmate as we speak.
" Holy Bartender." I get it. Thatīs a great one!
Iīd also like to acknowledge this great stateīs governor, Elizabeth Dalton...
for coming this morning.
Sheīs a Protestant, but weīre not gonna hold that against her.
Now, let mejust tell you a little bit ofhistory about this particular...
hundred-years-young house ofGod.
God doesnīt live here anymore.
Heīs grown weary ofyour superficial faith.
Heīs turned a deafear toyour lip-service prayers.
- He has abandoned you, his favorites... - Sorry.
to the whim ofjudgment.
prepare to taste Godīs wrath.
-Maybe we shouldjust leave. -You wanted your body count. You got it.
This lot is rife with sin. Weīll judge them all.
All right, mouthpiece...
Ietīs leave the nice cardinal alone and go for a ride.
Mr. McGhee, donīt make me angry.
You wouldnīt like me when līm angry.
Is that so?
Ladies and gentlemen...
you have been judged as guilty of violations against our Almighty God...
and this very day...
I assure you you will all pay for your trespasses...
- Wings. Now. - Iīm feeling a little exposed here.
- So heīs a muse too? - Former muse.
He was kicked out.
Ever the f**king apple polisher.
Then what happened?
Well, Luciferjust had to start his little war for the throne.
Heaven became divided into two factions--
the faithful and the renegades.
Oh, the Ethereal Plains were chaotic with battle.
Angel against angel.
And when it was all over, God cast the rebels into perdition.
But Azrael refused to fight.
He remained in the middle, waiting to see who came out victorious.
What areyou, some kind offuckinī chicken?
I was an artist...
I was inspiration!
A muse has no place in battle.
So after the fallen were banished to Hell...
God turned on those that wouldnīt fight...
and Azrael was sent down with the demons...
something he considers a great injustice.
Oh, come on.
Donīt tell meyou never questioned the judgment, Serendipity.
No. It never bothered me.
Soyou were an artist.
Elvis was an artist...
but that didnīt stop him from joining the service in time ofwar.
Thatīs why he is the king...
and youīre a schmuck.
So all this is about revenge.
Youīre gonna unmake existence because you have a grudge against God?
After the first million years? No.
Escape from Hell became my all-consuming reason.
So I studied the religions and waited for my opportunity to present itself...
which it finally did...
But I couldnīt exercise it.
Demons canīt become human.
No, we canīt transubstantiate.
But angels can.
Bartleby and Loki.
After that it was a simple matter of waiting for a church...
to celebrate their centennial...
and when that finally happened I sent the pair an article laced with ideas.
An incantation I picked up in the pit...
kept them cloaked and off Heavenīs radars.
And aside from the triplets here and the Golgothan...
no soul in Hell had a clue as to what was going on.
But the Almighty could still putsch the whole deal...
so I dispatched Him in a fairly ingenious fashion.
Her. And how?
Thatīs the only thing I couldnīt figure out.
Oh, no, līve seen way too many Bond movies to know...
thatyou never reveal all the details ofyour plan...
no matter how close you may think you are to winning.
The only "X" factor was the involvement of the last scion here.
But fat lot ofgood that did, right? I mean, hereyou all are.
Powerless to stop the inevitable.
Look, a**hole, I donīt know if anyone explained the rules toyou...
but if you succeed everything gets blinked out ofexistence, even you.
Human, haveyou ever been to Hell?
I think not.
Iīd rather not exist than go back to that.
And if everyone has to go down with me, so be it.
Still thinking only aboutyourself...
you f**king child!
Now, now, now.
Things are getting too intense in here.
Hey! What say we watch a little TV?
Yo, put on channel 9. Davey and Goliath.
Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of current events.
I repeat, men withhuge f**king wings...
have laid waste toSt. Michaelīs!
Bullets donīt seem to affect them!
The remainder of the crowd have dropped to theirknees...
identifying this as the fable da pocalypse.
Now, līm notaman of faith, butlīm inclined to agree.
Oh, God, please, donīt come any closer! God, no!
You see that? And I told them to keep a low profile.
Iīd be pissed, but in a couple minutes itīs not going to matter anyway.
Oh, now what was that all about?
I had something in my eye.
Now whoīs the f**king child?
What did you tell him, to hit me with the golfclub?
Areyou serious? līm a f**king demon. Youīd have him assault me with a putter?
You want to play? Then weīll play.
One side, Red.
Go ahead, then. Pick it up.
Call it a gift.
Take a shot.
Take your best f**king shot.
Seriously. Iīm not kidding. Take it. Come on.
Come on, bright boy.
Donītyou know anything?
Bethany, bless the sink!
- What? -Just do it!
Bless the sink, damn it!
Thatīs whatyou get, motherfucker.
But līm a f**king demon.
He said it himself: "līm a f**king demon."
Hit a demon with an instrument ofGod, the pure side so itīll do some damage.
Silent Bobīs an instrument ofGod?
No, but Glickīs the kind of a**hole whoīd bless his clubs for a better game.
- But the sink? - Youīve got the divine heritage.
Sanctifying isjust one ofthe fringe benefits.
Remind me to try the water-to-wine thing at my next party.
- How far away is this church? - Three towns over, about ten miles.
- Rufus, grab the gun. - Ten steps ahead ofyou.
Take the bartenderīs car. He wonīt need it.
The whole f**king worldīs against us, dude, I swear to God.
Oh, my God.
And people wonderwhy I donīt go to church anymore.
Are we too late?
To save these poor schmucks?
But we still exist.
Where are they?
They could already be in the church.
Which means ifthey come out, nobody touches them.
Areyou s**tting me?
The brother here is gonna shred īem with his angel-be-good special. Huh, homey?
If they pass through that arch, they come out clean.
And if they die, they go straight up.
And hello! We know what happens then, right?
- Why donīt theyjust kill themselves? - Itīs a mortal sin.
Die with a mortal sin on your soul and you burn. They donīt want to go to hell.
Then what, are we supposed tojust wait for a solution to fall from the sky?
Friend of yours?
No, that was a cardinal.
You canīt tell from his face, but the rosaries are a dead giveaway.
Itīs one ofthem! Kill that motherfucker!
- We canīt touch him! - I wasnīt. I was gonna shoot his a**.
Heīs been at it for a while now.
We ran out of parishioners...
so hejust started picking up folk offthe road andjust dropping īem.
This isjust eons ofrepression getting purged.
If only theyīd let us jerk off.
Whoops. Take a step back.
Let me go!
Why? What are you trying to prove?
- All these people! - Hey, this wasnīt my idea!
I just wanted to go home.
But him, you know...
hejust lost it.
He realized who you were and whatyou were gonna have to do.
He just snapped.
The funny thing is, this guy could never even stand to see me work.
He said he felt sorry foryou people.
Now look at him.
This guyīs fuckinī drunker than hell.
Which means heīs human now.
His wings have been cut off.
Oh, no way!
I havenīt seen you-- You look terrific. Wow!
Whatīs with the tits? Can l--
Haveyou walked through the arch yet?
Tell me. Have you gone in and come out through the archwayyet?
We were awaiting your arrival.
Bartleby, wait. Stop. Listen to me.
You canīt go through with this. Azrael wasjust using you.
If you go back--
Iīve become aware of the repercussions. I know what līm doing.
You sick, twisted f**k!
You, of all people, should understand what līm trying to accomplish here.
You too know what it feels like to be cast aside.
But youīve only dealt with the pain a few years.
Iīve dealt with it for a millennia.
While you never seeyour ex-husband or how blissful he is with his new wife--
and he is--
seeing you people every day on this perfect world He created foryou...
is a constant reminder...
that though my kind came fiirst...
your kind was most revered.
And while you know forgiveness...
we know only regret.
The lesson must be taught.
All are accountable...
Soon a cadre of police will arrive...
just in time to kill us as we exit the church.
Then this failed experiment called existence...
will cease to be.
No. Hey. Hey!
I canīt let you do that, Bartleby.
This has gone too far.
I might have to takeyou down.
Itīs okay. Shh.
Iīll do it.
Genocide takes a lot out ofhim.
More importantly, heīs also a human being...
a condition which carries two liabilities--
a short life span.
Iīm sorry, old friend, but you lost the faith.
Heīs lost it. Weīre fucked.
- Weīre absolutely fucked! - I hear that s**t.
I canīt believe this.
Weīre on the brink of non existence, and Godīs still nowhere to be found.
- What kind of deity gets kidnapped? - Amen to that.
What the hell are you doing?
If the whole worldīs gonna end, you said youīd f**k me.
- Youīre a pig. - Nobodyīs gonna beat that thing.
We can lay here all comatose like that John DoeJersey bastard over there...
- orwe can get makinī with the love. - What did you say?
Make with the love. Itīs a nice way of saying boning.
No, aboutJohn DoeJersey.
That guy, the one they wonīt take off life support--John DoeJersey.
This is where heīs at-- St. Michaelīs Hospital.
Whereīs the nearest boardwalk?
I ainīt got time to win you a prize. We gotta get to the f**king.
- Where is it? - Asbury Park, about five miles away.
- Haveyou ever been there? - Once, with this chick.
We were about to f**k on the carousel and I got sick, started puking.
- Do they have skeeball there? - Yeah.
Thatīs what līm talkinī about.
What ever you do, stall Bartleby from going into that church.
Bob, come with me. Come on!
- How am I supposed to do that? - Think of something!
I already did, but it takes two ofus!
I repeat, thisis nota drill.
Thisis the apocalypse.
Please exit the hospital inan orderly fashion.
Hey, Big Bird!
Ready for the counting game?
Count the shells, Suck-a-Duck.
No more bullets.
Now, what the f**k would you do that for?
Angels have to cut theirwings off to become human.
You just did him a favor, stupid!
I hope youīre the skeeball type.
Was Wisconsin really that bad?
Bow down, stupid!
Anyone who isnīt dead or from another plane of existence...
would do well to cover their ears right about now.
What the f**k?
It never ends!
Get offofme. I wanna see whatīs up.
What the f**k is this s**t?
Who the f**k are you, lady?
Why the f**k did you hug my head?
Quite a little mouth on him, isnīt there?
What the f**k is this, The Piano? Why ainīt this broad talkinī?
I believe the answers thatyou seek lie within my companionīs eyes.
What the f**k does that mean? Has everyone gone fuckinī nuts?
What the f**k happened to that guyīs head?
Where was she?
Imprisoned in a body.
Bethany figured it all out. Sheīs a clever girl, that one.
Hang on a minute.
You missed a bit.
Well, then, you ready to go back, apostle?
You ready to make some ofthose changes I been talking about?
Seeing as how you just had to get involved...
youīre welcome to return with us as well.
First I gotta say good-bye to Bethany. Where is she?
Metatron, is she--
One of the drawbacks to being a martyr is that you have to die.
But no matter.
All is being taken care of.
Wax on, wax off.
How did l--
She can rebuild you.
She has the technology.
She can makeyou better, stronger, faster.
A very relieved deity.
You did well, little girl. I knew youīd come īround.
Your kind always does.
You might want to take good care ofyourself.
Weīre gonna need you down the road.
I know. Iīm the last scion.
Well, youīre halfright.
You were the last scion.
is the last scion.
Canīt put anything pastyou.
Take care ofthat parcel for us.
She has a world ofwork ahead ofher.
I donīt know...
God, thereīs a million things I wish I could ask you...
most of it questioning your great plan, and thatīd be arrogant ofme, I know.
But there is one I need to ask.
Iīm sure you get it all the time, but how many chances like this will I get?
Why are we here?
Didnīt I tell you she was funny?
I really enjoyed meeting you.
It was an honor.
You did so well.
I told you She was a woman.
Sheīs not really a woman.
Sheīs not really anything.
Sheīs something, all right.
Crisis offaith over?
I think līm now burdened with an overabundance.
When it rains, it pours.
Areyou saying you believe?
But I have a good idea.
The Man was right aboutyou.
Now līm gonna go home and tell Him so.
And ifyou clean upyour language...
I just might put in a good word foryou too.
Why donītyou name the kid after me?
Yo, we should go to Quick Stop.
Youse guys wanna hear something sick?
I got halfa stalk when she kissed me.
I couldnīt help it. The b*tch was hot.
You canīt talk to me that way anymore. Iīm gonna be somebodyīs mother.
You know, when youīre pregnantyou can have sex until the third trimester.
Iīll keep that in mind.
So, that wouldmake Bethany partblack?