ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...
ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, FIVE, SIX.
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ ?????? ]
[ Clicking of shutter ]
FREDDY, YOU ARE
SO DAMN HOT.
MAKE LOVE TO
THAT LENS, MAKE
LOVE TO IT, GO ON.
f**k IT,
THAT'S IT.
BEAUTIFUL. BEAUTIFUL.
I LOVE IT!
[ ?????? ]
COME ON.
ALL RIGHT.
[ ?????? ]
[ Chuckling ]
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT'S
BEEN A WHOLE YEAR ALREADY?
SINCE WHAT?
MMM. KING OF
BABYLON CONTEST.
IT ALWAYS SEEMS
LIKE SUCH A BIG
DEAL AT THE TIME
AND THEN LIKE
A WEEK LATER,
YOU CAN'T EVEN
REMEMBER WHO WON.
ANGEL ESCOBAR.
5'10", 175...
28" WAIST, 9" c**k
AND A BIRTHMARK
IN THE SHAPE OF
PLACIDO DOMINGO
IN HIS INNER
RIGHT THIGH.
WOW, YOU WERE
PAYING ATTENTION.
SHOULD I
BE JEALOUS?
NO.
[ ?????? ]
THINK I'LL
SKIP DESSERT.
AH, WHO CARES ABOUT A
BUNCH OF STEROID GYM
BUNNIES DANCING AROUND
IN THEIR JOCKS ANYWAY?
WELL, CONSIDERING
YOU FUCKED ALL
OF LAST YEAR'S
CONTESTANTS: YOU.
[ Laughter ]
GOD, WHO WOULD
DO THAT?
WHO WOULDN'T
f**k BRIAN?
Justin:
NO.
I MEAN STRIP
IN FRONT OF ALL
THOSE PEOPLE.
FOR 1,000 BUCKS
AND A TRIP TO
THE BAHAMAS?
A LOT OF GUYS.
ESPECIALLY WHEN
YOU'RE ON DRUGS,
PLEASE, YOU'LL
DO ANYTHING.
OOPS, SORRY.
BLAKE ACKNOWLEDGES
HIS ADDICTION,
AND HE'S
WORKING ON IT.
I'VE BEEN GOING
TO MEETINGS
AT THE GAY AND
LESBIAN CENTRE.
MY, MY, AREN'T
WE A BUSY
LITTLE BEE?
SO, UM, WE'LL
ALL MEET IN
FRONT OF BABYLON?
10:00 O'CLOCK?
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T THINK
DAVID'S GOING
TO WANT TO GO
'CAUSE IT'S
KIND OF LATE.
DOES HE ALREADY
HAVE HIS TEETH IN
A GLASS BY THEN?
I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW
HE GETS UP AT 6:00
O'CLOCK EVERY MORNING
AND RUNS FIVE MILES,
WHILE YOU'RE STILL IN BED.
I FEEL THAT'S
WHERE I GET MY
BEST CARDIO WORKOUT.
I'M SURE HE WOULD GO
IF I WANTED HIM TO.
UH-HUH.
IT'S TRUE.
ALL RIGHT.
THEN MAKE SURE
HE'S THERE.
ALL RIGHT,
I WILL.
OKAY.
OKAY.
GREAT.
FINE.
SO, YOU COMING?
WELL, BABYLON
ISN'T EXACTLY
A DRUG-FREE
ENVIRONMENT.
YOU KNOW, BLAKE'S
A BIG BOY.
WHY DON'T YOU
LET HIM DECIDE?
I'M FINE.
REALLY.
WE'RE IN.
HOORAY!
ONLY IT'S STARTING
TO FEEL PERILOUSLY
LIKE A COUPLES NIGHT,
SEEING AS I'M THE
ONLY SINGLE BOY LEFT.
'SCUSE ME, WHAT
THE f**k DO YOU
THINK I AM?
ARE WE GOING
TO BABYLON?
[ Chortling ]
WHAT?
Michael: [ Mouth full ]
THOSE JEANS ARE ALL
TORN AND TOO TIGHT.
WHAT?
[ Mumbling ]
I SAID THOSE
JEANS ARE ALL
WORN AND TOO TIGHT.
[ Chuckling ]
HOW COME I
HAVEN'T SEEN YOU
IN THEM BEFORE?
I ONLY WEAR THEM
WHEN I DON'T HAVE
CLEAN CLOTHES.
WELL, YOU MUST
STOP DOING LAUNDRY
IMMEDIATELY.
[ Chuckling ]
HEY...
DO YOU FEEL
LIKE GOING OUT?
TONIGHT'S THE KING
OF BABYLON CONTEST.
OH, MICHAEL,
I'M TOO OLD
FOR THAT s**t.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
YES, I AM.
HUH. LOOK, IF
THE GUYS SAW
HOW INCREDIBLY
SEXY YOU LOOK
IN THOSE JEANS,
THEY'D PROB-
ABLY STOP...
UM...
WHAT?
NOTHING.
NEVER MIND.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE
SAID ANYTHING.
NO, NO, NO.
FINISH WHAT YOU
WERE GOING TO SAY.
I BET THEY'D STOP
MAKING JOKES ABOUT
ADULT DIAPERS,
AND DENTURE
CREAM AND...
PENILE IMPLANTS.
PENILE IMPLANTS?
WELL, HEY, YOU
SAID IT YOURSELF,
YOU'RE TOO OLD
FOR THIS s**t.
[ Brushing of teeth ]
[ Running of water ]
[ Dropping of clothes ]
[ ?????? ]
[ Sighing ]
I KNEW THEY
WOULDN'T COME.
MICHAEL PROBABLY HAD
TO GIVE THE OLD MAN
A PROSTATE MASSAGE.
HA!
THERE ARE WORSE
WAYS TO SPEND A
SATURDAY NIGHT.
Michael:
HEY, BOYS.
[ Chuckle ]
SORRY WE'RE
LATE, UH,
HAD TO WAIT FOR
DAVID TO FINISH
HIS 1,000 SIT-UPS.
HUH.
WOW...
DAVID, YOU...
YOU LOOK... GREAT.
[ Chuckle ]
I MEAN, IT'S
GREAT TO...
SEE YOU.
All:
[ Shouts of approval ]
Brian:
OKAY, ENOUGH
OF THIS. LET'S
GO INSIDE,
WHERE THEY HAVE
SOME MORE JEANS.
YEAH, WHY
DON'T YOU GO
BEFORE US?
[ ?????? ]
HEY, LET'S
HAVE A DRINK.
ON ME.
Brian:
NO, I THINK I'M
GOING TO GO CHECK
OUT THE DANCE FLOOR.
YEAH, ME TOO.
SAME HERE.
THANKS ANYWAY.
GUESS I WON'T
BE WINNING
ANY POPULARITY
CONTEST TONIGHT.
IT'S NOT
YOUR PROBLEM.
IT'S THEIRS.
COME ON.
HE-EY, DUDE.
HOW'S IT GOING?
HAVEN'T SEEN
YOU AROUND.
I'VE BEEN AWAY.
WELCOME BACK.
NEED A FAVOUR?
NO THANKS.
WHO'S THAT?
NOBODY.
MY DEALER.
EX-DEALER.
I KNEW WE
SHOULDN'T
HAVE COME HERE.
IT'S OKAY.
I'M OKAY.
LOOK, YOU HAVE
TO TRUST ME, OKAY?
I DO.
[ Sighing ]
LET'S DANCE.
[ ?????? ]
Announcer:
GENTLEMEN AND GENTLEMEN,
WELCOME OUR HOSTESS
FOR THE EVENING,
HER ROYAL
RUDENESS, SHEBA,
QUEEN OF BABYLON.
[ Cheering ]
[ ?????? ]
[ Grunt of stumbling ]
[ Clearing of throat ]
GOTTA MAKE SURE THE
ROYAL TITS ARE INTACT.
UH-HUH.
[ Laughter ]
ALL RIGHT, BOYS. GO AWAY.
GO PLAY WITH
YOURSELVES. CH-CIAO.
[ Laughter ]
[ Sighing ]
WELCOME TO THE 73rd
ANNUAL ACADEMY A...
OOPS, WRONG SHOW.
WELCOME TO THE
KING OF BABYLON CONTEST...
[ Cheering/applause ]
WHERE THE COMPE-
TITION IS STIFF,
AND SO ARE
THE CONTESTANTS.
BUT DON'T FRET, BOYS,
YOU CAN STILL SIGN UP
TO DROP TROU
AND WIN A THOU.
ALL RIGHT, OUR
FIRST CONTESTANT IS
"FOUR ALARM FRED".
HE'LL, UH, LIGHT YOUR
FIREANDPUT IT OUT.
[ Cheering/clapping ]
[ ?????? ]
SHAVED CHEST,
PEC IMPLANTS.
STEROIDS...
HAIR CLUB
FOR MEN.
YEAH, IT'S SAD,
ISN'T IT?
ALL THESE
OLDER GUYS,
STILL PARTYING WAY
PAST THEIR PRIME.
THEY DON'T KNOW
WHEN TO STOP.
OH.
SO HOW ABOUT
THE REAL THING?
CHECK BACK WITH
ME IN AN HOUR.
WHAT?
SO NOW I'M A
BACKUP PLAN...
WHO YOU DO WHEN
ALL ELSE FAILS?
HOW MANY TIMES DO
I HAVE TO TELL YOU?
WE'RE NOT A COUPLE.
MICHAEL AND DAVID
ARE A COUPLE.
LINDSAY AND MELANIE
ARE A COUPLE.
TED AND WHAT'S-HIS-
NAME ARE A COUPLE.
YEAH. SO WHAT
ARE WE, BRIAN?
I DON'T KNOW
ABOUT YOU BUT...
I'M SINGLE.
[ ?????? ]
[ Clapping/cheering ]
[ Cheering ]
[ Shrill whistling ]
[ Unzipping of fly ]
[ Sigh of
relief ]
Woman: [ On P.A. system ]
...INFORMATION DESK
AT THE NORTH END
OF THE MALL.
YOUR SON JOHN HAS
BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.
HEY.
HELLO.
SO, WHAT ARE
YOU INTO?
A LITTLE SHOPPING.
DINNER, A MOVIE.
THE NEW
JULIA ROBERTS.
I JUST LOVE HER.
YOU, UH... WANT
TO DO SOMETHING?
I'M SORRY...
BUT PUBLIC
RESTROOMS
AREN'T MY SCENE.
[ Zipping of fly ]
THEN HOW ABOUT
WE GO SOME-
PLACE ELSE?
[ ?????? ]
[ Thinking ]
GOD, THE MUSIC'S
SO LOUD IN HERE,
YOU CAN BARELY
HEAR YOURSELF THINK.
[ Stopping of ?????? ]
OH... THAT'S BETTER.
I DON'T KNOW WHY I
INSISTED ON COMING HERE.
IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME.
THE GUYS WHO ARE INTER-
ESTED IN ME, I'M NOT
INTERESTED IN THEM.
AND THE ONES I'M
INTERESTED IN, WELL,
AREN'T INTERESTED IN ME.
AH-H...
[ Romantic ?????? ]
[ Synchronized
snapping of fingers ]
[ Snapping of fingers ]
Sheba:
GENTLEMEN AND GENTLEMEN,
CONTESTANT NUMBER TWO,
OFFICER O'REILLY.
HE'S VERY ARRESTING,
DON'T YOU THINK?
OFFICER, I JUST GOT
A PARKING TICKET.
STRIP-SEARCH ME!
[ ?????? ]
THE PROBLEM WITH
THIS CONTEST IS
THAT IT EXPOSES
THE SINGLE,
MOST TRAGIC FLAW
OF GAY CULTURE.
[ Chuckle ]
IT EXPOSES A LOT
MORE THAN THAT, DOC.
AND THAT IS
OUR ALMOST
PATHOLOGICAL
OBSESSION
WITH YOUTH,
BEAUTY AND SMOOTH,
MUSCULAR BODIES.
I KNOW, WHAT A SHAME.
AND UNTIL WE BREAK
FREE OF OUR STUNTED...
ADOLESCENCE
AND OUR SUPER-
FICIAL VALUES,
WE'LL ALWAYS BE
BOYS, NEVER MEN.
GOD, IS
THAT ALL?
I HAPPEN TO
FIND WHAT DAVID
IS SAYING
TO BE PROFOUNDLY
INSIGHTFUL.
I FIND IT TO
BE PROFOUNDLY
FULL OF s**t.
AN OPINION PUT
FORTH AS TRUTH
BY A BUNCH OF
HYPOCRITICAL,
JEALOUS,
GUILT-RIDDEN,
SELF-LOATHING
MIDDLE-AGED,
SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED,
PSEUDO-INTELLECTUAL FAGS
WHO WISH THEY
WERE STRAIGHT.
HA, HA, HA, HA.
[ ?????? ]
SO WHY DON'T
YOU SIGN UP?
'CAUSE I DON'T NEED
TO DANCE AROUND IN MY
UNDERWEAR TO GET LAID.
OR MAYBE... YOU CAN'T
HANDLE THE COMPETITION.
David:
[ Snicker ]
OH MY GOD, HE'S
GOING TO SIGN UP.
NO, HE WON'T.
[ Chuckling ]
NO WAY.
HE IS.
OUR NEXT CONTESTANT
IS MOHAMMED.
HE'S A MASTER
YOGA INSTRUCTOR
FROM RIPT GYM.
HE CAN PERFORM
"AUTO FELLATIO".
WHAT THE f**k'S THAT?
IF THAT'S GIVING A
BLOW JOB IN YOUR CAR,
THEN I'M A MASTER TOO.
[ Chuckling ]
[ ?????? ]
s**t, I'M
STARTING TO WILT
AND I'VE STILL GOT
THE "BEST PECS CONTEST"
AT BOYTOY TOMORROW.
MMM, WHAT'S WITH
THE LONG FACE,
SWEETHEART?
NOTHING.
THIS GUY.
HMM. AIN'T
IT ALWAYS?
SO, WHAT DID
THIS GUY DO?
HE TAKES ME
FOR GRANTED.
A WALKING WET DREAM
LIKE YOU COULD HAVE
ANYONE HE WANTS.
I KNOW.
THAT'S THE
PART I FIND
SO IRRITATING.
MAYBE HE NEEDS
TO KNOW IT.
MAYBE EVERYBODY
NEEDS TO KNOW IT.
HEY, DEB. TELEPHONE.
IF IT'S PUBLISHER'S
CLEARING HOUSE,
TELL THEM I WON THE
SWEEPSTAKES LAST YEAR.
IT'S YOUR BROTHER.
OH!
HEY, VIC.
WHAT'S UP, HONEY?
Vic: [ On Phone ]
Don't panic.
I've been arrested.
WHAT?
I SAID DON'T PANIC.
AND DON'T TELL
ANYBODY. NOBODY.
NOT EVEN MICHAEL.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I was at the mall,
I went to pee.
WELL WHAT ARE THEY
CHARGING YOU WITH?
NOT FLUSHING?
INDECENT EXPOSURE.
INDECENT...
WHAT THE HELL'D YOU DO,
WAG IT AT SOMEBODY?
I didn't do anything,
Sis, I swear.
CAN YOU COME DOWN?
I'M AT THE ZONE 8 STATION
ON LIBERTY AND GRANT.
I'm leaving right
now, all right?
JUST STAY CALM.
And could you
bring my meds?
I SHOULD'VE TAKEN
THEM AN HOUR AGO.
YEAH, DON'T WORRY.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT
ANYTHING.
[ ?????? ]
[ Romantic ?????? ]
I CAN'T
EXPLAIN IT.
I-IT'S AS
THOUGH...
WE'VE KNOWN
EACH OTHER
ALL OUR LIVES.
EXACTLY.
AS... AS IF
YOU'VE BEEN
WAITING FOR ME...
AND I'VE BEEN
WAITING FOR YOU.
TWO HALVES OF
THE SAME SOUL...
THAT HAVE
FINALLY MET.
IT'S WILD.
LOOK, I... I KNOW
THIS IS RIDICULOUSLY
FORWARD OF ME...
I MEAN...
I MEAN, WE...
HARDLY KNOW
EACH OTHER.
BUT WOULD YOU
MIND... THAT IS,
VERY MUCH...
I-IF I...
GO RIGHT
AHEAD.
[ Gasps of pleasure ]
[ ?????? ]
[ Loud moans ]
[ ?????? ]
[ Cries of ecstasy ]
[ Panting ]
WAS THAT ALL
RIGHT, MY LOVE?
IT WAS LIKE...
CHRISTMAS...
AND NEW YEAR'S
AND MY BIRTHDAY,
ALL ROLLED UP
INTO ONE.
NOT THE
FOURTH OF JULY?
WELL... I'M SAVING
THAT FOR YOU.
[ Groan ]
[ ?????? ]
[ Moaning ]
[ Louder moan ]
[ High-pitched moan ]
[ ?????? ]
I'LL BE
RIGHT BACK.
Ted:
WHERE YOU GOING?
BATHROOM.
DO YOU THINK IT'S
A GOOD IDEA TO
LET HIM GO ALONE?
WOULD YOU LIKE
ME TO HOLD IT
FOR HIM?
HAH!
NO, I MEAN,
AFTER WHAT HAP-
PENED LAST TIME.
IT'S CALLED TRUST.
YEAH, YOU CAN TRUST
HE'LL END UP IN
THE EMERGENCY ROOM.
MAYBE HE WON'T.
MAYBE HE'LL
DISAPPOINT
ALL OF YOU
AND ACTUALLY
BE ALL RIGHT.
WHEN YOU
WERE A BOY,
DID YOU SAVE
THE BIRDS WITH
THE BROKEN WINGS?
WHAT DID YOU DO,
TEAR THEM OFF?
Emmett:
EVERYBODY...
I WANT YOU TO
MEET A VERY
SPECIAL SOMEONE.
I'M BRENT.
BRENT.
Michael:
HI, BRENT.
HI.
HI... BRENT.
HELLO, WELCOME.
ANYONE WHO'S
SPECIAL TO EMMETT
IS SPECIAL TO US.
WHO?
EMMETT.
THAT'S ME,
DARLING.
[ Snicker ]
HOW LONG HAVE YOU
TWO KNOWN EACH OTHER?
WELL, I-IN THIS
LIFE, ONLY A...
BRIEF WHILE.
BUT, UH... BUT
I-I BELIEVE THAT
IN PAST LIVES,
WE'VE KNOWN
EACH OTHER MANY
TIMES BEFORE.
UH, DON'T YOU?
OH, IT'S THE ONLY
EXPLANATION
FOR HOW WE
COULD HAVE SO
MUCH IN COMMON.
YOU CAN'T
BELIEVE IT.
WE BOTH LOVE
BRAD PITT.
Brent:
CLINIQUE FOR MEN.
Together:
ESPECIALLY WHEN
THEY'RE HAVING A SALE.
UH, GREEN
ONION-FLAVOURED
POTATO CHIPS.
Brent:
AND OUR FAVOUR-
ITE SONG...
IS "SOMEWHERE
OUT THERE".
NOWTHAT'S
UNCANNY.
WELL, COME
AND HAVE A
DRINK WITH US.
[ ?????? ]
HEY, WHAT'S UP?
WHAT'S THE
PROBLEM?
EMMETT KNOWS SOME GUY
FOR ALL OF 15 MINUTES
AND HE'S PRACTICALLY
A FRAT BROTHER.
BLAKE YOU CAN
BARELY SPEAK TO.
WELL, MAYBE
THAT'S BECAUSE...
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY.
"SO, YOU NEARLY
KILLED MY FRIEND."
"HEY, I HEAR YOU
PASSED OUT ON THE
BATHROOM FLOOR.
YOU WANT
TO BE BUDS?"
YOU KNOW, I FIGURED
IF ANYONE COULD'VE
GIVEN HIM A CHANCE,
IT WOULD'VE BEEN
YOU, MICHAEL.
[ Ringing of door bell ]
Melanie:
HOLD ON, JESUS!
[ Knocking on door ]
I'M COMING.
[ Continued knocking ]
WHAT'S THE
MATTER?
I'VE BEEN CALLING,
BUT THERE'S
NO ANSWER.
OH, WE TURN
THE PHONE OFF
AT NIGHT.
IT WAKES GUS UP.
I'M... I-I'M
SORRY TO BE COMING
BY SO LATE.
VIC'S IN JAIL.
Both:
WHAT?
HE SAID HE WAS
AT THE MALL,
HE WENT TO
THE MEN'S ROOM,
AND THE NEXT THING
IS THEY ARRESTED HIM
FOR INDECENT EXPOSURE.
INDECENT
EXPOSURE?
YEAH, HE SWEARS
HE DIDN'T DO
ANYTHING.
BUT HE NEEDS
A LAWYER, AND
I DIDN'T KNOW
WHERE TO...
NO, NO, IT'S OKAY.
I'M GOING TO GO
GET DRESSED.
WELL, IF HE DIDN'T
DO ANYTHING, WHY DID
THEY ARREST HIM?
OH, I-IT'S...
HARASSMENT
OF GAY PEOPLE.
COPS JUST LIKE
PLAYING "CAPTURE
THE FAG".
WHAT ARE YOU
SAYING? YOU THINK
VIC DID SOMETHING?
I WAS JUST
ASKING...
YEAH WELL, I'M
TELLING YOU, I
KNOW MY OWN BROTHER.
AND IT'S CRAP.
LISTEN, IT'S
GOING TO BE OKAY.
I'M GOING TO GO GET
DRESSED, BUT WE
BETTER GET A MOVE ON.
I'LL BE
RIGHT BACK.
[ ?????? ]
YOU SAID TO
CHECK BACK WITH
YOU IN AN HOUR.
I STILL HAVE
EIGHT MINUTES LEFT.
[ ?????? ]
[ Snorting ]
HE HAS ZITS
ON HIS a**,
A TRAGIC
ENDOWMENT,
AND IS JUST GETTING
OVER A NASTY CASE
OF GONORRHEA.
UH-HUH.
[ ?????? ]
WELL, IF I WERE
YOU, I WOULDN'T
WAIT TOO LONG.
BY THEN I MAY
HAVE OTHER PLANS.
[ ?????? ]
SO, WHAT'S WITH
YOU ANYWAY?
NOTHING.
WHO'S YOUR,
UH... FRIEND?
NOBODY.
YOU LOOK PRETTY
TIGHT TO ME.
SO HOW COME
YOU DIDN'T
INTRODUCE US?
HE WOULDN'T
LIKE YOU.
MAYBE HE WOULD
IF I, UH...
OFFERED HIM
A FAVOUR.
YEAH WELL, HE'S NOT
INTERESTED IN ANY
OF YOUR "FAVOURS".
GREAT STUFF.
GREAT PRICE.
AND I TOLD YOU,
NEITHER AM I.
WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
PROBABLY JUST WHAT
IT LOOKS LIKE:
LOITERING OUTSIDE
THE MEN'S ROOM.
DID YOU COME TO
CHECK UP ON ME?
'COURSE NOT.
I JUST SEEM TO
MEET THE CUTEST
GUYS HERE.
'CAUSE I TOLD
YOU, I'M FINE.
I KNOW.
COME ON,
LET'S, UH...
GO FIND
THE OTHERS.
LET'S NOT.
I'D RATHER JUST
BE WITH YOU.
Sheba:
GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES,
AND THIS BLONDE PREFERS
GENTLEMEN IN LEATHER.
A BIG HAND FOR DWAYNE.
All:
[ Cheering/clapping ]
[ ?????? ]
[ Tchaikovsky's
"Nutcracker Suite" ?????? ]
I'VE ALWAYS
DREAMT ABOUT
LIVING IN A
LITTLE COTTAGE...
WITH A GARDEN
OUT BACK?
W-WHERE I CAN
GROW LAVENDER AND
DAFFODILS, AND...
WEAR A BIG
SUN BONNET,
LIKE MY AUNT
BELLE, THAT TIES
UNDER THE CHIN.
AND WE'LL COOK
GOURMET MEALS...
SEASONED WITH
OUR VERY OWN HERBS.
AND ON SNOWY
EVENINGS, WE'LL
CURL UP IN FRONT
OF THE FIRE
WITH BIG MUGS
OF HOT TEA.
AND... AND IN
THE SUMMER,
WE'LL TAKE LONG,
LAZY WALKS
DOWN A...
SUN-DAPPLED
COUNTRY LANE.
IT'S HEAVEN.
BLISS.
I'LL BE
RIGHT BACK.
DON'T GO AWAY.
I'LL BE WAITING...
RIGHT HERE.
[ Tchaikovsky's
"Nutcracker Suite" ?????? ]
[ Club ?????? ]
YOU HAD ENOUGH
PULSATING,
GRINDING FLESH
FOR ONE EVENING?
I'M READY TO GO
WHENEVER YOU ARE.
Brian:
NO, YOU CAN'T
LEAVE YET.
YOU'LL MISS
MY BIG NUMBER.
OH, RIGHT, LIKE
YOU'D REALLY GO
THROUGH WITH IT.
WELL, IF YOU
LEAVE NOW, YOU'LL
NEVER KNOW.
Sheba:
DWAYNE!
[ Cheering ]
IF DWAYNE BECOMES KING,
HE'LL BE THE RULER
BY WHOM ALL OTHERS
ARE MEASURED.
I OUGHT TO KNOW, I
MEASURED HIM MYSELF.
All:
[ Laughing/cheering ]
RIGHT. OUR
NEXT CONTESTANT
LIKES YOUNGER MEN.
HIS FAVOURITE PASTIME
IS FEELING SUPERIOR.
HIS SPECIAL SKILL IS
MANIPULATING PEOPLE.
All:
[ Booing ]
MUST BE YOU.
LET'S PUT OUR
HANDS TOGETHER
FOR PITTSBURGH'S
HUNKIEST CHIROPRACTOR,
DR. DAVID CAMERON!
[ Cheering ]
YOU a**hole.
[ Breathlessly ]
DR. CAMERON?
PAGING DR. CAMERON.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
SIGNING UP YOURSELF.
NOW WHY WOULD I
WANT TO DO THAT,
WHEN YOU KNOW
I FIND THIS
OBSESSION
WITH YOUTH AND
ABS AND SEX
SO APPALLING?
YOU DON'T HAVE
TO GO UP THERE.
DON'T WORRY, I HAVE
NO INTENTION OF IT.
THANK GOD.
YOU WOULDN'T
WANT TO MAKE A
FOOL OF YOURSELF
DANCING AROUND
IN YOUR UNDERWEAR
AT YOUR AGE.
DON'T WORRY
ABOUT IT, DOC,
IT WAS...
JUST A JOKE.
WELL, YOU THINK
I CAN'T DO IT?
AT MY AGE?
PAGING DR. CAMERON!
OH, PFFT...
MOTHER OF GOD!
DR. CAMERON?
[ Cheering ]
Crowd: [ Chanting ]
DR. CAMERON! DR. CAMERON!
Michael:
DAVID...
Crowd:
DR. CAMERON! DR. CAMERON!
[ Chanting/cheering ]
[ ?????? ]
OW!
[ ?????? ]
[ Wild cheering ]
HE ISN'T.
YES, HE IS.
[ ?????? ]
OW!
[ ?????? ]
[ Mixed chatter ]
EXCUSE ME,
SERGEANT? WE'RE
HERE TO SEE...
VICTOR GRASSI.
Sergeant:
GRASSI.
OH, UH,
SORRY, LADIES.
YOU HAVE TO COME
BACK LATER. HE'S
STILL BEING PROCESSED.
BUT I'M
HIS SISTER.
AND I'M
MR. GRASSI'S
ATTORNEY.
COULD YOU JUST
TELL ME HOW MUCH
HIS BAIL IS SET AT?
5,000.
WHAT?
$5,000?
ISN'T THAT
HIGH FOR A
FIRST OFFENSE?
SAYS HERE HE'S
GOT A PREVIOUS
ARREST.
FOR WHAT?
POSSESSION OF AN
ILLEGAL SUBSTANCE.
[ Sighing ]
HE WAS PULLED
OVER, IT WAS
10 YEARS AGO.
THERE WAS A
JOINT IN THE
GLOVE COMPARTMENT.
IT WASN'T
EVEN HIS.
THEN WHY DIDN'T
HE SAY SOMETHING?
BECAUSE EVEN WHEN
WE WERE KIDS,
HE NEVER
SQUEALED ON ME.
[ Sighing ]
LOOK, OFFICER.
MY BROTHER'S
VERY SICK.
HE'S GOT TO
TAKE HIS MEDS.
WHAT'S WRONG
WITH HIM?
HE'S H.I.V
POSITIVE.
OH, FIGURES.
EXCUSE ME?
NO DRUGS ALLOWED
IN THE HOLDING CELL
UNTIL THE
PRECINCT DOCTORS
EXAMINE HIM.
BUT THESE ARE PRE-
SCRIPTION MEDICATIONS.
HIS LIFE DEPENDS ON IT.
WELL, IF HE'S
SO SICK, WHAT
WAS HE DOING
HANGING OUT
IN A PUBLIC
MEN'S ROOM?
TAKING A PISS.
Melanie:
JESUS.
COME ON.
[ ?????? ]
AH!
YOU'RE
SO CUTE.
YOU HAVE
GREAT ABS.
UH, WELL, THEY'RE...
THEY'RE ESSENTIAL
FOR, UH,
STRONG BACK SUPPORT
AND GOOD POSTURE.
CALL ME.
YEAH, ME TOO.
ANYTIME.
I'LL MAKE IT SO
WORTH YOUR WHILE.
Michael:
DO YOU MIND?
HE'S ALREADY
TAKEN.
WELL, I SUPPOSE
YOU'RE PLEASED
WITH YOURSELF.
WIPE THAT GRIN
OFF YOUR FACE.
PUT YOUR
SHIRT ON!
MICHAEL...
I DON'T WANT
TO HEAR ANOTHER
WORD ABOUT IT.
A-AH!
COME HERE.
[ ?????? ]
[ Inaudible conversation ]
MAY I HAVE
YOUR ATTENTION,
BOYS AND BOYS?
THE NEXT CONTESTANT
LOVES THE POWER-
PUFF GIRLS,
MARGARITAS AND OLDER MEN
WHO TAKE HIM FOR GRANTED.
HERE'S JUSTIN!
All:
[ Cheering ]
[ ?????? ]
OH, MY... GOD!
YOU GO, BABY!
[ ?????? ]
WHOOO!
[ ?????? ]
?? HIGH SCHOOL, HIGH SCHOOL
CONFIDENTIAL... ??
WAIT.
?? HIGH SCHOOL, HIGH SCHOOL
CONFIDENTIAL... ??
[ ?????? ]
[ Cheering ]
[ ?????? ]
WHOOOOO!
[ ?????? ]
WHERE WERE YOU?
I WAS STARTING
TO WORRY.
SORRY. I
GOT HUNG UP.
THAT'S OKAY.
GAVE ME MORE
TIME TO MISS YOU.
AND BE EVEN
HAPPIER NOW
THAT YOU'RE BACK.
IS THAT
COLOGNE?
HUH?
I GUESS SO.
I DON'T RECALL
YOUR EVER WEARING
COLOGNE.
I JUST STARTED.
IS EVERYTHING
ALL RIGHT?
YOU... YOU SEEM
A LITTLE DISTANT.
EVERYTHING'S FINE.
OKAY.
NOW, WHERE
WERE WE?
UM... OH, YES,
IN OUR CUTE
LITTLE COTTAGE.
NO, WAIT.
I CAN'T
LIE TO YOU.
WE'VE MEANT TOO
MUCH TO EACH
OTHER FOR THAT.
I'VE MET
SOMEONE NEW.
NEW?
WE'VE ONLY BEEN
TOGETHER AN HOUR
AND 45 MINUTES.
LOOK, I DIDN'T
MEAN FOR IT TO
HAPPEN, I SWEAR.
I NEVER, NEVER
MEANT TO HURT YOU.
[ Wild cheers ]
Man:
DRAW, COWBOY! DRAW!
EMMETT!
WAIT.
HOW COULD YOU
DO THIS TO ME?
TO US?
AFTER ALL THAT
WE SHARED?
PLEASE,
DON'T MAKE THIS
HARDER THAN
IT HAS TO BE.
YOU SAID THAT YOU NEVER
FELT SO CLOSE TO ANYONE
IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE.
THAT... THAT WE...
WE WERE TWO HALVES
OF THE SAME SOUL.
THINGS CHANGE.
PEOPLE CHANGE.
I HAVEN'T
CHANGED.
I STILL
LOVE YOU.
IN TIME,
PASSION DIES.
YOU HAVE TO
ACCEPT IT
AND MOVE ON.
FINE.
GO! MOVE ON.
WHO'S STOPPING YOU?
I'LL REMEMBER YOU...
ALWAYS.
YEAH, HOW LONG IS THAT?
TILL TOMORROW?
I GAVE YOU THE BEST MINUTES
OF MY... LIFE, YOU...
[ Stamping of foot ]
[ Emotional ?????? ]
SO YOU GOT THE
NIGHT SHIFT,
HUH, SERGEANT?
I DID THE SAME
THING AT THE DINER.
MIDNIGHT TO 8:00.
IN ADDITION TO
8:00 TO 4:00.
16 HOURS STRAIGHT
TO HELP PAY
FOR MY BROTHER'S
MEDICAL BILLS.
BUT YOU DO THAT
YOU KNOW, WHEN...
SOMEONE IN YOUR
FAMILY'S SICK.
IS THERE ANYBODY
IN YOUR FAMILY WHO
NEEDS ATTENTION?
MY SISTER'S
A DIABETIC.
[ Clearing
of throat ]
SHE GOT IT WHEN
SHE WAS ABOUT 10.
YEAH, SO HOW'S
SHE DOING?
THEY CUT HER LEG
OFF A FEW YEARS AGO.
NOW SHE'S LOSING
HER SIGHT.
GOD BLESS HER.
SO, I IMAGINE
YOU'D SWIM THE
ENGLISH CHANNEL
TO BE THERE
FOR HER, HUH?
ACTUALLY, WE
DON'T SEE MUCH
OF EACH OTHER. WE
NEVER GOT ALONG.
NOW DO YOU MIND?
I'M TRYING TO
WORK HERE.
IT'S A FEW PILLS.
IT'S A FEW
f**king PILLS.
IT'S OKAY.
HOW THE HELL
ARE WE GONNA
GET $5,000?
All:
[ Cheering ]
I BELIEVE WE
HAVE A WINNER.
EVERYBODY, DOWN
ON YOUR KNEES,
WHERE I KNOW YOU
ALL WANT TO BE,
FOR THE NEW KING
OF BABYLON...
HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS...
JUSTIN!
[ Wild cheers ]
HUH!
WHOO!
ME?
YOU.
[ Triumphant ?????? ]
OH-H-H.
WHOEVER THAT
a**hole IS WHO'S
BEEN IGNORING YOU,
HE WON'T BE
TAKING YOU FOR
GRANTED ANY MORE.
THANK YOU.
THANKS.
[ Cheering/clapping ]
[ ?????? ]
[ ?????? ]
DID YOU SEE ME?
YEAH, I SAW YOU.
WELL?
I THINK THAT
CONTEST
WAS RIGGED.
YOU KNOW HIM?
Brian:
YEAH.
I TAUGHT HIM EVERY-
THING HE KNOWS.
EXCEPT HOW
TO DANCE.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
I'D ASK HIM,
ONLY I'M SURE
HE DOESN'T KNOW.
SHAWN.
YOU'RE HOT.
I WAS
WATCHING YOU.
YOU WERE?
YOU MADE ME WANT
TO f**k ALL NIGHT.
YOU WANT TO GET
OUT OF HERE?
YOU LEAD.
I THOUGHT
WE HAD PLANS.
[ Snorting ]
IF YOU COULDN'T
DO BETTER.
I TOLD YOU
I MIGHT HAVE
PLANS TOO.
WHAT'S HIS
PROBLEM?
HE'S JUST
MY STALKER.
I SUPPOSE WE
COULD HAVE
A THREE-WAY,
ONLY, HE'S
KINDA OLD.
[ Chuckle ]
WE'RE ALSO
KINDA LEAVING.
[ ?????? ]
'SCUSE ME,
BUT AREN'T YOU THE
PERSON WHO SAID
ABOUT AN HOUR AGO
THAT THEY'D
HAD ENOUGH OF
THIS PULSATING,
GRINDING FLESH
AND WANTED
TO GO HOME?
WHAT'S THE RUSH?
THERE'S NO RUSH.
I JUST THOUGHT
YOU DIDN'T APPROVE.
YOU KNOW, ALL
THE MISPLACED
EMPHASIS ON SMOOTH,
MUSCULAR BODIES,
THE OBSESSION
WITH YOUTH, AND
THE SHALLOW VALUES.
WELL, MAYBE
I WAS BEING A
LITTLE JUDGMENTAL.
TRY HYPOCRITICAL.
WHO'S BEING
JUDGMENTAL NOW?
JUST BE HONEST.
DON'T PUT SOMEONE
DOWN FOR DOING
SOMETHING
YOU'VE ALWAYS
WISHED YOU COULD
DO, BUT DIDN'T
HAVE THE GUTS.
I'M GOING HOME.
MICHAEL.
THERE'S MICHAEL.
SO?
WELL SO...
YOU HAVEN'T SEEN
HIM ALL NIGHT. DON'T
YOU WANT TO...
I ALREADY TOLD
YOU, I'D RATHER
BE WITH YOU.
I KNOW, BUT...
IS THERE SOME
SORT OF...
WHAT?
PROBLEM? ON
ACCOUNT OF ME?
OF COURSE NOT.
'CAUSE IF
THERE IS,
I DON'T WANT TO
COME BETWEEN YOU
AND YOUR FRIENDS.
YOU'RE NOT.
EVEN IF YOU WERE,
IT WOULDN'T MATTER.
LOOK...
DON'T SAY THAT.
I DON'T WANT
TO DO ANYTHING
TO HURT YOU.
IF I EVER THOUGHT
I WAS GOING TO COME
BETWEEN YOU AND
YOUR FRIENDS...
IF A FRIEND
OF MINE HAS A
PROBLEM WITH YOU,
ALL IT MEANS IS HE
WAS NEVER REALLY MY
FRIEND TO BEGIN WITH.
[ ?????? ]
?? YOU LOOK SO FINE ??
?? OUT TO BREAK
YOUR HEART ??
?? I'M GIVING MINE ??
?? YOU'RE TAKING ME OVER ??
?? IT'S SO INSANE ??
?? YOU'VE GOT ME
DOWN AND CHAINED ??
?? I HEAR YOUR NAME ??
?? I'M FALLING OVER ??
?? KNOCKED DOWN,
CRY OUT... ??
[ Muttering ]
Debbie:
MICHAEL!
MA, MELANIE,
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
WHERE'S BRIAN?
I-I WAS HOPING
MAYBE YOU COULD HELP.
WELL, I WOULD, DEBBIE,
BUT I CAN'T REALLY OPEN A
BANK ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.
MAYBE
CREDIT CARDS?
NO, THE MAXIMUM
WITHDRAWAL AT
AN ATM IS $500.
I CAN COVER
IT. CAN THEY
TAKE A CHEQUE?
Melanie:
ONLY IF IT'S
CERTIFIED.
Debbie:
s**t!
I MEAN, COULD THEY
MAKE IT ANY MORE
f**king DIFFICULT?
Melanie:
OKAY, YOU
KNOW WHAT?
WE'RE GOING TO
HAVE TO CALL A
BAIL BONDSMAN.
[ ?????? ]
Blake:
IF YOU CALL
THIS NUMBER,
MENTION THIS
GUY'S NAME,
HE'LL PUT UP
THE BAIL FOR YOU.
Ted:
WHAT WAS THAT
ALL ABOUT?
I ASKED DINO
FOR A FAVOUR.
Debbie:
THANK YOU.
OH...
THANK YOU, UM...
BLAKE.
Debbie:
BLAKE.
AH, THANK YOU,
I'M DEBBIE.
OH! OH, OH,
THANK YOU!
[ Stammering ]
THAT'S SOME
FRIEND YOU'VE GOT.
I LIKE TO
THINK SO.
Debbie:
OH, THANK YOU!
WHERE'D YOU
FIND HIM?
Ted:
IT'S A LONG
STORY, DEB.
THANKS.
NO PROBLEM.
LOOK...
I'M SORRY IF
I'VE BEEN...
SHITTY.
IT'S BECAUSE YOU
CARE ABOUT TED.
SO DO I.
Ted:
DID I MISS
SOMETHING?
NO.
WHAT?
NO.
NOTHING.
NOTHING.
OKAY, WE'RE ALL
SET. LET'S GO.
THANKS AGAIN!
JESUS CHRIST,
SIS, I TOLD YOU
NOT TO TELL ANYONE.
Michael:
THERE'S NOTHING
TO BE ASHAMED
OF, UNCLE VIC.
WE KNOW YOU'RE
INNOCENT.
I JUST WANT TO
GO HOME. CAN WE
PLEASE GO HOME?
YES, I'LL
TAKE YOU HOME
RIGHT NOW.
BUT FIRST I
WANT YOU TO
TAKE YOUR MEDS.
I'VE BEEN TRYING
TO GET YOUR MEDS
TO YOU ALL NIGHT.
IT'S ALL RIGHT,
THE DESK SERGEANT
GAVE ME MY PILLS.
LET'S GO.
I DON'T THINK
I'VE EVER SEEN
YOU SO JEALOUS.
I AM NOT
JEALOUS.
OH, NOW WHO'S
BEING DISHONEST?
WELL HOW WOULD
YOU FEEL IF
YOUR BOYFRIEND
WAS BEING OGLED BY
EVERY FAG IN TOWN?
IT SO
HAPPENS HE IS.
OH, I AM, YEAH.
CONSTANTLY.
ONLY YOU
NEVER NOTICE.
YEAH. OH, YEAH.
THAT'S MY PROBLEM,
FAULTY GAYDAR.
LUCKY FOR ME.
SO NOW THAT YOU'VE
PROVEN TO EVERYONE
HOW HOT YOU ARE
EVEN AT YOUR AGE,
I SUPPOSE YOU'RE
GOING TO...
BE OUT PARTYING
EVERY NIGHT.
NOT EVERY NIGHT.
[ Chuckling ]
BUT IT WAS
NICE TO GET
THE ATTENTION,
TO KNOW I'M STILL
ATTRACTIVE.
I MUST ADMIT,
HOT YOUNG MEN WITH
SMOOTH, MUSCULAR
BODIES HAVE A
CERTAIN APPEAL.
BUT THERE ARE
OTHER THINGS.
WORK. MY SON...
AND YOU.
SO BEFORE YOU HANG
THESE JEANS UP UNTIL
NEXT LAUNDRY DAY,
HOW ABOUT DOING
A LITTLE DANCE
FOR ME?
[ ?????? ]
?? I'M SO HOT ??
?? OOH, OOH-OOH-OOH ??
?? MOVE A LITTLE
BIT CLOSER ??
?? JUST A LITTLE BIT ??
YEAH!
?? OOH, OOH-OOH-OOH ??
?? I'M SO HOT ??
KRCQ WEATHER,
IT'S HEATING UP. YEAH.
?? JUST A LITTLE
BIT CLOSER... ??
THIS COFFEE'S FOR s**t.
SO JUSTIN'S THE NEW
KING OF BABYLON.
SO, THE, UH, CUB CAUGHT
THE LION'S PREY, HM.
Ted:
SO...
EVEN THOUGH YOU'D
LIKE TO REST ON
YOUR LAURELS,
SECURE IN YOUR
POSITION OF POWER,
NOW YOU KNOW
THEY'RE SNAPPING
AT YOUR HEELS.
AND YOU'RE GOING TO
HAVE TO RUN FASTER
AND FASTER...
SO WHY DON'T YOU PASS
THE f**king SUGAR?
Emmett:
YOU SHOULD BE
PROUD OF HIM.
LIKE FATHER,
LIKE SON.
[ Scoffing ]
HEY, ISN'T
THAT BRENT?
Blake:
WHO'S BRENT?
EMMETT'S
OLD FLAME.
MUST BE HIS
NEW LOVE.
WHERE ARE
YOU GOING?
BEEN A
LONG TIME.
I'VE THOUGHT
OF YOU...
OFTEN.
YOU LOOK GOOD.
YOU TOO.
YOU SEEING ANYONE?
NOT REALLY.
YOU?
WE JUST MET.
SO YOU'LL BE
FREE TONIGHT.
PROBABLY.
WOULD YOU...
DON'T!
WE CAN'T
GO BACK.
I PREFER TO
REMEMBER...
THE WAY WE WERE.
[ Emotional ?????? ]
Ted & Michael:
HEY-Y-Y!
All:
[ Clapping ]
HAIL TO
THE KING.
WHAT A NIGHT.
SO, HOW WAS HE?
HE HAD THE
GREATEST a**.
I BROUGHT HIM
BACK, I FUCKED
HIM ALL NIGHT.
I THINK MY d*ck'S
GOING TO BE
SORE FOR A WEEK.
THAT'S ENOUGH.
ACTUALLY, I'D
LIKE TO HEAR MORE.
SPEAK SLOWLY
AND ENUNCIATE.
Justin:
[ Chuckling ]
UH, HE GAVE
GREAT HEAD.
HE WANTED ME
TO f**k HIM
WITH MY CROWN ON.
IT'S KIND
OF KINKY.
All:
[ Snort/chuckle ]
AFTER A WHILE
THOUGH, HE GOT
REALLY CLINGY.
HE WANTED TO KNOW
WHEN HE COULD
SEE ME AGAIN...
SO WHAT'D YOU TELL HIM?
I TOLD HIM THAT
HE COULD SEE ME
IN HIS DREAMS.
Emmett:
SO.
WHO'S UP FOR
THE ABSOLUTE
ABS CONTEST?
?? BIG, THICK MUSCLES ??
[ ?????? ]
?? BIG, THICK MUSCLES ??
[ ?????? ]
CLOSED CAPTIONED
BYCOMPREHENSIVE DISTRIBUTORS
[ ?????? ]
GIRLFRIEND, LEMME
TELL YA AGAIN.
I MET THIS MAN
THE OTHER NIGHT.
TIGHT, GLEAMING MUSCLES
RIPPLIN' ALL
OVER THE PLACE.
HE WAS MAKIN' ME HOT.
HE MADE ME WET AND HE
TURNED ME ON ALL NIGHT LONG
DRIVIN' ME OUT OF MY MIND
DRIVIN' ME OUT OF MY
MOTHER-FUCKIN' MIND, GIRL.
YOU SHOULDA SEEN HIM.
AND YOU SHOULDA SEENIT!
I'M TALKIN' A
12-INCH, BABY...
MOO!
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...
ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, FIVE, SIX...
SHAKE IT, DUDE!
[ ?????? ]
[ ?????? ]
[ Moaning ]
[ ?????? ]
HAS ANYBODY HEARD
FROM BRIAN?
I'VE BEEN TRYING
TO REACH HIM ALL DAY.
ME TOO, BUT HE
HASN'T RETURNED
ANY OF MY CALLS.
I HOPE HE'S
ALL RIGHT.
I WONDER HOW THE
CONDEMNED MAN'S
SPENDING HIS
FINAL HOURS?
DOING PENANCE?
DOING DRUGS.
DOING AS MANY
GUYS AS HE CAN?
All:
BINGO.
MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T
GO THROUGH WITH THIS.
HE MADE IT CLEAR
HE DOESN'T WANT
TO BE REMINDED.
WE'RE NOT EVEN
SUPPOSED TO
MENTION IT.
IT COULD GET
UGLY. REALLY UGLY.
STILL, IT IS
AN EVENT OF
HISTORIC PROPORTION.
LIKE THE MOON
LANDING, OR THE
FALL OF COMMUNISM.
IT IS OUR DUTY
AS FRIENDS TO
COMMEMORATE IT.
AND MAKE SURE
HE REMEMBERS IT.
ALWAYS.
All:
[ Chuckling ]
[ Moaning ]
[ Clanging of alarms ]
[ ?????? ]
Michael:
BRIAN!
HELLO IN THERE.
WAKE UP, SLEEPY HEAD.
Brian:
WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE?
OH, YOU MEAN YOU
HAVEN'T HEARD?
IT'S THE LAST
DAY OF THE REST
OF YOUR LIFE.
Brian:
DID I DIE?
NO, BUT YOU'LL
WISH YOU HAD.
YOU'RE 30.
[ Mocking laughter ]
GO AWAY!
SORRY, GRAMPA.
I SAID GO AWAY.
NO SUCH LUCK.
Justin:
GRAB HIM!
Ted:
CAREFUL,
HE BITES.
Melanie:
GET HIS GUCCI,
PRADA, ARMANI.
JESUS, WHAT
A LABEL QUEEN.
Lindsay:
UPSY-DAISY.
LEAVE ME ALONE.
BELIEVE ME,
BRIAN, THIS IS
GOING TO HURT YOU
A LOT MORE
THAN IT'S GOING
TO HURT US.
GET HIM!
[ Laughing ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Church ?????? ]
WHAT IS THIS?
YOUR OFFICIAL
MEMBERSHIP
TO THE DEAD
FAGGOTS SOCIETY.
AND WHO ARE YOU,
THE f**king
FOUNDING FATHER?
OH, YOU KNOW, YOU
REALLY ARE GOING
TO NEED TO GET
SOME NEW MATERIAL,
NOW THAT YOU
ARE... ONE OF "US".
Michael:
WAIT, SHOULDN'T
HE MAKE A
WISH FIRST?
OH, HON, HE
ALREADY HAS.
HE'S STILL 30.
HEY, WHO
WANTS SOME
DEATHDAY CAKE?
DEATHDAY CAKE?
OH, YEAH.
DEATHDAY CAKE?
Justin:
I'LL HAVE SOME...
SINCE I WON'T
HAVE TO DEAL WITH
THE WHOLE AGE ISSUE
FOR A LONG,
LONG TIME.
IT'S NOT SO BAD.
YOU FORGET ABOUT
IT, YOU GO ON.
ESPECIALLY WHEN
YOU CONSIDER THE
ALTERNATIVE.
THINK OF ALL
THE FUN YOU'RE
GOING TO HAVE,
GOING TO NEW YORK,
PARTYING WITH
THE BIG BOYS.
YOU'VE JUST ONLY
BEGUN TO f**k.
I'M NOT GOING
TO NEW YORK.
Justin:
WHAT?
Melanie:
HUH?
I SAID I'M NOT...
I'M NOT GOING
TO NEW YORK.
[ Mixed chatter ]
THE JOB FELL THROUGH.
WHY THE f**k DIDN'T
YOU TELL ME?
WHAT DIFFERENCE
DOES IT MAKE?
YOU'VE GOT YOUR
PLANS WITH DAVID.
I KNOW, BUT...
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
Justin:
NO BIG DEAL?
IT'S ALL YOU'VE
BEEN TALKING ABOUT,
LEAVING, NOT
LOOKING BACK.
YOU EVEN PUT
YOUR LOFT ON
THE MARKET.
WELL, I CAN JUST TAKE
IT OFF THE MARKET.
ANYWAY, IT
DOESN'T MATTER.
I'M ALREADY DEAD.
[ Popping of balloon ]
[ Yelps of surprise ]
Man:
OKAY, STUFF
MARKED "P", WHERE
DOES THAT GO?
David:
ALL BOXES MARKED
WITH "P" GO
TO PORTLAND.
Man:
"S"?
STORAGE.
HEY, MICHAEL!
YOU DIDN'T YOU TELL
ME THE MOVING MEN
WERE COMING TODAY.
OH, I THOUGHT
I DID.
THAT ONE'S
STORAGE. OKAY?
I BETTER
FINISH PACKING
MY STUFF.
NO, IT'S OKAY.
I DID IT.
BUT I
DON'T KNOW...
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S AN
"S" AND WHAT'S A "P".
CAPTAIN ASTRO,
ROBOTS, COMIC
BOOKS ARE A "P",
CLOTHES, VIDEO
EQUIPMENT...
OH, AND...
YOU SHOULD
GIVE THIS TO
YOUR FRIENDS
AND YOUR MOTHER.
THAT'S OUR
NEW ADDRESS.
NEW ADDRESS?
WHEN DID WE...
WHEN DID WE GET A PLACE?
I RENTED A HOUSE
ON THE INTERNET.
WHY DIDN'T
YOU TELL ME?
WELL, THERE JUST
WASN'T TIME. I MEAN,
WE WOULD'VE LOST IT.
YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE
THE PLACE, IT'S GOT
AN ATRIUM, A POOL...
SOUNDS GREAT.
UM...
LOOK, I'M
GOING TO GO PICK
UP THE TICKETS.
NO, DON'T
HAVE TO.
I DID IT.
OH. OH, WELL...
OKAY. THEN
I'M GOING
TO CALL TED.
HE WAS GOING TO
GIVE US A RIDE
TO THE AIRPORT.
NO NEED. I
BOOKED A CAR.
IS THERE ANY-
THING I CAN DO?
UH, YEAH,
YOU CAN...
STAND THERE AND
LOOK GORGEOUS,
WHICH YOU DO
SO BEAUTIFULLY.
ISN'T IT GREAT
TO BE IN LOVE
WITH A GUY WHO
DOES EVERYTHING?
YEAH. UM...
SO I GUESS I'LL JUST GO
TO THE BEAUTY PARLOUR
AND GET MY NAILS DONE.
WHEN BINDER CALLS
FROM THE ACLU, PUT
HIM RIGHT THROUGH.
WELL, THIS DAY
IS JUST FULL
OF SURPRISES.
IS THIS A FUN VISIT
OR DO YOU TWO NEED
A GOOD LAWYER?
HM, WHAT WE NEED
IS A GOOD LUNCH.
[ Chuckling ]
WE THOUGHT WE'D...
TAKE BLAKE OUT, IF
YOU CAN SPARE HIM.
OH, I'D BE HAPPY
TO, IF HE WAS HERE.
HE HASN'T
COME IN TODAY.
OH...
THAT'S RIGHT.
I-I FORGOT
THAT HE...
HE MENTIONED THIS
MORNING HE WASN'T
FEELING WELL.
HE, UH... YEAH,
I... I THINK HE'S
GOT THE FLU...
OR SOMETHING
AND, UH...
H-HE DIDN'T WANT
TO SHARE HIS
GERMS WITH ANYONE.
WELL, THAT'S THOUGHTFUL
BUT FRANKLY, TEDDY,
THIS ISN'T THE FIRST
TIME. AND WHEN HE
IS HERE, HE'S SLOW
AND HE DOESN'T COMPLETE
TASKS WE ASSIGN HIM.
THE OTHER PARTNERS
ARE PISSED. THEY
WANT HIM GONE.
Secretary:
MELANIE,
LINE ONE.
WELL, I MEAN...
I'LL TALK TO HIM.
I-I DON'T KNOW...
OH, THAT'S MY CALL.
'SCUSE ME, GUYS.
YES, HI. THIS IS
MELANIE MARCUS.
UH, I'M GETTING...
DON'T SAY
ANYTHING.
ME? OH, I WOULDN'T
DREAM OF IT.
EXCEPT IT'S NOT
HIS GERMS HE DIDN'T
WANT TO SHARE.
IT'S HIS DRUGS.
THANK YOU
FOR NOT SAYING
ANYTHING.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS
HAVE TO BE SO
f**king CYNICAL?
I'M NOT CYNICAL.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'D RATHER BE
f**king CYNICAL
THAN IN f**king
DENIAL.
[ Clearing
of throat ]
WELL, HE HAS
A COLD AND
A SORE THROAT
ACCOMPANIED BY
THE ACHES AND
PAINS OF FEVER
AND CONGESTION.
IF THE SYMPTOMS
PERSIST, WE'LL
CONSULT A PHYSICIAN.
NOW, LET'S GO TO
THE SHRIMPBOAT.
Debbie:
YOU'LL LOVE THE
BARBECUE, JEN.
IT'S A P-FLAG
TRADITION.
Vic:
DEBBIE
STARTED IT.
THERE'RE SO MANY
SERIOUS ISSUES
TO DEAL WITH,
I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS
A NICE WAY TO HAVE
FUN WITH YOUR KIDS.
I'M LOOKING
FORWARD TO IT.
I'M NOT THAT SURE
HOW EAGER JUSTIN'S
GOING TO BE.
I'LL WORK ON HIM.
THEY'VE GOT
EVERYTHING ON
STAMPS THESE DAYS.
COMPOSERS, BIRDS,
EVEN THE
THREE STOOGES.
SO WHEN ARE THEY GOING
TO HAVE "FAMOUS FAGS"?
[ Chuckling ]
YOU CAN BE ON THE
69-CENT STAMP, HONEY.
[ Laughing ]
HEY, MOM.
HI.
HI.
[ Chuckling ]
YOU'RE GOING WITH
YOUR MOM TO THE
P-FLAG BARBECUE
AND I DON'T WANT
TO HEAR ANOTHER
WORD ABOUT IT.
OKAY.
HOW DO YOU THINK
I GOT MICHAEL TO
GO ALL THOSE YEARS?
IT'S THE FIRST ONE
HE'S GONNA HAVE MISSED
SINCE HE WAS 18.
WELL, AT LEAST HE'S
WHERE HE BELONGS,
WITH THE MAN
HE LOVES.
ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE
OF THE GODDAMN WORLD.
Justin:
LOOK AT IT
THIS WAY, DEB;
YOU'VE HAD HIM
ALL THIS TIME.
LISTEN TO HIM.
TELL YOU WHAT, WE
CAN SHARE JUSTIN.
Debbie:
PRETTY SOON HE'LL
BE GONE TOO.
GRADUATION'S
COMING UP...
THE PROM...
Vic:
THE PROM.
I WENT WITH
CONNIE COSTELLO.
[ Mocking laugh ]
200 POUNDS
WRAPPED IN
PURPLE SATIN.
SHE WAS LIKE A
STUFFED GRAPE LEAF.
Debbie:
[ Laughing ]
OF COURSE, I
COULDN'T TAKE WHO
I REALLY WANTED TO.
LANCE ROCCO.
LANCE ROCCO.
PISSER OF
A KISSER.
I WOUND UP
DANCING WITH
CONNIE.
HE WOUND UP NOT
GOING AT ALL.
YEAH, I'M NOT
GOING EITHER.
WHY NOT?
LIKE VIC SAID, IT'S
FOR STRAIGHT KIDS.
I THINK THE
PROM'S FOR EVERYONE,
STRAIGHT OR GAY.
THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S ONE OF THOSE...
THOSE GROWING UP
EXPERIENCES.
YOU KNOW, WHAT
IN THE HELL DO
THEY CALL IT?
RITES OF PASSAGE?
THAT'S IT.
IT'S LIKE... LIKE LOSING
YOUR VIRGINITY
OR... OR... OR GETTING
YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE.
I'D JUST HATE TO SEE
YOU DEPRIVE YOURSELF
OF THE EXPERIENCE
BECAUSE YOU THINK
YOU DON'T BELONG.
[ Opera ?????? ]
[ Sigh ]
[ Opening of door ]
[ Opera ?????? ]
[ Stopping of ?????? ]
HEY, TEDDY.
WHERE'VE YOU BEEN?
OUT.
HOW'RE YOU
FEELING?
GREAT.
THEN WHY WEREN'T
YOU AT WORK?
I STOPPED BY
TO TAKE YOU
OUT TO LUNCH,
MELANIE SAID YOU'D
CALLED IN SICK.
MM, MM-HM...
HMMM.
HMM!
YEAH. I HAD, UH...
HUH...
ONE OF THOSE 24-HOUR
BUG THINGS. BUT...
I'M FEELING A
LOT BETTER NOW.
WELL, YOU'D BETTER
NOT MISS ANY MORE
DAYS BECAUSE...
THEY MIGHT...
[ Chuckling ]
DON'T WORRY.
I'LL BE THERE
ALL BRIGHT-EYED
AND BUSHY-TAILED...
FIRST THING
IN THE MORNING.
UH-HUH.
PROMISE.
GOOD...
[ Chuckle ]
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE
Y-YOU'RE DOING...
YOU'RE DOING SO WELL.
SO... REALLY WELL.
[ Stammering ]
I-I-I'D HATE
TO SEE YOU...
f**k ME.
WHAT?
I SAID,
"f**k ME".
BLAKE, A-ARE YOU
LISTENING TO ME?
ARE YOU
LISTENING TO ME?
HEY...
WHAT'RE YOU... ?
MMM.
WHAT'RE YOU...?
I... WANT YOU...
TO f**k THE
s**t OUT OF ME,
ALL NIGHT LONG.
ALL RIGHT,
STOP IT.
STOP IT.
STOP!
I SAID STOP IT!
I WANT IT!
PLEASE?
[ Panting ]
COME ON.
[ Unzipping of fly ]
[ Panting ]
GIVE IT TO ME.
OH, YEAH.
OH, YEAH.
[ Moaning/
panting ]
[ ?????? ]
Brian:
DOUBLE ABSOLUT.
Michael:
DIET PEPSI.
Emmett:
GRAND MARNIER COSMO.
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT?
THIS MAY BE THE
LAST TIME WE'RE
EVER STANDING HERE
AT THIS BAR
ORDERING DRINKS.
IS THAT ALL? I
THOUGHT IT WAS
SOMETHING SERIOUS.
THINK THEY HAVE A
BABYLON IN PORTLAND?
HUH, YOU THINK
THEY HAVE ANY
QUEERS IN PORTLAND?
WELL, THERE WILL
BE AT LEAST TWO
THAT WE KNOW OF.
WELL, YOU'RE GOING
TO COME AND VISIT
ME, WON'T YOU?
IF YOU WANTED
VISITORS,
YOU PROBABLY
SHOULD'VE MOVED
TO SOUTH BEACH.
OH... MIKEY.
THIS MIGHT BE
THE LAST TIME
WE SEE EACH OTHER.
I'M GOING TO
MISS YOU SO MUCH.
[ Sniffling ]
NO. NO, I'M NOT
GOING TO CRY.
AS MARTHA
STEWART SAYS,
WHEN LIFE
GETS YOU DOWN,
HAVE A PARTY.
SO THAT'S WHAT
I'M GOING TO DO.
I'M GOING TO GIVE
YOU A PARTY.
OKAY, WE'LL
NEED A THEME.
NEED A THEME, UM...
WHAT THE f**k DO THEY
HAVE IN PORTLAND?
LUMBERJACKS?
OH, MAYBE I WILL COME
PAY YOU A VISIT.
OH MY GOD!
I'VE GOT IT.
FLANNEL.
WE'LL ALL
WEAR FLANNEL.
OH, THAT'S
PERFECT.
AND IF YOU
DON'T HAVE ANY,
YOU COULD ALWAYS
BORROW SOME
FROM LINDSAY
AND MELANIE.
THERE, I...
I FEEL MUCH
BETTER ALREADY.
OH, MY GOD.
[ Sobbing ]
MY LIFE'S GOING
TO BE SO EMPTY.
YOU STILL HAVE
ME. I'M NOT
GOING ANYWHERE.
HURRAY.
[ ?????? ]
Michael:
BRIAN...
[ ?????? ]
Michael:
BRIAN!
[ ?????? ]
BRIAN, WAIT
A SECOND.
GO HOME
AND PACK.
DAVID'S TAKING
CARE OF THAT.
HE'S... HE'S TAKING
CARE OF EVERYTHING.
WHAT DO YOU PLAN ON
DOING WHEN YOU GET
TO FABULOUS PORTLAND?
ARE YOU GOING TO
LEAVE ALL THAT UP
TO DAVID TOO?
I HAVEN'T HAD
TIME TO THINK
ABOUT IT.
YOU KNOW, WE'VE
JUST BEEN SO BUSY.
LEASING HIS HOUSE,
AND... AND TAKING
CARE OF HIS PRACTICE
AND SHIPPING
HIS CAR...
f**k "HIS".
WHAT ABOUT
"YOURS"?
YOU KNOW WHAT,
f**k IT.
DO WHATEVER
YOU WANT.
[ ?????? ]
HE'S FAR TOO
YOUNG FOR YOU.
DO YOU WANT
TO DANCE?
NO, AT MY
ADVANCED YEARS
I MIGHT FALL
AND BREAK MY HIP.
NAH, WOULD YOU
STOP WITH THE OLD
AGE s**t ALREADY?
IT'S NOT LIKE
YOU'RE 40.
WHAT'RE YOU DOING
ON FRIDAY NIGHT?
FRIDAY, FRIDAY,
FRIDAY...
I DON'T KNOW, MY SHORT-
TERM MEMORY'S NOT WHAT
IT USED TO BE. UH...
DO YOU WANNA COME
TO MY PROM WITH ME?
AS WHAT? YOUR CHAPERONE?
AS MY DATE.
HUH... I'D LOVE TO.
YEAH?
BUT MY PROM DRESS
IS STILL AT THE
DRY CLEANERS.
OH, COME ON.
ARE YOU OUT
OF YOUR MIND?
GO AND ASK
SOME GIRL.
I DON'T WANT
TO GO WITH
SOME GIRL.
I WANT TO GO WITH
SOMEONE I CARE ABOUT.
IF THAT HAPPENS TO
BE A GUY, WHO CARES?
YOU KNOW, THAT'S
JUST WHAT I NEED,
TO BE AT A DANCE
WITH A BUNCH OF
f**king 18-YEAR-OLDS.
I THOUGHT YOU LIKED
f**king 18-YEAR-OLDS.
GO BUY A
CORSAGE...
FOR SOMEONE ELSE.
SOMEBODY LOOKS
ALL FUCKED OUT.
[ Sighing ]
SOMEBODY IS.
SOMEBODY NEEDS
VITAMINS.
COFFEE...
OVER HERE.
BLAKE AND I HAD
SEX ALL NIGHT.
[ Chuckling ]
GOT A HALF-
HOUR'S SLEEP.
OKAY, THIS IS
WHAT WE CALL A
"HIGH-END" PROBLEM.
ONLY IT WASN'T
HIM I WAS f**king.
IT WAS SOME DRUG.
DON'T LOOK SO
GODDAMN SMUG.
YOU WERE RIGHT,
OKAY? YOU HAPPY?
NO... TEDDY,
I'M NOT HAPPY.
I'M SORRY.
WHAT THE f**k AM
I GOING TO DO?
[ Sighing ]
SIMPLE, HONEY.
YOU'RE GOING
TO DRINK
YOUR COFFEE.
HERE'S THE CREAM.
THEN YOU'RE GOING
TO GO HOME...
AND YOU'RE GOING TO
CHANGE THE LOCKS.
JUST SHUT HIM OUT,
LIKE HE DOESN'T EXIST?
WELL, THAT OR YOU
CAN KEEP LYING
TO YOURSELF,
YOU KNOW, MAKING
EXCUSES FOR HIM,
LIVING IN A
STATE OF PANIC
EVERY TIME HE
DISAPPEARS,
NOT KNOWING
IF HE'S ALIVE
OR DEAD.
AND THEN WHEN
HE FINALLY SHOWS
UP A MESS,
HAVING THE
SUPREME JOY OF
PUTTING HIM BACK
TOGETHER AGAIN.
I-I... I CAN'T.
[ Stammering ]
I... I CAN'T
DO THAT.
I JUST...
I JUST...
OKAY.
OKAY, OKAY.
THEN, UM... THEN
LET'S TRY DOOR
NUMBER TWO.
"AUNT BETTY'S B & B".
HE CAN, UH... HE CAN
JOIN THE LONG LIST
OF ILLUSTRIOUS GUESTS,
LIKE LIZ AND LIZA.
PLUS, UH...
IT'LL BE A
GOOD TEST...
TO SEE WHO
HE LOVES MORE,
YOU...
OR CRYSTAL.
FAG!
f**k YOU, HOBBS.
Daphne:
YOU OKAY?
WHAT AN a**hole.
THANK GOD I
WON'T HAVE TO
SEE HIM AGAIN
FOR THE REST
OF MY LIFE.
YEAH, OR...
ANYONE ELSE
HERE EITHER.
I WASN'T TALKING
ABOUT YOU.
[ Ringing of class bell ]
SO, ARE YOU
GOING TO
THE PROM?
ARE YOU KIDDING?
I KNOW.
I WASN'T GONNA
GO EITHER,
BUT DEB SAID
IT WAS THIS
RITE OF PASSAGE
AND IF I MISSED
IT, THEN I WOULD
REGRET IT FOR THE
REST OF MY LIFE.
SO I ASKED BRIAN.
NO!
HE TURNED ME
DOWN, THOUGH.
OH, s**t!
CAN YOU
IMAGINE?
PEOPLE'S HEADS
WOULD'VE EXPLODED.
I KNOW.
IT WOULD'VE BEEN
THE PERFECT
"f**k YOU AND FAREWELL
TO ST. JAMES ACADEMY".
I MISSED YOU, DAPH.
YOU TOO.
SO...
HOW ABOUT YOU AND
ME GOING TOGETHER?
LIKE A DATE?
MMM, LIKE FRIENDS...
BEST FRIENDS.
ONLY...
WEIRDNESS OVER?
WEIRDNESS
DEFINITELY OVER.
OKAY.
[ Giggle ]
OH, I THINK THAT'S
SO ADORABLE THAT
HE ASKED YOU...
DESPITE THE
SOMEWHAT QUESTION-
ABLE DIFFERENCE
IN YOUR AGES
AND THE FACT
THAT EMOTIONALLY
HE'S 12 YEARS
YOUR SENIOR.
NOT GOING.
TOO OLD.
OH, SO YOU'RE
30. I KNOW,
IT'S SO TRAUMATIC,
BUT IT IS SOMETHING
WE ALL GO THROUGH.
IF YOU'RE
LUCKY ENOUGH TO
LIVE THAT LONG.
BUT TO CARRY ON
LIKE IT'S THE END
OF YOUR LIFE?
IT IS.
IT'S THE
BEGINNING.
A WHOLE NEW
WAY OF THINKING
ABOUT YOURSELF.
FEELING A WHOLE
NEW SENSE OF
ENTITLEMENT,
AND ACCOMPLISHMENT.
THAT'S FROM THE
"LA JEUNESSE" ANTI-
AGING COMMERCIAL.
I WROTE THAT
f**king COPY.
OH-H...
OKAY. WELL, I GUESS
I ONLY QUOTE FROM
THE MASTERS. HMM.
BUT IT'S
THE TRUTH.
I WANT WRINKLES,
I WANT TO HAVE
GREY HAIR.
I WANT GUS
TO MAKE ME A
GRANDMOTHER.
I WANT TO GROW
OLD WITH MELANIE.
DO YOU WANT ME TO
PUKE RIGHT HERE?
I DON'T WANT GREY
HAIR AND WRINKLES.
I DON'T WANT TO
BE A GRANDFATHER.
AND I DEFINITELY...
DON'T WANT TO
GROW OLD WITH
MELANIE...
OR ANYONE ELSE.
WHAT DO
YOU WANT?
THIS.
IT'S VERY
BEAUTIFUL.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE
YOU'RE RIGHT.
MAYBE I SHOULD
CELEBRATE
TURNING 30.
GIVE MYSELF
SOMETHING
VERY SPECIAL.
NOW YOU'RE
TALKING.
DAVID? DAVID?
WHAT IS IT?
WHERE'S MY PLAID FLANNEL?
IT USED TO BE
RIGHT HERE.
OH, OH, I
PACKED IT.
WHAT AM I
SUPPOSED TO WEAR
TO EMMETT'S PARTY?
YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO WEAR FLANNEL.
HERE.
TRY THAT ON.
THANKS.
YOU'LL LOOK
GOOD IN THAT.
THAT'S TOO SMALL
ON ME. YOU KEEP IT.
I DON'T NEED
YOUR HAND-ME-DOWNS.
WHAT I NEED IS...
SOMEBODY WHO
LISTENS TO ME.
WHAT?
WELL, TO THINK ABOUT...
W-WHAT I'M GOING TO DO
WHEN WE GET TO PORTLAND.
I MEAN, WE HAVEN'T
EVEN DISCUSSED IT.
OKAY, LET'S
DISCUSS IT.
W-WELL, I... I
THOUGHT THAT, UM...
YOU KNOW, MAYBE
I WOULDN'T WORK
AT ANOTHER BIG Q,
YOU KNOW, THAT
MAYBE I'D, UH...
UM... I-I'D
TRY SOMETHING
TOTALLY DIFFERENT.
YOU KNOW, A
WHOLE NEW TRACK,
MAYBE EVEN GO
BACK TO COLLEGE.
UM...
UH...
OH, I JUST
REMEMBERED,
I TOLD THE
PEOPLE THAT ARE
LEASING THE HOUSE
I'D PUT THE
SCREEN DOORS IN
BEFORE WE LEFT.
OH, I CAN DO IT.
OH, THAT'S OKAY.
I'LL TAKE
CARE OF IT.
WELL, I USED TO HELP
MY MOM PUT ON THE
SCREEN DOORS EVERY YEAR.
IT'S OKAY, I'M
GOOD WITH MY
HANDS, REMEMBER?
[ Crying of night bird ]
[ Buzzing of insects ]
Debbie:
HE-E-E-E-EY!
HI, HONEY.
COME IN, COME
IN, COME IN.
OKAY!
HI, BABY. AWW...
[ Bawling of moose ]
I FEEL LIKE
I'M IN A
FUCKIN' FOREST.
IT EVEN SMELLS
LIKE A FUCKIN'
FOREST.
THAT WOULD BE
THE MIRACLE
OF PINE-SCENTED
SPRAY.
All:
OH, GOD!
IT'S SUPPOSED
TO BE THE GREAT
NORTHWEST, MA.
TO MAKE DAVID AND
ME FEEL AT HOME.
ALL WE NEED NOW
IS A BEAR TO s**t
IN THE WOODS.
I COULD ASK
BIG HAIRY AL
WHO WORKS AT
THE MANHOLE
TO COME OVER.
HE'S INTO SCAT.
EWW, JESUS.
COVER YOUR EARS,
SWEETHEART,
YOUR AUNTY EM
IS BEING GROSS.
WHAT?
YOU SAID
WEAR FLANNEL.
MAY I SAY, YOU
TWO HAVE NEVER
LOOKED MORE...
BUTCH.
[ Scoffing ]
WELL, NEITHER
HAVE YOU.
Ted:
FLANNEL.
ISN'T THAT
LESBIAN LINGERIE?
[ Laughter ]
STICK A d*ck IN
IT, WOULD YOU?
Lindsay:
I THINK
THAT'S FUNNY.
WHERE'S BRIAN?
HE'S ALWAYS FASH-
IONABLY LATE.
[ ?????? ]
[ "North To Alaska" ?????? ]
HAVE YOU TALKED
TO HIM YET?
ARE THESE
BUTTERMILK?
NO.
WELL, MAY
I SUGGEST,
AS YOUR HOSTESS
FOR THE EVENING
THAT YOU DO SO?
IT'S A GOODBYE
PARTY, NOT AN
INTERVENTION.
THEN THE SOONER
YOU SAY GOODBYE,
THE BETTER.
YOU DON'T HAVE
TO SAY GOODBYE
TO ME RIGHT NOW.
I'M NOT LEAVING
TILL TOMORROW.
WE WEREN'T TALKING
ABOUT YOU, SWEETIE.
SO, YOU
ALL PACKED?
YEAH, MY ENTIRE
LIFE IS ON A
MOVING VAN
HEADED TO
PORTLAND.
YOU AREN'T
GETTING COLD
FEET, ARE YOU?
I HAVEN'T HAD
COLD FEET SINCE
I LIVED HERE.
REMEMBER BANGING
ON THE PIPES
SO THE LANDLORD WOULD
TURN ON SOME HEAT?
IT'S BETTER
THAN BANGING
THE LANDLORD.
[ Chuckling ]
WELL...
WELL, HONEY...
YOU EVER WANT
TO COME HOME,
YOU JUST, UM...
YOU JUST CLICK
YOUR HEELS
THREE TIMES.
[ Sobbing ]
I GUESS I'LL MISS YOU
MOST OF ALL, SCARECROW.
[ ?????? ]
POOR GUYS.
ARE THEY GONNA
BE ALL RIGHT?
YEAH, THEY'LL
BE FINE.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
FOR CHRISSAKES,
MICHAEL, YOU'RE
ONLY GOING
TO PORTLAND,
NOT TO THE MOON.
THEY GOT PLANES
AND PHONES
THAT GO BOTH WAYS, HONEY.
AND YOU AND
UNCLE VIC CAN
COME AND VISIT
ANY TIME YOU WANT.
WE MAY TAKE
YOU UP ON THAT.
BUT LIKE I SAID,
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
ISN'T THAT
WHAT I'VE BEEN
SAYING, VIC?
SHE'S BEEN
SAYING THAT.
SO GIVE ME A HUG,
AND THAT'LL BE THAT.
[ Deep sigh ]
MA?
ARE YOU GOING
TO LET ME GO?
I'D LIKE TO
SWEETHEART,
BUT I CAN'T.
WHAT DO YOU
MEAN, YOU CAN'T?
MY ARMS
WON'T MOVE.
MA, YOU'RE
SUFFOCATING ME.
I'M NOT
FUCKIN' KIDDING.
DAVID,
UNCLE VIC?
David:
OH, OKAY, OKAY.
Vic:
COME ON, LET'S
GIVE HER A PULL.
ON THREE...
[ ?????? ]
?? HAPPY FEET ??
?? I'VE GOT THOSE HAPPY FEET ??
?? GIVE THEM A LOW-DOWN BEAT ??
?? AND THEY BEGIN DANCING ??
COME HERE.
I DIDN'T TOUCH
ANYTHING IN
YOUR ROOM.
THAT'S NOT
WHAT I WAS
GOING TO SAY.
LOOK, I NEED
YOU TO DO ME
A FAVOUR.
WHAT, DISAPPEAR?
I GAVE UP ALL HOPE
OF THAT HAPPENING
A LONG TIME AGO.
I NEED YOU TO
TAKE CARE OF MY
MOM WHILE I'M AWAY.
YOU KNOW, MAKE SURE
SHE DOESN'T WORK
TOO HARD, AND...
AND HELP HER AROUND
THE HOUSE, AND... AND
TAKE OUT THE TRASH.
AND IF YOU SEE
THAT SHE IS LONELY,
JUST SIT WITH
HER A WHILE
AND LET HER TALK.
EVEN IF YOU'VE
HEARD IT BEFORE.
BECAUSE SOMETIMES
SHE JUST NEEDS
TO KNOW THAT SOME-
ONE'S LISTENING.
I PROMISE.
[ Laughter ]
[ Mixed chatter ]
I LOVE YOUR
FRIENDS.
THEY ARE
LIKE FAMILY.
NOT "LIKE";
THEY ARE.
HMM.
IT'S BECAUSE WE
TRUST EACH OTHER.
WHOA.
YOU DON'T
TRUST ME?
DO I HAVE
REASON NOT TO?
ALL RIGHT, LOOK,
LET'S NOT PRETEND
THERE ISN'T A MOOSE
IN THE MIDDLE OF
THE ROOM, OKAY?
[ Laughing ]
I KNOW YOU'RE
USING AGAIN.
I FOUND ONE
OF YOUR LITTLE
"FAVOURS"
IN THE POCKET
OF THE SUIT
I BOUGHT YOU.
HUH, TALK
ABOUT TRUST.
I WASN'T LOOKING
FOR IT. OKAY, IT
JUST FELL OUT.
YOU CAN BELIEVE
ME OR NOT, I
REALLY DON'T CARE.
SINCE THEN, I'VE BEEN
TRYING TO PRETEND
I DIDN'T SEE IT.
ONLY, I CAN'T.
NOT WHEN I SEE
YOU DESTROYING
YOUR LIFE.
I WAS AFRAID OF
DISAPPOINTING YOU,
OF FAILING AGAIN.
WELL, YOU HAVE.
AND I CAN'T LIVE
WITH AN ADDICT.
AND I CAN'T MAKE
LOVE TO AN ADDICT.
AND IT
SICKENS ME
TO THINK ABOUT
WHAT YOU'RE DOING
TO A PERSON
I HAPPEN TO CARE
A WHOLE LOT ABOUT
WHO OBVIOUSLY
CARES SO LITTLE
ABOUT HIMSELF.
SO I HAVE
NO CHOICE...
EXCEPT TO
SAY GOODBYE.
Blake:
I DON'T WANNA
BE LIKE THIS!
[ ?????? ]
THEN CHECK
YOURSELF
INTO REHAB.
[ Sigh ]
[ ?????? ]
HM. UH,
MOOSE JERKY?
Various:
[ Chuckling ]
IT'S HARDER
THAN I THOUGHT...
SAYING GOODBYE.
IT'S A GOOD THING
WE'RE LEAVING
FIRST THING
IN THE MORNING.
ACTUALLY, I CHANGED
THE RESERVATION
FOR TOMORROW NIGHT.
WHAT?
I SAID I
CHANGED THE
RESERVATION
TILL TOMORR...
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
WELL, DOES IT MATTER?
OBVIOUSLY NOT.
WELL, MICHAEL,
IT'S JUST A LITTLE
CHANGE OF PLAN.
I'VE JUST GOT
A FEW THINGS I
GOTTA CLEAR UP...
WHICH I COULD'VE
HELPED YOU WITH,
EXCEPT... EVERY
TIME I OFFER,
YOU REFUSE.
YOU HAVE TO DO
EVERYTHING
YOURSELF.
I JUST THOUGHT...
NO, YOU JUST THOUGHT
I COULDN'T HANDLE IT.
THAT I CAN'T
HANG A f**king
SCREEN DOOR.
WHAT THE f**k IS
WRONG WITH YOU?
YOU JUST THINK I'M
GOING TO GO ALONG,
DO WHATEVER
YOU WANT,
ON YOUR TERMS
AND YOUR TIME.
LIKE A CHILD, OR A...
OR A TROPHY WIFE.
YOU JUST MAKE ALL
THE DECISIONS, AND
I'LL SAY "YES, DEAR".
ONLY I'M THE ONE
GIVING UP EVERYTHING
IN MY GODDAMN LIFE.
MY FAMILY, MY FRIENDS,
MY JOB TO BE WITH YOU.
AND I HAVE
TO WONDER,
THAT IF THE SITUATION
WAS REVERSED,
WOULD YOU HAVE DONE
THE SAME FOR ME?
WELL, I GUESS
THAT'S AN ANSWER.
[ ?????? ]
[ Panting ]
[ ?????? ]
[ Sliding of door ]
[ ?????? ]
[ Groan ]
OHH... OHH...
[ Chuckle of
disbelief ]
f**k YOU.
f**k YOU!
a**hole!
WHAT THE f**k
WERE YOU DOING?
WHAT THE f**k
AREYOUDOING?
I CAME HERE
TO SEE WHY YOU
DIDN'T COME TO MY
FAREWELL PARTY.
WHAT PARTY?
YOU KNOW
GODDAMN WELL.
EVERYBODY WAS
THERE BUT YOU.
OH, RIGHT, DAVID
AND MICHAEL'S
"FAREWELL IN FLANNEL".
[ Groan ]
WELL, I'VE BEEN
HAVING A LITTLE CELE-
BRATION OF MY OWN
IN HONOUR OF MY
BIG THREE-OH.
WITH THIS?
YEAH, TO GIVE
MYSELF A VERY
SPECIAL GIFT.
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE THE GREATEST
f**king ORGASM
OF MY LIFE.
TRY THE LAST
f**king ORGASM
OF YOUR LIFE.
YOU COULD
KILL YOURSELF.
WELL, THAT WOULDN'T
BE THE WORST THING
THAT COULD HAPPEN.
TO GO OUT IN A
BLAZE OF GLORY,
LIKE COBAIN...
JAMES DEAN...
HENDRIX.
THEY'RE ALL
LEGENDS.
THEY'LL ALWAYS
BE YOUNG.
AND THEY'LL ALWAYS
BE BEAUTIFUL.
AND THEY'LL
ALWAYS BE DEAD.
"LIFE NOT WORTH
LIVING IF YOU
NOT TAKE RISK."
YOU'RE NOT GOING
THROUGH WITH IT.
IF I WANT TO
EXPERIENCE THE
JOYS OF SCARFING,
WHAT THE HELL
BUSINESS IS
IT OF YOURS?
IT'S MY BUSINESS
'CAUSE I'M THE ONE
WHO'LL GET THE CALL
THAT THE GOD-
DAMN CLEANING
LADY'S FOUND YOU
HANGING FROM
THE RAFTERS WITH
A f**king BONER.
AH... f**k
YOU, MICHAEL.
f**k YOU.
WHY DO YOU
ALWAYS HAVE TO
RUIN EVERYTHING?
RUIN? I'M
SAVING YOU!
AH?
JUST LIKE
TOBY HARPER SAVED
CAPTAIN ASTRO
IN ISSUE 231
OF ASTRO COMICS.
WHEN CAPTAIN ASTRO
THOUGHT THAT HE'D
LOST ALL OF HIS
SUPERPOWER.
GOD, YOU ARE
SO PATHETIC.
NO,YOU ARE!
DON'T YOU KNOW
THAT YOU STILL
HAVE YOUR POWERS?
ALL YOUR POWERS.
AND YOU
ALWAYS WILL.
WHETHER YOU'RE
18 OR YOU'RE 30,
OR YOU'RE 50,
OR YOU'RE 100.
YOU WILL ALWAYS
BE YOUNG
AND YOU WILL
ALWAYS BE
BEAUTIFUL.
YOU'RE BRIAN KINNEY,
FOR f**k'S SAKE!
[ Ringing of telephone ]
WELL, THE STAFF
SEEMS VERY NICE.
THEY'RE REALLY
HELPFUL.
THEY DO.
YEAH.
THEY SAID YOU
CAN GET ANYTHING
YOU WANT, ANYTIME.
YOU KNOW, THEY GOT
SNACKS ALL DAY...
THAT'S GOOD.
YEAH. AND IF YOU
NEED ANYTHING,
YOU JUST, UM...
I... I WILL.
LOOK, I-I... I
WANT YOU TO KNOW
HOW HAPPY...
WELL... HAPPY'S
NOT THE RIGHT WORD.
[ Mumbling ]
NOT HAPPY, BUT
UH... GRATEFUL
AND RELIEVED
I AM THAT YOU'RE
DOING THIS.
WELL, IT'S FOR
US, RIGHT?
RIGHT.
[ Sighing ]
SO...
I'LL SEE
YOU TONIGHT?
TONIGHT.
OH, ONE MORE THING
BEFORE I FORGET...
HUH, THOUGHT
YOU MIGHT LIKE
TO LISTEN TO THAT.
"LA TRAVIATA".
YOUR FAVOUR-
ITE OPERA.
YEAH, IT'S...
THE ONLY OPERA
THAT... I KNOW.
EXCEPT...
YOU SAID AT THE END
THEY GET BACK TOGETHER
AND SING MANY
GLORIOUS DUETS.
GUESS THAT'S THE SEQUEL.
"TRAVIATA 2".
CONSIDERING
HOW YOU FEEL,
I THINK IT'S
PROBABLY A
GOOD IDEA THAT
YOU NOT GO.
YOU THINK IT'S
A GOOD IDEA.
FOR CHRISSAKES,
MICHAEL, WHAT DO
YOU WANT ME TO SAY?
"WETHINK." YOU KNOW,
IF YOU USED THE
WORD OCCASIONALLY
YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY
GET USED TO IT.
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S
OBVIOUSLY DECIDED
IT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA.
ONLY THIS TIME
IT'S NOT ABOUT
SCREEN DOORS
OR CHANGING FLIGHTS.
THIS TIME IT'S
ABOUT BRIAN.
IF YOU KNEW HE
WASN'T LEAVING,
YOU WOULD'VE
NEVER AGREED
TO GO.
NO, DAVID.
YOU'LL BE HAPPY
TO KNOW, THIS TIME
IT'S NOT ABOUT HIM.
IT'S ABOUT YOU.
THE CAR'LL BE
HERE ANY MINUTE.
I CAN TAKE YOU
TO THE AIRPORT.
I KNOW YOU CAN,
BUT I'D RATHER
YOU DIDN'T.
OKAY, FINE.
HAVE IT
YOUR WAY.
THE WAY I ALWAYS DO?
THAT'S NOT
WHAT I WAS
GOING TO SAY.
I'M SORRY.
HOW MANY TIMES
HAVE I TOLD YOU,
YOU DON'T
HAVE TO KEEP
APOLOGIZING,
MICHAEL?
I KNOW I
DON'T, BUT...
ASIDE
FROM THAT...
I'M THE ONE THAT
SHOULD BE APOLO-
GIZING TO YOU.
I'M SORRY I
DISREGARDED
YOUR FEELINGS,
THAT I DIDN'T
INCLUDE YOU IN
THE DECISIONS,
THAT I EXPECTED
YOU TO COME,
AND, NO...
I'M NOT SURE
THAT I COULD
DO THE SAME.
WELL, I APPRE-
CIATE THAT,
BUT THAT'S...
THAT'S NOT
WHAT I WAS
GOING TO SAY.
IT'S NOT UP TO YOU
TO DECIDE WHAT I SHOULD
DO WITH MY LIFE.
THAT'S UP TO ME.
AND IF I DIDN'T DO IT,
THEN IT'S MY FAULT.
AND...
MAYBE NEXT TIME
I SHOULD JUST...
I SHOULD THINK THINGS
THROUGH MORE CLEARLY
BEFORE I SAY... YES.
WELL, I HOPE
YOU'LL DECIDE TO
CHANGE YOUR MIND.
AND IF YOU DO...
I'LL BE WAITING.
AND THIS TIME,
ON YOUR TIME...
AND YOUR TERMS.
[ Honking of car horn ]
ATTENTION, EVERYONE.
REMEMBER THAT
CUTE LITTLE TWINK
IN THE MIDRIFF-T
AND FATIGUES
WHO WENT UP THE STAIRS?
WELL, JUST TAKE A LOOK
AT WHO IS COMING DOWN.
[ Gasps of wonder ]
HOLY s**t,
SUNSHINE!
Vic:
WELL, WHAT
DO YA KNOW?
THE LITTLE
CHICKEN'S BECOME
c**k-OF-THE-WALK.
SWEETHEART, YOU
LOOK... BEAUTIFUL.
JESUS, I COULD
GO FOR YOU MYSELF.
IF I DON'T
BEAT YOU TO HIM.
[ Giggling ]
[ ?????? ]
I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU BROUGHT YOUR
AUTOGRAPH BOOK
WITH YOU.
WELL, YOU NEVER
KNOW WHO YOU MIGHT
SEE IN REHAB.
HI, UH, WE'RE
HERE TO VISIT
WITH BLAKE WYZECKI.
SORRY, BLAKE
CHECKED
HIMSELF OUT.
HE JUST... HE
JUST CHECKED
HIMSELF IN
THIS AFTERNOON.
HE'S GONE.
W-WHAT... WHAT,
YOU JUST LET
PEOPLE LEAVE
WHENEVER THEY WANT?
IT'S A VOLUNTARY
COMMITMENT,
WE CAN'T FORCE
PEOPLE TO STAY.
DID HE SAY WHERE
HE WAS GOING?
DID HE... DID HE
LEAVE A MESSAGE?
ARE YOU TED?
THAT'S RIGHT.
HE LEFT THIS FOR YOU.
[ Ringing of telephone ]
[ ?????? ]
I THOUGHT YOU
SAID YOU WOULDN'T
BE CAUGHT DEAD
IN A ROOM FULL
OF 18-YEAR-OLDS.
I THOUGHT I'D
RECAPTURE MY
LOST YOUTH.
YOU LOOK
HOT, DAPHNE.
[ Giggling ]
I'D f**k YOU.
UH, YOU...
YOU TOO, BRIAN.
MIND IF I BORROW
YOUR DATE?
[ ?????? ]
[ ?????? ]
?? YOU CAN DANCE
EVERY DANCE ??
?? WITH THE GUY
WHO GIVES YOU THE EYE ??
?? LET HIM HOLD YOU TIGHT ??
?? YOU CAN SMILE
EVERY SMILE ??
?? FOR THE MAN
WHO HELD YOUR HAND ??
?? 'NEATH THE PALE
MOONLIGHT ??
?? BUT DON'T FORGET
WHO'S TAKING YOU HOME ??
?? AND IN WHOSE ARMS
YOU'RE GONNA BE ??
?? SO DARLING SAVE
THE LAST DANCE FOR ME ??
?? MMMM ??
?? OH I KNOW ??
?? THAT THE MUSIC'S FINE
LIKE SPARKLING WINE ??
?? GO AND HAVE YOUR FUN ??
?? LAUGH AND SING ??
?? BUT WHILE WE'RE APART ??
?? DON'T GIVE YOUR
HEART TO ANYONE ??
?? BUT DON'T FORGET
WHO'S TAKING YOU HOME ??
?? AND IN WHOSE ARMS
YOU'RE GONNA BE ??
?? SO DARLING SAVE
THE LAST DANCE FOR ME ??
?? MMMM ??
?? BABY DON'T YOU KNOW
I LOVE YOU SO ??
?? CAN'T YOU FEEL IT
WHEN WE TOUCH ??
?? I WILL NEVER,
NEVER LET YOU GO ??
?? I LOVE YOU OH SO MUCH ??
?? YOU CAN DANCE ??
?? GO AND CARRY ON
TILL THE NIGHT IS GONE ??
?? AND IT'S TIME TO GO ??
?? IF HE ASKS ??
?? IF YOU'RE ALL ALONE
CAN HE TAKE YOU HOME ??
?? YOU MUST TELL HIM NO ??
?? 'CAUSE DON'T FORGET
WHO'S TAKING YOU HOME ??
?? AND IN WHOSE ARMS
YOU'RE GONNA BE ??
?? SO DARLING SAVE
THE LAST DANCE FOR ME ??
[ ?????? ]
?? 'CAUSE DON'T FORGET
WHO'S TAKING YOU HOME ??
?? AND IN WHOSE ARMS
YOU'RE GONNA BE ??
?? SO DARLING SAVE
THE LAST DANCE FOR ME ??
?? MMMM ??
?? SAVE THE LAST
DANCE FOR ME ??
?? MMM-MMM ??
?? SAVE THE LAST
DANCE FOR ME ??
?? MMM-MMM ??
?? SAVE THE LAST
DANCE FOR ME ??
?? MMM-HMM ??
?? SAVE THE LAST... ??
Flight announcer:
AMERICAN AIRLINES
FLIGHT 476 NOW
BOARDING AT GATE...
STEWARDESS?
STEWARDESS,
HAS FLIGHT
990 LEFT YET?
I BELIEVE THEY'VE
ALREADY STARTED
BOARDING. GATE 39.
IF YOU WANT TO
MAKE IT, YOU'D
BETTER HURRY.
Justin:
?? DON'T FORGET WHO'S
TAKING YOU HOME ??
Together:
?? AND IN WHOSE ARMS
YOU'RE GONNA BE ??
[ Laughter ]
DID YOU SEE
THEIR FACES?
YEAH, WE GAVE 'EM
A PROM THEY'LL
NEVER FORGET.
ME NEITHER.
IT'S THE
BEST NIGHT
OF MY LIFE.
YEAH, EVEN IF IT
WAS RIDICULOUSLY
ROMANTIC.
[ Starting of engine ]
LATER.
LATER.
[ Chuckle ]
Brian:
JUSTIN!
[ Grunt of impact ]
[ Screaming
in pain ]
Hobbs:
GOD... DAMMIT!
NO-NO-NO-NO-
NO-NO-NO-NO-NO.
GOD!
[ Ringing of cell phone ]
[ ?????? ]
[ ?????? ]
[ ?????? ]
CLOSED CAPTIONED
BYCOMPREHENSIVE DISTRIBUTORS
MOO!
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...
ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, FIVE, SIX.
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ ?????? ]
[ Romantic ?????? ]
[ Shouts of play ]
Michael:
OH, NO!
WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?
I GOT THIS.
I GOT IT.
HANG ON.
[ ?????? ]
...BUT I KNEW
WHAT IT MEANT.
YEAH.
Waiter:
THERE YOU
GO, SIR.
OH...
I'LL GET THAT.
David:
NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO.
[ ?????? ]
NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO.
I GOT IT.
THANK YOU.
[ Whistling ]
[ ?????? ]
David:
MICHAEL,
NO. NO.
NO. I GOT THIS.
MICHAEL!
NO!
THANK YOU.
[ ?????? ]
David:
GOT IT.
UNLESS YOU WANT
ANYTHING ELSE
YEAH, I DO.
DESSERT?
GOOD BOY.
CHOCOLATE DEATH,
TWO FORKS.
I DON'T WANT DESSERT.
OH.
ONE FORK.
I WANT YOU TO STOP
PAYING FOR EVERYTHING.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN.
YOU'RE ALWAYS
PICKING UP
THE CHEQUE,
AND BUYING THE MOVIE TICKETS
AND GETTING THE GROCERIES.
SO?
SO I'M WORKING.
YOU DON'T HAVE
TO SUPPORT ME.
I CAN AFFORD IT.
YOU CAN'T. WHAT'S
THE BIG DEAL?
IT'S A BIG
DEAL TO ME.
I LIKE TO
TAKE YOU NICE
PLACES, MICHAEL.
AND I LIKE TO
GO TO THEM BUT...
I DON'T LIKE YOU
PAYING FOR ME
ALL THE TIME.
I... I FEEL...
FUNNY.
YOU PAY WHEN YOU
CAN, DON'T YOU?
YEAH, AND SPEAKING
OF WHICH...
THIS MONTH'S
HOUSE EXPENSES.
THANK YOU.
SEE? I'M TAKING YOUR MONEY.
YEAH.
$300 A MONTH.
YOU'RE SURE THAT'S
HALF OF EVERYTHING?
SURE.
THE CLEANING LADY?
THE UTILITIES?
CHOCOLATE DEATH!
YOU WANT
A BITE?
[ ?????? ]
?? YOU KEEP SAYING ??
?? YOU'VE GOT
SOMETHING FOR ME ??
?? SOMETHING YOU
CALL LOVE ??
?? BUT CONFESS... ??
ISN'T "DYKE
NITE" FUN?
CAN'T REMEMBER
WHEN I HAD SUCH
A GOOD TIME.
I HATE
"DYKE NITE".
ME TOO. I FEEL
SO VIOLATED.
[ ?????? ]
?? THESE BOOTS WERE
MADE FOR WALKING... ??
EUW. WHAT'RE
THEY DOING?
?? ...ONE OF THESE
DAYS THESE BOOTS... ??
THE "MUNCHER MASH"?
YOU KNOW...
SO, MEL,
WHEN WAS THE LAST
TIME YOU WERE
AT "DYKE NITE"?
OH, BEFORE I MET LINDSAY.
REMEMBER, WE
WEREN'T GOING
TO MENTION HER.
Emmett:
HEY...
SHE'S CUTE.
SHE REMINDS
ME OF LINDSAY
WITH RED HAIR.
WHAT ABOUT HER?
SHE REMINDS
ME OF LINDSAY
WITH BLACK HAIR.
Ted:
DON'T TELL ME.
HE REMINDS
YOU OF LINDSAY
IN DRAG.
I CAN'T HELP
IT. I MISS HER.
I THOUGHT WE'D BE
TOGETHER FOREVER;
THAT SHE'D BE THE ONE
I KISSED GOOD NIGHT FOR
THE REST OF MY LIFE.
NOW I
LIVE WITH MY
COUSIN RITA,
AND KISS HER GOOD NIGHT.
CHRIST!
[ Sighing ]
LOOK, MEL,
IT'S BEEN GREAT
HANGING WITH YOU.
YOU'VE BEEN A
GREAT FAG-HAG.
ONLY THE THING IS;
FAG-HAGS ARE
SUPPOSED TO
BE FUN.
SO WHY DON'T
YOU GO SEE
LINDSAY,
TELL HER HOW
YOU FEEL,
AND MAKE UP
WITH HER, OKAY?
HOW CAN I
DO THAT AFTER
WHAT I DID?
WHATEVER YOU
DID, YOU KNOW,
IT TAKES TWO.
YOU GOT NOTHING
TO LOSE,
UNLESS YOU
REALLY WANT
TO WAIT AROUND
FOR THE NEXT...
"DYKE NITE".
BRRRR.
?? ...ARE GONNA WALK
ALL OVER YOU ??
[ ?????? ]
[ Sigh of determination ]
[ ?????? ]
Justin:
YOU DRINK TOO
MUCH COFFEE.
THIS ISN'T COFFEE.
IT'S LATTE.
IT'S JUST COFFEE
THAT COSTS FIVE BUCKS.
AND IT STILL
CAUSES HIGH
BLOOD PRESSURE,
HEART ATTACK,
POOR SEXUAL
PERFORMANCE.
I HAVEN'T HAD
ANY COMPLAINTS.
NOT TO MENTION INSOMNIA.
WELL, USUALLY WHEN
I'M IN MY BED, I'M
NOT ASLEEP ANYWAY,
SO IT REALLY
DOESN'T MATTER.
SEE, FORTUNATELY I
HAVE YOUTH ON MY SIDE.
I CAN STAY
UP ALL NIGHT
f**king
AND STILL SCORE
1,500 ON MY S.A.T.s.
1,500?
YEP.
WOW!
YOU COULD GET INTO
ANY SCHOOL YOU WANTED
WITH A SCORE LIKE THAT.
I APPLIED TO
DARTMOUTH, BROWN...
YOU'RE GOING
OUT OF STATE?
WHY? DO YOU GIVE A s**t?
IT'S JUST THE FIRST I'VE
HEARD OF IT, THAT'S ALL.
YOU DO!
YOU GIVE
A s**t!
YOU GIVE A s**t!
Justin:
?? YOU SO CARE
ABOUT ME ??
YOU LOVE
ME SO MUCH.
GET OUT!
BRIAN KINNEY
GIVES A s**t.
f**k YOU.
HA-HA.
MMM! WELL YOU LOOK
SELF-SATISFIED.
I'D EVEN GO AS
FAR AS TO SAY
SUPERCILIOUS.
[ Chuckling ]
WE ALL KNOW YOU
GOT 700 VERBAL.
STOP SHOWING OFF.
SO, WHAT DID
HE SAY TO YOU?
HMM, IT'S WHAT
HE DIDN'T SAY.
Students:
[ Mixed chatter ]
EXCUSE ME,
FAGGOT.
I'M NOT A FAGGOT.
YOU LOOK LIKE ONE TO ME.
YOU WANNA
SUCK MY c**k?
AW, CHRIST! CAN'T
THEY THINK OF
ANYTHING MORE
ORIGINAL TO SAY?
LEAVE HIM
ALONE, HOBBS.
OH, MUST BE A
FAGGOT CONVENTION.
DON'T TAKE IT
OUT ON HIM.
TAKE WHAT OUT?
YOUR d*ck.
FAGGOT.
OKAY, YOU TWO,
BREAK IT UP.
Teacher:
NOW!
TAYLOR, NEXT TIME YOU
CAUSE TROUBLE, YOU CAN
TALK TO THE PRINCIPAL.
WHAT?
SIR, JUSTIN DIDN'T DO
ANYTHING. IT WAS CHRIS.
HE CALLED HIM A FAGGOT.
TAKE YOUR SEATS.
BOTH OF YOU.
Teacher:
BUELLER.
HERE.
CHANDERS.
HERE.
FRYE.
HERE.
GUNDERMAN.
HERE.
HOBBS.
HERE.
LIPMAN,
YOU'RE LATE.
MENDELSON.
HERE.
RUIS.
HERE.
TAYLOR.
QUEER.
Class:
[ Laughing ]
OKAY, CLASS, QUIET
DOWN. THOMAS.
EXCUSE ME, MR. DIXON?
WHAT IS IT, TAYLOR?
CHRIS JUST CALLED ME QUEER.
I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING.
HOW COULD YOU NOT HEAR IT?
EVERYBODY HEARD THAT.
SIT DOWN,
TAYLOR.
I WANT HIM TO APOLOGIZE.
I SAID SIT DOWN.
AREN'T YOU GOING
TO DO ANYTHING?
ARE YOU JUST GOING TO PRETEND
THAT NOTHING HAPPENED?
ONE MORE WORD FROM YOU
AND I'M SENDING YOU TO
THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE.
HUH! DON'T BOTHER.
THE QUEER'S GOING. THE
QUEER IS OUT THE DOOR.
THE QUEER IS GONE.
THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT.
OH! WHAT DO
YOU KNOW?
HE SAYS IT; YOU
DON'T HEAR A THING.
BUT WHEN
I SAY IT...
WELL, LISTEN UP,
NOW THAT YOUR HEAR-
ING HAS RETURNED.
THIS QUEER SAYS,
"f**k YOU!"
[ Mixed reactions/
some applause ]
OKAY, THAT'S IT,
TAYLOR. YOU ARE
OUT OF HERE.
Class:
[ Whooping/whistles ]
NEXT CUSTOMER, PLEASE.
HI, I'M
PAUL. UH...
IF YOU OPEN UP A
MONEY MARKET ACCOUNT
WITH US TODAY,
YOU'LL GET
A $50 GIFT
CERTIFICATE
FOR LASER HAIR REMOVAL.
THANKS. I WAX.
UM, I WAS
JUST LOOKING
AT MY STATEMENT,
AND UNLESS I
GOT A RAISE
THAT NOBODY
TOLD ME ABOUT,
UM, THERE'S A LOT
MORE MONEY IN MY
CHEQUING ACCOUNT
THAN THERE SHOULD BE.
OH. UH, JUST SWIPE
YOUR CARD AND ENTER
YOUR PIN NUMBER.
Brian:
WHEN YOU'RE
FINISHED HELPING
MY FRIEND,
COULD YOU CHECK THE
BALANCE IN MY ACCOUNT?
SURE.
DO YOU WANT TO PUT
DOWN THE NUMBER?
THIS IS YOUR PHONE NUMBER.
WOULD YOU PLEASE
LET HIM HELP
ME WITH MY
FINANCIAL PROBLEM
BEFORE YOU
HIT ON HIM?
SO HOW MUCH EXTRA
DO YOU HAVE?
ALMOST 1,000.
WELL, YOU SHOULD
ALWAYS HAVE SUCH
FINANCIAL PROBLEMS.
IT APPEARS SOME OF YOUR
CHEQUES HAVEN'T CLEARED.
WHICH ONES?
NUMBER 566,
574.
583?
THAT ONE TOO.
WELL, THANKS.
WELL, AT LEAST
I KNOW WHAT THE
DISCREPANCY IS.
DAVID ISN'T CASHING
MY CHEQUES.
WELL, MAYBE
HE FORGOT.
YOU KNOW HOW PEOPLE
ARE WHEN THEY GET
TO BE HIS AGE.
Michael:
COME ON,
LET'S GO.
I'LL CHECK THIS OUT, SIR.
Brian:
EXCELLENT.
THERE ARE STILL
CERTAIN SERVICES
YOU CAN'T GET
AT AN ATM.
[ Ringing of doorbell ]
LINZ...
MEL...
I, UM, CAME BY
TO SEE GUS AND...
OH, LINZ, I MISS
YOU SO MUCH.
I'VE WAITED
SO LONG TO HEAR
YOU SAY THAT.
I'M SORRY, BABY.
I'M SO SORRY
FOR EVERYTHING.
ME TOO. AND IT
DOESN'T MATTER
WHOSE FAULT IT WAS.
NOW ALL THAT
MATTERS...
IS THIS.
[ Opening of door ]
OUI?
"WE"?
NO:"OUI".
AS IN, "IS THERE
SOMETHING YOU
WOULD LIKE?"
UH, ACTUALLY...
YES. I'D LIKE
TO SEE LINDSAY.
AH, LINDSAY IS NOT
HERE RIGHT NOW.
SHE'S TEACHING CLASS.
AND WHO ARE YOU?
I AM GUILLAUME.
AND YOU ARE...?
MELANIE.
AH, MELANIE, THE
EX-GIRLFRIEND.
YOU KNOW
WHO I AM?
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO
HAD THE AFFAIR.
OF COURSEEN FRANCE,
THIS WOULD BE
MEANINGLESS.
I-I CAN'T
BELIEVE SHE
TOLD YOU THAT.
LINDSAY AND I ARE
VERY, UH,INTIME.
INTIMATE.
I GOT IT.
LOOK, I
STOPPED BY TO
SEE MY SON.
MMM. I-I'M
AFRAID IT'S NOT
POSSIBLE. IT'S
HIS FEEDING TIME.
WELL, I
COULD DO...
NO, NO, NO. NO.
I WILL DO IT.
HE GETS VERY, UM...
WHAT YOU CALL
IT? UH, FINICKY.
OKAY. WHO THE f**k
ARE YOU ANYWAY,
AND WHY HASN'T
LINDSAY EVER TOLD
ME ABOUT YOU?
PERHAPS IT'S HER
DECISION, NOW THAT
YOU'RE NO LONGER
LIVING TOGETHER,
NOT TO SHARE WITH
YOU ALL THE DETAILS
OF HER LIFE.
THIS IS NORMAL.
Gus:
[ Crying ]
I'M ON MY WAY,
MON PETIT CHOU.
SO, I TELL HER
YOU STOP BY.
[ ?????? ]
WHY WOULD DAVID
KEEP TAKING
MY CHEQUES
IF HE HAS NO
INTENTION OF
CASHING THEM?
WELL, MAYBE HE'S
WAITING UNTIL
NEXT QUARTER
WHEN HE HAS LESS
TAX LIABILITY.
[ Snicker ]
SPOKEN LIKE A
TRUE ACCOUNTANT.
OR MAYBE HE'S JUST TAKING
THEM TO HUMOUR YOU.
WELL, I'M NOT AMUSED.
I CAN PAY MY OWN WAY.
VERY NOBLE.
YEAH, AND
STUPID!
Emmett:
MICHAEL,
SWEETIE,
IT'S EVERY GAY BOY'S
DREAM TO BE A KEPT WOMAN.
[ Yells of protest ]
WHAT'S SHE DOING IN HERE?
OH, CHRIST! DO YOU
THINK I'VE NEVER
SEEN A d*ck BEFORE?
NOT MINE!
IT'S OKAY. IT'S
OKAY, EVERYONE.
SHE'S A LESBIAN.
Man:
OH, SHE'S A DYKE.
MELANIE,
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
I TOOK YOUR ADVICE
AND I WENT TO GO
SEE LINDSAY.
UH, WHEN WAS THE
LAST TIME YOU
TALKED TO HER?
A COUPLE
OF WEEKS.
DID SHE MENTION
ANYTHING ABOUT
A FRENCH GUY?
NO.
A FRENCH GUY?
I WENT OVER
TO SEE HER,
AND THIS
f**king FROG
ANSWERED THE DOOR.
SO?
SO WHEN I TRIED
TO SEE GUS,
HE SLAMMED THE GOD-
DAMN DOOR IN MY FACE.
Ted:
WELL, EVERY-
BODY KNOWS
THE FRENCH
ARE FAMOUS
FOR ECLAIRS,
ORAL SEX AND
RUDENESS.
I ONCE HAD A DATE THAT
INVOLVED ALL THREE.
MAYBE SHE JUST GOT
HERSELF A BABYSITTER.
FROM FRANCE?
A LITTLE
PRICEY ON HER
TEACHER'S SALARY.
AND HOW COME
SHE DIDN'T TELL
US ABOUT IT?
Guillaume: [ On voice mail ]
Bonjour.
H-HEY, LISTEN
TO THIS.
You have reached
Lindsay and Guillaume
and beautiful baby Gus.
If you have a
message for us,
kindly leave it
after the beep.
"US."
IT'S PRETTY PUSHY
FOR THE HELP.
IT MAKES IT
SOUND LIKE
THEY'RE A COUPLE.
QUELQUE CHOSE
ISN'T KOSHER.
[ Rapping on door ]
HEY.
[ Closing of door ]
YOU KNOW THE LAST TIME
I BROUGHT HOT CHOCOLATE
AND FIG NEWTONS UP HERE?
WHEN MICHAEL LIVED HERE?
SMART KID.
HMMM.
HE'D LOCK HIMSELF IN
HERE FOR HOURS AND HOURS.
TOLD ME HE WAS PLAYING
WITH HIS MODEL AIRPLANES.
HA! I KNOW WHAT HE
WAS PLAYING WITH.
[ Snort/chuckle ]
HERE.
YOU WANT ONE?
NO THANKS.
IT'S A LOUSY THING
THAT TEACHER DID,
HAVING YOU
SUSPENDED.
YEAH, I COULD PUNCH
d*ckhead DIXON'S FACE IN.
CHRIS HOBBS' TOO.
ONLY THEN, YOU'D
BE JUST LIKE THEM.
SO WHAT?
THEY DESERVE IT.
SURE THEY DO.
BUT THERE ARE
BETTER WAYS OF
HANDLING IT.
HUH, QUIT SCHOOL?
AND GIVE THEM
THE PLEASURE?
HMM?
YOU KNOW...
THERE WERE
PEOPLE...
WHEN THEY
FOUND OUT THAT
MICHAEL WAS GAY...
WHO SAID,
AND DID, THE
CRUELEST THINGS.
FRIENDS...
NEIGHBOURS...
FAMILY.
MY OWN GODDAMN SISTER
WOULDN'T EVEN LET HER
KIDS COME OVER HERE.
SHE WAS AFRAID
MICHAEL WAS GOING
TO MOLEST THEM
OR SOMETHING.
BECAUSE THAT'S THE
WAY PEOPLE ARE.
THEY'RE IGNORANT
AND THEY'RE SCARED.
AND THERE'S NOTHING
YOU CAN DO...
EXCEPT EDUCATE
'EM OR SHOOT 'EM.
ME, I JOINED
P-FLAG, 'CAUSE
I FIGURED
IT WAS MORE
PRACTICAL THAN
SHOOTING 'EM.
[ Chuckle ]
DO YOU HAVE
A GAY CLUB AT
YOUR SCHOOL?
[ Snorting ]
ARE YOU CRAZY?
I'VE BEEN
ACCUSED OF IT.
NO. I'M, LIKE,
THE ONLY GAY
STUDENT THERE.
I DOUBT THAT,
SUNSHINE.
GAY KIDS ARE
EVERYWHERE.
ONLY THEY'RE NOT
ALL LIKE YOU...
'CAUSE THEY'RE
AFRAID TO SHOW
THEIR FACES.
THAT'S WHY MAYBE...
YOU'VE GOT TO DO
SOMETHING TO HELP
THEM KNOW THAT...
THEY'RE NOT
THE ONLY ONES.
I DIDN'T CASH
YOUR CHEQUES
BECAUSE I DON'T
NEED YOUR MONEY.
BUT I NEED TO
GIVE IT TO YOU.
MICHAEL, YOU
KNOW, OF COURSE,
THAT HALF THE
MONTHLY EXPENSES
AREN'T REALLY $300.
OF COURSE I KNOW,
AND I'M SURE
WHATEVER IT IS,
I COULDN'T AFFORD
IT, BUT THAT'S
NOT THE POINT.
UH, I WANT TO CONTRIB-
UTE AS MUCH AS I CAN.
AND YOU DO.
YOU DO. YOU GIVE
ME SOMETHING MUCH
MORE VALUABLE
THAN MONEY.
YOU GIVE ME
YOUR SWEETNESS,
YOUR CHARM, YOUR
HUMOUR, YOUR HOT
LITTLE BOD.
I MEAN, WHAT'S
PAYING HALF THE
GAS AND ELECTRIC
COMPARED TO
THAT, MICHAEL?
I'M NOT SOME BOYTOY
YOU'RE KEEPING.
I'VE NEVER
THOUGHT OF YOU
AS MY BOYTOY.
DON'T INSULT ME.
I'LL TAKE THAT.
OKAY.
OKAY, WHATEVER WILL
MAKE YOU HAPPY.
WHATEVER YOU WANT.
WHAT WILL MAKE ME
HAPPY IS IF YOU...
TAKE MY MONEY AND
YOU STOP PAYING
FOR EVERYTHING.
FINE. FROM NOW
ON, WE'LL ONLY
DO THINGS
THAT WE CAN
BOTH AFFORD TO
DO, TOGETHER.
[ Sigh ]
THERE'S ONLY ONE THING.
WHAT'S THAT?
DON'T GET MAD.
IT WAS SUPPOSED
TO BE A SURPRISE.
BUT YOU KNOW THAT...
[ Clearing
of throat ]
THE WEEK THAT YOU
HAVE OFF FROM WORK?
I CLEARED IT
FOR ME TOO, AND
I POPPED FOR...
A TRIP TO PARIS.
FIRST-CLASS,
SUITE AT THE
HOTEL "GEORGES V".
RESERVATIONS AT
ALL THE FINEST
RESTAURANTS.
WOW. THAT...
THAT SOUNDS
FANTASTIC.
I KNOW.
BUT...
NO, I KNOW.
I KNOW.
[ Sighing ]
IT WAS THE WRONG
THING TO DO.
I'LL, UH...
CANCEL IT
TOMORROW.
AND WE'LL JUST
STAY HOME,
WATCH A MOVIE...
OR TWO, EAT IN.
AND THAT CAN
STILL BE FUN.
[ ?????? ]
[ Ringing of doorbell ]
Brian:
HI, LINDSAY.
HOPE YOU DON'T MIND
US ALL DROPPING
BY LIKE THIS.
ACTUALLY,
YOU COULD
HAVE CALLED.
WE DID, AND GOT
YOUR MESSAGE.
Gus:
[ Fussing ]
LOOK WHO'S HERE.
AH. LOOK WHO ELSE IS HERE.
THIS IS
GUILLAUME.
I BELIEVE YOU'VE
MET MELANIE.
OUI.MELANIE,
COMMENT CA VA?
UM, HOW ARE YOU?
UH,CA VA
JUST FINE.
Lindsay:
THIS IS BRIAN, GUS'
BIOLOGICAL FATHER.
AH OUI.
OH. BE ASSURED,
MY FRIEND,
THERE'S NO NEED
TO WORRY ABOUT GUS
NOW THAT I'M HERE.
MM-HM. I WASN'T
WORRIED WHEN
YOU WEREN'T...
MON AMI.
AND THIS IS TED
AND EMMETT.
BONJOUR.
BONSOIR.
ENCHANTE.
WE WERE JUST IN THE
MIDDLE OF DINNER,
SO IF YOU
DON'T MIND...
UH, I-IF YOU WOULD LIKE,
YOUR FRIENDS MAY JOIN US.
THERE'S ENOUGH...
RABBIT FOR EVERYONE.
R-RABBIT?
YES, I MADE A, UH, STEW.
WITH... WITH RABBIT?
BUNNY RABBIT?
THEY SAY IT
TASTES JUST
LIKE CHICKEN.
PLEASE, UH,
COME, TRY SOME.
WELL, MAYBE JUST
A... LITTLE TASTE.
I'M... I'M A LITTLE
HUNGRY, SO, UH...
WHAT'S GOING ON?
YEAH. WHO'S
THIS GUY?
AND WHAT'S HE DOING
IN OUR HOUSE?
EXCUSE ME, I DON'T
APPRECIATE YOUR
BARGING IN HERE
AND INTERROGATING ME.
OH-HO, WHOA. WHO'S
INTERROGATING YOU?
WE'RE JUST ASKING YOU.
Lindsay:
GUILLAUME TEACHES
FRENCH AT THE
UNIVERSITY.
WE'VE BEEN
FRIENDS FOR A
COUPLE OF YEARS.
YEAH WELL, HOW COME
YOU NEVER MENTIONED HIM?
I DID.
YOU JUST NEVER
LISTENED.
HUH.
ANYWAY,
HE NEEDED
SOME HELP,
AND SO DID I.
SO I SAID HE
COULD MOVE IN.
SO WHY DIDN'T
YOU TELL US?
WE HAVEN'T EXACTLY BEEN
COMMUNICATING LATELY.
Emmett:
OH, MY GOD!
THIS IS FABULOUS!
MAGNIFIQUE!
IT'S THE BEST
RABBIT I'VE
EVER HAD.
THE ONLY RABBIT
I'VE EVER HAD.
[ Cooing ]
YEAH, HE'S A...
FANTASTIC COOK,
AND HE'S
WONDERFUL
WITH THE BABY.
AND GUS TOOK TO
HIM IMMEDIATELY.
AND I CAN'T
TELL YOU WHAT
A RELIEF IT IS
HAVING HIM HELP
WITH THE MORTGAGE.
SOUNDS LIKE THE
PERFECT ARRANGEMENT.
SO HOW LONG
IS HE STAYING?
THAT ALL DEPENDS.
UNTIL HE FINDS A
PLACE OF HIS OWN?
Emmett:
...YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO RAISE
RABBITS IN A CONDO.
UNTIL...
[ Nervous chuckle ]
WE GET MARRIED.
WHAT?
MM-HMM.
ARE YOU
f**king NUTS?
DON'T GET
SO EXCITED.
IT'S JUST AN
ARRANGEMENT.
I CAN GET
SOME HELP,
AND HE CAN STAY
IN THE COUNTRY AND
GET HIS GREEN CARD.
Guillaume:
ALORS,I
MUST INSIST
THAT YOU COME EAT
TOUT DE SUITE,
OR ELSE IT
GETS COLD.
THE WAY HE
INSINUATED HIMSELF...
RIGHT. LIKE...
LIKE... LIKE IT
WAS HIS HOUSE...
THAT HE
BELONGS THERE...
AND YOU AND I
WERE LIKE A COUPLE
OF STRANGERS.
I NEED A CIGARETTE, BAD.
Melanie:
THIS IS ALL MY FAULT.
IF IT WEREN'T FOR
ME, NONE OF THIS
WOULD BE HAPPENING.
OH, MELANIE
THE MARTYR.
YOU WANT ME TO
SET YOU ON FIRE?
a**hole, JUST
GIMME A LIGHT.
AND IF SHE GOES
THROUGH WITH THIS,
HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO
LIVE THERE FOR AT LEAST
A COUPLE OF YEARS.
AND BY THEN
GUS'LL BE SMOKING
GAULOISES AND...
NOT WEARING
DEODORANT.
[ Chuckle ]
AND SHE'LL HAVE MOVED
ON WITH HER LIFE.
THERE'S NO WAY WE'LL
EVER GET BACK TOGETHER.
Emmett:
IF ONLY
SHE KNEW
HOW MUCH TROUBLE
SHE COULD GET INTO;
WELL, KNOWING
LINDSAY... PROBABLY
WOULDN'T CARE.
SHE'S ALWAYS LOOK-
ING OUT FOR THE
WELFARE OF OTHERS.
THE GENEROUS ONE.
THEN THERE'S ME,
THE SELFISH ONE.
I WANTED A f**k,
AND BOY, DID
I GET FUCKED.
THERE'S NOTHING
WRONG WITH GETTING
YOUR NEEDS MET.
Ted:
THAT'S NO
SURPRISE COM-
ING FROM YOU.
IT'S YOUR
MANIFESTO.
WELL, IT WOULD
BE EVERYONE'S
IF THEY WERE HONEST
ENOUGH TO ADMIT IT.
SO STOP BLAM-
ING YOURSELF.
IT'S BORING.
AND YOU DON'T DESERVE IT.
HEY!
HEY.
ISN'T IT A SCHOOL
NIGHT? SHOULDN'T YOU
BE AT DEB'S STUDYING?
I GOT SUSPENDED.
YOU?
Justin:
FOR TWO DAYS.
I SAW THIS STUDENT
GETTING BASHED,
AND MY HOMOPHOBIC
TEACHER WOULDN'T DO
ANYTHING ABOUT IT...
SO I TOLD HIM
TO f**k OFF.
[ Laughter of appreciation ]
GO TO THE HEAD
OF THE CLASS.
THAT BRINGS
BACK MEMORIES,
GETTING THE s**t
KICKED OUT OF YOU
ON THE PLAYGROUND.
MMM. HAVING... LIT
MATCHES THROWN AT YOU
IN THE LOCKER ROOM.
GOOD TIMES.
Ted:
YEAH.
I DON'T SUPPOSE
ANYTHING LIKE THAT
EVER HAPPENED TO YOU.
WELL, ONCE THIS
STRAIGHT FOOTBALL
JOCK PICKED ME UP,
AND DUNKED MY HEAD
IN THE TOILET.
WHAT DID
YOU DO?
I FOLLOWED HIM
TO HIS LOCKER.
IT WAS OPEN,
HIS HAND WAS UP
KIND OF LIKE THIS;
HE WAS LAUGHING;
SO I SLAMMED THE DOOR
SO HARD IT BROKE
THREE OF HIS FINGERS.
OOH.
Emmett:
MMM!
AND THAT WAS THE END
OF THE SEASON FOR HIM.
A GAY-
STRAIGHT WHAT?
STUDENT ALLIANCE.
WHAT THE f**k
IS THAT?
IT'S A CLUB,
A-A FORUM WHERE
STUDENTS DISCUSS
ISSUES, PLAN EVENTS.
YOU KNOW,
TO PROMOTE
UNDERSTANDING.
[ Sighing ]
I'M ASLEEP
ALREADY.
[ Slapping of Brian's back ]
I NEED YOUR
EXPERTISE.
I THINK I'VE
GIVEN YOU PLENTY.
[ Grunt
of effort ]
YOUR BUSINESS
EXPERTISE.
IT'S A TOUGH
SELL, ESPECIALLY
AT ST. JAMES.
SO, SAY I BROUGHT
THIS CONCEPT TO
YOU AT YOUR OFFICE.
HOW WOULD YOU
MARKET IT?
IT'S 1:30 IN
THE MORNING,
AND I'M HORNY
AS HELL.
PLEASE?
[ Sigh of
resignation ]
OKAY.
[ Clearing
of throat ]
YOU'RE THE CLIENT.
HAVE A SEAT,
MR. TAYLOR.
[ Laughing ]
WELL, WHAT'S
SO FUNNY?
YOU KNOW, THAT'S
JUST HOW I IMAGINE
ALL MY CLIENTS.
I PICTURE
THEM NAKED.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'M DOING THIS.
OKAY.
SO YOU HAVE
THIS CONCEPT,
THE GAY-STRAIGHT
STUDENT ALLIANCE.
LET'S ALL LIVE TOGETHER.
POWER TO
THE PEOPLE.
PEACE. THAT'S
BORING AS s**t.
I COULD TAKE OUT AN UZI
AND SHOOT EVERYONE.
THAT WOULD BE EXCITING.
WELL, AT LEAST YOU'D
GET THEIR ATTENTION.
NOW WE HAVE TO FIGURE
OUT A WAY TO SELL IT.
RIGHT. HOW?
THE SAME WAY YOU
SELL EVERYTHING ELSE.
SEX.
SEX.
YOU WANT TO GET
'EM IN THE TENT,
HAND OUT THESE.
CONDOMS?
YOU SAID IT WAS
AN ALLIANCE.
WHAT BETTER WAY
FOR EVERYONE TO
COME TOGETHER?
Ted:
HE WANTS
TO TAKE YOU
TO PARIS?
HONEY, YOU'RE
THE LUCKIEST BOY
IN THE WORLD.
PASS ME THE SYRUP.
I LOVE PARIS.
YOU'VE NEVER
BEEN TO PARIS.
WELL, I KNOW
I'LL LOVE IT
WHEN I GET THERE.
SO WHEN ARE
YOU LEAVING?
WE'RE NOT.
EXCUSEZ-MOI?
I DON'T HAVE THE
MONEY FOR THAT
KIND OF A TRIP.
OF COURSE YOU
DON'T. BUT
DAVID DOES.
I TOLD HIM I
COULDN'T LET
HIM PAY FOR ME.
ARE YOU COMPLETELY MAD?
OF COURSE YOU CAN.
DAVID AND I HAVE
AN ARRANGEMENT.
WE ONLY DO
THINGS THAT WE
CAN BOTH AFFORD.
AU REVOIR, PARIS.
BONJOUR,PITTSBURGH.
ALL RIGHT, SO I
WON'T GET TO SEE
THE SEINE AT SUNSET,
OR... OR STROLL THROUGH
THE LUXEMBOURG GARDENS,
OR ANY OF THE OTHER
WONDERFUL STUFF HE HAD
PLANNED, BUT AT LEAST...
YOU'LL HAVE YOUR PRIDE?
AH. I HEAR
IT'S WHAT
EVERYONE IS WEARING
IN PARIS THIS YEAR.
DAVID ALREADY
TAKES ME
TO DINNER,
HE BUYS THE
GROCERIES.
HE PAYS ALL THE
HOUSE EXPENSES.
WHERE DO
I SIGN UP?
IT'S NOT RIGHT.
BUT IF HE WANTS TO DO IT?
THAT'S WHAT HE
SAYS. HE SAYS IT
MAKES HIM HAPPY.
THEN STOP BEING
SO GODDAMN SELFISH.
SELFISH?
I THINK IT'S
SELFISH TO
DENY YOUR
LOVER PLEASURE.
Ted:
LISTEN TO ME,
MICHAEL. MONEY
IS MY BUSINESS.
I'VE SEEN IT DESTROY MORE
RELATIONSHIPS THAN SEX.
OKAY? NOW YOU THINK
YOU'RE BEING FAIR TO DAVID
WITH THIS FALSE PRIDE
THING OF YOURS,
BUT IT'LL ONLY
CAUSE RESENTMENT
AND FRUSTRATION.
AND FRANKLY, YOU'RE DENYING
YOURSELF THE OPPORTUNITY
TO GO PLACES THAT
YOU COULD NEVER GO,
AND DO THINGS
YOU COULD
NEVER DO.
Emmett:
IT'S LIKE WHAT
BARBRA SAID
SO ELOQUENTLY
IN "HELLO, DOLLY!",
EVEN THOUGH SHE WASYEARS
TOO YOUNG FOR THE PART.
[ Imitating Barbra Streisand ]
"MONEY IS LIKE MANURE.
IT ISN'T WORTH A
THING UNLESS YOU
SPREAD IT AROUND,
ENCOURAGING
THINGS TO GROW.
YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN?"
KISS ME, HORACE.
[ Laughing ]
[ Ringing of school bell ]
THERE'S
A MEETING
AFTER SCHOOL
OF THE GAY-STRAIGHT
STUDENT ALLIANCE.
UH... UH, AFTER SCHOOL
THERE'S A MEETING...
THE GAY-STRAIGHT
STUDENT ALLIANCE.
HEY, YOU WANT
A FREE CONDOM?
OH, YEAH.
HERE, YOU GOTTA
TAKE ONE OF
THESE THEN.
COOL.
THANKS.
HERE.
SURE. HERE YOU GO.
UM, THERE'S
A MEETING
AFTER SCHOOL,
PLEASE TAKE
A FREE CONDOM
AND A FLYER.
BRIAN KNOWS
WHAT HE'S
TALKING ABOUT.
YEAH, HE'S
BRILLIANT.
AND HOT!
Hobbs:
[ Sarcastic ]
CAN I HAVE
A CONDOM?
SURE.
UM...
HEY, TAYLOR,
YOU STARTING
A FAGGOT CLUB?
IT'S FOR GAY STUDENTS
AND STRAIGHT STUDENTS.
TO PROMOTE
TOLERANCE AND
UNDERSTANDING.
SO NOW BUTT-
f**king IS AN
EXTRACURRICULAR
ACTIVITY?
NO, JUST HAND-JOBS.
[ Laboured breathing ]
[ Moans of arousal ]
YOU BETTER NEVER
MENTION THAT AGAIN,
YOU LITTLE c**ksucker.
Students:
[ Mixed chatter ]
Lindsay:
I ADMIT IT'S
A LITTLE CRAZY.
Brian:
CRAZY? YOU
KNOW, IF THIS
IS ABOUT MONEY,
I TOLD YOU I'D
HELP YOU OUT.
AND YOU HAVE.
BUT I GOT TO
START TAKING
CARE OF MYSELF.
I MEAN, I CAN'T
KEEP RELYING ON
YOU AND MELANIE.
OKAY, BUT DO YOU
HAVE TO f**king
MARRY HIM?
BUT IT'S NOT A
REAL MARRIAGE.
IT'S JUST AN
ARRANGEMENT.
WELL, HE
SHOULD ARRANGE
SOMETHING ELSE.
IF HE WAS
STRAIGHT, HE COULD
MEET SOMEONE,
FALL IN LOVE
AND GET MARRIED.
BUT BECAUSE
HE'S GAY,
THERE'S NO WAY.
AND THAT'S
NOT FAIR.
WELL, LISTEN TO
THE RIGHTEOUS
INDIGNATION.
KINDA SOUNDS
LIKE THE LINDSAY
I USED TO KNOW.
[ Chuckling ]
OH, YEAH, WHICH
LINDSAY WAS THAT?
THE LAST YEAR OF
COLLEGE WHEN YOU
TURNED INTO THAT
SCARY POLITICAL DYKE.
OH, HER. THE
ONE WHO STARTED
THE PETITION
TO MAKE DATE-
RAPE PUNISHABLE
BY CASTRATION.
I EVEN GOT
YOU TO SIGN.
YEAH, WELL, YOU
ALWAYS WERE ONE
FOR A WORTHY CAUSE.
LISTEN, MEL
AND I'VE BEEN
THINKING...
WAIT A MINUTE.
DID I JUST
HEAR YOU SAY...
"MEL AND I"?
DID YOU ACTUALLY
SAY THAT?
YEARS I HAVE
STRUGGLED
TO GET MEL AND
YOU TO BE CIVIL
TO EACH OTHER,
EVEN BE IN THE
SAME ROOM TOGETHER.
NOW ALL OF A
SUDDEN, MEL AND
YOU ARE ALLIES?
[ Clearing
of throat ]
HUH!
CHRIST.
WELL, I DON'T
HAVE TIME TO
WORRY ABOUT WHAT
MY SELFISH,
SELF-CENTRED,
NARCISSISTIC
FRIENDS THINK.
I HAVE TO THINK
ABOUT MY SON,
AND HOW I'M
GOING TO RAISE
AND SUPPORT HIM.
I HAVE TO THINK
ABOUT WHAT'S
BEST FOR HIM.
SO I THINK
YOU SHOULD
JUST f**k OFF.
I'M SURE THAT'S
A THOUGHT YOU
CAN UNDERSTAND.
I THOUGHT A
LOT MORE PEOPLE
WOULD COME,
DIDN'T YOU?
I MEAN, CONSIDERING
ALL THE CONDOMS
WE HANDED OUT.
YEAH. I GUESS
THEY COULDN'T
WAIT TO USE THEM.
HEY!
NOT A BAD
TURNOUT, HUH?
DEB, WH...
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
WELL, I THOUGHT
YOU COULD USE
SOME COOKIES AND
MORAL SUPPORT.
HERE YOU GO, KIDS. HUH?
ENJOY YOURSELVES.
HOME-BAKED.
[ Chuckle ]
MY GREAT-AUNT FAY,
WHO WAS IN BURLESQUE,
SAID YOU SHOULD
NEVER GO ON
IN FRONT OF A
HUNGRY AUDIENCE.
[ Giggling ]
WELL, I GUESS
WE SHOULD GET
STARTED, HUH?
Debbie:
WELL...
GOOD LUCK,
SUNSHINE. HMM?
YOU TOO,
DAPHNE. KNOCK
'EM DEAD.
[ Chuckle ]
[ Clearing of throat ]
COULD WE HAVE YOUR
ATTENTION? PLEASE?
[ Mixed chatter ]
[ Shrill whistle ]
[ Silence ]
THANK YOU.
HI. UM,
I'M DAPHNE.
WELCOME TO THE FIRST
MEETING OF THE ST. JAMES
GAY-STRAIGHT
STUDENT ALLIANCE.
IN THE UPCOMING
WEEKS, WE WILL BE
DISCUSSING ISSUES
THAT AFFECT ALL OF US
HERE AT ST. JAMES...
ISN'T THIS SUPPOSED
TO BE ABOUT SEX?
[ Murmurs of agreement ]
Justin:
SEX IS PART OF IT.
BUT IT'S ALSO
ABOUT OTHER THINGS.
LIKE HOW WE SEE OUR-
SELVES AND EACH OTHER.
f**k THIS. LET'S GO.
FAGGOT!
c**ksucker! HOMO!
FUDGE-PACKER!
THOSE ARE A FEW
OF THE NAMES THAT
I HAVE BEEN CALLED
BECAUSE I'M GAY.
I'VE ALSO BEEN TOLD
THAT I'M GOING TO HELL,
AND THAT I SHOULD
DIE OF AIDS.
MAYBE THE SAME THING
HAS HAPPENED TO YOU.
THAT IS WHY WE'RE HERE...
TO SEE IF WE CAN LEARN
TO ACCEPT OUR DIFFERENCES
AND RECOGNIZE
OUR SIMILARITIES.
BECAUSE GAY OR
STRAIGHT, WE ALL
WANT THE SAME THINGS.
ALL RIGHT, TAYLOR,
THAT'S ENOUGH.
WE'RE... WE'RE JUST
HAVING A MEETING.
DID YOU GET
PERMISSION FROM
THE PRINCIPAL?
DID YOU ASK TO USE
THIS CLASSROOM? DO
YOU HAVE AN ADVISOR?
HE'S GOT ME.
AND WHO ARE YOU?
DEBBIE NOVOTNY.
WHO ARE YOU?
I'M A MEMBER
OF THE FACULTY.
WELL THEN, YOU'LL
BE HAPPY TO KNOW
THAT WE'RE HAVING
A LITTLE EDUCATIONAL
PROGRAMME HERE.
SO WHY DON'T
YOU SIT DOWN?
YOU MIGHT
LEARN SOMETHING.
IS THIS PART OF
YOUR CURRICULUM?
YOU BET YOUR
a** IT IS.
NOW, ALL OF YOU, ON YOUR
WAY. THIS MEETING IS OVER.
Mr. Dixon:
COME ON.
LET'S GO.
[ Inaudible
whispers ]
[ Chuckle ]
Various:
YEAH, NICE TRY,
MAN. YEAH.
SEE YOU, JUSTIN.
SEE YOU, DAPHNE.
SEE YOU, MAN.
TRY AGAIN,
DAPHNE.
[ Long sigh ]
f**k.
[ Accordion ?????? ]
David:
MAN, IT'S BEEN
A LONG WEEK.
[ Scratching of
needle on record ]
I AM REALLY LOOKING
FORWARD TO TAKING
SOME TIME OFF.
GOT A PATIENT
AT 7:30.
GOOD NIGHT.
DAVID?
YES?
DO YOU THINK
I'M SELFISH?
[ Sigh ]
YOU?
WHAT KIND OF A
QUESTION IS THAT?
I MEAN, ABOUT...
N-NOT TAKING
YOU UP ON YOUR
GENEROSITY, LIKE...
LIKE GOING
ON THIS TRIP.
MICHAEL...
I ALREADY
TOLD YOU,
ALL I WANT TO DO
IS MAKE YOU HAPPY.
YEAH, BUT WHAT
ABOUT YOU?
WHAT WOULD...
[ Whispering ]
WOULD MAKE
YOU HAPPY?
WHAT WOULD
MAKE ME HAPPY?
SEEING YOU
SEE PARIS FOR
THE FIRST TIME,
SAILING DOWN
THE... SEINE ON
ABATEAU-MOUCHE,
HAVING THE
BEST MEAL OF
OUR LIVES AT...
"LE GRAND VEFOUR"
OR, UH...
"ALAIN DUCASSE".
SEEING YOUR
EYES LIGHT UP
WHEN YOU FIND SOME
NEAT LITTLE TOY
IN A FLEA MARKET;
THAT WOULD
MAKE ME HAPPY.
THAT WOULD MAKE
ME VERY HAPPY.
I WANT YOU
TO BE HAPPY.
ARE YOU SAYING
YOU WANT TO GO?
WELL, SINCE YOU
ALREADY WENT AHEAD
AND MADE THE PLANS
AND EVERYTHING...
DON'T DO ME
ANY FAVOURS.
NO, JUST PROMISE
ME YOU'LL LET ME
PAY FOR SOMETHING
EVERY ONCE
IN A WHILE.
I'LL LET YOU PAY
FOR THE BAGUETTES.
WHAT DO YOU SAY
WE PRACTICE
OUR FRENCH?
[ ?????? ]
?? SEVEN ??
?? HOLD IT ??
?? LET'S GO STRAIGHT
TO NUMBER ONE ??
[ ?????? ]
?? TO NUMBER ONE ??
[ ?????? ]
?? NUMBER ONE ??
[ ?????? ]
Guillaume:
THIS IS A
GOOD ONE.
Lindsay:
OH, I LIKE
THIS ONE TOO.
[ Chuckle ]
WE DO MAKE A
HANDSOME FAMILY.
HEIN?
MMM-HMM.
WE SHOULD PUT THIS
ONE IN A FRAME...
INSTEAD OF
THAT ONE.
Guillaume:
BRIAN. HE'S
VERY BEAUTIFUL.
LOTS OF GUYS WOULD
AGREE WITH YOU.
ESPECIALLY
HIS LIPS.
THEY'RE QUITE
KISSABLE, YES?
NO!
OH! LA LA! YOU
NEEDN'T WORRY.
I CAN TELL HE
DOESN'T LIKE ME.
AND NEITHER DOES
MELANIE OR YOUR
OTHER FRIENDS...
IT'S NOT YOU
THEY DON'T LIKE.
IT'S WHAT
WE'RE DOING.
BUT, IT'S NOT
THEIR DECISION.
HMMM.
WELL, YOU ARE
A WONDERFUL
PERSON, LINDSAY.
[ Scoffing ]
NO, NO, NO,
IT'S TRUE.
IF IT WEREN'T FOR
YOU, I'D HAVE TO
LEAVE THE STATES.
NOW I'LL BE
ABLE TO STAY.
[ Ringing of doorbell ]
[ Closing of door ]
CHERIE,
C'EST MELANIE.
GUS SHOULD BE
UP FROM HIS NAP.
I'LL GO CHECK.
I GUESS IF GUS LIKES
HIM, HE MUST BE OKAY.
GUS KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN WHO'S AN a**hole
AND WHO'S NOT, RIGHT?
RIGHT.
WHAT ARE THESE?
JUST SOME
PHOTOGRAPHS.
IT'S IMPORTANT TO
CREATE A HISTORY,
IN CASE IMMIGRATION
EVER DECIDES TO
PAY A VISIT.
OH, JESUS!
I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU'RE GOING
THROUGH WITH THIS...
THIS...
WHAT?
CHARADE.
AND FOR WHO?
SOMEBODY YOU
DON'T EVEN KNOW.
I TOLD YOU, HE'S A FRIEND.
I DON'T CARE
WHO HE IS.
IT'S THE MOST
MESHUGUEHIDEA
I EVER HEARD OF.
I GUARANTEE YOU
THAT IF I HAD
BEEN HERE...
WELL, YOU'RE NOT.
YOU'RE NOT HERE.
I WISH I WAS.
I MISS YOU, LINZ.
YOU'RE JUST SAY-
ING THAT BECAUSE
OF GUILLAUME.
[ Giggling ]
NO, I'M NOT.
I MISS YOU
EVERY MINUTE...
OF EVERY DAY.
AND IF I COULD
MISS YOU MORE
THAN THAT, I WOULD.
YOU THINK I
DON'T MISS YOU?
THEN WHY AREN'T
I HERE? I MEAN...
WHY AREN'T
WE RAISING OUR
SON TOGETHER?
IT DOESN'T
MAKE SENSE.
WELL, IT DID
AT THE TIME.
I MEAN, ALL THE
THINGS YOU SAID,
THAT I DIDN'T
GIVE YOU ENOUGH
AFFECTION...
OH...
THAT I WAS ONLY
CONCERNED ABOUT
GETTING MY OWN
NEEDS MET.
I WAS WRONG.
IT WAS ME.
I BECAME...
JEALOUS AND
RESENTFUL AND...
I DEMANDED
WAY TOO MUCH.
YOU WERE HURT.
SO WERE YOU.
YEAH.
WELL...
I GUESS
WE'RE ONLY...
HUMAN?
Both:
[ Chuckling ]
YEAH.
Guillaume:
PARDON?
UH, DO YOU WANT TO
GIVE GUS HIS LUNCH,
OR SHOULD I?
I'LL DO IT.
Michael:
OKAY, EVERYBODY WAVE.
COME ON. PUT
SOMETHING INTO IT.
OH, YOU CAN DO
BETTER THAN THAT.
WHO DO YOU
THINK WE ARE,
MATT DAMON AND
BEN AFFLECK?
[ Snorting ]
I WISH.
Michael:
NOW YOU GUYS CAN SEE
US RUNNING ALL OVER
THE STREETS OF PARIS,
AND IT'LL BE JUST LIKE
YOU'RE THERE WITH US.
OH, I CAN HARDLY WAIT.
THAT CAMERA IS THE
MOST EXPENSIVE MODEL.
MY DAD HAS ONE LIKE IT.
LET ME HAVE IT.
Michael:
ALL RIGHT.
YEAH, IT NOT ONLY
SHOOTS THE MOVIE,
IT... IT MAKES POPCORN
TO GO WITH IT.
Brian:
I GUESS YOU
DIDN'T GET IT
AT THE BIG Q.
DAVID LIKES
TO GO FOR
THE HIGH-END.
Ted:
THAT MUST KEEP
YOU ON YOUR TOES.
HEY, IS THAT
JACKET NEW?
Brian:
SNAZZY, MICHAEL.
BOSS. NOT BAD.
WELL, I HAD TO
HAVE SOMETHING
TO WEAR.
Ted:
CHECK OUT
THIS LUGGAGE.
Emmett:
OH! IT'S
EVEN GOT HIS
INITIALS ON IT.
OH, MY GOD!
IT DOES NOT.
MY, MY. CERTAINLY
GOING IN STYLE,
AREN'T WE?
YOU TOLD ME I
SHOULDN'T DENY
HIM THE PLEASURE.
OH, HE MUST
BE DELIRIOUS.
LOOK...
I OFFERED
TO HELP PAY,
BUT HE WOULDN'T
LET ME.
MMM. DON'T
WORRY, MIKEY.
YOU'LL PAY...
ONE WAY...
OR ANOTHER.
LET'S GO TO WOODY'S.
Emmett:
OKAY. BYE, BABY.
Justin:
BYE, MICHAEL.
Ted:
SEE YA.
YOU WANT
MY ADVICE?
HOLD OUT
FOR A ROLEX.
[ Closing of door ]
[ ?????? ]
[ Mixed chatter ]
Emmett:
OF COURSE
IT DID.
Brian:
f**k!
Justin:
WHAT DID?
THE OTHER BALL?
NO, YOUR FACE.
THE OTHER BALL...
[ Mixed chatter ]
WAIT.
s**t!
WHAT?
IT'S CHRIS HOBBS.
WHO'S THAT?
THAT a**hole FROM SCHOOL
I TOLD YOU ABOUT.
OH, HUH! YOU
DIDN'T TELL ME
HE WAS SO HOT.
HE HAS NO RIGHT
TO BE HERE.
FORGET HIM.
LET'S GO.
NO.
HEY, TAYLOR.
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
CHECKING OUT THE
FREAKS, LIKE YOU.
HUH. DOWN HERE
YOU'RE THE FREAK.
OUT OF THE
WAY... FAGGOT.
HEY!
Crowd:
[ Mixed reactions ]
BRIAN!
Justin:
HEY! HEY!
YOU GUYS SEE HIM?
YEAH.
YEAH.
YEAH.
YEAH.
WE GO TO SCHOOL
TOGETHER. HIS
NAME'S CHRIS HOBBS.
HE JUST CALLED
ME A FAGGOT.
Crowd:
[ Growls of disapproval ]
YOU SEE, CHRIS
DOESN'T LIKE FAGGOTS.
SHUT UP, TAYLOR.
OR MAYBE HE LIKES THEM
MORE THAN HE THINKS.
I SAID SHUT UP!
HE LET ME JERK HIM OFF.
Crowd:
[ Hoots of approval ]
THE FAGGOT GAVE
CHRIS HOBBS A HAND-JOB.
[ Laughter ]
AND HE LOVED IT.
[ Cheering ]
YOU ARE FUCKED!
Crowd:
[ Jeering laughter ]
I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU DID THAT.
YOU GO, BABY!
CONGRATULATIONS.
WHAT?
JUST MADE
YOURSELF A
REALENEMY.
[ ?????? ]
CLOSED CAPTIONED
BYCOMPREHENSIVE DISTRIBUTORS
MOO!
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...
ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, FIVE, SIX.
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ ?????? ]
ONE, TWO, THREE.
[ ?????? ]
MMM, HERE WE ARE IN FRONT
OF THE ARC DE TRIOMPHE.
AND HERE WE ARE IN FRONT
OF THE SACRE-COEUR.
Ted:
[ Snoring ]
Michael:
AND HERE WE
ARE IN FRONT OF
NAPOLEON'S TOMB.
LUCKY HIM.
HE'S DEAD.
Michael:
HERE I AM
PLAYING...
A LOAF OF FRENCH
BREAD, LIKE A...
Debbie:
WOULD YOU TWO
CUT IT OUT?
MA, YOU'RE
INTERRUPTING.
WELL, I HATE IT WHEN
COUPLES MAKE OUT IN
FRONT OF YOU.
IT'S FRENCH.
WE'RE FRENCHING.
Michael:
AND WITH THAT,
DAVID AND MICHAEL
BID ADIEU TO PARIS.
FIN.
THAT MEANS THE END.
BON.THAT
MEANS GOOD.
WELL, I HOPE EVERYONE
WASN'T TOO BORED.
ARE YOU KIDDING?
I HAVEN'T BEEN
THAT ENTERTAINED
SINCE "GANDHI".
OH, IT JUST LOOKED LIKE
THE TRIP OF A LIFETIME.
Brian:
IT SURE FELT
THAT LONG.
Michael:
THE THING YOU HAVE TO
REMEMBER ABOUT PARIS
IS NOT DINING
AT LUCAS-CARTON,
OR SHOPPING ON THE
RUE DE ST-SULPICE.
IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS.
YOU KNOW, SHARING
A BAGUETTE
WHILE STROLLING
SUR LA SEINE...
THESUR LEWHAT, HONEY?
THE SEINE, MOTHER.
IT'S A RIVER.
THANKS, BABY.
MM-HMM.
WOULD ANYONE LIKE
SOME, UH,VIN ROUGE?
LUCY, YOU
WOULDN'T KNOW
THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEENVIN ROUGE
AND LISTERINE.
OKAY, ALL I WANT
TO KNOW IS,
DID YOU MEET
CATHERINE DENEUVE?
OH, GOD,
I LOVE HER.
NO, BUT WE
DID MEET THIS
WONDERFUL COUPLE
UH, IN VERSAILLES.
OH, LET ME GUESS,
LOUIS AND MARIE?
NO, JEAN-PIERRE
AND YVETTE.
THEY HAVE THE MOST
FABULOUSMAISON
IN THE 16th.
OH, TRY THE BRIE.
TASTES LIKE CUM.
Various:
OH, JEEZ!...
WHERE'S THE CHEDDAR?
HEY, MIND IF
I JOIN YOU?
NO.
HEY, SWEETIE.
HI!
OH-HO-HO, GOD,
HE GETS BIGGER
EVERY TIME
I SEE HIM.
IT'S ALL THAT
DELICIOUS FRENCH
BABY FOOD
GUILLAUME
MAKES HIM.
SO THIS, UH,
ARRANGEMENT'S
WORKING OUT FOR YOU?
YEAH, A LOT BETTER
THAN I THOUGHT.
Gus:
[ Cooing ]
HONEY, EVEN IF
YOU DON'T WANT TO
LISTEN TO ME AS...
SOMEONE WHO
CARES ABOUT YOU,
I WISH YOU'D AT
LEAST TAKE MY
LEGAL ADVICE.
ACTUALLY... WE'RE
GETTING MARRIED
A WEEK FROM TODAY.
WHAT'D HE DO?
KNOCK YOU UP?
NO, HIS DEPOR-
TATION LETTER
CAME YESTERDAY.
SO WE HAVE
TO DO IT NOW.
MAYBE MICHAEL CAN
FILM THE CEREMONY.
IT'S GOT TO
LOOK REAL,
IN CASE THERE'S
AN EVIDENTIARY
HEARING.
[ Cooing ]
Melanie:
I AM FREAKING OUT.
Brian:
WHY? BECAUSE SHE
DIDN'T ASK YOU
TO BE MAID
OF HONOUR?
OU THINK THIS
IS FUNNY?
THEY'RE GOING
THROUGH WITH IT...
NEXT WEEK!
IT'S NOT LIKE
THEY'RE REALLY
GETTING MARRIED.
IT'S JUST SO
HE CAN STAY
IN THE COUNTRY.
NOW, WHAT IF
HE NEVER LEAVES?
WHAT IF HE
BECOMES A PER-
MANENT FIXTURE?
WHAT IF MY
AUNT HAD BALLS?
SHE'D BE
MY UNCLE.
NOW IT'S TOO
LATE. IT'S
ALL MY FAULT.
AND THERE'S NOT
A GODDAMN THING
WE CAN DO ABOUT IT.
SHOTGUN.
CAN'T WE LEAVE THAT
FOR MAGDELENA?
THAT IS WHY
WE PAY HER.
YOU KNOW ME.
I CAN'T SLEEP
UNTIL EVERY-
THING'S PUT AWAY.
YOU'RE SO ANAL.
LUCKY FOR YOU.
HMM.
HEY!
WHOA! MMM, AHH!
CAREFUL, CAREFUL,
CAREFUL!
GEEZ, WHAT
WAS THAT FOR?
WELL, I DON'T
BELIEVE I THANKED
YOU PROPERLY
FOR SHOWING ME
THE BEST TIME
OF MY LIFE.
WELL, I DON'T
BELIEVE I THANKED
YOU EITHER...
FOR LETTING
ME SHOW YOU.
COULD YOU BELIEVE
TED SNORING?
I THOUGHT HE
WAS BUILDING
A LOG CABIN.
THOSE GUYS HAVE
NO IDEA
THAT THERE IS
A WORLD OUTSIDE
OF LIBERTY AVENUE.
WELL, YOU DIDN'T
EITHER UNTIL
LAST WEEK.
THIS CAB
IS GREAT.
I'M GOING TO
ORDER A CASE
OF THIS
AND SERVE IT FOR
SENATOR BAXTER.
DO YOU THINK
I SHOULD'VE
INVITED THEM?
WHO?
MY MOM AND
UNCLE VIC,
AND THE GUYS.
I THOUGHT YOU
DIDN'T WANT TO.
I THOUGHT YOU
DIDN'T WANT ME TO.
I SAID IT'D
BE FINE, AS
LONG AS
BRIAN BEHAVES
HIMSELF.
OH, YOU KNOW,
POLITICAL
FUND-RAISERS,
[ Stammering ]
I JUST DON'T THINK
IT'S THEIR THING.
SENATOR BAXTER'S
VERY SUPPORTIVE
OF GAY ISSUES.
I WOULD THINK
THAT'S EVERY-
BODY'S THING.
YEAH, BUT I DON'T...
I JUST DIDN'T KNOW
IF THEY'D BE
COMFORTABLE
AROUND OUR
OTHER FRIENDS,
AND A, A
STATE SENATOR.
THEN YOU
MADE THE
GHT DECISION.
EVERY CLUB IS
ALLOWED TO MEET,
EXCEPT OURS.
IT'S NOT FAIR.
WELCOME TO THE
REAL WORLD, DAPH.
NOBODY GIVES
A s**t ABOUT
A GAY-STRAIGHT
ALLIANCE.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
LOOK HOW MANY
PEOPLE CAME.
WHAT, EIGHT?
AND TWO LEFT.
I COUNTED.
BESIDES, THEY
ONLY CAME 'CAUSE
WE HANDED OUT
CONDOMS.
[ Coughing ]
CAN YOU BELIEVE
HOW HE WAS
CARRYING ON?
"SUR LA SEINE."
I NEARLY CHOKED
ON MY PATE.
HE'S JUST DAZZLED.
GIVE HIM A COUPLE
OF DAYS BACK AT
LE GRAND Q MART,
HE'LL COME
DOWN TO EARTH.
I DON'T KNOW.
EVER SINCE HE'S
BEEN WITH DAVID,
IT'S LIKE HE'S GOT
THIS WHOLE NEW LIFE.
PLEASE, HE WAS
LIKE, MY ROOMMATE
FOR TWO YEARS.
NOW I NEVER
EVEN SEE HIM.
WE HAVE TO BEG
HIM TO COME OUT
TO THE BARS.
HE WON'T f**king
RETURN MY CALLS.
OH, MY GOD! WOULD
YOU LOOK AT THAT?
OHH...
WHO WOULD DRIVE
A GOLD MIATA?
Brian:
WITH THE
TOP DOWN?
IN WINTER?
[ Laughing ]
HOW DO YOU
LIKE IT?
OH, THIS
IS YOURS?
DAVID GOT
IT FOR ME.
HE-HE BOUGHT YOU
A f**king CAR?
CHECK OUT
THE PLATES.
Brian:
CAPTAIN ASTRO.
THAT'S CUTE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THE COLOUR?
I WAS WORRIED
THAT THE GOLD
MIGHT BE A
TAD SHOWY.
OH, YOU WOULDN'T
WANT THAT.
AH.
YOU KNOW, I CALLED
YOU THIS MORNING.
BUT, UH, YOU DIDN'T
CALL ME BACK.
WELL, I'VE BEEN
REALLY BUSY...
WANNA GO TO THE
GYM WITH US?
I CAN'T, I'M
MEETING DAVID AT
OUR SPORTS CLUB.
WELL, WHAT'RE YOU
DOING TONIGHT?
HOW ABOUT COMING OUT
TO WOODY'S WITH US?
[ Sighing ]
SORRY, NO
CAN DO.
WE HAVE RESERVATIONS
AT PAPPAGANO
WITH BOBO
AND MELISANDE.
Emmett & Ted:
[ Chuckle ]
BOBO AND
MELISANDE?
SOUNDS LIKE
A COUPLE OF
DRAG QUEENS.
UM, BOBO IS A BROKER.
WE HAVE OUR INVEST-
MENTS WITH HIM.
[ Ringing of cell phone ]
"OUR".
[ Ringing of cell phone ]
HI, HONEY.
IT'S...
DAVID.
DAVID. YEAH.
YEAH, DON'T
WORRY. I-I JUST
PICKED THEM UP.
AND I ALREADY
SPOKE TO THE
CATERER.
HAVING A PARTY?
IT'S JUST... IT'S JUST A
COUPLE OF DAVID'S FRIENDS,
FOR DINNER.
WELL, UM, I... I
BETTER GET GOING.
Michael:
SEE YOU!
TA-TA.
BYE-BYE.
CIAO!
SO, WHAT DO
YOU THINK?
IT'S LIKE A MOVIE.
A HORROR MOVIE.
GUILLAUME STILL HAS
TO FIT IT FOR ME.
HE'S GREAT WITH A
NEEDLE AND THREAD.
IS THERE ANYTHING
HE CAN'T DO?
CHARM MY FRIENDS.
YOU KNOW, I-I DIDN'T
KNOW HE WAS TRYING.
OH, WELL IF IT
ISN'T COCO CHANEL.
COMPANY.
AREN'T WE LUCKY.
Lindsay:
WHAT DO
YOU THINK?
WELL...
IT'S GOING TO
TAKE A LOT OF
WORK, BUT...
YOU WILL BE A
VISION BY THE
TIME I'M THROUGH.
Lindsay:
THANKS, GUI.
I'LL GET HIM.
Guillaume:
THERE'S GUS.
OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
HE'S USED TO ME.
SO WHAT IS THE
GROOM GOING
TO BE WEARING?
A VERY CONSERVATIVE,
VERY TRADITIONAL
BLACK TUX.
WE CAN'T TAKE
ANY CHANCES, IT
HAS TO LOOK REAL.
THIS IS A
f**king FARCE.
HEY, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO LOSE
YOUR TEMPER.
WHY NOT?
YOU'VE LOST
YOUR MIND.
WELL, I NEVER
THOUGHT I'D SEE
MYSELF IN ONE
OF THESE.
ALTHOUGH NOW AND
THEN, I MUST ADMIT
I OFTEN DREAMED
OF BEING A BRIDE.
IT'S TRUE.
I SUPPOSE EVEN
DYKES CAN'T ESCAPE
THAT FANTASY.
[ Sighing ]
ONLY YOU'RE MARRYING
THE WRONG PERSON.
YOU NEVER
ASKED ME.
I MEAN MELANIE.
YEAH, LAST TIME I
CHECKED, WE LIVED
IN PITTSBURGH
AND NOT VERMONT.
AND ANYWAY,
IT'S TOO LATE.
MEL AND I
ARE FINISHED.
SHE DOESN'T
THINK SO.
IN FACT, ALL
SHE THINKS
ABOUT IS YOU.
SHE BLAMES HERSELF,
FOR EVERYTHING.
WELL, SHE'S WRONG.
BECAUSE IT'S ME.
'CAUSE I PUSHED
HER AWAY.
WHY WOULD YOU
PUSH AWAY SOME-
ONE YOU LOVE?
[ Opening of door ]
SORRY FOR
TAKING SO LONG.
HE WAS BEING...
VERY FUSSY.
ALORS,SHALL WE
START ON THE GOWN?
Guillaume:
OKAY, I JUST WANT
TO PIN... HERE.
EVERYTHING WAS
DESTROYED.
MY DRAWINGS,
MY BOOKS.
YOU KNOW
WHO DID IT?
I CAN GUESS.
CHRIS HOBBS.
I SAY WE GO AND BEAT
THE s**t OUT OF HIM.
HEY, WE'RE TRYING TO
BE CONSTRUCTIVE HERE.
I THOUGHT I WAS.
DID YOU TELL
THE PRINCIPAL?
HE DOESN'T CARE.
IT'S ALL BECAUSE
OF THIS GROUP.
WHAT GROUP?
JUSTIN AND DAPHNE
STARTED THE GAY-STRAIGHT
STUDENT ALLIANCE.
YEAH, BUT THEY
SHUT US DOWN.
SAID WE DIDN'T
GO THROUGH THE
PROPER CHANNELS.
EVEN IF YOU HAD,
IT PROBABLY WOULDN'T
HAVE MADE ANY
DIFFERENCE.
DO YOU HAVE TO PISS
ON THE KID'S IDEALISM?
HE MIGHT AS WELL
KNOW THE TRUTH.
WE JUST WANTED
A PLACE TO TALK.
WE COULDN'T
EVEN HAVE THAT.
WELL, CONSIDERING
WHAT'S HAPPENED,
MAYBE IT'S BEST
THAT YOU DON'T...
DRAW ATTENTION
TO YOURSELF.
YOU WANT ME TO HIDE?
I WANT YOU TO BE SAFE.
SO I SHOULD
JUST GIVE IN.
LET THEM INTIMIDATE
ME MY ENTIRE LIFE.
YOU STICK UP FOR
YOURSELF, SUNSHINE.
AND YOU STAND BESIDE HIM.
DEBBIE, WOULD YOU
PLEASE STAY OUT OF THIS?
I FORGOT.
HE JUST EATS, SLEEPS
AND JERKS OFF HERE.
I'LL KEEP MY
BIG MOUTH SHUT.
MOM, THIS ISN'T
ABOUT ME,
OR EVEN WHAT
HAPPENED AT
SCHOOL.
THIS IS ABOUT
SPEAKING OUT.
DEMANDING
TO BE HEARD,
WHETHER PEOPLE
WANT TO HEAR
YOU OR NOT.
WHERE'D YOU
LEARN ALL THAT?
IT'S WHAT YOU
AND DAD TAUGHT ME.
WE DID?
WELL, HE SURE
AS HELL DIDN'T
LEARN IT
AT THE ST. JAMES ACADEMY.
SO, HOW WAS
DINNER WITH, UH...
BOBO AND...
MELISAND?
MELISANDE.
MELISANDE'S A HOOT. AND
BOBO'S LIKE, THE SMARTEST
PERSON I HAVE EVER MET.
YOU... YOU'D LOVE THEM.
UH-HUH.
UM, COULD YOU NOT
LEAN ON THAT?
I JUST GOT DONE
POLISHING IT.
SORRY.
SO WHY HAVEN'T
YOU INTRODUCED
ANY OF YOUR...
NEW BEST FRIENDS
TO ANY OF YOUR
OLD BEST FRIENDS?
WELL, WHO'S
HAD THE TIME?
YOU KNOW, WE JUST
GOT BACK FROM PARIS.
YOU WENT
TO PARIS?
GOD, I HADN'T HEARD.
f**k OFF.
YEAH, MAYBE
YOU'D LIKE THAT.
WHAT?
NOW THAT YOU'VE GOT THIS
FABULOUS NEW LIFE...
THAT'S bulls**t.
IS IT?
YOU MISSED A SPOT.
HOW LONG HAVE
I KNOWN YOU?
LIKE, FOREVER?
I DON'T THINK
IT'S bulls**t.
COULD YOU
MOVE, PLEASE?
THE TRIP AND THE
CLOTHES AND THE CAR.
THEY'RE BORING.
YOU'RE BORING.
BORING? WELL, I
HAPPEN TO THINK
I'VE BECOME
A VERY INTER-
ESTING PERSON.
YOU'VE BECOME
A f**king
LITTLE SNOT.
WHY? 'CAUSE
I FINALLY
HAVE A LIFE?
WHOSE LIFE?
YOURS?...
OR HIS?
[ Scoffing ]
JUSTIN TELLS ME
THAT OVER THE PAST
COUPLE OF MONTHS
HE'S BEEN
PHYSICALLY
ATTACKED,
HARASSED,
CALLED NAMES,
AND NOTHING
HAS BEEN DONE
TO STOP IT.
WELL, MRS. TAYLOR,
I CAN ASSURE YOU
THAT HAD I KNOWN
ABOUT IT,
I WOULD NEVER
HAVE TOLERATED
SUCH BEHAVIOUR.
WELL, HE ALSO SAID
THAT HE TRIED TO
START A CLUB
FOR GAY AND
STRAIGHT STUDENTS,
AND YOU REFUSED
TO ALLOW THEM
TO MEET.
AS ONE OF THE
TEACHERS ALREADY
EXPLAINED TO JUSTIN,
HE... HE DIDN'T
GO THROUGH THE
PROPER CHANNELS.
AND WHAT ARE THE
PROPER CHANNELS?
WELL, FIRST HE
WOULD HAVE TO
GET APPROVAL
FROM THE SCHOOL
BOARD, OF WHICH
I AM THE HEAD.
AND THEN HE WOULD
HAVE TO SEEK APPROVAL
FOR A MEETING ROOM,
FIND A
FACULTY ADVISOR,
NONE OF WHICH JUSTIN
BOTHERED TO DO.
WELL, I'M SURE HE
WOULD'VEBOTHERED,
HAD HE KNOWN.
SO... WHERE ARE THE
FORMS? WE CAN FILL
THEM OUT RIGHT NOW.
MRS. TAYLOR, AS YOU
KNOW, ST. JAMES IS
A PRIVATE ACADEMY.
WE ARE NOT
REQUIRED TO
MAKE ALLOWANCES
FOR EVERYONE
AND EVERYTHING.
THAT'S WHY PARENTS
SEND THEIR CHILDREN
TO THIS SCHOOL,
FOR THE SPECIAL
ENVIRONMENT.
AND FOR THE
SUPERIOR
EDUCATION,
WHICH JUSTIN
IS GETTING,
WHEN HE PUTS
HIS MIND TO IT.
WHAT DOES THIS HAVE
TO DO WITH HAVING A
GAY-STRAIGHT ALLIANCE?
ALL RIGHT, SUPPOSE
I GAVE YOU PERMISSION
TO ORGANIZE YOUR CLUB.
AND THEN ANOTHER
STUDENT CAME TO ME
AND ASKED TO START
A CLUB FOR, SAY,
WHITE SUPREMACISTS.
SHOULD I ALLOW
THAT TOO?
EXCUSE ME, DR. PERKINS,
BUT I HAPPEN TO
FIND THAT ANALOGY
EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE.
SOME OF OUR PARENTS
WOULD BE HARD-PRESSED
TO SEE THE DISTINCTION.
WELL, I'M HARD-PRESSED
TO SEE THE SIMILARITY.
NOT EVERYONE
IS AS ACCEPTING OF
YOUR SON'S SEXUAL
PREFERENCE AS YOU ARE.
IT'S NOT A PREFERENCE.
I WAS THAT WAY
AT FIRST TOO.
WHICH IS WHY IT'S IM-
PORTANT THAT THEY LEARN.
MRS. TAYLOR, THERE ARE
MORE IMPORTANT LESSONS
TO BE TAUGHT HERE.
THAN TOLERANCE?
ANYONE SEEN A
CERTAIN HOT
LITTLE ITEM
IN OUR LOCAL
GAY RAG?
IS MY AD STILL
RUNNING?
"IF YOU'VE
GOT IT, I'LL
SIT ON IT"?
IS THAT YOU?
NO.
I MEAN... THIS.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T
THINK I'VE EVER
OPENED THIS PAPER
FROM THE FRONT.
"...FUNDRAISER
FOR STATE SENATOR
DIANE BAXTER
WILL BE HELD
AT THE HOME OF
DR. DAVID CAMERON
ANDMR.MICHAEL NOVOTNY."
Debbie:
WHAT?
LET ME SEE THAT.
HEY, CAN WE
HAVE OUR FOOD?
EAT THE BREAD.
OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY BABY'S
IN HIGH SOCIETY.
OH, AND HERE'S
THE HOSTESS WITH
THE MOSTESS.
WHY DIDN'T YOU
TELL ME ABOUT THIS?
ENTERTAINING
A SENATOR!
Brian:
GOD, YOU'RE
A SOCIETY LADY
NOW, MIKEY.
I HOPE YOU DON'T SHOW HER
THOSE SLIDES FROM PARIS.
THAT'S JUST A LITTLE THING
THAT DAVID'S THROWING.
I THINK HE GAVE THE
SENATOR AN ADJUSTMENT
ONCE, OR SOMETHING.
COULD WE PLEASE
HAVE OUR FOOD?
IT'S SALAD, HON'.
IT'S NOT GOING
TO GET COLD.
[ Chuckle ]
OH, s**t!
WHAT DO YOU
WEAR TO MEET
A SENATOR?
OH, I THINK
I'M GOING TO
WEAR MY, UM,
MY ORANGE SUIT,
AND MY NEW LIME
GREEN TIE.
OH, UNDERSTATED,
YEAH. THAT'S DEFI-
NITELY THE WAY TO GO.
HOW ABOUT YOU, BRIAN?
A LITTLE ARMANI?
ZEGNA? PRADA?
NADA.
I WASN'T
INVITED.
OF COURSE
YOU'RE INVITED.
WE'RE ALL INVITED.
RIGHT, HONEY?
WELL, IT'S GOING
TO BE REALLY STUFFY.
YOU KNOW,
NO FUN AT ALL.
AND YOU HAVE
TO MAKE A CON-
TRIBUTION...
Debbie:
SO? I MEAN, HOW
OFTEN DO YOU GET
TO MEET A SENATOR?
WELL, YOU
HAVE TO WORK.
I'LL TAKE IT OFF.
LOOK, THIS JUST
ISN'T YOUR
THING, OKAY?
SO JUST DROP IT.
NOW CAN I PLEASE GET THE
TURKEY MEATLOAF TO GO?
OKAY, SWEETIE.
UH, JUST LET ME
SERVE THIS MAN
HIS DINNER.
I GOTTA GO TO
THE WASHROOM.
SAY, TED, AS
MY ACCOUNTANT,
WHAT DO YOU THINK
ABOUT INCREASING
MY POLITICAL
CONTRIBUTIONS?
[ Party chatter ]
AND I DO HAVE
TO THANK YOU
AGAIN, DAVID,
FOR OPENING UP
YOUR BEAUTIFUL
HOME TO US.
WELL, THANK
YOU, SENATOR,
FOR YOUR ONGOING
COMMITMENT TO PRO-
GAY LEGISLATION.
OH, BELIEVE ME,
IF I HAVE ANYTHING
TO DO WITH IT,
AND I INTEND TO,
YOU AND MICHAEL
WILL BE CELEBRATING
YOUR WEDDING RECEPTION
RIGHT HERE.
LET'S DRINK
TO THAT.
MMM!
All:
[ Chuckling ]
NOW IF YOU'LL
EXCUSE ME,
I SHOULD, UM...
DO WHAT I'M
SUPPOSED TO DO
AT THESE AFFAIRS,
AND DRUM UP
SOME DONATIONS.
GOOD LUCK.
THANK YOU.
THANKS.
THE LAST PARTY
I WAS AT,
WE WATCHED
"I DON'T GIVE
A s**t WHAT YOU
DID LAST SUMMER"
AND ATE BEER
AND NACHOS.
NOW YOU'RE
DRINKING
CHAMPAGNE
EATING CAVIAR TARTS
AND ENTERTAINING
A SENATOR.
Emmett:
I HOPE WE'RE
NOT TOO LATE.
I'D HATE TO
MISS THE CRUDITIES.
OH, s**t.
JESUS. THIS LOOKS
LIKE A WAKE.
WHO DIED?
HEY, NOVOTNY!
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
WELL, WE WOULDN'T
HAVE MISSED
YOUR PARTY
FOR THE WORLD,
SWEETHEART.
Ted:
YEAH, WE FIGURE
OUR INVITATION
GOT LOST IN THE MAIL.
DAMN THAT
POSTAL SERVICE.
I'M GOING TO WRITE
MY SENATOR.
YOU DON'T HAVE
TO. SHE'S HERE.
THIS IS A
PRIVATE BENEFIT.
YOU CAN'T JUST BREAK IN.
Vic:
"BREAK IN"?
WE'RE FAMILY,
NOT BANDITS.
HERE'S A LITTLE
CHEQUE, DOC.
I THINK IT SHOULD
BE ENOUGH TO
COVER ALL OF US.
NICE TIE,
MIKEY.
'SCUSE ME.
Waiter:
CARE TO TRY
A TART?
COCKTAIL?
OR TWO OR THREE.
I'M SO
SORRY, DAVID.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
THAT THEY WOULD
SHOW UP UNINVITED.
I DON'T THINK
SENATOR BAXTER
IS GOING TO MIND
WHEN SHE SEES
THE SIZE OF
THAT CONTRIBUTION.
THIS MUSIC SUCKS d*ck.
I BELIEVE IT'S
JAZZ FUSION.
YEAH, IN PHYSICS A
FUSION IS SUPPOSED
TO CAUSE A BLAST.
LIKE...
THIS!
[ Disco ?????? ]
YOU WANT TO DANCE?
I DON'T DANCE.
YOU DO NOW.
Senator Baxter:
THANKS FOR
YOUR SUPPORT.
SENATOR BAXTER?
YES, I AM.
OH, I SAW
YOU IN "OUT".
I'M DEBBIE NOVOTNY.
HELLO.
AND THIS IS MY
BROTHER VIC.
HOW DO YOU DO?
HELLO.
I'M MICHAEL'S MOTHER.
OH.
YOU KNOW, OUR HOST.
YES, AND A VERY
CHARMING YOUNG
MAN HE IS.
WE USED TO
THINK SO.
OH MY GOD,
THEY'VE CORNERED
THE SENATOR.
WE HAVE TO
SAVE HER.
SHE'S A POLITICIAN,
MICHAEL.
SHE CAN TALK
HER WAY OUT
OF ANYTHING.
HEY, HOW
YOU DOING?
CAN I GET YOU A DRINK?
CARE TO DANCE?
HUH... I'M NOT
INTO LEATHER.
HEY, YOU KNOW,
NEITHER WAS I.
THEN I RAN
INTO THIS OLD
SCHOOL FRIEND
WHO SHACKLED ME
IN HIS DUNGEON
AND MADE ME
HIS SUCK-PIG.
Emmett:
BLACK AND
BLUE, IT'S...
IT'S FINE FOR
BRUISES, BOYS,
BUT WHEN YOU COME
TO A PARTY, YOU NEED
A LITTLE COLOUR.
HA, NOW, YOU...
OH MY LORD,
W-WHO DRESSED
YOU, HONEY?
MORTICIA ADDAMS? HUH.
HERE, TURN AROUND.
[ Clearing of throat ]
SEE, NOW YOU HAVE
A FABULOUS
BUBBLE-BUTT.
BUT IT'S NOT GOING
TO DO YOU ANY GOOD
IF YOU DON'T
SHOW IT OFF.
YOU TOO. JACKETS
OFF, LET'S SEE
THOSE BODS.
COME ON.
COME ON,
CHOP, CHOP.
THIS LADY
IS A TRAMP,
AND TONIGHT JACK'S
NOT THE ONLY ONE
GETTING LUCKY.
Gus:
[ Fussing ]
COME ON.
OH, MAN.
ALL RIGHT.
OOH, OKAY,
ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL CALL MOMMY.
[ Ringing of phone ]
HELLO?
HI, IT'S ME.
I KNOW IT'S LATE.
IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
Lindsay: [ On Phone ]
It's Gus. He's in
one of his moods.
OH.
I REMEMBER HIS MOODS.
LOOK, YOU'RE THE ONE
WITH THE MAGIC TOUCH.
WOULD YOU MIND?
OVER THE PHONE?
I'm desperate.
I'll try anything.
[ Whispering ]
HERE YOU GO.
[ Fussing ]
[ Clearing of throat ]
[ Sighing ]
?? THE MOMENT I WAKE UP ??
?? BEFORE I PUT ON
MY MAKEUP ??
?? I SAY A LITTLE
PRAYER FOR YOU ??
?? I'm brushing
my hair now ??
?? and wondering what
dress to wear now ??
?? I SAY A LITTLE
PRAYER FOR YOU ??
?? FOREVER, FOREVER ??
?? YOU'LL STAY
IN MY HEART ??
?? AND I WILL LOVE YOU ??
?? FOREVER... AND EVER ??
?? WE NEVER WILL PART ??
[ Breaking of voice ]
[ Clearing of throat ]
Melanie:
Did that work?
LIKE A CHARM.
HE'S STILL THE ONLY
ONE WHO APPRECIATES
YOUR SINGING.
WHAT? I HAVE A
LOVELY VOICE.
YOU CAN BARELY
CARRY A TUNE.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
Yeah, it is.
YEAH, IT IS.
LISTEN, THANKS
FOR HELPING.
[ Cooing ]
'NIGHT, MEL.
[ Whispering ]
'NIGHT.
[ Cooing ]
[ Kissing ]
[ ?????? ]
[ Gasp of horror ]
[ Panting
with outrage ]
[ ?????? ]
BRIAN.
DON'T WORRY,
I'M JUST GIVING
HIM A TOUR
OF YOUR...
LOVELY HOME.
Michael:
DAVID, I'M
SO SORRY.
David:
WHY?
I DON'T HEAR
ANYONE COMPLAINING.
Debbie:
I SAY KICK THOSE
REPUBLICANS RIGHT
IN THE BALLS.
ONLY THEY
HAVEN'T GOT ANY.
Both:
[ Laughing ]
OH MY GOD!
MA, COULD YOU, UM,
STOP MONOPOLIZING
THE SENATOR?
I'M SORRY,
DIANE...
"DIANE"?
MICHAEL, YOUR
MOTHER IS A
REMARKABLE WOMAN.
YOU KNOW, DAVID,
I ATTEND A LOT
OF FUNDRAISERS.
AND I MEAN,
EVERYBODY
MEANS WELL,
BUT I GOT
TO TELL YOU,
THEY'RE USUALLY
VERY BORING THINGS.
NOT THIS ONE,
I'M HAVING A BALL.
MA, UM, CAN I
TALK TO YOU
FOR A SECOND?
SURE, SWEETIE.
'SCUSE ME,
DIANE.
MM-HMM.
HEY, SUNSHINE,
COME HERE.
TELL DIANE
ABOUT THE CLUB
YOU STARTED.
THIS IS ONE
GODDAMN
BRAVE KID.
I LOVE HIM.
TALK TO HER.
[ Chuckle ]
HOW DO YOU DO?
CARRY THAT A
LITTLE HIGHER.
THERE YOU
GO, SWEETIE,
THAT'S IT.
PROFESSIONAL
COURTESY.
[ Chuckling ]
HOW DARE YOU
DO THIS TO ME?
AND TO DAVID.
DO WHAT? I WAS
JUST TALKING
TO DIANE.
DO YOU KNOW
THAT SHE WORKED
AS A WAITRESS?
TO TAKE CARE
OF HER FAMILY.
SHE WAS JUST
BEING POLITE.
POLITE?
DO YOU ACTUALLY
THINK SHE WANTED
TO SPEND
HER ENTIRE EVENING
TALKING TO YOU?
WELL, IT'S NOT
AS IF I NAILED
HER TO THE FLOOR.
I THINK YOU
SHOULD ALL LEAVE.
THIS PARTY WAS
A STINKER WHEN
WE GOT HERE.
YOU SHOULD BE
THANKING US.
FOR EMBARRASSING
THE HELL OUT OF ME?
YOU KNOW, I KNOW
I'M HARD TO TAKE.
SOMETIMES.
HMM? MY JOKES,
AND MY APPEARANCE,
AND MY ENTHUSIASM.
AND I KNOW THAT
SOMETIMES YOU'RE
ASHAMED OF ME.
AND THAT'S OKAY.
I'M YOUR MOTHER,
AND IT'S PART
OF THE DEAL.
BUT, MICHAEL...
I NEVER THOUGHT
THE DAY WOULD COME
THAT I WOULD BE
ASHAMED OF YOU.
[ ?????? ]
Guillaume:
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
YOU DON'T HAVE
ANY WHITE PEACHES?
OH, PITTSBURGH.
[ Humming ]
HE EVEN DOES
THE SHOPPING.
AH, LOOK WHO'S
HERE GUS, YOUR
SPERM DONOR.
AND YOU THOUGHT
HE HAD A JOB.
IT'S CALLED
"LUNCH BREAK".
MM-HMM.
YOU KNOW, YOU
SHOULDN'T PUT THINGS
IN YOUR MOUTH THAT
AREN'T WASHED.
YOU FRENCH,
SO HYGIENIC.
I'LL TAKE
MY CHANCES.
AS YOU WISH.
OF COURSE,
YOU'RE USED TO
LIVING AT RISK.
WELL, YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE TAKING
QUITE A RISK
YOURSELF.
IN FACT, IF SOME-
ONE WANTED TO,
THEY COULD
REPORT YOU.
YES... IT WOULD BE
TROUBLE FOR ME.
I COULD BE SENT
BACK TO FRANCE.
BUT IT'D BE
FAR WORSE
FOR LINDSAY.
SHE COULD BE
SENT TO JAIL,
WHICH IS NOT EXACTLY
THE COTE D'AZUR.
YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY
SHOULDN'T DO THAT.
OH, I TRIED STOPPING
HER, BELIEVE ME.
BUT SHE WON'T HEAR
OF IT. YOU KNOW WHAT
A BIG HEART SHE HAS.
WHAT DO YOU
THINK?
WELL, IS IT FOR
DINNER OR FOR YOU?
AH, HA-HA.
COME HERE,
SONNY-BOY.
AH, NO-NO-NO.
I HAVE TO GET
HOME TO START
MY RATATOUILLE.
f**k YOUR
RATATOUILLE.
GIVE ME MY KID,
OR I'LL SHOVE
THAT ZUCCHINI
UP YOUR a**.
OKAY, OKAY.
Gus:
[ Fussing ]
HEY, WHAT
IS IT?
JUST FOR A
MINUTE, HEIN?
[ Inaudible
whisper ]
[ Whispering ]
I KNOW, YOU'RE
RIGHT. HE SMELLS.
WELL, I WISH
I HAD A PICTURE
TO CAPTURE THIS
RARE MOMENT.
DID YOU HEAR
SOMETHING?
YOU KNOW, ONCE LINDSAY
AND I ARE MARRIED,
WE'LL NEED YOU TO
KEEP YOUR DISTANCE.
WHY IS THAT?
WELL, WE'VE GOT
TO THINK ABOUT
APPEARANCES.
I'M EVEN THINKING
OF ADOPTING GUS.
THAT WAY EVERY-
THING WOULD BE
NICE AND LEGAL.
ALORS! TU VIENS
ICI, MON PETIT.
TU VIENS ICI,
MON PETIT.
[ Groaning ]
HEIN?
Crowd: [ Chanting ]
HEY-HEY, HO-HO,
HOMOPHOBIA'S GOT TO GO.
HEY-HEY, HO-HO,
HOMOPHOBIA'S GOT TO GO.
HEY-HEY, HO-HO!
HOMOPHOBIA'S GOT TO GO.
HEY-HEY, HO-HO!
HOMOPHOBIA'S GOT TO GO.
WHAT'S GOING
ON HERE?
WE'RE PROTESTING
ST. JAMES ACADEMY'S
BIGOTED POLICY
ON STUDENT CLUBS.
TAYLOR, I HAVE
HAD JUST ABOUT
ENOUGH OF THIS.
IT'S CALLED FREEDOM
OF ASSEMBLY, PAL.
THIS IS PRIVATE
PROPERTY.
AND YOU'RE
ALL TRESPASSING.
I'M CALLING
THE POLICE.
YOU MIGHT WANT
TO STICK AROUND
FOR THIS.
Senator Baxter:
JUSTIN TAYLOR TRIED
TO ORGANIZE A CLUB
TO PROMOTE TOLERANCE
AND UNDERSTANDING
BETWEEN GAY AND
STRAIGHT STUDENTS.
HIS ATTEMPT WAS
DENIED ON THE BASIS
THAT ST. JAMES ACADEMY
IS A PRIVATE INSTITUTION
AND ISN'T REQUIRED TO
ACKNOWLEDGE THE VOICES
OF ALL ITS STUDENTS.
WELL, IF PRIVATE
SCHOOLS EXPECT TO
RECEIVE PUBLIC DOLLARS,
THEN WE CAN EXPECT THEM
TO UPHOLD THE SAME VALUES
OF FREEDOM AND CIVIL RIGHTS
ON WHICH THIS
COUNTRY IS BASED.
GIVE 'EM HELL, DI.
[ Clapping ]
I LOVE THAT
PICTURE.
[ Dropping of frame ]
YEAH.
DADA AND
SONNY-BOY.
AHH, ALL RIGHT,
SO I'M A SHITTY
FATHER.
ARE WE SURPRISED?
I'M UPHOLDING
A FINE FAMILY
TRADITION.
YOU'RE NOT A
SHITTY FATHER.
YOU LOVE GUS.
[ Clearing
of throat ]
DIDN'T THINK
I WOULD.
IT'S STRANGE.
KNOWING THERE'S
SOMEONE ELSE
YOU CARE ABOUT
BESIDES YOURSELF?
[ Sighing ]
GIMME SOME.
IT'S BAD ENOUGH
YOU SMOKE
AT YOUR AGE.
"AT MY AGE?"
[ Clearing
of throat ]
BRIAN, I'M THE
MOST MATURE
PERSON YOU KNOW.
[ Groan ]
THINK GUS IS GOING
TO SPEAK FRENCH
BEFORE HE SPEAKS
ENGLISH?
WHY DON'T YOU
GO TO BED?
WELL, LINDSAY
CAN'T RAISE
HIM ON HER OWN.
AND AS MUCH AS
YOU LOVE HIM,
YOU'RE NEVER
GOING TO BE A
FULL-TIME PARENT.
YOU KNOW, IF I
WANTED THE NEWS,
I'D WATCH CNN.
YOU CAN'T CONTROL
EVERYONE'S LIFE,
EVEN THOUGH
YOU'D LIKE TO.
HMPH. OBVIOUSLY.
YOU'RE STILL HERE.
[ Groan ]
BEING MEAN TO
ME HAS NEVER
REALLY WORKED.
YOU SHOULD TRY
ANOTHER TACTIC.
HMMM.
WHAT'RE YOU
DOING?
I'M KILLING YOU
WITH KINDNESS.
IT'S PROVEN TO
BE A HIGHLY EF-
FECTIVE TECHNIQUE
FOR ACHIEVING...
ONE'S GOALS.
DO YOU HAVE
HIS TOYS?
THEY'RE IN
THE BAG.
WHERE ARE
MY KEYS?
PLEASE, PLEASE
HURRY UP.
THE APPOINTMENT'S
IN 20 MINUTES.
I KNOW WHEN THE
APPOINTMENT IS.
OH, GOD, HERE
THEY ARE.
OH,MERDE.
IT'S ALL WE NEED.
OKAY, Y-YOU HAVE
TO GET RID OF THEM.
ALL RIGHT, MOVE, MOVE.
D'ACCORD.
I...
LOOK, WE'RE
IN A HURRY.
I-I SWEAR I
HAD NO IDEA HE
WAS BRINGING
ME OVER HERE.
Lindsay:
WE HAVE TO LEAVE.
Melanie:
HE SAID YOU HAD
AN ACCIDENT.
AN ACCIDENT?
IT WAS THE
ONLY WAY.
Guillaume:
MAY WE SAVE
THIS FOR SOME
OTHER TIME?
WE'RE LATE.
ARE YOU GOING
SOMEWHERE, PIERRE?
TO GET OUR
MARRIAGE LICENSE.
SO, IF YOU'LL
EXCUSE US...
WELL, THIS WILL
JUST TAKE A MINUTE.
NON, NON.WE
REALLY MUST...
SIT DOWN
AND SHUT UP.
EXCUSE ME?
SIT DOWN.
Lindsay:
ALL RIGHT.
[ Sigh of
frustration ]
WHAT IS IT?
OKAY, I DON'T WANT
TO HEAR ANY MORE s**t
ABOUT "THIS IS MY FAULT."
"NO, THIS IS MY FAULT."
"I'M TO BLAME."
"NO,I'MTO BLAME.
"I'M SORRY."
"NO, I'M SORRY."
BUT IT REALLY
IS MY FAULT.
NO, MEL, IT
WAS MY FAULT.
ALL ALONG
IT WAS...
NO, NO, NO.
Melanie:
IT WAS MY
FAULT, TRUST ME.
I WORKED THIS ALL
OUT IN THERAPY.
AND SO DID I...
I SAID SHUT UP.
AND f**k THERAPY.
THIS IS THE ONLY
THING THAT MATTERS.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S MY PARENTAL RIGHTS.
I'VE SIGNED THEM
OVER TO YOU.
OH, MY GOD.
BRIAN...
ARE YOU SURE?
WOULD I BE DOING
THIS IF I WASN'T?
BUT WHY?
WELL, MY SON DESERVES
TWO PARENTS WHO'LL
BE THERE FOR HIM
AND LOVE HIM.
AND WHO LOVE EACH OTHER.
SO THE ONLY WAY
THIS DEAL WORKS
IS IF THE TWO OF YOU
GET BACK TOGETHER.
WELL, WHAT IS THIS,
SOME KIND OF A BRIBE?
YOU COULD LOOK
AT IT THAT WAY.
OR YOU CAN THINK OF IT
AS AVERYGENEROUS GIFT.
BUT IF YOU DON'T WANT IT...
DO YOU STILL
LOVE ME?
I NEVER STOPPED.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
[ Whispering ]
YEAH.
OKAY, LIGHTNING
ROUND'S OVER.
DO I HEAR AN ANSWER?
YES.
YES!
I LOVE YOU.
GOD, YOU'RE
DYKES FOR
CHRISSAKE.
TOUGHEN UP.
Lindsay:
I LOVE YOU.
Melanie:
I LOVE YOU.
AND WHAT ABOUT ME?
OH, GUI...
I'M SORRY.
SAYAU REVOIR,GUS.
Senator Baxter:
OH, DEBBIE,
THIS IS FABULOUS!
OH, GOOD.
OH, ROMANO!
UH, SUNSHINE,
HONEY, GET US
SOME ROMANO,
WOULD YOU, BABY?
I'M... I'M AFRAID
IT'S NOT AS FANCY
AS THOSE LITTLE
CAVIAR THINGS MY
SON WAS SERVING...
WELL, MAN,
AND SENATORS,
CANNOT LIVE ON
LITTLE CAVIAR
THINGS ALONE.
OH, THANKS.
IT'S TOO
BAD, UM,
MICHAEL COULDN'T
JOIN US.
THANKS, HONEY.
Vic:
WELL,
THESE DAYS,
COMING OVER TO
HIS MOTHER'S
FOR PASTA AND VINO
ISN'T HIS STYLE.
I'M SURE HE HAD
OTHER PLANS.
YEAH, LIKE
DINNER WITH BOBO.
AND MELISANDE.
WELL, f**k HIM.
OH, SORRY,
SENATOR.
OH, IT'S OKAY.
I'VE USED THAT
WORD MYSELF,
USUALLY FOLLOWED BY BUSH.
[ Laughing ]
I'LL DRINK TO THAT.
Emmett:
OH, HELL, LET'S ALL
DRINK TO THAT.
Senator Baxter:
LET ME MAKE A
TOAST, PLEASE.
FIRST OF ALL, TO OUR
WONDERFUL HOSTESS.
DEBBIE.
THANK YOU.
All:
DEBBIE!
DEB! TO DEB.
HERE'S TO
YOU, SIS.
Senator Baxter:
AND TO LITTLE
VICTORIES.
AT LEAST, UH,
DR. PERKINS
HAS AGREED
TO TAKE YOUR REQUEST
TO THE SCHOOL BOARD.
THANKS, SENATOR BAXTER.
HEY.
HAVE A SEAT.
I CAN'T...
I CAN'T STAY.
Vic:
YOU CAN'T?
OR YOU DON'T
WANT TO?
[ Sighing ]
YOU EATEN?
NO.
SO PULL UP
A CHAIR.
SUNSHINE?
WILL YOU GET
MICHAEL SOME
PUTENESCA, HONEY?
YOU LITTLE
a**hole.
SORRY, DI.
OH, IT'S OKAY.
I'VE USED
THAT ONE TOO.
Ted:
SIT DOWN HERE.
Emmett:
IT'S A GOLD
COUCH!
Emmett:
JUST LIKE YOUR
GOLD MIATA.
SO IT ALL WORKED
OUT, HAPPILY
EVER AFTER.
THANKS TO
THE SENATOR.
YEAH, DON'T
KID YOURSELF.
THAT WOMAN
IS USING YOU,
FOR MONEY
AND FOR VOTES.
SHE'LL MOVE ON
TO HER NEXT CAUSE,
HER NEXT
FUND-RAISER,
THEN WHERE
WILL YOU BE?
SHE SAID IT'S
A SMALL VICTORY.
WELL, DON'T THINK
YOU'VE WON,
THAT IT'S OVER.
'CAUSE THE MINUTE
YOU DO THAT,
YOU'RE DEAD.
NOT AS LONG AS
I'VE GOT YOU
TO PROTECT ME.
[ ?????? ]
CLOSED CAPTIONED
BYCOMPREHENSIVE DISTRIBUTORS.
MOO!
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...
ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, FIVE, SIX.
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ ?????? ]
[ Crowing of rooster ]
[ Whinnying of horses ]
[ ?????? ]
?? I WANNA BE A COWBOY ??
?? AND YOU CAN BE
MY COWGIRL ??
?? I WANNA BE A COWBOY ??
?? AND YOU CAN BE
MY COWGIRL ??
?? I WANNA BE A COWBOY ??
[ ?????? ]
PARDON ME, BUT
DO YOU HAPPEN TO
BE A QUARTERBACK?
NO, WHY?
'CAUSE YOU INTER-
CEPTED ME LIKE
I WAS A FOOTBALL.
WHEN I SEE WHAT
I WANT, I GRAB IT
AND I RUN
WITH IT.
OH, AND YOU
WANT ME?
THERE'S NO ONE
ELSE IN THE
ROOM, BEAUTIFUL.
COME ON, LET'S
GO INTO THE
BACK ROOM,
AND EXCHANGE
NUMBERS.
WAIT, I...
I CAN'T.
I'M IN A
RELATIONSHIP.
I AM TOO. SO?
SO WE DON'T
FOOL AROUND.
HOW LONG
YOU TWO BEEN
TOGETHER?
ALMOST FIVE
MONTHS.
WAIT A FEW
MORE...
YOU WILL.
[ ?????? ]
MAKING OUT ON
THE DANCE FLOOR.
DID YOU EVER
SEE ANYTHING
SO JUVENILE?
OH, I GUESS
YOU'RE TOO
MATURE FOR THAT,
NOW THAT YOU'RE
A COLLEGE MAN.
WHO'S A
COLLEGE MAN?
LITTLE JUSTIN'S
BEEN ACCEPTED
TO DARTMOUTH.
OH! AN IVY
LEAGUER.
MUMSY AND DADDY
MUST BE SO PROUD.
I DECIDED
NOT TO GO.
SINCE WHEN?
SINCE I REALIZED
THAT I COULD NEVER
BE A BUSINESS
MAJOR. I DECIDED
I WANT TO GO
TO THE PITTSBURGH
INSTITUTE OF
FINE ART.
LA-DEE-DAH.
IF I CAN GET IN.
AND HERE I
THOUGHT I WAS
FINALLY RID OF YOU.
A-HA!
NOT UNTIL
I SAY SO.
[ Laughing ]
OOH!
I CAN JUST
IMAGINE WHAT YOUR
PARENTS WILL SAY.
I DON'T CARE WHAT
MY PARENTS SAY.
I GOT TO DO
WHAT'S GOING TO
MAKE ME HAPPY.
SPOKEN LIKE A TRUE
DISCIPLE OF BRIAN.
HEY, UH, WHAT
HAPPENED TO, UH,
HUNK-A-LICIOUS?
HE TRIED TO
DRAG ME INTO
THE BACK ROOM.
[ Gasping ]
THE NERVE!
TREATING YOU
LIKE YOU WERE
A PIECE OF MEAT.
GAVE ME A
HARD-ON.
LIKEWISE.
I TOLD HIM I WAS
IN A RELATIONSHIP,
AND HE GOES...
"SO WHAT."
LIKE IT DIDN'T
EVEN MATTER.
IN HERE IT
DOESN'T.
YOU SHOULD
DO HIM.
WHAT DO YOU
MEAN, "DO HIM?"
I'LL GET YOU
AN INSTRUCTION
MANUAL.
DAVID WOULD
KILL ME.
DAVID DOESN'T
NEED TO KNOW.
Emmett:
YEAH!
AS IF YOU'D
EVEN BE TEMPTED,
WITH DR. DREAMBOAT
IN YOUR BED.
I'M NOT.
JESUS, LOOK WHO IT IS.
[ ?????? ]
?? I'M ADDICTED TO YOU
I'M ADDICTED TO YOU... ??
[ ?????? ]
HAVEN'T SEEN
HIM IN A WHILE.
Emmett:
YEAH.
ALL GOOD THINGS
MUST COME
TO AN END.
[ Sigh ]
HE'S STILL CUTE.
YOU SAY THAT
ABOUT ALL THE BOYS
WHO PUT YOU
IN A COMA.
HEY!
[ ?????? ]
HEY, YOU!
OH, s**t.
[ ?????? ]
HEY, HOW'RE
YOU DOING?
FINE, THANKS.
Blake:
IT IS... GREAT
TO SEE YOU.
YOU... ARE
SO SEXY.
YEAH, I BELIEVE
YOU'VE USED THAT
LINE ON ME BEFORE.
YOU WANNA DANCE?
NO, THANKS.
WHO IS HE?
EMMETT...
THIS IS
BLAKE.
I'VE HEARD SO
MUCH ABOUT YOU.
WANT SOME GUM?
IT'S HOT IN HERE.
YOU HOT?
Emmett:
WE'RE FINE, THANKS.
COME ON,
DANCE WITH ME.
I SAID,
"NO THANKS."
OR, RATHER
EMMETT DID.
[ ?????? ]
I'LL SEE YOU LATER?
THAT IS ONE
TWEAKED-OUT
TWINKIE.
YOU THINK?
HOLLOW EYES,
22-INCH WAIST,
INABILITY TO HOLD
A CONVERSATION?
HE'S EITHER
A TOTAL
CRYSTAL QUEEN,
OR A SUPERMODEL.
COME ON.
I'M LEAVING.
WHERE'RE
YOU GOING?
HOME TO SAY
MY PRAYERS.
SHOULDN'T YOU
BE GOING HOME TO
SEE YOUR HUBBY?
HE'S GOING TO
SOME BORING
BUSINESS DINNER.
HOLD ON A SEC,
I'LL COME WITH YOU.
NOT TONIGHT.
WHERE'S HE
GOING?
[ ?????? ]
[ Moans of pleasure ]
[ ?????? ]
Man:
BRIAN!
WHAT BRINGS YOU
TO THE NINTH
CIRCLE OF HELL?
I WAS
READING GORKY
AND I GOT A
TASTE FOR THE
LOWER DEPTHS.
YEAH, YOU SEE
ANYTHING, UH,
INTERESTING?
THE TALL REDHEAD
IN 27 WITH THE
BLACK LEATHER DILDO.
OH, HIM. YEAH.
HE'S DEFINITELY
A POSSIBILITY,
FOR LATER.
OTHER THAN THAT,
IT'S PRETTY MUCH
ALL MARK-DOWNS.
YEAH, WELL IF
YOU GET INTO
ANYTHING,
YOU KNOW, GIVE
ME A HOLLER.
I'LL BE HAPPY
TO STICK A FINGER
IN YOUR a**
OR SUCK ON
YOUR BALLS
WHILE YOU'RE
f**king HIM.
YOU'RE A REAL
PAL, MARTY.
[ ?????? ]
OH, CHRIST!
BLAKE.
BLAKE!
HEY, COME ON.
BLAKE.
BLAKE!
BLAKE? COME
ON, WAKE UP.
OH, s**t. GET
OUT OF THE WAY!
d*ck.
BLAKE, COME
ON, WAKE UP.
BLAKE.
CAN SOMEONE
GIVE ME A
HAND HERE?
THANKS A LOT.
WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG
WITH YOU PEOPLE?
CAN SOMEONE HELP ME?
f**k ALL OF YOU!
[ ?????? ]
[ ?????? ]
?? YOU GOT ME HORNY
IN THE MORNING ??
?? AND YOU KNOW-OH-OH ??
?? I TRIED TO CALL YOU ??
?? BUT I CAN'T FIND
THE TELEPHONE ??
?? I SENT A MESSAGE
THROUGH THE INTERNET ??
?? BUT YOU REJECT IT ??
?? I WROTE A LETTER AND I SENT I
THROUGH THE PO-O-ST ??
?? THE POSTAGE
TAKES SO LONG ??
?? SO I'VE GOT
TO SING A SONG ??
?? TO LET YOU KNOW
HOW I FEEL ??
?? WHAT'S THE DEAL, BABY ??
?? AND I CAN'T WAIT
FOR YOU ??
?? AND THE THINGS
YOU MAKE ME DO ??
?? MY HEART IS RINGING ??
?? SO I'M SINGING
THIS SONG FOR YOU ??
?? I'M HORNY
HORNY, HORNY, HORNY... ??
[ Groaning ]
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
OFF YOUR TOWEL,
AND STAY
AWHILE?
I DON'T f**k.
[ Panting ]
DAVID.
WHAT'S UP, DOC?
[ ?????? ]
ANY IDEA WHAT
HE'S ON?
CRYSTAL METH.
I CAN TELL.
WELL, WE'VE GOT
HIM ON AN I.V.
WE'LL KEEP HIM
HERE OVERNIGHT.
HE SHOULD BE
OKAY TO GO
HOME TOMORROW.
THANKS, DOCTOR.
OKAY, NURSE
NIGHTINGALE,
YOU'VE DONE
YOUR GOOD DEED.
IT'LL MAKE FOR
A HEART-WARMING
EPISODE OF...
SOMETHING.
NOW LET'S GET
OUT OF HERE.
WE CAN'T JUST
LEAVE HIM.
LIKE THE WAY
HE LEFT YOU?
WELL WHAT
IF SOMETHING
HAPPENS TO HIM?
WHAT DO
YOU CARE?
IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S
YOUR BEST FRIEND.
YOU DON'T EVEN
KNOW HIS LAST NAME.
FINE.
STAY ALL NIGHT.
I'M GOING.
[ Chatter of TV ]
HEY, YOU'RE HOME.
YEAH. WHEN'D YOU GET IN?
UH, A LITTLE
WHILE AGO.
SO HOW WAS
YOUR DINNER,
WAS IT FUN?
IT WAS ALL RIGHT.
HOW ABOUT YOU?
HOW WAS BABYLON?
IT WAS
ALL RIGHT.
SEE ANY
CUTE GUYS?
WELL, YOU KNOW,
NONE THAT
INTERESTED ME.
YOU WANT SOME, UH,
MILK AND OREOS?
MICHAEL...
Michael:
[ Mumbling ]
[ Panting ]
[ Hollering ]
JUSTIN!
COMING.
CHRIST, DIDN'T
YOU HEAR ME
CALLING YOU
FOR THE LAST
10 MINUTES?
I KNOW YOU THINK
'CAUSE I'M YOUNG
I CAN JUST
TUMBLE OUT OF BED
AND LOOK LIKE THIS.
Vic:
WELL, I DON'T
KNOW WHY NOT.
I TUMBLE OUT OF BED
AND LOOK LIKE THIS.
YEAH, BUT YOU'RE WRONG.
EVEN AT MY AGE,
IT TAKES TIME
AND PREPARATION.
YEAH, WELL
AT THE RATE
YOU'RE GOING,
PARTYING, AND
STAYING UP TILL
3:00 O'CLOCK
EVERYMORNING,
YOU'RE GONNA NEED
A FACE LIFT
BEFORE YOU
GRADUATE.
AH, THIS
CAME FOR YOU.
FROM THE PITTSBURGH
INSTITUTE OF FINE ARTS.
OH?
WELL AREN'T YOU
GOING TO OPEN IT?
[ Sighing ]
I CAN'T.
GIVE IT TO ME.
WELL?
CONGRATULATIONS,
PICASSO.
WHOOO!
YES! YES!
[ Joyful laughter ]
[ Beeping of monitor ]
[ Gasping ]
HEY.
[ Laboured
breathing ]
WHAT'S
GOING ON?
SORRY.
I FIND MYSELF SITTING
IN A HOSPITAL ROOM
NEXT TO AN UNCONSCIOUS
PERSON... SEEMED LIKE
THE THING TO DO.
[ Gasping/panting ]
HOSPITAL?
HOSPITAL?
DID SOMETHING
HAPPEN TO ME?
AM I ALL RIGHT?
YOU PASSED OUT
AT BABYLON.
I DID?
I FOUND YOU LAYING
UNCONSCIOUS ON THE
BATHROOM FLOOR.
DOCTOR SAID YOU WERE
DEHYDRATED AND...
YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE
WAS REALLY HIGH.
HOW LONG HAVE
I BEEN HERE?
SINCE LAST NIGHT.
[ Panting ]
UH, DO YOU WANT
ME TO GET YOU
SOME WATER?
NO, DON'T GO.
DON'T...
PLEASE,
DON'T LEAVE.
ALL RIGHT.
IT'S OKAY.
JUST CALM DOWN.
DO YOU HAVE ANY CANDY?
CANDY?
LIFESAVERS?
[ Crunching ]
M-M-MAYBE I SHOULD
GO GET THE NURSE.
THAT'S OKAY.
DID YOU STAY HERE
THIS WHOLE TIME?
YEAH. WELL, AROUND 6:00
I WENT BACK TO MY PLACE
TO PICK UP SOME CLEAN
CLOTHES FOR YOU.
YOURS WERE...
PRETTY DISGUSTING.
SO THE DOCTOR SAID
YOU SHOULD BE ABLE
TO GO HOME LATER.
WHAT HOME?
I WAS EVICTED LAST MONTH.
WELL, WHERE'VE
YOU BEEN STAYING.
WITH SOME
FRIENDS.
OH, THAT'S... THAT'S GOOD.
SO... THEY CAN
LOOK AFTER YOU.
THEY'RE NOT
THOSE KIND
OF FRIENDS.
YOU MUST THINK
I'M SO STUPID.
I DON'T THINK
YOU'RE STUPID.
I JUST...
THINK YOU'RE
THIS REALLY...
SWEET GUY WHO...
HAS SOME PROBLEMS
AND NEEDS SOME HELP.
[ Sobbing ]
I'M GONNA
STOP. I AM.
I'M GOING TO STOP.
[ Crying ]
[ Sighing ]
SHH.
HE CAME HOME FROM
DINNER SO TURNED ON
WE WENT AT IT ALL NIGHT.
I'M SURPRISED
HE STILL HAD
THE STRENGTH.
AT HIS AGE.
YOU SHOULD ONLY
BE IN SUCH GOOD
SHAPE "AT HIS AGE".
YOU SHOULD ONLY BE
ALIVE "AT HIS AGE".
SO, I WONDER WHY HE
WAS SO TURNED ON?
BECAUSE I'M IRRESISTIBLE.
Emmett:
BECAUSE THEY'RE
IN LOVE.
AND UNLIKE YOU,
THEY DON'T HAVE TO
PROWL AROUND THE BATHS.
THEY FIND EVERY-
THING THEY NEED
RIGHT AT HOME.
SO HOW WAS IT? YOU
SEE ANYBODY CUTE?
NOT ESPECIALLY.
[ Mumbling ]
LAST TIME I WAS
AT THE BATHS,
OF COURSE THIS
WAS YEARS AGO...
Brian and Michael:
OF COURSE.
I WAS, UH, I WAS
IN L.A. VISITING
MY FRIEND SHELLY.
UH, BUT ANYWAY...
UH, THERE WAS THIS
CUBICLE AT THE
END OF THE HALL
AND THE DOOR WAS OPEN,
SO, UH... SO I GO IN.
AND AT FIRST I CAN'T
REALLY SEE ANYTHING
UH, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE
IT'S DARK, AND I DON'T
HAVE MY CONTACTS IN.
[ Snort ]
ANYWAY, THERE'S
THIS GUY
LYING THERE
ON HIS STOMACH
WITH HIS BUTT
UP IN THE AIR
JUST SCREAMING,
"f**k ME! f**k ME!"
SO I DID. AND, UH,
AFTERWARDS,
I, UH...
I GOT A GLIMPSE
OF HIS FACE...
IT WAS...
[ Whispering ]
NO s**t!
YOU FUCKED...
[ Grunt ]
SO SHE REALLY
IS HIS BEARD?
THEY DON'T CALL HER
"WHISKERS" FOR NOTHING.
[ Meowing ]
HEY, GUYS.
SORRY I'M LATE.
I HAD KIND OF
A BUSY MORNING.
Michael:
OO-OH!
DON'T TELL ME
YOU SAT UP ALL
NIGHT WITH HIM.
WHO?
THE ANGEL OF DEATH.
LOOK, YOU REALLY HAVE NO
IDEA HOW UPSETTING IT IS,
TO WAKE UP IN
A HOSPITAL ROOM.
BELIEVE ME, I KNOW.
YEAH, THANKS TO HIM.
O-OKAY, SO, SO
IT'S OVER, RIGHT?
YOU... YOU'VE DONE ALL
YOU CAN POSSIBLY DO.
PLEASE, PLEASE,
PLEASE TELL ME
YOU DIDN'T TAKE THAT
TWEAKED-OUT TRAMP HOME.
INSTITUTE OF
FINE ARTS? OHH...
I HAD NO IDEA
YOU'D APPLIED.
I DIDN'T WANT
TO TELL YOU
UNTIL I KNEW.
THEY HAD
OVER 2,000
APPLICATIONS,
ONLY 70 OPENINGS
AND I GOT IN.
I ALWAYS TOLD
YOU YOU WERE
GIFTED, DIDN'T I?
[ Giggle ]
BUT WHAT ABOUT
DARTMOUTH?
OH, I'LL JUST
WRITE THEM AND TELL
THEM I'M NOT GOING.
JUSTIN, YOUR DAD'S
EXPECTING YOU TO GO.
BECAUSE HE
WENT THERE?
OH, SWEETHEART...
I-I KNOW HOW
MUCH YOU WANT
TO BE AN ARTIST.
DO YOU HAVE ANY
IDEA HOW HARD IT
IS TO MAKE A LIVING?
YEAH.
IT'S WHAT I
WANT TO DO.
IT'S WHAT I'VE AL-
WAYS WANTED TO DO.
[ Approaching of car ]
[ Stopping of engine ]
YOU'RE GOING TO
HAVE A HARD TIME
CONVINCING HIM.
I WAS HOPING THAT
YOU COULD HELP.
WILL YOU?
Woman:
HI, JENNIFER.
OH, SUE!
HI.
UM...
UH, THIS IS MY
SON, JUSTIN.
JUSTIN.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
GO RIGHT ON IN?
I-I'LL BE
RIGHT THERE.
OH, TAKE YOUR
TIME, I'LL JUST
WANDER THROUGH.
WHO... WHO'S SHE?
SHE'S A REALTOR.
WHAT'S SHE
DOING HERE?
UM...
I'VE ASKED
HER TO LIST
THE HOUSE.
YOU'RE SELLING
THE HOUSE?
[ Sighing ]
JUSTIN, UM...
YOUR DAD AND I...
YOUR DAD AND I
FEEL THAT WE, UH...
WE NO LONGER...
WE NO LONGER, AH...
WHAT?
WHAT?
OH... WE'RE
GETTING A DIVORCE.
HAVE I TOLD
YOU LATELY HOW
HOT YOU LOOK?
ACTUALLY,
YOU HAVE.
UM, BUT IT ALWAYS
BEARS REPEATING.
YOU ARE SO HOT.
HOWDY, BOYS.
OH, I...
I DON'T MEAN
TO INTERRUPT.
'COURSE YOU DO.
BUT DO YOU MIND
IF I JOIN YOU?
WELL, ACTUALLY...
SODA WATER.
LEMON. NO ICE.
YOU KNOW, AFTER
ANY STRENUOUS
PHYSICAL EXERTION
WHAT YOU NEED IS
PLENTY OF FLUIDS.
THANKS FOR THE
HEALTH TIP.
ANYTIME.
SPEAKING OF EXERTION,
MICHAEL TELLS ME
YOU TWO HAD QUITE
A NIGHT LAST NIGHT.
OH, JESUS, BRIAN!
THAT'S OKAY.
MATTER OF FACT, WE DID.
SO DID I.
WELL, I DON'T
THINK DAVID
WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT
YOUR TRIP TO...
YOU'RE RIGHT,
YOU'RE RIGHT.
HE PROBABLY
WOULDN'T APPROVE.
SO, WHAT HAVE
YOU BEEN UP TO
LATELY, DOC?
NO MUCH, THE USUAL.
HMM, HMM.
MICHAEL TELLS ME YOU HAD
DINNER WITH SOME CLIENT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
TALK ABOUT BORING.
ALTHOUGH, I HAD
THIS ONE CLIENT,
M... MICHAEL TELL
YOU THIS STORY?
MEAT AND POTATOES,
WIFE AND KIDS,
TURNED OUT
HE WAS GAY.
AND NOT ONLY
WAS HE GAY, HE
WANTED TO f**k ME.
IMAGINE THAT.
YEAH.
WHAT CAN I SAY?
THERE'S A LOT OF
DUPLICITOUS PEOPLE
IN THE WORLD.
Debbie:
HERE'S YOUR
WATER, BRIAN.
CHEERS.
GOD, I HATE
THE COLD.
YOU KNOW, I
ALWAYS FIGURED
I COULD...
ONE DAY LIVE IN SOME
PLACE THAT'S WARM,
LIKE LA JOLLA,
SANTA BARBARA.
ONE OF THOSE
PICTURE POST-
CARD PLACES.
YOU KNOW,
BUSINESS WOULD BE
GOOD THERE TOO.
BUT I'M
STILL HERE.
WELL, MAYBE
YOU'RE DECEIV-
ING YOURSELF.
THINKING YOU
WANT SOMETHING
YOU REALLY DON'T.
I WANT MICHAEL.
I LOVE MICHAEL.
WHAT YOU SAW
LAST NIGHT
HAS NOTHING TO
DO WITH THAT.
YOU DON'T HAVE
TO EXPLAIN
TO ME, DOC.
I'M NOT A MEMBER
OF THE QUEER
P.C. PATROL.
IF YOU WANT TO GO
TO THE BATHHOUSE,
AND GET YOUR
ROCKS OFF,
I SAY DO IT.
AS LONG AS YOU
DON'T HURT HIM.
I DON'T
INTEND TO.
DO YOU?
ANYBODY
WANT A BITE?
[ Clatter of dishes ]
YOU'RE BACK.
YOU'RE UP.
YOU FEELING BETTER?
YEAH,
ACTUALLY, UH...
GREAT.
YOU COOK.
OH, YEAH.
BOTH MY PARENTS
WORKED AND...
I WAS THE OLDEST
OF SEVEN KIDS.
SEVEN!
SO I KNOW
HOW TO MAKE A...
CHICKEN STRETCH.
WOW.
CANDLES AND EVERYTHING.
WHAT?
NOTHING.
[ Beeping of timer ]
POTATOES ARE DONE.
HEY, YOU WANT TO
PUT ON SOME MUSIC?
[ Opera ?????? ]
THAT'S NICE.
WHAT IS IT?
"LA TRAVIATA".
DO YOU KNOW IT?
NOT REALLY.
IT'S AN OPERA.
I FIGURED THAT MUCH.
IT'S ABOUT THIS
WOMAN, VIOLETTA.
SHE'S A COURTESAN.
A WHAT?
A SLUT, BASICALLY.
AND SHE LIKES TO GO
TO PARTIES A LOT.
I KNOW THE TYPE.
SO WHAT'S SHE
SINGING ABOUT?
WELL, SHE'S JUST MET
THIS REALLY SWEET
GUY NAMED ALFREDO,
AND, UH, HE KIND OF
HAS A THING FOR HER.
SHE'S WONDERING WHETHER
SHE CAN GIVE UP HER
LIFE IN THE FAST LANE
TO BE WITH HIM.
DOES SHE?
SHE GIVES IT A SHOT.
[ Opera ?????? ]
[ Pouring of water ]
Blake's voice:
IT'S GHB. YOU
EVER USE IT?
IT'S JUST WATER.
[ Opera ?????? ]
UH, THIS,
UH, DINNER...
IS SORT OF A...
THANK-YOU.
FOR BEING SO
NICE TO ME.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE
TO DO THAT.
YEAH, I DID.
ACTUALLY, I WISH
THERE WAS MORE
I... COULD DO.
[ Opera ?????? ]
WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
WELL, WE DIDN'T
GET VERY FAR
THE LAST TIME
I WAS HERE.
YEAH, I KIND
OF CHECKED OUT
IN THE MIDDLE.
I FIGURE WE
COULD JUST...
PICK UP FROM
WHERE WE LEFT OFF.
[ Opera ?????? ]
Both:
[ Giggling ]
[ Yelping ]
[ Giggling ]
BEHIND YOU.
'KAY.
OOH, OOH.
IT HAS TO BE
A SURPRISE.
OKAY.
[ Inaudible whispers ]
[ Whispering ]
ONE, TWO, THREE.
Melanie & Lindsay:
TA-DA!
OH... FOR ME?
YES, FOR YOU.
WHO ELSE?
CHEERS.
WELL GO ON,
OPEN IT.
Lindsay:
IT'S FOR GETTING
INTO THE I.F.A.
Melanie:
I-IT'S WHAT
ALL THE GREAT
ARTISTS USE.
LINDSAY KNOWS
THESE THINGS.
HE'S SO SURPRISED,
HE'S SPEECHLESS.
I KNOW YOU WANT
TO GET INTO
COMPUTER GRAPHICS
AND ANIMATION,
BUT FIRST YEAR
YOU'RE GOING TO
HAVE TO STUDY
ALL THE TRADITIONAL
TECHNIQUES
STILL LIFE,
LIFE CLASS,
COMPOSITION.
BECAUSE NO
MATTER WHAT
YOU EVENTUALLY DO,
IT'S IMPORTANT
TO HAVE SOLID,
CLASSICAL TRAINING.
Melanie:
I MEAN,
EVEN PICASSO
KNEW HOW TO DRAW
PEOPLE WITH THEIR
EYES IN THE...
IN THE
RIGHT PLACE.
UH, NO...
THANK YOU, GUYS.
IT IS SO NICE.
BUT I'VE DECIDED
TO GO TO DARTMOUTH.
ENJOYING
YOUR BOOK?
YEAH, UH,
IT'S A REAL
PAGE-TURNER.
WELL THEN,
HOW COME YOU'RE
ON THE SAME PAGE
YOU WERE ON
AN HOUR AGO?
I, UH... GUESS
YOU CAUGHT ME.
YEAH, WELL YOU'RE
EASY TO CATCH.
ESPECIALLY WHEN
YOU GO TO THE
TELL-TALE SIGNS,
YOU KNOW, THROWING
IN A LOT OF "UHS"
WHEN YOU TALK
TO GIVE YOU TIME
TO THINK OF WHAT
TO SAY NEXT,
AND COVERING
YOUR MOUTH.
UH, OBSERVANT. HUH!
[ Deep sigh ]
I, UH, MICHAEL,
I SHOULD'VE TOLD
YOU THE TRUTH.
[ Laughing ]
IT'S NO BIG DEAL,
YOU'LL FINISH
YOUR BOOK.
NO, NO. ABOUT
LAST NIGHT.
WELL, HONEY, WHEN
YOU SAID YOU COULD
COME A FOURTH TIME,
I KNEW YOU
WERE LYING.
WHEN I SAID I
HAD A BUSINESS
DINNER,
I DIDN'T HAVE A
BUSINESS DINNER.
I WENT TO
THE BATHS.
WHAT WERE YOU
DOING THERE?
MOSTLY...
WALKING AROUND.
LOOK, IT'S NOT
SOMETHING I DO
A LOT, MICHAEL.
AH... IT'S THE FIRST
TIME SINCE WE'VE
BEEN TOGETHER
THAT I'VE
BEEN THERE.
I DON'T WANT TO
TALK ABOUT IT.
NO, I THOUGHT
YOU SHOULD KNOW.
WHAT,
THAT YOU'RE
f**king AROUND?
I DON'T f**k.
AND THEN YOU
COME BACK HERE
AND YOU f**k ME?
IF YOU GAVE
ME ANYTHING...
NO, I SAID
I DON'T f**k!
MOSTLY I JUST
JERK OFF. HUH.
"MOSTLY".
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
AREN'T I ENOUGH FOR YOU?
YES, OF COURSE
YOU ARE, MICHAEL.
WELL THEN WHY
WOULD YOU DO THAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS IT'S
A THRILL.
I-I...
I WANT THE
GUYS TO...
TO THINK I'M
ATTRACTIVE. I...
I DON'T KNOW, SOME-
TIMES I FEEL LIKE
I JUST HAVE TO BE...
OFF ON MY OWN.
YOU ARE SUCH A LIAR.
IT'S THE TRUTH,
MICHAEL.
f**k YOUR TRUTH
AND f**k YOU!
Ted:
WELL, WE SHOULD'VE KNOWN
HE WAS TOO GOOD
TO BE TRUE.
MEN, THEY'RE
ALL THE SAME.
EXCEPT FOR
YOU, MICHAEL.
YOU ARE A SAINT.
I DON'T WANT
TO BE A SAINT.
I WANT TO BE
A RUTHLESS,
HEARTLESS s**t
WHO f**kS WHOEVER
HE WANTS, WITHOUT
CONSCIENCE OR REMORSE.
I'M SORRY, THAT
POSITION'S ALREADY
BEEN FILLED.
FOR ONCE I
WASN'T REFERRING
TO YOU.
I WAS TALKING
ABOUT DAVID.
Emmett:
I SAY,
CUT HIM LOOSE.
BASTARD.
SHOW HIM YOU'RE
TOO GOOD FOR HIM.
THAT HE DOESN'T
DESERVE YOU.
AND WHO DOES
MICHAEL DESERVE?
SOMEONE WHO WILL
CHERISH HIM.
WHO WILL, UH,
BE FAITHFUL.
SOMEONE FOR WHOM
HE WILL BE THE SUN
AND THE MOON
AND THE STARS.
WHAT f**king
BETTE DAVIS MOVIE
ARE YOU LIVING IN?
AND WHAT DID YOU
THINK WOULD HAPPEN?
THAT YOU'D BE MONO-
GAMOUS FOREVER?
Emmett:
[ Scoffing ]
THAT IS SO
LIKE YOU,
MAKE SOME VILE,
HOMOPHOBIC CRACK.
HOMOPHOBIC?
Emmett:
YES.
THAT JUST BECAUSE
WE'RE GAY,
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR US
TO HAVE A... A LOVING,
LOYAL RELATIONSHIP.
NOT BECAUSE WE'RE GAY.
BECAUSE WE'RE MEN.
Ted:
IT'S NO DIFFERENT
FOR STRAIGHT GUYS.
I READ SOMEWHERE
THAT SOMETHING
LIKE 64% OF THEM
ADMIT THEY'VE
BEEN UNFAITHFUL.
I WOULDN'T KNOW.
I'VE ONLY SLEPT
WITH 32% OF THEM.
Others:
[ Chuckling ]
WHAT, SO, I'M...
I'M JUST SUPPOSED
TO LET DAVID DO
WHATEVER HE WANTS?
WHOEVER HE WANTS?
I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD
ESTABLISH SOME... RULES.
YOU KNOW, DECIDE
WHAT'S ACCEPTABLE
AND WHAT'S NOT.
I DON'T THINK
I CAN DO THAT.
WELL THAT'S FINE,
THEN YOU CAN
MOVE BACK IN HERE.
END IT ALL OVER
A... HAND JOB.
I DON'T KNOW
WHY I'M ASKING
YOUR ADVICE.
Brian:
BECAUSE I'M
YOUNGER AND WISER.
Michael:
YOU'VE NEVER
BEEN IN A
RELATIONSHIP.
Brian:
I f**king HATE
THAT WORD.
Michael:
YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT IT'S LIKE.
I KNOW HE TOLD
YOU THE TRUTH.
AND I'VE GOT TO
GIVE HIM CREDIT.
I WAS SURE
HE WOULDN'T.
YOU MEAN YOU KNEW?
REMEMBER BACK,
LAST NIGHT.
AFTER I LEFT YOU.
WHERE DID I GO?
THE BATHS.
AND WHERE
DID HE GO?
OH, s**t.
DID YOU AND HE...
NO.
AND YOU WEREN'T
GOING TO TELL ME?
IF I HAD, YOU'D
PROBABLY THINK
I WAS TRYING TO
BREAK YOU UP.
ANYWAYS, IT'S
NOT MY BUSINESS
WHAT GOES ON
BETWEEN YOU
TWO LOVEBIRDS.
WELL, IF HE COULD DO IT,
MAYBE I SHOULD TOO.
THEN DO IT.
ONLY STOP CARRYING
ON LIKE SOME BETRAYED
LITTLE HOUSEWIFE.
Store clerk:
25 BUCKS.
[ "La Traviata" ?????? ]
HI. I WANT TO GET
15 ON PUMP 2.
HOLD ON, UH...
MY WALLET MUST
HAVE FALLEN OUT.
Blake:
HEY.
WHERE WERE YOU?
I WENT OUT...
TO GET YOU THIS.
"THAIS".
I ASKED THE GUY
AT THE STORE
IF HE KNEW
ANOTHER GOOD OPERA
ABOUT A SLUT.
THIS IS EXPENSIVE.
I DON'T CARE HOW
MUCH IT COSTS.
I DO. HOW'D YOU
PAY FOR IT?
YOU TOLD ME YOU
DIDN'T HAVE A CENT.
I GOT A FRIEND
OF MINE TO
GIVE ME BACK
THE MONEY
HE OWED ME.
AND YOU SPENT
ALL OF IT ON ME.
NOT ALL OF IT.
[ Huffing ]
LOOK, YOU CAN
KEEP THE CASH.
OKAY? I-I DON'T
CARE ABOUT
THAT. JUST...
PLEASE GIVE
IT BACK TO ME
SO I DON'T
HAVE TO CANCEL
ALL MY CARDS.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT? GIVE WHAT BACK?
GOD, YOU MUST THINK THAT
I'M JUST SO PATHETIC.
MY WALLET. THAT'S
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
I SWEAR TO YOU,
I DID NOT TAKE IT.
YEAH, ALL RIGHT,
I BELIEVE YOU.
IT JUST WALKED
AWAY ON ITS OWN.
SO IF YOU HAPPEN TO
SEE IT OUT WALKING
AROUND THE STREETS
WOULD YOU
PLEASE ASK IT
TO COME HOME?
GET OUT OF HERE.
WHERE?
WHEREVER THE f**k
YOU WOULD'VE GONE
IF I HADN'T PICKED
YOU UP OFF THAT
BATHROOM FLOOR,
TAKEN YOU TO
THE HOSPITAL,
AND BROUGHT
YOU BACK HERE.
WHAT ABOUT
YOUR CLOTHES?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
KEEP 'EM. I DON'T
WANT THEM.
AND HERE,
RETURN THIS FOR
THE MONEY "YOUR
FRIEND" GAVE YOU.
I ALREADY
HAVE IT.
[ Slamming of door ]
HEY!
WHAT AM I, THE
INVISIBLE WOMAN?
COME BACK HERE.
I WAS TAKING
OUT THE GARBAGE.
IT'S AMAZING
WHAT YOU FIND
IN THE GARBAGE,
EVEN YOUR OWN.
AND LOOK
WHAT I FOUND.
HUH? LUCKILY I
RETRIEVED THEM,
BEFORE THE PATINA
OF MY PESTO FROM
LAST NIGHT GOT
ALL OVER THEM.
I DON'T WANT THEM.
YOU DON'T WANT THEM?
THAT'S WHY I
THREW THEM AWAY.
BUT THESE ARE
WORKS OF ART.
I MEAN LOOK AT THIS.
LOOK AT THIS ONE,
I MEAN...
YOU COULD FRAME THEM.
THEN YOU KEEP THEM.
I'M GIVING IT UP.
HOLD IT.
GET YOUR BUBBLE
BUTT BACK HERE.
WHAT DO YOU
MEAN, YOU'RE
GIVING IT UP?
JUST WHAT
I SAID.
WELL, YOU DON'T
JUST GIVE IT UP.
I MEAN, IT'S LIKE
GIVING UP EATING,
OR... OR BREATHING.
I'M STILL INHALING
AND EXHALING.
CALL ME WHEN
DINNER'S READY.
YOU WATCH YOUR
MOUTH, SMART a**.
YOU'RE AN ARTIST.
AND YOU GOT A GIFT.
BIG DEAL.
ITISA BIG DEAL.
THAT'S SOMETHING THAT
WAS GIVEN TO YOU.
WELL, I DIDN'T ASK FOR
IT AND I DON'T WANT IT.
WELL, IT'S TOO LATE.
IT'S YOURS, IT'S
WHO YOU ARE.
IT'S NOT WHO I AM.
I'M GOING TO DARTMOUTH
AND I'M GETTING AN MBA.
THAT'S WHAT MY
PARENTS WANT.
WELL ALL DUE RESPECT
TO YOUR MOTHER,
WHO'S A VERY LOVELY LADY,
WHO GIVES A s**t
WHAT THEY WANT?
THIS IS
YOUR LIFE.
DEB...
I'VE CAUSED THEM
SO MUCH TROUBLE.
THEY'RE GETTING
A DIVORCE.
HONEY...
JUSTIN.
SUNSHINE, YOU
DIDN'T BREAK UP
THEIR MARRIAGE.
NO KID HAS THE
POWER TO DO THAT.
JUST LIKE
YOU DON'T HAVE
THE POWER
TO PUT IT BACK
TOGETHER.
BUT YOU DO HAVE
THE POWER TO f**k
UP YOUR OWN LIFE.
SO MAKE SURE
YOU THINK TWICE
BEFORE YOU DO IT.
HEY.
OH, HI.
I WAS BEGINNING
TO THINK YOU
WEREN'T COMING.
YEAH, WELL, IT'S...
IT'S A LITTLE
OUT OF THE WAY.
YEAH, WELL I... I
THOUGHT WE SHOULD
BE ALONE, YOU KNOW...
TALK, GO
FOR A WALK.
YEAH, SURE.
I COULDN'T
BELIEVE
YOU CALLED.
ME NEITHER.
YOU KNOW, AFTER
WHAT YOU TOLD ME
ABOUT YOU AND
YOUR LOVER.
WELL, YEAH.
YOU KNOW
HOW IT GOES.
THINGS CHANGE.
SO NOW IT'S
ALL RIGHT TO
MESS AROUND?
LOOK CAN WE
NOT TALK ABOUT
IT, OKAY?
SURE.
HONEY, YOU DID
THE RIGHT THING.
YOU SHOULD FEEL
VERY GOOD ABOUT
YOURSELF.
I DO, CAN'T
YOU TELL?
WHOO-HOO.
I'M SERIOUS.
YOU TOLD THAT
THIEVING PIECE
OF DRUGGY DISCO
TRASH TO GET LOST.
IF THERE WERE A
MAGAZINE CALLED
"SELF-ESTEEM",
YOU'D BE THE
COVER BOY.
YOU'RE THE IMAGE
OF DIGNITY.
WHAT DO
YOU THINK?
YOU'RE THE IMAGE
OF DIGNITY.
[ Blowing raspberries ]
HE WAS PRACTICALLY
IN TEARS, EMMETT.
YEAH, BECAUSE HE
KNEW YOU'D CANCEL
YOUR CREDIT CARDS
BEFORE HE HIT
THE JACKPOT.
NO, IT SEEMED SINCERE.
PLEASE!
YOU WOULD HAVE TO BE
A DESPERATE QUEEN
TO FALL FOR THAT
11:00 O'CLOCK NUMBER.
WHICH
YOU'RE NOT.
WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS
TO HIM? WHAT IF...
WHAT IF HE
STARTS HUSTLING?
WHAT IF I FOUND
OUT THAT HE'D DIED?
I'D HAVE IT ON
MY CONSCIENCE THE
REST OF MY LIFE.
OH, MY GOD!
YOU HAVE BEEN LISTENING
TO TOO MANY OPERAS.
SWEETIE, YOU... YOU
OFFERED HIM YOUR
HOME, YOUR TRUST.
YOU LITERALLY
GAVE HIM THE CLOTHES
OFF YOUR BACK.
SOMETHING, BY
THE WAY, THAT I
WOULD NEVER DO.
AND HOW DID
HE REPAY YOU?
YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
WHEN AM I EVER
GOING TO LEARN?
WELL, COME ON.
LET'S GO TO BABYLON.
DOZENS OF BEAUTIFUL
MEN WILL REJECT YOU,
AND YOU'LL FEEL
SO MUCH BETTER.
WHAT'S THAT?
OH, NOTHING.
JUST MY WALLET.
[ ?????? ]
SO YOU MIS-
JUDGED HIM.
YOU KNOW, YOU...
YOU SAID A LOT OF
TERRIBLE THINGS
THAT WEREN'T
TRUE, UH...
ME? WHAT
ABOUT YOU?
WELL, EVERYONE KNOWS
I'M A TERRIBLE JUDGE
OF CHARACTER.
YEAH, JUST LOOK
AT WHO HE HANGS
OUT WITH.
Emmett & Brian:
[ Chuckling ]
I GOT TO FIND
HIM. APOLOGIZE.
Brian:
YOU SHOULD
LOOK ON THE
BATHROOM FLOOR.
f**k YOU!
I SAID I
WANT A BEER.
NOT WITHOUT I.D.
WHO DO YOU HAVE TO
f**k TO GET A GODDAMN
DRINK AROUND HERE?
ME.
TWO BEERS.
I'M THIRSTY.
TO DARTMOUTH.
AND TO
YOUR BRIGHT,
SHINING FUTURE
AS PITTSBURGH'S
NEW ANDY CARNEGIE.
I'LL DRINK
TO THAT.
ONLY, I THOUGHT YOU
WERE GOING TO BE
THE NEXT ANDY WARHOL.
I CHANGED MY MIND.
AND AFTER ALL
THE TROUBLE
I WENT TO,
TO MAKE YOU THE
BEST HOMOSEXUAL
I COULD.
[ Snort ]
I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU'D BLOW IT.
AND WITH THE
FLIMSIEST EXCUSE.
"I'VE CAUSED
MY PARENTS
ENOUGH PAIN."
HOW CAN YOU EVEN
STAND THERE AND
LOOK ME IN THE EYE?
IT'S TRUE.
IT'S bulls**t.
THEY CAUSE
THEIR OWN PAIN.
JUST LIKE
EVERYBODY ELSE.
AND NOW YOU'RE
GOING TO GIVE UP
EVERYTHING YOU WANT
JUST TO MAKE
THEM HAPPY?
THAT IS
TOTALLY FUCKED.
SHUT UP, BRIAN!
YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.
I KNOW IT'S
SCARIER FINDING
YOUR OWN WAY
THAN DOING
WHAT'S EXPECTED.
I'M NOT SCARED.
YOU'RE f**king
TERRIFIED.
JUST LIKE THE
NIGHT YOU MET ME.
I WAS SURE YOU'D
RUN BACK HOME.
BUT YOU DIDN'T.
YOU SAID...
"I'M GOING
WITH HIM."
I CANNOT
BELIEVE THAT YOU
REMEMBER THAT.
CONSIDERING YOU
COULDN'T REMEMBER
MY NAME.
AND LOOK WHAT
HAPPENED. MMM.
I TURNED INTO
A BIG QUEER.
YEAH, LUCKY
FOR YOU.
OTHERWISE
I WOULDN'T BE
WASTING MY TIME.
BUT IT'S TOO
LATE NOW.
THERE'S NO
TURNING BACK.
[ ?????? ]
?? SO MANY ADVENTURES
COULDN'T HAPPEN TODAY ??
?? SO MANY SONGS
WE FORGOT TO PLAY ??
?? SO MANY DREAMS
SWINGING OUT OF THE BLUE ??
?? WE LET THEM COME TRUE ??
?? FOREVER YOUNG ??
?? I WANT TO BE
FOREVER YOUNG ??
?? DO YOU REALLY WANT
TO LIVE FOREVER ??
?? FOREVER AND EVER ??
?? FOREVER YOUNG ??
?? I WANT TO BE
FOREVER YOUNG ??
?? DO YOU REALLY WANT
TO LIVE FOREVER ??
?? FOREVER AND EVER ??
?? FOREVER YOUNG ??
?? I WANT TO BE
FOREVER YOUNG ??
?? DO YOU REALLY WANT... ??
I WAS WORRIED
ABOUT YOU.
WELL, YOU
COULD'VE CALLED.
I DID. YOUR CELL
PHONE WAS OFF.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M REORGA-
NIZING CDs.
BEFORE THAT,
I DID DVDs.
I DID THE BOOKS, I DID
THE MEDICINE CABINET,
I DID THE STEMWARE.
WHERE THE f**k WERE YOU?
OUT.
WITH THE BOYS?
AT THE MOVIES?
I WAS WITH SOMEONE.
THERE WAS THIS
GUY I... I DIDN'T
TELL YOU ABOUT
THAT I MET THE OTHER
NIGHT AT BABYLON.
HE GAVE ME HIS
PHONE NUMBER.
HE WAS REALLY
HOT, AND I WAS
ATTRACTED TO HIM.
SO I FIGURED, YOU
KNOW, WHAT THE HECK?
SO I CALLED HIM UP.
YOU DON'T NEED
TO GIVE ME ALL THE
DETAILS, MICHAEL.
YEAH, I DO.
WE HOOKED UP AND, UH...
WE WENT BACK
TO HIS PLACE...
AND WE STARTED
FOOLING AROUND...
AND... HE
WAS GIVING ME
A BLOW JOB...
WHEN I SUDDENLY
REALIZED...
I DIDN'T WANT
MY d*ck IN
HIS MOUTH.
SO I TOLD HIM TO STOP.
AND... I LEFT
AND I CAME HOME.
WHY?
I-I MEAN...
WHY DID YOU TELL
HIM TO STOP?
BECAUSE IT DIDN'T
MEAN ANYTHING.
IT WAS JUST SEX.
WITH US, IT'S ALWAYS
BEEN MORE THAN THAT.
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...
ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, FIVE, SIX.
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ ?????? ]
?? BABY'S ON FIRE... ??
[ Ringing of telephone ]
[ ?????? ]
[ Ringing of telephone ]
[ ?????? ]
[ Ringing of telephone ]
[ ?????? ]
[ Ringing of telephone ]
[ ?????? ]
[ Ringing of telephone ]
ARE YOU GOING
TO GET THAT?
[ Sighing ]
WHAT?
WHEN?
[ Sighing ]
YEAH, I'LL
BE THERE.
[ Groans of passion ]
EVERYTHING OKAY?
YEAH, SOME-
BODY DIED.
OH MY...
OH MY GOD!
I'M REALLY SORRY.
M-MAYBE WE
SHOULD GO.
YEAH.
WHO TOLD
YOU TO STOP?
[ Playful
chuckles ]
[ ?????? ]
OKAY. WHO
WOULD YOU
SLEEP WITH?
THE PROFESSOR
OR GILLIGAN?
Ted:
EASY.
PROFESSOR.
HE HAD THAT
DEEP VOICE,
THOSE PERFECTLY
PRESSED SHIRTS.
YEAH, HOW DO YOU
SUPPOSE HE FOUND
A GOOD CLEANER
ON THAT ISLAND?
I CAN'T FIND ONE
IN PITTSBURGH.
FRED FLINTSTONE,
BARNEY RUBBLE?
MMM, WE'RE TALKING
A RELATIONSHIP
OR JUST SEX?
HMM, ONE
NIGHT ONLY.
I HAVE TO GO
WITH FRED.
HE'S A
TOTAL BEAR.
[ Snickering ]
YEAH.
OKAY. MR. ROPER
OR MR. FURLEY?
OH!
MMMM. TOUGH ONE.
I'M GOING TO
GO WITH ROPER
BUT ONLY BECAUSE
I HAVE AN AVERSION
TO LOUD COLOURS
ON ANYONE
EXCEPT ME.
I NEED COFFEE.
OH, SOMEONE WAS UP
f**king UNTIL
THE WEE HOURS.
WAS HE CUTER THAN ME?
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
OH, I PICKED UP
AN EXTRA SHIFT
BEFORE FIRST PERIOD.
I'M SAVING UP TO GO
TO THE WHITE PARTY.
MY, MY, AREN'T YOU
TWO RAISING HIM WELL?
OH HEY, UH, ANYONE
WANT TO GO SEE THAT
NEW MATT DAMON
MOVIE TOMORROW?
I WAS, UH, READING
IN A CHAT ROOM LAST
NIGHT THAT THERE'S
A d*ck SHOT IN IT.
IT'S BRIEF, BUT
NONETHELESS...
d*ck!
Emmett:
YEAH. TOTALLY.
Michael:
YEAH. I'M
THERE. WHAT
ABOUT YOU?
I CAN'T. I HAVE
FAMILY STUFF.
W-WHY? YOUR SISTER
FIGHTING WITH HER
EX-HUSBAND AGAIN?
MY DAD DIED.
YOUR DAD?
WHEN?
YESTERDAY.
I'M REALLY SORRY.
WELL, HE WAS SICK.
IT WAS TIME.
YEAH, BUT HE'S YOUR DAD.
I SAID
I'M FINE.
[ Sniffle ]
[ ?????? ]
IF MY DAD DIED,
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I'D DO.
ME EITHER.
HOW OLD WAS HE?
60.
ANCIENT.
60'S NOT ANCIENT.
THEY SAY KIDS WHO
ARE BORN TODAY
ARE GOING TO LIVE
TO BE PAST 100.
[ Chuckle ]
HEY, CAN YOU
IMAGINE HAVING SEX
WHEN YOU'RE 100?
NO. I CAN'T IMAGINE
DOING IT NOW.
CHECK OUT
KEVIN CHASE.
WHAT DO
YOU THINK?
TOTAL HOTTIE.
AND HE'S GOT
A HUGE d*ck.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
GYM CLASS DOES
HAVE ITS PERKS.
WHAT ABOUT
CRAIG MATTHEWS?
HUH-UH. HE'S
GOT ACNE.
YEAH. BUT
A HOT a**.
WHAT ABOUT...
GLEN REEVES?
Justin:
HE'S OKAY.
Daphne:
JUST OKAY?
Justin:
ACTUALLY HE'S...
HE'S KIND
OF ADORABLE.
YEAH, HE'S
TOTALLY ADORABLE.
AND YOU KNOW,
I'VE ALWAYS GOTTEN
THIS CLOSETED-HOMO
VIBE FROM HIM.
I BET WITH ENOUGH
BEERS AND THE
RIGHT MUSIC,
WE'D TOTALLY
BE DOING IT.
NO WAY.
HEY, YOU.
HEY!
Glen:
HOW'D I DO?
YOU LOOKED GREAT
OUT THERE.
WHAT'S
GOING ON?
GOTCHA!
YOU TWO KNOW
EACH OTHER,
RIGHT?
SURE. HI.
HOW'S IT GOING?
OKAY.
OH, WANT TO
COME TO MY PLACE
TONIGHT AND STUDY?
UH, ACTUALLY I
WAS SUPPOSED TO
STUDY AT JUSTIN'S.
BUT IF
IT'S COOL,
COULD I TAKE
A RAIN CHECK?
SURE. UM...
I'M GOING TO BE
LATE FOR CLASS.
[ ?????? ]
f**k! IT'S A
HOT CROWD IN
HERE TONIGHT.
BRIAN, YOU
SHOULDN'T
BE HERE.
YEAH. WHERE
SHOULD I BE?
AT YOUR MOM'S?
PLANNING YOUR
DAD'S FUNERAL?
HE'S PRACTI-
CALLY BURIED.
WELL, IT'S REAS-
SURING TO KNOW
THAT NEITHER
RAIN NOR SNOW
CAN KEEP YOU
FROM YOUR
APPOINTED ROUNDS.
CONSISTENCY'S
A RARE VIRTUE.
ESPECIALLY IN THESE
UNCERTAIN TIMES.
LOOK, IF YOU
NEED ANYTHING...
LIKE RUNNING
ERRANDS...
MAKING CALLS...
IT'S TAKEN
CARE OF.
[ ?????? ]
[ ?????? ]
WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
I-I'M LOOKING
FOR A FOURTH
FOR BRIDGE.
HOW CAN YOU
EVEN THINK ABOUT
SEX RIGHT NOW?
AH, DEATH GIVES
YOU A REAL HARD-ON.
LOOK, LET ME
TAKE YOU HOME.
JESUS, BRIAN, YOUR
DAD JUST DIED!
HOW CAN YOU THINK
ABOUT GETTING
YOUR d*ck SUCKED?
THIS IS MY
GRIEF COUNSELLOR.
[ Gasp of
arousal ]
[ Panting ]
[ Deep inhalation ]
IS HE ACTUALLY
YOUR BOYFRIEND
NOW OR SOMETHING?
I GUESS.
THANKS FOR
TELLING ME.
YOU'VE BEEN f**king
SOME 29-YEAR-OLD
GUY THE WHOLE YEAR.
WHY CAN'T I SEE
SOMEONE TOO?
SO HOW LONG HAVE
YOU GUYS BEEN...?
OH, ABOUT A MONTH.
ONE DAY AFTER
ENGLISH CLASS WE
STARTED TALKING
ABOUT "SISTER CARRIE"
AND HOW AWESOME
AND TRAGIC IT IS.
BEFORE I KNEW IT,
WE WERE INSTANT-
MESSAGING EACH OTHER
PRACTICALLY
EVERY NIGHT.
OH.
WELL, WE'RE STILL
BEST FRIENDS, RIGHT?
I GUESS.
WELL, AREN'T WE?
[ Snorting ]
YEAH.
HAVE YOU GUYS DONE
THE NASTY YET?
NONE OF
YOUR BUSINESS.
OH, COME ON.
I TELL YOU
EVERYTHING.
WELL,
WE FOOLED
AROUND SOME.
HE WANTS
TO DO MORE,
AND SO DO I...
I THINK.
ONLY HE'S A LOT
MORE EXPERIENCED
THAN I AM,
AND I DO NOT WANT
TO COME OFF AS
A TOTAL FREAK
WHO DOESN'T
HAVE A CLUE.
SO PRACTICE FIRST.
NAH. I'VE HEARD
HORROR STORIES ABOUT
THE FIRST TIME.
I MEAN, IF...
IF THE GUY
ISN'T CAREFUL,
IT CAN BE
REALLY PAINFUL.
YEAH. I
WAS LUCKY.
BRIAN WENT
REAL SLOW.
YEAH, WELL THAT'S
WHY I WANT MY
FIRST TIME
TO BE WITH
SOMEONE WHO...
KNOWS WHAT IT
FEELS LIKE.
LIKE YOU.
SHE WANTS YOU TO f**k HER?
GAY MEN AND
STRAIGHT GIRLS
SLEEPING TOGETHER:
ISN'T THAT ONE
OF THE SIGNS OF
THE APOCALYPSE?
HAVE YOU
EVER BEEN
WITH A WOMAN?
LOTS OF TIMES.
WHEN I WAS 14,
I HAD SEX WITH,
UH, FOUR GIRLS
AT SUMMER CAMP.
WHEN I WAS 15, I
HAD AN AFFAIR WITH
MY MOM'S BEST FRIEND.
AND WHEN
I WAS 16,
I MADE IT WITH
MRS. ELSTEAD, MY
GEOMETRY TEACHER.
NO. NO!
YOU a**hole.
WELL THEN, HON,
UM... HOW DO YOU
KNOW YOU CAN?
BECAUSE AT HIS AGE
HE COULD RUB UP
AGAINST A TREE
AND GET A HARD-ON.
Emmett:
HAVING RECENTLY
MADE LOVE
TO A WOMAN,
I, UM...
I CAN GIVE YOU
A FEW POINTERS.
BANGING A BULL
DYKE FOR JESUS
ISN'T EXACTLY
MAKING LOVE.
Michael:
I'VE SORT
OF BEEN
WITH A WOMAN.
YOU HAVE?
TENTH GRADE.
MARSHA GRUNDIG GAVE
ME A BLOW JOB.
WELL, SHE DIDN'T GIVE
IT TO ME. SHE CHARGED
ME FIVE BUCKS.
SHE CHARGED EVERY-
BODY FIVE BUCKS.
THAT'S A...
THAT'S A
TOUCHING MEMORY.
I KNOW I'LL BE DOING
DAPHNE A FAVOUR,
BUT I STILL FEEL
KIND OF WEIRD
ABOUT IT.
I THINK IT'S A
REAL COMPLIMENT
SHE ASKED YOU
TO DO THIS.
YEAH, IT MEANS SHE
REALLY TRUSTS YOU.
Emmett:
GO TO HER,
JUSTIN.
TEACH HER WHAT
IT IS TO BE A
REAL WOMAN.
LIKE SOMEBODY
TAUGHT YOU.
Brian:
BE CAREFUL.
OH, s**t!
Emmett:
WELL, YOU
WERE...
BOUND TO
RUN INTO HIM
EVENTUALLY.
WHY DID
EVENTUALLY HAVE
TO BE TONIGHT?
WHAT DO I SAY?
WHY SAY ANYTHING?
JUST IGNORE HIM.
I SHOULD GO
APOLOGIZE.
NO, YOU SHOULD
STAY AND ANSWER
ME THIS:
LENNY OR,
UH, SQUIGGY?
[ ?????? ]
HEY, BLAKE, UM...
LOOK, I ALREADY
TOLD YOU I DON'T
HAVE YOUR MONEY.
THAT'S NOT WHY
I WANTED TO
TALK WITH YOU.
LOOK, I FOUND
MY WALLET.
IT WAS IN
EMMETT'S COUCH.
CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA
HOW HORRIBLE...
UH, REALLY
HORRIBLE I FEEL.
LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE
GOING THROUGH
A TOUGH TIME...
RIGHT NOW, AND
I REALIZE THAT
AFTER WHAT I DID,
YOU'VE GOT
NO REASON TO
BELIEVE ME, BUT...
IF YOU NEED
ANYTHING...
WELL, A SYMPA-
THETIC EAR OR...
A SHOULDER TO
CRY ON OR...
AN OBJECTIVE EYE...
HOW ABOUT
THROWING IN AN
ARM AND A LEG?
[ Snorting ]
WELL, THAT TOO...
IF YOU WANT 'EM.
ALL RIGHT.
[ ?????? ]
YEAH, THIS IS THE ONE
HE SHOULD BE BURIED IN.
WORN OUT AND DREARY,
JUST LIKE HIM.
WELL, DO YOU THINK
YOU SHOULD RUN IT
BY YOUR SISTER FIRST?
HMM, SHE'D PROBABLY SEE
THIS UGLY, OLD SUIT
AND START CRYING AGAIN.
WELL AT LEAST SHE'S
EXPRESSING HOW SHE FEELS.
SHE'S MILKING IT
FOR ATTENTION.
DON'T BE CYNICAL.
CLAIRE IS
A cu*t.
DAD COULDN'T EVEN
STAND HER. HER HUSBAND
COULDN'T STAND HER.
HER f**king KIDS...
CAN'T STAND HER.
SO WHILE SHE'S
BUSY BEING A
BASKET CASE,
I'M STUCK DOING
EVERYTHING ELSE,
THE FUNERAL HOME,
THE CEMETERY...
THE OBITUARY.
WELL, I SAID
I WOULD HELP.
YOU WANT TO HELP?
SEE IF YOU CAN
FIND A TIE
THAT'S NOT TOO
OFFENSIVE, IF
THAT'S POSSIBLE.
BRIAN.
WHAT?
PACKETS OR SUGAR CUBES?
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE
A HOUSE FULL OF GUESTS.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
PEOPLE PREFER.
I'M SURE NO ONE
GIVES A s**t.
UM... MY MOM
SAYS THAT PEOPLE
AT THE DINER
PREFER PACKETS
THREE TO ONE
BECAUSE THE...
THE... THE CUBES ARE
INDIVIDUALLY WRAPPED,
AND THEY FALL ON THE
FLOOR AND PEOPLE STEP...
HOW IS YOUR
MOTHER, MICHAEL?
SHE'S FINE,
MRS. KINNEY,
THANK YOU.
SHE WAS ALWAYS SUCH
A... CHARACTER.
PLEASE REMEMBER
TO TH-THANK
HER FOR THE...
UM, SANDWICH PLATTER.
AH, I WILL. AND, UH...
I HAVE TO SAY I'M SORRY
FOR YOUR LOSS.
THANK YOU, MICHAEL.
UH, BRIAN, IF YOU SEE
ANYTHING YOU WANT,
JUST PLEASE TAKE
IT. I'VE CALLED
THE GOODWILL
AND THEY'RE
COMING TOMORROW.
THAT WAS QUICK.
WELL, I DON'T LIKE
SEEING THINGS LYING
AROUND, YOU KNOW THAT.
YOUR FATHER SPENT MORE
WEEKENDS WITH THAT
THAN HE DID WITH ME.
PACKETS. GOOD. WELL,
THAT'S DECIDED.
[ Exhalation of relief ]
[ Snort ]
I FORGOT WHAT IT WAS
LIKE AT YOUR HOUSE.
YEAH, THAT'S WHY I WAS
ALWAYS OVER AT YOURS.
A GUY THREW UP
ON MY BED.
WHAT?
THE PLACE WHERE
I'M STAYING.
I... WENT BACK
THERE TONIGHT
AND SOME TWEAKED-
OUT a**hole...
BARFED ON MY BED.
HOW HORRIBLE.
I CAN'T STAY THERE
ANY MORE. I...
I JUST CAN'T.
I DON'T
BLAME YOU.
THEN I THOUGHT OF
WHAT YOU SAID, UM...
THAT I COULD
COUNT ON YOU
FOR ANYTHING.
SO YOU CAME HERE?
I DIDN'T KNOW
WHERE ELSE TO GO.
I'M GLAD YOU DID.
[ Clearing of throat ]
WELL, COME IN.
YOU SURE?
SURE I'M SURE.
YOU'RE WELCOME
TO STAY HERE
TONIGHT, OR...
A COUPLE OF NIGHTS.
DID YOU BRING
YOUR STUFF?
[ Yawning ]
WELL, IT'S
ALWAYS GOOD
TO TRAVEL LIGHT.
COME ON.
I JUST WANT YOU
TO KNOW, I'M
CLEAN. I SWEAR.
I BELIEVE YOU.
THANKS.
UM...
LOOK...
UH... UH...
[ Chuckle ]
LET'S, UH...
LET'S NOT... RUSH
INTO THIS, OKAY?
I MEAN, WE BOTH
NEED TIME TO, UH...
COMPREHEND
AND TO, UH...
PROCESS HOW
WE FEEL. HMM?
[ Exhaling ]
THAT SAID, I THINK
IT WOULD BE...
MORE... APPROPRIATE,
NOT TO MENTION...
RESPONSIBLE... FOR
BOTH OF US TO, UH...
OH, f**k IT!
[ ?????? ]
Priest:
LET US REMEMBER
THAT WE ARE DUST,
AND WE WILL
RETURN TO DUST.
ALMIGHTY GOD, THROUGH
THE DEATH OF YOUR
SON ON THE CROSS,
YOU HAVE OVERCOME
DEATH FOR US.
THROUGH HIS BURIAL
AND RESURRECTION
FROM THE DEAD,
YOU HAVE MADE THE
GRAVE A HOLY PLACE,
AND RESTORED TO
US ETERNAL LIFE.
WE PRAY FOR THOSE WHO
DIED BELIEVING IN JESUS,
AND ARE BURIED WITH HIM
IN THE HOPE
OF RISING AGAIN.
GOD OF THE LIVING
AND THE DEAD,
MAY THOSE WHO FAITHFULLY
BELIEVED IN YOU ON EARTH
PRAISE YOU FOREVER
IN THE JOY OF HEAVEN.
WE ASK THIS IN THE NAME
OF JESUS THE LORD...
AMEN.
Mourners:
AMEN.
THROUGH THE MERCY OF
GOD, MAY JACK AND ALL
THE FAITHFUL DEPARTED
REST IN THE
PEACE OF CHRIST.
AMEN.
IN THE HOPE OF
THE RESURRECTION,
LET US LEAVE OUR
BROTHER JACK KINNEY
TO REST IN PEACE.
IN THE NAME OF THE
FATHER AND OF THE SON
AND OF THE HOLY SPIRIT...
AMEN.
[ ?????? ]
CLAIRE, WOULD YOU
PULL YOURSELF
TOGETHER, PLEASE?
DADDY DIED, MOTHER.
I AM ALLOWED
TO FALL APART.
FINE THEN,
FALL APART.
BILLY...
Emmett:
CAN WE LEAVE?
Ted:
SHHH!
Emmett:
WE'VE BEEN HERE
FOR MONTHS. YEARS.
Melanie:
DO YOU HAVE TO BE
SO f**king LOUD
FOR CHRIST SAKE?
SORRY, FATHER.
Michael:
WE HAVE TO
STAY FOR BRIAN.
HE HASN'T
SAID A WORD.
Melanie:
OR EVEN CRIED.
WELL, CLAIRE'S
DOING A BANG-UP
JOB FOR EVERYBODY.
Claire:
[ Sobbing ]
WHAT'S IN THE
BAG, UNCLE BRI?
GRANDPA'S HEAD.
DO YOU WANT
TO SEE IT?
WE BETTER GO.
WE HAVE TO
PICK UP GUS.
AND I, UH,
HAVE SOMEBODY
STAYING WITH ME,
SO I SHOULD...
YOU DO?
YOU DON'T.
OH, EXCUSE ME, EVERYONE.
UM, I THOUGHT
IT WOULD BE NICE...
[ Loud sniffle ]
IF WE ALL SHARED SOME
MEMORIES OF DADDY.
UH, FATHER,
WOULD YOU START?
[ Loud sniffle ]
I MUST CONFESS I
DIDN'T KNOW HIM WELL.
HE NEVER CAME TO MASS.
UH... UM...
[ Sniffle ]
ANYONE ELSE?
IT... IT WAS
A WHILE AGO.
BRIAN AND I
WERE IN COLLEGE.
HE... HE
TOLD ME ONCE
I SMELLED NICE.
OH, AND THEN HE
GAVE ME A MINT.
UH, I REMEMBER...
UM, THIS IS JUST
AFTER I'D MET BRIAN,
MR. KINNEY TOOK
US BOWLING.
UM, AND I'M A
TERRIBLE BOWLER.
SO IS BRIAN.
I THINK OUR SCORE
WAS, LIKE, NINE
AFTER SEVEN FRAMES.
AND, UH, THEN A
MIRACLE HAPPENED.
BRIAN ROLLED THE BALL AND
IT WAS HEADED TOWARDS THE
GUTTER LIKE ALL THE REST,
BUT THEN SUDDENLY
IT CHANGED DIRECTION.
AND THERE WAS A STRIKE.
AND WE WERE SO
EXCITED AND WE WERE
JUMPING UP AND DOWN
THAT WE DIDN'T REALIZE
THAT MR. KINNEY HAD
COME BACK FROM THE BAR
AND SEEN THE WHOLE THING.
AND HE RAN OVER TO BRIAN
AND HE PICKED HIM UP,
AND HE HUGGED HIM
AND HE KISSED HIM,
AND HE TOLD HIM HOW
PROUD HE WAS OF HIM.
AND OF COURSE,
BRIAN GOT ALL EMBAR-
RASSED AND RAN OFF.
I GUESS THAT MOMENT MEANT
A LOT TO ME BECAUSE I
NEVER HAD A FATHER AND...
I'LL ALWAYS
REMEMBER THAT DAY
AND THAT HUG.
[ Sobbing ]
THANK YOU, MICHAEL.
THAT WAS A LOVELY
STORY, MICHAEL.
Brian:
YEAH, MICHAEL,
THAT WAS LOVELY.
IT MAKES ME WANT TO SHARE
SOME MEMORIES OF MY OWN.
SOMETHING WE COULD
ALL TREASURE.
OR THE NIGHT THAT HE
FOUND OUT THAT YOU
WERE PREGNANT WITH ME.
HE TOLD MOM TO PUT ON
HER MOST BEAUTIFUL DRESS,
TOOK HER TO
THE MOST EXPENSIVE
RESTAURANT IN TOWN,
POURED HER A GLASS
OF BUBBLY AND THEN...
GET THIS. HE
LEANED OVER...
AND HE SAID... "JOANIE...
YOU'RE GETTING YOURSELF
AN ABORTION BECAUSE...
I DON'T WANT ANOTHER
f**king KID."
[ Snorting ]
CLAIRE, DO YOU HAVE ANY-
THING YOU WANT TO SHARE?
Claire:
[ Sob/sniffle ]
COME ON IN.
THANKS.
YOU CAN PUT
YOUR BACKPACK
OVER HERE.
DO YOU WANT TO LISTEN
TO SOMETHING?
DAPH?
HUH?
OH... YEAH, WHATEVER.
WHATEVER YOU
WANT TO HEAR.
SO... HOW LONG
DO YOU THINK THIS
IS GOING TO TAKE?
UM... I DUNNO.
MAYBE AN HOUR.
'CAUSE I GOT TO BE
HOME BY 6:00. I
PROMISED MY MOM AND...
MY GRANDMA'S COMING
OVER FOR DINNER SO...
IF YOU DON'T WANT
TO DO THIS THEN...
NO...
NO, I... I DO.
[ Guitar ?????? ]
DO YOU HAVE ANY CONDOMS?
[ Snorting ]
ARE YOU KIDDING?
'CAUSE I BROUGHT
SOME IN CASE.
AND, UH, LUBRICANT,
SPERMICIDAL FOAM.
YOU'RE REALLY
PREPARED.
I GUESS
WE SHOULD...
YEAH.
I GUESS
WE SHOULD.
IN A WAY,
THIS IS YOUR
FIRST TIME TOO.
I MEAN, WITH
A GIRL AND...
YEAH.
WE CAN...
GIVE IT A
SHOT TOGETHER.
ONLY AFTER-
WARDS, DAPH...
LET'S NOT
GET WEIRD.
WEIRD HOW?
I DUNNO, JUST...
LET'S JUST NOT.
NO WEIRDNESS.
[ ?????? ]
Both:
[ Light chuckle ]
[ ?????? ]
Both:
[ Panting ]
DO YOU
FEEL GOOD?
YEAH.
[ ?????? ]
Ted:
TALK ABOUT THE
FUNERAL FROM HELL.
[ Giggling ]
I WILL ALWAYS
REMEMBER
HIS SISTER
SCREAMING,
"YOU s**t!
YOU s**t!"
WHAT ABOUT FATHER
O'WHAT'S-HIS-FACE
CARRYING HIS MOTHER
UP TO HER ROOM.
[ Laughing ]
THEY DIDN'T
COME DOWN FOR,
LIKE, AN HOUR.
HMMM.
[ Chuckle ]
DO YOU THINK
IT'S REALLY TRUE?
WHAT HIS
FATHER SAID?
AH, YOU KNOW,
BRIAN'S ALWAYS
TRYING TO SHOCK
EVERYBODY.
BUT SOMEHOW
I BELIEVE IT.
CAN YOU IMAGINE
GROWING UP
IN THAT HOUSE?
HOW DID HE
EVER SURVIVE?
WHO'S TO SAY HE DID?
HEY, THESE ARE
KIND OF NICE.
YEAH.
YEAH, THEY'LL
MAKE A FABULOUS
CENTREPIECE...
FOR YOUR...
ROMANTIC...
DINNER FOR TWO.
I THINK I'LL
USE THAT CHINA
MY GRANDMOTHER
LEFT ME.
MMMM. PERFECT.
PERFECT, AND,
UH, AND... AND
THE GOOD CRYSTAL.
I'M SURE BLAKE'LL
APPRECIATE THAT.
f**k YOU.
EXCUSE ME?
I ALREADY TOLD YOU,
HE'S NOT USING.
OKAY, UM, CAN
I... CAN I HAVE
A SHOW OF HANDS?
UH, HOW MANY PEOPLE
THINK THE TWINK IS
NO LONGER TWEAKING?
NO ONE.
YEAH, WELL YOU'RE
ALL WRONG.
NO, TEDDY,
YOU ARE.
BELIEVE ME,
I KNOW.
YOU DON'T KNOW.
YOU'RE JUST
JEALOUS.
JEALOUS?
JEALOUS THAT I'VE
ACTUALLY FOUND
SOMEBODY WHO
CARES ABOUT ME
AND WANTS TO
BE WITH ME.
HE'S USING
YOU, TEDDY.
THAT'S WHAT
USERS DO.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
AND YOU JUST
DON'T WANT ME
TO HAVE SOMETHING
BECAUSE YOU
DON'T HAVE IT.
YOU'RE LIKE
EVERY OTHER FAG
IN THE WORLD.
Michael:
YOU SHOULD
APOLOGIZE.
AH! FOR WHAT?
YOU KNOW DAMN WELL.
HE WAS YOUR DAD.
EVEN THOUGH HE WASN'T
ALWAYS NICE TO YOU,
WHEN YOU DIE, YOU DESERVE
A LITTLE RESPECT.
bulls**t.
IF YOU DON'T EARN RESPECT
WHEN YOU'RE ALIVE,
YOU DON'T DESERVE IT
WHEN YOU'RE DEAD.
ANYWAY, YOU
WERE VERY...
RESPECTFUL.
EVERYONE WAS
VERY... TOUCHED
BY YOUR LITTLE... MEMORY.
ONLY YOU DON'T
REMEMBER s**t.
[ Snorting of drug ]
WANT SOME?
HAVEN'T YOU
ABUSED YOUR-
SELF ENOUGH?
NO!
I GOT A STRIKE
THAT DAY...
Brian:
YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.
AND WE WERE JUMPING
UP AND DOWN, SCREAMING.
YOU GOT THAT RIGHT TOO.
AND THAT'S WHEN
JACK CAME BACK
FROM THE BAR AND
SURPRISED US.
BUT HE DIDN'T HUG ME.
THAT WAS JUST YOUR
"GEE, I WISH I HAD
A DADDY" FANTASY.
YOU HUGGED ME.
REMEMBER?
AND I GAVE YOU
A BIG KISS.
[ Sniffing ]
THEN THAT'S
WHEN HE SAID,
"WHAT ARE YOU, A
COUPLA FUCKIN' FAIRIES?"
AND THEN I PUSHED
YOU AWAY SO HARD,
YOU PRACTICALLY
ROLLED DOWN
THE LANE.
AND THEN I RAN.
AND I RAN...
AND... IT'S
HOT IN HERE.
[ Popping of buttons ]
MAYBE COFFEE
WASN'T SUCH
A GOOD IDEA.
STAY HERE
WITH ME.
OKAY.
JUST FOR A
LITTLE BIT.
[ Laughing ]
YOU'RE HIGH.
YEAH.
[ Groan ]
WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
WAIT...
I'M JUST...
FOOLING AROUND.
NO. NO!
WAIT.
ISN'T THAT
WHAT YOU ALWAYS
WANTED, MICHAEL?
WHAT? A DRUNKEN
f**k SO YOU DON'T
HAVE TO THINK
ABOUT YOUR DAD?
I NEVER
WANTED THAT.
[ ?????? ]
YOU... ARE
THE BEST KISSER,
HANDS DOWN.
[ Giggle ]
NO. NO-NO,
SWEETHEART.
THAT'S JUST
AN EXPRESSION.
PUT 'EM... PUT
'EM BACK UP.
RIGHT. ATTABOY.
[ ?????? ]
'SCUSE ME...
LOVER, I, UH...
I'LL BE RIGHT
BACK. OKAY?
DON'T YOU... DON'T
YOU GO ANYWHERE.
STAY RIGHT
THERE, OKAY?
[ ?????? ]
'SCUSE ME.
NO THANKS.
NO THANKS WHAT?
I DON'T WANT
TO DANCE.
I WASN'T
GOING TO ASK.
WOULD YOU
EXCUSE US?
WHO THE HELL
ARE YOU?
I'M EMMETT HONEYCUTT,
TED SCHMIDT'S FRIEND.
YEAH, WE, UM...
WE MET HERE
THE OTHER NIGHT,
WHEN, UH...
YOU WERE SO TWEAKED
YOU PASSED OUT ON
THE BATHROOM FLOOR.
WE HAD TO RUSH
YOU TO THE
EMERGENCY ROOM.
ANY OF THIS STARTING
TO RING A BELL?
I REMEMBER NOW.
GOOD! GOOD
FOR YOU.
SO YOU... YOU
FEELING BETTER?
NOW THAT TED'S
LETTING ME
STAY WITH HIM.
THAT'S OUR BOY.
SO, UH, TELL
ME, WHY AREN'T
YOU THERE, UH,
TALKING TO HIM
INSTEAD OF HERE
TALKING TO
A DEALER?
HIM? HE'S
JUST A FRIEND.
[ Scoffing ]
HONEY...
DON'T bulls**t ME.
TED, MAYBE.
HE DOESN'T KNOW
ABOUT THESE THINGS.
BUT, UH...
BUT WE DO.
OH YES, WE KNOW
WHAT HAPPENS
ONCE YOU'VE INJEC-
TED CRYSTAL METH
INTO THOSE
SKINNY LITTLE ARMS.
I TRIED TO
WARN HIM...
BUT HE WOULDN'T
LISTEN...
BECAUSE HE
LOVES YOU.
IN FACT HE LOVES
YOU SO MUCH,
HE BELIEVES YOU'RE
CLEAN. IMAGINE THAT.
I LOVE HIM TOO.
NO.
YOU LOVE DRUGS.
SO GET DRUGS.
HERE, I WILL EVEN
GIVE YOU THE MONEY.
BUT LEAVE
HIM ALONE,
BECAUSE IF YOU
BREAK HIS HEART,
I WILL BREAK
YOUR FACE.
NOW, IF YOU'LL
EXCUSE ME,
THEY'RE PLAYING
MY SONG.
[ ?????? ]
?? COME, MY LADY,
COME, COME, MY LADY ??
?? YOU'RE MY BUTTERFLY
SUGAR BABY ??
?? COME, MY LADY,
COME, COME, MY LADY ??
?? YOU'RE MY BUTTERFLY
SUGAR BABY ??
?? SUCH A SEXY, SEXY
PRETTY LITTLE THING... ??
HEY!
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
I JUST THOUGHT
I'D DROP IN
AND SAY HI.
HI, SEPTEMBER.
HI, JUSTIN.
UH, CAN I GET YOU
SOMETHING TO EAT...
ON THE HOUSE?
OH, YEAH. UM, A
HOT FUDGE SUNDAE.
I'M ON A DIET.
I GOTTA GET READY
FOR THE PROM.
OKAY.
September:
I SUPPOSE YOU TWO
ARE GOING TOGETHER?
[ Giggling ]
DAPHNE, CAN I TALK
TO YOU FOR A SECOND?
OVER HERE.
DID YOU SAY
ANYTHING?
ABOUT WHAT?
OH... THAT.
OH, THAT.
WE NEVER SAID
IT WAS A SECRET.
I CAN'T
BELIEVE IT.
WHAT'S SO TERRIBLE?
THE WORST THAT
CAN HAPPEN
IS PEOPLE THINK
YOU'RE STRAIGHT.
BESIDES, IT
WAS NICE.
I WANTED TO SHARE
IT WITH SOMEONE.
WELL THEN,
I GUESS...
IT'S OKAY.
I THOUGHT MAYBE WE
COULD DO SOMETHING
WHEN YOU GET OFF.
MMM, I CAN'T.
I HAVE PLANS.
WHAT PLANS?
JUST PLANS.
YOU DIDN'T
TELL ME.
WHY DON'T YOU
GO OUT WITH
YOUR BOYFRIEND?
WE BROKE UP.
YOU DID?
THE MORE I THOUGHT
ABOUT IT, THE
MORE I REALIZED
WE DIDN'T REALLY
HAVE THAT MUCH
IN COMMON.
I... I THOUGHT
YOU HAD AMAZING
I.M. SESSIONS.
THEY WEREN'T
THAT AMAZING.
HE CAN'T SPELL.
AND LATELY WE'VE
BEEN RUNNING
OUT OF THINGS
TO CHAT ABOUT.
THAT NEVER HAPPENS
TO YOU AND ME.
[ Snorting ]
I SAT THERE WAITING
FOR HIM FOR HOURS.
WELL, MAYBE HE FORGOT.
OR HAD OTHER PLANS.
WE WERE SUPPOSED
TO HAVE DINNER.
THE ROAST WAS IN THE OVEN.
THE WINE WAS
CHILLING.
THE FLOWERS WERE
ON THE TABLE.
FINALLY I WENT OUT
DRIVING AROUND.
CHECKING ALL THE
BARS, THE CLUBS,
I... I... I COULD...
I COULDN'T FIND HIM.
ALWAYS THE WAY.
YOU DON'T WANT
TO RUN INTO
SOMEONE,
THEY'RE THE FIRST
PERSON YOU SEE.
YOU WANT TO SEE
SOMEONE, AND
THEY'RE NOWHERE...
DO YOU MIND IF WE STAY
ON TRACK HERE? PLEASE?
SURE.
THANK YOU.
[ Heavy sigh ]
HE NEVER CAME HOME.
HOME?
WELL, UH, MAYBE
YOU SHOULD CALL
THE POLICE STATION
OR THE
HOSPITALS.
OR THE MORGUE.
OH, THANKS A
f**king LOT.
WELL, WE'RE
JUST TRYING
TO BE HELPFUL.
WELL THEN WOULD YOU MAKE
A HELPFUL SUGGESTION.
Woman: [ On intercom ]
Mr. Novotny, register 19.
Mr. Novotny, register 19.
THAT'S ME.
GOTTA GO.
YOU WANT A HELPFUL
SUGGESTION?
FORGET ABOUT WHY HE
LEFT OR WHERE HE WENT,
AND JUST BE GRATEFUL
THAT HE'S GONE.
Emmett:
I gotta go.
SO GLAD I CALLED.
Melanie:
NOW I KNOW WHY
PEOPLE SLEEP
ON FUTONS.
YEAH, WHY
DIDN'T YOU BUY
A MATTRESS AT A
DEPARTMENT STORE?
[ Laughing ]
LINDSAY, DARLING,
SWEETHEART,
YOU WANT TO
FIELD THAT ONE?
BECAUSE I SAW
AN AD, 50% OFF.
OH, OKAY. SO
IN ORDER TO
SAVE 100 BUCKS,
YOU RUN THE RISK
OF PERMANENT
BACK INJURY.
MMM.
WOMEN ARE SO
f**king WEIRD.
WHY IS THAT
A WOMAN THING?
BECAUSE NO GUY,
UNLESS HE HAD
MONEY ISSUES,
WOULD DO SOME-
THING LIKE THAT.
Melanie:
PUSH.
PUSH, PUSH, PUSH.
YOU GET WEIRD
ABOUT SEX.
AFTER I HAD
SEX WITH MY
FRIEND DAPHNE,
SHE f**king
FLIPPED OUT.
Lindsay & Melanie:
WHAT!?
YOU SLEPT WITH DAPHNE?
SHE WANTED ME TO
BE HER FIRST TIME.
WELL HOW WAS IT?
IT WAS...
SHE'S GOING TO
NEED PRACTICE.
ANYWAY, WE SAID
THAT NOTHING
WOULD CHANGE,
AND IT TOTALLY HAS.
I THINK SHE'S
IN LOVE WITH ME.
WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE
IT'S NOT AS EASY
FOR MOST WOMEN
TO SEPARATE LOVE
AND SEX AS IT
IS FOR A MAN.
Melanie:
YEAH.
THAT WAS ALWAYS MY
BIG COMPLAINT WITH MEN.
Lindsay:
ESPECIALLY IF IT'S
YOUR FIRST TIME.
I MEAN, HERE
YOU ARE ALLOWING
SOMEONE TO COME
INSIDE YOUR BODY.
I MEAN, YOU'VE NEVER
FELT SO CLOSE TO
ANYONE IN YOUR LIFE.
AND BEFORE YOU
KNOW IT, YOU'RE...
FALLING IN LOVE
WITH THIS PERSON
WHO'S MADE YOU
FEEL LIKE...
A WAY YOU'VE
NEVER FELT
BEFORE.
SO NOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND
WHY DAPHNE MIGHT BE
IN LOVE WITH YOU?
COME ON. PUSH.
YES!
PUSH.
All:
[ Grunts of effort ]
I GOT A MESSAGE
AT THE STORE TO
DROP EVERYTHING.
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE
OF OUR BIG Q 24-HOUR
CLEARANCE SALE.
THAT'S THE BIGGEST
EVENT OF THE YEAR.
HERE'S YOUR SHOES.
AFTER YOUR
TOUCHING EULOGY,
I DECIDED TO
COME AND PAY
MY RESPECTS
TO JACK KINNEY.
WHERE WE ONCE
BOWLED THE
LARGEST NUMBER
OF CONSECUTIVE
GUTTER BALLS
EVER RECORDED.
MM-HMM.
SO WHAT DO YOU
SAY? WE ROLL ONE
FOR THE OLD f**k?
Men:
[ Snickering ]
[ Clearing
of throat ]
HETEROS: ONE.
HOMOS: NOTHING.
ALL RIGHT, I'VE
PAID MY RESPECTS.
LET'S GO.
HOLD ON.
[ ?????? ]
?? HOW DOES IT FEEL LIKE
TO WAKE UP IN THE SUN? ??
?? HOW DOES IT FEEL LIKE
TO SHINE ON EVERYONE? ??
?? HOW DOES IT FEEL LIKE... ??
Man:
HEY!
THAT'S RIGHT.
THE FUCKIN'
FAIRIES GOT
A STRIKE.
THE FUCKIN'
FAIRIES ARE JUMPING
UP AND DOWN.
THE FUCKIN'
FAIRIES ARE GOING
TO CELEBRATE.
[ Chuckling ]
[ ?????? ]
Man:
THANK YOU.
HEY.
HEY.
YOU KNOW, THE NEW
"PANSY DIVISION"
JUST CAME IN.
YOU WANT TO HEAR?
OH, NO THANKS.
SOME OTHER TIME.
THAT'S A REALLY
COOL SHIRT.
GOES WITH
YOUR EYES.
[ Scoffing ]
DAPH, YOU'VE
SEEN IT LIKE A
MILLION TIMES.
MM. GUESS I
NEVER NOTICED.
BUT I DO NOW.
UH, ACTUALLY,
THE REASON
THAT I'M HERE...
UH... WELL, I WAS
GOING TO SEND
YOU AN E-MAIL
BUT I THOUGHT IT
WOULD BE BETTER IF
I CAME IN PERSON.
WELL, WHY DON'T
YOU COME OVER
TONIGHT? I MEAN...
MY PARENTS AREN'T
GOING TO BE HOME
AND...
NO!
I MEAN... IT...
THIS IS FINE.
ACTUALLY,
I JUST...
I WANT TO
MAKE SURE THAT
YOU UNDERSTAND.
THAT... I MEAN,
JUST BECAUSE WE
HAD SEX ONCE,
DOESN'T MEAN THAT
WE'RE NOW BOYFRIEND
AND GIRLFRIEND.
I NEVER SAID
WE WERE.
YOU'RE CALLING
ME, LIKE, EIGHT
TIMES A DAY.
I HAVEN'T CALLED
YOU EIGHT TIMES.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT WAS ELEVEN.
I'M NOT COUNTING
THREE HANG-UPS.
AND THAT CARD.
"FRIENDSHIP
IS THE HIGHEST
FORM OF LOVE"...
DAPH...
ALL RIGHT, I
GET THE POINT.
I MEAN, WHEN
YOU'VE SLEPT
WITH AS MANY
GUYS AS YOU HAVE,
I'M SURE THAT'S
ALL IT WAS:
ANOTHER f**k.
AH... I NEVER
SAID IT WAS JUST
ANOTHER f**k.
I HAVEN'T
SLEPT WITH
THAT MANY GUYS.
CAN WE NOT TALK
ABOUT IT HERE?
I'VE GOT TO WORK.
DAPH...
I WAS DOING
YOU A FAVOUR.
THAT'S ALL IT WAS.
THAT'S ALL IT WAS
MEANT TO BE AND...
NOW YOU'VE TOTALLY GOTTEN
WEIRD, WHICH WE AGREED
WOULD NOT HAPPEN.
I'M NOT THE ONE
WHO GOT WEIRD.
EVER SINCE YOU MET
BRIAN, YOU'VE BE-
COME THIS TOTALLY
DIFFERENT PERSON.
YOU GO OUT WITH
HIM ALL THE TIME
TO BARS AND CLUBS.
IT'S LIKE I DON'T
EVEN KNOW YOU.
YOU'VE JUST
BECOME THIS FULL-
TIME HOMOSEXUAL.
[ Laboured
breathing ]
HOW'D YOU
FIND ME?
DIDN'T I TELL YOU?
BESIDES BEING AN
ACCOUNTANT, I'M ALSO
A PART-TIME SLEUTH.
YOU'RE FUNNY.
YEAH.
SHEER TERROR
PIQUES MY WIT.
YOUR HANDS ARE COLD.
I WANT YOU TO COME BACK.
I CAN'T.
DON'T ARGUE.
I'LL SCREW
EVERYTHING UP.
YOU WON'T.
I'LL MAKE SURE OF IT.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU.
I WANT YOU
TO GO NOW.
PLEASE.
AND LEAVE YOU SLEEPING
ON THIS MATTRESS
THAT SOME a**hole
THREW UP ON?
I'M THE ONE WHO
THREW UP ON IT.
MY BREATH STINKS.
I DON'T CARE.
[ Opera ?????? ]
THAT... OPERA...
"LA TRAVIATA".
[ Sniffle ]
YOU NEVER TOLD
ME HOW IT ENDS.
DOES WHAT'S-
HIS-NAME MARRY
THE SLUT?
OF COURSE.
DESPITE THE WISHES
OF HIS CRUEL FATHER.
AND...
THEY LIVE TO
SING MANY...
GLORIOUS DUETS.
WHOA. WHAT ARE...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WELL, COME ON.
IT'S COLD.
PATIENCE, YOUNG
FELLA, PATIENCE.
NOW WHAT?
[ ?????? ]
?? TREATED YOU LIKE
A RUSTY BLADE ??
?? A THROWAWAY FROM... ??
SO LONG, JACK.
YOU SON OF
A b*tch.
[ ?????? ]
?? ...TRIED TO TELL YOU
I NEVER KNEW ??
?? IT COULD BE SO SWEET ??
?? WHO COULD EVER
BE SO CRUEL? ??
?? BLAME THE DEVIL
FOR THE THINGS YOU DO ??
[ ?????? ]
?? IT'S SUCH A SELFISH
WAY TO LOSE ??
?? THE WAY YOU LOSE
THESE WASTED BLUES ??
?? THESE WASTED BLUES ??
?? TELL ME THAT
IT'S NOBODY'S FAULT ??
?? NOBODY'S FAULT
BUT MY OWN ??
?? TELL ME THAT
IT'S NOBODY'S FAULT ??
?? NOBODY'S FAULT
BUT MY OWN ??
?? TELL ME THAT
IT'S NOBODY'S FAULT ??
?? NOBODY'S FAULT
BUT MY OWN ??
CLOSED CAPTIONED
BYCOMPREHENSIVE DISTRIBUTORS
MOO!
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...
ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, FIVE, SIX.
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ ?????? ]
Emcee:
PRESENTING TONIGHT'S
ATLAS AWARDS,
ADAM LYONS.
[ Applause ]
[ ?????? ]
THANK YOU.
AT KENNEDY AND COLLINS
WHERE I WORK IN NEW YORK,
WE HAVE THIS SAYING:
"THE ONLY THING
BETTER THAN GREAT SEX
IS A GREAT AD CAMPAIGN."
SO WHEN I WAS ASKED
TO COME TO PITTSBURGH
TO HELP CHOOSE THE
ADPERSON OF THE YEAR,
WHAT I WAS LOOKING
FOR WAS SOMEONE WHO
COULD GIVE GREAT AD.
SOMEONE WHOSE WORK
WOULD MAKE ME STAND
UP AND TAKE NOTICE.
WELL, AFTER REVIEWING
THIS YEAR'S ENTRIES,
I BELIEVE WE FOUND HIM.
THIS YEAR'S ATLAS AWARD
FOR PITTSBURGH'S ADPERSON
OF THE YEAR GOES TO...
[ Opening of envelope ]
BRIAN KINNEY.
Cynthia:
YES!
GO AND GET
HIM, TIGER.
THE AWARD,
I MEAN.
[ Applause ]
[ ?????? ]
?? AND I WANT TO GO
TO NEW YORK CITY ??
?? 'CAUSE THEY TELL ME
IT'S THE PLACE TO BE... ??
Woman:
YEAH!
CARE TO TEST
THAT SAYING?
?? ...I JUST KNOW THAT
IT'S THE PLACE FOR ME ??
[ ?????? ]
[ Gasps of
pleasure ]
[ ?????? ]
I WAS STANDING THERE
WITH MY d*ck OUT,
WHEN THIS GUY AT THE
URINAL NEXT TO ME
STARTED CRUISING ME.
DID YOU CRUISE
HIM BACK?
NO.
SO YOU DID
NOTHING
TO MAKE HIM
THINK YOU WERE
LOOKING FOR SEX?
I JUST WANTED
TO TAKE A PISS.
SAME THING HAPPENED TO
THIS GUY FROM MY GYM.
HE WAS OUT WALKING
HIS DOG, STARTS
TALKING TO SOME GUY,
WHO INVITES HIM
BACK TO HIS PLACE.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW,
HE'S BUSTED.
THEY CAN REALLY DO THAT?
AH,
THEY CAN DO WHATEVER
THE HELL THEY WANT.
Justin:
f**k THAT.
BETTER FIGHT IT.
Debbie.
HEY!
YOU DON'T PUT ANY
IDEAS IN HIS HEAD.
YOU WANTED ME TO FIGHT
FOR THE GAY-STRAIGHT
ALLIANCE AT SCHOOL.
THIS IS DIFFERENT.
YOU'RE 18 AND
YOU'RE HEALTHY.
WHAT ARE OUR
OTHER OPTIONS?
TO PLEAD GUILTY.
WOULD HE HAVE
TO GO TO JAIL?
NO, NOT FOR A
FIRST OFFENSE.
I MEAN, YOU'D
PAY A FINE.
I'LL TAKE IT.
PAY THE $2.00 AND
BE DONE WITH IT.
AND IT WILL BE ON YOUR
RECORD. PERMANENTLY.
WHAT, YOU MEAN AS
A SEX OFFENDER?
OH, WILL THEY MAKE
HIM REGISTER WITH THE
POLICE AND EVERYTHING?
YEAH, THEY WILL.
JESUS.
Vic:
WELL...
THERE GOES MY SHOT
AT THE SUPREME COURT.
YOU COULD PLEAD
NOT GUILTY.
ONE MORE WORD
OUT OF YOU...
Melanie:
WELL, THAT WOULD
INVOLVE GOING
TO TRIAL.
YOU'D HAVE TO GET UP
IN FRONT OF A JURY,
AND SOME YOUNG,
AGGRESSIVE,
PROSECUTOR
FROM THE D.A.'S
OFFICE WOULD
CROSS-EXAMINE YOU,
THE COP WHO ARRESTED
YOU WOULD BE SITTING
IN THE FRONT ROW...
I CAN'T
DO THAT.
HE CAN'T TAKE
ANY MORE STRESS.
SO YOU HAVE A MISDEMEANOR
ON YOUR RECORD.
WHO'S GOING
TO KNOW?
HE WILL.
SO WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING
IN PITTSBURGH?
WHAT?
YOU'RE TOO GOOD
FOR PITTSBURGH.
YOU SHOULD BE
IN NEW YORK.
YEAH, BUT FOR
WHAT I PAY HERE,
I HAVE A LOFT
THE SIZE OF A
CITY BLOCK.
AND THERE, I'D HAVE
A CLOSET IN QUEENS.
WOULDN'T BELIEVE
THE SALARIES THEY'RE
PAYING IN THE
CITY THESE DAYS.
I'M 27.
I JUST BOUGHT
AN AMAZING
DUPLEX, IN SOHO.
WOW, SO... WE'RE
THE SAME AGE.
YOU KNOW, IN FACT,
THAT THERE'S
AN OPENING
AT MY AGENCY.
AT YOUR LEVEL.
AND YOU'VE
CLEARLY GOT
EXPERIENCE
ANDYOU'RE AN
AWARD WINNER.
HMM.
I'D BE HAPPY TO
PUT IN A GOOD
WORD FOR YOU.
IS THERE ANYTHING
ELSE YOU'D BE...
HAPPY TO DO?
[ Opening of zipper ]
WHAT'RE YOU
DOING SITTING
IN THE DARK?
THINKING.
HOW'S VIC?
OKAY, CONSIDERING
HE JUST GOT
OUT OF JAIL.
I GOT A CALL FROM LORI.
OH YEAH?
SHE AND GARY ARE
GETTING A DIVORCE.
THAT'S TOO BAD.
YOU KNOW, THESE
STRAIGHT COUPLES
CANNOT MAKE THEIR
MARRIAGES WORK.
HANK'S PRETTY UPSET.
WELL, YEAH, I
GUESS HE MUST BE.
SHE SAID HE'S NOT
SPEAKING TO HER,
HE'S DITCHING CLASS,
HIS GRADES STINK,
HE'S EVEN QUIT
THE HOCKEY TEAM.
HE'S NOT DOING
DRUGS, IS HE?
NO, SHE DOESN'T THINK SO.
HE'S JUST f**king ANGRY.
AND IT'S BECAUSE OF ME.
DID HE SAY THAT?
NO, I DID.
THIS'LL MAKE THE SECOND
DAD THAT HE'S LOST.
SO, WHAT'S THE PLAN?
THE PLAN?
WELL...
A REAL TRIP WOULD
ACCOMPLISH A LOT MORE
THAN A GUILT TRIP.
SHOULD I MAKE
A RESERVATION?
I ALREADY DID.
THERE'S A RED-EYE
OUT OF CHICAGO
WITH A CONNECTION
THAT'LL PUT ME
IN PORTLAND FIRST
THING IN THE MORNING.
I FIGURE THE SOONER
I GET THERE...
WELL, WHO SAYS YOU'RE
NOT A GREAT DAD?
DROPPING EVERY-
THING AT A
MOMENT'S NOTICE
TO FLY ACROSS
THE COUNTRY TO
BE WITH YOUR KID?
SO, WHEN'LL
YOU BE BACK?
SOON AS I CAN.
THIS'LL BE THE
FIRST TIME WE'VE
BEEN APART.
YEAH.
IT'S GONNA BE
WEIRD, YOU NOT
BEING HERE.
PROMISE ME
YOU'LL MISS ME?
[ Chuckling ]
A LOT.
AH, IF YOU SEE
ANYTHING IN THERE
FOR AN ACCOUNTANT
THAT INCLUDES
WORLD TRAVEL AND
AN UNLIMITED
EXPENSE ACCOUNT,
LET ME KNOW.
FIRST I HAVE
TO FIND A JOB
FOR MYSELF.
ANY POSSI-
BILITIES?
SURE, BUT
THEY ALL
WANT TRAINING,
EXPERIENCE,
REFERENCES.
WHO'S GOING
TO HIRE A
CRYSTAL FREAK?
FORMER
CRYSTAL FREAK.
[ Scoffing ]
GIVE YOURSELF A
LITTLE CREDIT
FOR ALL THE
POSITIVE STEPS
YOU'VE BEEN
TAKING. OKAY?
THANKS TO YOU.
HELLO, YOUNG LOVERS.
[ Gagging/scoffing ]
THERE'S THE
GUYS, COME ON.
TED SCHMIDT,
HAPPY AT LAST.
IT'S f**king UNBELIEVABLE.
UH, YEAH, WHO
WOULD'VE GUESSED?
YEAH. COULD YOU JUST KEEP
THE PASSION TO A MINIMUM?
I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
OUT OF TOWN AND NO
MEANS FOR RELEASE.
HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN
THE NEW WAITER?
YOWZA!
YOU CALL THAT HOT?
YEAH.
AT YOUR AGE, I
GUESS YOU WOULD.
OH, AT YOUR
AGE YOU WOULDN'T?
I'VE MOVED BEYOND THAT.
[ Scoffing ]
SINCE WHEN?
SINCE LAST NIGHT.
I DID THE HOTTEST GUY...
[ Snorting ]
IN DAYS.
Brian:
HE'S AN AD EXEC
FROM NEW YORK.
HE SAID I'M TOO GOOD
FOR PITTSBURGH AND THAT
I'M WASTING MY TIME HERE.
HE THINKS I
SHOULD BE THERE.
I BET HE SAYS THAT
TO ALL THE BOYS.
HE SAID... THERE'S
A JOB AT HIS AGENCY
THAT I'D BE PERFECT FOR.
I FAXED HIM MY RESUME.
YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS.
YOU DON'T THINK SO?
SO IF YOU GET THIS
JOB, YOU'RE LEAVING?
NOT "IF", "WHEN".
DO YOU THINK HE
REALLY MEANT IT?
HE'S REALLY
GOING TO GO?
WELL... OF
COURSE NOT.
HE'S PROBABLY
JUST BOASTING
'CAUSE SOME...
BIG SHOT FROM
NEW YORK IS
COMPLIMENTING HIM.
AND THE BRIGHT
LIGHTS OF
BROADWAY BECKON.
I DON'T KNOW,
HE SOUNDED
PRETTY SERIOUS.
HE EVEN SENT
HIM HIS RESUME.
YOU KNOW WHERE
THAT'S GOING TO
END UP, DON'T YOU?
ON THE BOTTOM
OF SOME PILE.
MINE ALWAYS DO.
YEAH, PROBABLY A
THOUSAND OTHER GUYS
CLAMOURING FOR
THE VERY SAME JOB.
NO, TRUST ME,
HE'S NEVER
GOING TO HEAR
FROM THEM AGAIN.
[ Ringing of cell phone ]
OH, SHOOT, THERE'S
A CALL. ALL RIGHT,
I'LL TALK TO
YOU GUYS LATER.
OKAY.
BYE.
YEAH?
YOU CALLED?
YEAH, THANKS
FOR RETURNING.
Ted: [ On telephone ]
Listen, Blake is looking
FOR A JOB AND
HE'S INTERESTED IN
BECOMING A PARALEGAL.
AND I THOUGHT POSSIBLY
YOU MIGHT HAVE AN
OPENING AT YOUR FIRM?
GOD, YOU ARE SO IN LUCK.
ONE OF OUR ASSISTANTS
JUST QUIT THIS MORNING.
HE COULD START
RIGHT AWAY.
REALLY?
OF COURSE NOT.
[ Chuckling ]
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
JOBS ARE JUST
FALLING OFF TREES?
ALL RIGHT, NO NEED
TO GET CUNTY. JUST
THOUGHT I'D ASK.
ALTHOUGH... HE IS
A NICE GUY AND HE
DID HELP VIC OUT.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE WE COULD
TAKE HIM ON AS A TEMP
FOR A COUPLE WEEKS,
SEE HOW HE DOES AND
FIND HIM A REFERRAL.
THAT'D BE GREAT.
AND, UH, MEL? YOU'RE
NOT REALLY, YOU KNOW.
I KNOW, YOU ARE.
[ Sighing ]
Boys:
[ Chatter of game ]
[ Opening of door ]
FOR YOU.
A PECAN PIE?
WELL, WHENEVER
MY MOTHER
PAID A VISIT
SHE ALWAYS
BROUGHT ALONG
A PECAN PIE.
OF COURSE,
THIS ONE'S FROM
THE SUPERMARKET.
SHE BAKED
HER OWN.
HER PIES
WERE SO...
AWFUL... YOU KNOW.
NO ONE REALLY
NOTICED THOUGH,
'CAUSE SHE WAS
SUCH A CHATTERBOX.
THAT'S WHAT
EVERYONE CALLED
HER, "CHATTERBOX".
I SUPPOSE I'M
LIKE HER IN
THAT REGARD.
REAL LITTLE
CHATTERBOX.
I NEVER NOTICED.
YEAH, WHENEVER ANY-
THING WAS HAPPENING
IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD,
YOU COULD ALWAYS COUNT
ON ENID TO BE RIGHT
THERE WITH HER PIE.
[ Chuckle ]
SO, UH...
SO, IS ANYTHING
HAPPENING?
YEAH, I'M TAKING
OUT THE GARBAGE.
I MEAN ABOUT
YOUR UPCOMING
COURT APPEARANCE.
I PLAN TO
PLEAD GUILTY.
PLEASE DON'T.
LOOK, IT'S GOT
NOTHING TO
DO WITH YOU.
NO, THAT'S WHERE
YOU'RE WRONG.
IT HAS EVERYTHING
TO DO WITH ME,
WITH ALL OF US.
BECAUSE I-IT
COULD HAPPEN
TO ANY OF US.
WELL, IT DIDN'T
HAPPEN TO ANY
OF YOU. IT
HAPPENED TO ME.
BY NOT FIGHTING,
YOU'RE LETTING
THEM KNOW
THAT THEY CAN
KEEP GETTING
AWAY WITH THIS.
I'M SICK.
YOU'RE ALSO
INNOCENT.
WHO GIVES A s**t?
THE COPS,
THE D.A.?
I WAS HOPING YOU.
OR ME.
I JUST WANT
IT OVER.
SO I CAN BRING
OUT THE TRASH IN
PEACE AND QUIET.
AS A REGISTERED
SEX OFFENDER.
JESUS CHRIST.
DO YOU HAVE TO
BROADCAST IT?
EVERYONE'S GOING
TO KNOW ANYWAY.
FINE. THEN I'LL
JUST HAVE TO
LIVE WITH IT.
THAT'S JUST
WHAT, UH, WHAT
MR. PETTIGREW SAID.
WHO?
MR. PETTIGREW.
A HIGH SCHOOL
TEACHER BACK HOME
IN HAZELHURST.
HE WAS ACCUSED OF
EXPOSING HIMSELF TO
ONE OF HIS STUDENTS.
HE SWORE IT WASN'T
TRUE, THAT THE
KID WAS LYING
'CAUSE HE
FLUNKED HIM.
AND I SUPPOSE YOU'RE
GOING TO TELL ME HE
WAS BEATEN TO DEATH,
OR HUNG HIMSELF
IN HIS JAIL CELL.
[ Scoffing ]
NO, NO.
NO, HE WENT TO LIVE
WITH HIS SPINSTER
SISTER IN MERIDIAN.
WHEN HE DIED A
FEW YEARS LATER,
THEY SAY HE
PUT IN HIS WILL
THAT HE DIDN'T WANT HIS
NAME ON HIS TOMBSTONE...
BECAUSE IT WAS WORTHLESS.
DON'T GO.
YOU CAN'T GO.
WHAT'RE YOU GONNA
DO WITHOUT ME?
[ Chuckle ]
I DON'T KNOW,
I GUESS I'LL
SURVIVE.
I DOUBT IT.
[ Heavy sigh ]
WHAT ABOUT ME?
I'M SURE YOU'LL
GET ALONG JUST
FINE ON YOUR OWN.
NO, I WON'T.
YEAH, YOU WILL.
YOU'RE GOING
TO DO WHAT YOU
SHOULD'VE DONE
A LONG TIME AGO,
YOU'RE GOING TO
MEET SOME TWINKIE
YOUR OWN AGE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK
I WANT WITH SOME KID
WHO DOESN'T KNOW s**t?
I NEED TO TAKE A SHOWER.
GO.
GO TAKE YOUR SHOWER.
GO TO NEW YORK. GO
TO YOUR NEW LIFE.
IN A YEAR, PROBABLY
NOT EVEN THAT LONG...
YOU WON'T EVEN
REMEMBER MY NAME.
OH, WHAT HAPPENED
TO THAT KID
WHO WOULDN'T
LEAVE ME ALONE?
WHO THOUGHT
HE WAS IN
LOVE WITH ME?
IF YOU f**king
THINK OF ME AT ALL.
I WON'T.
I WON'T THINK OF YOU.
A-HA.
WHEN I WALK
OUT THAT DOOR,
I DON'T PLAN ON
EVER LOOKING BACK.
AND I EXPECT YOU
TO DO THE SAME.
[ Sniffling ]
IT'S THE PERFECT
INTERVIEW SUIT.
YOU SURE?
TRUST YOUR BOYFRIEND.
HE'S GOT A GOOD EYE.
THERE, YOU'RE
ALL SET. SO I'LL
GO RING THIS UP.
[ Chuckling ]
[ ?????? ]
?? THE BIRDS IN EVERY TREE ??
?? ALL SING SO MERRILY ??
?? THEY SING
WHEREVER I GO ??
[ ?????? ]
[ Gasp of
surprise ]
[ Chuckling ]
WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
I THOUGHT MAYBE
YOU COULD USE
A LITTLE...
HAND WITH YOUR
PANTS HERE.
UH, WELL, HMM.
I'M A... A
BIG BOY AND...
I'LL HELP
YOU OUT...
I CAN DRESS AND...
UNDRESS MYSELF.
YEAH, BUT ALL
THESE PINS.
I MEAN, YOU
KNOW, YOU MIGHT
GET PRICKED.
HMM.
OW!
SEE?
BE CAREFUL.
CAREFUL.
MMM.
LET'S GO FOR IT.
IN HERE?
[ Chuckling ]
WHAT IF WE
GET CAUGHT?
THAT'S THE
FUN PART.
[ Panting ]
[ Panting ]
[ Sighs of passion ]
YOU DOING OKAY IN THERE?
HUH?
FINE.
GREAT.
THANKS.
HERE, GIVE
HER THESE.
Blake:
D-DONE WITH
THESE.
UH, TAKE ALL THE
TIME YOU NEED, BOYS.
Ted:
OH, WE WILL.
[ Rustling of papers ]
Melanie:
...NOT THE REPORT
I EXPECTED.
I HAVE TO HAVE
MY CLIENT...
TRY AND RELAX.
I JUST WANT TO
GET OUT OF HERE.
OKAY, HERE'S THE
POLICE REPORT.
THE COP'S GOT
LOUSY HANDWRITING
AND HIS SPELLING'S
ATROCIOUS.
SO YOU MIGHT WANT
TO CRACK OUT YOUR
READING GLASSES.
ANOTHER JOY
OF MIDDLE AGE.
THIS ISN'T WHAT HAPPENED.
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
[ Reading ]
"THE SUSPECT UN-
ZIPPED HIS PANTS
AND EXPOSED HIMSELF."
GOD, I WAS PEEING.
"SUSPECT BEGAN
MASTURBATING HIS
HALF-ERECT PENIS."
I NEVER DID.
"SUSPECT SAID,
WHAT ARE YOU INTO?"
I NEVER SAID THAT,
THE COP DID.
OKAY, ARE
YOU SURE?
BECAUSE SOMETIMES
YOU CAN PLAY
AN INCIDENT
OVER IN YOUR
MIND SO MANY TIMES,
THAT YOU FORGET WHAT
REALLY HAPPENED.
I WAS THERE.
I KNOW.
[ Banging of gavel ]
Judge:
IN THE MATTER OF
"THE PEOPLE VERSUS
VICTOR GRASSI",
IS COUNSEL READY
TO ENTER A PLEA?
YES, YOUR HONOUR.
WE PLEAD...
NOT GUILTY.
[ Murmurs of surprise ]
IT'S OKAY.
THANK YOU, GOD.
Vic:
YOU PUT ME ON
THAT STAND,
I'LL TELL THAT
WHOLE COURTROOM
HOW THAT f**king
COP IS LYING.
YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT
YOU WILL.
ONLY IT'LL JUST
BE YOUR WORD
AGAINST HIS.
BUT I'LL SEE
WHAT I CAN
DIG UP.
SOUNDS LIKE
THIS COULD
GET EXPENSIVE.
OH, DON'T... NO,
NO, DON'T WORRY.
I'M TAKING THIS
CASEPRO BONO.
Debbie:
BONO?
LIKE SONNY BONO?
IT MEANS "FOR
FREE", MOTHER.
OH, NOFUCKINGWAY.
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
WE INSIST ON PAYING YOU.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN
PAY, IN BABYSITTING.
AND I'M NOT JUST
TALKING WATCHING
HIM SLEEP.
I'M TALKING CHANGING
HIS HUGGIES, THE WORKS!
OKAY, WE ACCEPT.
[ Chuckle ]
AND... AND...
AND JUSTIN
CAN HELP.
RIGHT, SUNSHINE?
HMM?
SURE.
I'M GLAD YOU DECIDED
TO FIGHT, VIC.
[ Sighing ]
[ Whispering ]
WHAT'S WRONG
WITH HIM?
BRIAN'S MOVING
TO NEW YORK.
IT'S THE END OF THE
WORLD AS HE KNOWS IT.
CAN I COME IN?
IT WAS YOUR
ROOM FIRST.
HE'S NOT MOVING
TO NEW YORK.
HE'S SURE TALKING
LIKE HE IS.
HE FLEW THIS MORNING
FOR AN INTERVIEW.
WELL, THERE'S NO HARM
IN TAKING A MEETING.
BESIDES, I'VE KNOWN
HIM A LOT LONGER
THAN YOU HAVE.
HE MAY b*tch AND MOAN
ABOUT PITTSBURGH BUT...
BUT THERE'S NO WAY
HE'D STOP BEING TOP DOG
TO BE ONE OF THE PACK.
THEN WHY'S HE PUTTING
HIS PLACE UP FOR SALE?
WHAT?
HE CALLED A
REAL ESTATE AGENT.
WE SHOULD
STOP HIM.
[ Snorting ]
YEAH, STOP
BRIAN.
RIGHT. NEXT
WE CAN TAKE
ON STARBUCKS.
WELL, WE
CAN'T JUST LET
HIM LEAVE.
WE DON'T HAVE
A CHOICE.
BESIDES, EVERY-
ONE HAS THE
RIGHT TO DECIDE
HOW THEY WANT TO
LIVE THEIR LIFE.
LOOK AT YOU.
YOU DECIDED TO
LEAVE HOME, AND...
I BET NOTHING
COULD'VE CHANGED
YOUR MIND.
IT'S THE SAME
WITH BRIAN.
I LOVE HIM,
MICHAEL.
I KNOW.
ALL THE MORE
REASON WHY YOU
HAVE TO LET HIM GO.
JUST LIKE THAT?
YEAH, JUST
LIKE THAT.
YOU MUST NOT
CARE VERY MUCH.
[ Chuckle ]
I CARE MORE THAN
YOU WILL EVER KNOW.
[ Ringing of phone ]
HELLO?
David:
HI. DID I WAKE YOU?
MMM, IT'S OKAY.
[ Yawning ]
WHAT TIME IS IT THERE?
UH, I THINK IT'S
AROUND 10:30.
[ Yawning ]
IT'S THREE HOURS
LATER HERE.
MMM. IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
EVERYTHING'S FINE.
HANK WAS REALLY
GLAD TO SEE ME.
Michael: [ On Phone ]
I knew it was a
good idea you went.
HOW YOU DOING?
Mmm.
I'M MISSING YOU.
IT'S LONELY IN THIS BED.
IT'S LONELY HERE TOO.
I was dreaming about
you when you called.
MMM, WHAT WAS I DOING?
I'M NOT TELLING.
Let me guess.
I HAD THE SAME DREAM.
I WAS SUCKING YOUR c**k.
OH YEAH?
And it was...
really... hard.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
OH...
[ Groaning ]
I GUESS I WAS
REALLY HARD TOO.
[ Chuckling ]
That's just
like my dream.
YOU WERE RUBBING YOUR
d*ck UP AGAINST ME,
AND I WAS ASKING YOU
TO PUT IT INSIDE ME.
[ Moaning ]
YOU WANT ME TO PUT
IT INSIDE YOU?
Yeah.
[ Panting ]
HOW MUCH?
A LOT.
GIVE IT TO ME.
[ Exhaling ]
NOW?
OKAY.
PLEASE...
I'M PUTTING IT
INSIDE YOU.
OH, GOD.
OH, YEAH.
I'M f**king YOU.
[ Moaning ]
[ Panting ]
[ Moans of pleasure ]
[ ?????? ]
SO WHEN THE f**k
DID YOU PLAN ON
TELLING ME?
I WOULD SEND YOU A
CHANGE OF ADDRESS.
DON'T BE A SMART-a**.
LOOK, THEY HAVEN'T
EVEN OFFERED ME
THE JOB YET, OKAY?
YOU SAID THEY
WERE KNOCKED OUT
BY YOUR RESUME
AND THE INTERVIEW
WENT GREAT.
YOU WOULDN'T
BELIEVE THEIR
OFFICES,
RIGHT ON
MADISON AVENUE,
WITH THIS KICK-a**
VIEW OF MIDTOWN.
AND THE GUYS AT
THIS AGENCY, THEY'RE
f**king SMART...
AND THEY'RE
TOTALLY HOT.
IT'S LIKE AN
ENTIRELY DIF-
FERENT LEAGUE.
SO YOU'RE JUST
ABANDONING YOUR SON.
DON'T START
IN WITH THE
GUILT s**t, OKAY?
COME HERE,
SONNY BOY.
HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE TO HANG OUT
WITH YOUR POP IN
MANHATTAN, HMM?
GO TO THE GUGGENHEIM
AND THE OPERA.
SEE, YOU'RE GOING
TO THANK ME FOR THIS
WHEN HE GROWS UP TO
BE SOPHISTICATED.
f**k YOU, BRIAN.
I KNOW HOW
TO TAKE MY KID
TO A MUSEUM.
LINDSAY...
IF I STAY HERE...
[ Snorting ]
I'M GOING TO GO
OUT OF MY MIND.
I MEAN, WHO
KNOWS WHAT
I'LL BECOME?
PROBABLY WHO YOU
ARE NOW, ONLY OLDER.
NO.
WHAT IS WRONG
WITH THAT?
IT HAPPENS
TO ALL OF US.
NOT ME.
I WANT TO BECOME
SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
SOMETHING NEW.
YOU SOUND LIKE
ONE OF YOUR
AD CAMPAIGNS.
"NEW! IMPROVED!"
GOING TO NEW YORK
WON'T CHANGE ANYTHING.
SO YOU'LL HAVE
A DIFFERENT LOFT,
WORK FOR A
DIFFERENT FIRM,
GO TO DIFFERENT
BARS AND CLUBS.
BUT DIFFERENT DOESN'T
MAKE IT BETTER.
WHEN ARE YOU GOING
TO FIGURE OUT THAT
JUSTIN REALLY LOVES YOU,
EVEN IF HE
IS YOUNG?
AT YOUR AGE, THAT'S
PROBABLY NOT SUCH
A BAD THING.
AND MICHAEL WOULD GIVE
UP HIS LIFE FOR YOU.
AND I LOVE YOU TOO.
YOU THINK YOU'LL
FIND THAT ON
MADISON AVENUE?
DON'T BE NERVOUS.
I'M NOT.
[ Sighing ]
I AM.
[ Clearing
of throat ]
HEY, RIGHT
ON TIME.
IT'S MY GERMANIC
PREDISPOSITION
TO BE PUNCTUAL.
OOH, NICE SUIT.
TED PICKED IT OUT.
AND THE SHIRT,
AND THE TIE.
WELL, IT'S ALSO
PART OF MY GERMANIC
PREDISPOSITION
TO BE OVERBEARING
AND CONTROLLING.
BUT IT'S IMPORTANT
TO MAKE A GOOD
FIRST IMPRESSION.
I WILL.
OH, AND IF
THEY ASK YOU
WHY YOU LEFT
YOUR LAST JOB,
JUST SAY IT WASN'T
CHALLENGING ENOUGH.
I'VE ALREADY
GOT AN ANSWER
REHEARSED.
OH, A-AND FOR
GOD'S SAKE,
DON'T SAY
THAT YOU'RE A
"PEOPLE PERSON".
I HATE THAT
EXPRESSION.
Blake:
I WOULD NEVER
SAY THAT. NOW
WOULD YOU GUYS
STOP WORRYING
AND JUST LET ME
GO IN THERE AND...
IMPRESS THE
PANTS OFF THEM.
[ Sighing ]
WELL, IF ANY-
BODY CAN DO
THAT, YOU CAN.
[ Chuckling ]
MELANIE SAYS
IT'LL BE MY
WORD AGAINST HIS.
SO WHY SHOULD
THE JURY
LISTEN TO ME?
BECAUSE YOU'RE
TELLING THE TRUTH.
CHRIST, VIC, STOP
ACTING SO GUILTY.
MAYBE I AM...
A LITTLE.
I WANTED TO
GO WITH HIM.
SINCE WHEN IS
THAT A CRIME?
WHEN IT'S
A COP.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I
WAS FOOLISH ENOUGH,
AT MY AGE AND WITH
WHAT I'VE GOT...
TO THINK SOMEONE
COULD FIND ME
DESIRABLE?
TALK ABOUT
PATHETIC.
YOU ARE NOT PATHETIC.
AND I WILL NOT
HEAR YOU TALK ABOUT
YOURSELF THAT WAY.
THEN DON'T LISTEN.
WHEN I LOOK IN
THE MIRROR...
I SEE SOMEONE I
BARELY RECOGNIZE.
I STILL IMAGINE
I'M LIKE BRIAN,
ABLE TO WALK
IN ANY BAR
AND HAVE
ALMOST ANYBODY
THAT I WANT.
AND I HAD
PLENTY TOO.
BUT NOW...
INSTEAD I SEE
THIS... TIRED,
SOMEWHAT FADED...
OLDER MAN...
WHO MEASURES HIS LIFE
FROM A PILL BOTTLE...
AND WHO NOBODY WANTS.
DO YOU KNOW, I
CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER
THE LAST TIME SOME-
ONE LOOKED AT ME.
OR TOUCHED ME.
IT WAS PROBABLY
THAT FILIPINO NURSE
WHO GAVE ME THAT
BARIUM ENEMA.
THAT WAS A TREAT.
SO WHEN THIS HAND-
SOME YOUNG MAN
EXPRESSED INTEREST...
I WANTED TO DROP TO
MY KNEES RIGHT THERE.
THAT'S THE
WORST PART.
WORSE THAN BEING
ARRESTED...
OR BEING PUT IN JAIL...
OR HAVING TO
GO TO COURT.
IT'S THAT...
I BELIEVED HIM.
[ ?????? ]
THE THINGS MY
TONGUE COULD DO
TO HIS NIPPLES.
THAT IS IF
I WAS SINGLE.
[ Chuckling ]
RIGHT THERE
WITH YOU,
ONLY I'D GO
FOR HIS ABS.
Emmett:
I'D LIKE TO
THANK YOU BOYS
FOR LEAVING ME
THE MOST TENDER,
DELECTABLE MORSEL.
AND NOW THAT
BRIAN'S FINALLY
OUT OF THE PICTURE,
I MIGHT ACTUALLY
STAND A CHANCE.
YOU DON'T SOUND
LIKE YOU'RE
GONNA MISS HIM.
MMM.
I'M CERTAINLY NOT
GOING TO MISS BEING
TOLD, "BE GONE"
EVERY TIME SOME
HUNK APPEARS.
AND I WON'T MISS
HIS LITTLEBONS MOTS
ABOUT MY AGE.
ALTHOUGH I DID
THINK HIS RE-
FERRING TO YOU
AS "DEAD MAN WALKING"
WAS KIND OF AMUSING.
Michael:
[ Laughing ]
I SAID "KIND OF".
OR KNOWING THAT
YOU'RE ALWAYS GOING
TO BE HIS PLAN B.
OR SOMETIMES C.
WELL, I WON'T MISS
SPENDING 300 BUCKS
ON A SHIRT FROM THE
CALVIN KLEIN COLLECTION
ONLY TO HAVE EVERYBODY
STARE AT BRIAN'S BARE CHEST.
OR FORCED TO WAIT
OUTSIDE A SEX CLUB
IN FEBRUARY
'CAUSE HE NEEDS
A RIDE HOME.
YEAH, I ALSO WON'T MISS
HOW HE NEVER TAKES s**t...
FROM ANYONE.
OR HOW HE TELLS YOU THE
TRUTH ABOUT YOURSELF,
EVEN IF IT IS
A TAD HARSH.
BUT YOU SHOULD PROBABLY
HEAR IT ANYWAY.
OR HOW HE REFUSES
TO LET YOU COAST
THROUGH YOUR LIFE.
NO, I'M NOT GOING TO
MISS THAT ONE AT ALL.
[ ?????? ]
THIS IS DISGUSTING!
REALLY SICK.
WHAT, ARE YOU LOOKING
AT THOSE HETERO
PORN SITES AGAIN?
I TOLD YOU, THEY'RE GONNA
WARP YOUR YOUNG MIND.
IT'S NOT PORN.
IT'S APARTMENT
RENTALS IN NEW YORK.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
WHAT THEY'RE CHARGING
FOR THIS s**t HOLE.
HUH. YOU KNOW WITH
WHAT THEY'RE GOING
TO BE PAYING ME,
I CAN AFFORD
THREE TIMES THAT?
YOU MEAN THIS IS CHEAP?
YUP.
[ Ringing of cell phone ]
NEW YORK'S UNREAL.
[ Beep of connection ]
YEAH?
UH, BRIAN, IT'S, UH,
ADAM LYONS CALLING FROM,
UH, KENNEDY AND COLLINS
in New York.
OH, HEY.
SO I'VE BEEN WAITING
TO HEAR FROM YOU.
WHAT'S THE DEAL?
Uh, the deal is...
THERE IS NO DEAL.
THEY DECIDED TO
PROMOTE FROM WITHIN.
Some 25-year-
old hotshot.
LOOK... I'M
REALLY SORRY.
UH...
DON'T WORRY, TO TELL
YOU THE TRUTH, AFTER
WEIGHING MY OPTIONS...
I'VE DECIDED TO GO
WITH... SOMEONE ELSE.
WELL THEN I DON'T
FEEL SO BAD.
SO, HEY, GIVE ME A
CALL THE NEXT TIME
YOU'RE IN THE CITY.
I'D LOVE TO HOOK UP AGAIN.
YEAH... SURE.
[ Whistling ]
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME
YOU WERE COMING
HOME TONIGHT.
LAST-MINUTE THING.
[ Chuckling ]
MMM, YOUR
FACE IS COLD.
SO, HOW'D IT GO?
WELL, I CON-
VINCED HANK
NOT TO QUIT
THE HOCKEY TEAM.
THAT'S A START.
AND HE'S AGREED
TO TALK TO
A THERAPIST.
WELL, SEE? I KNEW
YOU COULD HELP HIM.
BUT MOSTLY WE
JUST SAT AROUND,
ATE PIZZA AND
WATCHED ESPN.
SEE, THAT'S THE
IMPORTANT THING,
YOU KNOW.
NOT WHAT YOU
SAY OR DO, BUT
JUST BEING THERE.
THAT'S WHY I
GOTTA GO BACK.
WELL, YOU
SHOULD. WE...
MAYBE THIS
SUMMER WE COULD
TAKE A TRIP...
NO, I WAS
THINKING SOONER.
HOW MUCH SOONER?
RIGHT AWAY.
WELL, FOR
HOW LONG?
WELL, I'M
NOT SURE.
ALL I KNOW IS
THAT HE NEEDS ME
AND IT'S IMPORTANT
THAT I'M THERE.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT
YOUR PRACTICE,
AND YOUR FRIENDS,
AND THE HOUSE
AND...?
I WAS THINKING
ABOUT THAT ON
THE FLIGHT HOME.
I COULD LEASE
THE HOUSE FOR
A YEAR.
ONE OF MY
COLLEAGUES
COULD TAKE OVER
MY PRACTICE
LORI'S GOT
SOME FRIENDS
WHO ARE DOCTORS
THEY COULD
PROVIDE ME
WITH REFERRALS.
SO YOU'VE PRACTI-
CALLY GOT THIS
ALL FIGURED OUT.
WELL, THERE IS ONE
THING THAT I DON'T
KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH.
OH, UM, WELL DON'T
WORRY ABOUT ME.
I-I UNDERSTAND.
HANK COMES FIRST.
OH, IT'S NOT A
RACE, MICHAEL.
THERE'S NO "FIRST".
Y-YOU'RE AS
IMPORTANT TO
ME AS HE IS.
WHAT I WAS
HOPING...
IS THAT YOU WOULD
COME WITH ME.
Melanie:
THIS COP HAS
LIED BEFORE
IN AT LEAST FOUR
SEPARATE CASES.
YOU HAVE PROOF
OF THIS?
I LOOKED UP HIS RECORDS
WHEN HE WAS WITH THE
PHILADELPHIA P.D.
IN EACH INSTANCE HE
EXAGGERATED, MISCONSTRUED
OR COMPLETELY
LIED IN HIS
ARREST REPORTS
RESULTING IN THE JUDGE
DECLARING A MISTRIAL.
SHE'S GOOD.
SHE'S GREAT.
COMPARED TO HER
I FEEL SO IGNORANT,
SO USELESS.
YOU ARE.
ON THE OTHER HAND,
UH, SHE DOESN'T
HAVE YOUR HEIGHT
OR YOUR ABILITY
TO WEAR CHARTREUSE
IN THE DAYTIME.
SO IT ALL
EVENS OUT.
SHH!
Lawyer:
THIS IS VERY
COMPELLING,
BUT WHY WOULD
HE DO THIS?
SEEMS HE HAS A LITTLE
PROBLEM WITH GAY PEOPLE.
LOOK, WE CAN SAVE
THE COURT A LOT OF
TIME AND MONEY.
MY CLIENT'S INNOCENT.
HE WAS ENTRAPPED
BY THIS OFFICER,
JUST LIKE THESE
OTHER MEN.
IS THIS TRUE?
I MAY HAVE DONE
A LOT OF THINGS
IN MY LIFE, SIR...
BUT I NEVER EXPOSED
MYSELF OR ENTICED
THAT OFFICER.
AND EVEN THOUGH
I MAY NOT HAVE
MUCH LEFT,
MY HEALTH,
MY YOUTH,
MY FRIENDS,
I STILL HAVE MY NAME.
AND I WILL FIGHT...
TO DEFEND IT.
Film actor:
YOU'RE A VERY SPECIAL
LADY, YOU KNOW THAT?
Actress:
I MISS YOU ALREADY.
Actor:
YOU JUST LISTEN
TO THE DRUM.
THE SOUND OF MY HEART...
YOU KNOW WHAT
WE NEED?
A SUPER HUMONGOUS,
WOOLLY-MAMMOTH SIZE
VAT OF BUTTERED
POPCORN.
[ Giggling ]
ONE HIT AND
YOU'RE HIGH.
[ Suppressed
giggling ]
THAT'S PITIFUL.
I AM NOT HIGH.
[ Snorting ]
OKAY, MAYBE I AM.
THAT, UM, MEAN
OLD USHER,
WHO USED TO TELL
US TO GET OUR FEET
OFF THE SEATS,
STILL
WORKING HERE?
ARE YOU KIDDING?
PROBABLY A f**king
MAGGOT FEAST BY NOW.
MAN, WHEN I
THINK OF ALL THE
SATURDAY AFTERNOONS
WE SPENT HERE...
YEAH, I USED
TO BUY A TICKET
AND LET YOU IN
THAT FIRE EXIT.
NEVER GOT CAUGHT.
THIS IS WHERE WE SAW
"INDIANA JONES AND
THE TEMPLE OF DOOM".
AND, UH, AND
"GHOSTBUSTERS".
AND, UH...
"THE FLY".
"THE FLY".
I CAN'T BELIEVE
THEY'RE GONNA
TEAR IT DOWN.
ALL THOSE CHEESY
CINEPLEXES.
YEAH, THEY DON'T
HAVE ANY BALCONIES
TO GET STONED IN.
[ Sniffling ]
WHEN THIS
PLACE IS GONE,
A PART OF US'LL
BE GONE TOO.
YOU GET EXTREMELY
MAUDLIN WHEN
YOU'RE HIGH.
WELL, THIS'LL
PROBABLY BE...
THE LAST TIME YOU
AND I ARE EVER
HERE TOGETHER.
I MEAN, Y-YOU'LL
BE IN NEW YORK.
AND YOU'LL BE
IN PORTLAND.
OPPOSITE
f**king ENDS OF
THE UNIVERSE.
I DIDN'T
SAY I'D GO.
WELL, YOU SHOULD.
I'M NOT LIKE YOU.
I CAN'T JUST WAKE
UP ONE MORNING
AND DECIDE, BOOM,
YOU KNOW, IT'S
TIME TO MOVE ON.
NO LOOKING BACK,
NO REGRETS.
THERE'S NOTHING
FOR YOU HERE.
IT'S MY HOME.
AND EVEN THOUGH
IT'S NOT PARIS
OR NEW YORK...
NO s**t.
I'VE LIVED HERE MY
ENTIRE LIFE AND...
IT'S ALL I KNOW.
WELL, MAYBE IT'S
TIME TO KNOW SOME-
THING ELSE, MICHAEL.
YOU'RE NOT
15 ANY MORE.
I KNOW.
GO WITH DAVID.
GET THE HELL
OUT OF HERE.
[ Opening of door ]
HEY.
TELL ME
EVERYTHING.
IT WAS GREAT.
THEY'RE REALLY NICE.
AW-W.
AND MELANIE TOOK
ME OUT FOR LUNCH.
[ Groaning ]
SO, WHAT ABOUT,
UH, THE GUYS?
ANY CUTE ONES?
ONE.
BUT DON'T WORRY,
HE WAS MARRIED.
OKAY, I'M...
I'M NOT JEALOUS.
I'M JUST...
NO.
YOU KNOW, I'M
REQUIRED TO ASK
THAT QUESTION
MM-HMM.
BY THE "BOYFRIENDS
IN THE WORKPLACE
ACT" OF, UH, 1991.
AND... THEY'VE ALREADY
PUT ME TO WORK
ON THIS REALLY
INTERESTING CASE.
[ Deep sigh ]
I AM SO
PROUD OF YOU.
[ Chuckling ]
I'M KIND OF
PROUD OF MYSELF.
SO...
WE WILL STAY
ONLY A FEW MINUTES
AT THE
DINNER, HMM?
AND THEN WE SHALL
COME BACK...
AND CONSUMMATE
YOUR RETURN
TO WHITE-COLLAR
RESPECTABILITY.
WHO SAYS WE HAVE
TO WAIT TILL LATER?
WHY DON'T WE
TAKE A SHOWER?
[ Gasping ]
TOGETHER?
I HAVE NEVER...
[ Chuckling ]
[ Opera ?????? ]
[ Growling ]
YOU KNOW, YOU
OUGHT TO HAVE A
LITTLE MORE RESPECT
FOR YOUR CLOTHES,
YOUNG MAN.
YOU NEED TO HANG THESE
THINGS UP BEFORE THEY
WRINKLE ALL OVER THE PLACE
AND I'VE GOT TO SEND
THEM OUT TO CLEANING...
Blake:
ARE YOU
COMING?
I SAID
ARE YOU
COMING?
YEAH.
[ Cheering/Clapping ]
UNCLE VIC.
UNCLE VIC.
LONG LIVE THE QUEEN!
MELANIE'S THE ONE YOU
SHOULD BE CONGRATULATING.
OH, STOP.
SHE GOT MY
CASE THROWN OUT.
BUT YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO WAS SO BRAVE.
Emmett:
YOU WERE AN
INSPIRATION,
THE WAY YOU STOOD
UP FOR YOURSELF.
WELL, AFTER THAT TERRIBLE
STORY YOU TOLD ME
ABOUT THAT POOR MAN,
WHO WAS BURIED IN
AN UNMARKED GRAVE.
Debbie:
WHAT DID YOU
TELL HIM?
ONE OF YOUR
SOUTHERN GOTHIC
HORROR STORIES?
MMM.
YOU MEAN IT
WASN'T TRUE?
ALL OF MY
STORIES
ARE TRUE.
OH, JESUS.
AND IF THEY'RE NOT,
THEY... SHOULD BE.
All:
[ Laughing ]
Melanie:
HE IS SO
FUNNY.
Lindsay:
I LOVE HIM.
NOW REMEMBER
WHAT WE SAID.
WE'LL JUST STAY HERE
FOR A FEW MINUTES,
THEN WE'LL GO HOME.
OKAY.
GOTTA GO.
CIAO.
BYE, GUYS,
TAKE CARE.
BYE.
SEE YOU GUYS.
[ Mixed chatter ]
Ted:
NIGHT, EM, I'LL
TALK TO YOU TOMORROW.
DEB, THANKS.
[ ?????? ]
BYE. CONGRATS.
[ Mixed chatter ]
Ted:
MEL, I'LL CALL
YOU TOMORROW
ABOUT THAT THING?
[ Mixed chatter ]
[ ?????? ]
NIGHT, MIKEY.
[ ?????? ]
WILL THEY WANT
YOU TO START
RIGHT AWAY?
THOSE GUYS ON
MADISON AVENUE
MOVE FAST.
Justin:
SO DO THE ONES
IN CHELSEA.
Melanie:
THERE'LL BE PLENTY
OF HEARTS TO BREAK
IN THE BIG CITY.
WELL, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO BREAK
THEM ALL AT ONCE.
AND CALL EVERY
ONCE IN A WHILE.
LIKE THAT'LL
HAPPEN.
DON'T MAKE US ALWAYS
HAVE TO CALL YOU.
WHY DON'T YOU ALL
JUST SHUT THE f**k UP?
I NEED A CIGARETTE.
THANKS.
YOU'RE A
LUCKY GUY.
I AM?
EVERYTHING
YOU'VE GOT.
ALL YOUR FRIENDS
AND YOUR FAMILY.
YEAH, I KNOW.
IF YOU DECIDE
TO GO WITH ME,
YOU KNOW YOU'D
BE LEAVING A
LOT BEHIND.
IT'S A... IT'S
A HUGE DECISION.
David:
WELL, TAKE
YOUR TIME,
THINK ABOUT IT.
BUT IF YOU DECIDE
NOT TO GO...
I'LL BE
VERY UPSET.
BUT I'LL
UNDERSTAND.
I'VE DECIDED.
I WANT TO GO.
YOU'RE SURE?
[ Quavering ]
NO.
[ ?????? ]
?? SO MANY CHANCES TO SEE ??
?? WHAT YOU HAVE
AND WHAT YOU ARE NOT ??
?? YOU GO TO THE WATER ??
CLOSED CAPTIONED
BYCOMPREHENSIVE DISTRIBUTORS
?? SEE WHAT IT GIVES YOU ??
?? WELL ARE YOU
SO HARD TO PLEASE? ??
[ ?????? ]
MOO!