BY THE WAY, THAT'S ME,
6'1", 46-INCH CHEST,
16-INCH BICEPS,
28-INCH WAIST.
A VERITABLE GOD...
I WISH.
OKAY, THAT'S ME.
MICHAEL NOVOTNY,
THE SEMI-CUTE "BOY
NEXT DOOR" TYPE.
29, 5'10", 140,
9-1/2 CUT; ALL RIGHT,
SO I EXAGGERATE,
BUT LIKE, WHO'S TOLD
THE TRUTH SINCE THEY
INVENTED CYBERSEX?
[ ?????? ]
WHEN DID '70s NIGHT
BECOME '80s NIGHT?
I REMEMBER
THIS SONG FROM
HIGH SCHOOL.
TALK ABOUT
FEELING ANCIENT.
SPEAK FOR YOUR-
SELF, HONEY, I
WAS A MERE CHILD.
Michael: [ Narrating ]
THOSE ARE
MY TWO BUDDIES,
TED AND EMMETT.
GIVE ME THOSE
DIVAS OF DISCO ANY
DAY. GLORIA GAYNOR.
DONNA SUMMER.
AND MISS ALISHA BRIDGES.
?? I LOVE THE NIGHT LIFE ??
OH!
All:
?? I LIKE TO BOOGIE ??
?? ON THE DISCO FLOOR ??
?? AH-H-H-H ??
O-OH...
MY GOD.
HAVE YOU EVER
SEEN ANYTHING
MORE BEAUTIFUL?
VENICE,
AT SUNSET.
FINE, YOU
GO DOWN THE
GRAND CANAL,
I'LL GO
DOWN ON HIM.
O-OH-H-H!
Michael: [ Narrating ]
EMMETT CAN BE
A LITTLE CAMPY.
OKAY, A LOT CAMPY.
BUT YOU GOT TO ADMIT,
IT TAKES REAL GUTS
TO BE A QUEEN IN A WORLD
FULL OF COMMONERS.
THE PROBLEM
WITH PERFECTION
IS ITS INABILITY
TO RECOGNIZE
ANYTHING LESS
PERFECT THAN ITSELF.
IN OTHER WORDS,
YOU HIT ON HIM
AND HE TURNED
YOU DOWN.
YEAH.
Michael: [ Narrating ]
TED'S THIS REALLY
SMART GUY AND HE'S
GOT A REALLY BIG HEART.
ONLY, NOBODY HERE
IS INTERESTED IN THE
SIZE OF THAT ORGAN.
WHY AM I WASTING MY TIME
STARING AT A BUNCH OF
OVER-PUMPED PRINCESSES
WITH IQs SMALLER
THAN THEIR WAIST...
JESUS, LOOK
AT HIM.
Michael: [ Narrating ]
LIKE I SAID, IT'S
ALL ABOUT SEX.
EXCEPT WHEN
YOU'RE HAVING IT.
AND THEN IT'S ALL
ABOUT, "WILL HE STAY?"
"WILL HE GO?"
"HOW AM I DOING?"
"WHAT AM I DOING?"
UNLESS, OF
COURSE, YOU'RE...
BRIAN KINNEY.
AND THEN IT'S, "WHO GIVES
A f**k WHAT YOU THINK?
YOU'RE LUCKY
TO HAVE ME."
[ ?????? ]
I'LL GET BRIAN.
[ ?????? ]
Two men:
[ Moans of
passion ]
HEY, TODD,
HOW'S IT GOING?
FINE.
[ ?????? ]
WE NEED TO GO.
WE WANT
TO EAT.
I'M JUST GOING
TO GIVE HIM
MY NUMBER.
WHAT'D YOU DO, WRITE
IT ON YOUR d*ck?
HOW LONG IS THIS
GOING TO TAKE?
10 MINUTES, TOPS.
[ Sigh ]
[ Mixed chatter/
laughter ]
HMM, BRUNO.
LO-OVE YOUR OUTFIT.
NOT EVERYONE CAN
WEAR TANGERINE.
HOW LONG ARE WE
GOING TO WAIT?
I'VE GOT TO WORK
IN THE MORNING.
WHO DOESN'T?
HE SAID HE'D
BE RIGHT OUT.
YEAH, WE'VE ALL
HEARD THAT BEFORE.
THIS IS SOME GREAT
SYSTEM HE'S GOT.
HE GETS TO
PARTY ALL NIGHT
AND YOU DRIVE
HIM HOME.
IT'S NO BIG
DEAL, OKAY?
HMM. DON'T LOOK
NOW BUT, UH,
SOMEBODY'S
WATCHING.
OH, HIM. HE HAS
BEEN CRUISING
ME ALL NIGHT.
HMM, PLAYING
HARD TO GET.
I LOVE THAT
IN A MAN.
NOT PLAYING, JUST
NOT INTERESTED.
CHECK OUT THAT
BUBBLE BUTT.
AND THAT BASKET.
ENOUGH IN THERE FOR
THE BIG, BAD WOLF.
WOULD YOU
QUIT STARING?
THERE'S MORE
TO A GUY THAN
HIS c**k SIZE.
HMM.
Man:
LOOK AT THAT!
OR HIS PERFECTLY
SHAPED a**.
WHICH IS WHY
YOU READ ALL
THOSE COMIC BOOKS
WITH THOSE SUPER-
HEROES IN THEIR
LITTLE TIGHTS...
FOR THE PLOT.
I TOLD YOU,
I AM NOT INTERESTED.
MAYBE JUST FOR ONCE
YOU SHOULD BE.
SHOW A CERTAIN
SOMEONE
HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE
WHO CAN SCORE.
[ ?????? ]
?? I'VE GOT A DEEPER LOVE
DEEPER LOVE ??
?? I'VE GOT A DEEPER LOVE
DEEP DEEPER LOVE ??
?? I'VE GOT A DEEPER LOVE
DEEP DEEPER LOVE ??
?? I'VE GOT A DEEPER LOVE
DEEP DEEPER LOVE ??
[ ?????? ]
'SCUSE ME.
UH, COULD YOU
TELL ME, LIKE,
WHERE'S A GOOD
PLACE TO GO?
DEPENDS
WHAT YOU'RE
LOOKING FOR.
YOU WANT
TWINKIES,
GO TO BOYTOY.
YOU WANT LEATHER,
GO TO THE MEATHOOK.
IF YOU WANT SNOTTY,
CONCEITED a**holeS
WHO THINK THEY'RE
BETTER THAN EVERYBODY
ELSE, TRY PISTOL.
IT'S KIND OF
LATE TO BE OUT,
THOUGH, ISN'T IT?
ESPECIALLY ON
A SCHOOL NIGHT.
WHY DON'T YOU
COME HOME WITH
ME, HMM?
NO THANKS.
HUH!
GO ON HOME
TO YOUR MOMMY.
GO ON.
[ Mixed chatter ]
THAT WAS QUICK.
WELL, WHEN YOU'VE
HAD AS MUCH PRAC-
TICE AS HE'S HAD...
I GOT BORED.
I KNOW. GETTING
YOUR d*ck SUCKED
CAN BESOTEDIOUS.
WELL, HE LOOKED
PRETTY HOT TO ME.
Brian:
ANYBODY WOULD
LOOK HOT TO YOU.
[ ?????? ]
Michael: [ Narrating ]
AND THAT'S WHEN IT HAPPENED.
WHENHECAME ALONG.
[ ?????? ]
HOW'S IT GOING?
HAD A
BUSY NIGHT?
JUST, UH, CHECK-
ING OUT THE
BARS, YOU KNOW?
BOYTOY,
MEATHOOK.
THE MEATHOOK.
REALLY?
SO YOU'RE
INTO LEATHER?
SURE.
WHERE
YOU HEADED?
NO PLACE SPECIAL.
I CAN CHANGE THAT.
HEY!
HEY! WHAT
ABOUT US?
YOU CAN RIDE
WITH TED.
THANKS A LOT.
a**hole!
WELL, IF IT ISN'T
MISS RIDING HOOD
AND HER BIG BASKET.
Michael:
FIND SOMEONE ELSE
TO STALK, I'M
NOT INTERESTED.
GO HOME.
COMING IN?
HUH?
OH, YEAH.
SHUT THE DOOR.
THIS IS A...
REALLY NICE PLACE.
I LIKE YOUR KITCHEN.
DO YOU LIKE SPECIAL K?
IT'S OKAY.
I LIKE CHEERIOS BETTER.
I DON'T MEAN THE KIND
YOU EAT WITH BANANAS.
MY DISCO-PHARMACOLOGIST
COOKS THIS UP FOR ME.
I'M REALLY ALLERGIC
TO A LOT OF DRUGS.
THE DOCTOR
GAVE ME
PENICILLIN ONCE,
NEARLY KILLED ME.
AND...
TYLENOL.
TYLENOL?
NO ONE'S ALLERGIC TO
TYLENOL. TYLENOL'S
WHAT THEY GIVE YOU
WHEN YOU'RE ALLERGIC
TO EVERYTHING ELSE.
OH.
WELL, UH, CODEINE.
CODEINE'S THE WORST.
LIKE,
I GET DIARRHEA
AND START VOMITING
UNCONTROLLABLY
AT THE SAME TIME.
WELL, WE'LL MAKE SURE
AND KEEP THAT ONE
ON THE TOP SHELF.
OUT OF REACH.
SO, ARE YOU
COMING OR GOING?
?? BOY ??
OR COMING AND THEN GOING?
OR COMING
AND STAYING?
?? BOY ??
[ ?????? ]
?? MAN ??
?? MAN ??
?? BOY ??
?? BOY ??
?? MAN ??
?? MAN ??
?? TOY ??
?? BOY ??
?? MAN ??
?? MAN ??
?? BOY ??
?? BOY ??
?? MAN ??
?? MAN ??
?? TOY ??
?? BOY ??
?? TURN AROUND ??
?
?? STAND UP LIKE A MAN
AND LOOK ME IN THE EYE ?
?? TURN AROUND ??
?? TAKE ONE FINAL LOOK AT
WHAT YOU'VE LEFT BEHIND ??
[ Gasp ]
?? THEN WALK AWAY ??
?? FROM THE GREATEST LOVER
YOU HAVE EVER KNOWN ??
?? YES WALK AWAY ??
?? YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT
YOU CAN MAKE IT ON YOUR OWN ??
?? BY YOURSELF ALL ALONE
WITHOUT MY HELP ??
?? MISTER, YOU JUST
MADE A BIG MISTAKE ??
?? YOU THINK YOU'RE A MAN
BUT YOU'RE ONLY A BOY ??
?? YOU THINK YOU'RE A MAN,
YOU ARE ONLY A TOY ??
?? YOU THINK YOU'RE A MAN
BUT YOU JUST COULDN'T SEE... ??
THANK YOU
FOR THE LIFT.
SEE YA. BYE.
Emmett:
OH MY GOD,
LOOK.
HE MUST HAVE
FOLLOWED US.
CHRIST, THAT'S
JUST WHAT I NEED.
Emmett:
HONEY, IT'S WHAT
WE ALL NEED.
HEY! WHEN WAS
THE LAST TIME
YOU GOT LAID?
MY POINT EXACTLY.
IF YOU CAN'T
REMEMBER, THEN
IT'S TIME.
NOW, WHERE ARE
YOUR MANNERS?
GO, UH, GO INVITE
THE GENTLEMAN IN
WHILE I MAKE
SURE NONE OF MY
FINE WASHABLES
ARE HANGING
IN THE TUB.
[ Breathing Heavily ]
[ Moaning ]
DON'T COME YET.
HAH, I'LL TRY.
[ Panting ]
STOP.
[ Sighing ]
SO, WHAT DO
YOU LIKE TO DO?
DO?
I DON'T KNOW.
WATCH TV,
PLAY TOMB RAIDER.
[ Chuckling ]
I MEAN IN BED.
OH.
THIS IS FINE.
ARE YOU A TOP
OR A BOTTOM?
TOP...
AND BOTTOM.
OH, YOU'RE
VERSATILE, THEN.
AND AMBIDEXTROUS...
WHICH WAS REALLY
CONFUSING AT FIRST
'CAUSE I COULD NEVER
FIGURE OUT WHICH
HAND TO THROW WITH.
DO YOU LIKE TO RIM?
SURE. I LOVE IT.
GREAT.
GO TO IT.
WELL?
UM, WHAT EXACTLY
DO YOU MEAN?
[ Ringing of telephone ]
YEAH?
WHAT?
[ Gasping ]
WHEN?
ARE YOU
KIDDING ME?
NO, OF COURSE
YOU'RE NOT
KIDDING ME. WHEN
DID IT HAPPEN?
WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?
WELL, OF COURSE
I WAS OUT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
[ Gasp of climax ]
s**t!
JESUS CHRIST!
I TOLD YOU
NOT TO.
I TRIED.
I'M SORRY.
ALL OVER MY NEW DUVET.
I TRIED.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
IT'LL WASH OUT,
WON'T IT?
I MEAN, YOU
SHOULD SEE MY
SHEETS AT HOME.
JUST SOME KID.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN?
JUSTIN.
JUSTIN.
I'LL BE
RIGHT THERE.
OOH, DON'T
MIND ME.
JUST, UH,
CAN'T SLEEP
WITHOUT MY MILK
AND OREOS.
THAT'S MY FRIEND EMMETT.
HE'S STAYING WITH ME
TEMPORARILY
SINCE THE HOOKER
WHO LIVED DOWN
THE HALL FROM HIM
BURNED HIS APART-
MENT BUILDING
DOWN TWO YEARS AGO.
TWO YEARS IS
A LONG TIME TO
BE TEMPORARY.
AND YET IT
HASN'T INTERFERED
WITH MY LOVE LIFE.
WHICH, I SUPPOSE,
SAYS A LOT ABOUT
MY LOVE LIFE.
DO YOU MIND IF
WE SKIP THE BACK
STORY AND CUT
TO THE CHASE?
IT'S ALMOST 2:00
IN THE MORNING.
YOU HAVE A
GREAT a**.
OH YEAH?
SO DO YOU,
IT'S REALLY...
FIRM.
IT'S CALLED
"THE BUTT".
I GOT IT IN
A CATALOGUE.
[ Ringing of telephone ]
PARTS DEPARTMENT.
MELANIE CALLED.
IT'S HAPPENED.
WHAT? OH MY GOD! WHEN?
Brian: [ On telephone ]
I don't know, I had my
damn cell phone off.
I'M PICKING YOU
UP IN TWO MINUTES.
NOW? I...
KIND OF GOT
MY HANDS FULL.
"THE BULGE".
YOU ORDER BOTH,
YOU GET A DISCOUNT.
WHO'S THAT?
UH, NO ONE.
MIKEY, YOU'VE GOT
SOMEONE THERE WITH YOU.
I can't believe it.
YOU SHOULD
ONLY BE HERE.
Forget about it,
don't let me bother you.
f**k THE s**t
OUT OF HIM.
NO, WAIT. PICK ME
UP. I-I'M READY.
NOW.
WE GOING TO
DO THIS OR NOT?
I AM REALLY,
REALLY SORRY.
UM, A FRIEND OF
MINE NEEDS ME.
IT'S AN EMERGENCY.
s**t. AFTER
ALL THAT?
I KNOW.
I PROMISE
WE'LL RESCHEDULE.
NO "IFS",
"ANDS" OR...
WHAT'S GOING ON?
EVERYTHING.
COME ON, GET UP.
YOU GOTTA GO.
WHERE?
HOME.
I CAN'T GO
HOME NOW. MY...
MY PARENTS THINK
I'M STAYING AT
A FRIEND'S.
YOU LIVE WITH
YOUR PARENTS?
WELL, I'M STILL
IN SCHOOL.
I MEAN, COLLEGE.
WHAT YEAR
ARE YOU IN?
JUNIOR.
SOPHOMORE. BETWEEN
MY JUNIOR AND
SOPHOMORE YEAR.
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
21.
WHAT YEAR WERE YOU BORN?
1979.
bulls**t. YOU HAD
TO THINK BEFORE
YOU ANSWERED THAT.
HOW OLD ARE YOU REALLY?
20.
19.
18.
WELL WHAT IS THIS,
A MISSILE LAUNCH?
17.
[ Sigh ]
WHAT IS WITH
KIDS TODAY?
WE JUST WANT TO
GET LAID LIKE
EVERYBODY ELSE.
HAVE YOU EVER
BEEN WITH
ANYONE BEFORE?
SURE.
WELL, NOT
EXACTLY.
THIS IS SORT OF MY FIRST.
I FIGURED.
KIND OF YOUNG,
AREN'T YOU?
WELL, I WAS 14
MY FIRST TIME.
THAT'S REALLY YOUNG.
WITH MY GYM TEACHER.
I BET HE WAS
SOME OLD PERV.
THAT OLD PERV WAS
PROBABLY THE SAME
AGE THAT I AM NOW.
IT WAS AFTER
SCHOOL IN THE
LOCKER ROOMS.
HE WAS TAKING A SHOWER.
I WENT BACK
FOR SOMETHING.
A BOOK, MY JOCKSTRAP,
I DON'T REMEMBER.
ANYWAY, THERE
HE WAS ALL NAKED
SOAPING HIMSELF.
HE SAW
ME THERE,
A BIG BONER
UNDER MY CHINOS.
s**t. I WALKED RIGHT
INTO THE SHOWERS
WITH ALL MY CLOTHES ON.
[ Snort ]
NO.
GOT DOWN ON MY KNEES
AND SUCKED HIM
OFF RIGHT THERE.
HE LET YOU?
LET ME?
HE LOVED IT.
I BET YOU WERE SCARED.
WELL, I GUESS WE'RE
ALL A LITTLE SCARED
OUR FIRST TIME.
BUT I DON'T
REMEMBER ANY MORE.
[ Honking of car horn ]
[ Squealing of tires ]
YOU BROUGHT HIM?
HE'S GOT NO-
WHERE TO GO.
GET IN.
Michael:
JEEZ!
[ ?????? ]
OH, MY GOD.
SAY HELLO
TO YOUR SON.
[ Cooing of baby ]
WELL, GO ON.
WHEN DID
IT START?
AROUND 7:00.
SIX HOURS LATER,
THERE HE WAS.
OH, I WISH I COULD
HAVE BEEN HERE.
HOW OFTEN DO I
GET TO SEE SNATCH?
LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU.
I GUESS HE MUST
BE MINE THEN.
WANT TO HOLD HIM?
OKAY, CAREFUL.
DON'T DROP HIM.
THAT'S JUST WHAT
I WAS PLANNING
ON DOING.
[ Crying of baby ]
WE'VE BEEN
THINKING OF NAMES.
MEL WANTS TO CALL
HIM ABRAHAM AFTER
HER GRANDFATHER,
BUT I LIKE GUS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
YOU WOULDN'T SURVIVE
A DAY AT SCHOOL
BEING NAMED ABRAHAM.
BUT I GUESS
GUS IS OKAY.
HAH, THANK YOU
VERY MUCH, AND WHO
THE HELL ARE YOU?
HIS NAME'S J...
JUSTIN.
YOU WERE ON THE
PHONE WHEN HE SHOT
HIS LOAD ALL OVER ME.
[ Groans of disgust ]
OH, BRIAN!
Brian:
HE CAN'T
HELP IT.
HE'S ONLY 17.
SO, YOU AND
LINDSAY EACH HAD
AN INFANT TONIGHT.
YEAH, BUT MINE DOESN'T
SUCK ON MY TITS.
NOT UNLESS I WANT HIM TO.
"GUS". IT'S A
GOOD BUTCH NAME.
COME ON, GUS,
GIVE YOUR DADDY A SMILE.
[ Clicking of camera ]
[ Crying of baby ]
Michael:
IT'S DISGUSTING,
ALL THOSE LESBIANS
FAWNING OVER HIM AND
MAKING GOO-GOO TALK.
THAT'S WHAT WOMEN
DO OVER BABIES.
WHO'S TALKING
ABOUT THE BABY?
I MEAN JUSTIN.
IT'S KIND OF
WEIRD, YOU
HAVING A KID.
STILL, IT'S EXCITING,
ISN'T IT?
WHAT? HAVING SOME
WRINKLED LITTLE TIME-
CLOCK TICKING AWAY?
REMINDING YOU THAT
YOU'RE GETTING OLDER
BY THE MINUTE.
BY THE SECOND?
KEEP THINKING LIKE THAT
YOU'RE GOING TO END
UP PREMATURELY GRE-EY.
OH, I THINK
I SEE ONE.
OW!
WHY DIDN'T SOMEBODY
TRY AND STOP ME?
HELLO?
SOMEBODY DID.
BUT YOU WOULDN'T
LISTEN. YOU HAD
TO LET LINDSAY
FILL YOUR HEAD
WITH ALL HER
bulls**t FLATTERY.
"OH, BRIAN,
YOU'RE SO
GOOD LOOKING.
OH, OH, BRIAN,
Y-Y-YOU'RE
SO SMART.
OH, OH, YOU'VE
GOT SUCH GREAT
GENES, BRIAN,
AND I DON'T MEAN
YOUR 501s."
AND NOW YOU'RE
STUCK WITH A KID.
FOR LIFE.
WELL THERE
IS ALWAYS ONE
SOLUTION.
I COULD END IT
ALL RIGHT NOW.
OH, THAT'D BE DRAMATIC.
JUST LIKE "ER",
BIRTH AND DEATH IN
THE SAME EPISODE.
NOW GET DOWN!
WELL, YOU'LL HAVE
TO COME GET ME...
I'M SERIOUS.
STOP CLOWNING.
OR I'LL JUMP!
?? I CAN FEEL MY
SOUL ASCENDING ??
?? I'M ON MY WAY ??
?? CAN'T STOP ME NOW ??
?? AND YOU CAN
DO THE SAME ??
?? YEAH ??
?? WHAT HAVE
YOU DONE TODAY ??
?? TO MAKE YOU
FEEL PROUD ??
?? IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE TO TRY... ??
COME ON, MIKEY,
LET'S FLY.
LIKE IN ALL
THOSE COMIC BOOKS.
I'M SUPERMAN.
I'LL SHOW
YOU THE WORLD.
WHY AM I ALWAYS
LOIS LANE?
??
?? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TODAY
?? TO MAKE YOU FEEL PROUD ??
[ ?????? ]
?? STILL SO MANY ANSWERS ??
?? I DON'T KNOW... ??
CONGRATULATIONS...
DAD.
?? ...REALIZE THAT
TO QUESTION ??
?? IS HOW WE GROW ??
?? TO QUESTION
IS TO GROW ??
?? SO I STEP OUT
OF THE ORDINARY ??
?? I CAN FEEL MY
SOUL ASCENDING ??
SORRY.
HONESTLY.
FUCKED HIM.
YOU DID NOT,
YOU LOOKED AT HIM.
THAT MAY
APPEAR TO BE
WHAT HAPPENED,
BUT WE DID
IT ALL.
OH YEAH, AND
HOW WAS HE?
FABULOUS.
WANT ONE?
NO.
MORE FOR ME.
LISTEN, YOU'RE
GOING TO GO
SAY GOODNIGHT
TO LINDSAY,
YOU'RE GOING
TO GO HOME,
GO TO BED
AND GET UP AND
GO TO WORK FOR
THE NEXT 20 YEARS
TO SUPPORT YOUR KID.
Woman:
YOU SEE THIS
LINE, HOW
DEEP IT IS?
THAT MEANS YOU'RE
VERY CREATIVE.
THAT'S TRUE. I WANT
TO BE A CARTOONIST OR
A COMPUTER ANIMATOR.
IT'S FAR TOO
LESBIANIC OUT HERE
FOR A YOUNG BOY.
OUT.
I'LL MEET
YOU OUT FRONT.
Nurse:
I'M SORRY, SIR,
YOU'LL HAVE TO
COME BACK TOMORROW.
THE MOTHER
NEEDS HER REST.
AND SO DOES THE FATHER.
IT'S OKAY, NURSE.
SWEET DREAMS,
SONNY BOY.
FIRST NIGHT
ON EARTH.
HON, COULD YOU
GET ME SOME ICE
AND MAYBE SOME-
THING FIZZY?
HOW ABOUT
SOME GINGER ALE?
UH, ANYTHING FOR YOU?
UH, IF YOU SEE
ANY AMYL NITRATE
LAYING AROUND.
ALONE AT LAST.
CAREFUL.
WELL, HERE
WE ARE.
MA AND PA.
[ Crying ]
HEY.
DON'T MIND ME,
JUST FEELING
A LITTLE...
VULNERABLE.
[ Laughing ]
I PROMISE
NOT TO TELL.
WHO WOULD
HAVE THOUGHT?
YOU AND ME.
PARENTS.
IT'S PRETTY
SCARY, BOYS
AND GIRLS.
THINK IT'S
TOO LATE TO
RETURN IT?
WE COULD TRY.
OHH.
I GUESS THIS MEANS
WE'RE FINALLY GROWN-UPS.
"DON'T SAY
THAT, WENDY,
WE'LL NEVER
GROW UP."
DON'T BE SCARED.
HELL, IF OUR
PARENTS COULD
f**k UP, SO CAN WE.
[ Sighing ]
I DON'T WANT
YOU TO WORRY.
ABOUT MONEY,
I MEAN.
IF YOU NEED
ANYTHING...
NO, WE'LL
BE ALL RIGHT.
BUT THANKS.
I WOULD'VE FUCKED
YOU, YOU KNOW?
OH!
IF I WASN'T AFRAID
YOUR LOVER'D BEAT
THE s**t OUT OF ME.
STOP.
I MEAN IT.
SHE COULD TAKE OUT
OSCAR DE LA RENTA.
YOU MEAN LA HOYA.
WHATEVER.
WELL, YOU HAD
PLENTY OF CHANCES.
AND I TOOK
ADVANTAGE OF A
FEW, IF I RECALL.
IT WASN'T HALF BAD.
NOW YOU TELL ME?
YOU MEAN I COULD
HAVE BEEN STRAIGHT
THIS WHOLE TIME?
I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.
WELL THEN I GUESS
IT'S JUST AS WELL.
ICE?
TICK-TICK-TICK.
TICK.
TICK. TICK.
TICK.
WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
I'M JUST
REPEATING THE
FIRST WORDS
MY SONNY BOY
SAID TO ME.
IT WASN'T "DA-DA".
IT WAS TICK-
TICK-TICK-TICK.
SMART LITTLE
f**ker.
HE CAN TELL
TIME ALREADY.
BRIAN, WHAT DID YOU TAKE?
?? A-B-C-D-E-E-E ??
I'M JUST TEACHING
MY KID THE ALPHABET.
?? EXHALE SLOWLY ??
I'M GOING
TO f**k YOU.
I'M GOING TO f**k
YOU ALL NIGHT.
[ Panting ]
[ Screeching of tires ]
s**t!
SORRY, I DIDN'T WANT
TO HIT THAT DOGGIE.
f**k THE
DOGGIE.
OKAY, BOY WONDER.
I'M TAKING YOU HOME.
WHERE DO I TURN?
HE'S GOING WITH ME.
OH NO, HE'S NOT.
POP QUIZ.
NO TALKING.
HERE'S A QUESTION.
MULTIPLE CHOICE.
DO YOU WANT
TO COME HOME
WITH ME?
A: YES,
B: YES,
OR C: YES.
TICK, TICK, TICK.
TIME'S UP. PENCILS DOWN.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
NONE OF THE ABOVE.
HE'S GOING HOME.
I'M GOING
WITH HIM.
GOOD BOY.
YOU GET AN
"A" PLUS.
[ Panting ]
[ Gasping ]
NOW YOU KNOW
WHAT RIMMING IS.
HE CALLS ME, PRACTICALLY
BEGS ME TO GO WITH HIM,
KNOWING FULL WELL
I'M WITH SOMEONE
FOR THE FIRST
TIME IN I DON'T
KNOW HOW LONG.
SEVEN MONTHS,
TWO WEEKS AND THREE DAYS.
THANK YOU.
AND EVEN THOUGH
THE GUY WASN'T ALL
HE WAS CRACKED UP TO BE...
WE'LL LET THAT
REMARK PASS.
AT LEAST HE WANTEDME.
ME.
GOD, I AM
SO HORNY.
POOR BABY.
WELL I HAVE
JUST THE THING.
A NEW PORN VIDEO.
IT ALL TAKES PLACE IN
A PRISONER-OF-WAR CAMP.
"HOT, HORNY MEN
STARVED FOR ACTION".
I CAN RELATE
TO THAT.
GUARANTEED TO
MAKE YOUR PRIVATES
STAND UP AND SALUTE.
"SCHINDLER'S FIST"?
AH-H-H.
HERE, I WILL
LEAVE YOU
TWO ALONE.
I'M SURE YOU'RE GOING TO
HAVE A DEEP, MEANINGFUL
RELATIONSHIP.
GOOD NIGHT.
Drill Sergeant: [ On TV ]
OKAY, PRIVATE, DROP TROU
AND BEND OVER.
Private: [ On TV ]
FOR MY PHYSICAL, SIR?
Drill Sergeant:
NO, TARGET PRACTICE.
Private:
YES, SIR.
Drill Sergeant:
[ Lewd chuckle ]
Brian:
PUT YOUR LEGS UP
ON MY SHOULDERS.
[ Panting ]
THAT'S IT.
OH, WAIT.
IN SCHOOL WE HAD
THIS LECTURE...
ABOUT SAFE SEX.
AND NOW WE'RE
GOING TO HAVE A
DEMONSTRATION.
PUT IT ON ME.
GO ON.
SLIP IT
ON MY d*ck.
AH! IT'S COLD.
IT'LL HEAT UP.
JUST...
GO SLOW, OKAY?
[ Gasp of pain ]
AH! AH!
[ Panting ]
IT HURTS.
DOES IT
ALWAYS HURT?
A LITTLE BIT.
BUT THAT'S
A PART OF IT.
[ Exhaling ]
NOW RELAX.
I WANT YOU TO ALWAYS
REMEMBER THIS.
SO THAT NO MATTER
WHO YOU'RE EVER WITH...
I'LL ALWAYS
BE THERE.
[ ?????? ]
[ Groaning ]
[ Beeping of
alarm clock ]
[ Heavy sigh ]
WHAT THE f**k
ARE YOU DOING HERE?
Y-YOU SAID
I COULD STAY.
RIGHT.
YOUR PARENTS.
THEY THINK YOU'RE
AT A FRIEND'S.
JESUS CHRIST!
WHAT THE HELL
HAPPENED?
[ Laughing ]
DON'T TELL ME.
I WAS DOING
HANDSTANDS.
AND JUGGLING.
YOU'RE NOT
VERY GOOD.
s**t.
WHY DO I DO
THESE THINGS?
I'LL TELL YOU WHY.
IT WAS THAT
f**king PIG ANITA.
SHE TOLD ME THAT WAS "E".
THAT WASN'T "E",
THAT WAS SOME s**t
THEY COOKED UP IN
A BATHTUB IN TIJUANA.
THAT'S WHY YOU
SHOULD NEVER
TAKE DRUGS
THAT AREN'T
PRESCRIBED BY
A PHYSICIAN,
OR RECOMMENDED
BY A RELIABLE
PHARMACIST.
[ Chuckle of
disbelief ]
WHAT ARE YOU?
A PUBLIC SERVICE
ANNOUNCEMENT?
GET DRESSED,
I'LL DRIVE
YOU HOME.
YOU CAN'T.
MICHAEL
HAS THE CAR.
WHY HAS
HE GOT IT?
YOU WERE
TOO HIGH...
I KNOW WHAT
HAPPENED.
I WAS THERE.
I REMEMBER
EVERYTHING...
PERFECTLY.
WHAT WAS
YOUR NAME AGAIN?
JUSTIN.
YEAH, RIGHT.
[ Sighing ]
CAN I TAKE A SHOWER?
YEAH, BUT
HURRY UP.
IT'S THROUGH
THERE...
I THINK.
[ Beeping of
answering machine ]
Melanie: [ On machine ]
Where the hell are you?
Your cell's turned off.
If you're there, pick up.
Brian? Listen,
Lindsay's water broke.
She's having contractions.
We're at the hospital.
f**k! I HAVE A BABY.
[ Water running ]
Justin:
OW! OW!
TWO BABIES.
[ Blaring of car alarm ]
[ Banging of metal ]
[ Smashing of glass ]
HOLY s**t!
[ Hissing of
aerosol spray ]
YOU LITTLE BASTARDS!
GET THE f**k
AWAY FROM THERE!
FAGGOT!
QUEER!
FAGGOT!
WHO'RE YOU
CALLING A FAGGOT?
WE'VE SEEN YOU.
QUEER!
MORNING.
OH, MY LORD.
MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'M CALLING
THE COPS.
BRIAN IS GOING
TO HAVE A FIT,
YOU KNOW HOW
HE FEELS ABOUT
HIS JEEP.
WELL IF HE CARES
SO MUCH ABOUT IT
THEN HE SHOULDN'T
HAVE LENT IT TO ME.
HE KNOWS WHAT
A TERRIBLE NEIGH-
BOURHOOD THIS IS.
WELL, I, UH, I WAS
GOING TO ASK FOR
A LIFT TO WORK.
BUT ON SECOND
THOUGHT, I THINK
I'LL WALK.
HAVE A NICE DAY.
s**t!
[ Splashing of shower ]
WHY DIDN'T
YOU TELL ME
I HAD A KID?
YOU SAID YOU
REMEMBERED
EVERYTHING.
[ Sighing ]
IT ALL HAPPENED
SO FAST.
WHAT'S HIS
NAME AGAIN?
GUS.
I'M THE ONE
WHO DECIDED.
DID YOU ACTUALLY
f**k HER?
WHO?
LINDSAY.
YOU'RE
AWFULLY RUDE.
WELL, DID YOU?
I JERKED OFF
IN A CUP,
AND THEY SQUIRTED
IT UP HER.
GROSS.
SHE MUST HAVE
REALLY WANTED
A KID.
MOST WOMEN DO.
EVEN LESBIANS?
LESBIANS
ARE WOMEN...
SORT OF.
MY MOM SAYS SOMETIMES
SHE WISHED SHE NEVER HAD ME.
THAT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE SHE'S
STUCK WITH THIS ANNOYING BRAT
FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE.
SO, YOU GONNA RAISE HIM?
[ Laughs ]
ME?
NO WAY.
THE MUNCHERS ARE.
BUT I'LL BE AROUND
TO PROVIDE
THE MASCULINE INFLUENCE
SO IMPORTANT
IN A YOUNG BOY'S LIFE.
I'LL BET MELANIE COULD DO IT
BETTER THAN YOU.
DON'T GET SMART,
OR I'LL HAVE TO SPANK YOU.
REALLY?
YOU UP FOR ONE MORE?
[ Screeching of tires ]
BRIAN!
[ ?????? ]
CHRIST. DIDN'T YOU
GET ENOUGH LAST NIGHT?
THERE IS NO SUCH THING
AS ENOUGH.
BESIDES...
I COULDN'T SEND HIM OFF
WITHOUT A NOURISHING
HIGH-PROTEIN BREAKFAST.
IT'S GRRR-REAT!
WILL YOU COME ON?
I'M NOT GONNA BE LATE
BECAUSE OF YOU.
I SAID HURRY UP!
YEAH. SHE SAID,
"DON'T BE LATE."
OH, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL, MIKEY.
JUST BEAUTIFUL.
IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
I TOLD YOU ABOUT THOSE TWO
PSYCHOPATHS DOWN THE STREET.
WHAT, A COUPLE
OF 12-YEAR-OLDS?
THEY START EARLY
THESE DAYS.
WHAT ARE YOU
LAUGHING AT ?
NOTHING.
YOU.
YOU SOUND LIKE
MY PARENTS FIGHTING.
IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYWAY.
IT'S A COMPANY CAR.
WELL, COME ON. WE HAVE TO
TAKE THE CHILD TO SCHOOL.
IN THIS?
YOU CARE?
f**k NO.
[ Screeching of tires ]
[ Honking of horn ]
HERE WE ARE,
SONNY BOY.
BE SURE TO COME HOME
RIGHT AFTER SCHOOL.
NO LINGERING
ON THE PLAYGROUND
OR IN THE LOCKER ROOM
WITH THE GYM TEACHER.
OH, YOU DID NOT
TELL HIM ABOUT THAT.
IT'S THE MOST FAMOUS
SHOWER SCENE SINCE "PSYCHO."
HEY, JUSTIN!
WANNA SUCK ME OFF?
NO, BUT I'LL KICK YOUR TIGHT
LITTLE VIRGIN a** SO HARD,
YOU WON'T SIT DOWN
FOR A WEEK.
[ Giggling ]
CAN WE GET OUT OF HERE?
WHEN CAN I SEE YOU AGAIN?
YOU CAN SEE ME RIGHT NOW.
I MEAN LATER--
TONIGHT.
[ Chuckles ]
WHO KNOWS WHERE
I'LL BE LATER TONIGHT.
WE BETTER GO.
PLEASE?
I'LL SEE YOU
IN YOUR DREAMS.
[ Ringing of school bell ]
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
YOUR MOM CALLED.
I DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT TO TELL HER.
I SAID
YOU WERE STILL ASLEEP.
I JUST SAW
THE FACE OF GOD.
HUH?
HIS NAME IS BRIAN KINNEY.
Michael:
THANK GOD HE'S FINALLY GONE.
Brian:
HE ALMOST WORE ME OUT.
SOMEBODY WORE YOU OUT?
I SAID "ALMOST."
I'LL DROP YOU BY THE STORE.
[ Scoffs ]
THE HELL YOU WILL.
YOU BETTER GET THIS THING
REPAINTED BEFORE YOU GO
INTO THE OFFICE.
I'M NOT HAVING IT
REPAINTED.
WHAT?
I LIKE IT THIS WAY.
ARE YOU CRAZY?
[ Honking of horns ]
NO. THEY ARE.
WELL, I SAY f**k 'EM.
THEY CAN WRITE IT IN NEON
ACROSS THE SKY.
FAGGOT!
[ Both laughing ]
[ Honking of horn ]
?? YOU GAVE ME GIRL'S TOYS ??
?? I'M ONE OF THOSE BOYS ??
[ ?????? ]
Ted:
BRIAN KINNEY, A FATHER?
Michael: [ On telephone ]
It's true. I was there.
I saw it happen
with my own eyes.
TALK ABOUT CONCEIVING
THE INCONCEIVABLE.
OR IS IT THE
OTHER WAY AROUND?
Michael:
Would you give
the guy a break?
Emmett: [ On telephone ]
Couldn't be any worse
than my Daddy was.
Michael:
Or mine, not that
I can remember him.
SO WHAT'S NEXT?
PTA PARENT?
LITTLE LEAGUE COACH?
SCOUTMASTER?
THEY DON'T
ALLOW QUEERS
IN THE SCOUTS.
THEY'RE AFRAID
WE'LL INDUCT
NEW RECRUITS.
I ONLY GO OUT WITH MEN
WHO'VE ALREADY ENLISTED.
SO, UH, WHO'S
HE LOOK LIKE?
WELL, HE'S GOT
BRIAN'S EYES
AND MOUTH AND...
LINDSAY'S NOSE.
WELL, IF HE'S GOT
MELANIE'S d*ck,
WE'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.
[ Chuckling ]
YOU SHOULD SEE
THE PICTURES
I TOOK.
HE'S SO
ADORABLE.
IN ONE OF THEM HE'S
ACTUALLY PLAYING
WITH HIMSELF.
WHO, BRIAN?
NO, THE BABY.
CAN YOU IMAGINE,
HE'S ONLY BEEN IN THE
WORLD ABOUT AN HOUR
AND ALREADY HE'S
PULLING HIS PUD?
EXCUSE ME.
YEAH.
CAN YOU TELL
ME WHERE MEN'S
JOCKEY SHORTS ARE?
AISLE FOUR.
THANKS.
SURE.
Ted: [ On telephone ]
Well, that proves
the theory.
WE'VE ALL GOT d*ck ON THE
BRAIN FROM WOMB TO TOMB.
Emmett:
Speak for yourself.
I AM.
YEAH, GO FOR IT.
ARE YOU WATCHING THAT
FILTHY WEB SITE AGAIN?
YOU CAN'T BELIEVE
THIS GUY. HE MUST BE
AT LEAST 10 INCHES.
TED? TED.
UH, CAN I PUT
YOU ON HOLD ONE
MOMENT PLEASE?
YES,
MR. WERTSHAFTER?
HAVE YOU FINISHED
GOING OVER THE
GROPNIK RETURNS?
OH, YES, SIR.
I JUST PRINTED
THEM OUT.
THERE YOU ARE.
FEDERAL AND STATE.
THANKS.
YOU'RE WELCOME...
MR. WERTSHAFTER.
SORRY. THE BOSS.
s**t! YOU
BETTER
BE CAREFUL.
THE LAST THING YOU NEED
IS FOR HIM TO CATCH YOU
ON CUMQUICK.COM.
OH PLEASE,
THAT GUY'S SO
BLIND, HE'S YET
TO FIGURE OUT
HIS WIFE'S BEEN
BOINKING HIS
BUSINESS PARTNER
FOR THE LAST
FIVE YEARS.
HOW HE'S GOING TO FIND
OUT ABOUT ME?
I'LL CATCH
YOU LATER.
LATER.
LATER.
Michael: [ Narrating ]
REMEMBER THAT STORY WE
ALL READ IN HIGH SCHOOL,
YOU KNOW THE ONE
ABOUT THE PRISONERS
CHAINED IN THE CAVE?
PLATO OR WHOEVER.
ALL THEY COULD SEE
WERE SHADOWS ON A WALL,
SO AFTER A WHILE,
THEY STARTED THINKING
THAT WAS REALITY.
WELL, IN A WAY,
THAT'S WHAT TED'S LIKE.
IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE
HE'S HAD SEX WITH SOME-
ONE HE DIDN'T DOWNLOAD,
HE'S FORGOTTEN THAT
ALL THOSE PERFECT BODIES
AND PERFECT FACES
AREN'T REAL.
THAT NO ONE'S REALLY THERE.
THAT THEY'RE ONLY...
SHADOWS.
THEN AGAIN, WHOEVER GOT
ANAL WARTS IN A CHATROOM?
Woman:
MICHAEL.
[ Mouthing silently ]
[ Chuckle ]
[ Dropping of baskets ]
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
OUR BEER AND THEIR BEER
IS THAT OUR BEER
SAYS, "SEX"...
NOT CLYDESDALES.
IF YOU WANT TO BE COOL,
IF YOU WANT
TO BE POPULAR,
IF YOU WANT TO
GET... LAID...
THIS IS WHAT
YOU DRINK.
Man:
WHAT ABOUT
THE MODEL?
ARE YOU SURE
HE ISN'T TOO, UM...
GAY?
LADIES?
Woman:
I WOULDN'T CARE
IF HE WAS.
I'D GO TO BED
WITH HIM ANYWAY.
[ Giggle ]
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
I HADN'T THOUGHT
ABOUT IT.
[ ?????? ]
?? THAT'S RIGHT ??
[ ?????? ]
[ Grunts of game ]
Coach:
MOVE. MOVE. YOU GUYS SHOW
SOME HUSTLE OUT THERE.
LET'S GO.
Justin:
GUESS WHAT I WAS
DOING LAST NIGHT.
Girl:
SLEEPING,
SAME AS ME?
HAVING SEX,
ALL NIGHT,
WITH THAT GUY I MET,
BRIAN KINNEY.
WE DID IT
TILL 6:00 IN THE MORNING.
WELL?
AREN'T YOU SHOCKED?
NOT REALLY.
OH.
WELL, I KINDA
FIGURED THAT
YOU'RE...
YOU KNOW.
EVEN THOUGH YOU
NEVER TOLD ME.
I'M TELLING YOU NOW.
[ Deep sigh ]
WANT SOME OF
MY VEGGIE WRAP?
SO WHAT WAS
IT LIKE?
WELL, I
STARTED OUT
AS A TIGHT END,
BUT WOUND UP
A WIDE RECEIVER.
[ Giggle ]
Players:
BALL. BALL.
Coach:
COME ON,
WHERE'S YOUR ARM?
THANKS.
THANK YOU.
GOOD TO MEET YOU.
THANK YOU.
NEXT TIME.
THANKS.
UH, ?? HE'S MARRIED ??
Brian:
UH-HUH.
Woman:
WITH TWO
CHILDREN.
AH, A
FAMILY MAN.
HUH!
EXCUSE ME.
COULD YOU, UH,
TELL ME WHERE THE
MEN'S ROOM IS?
YEAH, IT'S JUST
DOWN THE HALL
AND TO THE LEFT.
THANKS.
THAT'S A
LONG TRIP.
HUH!
HE MIGHT
GET LOST.
I'M SURE
YOU'LL SHOW
HIM THE WAY.
THERE I WAS
ON MY BACK.
AND THERE HE WAS
ON TOP OF ME,
SLIPPING IT IN.
THAT MUST HAVE HURT.
DIDN'T IT HURT?
YEAH, AT FIRST IT
FELT LIKE SOMEONE
WAS SHOVING A
BROOM UP THERE.
BUT, I TOLD HIM
TO GO SLOWER,
AND HE DID.
THEN I STOPPED
THINKING ABOUT
IT WHEN I LOOKED
AT HIS FACE.
HIS EYES
WERE CLOSED.
HIS MOUTH
WAS OPEN
IN A SORT
OF SMILE,
LIKE HE WAS IN
ANOTHER PLACE.
A BEAUTIFUL PLACE.
THAT PLACE
WAS ME.
[ Snort ]
AND HIS BODY. GOD!
LIKE HIS BODY
WAS SO AMAZING.
I COULD SEE
EVERY MUSCLE.
HE SAID HE WANTED
TO STAY INSIDE
ME FOREVER,
AND I WANTED HIM TO.
I STILL FEEL HIM,
LIKE, HE'S STILL THERE.
CHRIST, DAPHNE,
EVERYBODY TALKS
ABOUT HAVING SEX.
BUT I REALLY DID IT.
[ Opening of zipper ]
[ Sniffle ]
I HAD TO PISS
DURING THAT
WHOLE PITCH.
DIDN'T THINK I
COULD HOLD IT.
YOUR PRESENTATION
WAS VERY IMPRESSIVE.
THINK SO?
YEAH, IT WAS
VERY IMPRESSIVE.
WELL, I'M GLAD
YOU LIKED IT,
BECAUSE THAT'S
WHAT WE'RE
HERE FOR.
TO PLEASE
THE CLIENT.
SO, LIKE,
WHAT IS HE NOW?
YOUR BOYFRIEND?
[ Chuckle ]
WE JUST MET.
WELL... DO
YOU LOVE HIM?
I DON'T KNOW.
YEAH, I
LOVE HIM.
[ Giggle ]
DOES HE LOVE YOU?
HE SAID HE DID.
WHEN?
WELL, WHEN
HE WAS ABOUT
TO SHOOT.
HE WAS MOVING
REALLY FAST,
AND HE LET
OUT THIS GROAN
LIKE NOTHING
I'D EVER
HEARD BEFORE.
AND THAT'S WHEN
HE SAID IT,
RIGHT WHEN
HE CAME.
HE SAID,
"I LOVE YOU."
THEN HE LEANED IN
AND KISSED ME.
[ Clearing
of throat ]
WELL, I GUESS
WE BETTER BE
GETTING BACK.
YEAH, I GUESS SO.
IT'S BEEN
A PLEASURE.
IT CAN BE EVEN
MORE OF ONE.
EXCUSE ME?
[ ?????? ]
YOU KNOW,
I'M NEVER WRONG.
HUH?
OH NOTHING,
BUDDY.
I-I DON'T KISS.
YEAH, RIGHT.
[ ?????? ]
MR. NOVOTNY?
MIKE.
MIKE.
I WAS WONDERING IF...
WELL, YOU KNOW
THOSE BOXES YOU
WANTED ME TO MOVE.
MM-HMM.
I MEAN, I DON'T WANT
TO SEEM LIKE I'M
SHIRKING OR ANYTHING,
BUT THEY'RE
KIND OF HEAVY.
DO YOU THINK ONE OF
THE GUYS COULD MAYBE
GIVE ME A HAND?
YEAH, NO PROBLEM.
I CAN GET SOME-
BODY TO HELP YOU.
OH, THAT'D BE
GREAT. OKAY.
I'LL BE OVER ON AISLE 14.
OKAY.
OKAY.
Woman:
YES, YOUR
MAJESTY.
SOMEBODY SHOULD
TELL HER
PRINCESS DI
IS DEAD,
AND THEY'RE
NOT LOOKING FOR
A REPLACEMENT.
THE BOXES
ARE HEAVY.
AND THERE'S
NOTHING WRONG WITH
ASKING FOR HELP.
I... I THINK
SHE'S KIND OF
SWEET ACTUALLY.
YOU THINK
SHE'S SWEET?
WELL, I DON'T
REALLY KNOW
HER, BUT, YEAH.
WHAT ABOUT CUTE?
YEAH, SHE'S CUTE.
WELL, SHE THINKS
YOU'RE CUTE TOO.
SHE... DOES?
SHE LIKES
YOU A LOT.
BUT SHE DIDN'T
KNOW IF YOU
LIKED HER,
SO I SAID
I'D FIND OUT.
SO YOU DON'T
REALLY THINK
SHE'S STUCK-UP.
OH, SHE'S
ADOLL.
YOU KNOW, I
NEVER HEARD YOU
SAY YOU LIKED
A GIRL BEFORE.
WELL, I...
IN FACT...
I'VE NEVER HEARD
YOU SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT GIRLS.
YOU...
LIKE GIRLS,
DON'T YOU?
SURE. UH...
SO? THEN YOU'LL
COME WITH US
AFTER WORK TONIGHT.
WE'RE TAKING HER
OUT FOR A DRINK.
I DON'T THINK
I CAN. I...
AH!
NO EXCUSES.
SHOELESS JOE'S, 7:30.
AND... DO
SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR HAIR.
IT WAS A TRAP.
HEY, SEE THAT
NUMBER IN THE
RED SHORTS?
Ted:
I COULD
WORK OUT FOR
100 YEARS
AND NEVER LOOK
LIKE THAT.
PRETENDING SHE
DIDN'T LIKE HER,
JUST TO SEE
WHAT I'D SAY.
SHAWN PETERS. I WENT HOME
WITH HIM THE OTHER NIGHT,
THINKING HE WAS THIS BRUTAL TOP.
AND?
AND I FELL FOR IT!
TURNS OUT HE'S A
BIG NELLY BOTTOM.
I COULD HAVE
TOLD YOU THAT.
Emmett:
AW, IT'S SO
DISCOURAGING.
ARE THERE NO
REAL MEN LEFT?
AND NOW THEY'RE EXPECTING
ME TO MEET THEM.
IN STEROID CITY?
NO, IN THIS STRAIGHT BAR.
IS THERE ANYONE
HERE LISTENING?
THERE'S THIS NEW
GIRL AT WORK WHO'S
INTERESTED IN YOU.
FAT MARLEY TRICKED
YOU INTO MEETING HER
AND SOME OF THE OTHERS
FOR A DRINK AFTER
WORK, AND NOW
YOU HAVE TO GO
OR THEY MIGHT
SUSPECT.
CHECK OUT MR. PEC-DECK.
Emmett:
SO WHAT...
IF THEY DO?
THEY COULD FIRE HIM.
OR I COULD END UP
AN ASSISTANT MANAGER
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
AND THE SOLUTION IS TO
PRETEND YOU LIKE p*s*y?
AH, LOOK,
HE'S NOT LIKE
YOU, OKAY?
WHAT IS THAT
SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
MEANING HE'S NOT AN
OBVIOUSLY GAY MAN.
ARE YOU ACCUSING ME
OF BEING OBVIOUS?
IF THE f**k-ME PUMP FITS...
WELL, I COULD BE
A... A R-REAL MAN,
IF I WANTED TO.
YOU KNOW, JUST
LOWER MY VOICE,
STOP... GESTURING
WITH MY HANDS,
MAKE SURE MY FACE
IS EXPRESSIONLESS.
NEVER, NEVER USE
WORDS LIKE...
LIKE FABULOUS OR DIVINE,
TALK ABOUT, I DON'T KNOW,
NAILING BITCHES AND RBIs.
BUT I'D RATHER
MY FLAME BURN BRIGHT,
THAN BE SOME PUNY,
LITTLE PILOT LIGHT.
AND A FABULOUS
FLAME IT IS.
THANK YOU.
YEAH.
Ted:
BUT MICHAEL IS
OUT THERE IN THE
STRAIGHT WORLD.
AND BELIEVE ME,
IT ISN'T EASY.
YOU DO WHAT
YOU HAVE TO DO.
[ Panting ]
I BETTER GO CHANGE.
FOR YOUR BIG DATE?
OOH, HERE'S
A SPORTS MAG.
BETTER BONE UP.
JUST IN CASE THE
CONVERSATION VEERS
AWAY FROM LIZA'S
WEIGHT PROBLEM.
JUSTIN, DID YOU
HEAR ME? I SAID
YOU'RE NOT GOING.
[ Snort ]
I'M GOING.
YOU WERE JUST
THERE LAST NIGHT.
SO WHAT?
SO, I WAS PLANNING
TO TAKE YOU
AND YOUR SISTER
OUT FOR PIZZA.
YOU...
YOU KNOW, I
EXPECT YOU TO
CLEAN UP THIS MESS.
I DON'T
UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU HAVE
TO SPEND
ALL YOUR TIME
WITH DAPHNE.
OF ALL THE BEAUTIFUL
CLOTHES YOUR FATHER
AND I BOUGHT FOR YOU,
YOU HAVE TO PICK
SOMETHING THAT
NO LONGER FITS.
THAT IS TOO TIGHT.
THAT'S WHY.
JUSTIN?
DON'T I GET A
KISS GOODBYE?
I EXPECT
YOU TO CALL.
WE NEED A
SECRET CODE WORD
LIKE "SHAZAM",
SO THAT IF I GET
IN A TIGHT SPOT,
YOU CAN COME IN
AND RESCUE ME.
A TIGHT SPOT.
HOW ABOUT
"BUTTPLUG"?
"BUTTPLUG" MIGHT
BE A LITTLE HARD
TO WORK INTO
A CONVERSATION.
BECAUSE THAT'S
WHAT YOU ARE,
PRETENDING YOU'RE
ONE OF THEM.
I COULDN'T
HELP IT.
OH, YOU COULD
HAVE TOLD HER
THE TRUTH,
INSTEAD OF ACTING
LIKE A SCARED,
LITTLE FAGGOT.
YOU SHOULD HAVE
JUST SAID, "I
TAKE IT UP THE
a**, SWEETHEART.
DEAL WITH IT."
RIGHT. RIGHT.
BY THE WAY, I
NOTICED YOU GOT
THE JEEP REPAINTED.
[ Deep sigh ]
OH MY GOD, THIS
PLACE IS LIKE,
BREEDER CENTRAL.
BUTTPLUG, BUTT-
PLUG, BUTTPLUG,
BUTT...
SEE YOU, MIKEY.
[ Mixed chatter ]
Man:
I WANT TO WATCH
THE END OF THE GAME.
[ Country & Western ?????? ]
?? WON'T YOU BE TRUE? ??
?? LUZIETTE,
OH, LUZIETTE ??
?? GIRL I LOVE YOU ??
?? SOMETHING HAPPENS TO ME
EVERY TIME I WATCH HER DANCE ??
?? FIDDLES PLAY AND
AS SHE MOVES... ??
Marley:
MICHAEL.
MICHAEL!
WHERE YOU BEEN?
WE THOUGHT YOU
GOT LOST.
SOME, UH, LAST-
MINUTE BUSINESS.
SLIDE IT ON IN.
HARV, MOVE
YOUR HAIRY a**.
Man:
[ Chuckle ]
THANKS.
WHAT'LL
YOU HAVE?
UH... SAME AS
EVERYBODY ELSE.
GOOD CHOICE.
UH, BRING OVER
ANOTHER PITCHER.
Michael:
HI.
HI. GLAD YOU
COULD MAKE IT.
I TOLD YOU
HE'D BE HERE,
DIDN'T I?
NOT TO WORRY?
I WASN'T
WORRIED.
NOW JUST MAKE
SURE HE'S NOT
SEEING ANYONE,
BEFORE YOU GET
ALL LOVEY-DOVEY.
[ Giggle ]
MARLEY, WOULD
YOU SHUT UP AND
LEAVE 'EM ALONE?
WHAT?
YOU'RE NOT
SEEING ANYONE,
ARE YOU?
ME?
NO.
WELL THAT'S
GOOD.
I MEAN...
I UNDERSTAND.
YOU DON'T WANT
TO GET INVOLVED
WITH SOMEONE
IF THEY'RE
INVOLVED ALREADY.
SO ARE YOU?
SEEING ANYONE?
NO. WE JUST
BROKE UP.
OH. SORRY.
OH, DON'T BE.
HE WAS A REAL DOOFUS.
ONLY I DIDN'T
KNOW IT AT
THE TIME.
THERE'S SO MUCH
YOU DON'T KNOW
AT THE TIME.
ISN'T THAT
THE TRUTH?
LIKE, CAN YOU
BELIEVE, HE...
HE DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW HOW TO
FIX A SINK?
Others:
[ Chuckles of sympathy ]
REALLY!
Woman:
HE CALLED ME AT WORK
SAYING, "WHAT SHOULD I DO?"
I SAID,
"I DON'T CARE
WHAT YOU DO.
BUY SOME CEMENT.
GET A CORK.
USED CHEWING GUM.
BUT PLUG IT UP!"
All:
[ Laughing ]
BUT PLUG IT...
[ Chuckle ]
BUTTPLUG...
[ Helpless
laughter ]
A MILLION DOLLARS?
Melanie:
THAT'S THE
GENERAL IDEA.
A MILLION
f**king DOLLARS?
BRIAN, PLEASE.
YOU'LL WAKE
THE BABY.
WELL, THE ANSWER'S NO.
DEFINITELY NOT.
HUH, I DON'T
UNDERSTAND
THE PROBLEM.
I MEAN, LINDSAY
TOLD ME YOU
OFFERED TO HELP
SUPPORT HIM.
IT WAS VERY
GENEROUS.
WELL THAT'S
DIFFERENT THAN A
LIFE INSURANCE POLICY.
IT'S SIMPLY IN
CASE SOMETHING
HAPPENS TO YOU.
LIKE I'M
DECAPITATED
AT A RAILROAD
CROSSING?
OR BURNED BEYOND
RECOGNITION IN
SOME GAS EXPLOSION?
YOU KNOW, I CAN
JUST IMAGINE THE
GRIZZLY DEATHS
YOU'VE CONJURED
UP FOR ME.
LIKE IN CASE
YOU GET SICK.
AH. EVEN BETTER.
CONSIDERING YOUR LIFE.
I MEAN, WHEN'S THE LAST
TIME YOU WERE TESTED?
SIX MONTHS AGO.
I WAS NEGATIVE.
THAT'S 26 WEEKS
AND 182 ONE-NIGHT STANDS.
YOU KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS
ADMIRED PEOPLE WHO COULD
MULTIPLY IN THEIR HEADS.
AND I'M ALWAYS
CAREFUL.
LOOK, THIS ISN'T FOR US.
IT'S FOR OUR SON.
WE NEED TO MAKE
SURE HE'LL BE
PROVIDED FOR.
AND ALL I HAVE
TO DO IS DIE.
HOPEFULLY NOT
BEFORE YOU SIGN
THESE PAPERS.
All:
[ Jolly laughter ]
WE WON'T BE
LAUGHING COME
SUPERBOWL TIME,
WHEN WE'RE
UP AGAINST
THE TITANS.
WE DON'T STAND
A CHANCE.
DON'T SAY THAT.
YOU'VE GOT
TO BELIEVE,
RIGHT, MIKE?
LIKE CHER!
YOUWATCHFOOTBALL?
CONSTANTLY.
[ Chuckle ]
SO, UH...
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WHAT DO I THINK?
I THINK...
DUE TO FREE AGENCY,
WE'VE LOST SOME OF
OUR BEST PLAYERS.
STILL, OUR DEFENCE
IS STRONG, BUT WE
NEED A NEW SCHEME
FROM OUR DEFENSIVE
COORDINATOR TO
MOVE THE BALL.
[ Chuckle ]
THAT'S JUST
WHAT I SAY.
HA, HA, HA, HA, HA.
[ Ringing of cell phone ]
HELLO, SPORTS FANS.
I'M COMING TO GET YOU.
IT'S OKAY. I'M HAVING
A REALLY GOOD TIME.
SHE'S REALLY,
REALLY NICE.
SHE'S REALLY NICE?
DO YOU THINK SHE
AND HER FRIENDS
WOULD BE REALLY NICE
IF THEY KNEW THE LITTLE
CHARADE YOU WERE PLAYING?
THEY'D PROBABLY
TIE YOU TO A FENCE
AND BASH YOUR BRAINS IN.
THEY'RE NOT LIKE THAT.
NOT LIKE THAT, HUH?
Listen to me, Mikey.
Are you listening?
YEAH, I'M LISTENING.
THERE'S ONLY TWO
KINDS OF STRAIGHT
PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD;
THE ONES THAT HATE
YOU TO YOUR FACE,
AND THE ONES THAT HATE
YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK.
Now get the f**k
out of there...
BECAUSE I NEED YOU.
[ Beep of disconnect ]
Emmett:
?? ...HOW I WAS GONNA
CHANGE, BUT I'M NOT ??
?? IF YOU KEEP DOING
THINGS I DON'T ??
?? YOU BETTER THINK ??
Others:
?? THINK ??
?? THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE
TRYING TO DO TO ME, YEAH ??
?? THINK ??
?? THINK ??
?? LET YOUR MIND GO,
LET YOURSELF BE FREE ??
OH YEAH!
?? YEAH-H-H... ??
HI.
OH s**t,
JUST WHAT I NEED.
WHAT'S-HIS-NAME.
JUSTIN.
HIS NAME'S JUSTIN.
IF I CAN REMEMBER
IT AND I DIDN'T
EVEN f**k HIM,
WHY CAN'T YOU?
BECAUSE I DID.
SO, DAWSON, HOW
ARE THINGS DOWN
AT THE CREEK?
Crowd:
[ Cheering ]
Emmett:
THANK YOU,
PITTSBURGH.
I LOVE YOU.
YOU KNOW, FOR A
SKINNY WHITE BOY,
I MAKE ONE f**king
FABULOUS BLACK WOMAN!
[ Chuckle ]
HOW ABOUT
ANOTHER ROUND
ON ME?
I GOT A BETTER IDEA.
LET'S MOVE ON.
WHAT'S WRONG
WITH HERE?
I'VE HAD
EVERYONE HERE.
YEAH, MY PROBLEM
PRECISELY.
YOU HAVEN'T HAD ME.
OH YEAH?
WHAT?
Y-YOU NEVER TOLD US.
THERE'S NOTHING TO TELL.
WE WERE UP IN HIS ROOM.
WE WERE 14,
15 TOPS.
[ Heavy sigh ]
WE WERE SUPPOSED
TO BE STUDYING,
WHATEVER,
ONLY WE'RE NOT.
WE'RE LOOKING
AT THIS TRASHY
PHOTO MAG HIS MOM
SWIPED FROM THE
BEAUTY PARLOUR.
ANYWAY...
THERE'S THIS SHOT OF
PATRICK SWAYZE FROM
"DIRTY DANCING"...
WITHOUT HIS
SHIRT ON.
AH-H-H.
AH-HA-HA!
SO I'VE GOT THIS
HARD-ON JUST FROM
LOOKING AT IT,
AND I GLANCE
OVER AT MIKEY,
AND GUESS WHAT?
HE'S GOT
ONE TOO.
OKAY, YOU
CAN STOP NOW.
TWIN STIFFIES.
I REACH OVER,
START RUBBING IT.
HE'S PRACTICALLY
SWOONING.
I POP IT OUT,
START STROKING IT,
NICE AND SLOW.
AND WE'RE BOTH
THIS CLOSE.
THEN...
HIS MOM WALKS IN
WITHOUT KNOCKING.
All:
[ Laughing ]
THEY ALWAYS DO.
DID SHE SEE YOU?
I DON'T SEE
HOW SHE COULD
HAVE MISSED IT.
ONLY WE DIDN'T COME,
SO IT DOESN'T COUNT.
OH, "DIRTY DANCING".
THAT'S A REALLY
OLD MOVIE.
WHAT?
I SAID THAT'S A
REALLY OLD MOVIE.
IT'S NOT THAT OLD.
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
UH-OH.
HOW OLD DO YOU
THINK I AM?
33?
[ Snort ]
[ Chuckle ]
f**k YOU!
HE'S 29.
AND f**k YOU TOO.
WHAT DID YOU
TELL HIM FOR?
FAIR'S FAIR.
WE ALL KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS.
IN A FEW MONTHS,
YOU'LL BE 30.
MIGHT AS WELL
BE DEAD.
HMM, WELL...
YOU OUGHT TO KNOW.
YOU ALREADY ARE.
OH, HO, HO, HO.
Michael:
OH NO YOU DON'T.
COME BACK HERE.
YOU'RE NOT STICKING
US WITH THAT KID.
HE'S YOUR
RESPONSIBILITY.
NOW GET BACK
IN THERE.
YOU KNOW,
I'M GETTING
A LITTLE SICK
OF PEOPLE TELLING
ME WHAT'S MY
RESPONSIBILITY.
IF LINDSAY AND
MELANIE WANT
TO GO OFF AND
HAVE A KID,
THAT'S THEIR
RESPONSIBILITY.
IF WHAT'S-HIS-NAME--
JUSTIN--
WANTS TO GO OUT
AND PICK UP GUYS
WHILE HE'S STILL
IN HIGH SCHOOL,
THAT'S HIS
RESPONSIBILITY.
MY RESPONSIBILITY
IS TO MYSELF.
I DON'T OWE ANYBODY
A GODDAMN THING.
CALM DOWN!
I GOTTA GO.
Emmett:
ANYONE UP FOR BABYLON?
Ted:
I WAS THINKING
BOYTOY.
YOU KNOW, I
HAVEN'T BEEN
SNUBBED BY A
TWINKIE IN WEEKS.
WHAT ABOUT HIM?
Ted:
WHAT
ABOUT HIM?
WELL, WE CAN'T JUST
LEAVE HIM HERE.
IT'S NOT
OUR PROBLEM.
HE'S MINE?
NO, BRIAN'S
YOUR PROBLEM.
LET HIM CLEAN
UP HIS OWN MESS
FOR A CHANGE.
DON'T WASTE YOUR
FRIDAY NIGHT BABYSITTING.
[ ?????? ]
I COME ALL THE
WAY HERE JUST
TO SEE HIM.
HE DOESN'T
WANT ANYTHING
TO DO WITH ME.
YEAH WELL, THE
THING YOU GOT
TO KNOW ABOUT
BRIAN IS...
HE'S NOT YOUR
BOYFRIEND.
BRIAN DOESN'T
DO BOYFRIENDS.
YEAH WELL,
YOU WEREN'T
THERE WHEN WE
WERE DOING IT.
YOU DON'T KNOW THE
THINGS WE DID...
HOW HE KISSED ME.
YOU DON'T
KNOW ANYTHING.
I KNOW THIS.
BRIAN IS A
SELFISH PRICK
WHO DOESN'T CARE
ABOUT ANYONE
BUT HIMSELF.
IF I WERE YOU,
I'D JUST FORGET
ABOUT HIM.
HI'YA, BOYS.
GETTIN' ANY TONIGHT?
[ Chuckle ]
I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU
AROUND HERE BEFORE.
HE'S NEW.
Woman:
AND CUTE.
EVERY GUY IN THE
PLACE HAS HIS EYE
ON YOU TONIGHT,
SWEETHEART.
Michael:
CAN WE ORDER?
SHOOT. BET IT'LL BE
THE FIRST TIME TONIGHT,
AM I RIGHT?
Woman:
[ Chortling ]
HA-HA. I'LL
HAVE THE CHICKEN-
FRIED STEAK.
NO REMARKS.
AND, UH,
HE'LL HAVE A
BACON CHEESEBURGER.
PLEASE.
PLEASE.
YOU GOTTA KEEP YOUR
STRENGTH UP, SUNSHINE.
YOU CAN'T CRUISE
ALL NIGHT ON AN
EMPTY STOMACH.
[ Chuckling ]
WHAT A FREAK!
YEAH, SHE TAKES
SOME GETTING
USED TO,
BUT ONCE YOU
DO, CAN'T HELP
BUT LOVE HER.
ONE CHICKEN-FRIED
STEAK WITH NO REMARKS,
COMING UP IN A FLASH.
THANKS, MOM.
YOU'RE WELCOME,
BABY.
[ Embarrassed chuckle ]
YOU'RE, LIKE,
SO LUCKY.
I AM?
YOUR MOM'S COOL
ABOUT YOU BEING GAY.
IF MINE FOUND
OUT, SHE'D
KILL ME.
AT LEAST IT GIVES HER
A SENSE OF PURPOSE.
I MEAN, WITHOUT
ME SHE'D BE
PLAYING BINGO
INSTEAD OF
ORGANIZING PRIDE
MARCHES AND...
HANDING
OUT CONDOMS.
DO YOU NEED
A RIDE?
UH, I BORROWED
A FRIEND'S CAR.
OH, YOU DON'T HAVE
A LITTLE BEEMER
OF YOUR OWN?
I'M WORKING ON IT.
JUST REMEMBER
WHAT I TOLD YOU
ABOUT BRIAN.
IF HE'S SUCH
A SELFISH PRICK,
HOW COME YOU'RE
ALWAYS FOLLOWING
HIM AROUND?
I'M NOT ALWAYS
FOLLOWING HIM
AROUND.
WE'RE BEST
FRIENDS.
WE ACCEPT
EACH OTHER FOR
WHO WE ARE,
NO JUDGEMENTS,
NO OBLIGATIONS,
NO QUESTIONS
ASKED.
YOU'RE JUST
WAITING FOR
HIM TO FINISH
JERKING YOU OFF.
WHAT?
YOU NEVER
GOT OFF.
THAT'S WHY YOU'RE
STILL HANGING
AROUND AFTER
ALL THESE YEARS.
GO ON, CHICKEN.
BACK TO YOUR COOP.
AND DON'T GO
LOOKING FOR HIM.
IT'LL JUST MAKE
THINGS WORSE.
READY, SWEETIE?
DID HE TAKE OFF?
JUST AS WELL.
HE WAS A LITTLE
TOO YOUNG FOR YOU.
HMM.
Melanie:
SHOULD I INVITE
MY COUSIN RITA?
WHICH ONE'S SHE?
YOU KNOW.
THE ONE WITH
THE, UH, OVERBITE
WHO NEVER APPROVED OF US?
OH, HER. MIGHT AS WELL.
SHE PROBABLY
WON'T COME ANYWAY.
OH...
THAT'S MY
GOOD BOY.
YOU KNOW,
IT'S FUNNY.
I USED TO SEE THESE
WOMEN FEEDING THEIR
KIDS, AND I'D THINK,
"UGH, WHAT
A TURN-OFF."
BUT WATCHING YOU...
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
YOU CAN'T BELIEVE HOW
CONNECTED YOU FEEL.
GOOD NIGHT,
SWEETIE.
NEXT TIME,
WE'LL FEED
HIM TOGETHER.
YOU CAN GIVE
HIM MY BREAST.
IT'S SO FULL.
[ Sighs of pleasure ]
I GUESS THAT'S
ALL WE CAN DO
FOR NOW.
OH, 34 GUESTS.
THAT'S A LOT.
NOT EVERYONE
WILL SHOW.
WELL, LET'S HOPE ONE
IN PARTICULAR DOESN'T.
Lindsay:
I HOPE WE WEREN'T
TOO HARD ON HIM.
WHO? BRIAN?
ALL THAT TALK
ABOUT THE INSURANCE.
IT ALMOST SOUNDED
LIKE WE WERE HOPING
SOMETHING MIGHT
HAPPEN TO HIM.
WE'RE JUST
BEING PRACTICAL.
I MEAN, HE'S
THE FATHER,
ISN'T HE?
IT ONLY MAKES
SENSE THAT HIS
SON SHOULD BE
HIS BENEFICIARY.
[ Clatter of typing ]
Lindsay:
I'M JUST SAYING MAYBE
WE SHOULD HAVE WAITED
UNTIL HE WAS OVER
THE INITIAL SHOCK.
HUH!
WHAT SHOCK?
YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO GAVE BIRTH.
ALL HE DID WAS
SHOW UP WITH HIS
LATEST TRICK.
AT LEAST HE
SHOWED UP.
[ Scoffing ]
CHRIST, IT
NEVER CEASES
TO AMAZE ME.
WHAT?
THE WAY YOU PUT
UP WITH HIS s**t.
[ Fussing of baby ]
SHHH.
I DON'T PUT
UP WITH IT.
LIKE HELL.
I UNDERSTAND IT...
HIM.
WHAT? THAT HE'S
A BIGGER INFANT
THAN HIS SON?
THAT HE DOES
EXACTLY WHAT
HE WANTS.
NO EXCUSES,
NO APOLOGIES.
I'VE ALWAYS
ADMIRED HIM
FOR THAT.
WELL, THEN
YOU CAN PUT
UP WITH IT.
I DON'T HAVE TO.
COME ON,
LET'S GO BACK
TO SLEEP...
FOR AN HOUR.
YES.
SO, YOU GOING
OUT CRUISING
AFTER YOU
DROP ME OFF?
NO. I'VE BEEN
INVITED TO AN
ALL-NIGHT ORGY.
WHOO! SOUNDS HOT.
HMM.
IF YOU MUST KNOW,
I AM GOING BACK TO
MY GAY APARTMENT,
TAKING OFF
MY GAY CLOTHES,
AND GETTING INTO
MY GAY BED.
YOU'RE IN A MOOD.
IT'S GODDAMN
BRIAN.
WHAT DID
HE DO THIS TIME?
NEVER MIND.
I WISH YOU WOULDN'T
LET HIM GET TO YOU.
BUT HE ALWAYS DOES.
THAT'S WHY I KEEP HOPING
THAT YOU'LL MEET SOMEBODY.
WHY ARE ALL
THE LIGHTS ON?
SOMETHING MUST BE
WRONG WITH VIC.
VIC!
BABY?
IS EVERYTHING
ALL RIGHT?
JUST COULDN'T
SLEEP.
HEY, MIKEY.
UNCLE VIC.
ARE YOU IN PAIN?
YEAH.
WHERE? TELL ME.
MY WALLET.
HOLY s**t!
WHAT IS IT?
IT'S THE MASTERCARD
BILL FROM OUR...
OUR TRIP TO ITALY.
FIRST-CLASS
AIRLINE TICKETS,
THE EXCELSIOR
IN ROME,
THE DIAMOND
AND CORAL EARRINGS
I BOUGHT YOU IN CAPRI.
THEY'RE ALL HERE.
THE PROBLEM IS,
SO AM I.
DON'T SAY THAT.
IT'S A MIRACLE
YOU'RE STILL ALIVE.
IT'S A MIRACLE
HOW I'M GONNA PAY
FOR ALL OF THIS.
HUSTLE?
Both:
[ Chuckling ]
Both:
[ Chuckling ]
[ ?????? ]
?? IT'S YOU,
YOU, YOU AGAIN ??
?? DREAMY CRUSH
WITH THE SUN COMING UP ??
?? GLANCE, LOOK, STARE, ??
?? STAKE IN MY HEART,
OH-HO-HO ??
?? IT BEATS SO FAST,
SO FAST IT STOPS ??
??
?? I THINK WE JAM LIKE JELL
?? JELLY BABY ??
?? COME ON,
MAKE IT HAPPEN ??
?? PEACH MALIBU ??
[ ?????? ]
Teenaged Brian's voice:
PATRICK SWAYZE
IS SO HOT!
??
?? EMPTY YOUR VESSEL FOR ME
?? 'CAUSE WE TRAVEL
TOGETHER ON BUS 43 ??
I GUESS WE'LL HAVE
TO TAKE CARE OF THAT.
?? EMPTY YOUR
VESSEL FOR ME ??
?? 'CAUSE WE TRAVEL... ??
PATRICK SWAYZE
IS SO HOT.
I'VE SEEN
"DIRTY DANCING",
LIKE, FIVE TIMES.
WHAT I WOULDN'T
GIVE TO f**k HIM.
DON'T SAY
THAT, BRIAN.
YOU'RE
SO PATHETIC.
FIRST I'D
UNZIP HIS FLY.
THEN I'D PULL
OUT HIS KING-
SIZED BONER.
PLAY WITH IT,
REAL SLOW.
OH, YEAH?
HEY, MIKEY...
YOU HAVE
A WOODIE.
I DO NOT.
YOU DO TOO.
WE'LL HAVE TO
DO SOMETHING
ABOUT THAT.
[ ?????? ]
?? GLANCE, LOOK, STARE ??
?? STAKE IN MY HEART,
OH-HO-HO ??
?? IT BEATS SO FAST,
SO FAST IT STOPS ??
HI, BABE.
MA! CAN'T YOU KNOCK?
I FORGOT TO TELL YOU
WE'RE HAVING A YARD SALE,
SO IF YOU
WANT TO THROW
ANYTHING OUT...
OH, DON'T TELL ME
YOU STILL HAVE A
CRUSH ONHIM.
I'D f**k YOU.
[ Buzzing of doorbell ]
TOP FLOOR. COME ON UP.
CHRIST!
I'M SORRY.
I-I DON'T
WANT TO...
YOU CAN'T JUST
DROP BY UNANNOUNCED.
I JUST WANT
TO TALK.
THERE'S NOTHING
TO TALK ABOUT.
PLEASE? I WON'T
STAY LONG. I...
I'LL JUST...
CAN I?
NO.
OH, s**t.
THE DOOR WAS
ABOUT TO SHUT
SO I...
SLIPPED IN.
PENTHOUSE.
NOT BAD.
WHO'S THIS?
NO ONE.
I HAVE TO SEE YOU.
I'M BUSY.
I DON'T MIND
A THREESOME,
ALTHOUGH HE'S
KIND OF YOUNG.
HE'S ALSO KIND
OF LEAVING.
WHO'S HE?
FORGIVE ME FOR
NOT INTRODUCING YOU.
JUSTIN, THIS
IS MR. GOODFUK.
MR. GOODFUK,
MAY I PRESENT
JUSTIN.
NAME IS GEORGE.
SORRY.
GEORGE GOODFUK.
YOU DON'T EVEN
KNOW HIM.
WELL, I WAS HOPING
TO GET TO.
NOW WHY DON'T
YOU JUST
SCAMPER ON HOME?
HE'S MY STALKER.
THAT WASN'T VERY KIND,
SENDING HIM OFF,
A KID THAT AGE,
BY HIMSELF
AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT.
WHO ARE YOU?
FATHER GOODFUK?
OH, ALL RIGHT.
MAKE YOURSELF
COMFORTABLE.
AND DON'T...
STEAL ANYTHING.
HEY. HEY!
I JUST LEFT
A COMPLETE STRANGER
ALONE IN MY APARTMENT
TO COME AND
TALK TO YOU,
SO DON'T RUN
AWAY FROM ME.
WE NEED TO
GET SOMETHING
STRAIGHT.
YOU DON'T DO
BOYFRIENDS.
OH. MIKEY'S BEEN
TALKING TO YOU.
YOU'LL f**k ANYONE.
HE'S UGLY.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM.
AND I...
I REALLY THOUG...
JUSTIN.
I'VE HAD YOU.
WHAT HAPPENED
LAST NIGHT...
IT WAS FOR FUN.
YOU WANTED ME
AND I WANTED YOU.
THAT'S ALL IT WAS.
A f**k?
WELL WHAT DID
YOU THINK IT WAS?
LOOK, I DON'T
BELIEVE IN LOVE.
I BELIEVE
IN f**king.
IT'S HONEST.
IT'S EFFICIENT.
YOU GET IN AND
OUT WITH A MAXIMUM
OF PLEASURE
AND A MINIMUM
OF bulls**t.
LOVE IS SOME-
THING THAT
STRAIGHT PEOPLE
TELL THEMSELVES
THEY'RE IN SO
THEY CAN GET LAID,
AND THEN THEY
END UP HURTING
EACH OTHER,
BECAUSE IT WAS
ALL BASED ON LIES
TO BEGIN WITH.
[ Sniffling ]
IF THAT'S
WHAT YOU WANT,
THEN GO AND FIND
YOURSELF A PRETTY,
LITTLE GIRL...
AND GET MARRIED.
THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT.
I WANT YOU.
YOU CAN'T HAVE ME.
I'M TOO O...
YOU'RE TOO
YOUNG FOR ME.
YOU'RE 17.
I'M 28.
29.
ALL RIGHT. 29.
ALL THE MORE REASON.
NOW GO DO
YOUR HOMEWORK.
?? WELL I COULD
SLEEP FOREVER ??
?? BUT IT'S OF HURT
I DREAM ??
[ Ignition of engine ]
?? IF I COULD
SLEEP FOREVER ??
?? I COULD FORGET
THE LAUGHTER THERE ??
[ ?????? ]
?? IF I COULD
SLEEP FOREVER ??
?? IF I COULD
SLEEP FOREVER ??
?? IF I COULD
SLEEP FOREVER ??
[ ?????? ]
?? COME ON ??
?? I WANNA HEAR IT ??
?? LET'S GET SOAKIN' WET ??
Michael: [ Narrating ]
ABOUT A WEEK AFTER
THEIR BABY WAS BORN,
THANKS IN PART TO THE
INVALUABLE CONTRIBUTION
OF BRIAN KINNEY,
LINDSAY AND MELANIE
HAD A PARTY.
THEY INVITED A HERD
OF THEIR NEAREST AND
DEAREST LESBIANS,
ASSORTED RELATIVES AND...
US, THE FRIENDS OF THE FATHER,
TO THEIR HOUSE.
IT WAS REALLY NICE,
THE SMELL OF BREAD BAKING
AND FRESH FLOWERS
EVERYWHERE YOU LOOKED,
NOT LIKE GOING TO ONE
OF MY FRIENDS' PLACES,
WITH THE SMELL
OF DIRTY LAUNDRY
AND STACKS OF PORN TAPES
EVERYWHERE YOU LOOKED.
AW...
I'M SCARED,
I BETTER BE
GOING INSIDE.
OKAY, WE'LL
SEE YOU INSIDE.
SEEING THEM IN
THEIR BEAUTIFUL HOME
WITH THEIR NEW BABY,
AND THEIR ARMS
AROUND EACH OTHER,
I WISHED FOR A MOMENT
THAT I TOO COULD BE A LESBIAN.
BUT THEN I REMEMBERED
I'D HAVE TO EAT p*s*y,
SO I SAID FORGET IT.
[ Quiet conversations ]
HEY, MICHAEL,
HOW YOU DOING?
MICHAEL.
OH, HI.
STILL, BEING
THERE THAT DAY,
I REALIZED HOW DIFFERENT
MEN AND WOMEN ARE.
AND I DON'T THINK IT
HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH
BEING GAY OR STRAIGHT.
IT'S THAT,
THE WAY I SEE IT,
WOMEN KNOW HOW TO COMMIT
TO EACH OTHER, MEN DON'T.
AT LEAST NOT
THE MEN I KNOW.
BUT I'M JUMPING AHEAD.
LET'S GO BACK AN HOUR.
[ Rewinding of music ]
[ Laboured breaths ]
I TOLD YOU, I'M NOT GOING
TO THE MUNCHERS' BRUNCH.
AND THAT'S FINAL.
LOOK, IT'S NOT
FOR THEM. IT'S
FOR YOUR SON.
[ Huffs ]
MY SON ?
HE'S ONLYMYSON
WHEN THEY WANTMYMONEY.
SO WHY
PUNISH HIM
BY NOT GOING?
LOOK, IT'S NOT AS IF
HE'S GOING TO KNOW
I'M NOT THERE.
YOU CAN'T BE SURE.
I READ SOMEPLACE...
WHERE? MARVEL COMICS?
...THAT INFANTS
RESPOND TO THINGS,
EVEN WHEN STILL
IN THE WOMB.
LIKE, FOR
INSTANCE,
TENSION AND
DISCORD AFFECT
THEM ADVERSELY,
WHILE PLAYING
MOZART AND
STUFF LIKE THAT
MAKES THEM
SUPER-SMART.
[ Dry chuckle ]
WELL, HOW DO YOU THINK
LISTENING TO
THE SOUND OF TWO DYKES
GO DOWN ON EACH OTHER
FOR THE PAST NINE MONTHS
HAS AFFECTED HIM?
CHRIST! HE'LL
PROBABLY GROW UP
TO BE STRAIGHT.
ALL THE MORE REASON
WHY HE NEEDS HIS DAD.
STOP ACTING
LIKE A...
WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?
...LIKE A CHILD AND...
BRIAN?
JESUS CHRIST, IT'S
LIKE 150 f**king
DEGREES IN HERE.
[ Panting ]
THERE YOU ARE.
WHAT?
WELL, I WAS JUST
ABOUT TO SAY
I THINK YOU
SHOULD RISE TO
THE OCCASION,
YOU KNOW, BE BIGGER
THAN THEY ARE.
THAT IS IF YOU
CAN TAKE YOUR HAND
AND YOUR MIND
OFF YOUR d*ck
LONG ENOUGH.
JESUS!
I-I'VE GOT
M-MORE IMPORTANT
THINGS TO DO.
NOW WHY DON'T
YOU GET OUT OF HERE
BEFORE YOUR MOUSSE MELTS?
AND IF ANYBODY
SHOULD ASK
WHERE YOU ARE?
JUST TELL THEM
THE USUAL.
SOMETHING
CAME UP.
[ Mixed chatter ]
Melanie:
OH, THAT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.
AUNT SHIRLEY,
SAY SOMETHING.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU'RE AT A LOSS
FOR WORDS.
I'M THRILLED
FOR YOU BOTH.
AND SUCH A LUCKY BOY
TO HAVE TWO MOTHERS.
WHAT'S HE NEED A
FATHER FOR ANYWAY?
YOUR UNCLE BEN
WAS A LOUSY FATHER;
NEVER HAD ANY TIME
FOR THE FAMILY,
ALWAYS CHASING WOMEN.
YOU'RE BETTER OFF BEING
LESBIANS BECAUSE...
WELL TAKE IT FROM ME,
A STIFF PRICK KNOWS
NO CONSCIENCE.
[ Chuckling ]
OH, GOD!
ISN'T HE
GORGEOUS?
HIS NAME'S
KATSUO.
Katsuo:
JEWS?
NO, NO, NO.
NO, JEWS.
JUICE. OKAY?
HE GIVES PACIFIC RIM
A WHOLE NEW MEANING.
WHERE'D YOU
FIND HIM?
HE FOUND ME.
I WAS HAVING
DRINKS IN THE
LIZARD LOUNGE,
HE COMES OVER, STARTS
CHATTERING AWAY.
ONLY HE
DOESN'T SPEAK
ANY ENGLISH,
AND THE ONLY
JAPANESE I KNOW IS
SONY AND TOYOTA.
SO HOW DO YOU
COMMUNICATE WITH HIM?
THERE'S OTHER WAYS
THAN TALKING.
WE ALL KNOW IT'S NOT POLITE
TO TALK WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL.
HMMM.
[ In Japanese ]
WARUI KEDO.
KANEGA IRUNDAYO.
KAKO NI KITARA
KANEO KURERUTTE
ITTADARO.
IT'S CALLED
CORNED BEEF,
SWEETIE.
IT'S A JEWISH
DELICACY. OKAY?
WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE
HE'S ACTUALLY SAYING?
WHAT'S IT MATTER?
WE'RE IN LOVE, LOVE, LOVE.
I'M GOING TO
WASH MY HANDS.
Katsuo:
[ In rapid
Japanese ]
KANE. KANE.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GO ASK MELANIE.
SHE'S FLUENT
IN SUSHI.
COME. COME.
COME. COME.
OKAY, HAVE A BAGEL.
MEL...
HI, MEL. OKAY. AND
CUT. THAT'S GREAT.
LOOK. WE
NEED YOU TO
TRANSLATE.
TALK TO
MELANIE.
MELANIE
SPEAK ALL
AXIS POWERS.
KANE O KURERUTTE
ITTADARO.
KANE O DASU
TO YAKUSUKO
SITA JANAIKA.
KANE ZEMBU
TSUKKACHIMATTAYO.
HE KEEPS
SAYINGKANE.
YEAH.
KANEMEANS MONEY.
HE'S SAYING HE EXPECTS
EMMETT TO PAY HIM.
FOR WHAT?
HE'S A GODDAMN
MALE PROSTITUTE.
[ Snort ]
OH s**t!
[ Pleading
in Japanese ]
KANE!
KANE. KANE.
MELANIE SAYS...
KANEMEANS...
LOVE. HE SAYS
HE LOVES YOUR VOICE.
IT'S LIKE
A SILENT WIND CHIME.
AND THAT YOUR SMILE
IS LIKE CHERRY BLOSSOMS
FLOATING ON A
STILL BREEZE.
T-THAT IS...
THAT IS THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL THING
THAT ANYONE HAS
EVER SAID TO ME.
OH, HERE HE IS.
CAN I HOLD HIM?
IT'S ALMOST TIME
FOR THE CEREMONY.
WHERE'S BRIAN?
HE COULDN'T
MAKE IT.
HE SAID TO TELL
YOU THAT, UH...
SOMETHING
CAME UP. HUMPH!
I CAN GUESS WHAT.
SHALL WE BEGIN?
THIS IS RABBI PROTESH.
HE'LL BE DOING THE BRIS.
OH, I LOVE
POT ROAST.
[ Chuckle ]
THAT'S BRISKET!
I BELIEVE IN
THE JEWISH FAITH
THE BRIS IS A
CIRCUMCISION
CEREMONY.
THAT'S CORRECT.
FIRST I GIVE
THE BOY CHILD
A LITTLE WINE,
THEN I SAY A
PRAYER OR TWO,
THEN I TAKE
MY SCALPEL
AND I REMOVE
HIS FORESKIN.
HE SAID THAT'S
ALL I WAS TO HIM.
JUST A f**k.
THAT'S A SHITTY
THING TO SAY.
AND THAT HE
DOESN'T WANT TO
SEE ME ANY MORE.
WHEN MY LAST
BOYFRIEND
DUMPED ME,
I DIDN'T HANG
AROUND FEELING
SORRY FOR MYSELF.
I WENT OUT AND
GOT A NEW ONE.
WHEN DID YOU
HAVE A BOYFRIEND?
THIRD GRADE?
LAST SUMMER.
YOU NEVER TOLD ME.
I'M TELLING
YOU NOW.
YOU SHOULD
HAVE SEEN HOW
JEALOUS HE GOT.
YOU CAN DO
THE SAME THING.
SHOW THAT BRIAN.
GO BACK DOWN
THERE TONIGHT.
PICK UP SOME
HOT, HUNKY GUY.
YOU'RE NOT
EXACTLY A TROLL,
YOU KNOW.
WOULD YOU
COME WITH ME?
WHAT IF SOME
LESBO TRIES
TO PICK ME UP?
I WOULDN'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO.
ALTHOUGH I LIKE
MELISSA ETHERIDGE
A LOT.
THINK THAT
MEANS ANYTHING?
Justin:
MAYBE.
JESUS.
[ Yelp ]
[ Giggle ]
WHAT IF HE HAD
A HEART ATTACK?
I MEAN,
I READ SOMEPLACE
THAT SOMETIMES
PEOPLE HAVE WEAK HEARTS,
AND THEY
DON'T KNOW...
HE JUST FAINTED.
LET ME THROUGH.
I-I'M A DOCTOR.
WHAT DO YOU
KNOW ABOUT
FAINTING?
YOU'RE A RETIRED
PODIATRIST.
WHAT? YOU DON'T THINK
ANYONE EVER FAINTED
IN MY OFFICE?
FROM A CORN?
AH, JUST
STAND BACK.
GIVE HIM
SOME ROOM.
ANYBODY GOT ANY, UH,
SMELLING SALTS?
HOW ABOUT
POPPERS?
WHAT ABOUT
HORSERADISH?
WE HAVE
SOME FOR THE
GEFILTE FISH.
IT'S WORTH
A SHOT.
[ Sharp inhalation ]
All:
[ Gasping ]
WHAT HAPPENED?
YOU FAINTED.
ESTELLE,
GET SOME ICE.
PUT IT ON
HIS FOREHEAD.
Estelle:
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
I DON'T MEAN
TO HURRY THINGS
ALONG, BUT...
I'M DOING
TWINS AT 3:00.
NO. I'LL BE
FINE. REALLY.
KANE ITTADARO.
HEY.
CALL ME
SOMETIME, HUH?
SURE...
BUDDY.
[ Beeping of cell phone ]
HOW'S THE PARTY?
YOU BETTER GET
YOUR a** OVER
HEREFAST.
WHY? WITH ALL
THOSE BULL
DYKES AROUND,
IS THERE
A SHORTAGE
OF BOTTOMS?
REMEMBER LINDSAY
AND MELANIE'S
INVITATION?
THE PART THAT
WAS IN HEBREW?
I JUST FOUND OUT
WHAT THAT MEANS.
Rabbi:
IN EVERY JEWISH
BOY'S LIFE,
THERE ARE
THREE STEPS TO
BECOMING A MAN.
FIRST HIS BRIS.
THEN HIS BAR MITZVAH.
AND FINALLY HIS MARRIAGE.
FOR 3,500 YEARS, THE
CIRCUMCISION RITUAL
HAS BEEN THE
FUNDAMENTAL SIGN
OF THE COVENANT
BETWEEN GOD AND ISRAEL.
MELANIE, WILL YOU
PLEASE PLACE YOUR SON
ON HIS MOTHER'S LAP?
OH MY GOD,
HE'S REALLY
GOING TO DO IT.
OKAY, I-I CAN'T...
WHERE'S BRIAN?
LOOKING AFTER
THE ONLY d*ck
THAT MATTERS,
HIS OWN.
Brian:
EXCUSE ME,
RABBI.
YOU TWO,
IN THE KITCHEN...
NOW!
WHAT THE HELL
DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE DOING?
BARGING IN HERE,
INTERRUPTING A
RELIGIOUS CEREMONY.
YOU SHOULD
HAVE ASKED MY
PERMISSION FIRST.
FOR WHAT?
TO CIRCUMCISE
MY SON.
WE DON'T HAVE TO ASK
YOUR PERMISSION.
WE'RE THE PARENTS.
AND I'M THE BIOLOGICAL
FATHER, AND THAT GIVES
ME MORE RIGHTS THAN YOU.
OH-HO-HO, I SEE SOMEONE'S
BEEN STUDYING HIS LAW.
LOOK, THIS IS NO TIME
TO BE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION,
WITH A HOUSE
FULL OF GUESTS...
YEAH, AND
SINCE WHEN
DID YOU START CARING
ABOUT YOUR SON?
CONSIDERING YOU HAVEN'T
BEEN TO SEE HIMONCE
SINCE HE WAS BORN.
WELL, I'M NOT
EXACTLY WELCOME.
OH bulls**t.
YOU'VE BEEN
TOO BUSY
f**king EVERYTHING
THAT MOVES!
CAN WE PLEASE
STOP THIS?
WHY DOES IT MATTER TO YOU
IF GUS IS CIRCUMCISED?
IT MATTERS THAT HE'S
BEEN IN THIS WORLD
LESS THAN A WEEK,
AND ALREADY THERE ARE
PEOPLE WHO WON'T ACCEPT
HIM FOR THE WAY HE IS,
WHO'D EVEN
MUTILATE HIM
RATHER THAN
LET HIM BE
THE WAY HE IS,
THE WAY HE WAS BORN.
WELL, I'M NOT GOING
TO LET THAT HAPPEN.
Rabbi:
EXCUSE ME.
UH, SHALL WE PROCEED?
???? [ Dance ]
YOU REALLY SHOWED
THOSE DYKES WHO'S
GOT THE LOW HANGERS.
AND FOR ONCE
IT WAS US.
MM-HMM.
DEB, CAN WE GET
SOME SERVICE?
KEEP YOUR
PANTS ON.
AT LEAST UNTIL
YOU'VE HAD
DINNER. HUH.
I'VE ALWAYS SAID
THERE'S ONLY TWO
REASONS TO BE FRIENDS
WITH LESBIANS.
THEY'LL NEVER TRY
TO CONVINCE YOU
THAT THE ONLY
REASON YOU'RE GAY
IS THAT YOU
HAVEN'T MET
THE RIGHT WOMAN.
AND, UH, THEY
KNOW HOW TO
CHANGE A FLAT.
[ Chuckle ]
IT WASN'T
ABOUT THEM.
IT'S ABOUT MY SON.
IF I DON'T LOOK OUT
FOR HIM, WHO WILL?
WOW! IF YOU'RE
NOT CAREFUL,
YOU MIGHT TURN OUT
TO BE AN ALL RIGHT DAD
IN SPITE OF YOURSELF.
TO BRIAN.
Emmett & Ted:
TO BRIAN.
OKAY, BOYS.
WHAT'LL IT BE?
NOTHING FOR ME,
THANKS.
EM, HONEY, YOU SHOULD TRY
TO EAT SOME OF YOUR PROTEIN
OFF A PLATE.
I READ THAT FOR
EVERY 30 POUNDS
YOU LOSE,
YOU GAIN AN
ENTIRE INCH
OF c**k.
SO IF YOU JUST DROP
ANOTHER 90 POUNDS,
YOU'LL HAVE
A FOUR-INCH PECKER.
WHAT ABOUT THE
REST OF YOU BOYS?
NOTHING FOR ME.
YOU KNOW,
I THINK I'LL PASS
RIGHT NOW,
THANKS.
I'M FINE.
CHEESEBURGER,
FRENCH FRIES.
CHOCOLATE SHAKE,
APPLE PIE.
[ Mixed chatter ]
I JUST KNOW IT TASTES GOOD.
THAT'S ALL I CARE ABOUT.
OH.
SORRY.
IT'S OKAY.
HEY, I KNOW
THAT GUY.
HE WORKS OUT
AT OUR GYM.
UH... BLAKE.
I THINK HE
LIKES YOU.
OH YEAH? HOW
CAN YOU TELL?
Michael:
'CAUSE HE'S
LOOKING BACK.
HE'S PROBABLY
JUST STRETCHING
HIS NECK.
WILL YOU
LISTEN TO YOU?
WHAT?
ALWAYS PUTTING
YOURSELF DOWN.
WELL, BETTER
ME THAN THEM.
I'M GENTLER.
DOESN'T SOUND
LIKE IT.
YOU KNOW, IT IS POSSIBLE
THAT SOMEONE COULD
ACTUALLY LIKE YOU,
YOU KNOW.
YEAH, IT'S
POSSIBLE.
HOWEVER
I'M SURE A STATISTICAL
ANALYSIS WOULD REVEAL
THAT THE PROBABILITY
OF A GUY NAMED BLAKE
WHO LOOKS LIKE THAT
ACTUALLY LIKING
A GUY NAMED TED
WHO LOOKS LIKE ME
TO BE IN THE
.05 PERCENTILE.
IN OTHER WORDS,
PRACTICALLY ZIP.
ANYWAY,
I'M SURE BRIAN'S
MORE HIS TYPE.
HOW DO YOU
KNOW THAT?
BECAUSE BRIAN'S
EVERYBODY'S TYPE,
WHICH EXPLAINS
WHY HE'S HAD
EVERYBODY.
WELL...
I KNOW, I KNOW,
EXCEPT FOR YOU.
WHICH IS KIND OF
WEIRD WHEN YOU
THINK ABOUT IT.
WEIRD? HE'S
MY BEST FRIEND.
SO?
SO EVERYBODY KNOWS
YOU DON'T HAVE SEX
WITH YOUR FRIENDS.
OH, RIGHT. YEAH.
SEX IS SOMETHING
YOU ONLY HAVE WITH
COMPLETE STRANGERS.
YEAH. PEOPLE
YOU'LL NEVER
SEE AGAIN,
UNLESS YOU JUST
BUMP INTO THEM
ON THE STREET,
BUT NEVER WITH SOMEONE
YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY
GIVE A s**t ABOUT.
WHO MADE UP
THESE CRAZY RULES
ANYWAY, HUH?
BEATS ME.
LET'S GO HAVE A DRINK.
YEAH, OR TWO
OR THREE.
YEAH.
LET'S GO.
HEY!
HOW ARE YOU?
Ted:
YOU THINK I'D LOOK
GOOD IN THAT?
OH MY GOD!
LOOK AT THAT.
IS IT A GIRL
OR A BOY?
I SAID DON'T POINT.
NO MATTER WHAT YOU SEE.
GUYS KISSING GUYS,
GIRLS KISSING GIRLS.
WELL, WHAT IF
I SEE A GUY AND A
GIRL KISSING, HUH?
THAT'D BE SOMETHING
DIFFERENT DOWN HERE.
AND STOP ACTING
LIKE YOU'RE SO
EXPERIENCED.
[ Snort ]
MORE THAN YOU.
DON'T FORGET
WHAT I SAID.
IF I SEE HIM,
PRETEND I DIDN'T.
DON'T EVEN LOOK.
THAT IS IF HE'S THERE,
WHICH HE'S PROBABLY NOT.
BUT IF HE IS,
DON'T LOOK.
SHOULD I FREEZE
THIS OR TOSS IT?
I'D RATHER NOT
HAVE IT AROUND
WHEN I'M TRYING TO
GET BACK INTO SHAPE.
SO HOW LONG IS THIS
GOING TO GO ON?
OR DO YOU PLAN NEVER TO
SPEAK TO ME EVER AGAIN?
WHAT WOULD YOU
LIKE ME TO SAY?
ANYTHING.
ALL RIGHT.
HOW ABOUT,
"I HAVE A HOUSE FULL
OF UNEATEN COLD CUTS
AND AN UNCIRCUMCISED SON."
HOW'S THAT?
OH. LOOK,
BRIAN'S GOING TO TAKE
OUT THE INSURANCE POLICY.
AT LEAST HE'S
AGREED TO DO THAT.
THAT'S SOMETHING,
ISN'T IT?
OH, A
CONSOLATION PRIZE.
IT WAS IMPORTANT
ENOUGH TO YOU
LAST WEEK.
SO WAS THIS AFTERNOON,
BUT NOW I HAVE
BEEN HUMILIATED
IN FRONT OF OUR FRIENDS,
MY RELATIVES, RABBI PROTESH.
WHERE'S
THE GODDAMN
PLASTIC WRAP?
AND YOU LET HIM DO IT.
ME?
YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO DECIDED TO
CALL OFF THE BRIS.
OF COURSE, I KNOW
IT'S NOT VERY IMPORTANT
TO YOU OR BRIAN,
BUT IT HAPPENS TO
BE A VERY IMPORTANT
RITUAL IN MY FAMILY.
YOU KNOW,
THERE ARE A
LOT OF MEN
WHO THINK CIRCUMCISION
IS A CRUEL AND
BARBARIC PRACTICE?
I DON'T CARE WHAT MEN
THINK ABOUT THEIR d*ckS.
I CARE THAT YOU PUT
BRIAN BEFORE ME.
BUT YOU KNOW, WHY
SHOULD I BE SURPRISED?
YOU ALWAYS HAVE.
OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.
ARE WE REALLY GOING TO
GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN?
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE
THIS CONVERSATION.
YEAH, AND
I DIDN'T
WANT BRIAN
TO BE THE BABY'S FATHER
IN THE FIRST PLACE.
BUT NO, YOU HAD TO
HAVE IT YOUR WAY.
IT HAD TO BE
BRIAN OR NO ONE.
SO NOW HE'S A PART
OF OUR LIVES FOREVER
WHETHER WE
LIKE IT OR NOT.
OKAY. WELL, I KNOW
WHAT I'M DOING TONIGHT.
WHAT ABOUT THE
REST OF YOU?
OH, s**t!
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
HONEY?
MY MOM'S HERE
WITH MY UNCLE VIC.
SHE DIDN'T TELL
ME SHE WAS GOING
TO COME HERE.
HEY, NOT EVERY
BOY'S LUCKY ENOUGH
TO HAVE A MOTHER
WHO'S EQUALLY
AT HOME IN
THE KITCHEN
AS SHE IS
IN A GAY BAR.
[ Heavy sigh ]
NOW YOU BEHAVE
YOURSELF.
AS USUAL,
BRIAN GETS ALL
THE BEAUTIES
WHILE WE GET
TO WATCH.
HE HASN'T
GOTTEN HIM YET.
HE WILL.
HE'S GOT THE WALK,
HE'S GOT THE TALK.
HE'S GOT
THE TATTOO.
BRIAN'S GOT
A TA...
WHERE'S BRIAN
GOT A TATTOO?
IN A PLACE
YOU'LL NEVER SEE.
DOUBLE s**t!
WHAT NOW?
IT'S HIM!
OUR TEEN STALKER.
CHRIST! WHY WON'T
HE JUST GO AWAY?
REMEMBER ME?
TURN AROUND.
I NEVER
FORGET A BUTT,
ESPECIALLY
A CUTE ONE.
Debbie & Vic:
[ Chuckling ]
I MET YOU IN THE DINER
WITH MICHAEL LAST WEEK.
YEAH. I'M JUSTIN.
THIS IS DAPHNE.
HI.
HI, DAPHNE.
WHAT'S HE DOING?
TALKING TO YOUR MOM.
WHAT?
WHOO-HOO!
YOU KNOW,
I'M ACTUALLY LOOKING FOR
A FRIEND OF MICHAEL'S.
HIS NAME'S BRIAN.
COULD'VE GUESSED THAT.
HONEY, EVERYBODY'S
LOOKING FOR BRIAN.
HAVE YOU SEEN HIM?
[ Clicking
of tongue ]
Daphne:
THAT'S BRIAN?
GOD,
HE'S SO OLD!
Daphne:
AND SKINNY!
YOU COULD DO
WAY BETTER
THAN THAT.
WOULD YOU SHUT UP?
FIVE BUCKS
HE NAILS HIM
BEFORE MIDNIGHT?
Vic:
YOU'RE ON.
I AM NOT
BABYSITTING
HIM AGAIN.
THIS TIME
HE'S ALL YOURS.
WHAT?
HE'S OVER THERE
TALKING TO MY MOTHER,
THE LITTLE PRICK!
LEAVE HIM ALONE.
HE'S ALL RIGHT.
EXCUSE ME?
THE NOISE IS
SO LOUD IN HERE
I THOUGHT
I HEARD YOU SAY
HE'S ALL RIGHT.
IN FACT...
HE'S KIND
OF SWEET.
SWEET?
I THOUGHT WE
GOT RID OF HIM.
I THOUGHT
HE WAS OUT
OF OUR LIVES.
WHERE'D HE GO?
WHO?
WHO DO YOU THINK?
s**t. HE'S GONE.
AND THIS IS
ALL YOUR FAULT.
YOU MADE ME
LOOK AWAY.
OH, f**k YOU,
MICHAEL!
WHAT'S
EATING HIM?
OR ISN'T?
[ Chuckle ]
NONE OF YOUR
BUSINESS!
YOU WATCH
YOUR MOUTH.
WHY DO YOU HAVE
TO COME HERE?
WELL, VIC WAS
FEELING BETTER
SO WE THOUGHT WE'D
COME HAVE A DRINK.
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
THE BIG DEAL IS I CAME HERE
TO HANG OUT WITH MY FRIENDS,
NOT MY MOTHER!
SWEETIE,
YOU KNOW I APPROVE
OF YOUR LIFESTYLE.
MAYBE I DON'T
WANT YOU TO APPROVE.
MAYBE I WANT
YOU TO GO
HOME AND CRY.
[ Screeching of brakes ]
[ Horn honks ]
f**k ME.
LOVE TO!
Tracy:
WHAT, JUST DANCING?
WELL, CAN'T
WE DO SOME-
THING ELSE?
MIKE?
TRACY!
IT IS YOU!
[ Giggling ]
ISN'T THIS WILD?
YEAH.
REALLY WILD.
OH, MY
FRIENDS AND I,
WE THOUGHT WE'D
HAVE A LITTLE
ADVENTURE.
HEY.
YOU ALWAYS
HEAR ABOUT THIS PLACE,
BUT WHO EVER COMES HERE?
NOT ME!
Both:
[ Chuckling ]
UNTIL TONIGHT.
I MEAN, I-I'M HERE
WITH A FRIEND.
YOU KNOW, GAY FRIEND.
YOU KNOW, JUST A FRIEND.
SINCE HIGH SCHOOL,
ACTUALLY.
WE HAVE THIS
KIND OF FOREIGN
EXCHANGE PROGRAMME.
I TAKE HIM TO
FOOTBALL GAMES
AND BEER BUSTS,
AND HE TAKES ME
TO THE OPERA,
AND WINE-TASTING.
YEAH.
[ Chuckling ]
SO, WHY DON'T
WE ALL GO
FOR A DRINK?
SAFETY IN
NUMBERS.
[ Stammering ]
I, UH...
I'M A LITTLE BEAT.
I WAS ON MY WAY HOME.
OH, WELL,
SOUNDS LIKE
A GOOD IDEA.
YOU KNOW,
STICK AROUND
HERE TOO LONG,
YOU MIGHT WIND UP
SWITCHING TEAMS!
[ Forced laughter ]
I LOST HIM.
f**k!
THIS IS MY FRIEND,
BRIAN.
BRIAN, THIS
IS TRACY...
UM, YOU KNOW.
FROM THE STORE.
TRACY.
OF COURSE.
FROM THE STORE.
HE TALKS ABOUT
YOU ALL THE TIME.
HE DOES?
I MEAN,
ALL THE TIME.
OKAY!
[ Chuckling ]
TIME TO GO.
WHAT'S
THE RUSH?
SHE'S EVEN
PRETTIER THAN
YOU SAID...
MIKE!
YOU KNOW, HE'D NEVER
TELL YOU THIS HIMSELF.
HE'S FAR TOO SHY.
HE LIKES YOU.
A LOT.
WELL, UH...
Michael:
I THINK IT'S
TIME WE TOOK OFF.
UH, BYE,
TRACY. I'LL JUST
SEE YOU MONDAY.
YEAH, I'LL SEE
YOU MONDAY.
WHAT THE
f**k DID YOU
DO THAT FOR?
YOU PRACTICALLY
GOT US ENGAGED.
WELL I WANT TO DANCE
WITH THE BRIDE
AT HER WEDDING.
[ Slapping of pants ]
AND TRACY TOO.
OH s**t.
BY THE WAY,
WHERE'D MICHAEL GO?
WHAT TIME IS IT?
11:00 O'CLOCK.
TIME FOR BABYLON.
NIGHT'S JUST STARTING.
WELL THAT'S JUST
WHERE WE'RE GOING.
YOU'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE?
SURE. A LOT!
Vic:
REALLY?
I DIDN'T KNOW
THEY HAD KIDDIE MEMBERSHIPS.
YOU HAVE TO
BE A MEMBER?
CAN'T GET IN
WITHOUT A CARD.
[ Sighing ]
Vic:
HERE.
YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
I'M THROUGH WITH IT.
HE'S PAID
HIS DUES.
THANKS!
???? [ Dance ]
Bouncer:
I.D.?
Justin:
UH, RIGHT HERE.
BORN 1952?
YOU LOOK
DAMN GOOD FOR
YOUR AGE, VIC.
???? [ Dance ]
YOU WANNA GO?
WHAT FOR?
WE JUST GOT HERE.
ALL RIGHT. COME ON.
[ Brian ]
JESUS. AH!
WHAT WOULD YOU
DO IF YOU ACTUALLY
HAD TO GO?
FIND A
SCAT QUEEN.
GROSS.
YOUR MA NEVER
TEACH YOU TO
WASH YOUR HANDS?
[ Snorting ]
[ Grunting ]
CAREFUL,
IT'S STRONG.
[ Snorting deeply ]
[ Chuckling ]
NICE.
I GOT IT FROM
TOMMY HAGGER.
HE CAN GET
ANYTHING.
HE GOT ME THAT
"SUPERMAN" EPISODE
WITH GEORGE REEVES,
THE ONLY ONE EVER
SHOT IN COLOR.
IT'S SO ANCIENT
YOU CAN EVEN
SEE THE STRINGS.
OH, DID I TELL
YOU WHAT I
GOT ON E-BAY?
A VINTAGE MEGO,
LYNDA CARTER,
WONDER WOMAN DOLL.
MINT, IN BOX.
IT COST ME
AN ENTIRE WEEK'S SALARY,
BUT IT WAS SO WORTH IT.
[ Chuckling ]
MIKEY, YOU ARE
SO PATHETIC.
[ Inhaling ]
I ALSO GOT
THAT PHOTO;
THE ONE OF
PATRICK SWAYZE
WITH HIS SHIRT OFF.
REALLY?
IT MUST BE ALL
YELLOW BY NOW.
CUM STAINS
ALL OVER IT.
HE'S STILL
BEAUTIFUL.
WE OWE IT
ALL TO HIM.
WE SHOULD
WRITE HIM A
FAN LETTER.
I DID.
NO!
[ Chuckling ]
REALLY?
WHEN?
A LONG TIME AGO.
WHAT DID
YOU SAY?
I DON'T REMEMBER.
"MY FRIEND AND I
THINK YOU'RE SO HOT!"
HE NEVER
WROTE BACK.
[ Chuckling ]
f**k HIM.
YOU STILL GOT ME.
[ Chuckling ]
WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
[ Nervous chuckle ]
NOTHING.
IT MUST BE
THE TRAIL MIX.
YEAH.
MUST BE.
[ Snort ]
COME ON.
LET'S GO BACK.
???? [ Dance ]
COME ON. GO UP
THE STAIRS, OVER THERE.
LET'S CHECK
OUT THE BAR.
MAYBE THAT GUY
YOU MADE ME
LOSE IS THERE.
I DIDN'T MAKE
YOU LOSE HIM.
TIME TO ORGANIZE
A SEARCH PARTY.
WHO'S MISSING?
KATSUO!
I WAS TALKING TO
DUNGEONMASTER DON,
WHO WANTS TO
MUMMIFY ME.
HAVE YOU NOTICED
THAT THE WORLD'S
GETTING WEIRDER?
ANYWAY,
I TURNED AROUND
AND HE WAS GONE.
I HAVE A FEELING
HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
HE DOESN'T
SPEAK A WORD
OF ENGLISH.
A-AND HE'S SO SWEET,
SO INNOCENT.
WHAT IF SOME c**k-HUNGRY QUEEN
TRIES TO HAVE HIS WAY WITH HIM?
I THOUGHT YOU
ALREADY DID.
Michael:
HE'S AROUND
SOMEWHERE.
I'M SURE
YOU'LL FIND HIM.
THANKS.
TARGET SIGHTED.
ALL SYSTEMS GO.
SEE YOU LATER, MIKEY.
HEY, HOW YOU DOING?
GOOD, GLAD TO HEAR IT.
Ted:
HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?
AH, NO COMPLAINTS, THANKS.
HEY, UH, CAN I
BUY YOU A DRINK?
YEAH,
I'LL TAKE A BEER.
[ Giggling ]
OH, IT'S YOU.
OH, f**k YOU!
WHAT ARE YOU ON?
NOTHING!
A LITTLE OF
BRIAN'S MIX.
ANY LUCK?
OH, I'M HEADING
FOR AN ALL-TIME
SEASON RECORD.
EIGHT STRAIGHT,
ACTUALLY, MAKE THAT
NOT-SO-STRAIGHT,
NO-HITTERS.
BLAKE JUST
WINKED AT YOU.
HE'S GOT SOME
CRYSTAL METH
IN HIS EYE.
Michael:
HE DID
IT AGAIN!
I TOLD YOU,
HE LIKES YOU!
WHY DON'T YOU
JUST GO AND ASK
HIM TO DANCE?
'CAUSE HE'LL JUST
SAY, "COME BACK
WHEN YOU GET A
HAIR TRANSPLANT
AND SOME
LIPOSUCTION."
YOU DO NOT
NEED A HAIR
TRANSPLANT
AND LIPOSUCTION.
BESIDES, NOBODY
WOULD BE THAT
CRUEL TO YOU,
EXCEPT MAYBE
YOURSELF.
YEAH, WELL, I'M
GONNA TAKE OFF.
OH, COME ON.
IT'S TOO EARLY!
YEAH, OR TOO
LATE, DEPENDING
WHICH SIDE OF
THE DANCE FLOOR
YOU HAPPEN TO
BE STANDING ON.
WELL MAYBE
YOU SHOULD TRY
GOING AFTER,
YOU KNOW,
SOMEONE...
WELL, LIKE...
LIKE YOU,
AND NOT
SOMEONE...
YOUNG AND CUTE?
THANKS.
THAT'S NOT HOW
I MEANT IT!
HELL, I
SHOULD TALK.
I CAN'T GET ANY-
BODY INTERESTED
IN ME EITHER.
YEAH, BUT
YOU COULD IF
YOU WANTED.
[ Sighing ]
YOU'RE WORTH SO
MUCH MORE THAN
YOU KNOW, MICHAEL.
I'LL CALL YOU TOMORROW.
LOOK!
THERE HE IS.
THERE'S BRIAN.
s**t!
Blake:
DIDN'T WANT
TO DANCE?
OH, UH...
YEAH, I'M NOT
MUCH OF A DANCER.
ALTHOUGH, I-I
ENJOY DANCING.
I-I DIDN'T
REALIZE YOU
WERE ASKING...
YOU TAKING OFF?
YEAH.
YEAH, YOU KNOW,
SOMETIMES IT JUST, UH...
UH, IT GETS A
LITTLE TOO...
INTENSE?
INTENSE, YEAH.
THAT'S... HEH!
THAT'S A
GOOD WORD.
YEAH, I KNOW
WHAT YOU MEAN.
SOMETIMES IT GETS
A LITTLE TOO INTENSE
IN THERE FOR ME TOO.
YOU GOING HOME?
DO YOU WANT SOME COMPANY?
WELL, YOU KNOW,
IT'S... IT'S...
IT'S A LITTLE LATE.
AND UH....
SURE.
ARE YOU SURE?
SURE... I MEAN,
I-IF YOU'RE SURE?
[ Laughing ]
I'M SURE.
[ Stammering ]
I'M, UH...
WELL THEN.
[ Laughing ]
[ Chuckling ]
???? [ Dance ]
WHAT IS THE
MEANING OF THIS?
KANE. KANE.
KANE! KANE!
[ Ringing of telephone ]
HELLO?
HOW DO YOU SAY
"TACKY LITTLE
c**ksucker"
IN JAPANESE?
DO YOU KNOW
WHAT TIME IT IS?
Lindsay:
IT'S OKAY,
SWEETIE.
WHO WAS THAT?
EMMETT.
I THINK HE
JUST FOUND OUT
WHATKANEMEANS.
[ Crying of baby ]
OH.
I'M SORRY
I WOKE YOU,
AND THE BABY.
I KNOW YOU
NEED YOUR REST.
I WAS UP ANYWAY.
YOU WERE?
SO WAS I.
I WAS THINKING ABOUT
ALL THE TERRIBLE
THINGS I SAID.
NO, I SHOULD'VE
STOOD UP TO HIM.
I SHOULD'VE.
NO, IT WAS BEST
TO BE PRACTICAL.
I MEAN, THIS
WAY, GUS...
[ Shuddering ]
HOW AM I EVER
GOING TO GET USED
TO THAT NAME?
...MAY KEEP
HIS FORESKIN
BUT STILL BE
PROVIDED FOR.
LOOK, IT DOESN'T MATTER
WHO'S RIGHT.
WE CAN'T ALLOW BRIAN
TO COME BETWEEN US,
AS MUCH AS
HE'D LIKE TO.
AND YOU KNOW
HE WOULD.
EVEN IF HE IS THE FATHER,
WE'RE STILL THE PARENTS.
YOU AND ME.
GUS BELONGS
TO US.
THAT'S WHY
WE HAD HIM.
WHY YOU HAD HIM.
ASIDE FROM
SAYING "PUSH"
AND "BREATHE,"
I REALLY DIDN'T
HAVE THAT MUCH
TO DO WITH IT.
YOU HAD EVERYTHING
TO DO WITH IT.
I NEVER WOULD
HAVE HAD HIM
WITHOUT YOU.
JUST
REMEMBER THAT,
NEXT TIME YOU'RE
WONDERING WHO
COMES FIRST.
OH.
???? [ Dance ]
YOU KNOW, THE WORST
PART IS NOT THAT
HE WAS UNFAITHFUL,
OR EVEN A SLUT.
I MEAN, NOBODY'S
PERFECT.
IT'S THAT
HE SAID HE
LOVED ME.
I MEAN,
HELIEDTO ME!
HOW COULD HE
LIE TO YOU?
HE DOESN'T
SPEAK ENGLISH.
LOOK, I'M
THE ONE WHO
TOLD YOU THAT.
I'M SORRY.
MY OWN FAULT.
WHY DO I ALWAYS GIVE MY
HEART AWAY TO TRASH, HUH?
BECAUSE YOU
WANT TO SEE IT
IN THE DUMPSTER?
HE'S NOT GETTING
AWAY THIS TIME.
[ Jingling of keys ]
[ Chuckling ]
IT'S A
NICE PLACE.
YOU OWN IT?
OH, ABSOLUTELY.
YOU KNOW, YOUR
HOME IS YOUR
MOST IMPORTANT
INVESTMENT.
IT'S WHAT WE
TELL OUR CLIENTS.
DO YOU WANT
A... A BEER,
OR SOME SCOTCH?
NO, JUST
SOME WATER.
I DON'T DRINK.
WELL, UH, TAKE
OFF YOUR JACKET.
I-I'LL BE
RIGHT BACK.
HERE YOU GO.
THANKS.
[ Sighing ]
[ Chuckling ]
YOU'RE SEXY,
YOU KNOW THAT?
[ Sighing ]
YEAH...
FRANKLY, NO.
THAT'S WHY
YOU ARE.
BECAUSE
YOU DON'T
KNOW YOU ARE.
WELL, I
DO KNOW...
THAT YOU ARE
BEAUTIFUL.
???? [ Dance ]
BASTARD.
HE DOESN'T EVEN
HAVE TO TRY.
Daphne:
LOOK, HE'S
GOT SOMEONE.
HOLD IT.
YOU'RE NOT GOING?
NO WAY.
WHAT IS THAT?
IT'S GHB.
YOU EVER USE IT?
ONCE IN A WHILE.
SEX IS AWESOME
WITH IT.
YOU FIRST.
AH...
GO ON.
[ Clicking of
tongue/chuckling ]
WHOA-WHOA-
WHOA-WHOA!
I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING.
HE'S NOT!
HE CAN'T!
HE CAN.
Emmett:
HOW DOES HE DO IT?
WHAT DOES HE SAY?
WE'LL NEVER KNOW.
BUT WHATEVER IT
IS, HE SAYS IT
FOR ALL OF US.
HEY, ARE YOU
ALL RIGHT?
YEAH.
IS HE GONNA
DO IT WITH
BOTHOF THEM?
HE CAN DO ANY-
THING HE WANTS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
?? ...'CAUSE EVERY TIME
HE PULLS ME NEAR ??
?? I JUST WANNA CHEER ??
?? LET'S HEAR IT
FOR THE BOY ??
?? LET'S GIVE
THE BOY A HAND ??
?? LET'S HEAR IT
FOR MY BABY ??
?? OH, YOU GOTTA
UNDERSTAND ??
?? WHOA-OH, OH,
MAYBE HE'S NO ROMEO ??
?? BUT HE'S MY LOVIN'
ONE-MAN SHOW ??
?? WHOA, WHOA-OH-OH ??
?? LET'S HEAR IT
FOR THE BOY ??
?? MY BABY MAY
NOT BE RICH ??
?? HE'S WATCHIN'
EVERY DIME ??
?? BUT HE LOVES ME,
LOVES ME, LOVES ME ??
?? WE ALWAYS HAVE
A REAL GOOD TIME ??
?? AND MAYBE HE
SINGS OFF-KEY ??
?? WELL THAT'S
ALL RIGHT BY ME ??
?? 'CAUSE WHEN HE DOES,
HE DOES SO WELL ??
?? IT MAKES ME
WANNA YELL... ??
WHAT'S THAT
BOY DOING?
?? LET'S GIVE
THE BOY A HAND ??
Blake:
OH GOD! STOP!
Ted:
[ Gagging ]
OH MY GOD, STOP!
MY GOD, STOP!
TED!
OH MY GOD.
[ Choking ]
TED!
?? 'CAUSE WHEN HE DOES,
HE DOES SO WELL ??
?? IT MAKES ME
WANNA YELL ??
?? LET'S HEAR IT
FOR THE BOY ??
?? LET'S GIVE
THE BOY A HAND ??
?? LET'S HEAR IT
FOR MY BABY ??
?? OH, YOU GOTTA
UNDERSTAND ??
?? WHOA-OH, OH,
MAYBE HE'S NO ROMEO ??
?? BUT HE'S MY LOVIN'
ONE-MAN SHOW ??
?? WHOA, WHOA-OH-OH ??
?? LET'S HEAR IT
FOR THE BOY ??
?? LET'S HEAR IT
FOR MY BABY ??
?? WHOA! LET'S HEAR IT
FOR MY MAN ??
?? LET'S HEAR IT
FOR THE BOY ??
?? OH, LET'S HEAR IT
FOR MY BABY ??
?? LET'S HEAR IT
FOR MY BABY ??
?? WHOO-OO ??
?? LET'S HEAR IT
FOR THE BOY ??
?? LET'S HEAR IT
FOR MY MAN ??
?? WHOA, LET'S HEAR
IT FOR MY MAN ??
?? LET'S HEAR IT
FOR MY BABY ??
ONE, TWO, THREE...
ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, FIVE, SIX,
TAKE IT TO THE...
????
Michael: [ Narrating ]
IN CASE YOU WEREN'T THERE,
I GOTTA TELL YA,
LAST SATURDAY NIGHT
AT BABYLON WAS...
TO DIE FOR.
Emmett:
WOULD SOMEBODY
PLEASE SAY
SOMETHING?
Michael:
OKAY. SO
IT'S LATE,
AND I'M
LEAVING BABYLON,
AND THERE'S THIS
REALLY HOT GUY...
????
Michael:
AND HE'S LIKE, PERFECT.
HOW PERFECT?
PERFECT.
AND WE END UP...
AT MY PLACE.
SO I WORK WITH
EMOTIONALLY
DISTURBED KIDS,
AND I REALLY
LOVE IT.
AND I'M THE CAP-
TAIN OF THE GAY
WATER POLO TEAM.
YOU'RE REALLY
WELL-ROUNDED.
Michael:
SO WE'RE MAKING OUT,
AND IN MY MIND I'M PIC-
TURING HIM IN A SPEEDO
WITH THE FLAG ON IT.
SAY, HAVE
YOU EVER BEEN
TO BRAZIL?
UM, NO.
HAVE YOU?
I JUST CAME
BACK. IT'S
FABULOUS.
GREAT BEACHES,
I HEAR.
YEAH.
ONLY, THEY HAVE
THESE THINGS.
THINGS?
PARASITE THINGS.
THEY LIVE IN THE SAND
AND THEY SORT OF...
BURROW THEMSELVES
RIGHT UP IN THERE.
Michael:
HE HAD THEM.
BRAZILIAN BEACH
PARASITES IN HIS a**!
OH, GOD!
WELL, AT LEAST YOU
FOUND OUT BEFORE
YOU GOT TOO FAR.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
WE WERE JUST
GETTING STARTED.
????
I FEEL LIKE A
1991 MADONNA VIDEO.
UM, DO YOU
HAVE THIS IN
A SIZE LARGER?
[ Gasping ]
CAN WE HURRY
THIS ALONG?
I'VE GOT A BRIDE
AND GROOM TO DO
IN THE MORNING.
SO YOU'RE BI?
NO.
THEY'RE DEAD.
CAR CRASH.
YOU WENT HOME WITH...
AN UNDERTAKER,
MM-HMM.
I FUCKED AN
UNDERTAKER ONCE.
YOU DID? WHEN?
HE TOLD ME SOMETIMES
THEY SEW THE MOUTHS SHUT.
[ Grunt of disgust ]
WHAT ABOUT
YOU, BRIAN?
WHAT'D YOU DO?
????
I MADE IT AN
EARLY EVENING.
YOU KNOW, UM,
WHEN I GO,
PROMISE YOU WON'T
LET THEM SEW
MY MOUTH SHUT?
BECAUSE WHEN
I GET TO HEAVEN
AND I MEET NATALIE WOOD
I WANT TO BE ABLE TO SAY
"NATALIE! IT'S EMMETT!
WHAT HAPPENED
THAT NIGHT?"
All:
[ Laughing ]
Debbie:
HEY!
SHOULDN'T YOU BOYS BE
GETTING TO THE HOSPITAL?
Michael:
SCHMIDT, TED.
Nurse:
ARE YOU FAMILY?
FRIENDS. UH, WE
KNOW HE'S LIKE, IN A
COMA AND EVERYTHING,
WE'D JUST LIKE TO
BE WITH HIM FOR
A LITTLE WHILE,
IF THAT'S OKAY.
I'LL SEE.
THE NURSE'S
STATION.
I USED TO THINK
IT HAD SOMETHING
TO DO WITH RADIO.
"ALL NURSING,
ALL THE TIME."
Woman:
HELLO.
I'M MARGARET
SCHMIDT.
I'M TED'S
MOTHER.
IF YOU NEED
PERMISSION TO SEE
HIM, I'LL GIVE IT.
I... I'M SURE HE'D
APPRECIATE IT.
I'M MICHAEL.
THIS IS EMMETT
AND BRIAN.
WE'RE TED'S
FRIENDS.
HE'S STILL IN THE COMA.
HE LOOKS LIKE HE DID
WHEN HE WAS A BOY.
WHEN HE SLEPT.
THEY DON'T THINK HE'LL
COME OUT OF IT.
I SAT BY
HIS BED...
ALL NIGHT.
ABOUT 5:00 O'CLOCK
IN THE MORNING IT
OCCURRED TO ME...
LOVING SOMEONE'S
NOT THE SAME AS
KNOWING THEM.
????
BRIAN!
[ Chirping of birds ]
Woman:
JUSTIN?
JUSTIN,
YOU'RE LATE!
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M UP, I'M UP.
YOU GOT
10 MINUTES.
I'M TAKING A
SHOWER, OKAY?
[ Splashing of shower ]
????
I'M OUT OF
SHAMPOO.
I'LL GET YOU SOME.
[ Beeping of monitor ]
WHO DO YOU THINK IT WAS?
I MEAN, WHO, UH,
GAVE HIM THE DRUGS?
I BET IT WAS THAT
GUY, BLAKE, WHO WAS
CRUISING HIM ALL NIGHT.
- THINK WE SHOULD TELL SOMEONE?
- NO.
HIS MOM SAID
SHE'D CALL US
IF THERE WAS
ANY CHANGE.
YOU KNOW,
HE'S A FIRST.
THE FIRST ALMOST DEAD GUY
I SORT OF HAD SEX WITH.
YOU HAD SEX WITH TED?
YOU NEVER HAD
SEX WITH TED.
WHEN DID YOU
HAVE SEX WITH...
SORT OF SEX.
AT THIS
SEMI-ORGY.
"SEMI"? WHEN?
YOU KNOW, THAT WEEK-
END THAT JOHN-JOHN'S
PLANE WENT DOWN?
OH, GOD. THEY
KEPT SHOWING HIM
ON THE BEACH
WITH HIS SHIRT OFF.
I DIDN'T KNOW
WHETHER TO JERK
OFF OR WEEP.
SO DID...
SO DID YOU LIKE, PLAN IT?
IT JUST SORT OF HAPPENED.
THINGS DO.
IT WAS SCOTT AND
KEVIN, THE TODDS.
AND TED SHOWS
UP WITH MY TAXES
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN
WE'RE ALL DOING IT
AND... HE EVEN
TRIED TO f**k ME.
HE'S IN THERE!
HIS LIFE'S
LIKE THIS DOT
ON A SCREEN.
AND IT
COULD BE US.
NO, IT COULD NOT BE US.
BECAUSE WE KNOW BETTER.
WE KNOW NOT TO BELIEVE
PRETTY LITTLE BLONDE BOYS
WHO TELL YOU THAT
"IT'S REALLY GOOD s**t."
BECAUSE THAT'S
WHAT THEY
ALL SAY.
TED DIDN'T
KNOW THAT.
AND HE DIDN'T KNOW
THAT YOU ONLY DO
DRUGS WITH YOUR FRIENDS
BECAUSE THEY'RE THE
ONLY ONES THAT GIVE
A f**k ABOUT YOU!
NOW I'VE TO
GO TO WORK.
I HAVE TO BE BRILLIANT.
F. SCOTT FITZGERALD.
CLASSIC PROFILE,
FAMOUSLY HANDSOME.
AND "THE GREAT GATSBY",
WHICH CAPTURES
A PARTICULAR
AMERICAN YEARNING,
AND WHAT DO
I MEAN BY
THAT, HMM?
JUSTIN?
UH, YEARNING'S
WHEN YOU WANT
SOMETHING
REALLY BADLY.
LIKE...
SO BAD IT HURTS.
Teacher:
EXACTLY.
IT NEEDS TO HURT TO
BE WORTHY OF THE WORD.
OTHERWISE, IT'S
JUST WANTING.
AS REPRESENTED
IN THE "GATSBY"
BY THE GREEN
LIGHT ACROSS
THE WATER.
YOU CAN SEE
IT BUT YOU
CAN'T TOUCH IT.
MR. HOBBS!
MR. HOBBS, ARE
YOUR PARENTS
REALLY PAY-
ING FOR YOU
TO HAVE ANOTHER
TESTOSTERONE
OUTBURST?
I WASN'T DOING
ANYTHING.
EXACTLY.
BUT YOU WILL
BE AFTER SCHOOL.
I HAVE FOOTBALL
PRACTICE.
NOT TODAY.
TODAY YOU'LL BE CLEANING
OUT THE ATHLETIC ROOM.
THE ONLY THING
WE FIGHT ABOUT
IN THIS ROOM,
MR. HOBBS...
IS INTERPRETATION.
MRS. SCHMIDT,
WE'RE GOING
TO WORK.
I-IF YOU WANT YOU
CAN CALL ME ON MY
CELL PHONE, IF...
THEY SAID
HE TOOK AN
OVERDOSE
OF A... A DRUG I'VE
NEVER HEARD OF.
WELL, H-HE WASN'T
A... A DRUG USER.
HE MUST'VE
MET SOMEONE
THAT NIGHT...
A-AND TOOK HIM HOME.
MAY I ASK YOU
SOMETHING, MICHAEL?
SURE.
IF MY SON HAD
BEEN STRAIGHT,
IF HE HAD TAKEN
A WOMAN HOME,
DO YOU THINK SHE WOULD
HAVE RUN OFF
AND LEFT HIM
THERE TO DIE?
NEED SOME HELP?
THIS SUCKS.
YEAH. THEY NEED
YOU AT PRACTICE.
HOW DO YOU
KNOW THEY DO?
I THOUGHT YOU
WEREN'T INTO LIKE,
SPORTS AND s**t.
SOME.
YEAH, WELL,
YOU SURE KEEP
IT A SECRET.
I'M SUPPOSED TO
GET ALL OF THIS
s**t CLEANED
UP OUT OF HERE.
WOW, YOU'RE
PRETTY STRONG.
[ Snort ]
THAT'S MY OTHER SECRET.
I CAN'T DO THIS
f**king COPY.
Melanie:
EXCUSE ME FOR
BARGING IN.
THIS WON'T TAKE LONG.
AS YOU MAY OR
MAY NOT KNOW,
I'M TED'S LAWYER.
SO?
SO YOU NEED
TO KNOW TED MADE
A LIVING WILL.
UH, DO YOU HAVE ONE?
NO.
WELL, YOU
SHOULD.
BUT I'M NOT
YOUR LAWYER,
I'M HIS.
ANYWAY, HE'S MADE
YOU RESPONSIBLE.
FOR WHAT?
FOR DECIDING,
SHOULD HE EVER
BE INCOMPETENT
OR UNABLE TO
MAKE A DECISION,
WHETHER TO BE KEPT ALIVE
BY EXTRAORDINARY MEASURES
OR BE PERMITTED
TO DIE.
ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT
TED WANTS ME TO DECIDE
WHETHER OR NOT
TO PULL THE PLUG?
I TRIED TO TALK
HIM OUT OF IT.
AND HOW LONG HAVE
YOU KNOWN ABOUT THIS?
IT DOESN'T
MATTER HOW LONG.
YEAH, IT DOES.
I'M THIS SECRET YOU TWO
HAVE BEEN SHARING.
WHEN WERE YOU PLANNING
ON TELLING ME?
I WAS HOPING I
WOULDN'T HAVE TO.
THAT THE SITUATION
WOULD NEVER ARISE.
WELL, IT HAS!
IT'S ARISEN NOW.
AND NOW YOU KNOW.
????
SUZANNE SHEPLEY,
BIG wh*re.
SHE'LL BLOW
YOU, BUT SHE
WON'T f**k
IF YOU'RE IN
THIS SCHOOL.
ONLY IF
YOU GO SOME-
WHERE ELSE,
PREFERABLY
CATHOLIC.
SHE SEEMED LIKE
A DYKE TO ME.
NO, MAN, SHE'S
NOT A DYKE.
SHE'S A wh*re.
THERE'S A
DIFFERENCE.
SO YOU KNOW
MARY FRANCES
COTTALLUTTO?
SO SHE COMES OVER
TO INTERVIEW ME FOR
THE SCHOOL PAPER,
ABOUT BEING THIS GREAT
ATHLETE AND s**t.
AND IT'S 4:00 O'CLOCK
AND MY MOM WON'T
BE HOME TILL 6:00.
SO I TELL HER
WHAT A TOUCH-
DOWN IS LIKE,
SHE GRABS MY d*ck.
NO.
OH YEAH, SHE
WENT FOR IT.
NOT ONLY THAT,
SHE UNZIPS
MY FLY.
SHE'S GOT MY d*ck,
AND SHE'S GOT ALL
THESE RINGS ON.
AND THEY'RE COLD,
BUT HER HAND'S WARM.
AND SHE'S RUBBING
[ Whispering ]
AND RUBBING.
[ Panting ]
OH YEAH.
AND THEN SHE'S
GOT TO GO HOME.
YOU KNOW, AND I'M THERE.
AND I'M...
YOU'RE HARD.
[ Panting ]
[ Moaning ]
[ Groaning ]
[ Opening of door ]
s**t.
SHOULDN'T YOU
BE WORKING?
I, UH, I
AM WORKING,
MR. HORNER.
Man 1:
HEY, GUYS.
Man 2:
HEY.
HOW COME I CAN'T
GET MY GLUTES TO
LOOK LIKE THAT?
MAYBE YOU'RE
NOT PROPERLY
VISUALIZING THE
MUSCLE GROUP.
OH, I'M
VISUALIZING
IT ALL RIGHT.
ON MY FACE.
[ Snort ]
WHY ME?
WHY NOT
HIS MOTHER?
WHY NOT YOU?
I CAN'T DECIDE WHAT
TO WEAR IN THE MORNING.
WHO, IN THEIR RIGHT MIND,
WOULD GIVE ME POWER
OF LIFE AND DEATH?
I COULDN'T DO IT, EITHER.
I DON'T EVEN
LIKE TED.
OH, COME ON,
YOU DO SO.
WELL, NOT ENOUGH TO
BE RESPONSIBLE FOR
HIS f**king LIFE!
WELL, HE MUST HAVE
WANTED YOU FOR A REASON.
MAYBE HE'S SECRETLY
IN LOVE WITH YOU.
I LOVE YOU. I'M
COMATOSE. KILL ME.
IT'S NOT OVER YET, BRIAN.
HE COULD STILL WAKE UP.
CHRIS?
NO WAY!
THEN DON'T
BELIEVE ME.
BUT I THOUGHT
YOU WERE IN LOVE
WITH THAT BRIAN GUY.
ME AND CHRIS?
THAT'S NOT
LOVE, DAPH.
THAT'S JUST
f**king.
OH, AND I THOUGHT
IT WAS DETENTION.
Mother:
JUSTIN?
I GOTTA GO.
HEY, MRS. TAYLOR.
HI, DAPHNE.
DIDN'T YOU
HAVE ART CLUB
THIS AFTERNOON?
I QUIT ART CLUB.
YOU LOVE
ART CLUB.
I'M NOT
INTERESTED.
SINCE WHEN?
JUST LAST WEEK...
YOU DON'T KNOW
EVERYTHING ABOUT ME!
A WEEK'S LIKE
A LONG TIME,
THINGS CAN CHANGE
IN A WEEK.
WELL, I THOUGHT YOU
MIGHT LIKE TO KNOW
I'M GOING TO NIKETOWN.
BUT, YOU'RE PROBABLY
NOT INTERESTED
IN THAT EITHER.
WHEN?
NOW.
AND YOU CAN DRIVE.
[ Clatter of dishes ]
WHAT?
JUST THAT THING YOU
DO WITH YOUR HANDS.
LIKE THIS.
I DO THAT, HUH?
YEAH, YOU DO.
WELL, YOU SHOULD KNOW.
YEAH.
PEOPLE WAKE UP FROM
COMAS, SWEETHEART.
YEAH, SURE.
YOUR UNCLE VIC, HOW
LONG WAS HE IN HIS?
NINE DAYS?
TEN.
AND I THOUGHT
I'D LOST HIM,
I COULDN'T TELL
YOUR GRANDMOTHER IT
WAS AIDS AT THE TIME
BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T
HAVE DEALT WITH IT.
I WANTED TO
HEAR ALL ABOUT
THE WHITE LIGHT,
AND THE...
THE TUNNEL,
AND, AND, AND, DID AUNT
THERESA GET TO HEAVEN?
FIRST WORDS OUT OF
HIS MOUTH, "DID I
MISS THE GOLDEN GLOBES?"
[ Laughing ]
SO HOW IS HE?
THE SAME.
NO CHANGE.
I'M GOING TO GO BACK
A LITTLE LATER.
I THOUGHT I'D TAKE
SOMETHING TO HIS MOM.
WHAT WAS THAT FOR?
TURKEY MEAT LOAF.
LEMON BARS.
THEY'RE GREAT TODAY.
YOU'RE A
GOOD DRIVER.
BETTER THAN YOU.
OKAY, SLOW DOWN. THIS
IS A BIT TOO FAST.
THIS IS NORMAL.
AND YOU JUST SAID
I WAS A GOOD DRIVER.
WHAT?
NOTHING.
IT'S JUST NICE,
YOU LAUGHED.
IT'S BEEN A WHILE.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE YOU
COULD GET ANOTHER CAR.
LET ME HAVE
THIS FOR SCHOOL.
OH, JUST HAND
IT OVER, HUH?
I WAS 20 BEFORE
I HAD A CAR.
I WAS GOING OUT
WITH JAY McLAUGHLIN.
HE COULD HAVE
BEEN YOUR FATHER.
THAT'S STUPID,
I WOULDN'T BE ME.
HE WAS MY FIRST
REAL BOYFRIEND.
I'D BE TOTALLY
SOMEONE ELSE.
LEARNED WITH HIM WHAT
A KISSREALLY WAS.
GROSS.
DON'T TELL ME, I
DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
WELL, NOW YOU DO.
SO, DO YOU HAVE A
BOYFRIEND, JUSTIN?
????
YOU CAN TELL ME,
I PROMISE YOU I WON'T
TELL YOUR FATHER.
I DON'T.
THEN WHO'S BRIAN?
JUSTIN.
JUSTIN!
????
[ Clearing of throat ]
MRS. SCHMIDT?
MICHAEL.
I DON'T MEAN TO
BUG YOU, UH, I
BROUGHT YOU THIS.
IT'S FROM
MY MOM.
MEAT LOAF,
LEMON BARS.
THE LEMON BARS
ARE REALLY GOOD.
WELL, THERE'S, UM,
STILL NO CHANGE.
THEY'RE WATCHING
AND WAITING. SO...
I THOUGHT I'D
TAKE A SMALL BREAK.
I'M SURE YOU
COULD USE ONE.
HE MENTIONED
A MICHAEL.
I SAID, UM,
"TELL ME THE
NAME OF ONE
SPECIAL FRIEND."
AND HE SAID
"WELL, THERE'S
A MICHAEL."
THANK YOU FOR
THE FOOD, DEAR.
I'LL, UH, STAY
A BIT LONGER
AND THEN
I'LL GO TO HIS
CONDO TONIGHT.
HIS... CONDO?
OH, FOR PYJAMAS.
I DON'T KNOW
IF HE EVEN
WEARS THEM.
BUT, IF
HE DOES,
HE'LL NEED THEM
WHEN, UH...
[ Ringing of cell phone ]
TORSO.
IT'S ME.
OH MY GOD,
IS HE DEAD?
NO. BUT HE'S
GOING TO
WISH HE WAS
WHEN HE FINDS
OUT HIS MOM'S
GOING TO HIS
CONDO TONIGHT,
FOR PYJAMAS!
OH s**t!
WHAT IF SHE
FINDS HIS PORN?
AND HIS
MAGAZINES!
AND REMEMBER
HIS 33rd BIRTH-
DAY LAST YEAR?
WHEN WE GAVE
HIM THOSE
33 DILDOS,
THAT WAS
HILARIOUS.
WELL IT'S NOT SO
FUNNY ANY MORE.
WE'VE GOT TO
GO THERE AND
FIND ALL 33.
WAIT!
WHAT?
WHAT IF HE'S
GIVEN SOME AS
HOSTESS GIFTS?
[ Knocking on door ]
I DON'T HAVE
A LOT OF TIME.
YOU HAVE TIME
TO KISS YOUR SON.
Melanie:
HEY, HONEY! HIS
BATH'S READY.
OH.
DID WE KNOW
HE WAS COMING?
NO, WE DID
NOT KNOW.
WELL, IT'D BE
NICE IF YOU'D
CALL FIRST.
AS I SAID, HIS
BATH'S READY,
SO IF YOU WANT
ME TO TAKE HIM...
I DON'T GIVE
A s**t WHAT
TED WANTS!
I'M NOT DOING IT,
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
OH-H. I TOLD HIM
YOU'D BE THIS WAY.
HE HAS A MOTHER.
YEAH, WOULD
YOU WISH THIS
ON YOURS?
HE HAS BETTER
FRIENDS.
WELL THAT'S
FOR GODDAMN SURE.
MELANIE, WOULD
YOU PLEASE...
LOOK, DID I BARGE
IN HERE AT BATH TIME?
WAS THAT ME?
f**k BATH TIME
AND f**k YOU!
HEY, f**k YOU.
JUST STOP IT!
BOTH OF YOU!
SO LET'S CUT TO
THE CHASE. FIND
SOMEBODY ELSE.
HIS MOMMY,
OR MICHAEL,
OR MADONNA, I
DON'T CARE WHO!
BUT HE CHOSE YOU.
WELL, HE
CHOSE WRONG.
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT
I SAID TO HIM.
I SAID BRIAN IS
NOT THE PERSON
YOU WANT RESPONSIBLE
FOR YOUR LIFE.
HE'S A SELFISH,
NARCISSISTIC,
LITTLE f**king
FAGGOT.
AND LET ME TELL
YOU SOMETHING,
IT'S NOT BECAUSE
YOU SUCK c**k,
IT'S BECAUSE
YOU'RE A LITTLE
f**king COWARD!
SO GO. GET OUT.
NOW!
[ Fussing of baby ]
YOU HAD NO RIGHT
TALKING TO HIM THAT WAY.
NO RIGHT?
TED IS
LYING THERE,
ON LIFE SUPPORT.
HE IS PROBABLY NEVER
GOING TO WAKE UP
AND HE IS DEPENDING
ON BRIAN TO SHOW
HIM THE DECENCY,
THE KINDNESS,
TO RELEASE HIM.
THAT'S ALL THE MORE
REASON TO BE KIND.
AFTER ALL,
HE'S THE ONE
WHO HAS TO DO IT.
THINK HOW HARD
IT MUST BE.
OR IF IT WERE
ONE OF US.
IF IT WAS ME LYING
THERE AND YOU HAD
TO PULL THE PLUG.
I'M NOT SURE
I COULD.
MAYBE THAT'S
WHY YOU'RE SO
ANGRY AT HIM.
BECAUSE YOU KNOW
IF IT WERE YOU,
YOU'D BE AS
SCARED AND
ANGRY AS HE IS.
????
?? JUST LIKE YOU ??
?? JUST LIKE YOU ??
?? JUST LIKE YOU ??
????
?? WELL I'M LOSING
ALL MY FEELING ??
?? YEAH I'M RUNNING
OUT OF FRIENDS ??
?? YOU KNOW YOU LIE TO
ME IN THE BEGINNING ??
?? BABY NOW YOU'RE
GOING TO TRY TO BRING ME ??
?? TRY TO BRING
ME TO THE END ????
????
SHE KNOWS. MY MOM KNOWS.
HOLY s**t.
I'VE GOT TO
FIND BRIAN.
WHAT FOR?
HE'LL KNOW WHAT TO DO.
LIKE HE CARES.
HE WANTS ME.
HOW CAN
YOU TELL?
BECAUSE I CAN!
I'M GOING
TO LIVE
WITH HIM.
I'M GOING TO
BE WITH HIM.
YOU'LL SEE.
NOW, PLEASE,
YOU'VE GOT
TO HELP ME.
I'M GROUNDED.
MY MOM SAID
SHE'D BETTER
COME HOME
AND FIND ME
READING
TONI MORRISON.
WELL, THEY
DON'T GET
HOME UNTIL 7:00.
AND YOU DO
BEAT "BELOVED".
THAT'S BETTER.
I'M ALWAYS TELLING HIM
NOT EVERYTHING IN LIFE
NEEDS TO BE CENTRED.
WE CAN REDECORATE LATER.
HIS MOTHER'S COMING!
POPPERS.
OOP!
CHEDDAR, BRIE.
I DON'T THINK THERE
ARE PARTICULARLY
STRONG SHAME ISSUES
ATTACHED TO
CHEESE, MICHAEL.
FINE! WHATEVER.
YOU CHECK OUT
THE BEDROOM, I'LL
WORK OUT HERE.
OKAY.
FALCON... FALCON...
"YOU'VE GOT MAIL"?
HE MASTURBATES TO
MEG RYAN AND TOM HANKS?
OW!
Emmett:
FOUND 'EM!
GOD!
JESUS, LOOK AT THIS ONE!
HAH!
TOUCHE!
IN THIS
CASE, TUSHY.
WHEW!
HAH! HAH!
[ Grunts of struggle ]
[ Groaning ]
HAH, HAH!
DEAD! RIGHT
THROUGH THE
HEART!
ALL RIGHT,
THERE'S LIKE,
A MILLION OF
THEM IN THERE
AND WE'VE GOT
TO FIND THEM ALL.
WE MUST.
MICHAEL?
COME HERE.
????
?? OOH ??
?? OOH YEAH ??
????
?? LOVING YOU ??
?? ALL I WANT TO DO ??
?? ALL I WANT TO DO ??
[ Ringing of buzzer ]
?? THIS FEELS SO RIGHT ??
?? LOVING YOU ??
?? ALL I WANT TO DO ??
s**t! f**k!
BRIAN!
?? I'M LOVING YOU ??
BRIAN!
Man:
SHUT UP!
[ Honking of car horn ]
?? ALL I WANT TO DO ????
JUSTIN, I'VE
GOT TO GO HOME.
BUT I, I HAVE
TO FIND HIM.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT
THE CRAZY LADY?
WHAT CRAZY LADY?
YOU KNOW, THE
WEIRD ONE FROM
THE DINER.
YOU MEAN DEBBIE?
SO WHAT DO YOU
THINK IT MEANS?
I THINK IT MEANS
HE LIKES YOU.
I THINK IT MEANS
HE LOVES ME.
KIND OF
FLATTERING,
IN A WAY.
HE COLLECTS YOU
THE WAY YOU
COLLECT COMICS.
IT'S JUST THAT...
ALL THIS TIME
I... I NEVER KNEW.
THERE'S A LOT
OF THINGS WE
DON'T KNOW ABOUT
EACH OTHER.
LIKE, DID
YOU KNOW...
I USED TO WALK
DOWN THE STREET
IN HAZELHURST,
MISSISSIPPI,
AND THE POSTMAN
WOULD SPIT AT ME?
I DON'T KNOW WHERE
MY FATHER WAS BORN.
OR EVEN WHO HE IS.
I SAT WITH MY DEAD
GRANDMA FOR AN HOUR
AND HELD HER HAND
BEFORE I TOLD ANY-
ONE SHE WAS DEAD.
HOW COME WE NEVER
TELL EACH OTHER
THESE THINGS, HUH?
DON'T TELL ME.
BRIAN. AM
I RIGHT?
COME ON IN,
I'LL MAKE YOU
A SANDWICH.
I ACTUALLY JUST
NEED TO KNOW...
AND DON'T TALK.
I CAN FIGURE
IT ALL OUT.
HAVE A SEAT,
HONEY. RIGHT THERE.
MICHAEL?
IT'S ME.
YOU'VE GOT MAIL.
I JUST WANT
YOU TO KNOW,
MELANIE FEELS
TERRIBLE ABOUT
WHAT SHE SAID.
DO YOU THINK
I CARE?
LOOK, IT'S UP-
SETTING FOR
ALL OF US.
BUT AT A TIME
LIKE THIS, WE
COULD TRY
SHOWING A LITTLE
COMPASSION.
ESPECIALLY
FOR TED.
IS THERE ANY WORD?
THE MACHINES SAY
HE'S STILL ALIVE.
POOR GUY.
WHAT ABOUT US?
WE DON'T HAVE
ANY BEEPS OR WIRES
WITH LITTLE WHITE
DOTS TELLING US
WE'RE ALIVE,
SO HOW DO
WE KNOW?
I GUESS WE JUST TAKE
EACH OTHER'S WORD.
MAYBE
WE KNOW
FROM WHAT PEOPLE
EXPECT FROM US.
I MEAN,
TAKE GUS.
HE NEEDS ME TO FEED
HIM, TO CHANGE HIM.
KNOWING THAT
TELLS ME
I'M ALIVE.
SO FOR ME, RIGHT
NOW, IT'S HIM.
WHAT ABOUT ME?
TED NEEDS
YOU NOW.
SO MAYBE THAT'S
WHAT TELLS YOU
YOU'RE ALIVE.
YOU'LL DO THE
RIGHT THING.
WHATEVER IT IS.
YOU DON'T
KNOW THAT.
[ Beeping of monitor ]
Brian:
f**k YOU.
f**k YOU.
f**k YOU.
FOR GOING HOME
WITH SOME TWEAKED-
OUT LITTLE TWINKIE
AND THINKING
YOU GOT LUCKY.
DID HE LET YOU
EAT HIS a**?
DID HE LET YOU
SUCK HIS c**k?
WELL, I HOPE IT
WAS WORTH IT.
AND f**k YOU
FOR CHOOSING ME.
I OUGHT TO LET
YOU LIE HERE
FOREVER.
HOW'D YOU
LIKE THAT?
CAN YOU HEAR ME?
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE
NOT SO BAD-LOOKING.
IN FACT...
YOU LOOK BETTER
LIKE THIS.
YOU SHOULD DIE
MORE OFTEN.
OR LIVE.
SO THAT I DON'T
HAVE TO SAY YES.
YES, I'LL DO IT.
I'LL GIVE YOU
WHAT YOU WANT.
WHAT YOU NEED.
BUT DON'T THINK
IT'S FOR YOU.
IT'S NOT.
IT'S FOR ME.
????
JESUS!
Michael:
THIS IS
MY HOUSE.
YOU'VE GOT
YOUR OWN.
GO HOME!
I CAN'T.
WHAT?
I CAN'T. MY MOM KNOWS.
WELL SHE CAN
GO TO MY
P-FLAG GROUP
AT THE CENTRE,
EVERY OTHER
TUESDAY.
I'LL GET HER
A T-SHIRT AND
A BUTTON.
MA, PLEASE!
"MA, PLEASE" WHAT?
I AM PROUD TO
HAVE A GAY SON.
WE KNOW.
AND BROTHER.
THANKS, SIS.
I'VE ALWAYS SAID
IT ISN'T WHO
YOU LOVE,
IT'S HOW
YOU LOVE.
GENITALIA IS SIMPLY GOD'S
WAY OF ACCESSORIZING.
THIS IS NOT
ABOUT YOU
AND THE GAY MOTHER
OF THE YEAR AWARD.
THIS IS ABOUT
BRIAN'S ONE-
NIGHT STAND.
Justin:
NOT JUST ONE!
DON'T BET
ON IT.
Michael:
AND WHO HERE
EVEN CARES?
I DO!
MY DAD THREATENED TO
DISOWN ME. HE CALLED
ME A BIG QUEER.
HE DIDN'T HIT
YOU, DID HE?
OH, COME ON, UNCLE VIC.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
LISTEN TO THIS s**t?
THAT'S WHY I HAVE
TO SEE BRIAN.
HE'LL LET ME
STAY WITH HIM.
I DON'T THINK SO.
WELL THEN...
I'LL GO TO NEW YORK.
I'LL BECOME A HUSTLER
AND I'LL SELL MY BODY
TO GROSS, OLD HOMOS.
I'LL GIVE YOU 20 BUCKS.
[ Slapping of shoulder ]
SAVE HIM THE TRAIN FARE.
I'M GOING TO THROW UP.
I'VE GOTTA VOMIT...
UPSTAIRS BATHROOM.
THE ONE FOR GUESTS
AND DRAMA QUEENS.
Vic & Michael:
[ Laughing ]
IT'S NOT A JOKE,
YOU KNOW.
GAY TEENS HAVE A VERY
HIGH SUICIDE RATE.
UNFORTUNATELY,
NOT THIS ONE.
I'M CALLING
HIS MOTHER.
IT'S NOT OUR
BUSINESS.
HE MAY BE TELLING
THE TRUTH.
AND EVEN IF HE ISN'T,
SHE'S GOT
TO BE WORRIED.
SHE'S NOT
WORRIED.
NOW SHE KNOWS.
IT'S NOT DRUGS,
IT'S NOT BOOZE.
HE DIDN'T BUY
AN AUTOMATIC
WEAPON
TO TAKE DOWN TO
THE SPANISH CLUB.
IT'S JUST c**k.
[ Banging of door ]
Brian:
HI.
HOW DID HE FIND YOU?
THEY ALL
FIND HER.
AND NOW HE
WON'T LEAVE.
YOU GOT TO
DO SOMETHING.
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE GET HIM
OUT OF MY HOUSE.
HE'S UPSTAIRS.
ALL RIGHT.
I'M GOING.
THIS IS NOT
HOW I WANTED TO
SPEND MY EVENING.
BY THE WAY...
TED WOKE UP.
HE'S GOING TO BE OKAY.
[ Opening of door ]
????
?? TEN ??
?? KISS ME ON THE LIPS ??
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
WAITING FOR YOU.
WELL, IT'S A RELIEF,
I'LL SAY THAT.
I LIKE TED.
THERE'S A REAL
SWEETHEART IN
THERE SOMEWHERE.
MICHAEL?
?? TOUCH ME ??
?? SLOWLY ??
?? SEVEN ??
?? HOLD IT ??
?? LET'S GO STRAIGHT
TO NUMBER ONE ??
?? TO NUMBER ONE ??
?? NUMBER ONE ??
?? TO NUMBER ONE ??
?? SIX ??
?? LIPS ??
?? FIVE ??
?? FINGERS ????
I'VE DECIDED.
WHAT?
YOU AND ME.
WE'RE TAKING
HIM HOME.
WHY YOU AND
ME? WHY... WHY
ME AT ALL?
WELL, HE CAN
HARDLY GO
WITH BRIAN.
AND IF I GO, IT
LOOKS A LITTLE...
FAGIN AND OLIVER TWIST.
LEAVING ME, HUH?
THE HARMLESS ONE.
THANKS A LOT!
I'M CALLING
YOUR MOTHER. I'M
TAKING YOU HOME.
I'M NOT GOING.
YOU GET MY
TITS IN A
KNOT, SUNSHINE,
AND YOU'RE
GOING TO BE
IN DEEP s**t.
'SCUSE ME.
WHAT ARE YOU
STUDYING
IN SCHOOL?
HMM?
CALLED
CONVERSATION.
READY?
I NEED TO
TALK TO BRIAN.
I'LL BE THERE
IN A SECOND.
DO YOU HAVE
ANYTHING TO SAY?
NO.
WELL, I DO.
YOU CAN f**k HIM
AT YOUR PLACE,
YOU CAN f**k
HIM IN HIS
GYM CLASS,
YOU CAN f**k
HIM AT THE ZOO.
BUT YOU CANNOT
f**k HIM IN MY
MOTHER'S HOUSE.
IN MY ROOM.
Debbie:
WE'RE WAITING!
OKAY, I'M GOING
TO GO DO THIS
LITTLE JOB,
AND THEN I'M
GOING TO GO SEE
TED AT THE HOSPITAL.
YOU DO WHATEVER
THE f**k YOU WANT.
Debbie:
NOBODY KNOWS IF
IT'S NATURE OR
NURTURE, BEING GAY.
NOW THEY'RE ALL
SAYING YOU CAN TELL
BY THE LENGTH OF
THE INDEX FINGER.
ALTHOUGH ALL OF
MICHAEL'S FINGERS
ARE PERFECTLY NORMAL.
HE SHOULD HAVE THREE
KIDS AND A BEER BELLY
AND HE'S ABOUT AS
GAY AS YOU GET!
MA, GIVE IT REST.
[ Ringing of door chime ]
LISTEN!
THAT'S NICE, HUH?
NOT LIKE THAT
OLD BUZZER AT
OUR HOUSE, HUH!
OH, HI!
UM...
I WAS ADMIRING
YOUR CHIMES.
YOU HAVE A
REAL NICE
PLACE HERE.
OH, THANK YOU.
UH, YOU MUST BE...
RUDE LITTLE s**t,
ISN'T HE?
UM, I'M
DEBBIE NOVOTNY...
AND THIS IS MY GAY SON,
MICHAEL.
MA!
I'M JENNIFER TAYLOR.
JENNIFER.
Man: HONEY?
WHO'S THERE?
IT'S NO ONE.
LISTEN, UH...
IF YOU EVER
NEED TO TALK
TO SOMEBODY,
I WORK
OVER AT THE
LIBERTY DINER,
ON LIBERTY AVENUE.
'CAUSE I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE GOING THROUGH.
THE FINDING OUT.
I MEAN, I ALWAYS
KNEW ABOUT MICHAEL.
IN FACT, I TOLD
HIM, RIGHT?
TO SPARE HIM THE PAIN
OF HAVING TO TELL ME.
SO...
JENNIFER...
DON'T ASK, "ARE YOU?"
BECAUSE
IT'S NEVER
A QUESTION.
JUST SAY, "I KNOW".
UH, THANK YOU.
YOU HAD TO
SAY ALL THAT?
I WAS TRYING
TO HELP.
YOU TRY TOO MUCH.
YOU'RE STILL
WEARING THAT
SAME OLD COAT.
SO SOMEDAY
YOU'LL BUY ME
A MINK. HUH.
YOU'RE GOING
TO BE A BIG
SUCCESS.
YEAH, RIGHT.
YOU'LL FREEZE
TO DEATH FIRST.
WHAT WAS THAT FOR?
YOU CAN BE
SUCH AN a**hole!
WHAT'D I DO?
YOU DON'T KNOW
YOURSELF.
"KNOW THYSELF".
SOME GREEK
SAID THAT.
WHO WAS IT?
ZORBA?
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING.
NOW TAKE ME HOME.
ARE YOU SURE
I CAN'T HELP?
I CAN DO IT.
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
I WISH YOU'D
LET ME DRIVE
YOU HOME.
I ALREADY ASKED
MY FRIENDS.
MICHAEL,
EMMETT,
BRIAN.
I MET THEM WHILE
YOU WERE ASLEEP.
OH.
THEY'RE
VERY NICE.
ESPECIALLY
MICHAEL.
YEAH, MICHAEL IS...
ESPECIALLY SPECIAL.
ARE YOU TWO...
I MEAN...
OH, NO. NO, WE, UH...
HE'S JUST A FRIEND.
WELL, HE'S A
VERY GOOD FRIEND.
HE WAS VERY
KIND TO ME.
I'M GRATEFUL
YOU HAVE HIM.
YEAH, SO AM I.
BECAUSE MORE
THAN ANYTHING,
I WORRY THAT
YOU'RE ALONE.
AND THAT THERE'S
NO ONE TO LOOK
AFTER YOU.
I CAN TAKE
CARE OF MYSELF.
OH, I KNOW
YOU CAN.
YOU'VE ALWAYS
BEEN SELF-
SUFFICIENT.
I JUST, I WISH
YOU HAD SOMEONE
TO LOVE YOU.
I MEAN, IF YOU
DID, MAYBE THIS
WOULDN'T HAVE
HAPPENED.
MOM, PLEASE. LET'S, UH...
I'M SORRY.
I KNOW THAT IT
EMBARRASSES YOU
IF I TALK
TOO MUCH OR...
I GET TOO
EMOTIONAL.
BUT I CAN'T HELP
THINKING THAT...
IF YOU HADN'T
WOKEN UP,
THEN I WOULD
NEVER HAVE
GOTTEN THE CHANCE
TO LET YOU KNOW
HOW PROUD I AM
THAT YOU'RE MY SON.
AND THAT IT
DOESN'T MATTER TO
ME WHAT YOU ARE.
I GOT OVER THAT
A LONG TIME AGO.
AND THAT WHEN-
EVER YOU'RE
FEELING ALONE
OR THAT NO
ONE LOVES YOU,
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
BECAUSE I DO.
THANK YOU...
MOM, FOR, UH,
FOR SAYING THAT.
NOW, SAY IT
THREE TIMES AND
CLICK YOUR HEELS:
"THERE'S NO PLACE
LIKE HOME".
YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS
REALLY DIDN'T
HAVE TO DO THIS,
ALL THE FLOWERS,
AND THE GROCERIES.
ONE STOP SHOPPING
AT THE BIG Q-MART.
WELL, IT'S... IT'S NICE.
ONLY, CAN SOMEBODY
TELL ME WHY I
HAD TO STAY THERE
THREE DAYS AFTER
I WOKE UP?
THEY WANTED TO
MAKE SURE YOU'RE
STILL ALIVE.
ON YOUR BEST DAYS
IT'S HARD TO TELL.
OKAY, JUST
SO YOU DON'T
FREAK OUT...
YOUR DILDOS
ARE MISSING,
AND YOUR PORN.
WE HAD TO
MOVE IT ALL,
IN CASE YOUR
MOM FOUND IT.
WELL, I EXPECT
ALL 33 BACK.
CLEANED.
YOU SHOULD EAT
SOMETHING, HONEY.
I'M NOT HUNGRY.
Michael:
WE BOUGHT
YOU A WHOLE
f**king CHICKEN.
AND YOU'RE
GOING TO EAT IT.
IT ALWAYS LOOKS
SO MUCH SMALLER.
WHAT DOES?
YOUR LIFE.
ESPECIALLY AFTER
RETURNING FROM
A NEAR-DEATH
EXPERIENCE.
LIKE WATCHING
THE OSCARS.
"IMMEDIATELY
PRECEDED BY...
Together:
THE BARBARA WALTERS
SPECIAL!"
I'M GLAD
YOU'RE HERE.
YOU ARE?
WELL, UH, I UM...
WHAT?
UM, UH...
I'M GLAD YOU'RE
HERE TOO.
AND IF YOU
EVER WANT TO
TALK ABOUT THIS,
OR OTHER STUFF...
OTHER STUFF?
YOU KNOW, IF THERE'S
SOME... YOU KNOW,
IF THERE'S SOMETHING
YOU CAN'T TALK ABOUT.
LIKE WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE IF
YOU TALK ABOUT IT,
IT MIGHT HELP IT.
BUT, YOU KNOW,
YOU MIGHT NOT
GET YOU WHAT
YOU WANT...
BUT...
OH, s**t.
ARE YOU GOING TO
COME EAT THE CHICKEN?
I'M GOING
TO ARRANGE
THE DAISIES.
I SAW YOU.
f**king.
WHEN I WOKE UP.
I THOUGHT...
"I'M IN HELL.
AND THIS IS
MY PUNISHMENT:
WATCHING BRIAN KINNEY
f**king FOR ALL ETERNITY."
YOU SHOULD
BE SO LUCKY.
WHY ME?
WHY DID YOU
CHOOSE ME?
MY MOTHER
COULDN'T DO IT.
MICHAEL AND
EMMETT...
COULDN'T DO IT.
BUT YOU COULD,
BECAUSE YOU'RE
A HEARTLESS s**t.
YOU COULD PULL THE PLUG
AND YOU WOULDN'T CRY.
AND YOU'D KNOW WHEN
IT'S TIME TO GO.
?? LET'S GET SOAKING WET ??
????
I WANT IT
TO BE YOU.
WHAT?
I WANT IT
TO BE YOU!
I'LL PUT IT
IN WRITING.
I WANT IT TO
BE YOU TOO.
YOU PULL
MY PLUG...
AND YOU
PULL MINE.
????
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR
FIVE, SIX
TAKE IT, DUDE
ONE, TWO
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR
[ Knocking On Door ]
[ Sighing ]
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
I'M THE GUY
YOU FUCKED
LAST NIGHT.
OH, YEAH.
WERE YOU ANY GOOD?
[ Knocking On Door ]
OKAY! I'M COMING.
AND YOU'RE GOING.
HI. WE JUST HAPPENED TO
BE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD,
SO I--
ARE WE
INTERRUPTING
SOMETHING?
NOT AT ALL.
WE'RE ALL DONE.
THIS YOUR KID?
UH, YES.
OH-HO! HE
IS PRECIOUS!
HELLO! HELLO.
OH, BABY.
HELLO, BABY. HELLO.
WE'LL DO THIS AGAIN.
YEAH. SURE.
LET ME GUESS,
YOUR ITALIAN TUTOR?
LINDSAY:
[ Chuckling ]
GRAZIE.
YOU KNOW,
IF YOU VISITED
ONCE IN A WHILE,
WE WOULDN'T
NEED TO DROP BY
UNANNOUNCED.
TALK TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
YOU CAN'T EXACTLY BLAME HER,
THE WAY YOU BEHAVE.
SHE'S JUST
JEALOUS BECAUSE SHE
THINKS YOU LOVE ME
MORE THAN YOU LOVE HER.
AND SHE'S RIGHT.
LOOK, WE HAVE
A CHILD NOW.
YEAH, YOU AND ME.
AND MELANIE!
SO, ONE WAY
OR ANOTHER,
WE ALL HAVE TO GET ALONG.
GUS:
[ Cooing ]
I'LL TRY.
IF SHE DOUCHES.
[ Humorless
Chuckle ]
I THOUGHT WE COULD
TRY SOMETHING SMALL,
A NICE, CIVILIZED,
HOME-COOKED MEAL?
SEASONED WITH A DASH
OF RAT POISON?
I WAS THINKING GARLIC.
THERE'S A CHICKEN THING
I WANT TO TRY.
IT HAS 40 CLOVES!
COULD YOU STOMACH THAT?
THE CHICKEN, OR MELANIE?
FRIDAY, EARLY? SO YOU
CAN STILL HIT THE BARS?
[ Light Sigh ]
I HAVE 35 CENTS
OFF THE KITTIE BITES.
OH, WE DO COUPONS
AT THE END, AND, UH,
THAT ONE EXPIRED.
MARLEY, ARE YOU
FREE TONIGHT?
DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG
I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR A MAN
TO ASK ME THAT?
I NEED SOMEBODY
TO STAY LATE AND HELP ME
WITH INVENTORY.
MARLEY: OH, SORRY.
I'VE GOT CHURCH
CHOIR PRACTICE.
WELL, THAT'S
A NEW EXCUSE.
HOW MANY TIMES CAN
MY GREAT GRANDMOTHER
BE ON HER DEATHBED?
CUSTOMER: I HAVE A COUPON
FOR THE JOHNNY BOWL TOO.
I'M JUST FLUSHED
WITH EXCITEMENT,
PRINCESS.
MIKE, IF YOU NEED SOMEONE
TO STAY LATE, I'M FREE.
YOU ARE?
THAT'D BE GREAT.
IT WILL ONLY TAKE
A COUPLE OF HOURS.
SHE WOULDN'T
MIND IF IT
TOOK ALL NIGHT.
MARLEY.
SO WE'LL MEET
AFTER CLOSING.
GREAT! I'LL
SEE YOU THEN.
JUST BE CAREFUL YOU
TWO DON'T GET CAUGHT
ON THE SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS.
[ Giggles ]
WE USED TO SHARE
THINGS. WE...
ENJOYED EACH OTHER.
JENNIFER:
BUT NOW I, UH--
I TALK TO HIM, HE SLAMS
THE DOOR, RUNS AWAY.
AND HE LIES.
HE SAYS HE'S
SPENDING THE NIGHT AT DAPHNE'S,
BUT I KNOW HE'S NOT.
AND I FOUND THINGS.
WHAT SORT OF THINGS?
UH, DRAWINGS,
SKETCHES THAT
HE DID, OF...
MEN.
NAKED.
I JUST HAVE...
TO KNOW.
IF JUSTIN MIGHT BE GAY?
[ Sigh ]
JENNIFER:
HE'S ONLY 17.
HE'S TOO YOUNG TO BE HAVING
THOSE FEELINGS, TO BE--
JUSTIN, HOW CAN
YOU POSSIBLY KNOW
NOW WHO YOU ARE?
THERAPIST:
JUSTIN.
DO YOU HAVE
ANYTHING TO SAY?
I LIKE d*ck.
I WANNA GET
FUCKED BY d*ck.
I WANNA
SUCK d*ck.
I LIKE
SUCKING d*ck.
AND I'M GOOD AT IT TOO.
WELL,
THAT'S A START.
YOUR EXISTING CAMPAIGN
IS SOLID, MR. TELSON,
BUT YOU NEED MORE
MUSCLE TO BREAK OUT
OF THE
BORING FAMILY
MARKET BOX.
TARGET MALES,
OF COURSE. 18 TO 34.
FEATURE SPEED,
FASHION, VISIBILITY.
YOU SPONSOR
A NASCAR TEAM,
BUT YOU NEED A CAMPAIGN
TO MAX THE INVESTMENT.
TV, PRINT,
SELECTED WEBSITES.
MAN:
JUST SO YOU KNOW,
MR. TELSON,
UH, BRIAN IS OUR
MOST DYNAMIC AND
CREATIVE ACCOUNT EXEC.
HIS CAMPAIGNS
HAVE WON CLIO
AWARDS FOR US.
UH-HUH.
MR. TELSON:
THAT'S IMPRESSIVE... FOR YOU.
HOW DOES THAT TRANSLATE
TO NATIONAL SALES FOR ME?
MAN:
WELL, UH, MAYBE
YOU'D LIKE TO SIT DOWN
AND FLESH OUT THE
STRATEGY WITH HIM.
HE'S ALSO, UH,
ONE HELL OF A HOST.
HE CAN GET YOU
INTO ALL THE
TOP RESTAURANTS.
HE CAN GET YOU
THE BEST TICKETS
TO THE GAMES.
TELL ME, DO YOU
LIKE BASEBALL,
MR. TELSON?
MR. TELSON:
I'M PRETTY TIRED AFTER
THE FLIGHT THIS MORNING AND...
I'VE GOT A FULL SET
OF MEETINGS TOMORROW.
WELL, HOW ABOUT
TOMORROW NIGHT?
BRIAN: THE PIRATES
ARE PLAYING.
WE HAVE COMPANY SEATS
ON THE FIRST BASELINE.
WELL IF I HAVE
ANY TIME, I'LL
GIVE YOU A CALL.
MR. TELSON:
WE'LL LET YOU KNOW.
WOMAN: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
BRIAN:
I KNOW WHAT THE SON OF A
b*tch IS UP TO.
HE'S PLAYING US AGAINST
EVERY OTHER AGENCY IN TOWN,
PUMPING US FOR OUR BEST IDEAS,
AND HE'LL TAKE THEM
WHERE HE WANTS TO.
YOU JUST MAKE SURE WHERE
HE WANTS TO GO IS HERE.
[ Mixed Chatter ]
BRIAN: WELL,
IF I DON'T GET THIS ACCOUNT,
I'LL BE FUCKED.
AND WITHOUT LUBE.
AND THAT'S
A BAD THING?
DEBBIE:
IT'S AMAZING HOW
YOU ALWAYS WORK
ANAL INTERCOURSE
INTO THE CONVERSATION.
BRIAN: HEY, YOU
TRY SPENDING AN EVENING
WITH SOME BACKSLAPPING
BREEDER FROM ALTOONA,
SMOKING CIGARS
AND TALKING
ABOUT p*s*y.
TED:
I'D LOVE TO HEAR WHAT
YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT p*s*y.
THAT IT'S A GOOD THING
YOU'VE GOT ONE,
BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO WITH A d*ck.
DEBBIE:
MOVE OVER.
DEBBIE:
SO YOU BOYS IN THE MOOD
FOR SOMETHING SWEET,
OR ARE YOU GONNA
PICK UP A LITTLE SOMETHING
AT WOODY'S?
[ Chuckles ]
MA, STOP
PINCHING MY CHEEKS.
DEBBIE:
OH, BEND OVER SO I CAN
PINCH THE OTHER ONES!
[ Laughing ]
I'VE GOT SOME TAX REPORTS
TO GO OVER. SCOOT.
I WOULD THINK
AFTER CHECKING OUT
NUMBERS ALL DAY
YOU'D LIKE TO COME
CHECK OUT SOME NUMBERS AT NIGHT.
WELL, IN LIGHT OF MY
RECENT NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE,
I'VE DECIDED
TO TAKE ACCOUNT
OF MY NEAR-LIFE.
WOODY'S AND BABYLON
ARE NO LONGER
DEDUCTIBLE EXPENSES.
EMMETT:
HE'LL BE BACK.
LOOKS LIKE IT'S,
UH, IT'S JUST US.
THE THREE MUSKETEERS.
MORE LIKE
THE POINTER SISTERS.
[ Chuckles ]
- I CAN'T GO EITHER.
- WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE?
MICHAEL:
I HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE STORE.
WE'RE RESTOCKING.
EMMETT:
POOR BABY.
SPEND THE ENTIRE EVENING ALONE
IN THAT DREARY CRAP EMPORIUM?
MICHAEL:
TRACY WILL
BE THERE.
YOUR
BRIDE-TO-BE?
SHE'S NOT MY
BRIDE-TO-BE.
THEN YOU CAN TELL HER
WHO YOU REALLY ARE.
EMMETT:
I AGREE.
I ALWAYS SAY, COME CLEAN,
OR DON'T COME AT ALL.
MICHAEL:
I CAN'T. WHERE I WORK,
THEY LAUGH AT FAGGOTS.
BRIAN: HEY, THE ONLY FAGGOTS
WORTH LAUGHING AT ARE THE ONES
WHO DON'T TELL THE TRUTH.
DON'T BE ONE
OF THOSE a**holeS
WHO HIDES, MIKEY.
AND STOP LEADING HER ON.
WHO'S LEADING
HER ON? WE'RE...
COUNTING CARTONS
OF TOILET PAPER!
YEAH, WHICH YOU CAN USE,
BECAUSE YOU'RE SO FULL
OF s**t.
DON'T TOUCH ME.
MICHAEL:
OKAY, WE'VE DONE TOILET PAPER,
PAPER TOWELS,
PAPER NAPKINS,
PAPER PLATES--
TRACY?
TRACE?
I'M HERE!
WHERE?
IN FEMININE HYGIENE.
I'M CHECKING PANTY-LINERS.
LIGHT DAYS AND HEAVY DAYS.
SO HOW WE DOING?
WE'RE HEAVY
ON LIGHT DAYS,
AND LIGHT ON HEAVY DAYS.
GOTCHA.
LET'S MOVE ON.
IT'S ALWAYS
WORK WITH YOU!
DON'T YOU
EVER HAVE FUN?
YEAH, I HAVE FUN.
I HAVE LOTS OF FUN.
REALLY?
'CAUSE YOU NEVER
WANT TO GO OUT
WITH US AFTER WORK.
- I'VE GONE OUT WITH YOU GUYS.
- ONCE.
MARLEY SAYS NO
ONE KNOWS WHAT
YOU'RE REALLY LIKE,
THAT YOU PROBABLY
LEAD THIS DOUBLE LIFE.
SHE'S RIGHT.
I'M NOT WHO I
APPEAR TO BE.
BUT YOU HAVE
TO PROMISE NOT
TO TELL ANYONE.
TRUTH IS, WHEN
I WAS A BOY,
I WAS EXPOSED
TO A LASER LIGHT SHOW
AT A KISS CONCERT,
AND AFTER THAT
I DEVELOPED THE
STRANGE POWER
TO SEE INTO
PEOPLE'S MINDS,
TO READ THEIR
MOST PRIVATE THOUGHTS.
[ Gruffly ]
"I'M GOING TO
ROB A BANK!"
"I'M GOING TO
BLOW UP A BRIDGE!"
[ Normally ]
AND SINCE THEN,
I SET OUT TO PREVENT CRIMES
BEFORE THEY
HAPPENED. AND
MY REAL NAME...
IS "LASER MAN"!
SO, LASER MAN,
WHAT AM I THINKING?
UM, WE SHOULD
PROBABLY GET
BACK TO WORK.
WHOA!
MIKE!
[ Dance ]
IF YOU TAKE YOUR
SHIRT OFF, YOU
GET A FREE DRINK.
I DON'T
SHOW MY TITS FOR
A WATERED-DOWN BUD.
GET ME A BEER?
GET YOUR OWN.
I'M TOO YOUNG.
WELL, THAT'S
YOUR PROBLEM.
YOU SHOULD GO HOME.
YOUR MOM'S PROBABLY
WORRIED SICK.
[ Scoffing ]
SHE'S PATHETIC.
SHE TOOK ME
TO A f**king
WASTE-OF-TIME THERAPIST.
MAYBE SHE'S TRYING
TO UNDERSTAND YOU.
I DON'T WANT HER
TO UNDERSTAND ME.
I WANT HER TO
LEAVE ME ALONE.
WHAT DID YOUR PARENTS
DO WHEN THEY FOUND OUT
YOU WERE,
YOU KNOW, GAY?
THEY DIDN'T
DO ANYTHING.
BECAUSE I NEVER
TOLD THEM.
YOU DIDN'T?
IT'S NOT THEIR LIFE.
I DON'T NEED
THEIR APPROVAL.
DAPH?
PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!
IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
WHAT'S NOT YOUR FAULT?
MY MOM ANSWERED,
SHE SAID YOU WEREN'T THERE.
I DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO!
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT.
JUSTIN:
[ Worried Gasps ]
f**k ME!
JUSTIN:
WHAT'SSHEDOING HERE?
DAPHNE: THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING
TO TELL YOU! I SAID
YOU WERE HERE.
JUSTIN!
[ Deep Sighing ]
HE'S DOWN.
HE'LL BE UP.
YOU LOOK BEAT.
SO DO YOU.
COMING TO BED?
SOON.
I GOTTA GO OVER
THESE BRIEFS.
LISTEN, ABOUT FRIDAY?
MM-HMM?
YOU DON'T
HAVE ANY PLANS, DO YOU?
NOT THAT
I KNOW OF.
NOT WORKING LATE?
NO.
[ Deep Sigh ]
THAT'S GOOD,
BECAUSE I
INVITED BRIAN
FOR DINNER.
OH, CHRIST!
I THOUGHT
I'D MAKE THAT
CHICKEN YOU LIKE!
FORGET IT. I WOULDN'T LET HIM
TOUCH MY SILVERWARE KNOWING
WHERE HIS HANDS HAVE BEEN.
YOU KNOW, I WISH
THE TWO OF YOU WOULD
MAKE THE SLIGHTEST EFFORT
TO GET ALONG, SO I DON'T
HAVE TO BE THE "SMILING LESBIAN
IN THE MIDDLE."
WHO ASKED
YOU TO BE?
JUST LEAVE HIM
OUT OF MY LIFE.
HOW CAN WE?
HE'S GUS'S FATHER.
AS IF I NEED
TO BE REMINDED.
YOU KNOW, WE'RE
SUPPOSED TO BE AN
ALTERNATIVE FAMILY,
WHICH MEANS
TWOMOMMIES.
I'M THE ONE WITH
THE SUBSCRIPTION
TONEWSWEEK.
I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.
ONLY THERE'S NOTHING ALTERNATIVE
ABOUT US.
WE'RE AS
FUCKED UP AS
ANY OTHER FAMILY
IN THE HISTORY
OF THE WORLD.
[ Chuckle ]
SO...
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I WANT TO BE
A GOOD MOTHER.
I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.
AND I WANT
YOU TO GIVE
BRIAN A CHANCE.
AW, YOU ALMOST
HAD ME THERE.
HE'S A GOOD PERSON.
HE'S A SELFISH
s**thead!
MAYBE, BUT
HE'S HONEST!
[ Sighing ]
HE TELLS THE
TRUTH, AND HE
DOESN'T PRETEND.
YEAH, WELL I
WISH HE'D TRY.
I WISH YOU WOULD TOO.
[ Groan Of Anticipation ]
[ Playful Giggle ]
[ Dance ]
OH, MAN!
I'M SO HORNY.
I WANT YOU TO f**k ME
FOR HOURS.
[ Whispering ]
AND I'M A TOP.
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT
ALL THE BIGGEST
BOTTOMS SAY.
OH, f**k!
JESUS,
WHO'S THIS?
THAT'S THE PRESIDENT
OF MY FAN CLUB.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
MY MOM'S OUT OF CONTROL.
NOW SHE'S
FOLLOWING ME.
THAT MUST BE AN
INHERITED TRAIT.
I'M NOT GOING HOME.
WELL, YOU'RE NOT
STAYING HERE!
THERE'S NOWHERE
ELSE I CAN GO.
DO YOU WANT ME TO
SLEEP ON THE STREET?
I COULD GET KILLED.
WHY DON'T YOU GET LOST,
YOU LITTLE a**hole?
I WAS HERE FIRST.
BETTER YET,
WHY DON'T YOU?
[ Scoffing ]
BEAT IT.
f**k YOU.
[ Chuckling ]
YEAH.
YOU'RE THE BOTTOM,
REMEMBER?
THANKS.
LOOK, I TOLD YOU,
I'M NOT YOUR LOVER,
I'M NOT YOUR PARTNER,
I'M NOT EVEN YOUR FRIEND.
YOU'RE NOT
ANYTHING TO ME.
I COULD BE.
IF YOU GAVE ME A CHANCE.
[ Chuckling ]
WHERE DID YOU LEARN
TO TALK LIKE THAT?
WATCHING SOME TEEN DRAMA?
I NEED YOU!
NO, YOUTHINKYOU DO,
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT
YOU'RE TAUGHT TO THINK,
"WE ALL NEED EACH OTHER."
WELL, IT'S A
CROCK OF s**t!
YOU'RE THE ONLY
ONE YOU NEED.
YOU'RE THE ONLY
ONE YOU'VE GOT.
THE COUCH.
JUST FOR TONIGHT.
AND DON'T JERK OFF ON IT.
MORNING, SWEET PEA.
[ Giggles ]
[ Groans Of
Discomfort ]
GOD, I AM
STILL STIFF.
STIFFER
THAN LAST NIGHT ?
HEY, YOU TWO,
LET'S KEEP IT CLEAN.
WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT MY NECK.
YOU MUST HAVE
BEEN DOING MORE
THAN INVENTORY.
SHUT UP, MARLEY!
CAN'T YOU SEE HE'S IN PAIN?
IT'S THE WORST PAIN
I'VE EVER FELT
IN MY LIFE.
DID YOU TAKE
SOMETHING?
YEAH! LIKE,
TWO BOTTLES
OF TYLENOL.
THAT WON'T HELP.
YOU NEED A CHIROPRACTOR.
NO. I'M OKAY, REALLY.
A FRIEND OF MINE'S FIANCE
GOES TO SOMEONE
WHO DOES SOME
OF THE STEELERS.
HESWEARSBY HIM.
IT'S NOT NECESSARY.
YOU NEED
TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
I CAN TELL
YOU'RE NOT VERY
GOOD AT THAT.
WOMAN:
RYDER WANTS
TO SEE YOU.
WELL, HE CAN GO
f**k HIMSELF.
HE'S PISSED AT ME FOR
NOT LANDING TELSON.
HE WANTS
TO CHEW ME A
SECOND a**hole.
I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU
COULD USE ONE OF THOSE.
- MARVIN!
- I WAS JUST COMING TO SEE YOU.
WOMAN:
WELL, I'LL JUST
BE SURE AND GIVE
MR. RYDER
YOUR MESSAGE.
EXCUSE ME.
I HOPE YOU DON'T
MIND ME DROPPING BY.
NOT AT ALL. ALTHOUGH
AFTER YESTERDAY, I SORT OF
GOT THE IMPRESSION--
WELL, YOU KNOW
HOW MISLEADING
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
CAN BE.
AFTER YOU GET
TO KNOW SOMEBODY,
YOU DISCOVER
JUST HOW MUCH IN COMMON
YOU ACTUALLY HAVE.
SO SHALL WE LOOK
AT SOME IDEAS I HAVE?
GREAT.
OH, AND ABOUT
THIS EVENING,
I THOUGHT I MIGHT
TAKE YOU UP ON
YOUR OFFER TO, UH,
SHOW ME THE TOWN.
WELL,
I COULD HAVE CYNTHIA
MAKE US SOME RESERVATIONS.
YOU LIKE STEAKS?
I KNOW A GREAT CHOP HOUSE.
AND I COULD
GET US TICKETS
FOR TONIGHT'S GAME.
WELL, ACTUALLY,
I HAD A DIFFERENT SORT
OF EVENING IN MIND.
YOU KNOW, THE SORT
OF EVENING THAT YOU MIGHT
PLAN FOR YOURSELF.
AND WHAT
SORT OF EVENING
IS THAT?
WELL, YOU KNOW, ONE
THAT'S MORE FUN, LIKE
THIS CLUB THAT I HEARD ABOUT.
UH, BABYLON?
WHY, MARVIN.
YOU OLD DOG.
CHRIST. ISN'T
ANYONE STRAIGHT
ANYMORE?
[ Chuckling ]
[ Sighs Of Pain ]
HI.
I'M, UH, I'M
DR. CAMERON.
WHAT SEEMS TO
BE THE PROBLEM?
UM, NOTHING. NOTHING.
[ Chuckles ]
NOTHING AT ALL. I'M FINE.
[ Softly ]
OW.
HOW DID YOU
HURT YOURSELF?
UM,
I WAS WORKING
AT THE STORE.
I'M AN ASSISTANT MANAGER
AT THE "BIG Q"
OVER ON BUTLER.
I ACCIDENTALLY FELL.
OKAY, TURN
TO THE LEFT.
HOW'S THAT FEEL?
FINE.
TO THE RIGHT.
[ Groan Of Pain ]
AH. RIGHT THERE,
HUH?
[ Gasp Of Pain ]
CAN YOU LIE DOWN
ON YOUR BACK?
MM... SURE. ON MY BACK.
THIS IS MY
FAVORITE POSITION.
I'M JUST KIDDING.
OH!
[ Cracking Of Spine ]
DEBBIE:
IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR
SAKS FIFTH AVENUE,
HONEY, YOU MADE
THE WRONG TURN.
[ Chuckling ]
DEBBIE?
ONE AND ONLY!
UH--
HEY!
SUNSHINE'S MOM!
HOW'S JUSTIN?
HE DIDN'T COME
HOME LAST NIGHT,
AND I WAS HOPING YOU
MIGHT HAVE SEEN HIM.
UH, NO. I'M SORRY, UH,
SWEETIE. I WISH I HAD.
WELL, THANKS ANYWAY.
LISTEN-- WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT! HOLD ON!
L-LET ME
GET YOU SOME COFFEE.
I GAVE UP COFFEE.
OF COURSE YOU DID.
WELL, HOW ABOUT
SOME NICE HERBAL TEA,
THEN? HUH?
HAVE A SEAT!
COME ON!
LET'S SEE, UM,
WE GOT LEMON CREAM,
RASPBERRY PARFAIT,
COZY CHAMOMILE.
HOW IN HELL
DID A CONDOM
GET IN HERE?
HERE. "GET HAPPY."
YOU NEED IT.
SO, WHAT DOES
DAD SAY?
HE DOESN'T KNOW.
HOW COULD HE NOT KNOW?
YOU ALWAYS KNOW.
SAME REASON
I DIDN'T.
DIDN'T WANT TO.
BELIEVE ME,
THERE ARE FAR WORSE THINGS.
I JUST KEEP
THINKING IT'S MY--
IT'S NOT.
THAT I WAS--
YOU DIDN'T.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY.
YEAH, I DO.
'CAUSE I ASKED MYSELF
ALL THE SAME THINGS.
SO YOU DON'T THINK
IT WAS BECAUSE I--
SMOTHERED HIM?
YOU SMOTHER
A PORK CHOP,
NOT A SON.
PEOPLE ARE
WHAT THEY ARE.
SO, DID HE TELL
YOU TO f**k OFF?
WASN'T EVEN THE
WORST OF IT.
HE TOLD HIS THERAPIST
THAT HE LIKES...
d*ck.
THERE, YOU SEE?
YOU ALREADY HAVE
SOMETHING IN COMMON.
I'M SURE YOU WERE
THINKING YOU'D PROBABLY
NEVER HAVE ANYTHING
TO SHARE AGAIN.
[ Chuckling ]
LISTEN,
THEY TALK BIG
AND THEY
ACT TOUGH,
BUT THE TRUTH
IS, THE THING HE'S
THE MOST AFRAID OF,
EVEN MORE
THAN HIS DAD
FINDING OUT
AND BEATING THE s**t
OUT OF HIM,
IS THAT YOU'LL
STOP LOVING HIM.
I COULD NEVER DO THAT.
THEN YOU BE
SURE HE KNOWS HE
HASN'T LOST YOU.
CROSS YOUR HANDS
OVER YOUR CHEST.
GOOD.
BRING YOUR KNEES UP.
GOOD.
OKAY.
FIRST TIME TO
A CHIROPRACTOR?
YEAH, BUT IF I
KNEW IT WAS GOING
TO BE LIKE THIS
I'D HAVE COME SOONER.
[ Groan ]
GOOD!
LEGS DOWN.
LITTLE STRETCH.
[ Groaning ]
AM I HURTING YOU?
NOT AT ALL.
OKAY!
ROLL OVER.
[ Groans Of Relief ]
HOW'S THAT FEEL?
OH, YEAH! OH!
WELL, I THINK
YOU'RE SUFFERING FROM
A PRE-EXISTING CONDITION...
THAT WAS JUST
AGGRAVATED BY THAT FALL.
YOU GIVE IT A
LITTLE TIME AND
SOME REST AND...
LET THE SWELLING
GO DOWN.
RIGHT.
YOU... YOU
MIGHT WANT TO PUT
SOME ICE ON IT.
GOOD IDEA.
OKAY, YOU CAN GET UP.
UM, IF IT'S
OKAY WITH YOU,
I'D LIKE TO JUST
LIE HERE FOR A
COUPLE MINUTES?
IS SOMETHING WRONG?
SOMETHING I SHOULD
LOOK AT OR--
NO! NO, UM,
I FEEL GREAT.
[ Deep Breath ]
TOO GREAT.
DON'T BE EMBARRASSED.
HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
EVEN TO FOOTBALL PLAYERS.
[ Sigh ]
[ Cheering Of Crowd ]
SEVEN AND
THREE-QUARTER INCHES.
EMCEE:
OH, COME ON, GUYS!
LET'S GET IT UP FOR HIM!
COME ON!
[ Cheering Of Crowd ]
MR. TELSON:
THERE'S THOMAS.
HE'S 17.
HE'S GOING INTO
HARVARD THIS FALL.
AND THERE'S TRISH;
SHE'S 12.
SHE LOVES SOCCER.
[ Chortle ]
THIS HAS GOT
TO BE A FIRST!
FAMILY PHOTOS
IN BABYLON?
EMCEE:
OOH! WHAT IS THIS?
FIVE AND AN EIGHTH.
NOW-- NOW,
CONTESTANTS ARE REMINDED
THAT THEY MUST BE
AT LEAST SIX INCHES.
UH, THAT IS THE
RULE OF THUMB,
AND QUITE FRANKLY,
I'VE SEEN BIGGER THUMBS.
[ Laughing Of Crowd ]
I MARRIED YOUNG,
BEFORE I KNEW.
WENT INTO THE
FAMILY BUSINESS.
BY THE TIME I REALIZED
WHAT I WAS, IT WAS TOO LATE
TO CHANGE THINGS.
I LOVE MY WIFE,
AND MY KIDS.
WHY SHOULD
I DESTROY ALL THAT?
SO YOU TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS
WHILE YOU'RE AWAY
TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS?
EXACTLY.
SMART MAN, MARVIN.
YOU'RE A
SMART MAN TOO.
THE QUESTION
IS, HOW SMART?
EMCEE: [ Elated ]
TEN AND FIVE-SIXTEENTHS!
WE HAVE A WINNER!
[ Cheering Of Crowd ]
SO IS THERE ANYONE HERE
YOU'D LIKE TO MEET?
I HAPPEN
TO KNOW THE WINNER.
NO, NOT MY TYPE.
HOWEVER,
THERE IS SOMEBODY
I'M INTERESTED IN.
YEAH? WHO?
THAT'S SEXUAL HARASSMENT.
YEAH, REMIND ME
TO PRESS CHARGES.
WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE?
LIKE THE KIND OF GUY,
IF HE WAGGED HIS d*ck
IN FRONT OF YOU,
YOU WOULDN'T LOOK TWICE.
BUT IF HE DANGLED HIS ACCOUNT
IN FRONT OF YOU,
YOU MIGHT CONSIDER IT.
YOU'RE KIDDING.
YOU WOULDN'T ACTUALLY DO--
WOULD YOU?
WELL, CONSIDERING
SOME OF THE OTHER
THINGS I'VE DONE.
YEAH,
BUT THAT WAS FOR FUN!
YOU'VE NEVER DONE
ANYTHING LIKE THIS.
[ Chuckling ]
YOU'RE SO
BEAUTIFULLY NAIVE, MIKEY.
IT'S BUSINESS.
YOU f**k,
OR YOU GET FUCKED.
YEAH, ONLY,
WHICH END ARE YOU ON?
JUSTIN?
HONEY, PLEASE!
I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT
LIKE TO COME WITH ME.
WHERE? TO SEE
ANOTHER SHRINK?
IT'S A SURPRISE.
I'M NOT INTERESTED.
[ Beeping Of Car Door ]
JENNIFER:
YOU STOP RIGHT THERE!
STOP RUNNING FROM ME,
BECAUSE I'M NOT RUNNING
FROM YOU!
I'M STILL YOUR MOTHER,
AND YOU'RE STILL MY SON,
AND I STILL LOVE YOU.
[ Grunt Of Disbelief ]
WHAT'S THIS?
A GET-WELL BASKET.
BEN-GAY, ASPIRIN,
HOT WATER BOTTLE.
EVERYTHING YOU NEED
FOR A PULLED MUSCLE.
THAT'S REALLY NICE
OF YOU, TRACY.
AT "BIG Q" WE
GUARANTEE FULL MONEY BACK
IF YOU'RE NOT
COMPLETELY SATISFIED.
[ Chuckling ]
I HOPE YOU
WON'T BE NEEDING
ALL THAT.
OH, HI!
HI. HOW'S
YOUR NECK?
UH, IT'S STILL
A LITTLE SORE,
BUT, UH, MUCH
BETTER. I THINK
YOU DID THE TRICK.
GOOD TO HEAR.
UH, TRACY,
THIS IS DR. CAMERON,
THE CHIROPRACTOR
YOU SENT ME TO.
-THANKS FOR
THE REFERRAL, TRACY.
-THANKS FOR TAKING CARE OF MIKE.
WELL, I SHOULD
GO AND TAKE CARE
OF MY CASH REGISTER.
BYE!
SHE'S CUTE.
YEAH.
WHAT A COINCIDENCE,
RUNNING INTO
YOU HERE.
WELL,
IT'S NOT REALLY
A COINCIDENCE.
YOU TOLD ME
WHERE YOU WORKED,
REMEMBER?
OH, YEAH. RIGHT.
WELL, THAT'S REALLY NICE,
COMING ALL THIS WAY
JUST TO SEE HOW I AM.
NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT
THAN MY PATIENTS' HEALTH
AND WELL-BEING.
[ Chuckle ]
I ALSO WANTED
TO GET A NEW
SCREWDRIVER.
OH, WELL,
LET ME SHOW YOU WHERE
THE HARDWARE DEPARTMENT IS.
[ Chuckle ]
WE HAVE
A COMPLETE LINE OF TOOLS,
ALL AT EVERYDAY LOW PRICES.
AND I WANTED TO, UH,
ASK IF YOU'D LIKE
TO HAVE DINNER WITH ME.
HUH?
DINNER.
YOU KNOW, WHERE YOU
SIT AT A TABLE AND
EAT FOOD FROM A PLATE?
MARLEY:
MIKE?
THERE ARE THESE TWO
BRATS CLIMBING UP THE
SOFT DRINK DISPLAY.
[ Chuckle ]
SOUNDS
LIKE A JOB FOR SUPERMAN.
I'LL BE RIGHT THERE!
SO WHAT
DO YOU SAY?
ABOUT WHAT?
I THINK I JUST
ASKED YOU OUT.
YOU MEAN YOU'RE--
YEAH. I-I HOPE
YOU ARE TOO.
[ Whispering ]
I HAVE TO BE REALLY CAREFUL.
NO ONE HERE KNOWS.
HOW DID YOU?
REMEMBER THAT LITTLE PROBLEM
YOU HAD ON MY TABLE?
YEAH, BUT YOU SAID
THAT EVEN HAPPENS
TO FOOTBALL PLAYERS.
[ Whispering ]
ONLY THE GAY ONES.
[ Chuckling ]
JENNIFER:
JUSTIN, I HAVE SO MISSED
COMING HERE WITH YOU.
THE VAN GOGHS
AND THE HOPPERS.
YOU KNOW,
IF IT WEREN'T FOR ME,
YOU WOULDN'T BE AN ARTIST.
I MEAN,
I ENCOURAGED YOU.
[ Snickering ]
HEY, AFTER WE'RE DONE,
YOU WANT TO SHARE A PIECE
OF THAT
INCREDIBLE CHOCOLATE CAKE,
LIKE WE USED TO?
YEAH, SURE.
OH, JUSTIN. LOOK.
MY FAVORITE.
REMEMBER?
NO.
JENNIFER:
I FELL IN LOVE WITH THIS
WHEN I WAS PREGNANT WITH YOU.
I EVEN PUT IT ON YOUR
BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENT.
MOM, I GOTTA USE
THE BATHROOM.
OKAY, HONEY.
I'LL BE RIGHT HERE.
A DOCTOR?
A CHIROPRACTOR.
ALL THAT COUNTS
IS A LITTLE
WHITE JACKET
AT A COMFORTABLE
MID-THIGH LENGTH.
IT'S EVERY
MOTHER'S DREAM.
JUST BE SURE NOT
TO TELL MINE.
I DON'T NEED HER
TO KNOW EVERY
TIME I GO OUT.
"EVERY TIME YOU GO OUT"
IS ONCE A YEAR.
THANKS FOR
KEEPING COUNT.
ACCOUNTING
IS MY LIFE.
SO WHAT'S
HE LIKE?
OLD.
WHAT'S OLD?
OLDER THAN YOU.
PROBABLY 40.
THAT IS OLD.
EMMETT:
ON THE OTHER HAND, THEY
DON'T COME AS QUICK,
AND THEY HAVE
LOTS OF MONEY.
SO WHERE'S
HE TAKING YOU?
SOMEPLACE
CALLED PAPPAGANO.
[ Choking ]
I HOPE HE'S PAYING!
IS IT EXPENSIVE?
A MEDIUM-PRICED ENTREE
IS MORE THAN
YOUR TAX RETURN.
s**t.
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
I DON'T KNOW.
THIS?
OKAY, A DOCTOR
IS TAKING YOU TO ONE
OF THE MOST EXPENSIVE
RESTAURANTS IN PITTSBURGH,
AND YOU'RE GOING LIKE THAT?
NOT IN THIS UNIVERSE.
AS A MEN'S
APPAREL PROFESSIONAL,
IT IS MY SWORN DUTY
TO MAKE SURE
YOU ARE PROPERLY
ATTIRED.
NOW, PUT DOWN
CAPTAIN AMERICA
AND COME WITH ME.
I'M SOAKING HERE!
OH, SHUT UP!
WHO DID THIS THING
TO YOU?
OH, LET ME GUESS,
EMMETT DE LA RENTA?
I SHOULD HAVE JUST
WORN MY JEANS,
BUT HE SAID,
"NO! YOU CAN'T GO
ON A DATE LIKE THAT!"
YOU'VE GOT A DATE?
YEAH.
ADATE?
MIKEY'S
GOT A DATE!
I'M GONNA CALL
AND CANCEL.
THE f**k YOU ARE!
WELL, I CAN'T
GO LIKE THIS!
YOU'RE RIGHT.
HERE, TRY THIS.
- ARE YOU SURE?
- I'VE GOT DOZENS OF THEM.
IT'S WEIRD
GOING ON A DATE.
BRIAN:
MAKE SURE HE OPENS
THE CAR DOOR FOR YOU
AND PULLS
YOUR CHAIR OUT.
THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.
IT'S SO... HETERO.
YOU EVER BEEN
ON A REAL DATE?
ONCE.
I ENDED UP
f**king THE WAITER.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
TO DO OR SAY!
JUST BE YOURSELF.
THAT SHOULD MAKE
THE EVENING FLY BY.
WHY CAN'T WE JUST
FAST-FORWARD TO THE SEX?
[ Chuckling ]
THE POINT OF A DATE,
OR SO IT'S BEEN EXPLAINED TO ME
BY THOSE WHO DO
THAT SORT OF THING,
IS THAT YOU ACTUALLY GET
TO KNOW THE OTHER PERSON
BEFORE YOU
f**k THEM.
WHAT A DUMB IDEA.
WHAT IF YOU
DON'T LIKE THEM?
WORSE YET,
WHAT IF YOU DO?
SLEEVES ARE TOO LONG.
THAT'S BETTER.
SO, WHO IS
THIS GUY?
NO ONE.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHY I SAID YES.
I GUESS I JUST
FELT SORRY FOR HIM.
AH! A MERCY
f**k, HUH?
WHO SAYS I'M
f**king HIM?
WELL, IF HE'S
BUYING YOU AN
EXPENSIVE DINNER,
YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO PUT OUT.
AND THIS SHOULD
DO THE TRICK.
MAKE HIM WANT
TO DO THE TRICK.
SO WHAT DO
YOU THINK?
I THINK I
LOOK LIKE YOU.
YOU LOOK
FANTASTIC.
YOU ARE FANTASTIC.
REMEMBER THAT,
MIKEY.
NOW, YOU'D BETTER GO.
YOU DON'T WANT
TO BE LATE.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
WHAT ARE YOU
UP TO TONIGHT?
I'M
ENTERTAINING A CLIENT.
YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO GO
THROUGH WITH IT?
YOU'RE SO CUTE.
IT'LL BE
OVER BEFORE
YOU KNOW IT.
HOW LONG CAN
YOU KEEP THE
CHICKEN WARM?
IT'S FINE.
I WRAPPED IT IN FOIL.
HUH!
SOUNDS LIKE MY MOM'S RECIPE.
COOK FOR ONE WEEK,
REMOVE ALL FLAVOR, EAT.
HEY.
YOU MIGHT AS WELL
FACE IT, HONEY.
[ Sigh Of Remorse ]
HE'S NOT GOING
TO SHOW UP.
YOU KNOW BRIAN.
HE'S ALWAYS--
FASHIONABLY
LATE?
WHEN WILL YOU
EVER LEARN?
[ Sighing ]
[ Dance ]
I WASN'T SURE
YOU'D COME.
I ALWAYS COME WHEN
I SAY I'M GOING TO.
WE'LL HAVE A
BOTTLE OF CHATEAU
CHEVAL-BLANC, '97.
UH, I'LL HAVE
A DIET PEPSI.
WAITER:
CERTAINLY.
IS THAT HUGO BOSS?
WHERE?
YOUR JACKET.
OH.
[ Chuckling ]
UM... YEP.
IT'S... IT'S
NOT EVEN MINE.
IT BELONGS TO
MY FRIEND, BRIAN.
I BET HE DOESN'T
LOOK HALF AS GOOD
IN IT AS YOU.
HE LOOKS BETTER.
I FIND THAT
HARD TO BELIEVE.
HE CAN LOOK GOOD
IN ANYTHING.
HE EVEN LOOKS
GOOD IN NOTHING.
GOOD BODY?
AWESOME. WHEN HE WALKS
INTO BABYLON,
HEADS TURN LIKE
POLICE LIGHTS JUST
TO LOOK AT HIM.
SOUNDS LIKE
I COULD MAKE A FORTUNE
DOING NECK ADJUSTMENTS.
[ Snickering ]
EVERYBODY WANTS HIM.
DO YOU?
[ Chuckling ]
ME? NO.
HE'S MY BEST FRIEND
SINCE HIGH SCHOOL.
WE'D NEVER--
GOOD. I WAS STARTING
TO GET JEALOUS.
DON'T WORRY.
BESIDES, HE'S NOT
EVEN INTERESTED IN ME.
I'M SURPRISED.
I THINK IT WOULD
BE VERY EASY
TO BE INTERESTED
IN YOU.
[ Sniffing ]
EXCELLENT.
THIS IS EXCELLENT TOO.
[ Chuckle ]
YOU KNOW A LOT
ABOUT WINE, HUH?
I HAVE A
COLLECTION.
I JUST BOUGHT
A BOTTLE
OF '61 PETRUS ON eBAY.
OH, MY GOD,
YOU GO ON eBAY?
YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE
WHAT I JUST GOT.
A MAY 1960FLASH
FROM THE SILVER AGE. "THE
MYSTERY OF THE ELONGATED MAN."
I HAVE BEEN LOOKING
FOR THIS FORYEARS!
UH, IT'S A--
IT'S A COMIC BOOK.
I HAVE A COLLECTION.
WELL, YOU'RE
OBVIOUSLY VERY
PASSIONATE ABOUT IT.
IT'S LIKE EVERY
TIME I FIND ONE,
I'M A KID AGAIN,
UP IN MY OLD ROOM.
THE MYSTERY OF
THE PERPETUAL BOY.
TO THE FLASH.
THE FLASH.
GO ON.
TAKE IT OFF.
EVERYTHING.
MARVIN:
W-WAIT.
COULD YOU... GO
A LITTLE SLOWER?
OH, YOU WANT A SHOW?
UH-HUH.
SURE, WHY NOT?
STOP.
YOU HAVE A
BEAUTIFUL BODY.
I KNOW.
[ Ringing Of Telephone ]
[ Ringing Of Telephone ]
ARE YOU GONNA GET THAT?
s**t!
[ Grunt Of Pain ]
YES?
WHAT IS IT?
WELL, HOW IS SHE?
IS SHE BADLY HURT?
LOOK, YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO HANDLE IT.
I'M IN A MEETING.
NO, THERE'S NO WAY
I CAN LEAVE!
LOOK,
I JUST TOLD YOU.
I'VE GOT TOO
MUCH GOING ON.
LOOK, TELL HER
I LOVE HER,
AND I'LL BE HOME
TOMORROW, OKAY?
[ Hanging Up Of Phone ]
SO WHERE WERE WE?
IS SOMEONE HURT?
YEAH, THAT'S MY
DAUGHTER. SHE...
BROKE HER ARM
PLAYING BASKETBALL.
- SOUNDS SERIOUS.
- SHE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
- SHE WAS ASKING FOR YOU.
SHE WANTS YOU TO COME HOME.
- SHE'LL UNDERSTAND.
WHAT? THAT YOU'RE
DOWN ON YOUR KNEES
SUCKING c**k?
THERE'S NOTHING
THAT I CAN DO ANYWAY.
I CAN.
COULD YOU
PREPARE MR. TELSON'S BILL?
HE'LL BE
CHECKING OUT IMMEDIATELY.
COULD YOU HAVE A CAR
WAITING TO TAKE HIM
TO THE AIRPORT?
YOUR VISIT
TO QUEER WORLD'S
OVER, MARVIN.
BETTER GO BACK
TO YOUR WIFE AND KIDS
AND $30 MILLION-A-YEAR BUSINESS.
YOU'D BE A FOOL
TO THROW THAT AWAY.
YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE NOT AS SMART
AS I THOUGHT.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA TELL RYDER
WHEN HE ASKS WHY YOU DIDN'T
GET THE ACCOUNT?
I'LL TELL HIM WE COULDN'T
PROVIDE THE SERVICES
YOU REQUIRED.
I HAD A REALLY NICE TIME.
SO DID I.
THANKS FOR DINNER.
MY PLEASURE.
SO, YOU WANNA COME UP?
OH, I CAN'T. I'VE GOT
MY FIRST PATIENT AT 7:30.
HEY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
I THOUGHT--
I MEAN,
DON'T YOU WANNA--
I ASKED YOU OUT
'CAUSE I WANTED TO
GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER,
NOT BECAUSE
I WANTED A QUICK f**k.
LOOK, I'LL CALL YOU.
[ Dance ]
[ Clamoring ]
I KNEW YOU COULDN'T
STAY AWAY.
I'M JUST STRICTLY HERE
AS AN OBSERVER.
YEAH, SO WHAT ELSE
IS NEW?
MM. SOMEBODY MUST'VE
EATEN SOMETHING THAT
DISAGREED WITH HIM.
IT WAS A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME.
HE PAID FOR DINNER, AND HE
DIDN'T EVEN WANNA f**k.
MAYBE
HE HAS A PROSTATE PROBLEM
OR ONLY ONE TESTICLE.
OR MAYBE HE
DOESN'T LIKE ME.
WHY WOULDN'T
HE LIKE YOU?
SAME REASON
AS EVERYBODY ELSE.
I'M NOT BRIAN.
THAT IS SUCH bulls**t!
HE MUST'VE LIKED--
HE MUST'VE LIKED YOU.
WHY ELSE WOULD HE
ASK YOU OUT?
I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S JUST
YOUR OWN INSECURITIES.
MAYBE HE'S
THE OLD-FASHIONED TYPE. DOESN'T
f**k UNTIL THE SECOND DATE.
WELL, I DON'T CARE.
I'M GONNA GO FIND SOMEBODY
WHO WANTS ME.
THE KITCHEN'S CLOSED.
WERE YOU SLEEPING?
WE HAVE A NEWBORN HERE.
WE NEVER SLEEP.
- SORRY I MISSED DINNER.
- DON'T APOLOGIZE.
IT DOESN'T BECOME YOU.
AND DON'T THINK YOU CAN
FLASH THAT SMILE AND
GET AWAY WITH IT.
THAT MIGHT'VE BEEN CUTE AT 20,
BUT AT 30, IT'S STARTING
TO GET PATHETIC.
TWENTY-NINE.
[ Sighs ]
- HAVE YOU EATEN?
- NO.
COME ON.
[ Moaning ]
[ Baby Cries ]
YOU'RE FANTASTIC.
?? ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR
FIVE, SIX, TAKE IT, DUDE ??
????
????
?? ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR ????
????
Michael: [ Narrating ]
OKAY, SO I'M A GAY MAN
WITH A SUPERHERO FETISH.
YES, WE'RE OUT THERE.
AND NO, IT DOESN'T HAVE
ANYTHING TO DO WITH IMMATURITY.
I THINK WE GAY BOYS
LEARN IMPORTANT LESSONS
FROM COMIC BOOKS.
ONE: THERE ARE A LOT
OF VILLAINS OUT THERE,
SO YOU BETTER DEVELOP
SOME SECRET POWERS.
TWO: IF YOU HAVE A GOOD BODY,
YOU CAN WEAR TIGHT CLOTHES.
AND THREE: IT'S ALWAYS GOOD
TO BE PART OF A DYNAMIC DUO.
I TOTALLY BLEW IT.
DON'T WORRY.
THERE'S STILL PLENTY
OF CREEPY OLD MEN OUT THERE
WHO'D LOVE TO
GET IN YOUR PANTS.
HE WASN'T THAT OLD.
HE WASN'T CREEPY.
HE WAS NICE.
MY FIRST DOCTOR.
CHIROPRACTOR.
THAT COUNTS...
I THINK.
UH, WE GOT IN
THE NEW CATWOMAN.
COOL.
HE TAKES ME TO THIS
REALLY NICE RESTAURANT,
AND I BEHAVE LIKE
A f**king IDIOT,
DRESSED UP LIKE
SOME SLICK a**hole.
HEY, THAT WAS
MY $1,200 LEATHER JACKET.
IT WASN'T ME.
YOU KNOW WHY?
'CAUSE I'M NOBODY.
THAT'S MY PROBLEM.
ARE YOU EVEN
LISTENING TO ME?
I TUNE OUT SELF-PITY.
IT MAKES MY d*ck SOFT.
AND WE WOULDN'T
WANT THAT...
WOULD WE?
JUST FORGET
I SAID ANYTHING.
[ Clears Throat ]
OH, WOW. LOOK.
IT'S THE NEW ELECTRA WOMAN DOLL.
I'M GOING TO BUY THIS FOR GUS.
DON'T. I DON'T WANT
A GAY KID.
HE'S BEING RAISED
BY TWO LESBIANS.
HE'S GOING TO NEED
A FEMININE INFLUENCE.
BESIDES, IT'LL BE
A COLLECTOR'S ITEM.
I'LL TAKE IT.
I'M GOING OVER THERE.
- I'LL GO TOO.
- NO.
YOU'RE GOING
BACK TO THE DOCTOR.
TELL HIM YOU WANT TO
GIVE IT ANOTHER TRY.
DOES YOUR MOM KNOW
YOU'RE OUT BUYING JEWELRY?
OH, SHE'S TOTALLY COOL
WITH EVERYTHING.
OR AT LEAST SHE'S
PRETENDING TO BE
BECAUSE SHE'S SCARED
I'LL RUN AWAY AND
BECOME A HAIRDRESSER.
I HATE YOU.
MY MOM'S SUCH A b*tch,
AND I HAVEN'T EVEN
GIVEN HER A REASON YET.
- HOW ABOUT THESE?
- THEY'RE TOTALLY QUEER.
SHUT UP.
THEY'RE A SYMBOL
OF OUR FRIENDSHIP.
OKAY. THANKS.
ACTUALLY, I DON'T
HAVE ANY MONEY.
I HAD TO BUY
A NEW FAKE I.D.
LOOK!
THAT'S THEM!
BRIAN'S LESBIANS.
HEY! HEY,
HOW'S IT GOING?
I'M SORRY.
DO WE KNOW YOU?
I'M JUSTIN.
BRIAN'S FRIEND.
I WAS THERE THE NIGHT
GUS WAS BORN. I NAMED HIM.
OH, RIGHT.
YEAH.
SO WHEN GUS
ENDS UP PUMPING GAS,
WE'LL HAVE YOU TO THANK.
- [ Chuckles ]
- THIS IS DAPHNE.
HI. I'M NOT A LESBIAN,
BUT I-I'M A BIG FAN.
- [ Chuckles ]
- HE'S GOTTEN SO BIG ALREADY.
YOU WOULD TOO
IF ALL YOU DID WAS SLEEP
AND EAT ALL DAY.
- HE DOES.
- HE'S LIKE THE CUTEST BABY
I'VE EVER SEEN.
- IF YOU NEED A BABY-SITTER--
- DON'T SAY THAT
UNLESS YOU MEAN IT.
AND IF YOU NEED ANY HELP
CARRYING STUFF TO THE CAR,
I'D BE GLAD
TO BE OF ASSISTANCE.
WOW, YOU'RE GOOD
FOR 1,001 USES.
Daphne:
I'LL SEE YOU LATER?
Justin: I DON'T KNOW.
I'M OUT.
AT WORK?
THAT'S FABULOUS.
OUT OF THE SCENE,
I MEAN.
I'VE MADE UP MY MIND.
NO MORE BARS,
NO MORE BATHS,
NO MORE CLUBS.
YOU'LL NEVER SEE MY FACE
AT BABYLON AGAIN.
OH, PLEASE! YOU CAN'T LET
ONE LITTLE DRUG-INDUCED COMA
GET YOU DOWN.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
YOU LOOK
UNBELIEVABLY TRASHY.
TALKED ME INTO IT.
I'LL BUY IT.
YOU MISSED
MY POINT ENTIRELY.
EVERYTHING WE DO,
EVEN THE CLOTHES WE WEAR,
IS A CONSCIOUS, OR WORSE YET,
UNCONSCIOUS ATTEMPT TO GET LAID.
YES, IT'S TRUE. THERE IS
AN OVEREMPHASIS ON SEX.
BUT WHY NOT BUY
TWO SIZES TOO SMALL
AND GO WITH IT?
BECAUSE, TRAGICALLY,
SOME OF US WERE NOT BORN
TO WEAR LYCRA.
HERE, CHECK OUT
THE PERSONALS.
PERHAPS YOU'LL FIND SOMEONE
TO NOT GO OUT WITH.
YOU KNOW, ONE THING I NEVER
UNDERSTOOD ABOUT THESE ADS,
WHY IS IT ALWAYS "TIT WORK"
AND "a** PLAY"?
IF YOU ASK ME,
IT'S A LOT HARDER TO--
LOOK AT THIS, AT THE CENTER.
"DATE-BAIT: MEET OTHER
SINGLE GAY MEN
"IN A CIVILIZED EVENING
OF CONVERSATION.
NO PICK-UPS,
NO FACE-TO-FACE REJECTION."
THEY HAVE
AN OVER-30 NIGHT.
WHERE? AT THE MORGUE?
JUST FOR THAT,
YOU'RE GOING WITH ME.
I AM NOT OVER 30.
AND I AM NOT GOING ALONE.
I DIDN'T REALIZE
WE HAD SCHEDULED
A FOLLOW-UP VISIT.
WE DIDN'T. I TOLD THEM
IT WAS AN EMERGENCY.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
I'M A JERK.
CAN YOU ADJUST THAT?
PROVIDED IT'S NOT
A PERMANENT CONDITION.
SEE, THE THING IS,
I DON'T DATE VERY OFTEN.
YOU KNOW, REAL
"EAT A MEAL, TALK,
STARE INTO EACH OTHER'S EYES"
KIND OF DATES.
SO I-I KIND OF FREAKED.
AND I'M SORRY
I WAS SUCH AN a**hole.
YOU WEREN'T...
AN a**hole.
BELIEVE ME,
I'VE SEEN a**holeS AND--
I MEAN, UH--
I FEEL SHITTY ABOUT IT.
AND...
I REALLY LIKE YOU.
AND I THINK YOU MIGHT
ACTUALLY HAVE LIKED ME.
I DO LIKE YOU.
YOU DO?
WELL, DO YOU THINK
WE COULD START OVER?
SIT DOWN.
YOU'RE ADORABLE,
YOU KNOW THAT?
[ Knocking On Door ]
Brian: I GOT
SOMETHING FOR GUS.
[ Chuckles ]
THAT'S SO SWEET.
WE'LL CALL MICHAEL
LATER TO THANK HIM.
Gus: [ Cooing ]
HOW LONG HAVE
YOU BEEN DRAWING?
MY MOM BROUGHT ME CRAYONS
WHEN I WAS STILL IN THE CRIB.
I NEVER STOPPED.
WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?
WE RAN INTO EACH OTHER
ON THE STREET.
IT WAS LIKE,
THIS WEIRD COINCIDENCE.
I BET.
YOU KNOW,
THESE ARE GOOD.
THAT'S WHAT MY MOM SAYS.
LINDSAY'S AN ART TEACHER.
FOR SOMEONE YOUR AGE,
YOU HAVE AN AMAZING FEEL
FOR THE HUMAN FORM.
I'VE NOTICED
THAT MYSELF.
- LOOK AT THIS.
- OH, DON'T SHOW HIM.
OHH.
MMM.
- WHEN DID YOU DRAW THAT?
- WHEN YOU WERE ASLEEP.
AH, CIRCUMCISED.
JUST LIKE I THOUGHT.
YOU KNOW,
THERE'S GOING TO BE
AN ART SHOW AT THE G.L.C.
WHAT'S THAT?
THE GAY
AND LESBIAN CENTER.
SAFE HAVEN FOR FAGS
WHO CAN'T GET LAID.
YOU KNOW, IT MIGHT BE GOOD
TO GET OUT AND MEET SOME NICE
YOUNG MEN FOR A CHANGE.
IT'S THE ANNUAL FUND-RAISER.
MELANIE AND I ARE ON THE BOARD.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE
YOUR WORK IN THE SHOW?
YOU MEAN, PEOPLE
SEEING MY STUFF?
- YEAH.
- THAT'D BE INTENSE.
BUT... YEAH.
GOOD. GIVE HIM
SOME ACTIVITY
SO HE'LL STOP
STALKING ME.
DON'T FLATTER YOURSELF.
Melanie:
[ Laughing ]
WE LIKE JUSTIN.
JUSTIN CAN STAY.
WE'LL MAKE SURE
EVERYONE COMES.
- INCLUDING YOU.
- [ Mouthing ]
WRITE DOWN THE NUMBERS
OF THE MEN YOU'RE INTERESTED IN.
AND IF THE COMPUTER
MATCHES YOU UP,
YOU HAVE TO
GO OUT ON A DATE.
THOSE ARE THE RULES.
HI, UH, MY NAME IS BRUCE.
I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.
I ONLY CAME OUT
ABOUT A YEAR AGO.
I LIKE, UH, BEN AND
JERRY'S CHUBBY HUBBY.
I TEACH PIANO AND VOICE
AT CARNEGIE-MELLON.
AND WATCHING "FRASIER".
MY FRIEND MADE ME COME.
I'M LOOKING FOR A NICE GUY
WHO LIKES CHIHUAHUAS.
I HAVE THREE.
MY BOYFRIEND WOULD
KILL ME IF HE KNEW.
AND I HAVE
A SPEEDO FETISH.
ESPECIALLY
RED AND TEAL.
I RECENTLY, UH,
WENT HOME WITH THIS...
VERY CUTE BOY THAT
I MET AT BABYLON.
UH, HE HAD SOME DRUGS.
I ALSO CONDUCT
THE LOCAL GAY MEN'S CHORUS.
I HOPE YOU'LL ALL COME
TO OUR UPCOMING CONCERT.
I WANTED TO SEEM YOUNG
AND SEXY SO I TOOK SOME,
AND I ENDED UP IN A COMA.
HMM. AND, UH...
AND I WOULD LOVE SOMEONE
TO COME HOME TO
AFTER REHEARSAL.
NOW...
I'M LOOKING FOR
A RELATIONSHIP BASED
ON SOMETHING REAL.
AND I THOUGHT MAYBE THERE
MIGHT BE SOMEONE HERE WHO'S
LOOKING FOR THE SAME THING.
AND, UH, THAT'S ALL.
FAGGOTS, FAGGOTS
EVERYWHERE AND NOT
A DROP TO DRINK.
I CAN HONESTLY SAY
I HAVE NO DESIRE TO HAVE SEX
WITH ANY OF THESE PEOPLE.
ME NEITHER.
WHEW... IT'S A START.
I'VE NEVER SEEN
SO MANY COMIC BOOKS.
THAT'S WHAT EVERYBODY
I BRING HOME SAYS.
I MEAN... PEOPLE
HAVE TOLD ME THAT.
MM-HMM.
WHO'S THE BIG FELLA?
CAPTAIN ASTRO.
UM, MY FRIEND EMMETT,
HE'S STAYING WITH ME.
IT WAS TO BE
A TEMPORARY THING, BUT HE'S
BECOME SORT OF A SQUATTER.
HE MAY COME HOME
AT ANY TIME,
SO SORRY ABOUT THAT.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
APOLOGIZE FOR EVERYTHING.
I KNOW. I DO THAT.
I'M SORRY.
UM--
DO YOU WANT ANYTHING?
UM, JUICE?
BEER.
I DON'T HAVE
ANY WINE.
SLOW.
HI, GUYS.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'D LIKE?
UM--
I'LL HAVE
THE BACON CHEESEBURGER,
MEDIUM FRIES,
AND, UH, A PEPSI.
OKAY.
UH, I'LL
HAVE THE, UH,
UH, THE GRILLED TUNA
AND, UM... I, UH...
[ Stammering ]
JUST... I-I'LL
HAVE WATER.
OH, COME ON.
LIVE A LITTLE.
I CAN TELL YOU'VE
BEEN DENYING YOURSELF
FOR WAY TOO LONG.
ALL RIGHT, GIVE ME
WHAT HE'S HAVING.
OKAY, COMING RIGHT UP.
Diners:
[ Mixed Chatter ]
HE HAS A NICE SMILE.
AMONG OTHER ATTRIBUTES.
I'M SURE HE'S
A FINE PERSON.
RHODES SCHOLAR
WOULD BE MY GUESS.
YOU KNOW, ORDINARILY
I'D BE WRACKING MY BRAIN
TO COME UP WITH
SOME PATHETIC LINE
FOR WHEN HE COMES BACK.
LIKE, "I HAVEN'T
SEEN YOU HERE BEFORE.
ARE YOU NEW ?"
OR, UH, "DO I KNOW YOU
FROM SOMEWHERE?
NO? MUST BE IN A DREAM."
"SO WHEN DID THEY START
HIRING MODELS HERE?"
YOU'RE WORSE THAN I AM.
YOU, UM, WANT ME TO GO
TO THE MEN'S ROOM SO YOU CAN
TAKE A CRACK AT HIM, OR--
OH, GOD NO!
[ Groaning ]
IT NEVER WORKED ANYWAY.
ALL THAT
USELESS FLIRTING.
IT IS SUCH A RELIEF
TO BE OUT OF THAT WORLD.
I HAVE A CONFESSION
TO MAKE.
I DIDN'T GO TO
DATE BAIT JUST TO
DRUM UP AN AUDIENCE
FOR OUR 500th
SONDHEIM CONCERT.
I HAD A FEELING.
I WAS HOPING THAT
I WOULD FIND SOMEONE
I COULD CONNECT TO.
SOMEONE
APPROPRIATE.
EXACTLY.
SOMEONE
APPROPRIATE.
WELL...
I SAY LET'S GET
TO KNOW EACH OTHER AND...
SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
TAKE IT SLOW.
I ALWAYS PREFERRED ANDANTE
TO PRESTO ANYWAY.
[ Chuckles ]
Waiter:
OKAY, BOYS.
THESE'LL HELP
COOL YOU DOWN.
Michael:
27 MINUTES ON MY NIPPLES!
I CLOCKED IT.
I MEAN, I EXPECTED
HIM TO KNOW WHAT
TO DO WITH HIS HANDS,
'CAUSE THAT'S
HIS BUSINESS,
BUT HE HAS THE MOST
TALENTED TONGUE.
- EVERY TIME I CAME--
- All: EVERY TIME ?
HE WOULD JUST
KEEP ON GOING.
LICKING ME...
EVERYWHERE.
I ONCE KNEW A GUY WHO COULD TIE
A CHERRY STEM INTO A KNOT
WITH HIS TONGUE.
I WAS AFRAID TO
LET HIM BLOW ME.
27 MINUTES?
W-WAS THAT 13 1/2
ON EACH NIPPLE, OR...?
16 RIGHT, 11 LEFT.
YEAH, THAT'S PROBABLY HOW LONG
IT TAKES HIM TO GET IT UP.
I WOULDN'T KNOW.
I NEVER SAW IT
WHEN IT WAS DOWN.
ANOTHER VIAGRA
SUCCESS STORY.
SO ARE YOU BRINGING HIM
TO WOODY'S TONIGHT?
HE'S NOT REALLY
INTO THE BAR SCENE.
[ Weights Clanging ]
WELL WHAT
IS HE INTO?
HIS LIFE.
Ted:
LIKE THE GUY I MET.
YOU MET SOMEONE?
HE'S VERY NICE.
VERY INTELLIGENT,
VERY INTERESTING.
IS HE A TOP
OR A BOTTOM?
YOU KNOW, NOT
EVERYBODY JUDGES PEOPLE
BY YOUR CRITERIA, OKAY?
ROGER AND I--
[ Chuckles ]
ROGER?
ROGER AND I
HAVE DECIDED
TO GET TO KNOW
EACH OTHER BEFORE
WE HAVE SEX.
WHAT DO YOU THINK
YOU ARE, LESBIANS?
IT'S LIKE
"THE MIRROR HAS TWO FACES".
NO, NO, IT IS.
BECAUSE BARBRA PLAYS
AN UNATTRACTIVE
PROFESSOR; NO OFFENSE,
WHO MARRIES JEFF BRIDGES
BECAUSE NEITHER ONE OF THEM
CAN HANDLE SEX.
BUT OF COURSE BARBARA
GETS HORNY BECAUSE, HELLO,
JEFF'S SUCH A DREAM BOAT.
SO, UM, SHE HOPS
ON A STAIRMASTER
FOR LIKE, TWO MINUTES,
EATS A CARROT STICK
AND THEN, POOF--
SHE GORGEOUS.
THEN SHE COMES IN DRESSED
LIKE THE HOOKER IN "NUTS"
AND OF COURSE JEFF'S
WILLING TO f**k HER.
AND, UM, THEY...
DANCE IN THE STREET.
AND SHE STILL
WASN'T NOMINATED.
YOU KNOW,
YOU DO IT RIGHT AWAY,
OR YOU DON'T DO IT AT ALL.
I'M HAPPY
FOR YOU, MIKEY.
f**k HE IS.
JUSTIN,
DAPHNE'S HERE!
MOLLY--
Daphne: WE'RE
GOING TO BE LATE.
HEY, LOOK. JUSTIN TOLD ME
HOW GREAT YOU'RE BEING
ABOUT EVERYTHING
AND, UH, I JUST WANT
TO SAY I THINK
HE'S REALLY LUCKY
TO HAVE SUCH
AN UNDERSTANDING MOM.
WELL, I'M TRYING.
YEAH, WELL IT
MUST BE HARD,
'CAUSE IN MY FAMILY,
I'M BLACK,
MY PARENTS ARE BLACK.
WE'RE ALL BLACK.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I THINK SO.
OH! DID YOU
SEE THE FLYER?
WHAT FLYER?
FOR THE ART SHOW.
HIS NAME'S REALLY BIG.
WOULD YOU COME ON ALREADY?
GAY AND LESBIAN CENTER?
WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?
OH, MY GOD, YOU MEAN
HE DIDN'T--
HE DOESN'T TELL ME
MUCH THESE DAYS.
OH, PROMISE YOU WON'T
TELL HIM I TOLD YOU
OR HE'LL STOP TELLING ME.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL,
I HEARD YOU
THE FIRST TIME.
AND I DON'T KNOW
WHEN I'LL BE BACK.
JUSTIN!
BE CAREFUL.
Woman: CHRIS,
PASS ME THAT HAMMER.
- YOU'RE REALLY
GOOD AT THAT.
- THANKS.
I LIKE YOU
GUYS' BRACELETS.
OH, THEY'RE FOR FRIENDSHIP.
I MEAN, HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND
OR ANYTHING.
- I FIGURED.
- YOU CAN TELL I'M GAY?
WELL YOU'RE HERE,
AREN'T YOU?
I'M HEADING ON DOWN
TO THE DINER TO GET A SODA.
YOU WANNA COME?
SURE.
WHAT-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
SHE THINKS YOU'RE A LESBIAN.
WELL, CAN'T I BE ONE
OF THE COOL PEOPLE TOO?
YOU'RE A FREAK.
[ Snorts ]
YOU KNOW, YOU
HAVE REAL TALENT.
REALLY?
YOU SHOULD DEVELOP IT.
MAYBE GO TO ART SCHOOL.
I'VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT THAT.
WELL, IF YOU EVER NEED
A RECOMMENDATION.
THANKS.
DO YOU THINK
BRIAN'S GOING TO COME?
DON'T EXPECT TOO MUCH
FROM HIM, OKAY?
WHAT'S TOO MUCH?
ANYTHING AT ALL.
YOU'LL HAVE LOTS OF
RELATIONSHIPS, JUSTIN,
WITH LOTS OF
INTERESTING PEOPLE.
I KNOW YOU DON'T
BELIEVE THAT RIGHT
NOW, BUT YOU WILL.
I JUST WANT HIM TO SEE
HIS PICTURE FRAMED, THAT'S ALL.
???? [ Techno ]
ARE YOU SURE YOU
WANT TO DO THIS?
YEAH, WHY NOT?
I'LL GET A TASTE
OF YOUR WORLD,
SEE WHAT I'M
SAVING YOU FROM.
JUST THE SAME
AS I REMEMBER IT.
EVEN THE GUYS
LOOK THE SAME.
WHY'D YOU STOP?
IT WASN'T FOR ME.
AND I MET SOMEONE.
OH.
YEAH, WE WERE TOGETHER
ALMOST SIX YEARS.
WOW.
SO, WHO LEFT WHO?
HE DIED.
I'M SORRY.
NOBODY'S FAULT.
HI!
[ Giggling ]
SO, IS, UH... IS THIS
THE FAMOUS CHIROPRACTOR?
DAVID,
THIS IS EMMETT.
HI, EMMETT.
HELLO, GORGEOUS.
SO, UM,
SO I'VE, UM...
I'VE GOT A LITTLE
TIGHTNESS RIGHT IN HERE.
ONE PLACE I DON'T NEED IT.
WOULD YOU MIND?
I WOULDN'T MIND AT ALL
IF YOU MADE AN APPOINTMENT.
[ Chuckling ]
WELL, IT'S WORTH A SHOT.
WHERE'S TED?
OUT WITH THE
PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY.
OH, MY GOD.
THAT GUY OVER THERE
LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE
MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY.
MAYBE HE SMOKES POT
NAKED. EXCUSE ME.
[ Chuckles ]
DOESN'T HOLD
ANYTHING BACK, HUH?
HE WAS TONING IT
DOWN FOR YOU.
WHERE THE f**k
HAVE YOU BEEN?
BRIAN, THIS IS DAVID.
OH, f**k ME,
THE NEW BEAU.
I'VE HEARD
A LOT ABOUT YOU.
AND I'VE HEARD
A LOT ABOUT YOU TOO.
SIXTEEN RIGHT,
ELEVEN LEFT.
EXCUSE ME?
NOTHING.
YOU'RE TWEAKED,
WHAT ARE YOU ON?
OH, E, K, GHB.
MOST OF THE LETTERS
ON "SESAME STREET."
YOU'RE GONNA GET DEHYDRATED
TAKING ALL THAT s**t.
I'M GONNA GET YOU SOME WATER.
WANT A BEER?
SURE.
WELL, YOU'VE GOT HIM
WELL-TRAINED.
WELL, HE TAKES CARE OF ME,
AND I TAKE CARE OF HIM.
SO, DOC...
DO YOU f**k ALL
OF YOUR PATIENTS?
WELL, IF YOU'RE
REFERRING TO MICHAEL,
I RELEASED HIM FROM MY CARE,
BEFORE WE WENT
OUT TOGETHER.
[ Clears Throat ]
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
WHAT DO YOU DO?
ADVERTISING.
WELL, YOU MUST KNOW
A THING OR TWO ABOUT
SCREWING PEOPLE YOURSELF.
YEAH, I COULD DO
IT IN MY SLEEP.
I BET YOU COULD.
YOU KNOW, DAVE,
WHAT'S WEIRD ABOUT YOU
MEETING MIKEY?
"MIKEY"?
IS THAT WE USUALLY
MEET GUYS TOGETHER.
AND THEY USUALLY
END UP WITH YOU.
THE LUCKY ONES.
DEBATABLE.
Michael:
SO WHAT'D I MISS?
NOTHING SPECIAL.
OKAY,
IDENTIFY MY FAVORITE
ARIA OF ALL TIME
AND YOU INSTANTLY BECOME
MY NEW FAVORITE PERSON.
OH, WELL,
THANKS FOR NOT PUTTING
ANY PRESSURE ON ME.
???? [ Opera ]
"CLEMENZO DI TITO",
SESTO'S ARIA, ACT TWO.
COME ON,
GIVE ME A TOUGH ONE.
OKAY, STOP TRYING TO
MAKE ME FALL FOR YOU.
WHO'S TRYING?
YOU ARE THE FIRST PERSON
I'VE MET
IN PITTSBURGH
WHO KNOWS SESTO'S ARIA.
I'M THE ONLY OTHER PERSON
WHO KNOWS.
YOU KNOW,
WHEN I WAS A KID,
I USED TO PRETEND I WAS SICK
ON SATURDAY AFTERNOONS
SO I COULD SKIP LITTLE LEAGUE
AND LISTEN TO THE MET
OPERA BROADCASTS
ON THE RADIO.
HUH, I WISH I'D KNOWN YOU.
WE COULD HAVE LISTENED TOGETHER.
???? [ Continues ]
IS, UH,
IS THIS ALLOWED?
[ Silently ]
YEAH.
ONLY, UH...
I'M NOT QUITE...
READY YET.
IT'S OKAY.
BUT I WILL BE SOON.
AND, UH...
I HAVE A FEELING
IT'S GOING TO BE GREAT.
???? [ Continues ]
Michael: YOU HAD
A HIDEOUS TIME, I CAN TELL.
David:
[ Laughing ]
AH, I DON'T MIND GOING OUT
ONCE IN A WHILE.
ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT
I'M A SCENE QUEEN?
YOU ARE A SCENE QUEEN.
WE'RE IN PITTSBURGH,
THERE IS NO SCENE.
YEAH, SO WHAT'S
THE BIG ATTRACTION?
WELL, IF YOU DON'T GO OUT,
YOU DON'T MEET PEOPLE.
YOU MET ME.
RARE EXCEPTION.
BESIDES, MY FRIENDS
ARE HERE--
YOUR FRIENDS?
SOME FRIENDS.
YOUR FRIEND BRIAN
TRIED TO HIT ON ME.
HE DID NOT.
I'VE BEEN
AROUND THE BLOCK.
HE'S ALWAYS LIKE THAT.
BESIDES, HE WAS HIGH.
I'M JUST TELLING YOU.
HE WOULDN'T.
HE DID.
s**t.
WELL, HE CAN'T HAVE YOU.
YOU'RE MINE.
WHOO!
I TOLD YOU,
I'M NOT GOING.
I PROMISED HIM
YOU'D BE THERE.
WELL, YOU SHOULD
STOP MAKING PROMISES
THAT I CAN'T KEEP.
HEY, DON'T BE A s**t.
I'M TRYING TO CLEAN UP
SOME OF YOUR MESS.
LOOK, HE'S THE ONE THAT
THREW HIMSELF AT ME.
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO
GET RID OF HIM.
TELL IT TO THE JUDGE.
WHEN DID YOU
START SOUNDING LIKE
YOUR GIRLFRIEND?
IT'S TIME YOU BECAME
PART OF THE COMMUNITY.
LOOK, JUST BECAUSE
I f**k GUYS
DOES NOT MEAN I'M PART
OF SOME COMMUNITY.
AND IT DOESN'T MEAN
I HAVE ANYTHING IN COMMON
WITH SOMEONE ELSE WHO DOES.
YOU KNOW, IT'S MORE
THAN THAT. WE NEED TO
TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER.
I DON'T NEED TO
TAKE CARE OF ANYONE,
AND I DON'T NEED ANYONE
TO TAKE CARE OF ME.
ONE DAY YOU MIGHT.
f**k GROUPS.
I THOUGHT YOU DID.
OCCASIONALLY, BUT IT'S
BY INVITATION ONLY.
???? [ Piano ]
DID YOU SEE THIS?
THEY'RE CHARGING $100
FOR EVERY ONE
OF YOUR DRAWINGS.
YOU COULD BE RICH.
IT'S CHARITY.
I DON'T GET TO KEEP IT.
STILL.
[ Sighing ]
AND WOULD YOU
STOP WATCHING THE DOOR?
HE PLAYS BEAUTIFULLY,
DOESN'T HE?
I'M ALL A-TINGLE.
SO HAVE YOU
TWO HAD SEX YET?
WOULD YOU KEEP
YOUR VOICE DOWN?
WELL, WHEN ARE YOU?
WHEN WE BOTH KNOW IT'S
THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
SEX IS NEVER
THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
FEEDING THE POOR
IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
HIRING THE HANDICAPPED
IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
DONATING BLOOD--
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
YOU MADE YOUR POINT.
EVERYONE LOVES
YOUR DRAWINGS.
Melanie: YOU GUYS
CHECK OUT THE FOOD?
I'M NOT HUNGRY.
OKAY. HOW ABOUT THE CUTE GUYS?
THERE'S SOME RIGHT OVER THERE
JUST ABOUT YOUR AGE.
HE'S HERE.
Melanie:
MMM! YIPPEE.
WELL, AREN'T YOU GOING TO
GO OVER THERE?
ARE YOU CRAZY?
THANKS FOR COMING.
WHATEVER.
WHERE'S THE BACK ROOM?
LINDSAY,
THIS IS DAVID.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
WHOO! MICHAEL.
LET'S GO CHECK
OUT THE VAGINA
SCULPTURES FIRST,
GET IT OVER WITH.
THE FAMOUS "ART-EEST."
DID YOU SEE MY STUFF?
NO, I HAD TO
GET A DRINK FIRST.
IT'S OVER THERE,
IN CASE YOU'RE INTERESTED.
PSST.
I THINK THE ARTIST
HAS TAKEN SOME LIBERTIES.
Brian: OH, THAT'S
A PERFECT LIKENESS.
Michael: COME ON,
IT WAS NEVER THAT BIG.
HEY, YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT
IN A LONG TIME.
I HAVEN'T SEEN
"GONE WITH THE WIND"
IN A LONG TIME EITHER,
BUT I KNOW IT'S STILL
THREE AND A HALF HOURS.
THE BRIAN AND
MICHAEL SHOW.
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
STUCK IN PERPETUAL RERUNS.
IS IT ALWAYS LIKE THAT?
MICHAEL RUNNING AFTER HIM?
IT'S THE GREATEST LOVE STORY
NEVER TOLD, TRUST ME.
OH, WHAT WAS YOUR NAME?
DAVID.
MELANIE.
TRUST ME, DAVID,
LONG AFTER YOU'RE GONE,
HE'LL STILL HAVE MICHAEL.
BRIAN'S LITTLE
ACOLYTE, POOR GUY.
OH, BUT DON'T WORRY.
MICHAEL CAN WAIT FOREVER.
BRIAN'LL NEVER f**k HIM.
PARDON MY FRENCH.
BY THE WAY, I HEARD
YOU HIT ON DAVID LAST NIGHT.
[ Chuckles ]
I COULDN'T HAVE
BEEN THAT HIGH.
YOU WERE.
AND YOU DID.
I WAS TESTING HIM.
I WANTED TO SEE
IF HE'D DROP YOU
THE FIRST CHANCE HE GOT.
OH, YEAH RIGHT.
AREN'T I ALWAYS
LOOKING OUT FOR YOU?
YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE
SOMEBODY FINALLY THINKS
I'M HOT OR SOMETHING.
YOU ARE HOT
OR SOMETHING.
I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU
THAT SINCE YOU WERE 14.
BUT YOU WON'T BELIEVE ME.
SO, I SUPPOSE I JUST
KEEP HIM COMPANY
WHILE MICHAEL WAITS.
OH! OH, s**t!
OH, YOU'RE WITH MICHAEL.
YEAH.
UM, OH, JESUS,
I-I'M SORRY.
I-I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
I-I MEAN-- WELL,
I-I MEAN BRIAN'S THE ONE
THAT'S ALWAYS SHOWING
UP WITH SOME NEW GUY,
SO I JUST ASSUMED THAT, UM--
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
WELL, YOU KNOW, THEY, THEY'RE--
THEY LOVE EACH OTHER,
BUT THAT'S IT.
THAT'S REALLY--
THAT'S ALL IT IS.
REALLY, IT'S NOT
LIKE I DIDN'T KNOW.
DO YOU WANT
A SHRIMP BALL?
- NO.
- HEH.
THANKS.
[ Mouthing ]
NOW THAT'S WHAT
I CALL A PIECE.
OF ART.
[ Snickering ]
I'VE ALWAYS ADMIRED
CREATIVE PEOPLE.
YOU'RE PRETTY CREATIVE
YOURSELF THERE, MISSY.
[ Scoffing ]
NOT ME.
BUT MICHAEL,
HE'S GOT A GIFT.
I DIDN'T KNOW
HE COULD DRAW.
OH, HE CAN'T.
I BOUGHT HIM TRACING PAPER
WHEN HE WAS A KID SO HE COULD
COPY HIS COMIC BOOKS.
HIS SPIDERMAN
ALWAYS ENDED UP
LOOKING MORE LIKE
LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE.
WELL,
WHAT'S HIS TALENT?
WELL, IT'S NOTHING
HE'D BE FAMOUS FOR.
YOU WON'T EVER
SEE HIS...
PAINTINGS HANGING
IN AN ART GALLERY OR...
HEAR HIM PLAYING
AT CARNEGIE HALL.
BUT WHEN IT COMES TO
TAKING CARE OF PEOPLE--
KNOWING WHAT YOU NEED
BETTER EVEN THAN YOU DO--
HE'S A FUCKIN' PICASSO.
BEAUTIFUL LIGHT
AND SHADOW.
VERY...
HAUNTING.
THE PHOTOGRAPHER
HAS A GREAT EYE.
STRONG...
COMPOSITION.
YOU CAN'T STAY,
YOU HAVE TO LEAVE.
NOW, JUSTIN, DON'T BE MEAN.
I'VE KEPT MY END
OF THE BARGAIN.
NOW-NOW I WOULD LIKE TO
SEE MY SON'S WORK.
I WON'T EMBARRASS YOU.
I PROMISE.
JUSTIN, IS THIS
YOUR MOTHER?
HI, I'M JENNIFER.
MELANIE.
LINDSAY.
YOU KNOW, YOUR SON'S
REMARKABLY TALENTED.
YOU SHOULD BE VERY PROUD.
WELL, THANK YOU.
I AM.
AND WHAT
A BEAUTIFUL BABY.
HIS NAME'S GUS.
ACTUALLY, JUSTIN'S
THE ONE WHO NAMED HIM.
REALLY? WELL, THAT WAS
HIS TEDDY BEAR'S NAME.
AW!
OH, A TEDDY BEAR.
MOM!
UM, ARE YOU
THE MOTHER?
UH, YES, BUT WE'RE
RAISING HIM TOGETHER.
WELL, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
I'VE NEVER MET
LESBIAN MOTHERS BEFORE.
I MEAN, I-I READ
ABOUT YOU... THEM,
IN THE PAPERS
ALL THE TIME.
YEAH, SEEMS LIKE THERE'S
ALWAYS SOME JUDGE IN ALABAMA
TRYING TO TAKE OUR KIDS AWAY.
- THAT'S WHY
I MARRIED A LAWYER.
- [ Chuckles ]
MM.
HAVE YOU
SEEN THE ART?
NOT YET. WHERE'S
YOUR STUFF, HONEY?
SHE CAME.
THAT'S HUGE.
TREMENDOUS ENERGY.
IT REALLY COMES
RIGHT OUT AT YOU.
ROGER...
I THINK I'M READY.
I PROMISED TO
PLAY THE PIANO.
- YOU'RE JUST VOLUNTEERING.
- YOU'RE RIGHT. f**k 'EM!
WHO'S THAT
GUY YOU DREW?
????
???? [ Opera ]
OH, SORRY!
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
[ Clock Ticking ]
???? [ Continues ]
[ Clocks Ticking ]
OUCH!
I'M SORRY.
IT'S OKAY.
[ Many Clocks Ticking ]
I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
WHAT?
NO, I-I CAN'T.
WHAT IS IT?
IS SOMETHING WRONG?
IT JUST WON'T WORK.
I THOUGHT
I COULD DO THIS.
I REALLY DID.
I MEAN, YOU ARE
SO NICE AND SMART
AND TALENTED.
AND YOU PLAY THE PIANO
BEAUTIFULLY.
BUT? WELL?
GO ON, SAY IT.
YOU'RE JUST NOT MY TYPE.
TYPE?
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
GOD! I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
AFTER ALL THAT?
I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T WANT
SEX TO BE EVERYTHING.
YEAH, BUT...
I'D LIKE IT
TO BE SOMETHING.
YOU'RE JUST LIKE
ALL THE OTHERS.
[ Angry Muttering ]
WHERE'S MY SOCK?
LOOK, IT'S MY FAULT,
I ADMIT IT.
I MEAN, I-I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THE HELL'S
WRONG WITH ME.
I MEAN, YOU'RE A CATCH.
ANY STRAIGHT WOMAN
WOULD FIND YOU
INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE.
OH, IS THAT SUPPOSED TO
MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?
f**k YOU.
LOOK, I KNOW WE SHARE
ALL THE IMPORTANT THINGS--
MUSIC,
A SENSE OF HUMOR.
THIS WOULD BE
A TOTALLY APPROPRIATE
RELATIONSHIP FOR ME.
THE ONLY PROBLEM IS,
IS THAT SEX
ISN'T APPROPRIATE.
YOU KNOW, I WAS WRONG.
YOU'RE NOT LIKE
ALL THE OTHERS,
YOU'RE WORSE.
BECAUSE YOU THINK
KNOWING SESTO'S ARIA
FROM "CLEMENZO DI TITO"
SOMEHOW MAKES YOU BETTER.
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU,
YOU'RE NOTHING
BUT A PRETENTIOUS,
SELF-INVOLVED, BORING a**hole,
WHO'S STILL HANGING
AROUND WITH YOUNGER GUYS
WHO DON'T WANT YOU
AND NEVER WILL.
YOU'RE PATHETIC!
AND WHAT ABOUT YOU?
YOU KNOW, AFTER YOU CONDUCT
YOUR 501st TRIBUTE TO SONDHEIM,
YOU MIGHT TRY
GOING TO A GYM.
YOU KNOW, GET ON A TREADMILL
FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, WOULD YA?
AND DO SOMETHING
ABOUT YOUR BREATH!
LISTEN.
I DON'T SUPPOSE
WE COULD STILL BE FRIENDS.
???? [ Opera ]
???? [ Dance ]
SO I THOUGHT,
"OKAY, HE'S HAVING...
EXPERIENCES."
BUT WITH BOYS
HIS OWN AGE.
THIS... MAN,
HE MUST BE IN HIS THIRTIES.
WELL NOT YET,
BUT I'LL BE HAPPY
TO TELL HIM YOU THOUGHT SO.
WELL IT'S NOT RIGHT.
IT HAPPENS.
IF HIS FATHER
FINDS OUT--
TELL ME ABOUT HIM,
THIS... PERSON.
I HAVE TO KNOW.
BRIAN KINNEY.
GOD'S GIFT
TO GAY P.A.
THEY ALL WANT BRIAN.
BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS,
NO ONE CAN HAVE HIM.
HE SCREWS THEM,
BREAKS THEIR HEART
AND THEY WISE UP.
WELL, MOST OF
THEM ANYWAY.
SO, THIS, UH...
BRIAN KINNEY...
HE'S GOING TO
HURT MY SON.
WHAT DO I DO?
NOTHING.
THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO
WITHOUT MAKING IT WORSE.
HE'S ONLY 17.
HOW OLD WERE YOU
THE FIRST TIME?
SIXTEEN.
FIFTEEN.
ANYWAY, IF IT MAKES YOU
FEEL ANY BETTER,
I'VE KNOWN BRIAN
SINCE HE WAS 14.
HE HASN'T CHANGED MUCH.
IN FACT, I'D SAY
HE AND JUSTIN
ARE PRETTY EVENLY MATCHED.
[ Sighing ]
I DON'T KNOW IF
I CAN BE SO ACCEPTING.
HONEY.
JENNIFER.
YOU DON'T HAVE
TOO MUCH CHOICE.
ALL YOU CAN DO IS HOPE
THAT THEY'LL BE CAREFUL,
AND THAT THEY REMEMBER
YOUR PHONE NUMBER.
[ Scoffs ]
HERE.
DON'T YOU DARE.
THIS IS ON ME.
THANKS.
OH, HERE.
GIVE HIM WHAT HE NEEDS.
???? [ Dance ]
ADMIT IT!
YOU MISSED ALL THIS.
THE RAMPANT NARCISSISM,
THE SLEAZE, THE DRUG USE?
I DON'T THINK SO.
SO WHY'D YOU COME BACK?
WHEN I FIGURE IT OUT,
I'LL LET YOU KNOW.
OH, LOOK, IT'S
THE CAST OF "ZOOM".
WE'RE CELEBRATING.
JUSTIN SOLD SOME
OF HIS ART TODAY.
THE ONE OF YOU,
NAKED.
WHO'D BUY THAT?
PROBABLY SOME DESPERATE QUEEN
WHO'S ALWAYS PINED FOR YOU.
OH, TED.
HOW THOUGHTFUL.
???? [ Continues ]
OH, MY GOD, I USED
TO LOVE THIS SONG!
THEN, LET'S DANCE.
I GOTTA PEE.
?? OO-OOH
YOU CAN DANCE ??
?? YOU CAN JIVE ??
OKAY, DR. FEELGOOD.
LET ME SEE YOU SHAKE
YOUR GROOVE THANG.
COME ON.
?? WATCH THAT SCENE
DIG IN THE DANCING QUEEN ??
OOH, HE CAN DANCE.
HE IS GAY, AFTER ALL.
?? FRIDAY NIGHT
AND THE LIGHTS ARE LOW ??
?? LOOKING OUT FOR
A PLACE TO GO ??
?? WHERE THEY PLAY
THE RIGHT MUSIC
GETTING IN THE SWING ??
ANYBODY EVER TELL YOU
YOU'RE A BAD INFLUENCE?
YOU ARE--
?? ANYBODY COULD
BE THAT GUY ??
?? THE NIGHT IS YOUNG
AND THE MUSIC'S HIGH ??
?? WHEN YOU HEAR
THE RIGHT MUSIC
EVERYTHING IS FINE ??
?? YOU'RE IN THE MOOD
FOR A DANCE
AND WHEN YOU-- ????
HI.
HOW YOU DOING?
BETTER.
NO THANKS TO YOU.
HUH.
I NEVER REALLY
KNEW FOR SURE WHAT
HAPPENED THAT NIGHT.
SO, UH, I FIGURED
YOU CAME OUT OF IT OKAY.
I KEPT LOOKING IN THE PAPERS.
GEE, THAT'S...
REALLY THOUGHTFUL.
I, UH...
WAITED ON THE CORNER...
AFTER I CALLED THE PARAMEDICS,
TO MAKE SURE THEY CAME.
YOU MEAN YOU
CALLED 9-1-1?
I DIDN'T WANT
TO STICK AROUND.
I WAS AFRAID, YOU KNOW,
THE DRUGS AND s**t.
RIGHT.
I MEAN, YOU TOOK SO MUCH,
I WAS LIKE, "WHOA".
ANYWAY...
I'M GLAD YOU'RE OKAY.
WELL, UH...
MAYBE WE COULD,
UH, GET TOGETHER
AGAIN SOME TIME.
WITHOUT THE PARAMEDICS.
[ Chuckles ]
Man: THERE YOU ARE.
WHAT'S TAKING YOU SO LONG?
JUST TALKING
TO SOME GUY.
WHAT'S YOUR
NAME AGAIN?
TED.
TED, RIGHT.
YEAH, I'LL...
SEE YOU LATER.
SEE YA.
???? [ Continues ]
HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?
- YO!
- HI. HOW ARE YOU?
HI!
HEY, HOW ARE--
HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?
IT'S A GREAT LITTLE
COLLAR THAT YOU GOT.
- AS IF.
- HOW'S IT GOING?
YOU TWO ARE TOGETHER,
THAT'S SOMETHING.
OH, MY GOD, YOU DID IT
IN THE LITTLE BOYS' ROOM.
- NOPE.
- YOU GOT SOMEBODY'S
PHONE NUMBER?
I WAS REJECTED
BY EVERYBODY.
IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK!
LET'S GET YOU
A COCKTAIL.
OKAY.
???? [ Continues ]
HEY, HOT STUFF,
YOU WANT TO DANCE?
I DON'T THINK SO.
WELL, WHAT DO
YOU WANT TO DO?
TAKE YOU HOME.
[ Glass Breaking ]
WHOA, WHOA.
WHOA, WHOA!
[ Laughing ]
David:
CAPTAIN ASTRO.
[ Moaning ]
[ Sighing ]
[ Moaning ]
[ Breathing loudly ]
WHO ARE YOU
THINKING ABOUT?
WHAT?
WHEN YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES,
WHO ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT?
[ Drunken Giggling ]
????
?? ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR
ONE, TWO, THREE ??
??FOUR, FIVE, SIX
TAKE IT, DUDE ??
???? [ Continues ]
?? WAY TO GO ??
?? ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR ??
???? [ Rock Blaring ]
DID YOU
SEE THAT ?
KIND OF HARD TO MISS.
IT'S SO GROSS.
I THINK
IT'S COOL.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE
ACTUALLY DOING THIS...
FOR HIM.
IT'S NOT FOR HIM.
I MEAN, JUST BECAUSE
HE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND--
HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND.
I DON'T DO BOYFRIENDS.
BESIDES, HALF THE KIDS
IN THE SCHOOL HAVE THEIR
NOSES OR THEIR EARS PIERCED.
ERICA JACOBSON EVEN HAS
HER BELLYBUTTON PIERCED.
ERICA JACOBSON IS A wh*re.
A-AND IT'S
DANGEROUS.
THIS GIRL IN
TEXAS, HER BOYFRIEND
WENT TO KISS HER,
HIS BRACES GOT CAUGHT
IN HER TONGUE RING, RIPPED IT
CLEAR OUT OF HER MOUTH.
THINGS LIKE THAT
ALWAYS HAPPEN IN TEXAS.
AND WHAT ABOUT
THAT GUY WITH THE STUD
IN HIS NOSTRIL ?
GANGRENE SET IN. HE HAD TO HAVE
HIS ENTIRE NOSE AMPUTATED.
URBAN LEGEND.
WHO'S NEXT ?
TAKE OFF YOUR
SHIRT, HONEY.
SO, WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT ?
RIGHT OR LEFT ?
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW, MOST
GUYS LIKE RIGHT.
OKAY.
EXCUSE ME,
I-IS THIS GOING TO HURT ?
OF COURSE.
ARE YOU READY ?
[ Flesh Tearing ]
OW !
[ Chuckles ]
???? [ Dance Beat ]
NOTICE THAT PRACTICALLY
EVERY GUY IN HERE'S BEEN
CRUISING US ?
I SHOULD'VE WARNED YOU
THE CLIENTELE DOESN'T COME HERE
FOR THE FIVE-STAR CUISINE.
[ Michael Narrating ]
EVERYBODY'S ALWAYS WISHING
THEY HAD A BOYFRIEND,
WE ALL PICTURE HOW HE'D
LOOK, HOW HE'D SOUND,
HOW NICE IT'D
BE TO HAVE SOMEONE
TO SHARE YOUR LIFE,
YOUR DREAMS,
YOUR DENTAL FLOSS.
A LITTLE DISCONCERTING
WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO EAT.
[ Michael ]
SO HOW COME SO FEW
OF US HAVE ONE ?
IT'S BECAUSE WE'RE LYING.
MOST OF US COULDN'T
COMMIT TO A HOUSEPLANT.
HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED
TO COMMIT TO HAVING
A BOYFRIEND ?
YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT IT'S
LIKE WHEN BRIAN COMES HERE.
I'M SO SORRY. I PROMISED
I WOULD NOT MENTION HIS NAME
FOR TEN MINUTES.
I'D SETTLE
FOR FIVE.
AND YOU'VE GOT
TO STOP SMILING
LIKE THAT.
LIKE WHAT ?
LIKE THAT.
IT MAKES ME WANT TO COME
ACROSS THE TABLE AND EAT
YOU LIKE A DESSERT.
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME
WHIPPED CREAM WITH THAT ?
[ Chuckles ]
[ Debbie ]
STAY AWAY FROM
THAT ONION, HONEY,
ESPECIALLY IF YOU
TWO ARE PLANNING ON
GOING AT IT ALL NIGHT.
MA, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE ?
TRYING TO PAY MY
BILLS. YOU GOT A
PROBLEM WITH THAT ?
THIS IS--
THIS IS YOUR , UH...
MOTHER.
I'M DEBBIE,
AND YOU'RE...
GODDAMN GORGEOUS
IS WHAT YOU ARE.
MA, THIS IS DAVID.
AND I-- THOUGHT TONIGHT
WAS YOUR NIGHT OFF.
OH YEAH, LORRAINE GOT
FOOD POISONING. I THINK
IT WAS THE SHISH KABOB.
[ Sputtering Laugh ]
I'M JUST KIDDING.
OKAY, GOT TO GET CRANKING.
GOT A LOT OF HUNGRY
BOYS TO FEED.
JESUS, MY BACK
IS KILLING ME.
HEY.
IF YOU LIFT
FROM YOUR KNEES,
TAKES THE PRESSURE
OFF YOUR BACK.
YOU FEEL THAT ?
YEAH, I'LL
REMEMBER THAT.
YOU'RE AN ANGEL.
NO, I'M A
CHIROPRACTOR.
YOU'RE ADOCTOR ?
YEAH.
YOU'RE DATING
A DOCTOR ?
HOW LONG WERE
YOU PLANNING ON
HIDING HIM FROM ME ?
AS LONG
AS I COULD.
YOU'RE COMING FOR
DINNER TOMORROW NIGHT.
HE CAN'T.
I CAN'T ?
YOU'VE GOT PLANS.
HE'S GOT PLANS.
HE'S VERY BUSY.
- DEBBIE, I'D LOVE TO.
- GOOD FOR YOU.
I'LL SEE YOU THERE, 7:30.
OKAY.
[ Laughing ]
[ Jennifer ]
CRAIG ?
AREN'T YOU GOING
TO SAY ANYTHING ?
JUSTIN'S NOT GAY.
THOSE NUDE DRAWINGS
YOU FOUND;
THEY'RE PROBABLY
JUST AN ASSIGNMENT
FOR ART CLASS.
AND THE UNDERWEAR,
I'M SURE HE JUST
BOUGHT IT FOR HIMSELF.
- IT'S NOT HIS SIZE.
- STILL, THAT'S NO REASON
TO SUSPECT THAT HE'S--
HE TOLD ME HIMSELF.
SO WHAT ?
THAT DOESN'T
MEAN ANYTHING.
A LOT OF KIDS THINK THAT.
THEY'RE CONFUSED,
THEY'RE SCARED--
HE'S NOT CONFUSED,
HE'S NOT SCARED.
HEKNOWS.
- THE SAME WAY
WE'VE ALWAYS KNOWN.
- NO, I HAVENOTALWAYS KNOWN.
AT LEAST SUSPECTED.
NO, YOU'VE
SUSPECTED.
HE'S NOT GAY. HE'S--
WHAT, SENSITIVE ?
DIFFERENT ? ARTISTIC ?
HE'S HIS
OWN PERSON.
YOU KNOW, NOT EVERY KID
IS THE QUARTERBACK ON
THE FOOTBALL TEAM.
-I THINK YOU BETTER
TALK TO HIM.
- [ Chuckles ]
AND SAY WHAT ?
"YOUR MOTHER THINKS
YOU'RE A HOMOSEXUAL" ?
BEFORE HE GETS HIMSELF INTO
TROUBLE. BEFORE HE EXPOSES
HIMSELF TO GOD KNOWS WHAT.
IF HE HASN'T ALREADY.
WAIT... YOU'RE SAYING
HE'S DOING THINGS ?
HE'S... 17.
HOW NAIVE CAN YOU BE ?
- SO WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ?
- I PROMISED HIM I WOULDN'T.
OH, THAT'S TERRIFIC.
DON'T I HAVE A RIGHT
TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING
ON AROUND HERE ?
HEY, JUSTIN !
HE'S NOT HERE.
HE SAYS HE'S
GOING TO DAPHNE'S,
BUT I KNOW HE'S NOT.
SO WHERE IS HE ?
THE OTHER NIGHT
I FOUND HIM
IN A GAY BAR.
I DON'T f**king BELIEVE
THIS, JEN. YOU LET HIM
GO TO THESE PLACES ?
- I HAD NO IDEA.
- WELL, I'M PUTTING
A STOP TO THIS, RIGHT NOW.
THERE'S MORE.
HE'S SEEING SOMEONE.
SO WHO IS THIS KID ?
I'LL CALL HIS PARENTS.
HE'S NOT A KID.
HE'S A MAN.
HIS NAME IS BRIAN KINNEY.
[ Emmett ]
I SAY IF IT WALKS
LIKE A BOYFRIEND...
[ Ted ]
AND TALKS
LIKE A BOYFRIEND...
[ Both ]
THEN IT MUST
BE A BOYFRIEND.
WOULD YOU TWO
PLEASE SHUT
THE f**k UP ?
I THINK IT'S
GREAT THAT MIKEY'S
GOT A STEADY.
HE'S NOT A STEADY.
WE WENT OUT TWICE.
AROUND HERE,
THAT'S A LONG-TERM
RELATIONSHIP.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW,
YOU'LL BE EXCHANGING RINGS.
MMM...
AND THEN THERE'LL
BE ONE OF THOSE
COMMITMENT CEREMONIES
WHERE ALL, LIKE,
200 OF THE GUESTS
HAVE SLEPT WITH ONE,
IF NOT BOTH,
OF THE HAPPY COUPLE.
JUST, UM, PROMISE ME
YOU WON'T WEAR
MATCHING WHITE SUITS.
THERE'S NO WAY THAT
IS EVER GOING TO HAPPEN.
WELL, THEN I SUGGEST
YOU WATCH OUT FOR
THE WARNING SIGNS.
- WHAT WARNING SIGNS ?
- LIKE WHEN HE BRINGS
YOU FLOWERS.
OR INVITES YOU AWAY
FOR A ROMANTIC WEEKEND
IN THE COUNTRY.
NOT THAT YOU'LL
SEE MUCH BESIDES
THE BEDROOM CEILING.
YOUR SHOT, MIKEY.
OH.
OR THE MOST TELL-TALE
SIGN OF ALL,
WHEN HE MEETS YOUR MOTHER
AND UH, SHE INVITES
HIM OVER FOR DINNER.
- SOMETHING THE MATTER ?
- I LOST MY GRIP.
GUESS WHAT I GOT TODAY ?
A NEW BELL FOR
YOUR BICYCLE ?
A NIPPLE RING.
EVERY PIECE OF TRASH
HAS SOMETHING STUCK...
THROUGH THEIR EAR, OR THEIR
NOSE, OR THEIR BELLYBUTTON,
OR THEIR c**k.
WHAT MAKES YOU
THINK I'M EVEN
REMOTELY INTERESTED...
THAT YOU HAVE
A RING THROUGH
YOUR TIT ?
IT'S LATE.
I GOT WORK.
DON'T FORGET ABOUT
THIS FRIDAY.
WHAT'S THIS FRIDAY ?
YOU'RE TOO
YOUNG TO KNOW.
TELL ME.
JUST SOME HEATHEN RITUAL
CALLED "STUDS IN SUDS."
[ Justin ]
"STUDS IN SUDS" ?
WHAT'S THAT ?
[ Emmett ]
WELL...
[ Clears Throat ]
FIRST THEY FLOOD
THE DANCE FLOOR
OF BABYLON WITH SOAPSUDS--
THEN EVERYONE
STRIPS DOWN TO THEIR UNDIES--
OR LESS... AND DANCES...
CHEEK TO CHEEK.
[ Justin ]
SOUNDS AWESOME.
IT'S DISGUSTING.
cAN'T WAIT.
SEE YOU THERE ?
- YOU BETTER BE THERE TOO.
- DON'T WORRY.
[ Emmett ]
GUESS WHO'S HEAD
OVER HEELS ?
I THINK YOU
MEAN "HEELS
OVER HEAD".
[ Ted, Emmett Laughing ]
-DOES MICHAEL HAVE A BOYFRIEND ?
-THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
I JUST WANT
TO KNOW.
WELL...
DON'T STICK YOUR TIT IN
WHERE IT DOESN'T BELONG.
OW.
[ Moaning, Grunting ]
???? [ Techno, Indistinct ]
[ Moaning ]
OHH. UH.
[ Moans Continue ]
???? [ Continues ]
COME ON-- OHH !
OHH !
[ Knocking on door ]
OOH-OOH !
THAT MUST BE
PRINCE CHARMING.
MAKE THAT THE
WICKED WITCH.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ?
- I'M HUNGRY, LET'S GO
GET SOMETHING TO EAT.
- I'M GOING TO MY MOM'S,
REMEMBER ?
- OH, RIGHT. DIN-DIN WITH DOC.
I FORGOT.
HE'S GOING
TO BE HERE ANY MINUTE,
- SO YOU'D BETTER GO.
- WHAT'S THIS ?
CHOCOLATE ECLAIRS,
FROM THE BIG Q BAKERY.
I BOUGHT THEM FOR DES--
WOW. IT'S TAKES YEARS
OF PRACTICE TO DEVELOP
TECHNIQUE LIKE THAT.
LOOK, I KNOW
YOU DON'T LIKE HIM--
WHO SAID I DON'T LIKE HIM ?
AND WHY DO YOU GIVE A f**k
WHAT I THINK ?
I'VE BEEN
SAYING THAT FOR YEARS.
WHAT MATTERS
IS WHATYOUTHINK.
IF YOU LIKE HIM,
THAT'S ALL THAT'S IMPORTANT.
EVEN THOUGH HE IS QUITE
A BIT OLDER THAN YOU.
AND LIVES IN A WORLD
YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT.
SHUT UP !
ARE YOU SAYING
HE'S TOO GOOD FOR ME ?
NOBODY'STOO GOOD
FOR YOU, MIKEY.
YOU'RE BETTER THAN ANYONE.
BECAUSE HE HAPPENS
TO THINK I'M HOT.
YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE DO.
HAVEN'T I ALWAYS
TOLD YOU THAT ?
[ Knocking On Door ]
[ Emmett ]
I'LL GET IT.
DAVE, BUDDY. WE WERE
JUST TALKING ABOUT YOU.
REALLY ? HI, EMMETT.
HI.
HI.
THESE ARE GREAT,
MY MOM'LL LOVE THESE.
[ Laughs ]
HERS ARE IN THE CAR,
THOSE ARE FOR YOU.
TSK.
THE SECOND SIGN:
FLOWERS.
I'LL JUST PUT
THESE IN SOME WATER.
- EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT ?
-HE'S ALLERGIC TO BOYFRIENDS
BRINGING BOUQUETS.
WELL, WE BETTER GO.
[ Clears Throat ]
DON'T WANT
TO BE LATE.
DON'T FORGET THIS.
HAVE FUN,
YOU TWO.
YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T
TELL ! YOU PROMISED !
JUSTIN, I HAD NO CHOICE.
I HAD TO TELL DADDY.
YOU LIED TO ME.
YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T.
IT WAS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
WHEN I SAW
YOU WITH THIS BRIAN--
YOU KEEP CALLING
HIM "THIS BRIAN"
LIKE THAT'S HIS NAME.
- IT'S JUST BRIAN.
- WHEN I SAW YOU WITH BRIAN,
HIS ARMS AROUND YOU,
KISSING YOU, I COULDN'T
BELIEVE IT.
NOT FOR THE
REASON YOU THINK.
IT'S NOT RIGHT
FOR A MAN HIS AGE
TO BE TOUCHING YOU--
TO BE HAVING
SEX WITH YOU.
AND...
EVEN THOUGH YOU MAY
THINK YOU LOVE HIM,
I'M SURE HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
HE'S AN ADULT.
IT'S ILLEGAL FOR
AN ADULT TO HAVE
SEX WITH A MINOR.
HONEY, IT'S NOT
YOUR FAULT,
WE DON'T BLAME YOU.
- WE UNDERSTAND THIS
MAN ENTICED YOU--
- HE DIDN'T ENTICE ME.
I WANTED HIM.
JUSTIN...
GOD !
Y-YOU'RE TOO
YOUNG TO KNOW
WHAT YOU WANT.
CRAIG, PLEASE.
YOU PROMISED
YOU'D STAY CALM.
I-IAMCALM.
WHAT ABOUT AIDS ?
HE WORE A CONDOM.
I PUT IT ON HIM MYSELF.
OH, GOD !
I'M CALLING
THE POLICE.
YOU'RE NOT CALLING ANYBODY.
THAT'S ALL WE NEED IS
FOR EVERYBODY TO KNOW.
WHAT, YOU WANT
THIS MONSTER,
THIS...
CHILD MOLESTER
TO GO FREE ?
HE DIDN'T MOLEST ME.
AND I'M NOT A CHILD.
I LOVE HIM...
MORE THAN ANYTHING
ELSE IN MY LIFE.
IT'S ALL I WANT,
IS TO BE WITH HIM.
I DON'T EVER WANT TO
HEAR YOU SAY THAT AGAIN.
AND YOU ARE NOT
TO SEE HIM.
I'M GOING TO SEE HIM.
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY.
I DON'T THINK SO.
NO YOU'RE NOT, JUSTIN.
HEY, JUSTIN !
HAVE SOME MORE
CARBONARA, DAVID.
I'M STUFFED,
THANKS.
OH, COME ON.
WITH THAT BODY, YOU CAN
AFFORD TO CARBO-LOAD.
YEAH, YOU MUST
WORK OUT ALL
THE TIME.
WELL, WHEN I CAN.
FEEL THOSE BICEPS.
I NEVER COULD
RESIST A HARD BODY.
LIKE MOTHER,
LIKE SON.
LIKE UNCLE.
LIKE, WOULD YOU TWO
PLEASE LEAVE HIM ALONE ?
NEXT YOU'LL BE
ASKING WHAT KIND
OF CAR HE DRIVES,
- AND HOW MUCH HE MAKES.
- [ Laughs ]
I DRIVE A JAG,
AND I'M COMFORTABLE.
MICHAEL, IF YOU DON'T
MARRY THIS MAN
IMMEDIATELY, I WILL.
I THINK I WILL
HAVE A LITTLE MORE.
ME TOO.
[ Debbie Laughing ]
IT'S LIKE
LADY AND THE TRAMP.
LADY AND THE TRAMP ?
- IT'S MICHAEL'S
FAVORITE MOVIE.
- WHEN I WAS NINE.
SEE, LADY AND TRAMP
GO ON THIS DATE,..
TO AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT,
AND THEN
THE WAITER--
TONY.
WHAT ELSE WOULD
HIS NAME BE ?
...BRINGS OVER THIS BIG BOWL
OF SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS.
AND, UM, AND THEY PUT
THEIR HEAD IN THE BOWL.
THEY'RE DOGS,
[ Laughing ]
AND THEY COME UP WITH THIS
ONE SINGLE STRAND OF SPAGHETTI.
AND THEN THEY CHEW
AND THEY CHEW AND...
[ Vic ]
AND THEY GET CLOSER
AND CLOSER...
UNTIL FINALLY,
THEIR LIPS MEET.
IT IS, IN MY ESTIMATION,
THE GREATEST SCREEN KISS EVER.
YEAH,
I-I REMEMBER IT.
LIKE THIS.
???? [ Accordion ]
THAT'S EVEN BETTER
THAN THE MOVIE.
YOU WANT TO
SEE MY OLD ROOM ?
I'D LOVE TO SEE
YOUR OLD ROOM.
BE GENTLE.
[ Laughing ]
I'VE BEEN WAITING
ALL WEEK TO DO THIS.
ME TOO.
JUST HASN'T
BEEN ANY TIME.
I KNOW,
IT'S HARD...
FINDING
THE TIME.
[ Laughing ]
I GOT A
SOLUTION.
MM-HMM.
I GOT A
SOLUTION.
HOW'D YOU LIKE
TO GO AWAY WITH
ME FOR THE WEEKEND ?
HUH ?
I GOT A CABIN
UP IN THE WOODS.
WOULD I GET TO SEE
ANYTHING BESIDES
THE BEDROOM CEILING ?
WORD OF HONOR.
WHAT DO YOU SAY ?
[ Debbie Hollering ]
SAY "YES", YOU LITTLE a**hole,
OR I'LL DISOWN YOU.
[ Laughing ]
LIKE I SAID,
IT'S A VERY
SMALL HOUSE.
???? [ Accordion ]
[ Clatter of typing ]
[ Telephone Ringing ]
SIX FULLER, CORNER OF TREMONT.
IT SHOULD TAKE YOU 10 MINUTES:
ONE FOR EVERY INCH.
[ Knocking ]
YOU GOT LAID.
I DID NOT.
YES YOU DID.
I CAN ALWAYS TELL.
I THOUGHT YOU AND DAVE
WERE HAVING DINNER AT DEB'S ?
DINNER'S OVER.
[ Scoffing ]
WHAT ?
DID SHE SCARE HIM OFF ?
ACTUALLY,
SHE AND VIC WERE ON
THEIR BEST BEHAVIOR.
THAT'S EVEN
SCARIER. LISTEN,
YOU CAN'T STAY.
I'VE GOT SOMEONE
COMING OVER IN
APPROXIMATELY
SEVEN AND A HALF
INCHES, SO...
I'LL SEE
YOU TOMORROW,
AT "STUDS IN SUDS."
I CAN'T GO.
THAT'S WHAT I
CAME OVER HERE
TO TELL YOU.
DAVID INVITED ME
AWAY WITH HIM
FOR THE WEEKEND.
HE HAS A CABIN.
WELL WHAT DO YOU KNOW.
JUST LIKE THE BOYS SAID:
FLOWERS,
DINNER AT MOM'S,
AND NOW AN INVITATION
TO THE COUNTRY.
YOU'RE MAD.
WHY WOULD
I BE MAD ?
I MEAN, WHO WANTS TO BE
ON A CROWDED DANCE FLOOR,
SURROUNDED BY NAKED MEN
COVERED IN SOAPSUDS,
WHEN YOU CAN BE
BREATHING ALL THAT...
FRESH,
COUNTRY AIR ?
[ Phone Ringing ]
JUST DON'T FORGET TO TAKE
YOUR INHALER, IN CASE
YOUR ASTHMA ATTACKS.
MUST HAVE GOTTEN LOST.
I TOLD YOU, SIX FULLER,
CORNER OF TREMONT.
NOW GET YOUR
a** OVER HERE.
I'VE GOT THIS NEW DILDO:
NINE INCHES LONG,
SEVEN INCHES AROUND.
I'M GOING TO OPEN UP
YOUR HOLE WITH IT,
AND THEN I'M GOING
TO f**k YOU SO HARD
YOU'RE EYES'LL
ROLL BACK IN YOUR HEAD.
YOU EVER CONSIDERED
A CAREER IN PHONE SALES ?
GET OUT OF HERE.
[ Phone Ringing ]
NOW WHAT ?
DIDN'T YOU JUST CALL ?
THAT WASN'T YOU ?
IT'S MY NECK AGAIN.
I CAN BARELY MOVE IT.
DO YOU WANT
THE PERIWINKLE
OR THE APRICOT ?
- SHH !
- I THINK THE APRICOT GOES
BETTER WITH YOUR EYES.
UH, YEAH, I-I THINK
IT'LL BE BETTER
IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.
OH, DON'T WORRY.
I DEFINITELY PLAN ON
SEEING MY CHIROPRACTOR.
[ Chuckles ]
THANKS.
THANKS, BYE.
YOU KNOW WHAT GROWS
WHEN YOU LIE.
- TOO BAD IT'S YOUR NOSE.
- I'M ENTITLED TO
A COUPLE OF PERSONAL DAYS.
MICHAEL, YOU'RE ENTITLED
TO A PERSONAL LIFE.
ALL RIGHT,
HAVE YOU GOT
EVERYTHING ?
UH, FIVE PAIRS
OF JEANS,
SEVEN SHIRTS, FOUR
SWEATERS, AND TEN T's.
- HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING FOR ?
- THE WEEKEND.
ALL RIGHT.
ONE CHANGE
OF UNDIES.
A PACK OF
CONDOMS.
TUBE OF LUBE.
THERE,
YOU'RE ALL SET.
[ Laughs ]
REMEMBER WHEN MY MOM
TOOK ME TO ATLANTIC CITY
AND I GOT SICK ON ALL
THAT SALT WATER TAFFY ?
LISTEN TO HIM.
HE'S GOT COLD
FEET ALREADY.
I'M NOT GETTING COLD FEET.
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU DO FOR A WHOLE WEEKEND.
WELL, LET'S SEE.
FIRST YOU ARRIVE,
THEN YOU f**k.
THEN YOU UNPACK,
THEN YOU f**k.
THEN YOU GO
BERRY-PICKING.
THEN YOU f**k.
- I MEAN AFTER YOU f**k.
- YOU TALK. YOU GET
TO KNOW EACH OTHER.
WHAT IF I RUN OUT OF THINGS
TO SAY ? WHAT IF I SAY SOME
STUPID REMARK AND HE SAYS,
"WHY AM I UP HERE
WITH THIS JERK ?"
OR WHAT IF...
HEY, HEY !
WOULD YOU PLEASE
STOP WORRYING ?
I JUST WANT
HIM TO LIKE ME.
HE ALREADY DOES.
HEMORETHAN LIKES YOU.
SO YOU GO.
AND YOU HAVE
A FABULOUS TIME.
AND BRING US BACK
SOME BERRIES.
THAT'S...
NOT MY BERRIES.
HOW MUCH ?
2,000.
WHO KNEW IT WOULD BE
SO EXPENSIVE HAVING A KID ?
OBVIOUSLY WE DIDN'T.
CAN I TELL YOU THAT
I LOVE YOU TO DEATH ?
HMM. YOU AND MELANIE
REALLY ARE AFTER
MY LIFE INSURANCE.
AND THAT YOU
ARE EXCEEDINGLY
GENEROUS ?
WELL, YOU KNOW,
I BARELY HAVE ENOUGH LEFT
FOR "STUDS IN SUDS."
OH, IS THAT THIS WEEKEND ?
YOU GOING WITH MICHAEL ?
MICHAEL WENT TO THE COUNTRY
WITH THE PROCTOLOGIST.
CHIROPRACTOR.
WHATEVER.
OH, SOUNDS ROMANTIC.
PEACEFUL WALKS,
COZY FIRES.
STEPPING IN BEAR s**t,
BEING STUNG BY MOSQUITOS.
I GUARANTEE YOU
AFTER TWO DAYS
HE'LL WISH HE WAS BACK
HERE WITH ME IN BABYLON.
I WOULDN'T BE SO SURE.
HE MIGHT ACTUALLY
LIKE A CHANGE OF SCENE,
NOT TO MENTION SOMEONE
WHO ACTUALLY WANTS
TO BE WITH HIM.
YOU KNOW, I TOLD HIM,
"I'M GLAD YOU'RE GOING
OUT WITH DAVE."
HE CAN'T SPEND THE
REST OF HIS LIFE
TRICKING AND
GOING TO CLUBS.
IT'S TIME HE
SETTLED DOWN...
AND GREW UP.
[ Laughing ]
YOU ARE SO
FULL OF s**t.
YOU CAN'T IMAGINE WHY
TWO PEOPLE WOULD WANT
TO BE TOGETHER, CAN YOU ?
THE DESIRE TO FALL ASLEEP
IN FRONT OF JAY LENO,
AND ARGUE OVER WHOSE
TURN IT IS TO PICK
UP THE DRY CLEANING ?
IT'S CALLED NOT
WANTING TO BE ALONE.
KNOWING THAT
YOU'RE LOVED.
APPARENTLY A LOT
OF US NEED THAT,
INCLUDING MICHAEL.
SO PROMISE ME
YOU WON'T f**k
IT UP FOR HIM.
YOU RAN INTO
MY LANE, YOU
STUPID a** !
I COULDN'T SEE
YOU. I FORGOT
MY CONTACTS.
FAGGOT.
HEY, TAYLOR.
AREN'T YOU GONNA
TAKE A SHOWER ?
I HAVE TO FINISH A PAPER
FOR NESSLER. YOU KNOW
WHAT A b*tch SHE IS.
DON'T YOU WANNA
CHECK OUT ALL
THE GUYS' d*ckS ?
I KNOW HOW MUCH
YOU LIKE THAT.
HEY, WHAT'S THAT ?
LET'S SEE.
NOTHING.
WHERE'D YOU
GET THAT ?
A PIERCING PARLOR
ON LIBERTY AVENUE.
s**t. YOU REALLY
ARE A QUEER.
AM NOT !
- YEAH ? THEN WHY DO
YOU HAVE A NIPPLE RING ?
- I WANTED IT.
YEAH, SO YOUR FUDGE-PACKING
FRIENDS CAN PULL ON IT WHILE
THEY'RE BUTT-f**king YOU ?
HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH
ABOUT WHAT FAGGOTS DO,
UNLESS YOU ARE ONE ?
COME ON !
MOTHERFUCKING
b*tch !
- f**king SON OF A b*tch !
- [ Spits ]
I'M GOING TO
KILL YOU, YOU f**king--
WOW.
YOU REALLY BUILT
THIS PLACE YOURSELF ?
MOST OF IT.
I'M GOOD WITH
MY HANDS.
[ Both Chuckling ]
YEAH,
I'VE NOTICED.
[ Breathes Deeply ]
GOD, HOW GOOD
FRESH AIR SMELLS.
WHEN WAS THE LAST
TIME YOU WERE
IN THE COUNTRY ?
WE VISITED A DAIRY
IN THE THIRD GRADE.
THAT'S A LONG TIME.
MAKE YOURSELF
AT HOME.
I'M JUST GOING TO
THROW THIS BAG UPSTAIRS.
SO DID YOU CATCH
THAT FISH OR CHALLENGE
IT TO A DUEL ?
I-I CAUGHT THAT
WITH SOME FRIENDS
DOWN IN THE FLORIDA KEYS.
- WHO'S THIS ?
- MY EX.
EX-SCUBA-DIVING INSTRUCTOR ?
EX-FIGURE-SKATING PARTNER ?
EX-WIFE.
SHE'S PRETTY.
I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU WERE MARRIED.
YEAH, SEVEN YEARS.
AND THAT IS
MY SON, HANK.
HE'S 12 NOW.
HE'S, UH, LIVING
WITH HIS MOM
DOWN IN OREGON.
I DON'T GET TO SEE
HIM TOO MUCH ANYMORE.
SO YOU WEREN'T
ALWAYS GAY ?
NO, I WAS ALWAYS GAY.
JUST DIDN'T
WANT TO ADMIT IT.
AND BEING
THE OVERACHIEVER THAT I AM,
I FIGURED THAT
IF I WORKED HARD ENOUGH,
I COULD BECOME
ANYTHING I WANTED,
INCLUDING STRAIGHT.
SO I MARRIED LORI.
AND FOR A LONG
TIME WE WERE HAPPY.
BUILT THIS
PLACE TOGETHER.
BUT EVENTUALLY,
IT BECAME HARDER TO--
TO DENY WHO
I REALLY WAS.
WHO I AM.
SO I TOLD HER.
I-I-- IT WAS
THE ONLY FAIR THING TO DO.
[ Horse Whinnying ]
FOR EITHER OF US.
SHE MUST'VE BEEN
REALLY UPSET.
AFTER WE SPLIT UP...
[ Clears Throat ]
AFTER WE SPLIT UP,
I PROMISED MYSELF
THAT I WOULD--
WELL, THAT
I WOULD BE HONEST
WITH ME...
AND THAT I WOULD ALWAYS
BE HONEST WITH ANYONE ELSE
THAT I LOVED.
WHICH, I GUESS,
IS WHY I'M TELLING YOU.
WHOA.
YOU ALL RIGHT ?
MUST BE ALL
THIS FRESH AIR.
???? [ Disco ]
AREN'T YOU GOING TO
DIVE IN, JOIN THE FUN ?
I ALREADY TOOK A BATH,
BUT IF YOU WANT TO JUMP IN,
I PROMISE I WON'T LOOK.
YOU AND EVERYBODY ELSE.
[ Emmett ]
HEY !
YOU TWO WALLFLOWERS.
COME ON IN,
THE SUDS ARE GREAT !
LOOK WHAT I FOUND.
MY RUBBER DUCKY !
QUACK, QUACK !
[ Laughing ]
THAT'S PATHETIC.
I THOUGHT "STUDS IN SUDS"
WAS YOUR FAVORITE CONTACT SPORT.
WHAT ? A BUNCH OF
FAGS SLIDING AROUND
IN THEIR SHORTS ?
YOU ALWAYS SEEMED
TO ENJOY YOURSELF
WHEN MICHAEL WAS HERE.
BUT I GUESS IT'S NOT
AS MUCH FUN SCORING
WITHOUT
YOUR LITTLE AUDIENCE
OF ONE, IS IT ?
YOU KNOW, AS THE GREAT
FRENCH PHILOSOPHER
ROQUEFORT OR, WHAT WAS IT
CAMEMBERT ONCE SAID,
"IT IS NOT ENOUGH TO TRICK.
YOUR BEST FRIEND
MUST ALSO GO HOME ALONE."
f**k YOU.
I HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT
MICHAEL ONCE TONIGHT.
HEY, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ?
JUST LIKE
WHEN HE'S HERE !
???? [ Continues ]
[ Man ]
HEY ! REMEMBER ME ?
WHY ? SHOULD I ?
WE DID IT AT THE BATHS
A COUPLE WEEKS AGO.
I MUST'VE BEEN
VERY DESPERATE.
f**k YOU !
[ Engine Starting ]
WHO THE f**k DO
YOU THINK YOU ARE ?
f**k YOU !
???? [ Car Stereo Blaring ]
[ Tape Deck Clatters ]
[ Engine Revving ]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING,
YOU CRAZY f**k ?
[ Birds Chirping ]
[ Moaning ]
AH ! OHH ! OHH !
OH, GOD. THAT
WAS INCREDIBLE.
[ Laughing ]
AND THEY SAID I'D NEVER
BE ANY GOOD AT OUTDOOR SPORTS.
[ Laughing ]
[ Panting ]
OHH.
DON'T GO,
DON'T GO.
OKAY, BUT I HAVE TO WARN YOU,
A GIRL SCOUT TROOP COMES
THROUGH HERE EVERY DAY.
HOLY s**t !
[ Laughing ]
I'M KIDDING !
I'M KIDDING.
I'M KIDDING.
WE CAN STAY HERE
FOREVER, IF YOU LIKE.
I'D LIKE.
YOU KNOW, I WAS REALLY
NERVOUS ABOUT COMING UP
HERE THIS WEEKEND.
OH ?
BUT IT TURNS OUT
I HAD NO REASON TO BE.
GOOD. SO WE CAN
GO AWAY TOGETHER
AGAIN SOMETIME.
[ Sucks Air ]
MAYBE.
YOU EVER BEEN SKIING ?
NOT REALLY.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
YOU WERE IN NEW YORK ?
LIKE, NEVER ?
LONDON ? PARIS ?
THE AMALFI COAST ?
TRY ATLANTIC
CITY, 1983.
MICHAEL.
MICHAEL.
THERE'S A WHOLE
WORLD OUTSIDE
LIBERTY AVENUE.
I'D LIKE TO SHOW IT
TO YOU, IF YOU'D LET ME.
BUT FIRST...
WE SWIM.
COME ON !
COME ON ! COME ON !
WHOO ! WHOA !
I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
[ Water Splashes ]
[ Speed Dialing ]
[ Ringing ]
GUESS WHAT I'M DOING ?
RUBBING PINK STUFF
ALL OVER THE POISON IVY...
YOU GOT WHEN
THAT BEAR CHASED YOU
THROUGH THE WOODS.
BASKING IN THE
AFTERGLOW OF HAVING...
JUST MADE LOVE TO DAVID
UNDER A TREE, a**hole.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE
FALCON VIDEOPAC 77,
MAN'S COUNTRY.
[ Chuckles ]
IT WAS INCREDIBLE.
I'VE NEVER HAD SEX
OUTDOORS BEFORE.
SURE YOU DID.
IN THE BACK ALLEY
BEHIND BABYLON.
I DON'T MEAN THE KIND
THAT TAKES FIVE MINUTES...
WITH YOUR PANTS
AROUND YOUR KNEES...
AND YOUR BUTT
AGAINST THE BRICKS.
SO HOW WAS
YOUR WEEKEND ?
DANDY.
YEAH ?
HOW WAS
"STUDS IN SUDS" ?
BUBBLY.
TOO BAD YOU
WEREN'T THERE.
OKAY, WHAT'S GOING ON.
NOTHING.
YOU CAN'T FOOL ME.
OUT WITH IT.
[ Sighs Deeply ]
ONLY IF YOU PROMISE
YOU WON'T LET IT
SPOIL YOUR WEEKEND.
MICHAEL, HURRY UP,
COME ON, IT'S WARM.
RIGHT THERE.
- WHAT ?
- I WAS IN AN ACCIDENT,
THAT'S ALL.
WHAT KIND OF ACCIDENT ?
I WOULDN'T f**k
THIS SCUMBAG,
SO HE RAMMED MY JEEP...
- TWICE.
- CHRIST. ARE YOU OKAY ?
WELL, I HAVE A
MINOR HEAD WOUND
AND A CONCUSSION.
OH MY GOD.
NOW YOU PROMISED,,,
YOU WOULDN'T LET IT SPOIL
YOUR WEEKEND, SO DON'T
YOU EVEN THINK...
ABOUT CUTTING YOUR TRIP
SHORT AND COMING BACK HERE.
YOU AND DOC JUST ENJOY
YOUR POKE IN THE PINES.
BYE, MIKEY.
ARE YOU COMING IN ?
- WHAT-- WHAT'S UP ?
- I HAVE TO GO BACK.
[ Door Opening, Closing ]
MY GOD, WHAT
HAPPENED TO THE CAR ?
[ Door Opening ]
SOME a**hole IN
A JEEP BACKED INTO ME.
[ Door Closing ]
WELL, DID, DID YOU
GET HIS INFORMATION ?
IT WAS DARK, HONEY.
HE DROVE OFF BEFORE
I COULD SEE HIM.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING ?
[ Justin ]
OUT.
NO, YOU'RE NOT
LEAVING THIS HOUSE.
WHAT ? SO NOW
I'M A PRISONER ?
I HEARD WHAT
HAPPENED AT SCHOOL,
JUSTIN, YESTERDAY.
-YOUR PRINCIPAL CALLED.
- SO ?
"SO" ? SO NOW
YOU'RE FLAUNTING YOURSELF
IN FRONT OF EVERYONE ?
I WAS NOT
"FLAUNTING MYSELF," DAD.
BESIDES, CHRIS HOBBS
IS THE ONE WHO STARTED IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT ?
I DON'T CARE
WHO STARTED IT.
YOU'RE NOT GOING
BACK THERE.
WHAT ?
WE'RE SENDING HIM
AWAY TO SCHOOL.
IT'S TIME YOU
LEARNED SOME
DISCIPLINE.
HOW TO BE A MAN.
I KNOW ALL
ABOUT DISCIPLINE.
- AND YOU SHOULD SEE ME
TAKE IT LIKE A MAN.
- [ Jennifer Gasps ]
- CRAIG !
- IT'S ALL RIGHT, MOM.
IT DIDN'T HURT.
IF YOU WANT TO HIT ME,
GO RIGHT AHEAD.
ONLY I'M NOT
GOING TO CRY LIKE
SOME LITTLE FAGGOT.
AND IF YOU WANT
TO SEND ME AWAY,
THAT'S ALL RIGHT, TOO.
'CAUSE I BET MORE BUTT-f**king
GOES ON IN BOARDING SCHOOL...
THAN IN THE BACK
ROOM OF BABYLON.
BUT WHATEVER YOU DO,
IT'S NOT GOING MATTER.
'CAUSE I'LL STILL BE
YOUR QUEER SON.
[ Frustrated Sigh ]
- HAVE SOME TEA.
- IT'S TOO HOT.
- HERE, PUT THIS ICEBAG
ON YOUR HEAD.
- THAT'S TOO COLD.
WHAT ARE YOU, GOLDILOCKS ?
TIME FOR YOUR TEMPERATURE.
ROLL OVER !
[ All Laughing ]
YOU'RE NOT STICKING
THAT THING UP MY a**.
GEEZ, THAT ACCIDENT
MUST'VE REALLY
JARRED YOUR BRAIN.
IT WASN'T AN ACCIDENT.
THAT a**hole KEPT RAMMING ME.
- DID YOU GET HIS LICENSE ?
- IT WAS DARK.
- WHAT KIND OF CAR WAS IT ?
- I DON'T KNOW,
SOME SILVER THING.
OH MY GOD !
IT WAS MY DAD.
I KNOW IT.
I SAW HIS CAR,
IT WAS TOTALLY SMASHED.
HMM, NOW WHY WOULD
YOUR FATHER DO
SOMETHING LIKE THAT ?
BECAUSE MY MOM TOLD
HIM EVERYTHING.
HE WANTS TO HAVE
YOU ARRESTED
AND SEND ME AWAY.
- DON'T BE A DRAMA PRINCESS.
- YOU'D BETTER BE
CAREFUL, JUST IN CASE.
[ Scoffs ]
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME,
I'M INVINCIBLE.
YEAH, YOU ALSO
GOT A CONCUSSION,
WELL f**k IT.
IT'S PARTY TIME.
???? [ Disco ]
COME ON, TEDDY,
SHAKE YOUR GROOVE THANG.
HEY, GUYS.
JOIN THE PARTY.
I THOUGHT YOU
WERE REALLY HURT.
I AM.
- MICHAEL INSISTED
WE COME RIGHT BACK.
- I TOLD YOU NOT TO.
I KNOW, BUT...
DON'T GO
AFTER HIM, MIKEY.
DON'TEVER
GO AFTER ANYONE.
- SORRY.
BRIAN.
- FOR WHAT ?
I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE,
HIS MANIPULATIONS.
HE GETS A REAL KICK OUT
OF THAT, DOESN'T HE ?
YOU KNOW, I SHOULD
JUST TURN, WALK AWAY
AND NEVER COME BACK.
WELL, THAT'S ONE OPTION.
UNLESS, OF COURSE,
YOU THINK MICHAEL'S
WORTH FIGHTING FOR.
WHICH IS WHAT YOU'RE
GOING TO HAVE TO DO.
THANKS FOR
THE ADVICE.
I LIKE DOING PRO BONO WORK.
REMINDS ME I HAVE A HEART.
WHAT IS IT
WITH BRIAN KINNEY ?
I MEAN, SURE, HE'S GOOD-LOOKING.
BUT A LOT OF GUYS
ARE GOOD-LOOKING.
AND HE'S GOT HIS f**king
CHARM; BUT WE ALL HAVE
THAT WHEN WE WANT IT.
- BUT WHAT IS IT WITH HIM ?
- I DON'T KNOW. LINDSAY SAYS
IT'S THAT HE'LL DO ANYTHING,
SAY ANYTHING,
f**k ANYTHING.
NO EXCUSES,
NO APOLOGIES, NO REGRETS.
IN OTHER WORDS,
HE DOESN'T GIVE A s**t.
???? [ Techno-Disco ]
[ Inhaling Popper ]
THERE'S DAVID.
IS THERE SOME
ROOM ON YOUR DANCE
CARD FOR ME ?
SURE.
NOT YOU...
YOU.
WHY, DOC. I THOUGHT
YOU'D NEVER ASK.
MAN, DAVID
LOOKS HOT.
WHY IS HE DANCING
WITH BRIAN ?
???? [ Continues ]
YOU DON'T
DANCE HALF-BAD.
I DANCE
DAMN GOOD.
HAVEN'T DONE
IT FOR A WHILE.
YOU SHOULD GO
OUT MORE OFTEN.
YEAH, WELL
THERE'S NOTHING HERE
THAT INTERESTS ME.
THEN WHY ARE
YOU HERE ?
CAME TO SEE YOU.
YOU KNOW, FOR A GUY THAT
WAS ON DEATH'S DOORSTEP,
YOU MADE A REMARKABLE RECOVERY.
WELL, I BELIEVE IN THE POWER
OF PRAYER AND... DRUGS.
I TOLD MIKEY YOU'D BE ALL RIGHT,
BUT HE HAD TO COME RUNNING BACK.
WHAT CAN I SAY ?
HE'S A SWEETHEART.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE
ALL THAT MATTERS TO HIM.
YOU'RE HIS
WORLD, HIS LIFE.
EVERYTHING HE THINKS ABOUT,
EVERYTHING HE DREAMS OF,
EVERYTHING HE KNOWS.
HE'S MY BEST FRIEND
SINCE WE WERE 14.
THAT'S 16 YEARS
OF WAITING.
HE'S BEEN WAITING SO LONG,
HE ACTUALLY THINKS HE'S HAPPY.
BUT YOU AND I BOTH KNOW
THAT HE'S NEVER GOING TO GET
WHAT HE REALLY WANTS, IS HE ?
AND WHAT IS THAT, DOC ?
FOR YOU TO
f**k HIM.
AND DON'T TELL ME
YOU DON'T KNOW IT,
AND YOU LOVE KNOWING IT.
YOU'VE BEEN AROUND
FOR WHAT, A WEEK ?
YOU THINK YOU KNOW HIM ?
YOU DON'T.
I'D LIKE TO.
BUT I NEVER WILL
AS LONG AS YOU'RE AROUND.
MAYBE I SHOULD
JUST DISAPPEAR.
YOU'D PROBABLY LIKE THAT,
AND HE PROBABLY WOULDN'T
THINK TWICE ABOUT IT.
BUT I'M NOT GOING TO.
I'M NOT GOING
TO DISAPPEAR.
BECAUSE I WANT HIM.
EVEN MORE THAN YOU DON'T
WANT ME TO HAVE HIM.
SO IF YOU'RE REALLY
HIS BEST FRIEND,
GIVE HIM A CHANCE
TO BE HAPPY,
TO HAVE A LIFE.
HIS OWN LIFE.
LET HIM GO.
[ Dancers Whooping ]
???? [ Continues ]
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR
ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, FIVE, SIX.
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ ?????? ]
...STYLE, COLOUR,
NOT COLOUR...
[ Muttering ]
STILL BATTLING
KLEPTOMANIA,
ANDREW?
YOU KNOW, THE
FIRST STEP IS
ADMITTING YOU
HAVE A PROBLEM.
AH, KID'S BIRTH-
DAY THIS WEEKEND.
GOOD THING
FOR OUR STORE
DISCOUNT.
YEAH, YOU
COULD GO BROKE.
WHICH IS WHY
I HOPE I GET
THAT JOB.
WHAT JOB?
DIDN'T
YOU KNOW?
THEY'RE MAKING
BARBAROSA
THE NEW
DISTRICT MANAGER.
FOR ALL THE
STORES IN
THE STATE.
NO s**t.
AND THEY'RE LET-
TING HIM PICK HIS
OWN REPLACEMENT
FROM INSIDE
THE STORE,
SO I FIGURED,
"f**k! MIGHT
AS WELL BE ME."
RIGHT?
RIGHT.
WELL, I'D BETTER
GO PRACTICE
MY a**-KISSING.
WISH ME LUCK.
YOU GOT IT.
SO? AREN'T YOU
GOING TO ASK ME?
ASK YOU WHAT?
WHAT I THINK
ABOUT YOU AS
BARBAROSA'S
REPLACEMENT.
I THINK
YOU'D ROCK!
THANKS, BUT I
LIKE MY JOB.
BESIDES, BEING
A MANAGER IS A LOT
OF RESPONSIBILITY.
SO? YOU CAN
HANDLE IT.
BESIDES, YOU'RE
MUCH BETTER
QUALIFIED THAN
ANDREW ANY DAY.
Y-YOU'RE A BETTER
WORKER, YOU'VE
BEEN HERE LONGER,
PEOPLE LIKE YOU
BETTER, AND THEN
THERE'S THE RAISE.
YEAH, I GUESS.
COME ON.
IF YOU WANNA
GET AHEAD,
YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE TO LEARN
TO DO A LITTLE
BIT OF a**-KISSING,
LIKE ANDREW.
AND SOMETHING
TELLS ME YOU CAN
KISS a** WITH
THE BEST OF THEM.
[ ?????? ]
Justin:
DID I TELL YOU MY
DAD WANTS TO SEND ME
TO MILITARY SCHOOL?
I SAID,
"f**k,NO!"
I THINK YOUR
DAD MIGHT
BE RIGHT.
A LITTLE MILITARY
SCHOOL OR SOME-
THING MIGHT DO
YOU SOME GOOD.
I ALWAYS
WANTED TO GO TO
MILITARY SCHOOL.
YOU KNOW, THOSE
SLEEK UNIFORMS,
WELL CUT...
Ted:
TAKING ORDERS,
GETTING PUNISHED
WHEN YOU'RE NAUGHTY.
YES, SIR!
SORRY, SIR!
[ Chuckle ]
OUCH!
AND DON'T FORGET
SHOWERING WITH
ALL THOSE CADETS.
OOH.
MMM!
Michael:
[ Chuckle ]
Ted:
CADETS...
All:
AWW!
AH, MY. WHO EVER
THOUGHT WE'D
SEE THE DAY?
BRIAN KINNEY
DRIVING AN
ECONOMY COMPACT.
SUB-COMPACT.
AND I HAVE
TO GET A NEW
CAR THIS WEEK.
ANOTHER
f**k-MOBILE?
PLEASE, AT HIS
AGE HE NEEDS
ALL THE HELP
HE CAN GET
TO ATTRACT
THOSE HOT,
YOUNG THINGS.
Ted:
I THOUGHT AFTER
WHAT HAPPENED,
YOU MIGHT CONSIDER
SOMETHING A LITTLE
MORE PRACTICAL.
WHAT? LIKE SOMETHING AN
ACCOUNTANT MIGHT DRIVE?
YOU DON'T WANT
ANY MORE WEIRDOS
RAMMING INTO YOU.
NEVER HEARD HIM
COMPLAIN ABOUT
THAT BEFORE.
SEE YOU LATER.
Emmett:
LATER.
[ ?????? ]
HEY.
YOU f**king
PERVERT.
DAD!
I SHOULD THROW
YOUR FAGGOT a**
RIGHT IN JAIL,
YOU SON OF A b*tch!
DAD! WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
JUSTIN, GET OFF.
GET OFF ME,
JUSTIN!
JUSTIN, GET OFF
ME. GET OFF ME.
f**k!
NO!
IT'S HIS DAD,
STOP IT!
THAT'S IT, JUSTIN.
THAT IS IT.
YOU COME HOME
WITH ME RIGHT NOW,
OR YOU NEVER
COME HOME AGAIN.
THAT'S IT.
[ Panting ]
NEVER AGAIN.
DID YOU HEAR ME?
I SAID, "NEVER AGAIN!"
Justin:
GO! GET THE f**k
OUT OF HERE! GO!
I'M NEVER COMING...
HOME AGAIN.
Brian:
JUSTIN...
NEVER!
STOP.
[ Choking sob ]
SO MY DAD WAS
KICKING HIM
AND BEATING HIM,
AND I JUMPED
ON HIS BACK, I
PULLED HIM OFF,
AND THEN I STARTED
PUNCHING HIM.
Emmett:
AND DON'T FORGET
HOW YOU SINGLE-
HANDEDLY
FOUGHT OFF THE
ATTACK DOGS.
OR, HOW YOU
FOILED THAT ASSAS-
SINATION ATTEMPT
BY THE IRANIAN
DEATH SQUAD.
[ Chuckle ]
Debbie:
YOU BOYS THINK
THIS IS FUNNY?
HUH, IS THIS YOUR
IDEA OF SOME EVENING
ENTERTAINMENT?
THIS POOR CHILD'S BEEN
f**king TRAUMATIZED,
WATCHING HIS
FATHER GO BERSERK
LIKE THAT.
AND AS FOR YOU,
I TOLD YOU
THERE'D BE
TROUBLE,
AND YOU DIDN'T LISTEN.
IT'S NOT HIS FAULT,
AND I'M NOT A CHILD.
I'M TURNING 18 SOON.
THAT MEANS I CAN VOTE
AND GET MARRIED AND
JOIN THE ARMY.
HOPEFULLY NOT
ON THE SAME DAY.
MAYBE SO,
BUT AS FAR AS YOUR
PARENTS ARE CONCERNED,
YOU'RE STILL THEIR SWEET,
INNOCENT LITTLE BOY.
THEY'RE NOT READY TO
THINK OF YOU SUCKING c**k
AND TAKING IT UP THE a**.
MA, DO YOU HAVE
TO BE SO GRAPHIC?
MICHHAEL, I AM
MAKING A POINT.
WOULD YOU PLEASE
NOT INTERRUPT
WHEN I'M
TALKING.
SO, WHAT WAS
I TALKING ABOUT?
SOMETHING ABOUT...
SUCKING c**k...
TAKING IT UP
THE a**.
RIGHT. SO...
THEY'RE NOT READY
TO SEE YOU AS A MAN.
ESPECIALLY A...
A GAY MAN.
YOU KNOW, THEY
NEED EDUCATING
SO THEY UNDERSTAND WHAT
YOU'RE GOING THROUGH.
WHAT ABOUT WHAT
I'M GOING THROUGH?
YOU KNOW, HIS
FATHER ALMOST
BROKE MY
f**king RIBS.
YOU KNOW,
I SHOULD HAVE
HIM ARRESTED.
Debbie:
LEAVE IT
ALONE.
YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH
DAMAGE TONIGHT.
[ Whispering ]
s**t.
MA, ARE
YOU OKAY?
YEAH, I'M FINE, HONEY.
JUST TIRED.
[ Chuckle ]
I'VE BEEN WORKING
SINCE 6:00 A.M.
OH, MA! GOD!
MA!
YOU OKAY?
SOMEBODY GET
SOME HELP.
SOMEBODY GET
SOME HELP!
STOP SCREAMING!
I CAN... I-I-I...
I HAVEN'T LOST
MY HEARING.
I JUST LOST
MY HAIR.
OH, MICHAEL...
[ Sobbing ]
Michael:
I'M GONNA TAKE
YOU TO THE
HOSPITAL.
NO, I HAVE TO
FINISH MY SHIFT.
YOUR SHIFT'S
OVER, MA.
I SWALLOWED
MY GUM.
MICHAEL, HELP
ME PUT THIS
BACK ON.
[ Sighing ]
Jennifer:
WHAT WERE YOU
THINKING?
I WASN'T.
AH, THAT'S RIGHT,
YOU NEVER DO.
YOU JUST... ACT.
I DID WHAT
I HAD TO DO.
WHAT YOU HAD
TO DO? CRAIG,
DO YOU KNOW
HOW CLOSE WE ARE TO LOSING
HIM? WHAT DO YOU DO?
YOU PRACTICALLY PUSH
HIM OUT THE DOOR.
I TOLD HIM TO COME
HOME, JEN. HE WOULDN'T.
WHO WOULD,
WITH A LUNATIC?
LOOK, I'M TRYING
TO PROTECT OUR SON.
IT'S YOU HE NEEDS
PROTECTION FROM.
NO WONDER HE'S
OUT THERE.
YEAH WELL, HE
MADE HIS CHOICE.
WHAT DID YOU...
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
I SAID HE MADE
HIS CHOICE, JEN!
I GAVE HIM
A CHOICE,
HE MADE IT.
OH. OH... BIG MAN.
BIGMAN.
JEN...
DON'T COME UPSTAIRS.
I MEAN IT.
I DON'T WANNA SEE YOU.
I AM NOT GONNA BE HUMIL-
IATED BY A BUNCH OF...
FAGS?
UH-H. I GOT NEWS
FOR YOU, BIG MAN.
YOU ALREADY HAVE BEEN.
OH-H.
HOW ABOUT
I MAKE YOU SOME
CINNAMON TOAST?
AND TEA.
I DON'T WANT ANY
CINNAMON TOAST,
AND I DON'T
WANT ANY TEA.
WHAT I WANT IS
YOU ALL TO STOP
MAKING A FUSS
OVER ME
AND GO HOME.
YOU ALL HAVE
TO BE AT WORK
TOMORROW. SO DO I.
I ALREADY TOLD
YOU: YOU'RE NOT
GOING IN TO WORK.
YOU'RE GONNA
STAY HERE AND
TAKE IT EASY.
I CAN'T AFFORD
TO TAKE IT EASY.
IT'S NOT GONNA
KILL YOU
TO STAY HOME FOR
A DAY OR TWO, DEB.
BEDREST IS AN
IMPORTANT PART OF
EVERY RECOVERY.
Ted:
THANK YOU,
DOOGIE HOWSER.
HEY.
DON'T WORRY,
UNCLE VIC.
OH, I KNOW...
SHE'S OKAY. THE
DOCTOR SAID IT'S
JUST EXHAUSTION.
THAT'S ALL.
"JUST EXHAUSTION."
YOU HAVE ANY
IDEA HOW TIRED
YOU HAVE TO BE
TO FALL OVER?
THAT'S HOW TIRED
YOUR MOTHER IS.
AND IT'S ALL
BECAUSE OF ME.
[ Scoffing ]
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
THINK ABOUT HOW UNHAPPY
SHE'D BE WITHOUT YOU.
BUT I'M THE REASON
SHE'S PUSHING
HERSELF SO HARD.
WORKING DOUBLE
SHIFTS. TO PAY
OFF MY DEBTS.
SHE'S EVEN
TAKEN OUT A
SECOND MORTGAGE.
WHAT, ON
OUR HOUSE?
YEAH.
SHE COULDN'T GET
MUCH, BUT SHE DID.
WHY DIDN'T
YOU TELL ME?
SHE MADE ME
PROMISE NOT TO.
[ Sighing ]
I'M LUCKY I STILL
HAVE ALL MY TEETH.
AND NO BLACK EYE.
HOW DO I LOOK?
GREAT. YOU ALWAYS
LOOK GREAT.
I'M SORRY.
FOR MY DAD AND
EVERYTHING.
YEAH, SORRY'S
bulls**t.
LOOK, I DIDN'T
MEAN TO CAUSE YOU
ANY PROBLEMS.
[ Slamming of door ]
WELL, I'M
GONNA GO.
WHERE?
I DON'T KNOW.
I'LL FIND
SOME PLACE.
JUSTIN.
[ Sighing ]
YOU CAN
STAY HERE.
UH?
ON THE SOFA.
YOU'RE NOT
CRYING, ARE YOU?
I'M NOT SOME
LITTLE FAGGOT.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
EVEN PRETTY
BRAVE, ACTUALLY.
STANDING UP
TO YOUR FATHER
LIKE THAT.
HE WAS HURTING YOU.
GET SOME SLEEP.
[ ?????? ]
Brian:
SO, WHAT DO YOU
THINK, MIKEY?
THE JEEP'S
ALWAYS HOT.
WHAT IS HE DOING
AT YOUR PLACE?
HE HAD TO STAY
SOMEWHERE.
THE AUDI T.T.'S
A f**k-MACHINE.
BUT THE GUYS
WHO DRIVE IT, THEY
USUALLY AREN'T.
HIS DAD ALMOST
BEAT THE s**t
OUT OF YOU.
THE BOXTER'S
SEXY...
IF YOU HAVE A
LITTLE d*ck.
WHAT DO
YOU THINK?
WHAT DO I THINK?
IT'S OBVIOUS YOU
DON'T CARE WHAT
I THINK ABOUT
YOUR BOY WONDER.
W-WHAT DIFFERENCE
DOES IT MAKE HOW
I FEEL ABOUT
YOUR BATMOBILE?
WHY DON'T YOU
GET THE JEEP
FOR MONDAY, THE
AUDI FOR TUESDAY
AND THE BOXTER
FOR WEDNESDAY.
HEY!
WELL LIKE, YOU'RE
SITTING HERE TRYING
TO DECIDE WHAT NEW
HOT CAR TO BUY
AND MY MOM
MIGHT LOSE HER
f**king HOUSE!
I GOTTA GET
TO WORK.
MICHAEL.
IF YOU NEED
MONEY...
NO.
LOOK, I'VE HAD AN
AMAZING YEAR...
THAT'S GREAT.
BUT THANKS
ANYWAY.
I'M OFFERING YOU
A f**king GIFT,
FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.
I KNOW.
I JUST CAN'T.
WHY?
BECAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS
THERE FOR ME. TAKING
CARE OF THINGS,
FIGHTING OFF
THE BULLIES
AT SCHOOL,
AND GIVING ME
THE ANSWERS
TO TESTS,
AND TAKING ME TO
THE HOSPITAL THE
FIRST TIME I GOT
GONORRHEA, AND...
THIS... THIS
IS MY MOM.
AND... THIS IS
SOMETHING I HAVE
TO DO FOR HER.
BY MYSELF.
SO MY DAD TRIED
TO BEAT UP BRIAN,
AND DEBBIE
ALMOST DIED IN
FRONT OF US.
AND THEN,
I SPENT THE
NIGHT AT BRIAN'S.
WHAT'D YOU DO?
UH, HAD VEGETARIAN
LASAGNA AND READ "A
LESSON BEFORE DYING,"
WHICH IS EXACTLY
WHAT IT FELT LIKE.
Jennifer:
JUSTIN?
HI, DAPHNE.
HI.
BROUGHT YOU
YOUR UNIFORM
AND YOUR BOOKS.
I KNOW YOU'VE
GOT THAT ESSAY
DUE TODAY.
TOMORROW.
YOU ALL RIGHT?
I'M FINE.
I WAS WORRIED ABOUT
YOU LAST NIGHT.
WHERE WERE YOU?
WHERE DO
YOU THINK?
JUSTIN,
PLEASE WAIT.
I WANT YOU
TO COME HOME.
AFTER WHAT DAD
DID? NO WAY!
H-HE... HE GOT
CRAZY. HE DIDN'T
KNOW WHAT HE
WAS DOING.
BUT WE CAN
WORK THIS OUT,
I PROMISE.
YEAH, DON'T
PROMISE.
NOW WOULD
YOU PLEASE GO?
DO YOU NEED
ANYTHING?
FOR YOU TO GO.
BOO.
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING UP?
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
BE TAKING A NAP.
WELL, NAPS ARE
BRIEF. THAT'S WHY
IT'S A SHORT WORD.
HAVE YOU TAKEN
YOUR MEDS?
YES, I'VE
TAKEN MY MEDS.
WHAT IS THIS?
APARTMENTS
FOR RENT?
WHY ARE YOU
LOOKING AT APART-
MENTS FOR RENT?
DON'T GET
YOUR TITTIES
IN A TWIST.
I'M NOT SELLING
THE HOUSE,
IF THAT'S WHAT
YOU THINK.
OF COURSE YOU'RE
NOT SELLING
THE HOUSE.
IT'S FOR ME.
I'M THINKING
OF MOVING OUT.
I'M FEELING
MUCH BETTER NOW.
AND WITH MY
DISABILITY, I CAN
AFFORD TO GET A
ROOM SOMEWHERE.
YOU HAVE A ROOM
SOMEWHERE: HERE.
I DON'T WANT
YOU TO FEEL
OBLIGATED.
OBLIGATED?
YOU KNOW, YOU
ARE COMING THIS
CLOSE TO GETTING
PUNCHED OUT.
YOUR DOCTOR
TOLD YOU NOT TO
EXERT YOURSELF.
WELL, f**k HIM!
I PUNCHED YOU OUT
WHEN YOU WERE A KID
AND I CAN PUNCH
YOU OUT NOW.
I WANT
SOME SOUP.
CHICKEN NOODLE?
YEAH.
[ Sigh ]
WHEN YOU CAME BACK
FROM NEW YORK,
I DIDN'T TAKE YOU IN
'CAUSE I FELT OBLIGATED.
I TOOK YOU IN
'CAUSE I WANTED TO.
HELL, I WOULD
DO IT AGAIN.
OH!
YEAH, LET'S.
THE DEMENTIA,
THE THRUSH...
THE C.M.V., THAT WAS
A LAUGH AND A HALF.
I MEAN, I WANT
YOU HERE SICK,
AND I WANT YOU
HERE WELL.
I'LL TAKE YOU ANY
WAY I CAN GET YOU.
SO UNLESS YOU'RE
GONNA BE READING
THE FUNNIES...
[ Sniffle ]
I'M JUST GONNA
TOSS THIS.
WHERE'S
MY SOUP?
I'LL SERVE.
I DON'T WANNA
GET RUSTY.
HI.
JENNIFER TAYLOR.
JUSTIN'S MOTHER.
OKAY. SO,
I'VE GOT HIS
CLOTHES, UH,
A SKETCH PAD,
SHOES, UNDERWEAR...
OH.
"THE YELLOW SUBMARINE".
IT'S HIS FAVOURITE,
HE'S WATCHED
IT A MILLION TIMES.
DID YOU KNOW
HE WANTED TO BE
AN ANIMATOR?
NO, I-I...
NO, YOU WOULDN'T.
UH, CHEQUE. CHEQUE.
HERE WE GO.
FOR WHAT?
WELL, JUSTIN'S
EXPENSIVE.
HE EATS LIKE A
FOOTBALL PLAYER,
HE GOES THROUGH
CLOTHES FASTER
THAN I CAN BUY
THEM, AND HE'S...
ALWAYS NEEDING
SOMETHING
FOR SCHOOL.
YOU THINK HE'S
STAYING WITH ME?
WHERE ELSE?
WELL, I
DON'T KNOW.
BUT HE'S NOT MOVING
INTO MY PLACE.
WELL...
HE'S GONNA
HAVE TO LIVE
SOMEWHERE,
SINCE HE TOLD ME
HE'S NEVER COMING
HOME AGAIN.
WHY DO YOU CARE
WHAT HE SAYS?
YOU'RE HIS MOTHER.
COME AND GET HIM.
IF I CAME AND
GOT HIM, HE WOULD
JUST, UH, RUN AWAY
AND I MIGHT NEVER
SEE HIM AGAIN.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT
HAPPENS TO RUNAWAY
KIDS, MR. KINNEY?
THEY END UP ON
MILK CARTONS.
OR WORSE.
AT LEAST
WITH YOU...
I KNOW
WHERE HE IS.
HE'S NOT MY
RESPONSIBILITY.
OH YES, HE IS.
YOU SEDUCED HIM,
YOU S... FUCKED HIM,
SO NOW
HE'S YOURS.
JUST KINDLY, SEE
THAT HE TAKES HIS
ALLERGY MEDICINE,
AND, UH... AND
DOES HIS HOMEWORK
AND GETS TO
SCHOOL ON TIME.
AND...
AND TELL HIM
THAT WE LOVE HIM.
[ Singing opera ]
HEY, BOB.
YOU SOUND GREAT.
THANKS, MIKE.
I DIDN'T REALIZE
I HAD AN AUDIENCE.
YOU SHOULD'VE
BEEN AN OPERA
SINGER.
WELL, I WANTED
TO BE ONE ONCE,
BUT THEN I HAD
TO MAKE A CHOICE.
THE MET,
OR THE BIG Q.
WELL, OBVIOUSLY
IT'S PAYING OFF.
CONGRATULATIONS
ON THE PROMOTION.
BAH, THANKS.
OOH. DISTRICT
MANAGER. BIG
RESPONSIBILITY.
I BET. HAVE YOU,
UH, PICKED YOUR
REPLACEMENT YET?
BAH, NO,
NO, NO.
COUPLE OF PEOPLE
HAVE EXPRESSED SOME
INTEREST, YOU KNOW.
YEAH, I
KNOW. UM...
I HOPE YOU WOULDN'T
MIND, I... I'D LIKE
TO TOSS MY HAT
IN THE RING.
WELL, SURE,
MIKE. SURE.
SURE. TO BE
HONEST WITH YOU,
I NEVER REALLY HAD
YOU PEGGED FOR THE
AMBITIOUS TYPE.
WELL, I'VE...
ALWAYS BEEN FOCUSED
ON MY JOB.
YOU KNOW,
DOING IT WELL.
A PROMOTION SHOULDN'T BE
ABOUT WHAT'S GOOD FOR ME,
BUT WHAT'S GOOD
FOR THE COMPANY.
YOU KNOW
SOMETHING, MIKE?
AH. A LOT OF
PEOPLE DO NOT
FEEL THAT WAY.
MOSTLY, THEY'RE
JUST KIND OF IN IT
FOR THEMSELVES,
YOU KNOW?
I'LL TELL
YOU WHAT.
THEY'RE HAVING A
LITTLE CONGRATULA-
TION DINNER FOR ME
TOMORROW NIGHT.
OVER AT
DOMINIC'S.
MM-HM.
WHY DON'T YOU
COME ALONG?
WOW! THANKS, BOB.
THAT'D BE GREAT.
OKAY. AND, UH...
BRING YOUR LADY.
HE WANTS ME TO
BRING MY LADY.
STRAIGHT GUYS REALLY
SAY THINGS LIKE
"BRING YOUR LADY"?
THEY SAY WORSE
THAN THAT.
I DON'T HAVE
A LADY.
NO, YOU HAVE SOME-
THING BETTER.
DR. DREAMBOAT.
WHEW.
WELL, I CAN
FIX YOU UP WITH
MY SISTER...
ONLY, SHE LOOKS
LIKE IN A DRESS.
[ Chuckle ]
THAT'S A TERRI-
FYING THOUGHT.
OR MAYBE EMMETT
COULD DRESS UP
LIKE HE DID
LAST HALLOWEEN.
NO, EMMETT
COULD NOT.
BESIDES, HOW WOULD
YOU EXPLAIN THAT
YOU'RE DATING
REBA McENTIRE?
EASIER THAN
EXPLAINING
I'M A FAG.
SO TELL THEM THE
TRUTH ALREADY.
YOU SAID THAT HE'S A NICE
GUY, THAT HE LIKES YOU.
YEAH, UNTIL I GIVE
HIM A REASON NOT TO.
THERE'S THIS WOMAN... WHO
WORKS IN SHIPPING. HELGA.
BIG, SHORT-CROPPED
HAIR, DRIVES A PICKUP.
[ Chuckle ]
SHE'S BEEN WORKING
THERE FOR 15 YEARS.
EVERY YEAR, SHE
GETS PASSED OVER
FOR A PROMOTION
BY PEOPLE WHO'VE
BEEN THERE ONE
YEAR, TWO YEARS.
EVERYBODY KNOWS WHY,
NOBODY SAYS ANYTHING.
SO SHE'S STILL SITTING
THERE, DOING INVOICES.
I CAN'T AFFORD TO
LET THAT HAPPEN
TO ME. I...
15 YEAR FROM NOW,
I CAN'T STILL BE
DOING INVENTORY
AND DIRECTING SHOPPERS
TO OUR SUPER SALE ON
BACKYARD BARBECUES.
Daphne:
[ On answering machine ]
Hello-o-o?
[ Clatter of objects ]
Justin? I know
you're there.
Pick up!
Justin:
WHOO!
Justin! Are you
guys, like, doing it?
[ Blowing raspberries ]
[ Singing loudly]
?? MY BABY! ??
WHOO!
HUH?
WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
HUH?
WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
UH, LISTENING
TO MOBY.
IT'S REALLY HOT.
SO...
WHASSUP?
"WHASSUP"...
IS YOU LEFT MY
DOOR UNLOCKED.
"WHASSUP" IS
THIS IS NOT
A HOTEL ROOM.
AND YOU'RE NOT
ON YOUR "BLONDE
AMBITION" TOUR.
"WHASSUP" IS YOUR
MOTHER PAID ME A
LITTLE VISIT TODAY.
FINALLY, "WHASSUP"
IS YOU'RE GONNA
TAKE OFF MY SHIRT,
AND CLEAN UP
YOUR s**t.
[ Kicking of object ]
AND ALL I WANTED TO
DO WAS COME HOME,
AND HAVE SOME-
THING TO EAT.
I COULD... MAKE
YOU SOMETHING.
MMM.
NO, Y-YOU
COULDN'T.
I'M SORRY I'M
IN YOUR WAY.
NOT AS SORRY AS I AM.
I DIDN'T MEAN
FOR IT TO HAPPEN.
WELL, IT DID.
SO? AS LONG AS
WE'RE TOGETHER,
WE MIGHT
AS WELL...
[ Sigh ]
WE'RE NOT...
"TOGETHER".
YOU'RE HERE
AS THE RESULT
OF A SERIES
OF UNFORTUNATE
CIRCUMSTANCES...
WHICH HAVE GIVEN ME
THE WORST HEADACHE
OF MY LIFE...
AND A
DUFFEL BAG...
FULL...
OF YOUR f**king
UNDERWEAR.
NOW, I'M
GOING TO BED.
OKAY.
ALONE.
YOU GO OVER
THERE, AND DO
YOUR HOMEWORK.
AND LIGHTS OUT
BY 11:00.
11:00?
DO YOU KNOW THAT
I HAD TO PROMISE
YOUR MOTHER
THAT YOU WOULDN'T
BE LATE FOR
SCHOOL TOMORROW?
AND BY
THE WAY:
SHE SENDS HER LOVE.
OH, NO. NO.
VIC!
LISTEN TO ME. GET
AWAY FROM THAT DOOR!
GET OUT OF THOSE
CLOTHES, AND BACK
IN YOURMUUMUU.
IF I HAVE TO WATCH
MARTHA STEWART
MAKE ONE MORE GODDAMN
THING OUT OF GOAT CHEESE
I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF!
AMC HAS A
JOAN CRAWFORD
FESTIVAL ALL WEEK.
NOBODY'S THAT GAY.
I'VE GOT TO
GO TO WORK,
THEY NEED ME.
AND YOU NEED TO
REST YOUR a**!
GO ON!
HI, HONEY.
[ Chuckle ]
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
UNCLE VIC ASKED ME
TO BRING SOME ROPE
TO TIE YOU DOWN.
KINKY.
YOU WANT SOME
EGGS? YOU'RE
GETTING EGGS.
I GOTTA DO
SOMETHING WITH
MY HANDS.
I WANT YOU TO
STAND STILL AND
LISTEN TO ME.
DO YOU WANT TOMATOES
WITH THOSE?
MA, WILL YOU
LISTEN TO ME?
I HAVE SOMETHING
TO TELL YOU.
I'M UP FOR A
PROMOTION AT WORK.
SWEETIE,
THAT'S GREAT!
I DON'T HAVE
IT YET.
I MAY NOT
GET IT EVER.
BUT EITHER WAY,
I'M MAKING
SOME CHANGES.
YOU'RE NOT GOING
STRAIGHT, ARE YOU?
VIC, SHUSH.
I KNOW HOW
HARD YOU WORK.
YOU ALWAYS HAVE
TAKEN CARE OF ME
ALL BY YOURSELF,
NOBODY TO
HELP YOU.
AND I'VE NEVER
DONE ANYTHING
FOR YOU.
THAT IS
NOT TRUE.
NOW IT'S MY TURN
TO TAKE CARE OF YOU,
AND I WILL. I SWEAR.
BABY, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO TAKE
CARE OF ME.
YOU ALREADY
DO SO MUCH.
WELL, I WANNA
DO MORE.
NOW, WILL
YOU STAY HOME
AND TRY AND GET
A LITTLE REST?
THAT'S MY HERO.
HMMM.
GUS APPROVES.
YEAH, HE'S
NOT BAD.
OF THE CAR.
HE THINKS IT'S YOU.
I BET JUSTIN WILL
LIKE IT TOO, DRIVING
AROUND WITH HIS
SUGAR DADDY.
I'M NOT HIS SUGAR
DADDY, AND WOULD
YOU PLEASE LEAVE
HIM OUT OF THIS?
WOW! BEAUTIFUL BABY.
LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU.
WELL, THANK YOU. SO
DO OUR FIVE OTHERS.
I'M GONNA GO
CHANGE HIM,
HONEY.
YOU DO THAT,
SWEETIE.
WHERE'S THE
LADIES' ROOM?
UH, JUST AROUND
THE CORNER THERE.
BEAUTIFUL FAMILY.
UH, YOU'VE HAD YOUR
EYE ON THIS ONE.
YEAH, I NOTICE IT
COMES FULLY LOADED.
HUH, YOU NAME IT,
IT'S ON IT.
ONLY, YOU DON'T
REALLY WANT THIS.
I DON'T?
FAGS DRIVE IT.
I MEAN, I DON'T
KNOW WHAT IT IS,
BUT THEY'RE
ATTRACTED TO IT
LIKE FLIES.
A NICE COUPLE LIKE
YOU? YOU WANNA BE IN
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
I APPRECIATE
THE WARNING.
BUT I'M STILL...
I'M CURIOUS.
DO YOU THINK
I COULD...
TAKE ONE FOR
A TEST DRIVE?
OH.
AND THEN, I'LL TRY
ONE OF THE, UH,
S-STRAIGHTER MODELS.
GREAT IDEA.
[ Ignition of engine ]
[ ?????? ]
[ Screeching of tires ]
[ ?????? ]
SO, HONEY, W-WHAT
DO YOU THINK?
WE'LL TAKE IT.
MMM.
GOD, YOU'RE
TIGHT.
THANKS.
[ Chuckle ]
I MEANT YOUR BACK.
YOU GOT A LOT
OF TENSION.
AHH.
OH.
[ Ringing of telephone ]
BRIAN.
YEAH. HI!
UH, HOW ABOUT
I PICK YOU UP
AROUND 7:00?
UH, YEAH, ME TOO.
IT'LL BE FUN.
MM-HM.
OKAY. BYE.
WHO WAS THAT?
TRACY, FROM
THE STORE.
OH. THE GIRL
WHO HAS A
CRUSH ON YOU.
SHE DOESN'T HAVE
A CRUSH ON ME,
SHE LIKES ME.
AND I LIKE HER.
BUT NOT IN THE SAME WAY.
I INVITED HER
TO GO WITH ME
TO BOB'S PARTY.
REALLY? AS YOUR DATE?
NO!
WELL, YEAH.
BUT NO!
WELL, THAT'S CLEAR.
HAVE A
GREAT TIME.
OW!
LOOK, YOU KNOW
I CAN'T ASK
YOU, AS MUCH
AS I'D LIKE TO.
I'M PROUD
OF YOU.
REALLY?
IT'S JUST...
I'M SUPPOSED TO
BRING "MY LADY".
DOES TRACY
KNOW WHY YOU'RE
ASKING HER?
I COULDN'T
TELL HER THAT.
WELL, DON'T YOU
THINK IT'S FAIR?
CONSIDERING SHE'S
GOING THERE THINKING
THAT SHE'S YOUR LADY?
HOW WOULD I KNOW
WHAT SHE THINKS?
BESIDES, IT'S NOT
ADATEDATE, IT'S A
PARTY FOR THE BOSS.
IT'S BUSINESS.
CHRIST, I WISH
EVERYBODY WOULD JUST
GET OFF MY BACK!
FINE, I WILL.
I...
HEY, I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T MEAN...
WHAT THE HELL ELSE
AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
MICHAEL, I KNOW
HOW IMPORTANT
THIS PROMOTION
IS TO YOU.
BUT WHAT YOU'RE
DOING IS NOT RIGHT.
IT'S NOT FAIR
TO TRACY, OR
TO YOURSELF.
BELIEVE ME,
I KNOW, I'VE
LIVED IT:
THE DECEIT, BUT
ALWAYS WITH A
GOOD REASON.
THE ONLY THING IS,
IS THAT THERE'S
NEVER A GOOD REASON.
THERE'S ONLY
THE HURT THAT
YOU CAUSE.
THAT IS WHY YOU HAVE
TO TELL THE TRUTH.
YEAH, TELL
THE TRUTH.
WHICH YOU CAN
AFFORD TO DO.
I CAN'T. I DON'T HAVE AN
OFFICE, AND A DIPLOMA,
AND "NOTHING
AVAILABLE TILL
FOUR WEEKS
FROM TUESDAY".
I DON'T EVEN
HAVE MY OWN
BATHROOM.
BUT I DO KNOW THAT IF
I JUST TELL THE TRUTH,
I PROBABLY NEVER WILL.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
HIS MOM ACTUALLY
BROUGHT YOU
HIS STUFF.
YEAH, SHE PRACTI-
CALLY MADE A
GIFT OUT OF HIM.
GIFTS CAN
BE RETURNED.
I JUST WANT HIM
OUT OF MY LIFE, AND
OUT OF MY HOUSE.
HAVE EITHER ONE
OF YOU EVER BEEN
TO ATLANTA?
NO. BUT I HAD
A BOYFRIEND FROM
GEORGIA ONCE.
I, UH, I CALLED
HIM "PEACH FUZZ."
BET YOU CAN'T
GUESS WHY.
'CAUSE HIS BUTT CHEEKS
WERE COVERED WITH
THIS SOFT, FUZZY DOWN
THAT LOOKED
LIKE TWO
GEORGIA PEACHES.
YEAH.
WELL, I THINK I'M GONNA
GO SHOW OUR GUEST
SOME, UH, NORTHERN
HOSPITALITY.
[ ?????? ]
[ Squeaking of pulleys ]
[ Humming of hydraulics ]
AHH.
OOH!
OH.
OOH.
WHAT'S THE
MATTER?
HO, IT'S A
LONG STORY.
NOW, HURRY UP AND
OPEN THAT DOOR.
I CAN'T WAIT.
BE PATIENT.
THE SOUTH WILL
RISE AGAIN.
AND AGAIN.
[ Clatter of pan ]
Brian:
WHAT'S
ALL THIS?
I MADE DINNER.
I HAD SALAD, BUT
I DROPPED IT.
YEAH, YOU MADE
A f**king MESS.
I'LL CLEAN IT UP,
DON'T WORRY.
OH...
WHO'S HE?
HE'S AN
OUT-OF-TOWN GUEST.
MMM, WHAT
YOU'RE MAKING?
SMELLS GOOD.
Justin:
JAMBALAYA. MY
MOM TAUGHT ME.
EXPECT IT'S SORT
OF INSTANT JAMBALAYA,
BECAUSE I USED, UH,
FROZEN SHRIMP
AND MINUTE RICE.
I DIDN'T KNOW HOW
MUCH RICE TO USE,
AND THE WATER
FOR THE SHRIMP
OVERFLOWED
A LITTLE BIT.
WELL HERE,
MAYBE I
CAN HELP.
YOU KNOW, I
USED TO LIVE
IN NEW ORLEANS.
WELL, MY BOYFRIEND
AND WE'D MAKE JAMBA-
LAYA ALL THE TIME.
HUH.
WE'D JUST COOK,
AND f**k.
Man:
WELL, LET'S SEE.
GOT A SPOON?
MMM. IT'S
NOT BAD.
BUT YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU NEED...
IS JUST AN ITSY-
BITSY PINCH OF
CAYENNE PEPPER.
THAT'S WHAT'LL
GIVE YOU THAT
EXTRA SPECIAL KICK.
HE'S GONNA GET AN EXTRA
SPECIAL KICK... LATER.
NOW YOU CAN EITHER
STAND AROUND HERE
EATING JAMBALAYA,
OR YOU CAN COME
UPSTAIRS AND EAT MY a**!
[ ?????? ]
Man:
[ Chuckle ]
WELL...
MAYBE WE CAN
HAVE SOME OF
THIS AFTER, HUH?
YEAH. MY MOM SAYS
IT'S ALWAYS BETTER
THE SECOND DAY.
MMM.
[ ?????? ]
[ Unzipping of fly ]
THANKS FOR COMING
WITH ME, TRACE.
THANKS FOR
INVITING ME.
MICHAEL!
EXCUSE ME, HONEY.
HEY, BOB!
GLAD YOU COULD
MAKE IT, HUH!
YOU KNOW TRACY?
SURE! SURE.
ALTHOUGH, UH,
I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU TWO WERE AN
ITEM, THOUGH.
UH, CAREFUL. DON'T
LET THE BOSS CATCH YOU
FRATERNIZING, HUH?
[ Chuckle ]
[ Uneasy laugh ]
LISTEN, I WANT YOU
TO MEET MY WIFE.
HONEY.
BETTY, HONEY,
COME HERE.
MM, MM.
COMING.
[ Giggling ]
BETTY, I WANT
YOU TO MEET
MIKE NOVOTNY.
HE'S ONE OF
OUR ASSISTANT
MANAGERS.
OH, MIKE! OH,
IT'S SO NICE
TO MEET YOU.
SAME HERE,
MRS. BARBAROSA.
BETTY.
CALL ME BETTY.
OH, AND THIS
MUST BE YOUR
ADORABLE WIFE.
[ Giggling ]
NOT EXACTLY.
I MEAN...
HONEY, COME ON.
GIVE THEM SOME
TIME, WILL YA?
THEY'RE STILL
WORKING ON IT,
YOU KNOW?
PROBABLY NEED TO
PUT SOME MONEY
IN THE BANK
FIRST, RIGHT?
OH WELL, MAYBE
YOU CAN HELP
THEM WITH THAT.
B-BETTY, COME ON,
NOW HOW MANY
TIMES HAVE I
GOTTA TELL YOU,
BUSINESS
IS BUSINESS.
OH, WHEN IT COMES
TO BUSINESS,
I DON'T OPEN
MY MOUTH.
THAT'S STRICTLY
YOUR DOMAIN,
SWEETHEART.
THANK YOU.
BUT WE KNOW WHO'S
REALLY RUNNING THE
SHOW, DON'T WE?
[ Giggling ]
OH, LOOK! THERE'S,
UH, GEORGE AND
HELEN. HI!
YEAH.
WOULD YOU
EXCUSE US?
YEAH. THANK GOD.
HELLO, GEORGIE!
SHE THOUGHT WE
WERE MARRIED.
YEAH.
HOW 'BOUT THAT?
[ Chuckle ]
AND IT'S ONLY
OUR FIRST DATE.
I MEAN, IF
THIS IS A DATE.
CAN I GET
YOU A DRINK?
OH, SURE.
UM, WHAT WOULD
YOU LIKE?
UM, WHATEVER
YOU'RE HAVING.
I JUST... I WANNA
USE THE LADIES'
ROOM. I'LL BE
RIGHT BACK.
THEY'RE MARKED, UH,
SIGNOREANDSIGNORA.
[ Laughing ]
HEY, MIKE.
OH, HI, ANDREW.
THIS IS MY WIFE.
LIZ.
OH, I'M SORRY.
LIZ... I'M SORRY.
I SEE YOU
BROUGHT TRACY.
YEAH.
I DIDN'T
KNOW YOU TWO
WERE GOING OUT.
WELL, WE LIKE TO
KEEP IT DISCREET,
YOU KNOW,
SINCE WE WORK
TOGETHER.
SMART IDEA,
CONSIDERING THE
WAY RUMOURS FLY.
HUH, YOU'RE
TELLING ME.
IN FACT, YOU SHOULD
HEAR SOME OF THE
ONES ABOUT YOU.
LIKE WHAT?
NOTHING I'D WANT
TO REPEAT.
BUT THE KIND
OF THING THAT
COULD REALLY HURT
SOMEONE'S CHANCES.
ESPECIALLY IF
THEY WERE LOOKING
FOR A PROMOTION.
HUH.
THERE'S MY GIRL.
THANKS.
TRACY, HAVE YOU
MET ANDREW'S
WIFE, LIZ?
NO, HI.
HI.
[ Groan ]
HMM.
[ Giggle ]
MMM.
HMM.
Justin:
[ Sniffle ]
[ Sleepy moans ]
AH, MORNING,
JUSTIN.
HOW'D YOU
SLEEP?
[ Groan ]
OKAY.
IT'S A LITTLE LUMPY.
OH.
COME HAVE SOME
BREAKFAST.
I'M NOT HUNGRY.
GOTTA EAT SOME-
THING. YOU'RE A
GROWING BOY.
OH JESUS, DID I
JUST SAY THAT?
[ Chuckle ]
DO YOU WANT ME
TO WASH THE SHEETS?
OH, IT'S OKAY.
BUT IF YOU'D
LIKE, YOU COULD
WASH MY CAR.
[ Laughing ]
I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR
LETTING ME STAY HERE.
HEY, IT'S
NO TROUBLE.
YOU CAN
COME ANY TIME.
RIGHT, MEL?
MMM, ANY TIME.
[ Scoffing ]
HE HATES ME.
HE DOESN'T
HATE YOU.
YES, HE DOES. AND
SO DOES MY DAD.
I PULLED HIM
OFF BRIAN AND
I HIT HIM,
AND NOW I CAN'T
EVEN GO HOME.
AH, SWEETIE,
IT'S OKAY.
NO, DON'T SAY
IT'S OKAY.
AND DON'T SAY
ANYTHING BAD ABOUT
BRIAN EITHER.
THAT DOESN'T
LEAVE MUCH ROOM
FOR CONVERSATION.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'M GONNA DO.
OH! WHAT AM
I GONNA DO?
OH...
[ Sniffle ]
YOU'RE GOING
TO DO ONE THING
AT A TIME.
RIGHT.
FIRST YOU'RE
GONNA TAKE
A SHOWER.
THEN YOU'RE
GOING TO HAVE
BREAKFAST.
THEN YOU'RE
GOING TO
SCHOOL. OKAY?
NOW GO.
WHEW.
POOR GUY.
GOD.
AND STILL, HE
DEFENDS THAT
f**king PRICK.
YOU KNOW,
IT AMAZES ME...
DON'T START.
ALLOW ME.
[ Clearing of throat ]
BRI? IT'S LINZ.
DID I WAKE YOU?
GOOD.
[ Whispering ]
I APOLOGIZE FOR MAKING
YOU BELIEVE OTHERWISE,
BUT I DON'T THINK
IT SHOULD AFFECT MY
ABILITY TO DO MY JOB...
[ Muttering ]
HI, MIKE.
HEY, BOB.
THANKS AGAIN FOR
INVITING ME, UH...
I MEAN, US, TO
THE PARTY THE
OTHER NIGHT.
[ Chuckle ]
WE HAD A
GREAT TIME.
HEY, LISTEN,
BETTY WAS CRAZY
ABOUT YOU.
ALL SHE WANTS
TO KNOW IS, WHEN
ARE YOU AND TRACY
GETTING HITCHED?
LISTEN, BOB,
THERE'S SOMETHING
I NEED TO TALK
TO YOU ABOUT...
THAT TRACY,
SHE'S A REAL
PRETTY GIRL.
SHE'S WHAT
WE USED TO CALL
A... A FOX.
YOU GUYS
STILL USE THAT
WORD, A FOX?
YEAH, WE STILL
USE THAT WORD.
UH, DO YOU KNOW
IF SHE'S BUSY
TONIGHT?
EXCUSE ME?
UH, 'CAUSE YOU
MIGHT, UH...
YOU MIGHT WANNA
HAVE A LITTLE
CELEBRATION
OF YOUR OWN.
WELL, AFTER ALL,
ISN'T THAT WHAT
YOU DO WHEN YOU
GET A PROMOTION,
MR. MANAGER!
[ Hearty chuckle ]
All:
[ Clapping ]
Bob:
WAY TO GO,
BUDDY.
CONGRATU-
LATIONS, BUDDY.
Boy:
A f**king PAPER,
YOU KNOW. LIKE...
WELL f**k YOU,
YOU OLD wh*re.
OH, s**t.
WHAT'S UP?
HEY, JUSTIN!
HEY, JUSTIN.
HEARD YOU'RE NOT
LIVING AT HOME
ANY MORE, HUH?
THAT f**king
DAPHNE AND
HER BIG MOUTH.
AH, YEAH, YEAH.
YEAH,
THAT'S NEAT.
HEY, MAYBE IT'S
'CAUSE YOU'RE A
f**king FAGGOT!
YEAH, 'CAUSE YOU'RE
A f**king HOMO,
YOU LITTLE b*tch!
HOW DO YOU
LIKE ME NOW?
FAGGOT!
WHAT'S UP?
HEY, WANNA
COME f**k ME
IN THE a**?
WANNA SUCK
MY d*ck?
Brian:
JUSTIN!
GET IN
THE CAR.
WHO THE f**k
IS THIS?
W-WHAT FOR?
I SAID GET IN THE CAR.
WHERE ARE WE GOING?
HOME.
Jennifer:
JUSTIN?
DO YOU HAVE
ANYTHING YOU'D
LIKE TO SAY?
WELL IN THAT CASE
I'LL, UH, SPEAK FOR
YOUR FATHER AND ME.
WE WANT YOU
TO COME HOME.
IT'S WHERE
YOU BELONG.
AND I THINK, UH...
BRIAN WOULD
AGREE.
Craig:
WHAT DIFFERENCE
DOES IT MAKE
WHAT BRIAN...
EXCUSE ME, I
WAS SPEAKING.
KINDLY LET
ME FINISH.
JUSTIN?
LOOK AT YOUR
MOM, JUSTIN.
YOU'RE
STAYING HERE.
ONLY IF DAD SAYS
HE'S SORRY, TO BRIAN.
JUSTIN, HE
IS THE ONE
WHO SHOULD BE
APOLOGIZING TO YOU,
FOR CHRIST'S SAKES!
FOR MAKING YOU
THINK HE LOVED YOU.
HE NEVER SAID
HE LOVED ME.
HE SAID IT WAS JUST
A f**k, THAT'S ALL.
BUT I'M OKAY
WITH THAT
BECAUSE THAT...
THAT'S ALL IT WAS.
ALL IT SHOULD BE.
I-I THINK YOU
SHOULD GO TO
YOUR ROOM NOW.
ONE MORE
THING, JUSTIN.
CRAIG...
NO!
NO, NO. I'M
GONNA SAY THIS.
IF YOU'RE
GONNA LIVE
IN THIS HOUSE,
THERE'S RULES
YOU HAVE TO OBEY.
YOU'RE NOT
GONNA GO TO ANY
MORE GAY BARS
OR TALK ABOUT
YOUR DISGUST-
ING LIFESTYLE
AROUND HERE.
AND YOU ARE NEVER,
EVER TO SEE HIM AGAIN.
SO IN OTHER WORDS,
FOR JUSTIN TO LIVE
HERE WITH YOU,
HE HAS TO DENY
WHO HE IS,
WHAT HE THINKS,
AND HOW HE FEELS?
NO ONE ASKED FOR
YOUR OPINION, PAL.
[ Sighing ]
WELL THAT'S NOT LOVE.
THAT'S HATE.
GET THE f**k
OUT OF MY HOUSE.
JUSTIN,
YOU COMING?
Crowd:
[ Applauding ]
OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH!
SAVE IT FOR MY KID.
MIKEY, STAND UP.
COME ON!
STAND UP.
HEY, EVERYBODY,
MICHAEL GOT
PROMOTED.
HE IS THEMANAGER
OF THE BIG Q
ON BUCKLEY!
BUTLER,
NOT BUCKLEY.
[ Cheering ]
COME ON, MA.
WHAT, I CAN'T
BE PROUD JUST
THIS ONE TIME?
IS IT ONLY FOR
GAY PEOPLE?
NO ONE'S GAYER
THAN YOU, DEB.
NO, YOU ARE
A ROLE MODEL
TO ALL OF US.
WHAT CAN I SAY?
I'M SURE YOU'LL
THINK OF SOMETHING.
All:
[ Chuckling ]
HONEY. LOOK AT
THAT FACE, HUH?
YOU LOOK AT
THAT FACE,
AND YOU KNOW THAT
MY SON HAS THE
BIGGEST HEART,
AND THE
MOST HONEST.
HUH? COULD
THOSE EYES LIE?
NO ONE DESERVES A
PROMOTION MORE THAN
YOU, SWEETHEART.
BECAUSE YOU'RE
THE BEST.
DIDN'T I ALWAYS
TELL YOU YOU
WERE GONNA BE
A BIG SUCCESS?
s**t.
BEFORE I GET
ALL WEEPY,
LIKE BEFORE MY
HYSTERECTOMY,
[ Chuckle ]
I'M TAKING ORDERS
AND IT IS ON ME!
MA, YOU CAN'T
AFFORD TO DO THAT.
HONEY, WE CAN AFFORD
ANYTHING TONIGHT!
GO.
UH, AH...
I'M FINE.
I'M FINE.
HAVE SOMETHING.
I DON'T... NO.
NO... SHOULD I?
Ted:
YOU SHOULD EAT.
YOU DID
GOOD, MIKEY.
THANKS.
Emmett:
...AND A SALAD.
CAN I GET A SALAD?
YEAH, I'LL BE
BACK IN A SEC.
...I MEAN, IS
THAT TOO MUCH? AM
I ORDERING TOO MUCH?
I'M ORDERING TOO
MUCH. I DON'T
NEED ANYTHING!
I'M FINE. YOU
KNOW WHAT? NOTHING,
NOTHING FOR ME.
[ Pattering of rain ]
[ Wolf whistle ]
NICE GOING,
MIKEY.
I WISH EVERYONE
WOULD JUST STOP
CONGRATULATING ME.
OKAY! I TAKE
IT BACK.
NO, I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY,
I'M SORRY.
I JUST...
[ Sighing ]
YEAH, I'LL BE
ABLE TO HELP
MY MOM NOW.
GREAT. I-I'M
A LIAR.
AND DON'T TELL ME
I SHOULD BE USED
TO THAT BY NOW.
THAT'S NOT WHAT
I WAS GONNA SAY.
WHAT I WAS
GONNA SAY IS,
IT'S NOT LYING
IF THEY MAKE
YOU LIE,
IF THE ONLY TRUTH
THEY CAN ACCEPT
IS THEIR OWN.
[ Sighing ]
NOW, YOU'D BETTER
GET BACK IN THERE.
HOW CAN IT BE A
PARTY WITHOUT THE
GUEST OF HONOUR?
[ Chuckling ]
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
I'VE GOT SOMEBODY
WAITING FOR ME.
HEY.
YOU HUNGRY?
NOT REALLY.
GOTTA EAT
SOMETHING.
[ Heavy sigh ]
SO,
WHAT'S FOR DINNER?
JAMBALAYA. FROM
LAST NIGHT.
IT'S NOT BAD.
[ Chuckling ]
IT'S ALWAYS BETTER
THE SECOND DAY.
[ ?????? ]
CLOSED CAPTIONED
BYCOMPREHENSIVE DISTRIBUTORS.
MOO!
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...
ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, FIVE, SIX,
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ ?????? ]
[ Clicking of
computer keys ]
Man:
[ Panting ]
[ Moans of pleasure ]
[ ?????? ]
[ Gasp of climax ]
[ Panting ]
HOOK UP, FOR REAL?
[ Beeping of computer ]
Computer:
GOOD BYE.
[ Mixed laughter/chatter ]
WOULD YOU JUST SHOOT?
POOL IS A GAME
OF PRECISION
AND SCIENCE, MY FRIEND.
IT INVOLVES INTRICATE
EYE-HAND COORDINATION,
GEOMETRY,
SPECIFIC GRAVITY,
MOLECULAR DENSITY...
IT'S A f**king
BALL AND STICK!
Brian:
WILL YOU TAKE
THE SHOT, MIKEY?
I CAN'T, I GOT
TO GO MEET DAVID.
WHY DOESN'T HE EVER
MEET YOU HERE?
UM, BECAUSE HE DOESN'T
LIKE MY FRIENDS?
I DON'T LIKE YOUR FRIENDS.
WHAT ABOUT HIS
FRIENDS? DOES
HE HAVE ANY?
HEY, I SUNK ONE!
YEAH, WELL
YOU'RE STRIPES.
YEAH, SURE HE
HAS FRIENDS.
HAVE YOU EVER
MET ANY?
UM, NO.
MAYBE HE DOESN'T
WANT YOU TO.
Justin:
HEY, THERE!
WELL, AT LEAST HIS
FRIENDS ARE HIS OWN AGE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
Brian:
I THOUGHT IT WAS
A SCHOOL NIGHT.
YOU'RE HERE.
I'M A GROWN UP.
BARELY.
GO HOME!
[ Whispering ]
NO.
SO WHAT IS THIS:
ADOPT-A-TRICK?
FIRST HE'S A
ONE-NIGHT STAND,
NOW HE'S MOVED IN!
Brian:
IT'S ONLY
TEMPORARY.
UH-HUH. UNTIL
HE GROWS UP?
UNTIL I FIGURE OUT
WHAT TO DO WITH HIM.
MIKEY!
TELL THE DOC
WE MISS HIM.
BYE. BYE!
Ted:
BYE.
Emmett:
SEE YOU!
Emmett:
THAT COULD
BE HIM.
Ted:
WHO?
USEMYHOLE27.
USEMYHOLE27?
WHAT DOES
THAT MEAN,
LIKE 26 OTHER GUYS
HAVE USED HIS HOLE
BEFORE YOU?
NO. HE'S MY
CYBER-BOYFRIEND.
SWIMMER'S BUILD,
LEO-LIKE SMILE.
IT'S THE BEST
IMAGINARY-SEX
I EVER HAD.
BUT NOW
IT'S OVER.
HOW COME?
BECAUSE HE
WANTS TO
MEET ME.
SO?
SO! I'M
NOTHING LIKE
MY PROFILE, SO.
BIG, SMOOTH,
6'2", 195 POUNDS,
FOUR PERCENT
BODY FAT...
UNCUT.
JESUS!
I THINK I DID
IT WITH YOU
JUST LAST WEEK.
EWW! HOW WAS I?
DID YOU EVER CONSIDER JUST
TELLING HIM THE TRUTH?
UH, WHAT? WHAT,
THAT I'M A BIG,
NELLY BOTTOM
WHO WISHES HE
WERE A BEEFY
BRUTAL TOP,
AND NEVER
WILL BE?
[ Wailing ]
YES, HELLO. THIS IS
LINDSAY PETERSEN.
I NEED TO TALK
TO DR. PERSAUD.
IT'S ABOUT GUS.
Melanie:
OH, GOD!
HE'S THROWING
UP AGAIN.
SHH, SHH, SHH.
IT'S OKAY,
IT'S OKAY.
IT'S OKAY.
IT'S OKAY.
HE'S BURNING
UP, HONEY.
OUR BABY'S SICK
AND I HAVE TO...
THEY WANT US TO
LEAVE OUR NUMBER AND
WHEN SHE CALLS IN,
THEY'LL GIVE
HER THE MESSAGE.
GIVE IT TO ME.
HELLO, UH,
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
HI, CAROL. THIS
IS MELANIE MARCUS.
LISTEN, WE NEED TO
REACH DR. PERSAUD.
DOESN'T SHE USUALLY
LEAVE HER PAGER ON?
OKAY, GREAT. THEN
I'D APPRECIATE IT
IF YOU'D PLEASE
CONTACT HER
WHILE I WAIT
ON THE LINE.
THANK YOU.
I LOVE YOU.
Gus:
[ Crying ]
SHH, SHH, SHH.
HELLO,
DR. PERSAUD?
HI, IT'S
LINDSAY PETERSEN.
YEAH, IT'S
GUS HE HAS
A FEVER, 102,
AND HE'S BEEN
THROWING UP...
YES, ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU.
SHE SAYS THAT
WE HAVE TO GO
TO THE HOSPITAL
RIGHT AWAY.
OKAY, OKAY.
LISTEN. IT'S
GOING TO BE
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL GET THE
KEYS, YOU GET
HIS BLANKY.
OKAY.
Justin:
BRIAN'S HOME.
YOU MEAN IT?
MY MOM SAYS "HI."
BRIAN SAYS "HI", TOO.
YEAH.
SO, DOES DAD
ASK ABOUT ME?
OH, IS HE STILL MAD?
CAN YOU TALK TO HIM?
MAKE HIM
UNDERSTAND?
NO, NO I CAN'T.
I CAN'T COME HOME.
NOT IF HE
STILL FEELS
THAT WAY.
MOM? MOM.
I'M GOING TO GO.
GIVE MOLLY A KISS FOR ME.
YEAH, YOU TOO.
[ Sigh/clearing of throat ]
[ Sniffing ]
YOU KNOW, IT'S, UH,
REALLY NOT WORTH
CRYING ABOUT.
I WASN'T CRYING.
JUST MY ALLERGIES.
YOUR FATHER'S AN a**hole
WHO TREATS YOU LIKE s**t,
HE PRACTICALLY KILLED ME.
I SAY FORGET ABOUT HIM.
YEAH, BUT HE'S MY DAD.
I MEAN, COULD YOU FORGET
ABOUT YOUR FATHER?
I ALREADY DID.
A LONG TIME AGO.
YOU MEAN YOU
NEVER SEE HIM,
OR TALK TO HIM?
WHAT FOR?
JUST TO HANG OUT.
BE TOGETHER.
YEAH, JUST BECAUSE HE
GOT MY MOTHER PREGNANT
DOESN'T MEAN THAT
THERE'S SOME SPECIAL
BOND BETWEEN US.
HE SERVED
HIS PURPOSE.
THAT'S ALL HE
WAS GOOD FOR.
I COULD NEVER FEEL
THAT WAY ABOUT MY DAD.
WELL THEN
YOU'LL ALWAYS
BE HURT.
[ Ringing of telephone ]
HELLO?
OH, HI.
YEAH, HOLD ON,
HE'S RIGHT HERE.
IT'S LINDSAY.
SHE SOUNDS UPSET.
AH!
[ Laughing ]
QUIT IT.
I CAN'T
HELP IT.
I SEE YOU, I
JUST WANT TO
TAKE A BITE.
[ Chuckle ]
WHO CALLED?
OH, MY EX.
LORI?
YEAH, I TOLD HER
ALL ABOUT YOU.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
I SAID YOU
WERE SMART,
YOU WERE FUNNY
AND YOU WERE SEXY.
I THOUGHT YOU STOPPED
LYING TO YOUR WIFE.
COME ON, LET'S
GO TO BED.
WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
WHICH?
LET ME SEE.
THE PEOPLE IN
THE PICTURE.
THEY LOOK NICE.
THEY LOOK...
STRAIGHT.
[ Laughing ]
THAT'S LAURA
AND STEVE. THIS IS
ON NEW YEAR'S EVE.
STEVE'S A
UROLOGIST,
LAURA WORKS AT
PITT. THEY'RE
REALLY GOOD
FRIENDS OF MIND.
SO HOW COME I'VE
NEVER MET THEM?
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
DO YOU WANT TO
MEET THEM?
I DON'T KNOW.
DO YOU WANT ME
TO MEET THEM?
WHAT'S WITH YOU?
NOTHING. I
WAS JUST...
I WAS DRIVING OVER
HERE TONIGHT WITH
MY BAG OF STUFF
FOR TOMORROW,
AND I JUST STARTED
TO FEEL LIKE SOME-
BODY'S LITTLE SECRET.
YOU KNOW, IT'S
ALWAYS JUST
THE TWO OF US.
WELL I HAVE TO
ADMIT, I KIND OF
ENJOY IT THAT WAY,
JUST HAVING YOU
ALL TO MYSELF.
BUT IF YOU
WANT TO BE WITH
OTHER PEOPLE...
NO, IT'S OKAY.
I'M SOR...
I-I NEVER SHOULD
HAVE BROUGHT IT UP.
I'M GLAD
YOU DID.
HEY, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING
SATURDAY NIGHT?
SATURDAY NIGHT?
YEAH, WE'LL
HAVE A
DINNER PARTY.
I'LL INTRODUCE
YOU TO THE GANG.
THE GANG? NO,
THAT'S OKAY.
NO, IT'S A
GREAT IDEA!
YOU KNOW,
I-I WANT THEM
TO KNOW YOU.
AND YOU SHOULD
KNOW THEM.
AH!
[ Laughing ]
HEY!
WHAT THE f**k
ARE YOU DOING?
[ Gasp ]
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? HOW...
H-HOW'D YOU GET IN HERE?
HEY.
I ASKED THE QUESTION FIRST!
WHAT THE f**k DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE DOING DELETING ME?
DON'T YOU
RECOGNIZE ME?
I'M "PITTS...
9X6."
HOW DO YOU KNOW MY
SECRET SCREEN NAME?
WELL, DUDE, I AM
YOUR SCREEN NAME.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
DID... DID TED PUT
YOU UP TO THIS?
PROFILE: BIG, SMOOTH,
6'2", 195 POUNDS,
FOUR PERCENT
BODY FAT,
UNCUT.
OKAY. OKAY, I GET IT.
MICHAEL AND TED
READ MY PROFILE
A-AND THEY PAID YOU
TO COME HERE
AND MESS
WITH MY HEAD.
WELL, MY GRIP
ON REALITY
IS A LITTLE TIGHTER THAN
EVERYONE SEEMS TO THINK.
OKAY? PITTS DOESN'T EXIST.
HE... HE'S A FANTASY.
A FIGMENT OF MY...
OVERACTIVE...
IMAGINAT...
OH...
OH MY GOD!
IT'S TRUE!
YOU REALLY ARE...
9X6...
THANKS TO YOU.
YEAH.
OKAY. I MU... I
MUST BE DREAMING.
I DON'T...
THESE ARE SOME
HOT TAPES.
"DAWSON'S CRACK."
MIND IF I POP IT IN?
OH MY GOD, I'VE
COMPLETELY CRACKED.
I'M TALKING TO
MY S-SCREEN NAME.
OKAY, W-WHAT IS GOING ON?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
WELL I ALMOST WASN'T. YOU
WERE ABOUT TO DELETE ME.
OH. WELL I'M VERY SORRY,
BUT I'M... I'M
THROUGH WITH YOU.
BUT I'M A HOTTIE!
EVERYBODY ON-LINE
WANTS ME.
EXACTLY. THEY WANT
YOU, THE FANTASY.
NOT ME, THE REAL PERSON.
IT'S PATHETIC,
MY SCREEN NAME HAS
MORE FUN THAT I DO!
HEY, YOU SAID
YOU WISHED
YOU COULD BE A
BEEFY, BRUTAL TOP
INSTEAD OF A
BIG, NELLY BOTTOM.
WELL, IF I
COULD TEACH YOU
HOW TO BE
LIKE ME,
WILL YOU LET
ME LIVE?
BUT I'M NOT
LIKE YOU.
WELL...
I CAME FROM
SOMEWHERE,
DIDN'T I?
[ ?????? ]
Paramedic:
HERE WE GO.
COMING THROUGH.
Doctor:
WHAT ARE HIS SYMPTOMS?
UH, DIARRHEA,
VOMITING, FEVER.
DO YOU KNOW
HOW HIGH?
JUST UNDER 102
THE LAST TIME
WE CHECKED.
YEAH, WE'RE...
WE'RE WORRIED
ABOUT DEHYDRATION.
ALL RIGHT,
LET'S GET HIM
CHECKED OUT.
WHICH ONE
OF YOU IS
THE MOTHER?
UH, WELL...
WELL, I'M THE
BIRTH MOTHER.
WHY DON'T YOU
GO BACK WITH
HIM THEN?
AND YOU CAN
WAIT HERE.
ACTUALLY,
WE'RE RAISING
HIM TOGETHER.
WE'RE A COUPLE.
WELL, IN THAT
CASE, DO YOU HAVE
ADOPTION PAPERS?
ADOPTION?
HE MEANS FOR ME.
NO, NOT YET.
WE PLAN TO FILE...
I'M SORRY,
BUT WE CAN ONLY
ALLOW THE CHILD'S
LEGAL GUARDIANS
TO GO WITH HIM.
FINE. LET'S
STOP TALKING.
JUST TAKE HIM.
NOW, OKAY?
I'LL RUN BACK
OUT THE MINUTE
I KNOW ANYTHING.
OKAY.
I LOVE YOU.
[ Hospital hubbub ]
EXCUSE ME,
I-I NEED TO
GO BACK THERE.
YOU SEE, MY PARTNER
FORGOT OUR BABY'S BLANKET
AND I DON'T WANT HIM TO
BE ANY MORE UPSET THAN...
LOOK...
MISS-S-S... OR
WHATEVER YOU ARE,
I BELIEVE IT
WAS ALREADY
EXPLAINED TO YOU
THAT ONLY THE CHILD'S
PARENTS OR LEGAL GUARDIANS
ARE PERMITTED
TO BE WITH HIM.
A-AND I BELIEVE IT NEEDS
TO BE EXPLAINED TO YOU
THAT I'M THE ONE WHO
LOVES HIM, AND FEEDS HIM,
AND WALKS HIM,
AND PLAYS
WITH HIM,
AND CHANGES
HIM, AND CLEANS
UP HIS s**t,
AND WIPES UP HIS VOMIT,
AND PAYS THE BILLS, AND...
YOU LISTEN TO ME.
I STAY UP
HALF THE NIGHT
WORRYING
THAT HE WILL GROW
UP TO BE HAPPY AND
HEALTHY AND LOVED,
SO DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME
I HAVE NO RIGHT
TO BE WITH HIM,
YOU OFFICIOUS,
HOMOPHOBIC cu*t.
WHAT'S GOING
ON? HOW IS HE?
I DON'T...
I DON'T KNOW.
THEY WON'T LET
ME BACK THERE.
WHY?
I'M... I'M
NOT LEGAL,
I'M NOT ANYTHING,
APPARENTLY,
EXCEPT GOING
CRAZY HERE.
WHAT IS THAT?
YOUR f**king
BUREAUCRACY?
Melanie:
EXCUSE ME,
THIS IS
THE FATHER.
I'LL TAKE
YOU BACK.
WELL SHE'S
GOING TOO.
NO, DON'T WORRY,
JUST GO. AND...
UH, GIVE
THIS TO HIM.
[ ?????? ]
[ Exhaling ]
NOT EVEN SIX MONTHS OLD
AND ALREADY MY KID'S
A DRAMA QUEEN.
WELL, AT LEAST YOU
KNOW HE'S YOURS.
THE GOOD NEWS IS
HE'S ALL RIGHT.
YEAH, ONLY I HAD TO GO
TO THE HOSPITAL MYSELF
BECAUSE SOMEONE LEFT
THEIR CELL PHONE OFF.
I HAD TO DEAL WITH
MY OWN CRISIS.
DAVID'S THROWING
A DINNER PARTY,
US AND TWO
OTHER COUPLES.
ONE OF THEM IS STRAIGHT.
HE EATS WITH
STRAIGHT PEOPLE?
ICK. YOU NEVER KNOW WHERE
THEIR HANDS HAVE BEEN.
SO W-WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
THE PROBLEM IS
WHAT'LL I TALK ABOUT?
WHAT DO WE TALK ABOUT?
Emmett:
WHAT WE'VE DONE,
WHO WE'VE DONE,
WHO WE WANT TO DO.
THESE PEOPLE
AREN'T LIKE US.
THEY'RE PROFESSORS AND
DOCTORS AND THINGS.
WE'RE THINGS.
AD EXECS,
ACCOUNTANTS.
COUTURIERS TO
DISCO TRASH.
THE THING IS,
AFTER TWO MINUTES
IT'LL BE PAINFULLY OBVIOUS
THAT I DON'T FIT IN,
AND DAVID'LL DUMP ME
ON THE SPOT.
THEN WE BETTER
GET BUSY.
RIGHT, PROFESSOR HIGGINS?
RIGHT, PICKERING.
WE'LL TURN YOU FROM A SIMPLE
FLOWER GIRL INTO A LADY!
SPEAKING OF
LADIES, GET
TO WORK!
WHAT THE f**k
ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
TURNING YOU
FROM A CANDY-
a** INTO A STUD.
NOW LET'S SEE
YOU SPREAD 'EM.
NOW!
RIGHT.
[ Playful snarl ]
[ Groaning
with effort ]
WHAT'S WITH G.I. JANE?
Ted:
IF HE'S
NOT CAREFUL,
HE MIGHT ACTUALLY
BREAK A SWEAT.
OR A NAIL.
[ Grunts of effort ]
Lindsay:
HE'S DOWN, FOR
A WHILE ANYWAY.
Melanie:
THAT'S GOOD.
HON, WHAT
ARE YOU
THINKING ABOUT?
[ Sigh of
weariness ]
HEBREW SCHOOL.
[ Light chuckle ]
HE'S STILL A
LITTLE YOUNG,
DON'T YOU THINK?
NO, WHEN I
WAS A KID IN
HEBREW SCHOOL,
RABBI PROTESH
USED TO SAY TO US,
"IF YOU EVER
FORGET YOU'RE
A JEW,
A NON-JEW WILL
REMIND YOU."
I ALWAYS WONDERED
WHAT HE MEANT,
UNTIL EMILY MEREDITH
CALLED ME A "JAP"
ON THE PLAYGROUND.
OH, THAT
LITTLE b*tch.
WELL, THEN
I KNEW WHAT
HE MEANT.
I'D FORGOTTEN
I WAS DIFFERENT,
UNTIL I WAS
SO THOUGHTFULLY
REMINDED.
THE SAME THING
HAPPENED AT
THE HOSPITAL
LAST NIGHT.
WELL, THEY
HAD NO RIGHT!
YEAH, THEY DID.
THEY HAD
EVERY RIGHT.
BUT WE HAVE
A RIGHT, TOO;
TO PROTECT
OURSELVES.
HOW?
WE NEED TO TALK TO BRIAN.
Emmett:
MISS MANNERS
SAYS,
"ALWAYS BE SURE
TO COMPLIMENT
THE HOSTESS."
I AM THE HOSTESS.
AND YOU
LOOK LOVELY.
[ Deep breath ]
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, NOW.
UH, WHICH FORK'S
FOR SALAD?
GO FROM THE
OUTSIDE IN.
HEY, I THOUGHT
YOU WERE STUDY-
ING FOR YOUR
CALCULUS EXAM.
I'M TAKING A BREAK.
WELL, GET
BACK TO WORK.
NOW, WHERE'S THE
BREAD PLATE?
ON YOUR LEFT.
WATER GLASS?
Justin:
ON YOUR RIGHT.
WELL, AS LONG AS
I ONLY HAVE SALAD,
BREAD AND WATER,
I-I'M ALL SET.
ALL RIGHT, NOW TOPICS
OF CONVERSATION,
UH, STAY CLEAR OF RELIGION
BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW
WHERE ANYBODY STANDS.
AVOID POLITICS
LIKE THE PLAGUE,
AND, UH,
YOU SHOULD
PROBABLY STEER CLEAR
OF THE ECONOMY AS WELL.
Brian:
WELL, SO FAR
HE SHOULD HAVE
NO TROUBLE,
MIKEY'S NEVER
TALKED ABOUT
RELIGION, POLITICS
OR THE MARKET
IN HIS LIFE.
WELL WHAT DO
I TALK ABOUT?
MOVIES ARE ALWAYS
A SAFE BET
IF YOU WANT TO
APPEAR CURRENT WITHOUT
SOUNDING CONTROVERSIAL.
I SAW "X-MEN"
SIX TIMES.
YEAH, UH, SOMEHOW I
SUSPECT THAT WON'T "WOW"
THE ART-HOUSE CROWD.
Brian:
LOOK, YOU'RE
MAKING TOO BIG A
DEAL OUT OF THIS.
YOU SHOW UP,
YOU TALK,
YOU EAT.
BUT THESE
ARE DAVID'S
BEST FRIENDS.
YOU KNOW, I
WANT TO MAKE A
GOOD IMPRESSION.
Emmett:
AND YOU WILL, YOU
JUST HAVE TO REMEMBER
A FEW SIMPLE RULES.
UTENSILS
OUTSIDE IN.
DON'T TALK
ABOUT ANYTHING
THAT MATTERS.
DON'T TALK WITH
YOUR MOUTH FULL.
OH, WHAT
IF I BURP?
JUST COVER YOUR MOUTH
WITH YOUR NAPKIN
AND SAY "EXCUSE ME" TO
NO ONE IN PARTICULAR.
JUST BE YOURSELF,
YOU WON'T
HAVE ANYTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT.
I JUST KNOW
SOMEHOW,
SOME WAY,
I AM GOING
TO f**k UP.
WELL SEE, THAT'S
WHAT HE MEANS.
BE YOURSELF.
Melanie:
[ Whispering ]
THAT LOOKS GOOD.
LET ME TALK TO
HIM. YOU KNOW HOW
YOU SET HIM OFF.
OH, I PROMISE
I WON'T SAY
A WORD. I WON'T
SAY ANYTHING.
HE SEEMS
FINE TO ME.
Brian:
AREN'T YOU,
SONNY BOY?
THANK GOD, AFTER
LAST NIGHT.
YESTERDAY,
LIFE AND DEATH,
TODAY, TEA
AND COOKIES.
THEY'RE GOOD.
IT'S A MIX.
BUT IT MAKES
YOU REALIZE HOW
IMPORTANT IT IS
TO BE PREPARED.
FOR WHAT?
FOR LIKE WHAT
HAPPENED WITH
THAT NURSE.
GOD, SHE WAS
A REAL b*tch.
UH, THANK YOU.
JUSTIN, WOULD
YOU LIKE SOME
ICE CREAM?
NO, I'M OKAY.
WHAT ARE YOU
GETTING AT?
WELL, IT'S
SOMETHING WE
TALKED ABOUT
BEFORE GUS WAS BORN,
ONLY WE NEVER
GOT AROUND
TO DOING IT.
MELANIE
WOULD LIKE
TO PETITION
FOR SECOND-
PARENT ADOPTION.
WHAT'S THAT?
Melanie:
WELL, I'M
NOT GUS' BIO-
LOGICAL PARENT
LIKE LINDSAY,
OR BRIAN.
SO I NEED TO
FILE PAPERS
TO MAKE ME HIS
LEGAL GUARDIAN.
ONLY MELANIE
CAN'T GET THE PRO-
CESS GOING UNTIL...
YOU SIGN PAPERS
AGREEING TO...
GIVE UP YOUR
PARENTAL RIGHTS.
NO WAY!
HE'S GUS' DAD.
NO ONE'S
DENYING THAT.
YOU KNOW YOU'LL
ALWAYS BE PART
OF HIS LIFE,
IN THE SAME
WAY WE'LL ALWAYS
BE A PART OF
EACH OTHER'S...
YOU DON'T HAVE
TO CONVINCE ME.
JUST TELL ME
WHERE TO SIGN.
WHAT?
[ Sigh of relief ]
Justin:
YOU MEAN YOU'RE
ACTUALLY GOING TO DO IT?
Melanie:
JUSTIN!
Brian:
HE'LL BE
BETTER OFF.
WHAT DO I
HAVE TO DO?
SIGN SOME PAPERS.
I'LL HAVE THEM
DRAWN UP.
YOU CAN'T!
WOULD YOU STAY
OUT OF THIS?
YOU'RE HIS
FATHER.
AND I'M TEACHING
HIM A LESSON:
DON'T COUNT ON
YOUR OLD MAN.
[ ?????? ]
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING WITH
YOUR ARM?
I CALL IT THE
"PRAISE JESUS."
LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE
HAILING A CAB.
I CALL IT THE
WORST DANCING
I'VE EVER SEEN.
WHO ASKED YOU?
DON'T GET SORE.
I'M JUST KIDDING.
SEE ANYONE HOT?
I HAVEN'T SEEN
SO MANY DOGS SINCE
"101 DALMATIANS."
HEY, WHAT ABOUT THAT
GUY OVER THERE?
I'D LIKE TO
HOUSEBREAK HIM.
I SUPPOSE HE'S
ALL RIGHT.
YEAH, TRANSLATION:
WE DON'T HAVE THE
GUTS TO GO AFTER HIM.
SPEAK FOR
YOURSELF, LOSER!
WELL, GO
FOR IT.
YOU MADE ME SPILL MY BEER.
SORRY.
TELL HIM
YOU'LL LICK IT
OFF HIS CHEST.
WHAT?
I SAID YOU SPILLED
MY BEER, MAN.
SAY IT!
UH, I-I'LL LICK IT
OFF YOUR CH-CHEST.
[ Snorting ]
I'D RATHER
HAVE A NAPKIN.
RIGHT, RIGHT!
OH, HERE.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU
WAITING FOR? ASK
HIM TO GO HOME.
HEY, DUDE.
HEY, DUDE...
I NEVER
SAY "DUDE."
I CAN TELL
YOU WANT IT BAD.
I-I-I CAN TELL
YOU WANT IT BAD.
WHAT DO YOU SAY
WE GET OUT OF
HERE AND...
YOU KNOW, UM, HE'S
MAKING ME DO THIS.
f**king WEIRDO!
WELL, THAT WAS
THE MOST STUNNING
DISPLAY OF INEPTITUDE
I'VE EVER WITNESSED.
HEY, HOW'D
IT GO?
f**k OFF!
[ ?????? ]
[ Mixed chatter ]
[ Ringing of door bell ]
Steve:
DAVID, DAVID,
DAVID.
AT LAST, THE
BOYFRIEND!
I'M SORRY
I'M LATE.
NONSENSE, YOU'RE
FASHIONABLE.
I'M LAURA.
LISTEN, I'VE KNOWN
DAVID FOREVER.
SO IF THERE'S
ANYTHING YOU NEED
TO KNOW ABOUT HIM...
WARNING: DO
NOT LISTEN
TO DR. LAURA.
OH! I HATE WHEN
HE CALLS ME THAT.
YOU'VE GOT
A Ph.D.
IN ECONOMICS!
HEY, YOU.
EXCUSE ME, SIR,
DO I KNOW YOU?
OH, HE'S FUNNY!
AND ADORABLE.
AND ADORABLE.
YOU SEE? SHE
THINKS YOU'RE
ADORABLE.
I'M NERVOUS
AS HELL.
RELAX. EVERYBODY'S
GOING TO LOVE YOU.
WHAT MAKES
YOU THINK THAT?
BECAUSE I DO.
GO, GO, GO, GO.
"INSOUCIANT."
Justin:
UNCONCERNED,
NONCHALANT.
THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE.
[ Grunt of effort ]
INSOUCIANT...
"SYCOPHANT".
UNCARING.
THAT'S WRONG,
IT MEANS a**-KISSER.
IT DOESN'T SAY
a**-KISSER.
"ONE WHO SEEKS
FAVOUR BY FLATTERY."
a**-KISSER.
WHO CARES
WHAT IT SAYS?
HOW CAN YOU
GIVE AWAY GUS?
HE'LL THINK YOU
DIDN'T WANT HIM.
HE'LL BE RIGHT.
[ Scoffing ]
I DON'T
BELIEVE YOU.
I WAS THERE
THE NIGHT
GUS WAS BORN.
I SAW YOU GIVE
HIM A KISS...
NOT EVERYONE'S
CUT OUT TO
BE A FATHER.
WELL THEN WHAT
ARE YOU GOING
TO TELL HIM,
SOME DAY WHEN
HE'S OLD ENOUGH,
WHY YOU DIDN'T
WANT HIM?
I'LL TELL HIM
THE TRUTH.
THESE TWO DYKES
I KNEW WANTED A
KID REALLY BAD,
SO I JERKED
OFF INTO A CUP.
THAT'S NOT ALL
THERE IS TO IT.
A BOY NEEDS
A FATHER.
BELIEVE ME,
I KNOW.
YEAH, WELL,
YOU HAVEN'T HAD
A FATHER FOR
ALMOST TWO WEEKS!
EVEN IF HE
GETS ANGRY,
EVEN IF HE ISN'T
ALWAYS THERE,
IT'S BETTER
THAN NOT HAVING
ONE AT ALL.
YEAH, DON'T
BE SO SURE.
YOUR FATHER MUST
HAVE LOVED YOU.
HE PROBABLY JUST...
HE DIDN'T KNOW
HOW TO SHOW IT.
[ Laughing ]
YEAH, HE KNEW
HOW TO SHOW
IT ALL RIGHT.
ESPECIALLY
AFTER HE'D
HAD A FEW.
AT LEAST HE
DIDN'T GIVE
YOU AWAY.
"GARRULOUS".
LOQUACIOUS,
CHATTY.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
OUT.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GOING TO HELP ME.
IF YOU WANT
HELP, CALL
YOUR FATHER.
Steve:
WHEW, WHEN
DAVID MAKES
A MEAL,
YOU DON'T EAT
FOR A WEEK.
Laura:
BEFORE OR AFTER.
I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU COULD COOK.
MM, YOU DO HAVE
A LOT TO LEARN.
GIVE HIM TIME AND
HE'LL DISCOVER ALL
MY LITTLE SECRETS.
LIKE UNDERWEAR.
LIKE...
YOU HAVE AN
UNDERWEAR FETISH?
ON OUR
LAST TRIP
TOGETHER,
HE BROUGHT AN
ENTIRE SUITCASE
OF JOCKEY SHORTS
AND SOCKS.
DID YOU ALL GO
SOMEWHERE TOGETHER?
Man:
MM, TUSCANY,
LAST FALL.
WE RENTED
A HOUSE...
IT WAS FABULOUS.
Laura:
AND THE FOOD.
OH, SHE'S STILL
TALKING ABOUT
THE FOOD.
TRY GETTING SIX
POUNDS OF PROSCIUTTO
THROUGH CUSTOMS.
Laura:
HE EXAGGERATES.
IT WAS FOUR.
IT WAS SIX.
FOUR.
SIX.
HAVE YOU EVER
BEEN TO ITALY?
UH, NO, BUT MY UNCLE VIC
SPENT A LOT OF TIME THERE.
OH, WAS HE
ON BUSINESS?
NO, AIDS. HE WENT
THERE TO DIE.
OH.
I'M SORRY.
WELL, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
HE WAS REALLY
SICK, SO HE...
HE DECIDED TO TAKE
THIS DREAM TRIP TO ROME.
AND THEN THE PROTEASE
INHIBITORS KICKED IN AND...
NOW HE'S AT HOME
AND HE'S FINE,
EXCEPT FOR SOME
OCCASIONAL DIARRHEA.
I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO TAKE
MICHAEL AWAY FOR A WHILE.
BUT, YOU KNOW... WELL, HE
WORKS SO HARD, AND, UH...
SO WHAT IS IT THAT
YOU DO, MICHAEL?
UM,
I'M IN RETAIL.
REALLY? WHERE?
UM, THE BIG Q.
JUST GOT A PROMOTION.
HE'S A MANAGER.
THE BIG Q?
EDDIE, ISN'T THAT
WHAT PEOPLE CALL YOU?
All:
[ Laughing ]
Steve:
I'VE SEEN
THOSE STORES,
BUT I'VE...
I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY
BEEN IN ONE.
THEY SELL EVERYTHING
YOU CAN IMAGINE.
BUT NOTHING YOU'D
WANT TO BUY.
UH, HAVEN'T I
SEEN YOU THERE?
EXCUSE ME?
I KNOW I KNOW YOU
FROM SOMEWHERE.
DO YOU SHOP
AT THE BIG Q?
HARDLY.
Laura:
WELL, THE NEXT
TIME WE GO
SOMEPLACE,
YOU MUST COME
WITH US.
MM-HMM.
Eddie:
HOW ABOUT
MYKONOS
FOR JULY?
UH, I ONLY GET
A WEEK OFF.
Laura:
OH, YOU
POOR THING.
THAT IS WHY I
LOVE ACADEMIA.
WE PROFESSORS GET
THE WHOLE SUMMER.
MMM...
I SHOULD CHECK
THE SEAFOOD PAELLA.
IS EVERYBODY OKAY
WITH SHELLFISH?
MM-HMM.
YES.
FINE. GREAT.
David:
OKAY.
THAT'S WHERE I
KNOW YOU FROM,
FROM THE WHITE PARTY!
YOU GAVE ME CRABS!
ANYONE LIKE
SOME MORE WINE?
READY OR NOT?
[ Giggling ]
YOU'RE IN A GOOD MOOD.
HMM. THE BEST.
I AM FINALLY GOING TO
BE AN OFFICIALLY SIGNED,
SEALED AND
DELIVERED MOM.
ACTUALLY, I'M THE
ONE WHO DELIVERED.
HEY, TWO OUT OF
THREE AIN'T BAD.
AND WE OWE
IT ALL TO...
OH, JESUS, I
CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
BRIAN.
MMM.
I ALWAYS KNEW
HE'D COME THROUGH.
I WAS SURE HE'D
TELL US TO GO
f**k OURSELVES.
WELL, I'M SURE
IT WASN'T EASY,
I MEAN, GIVING
UP HIS RIGHTS.
HE DIDN'T EVEN
SEEM TO CARE.
OH, I'M SURE
HE CARED.
HE LOVES HIS SON.
MORE THAN HE
EVER THOUGHT.
ALL THAT MATTERS,
IS THAT GUS IS
FINALLY OURS.
BOTH OF OURS.
[ Moans of pleasure ]
[ ?????? ]
GOD, I'VE MISSED
TOUCHING YOU.
[ Moans of pleasure ]
[ ?????? ]
Man:
YOUR BET,
TOMMY.
IF I WIN THIS
HAND, THE NEXT
ROUND'S ON ME.
OH, THE NEXT
ROUND'S ON TOMMY.
THAT MEANS WE'RE
GOING TO BE DRY
AGAIN TONIGHT.
All:
[ Laughing ]
CALL YOU,
RAISE YOU 10.
HOW'S IT GOING, POP?
BETTER DAYS...
AND FOR SURE
BETTER HANDS.
SAY HELLO TO THE GUYS.
HELLO, GUYS.
I'M OUT. I WAS
BLUFFING ANYWAY.
AS IF YOU WERE
FOOLING ANYBODY!
WHAT'LL YOU
HAVE, SONNY BOY?
BEER'S GOOD.
HOLD YOUR FIRE.
A COUPLE OF YOUR
BEST SCOTCHES, MIKE.
[ Ringing of telephone ]
Mike:
UNION HALL.
SO HOW'S THAT FANCY
JOB OF YOURS?
MY FANCY JOB'S JUST FINE.
I CAN'T
COMPLAIN.
LEAVE THE COMPLAINING
TO "THE WARDEN".
IF IT WAS UP TO HER,
I'D NEVER HAVE ANY FUN!
LISTEN, UM...
I'M, UH, A LITTLE
SHORT, YOU KNOW,
END OF THE MONTH.
I WAS JUST...
YOU'RE A GOOD BOY.
I'M KEEPING
STRICT ACCOUNTS.
EVERY GODDAMN
PENNY.
I KNOW.
MR. EXECUTIVE
IS TREATING!
DON'T YOU WORK
TOO HARD, NOW.
THANKS FOR
THE ADVICE.
YOU'VE GOT TO
LEAVE SOME TIME
FOR THE LADIES!
OH, I ALWAYS LEAVE
TIME FOR THE LADIES.
BUT DON'T LET
THEM TIE YOU
DOWN, YOU HEAR?
DON'T WORRY
ABOUT ME, POP.
'CAUSE THAT'S
WHAT THEY ALL
WANT TO DO,
NO MATTER WHAT
THE HELL THEY SAY.
I THINK I CAN
HANDLE IT.
YOU KNOW, YOU...
AND ME,
WE... WE'RE
A LOT ALIKE.
WE ARE?
WE WEREN'T MEANT
TO SETTLE DOWN.
SOMETIMES,
GODDAMMIT,
I LOOK IN THE
MIRROR AND I SAY,
"JACK KINNEY,
YOU DUMB SON
OF A b*tch,
YOU SHOULD NEVER
HAVE BEEN A
FAMILY MAN!"
THEN WHY DID
YOU? WHY'D YOU
MARRY MOM?
WHY'D YOU HAVE ME?
JESUS, YOU'RE
A SMART KID.
YOU MEAN YOU
NEVER FIGURED
IT OUT?
NOW COME ON, SONNY BOY.
SONNY BOY!
YOU JUST STAY.
COME ON, HAVE ANOTHER
DRINK WITH YOUR OLD MAN!
COME ON, HAVE
ANOTHER DRINK.
TWO MORE.
Emmett:
EVERYONE THINKS
I'VE GONE SCHIZO.
I'VE NEVER BEEN SO
HUMILIATED IN MY LIFE.
[ Beeping of computer ]
Pitts9X6:
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Emmett:
DELETING YOU.
LIKE I SHOULD HAVE
DONE TO BEGIN WITH.
WHO-OA.
DON'T I GET ONE
LAST CHANCE?
THINK OF ALL THE
HOT SEX YOU SCORED
PRETENDING TO BE ME.
COME INTO
MY WORLD.
YOU DON'T
HAVE A WORLD.
YOU HAVE A WEB.
SIGN ON.
ALL RIGHT.
BUT THIS IS
YOUR LAST CHANCE.
[ Warbling of modem ]
[ ?????? ]
SO, WHICH ONE
DO YOU WANT
TO TALK TO?
HIM, SURFER DUDE.
SO HOW'S
IT GOING?
WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
HE CAN'T HEAR
YOU. YOU DON'T
EXIST HERE,
REMEMBER?
YOU'VE GOT TO
TALK THROUGH ME.
ALL RIGHT.
WOW! GIVE A
SCREEN NAME A
LITTLE POWER,
HE BECOMES A
CONTROL FREAK.
ASK HIM WHAT
HE'S GOT ON.
WHAT ARE YOU
WEARING, MAN?
JUST A JOCK-STRAP.
WOW.
IF LIFE WERE
LIKE THE INTERNET,
HALF OF PITTSBURGH
WOULD BE NAKED.
ASK HIM WHAT
HE'S INTO.
WHAT ARE
YOU INTO?
JACKING-OFF, SUCKING.
JUST FOR STARTERS.
I COULD GET
INTO THAT.
T-TELL HIM, UH...
I KNOW WHAT
TO SAY.
IT'S WHAT YOU
ALWAYS SAY.
I'LL THROW YOU
DOWN ON THE BED
AND RIP THAT
JOCK-STRAP OFF
WITH MY TEETH.
YOU'RE MAKING ME SO HARD.
THEN I'D FLIP
YOU OVER AND I'D
SLAP THAT TIGHT,
ROUND BUBBLE BUTT
UNTIL YOU BEG ME
TO f**k... YOU.
YEAH, MAN.
YOU'RE MAKING ME SO GORNY.
SO... SO GORNY?
W-WHAT DOES
THAT MEAN?
I DON'T...
SORRY, TYPO. I'M...
I'M SO HORNY.
HEY, PITTS,
IT'S ME.
WHERE HAVE
YOU BEEN?
OH MY GOD, IT'S
"USEMYHOLE27".
YEAH, I'LL TELL
HIM TO f**k OFF.
WE'RE BUSY.
I STILL WANT TO BE
YOUR BOTTOM BOY.
E-MAIL YOUR
ADDRESS.
I'LL COME OVER.
WHAT?
COOL.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT
YOU JUST DID?
YEAH.
I GOT YOU A DATE.
THANKS, DAVE.
OKAY.
GREAT DINNER, AS ALWAYS.
I'LL CALL
YOU THIS WEEK,
SWEETIE.
ADORABLE?
GOOD NIGHT,
DAVID. THANK YOU.
GOOD NIGHT.
OKAY.
HEY! DON'T
CLEAN UP.
IT'S THE LEAST I CAN DO,
AFTER THE MESS I MADE.
HOW WAS I SUPPOSED
TO KNOW THAT JAVIER
NEVER TOLD ED
HE WENT TO THE
WHITE PARTY?
WELL HE
KNOWS NOW.
[ Laughing ]
OH, GOD. THERE
GOES MY TRIP
TO MYKONOS.
I'M SUCH A JERK.
OH, YOU'RE
NOT A JERK.
I AM A JERK!
I'VE NEVER
BEEN ANYWHERE,
I'VE NEVER DONE
ANYTHING...
SO WHAT?
I BARELY MADE
IT THROUGH
ONE SEMESTER
OF COMMUNITY COLLEGE.
SO WHAT?
LIKE, I DON'T
EVEN KNOW
WHICH f**king
FORK TO USE!
MICHAEL, IT
DOESN'T MATTER!
IT MATTERS TO ME.
COME ON.
I-I CAN'T,
I GOT TO GO.
WHAT?
I FORGOT MY
CLOTHES FOR
WORK.
MICHAEL!
MI...
[ Closing of door ]
[ Sighing ]
HE'S GOING TO
OPEN THAT DOOR,
TAKE ONE LOOK
AT ME, AND LAUGH,
RIGHT IN MY FACE.
HE LIKED
YOU ON-LINE.
YEAH.
THAT'S BECAUSE HE
THOUGHT I WAS YOU.
I'M THE CYRANO
OF CYBERSPACE.
WHO?
NEVER MIND.
[ Heavy sigh ]
[ Rapping on door ]
USEMYHOLE27?
HUH!
PITTS9X6.
HUH.
I GUESS I'M NOT
WHAT YOU EXPECTED.
WELL, I WAS GONNA
SAY THE SAME THING.
I MEAN, I-I-I GUESS
YOU CAN TELL, I'M
NOT A BIG, BEEFY TOP.
Usemyhole27:
DO I LOOK LIKE
A HUNGRY, SUB-
MISSIVE BOTTOM?
WELL, YOU SURE
HAD ME FOOLED.
I MEAN, THE WAY
YOU BEGGED TO
BE DOMINATED.
[ Chuckle ]
AND THE WAY
YOU MADE ME BEG.
YOU'RE THE
MOST RUTHLESS
PIG MASTER
I'VE EVER
TALKED TO.
THEN WHAT THE f**k
ARE YOU DOING STANDING
IN FRONT OF ME, HUH?
DROP TO
YOUR KNEES,
p*s*y BOY.
YES, SIR.
[ Knocking on door ]
Michael:
EMMETT, YOU CAN'T
KEEP LOSING YOUR KEY.
Brian:
HEY, SONNY BOY.
OH s**t, YOU
WENT TO SEE
YOUR DAD.
HEY, STAY HERE
AND HAVE A DRINK
WITH YOUR OLD MAN.
ALL RIGHT. COME
ON. COME ON.
OH, WE... WE
LOST THE GAME.
[ Sniffle ]
UH-HUH.
LIFT UP
YOUR ARMS.
THERE WE ARE.
WE HAD A 13 POINT LEAD
IN THE LAST 10 MINUTES.
THAT-A-BOY.
AND THE BOYS DOWN
AT ELECTRICAL,
THEY MIGHT STRIKE.
YOU DON'T SAY.
NOW YOUR PANTS.
THERE YOU GO.
TONY CATTERA'S
THINKING ABOUT
RETIRING NEXT SPRING,
AND IF HE GOES,
WELL YOU KNOW...
WELL, GOOD FOR TONY.
[ Heavy sigh ]
NOW GET IN.
YOU SHOULD'VE
HEARD HIM.
"HOW'S MY
SUCCESSFUL SON?
"I'M A LITTLE
SHORT OF CASH."
"NEVER SHOULD
HAVE BEEN A
FAMILY MAN."
THAT'S ANCIENT HISTORY.
NOW GO TO SLEEP.
HE NEVER CHANGES.
NOT HIS bulls**t.
NOT HIS LIFE.
WHEN ARE YOU EVER
GOING TO LEARN?
THAT'S ALL HE IS.
THAT'S ALL
HE CAN BE.
[ Sobbing ]
?? IF YOU WANT MY BODY
AND YOU THINK I'M SEXY ??
?? COME ON, SUGAR,
LET ME KNOW ??
?? IF YOU REALLY NEED ME
JUST REACH OUT AND TOUCH ME ??
?? COME ON NOW
AND TELL ME SO ??
[ ?????? ]
D.J.:
ALL YOU THERE, LET
ME HEAR YOU SING IT.
EVERYBODY IN THE PLACE,
PUT THOSE HANDS IN THE AIR.
WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOU?
HONEY, YOU
NAME IT.
HOW ABOUT YOU?
AH, I'VE BEEN
STARING AT THE
SAME GUY FOR THE
LAST THREE HOURS.
HEY.
THERE YOU ARE.
Pitts9X6:
HOW'D IT GO?
THIS BOTTOM'S ON
TOP OF THE WORLD.
AND I OWE IT ALL
TO YOU, DUDE.
WHAT DID I HAVE TO
DO WITH IT, DUDE?
KID, DON'T WORRY.
I'M NEVER GONNA
DELETE YOU.
DELETE...? OKAY.
HAND OVER
THE DRUGS.
SHUT YOUR HOLE.
EXCUSE ME.
YOU HEARD ME,
p*s*y BOY.
I WANT YOU TO
GO DOWNSTAIRS,
AND TELL THAT GUY
THAT YOU'VE BEEN
STARING AT ALL NIGHT
TO GET DOWN
ON HIS KNEES
AND SERVICE
YOUR c**k.
WHAT?
MOVE IT.
MOVE IT.
YES, SIR.
[ ?????? ]
Melanie:
I HAD MY ASSISTANT
FLAG THE PLACES
FOR YOU TO SIGN.
I NEED A PEN.
[ Chuckle ]
GOT ONE.
Gus:
[ Crying ]
THERE'S NO
INK IN THERE.
I HAVE ONE.
HERE YOU GO.
Gus:
[ Crying ]
BRIAN?
OH-H...
WHAT IS IT?
SWEETIE?
HONEY, I
THOUGHT YOU
CHANGED HIM.
I DID. MAYBE THAT
NEW FORMULA DOESN'T
AGREE WITH HIM.
WELL, I GUESS
WE SHOULD GET
ON WITH IT.
I CHANGED MY MIND.
BRIAN, PLEASE
DON'T DO THIS.
I'M NOT
SIGNING IT.
W-WE HAD AN AGREEMENT.
THAT WAS BEFORE.
GUS DIDN'T EXIST THEN.
OH, GOD, I KNEW IT.
Lindsay:
BRIAN,
YOU KNOW HOW
IMPORTANT THIS
IS TO US,
AFTER WHAT HAPPENED
AT THE HOSPITAL.
WELL, I'M SORRY
FOR THAT. THAT
WAS WRONG.
BUT SO IS GIVING
UP MY KID.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT,
SONNY BOY?
COULD YOU
USE A BREAK?
I'M STILL WORKING
OFF THE PAELLA.
WHOO, I COULD USE
A FEW REPS MYSELF.
COME ON.
LOOK, I WANTED TO
TALK TO YOU...
MICHAEL,
I WANT...
NO, I GOTTA
TALK TO YOU...
I WANT TO...
YOU GO FIRST.
GO.
LOOK, I KNOW I
DISAPPOINTED YOU.
NO, I LET
YOU DOWN.
I'M AN IDIOT
AND I...
I'M A JERK. I
WAS INSENSITIVE.
I SHOULD HAVE BEEN
MORE SENSITIVE...
I DON'T REALLY FIT
IN WITH YOUR FRIENDS.
I... I DON'T KNOW
IF I EVER WILL.
WHEN TWO PEOPLE LIVE IN
TWO SEPARATE PLACES...
WE'RE FROM
TWO TOTALLY
DIFFERENT WORLDS.
THERE'S ONLY
ONE THING THAT
WE SHOULD DO.
I KNOW. I AGREE.
THERE'S NO
OTHER CHOICE.
SO THIS IS
IT. IT'S OVER.
OVER?
WHAT'S OVER?
I WANT YOU TO
MOVE IN WITH ME.
?? DOCTOR, DOCTOR,
GIVE ME THE NEWS ??
?? I GOT A BAD CASE
OF LOVING YOU ??
?? NO PILL'S GONNA
CURE MY ILLS ??
?? I GOT A BAD CASE
OF LOVING YOU ??
[ ???? ]
CLOSED CAPTIONED
BYCOMPREHENSIVE DISTRIBUTORS
?? I'M LEARNING FAST ??
?? BUT IT'S FROM THE START ??
?? YOU THINK I'M CUTE ??
?? A LITTLE BIT SHY ??
?? MAMA, I-I-I AIN'T
THAT KIND OF GUY ??
?? DOCTOR, DOCTOR
GIMME THE NEWS ??
?? I GOT A BAD CASE
OF LOVING YOU ??
?? NO PILL'S GONNA
CURE MY ILLS ??
?? I GOT A BAD CASE
OF LOVING YOU ??
[ ?????? ]
MOO!