Christian Movie

Word Search

Profanity report:

Family Guy - Season 2

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those

good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively

can do all the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

(TV) That concludes our special

half-hour salute to the past 1,000 years.

We leave you with a look back

at some of those we've lost this millennium.

Kevin asked me to Quagmire's

millennium party. I am so psyched.

There's nothing like someone else's party.

You never have to clean up the mess.

Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun, hey!

Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun, hey!

Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun, hey!

Well, looks like someone's

going to a big party tonight.

You should pick up a chicken-strip party

pack for all your friends. Here's a coupon.

Look, pal, I don't take coupons

from giant chickens. Not after last time.

Oh, yeah, and that nice chicken

outside gave me this coupon.

I'm sorry. This has expired.

You son of a...

- I'm gonna need these by Friday.

- Will that give us enough time to...?

Chicken... gave me a bad coupon.

- Some other time, pal.

- There won't be any other time.

The world is gonna end at midnight.

- Y2K.

- Are you sellin' chicken or sex jelly?

Haven't you heard? At midnight,

every computer in the world is gonna fail.

Planes will fall out of the sky and all

the world's nuclear weapons will explode,

- Annihilating the entire planet.

- No!

Silly rabbit. Trix are for kids.

Damned long ears, tryin' to take Easter

away from Jesus. What were you sayin'?

Hey, Peter, in case you didn't know,

a balloon tied to a mailbox is the

international symbol for "party over here!"

Forget the party. The world's gonna end.

Y2K. I heard it from a chicken-man.

Oh, Peter, you are

the height of just-too-muchery.

Laugh, but when you die,

you'll have to go to heaven.

And you know what? I bet you run into those

two dead bailiff ladies from Night Court.

And you won't know which one is which.

And it'll be really awkward. So bite me.

- Can you help me with these damned studs?

- Aren't you a little overdressed?

Oh, actually,

I'm just stopping off at Quagmire's.

There's a benefit gala

at the Boston Pops tonight, and...

well, I'm trying to nail the flautist.

Oh, Stewie, you're adorable.

Yes, yes, I rather like the sash.

But do the Huggies make my a** look big?

Peter, come on. You've had 1,000 years

to get ready for this party.

It always takes him so long to get dressed.

Peter, we're gonna be late for my cousin's

wedding. Aren't you dressed yet?

Oh, crap. Well, one of us

is gonna have to change.

(sighs) Unzip me.

- Where's your father?

- He's still down in the basement.

Peter, you've been down there all day.

I hope they're already...

Oh, my God!

The government is here. Run, ET, run!

The end of the world is comin'.

Get in your radiation suits.

We are not missing a once-in-a-lifetime event

because of some wacko doomsday theory.

OK, OK. You know that one Christmas

present you really wanted, but didn't get?

- A phone?

- A dead Lois?

Yeah, well, it's in the basement.

Come on, let's go see.

What the hell...? Peter,

if you wanna stay here, that's fine.

But we're goin' to the party. Kids!

- Honey, are you pregnant?

- No.

Oh, dear me. Yes, yes, this is how

I wanted to enter the new millennium.

Locked in a basement with imbeciles,

dressed like a gay Neil Armstrong.

Thanks a lot. Right now I could be in Boston,

pretending I give a rat's a** about Vivaldi.

- And I could be getting felt up by Kevin.

- Now don't you give it all away up front.

Make him work for it.

And shame on you, Peter.

Scarin' the kids with

your nuclear-holocaust nonsense.

You said "nuclear". It's "nukular",

dumb idiot. The S is silent.

It's almost midnight.

We now go live to Asian reporter

Tricia Takanawa. Tricia, what can you tell us?

Quahog's fabled alabaster clam is about

to descend and usher in a new millennium.

- Ten... nine... eight... seven...

- This is it.

- Six... five... four...

- Hold on tight.

...one... Happy New Year!

- A flautist, Peter.

- Well, I hope you're happy.

Come on, kids,

we can still make the party if we...

Nice work. Very festive.

Actually, each light represents

a missile launching by itself.

The pattern is just a coincidence.

Now that you mention it, the Y is

a bit misshapen. Still, it's pretty amazing.

What the hell. Come here, Hillary.

What'd I miss?

Holy crap! Anybody else feel that?

Good morning, family. Hey, Lois,

remember when I was the third Hardy Boy?

Peter, there was no third Hardy Boy.

Oh, really?

Just like there was no apocalypse?

He shoots, he scores!

OK, we were wrong about

the end of the world and you were right.

- Can we please just drop it?

- It's just not fair.

I finally get a date with Kevin,

and he gets vaporised.

He's just using that as an excuse.

Let's just be grateful we survived the

apocalypse healthy and mutation-free.

- I said I can do it.

- Hey, shut up!

- Oh, hey, Clevemire.

- That's Quagland.

Quagland? Oh, you must be dreamin'.

Not about kickin' your fat a**.

Boys, please. You used to be so close.

Sorry, Lois. We're both a little crabby on

account of the fact that neither one of us

has had any food

since we got fused together.

Well, we just finished off

what was left in the kitchen.

When I think back on all the food

we've wasted in this house.

Eat, Tom Selleck. Come on. Down the hatch.

Come on. Hey, hey! None for you, Higgins.

Tryin' to steal Tom Selleck's food.

No. No. You've had yours.

Thank goodness Peter bought a huge supply

of dehydrated meals before the blast.

Peter, whaddaya doin'?

You just ate a year's worth of food.

What a waste of money. I'm still hungry.

Everyone leave. I have to poop.

Now!

Well, so much for finding food

at the Stop 'N Shop.

It figures. The one time I remember

my value-club card.

Wait a minute, I smell barbecue.

So, whaddaya think, Diane?

Can I cook or what?

Delicious, Tom. I guess

we should be eating her with chopsticks.

Oh, my God. They're eating

Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa.

That's crazy. They're just

gonna be hungry again in an hour.

Come on, Woody.

We're gonna search for food.

- Sorry, Chris, the plant can't come.

- It's his best friend.

Lois, it'll just be another mouth to feed.

I'll take care of Woody, son.

- (gunshot)

- What was that?

- Nothing. Let's go.

- Go where?

If there's no food in Quahog,

why should there be food anywhere else?

Lois, everyone knows there are only two

things that can survive a nukular holocaust:

cockroaches and Twinkees.

And there's a Twinkee factory in Natick.

- Twinkees?

- Yeah, I saw a story about 'em on A&E.

And now, back to A&E's biography:

Twinkee the Kid.

It was difficult for Twink

to play with other children.

He was different. He was definitely...

He had no bones,

and he couldn't really play any sports.

- That's why we got him the lasso.

- Yeah.

He's spend hours in the back yard

playing Wonder Woman.

- He's gonna kill me.

- He loved that lasso.

He... Not as much as the baton.

But, uh... we put a stop to the baton.

He... he was different enough, you know.

We gotta get to that factory

and we'll have all the food we need.

Well, goodbye sweet home.

Maybe someday we'll return.

- Hey, Joe, can you keep an eye on the place?

- I might as well. I'm melted to the ground.

There you go.

These oughta keep the rats away.

Thanks. Stay in school.

(roars)

Bring it on!

Look, Peter, people.

- Halt.

- Uh-oh.

I am Jorad. I and my band

of highway warriors control this territory.

- Do you have food?

- No, that's why we're on the road.

Then you may not pass

until you answer the following question:

Name something you'd take on a picnic.

- A blanket.

- Potato salad.

- A dead Lois?

- OK, we're gonna go with potato salad.

Show me potato salad.

Maybe we should go now.

- Aw, jeez. Outta gas!

- Hey, Dad, look.

Well, howdy, strangers.

You look plumb tuckered.

- Like to sit a spell?

- Actually, we are tired.

- And hungry.

- Well, we got plenty o' room here.

- And all the fresh apples you can eat.

- Oh, Peter, we found a new home.

- We're goin' to Natick.

- For what?

A Twinkee factory

that might not even exist any more?

She's right. Besides, this place is paradise.

- Sure is, except for Randy Newman.

- Randy Newman?

Yep. Just sits there all night and day,

singin' about what he sees.

Fat man with his kids and dog

Drove in through the morning fog

Hey, there, Rover

Come on over

Well, it's nice to have music while we eat.

Red-headed lady

Reachin' for an apple

Gonna take a bite

Uh, no, no

She's gonna breathe on it first

Wipes it on her blouse

She takes a bite

Chews it once

Twice, three times

Four times

Stops

Saliva working

Takes a long, hard look at Randy

Five times

Fat, old husband walking over

Let's get the hell outta here.

They're walking down the road

Left foot, right foot

Left foot, right foot

Left...

Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot

Please, Chris, Mommy's got

a very big headache. Stop it!

Thank you, sweetie.

Now, Peter, we've gotta find some food.

Oh, my God. Look!

- It's Natick.

- (cheering)

There's no factory?

Oh, very good, fat man.

We've followed the pied piper to the gates

of oblivion and look what it's brought us.

We're finished. We're done.

Game over, man. Game over.

- Dammit!

- Get outta that nuclear waste.

Who knows what animals have been in there?

(cheering)

It's about damn time.

Oh, words...

Should've sent a poet.

- There's enough food to last us for ever.

- We're saved. You were right.

We can settle down here and

build a house just like we had in Quahog.

Yeah, and we can build a mall

so I have a place to hang out.

And two Denny's, so we can say "Let's not

go to that one. Let's go to the good one."

We can dig Joe out of the driveway

and we can build a community

just like the one we had.

No, we'll build a better one.

I hereby proclaim this city New Quahog.

Well, this isn't very good, now, is it?

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

- Guess who?

- Stop it, Chris.

Wrong!

Oh, wait. Did you say "Chris"?

Stewie, time for breakfast!

Did you wash your tentacles?

My big, handsome boy.

What the devil are you talking about?

I'm repugnant.

I'm a radio-bloody-active freak.

Yeah, I fold. Hey, come on.

Let's go home and get tender with your wife.

I don't know, Quagmire. Lovemaking

with Loretta has somehow lost its intimacy.

All right.

Excuse me, Mr Mayor. We have an outsider

who wishes to join our community.

Welcome to my fair city.

If you wanna become a citizen,

you have to get a job.

- Before the disaster, I was a physician.

- That's terrific. We need a doctor.

We sure do. Let's hope you get it.

Now, pick a job out of the hat.

Ah, village idiot. That's a good one.

On Tuesdays you get to

wave your penis at traffic.

Congratulations.

Maybe we shoulda just let him be a doctor.

No. These are the rules of New Quahog.

That's how everyone else got their jobs.

Go!

You see, Doc, my back tooth is killin' me.

And things have worked out fine so far.

Peter, no offence, but that's

because we all pitched in.

- We've built schools and hospitals.

- Not to mention the theatre.

But when I saw the movie,

it looked like Audrey Hepburn

not only didn't have breakfast at Tiffany's,

she hadn't eaten anything in a year.

I'm such a b*tch.

We have everything we need.

And no crime, no guns, no pollution.

Brian's right.

We've left ourselves defenceless.

- Guys, we need to make some guns.

- Guns? Guns only lead to trouble.

And when that trouble happens,

we'll blow its freaking head off.

Without guns, how would our forefathers

have settled their differences?

Eight, nine, ten.

And turn.

Honey, Mommy's making you

some new feetie pyjamas.

And look, it has a little trap door

for when you gotta make inky.

I'll show you inky.

- Let's see if they fit, hm?

- Never! Eugh.

Ha, ha, ha, look at me! I'm Fred Astaire.

- Aaah!

- Gotcha.

Oh, you are gettin' heavy.

I'll have your father flood the basement,

so you can get more exercise.

Yes, yes. I do seem

to have gained a bit of girth.

Actually, my gullet seems to be rumbling.

There we are. Oh, I say. I've laid an egg.

That wasn't so bad. I don't know what

these women are always complaining about.

Attention, New Quahogians.

Today, my vision for our future comes true.

A chicken in every pot and a cap in every a**.

Put that away. Where did you get

the metal for all those guns?

Recycling. I used the pipes

from our irrigation system.

Are you crazy?

You destroyed all our water pipes?

We don't need guns. We need food and water.

I have a canker sore on my lip,

and I keep pokin' at it with my tongue,

- But that's only makin' it worse.

- There's a reason I'm in charge here.

I'm the one who knew the world was

gonna end and found the Twinkee factory.

- And I gave elocution lessons to Rosie Perez.

- That's nothing to be proud of.

Don't be stupid.

She speak good and everything.

- Let's get him outta here!

- Throw him out!

Wait! We can work this out!

I haven't been thrown outta any place

since I was a counsellor at the bulimia clinic.

Aw, man. Did anybody else throw up

after eatin' that fish last night?

- That's the last of 'em.

- Good riddance.

What the hell would we ever need guns for?

(Stewies) Victory is ours!

Quick, grab the guns! They're our only hope.

You remember the other day you were

asking me what the definition of irony was?

And I said...

Honey, I'm sorry I got us

kicked outta New Quahog.

I guess nobody really needs guns.

I'm not always right after all.

Oh, Peter, hearing you say that almost

makes it worth havin' the world blown up.

Where are we gonna go?

I hear there's a Carvel factory in Framingham.

All right! Fudgie the Whale, and Cookie Puss,

and Cookie O'Puss,

and Nutty the Chocolate Ghost.

Come on, everybody. Let's sing a song.

Oh. Uh... Left foot, right foot.

Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot.

- Bobby.

- Good morning.

Oh, Bobby, I just had the weirdest dream.

I dreamt I saw

the strangest episode of Family Guy,

and there was a giant chicken

and Stewie was an octopus.

Hey, hey, hey. Come on, now.

It's all right. Everything's going to be OK.

What's Family Guy?

Visiontext Subtitles:

Marisa Castle de Joncaire

ENGLISH SDH

Hello, neighbour.

I'm glad we're together again.

Oh! I think I hear our friend, Trolley.

- Actually, it's your mortal enemy, Stewie.

- What the...?

Don't visit the neighbourhood

of make-believe today.

- I dare say you'll find it quite in ruins.

- What?

Meow, meow, meow, meow!

Meow, meow, meow, meow!

- Oh, my God!

- That's right, all dead.

And now, Mr Rogers - Fred.

May as well drop the bloody formalities.

- I'm going to kill you anyway.

- No, please... don't!

How ironic! "Rogers".

It almost rhymes with "eliminate".

No!

- Wha... wha...?! What the devil?

- It's OK, Stewie.

You were just talking in your sleep.

But now it's time for you to meet Mr Death.

Argh!

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those

good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively

can do all the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

Meow!

Help! Jane!

Stop this crazy thing!

Stop! Help!

- Oh, my God! George!

- Did you not hear me out there?

- Are you...?

- Go to your room.

- But what happened?

- Go to your room!

For 45 minutes I was out there screaming.

I know that cos my damn watch is broken!

- I'm... I'm sorry.

- Ooh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

Jane is sorry! I could have been killed!

So, what are you wearing?

Wow. I bet you can see right through that.

- Chris, who are you talking to?

- Grandma.

- Oh, no!

- What is it?

It looks like Stewie

had an accident on the carpet.

Oh, Lois. Again?

That baby just does not

wanna keep his diaper on.

Here you are! What the hell is this?

Sweetie, that's tuna salad.

Oh, is that what it is? Really? I could have

sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food.

Here's 50 cents. Do me a favour, sweetheart.

Next time you're shopping, why not

splurge on a tin of solid white albacore?

Stewie, are you upset because

you went wee-wee on the carpet?

- What did you just say?

- Hey, Lois... Did you pee in here?

In a moment. What did you just say?

Peter, we have a serious problem

we need to discuss.

Oh, jeez. This isn't another

one of those interventions, is it?

Peter, you've been wearing that giant

foam cowboy hat for eight months now.

Please, for your family, take it off.

Hey, I can take this hat off any time I want.

I just don't want to.

Get away!

No, it's Stewie. He peed on the carpet.

- Do I... do I hit him?

- No!

- Bend down, Mother.

- Yes, honey?

How dare you sully my good name

by spreading slanderous filth!

Stewie, no hitting. Use your words.

He's probably just ashamed, Lois.

You're a helpless little

carpet tinkler, aren't you?

Well! The outrages I have suffered today

will not be soon forgotten.

I will not be forgetting... those outrages.

No, no! No, they won't be forgotten.

- Not the...

- Outrages, yeah. I think we got it.

Oh!

Maybe it's time for Stewie

to start potty training.

Isn't he too young? You know

what happened to the Lindbergh baby.

- Charles, he's only six months old.

- Honey, would you relax?

God, I flew across the Atlantic by myself.

I'm a national treasure, for God's sake.

I think I know how to...

Oh, God! Oh, God!

All right... He was kidnapped.

You call the police, I'll write the ransom note.

What about Amelia? She saw everything.

You leave her to me.

Come on, honey. He's been having accidents.

Maybe he's trying to tell us he's ready.

This could be a nice way

for you and Stewie to bond.

Bond?

James Bond.

All right, Lois. I'll do it.

(snores)

Oh, God. Not again, Brian.

Why can't you stop peeing on the carpet?

Dammit! It's not coming out.

- (Lois) Brian, is that you?

- Uh, yeah, it's me.

- Is everything OK?

- Yeah, I just... I couldn't sleep.

- I'll be up in a minute.

- OK.

(sighs)

Join us tomorrow for more "Price is Right".

Remember, to help control the pet population,

have your pets spayed or neutered.

Oh, just die already.

Ew! Mom, Stewie peed on the rug again.

- No!

- Oh, this has gotta stop.

Oh, God! It smells gross!

Princess, I don't see anyone

dabbing yours behind their ears.

It looks like someone

already tried to clean it up.

- No, it doesn't.

- Mine smells like soda.

- I'm looking for toilet-training books.

- Yes, we can help you there.

Everybody Poops is still

the standard, of course.

We've also got the less popular

Nobody Poops But You.

- Huh. See, we're Catholic, so...

- Then you want You're a Naughty Child

and That's Concentrated Evil

Coming Out the Back of You.

Perfect!

- Brian, what are you doing?

- Hi, Lois. I was just washing some things.

Those look like our sheets and our quilt.

They are. I'm washing them

with some fabric softener.

They were so itchy I couldn't sleep,

which is why I was downstairs

when you asked me if I was OK

and I said I couldn't sleep.

You know, cos it was so itchy.

Come on, Stewie. Don't you wanna

pee in the toilet bowl like a big boy?

I remember when I learned

to use a potty all by myself.

I was so proud.

Hey, Lois. I did it!

Well, perhaps I could give it

the old college try.

Why don't you put your hands right there?

- It'll help me relax.

- OK, buddy.

Aagh!

Maybe you don't have to pee. I oughta just

give you some beer. Goes right through you.

Wonderful. And while we're at it,

we can light up a doobie and watch porn.

Yeah?

Listen, you, I'll use these facilities

when I'm damn well ready.

Until then, you shall continue

to sanitise my crevasse

and be damn grateful

for the opportunity-starting right...

(grunts)

Well, not now. But soon!

Oh, and I want these and these and these.

- Only one.

- But... but that man over there got two.

Peter, I don't care what the other men

are getting. You're only getting one.

- I hate you!

- (trickling)

- Hey, what's that sound?

- You're urinating!

So, it's been you all along!

Oh, this is too perfect!

I've been taking the blame for Rex.

- Ew! It's everywhere!

- It's OK. Meg, hand me my sweater.

Brian, where d'you think you are, Payless?

I say, I say! Paco, grab a mop. Will

somebody get Patches the hell out of here

before he bends a French biscuit

on the conveyor belt?

Sh. It's OK.

We'll meet you in the parking lot.

Oh, God, Lois. I need help.

Look, I... I really don't even know why

I'm here. The urologist said I was fine.

Sometimes these things

can be psychological.

Doubt that. I've got a very comfortable life.

I live with a great family, my needs are met.

OK, look, so maybe this isn't where

I thought I was gonna be at seven years old.

It's just that... I...

Is it OK if I smoke in here?

Thanks.

It's just that things don't always

work out the way we plan.

You know, I've never been to Europe.

Now look at me. Middle-aged,

alone and peeing in supermarkets.

Man, didn't see that coming.

I had this dream last night.

Did you ever see Logan's Run?

(woman) Last day. Capricorn 2537.

Our next dedication

goes out to Tony from Kim.

("All Out of Love")

We've got a runner in sector G.

Oh. What about him?

He's gotta be in his fifties.

- So what do you think?

- I think you're very sensitive

and you put up a tough front.

I think you're in pain.

- Damn it, Brian. Do not cry.

- I'd like to pet you, Brian.

Would that be OK?

You're a good dog, Brian. A very good...

Keep it above the waist, Doc.

And now Part 2 of

our very own Asian correspondent

Tricia Takanawa's special report on sex.

Tom, I'm standing in the bedroom

of Judy and Glen Isaacs.

Ten years married and still in love.

What's their secret?

Judy has an inoperable

brain tumour the size of my fist,

and that just happens to be Glen's fetish.

- Brian, how'd it go?

- Well, I think I have a bit of "me" work to do.

- But I'm feeling things, and that's a start.

- Oh, that's wonderful.

Like most other people, I used to think

therapy was only for crazies and nut jobs.

Isn't that silly?

Hey, Lois, I...

Hey, Brian. How you doin'?

They let you out already?

I was in a therapy session,

not a lunatic asylum.

Hey, calm down. Lots of crazy people have

gone on to lead normal, successful lives.

What did your therapist say?

Dr Kaplan thinks the, uh... accidents

are linked to some kind of midlife crisis.

He suggested I go out into the world and

pursue my dreams. I'm leaving tomorrow.

Whoa, hang on. I gave you

one of the ones with silverware in it.

Take this one instead.

That one's probably fine.

Beautiful.

Aagh!

- Oh, my God! Are you Stephen King?

- No, I'm Dean Koontz.

Oh.

But, you know,

thanks to these sessions, I think I'm OK.

Being out in the world,

feeling my power-and no accidents.

- I've been dry for two weeks now.

- Mazel tov.

Well, goodbye, Dr Kaplan. And thank you.

I know Stacey isn't your mother,

but upside-down face or not,

you have to respect her!

Hey, you're Tom Tucker.

Hey!

Oh, God, I'm s... That was rude. I apologise.

Wow.

I'm a little teapot, short and stout

Here is my handle, here is my spout

When I get all steamed up, hear me shout

Lois, it looks as if Puddles has done it again!

Goodness! He's wet everything.

Ha! Ha! Ha!

I swear, I don't even remember doing it.

I don't understand this.

Now, Brian, we know

you're not doing this on purpose,

but maybe we should consider... crating.

- Oh, God.

- Or you could be an outside dog.

Huh? Would you like that?

Huh? Outside?

Oh, oh, and how embarrassed was I

when the word "crate" came up!

I thought I was past this.

I travelled the world, for God's sake.

- You know how much I spent?

- Obviously we haven't hit the real issue yet.

Drop it. Tell me, Brian,

the last accident you remember,

did anything unusual happen to trigger it?

Oh, no, it was a normal day.

- Oh, Catwoman?

- Peter, no Catwoman today. I'm tired.

What's the matter? Is the mighty Catwoman

afraid of a little Catwoman melting spray?

Peter, no. Peter...

(giggles) All right! OK!

Enough, Batman. I don't...

Not so mighty now, are you, Catwoman?

- Peter!

- Take that! Take that!

I spit water at you!

Peter! Peter! Batman, I can't breathe.

Peter!

Oh, I'm using my special cat power

to get Batman all wet.

Meow!

Meow!

You know, just the usual stuff.

- All that running water. That's gotta be it!

- Mm-hm.

- Brian, tell me about Lois.

- Lois. Well, she's a fantastic woman.

She's compassionate

and charming, attractive.

Well, stunning really.

I guess you could say I really...

- Love her?

- No, of course not.

Me and Lois? That's sick.

- Come on, she's my best friend's wife.

- Mm-hm.

Look, I love Lois, but I'm not in love with her.

Mm-hm. Who are you trying

to convince, Brian, me or you?

Oh, Brian, Brian. What a mess.

Don't get antsy. I got three minutes left.

So what the hell, Brian? You cured yet?

I don't wanna have to live with plastic

on the furniture like some Italian family.

- My therapist's figured out my problem.

- What does Sigmund Fraud think it is?

He, uh... thinks I'm in love.

Oh, my God!

You can talk!

- Never mind.

- Does this girl love you back?

- I... I can't imagine.

- You gotta find out for sure.

You don't wanna spend your life

wondering what could have been.

- Sir, I need a decision.

- Uh, uh...

Uh, salad.

No, wait! Soup! Soup!

But it was too late.

And to this day I still lay awake at night

wondering about the soup that got away.

Thanks, Peter.

I'm gonna go find out how she feels.

- I've taken you for granted.

- Get a room!

- Hey, you, the news is on.

- Where is everybody?

Stewie's taking a nap

and Peter and the kids are out.

- Come sit with me.

- Oh, OK.

Huh, huh.

Ohhhhh!

And now Part 3 of Asian correspondent

Tricia Takanawa's special report on sex.

Thank you, Diane.

Sex-some people have it anonymously.

"What kind of person would do that?"

you might ask.

Well, I'm about to find out.

I just picked up

a complete stranger in a hotel bar

and he's in the bathroom right now,

possibly doing drugs.

Watch as I have sex with

this potentially dangerous man,

as we take you in-depth and undercover.

I've never had a Spanish chick before. Ol!

It is so refreshing to see something

other than violence on the news.

- Your tail keeps hitting me.

- If it's bothering you, I can stop.

That's OK. The breeze feels good.

It's so warm in here.

Ooh.

That's better.

I'd take my sweater off,

but I'm afraid it's attached to my skin.

(chuckles)

Mm.

Smooth.

Well, I'd better go start dinner.

Oh!

Well, well, well!

How long have you been there?

I came about the time you started

pummelling her with your tail.

- You shut up.

- You love her.

Ha! Oh, oh, this is so good,

it just has to be fattening.

- I said shut up!

- Oh, by the way, nice rap.

"I'd take my sweater off, but I'm afraid it's

attached to my skin." Ha! Ha! Ha! Imbecile.

Britney and Amber were,

like, "Let's go to the mall."

I was, like, "I'll go to the mall."

Then Amber wasn't gonna go.

So I went to the mall, and you're not

gonna believe it-they both showed up!

Hold on. Meg, Meg, I'm sorry.

That is a really boring story.

I haven't been this bored

since that stupid drive-in movie.

This sucks!

Lois, this pasta-better than Italy.

It's just my noodle caboodle.

But I did use a different brand

of potato chips for the crust.

Your culinary prowess is surpassed

only by your unfailing grace

and the uncommon, sometimes haunting,

glow of sensuality that surrounds you.

- It's just noodle caboodle.

- Hey, what are these hard things?

M&M's. I ran out of paprika.

- (kissing sound) Magnificent.

- Up, up. Stewie wants to go uppie.

You want me to pick you up, sweetie?

Mama's skin's so soft.

My goodness, you're affectionate tonight!

Well, let me give my big boy a kiss.

Another! Another! Yes!

Mama has candy kisses!

All right, that's enough!

I mean, would you all excuse me, please?

Stewie, did... did you unhook Mommy's bra?

- Uh, hi.

- Well, hello, Brian.

- I... I think we should talk.

- Sure.

Lois... did your heart

ever want to ask something

but your head was too afraid

of what the answer might be?

Oh. Oh, God.

Sometimes it's best

not to ask those questions.

Sometimes we should cherish

what we already have,

like a very special friendship,

let's say like the one you and I share,

that someone like me wouldn't change

for anything in the world.

Someone like me wouldn't change it

for anything in the world either.

I'm glad.

To be clear-we were talking about me being

in love with you and you rejecting me, right?

- Yes.

- I was just making sure.

Say we were drunk

and knew we wouldn't remember?

I'd have to be really, really... No!

I tell you, Peter,

I wish I'd taken this up years ago.

My great-great-great uncle Angus Griffin

invented the game.

So we're all clear on the rules, then?

No Jews and no blacks.

Aye.

- You're like the Arnold Palmer of golf.

- Yeah, life is good.

I'm seven years old, and if I play my cards

right, I've got seven years ahead of me.

- Whatever happened with your lady friend?

- We decided to stay good friends.

There are a lot of different kinds of love,

and ours was perfect the way it was.

So she dumped you, huh? To hell with her.

She'll probably end up with some idiot.

Serves her right!

Damn.

Damn.

Damn.

Damn.

Mulligan.

Damn.

Visiontext Subtitles: Sally Lewis

ENGLISH SDH

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those

good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively

can do all the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

Boy, that lotion sure feels good.

- Sure is hot.

- And it just got hotter.

Here. Now let me do you.

(man) Pawtucket Patriot beer. If you buy it,

hot women will have sex in your back yard.

Typical male fantasy! Women drinking beer!

I guarantee you a man made that commercial.

Of course a man made it. It's a commercial,

Lois, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.

Dad, we won a boat! We won a boat! Ha-ha!

Holy crap! We did!

We won a free freakin' boat!

Dad, nobody gives things away for free.

I know plenty of people

who give things away.

I'll take it.

Hello, China? I have something

you may want, but it's gonna cost you.

That's right. All the tea.

I knew there was a catch. You have to sit

through an awful time-share presentation.

A small price to pay. I'm gonna be the first

one on Spooner Street to have his own boat.

Whoa! All hands on deck! I'm gettin' a boat!

Hey, Quagmire, I'm also getting a boat too.

Right on! Whoo!

I can't wait to get my sea legs! Yeah!

Well, at least I'll be the fattest guy

on Spooner Street to get a boat.

Hey, hey, hey! I'm gettin' a boat!

Oh, man. Even Della Reese is getting a boat.

These wonderful homes

on this beautifully secluded island

can be yours with almost no strings attached.

Beautiful island.

Nothing out of the ordinary here.

Just beautiful homes and nothing else.

Each residence has 200 feet

of pristine ocean front.

No city noise,

no flesh-eating ogres, no pollution.

I hate these high-pressure sales situations.

That's so cute. You're just afraid that because

you're a woman, you'll do something stupid,

like buy that time-share, or not realise I taped

over our wedding video with soft-core porn.

- You taped over our wedding video?

- Relax. I just taped over the boring stuff.

The couple has written their own vows,

which they will now recite.

Peter, I...

Look, the only reason I got myself arrested

was to find out what happened to my sister.

Excuse me, ladies, it's laundry time.

It's so cold in here. I mean, look at my...

Oh, my God, Peter. I sent a copy

of that tape to my great-aunt Lil.

This wedding is hot!

Wake up, dammit! Wake up!

Mr and Mrs... Griffin. If you sign this contract

without reading it, I'll take your blank cheque,

and you won't not be not loving

your time-share before you know it.

We're not gonna buy your lousy time-share,

all right? Now where's my boat?

Hold on! You have a choice.

You can have the boat or the mystery box.

- Are you crazy? We'll take the boat.

- Not so fast, Lois.

A boat's a boat,

but the mystery box could be anything.

It could even be a boat!

You know how much we want one.

- Let's...

- We'll take the box.

"We'll take the box." You gave up a boat

for free tickets to a crappy comedy club.

You're acting like this is the first time

I've ever done something stupid.

Remember the time we went to get that boat?

A boat's a boat,

but the mystery box could be anything.

It could even be a boat!

You know how much we want one.

- Let's...

- We'll take the box.

- Peter, that just happened ten minutes ago.

- Who cares? I bet nobody took the boat.

Who could resist the call of the mystery box?

Yahoo!

Hey, look at me!

I'm the man in the boat! All right!

- Joe, look to the right. It's the Griffins.

- We're nautical now, baby.

That's called starboard. But I'll forgive you

cos you sex me up. Now give me some sugar.

- Hey, neighbours! Where's your boat?

- We didn't take the boat.

We took the mystery box. Hop in.

Hey, Quagmire, maybe

the comedian will tell some jokes

about boats or boating or owning a boat.

Yeah. Or maybe he'll tell some jokes

about being a sucker.

Oh, Quagmire,

you're what the Spaniards call el terrible.

Why are you upset?

I never even knew you liked boats.

Boating's in my blood. Ever since

my great-grandfather, Huck Griffin,

rafted down the mighty Mississippi.

- What did you just call me?

- I... I thought that was your name.

That is our word. You've got no right using it.

Hey, hey, hey. I'm cool, I'm cool. No problem.

- Could you pass me the oar, N-word Jim.

- Thank you.

This comic sucks!

He couldn't make me laugh

even if I was laughing my a** off

and he was making me do it. Huh?

- Come on, Skinny! Make me laugh!

- Peter, that's a microphone stand.

Oh, well, pardon me for thinking

a microphone stand in a comedy club

should tell a joke or two.

I guess I'm just old-fashioned that way.

- Hi. Welcome to...

- Ha-ha-ha-ha! Very funny!

- Excuse me, sir. I haven't even...

- That one was hilarious.

That was even funnier than your first joke.

Put Skinny back up there.

- Peter!

- You think this is easy?

- You wanna come up here and try this?

- I thought you'd never ask.

Maybe you shouldn't do this.

You've never had a lot of luck telling jokes.

OK, OK. How many dirty, stinking apes

does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One dirty, stinking ape

to screw in the light bulb,

and two dirty, stinking apes

to throw faeces at each other.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Don't worry. I... I got it under control.

Hey, hey, how about that Viagra, huh?

You know what that stuff does? Huh?

Huh?

Come on!

What, are you people stupid?

Ah! You like a little abuse, huh?

Yeah. Well, you gu...

you guys are stupid and ugly.

If there was a stupid-and-ugly contest,

you'd all win!

Or lose. Whichever's funnier.

Hey, Lois. What do you call a woman

who takes for ever to cook breakfast?

- I swear to God, Peter...

- You call her Lois.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Well, the fat man made a funny.

I rather enjoyed that.

Yes, yes. Yes, you cook very slowly.

As a matter of fact, if you were

any slower at cooking, you'd...

well, you wouldn't be cooking very fast at all,

now, would you? That one wasn't very good.

They laughed because it looked like you peed

yourself, not because they liked your jokes.

Well, maybe that was part of my act.

Urine happens to be very edgy,

but an unfunny person like you

wouldn't understand that.

OK, OK, I've got it, I've got it.

If you cooked any more slowly,

you wouldn't need an egg timer,

you'd need an egg calendar! Ha-ha-ha!

That's right. I went there.

OK, OK, OK. Wait. Here's another one.

Why do women have boobs?

So you got something to look at

while you're talking to 'em.

- That's great!

- That's a good one. That's what they're for!

Are you telling jokes? I love jokes.

All right. Then you'll love this one. OK.

Why do women have boobs?

So you got something to look at

while you're talking to 'em. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

So you got something to look at

while you're talking to 'em. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

So you got...

You... you wanted to see me, Mr Weed?

Peter, we have a problem.

Mr Griffin, I'm Gloria Ironbox. I represent

one of your co-workers, Sarah Bennett.

She's suing you and the company

for sexual harassment.

Sarah... Sarah... I don't...

Oh, is she the one

we video-taped taking a dump?

Why? What happened?

Sexual harassment is

a very serious charge, Mr Griffin.

First of all, if I can speak in my own defence,

all I did was tell a little joke.

Second of all, women are not people.

They are devices built by the Lord

Jesus Christ for our entertainment.

Peter, please!

Miss Ironbox, I assure you this company

in no way condones Peter's conduct.

In fact, a film on employee relations

has been a mandatory part

of our personnel training for 50 years.

Irrational and emotionally fragile by nature,

female co-workers are a peculiar animal.

They are very insecure

about their appearance.

Be sure to tell them

how good they look every day,

even if they're homely and unkempt.

You're doing a great job, Muriel,

and you're prettier than Mamie Van Doren.

And, remember, nothing says "good job"

like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind.

I teach a workplace sensitivity training class

for the Women's Action Coalition.

If Mr Griffin completes my course,

we'll drop the lawsuit.

I assure you, Peter will be there.

His job depends on it.

Good. I'm looking forward to it.

You know, if I wasn't so sure you were

a lesbian, I'd say you were coming on to me.

All right, now let's do some role-playing.

I'll be the office assistant.

Mr Hanson, you play the boss

and we'll see what you've learned tonight.

OK.

- The filing is done, Mr Hanson.

- Thank you, Miss Ironbox.

You are a valued member

of our business team

and every bit as important

to this company as I am.

Excellent. Mr Griffin, why don't you

come up here and give it a try?

All right.

- The filing is done, Mr Griffin.

- Thank you, Miss Ironbox.

You're a valued member of our business

team and I will give you a raise tomorrow

if you come to work without a shirt on.

- Mr Griffin!

- I'm sorry. That came out wrong.

Let me try again.

- Nice a**.

- You haven't heard a word I've said.

That's not fair.

I've heard everything you've said.

There's some subtleties to the rules

that aren't so easy to understand.

- Honk, honk.

- OK, that's it!

Obviously normal sensitivity training

isn't enough for you.

No. We're gonna have to

do something drastic.

A week at a women's retreat. What the hell

am I supposed to learn from that?

Face it, your attitude towards women

isn't exactly enlightened.

That's a bad mud puddle.

I wouldn't want you to step in that

and get your nice shoes all ruined.

Then you got caught peeping

in the ladies' locker room.

(Peter) OK, move the towel, move the towel.

Oh! Oh! They spotted me!

Peter, I think this'll be good for you.

You know I love you,

but I have to admit there are times

when I wish you were a little more sensitive.

Look at me. Look at me!

Hello, ladies. I'm Miss Watson,

director of the retreat.

I'd like to welcome Peter Griffin, who's here

to get in touch with his feminine side.

This world would be far better

if there were more men like him.

OK, OK, so here's what I'm thinking.

I'll be Charlie and you can all be my angels.

Except you. You'll be Bosley.

We women have so much strength inside us.

If we can endure the pain of childbirth,

imagine what else we're capable of.

Right on, sister!

Wah, wah, wah. Come on!

It's only childbirth. How much could it hurt?

It's like taking your bottom lip and stretching

it over your head to the back of your neck.

Hey, you wanna hear some horror stories,

what about what I went through

when Lois was pregnant?

(Lois sobs)

("Three's Company" theme on TV)

(Lois vomits violently)

(increases TV volume)

We are conditioned to feel competitive with

other women when we should be supportive.

Lizzy, I know you feel alone and unattractive

since your husband left you.

But you are a beautiful person

and I am here for you.

Notice I'm making physical contact with her

in order to establish a connection.

You'd make more of a connection

if you hugged her.

Very good, Peter! That's true.

That's it. Now rub her back.

OK, that's good. Yeah, comfort her.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. You like that, don't you?

It's OK. It's OK to like it. It's very natural.

OK, good, good. Now smell her a little.

- I can't do it.

- Yes, you can.

Trust your sisters. Jump into the trust quilt.

- (woman) Jump! Trust us. We love you!

- (woman #2) We'll catch you.

OK, me next, me next!

OK, ladies. I'm gonna start with

a Greg Louganis triple Salchow

and tuck into a flying Mary Lou Retton half...

Aagh! Aagh! Ooh! Aagh!

Ow! Aagh! Aagh! Aagh!

Aaaaaagh! Aagh! Ow!

Now that you've felt a woman's pain,

the learning can begin.

Welcome back, Peter.

Lois!

I missed you so much. And my babies!

Chris, be a munchkin

and bring my bags inside.

- Peter, you're, uh...

- Brian, put the tea on. I have stories.

But first I'm gonna go freshen up

and rinse out a few things.

Oh, fudge! I broke a nail. Excuse me.

Oh, my God! Dad's a chick!

I can't remember the last time

we cuddled like this.

I can't remember the last time

I loved you so much.

Oh, how did you get so sweet?

When I was born, my mommy

dunked me in a barrel of sugar.

Oh, for God's sake.

Oh, yes. Yes, I want the coffee cake.

(phone rings)

- Hello!

- Hey, Quagmire.

- Hey, Peter, what's up?

- Not much.

- Well, what do you want?

- Nothing. I just called to talk.

- What you thinking about?

- What do you mean? You called me.

I just wanted to say hi. So what are you d...?

Sometimes I just can't believe

we could make something so beautiful.

He looks just like his father.

I really appreciate all the hard work you did

giving birth and mothering our kids.

I'll never know that joy.

Peter, I'm sure you would have been

a great mother if you'd had the chance.

- You think so?

- I know so.

(gasps)

(exhales heavily)

(coughs)

One of these days

I'm gonna need the mirror.

Oh, beans! I can't get this spit curl to...

- Lois, what day is it?

- Thursday.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God! I'm late.

- If you spent less time fixing your hair...

- No, Lois. I'm late late!

- Do we still have that pregnancy test?

- Are you insane? You can't have a baby.

Well, I don't have a lot of options.

I'm Catholic!

God! I thought you'd be happy!

Oh. Oh, this is just great. Now my own wife is

forced to cook dinner for her lousy husband?

Peter, you're my husband.

At least, you used to be.

Oh, Mother, I come bearing a gift.

I'll give you a hint.

- It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.

- Meg, can you change Stewie?

Fine. But this time if a boy calls,

please don't tell him I'm wrist-deep in poopie.

Honey, I'm glad you discovered

your feminine side,

but I didn't want you to forget about mine.

Remember this? Huh?

- Remember?

- Oh, my God. That reminds me.

I gotta get myself a breast exam.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh!

A lump. A lump! Oh, God! Oh, God!

No, Cheeto.

Lois.

How expected.

Hi, Glen. I'm sorry to bother you.

Is this a bad time?

It's never a bad time when

you're with the Q man. Come on in.

Well, as you may have noticed,

Peter's been acting a little different lately.

It was refreshing at first, but now... well, he

doesn't even treat me like a woman any more.

I know where this is going, Lois,

and I'm already semi there. Oh!

(cheesy music)

Anyways, Glen,

I was wondering if you and Cleveland

could help change Peter

back to the way he was.

Of course that's why you're here.

- Don't worry, I'd do everything to you.

- What?

I'd do anything for you.

If we're gonna remasculate Peter,

we need to surround him with chicks.

Let's blow this sausagefest

and hit the house of tail.

No. He needs to learn

how to respect his fellow man.

That's what this march is all about.

Respect for your fellow man.

I can't respect men. Men are the reason

our world is in such lousy shape.

If men were as caring as women,

we wouldn't have crime or violence.

My brothers, we need to stand together...

Excuse me. I'd like to say a couple of truths

to the men in this audience.

It's your fault we have

so much crime in this country

and it's your fault we have

so much violence in this country.

You are ruining our society

and you should be ashamed!

(men yelling)

Look, I don't care how many letters we gotta

write. The View should be on for three hours.

You just get going and it's News at Noon.

- Can we go soon?

- Not yet.

Gloria Ironbox and Camille Paglia are

gonna whip it out and see whose is bigger.

Peter, I'm so glad you could make it.

- Gloria, this is my life partner Lois.

- I'm his wife.

His wife, yes. Peter tells me

you don't have a career of your own.

Oh, no. Life outside my kitchen

is so bright and scary.

I'm just here because you caught me

between pregnancies.

Well, I'm sorry you're so hostile

toward someone who's fighting

so a woman like you can become

more than just a housewife.

Oh, just a housewife?

Look, I'm all for equality,

but if you ask me feminism is about choice.

I choose to be a wife and mother. And now

I'm choosing to end this conversation.

No wonder your husband

didn't respect women.

Excuse me?

I can't imagine how screwed up

your kids must be.

You b*tch!

Ten banana cream pies.

Holy crap, this is hot.

Lois, we gotta go.

- That was wonderful.

- Who said that?

Oh, hey, Lois. I'm starving.

How about a sandwich?

- Glad to have you back, Peter.

- Lois, less talky, more fetchy.

I'm just gonna assume

that's Chinese for "I love you".

("Three's Company" theme)

Visiontext Subtitles: Sally Lewis

ENGLISH SDH

Where's Brian? Breakfast is getting cold.

In tonight's episode, the part of Brian

the dog will be played by Carter Banks.

- Here I am. Sorry, I...

- Camera two.

- Sorry, I overslept.

- Yes, well, do you want breakfast?

Or would you rather

chew on your own a**, as usual?

(clears throat) Well, I'm... I'm sure

you have something to say to that, hm?

Oh. Oh, God, sorry. Can you give me the line

again? Not the whole line, just the end of it.

Oh! Let's cut. All right,

you're sleeping with which producer?

God, as soon as my movie deal

kicks in, I am such a ghost!

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those

good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively

can do all the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy!

(Lois) Peter, take off your blindfold.

We're almost there.

Not yet. I don't wanna

ruin my birthday surprise.

Then at least let me drive!

- You know it's illegal for women to drive.

- (cat squeals)

A woman driving! That's adorable.

Peter, I don't think...

Peter, please, I'm begging you, stop the car!

Oh, we're here. Thank God.

(crowd) Whoo!

Bob's Funland and Putt Putt Golf! The

grown-up in me likes the prospect of fun.

But the kid in me is suicidal

over what a fat bastard I'll become.

- Happy birthday!

- I can't believe it! Quagmire, Cleveland, Joe!

- Who are you?

- The guy whose car you just slammed into!

Lois, you invited everyone!

Excuse me, excuse me. My friend is

differently-abled. May he go ahead of you?

Of course.

Frontsies, backsies, backsies, backsies.

Well, hello! You must be

this beautiful to ride the Quagmire.

- Careful, Joe.

- Kiss off! Yeah!

Your father! Sometimes I don't think he'll

be happy until he's completely paralysed.

Ooh! How deliciously evil-Iooking.

It's like something out of Stephen King.

OK, for my 307th book,

uh, this couple is attacked by a... a...

A lamp monster! Ooh! Ooooh!

You're not even trying any more, are you?

- (growls)

- When can I have it?

A lot.

A 10-gauge. I've never handled

one of these before.

Agh!

Ah! Yes!

This is my rifle, this is my gun

This is for fighting, this is for fun

Oh, dang. Now I hate windmills even more.

Let me give you a tip, pally.

The shortest distance between two points

is the full-body-English

high-arcing rainbow shot.

I know what you're thinkin'.

Sir, I'm gonna have to ask

you and your party to leave.

You've caused nothing but trouble.

Perhaps we should just continue the party

at some other type of location.

No, no, no, wait. I know this guy.

We went to high school together.

- We did?

- Yeah.

He was a loser then, and he's a loser now.

Oh, we used to kid this guy all the time.

Bob misses his mommy!

Bob misses his mommy!

So we're not goin' just cos some little pissant

tells us to. I demand to see the owner.

That's me. I'm Bob Funland.

Wha... You own this whole place?!

That's right. This place is my legacy. So

what have you done with your life, you jerk?

Uh... Uh...

I'm Neptune, god of the sea!

I sink ships and conjure up storms!

No, you're not. I am.

And you know nothing of my work.

Look at this, Lois. See, right here.

I was voted Most Likely to Succeed.

Peter, that's not you. That's not even

a yearbook, it's a People Magazine.

Oh. I wondered why they had

the wrong picture and name.

Can't we just enjoy the rest of your birthday?

Look. It says

"Happy birthday, Daddy. Love, Stewie."

Let me see that!

Did you forge my name?! Oh, is that

backward "S" supposed to be cute?

I'm going to crap double for you tonight!

Face it, Lois, I'm a nobody.

Why can't I be famous like Bob?

Or my cousin, Kathy Griffin?

Then I got on Suddenly Susan,

and that was, like, really cool.

I still do stand-up, people laugh

and give me money, that's also cool.

Isn't this great, catching up? Anyway...

- She's still talking.

- I don't get it. I poured it in her drink.

...name was Steve Rock.

First black I ever did it with.

- Oh, boy.

- "Never go back." But I went everywhere.

Don't be depressed, Dad.

Here, I made you a present.

My God! It's... good. Really good.

It's partly an expression of my teenage angst,

but mostly it's a moo-cow.

It's lovely, Chris.

Go ahead, Peter, make a wish.

I'd sell my soul to be famous!

Hup. I got a live one. Peter Griffin.

Ooh, sorry, chief. Seems he already

sold his soul in 1976 for Bee Gees tickets.

Oh, and again in 1981 for half a Mallomar.

Aw, heck! Where's a lawyer when I need one?

Don't forget this.

Maybe you could hang it in your office.

Son, I'll put it someplace

where everyone can see it.

Excuse me. I'll give you $1,000

for what you have in the back there.

$1,000 for a bumper sticker?

No, no, no. I mean that painting.

I must have it for my gallery in SoHo.

- I'll give you $5,000. What do you say?

- I say...

I love you, you freakin' son of mine! I got

5,000 bucks for that painting you made me!

But I painted that just for you.

Don't feel bad, Chris. I didn't even want it.

Now we all get a free trip to New York

cos Mr Monatti thinks

you could be a famous artist.

- Monatti? Antonio Monatti?

- You've heard of this man?

Oh, oh, oh! He's only

the biggest art dealer in New York!

I met him when I was hanging out

with Andy Warhol in the '70s.

Peter, we are not going to New York.

Lois, our son has been

blessed with a great gift,

and I'm gonna do everything I can

to nurture that talent and help him succeed.

Then I'll use him to live out

all my frustrated hopes and dreams,

because that's good parenting,

right, Bing Crosby?

Right, Peter.

And if your kids give you any lip,

you can beat 'em with

a sack of sweet Valencia oranges.

They won't leave a bruise, and they'll let 'em

know who's boss. There's no doubt about it.

- But that doesn't sound right.

- Are you givin' me lip, boy?

I'll take this belt off and put the smack-down

on you. Is that what you want? Huh?

- Hey! Hey! What... Ow! Knock it off!

- Huh?

- Like that, huh?

- Get away from me, you dead crooner.

Hi, this is David Leisure. You probably

remember me as the neighbour

from TV's "Empty Nest".

No? Well, how about those car commercials

when I played Joe Isuzu?

The... the guy who lied?

Oh, come on! Those were really popular.

They ran all the time.

All right, look. Just buckle up.

Can I get my cheque now?

Oh, kids, look at that man over there, grabbin'

his own crotch. Oh! So alive, this city!

- Look! Central Park!

- There's the Empire State Building!

- There's a hot-dog cart!

- Chris, don't spoil your appetite.

New York has some of the best restaurants in

the world. They even have Indian food here.

Not the "ub-ub" kind, the "mm-mm" kind.

- Welcome to the Big Apple, fella.

- Just make sure

there's a Wall Street Journal

by the changing table.

And send a masseuse up. Legitimate!

Hey, waiter. The name's Peter Griffin.

My son's gonna be the best thing

to happen to New York

since Mayor Giuliani

had all the homeless secretly killed.

And all I gotta do is paint!

Hey, you guys have any bellhops

that are rats, like the Muppets?

Mom, can we go

see a Broadway play tonight?

Count me out. I'm never going

to the theatre with Peter again.

Remember when you were younger,

Uncle Vanya used to spend whole nights

translating books for you.

Uncle Vanya and I worked without rest,

afraid to spend a kopeck on ourselves.

What the hell is this?

For cryin' out loud, somebody throw a pie!

Screw the theatre. Mr Monatti invited us to a

cocktail party so Chris can meet some artists.

It's at the Museum of Modern Art. Oh, God.

I hope that's not some kind of museum.

- Mapplethorpe? Not just photography?

- Oh, no. Early on he did caricatures.

Uh, OK, Tim.

Who's your favourite sports star?

- Uh, Reggie Jackson.

- OK.

I'll draw him pooping

on your chest. What number is he?

Welcome. Chris, there are a number

of artists here I'd like you to meet.

Hey, hey, hey. Let's talk turkey, Monatti.

We've been here all day,

and Chris isn't a famous artist yet.

Creating art takes

a lot of training and technique.

- All the great artists I knew took classes.

- Even Walt Disney?

Do I... do I have to?

You want to be a star, don't you?

Then take it off!

- (whimpers)

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's nice.

Art school? We don't have that kind of time.

Chris, give me your ear.

- Peter!

- Mr Griffin, please.

Please, I invited you so that Chris could

make an impression on the art community.

Why not do some sightseeing? If you leave

Chris in my hands, the name Griffin

- Will be as well-known as Kandinsky.

- Who?

- Rembrandt?

- Who?

- Da Vinci?

- Who?

- Bazooka Joe?

- There you go.

Ah, the United Nations!

Oh, I wish Chris could see this.

Isn't it inspiring how so many

different cultures can come together?

Yeah, and use up

all the towels in the men's room.

- Peter!

- Sorry.

(air whooshes)

- These things never get 'em completely dry.

- Where's Stewie?

Hm! Hidden missile silos

behind the Great Wall.

Ancient Chinese secret, huh?

Mr Monatti, shouldn't I be painting now?

Trust me, painting is the least important

thing about being a successful artist.

You need an image!

Let's take this Rhode Island lump of clay

- And turn it into the toast of New York!

- Ha, ha, ha! I love toast!

- Cut it and tint it green, the colour of money.

- And boogers!

(Lois) I feel we've been walkin' in circles.

I don't know how you can find anything

in this city. It's so confusing.

Well, I bet if Hillary Clinton

becomes senator, she'll straighten it out.

Even though she couldn't straighten out Bill.

Ha, ha, ha!

I love when you use topical humour.

It's just like watching Murphy Brown.

Hey, Murphy. Blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah, John Sununu.

(canned laughter)

Murphy. Blah, blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah, Tipper Gore.

(canned laughter)

Hey, Murph. You can't blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah the Ayatollah.

Blah, blah, blah,

Bishop Desmond Tutu. Blah, blah.

(canned laughter and applause)

Shouldn't my mom and dad be here by now?

They'd rather wander through SoHo,

looking for an address that doesn't exist.

Ha, ha, ha! That's my dad!

Well, maybe tomorrow, we could all...

- Oh, there's Kate Moss.

- Where? I don't see her.

Agh! Are you the Matrix?

- Kate, this is my new discovery, Christobel.

- My name's Chris.

Not any more. Christobel

will look better in Interview magazine.

Nice to meet you. I love artists.

Whoops! A crack in the floor.

- Lois. Gimme a penny,

- You're not gonna throw it over the edge?

No. Yes.

I've just scheduled your first exhibit!

Wow! I can't wait to tell my dad.

Yes. I know how important

your success is to your father.

That's why he'll understand

that you can never see him again.

Yeah. Of course he will. Dad's very...

Whaaaat?

Christobel, the art world

is a place of culture and breeding.

Your father is, uh...

How can I say this without upsetting you?

- (high-pitched voice) Your dad is a pig!

- Ah! Ha, ha, ha!

So, you see, it's up to you, son. If you don't

wanna disappoint your father, keep him away.

There's my boy! Hey, come on, Chris.

Let's go to Barneys and fart in the suits.

All right, Dad! I... Oh.

- I mean, uh... I can't see you any more.

- What are you talkin' about? You're my son.

Mr Griffin, he's going to be a great artist.

He now belongs to the public.

And apparently, I'm dating Kate Moss.

Oh, and, um, don't say anything bad

about her, cos she might be here right now.

Wait a minute! You can't...

you can't just push me aside.

I made you! And I can destroy you!

- (bleep)

- Damn, they musta put it in the wrong baby.

Oh, Bobby Williams,

I'd love to go out with you.

I can't believe Chris. If I hadn't used

his painting to patch that window,

- He'd still be in that dump in Quahog.

- That "dump" is our home.

"Dump"? Oh, so now

you're too good for us, too?

This is a once-in-a-lifetime

opportunity for Chris, not you.

- Are you so selfish you can't see that?

- Yes, I am.

Peter, your son is using

his talents to pursue his dream.

I have no son. Except for Stewie.

- And Meg!

- Aah!

I had a dream

It's all about you

Meg Griffin

Not much you can do

Meg Griffin

You can't dance, you can't sing

No, you pretty much can't do a thing

Never fear, Daddy's here

Honey, you're gonna

make our name famous

You'll be larger than life

I'll be proud you fell out of my wife

You'll be known far and wide

Like that princess who died

I'm gonna make you famous

Wait and see

Honey, I'm gonna do this for you

But it's really for meee...

...eeee!

Fine. If Chris doesn't need me,

I don't need him.

You'll love being famous, Meg,

and this is the town to do it in.

I don't know, Dad. What am I gonna do?

Everybody's good at somethin'. It's just a

matter of findin' the special hidden talent.

But promise me, when you make it big,

you'll let me take advantage of all the...

I can't think of anything.

I guess I don't have any talent.

Come on, think harder!

There's gotta be somethin' you can do.

(whistles bird call)

- That's amazing!

- Oh, thanks.

I roomed with Scott Hamilton at prep school.

- Nothing happened.

- No, the bird came when Meg whistled.

Oh. No, those are just my bird calls.

Do it again! Do it again!

Yeah? Well, what d'you want?

- Uh...

- You called me, right?

Oh, no, no. I wasn't calling you.

(giggles)

Oh, oh, this is funny to you? Yeah?

You know what a pain in the a** it is

to get across town, this time of day? Huh?

Listen, uh, mister,

we don't want any trouble here.

I don't fly, you know.

I take the subway like everybody else.

Oh, and people don't stare.

You make me puke. b*tch.

Mr Monatti, I don't feel like painting.

I wanna see my dad.

Listen, Christobel. I've sunk $5,000

turning you into a New York bohemian.

All you have to do is paint. Now get busy!

I have to go oil up and start squeezing

into my leather pants. Excuse me.

Oh, jeez. Kate, what should I do?

I don't know. You're the flavour of the month.

Oops! Window open.

(Meg caws)

- I'm goin' over there. I'm gonna...

- No, no.

- I'm gonna go over there and punch her.

- No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.

This is humiliating!

It's show business, baby.

You gotta start somewhere.

No, I don't. I quit.

Now, wait just a minute, young lady.

Don't you walk away from me.

Hey! Hey! Don't you start runnin'!

Wait! Meg! Meg, get off that bus.

Don't... don't you go to LaGuardia!

Meg? Meg, listen to me.

Don't you dare get on that plane.

Don't shell out five bucks for headphones

for Magnolia. OK. Now, I'm pissed.

- Well, thank God that's over.

- Yeah.

- Wanna go crap on the Statue of Liberty?

- I've lived my life here and never been there.

- I've never been to the Empire State Building.

- Boy, we're a pair.

- Aren't we?

- Unbelievable. Let's go.

- Chris!

- Hey! You guys made it!

Of course! We wouldn't miss your big day.

Wait a second. I don't see any strippers

passing out free tacos. Lois, you lied to me!

- Is Dad mad at me?

- Oh, he just doesn't understand.

I know artists have to make sacrifices, and...

Oh, my God! Are you Kate Moss?

Oh, for someone with no breasts, you've

done very well for yourself. Good for you!

(disco)

1541.

Michelangelo unveils the Sistine Chapel.

1886. Seurat completes La Grand-Jatte.

1940. Georgia O'Keeffe paints a lot of flowers

that look suspiciously like vaginas.

But in the new millennium,

there is only Christobel!

- (applause)

- (fanfare)

- Hey, that's not art. Amateur!

- How jejune!

Hey, that's my dad. Except for that one.

That's my dad if he were a cat.

He's the whole reason I'm here.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I apologise for these eyesores.

I guess I was wrong about you.

You're no artist. You're just a no-talent punk.

Now hold on a second. You can talk

to my daughter that way, but not my son.

- Now, apologise.

- The hell I will.

You owe me for all that money

I invested in your worthless son.

All right. Well, here's

a little something in return.

Work of art? Or container

of crazy purple knockout gas?

Dad, I'm sorry I'm not gonna be

a famous artist you can mooch off of.

And I'm sorry I have no talent.

Ah, that's OK, kids. So I don't have

my name on an amusement park,

and maybe I'll never be famous.

But I got three wonderful children,

and a wife that loves me.

That's right. I guess when it comes

right down to it, you're a pretty lucky...

- (vomits)

- Oh, my sentiments exactly.

Come on, Griffins. Let's go home.

Hey, watch where you're goin'.

This child is beautiful. I must have him.

You mean like Gina Gershon beautiful,

or beautiful beautiful?

Peter, this is heterosexual

fashion designer Calvin Klein.

I've been looking everywhere for

a face to launch my new line of diapers.

And I think I've found it.

Well, Bob Funland may have his name

on the sign, but only a Griffin has this.

- (camera whirs)

- Ooh! Yeah!

Workin' it, make me want it. Yeah!

Mm, baby! I'm gonna sex you up, baby.

I'm going to sex you up so crazy, yeah!

Oh, you're loving this, aren't you?

Visiontext Subtitles: Yasmeen Khan

ENGLISH SDH

All right, we're gonna use a fan brush here.

I want you to take some hunter green,

and we're gonna put a happy little bush

down here in the corner.

And that'll just be our little secret.

And if you tell anyone

that that bush is there...

I will come to your house and I will cut you.

Aw, jeez. Mine doesn't look

anything like his. Ah, the hell with it.

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those

good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively

can do all the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

Ha! Boy, you throw like a fishwife.

Come on, ya hairy, lubbin', friggin' rod.

Chris, are you gonna take that

from a fisherman?

No way!

Argh!

Argh! Oh, for the love of Pete! Oh!

- I'm good.

- Oh, how fun. And it's for a good cause.

All the money goes to the families

of fishermen who've been eaten by sharks.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the mayor of Quahog, Adam West.

- (applause)

- Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Mm. Thank you.

Thank you.

It was 360 years ago that Quahog founder

Miles "Chatterbox" Musket set sail

for the new colony of Rhode Island.

You know what I'm gonna do when we get

to shore? First, I'm gonna have a snack.

No, no, no. Shower first, snack second.

I hope I see Indians!

Think they'll have American cheese?

(mayor) Ever the free thinker, Miles was

thrown overboard for speaking his mind.

He was as good as dead.

But, as legend has it,

he was saved by a magic clam,

who brought him to shore

and shared the vision of a new colony,

which would be called Quahog.

There are fields for tilling, woods for timber,

and always the bounty of the sea.

Look at all this sand! Do you know

there are beaches with black sand?

- Did I not pack my towel?

- Are you listening? I'm trying to help.

And help he did.

Thanks to the clam's leadership,

Quahog became a great

and prosperous settlement.

But relations between Miles

and the clam soon soured.

I know he's an Indian,

but what kind of a name is Squanto?

- Leslie or something like that would be nice.

- Shut up! Just shut up!

God! Keep it to yourself once in a while! Oh!

Here, look what I'm doing.

All right? Look, watch this.

Huh? Look. See that, see that?

Now try it with me. Huh? OK? OK?

(sobs)

(sighs)

Things only got worse. Before long,

Miles began to contemplate killing the clam.

I was awake last night, Miles.

I saw you.

I think it's time for me to go.

I'll send for my things.

Wait! Don't go! I'm sorry!

(wails)

Miles never spoke again.

But every year until his death -

from a combination of tuberculosis

and a tomahawk to the head -

he went to the shore on this day

in hopes that the magic clam would return.

Today we citizens of Quahog

continue this tradition.

What's that? Something out at sea?

Clam ho-o-o-o!

- They're giving your cue, Peter.

- (gasps)

Whose idea was it to make

the suit out of foam rubber?

It's such an honour to play the magic clam.

Aren't you proud of your dad, kids?

Are you kidding? God, this is worse

than having Ronald McDonald for a father.

- Bye, Dad! Don't wait up!

- Whoa!

Come back here. You're not going out

with all that make-up on.

- But, Dad...

- Upstairs!

You're a McDonald, not a wh*re.

(huffs)

I think I got a wave here!

(crowd gasps)

Huh. So that's what Peter's penis looks like.

How could you embarrass me?! Nobody

better pull this crap at my slumber party.

Don't worry. You and your friends

are gonna have a great time.

Yes, yes, how delightful it will be.

A pubescent herd of gabby wretches

prattling on about boys and music

and jellybeans and stickers...

Oh, we'd better stop by the hospital

so I can get my cooties shot.

Shut up.

Just leave me and my friends alone tonight.

Meg, will you relax? None of us

are gonna do anything to embarrass you.

Jeez, I gotta get gas.

Hey, any of you guys want a soda?

I'm gonna go inside and get a soda.

Mom!

Meg, you know your father

loves you very much.

- Mr Griffin?

- Oh, my God.

Hey, Meg, it's Kevin from next door.

I didn't know you worked here.

Hey, Kevin, come here.

Come here! Say hi to Meg.

She's right in there, right there.

(Meg groans)

OK, I'd put Brad Pitt's face

on Brendan Fraser's body

with Ben Affleck's butt.

- (all scream and giggle)

- My turn, my turn.

I'd take James Brolin's face,

Mark Spitz's body,

and Milton Berle's legendary genitals. Ah!

- Mom, what are you doing?

- I love slumber parties.

OK, truth or dare. Who here

has gone all the way? Hm?

At my sleepovers, we used to practise

French kissing. Now, everybody pair up.

- (Chris) All right, Mom!

- Chris, get outta here right now!

- Um... I can't.

- OK, finish up and then come out.

Lois, have you seen my fake beard?

Oh, crap! I'm stuck in the stairs.

Oh, God, kill me now.

(phone)

Hello.

Karen!

All right, Meg, I need you to boil some water.

Girls, I'm gonna need towels. Lots of 'em.

- OK, let's go.

- Oh, jeez. I'm sorry, Meg's friends.

Look, I'll make it up to you. I'll get you

Davy Jones for your school dance.

- Ow! Ah, jeez! Lois, what is that? Acid?

- You guys are ruining my life!

I'm sorry, honey. I know how you must feel.

If you care about me, you won't show

your faces for the rest of the night.

Well, then it's a good thing I have this.

(imitates Richard Nixon) I am not a crook.

Look, I mean it. All of you.

Oh, God, where's Stewie?

Well, Beth, what do you think?

Does Mark find you attractive?

- (giggles) I don't know.

- Well, have you asked him?

Not exactly.

All right, let's try some role-playing.

I'll be Mark.

You ask me out to the box social or whatever

the devil it is you children do these days.

(Lois) Peter, don't!

God, your hand is like ice!

Just here. Give it to me.

Ooh, that'll warm it up a little. (giggles)

Oh, that's nice.

(Peter) Oh! Oh! Oh!

- Peter, wait till...

- Sha... shaargh!

(sighs) Oh, Peter.

- Argh!

- Argh!

- What happened to your friends?

- My family scared them away.

I wish there was some way I could make

them understand how embarrassing they are.

Welcome back to "Diane!"

Erica, it's time for Mario's little confession.

Erica, you know I love you,

but I gotta come clean.

I'm... I'm not really a man.

I'm a woman.

Oh, my God. You're a woman?

Well, actually, I'm not really a woman.

I'm a horse.

Oh, my God. You're a horse?

Actually, I'm not really a horse.

I'm a broom.

OK, OK. So, how do you feel?

To be honest with you, Diane, I'm surprised.

Man, this is a great show. They drag these

idiots up on stage and then blindside 'em.

Like this one guy, didn't know

he was actually two midgets.

Oh, those poor, unsuspecting people.

Well, maybe some of them deserved it.

Hello, and welcome to Diane!

Today's guest is tired

of being embarrassed by her family.

- Meg, how did you get these tickets again?

- Let's bring them up right now.

Whatever problems we have

can be settled in the privacy of...

- (Diane) The Griffin family.

- (laughs) Suckers.

Uh-oh.

And we're back. Griffins, do you have

anything to say to your daughter?

I can't believe you'd do this to us, Meg.

Maybe now I won't give you the antidote.

- To what?

- To the poison you just drank!

See what I mean? This is not normal.

You there, Bingo. It seems the naughty baby

has made a messy-poo in his...

I say, what's this? Volume. Volume!

Look, what's the big deal? I mean,

we're just a regular American family.

We have family dinners,

and we go to church...

Yeah, and you even manage

to humiliate me there.

- Whoa! Is that really the blood of Christ?

- Yes.

Man! That guy must've been

wasted 24 hours a day, huh?

We have a caller on the line. Go ahead.

(Stewie) Yes. Yes. I say,

do you have Prince Albert in a can?

Quiet, quiet, quiet. Shut up. Shut up.

Well, you'd better let him out!

That's hilarious!

Meg, you have two parents

who love you and...

What does that say under me?

Oh, go (bleep) yourself, Diane.

- (audience gasps)

- She said a swear!

Peter, do you think there might be

any validity to what Meg is feeling?

Who are you callin' Uncle Tom?!

- What?

- OK, time out.

This kind of acrimony

isn't gonna resolve our differences.

Just shut up and throw a chair.

- OK.

- Argh!

Hm.

Uh-oh. Fire! Fire!

City Hall is burning!

Don't worry. I'll put it out.

(imitates siren)

- (laughs)

- Hey, great show out there.

If you want an autograph, you either

gotta give me a pen or get me some snow.

I look at you and I see a series.

We would like to put cameras in your house

and follow the drama that is your family.

Kinda like The Real World.

All right! Then everyone'd get

to see me and my wacky antics.

Bleh!

- So, do we have a deal?

- Let's shake on it.

Mom, are we on TV right now?

Yes, Chris.

Your father signed a contract,

and now we're gonna be on TV

for the next six months.

How could you do this? You turned my life

into the 24-hour Loser Channel.

You! Cameraman! Make sure

you use that Cybill Shepherd filter.

If it makes her look half-human,

it'll take six months off my face.

Um...

I... I find the toothpaste with a pump

is a little easier to get on the brush.

Um... you might have noticed

my underwear has a hole in it.

It's... you know... I don't see

any reason to throw it out.

The waist is still fine, you know...

You can see it's still real stretchy.

Mom, you have to do something!

Dad's on TV parading around in his

underwear like some gross European guy!

Oh, now, sweetie,

your father is just a free spirit.

Here. A good breakfast

is the foundation of a good day.

And a bad breakfast

is the foundation of indigestion. Hey-oh!

Hi. I'm Brian.

What the hell is this? I said egg whites only!

Are you trying to give me a bloody

heart attack? Make it again!

Ah, the breakfast thing.

Yes. It wasn't even about the eggs, really.

Frankly, I like the yolks.

I don't... I have no problem.

It's just there's always been a lot

of tension between Lois and me,

and it's not so much that I want to kill her,

it's just I want her not to be alive any more.

I sometimes wonder if all women

are this difficult, and then I think to myself

"My God! Wouldn't it be marvellous

if I turned out to be a homosexual?"

One time my dad pooped in the

neighbours' yard, then lied about it.

I knew it! Well, I'm glad I used

his shovel to clean it up.

Wow! Joe, this sort of makes you

like Larry from Three's Company.

You know, I always thought he was sexy.

Yes! I am all about Larry over here!

Um, on Sundays we generally catch

the early-bird special

here at the Lobster Shanty.

There's fresh seafood, good prices.

- Plus... it's a shanty.

- And you get to pick your own lobster.

Yes. That one looks

like he's got some fight in him.

Take off the rubber bands! I'm going in.

Oh, my God, it is them! I can't believe

the Griffins eat here like everyday people.

We're, like, trying to eat here.

- Meg, put your bib on.

- I don't wanna wear a bib.

Meg, honey, it's very cold in here. Maybe

you'd be more comfortable with your bib on.

- She means your nipples are stickin' out.

- Mom!

Nipples! Nipples!

That's it! I want those cameras off!

Fourth wall! You're breaking the fourth wall!

Meg, you're the one that got us

on TV in the first place.

Well, now I am getting us off TV. I quit.

Hm. This isn't necessarily a bad thing.

We can't do the show without Meg.

Why not? Our research shows that Meg

is the least popular character on the show.

But everyone loves the rest of you. Lois,

women 25 to 49 see you as a role model.

- Really?

- Absolutely.

- What about me?

- You?!

Look, the bottom line is

you folks are still under contract, OK?

But I've come up with a solution

I think will make everyone happy.

- Jason Gallagher.

- Present.

Meg Griffin.

- Oh, sorry I'm late, Mr...

- Here.

- Hello?

- Over here.

- Thank you for meeting us here. Cigarette?

- Peter.

- Sorry. We have to keep this brief.

- Why are we here?

No cameras. The TV executives don't want

viewers to be confused and think you're Meg.

- You're gonna let them recast me?

- Could've been worse.

They could've gone with plan B.

- Brian, put a mask on.

- I have an announcement.

"Meg Griffin's plane was shot down

over the Sea of Japan."

"It spun in. There were no survivors."

Who do I see about a Section Eight?

Fine! Do your stupid show without me.

I'll be at Cleveland's house. I don't

wanna be a part of this family any more.

- Meg!

- She'll be OK.

We gotta go. The cameramen think

we're taking Chris to soccer practice.

We're gonna be late!

Why won't you talk to me?!

Oh, Meg, honey, our home is your home

for as long as you like.

We could offer you the guest room,

provided that it doesn't bother you

that my Great Uncle Chet died in there.

Oh. I guess not.

Uh, when did he die?

We think sometime between

The Tonight Show and The Today Show.

(laughs)

You know, some people think

that dandelions are weeds,

but, uh, you know, I always think...

who the hell decided tulips were so great?

Hey. Hey, I'm over here. Hey!

- Hi, Chris.

- You know my name?

Of course I do, silly. I'm your sister, Meg.

Oh.

Uh, I don't know if Mom and Dad told you,

but we usually have breakfast naked

and I'm allowed to videotape it.

Ooh, my skin's getting so slippery.

Hope I don't pop out of my top.

Ohh.

Hey, camera guy, check this out.

"Peter Griffin and Madame."

Oh, Madame,

you're a lusty old girl, aren't you?

You're the one with

your hand up my backside.

Oh! She got me.

Hey! Hey, come back here!

She's gonna sing "Rainbow Connection"!

Mr Quagmire, can I use your toothpaste?

(gasps) Oh, my God! Excuse me.

No problem, Meg. You probably bought me

another three minutes. Giggedy-giggedy!

The funniest thing happened at work today.

- There was...

- Hi.

- (Peter) Hey!

- I had the worst day.

I didn't make cheerleader

because I'm so plain,

and I still don't have a date

for Friday night, as usual.

I'm going to write in my journal about how

I'll never grow big, full breasts like these.

It's not fair. If I don't get any airtime,

how am I ever gonna get my own spin-off

where I'm a retired baseball umpire

who opens a bar?

At the centre of the earth!

We don't get many of you

molten-rock men in here.

Well, at these prices I'm not surprised.

That's it, pal, you... are... outta here!

(audience laughs)

To hell with the cameras. How could we

ever let them replace our little girl?

I miss her, Peter.

Me too. She's like that dorky Baldwin brother

who isn't as good-Iooking or successful

and never answers my letters, but he's

still a Baldwin, dammit, and so is Meg.

Let's go get her back!

- What can I do for you?

- I'll tell you what you can do.

Fire that sexy, interesting version

of our daughter and make us a family again,

or we walk.

Fire her? She's the highest-testing

character on the show!

- Besides, you can't quit. You have a contract.

- Oh, yeah?

Well, here's what I think of your contract.

I think it's awful and I don't much care

for it at all, my good sir.

Lois, we're outta here.

Well, you put me in a very awkward position,

Peter, but I guess I have no choice.

Mom? Dad?

I'm home!

- Who are you?

- We're the Griffins.

No, you're not. You're Tom Arnold.

And you're Fran Drescher. And you're,

um, that fat guy from Boogie Nights.

And you're... the Olsen twins?

Blast! Damn you all. Victory is mine.

Whose leg do you have to hump

to get a dry martini around here?

Oh, Peter, you promised me

you wouldn't drink at the stag party.

(laughs nasally)

Ugh! I do not sound like that.

This is terrible! We're the laughing stock

of the town and we've lost our daughter.

(knocking)

- Meg!

- Oh, Mom!

Look, I don't care if you guys embarrass me.

I wanna come home.

Oh, sweetie, it's good to have you back.

Hey, honey, I'm sorry

we missed your ball game.

What?

Here's an ice cream. We love you, Meg.

I love you too.

Hey, Lois, there's a Bible in here.

Hey, look at me! I'm a Christian!

I'm reading the Bible!

Visiontext Subtitles: Abigail Smith

ENGLISH SDH

Excedrin headache number one: puppy mill.

Damn!

Does anyone here have thumbs?

Anyone? No?

Agh! Sorry, I don't play.

Hey, come on! Knock it off!

Hey, how's the flow today?

Hey, hey! Whoa!

Mom! Do something. Mom! Help!

Mom!

And that was the last time I ever saw her.

Brian, I think we've stumbled

on the root of your problems.

You have abandonment issues.

Confront your mother and deal with this.

Are you crazy? My eyes were barely open

and she just gave me away.

Well, it's her loss, right?

I turned out great, huh? Am I right?

Right? Yeah! You bet your a** I'm right.

You wanna arm wrestle? Come on, right now!

Brian, have you been drinking?

No. (exhales)

Brian, you really seem to be

enjoying your wine lately.

It's only my second glass.

Dad, if bad men broke into the house,

and they had guns,

and they put a gun up to your head

and made you choose who you wanted

to live, me or Meg, who would you choose?

Ask your mom. I'm not very good

with tough decisions.

(PA) We'll be closing in two minutes.

(moans)

I could never choose.

I love all my children equally.

It's hard enough having Stewie all the way in

Palm Springs visiting Grammy and Grandpa.

Give Nana a big hug, sweetheart.

That should guarantee

some after-dinner entertainment.

Lois, uh... I was thinking. Why don't I fly out

to Palm Springs and pick up Stewie?

- Really?

- Yeah. It's just what I need to clear my head.

That would be wonderful.

It'll give me time to catch up on my reading.

Usually there are so many distractions.

(fly buzzes)

(gunshot)

(buzzing)

(gunshot)

Come into my home, will ya?

I'll show you, you bastard.

Stewie, gather your things. Time to go.

It's about bloody time! You...

That idiot slattern sent the dog?

Oh, oh, oh! This is... this is...

Oh, don't even get me started.

I... I... I... I mean, really!

When I think of... of... of...

of the times that that woman has...

Oh, I won't even begin to... to... to...

- Can we go?

- Fine.

Peter, guess what I just got.

A relationship video.

The infomercial said this tape

will help us communicate better as a couple.

Lois, when have we ever had

trouble communicating?

- (Lois) Oh, Peter. I love you.

- (Peter) About a quarter past five.

OK, Lois. I'll make you a deal. We'll watch

the tape, but you gotta do something for me.

- OK. What?

- Do that Katharine Hepburn impression.

And Philadelphia Story Hepburn. None of

that head-on-a-slinky Golden Pond stuff.

- Sorry, little man. Everything gets x-rayed.

- Wait! There's no need to...

(sings "On the Good Ship Lollipop")

Wait here at the gate.

I gotta run a quick errand.

- Aren't you too young to be travelling alone?

- Aren't you too old to be wearing braces?

- I think you've had about enough.

- Well, I... I think you're wrong,

you increasingly attractive-Iooking woman.

- You know, you're really pretty.

- Oh, stop.

No, I'm serious. You could...

you could be in magazines. You could!

And not just like Jugs or Creamsicle.

Call me!

She won't call.

Here's a pleasant sight.

Cirrhosis the Wonder Dog.

I'm... I'm not drunk.

I just have a speech impediment.

(vomits)

And a stomach virus.

And an inner-ear infection.

(PA) Flight 85 to Providence. Final boarding.

Oh, at last!

Yes, yes. Come now. Chase the stick.

- Where are the bags?

- What do you mean, they're right here...

Rupert! I told you to watch the bags!

You were watching the boys again. It's that

steward, the one who looks like Tab Hunter.

Forget it! Let's just get

on the bloody plane and go home.

- Our tickets were in the bags.

- Flight 85 to Providence is now departing.

That's not going to stop me.

Hey!

That was my plan. Where's yours?

Oh, my God! All right, let's not dilly-dally.

Call Lois, have her wire us some money

and let's get out of here.

I... I got... I'm s...

I'm feeling... Oh!

Oh, that's pretty.

Eugh!

Hello? Operator? Hello?

Oh, that's right.

You have to punch in the numbers nowadays.

I should know this.

Oh, yes. 8675309, that's it.

No, wait. That's not it.

Damn you, Tommy Two-Tone.

(sighs) Only one thing to do.

Lois? Damn.

1111112.

Lois? Damn.

1111113.

"A way with words in marriage

for couples who communicate not good."

Oh, come on, Lois. This is gonna be worse

than when we had to watch

your Uncle's Jerry's snuff film.

Are they really gonna kill that girl?

Peter, please! People are trying to watch.

Just give it a chance.

Hello. I'm Doctor Amanda Rebecca.

By purchasing this video,

you've taken the first step

towards strengthening your relationship.

I'd like to start by asking

the women to leave the room,

because this part of the tape is for men only.

We'll see you in a little while.

I can see this is gonna be very intense.

Have fun!

Make sure your wife is out of the room.

So, you wanna talk

or you want me to take my top off?

That's what I thought. Oh, men!

You're making me so hot.

I hope you like big breasts

because mine are so big,

this itty bra can barely contain them.

- Do you wanna see more?

- Yes, please.

Then you'll have to order my next tape.

- (man) You got the stuff?

- (man #2) I got it. Where's the money?

- I wanna see the money.

- You don't see the money till I see the stuff.

There's only one way

to put an end to this nuisance.

- He's wearing a wire!

- (man #2) What? You son of a...

(gunfire)

- (thud)

- (Stewie yawns)

Ohh.

That's it, Mr Giraffe, get all the marmalade...

(phone)

(yawns)

Hello! Agh! Agh!

Damn it to pus-spewing blood-gutted hell!

What?

What do you mean,

our credit card was declined?

No, no. There's no need to come up. We'II...

Oh, blast!

Dammit!

Oh, come on, you. Get up.

Come on! Go for a ride in the car.

Blast! Ooh, a penny.

- Wake up.

- What? Ah!

Oh, my head. Oh, God.

What are we doing here?

We needed a weekend away from the kids.

- We have to get the hell out of here!

- (knocking) Motel manager.

Open up, or I'll hit you

with this blunt instrument

I use to hit deadbeats with bad credit cards.

Well, it's not an instrument.

It's more of an object.

But it's blunt. Hard and blunt.

And, well, it's kinda like a bat. I found it

out back one day when I was raking.

Let's go.

All right, we need some wheels.

- This one's unlocked.

- An SUV?

We're trying to elude someone, not drive

to soccer practice. Let's take this one.

- You like that colour?

- What's wrong with it?

- I dunno. It's so dark.

- Yes, but it doesn't show dirt.

- What?

- It doesn't show dirt.

I guess.

This is the first place we've gone to.

We should try another lot.

(clattering)

Sold.

- Go on, hot-wire it.

- Hot-wire? I don't even pump my own gas.

- Oh, for God's sake.

- Hurry up.

("Do You Really Want To Hurt Me"

by Culture Club)

- You did it.

- Put it back. I like that song.

If Montgomery Clift, who was

in From Here to Eternity with Burt Lancaster,

who was in Atlantic City

with Susan Sarandon,

who was in White Palace

with Kevin Bacon. There.

Nice, nice. Except that was

James Spader in White Palace.

- Moron.

- Ooh, Mr Snippy.

- I just need some time to think, all right.

- Yes, you've got lots to think about.

- Public drunkenness, grand theft auto.

- You left out the part where

- You smash your head on the windshield.

- I don't recall...

Yes. Well.

I suppose I walked right into that one.

(phone)

Hello.

- Lois. Hi, it's Brian.

- Let me talk to her.

Brian! We were just on our way

to the airport. Is everything OK?

Yeah. Everything's fine.

Stewie and I traded in

our plane tickets for train tickets.

Yeah. Apparently you can do that.

- Give me the damn phone!

- Little fella's asleep,

- But I'll give him that kiss.

- You suck!

See you in three days.

Let's go.

Oh, crap. We gotta disappear, and quick.

Maybe we shoulda jumped on that truck.

- Stewie and Brian are taking a train home.

- Can we not discuss curtains for a second?

I got another relationship tape.

$49.95? That's three times

as much as the first one.

Lois, our relationship

cannot be measured in nipples and dimes.

I mean nickels and boobs.

Money. I'll be upstairs.

- Peter, why are you so...

- Get out! This is a part just for the men.

- I say, there's a plane.

- If there's a plane, there's probably a pilot.

And if there's a pilot, there must be a bar.

I can get a drink.

I don't trust you. You put your seed

in my daughter's belly. You're fired.

But, Pa, you can't fire me.

You're lucky you're my brother too,

or I'd kill you.

Excuse me, sir.

I'm an experienced crop-dusting pilot.

You can trust us completely. My friend is too

young to put a seed in your daughter's belly

- And I'm of a different species.

- You're hired.

Boy, will your face be red

when they find the black box on this one.

So saturate the soil twice a day. That's

why my tomatoes haven't been coming in.

Hola. Me llamo es Brian.

Ah, let's see.

Nosotros queremos ir con ustedes.

That was pretty good. But when you said

"Me llamo es Brian", you don't need the "es".

- Just "Me llamo Brian".

- Oh, you speak English.

- No, just that first speech and this one.

- You're kidding, right?

Qu?

Senor, pare el auto!

- Why did we get off here?

- My mother lives in Austin.

Fate's brought me back here for a reason.

I have to find my mother

and make peace with her.

Oh, so she's in Austin, hm?

- Eight miles that way?

- Yes.

All right. So instead of driving down this

sun-parched highway, we've now got to walk.

- Uh... pretty much, yeah.

- You know what this means.

Yeah.

I say, walk slower, dog. My Huggies

are already holed up in Box Canyon.

(dogs yapping)

- Hello, Luke.

- Uh, have we met?

- My name's Brian. I was born here.

- Sorry, son. Lots of dogs been born here.

Refresh my memory.

Which one were you again?

- I was the one who could talk.

- Brian! Come on in!

- Betty, look who it is.

- Is that Brian?

Oh, and you brought a little friend!

Well, I bet you're a hungry little fella.

Yes, and I bet you lost your virginity

to a mechanical bull. Now change me!

Look, I've been thinking a lot

about my mother lately, and...

She was a good dog.

- "Was"? You mean...

- Last year. She went real peaceful.

Oh.

Well, she probably wouldn't have

wanted to see me anyway.

That's not true. Biscuit loved all her puppies.

Biscuit(!)

Brian, your momma gave you up

because she thought

you'd have a better life if she let you go.

Was she right, son?

Do you have a good life?

Yeah. I really do. I have a great life.

- Would you like to see her?

- "See her"? I don't understand.

We loved Biscuit so much,

we wanted to keep her with us always.

So we had her stuffed!

(gasps) Mom!

I say, someone must have said a funny,

because your mother's in stitches! (laughs)

I'll leave you to grieve.

Come on, Betty, why don't we get

these fellas some sandwiches?

Look at Jesus standing over there

all by himself.

You'd think those bulldogs would invite

him to their card game.

You deserve better than this, Mom.

This is actually a rather elegant solution

for my problem of what to do with Lois.

Shut up and help me.

I'm not leaving her here.

Oh, relax. Old girl doesn't have

too much to wag about these days, anyway.

Hey, Meg. Try to guess the word

I'm thinking of right now.

And it's not "kitty".

- "Car".

- No.

- I dunno. "Apple".

- No. Give up?

- Yeah.

- It was "kitty"!

- Peter...

- Oh, my God! The new video! Life is sweet!

How about some whipped cream?

Oh, that's always good.

- And some cinnamon.

- Oh! That's good too.

And then guess what? I'm going to add...

Oh, jeez, if she says "Mrs Dash",

I'm gonna lose it.

We're going to add...

- Peter!

- Agh!

I know what you've been doing,

and I'm very upset with you.

Wow. Usually beautiful women don't turn

back into you until after I'm finished.

These tapes are about communication.

If you wanted to see a woman acting nasty...

you shoulda told me.

- This is hot.

- Turn around.

Lois! Ah, this is not what it looks like.

She means nothing to me.

- Peter, it's OK.

- Yeah?

I was trying to be sexy for ya.

Ahh! Come here, you!

You shoulda told me...

You shoulda told me...

I'm gonna get directions to the nearest park

so we can give my mother a proper burial.

Come on, darling. Stiff upper lip(!)

(cackles)

I'm writing that one down.

(sighs)

- Say something.

- What?

- Just say something, please!

- Oh, for God's sake.

Um... Uh...

Yea, and God said to Abraham

you will kill your son Isaac.

And Abraham said "I can't hear you."

"You'll have to speak into the microphone."

And God said "Oh, I'm sorry. Is this better?"

"Check, check."

"Jerry, pull the high end out.

I'm still getting some hiss back."

- Say something about my mother!

- Oh, yes. I'm sorry.

Um... Uh...

I never knew Biscuit as a dog,

but I did know her as a table.

She was sturdy,

all four legs the same length...

Thanks. That's enough.

Yes, yes. Requiem and terra pax,

and so forth. Amen.

Wow, look at all those stars.

I've read that starlight gives you cancer.

Then again, what doesn't these days?

Listen, there's something I've been meaning

to tell you. It's not easy for me to say.

Oh, God. You're not coming

out of the closet, are you?

Why does everyone always come out to me?

I just wanted to thank you

for everything you did today.

- I know this whole trip has been a mess.

- Well, it hasn't been all bad.

I must admit there have been some moments

that were, dare I say, fun.

We're off on the road to Rhode Island

We're having the time of our lives

- Take it, dog!

- We're quite a pair of partners

Just like Thelma and Louise

'Cept you're not six feet tall

- And your breasts don't reach your knees.

- Give it time.

We're off on the road to Rhode Island

We're certainly going in style

I'm with an intellectual

- Who craps inside his pants

- How dare you?

At least I don't leave urine stains

on all the household plants

Oh, pee jokes.

We've travelled a bit and we've found

Like a masochist in Newport,

we're Rhode-Island bound

- Crazy travel conditions.

- First class and no class.

Careful with that joke-it's an antique.

We're off on the road to Rhode Island

We're not gonna stop till we're there

Maybe for a beer.

Whatever dangers we may face

- We'll never fear or cry

- That's right!

Until we're syndicated,

Fox will never let us die

- Please?

- We're off on the road to Rhode Island

The home of that old campus swing

We may pick up some college girls

And picnic on the grass

We'd tell you more

but we would have the censors on our a**

We certainly do get around

Like renegade Pilgrims

thrown out of Plymouth Colony.

We're Rhode Island-bound

Like two college freshmen who were rejected

by Harvard and forced to go to Brown.

We're Rhode Island-bound

Look who I found at the train station!

My baby! Mommy missed you so much.

God forbid you should have

put a little eyeliner on for my homecoming.

Did you have a nice trip with Brian?

Yes, smooth sailing through calm seas.

Hey, kid! Thanks for not ratting me out.

Is there anything I can do to pay you back?

Oh, yes. You remember that episode of The

Brady Bunch where Bobby saved Greg's life,

- And Greg became his slave?

- Yep.

It's on this afternoon. You can tape it for me.

And put a nice label on it.

OK, Meg. I'm thinking of another word.

This time it's definitely not "kitty".

- Can you guess what it is?

- Is it "kitty"?

Uh! Get out of my head!

Get out of my head!

Visiontext Subtitles: Julie Clayton

ENGLISH SDH

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those

good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively

can do all the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

Cuando la jefe oye de esto somos muertos!

Recuerda si yo cierra la puerta

de la garaje esta manana?

(croaking)

Dude, the Bronze Age

was so much cooler than the Iron Age.

The Iron Age could kick

the Bronze Age's butt any day of the week.

- Could not!

- Could too!

Ew, gross, man!

- You OK?

- Whoa! Everything's so... significant.

- Dude, you gotta try this.

- Not even! It's got your germs on it.

Not this end.

Ahh! I can see the air!

And you know what else?

I finally get Aaron Sorkin's Sports Night.

It's a comedy that's too good to be funny.

Dude, you're trippin'!

Double the freshness, life is more fun

When you're chewing

the great taste of Doublefresh gum

La-la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

With Doublefresh gum!

Hey, we should go to the circus.

In local news, a new drug craze may have

Quahog students licked. It's called "toad".

The Colombian spotted toad, to be precise.

When licked, these toads trigger an intense

psychedelic euphoria that's... that's just great.

This is awful. Now the drugs

are in the schools?

For you parents, toad-licking

is also known as lily-padding,

Frenching the prince, and doing Kermit.

Well, at least our kids know better.

What the...? Aargh!

Hello, little sea monkeys.

He's back. Don't look at him, honey.

Eat your potatoes.

(echoing thud)

- Steve, do something.

- Brenda, we've been over this.

Let's just pick up our plates

and go eat in the hollow castle.

- Young man, where did you get this toad?

- It's not mine.

Believe me, you don't wanna mess with

drugs. I tried 'em once-big mistake.

Things got way too real.

Holy crap, I am freakin' out!

Peter, may I? You're walking down a hallway.

You take a left. You keep walking.

- Take a right. Then a left. Brick wall!

- Yargh!

- Yeah, he's tweaked.

- Am not! Hey, maybe it's Meg's toad.

Oh, now, don't you try to palm this off

on your sister. She's a good girl.

Oh, yeah? What about the time

she strangled our other sister?

Now, Chris, we told you

that was just a very bad dream.

- But I remember it so...

- (both) It was a dream!

- Mom, can you sign this for my field trip?

- Sure, sweetheart. (gasps)

Meg, you have a wart!

How could you bring a toad into this house?

It's not mine. I was just holding it for a friend.

See... it was lunchtime.

OK, Connie, you're up.

Connie Demico does toad?

I guess Miss Wears-A-Hat-All-The-Time

is gonna nark on us, aren't you?

- Mr Berler's coming!

- Oh, man, we are so busted!

Put it in here. He won't check me.

What's going on back here? Oh, hello, Megan.

Wait, you're not part of the popular clique.

Run along and play alone somewhere. Shame

on you all, getting her hopes up like that.

I thought if I held Connie's toad,

she'd make one of the cool guys

ask me to the Snow Ball.

You're holding drugs so someone

will invite you to a dance?

Meg, haven't we taught you better than that?

Hold on, Lois. People do a lot of

crazy things just to be accepted.

(laughs) I don't know about this.

We all did it. If you want to be

a Supreme Court justice,

you gotta pick up that cherry

with your butt cheeks and drop it in that beer.

- Come on! Come on!

- Go, Suitor! Get busy!

- Go, Suitor! Go, Suitor!

- Cherry! Cherry! Cherry!

Oh, my God! I can't believe he did that!

- Go, Suitor! Go, Suitor!

- Get busy! Get busy!

Ohhh!

I can't believe he did that!

I can't believe he did that! This guy is so in!

Oh, sweetheart, I'm sure all the boys

wanna ask you to the dance.

They're probably just shy or scared.

Yeah, I was terrified of askin'

Phoebe Diamond to the prom.

I finally got up the guts,

but I had this damn nervous twitch.

- Um, Ph-Ph-Phoebe?

- Yeah?

Uh, I was wonderin' if... if... if you'd, uh,

d-do me the honour of, uh...

I had such a crush on her.

Until I met you, Lois.

You're my silver medal.

Mr Toad, how many licks of you does it take

to get to the centre

of a Rhode Island state prison?

(man) Just one.

How could this happen? I thought

we lived in such a nice small town.

There's no such thing. Things

are different than when we were kids.

- Well, it just makes me sad.

- It makes me sad too, but, uh, you know.

I mean, if Meg's at risk, then so is Chris, and

Stewie'll be in preschool before we know it.

Well, we just have to trust

our kids to stay off drugs.

I do trust our kids.

It's the other kids I don't trust.

Yeah. Yeah, well, you know, I guess it's up to

us as parents to be a part of the solution.

- I'll go talk to the principal tomorrow.

- Thanks, honey.

- The safety word is banana.

- I love you.

And that's my plan, Principal Shepherd.

So, are you with me?

But... you didn't tell me anything. You just

sat down and said "And that's my plan."

Oh. Oh, right. OK, here's my idea.

- And that's my plan, Principal Shepherd.

- Well, Mr Griffin, I don't like it.

(phone rings)

I love it! You have the faculty's full support.

But how will you pull it off?

You let me worry about that, kitten.

- (imitates screeching tyres)

- Great.

Hey, Meg. What's got four arms,

four legs and one set of lips?

You and me at the Winter Snow Ball.

Heh-heh!

Look, Neil, I don't... Oh, my God!

Dad? Dad?!

I'm not responding because

I'm not this "Dad" person.

I'm the new kid in town, Lando Griffin.

Are you crazy? What are you doing here?

I've gone undercover

to get rid of the toad problem,

so your school can be safe

and innocent like the good old days.

Negative B plus or minus

radical B squared minus 4AC over 2A.

That's correct. A girl answered a math

problem. You know what that means.

A witch!

- Witch! She's a witch!

- Witch!

Witch!

God, please tell me I have a brain tumour and

this is all just a side effect from the chemo.

- Hey, what are you doin' in my locker?

- Your locker?

Say, Phil, what do you say

to happy hour after work?

I'd say Cheryl's gonna have another

black eye to explain to the neighbours.

- Come on, I'm buyin'.

- Oh, yeah.

- Hey, man, cool specs.

- Thanks, G.

I'm the new kid in town, Lando Griffin.

No relation. So, tell me, homeboy, how 'bout

the baggy clothes we kids are wearin'?

Aren't they phat and stupid

and poppin' fresh?

Hey, does anybody have any drugs?

I'm lookin' to score some drugs.

- Dad, get away from me. Connie is looking.

- So that's toad girl, huh?

Yeah. And that's Connie.

I see. Well, I'm gonna have

a little talk with that Connie.

Huh! Good luck.

She only talks to the cool kids.

- Oh, yeah? Watch this.

- No!

Heeey!

Agh! Agh! Ow! Oh, God! Agh! Ow! Ow!

- Cool! He's bleeding!

- Just like in the movies!

Hm.

Holy crap, it's The Breakfast Club.

You know what I got for Christmas?

It was a banner year at the Tiger house.

I got a carton of cigarettes. Old man

grabbed me, said "Hey, smoke up, Tony."

"They're grrreat!" Bastard.

(boy) Hey, Lando.

Everyone's talking about how you

trashed the jukebox. Classic cool.

- We're gonna do some toad. You in?

- You're gonna do toad?!

- What's the big deal?

- Lemme tell you about it, stud.

You'll get chills

All through your body

And you'll lose all control

Of your bladder

And your sphincter

That's your butt hole!

Cos if you use toad

Then I'm tellin' you

You can kiss your life goodbye

Yeah, when you use toad

It'll mess you up

It'll make your mama cry

That's no lie

You'll choke on your tongue and die

Gotta give it up

Give up the toad now

It's no joke

Buddy, give it up

Gotta give up the toad now

Or you'll croak

Buddy, give it up

You gotta give up the toad now

And don't smoke

Or you'll see

It hurts to pee

There'll be blood

Gushin' from ya

Every time that you cough

And forget gettin' lucky

It falls off

Yeah, you'd better wise up

Cos I'm tellin' you

Toad is what Lando forbids

Gotta give it all up

Or you're gonna see

Your whole life will hit the skids

And your kids will be born without eyelids

Gotta give it up

Give up the toad now

Thanks to you, Lando

Give it up

Give up the toad now

Thanks to you, Lando

Give it up

Gotta give up the toad now

Ooh, ooh, ooh

I'm no fool

Lando's cool

Yeah!

- You're the coolest, Lando.

- Yeah.

We never broke into song and dance

before you arrived.

I'll never touch another toad. None of us will.

- Yeah.

- No way, man.

- I know I won't.

- You never did it in the first place.

- God! You're such a wannabe loser.

- Oh, yeah? If I'm such a loser,

how come I'm going to

the Snow Ball with Lando?

Meg, you got a date?!

Oh, wait till I tell your mother!

Who I'm looking forward to meeting.

And I hope is making Steak Ums tonight.

- Hey, Meg, wanna ditch and go to the mall?

- Sure! See ya, Lando.

This is great. Not only did I live long

enough to see Meg go to her first dance,

but I'm takin' her too. Thanks, Geritol.

And they swore they'd never do toad again.

Dad never came to sing at my school.

I don't want dessert!

I tell you, Lois, high school's

a lot more fun this time around.

And it's a lot safer now that all the kids

have guns. And today in study hall,

I farted real loud on purpose

to make the guys laugh,

and I swear to God it was so heinous Susie

Johnson ralphed up her Salisbury steak.

I'm sorry, is this really

proper dinner conversation?

I'm glad you taught those kids

they don't have to do drugs to be popular.

He sure did! Who needs drugs when you go

to the dance with the coolest guy in school?

Going with Dad is gonna skyrocket

me up the popularity food chain.

It's true. Soon members of the math club will

be attaching themselves to your underbelly.

Wait a minute. Peter, you can't

take Meg to a school dance.

How long do you think

you can keep up this charade?

Just till Friday! Please, Mom?

- Well, if this is what you want.

- (phone rings)

Oh, it's probably Connie calling for me.

Hello?

Oh. Yeah, hold on. It's for Lando.

Aloha!

No way!

Uh... uh, hold on. I'm gonna

take this in the other room.

I got it!

Hang up!

Mother, this could almost have

passed for a palatable banana pudding,

but without Nilla wafers, it's just another one

of your wretched culinary abortions!

Clean it up!

I don't think so.

Neil, I'm a little out of your league.

Besides, I'm going with Lando.

Really? My underground

sources have informed me

that Lando is taking Connie Demico.

What?!

Hey, I thought you were

taking me to the dance!

Uh...

Something suddenly came up.

- How could you do this to Meg?

- Not now, I gotta write about Oliver Twist.

Oliver Twit, if you ask me. I would have done

things rather differently, I can tell you that.

Please, sir, I want some more.

- What?

- Please, sir, I want some more.

More?!

All right. Stop it. Stop it right there.

Now, go on, fill up the bowl.

Go on! That's it.

Now put on this dress.

Put it on!

Now dance.

Hey. Hey, Brian, the guy who wrote this,

his name? Charles Dickens.

- Oh, yeah.

- I want an explanation, mister.

Hey, Connie pulled a power move.

When the most popular girl in school

asks you to the dance, you don't say no,

you say "Haba-haba-haba... OK."

I can't understand why you'd dump

your daughter for Connie Demico.

It's simple transference.

To Peter, Connie Demico is Phoebe Diamond,

the most popular girl in his school.

Oh, my God. I think he's right.

When I try to speed things up in bed, I'm not

thinkin' of Connie, I'm thinkin' of Phoebe.

This whole thing is ridiculous.

I forbid you from goin' to that dance.

You can't tell me what to do.

You're not my real mom!

- End of discussion!

- Thank you for ruining my life!

You don't remember

what it's like to be my age!

I'm two years younger than you!

I hate you!

Greg Allman, how did you handle it

when life got you down?

Me? I did a lot of drugs,

married some broad named Cher...

and I wouldn't recommend either one of 'em.

I gotta fight for my right to party.

Whoa-ah! Argh!

- Thanks, Spider-Man.

- Everybody gets one.

- Sweetie?

- You married a total jerk!

Honey, he didn't mean to hurt you. And,

you know, you could still go to the dance.

Alone? Why don't I just tattoo

a big L on my forehead while I'm at it?

- Now, Meg, you know my feelings on tattoos.

- (Meg sniffs)

If you stay home, you're just proving to

the other kids that you don't belong there.

- Yeah.

- And you might have a really good time.

I'll tell you one thing.

I still regret not goin' to my junior dance.

But, Daddy, if you don't do

what they say, they'll kill me!

Sorry, pumpkin, we don't negotiate

with kidnappers-family policy.

Daddy, no. Please! Please!

She'll be all right.

Come on, what do you say?

Well... I do have that

really slutty dress you hate.

So, uh, Lando, how old

did you say you were again?

17.

And a half. (gasps)

Sweet statutory, you look beautiful!

Don't worry, I'll take good care of your kid.

I got a daughter of my own, you know.

(Peter) Please leave the light off.

I don't want to be seen.

I imagine you wouldn't,

the way you've been acting.

- I thought you might say something like that.

- Well, you do have it coming.

I convinced Meg to go to the dance,

so I'm gonna go drop her off.

Please don't yell. I've learned my lesson.

- I wasn't yelling. I was just sayin' that...

- Oh, you would bring that up.

- Can't you leave the past where it belongs?

- What's wrong with you?

Because I've already explained that to you.

It was a scavenger hunt.

What the hell is goin' on here?

Lois, if you still haven't discovered I'm gone,

please flip the tape over to side B.

("Get Outta my Dreams, Get Into my Car"

by Billy Ocean)

Nice moves, Lando.

OK, everyone. The votes are in.

This year's king and queen are...

Lando Griffin and Connie Demico!

Oh, my goodness! Oh!

Hold it. I can't be your king.

I have a confession. I've been living a lie!

I shouldn't be here... with Connie.

- My first choice was Meg Griffin.

- What?

Meg Griffin! She's right

over there in the back.

Ri... No, no, no, to the left. No, no,

you had her. No, no, go back, go back.

You got a monkey workin' the spotlight.

No, to the right, genius. Th-there. Stop. Stop.

That's my dream girl. But I'm not

good enough for her and she dumped me.

So now, heartbroken, I will ride recklessly

into the night and up Dead Man's Curve.

Goodbye, Meg. I love you.

(rockabilly ballad)

- Meg, wanna dance?

- I was here first. Meg, dance with me?

- Neil, would you...?

- I would be honoured.

Thanks!

And Lando Griffin,

a popular student at a local high school,

was killed last night when his motorcycle

careened off Dead Man's Curve.

Police were baffled when no body was found,

but they decided not to ask questions

and just let everyone get on with their lives.

- I'm so proud of you.

- Oh, Daddy, thank you so much!

- I was the most popular girl at the dance.

- Oh, anything for you, sweetheart.

Well, I'm off to popularity. Ciao!

God, I hate that manly walk of hers.

("Don't You (Forget About Me)"

by Simple Minds)

Visiontext Subtitles: Kerrie Slavin

ENGLISH SDH

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those

good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively

can do all the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

Billiam, are you there?

Stewie!

- Wh-what the devil are you doing here?

- Billiam sent me.

He wanted me to tell you I killed him.

Now give me the other half of the amulet.

I don't think you'll be making it to Marrakech.

Don't! Please!

No!

Jeffrey, take the 9pm to Hounslow

out of your mouth.

Oh, look at that.

Our little boys are becomin' fast friends.

I say, Jeffrey, be a sport, will you, and go get

the sifter so we can build our sand village.

That's right. A little further.

Everyone, meet Jeffrey, the newest member

of the club of forgotten children.

Steve walks warily down the street

with his brim pulled way down low

- What the hell are you doing?

- Takin' down the Christmas decorations.

(music in headphones gets louder)

Peter, I'm concerned about Stewie. He

doesn't seem to play well with other children.

Oh, he's fine. You know, I was quite

a troublemaker myself when I was a kid.

Your parents'll be home any minute.

Are you sure you don't want me to clean up?

No, no, no. Go. Go. It'll be funny.

Stewie needs to learn

to socialise with other children.

- Maybe we should put him in daycare.

- Lois, his answers are out on the open road.

I say we give him a hobo pack on a stick,

a can of beans and a pocketful of dreams.

Peter, do you even know which one

of our children I'm talking about?

Gordon?

I got 'em! Ha-ha-ha! It's just like hunting.

Chris, stop it.

What will the neighbours think?

Abner! Abner! The Griffin boy

just killed a plastic reindeer!

Gladys, it took me two hours to work up

the courage to rent this porno.

Now, are you gonna watch it with me or not?

OK, Mommy's leaving you here for a while.

Try to play nice with the other children.

What do you mean, you're leaving me here?

What is this place?

- (man) Come on, let go.

- Why, you soulless witch!

This is a biogenetic

experimentation facility, isn't it? Admit it!

Oh, sweetheart, don't be upset.

You're gonna have fun here.

Look, if this is about the whole

me-killing-you thing, it was a bit!

I was doing shtick, I tell you!

Humina-humina-humina!

Oh! I'm so bored. Without Stewie around,

I have nothin' to do.

- Well... we could get hammered.

- Oh, it's too early for me, but you go ahead.

(sighs) What happened to me?

You know, before I was married,

I led a very exciting life.

Oh, my God! The actress who was

the girl in Escape from Witch Mountain!

Maybe a part-time job

would liven up your days.

Brian! That's a terrific idea!

A job? Lois, the '70s are over. Forget it.

Mom, you can't get a job.

The last time you left Dad home alone,

he turned the house into a giant puppet.

Hey. Hey! Stay outta here. Hey!

Nobody better come in here.

I'm the Griffins' house.

Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry.

Uh... If you get a job,

who's gonna feed me and protect me

from the evil monkey in my closet?

Now, Chris, you know there's no such thing.

No! (wails)

- Oh, now you've gone and upset the boy.

- Peter, this is a new chapter in my life.

The kids are growin', the nest is empty,

and I need some excitement.

What are you talkin' about?

Your life is plenty exciting. For example...

There you go! Good night.

Duck.

Duck. Duck.

I say, does anyone know how

The Practice ended last night? I dozed off.

Goose!

Oh, dear. It seems you're still it.

(giggling)

(laughs)

Stewie, what have you done?

That's not the way we play.

You sit here, Brad. Stewie's it.

Ooh! Aren't you the one in charge!

Oh, let's see, now. Duck. Duck.

Duck.

- Goose!

- (wails)

Oh, come on, now. I barely touched you.

Really. Stop it. Stop your boohooing.

Stop it, I say. Stop it!

You see? You see? This is exactly

why people don't respect the WNBA.

Hey, guys, guys, get this.

So Lois wants a part-time job, right?

So I'm, like, I got a job

for you, baby... right here!

The zipper's been broken for over a month.

I gotta use a damn safety pin.

If Lois is lookin' for a thrill,

I could get her a job with the airline.

Stewardesses get to travel to exotic places,

and their husbands fly anywhere for free.

Fly for free?

Sorry, Tink. Looks like

I don't need you any more.

So, what? You're just gonna dump me?

Just like that?

You knew what this was.

A flight attendant? Wow, that does sound

exciting. What made you change your mind?

- Just my desire to see you happy.

- Oh!

And to exploit your hard labour for free

travel.

- What?

- Shh!

I didn't say anything.

Go to sleep, crazy lady.

(snores)

Oh, Rupert, I can't sleep. I don't suppose

you have any Valium on you?

No, of course not. You're living the clean life

now. It's that pathetic little insect in daycare.

Janet.

Whining, insignificant wisp of fluff, she is.

Still, I find it odd that she's even on my mind

at all. What the deuce has come over me?

(Brian) Well, well, well.

- Looks like someone's in love.

- Ha! That's so funny I forgot to laugh.

- Excluding that first "Ha".

- You're a sucker for a woman with blue eyes.

- Aha! Her eyes are green!

- Thank you for proving my point.

Damn!

Look at her, Leonard, sitting there

with her curly ebony locks

and those pouty come-hither lips.

My God, she's unappealing.

- Go!

- Who said that? Mm?

Who's got the big diapers? Huh?

She's gone. Good. Well, I'm off.

Hi, Stewie.

H... Um... Er... Y-y...

Leonard, you pudgy-faced apple-john,

I will not be made a fool of!

Here's your pillow, sir.

And your Sports Illustrated.

- He's putting his arm on my armrest.

- It's my armrest.

Is not, stupid head! And he keeps

tryin' to take my apple juice.

- I'll bring you your own juice.

- Agh!

Hey, he keeps licking his finger

and touching me!

Hey, fellas, I hope you're hungry. Aagh!

Oh, my God! Oh, no, my Go...

Somebody help. Help. Help!

(sniggers)

That was great.

Look at her, she's still shakin'.

Bastards.

That was beautiful.

Hey, throw me a beer, would ya?

Stewardess, the plane just made

my beer spill. I want a free one.

Sir, all your beers have been free.

All nine of them.

And don't you forget it, Frenchie.

Now bring me another one -

the movie's startin'.

Oh, come on.

Show me Morgan Fairchild in

deep something. Huh? Huh? Huh?

Ah, you don't care.

Hey, Frenchie, is my fort ready?

Yes, Mr Griffin, even though

no one else has any pillows now.

All right!

I tell you, Leonard,

women are wicked creatures.

They precipitated the downfall

of history's most powerful men!

So let it be known I want absolutely nothing

to do with the wretched enterprise of love!

Janet's coming.

Agh!

Argh!

Aa... Er, yes. Yes.

Hi. Cookie?

No, no, actually, it's Stewie, but, well,

you can call me Cookie if you like.

Yes. I... Yes, I've also been known to answer

to Artemis, Agent Buchwald and Snake.

Yes. Yes, I rather like "Snake".

Snake Griffin.

Cookie!

Oh! Oh, you want my cookie?

Oh, yes, by all means. Here you are.

Oops, a little bit broke off there.

Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles!

Yes. Yes. Yes, you'II... you'll get that one

halfway back to your mat. Ha! Ha... Oh, God.

Oh, Cupid, hast thou pierced me

with thine sweet, searing arrow?

Stomach, cease thy lustful quake.

Argh! Unhand me, woman.

I don't have gas, I'm in love!

(burps)

Well, then, I guess it's both.

Peter! I'm home!

(sighs) How was your day?

Uh, my day?

Hey. Hey.

You OK there, Mr Crocodile? Huh?

Wake up, wake up, wake up.

You need some lotion, Mr Bad Skin?

Huh? Huh? Huh? There you go.

Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh!

Oh, God! Oh, God! Agh! Agh! Agh!

Oh, uh, my-my-my day was OK.

You know, the usual. How about yours,

my little sky princess? Bet it was excitin'.

Oh, yeah, if you like runnin' through

a gauntlet of drunk, horny businessmen.

My a** feels like a pincushion.

I'm thinkin' of quittin'.

What? Lois, you can't quit.

What if Kurt Cobain had quit?

Thank you. And remember, say no to drugs.

Kurt, the label's excited

about your seventh album.

Thanks. You remember

my wife Courtney Love?

Who?

(sighs) Well, I guess I'll give it a little

more time. It's like I always tell the kids -

- A quitter never wins, and don't trust whitey.

- That's the spirit.

All right, here I go.

- Stewie!

- Hello, Janet. How about a push?

Argh!

Yes. Yes, I suppose that was

rather funny, wasn't it?

You know, it's odd, Janet, but when

I'm with you, I... Oh, how do I describe it?

(sings "You Make Me Feel So Young")

- (speaks Arabic)

- Excuse me?

- I said "May I have a blanket?"

- Oh, yes. Of course.

Ha! I said "Will you be my wife?" You said

yes, so it is official. Let me touch your face.

Lois, we could use your help in coach.

OK. Everyone? It's time

for my one-man show -

"Winston Churchill, We Hardly Knew Ye".

OK, Act One.

I'm Winston Churchill.

Ooh, would you like some tea?

I would, because I'm Winston Churchill.

Would you like a crumpet?

I would, because I'm Winston Churchill.

Would you like to wear knickers?

I would, because I'm W...

- My wife is very ill!

- Yes, do you mind?

I paid $380 for this flight.

$380? Jeez, I hope they kissed you first.

This is my fourth trip today.

Just this mornin' I went to Kentucky.

Wait a second. You're tellin' me I flew all the

way to Kentucky to get some fried chicken,

and the Colonel isn't even workin' today?

He ain't real. He dead.

- What?

- I say he dead.

Is Mr Sanders in?

What wrong with you? I say you he dead.

The Colonel!

My wife is a stewardess, so I can

fly anywhere and I don't pay jack!

- Peter!

- Lois!

You convinced me to keep a job I hate

just so you could fly free?!

If I talked real loud like that,

I could make you look like the bad guy.

My feet are killing me,

I've got vomit in my pocket

and I've seen that crappy

Julia Roberts movie 47 times!

Have you seen the lips on that woman?

It's like a baboon's a** on her face!

Peter, I took this job for the excitement,

and you're the one who's havin' it all!

Oh, it's excitement you want, huh? Well,

how'd you like to join the Mile High Club?

Come on. You be the stewardess, and I'll be

the mysterious stranger who's drillin' you.

- Ugh! Move. I have a lot of work to do.

- I can't, I'm stuck.

- The passengers need me.

- They're watchin' the movie. They're fine.

OK, everyone, this is a hijacking.

Peter, could you move your arm, please?

- Uh. Yeah. Lois. Lois.

- Please. Move it over. Try to the...

- God, it's like movin' a futon.

- Lois!

- Just slide your leg over... Peter, please!

- Oh. Oh, no, no. Oh! Oh!

Well, Lois, at least one of us

is in the Mile High Club.

(Lois groans)

Well, the hijacking of Flight 52 is over.

The plane has safely landed in Cuba,

and all Americans aboard are on

their way home, except one couple -

a fat man who is inexplicably

married to an attractive redhead.

Here's an artist's rendering

of what they might look like.

I called Brian. He's gonna watch the kids till

we get back. When will our passports arrive?

- Check back in two weeks.

- Two weeks?! But I have a baby at home!

We would have sent you with the others, but

we didn't know you were stuck in the toilet.

- We weren't doin' what you're thinking.

- I was.

- We apologise for the hijacking.

- Ah, that's OK.

You people aren't like

the communists they show on TV.

(man) We now return to "The Communists".

I hear report cards vere handed out today.

Vot were your grades?

Uh... uh... uh...

- Qvit Stalin and answer your father.

- (canned laughter)

- Go ahead, honey, and tell us your... Marx.

- (canned laughter)

- Do I Khrushchev?

- Did somebody say Khrushchev?

(dance music)

I say, Janet, do you like this couch?

Oh, you truly are beautiful, you know that?

- Oh, Janet, our future is so bright.

- Cookie?

Oh, yes, there'll be lots of cookies.

There'll be dancing, Christmas mornings,

and arguments over the proper

way to discipline the children, and...

What are you doing? What the hell is this?

Is there something you need to tell me? If I'm

the only one in this thing, I deserve to know.

I see. Your silence says it all.

(lively Cuban music)

This is great. How the hell

are we supposed to get home?

We gotta get some fake passports

on the black market.

Where are you going?

You're never gonna find the black market.

That's what you said about

that back-alley abortionist.

I'm glad you changed your mind.

But the point is, I found the guy.

OK, there she is. (laughs) That is...

That is absolutely classic!

Melinda, you're an utter delight.

Oh, hello, Janet. Yes. Yes, you know Melinda.

Yes, it seems she's, um... Oh, what did we

figure out, dear? Was it one? No, two. Yes.

She's two weeks younger than you.

Just look at that butt. That is a tight butt.

Damn! Not even a second glance.

This is what you call dolled up? Why don't

you save yourself years of sexual ambiguity

and get fitted for a pair of Doc Martens

and a plaid flannel shirt?

There it is. The black market.

Lois, if we don't make it outta here alive,

I should tell ya I promised my first girlfriend

we'd meet up in heaven.

I was lyin', but just so you know

it's somethin' we might have to deal with.

(Cuban-style Muzak)

OK. Two American passports.

Would you like to join the black market club?

- Ten per cent off your first purchase.

- No, thank you. We're not from the area.

Peter, just pay the man.

- Do you accept bits of string?

- Sorry. Store policy.

But, you know, there is

another way for you to travel.

It's over, Leonard. I suppose

I should be grateful to that saucy harlot.

She taught me a valuable lesson.

There's really no such thing as love.

It's just a word used by Madison Avenue

to sell their skin creams and two-seater cars.

Argh! It's no use! She swims

in my blood now. I must have her!

Darling, why are we tormenting ourselves?

We're perfect for each other.

I admit we've got our problems,

like any couple, but true love conquers all!

- I like you.

- You... like me?

Oh! Oh, well, it's not love, but it's a start.

Oh, Janet, you've made me

the happiest man in the whole world.

- Cookie?

- Of course you can have a cookie! Stay there.

Cookie.

Cookie?

Cookie?

Cookie?

You don't care about me. It's my cookies!

It's always been the damn cookies!

Well, sugar, the bakery just closed.

You'll have to get your fill somewhere else,

you oatmeal-raisin-Ioving tart!

Don't let her see you cry, old man.

Don't let her see you cry.

Well, we're finally goin' home.

I'm sorry I tricked you into that job, honey.

You deserve to have a more excitin' life.

Oh, Peter, bein' married to you

gives me all the excitement I can handle.

I mean, look at us-on a boat

in the middle of the Atlantic,

under the moonlight,

surrounded by refugees.

Yeah. Uh, about that. Uh...

Miguel over there has had his eye on you,

and his wife Rosa is very open.

- What?

- No, nothin'. This is nice.

Visiontext Subtitles: Kerrie Slavin

ENGLISH SDH

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those

good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively

can do all the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

Wakey, wakey, worthless domestic.

Time to make the inedible gruel.

Mommy wants to rest for

a few more minutes, honey.

(fake wail)

Blast!

Whaddaya doin' lyin' on the couch

at this hour? You been drinkin'?

- Peter, you know I never drink.

- Just like you never dodged the draft?

What are you talkin' about? I'm a woman.

Sure you are... now.

Peter, I'm exhausted.

I've been in and outta taxis all day.

Stewie had a doctor's appointment,

then I had to pick Meg up after school.

I had rehearsal for Death of a Salesman,

but we can't show death at school,

so now at the end,

we dance around with sparklers.

Peter, we really need a second car.

Trying to do all these errands

in a taxi is exhausting.

Oh, but you meet such colourful characters

in taxis, like Alex Rieger and Tony.

And that funny foreign guy, in the garage.

Rieger, cab 402. Nardo, you and

your luscious melons are in 315.

- Now get outta here, you losers.

- What about the foreign guy?

No way. He's a nut job.

Show some compassion

for once in your miserable life.

All right, can the waterworks,

Jackie Chan, cab 302.

Ayii-a!

- (cheering)

- Thank you very much.

Peter, please. I saw an ad

for a used car that would be perfect.

Oh, no, Lois. A guy at work bought a car

outta the paper. Ten years later, bam! Herpes.

I'm buying our car

from a dealer and that's that.

Oh, look. Oh, aren't you beautiful?

Yeah. Yeah, you like that, don't ya?

Yeah, you're a bad little car.

What's that? What's that?

You want me inside ya?

Peter, look at this one. It's safe

and reliable and we can afford it.

I'll just see if I can find a salesman.

Hey, I'm Doug, nice to meet ya.

Whoa, have you lost weight?

It's still there. I'm parting it on the side.

We were more interested

in that car over there.

- Lois, let me handle this.

- Peter, this car has dents in it.

And it's got a cardboard steering wheel.

- Yeah, just a second, honey.

- And, look, there's no engine.

- It just has a drawing of an engine.

- But it only had one previous owner.

- James Bond.

- I'll take it.

OK, let's see what this baby can do, eh?

Ha! Well, I'm sure the dealer

will take care of it.

Lois, this is crazy.

There's no way we can have maritals

with you lying all the way over there.

I am very upset with you right now.

OK, so I tried on your bra.

Jeez, the fellas were puttin' on a show.

I didn't think I'd make a good Gigi either,

but, God help me, I was flattered.

Peter, I'm upset because

you never listen to me.

This is Atlantic City all over again.

- You've got 20.

- Hit me.

- 21.

- Hit me. Hit me.

- That's 30.

- Hit me.

Ha! You're just mad about the car.

Don't worry. I'll think of a way to fix it.

No, we'll think of a way to fix it.

I'm tired of being left out

of all our decision making.

OK, honey.

- (high-pitched squeals)

- (Peter) By the way, I bought a chimp.

Hey, Peter, you want a menu,

or just the usual everything?

- Aw, shut up, Cleveland.

- Wanna talk about it, champ?

Lois has had the car all week

and it's just been hell gettin' around.

I actually had to rent a Mustang.

All because I can't afford

to get our new car fixed.

Why don't you just get another new car?

Why don't you try a breath mint, saucy?

I'm just sayin' that

me and my associates will steal your car,

and ipso facto your insurance

company'll buy you another one.

Peter, you don't wanna

get involved with the Mob.

Who are you? Who are you?

Who are you? Who are you?

- I'm the proprietor of this delicatessen.

- Butt out, shlomo. All I need is your address.

- You can jot it down on the back of my gun.

- Well, you do have an honest face.

Ah, crap. I made a mistake.

Do you have another gun?

Dharma, come down from there. Wow,

I can't get over what a free spirit you are.

(canned laughter)

Lois, can you go down to the basement and

do somethin' really loud and complicated

for the next 15 minutes?

- That's a fine machine, Peter.

- Peter, how can we afford this?

Let's just say the car was a steal.

- Say that again.

- The car was a steal.

- This time without winking.

- The car was a steal.

Wink.

Look, Lois, we had a broken car, I did

"something", and now we have a new car.

- Look, I said I'd handle it, and I did.

- I suppose you did.

I just wish my opinion mattered to you.

Well, the important thing is it matters to you.

And that's the greatest gift of all.

Hey, Cleveland, check out my on-board

computer navigation system. Standard.

- (computer) Left turn ahead.

- Spanish.

- Va a la izquierda all.

- Yakov Smirnoff.

In Soviet Russia, car drives you.

That's fancy an' all. But I think you're

bargainin' for more than you can chew.

You're in debt to the Mob. That means

they can ask you to do anything.

- Anything!

- Relax, Cleveland, there is no Mob.

You're thinkin' of the Mob in the movies.

- How am I funny?

- I dunno know. You say funny things.

No, no. I mean, am I George Carlin funny,

am I Spin City funny,

Rita Rudner funny, what? Come on.

- Rita Rudner funny.

- Yeah, Rita Rudner funny.

Really? Oh, my God. Thank you.

Peter, please don't underestimate them.

I guarantee ya, I am never gonna

hear from those guys again.

Peter, it is time to repay

your favour to the don.

Aw, jeez.

At least that's one problem solved.

C'mon, Peter, the don is waiting to meet you.

What kind of a guy... what's he like?

Is he a friendly don?

You know, like that Dom DeLuise.

I have asked you here tonight

so that you may perform a service.

Whaddaya gonna make me do?

Whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack off a guy?

Silence. Big Fat Paulie's in town this week

to attend the wedding of my daughter.

You want me to shoot him twice in the head.

That's sweet of you to ask,

but he's my nephew.

He's also vile and disgusting.

No one's been able to stand Big Fat Paulie's

company for more than a minute.

But you, Mr Griffin,

you will take him to the movies.

That's it? That's all I have to do?

Ah, thank Go... Wait a second. Which movie?

Because if it's anything with Greg Kinnear,

you can just whack me off right now.

Big Fat Paulie?

The name's Marty, and

I'm very sensitive about my weight.

- Big Fat Paulie?

- How dare you?

Are you Big Fat Paulie?

I'm Louie Anderson.

Are you-please, God - Big Fat Paulie?

(sneezes and snorts)

- Yeah, I'm Big Fat Paulie.

- Hey. Guess I've got milk.

(nervous laugh) Don't shoot me!

Aw. Someone's sittin'

in my most favourite seat.

Hm. Hey, I just got a great idea.

Girlfriend, you know what time it is?

- No, what time is it?

- It's time for you to get your groove back.

Again.

Well, uh...

- Bye.

- Where you goin'?

- Home? You know, for dinner.

- Oh, yeah? What are we havin'?

Oh, uh... I was only supposed to

go to a movie with ya.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Well, I mean, you know, like...

like no neckin'.

So I can have dinner with you.

Uh... uh, sure.

That'd be better than having dinner with

my family who I love and am not afraid of.

Hey, Lois, this is Big Fat Paulie.

- He's gonna be joinin' us for dinner.

- Really? What a nice surprise.

Peter, can I talk to you for a second?

You can't just bring company home

at the last second without calling.

I am gettin' tired of you doin' everything

without consultin' me. And...

- Do you mind?

- As a matter of fact, I do, you crazy broad.

I am not a crazy broad.

Oh, no, no, Lois. He didn't mean

you're crazy like Elizabeth Taylor.

You know, he meant you're crazy like...

like that glue. You stick to things.

You know, like an adhesive.

That's all he meant.

You have a pretty good appetite there, kid.

I bet you spend a lot of time in the john.

Sorry, what finishing school

did you say you went to?

Yes, good heavens. Who taught you

how to eat? Mickey Rourke?

Why do I know that name?

Damn you, Entertainment Tonight!

Hi, I'm Bob Goen,

and these are Mary Hart's legs.

Mary, you recently spent some time

with Julia Roberts, didn't you?

Mary says yes.

Tell me, kid, what are you, like, 27?

- I'm 13.

- Still a minor, huh?

- Hey, son, how'd you like to be a coke mule?

- Peter, living room?

No, Lois, kitchen.

Peter, I have a bad feelin' about this man.

He's not the kind of person

I want hangin' around our family.

- Honey, you're overreactin'.

- Will you please just listen to me for once?

That man is bad news. I want him

out of our house and out of our lives.

I'm gonna give you

something to help you relax...

- Now!

- OK.

Big Fat Paulie?

There's somethin' I gotta tell ya.

Ever stare at the night sky and wonder

if someone might be lookin' back at ya?

No, but just in case...

Look at this, you freakin' aliens!

Oh, uh... Hi, Bonnie.

This is my friend, Big Fat Paulie,

and, uh... this is his big fat a**.

- What's on your mind, Petie?

- Look, uh, we can't be friends any more.

- Oh.

- I'm sorry.

Hey, forget about it.

Aw, jeez. It's not you, it's Lois.

She doesn't want me hangin' around with ya.

- Really? You're not just sayin' that?

- No, no. It's all Lois.

If only I'd met you first...

But whaddaya gonna do?

- So, Lois is the problem, huh?

- Yeah, but it's not her fault.

She just doesn't wanna see me

fall in with a tough crowd again.

Cavity creeps!

We make holes in teeth!

We make holes in teeth!

So, if she wasn't around,

we could still be friends, right?

- Yeah, sure. Why not?

- Oh, that's great.

Come here, you.

(grunting)

(cheering)

Willy Loman never made a lot of money,

his name was never in the paper,

but, uh... You know, like,

attention could be paid.

People are worse off than Willy Loman.

Jeez, come on, everybody.

I know it sucks, but they're just kids.

Peter, how can you sleep?

I was almost killed.

Aw, come on, Lois. The only victim

tonight was the work of Arthur Miller.

- (rings)

- Hello.

Hey, Big Fat Paulie.

No, Lois isn't dead yet.

Whaddaya mean,

you're gonna fire that hit man?

Whaddaya mean, you thought she'd be six

feet under and we'd be able to catch a movie?

Whad...?

- You thought I wanted you to whack Lois?

- Guilty.

- It's not too late to have the hit called off?

- Yeah.

Gotcha.

- All I gotta do is make a call.

- (machine-gun fire)

Aw, jeez. You OK?

Oh, my God. Look at this.

How could you bring a mobster

into your own home?

If you're upset now, wait till ya hear the rest.

I was talkin' to Big Fat Paulie the other day

and one thing led to another, and...

- I sort of put a hit out on ya.

- How could you put a hit on me?

That's not even the worst part.

Wait. Yeah, it is.

- Peter!

- Look, don't worry. I got it all worked out.

We'll move to England. Worst they got there

is, uh, you know, drive-by arguments.

("Rule Britannia")

I say, Jeremy, isn't that

Reginald B Stiffworth,

the chap who's been touting the merits

of a United European Commonwealth?

- Why, yes, I dare say that's the fellow.

- Oh, let's get him.

Oh, Reginald.

I disagree.

(mandolin music)

- I would like a "bunny".

- What kind of "bunny"?

A semi-automatic bunny

or a hand-held bunny.

Whichever bunny you think is better

for shooting a guy in the head.

I've been lookin' all over for ya.

Look, I gotta call off the hit on my wife.

- Where's the don?

- The don?

- I don't know what you're talking about.

- Aw, come on, you know, the don.

- The captain of the Mafia.

- Peter, there is no such thing as the Mafia.

"The don's daughter is getting married

tomorrow. Here's my invitation."

"Now, get the asterisk, percent,

ampersand, out of here, you SOB."

What's a SOB?

- Dharma, come down from that couch.

- Uh-uh, goofy. Why don't you come up?

You know what? I think I will.

(canned laughter)

Boy, what a mismatched pair.

A free spirit and a puppet.

Peter, thank God. Did you take care of...

- That thing?

- That thing? Oh, oh, you mean that growth.

Yeah, I had the doctor look at that.

Mr Griffin, that isn't a growth.

That's your penis.

Oh. Well, what about the...?

Testicles.

Huh.

- I'm talkin' about the mob hit.

- Mom's gonna get whacked?

- What did you do?

- Oh dear, there are so many people to thank.

God, of course, and um... who else?

Oh, this is so unexpected.

- Oh, yes, Satan.

- I'm sorry, Lois. The hit's still on.

- All I got was this wedding invitation.

- Wait a second, Peter.

The don's daughter's wedding. That's perfect.

It's not that perfect.

We'll probably have to buy a gift.

And you know how bad I am at buyin' gifts.

Happy freakin' birthday, Lois.

Oh, my goodness. It's a...

Ah, another sword.

- Thank you, Peter.

- Go ahead, try it on.

Didn't you see The Godfather? The don can't

refuse a favour on his daughter's wedding.

- So?

- So we can ask him for a favour.

- So?

- So we ask him to call off the hit.

- So?

- So...

Peter, I don't know how

to explain it any clearer than that.

You can ask them not to kill Mom.

No way, it's too dangerous.

I got you into this and I'll get you out of it.

No, Peter, when we got married

we agreed to share our lives.

- Good times and bad.

- So?

- So we'll solve this problem.

- Wait. You mean, together?

Yes, because together we can do anything,

face any foe, overcome any obstacle.

Yeah, climb any mountain,

rent any video, dial any phone.

And not just our phone,

Lois, other people's phones.

Decent phones, God-fearing phones,

phones that everybody else gave up on,

but we knew better, because we were a team.

What the hell are you talking about?

(computer) Turn right at fork in road.

- In Soviet Russia, road forks you.

- Boy, is that gettin' old.

I don't know. What if somethin' happens

to ya? I'm too old to start dating again.

OK, bachelor number one. I'm an ice-cream

cone. How are you gonna eat me?

I'd invite my friend Rudy over and

the two of us would give you a double dip.

OK. Bachelor number two?

I'd lick off all the cream and

give you my special whip topping.

Sounds good. Bachelor number three?

Well, I would try to eat you

really fast, before I got flaccid.

- I'll be fine. All we have to do is blend in.

- No problem.

(sings "Rhinestone Cowboy")

For my next number...

Thank you very much.

- David Schwimmer?

- Yeah. Hey.

- What are you gonna ask the don for?

- World peace.

- Number 34. Three-four.

- Right here.

Peter, my good friend. How good of you

to come and show your respect,

on this, the day of my daughter's wedding.

Yeah, sorry I didn't bring a gift,

but the stores were mobbed.

Uh, I mean, mobbed as in crowded.

Not... not mobbed as in... you guys.

- (nervous laugh)

- Who is this enchanting woman?

This is my wife, Lois. Ah!

Your honour, sir, we've come to ask...

- Let me handle this.

- Peter, I thought we were a team.

Listen, Your Don-ness.

I got a little favour to ask.

Go ahead. I am obligated to grant one favour

on this, the day of my daughter's wedding.

While you ask me for this

one and only favour,

I will sit here and enjoy

this very fine tiramisu.

- Oh, can I have a piece?

- Granted.

- Next.

- Aw, crap.

I'm sorry I used up our favour, Lois.

You know what? Here. It's yours.

No, no, really. I insist.

Peter, I'm gonna be killed.

Does that mean nothing to you?

Of course it does.

It means everything to me.

- Oh, God. What have I done?

- I'm not marrying you.

I'm not marrying you,

you spoiled guinea... Whoops.

My daughter, what is the problem on this,

the day of my daughter's wedding?

Larry wants to whack someone

on our honeymoon.

Hey, it's my job, all right?

This is what I do.

You two should stop fighting

and listen to each other.

See, marriage is a partnership. If you really

love someone, you gotta work together,

as a team. I... I learned that the hard way.

I didn't listen to what my wife had to say

and now she's as good as dead.

- Oh, Peter.

- That's awful. Is this your wife?

Yeah, that's Lois. Ah!

I guess we could postpone our trip.

We won't have to. I don't believe this.

She's the one I'm supposed to whack.

- Peter.

- Please, you gotta do me one more favour.

Look, I love my wife

more than anything in the world.

Can you please shoot me instead of her?

Such tenderness and love on this,

the day of my daughter's wedding.

- Why don't I just call off the hit?

- Oh. Yeah, that could work.

Wait. We're a team. Is that OK with you?

Because your opinion matters too.

Yes, let's get the hell outta here.

Thank you for a lovely time.

- Yeah, it's the blue sedan.

- No tip, sir.

Ah, nice kid. Well, I think

I handled that pretty good.

But... but I would like a second opinion.

Here it is.

- Oh, my God, our car!

- Man, am I glad I caught you.

I almost forgot. Don't start your car...

- Hey, thanks for comin'.

- Oh, what a horrible night.

It's not so bad, Lois. I learned my lesson.

And best of all, nobody important got hurt.

Visiontext Subtitles:

Marisa Castle de Joncaire

ENGLISH SDH

Oh, my! Tomatoes are 3.99 a pound.

That's so high!

Isn't that high? It seems so high.

This is interminable! I demand to know why

you insist on taking me everywhere you go!

I mean, what could possibly happen

if you left me home by myself?

- Great party, Griff.

- Girls, you know Jimmy Caan.

- Jimmy, make yourself at home.

- Hey, thanks.

I meant have a Cheez Doodle, but whatever.

Hm. Instant stuffing or instant

mashed potatoes? The choices are...

(crash)

- Cleanup on aisle three! I got it!

- Peter, where's Chris?

I love you, She-Hulk.

Son, I'm gonna need those two hams back.

- I don't have any hams.

- Lift up your shirt, son.

I need an adult! I need an adult!

You're not a shoplifter. You're just a fat kid.

Sorry about that, fatty-fat-fatty.

Hey, Tom, he's just a fat kid! Aren't you,

fatty? You're just a big old fat kid.

- Here's some chocolate, fatso.

- Thanks!

- Hey, Brian, flea collars are on sale.

- Too many chemicals.

I'm gonna try a more natural alternative.

Agh! Sorry, Dr Ling, I guess I'm nervous.

This whole thing is a little weird.

(Scottish accent) Never ye fear.

I've been doin' this all me life.

See, the reason your fleas are drawn to you

is your kidney energy is bein' blocked

by a dark chi, or what we call

in my country "wee-fung-chow-hu".

You have to keep those two boxes

right next to each other?

- Why? What do they say?

- I think we're through here.

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those

good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively

can do all the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

Attention, world leaders.

I have 137 nuclear warheads

trained on every capital city

around the globe.

The world is now under my control.

But oh, no! I'm naked!

What the deuce...? Agh! Fleas! Agh!

Damn you, Mop N' Glo.

Wake up, Leona! This decrepit Hooverville

is infested with something besides idiots!

Oh, my God! Stewie, you've got bugs

on your jammies! Peter, wake up.

- Wha-wha...?

- Stewie's covered with fleas!

Oh, that's nothin'. When I was a kid

I was covered with ticks.

- Peter, it's not a contest.

- Well, it was back then.

Oh, no. Brian!

Time for doggie to go the way of Old Yeller.

- Old Yeller, did I get a call from Tony?

- Oh, yeah.

He left a message. I forgot to tell you.

- Is it on the machine?

- I erased it.

- All right, out back.

- No, Ma.

Yeller's my dog. I'll do it.

Oh, come on. He'll call back.

Ngh! Nngh!

- Brian, are you OK?

- OK? Ha-ha!

OK? I'm covered in fleas, lady.

I'm losin' it here.

- Get a hold of yourself!

- Ow! Peter, you're supposed to hit Brian!

- Dad, I'm itchy! I'm itchy!

- Out of my way, wide load!

Mom, there's fleas all over the house!

There's only one thing to do-learn the

language of the fleas, earn their trust,

then breed with their women.

In time our differences will be forgotten.

Call the damn exterminator!

(alarm)

We got a 602 at 31 Spooner Street!

(heroic music)

- Logan, let's go.

- I can't.

I... I just can't.

- What's with you, Logan? You look like hell.

- He just watched his wife and kid

get carried away by seven million fire ants.

I don't wanna meet the man

who looks good after that.

My God. They're everywhere.

Yaaaagh!

- They're in the carpet!

- Got one over here!

It's no good! There's too many of 'em!

What do we do now?

What the hell do we do now?!

We pray.

- Logan! You son of a b*tch!

- You think I'd miss this party?

I feel terrible about this. Why don't I put us

up in a nice hotel for a couple of days?

That's a great idea, Brian.

It'll be like a little vacation.

Well, you might wanna bring some cash,

cos some places don't take credit cards.

But mister, I need real money.

I can't take a credit card.

Oh, I see. Cash only, huh? No paper trail.

What are you sellin'? Reefer? Crack?

Smack? Horse? X? Shrooms? Dust? Meth?

In my neighbourhood? I don't think so!

(wails)

Oh, my. What a lovely room.

(sniffs) Oh, and it's so clean.

The ultraviolet scanning light

will be the judge of that.

I picked this up on Dateline from

that yummy exoskeleton Maria Shriver.

Mm-hm. Just as I thought. Oatmeal.

Spittle. Semen!

This must be where Wilford Brimley

was strangled by Bob Crane.

(Peter) Cannonball!

Jump in, honey. Don't be afraid.

The turtle will keep you safe.

Oh, for God's sake! I'm to entrust my life

to a turtle, nature's D student? Agh!

(splutters) This is marvellous!

I feel like a young Johnny Weissmuller!

- Hey, Chris, aren't you comin' in?

- Can I swim with my shirt on?

No, you can't swim with your shirt on.

Wait a second. What are you hidin'?

Do you have bruises? Did somebody hit

you? Lois, what did you do to my son?

Will you keep your voice down?

You're embarrassin' him.

If I wanted to embarrass him,

I'd do somethin' like this.

Hey! Hey, everybody! Hey, look what

Chris Griffin's father Peter Griffin's doin'!

(crowd) Ugh!

Stop it! Chris, why don't you

want to take your shirt off?

- Cos I'm fat.

- Oh, honey, no one thinks you're fat.

Sir, you can't park your van

on the diving board.

- This is my son.

- Oh. My apologies.

Hey, Tom! He's not a van! He's just a fat kid!

Don't listen to him, Chris.

I'm gonna go get you a soda. You wait here.

I say, hello! You there!

I'm ready to get out! Somebody!

Oh, my. What was that?

Well, hello, Mr Water Jet.

- Are you ready to...

- Go away!

You're not fat, Chris, you just

come from a long line of husky Griffins,

like your great-great-great-uncle

Jabba the Griffin.

Raja naba doua gola wookie nipple pinchie.

Honey, if you wanna lose weight,

I'll put you on a diet

and your father can help you exercise.

- Really?

- Why don't you do what supermodels do?

Stick your finger down your throat

and throw up till you're skinny.

Don't listen to your sister. Stickin' your finger

down your throat doesn't make you throw up.

Peter, are you OK?

Meat loaf for us, and a very special, very

delicious steamed vegetable dish for Chris.

(sniffs)

Oh, I hate vegetables!

- Honey, they're good for you.

- Oh!

It tastes like a monkey.

A monkey that's past its prime.

Mm! This meat loaf

is a symphony of flavour.

It's too bad you can't have some -

it's practically orgasmic!

Oh, yes! Yes!

Oh! Oh!

- Yes! Yes!

- I'll have what he's having.

OK, Chris, time for some good old-fashioned

exercise-like those guys are doin'.

I say, Phineas, great day

to be doing squat thrusts

and lifting our huge

triangular iron weights.

- Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!

- Hup! Hup-hup! Hup! Hup!

Dad, I don't like running. The sound of

my thighs scraping together hurts my ears.

Hey, a Twinkie! A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

A-ha-ha! I'm gonna get you!

Come on! You can do it.

Feel the burn, Chris. Feel the burn.

Agh!

Attaboy. All the way upstream, buddy.

Agh! Agh! Aagh! Aagh! Agh!

OK, just relax.

Try to soil yourself, like we practised.

Dad, this says I gained weight.

That's impossible. Take off your shirt.

What the hell is that?

(gasps)

Bovine lummox! Oh!

Oh, God!

I tell ya, he's been workin' out

all week and he hasn't lost a pound.

Peter, if you're this desperate about Chris's

weight, why don't you just suck the fat out?

If you can find a hole on the boy that

you wanna put your lips on, be my guest.

I'm talkin' about liposuction.

My brother Broderick's a cosmetic surgeon.

Is he good?

Well, Nell Carter used to be twice as big

before Broderick got through with her.

FYI, he used the fat he took out of her

to make the two kids from Good Burger.

This is a very safe procedure, son.

You won't feel a thing.

I'm like a Green Beret, you know.

I sneak inside you and I skulk around

like it's Vietnam or somethin', and

I'm sneakin' through the bush, you know.

And I get all that fat, like the fat's my buddies

stuck behind enemy lines, you know.

And when I got all my buddies,

I sneak out again.

I'm very mysterious when I'm inside you,

you know, like a... like the wind, you know.

Oh, good boy, Stewie. Clean plate.

Although I think you got...

Yes, yes, I got more of it on me than in me.

Yes, that one never gets old, Lois.

Here's your dessert, sweetie. Dig in.

- I'll eat it when I'm ready.

- Hi!

I'm ready. Well, time for dessert, isn't it?

Let's see, big chocolate cake for Stewie,

and we have something very tasty

for big fat you. Bon apptit!

Oh, and feel free to use my fork,

I shan't be needing it. Watch me.

That's it. Watch this.

Oh, Stewie! Stop eatin' like a little piggy!

We should cut down on your sweets-you're

gettin' a belly. Chris, where have you been?

Dad took me to a doctor to get

the fat vacuumed out of my belly.

- What?

- I didn't do it.

I'm just gonna stay on my diet and exercise.

Good for you. That was

a very grown-up decision.

I mean, what kinda lazy, narcissistic,

irresponsible moron would even consider

doing something as unbelievably foolish as

getting liposuction? Who, I ask you? Who?

Hello!

I... How... Wha...

My God, it's finally happened.

He's become so massive he's collapsed

into himself like a neutron star.

- Mom, can I get lipo too?

- Forget it, Meg.

Peter, you can't just suck 200Ibs of fat

out of yourself. It's not natural.

Come on. Lois, I feel great

droppin' that kind of weight all at once.

Like you felt after you had Chris.

And they're off!

Well, then, giddy-up.

A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

- Great to be thin.

- Yup.

You know, there's somethin'

I always wanted to do, Brian,

but, uh... I-I could never do it

cos I was so heavy.

But, you know, now that I don't

weigh so much, I think I can.

- Could you... could you help me do it, Brian?

- Sure. I'd be honoured.

I was wonderin' if I could put a little saddle

on your back and ride you like a horsy.

Oh, OK. No, I understand.

It's too much. It's OK.

I like Hillary Clinton, I don't care

what anyone says. Argh!

- Hyah! Hyah! Come on, Old Paint!

- I can feel the bones in your a**!

I see you!

But, Mom, it could change my life!

Meg, you're not gettin' plastic surgery.

Why not? It's totally safe.

A lot of famous people have done it.

Your place is here in the ice village. You

know nothing of Hollywood and its ways.

But, Father, I have dreams and courage and

the name of an excellent cosmetic surgeon.

Fear not, some day word will reach you

about the success of me,

the great Eskimo actor Jennifer Love Hewitt.

- Bring pride to our village!

- Send firewood!

Plastic surgery is great! I was thinkin' about

havin' Broderick take a look at my nose.

It doesn't matter if your nose

is a little bulbousy,

or your eyes are too close together,

or your chest is flabby. You are who you are.

Huh. I think I know what you're gettin' at.

Knock, knock!

Hey, pal, you can't just walk in here...

Holy crap, it's Peter.

- Dad, you're pretty! Like a girl!

- You look like a totally different person.

Oh, this is crazy. You walk in here

with your chiselled jaw and your...

Oh, my! I...

I liked you the way you were.

You're not even real any more. You're...

- Peter, did you get a new buttocks?

- I had to. My old one had a crack in it.

Well, I couldn't be more angry with you.

Ahhhhh!

You... you've really let this family down. We

should be embracin' the things God gave us,

not tellin' our kids a person's not as good as

someone else because of the way they look.

Agh! Holy crap!

Ow!

- There's a baby in that refuse bin.

- Not too close, Barnaby.

- If you touch it, the mother won't take it back.

- Allez-oop!

Excuse me, sir, what is a handsome man

like you doing waiting in line?

I need an adult! I need an adult!

Warren Fredericks, Quahog Beautiful

People's Club. Come on in front.

But all those people were in front of me.

You haven't been beautiful long, have you?

Gorgeous guys like us don't have to wait.

Haven't you noticed?

People will do anything

for a beautiful person.

Yeah. You know, come to think of it...

Hi. I'm on a scavenger hunt,

and I need a human foot.

Well, as a rule, I would say no,

but OK, come in.

So this is, what, for, like, a school project?

Argh! Argh! Agh! Agh!

Raul, please take this

handsome gentleman's bags to his car.

Thank you.

Hey, when you're beautiful,

doors magically open for you.

It opened because you stepped on

that black rubber square.

If that wasn't there, it would've

opened anyway cos you're beautiful.

(Peter) Wow.

There's a lot of good-Iookin' people here.

This is the Beautiful People's Club,

and you're our newest member.

Here's your introductory basket.

It's got lotions, Ferrari sunglasses,

and pills to make your bowel movements

smell like bakery-fresh cinnamon rolls.

(creaking)

(creaking)

Argh! Dammit!

Oh, what happened? Orson fall down?

Shut up! Just... I don't want to hear it!

Serves you right. You tried to make Chris

jealous, now you have an eating disorder.

Just help me up.

I would, but my doctor

advised me against heavy lifting.

Oh, ha-de-ha-ha!

What the... What the devil are you doing?

Stop it! Stop it, I'm getting dizzy!

Argh! Blast!

Did you paste a new picture of yourself

on our wedding portrait?

- Yeah. I think it looks better.

- You pasted it over me.

- Yeah. I think it looks better.

- Have you lost your mind?

- Well, somebody's jealous.

- Have you forgotten about Chris?

- He needs you to help him exercise.

- He figured out how to catch the Twinkie.

Ha-ha! I'm turnin' you into poo.

I'm goin' to the Beautiful People's

Club. I can take him with me.

Seein' us all might give him

somethin' to shoot for.

The Beautiful People's Club?

How come I never heard of it?

Lois, I can't say any more. I'm probably

already in trouble for mentioning it to a, uh...

Well, we call you "normies".

OK, bye.

Are you gonna take that?

- Lois!

- What? Oh. Brian. I was...

I was seeing if the, uh, driveway.

That wasn't a sentence.

You were ogling Peter like a horny schoolgirl.

Oh, I can't help it! I know, I know,

he's become a superficial, egomaniacal jerk.

But I've never been more attracted to him.

Does that make me a bad person?

Yes. Yes, it does make you a bad person.

Peter, good to see you. I've got a lot of tall,

statuesque people I want you to meet.

- What's that?

- Oh, that's my son Chris.

He can't come in. He's fat.

Well, let me tell you somethin', buddy.

If my son can't come in, then I'll just come in.

- See you at home.

- But Dad...

Trust me, Chris, sometimes

it's better not to fit in.

You're all stupid.

They're gonna be lookin' for army guys.

Don't look at me! I'm hideous!

How could you treat Chris that way? You

know he's self-conscious about his weight.

What you gettin' mad at me for?

He gets his fat from your genes.

- Which, by the way, I'm wearing.

- Oh, I hate what you've become!

Why don't you have that doctor

suck the fat outta your head?!

Maybe I will. Then I'll put it on my feet

and skate on Paul Bunyan's

giant skillet to cook his flapjacks!

- That doesn't make any sense.

- It doesn't have to. I'm beautiful!

You're not welcome here. Go away!

Wow, Chris, did you lose weight?

Maybe. I've been workin' out.

Well, you look wicked skinny.

I'm, like, jealous.

Thanks, Meg. I'm jealous of your moustache.

I don't have a moustache. Do I?

Oh, honey, it's fine.

It makes you look distinguished.

- But Mom...

- Meg, I think all my children are beautiful.

Damn you, ice cream. Come to my mouth.

How dare you disobey me?

What are you looking at,

you... you infantile, stupid...

That's right. Damn you and such.

You can... burn in hell.

(snores)

She is so jealous. Of course - I'm beautiful.

I mean, look at me.

Oh... How strange...

Should... watch... road,

but... can't... look... away.

Too beautiful.

(gurgles)

(gurgles)

(gurgles)

Well, Mr Griffin, the bandages

are ready to come off.

But I should tell you

it's a miracle you're alive at all.

We did all we can,

but medical science has come just so far.

And now I will take off

this protective Potato Head mask.

Oh, Peter, you look like you!

I can't believe you're all still standin'

by my side after what a jerk I was.

- Especially to you. I'm sorry, Chris.

- That's OK, Dad.

Well, Peter, I guess

you learned a pretty valuable lesson.

Nope.

Visiontext Subtitles: Kerrie Slavin

ENGLISH SDH

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good

old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively

can do all the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

OK, OK. Here's another riddle.

A woman has two children.

A homicidal maniac

tells her she can only keep one.

Which one does she let him kill?

That's... that's not a riddle,

that's... that's just terrible.

- Wrong! The ugly one!

- Hey, Peter.

Check out my new trampoline.

Whee! Yeah! Whoa, momma!

Whoo! Whoo! Yeah!

Jeez, Cleveland, that must have set you back.

What'd you do, sell your body to science?

You know, I've thought of doin' that.

All right, uh, Jenny, would you come up here

and show us where the femur is?

Aaah!

(laughs) Get out of here, you little bastard.

I knew this was the right thing to do.

No, I just got a big tax refund.

Uncle Sam sent me $500.

- I got 600 bucks.

- I got 850.

I got a rock.

I spent my refund on a digital TV

with surround sound.

It's got headphones, so I can watch Steven

Seagal movies without waking Bonnie.

Yes! Lock and load!

Lock and load! Bring on the pain!

I spent my refund on a plug-in playmate.

So, a schoolteacher?

That must be interesting.

Well, I'm gettin' somethin' special too.

And by special, I don't mean special

like that Kleinerman boy down the street.

More special like... like Special K, the cereal.

What did they do with the regular K?

For that matter,

what happened to Kaye Ballard?

If you said "mallard" and you had

a cold, it would sound like "Ballard".

- Do you listen when you talk?

- I drift in and out.

You know, Rupert, the word "gullible"

is not in the dictionary.

Oh, oh, you don't believe me?

Here! Look it up!

What? What's that? It really isn't?

Oh, Rupert, touch!

Hoisted by my own petard!

(laughs)

Ah, I am so alone.

Everybody, my tax refund is here. I'm gonna

buy us somethin' we've always wanted.

- A cat?

- A stereo?

- A pool?

- Oh, oh, I'm sorry. It is a pool.

- Oh, joy unbounded!

- I'll feed it and take care of it!

Oh, my God! It's better than I thought.

An Audi! I'm gettin' a car!

Uh, Peter, there's a "T" in there.

That says "audit".

No, Brian, it's a foreign car. The "T" is silent.

- Sweet! I'm gettin' an Audi!

- I have an "inny".

- Uh, Miss Stratford?

- Come in, Mr Griffin. Don't be nervous.

The IRS is much kinder and gentler

than we used to be.

- You smell nice.

- What? Oh, that... that must be you.

- No, it couldn't be me. I just farted.

- Oh.

I just have a few questions about your return.

Did you incur

any medical expenses this year?

You can write off medical stuff? If I'd known,

I wouldn't have used a discount surgeon.

Uh, I'm not sure which one to cut here.

The red one... or the blue one...

OK, OK, just relax. Let's see, uh...

First, why don't you attach

that green one to that purple one?

- OK. Here goes.

- (long bleep)

- Oh, God!

- That kill me?

- Uh-huh.

- I was afraid of that. Try the green and blue.

Well, Mr Griffin,

you don't owe any additional money,

but unfortunately,

you're not entitled to a refund.

- Aah!

- Mr Griffin, are you OK?

I'm sorry. I still haven't

gotten over the loss of Party of Five.

It'll take time to get over it.

What were you sayin'?

- You're not entitled to a refund.

- Aah!

- I'm sorry. Come again?

- You're not entitled to a refund.

- Aah!

- (sighs) Was that for Party of Five too?

No, that was for my refund.

What the hell's Party of Five?

By God, I may not be able to give

my family a vibrating sex doll,

- But at least I can give 'em a pool.

- Um... I say.

If you find a human skeleton with a Lincoln

Log jammed in the temple, I didn't do it.

But I need that log for my

recreation of James Madison's cabin.

OK, kids, I don't want anyone swimmin' in

this pool unless there's a lifeguard on duty.

Ha, ha, ha! "Duty".

Ha, ha, ha! "Diarrhoea"!

- Hey, Lois!

- What?

Diarrhoea!

Peter! I'm holdin' iced tea!

Oh. Oh. You know, honey,

you don't have to do this.

Maybe a pool is another one

of those things a family doesn't really need.

Look, everybody. I got us another dog.

- What the...?

- Hi. You guys have any Cheese Doodles?

See, that's what I do.

I ask for a snack and I blow the horn.

- Huh, look at this. Some kind of plastic root.

- There's no such thing as a plastic root.

You bastards come into our village

and kill our fish, pollute our water.

I'm gonna send you back

to hell where you belong.

Noooo!

- (whirs)

- (whirring stops)

- Goodbye.

- Ah, damn it.

Aw.

I've fixed the power line, but the town's

zoning laws prohibit building a pool there.

- What? It's my yard.

- Sorry, Your house is too close to the kerb.

Oh, yeah? Well, your eyes

are too close to your nose.

That may be. But you know what?

I only have to wear one goggle

when I go swimming in my pool!

- Hey, wait, wait, wait! Come back here!

- What?

I have to draw you.

You're why cavemen painted on walls.

Damn government, telling me

I can't build a pool on my own land.

After my grandfather helped create one of

our most beloved cartoon characters.

OK. We've narrowed it down to two possible

names. All in favour of "Bugs Bunny"?

And all in favour of

"Ephraim, the Retarded Rabbit"?

Oh, you can all go to hell!

- Hey, where's the mayor's office?

- Last door on the left.

- Come on! Come on!

- Hello, is this the...

Oh. Sorry. I thought

you were the district attorney.

No, I'm Peter Griffin.

Oh, you're here about your pool.

Step into my office.

I'm here to serve the fine citizens of Quahog.

It'll be my pleasure to give you a permit.

- Well, it's about time.

- Well, this is odd.

- What?

- I've never encountered anything like this,

but your property doesn't seem

to be on the map.

It's not part of Quahog.

What the hell are you talkin' about?

I've lived there for 12 years.

Sorry, but according to this map,

you're not even part of these United States.

Which would make you... a communist!

- Ah!

- Yeah!

- Ow!

- Damn! Usually my malcontents are skinnier.

Would you come back in a week, when my

fat malcontent trap door will be completed?

I'm not comin' back in a week, or ever!

I've had it with you

and this damn government.

Fine.

I love this job more than I love taffy.

And I'm a man who enjoys his taffy.

Mmm.

Ooh. Mmm.

Oh. Hm.

Hm. Mmm-mm.

Mm. Oh, oh.

Mmm.

What's going on?

Did the city give you the permit?

No, no. We're not part of this city.

We're not even part of this country.

- And that makes us our own country.

- What are you talking about?

Thanks to a technicality,

we have the right to secede from the US.

From this day forth, this territory

will be known as "Petoria"!

I was going to call it "Peterland",

but that gay bar by the airport took it.

Our lead story tonight: Petoria.

A new foreign country which was founded

this week, here in our own back yard.

And in a Quahog News 5 Exclusive,

we sent our own little foreigner,

Asian correspondent

Tricia Takanawa, to Petoria,

where first lady Lois Griffin has graciously

agreed to give a tour of her country. Tricia.

Thank you, Diane. So, Mrs Griffin, what's

it like being the woman behind the man?

Ah, you know, when Peter first said we were

our own country, I was a bit sceptical.

Then I thought "Hey! I could be like Hillary

Clinton!" Only, you know, without the penis.

Tell us a little bit about your country.

Well, we're a clean

and industrious people, mostly white.

My son Chris is in charge

of our space programme.

We hope to get to the moon very shortly.

Almost!

Ow! They should really use monkeys for this.

And little Stewie here is

our President of Poopy.

Oh, ha, ha, ha.

So where is the president now?

Oh, he's out on

a goodwill mission to America.

Here you go, Mr President.

Mr President!

Oh, Peter. That tickles me in a way

that if Loretta tickled me in that way,

I'd say "Oh, yeah! That's nice.

That's the spot."

What are you talkin' about? I'm a born leader.

Like my great-great-uncle Ulysses S Griffin.

(all chant) Chug-a-lug! Chug-a-lug!

Chug-a-lug! Chug-a-lug!

- Yeah! Whoo!

- How's that, Robert E Lee?

All right. No more slaves.

But we still don't have to read books.

- Deal.

- Yeah!

Barkeep! Petro-nemo-slappy-wag.

That's Petorian for

"More beer, you slappy-wag."

You still owe me for the other rounds,

which comes to 50 bucks.

I'm a foreign diplomat. I don't pay for drinks.

You think G Gordon Liddy paid for his drinks

while he was stranglin' people with

piano wire for the good of our nation?

Peter, you can't drink that outside.

You're gonna end up in jail.

Not a good jail, like on Cinemax.

The man-jail.

Go back and pay the bill, Peter.

You, uh, don't wanna break the law.

I can do whatever I want. Watch this.

Oh, now you're just bein' crazy.

Hey, that's against the law.

You're comin' with me.

Uh-uh-uh! Can't touch me.

(tune of "U Can't Touch This"

by MC Hammer)

Can't touch me

Ju-ju-ju-ju-just like the bad guy

from Lethal Weapon 2

I've got diplomatic immunity,

so Hammer, you can't sue

I can write graffiti, even jaywalk in the street

I can riot, loot, not give a hoot,

and touch your sister's teat

Can't touch me

- Can't touch me

- What in God's name is he doing?

- Can't touch me

- I believe that's the "Worm".

Stop! Peter time!

I'm a big shot, there's no doubt

Light a fire and pee it out

Don't like it? Kiss my rump

Just for a minute let's all do the bump

Can't touch me

Yeah, do the Peter Griffin bump

Can't touch me

I'm Presidential Peter, interns think I'm hot

Don't care if you're handicapped,

I'll still park in your spot

I've been around the world,

from Hartford to Bombay

It's Peter, go Peter, up Peter, yo, Peter,

let's see Regis rap this way, can't touch me

Except for you. You can touch me.

Attention, delegates. This session

of the United Nations is hereby convened.

Man, this sucks. Hey, Podium Guy!

Hey, I got a problem here.

- Excuse me. Some of us are here to learn.

- No one's talkin' to you, Albania.

- Is there a problem back there?

- You bet your funny accent there is!

I'm stuck up here in the nosebleeds.

I'm president of Petoria. I want a better seat.

Oh, of course. How could we not have

recognised the great nation of Petoria?

- Have a seat up front.

- Well, that's more like it.

And hey! Would you also

like a special satellite

to scratch your a**

with a laser beam from space?

They have those?

Hi. How you doin'? You mind if I, uh...

- They don't respect you.

- What do you mean?

I used to be the laughing stock around here

until my country invaded Kuwait.

Now I have a seat in the third row.

The only way to get

any respect around here

is to find something you want and just take it.

Wait. If everybody respects you,

how come you're eatin' by yourself?

- I don't shower.

- Oh, that's what that is.

Take what I want, huh?

- Good morning, Joe.

- Peter, what are you doin' in my pool?

Oh, this is the newest province of Petoria.

I call it "Johio".

What? You can't just come over here

and annexe my pool.

Oh, yeah? Well, according to paragraph

seven, sentence three, word eight

of the Geneva Convention, "the".

So tough luck, Swanson.

- As you can see, Petoria has invaded US soil.

- What are our options?

A military strike against such a small

nation could cause an international backlash.

- But this kind of behaviour can't be tolerated.

- Agreed.

- I suggest we start with political sanctions.

- Good, gentlemen.

Well, I guess the world'll show me

a little more respect now.

Dad, I tried to got to school

but this guy won't let me.

- Oh, yeah? Him and what army?

- The US Army.

Oh, that's a good army.

The scene outside the US-Petorian border

as the sun rises on day one

of Operation Desert Clam.

Good morning. I'm Diane Simmons.

We now go to Tom Tucker,

live at the site of the US blockade. Tom?

Diane, I'm here at the Petorian front,

where the US has cut off electricity,

water and gas

to the tiny four-bedroom republic.

The situation is very tense

and extremely dangerous.

- It's only a matter of time...

- (popping)

Oh, my God, they've opened fire. It looks

like things are getting very heated here.

This is not a safe place to be.

(noise like shells falling)

And now sports.

- (Peter) Lois?

- Over here. I'm chopping carrots for a salad.

- Here. Use this head lamp.

- Hey, where's the kids?

Upstairs, doin' their homework

by candlelight.

Damn pig-dog Americans,

messin' with my family like this.

We can't bathe,

we can't do laundry, there's no heat...

We can't live like this for ever.

It's not for ever.

You know, it's just... it's just... You know.

Peter, I'm up here. Oh, sweetie,

maybe you should go over to Joe's

and return his pool, huh?

No. We're a real country. We deserve all

the rights and privileges everyone else gets.

But we have to think about

the welfare of our children.

- Stewie, is that you?

- Lois, my mind's made up.

- (crash)

- I'm not givin' up an inch of Petorian soil.

It's not a sign of weakness to compromise.

I just think you should...

Peter, stop starin' at my chest.

(Brian) Oh. Yeah, sorry, Lois.

And we're back with our round-table

discussion on the Petorian crisis.

- Uh, you were making a point, John?

- Yes.

What the United States is doing

to Petoria right now is criminal.

Nonsense! Force is the only thing

a despot like Peter Griffin understands.

- Fine. Why not just drop a bomb on him?

- What about that, Eleanor?

Oh, it's ridiculous, clearly.

He's a factory worker, not a despot.

You're missin' the point. Our blockade is

turnin' Petoria into a Third World country.

Can anybody tell me what the square root

of the hypotenuse is... Chris, is that a note?

- No.

- Yes, it is.

Would you like to read it

for the rest of the class?

- No.

- Just read it, lardo.

- "I think Mrs Griffin's hot."

- Go to your room.

Damn you, Rupert! Keep these loathsome

insects away, or you'll end up like Mr Giraffe.

Hi. I'm Susan Sarandon.

A lot of you know me as Tim Robbins'

mother. But I'm actually his girlfriend.

- And this is Stewie.

- What the deuce?

For less that the ticket price

of one of my movies

about capital punishment or neo-feminism,

you can make sure

that Stewie never goes hungry again.

Yes, and from the look

of those sweater cows, so can you.

Morning, subjects. What's for breakfast?

Nothing, you idiot. We don't have any food.

Peter, this has gotten way out of hand.

Look at what we're reduced to. Our own baby

has to use newspapers for diapers.

No, no. No, no, this is fine.

One second. I'm just about

finished with Family Circus.

There we are. Who did that, Jeffie? Not me.

My God, I haven't seen everyone this

miserable since that time we were tortured.

I'm sorry. Were you just whipping me?

Or did I just get bit by a mosquito?

Hey, Lois, if you happen

to see the dungeon master,

tell him his grandmother

was tryin' to work me over.

It's time to call this whole thing off.

Nobody's on our side.

Are you nuts? Look at all these telegrams.

"Nice goin'. Libya." "You the man! North

Korea." "Great job! Iraq."

Iraq, Lois! You know what? I'm gonna invite

a few of these fellas over for a party.

See, Lois, I told you we had allies.

Hey, Slobodan. You made it.

I didn't know what to bring, so I made

coleslaw. It's made out of people!

- Just kidding. Is Muammar here?

- Yeah, he's over there with Saddam.

And then Jerry guessed

that her name was "Mulva"!

That show is so funny.

It really reminds me of me and my friends,

how we hang out before I kill them

for worshipping the wrong god.

And I love that Kramer guy.

He comes in the room like this:

"Whaaaa..." Well, I can't do it, but you know.

- Marco.

- (all) Polo!

- Marco.

- (all) Polo!

- Fish out of water!

- Aw!

Yeah, those are lookin' good. Yeah. Manuel!

Manuel, do you want...

Can you ask him if he wants cheese?

Hey! Hey! Fidel! No running around the pool!

I say, I say, Achmed.

What is that thing you people do

when you're about to assassinate an infidel?

Ah. You mean this? (howls)

Oh, yes, I love that. (howls)

Stewie! This is insanity.

- Whoa! Where do you think you're goin'?

- America!

I've had enough. You can keep this filthy

mess you call a country. Come on, kids.

This is treason! For God's sake, Peter!

Make an example of her!

Nothing says "Obey me"

like a bloody head on a fence post.

Let's go! We're crossin' the border!

Goodbye, President Griffin.

- Brian, at least you're Ioyal enough to stay.

- I've stuck by you through worse.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah, I guess it's you and me

against the world, buddy.

Attention, President Griffin. As you may

presently, yourself, fully be aware of,

my grammar sucks, but more importantly,

we're about to commence

Operation Bomb the Crap

Out of Your House.

The guy who thinks up the names

is on vacation. Fire!

To answer your question, like that.

The guy who aims is in the john.

Ah, here he is. Next one's comin' right at you.

Face it, it's over. Why not sit down with

the mayor and negotiate some kind of treaty?

Negotiate? Peter Griffin doesn't know

the meaning of the word "negotiate".

Can... can I tie you to a stick

and use you as a white flag?

Thank you all for coming.

We invited Jesse Jackson

to open our negotiations with a prayer.

(all) Ooh!

Unfortunately, he couldn't make it,

so in his place we have LaToya Jackson.

Thanks. Um... Rub-a-dub-dub,

thanks for the grub. Yeah, God!

How very inappropriate. Thank you.

Now, Mr Griffin, would you like to begin?

OK. After much thought and consideration,

I have decided to make a concession or two.

- Very good, Peter.

- First, I will return Joe's pool.

- Oh, you got that right!

- But I demand access to it on weekends.

- No.

- Accepted.

I also demand to remain my own,

independent nation.

- Absolutely not.

- How about you give me your pen?

You mean this cheap little pen

we have millions of back at the office?

- Yeah.

- No.

Oh, man. So after all this

I end up with nothin'?

How about this?

Every night when you get home from work,

I'll scratch your back

with a matchbook cover like you like.

- Ah, Lois.

- Aw.

- Will you call me "Big Rudy" when you do?

- No.

And that's the story of Petoria,

a little nation that, 200 years ago,

seceded and repatriated

in less than a week.

- Any questions?

- Yeah, uh, I don't get it.

So, like, can the family understand the baby,

or... or... What's the deal with that?

Visiontext Subtitles: Yasmeen Khan

ENGLISH SDH

(TV) We now return to "Sherry and the Anus".

- Anus, are you still up?

- Yeah, come on in, sis.

Have you ever had to tell a lie

in order to keep a friend?

Well, the other day I told Jane her blouse

was pretty when it was really pee-ew.

(audience laughs)

Anus, I'm serious.

Look, sometimes it's better to tell a little fib

than to hurt someone's feelings.

- You're the best.

- (laughs)

(cheerful music)

Oh, that was good.

Funnier than the one where Anus

got the hamster stuck in his mouth.

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those

good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively

can do all the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

Ah, the old alma mater. I tell you,

there's something magical about Brown.

Brown's the colour of poo!

Yes. Yes, it is.

Oh, I haven't been on

a college campus in years.

- Everything seems so different.

- Really?

If you laid on your back with your ankles

behind your ears that would ring a bell.

Excuse me. We're here to see the dean.

Nobody sees the dean.

Not nobody, not nohow.

I'm sorry. Can I help you?

Yes, this is Meg Griffin.

She's here to see the dean of admissions

and we'd, uh, like it

if she got into the university.

- Go on. Take it.

- Wait over there.

My days in college were so exciting.

This one time the National Guard

came and shot some of my friends.

You must be the Griffins. Come in.

Oops. Honey, you got a little smudge.

Hey, you got something

on your other cheek too.

- And this is Pembroke Quad.

- Oh, very nice. Very Brideshead Revisited.

Being on this campus

really brings back memories.

(gasps)

Cowards!

What ho? A veritable bevy of co-eds.

Um... the recent campus sporting event was

most disappointing for our side, wasn't it?

Oh, aren't you adorable?

Are you in a fraternity, little boy?

Not yet, but I'm thinking

about joining I Phelta Thi.

Oh.

So, what do you think

of this "music television"?

If I remember correctly,

this is the physics department.

That explains all the gravity.

I say! It's like the spice rack

in my fantasy kitchen!

Hold on, little fella! This is just for big people.

Why don't you come back in about 17 years?

But the shelf life of that Sodium Pentothal

is only two years and...

Blast! This isn't the first time

I've been thwarted by my small stature.

OK, our next lot is number 15

in your programme.

This is a one-of-a-kind item,

a super-mega death ray.

It's got the power to enslave the entire

human race. Do we have an opening bid?

(Stewie) Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

- Anything?

- Ooh! Ooh!

- We'll take any bid.

- (Stewie) Here!

It can enslave the human race.

Come on. It's solid titanium.

(Stewie) You! Here in the back!

- Do I hear $100? $5?

- (Stewie) Oh, come on.

- (Stewie) Yeah! Ooh!

- Free?

- Enslave the human race.

- Behind the fat chick!

- Nope?

- (Stewie) D'oh!

OK.

(Stewie) Ooh! Ooh!

Argh!

I'm tired of being small.

I wish I was big.

Blast!

Well, let's take a look at your transcript.

"Meg." Hm.

That's not very impressive.

It's just three letters. It's hardly a name at all.

I never wanted to call her Meg.

I wanted to call her Twiki. But Lois

said kids now wouldn't get the reference.

You know what I'm talking about?

Bidibidibidi.

I'm not sure you're Brown material.

Don't you have any extracurricular activities?

Well, I'm president of the Luke Perry

fan club, Quahog chapter.

But I've wanted to go to Brown

ever since I was a little girl.

Well, actually, I really wanted

to go to Wellesley

but Mom said I might as well buy hiking

boots and call myself a lesbian right now.

Meg! Eat your salad.

- We're not having dinner.

- Then be quiet.

I have no future! I'm just gonna

wait in my room until I'm dead.

- I'll be in shortly.

- We've gotta do something.

If Meg doesn't get into college,

who knows what future she'll have?

- You ain't getting this meat. This is my meat.

- Shut up. I found this meat.

(bell rings)

(whooping and whistling)

I'm never gonna get into college.

You just need more extracurricular activities.

- You could get a part-time job.

- I had one when I was in high school.

- Oh! Argh!

- Argh!

That'll be $27.50.

Come on. There's gotta be

a hundred clubs at your school.

Uh, well, I do have a friend

on the school newspaper.

Attagirl. And I got your first story right here.

Lois, I challenge you

to a race around the world.

Go!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

(lisping) We need a picture for the front page.

Hold on. I gotta rinse my retainer.

(deep voice) I'm looking for something

like the spread in last month's Vanity Fair.

(lisping) That was so sweet.

It was wicked, awesome.

Stop the presses! It's Meg!

I'm just joshing. It's all done

on Xerox. What can I do you?

Look, Neil, I need an activity to get

into Brown. The paper is my last hope.

- Can I be a reporter?

- I don't know, Meg.

You never seem to be that interested in

journalism-or journalists, such as myself.

(sighs)

You know, I never realised how smooth

the skin between your acne is.

(gasps)

OK, I'll give you a shot. I've never been

able to get an interview with the mayor.

- You get it and I'll make you a reporter.

- You got it.

(deep voice) Run, little rabbit, run.

But some day our two worlds will be one.

I hope my face clears up by then.

- Excuse me, Mayor?

- How do you know my language?

Listen to me.

My entire future is in your hands.

- Are you Sarah Connor?

- No, I'm Meg Griffin. I need to interview you.

- You're with the press?

- Yes.

Well, you can't interview

a dead man... can you?

- What about my interview?

- Mayor West asked me to give you this.

Uh-oh.

Of course, you realise this means war.

No.

No, that's what they'll be expecting.

Mayor West?

Well, well, Mr Toilet.

I thought you were in the Hamptons.

No. No, no, it's me, Meg Griffin.

I don't talk to the press

under any circumstances.

- What makes you think I'll talk now?

- This.

You just don't give up, do you?

You seize life by the throat and shake it

like a topless bartender mixing a martini.

- You've got your interview.

- (gasps)

- Thanks!

- Hey! Hey! Listen to this.

(echoes) Do I sound like

I'm on old-time radio?

Mm! Oh!

No more treats.

You're gonna spoil your dinner.

Oh, come on!

(grunts)

Oh, damn my small stature.

If I were big, oh, just think where I would be.

Tired of not being able to find

clothes that fit? I know I was.

That's why I started Stewie's Big and

Tall Man Shop. If you're portly or tall,

you'll find a friendly atmosphere brimming

with personalised and expert service.

- Hey, Stewie, how's the weather up there?

- Very fair... like our prices.

Hey, dude. You want some of these?

I say, here's the solution to my troubles.

If I could build a device to harness

the size of that leviathan,

there's no limit to what I could...

Oh, my God, there's an orgy in my mouth.

"Got milk?" That's a funny one too.

Oh, and, uh "I got ya, diagonally".

"Pretty sneaky, sis." That one's also funny.

Mayor West, you've been talking for an hour

and I don't have anything I can use.

- Can't you just please...

- My God! Somebody's stealing my water.

It just went down the drain.

They're crafty, I tell you.

It happens when you least expect it.

Show yourself, damn you!

I've been investigating him for months.

It's cost $150,000 of the taxpayers' money

but I'll find the culprits

if it costs me a million.

You spent public money investigating this?

Thanks. You know, I think I have my story.

Your story? Wait a minute!

You can't print that!

It'll compromise my entire investigation!

Well, thank God she's just

a figment of my imagination.

(snores)

(beeps)

Well, let's take the old boy

out for a spin. Eyes open!

Voice test: I'm Chris.

- I'm Chris.

- Eviscerate the proletariat.

Eviscerate the proletariat!

(sings "Puttin' on the Ritz")

Puttin' on the Ritz!

- Not my bit, but still funny. System off.

- (beeps)

- (snores)

- Splendid.

- I did it! I got a great story.

- So, what did your editor say?

He was gone for the day

so I left it on his desk.

But here, I brought you a copy.

Oh, my God. "Corruption

in City Hall." This is amazing.

Hey, let me see that.

This'll never get Meg

on the paper. This is old news.

There have been political scandals

since Thomas Jefferson.

Oh, hold on. Honey,

let's get all the kids in this.

I know kids, and this story's

gonna put 'em to sleep.

Meg needs something that'll pull those kids

away from their Rock 'Em Sock 'Em robots

and their Spirographs and

their Moby Grape and their 90210.

Luke Perry. That's it! Brian, I got my story.

Now, to get this story on the school editor's

desk is gonna take a portion of my cunning.

No! No.

All my cunning.

Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh!

Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh!

Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh!

Duh-duh-duh duh-luuh-luh-luuh-luh-luh!

Duh!

Duh-duh!

Duh-duh!

Duh-duh! Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah!

Duh-duh!

Duh-duh!

Duh-duh-duh

duh-luuh luh-luuh luh-luuh-luh!

Dah!

Duh-duh duh-duh-duh-daah!

- Great story, Meg.

- Oh, thanks!

Way to go, Meg!

(whooping and cheering)

Congratulations, Meg. This is the most

sensational story we've ever had.

Argh!

- (woman) Luke! Time for dinner!

- In a minute, babe.

I'm just reading every high-school newspaper

in America to see if I'm mentioned.

Oh, my God!

Meg Griffin, you are so sued.

Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duuh!

Duddle-duddle-duddle-duddle-duddle-duh!

- Luke Perry is suing us?

- Dad, how could you do this to me?