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Johnny English

[ Dogs Barking ]

[ Toys Squeaking ]

[ Dogs Whimpering ]

[ Guns Cocking ]

Ah, the Heckler & Koch G-36.

Quite deadly

in the right hands.

Ah, Agent One.

I have been so looking forward

to this moment.

Well, in that case,

I'll try not to disappoint.

You overestimate your power

over women, Mr English.

I'd say that would be

virtually impossible.

Sir? Sir?

- Sir! Have you got them?

- [ Gasps ]

- Hmm?

- The mission documents.

Agent One's flying tonight.

Yes, the mission documents.

They're here somewhere. Ah, here we are.

Agent One.

Gentlemen.

I'm here for my documents.

Bough, Agent One's

documents, please.

- [ Clears Throat ]

- Thank you.

Your mission documents,

Agent One.

Including the codes for the submarine

hatch, which I've checked myself.

Thank you.

So, is it just France tonight,

or will you be slipping

over the Pyrenees as well?

If I told you that,

I'm afraid I'd have to kill you.

Oh.

[ Nervous Chuckle ]

[ Muttering ] Oh, yes, yes.

Well, I expect you would.

Cheerio, Agent One.

Bonne chance.

Arrivederci.

Such class.

Such distinction.

[ Bell Tolling ]

To: MI7 All Depts. Urgent

Agent One killed in action in Biarritz.

Submarine hatch failed to open.

The greatest secret agent England's

ever had snuffed out in an instant.

Terrible.

Do you know what makes us envied

the world over, Bough?

- That there's always another

agent waiting to step in.

- Absolutely, sir.

And every last one of them

is gathered around that grave.

It is our honour and privilege

to guard them while they grieve.

Their lives

are in our hands, Bough.

[ Tyres Screeching ]

Everything in order, English?

I think you'll find it's rather more

than just in order, sir.

You're now entering the most secure

location in the whole of England.

[ Cow Mooing ]

[ Man ] Pegasus,

we face a national crisis.

Agent One was clearly onto something,

and we have to find out what.

I need another agent on this.

Who else is there?

No one, Prime Minister.

They all died in the explosion.

All of them?

Well, luckily there is

one who survived.

Who?

# One eye on the shadows #

# Protecting his fellows #

- # From sunup

till the moon on his back #

- [ Grunting ]

- # Sendin' villains to Hades

A hit with the ladies #

-Johnny English.

# A stallion in the sack #

- # You can't get your life back

when right follows left, Jack #

- [ Groaning ]

# The more you see

the less you know #

# When others would leak it

His service is secret #

# Plays God

when it's your time to go #

# Hey, fellas

Don't bejealous #

# When they made him

they broke the mould #

# So charismatic

with an automatic #

# Never prematurely

shooting his load #

Hah!

# Queen and country

safe and sound #

# With villains

six feet underground #

# And no one knows 'cause

no one's found any trace #

# Of a man for all seasons #

# Loves 'em

and leaves 'em alone #

# So alone #

# And you and I wouldn't have a clue

who's doin' what, why, when and who #

# Up a creek with no canoe

Watch out #

# For the man

for all seasons #

# Loves 'em

and leaves 'em alone #

# So alone #

- # But safe at home #

- # But safe at home #

- # Oh, yeah, yeah #

- # But safe at home #

# But safe at home

But safe at home #

# Then you and I wouldn't have a clue

who's doin' what, why, when and who #

# Up a creek with no canoe

Watch out #

# For the man

for all seasons #

# Loves 'em and leaves 'em

alone, so alone #

# But safe at home ##

Right.

Johnny English.

I'm here to see Pegasus.

Still, no sense

rushing things.

There are some items you need

to sign before your briefing.

This is your new

retinal I.D. card,

and this is your level nine

security clearance.

Sign and date, please.

Ah.

Oh, reminds me of the old

service issue ballpoint.

I remember every agent would carry

a pen that looked just like this.

Completely innocent to the untrained

eye, but click it twice--

[ Gasps ]

Ah, English, there you are.

Have you seen my secretary?

Um... she went out.

Um... shall we?

Now, Agent One believed that there was

a plot to steal the Crown Jewels.

They've recently been through

a multimillion-pound restoration,

largely paid for

by a corporate sponsor.

They're due to be unveiled

tonight at the Tower of London.

The queen is insisting that the ceremony

goes ahead, so what we want you to--

Hah! Who-- Who--

Who is the sponsor, sir?

Pascal Sauvage.

What, that flouncy Frenchman

who owns a couple of prisons?

Sauvage's L7 billion empire,

English,

operates over 400 prisons

in 60 countries.

- He's built 25 of them here.

- Right, sir.

The man's related to the royal family,

for goodness'sake.

As far as the prime minister's

concerned, he's one of the

greatest friends England's got.

Now, English, I want you at the Tower

tonight, monitoring this unveiling.

Any chink in security,

any weakness,

however slight,

must be plugged immediately.

Do we understand each other?

- Perfectly, sir.

- Good.

- Oh, yes.

- And, uh, English...

we can't afford any mistakes--

not tonight.

The word ''mistake,'' sir, is not one

that appears in my dictionary.

THE TOWER OF LONDON

[ Engine Revs ]

Fantastic car, sir!

Mr English, Colonel Sir Anthony

Chevenix, head of Royal Security.

Ah, Colonel,

good evening.

- Snipers posted on the roof

as per my request?

- Thirteen of them.

- Windows?

- Refitted with bullet-

and shatter-proof glass.

I shall now mingle

inconspicuously with the guests.

- Let me know when Her Majesty arrives.

- Very good.

Shall I mingle

with you, sir?

Oh, yes, Bough.

Once you've checked the roof.

[ Screaming ]

Help! Help!

Well, hello.

Hello yourself.

Johnny English.

Lorna Campbell.

A Bloody Mary, please,

not too spicy.

So, are you here

in some professional capacity?

I worked on the restoration

of the jewels.

- Intriguing.

- And yourself?

If I told you that,

I'm afraid I'd have to kill you.

I'd like to see you try.

Monsieur Sauvage,

on behalf of Her Majesty,

may I welcome you

to the Tower.

Merci, monsieur.

So, are you here alone,

Mr English?

That's how I choose

to live my life, Miss Campbell.

Women want safety, security.

I can offer them nothing but danger.

Some women find danger

very attractive.

Women like you,

Miss Campbell?

Women like me

expect men like you...

to find that out

for yourself.

Hmm.

Madame.

Oh, it's for me, actually. Could your

rustle up some of those cheesy niblets?

Now, where were we?

You obviously haven't met

our host, Monsieur Sauvage.

No, thank God.

You know, I think I'd rather have

my bottom impaled on a giant cactus...

than exchange pleasantries

with that jumped-up Frenchman.

As far as I'm concerned, the only thing

the French should host is an invasion.

[ Snickers ]

Sorry, can I help?

Pascal Sauvage,

jumped-up Frenchman.

Lorna Campbell. I've been so looking

forward to meeting you.

- Enchant.

- [ Muttering ]

But of course! You're Johnny English.

I've heard all about you.

And between you and me,

I'm not so keen on the French myself.

But please

don't tell them that.

Let me go and search

for your nibbly cheese bits.

- No, no, no. I--

- I insist. The French are,

after all, fantastic waiters.

- The best in the world.

- Well-- But-But--

- Wait here, and I will wait on you.

- No, really. There's no--

No. Please, please, please!

Hmm. Les Franais.

Ils sont very...

n'est-ce pas?

Ladies and gentlemen,

mesdames est messieurs,

bienvenus, welcome tonight

to this wonderful occasion.

As we stand here

in the Tower of London,

the most famous prison

in the world,

where these wonderful

jewels will rest safely...

under lock and key,

I want to thank you...

for giving me

this wonderful experience...

to contribute to the restoration

of these jewels.

It was, as we say in France,

le top, le best of.

- [ Feigned Chuckle ]

- And what a beautiful--

[ Screaming ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Woman Screams ]

It's Colonel Chevenix! He's got

a nasty wound, sir. Who hit him?

The assailant.

He ran in here.

Bough, you guard the door.

Aha!

[ Grunting ]

[ Pounding, Grunting ]

For God's sake, Bough, don't come in.

The man's a maniac!

- [ Guests Gasp ]

- You don't frighten me!

- [ Glass Shatters ]

- Missed!

[ Guests Gasping ]

[ Grunting Continues ]

[ Karate Yells ]

[ Body Falls ]

- [ Guests Gasping ]

- I've managed to subdue the assailant.

The panic's over.

Everything's under control.

- [ Applause ]

- [ Chevenix Groans ]

Thank you. And now,

ladies and gentlemen,

we should compose ourselves

for the arrival of Her Majesty...

and return to the site

of our great nation's...

magnificently restored

Crown Jewels.

[ All Gasping ]

I know.

I feel it too.

The very symbols

of our island nation,

so close we could almost

reach out and--

- ## [ Trumpet Fanfare ]

- Pray silence

for Her Majesty the Queen.

[ Queen ]

Oh, where are thejewels?

[ Pegasus ]

It's an unmitigated disaster, English.

I couldn't agree more, sir.

Well, we need to get these

jewels back, English, and fast.

Tell me about this assailant.

When they searched the room,

there was no sign of him.

Well, the man was clearly

a professional.

He must have escaped while

the queen was being sedated.

But he's the only lead we've got.

We have to find him.

Come in. This is--

This is Roger from Data Support.

Please sit down. He'll produce

a likeness based on your description.

So tell us,

what did this man look like?

Um... well...

he was... big.

- Hair colour?

- Um... orange.

- Orange?

- Mmm. And curly.

Well, frizzy, actually.

Frizzy sort of thing.

- Frizzy.

- An eyepatch.

Broken nose.

Very few teeth.

Two, I would say,

at the most.

And a scar on his cheek...

in the shape... of a banana.

- Which cheek?

- Both cheeks.

They sort of met

in the middle.

Are you sure

about this, English?

[ Gasps ] Oh, yes, that's him.

An uncanny resemblance.

Why, it's just as if

he's in the room with us.

[ Horn Honking,

Tyres Screeching ]

Wow! Look at this, sir.

Got all the bells and whistles.

Never mind about the gadgets.

Just focus on the case.

[ Horn Honks ]

[ Engine Revs ]

Oh, uh--

Good morning, gentlemen.

Thank you very much for waiting.

Now, the question that faces us

this morning is a simple one.

Namely, how did the thieves gain access

to this highly secure environment...

and then escape

with thejewels afterwards?

A simple question, but one

which I believe has a complex answer.

- Actually, sir--

- Uh, please, Bough. My mind is at work.

Now, what you must grasp, gentlemen,

is that the master criminal...

sees not a room

but a series of opportunities.

Should I go in

through the window?

Possibly.

- Should I drop down from the ceiling?

- Actually, sir--

There's one thing I think

we can be fairly confident about,

that is that they didn't

come up through the floor--

I've got you, sir.

That's all right.

Just come my way, Bough.

- That'll bring me

right over the hole, sir.

- There's no need to panic.

Can you see

the bottom yet, Bough?

Not yet, sir. The shaft

appears to be narrowing.

I'm just a little bit worried

I might get stuck.

Trust me, Bough. You won't

get stuck if you just keep moving.

Yes, sir.

[ Bough Grunting ]

I'm okay, sir.

Are you at the bottom

now, Bough?

No, I am in fact

stuck now, sir.

Oh, for God's sake, Bough.

Stay there! I'm coming down.

Uh, I'm not especially sure

that's a good idea, sir.

Don't Worry.

Be careful, sir!

Gently does it.

- [ Screaming ]

- Sir?

- Are you all right, sir?

- Yes. I landed on something quite soft.

- That was me, sir.

- Oh, good.

What now?

There's no way back

up there, that's for sure.

But this must lead

somewhere.

I'm slightly uncomfortable

in the dark, sir.

There's nothing

to worry about, Bough.

- It may be pitch black,

but we can still see.

- Can we, sir? How?

The Bedouin monks of

the Al Maghreb mountains...

developed a system

of sonic chanting.

- I see, sir.

- The sound of their chanting...

would bounce back

off any obstacles,

and using their

highly tuned ears...

they could paint a mental picture

of the path ahead.

- Brilliant, sir.

- However, you must always

sing in E-flat.

## [ Humming ]

# E-flat, E-flat, E-flat #

# Thank you for the music

The songs I'm singing #

- Is it working, sir?

- Extremely well, thank you, Bough.

# Thanks for all

the joy that-- ##

- [ Thud ]

- OW!

You all right, sir? I think

I can see something, sir.

Oh, yeah. Come on.

[ Quiet Chattering ]

[ Man ]

Here is the long one.

[ Man #2 ]

It is a long one.

Careful.

- I knew it.

- Shall we call for backup, sir?

What? And watch some fat-bottomed

bobby make our arrest for us?

I don't think so.

Good morning, gentlemen.

MI7 at your service.

Observe, Bough, the dull

incompetence of the criminal mind.

It can never hope to match

our level of technical expertise.

- [ Tyres Screeching ]

- [ Coughing ]

- You've got it.

- [ Bough ] What do we do now, sir?

Watch and learn, Bough.

- They're too far ahead of us.

- Have faith, Bough.

They're heading south.

[ Nuns Screaming ]

- There they are, sir!

-Just as I thought.

- Hang on tight, Bough.

- [ Bough Groaning ]

- [ Horns Honking ]

- We're never gonna catch them in this.

- Take the wheel, Bough.

I'm getting in the Aston.

- Sir?

[ Truck Horn Honking ]

Change places, Bough.

I'm getting out the other side.

Sir?

Set, Bough.

Take me up.

Swing me out, Bough!

- Whoa.

- DoWn.

- [ Horn Honking ]

- Up! Up!

Sorry!

Bough, pull out!

OW! OW!

Those idiots

are right behind us. Faster!

[ Horns Honking ]

Uh-huh.

[ Beeping ]

[ Horn Honking ]

Drop me here, Bough!

Ow! Oh.

No! No! No!

[ Bough ]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[ Engine Starts, Revs ]

[ English ] They're turning into

the Brompton Cemetery.

Get here as soon as you can.

I'm going in.

In a wheelchair. But Geoffrey

overcame these terrible disabilities...

with that simple resilience

and sunny optimism...

that so warmed

all of us who knew him,

spending the rest of his life

in the service...

of the poor and disabled

of this parish.

It's very good.

Really very good.

No, no, please go on.

I'm sorry to interrupt.

- It's very entertaining.

- Who's that?

That priest act of yours should keep the

other prisoners entertained for hours.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Where are

my manners? Johnny English,

British Secret Service,

and you are all under arrest.

I must say you've done

this whole thing very well.

The attention to detail

is excellent.

You, the grieving granny,

you're very convincing.

Oh, look. Real tears.

Do you get paid extra for that?

Ahh, what

we're all here for.

I know! Why don't we

take a look inside?

- [ Mourners Gasp ]

- Oh, you've nailed it down!

Why would you do that?

I know you're gonna come back

in two weeks and dig it up again.

## [ Hums ]

Now, what are you playing in this

little vignette of deceit and villainy?

I'm the hearse driver.

- You're the hearse driver?

- Yes, sir.

- You're the hearse driver?

- Yes, sir.

Ah! Aha!

There you are... Gunther.

Uh, I do hope he hasn't

made a nuisance of himself.

I'm Doctor, um...

Bough, of the Lunatic

Response Unit.

I'm afraid Gunther here wasn't

supposed to be released until 202 8.

Isn't that right, Gunther?

Yes, yes, there's been

the most monumental c**k-up.

Um, if you'll excuse me,

with the deepest respect,

utmost sympathy.

Uh, he hasn't urinated

on anyone, has he?

- No.

- No, no.

That's a blessing. Are you

gonna give me the gun, Gunther?

There. That wasn't

too difficult, was it?

- Are you going to come home now?

- [ Speaking Gibberish ]

[ Speaking Gibberish ]

Oh... in the van!

Yes, we are going in the van.

Yes, yes.

Vroom, vroom.

- Vroom, vroom. Vroom, vroom.

- Yes. Yeah.

- [ Gibberish ]

- Yes. He's waving good-bye.

Good-bye, everyone.

- Good-bye.

- Good-bye, Gunther.

Mind the nice dead people.

There we go.

[ Squeaks ]

Oh, we'll just go to the path

here. There. Big step.

It's a graveyard. It's

where they bring people--

Yes, all right.

You can stop noW.

- For appearances,

I'll just hold your arm.

-Just keep walking.

In fact, run, run, run!

I can't believe

I've done this.

I mean, I really

cannot believe I've done this!

You see, 200 years ago,

my family should have inherited

the throne of England,

but they were cast aside.

Well, in a few

very short days,

it will be back

where it belongs.

With me.

Shall I try it on?

Yes? No? Maybe?

To make you king, we need

the archbishop of Canterbury to do that.

The archbishop of Canterbury...

is being taken care of

even as we speak.

TARGET ACQUIRED

TARGET LOCKED

There's only one thing, sir.

What are we going to do about English?

If I were you, I wouldn't worry

too much about English.

He is no threat to us.

I had his flat bugged.

[ Karate Yells ]

- [ Yells ]

- [ Duck Squeaks ]

Clearly, the aptly named

English is a fool.

He might be a fool, but he's

a fool who keeps showing up.

Well, the next time

he shows up,

eliminate him.

Thank you.

Dieter Klein

and Klaus Vendetta, sir.

Released from prison six months ago.

32 7 convictions between them.

Armed robbery,

grievous bodily harm...

and combined parking fines

of more than 400--

Uh, yes, all right. Thank you, Bough.

I think we get the picture.

The point is, sir,

that Vendetta and Klein...

are both in the employ

of Monsieur Sauvage.

- Pascal Sauvage?

- Precisely, sir.

But you're not suggesting

Sauvage is involved?

I think he's more

than just involved, sir.

I'm convinced he's

up to his French neck in it.

Don't be absurd. Sauvage

employs thousands of people.

Just because two of them

are villains doesn't mean that he is.

I want him discounted from this

investigation immediately.

Yes, sir.

All right. Tonight I shall be

at Sauvage's reception

for the new French ambassador.

Any developments,

you can reach me there.

Apart from that, I don't want you

within a hundred miles of the man.

Absolutely, sir.

Requisition order: MI7 quartermasters

for immediate supply;

one military transport plane,

fully fueled, with permission

for nighttime city over flight;

two night camouflage parachutes,

plus reserves, plus neoprene

bodysuits, twice, in black.

I've never liked the navy blue.

And a 40-inch chest for me

'cause I need the sleeve length.

- Morning, Felch.

- Morning.

Oh, and two Special Forces

signet rings,

primed and colour-coded.

- What's all this for?

- For tonight's operation.

We're going to break into

Sauvage's headquarters.

- But Pegasus said--

- Let me worry about Pegasus.

I know that Sauvage

is behind all this, and tonight

we're going to get the evidence.

- Is something wrong, sir?

- Did that sound like Felch to you?

[ Whispers ]

Bough--

[ Whispers ]

You, upstairs.

[ Grunts, Groans ]

Ow.

Can you see him, Bough?

He's on the upper level, sir.

Got him.

And like a coiled viper...

he strikes.

[ Bough Groans ]

So what you're saying, sir,

is there must have been two of them?

Oh, at least, Bough.

Possibly four.

I wonder why

I didn't see them.

You mustn't dwell

on your mistakes.

- You must learn from them, then move on.

- Yes, sir.

- So where were you, sir?

-Just drop it, Bough!

- Aah! What is it, sir?

- That bike.

You get things

sorted out for tonight.

Well, well, we meet again.

Mr English.

What a pleasant surprise.

I wondered when

you might show up again.

On the contrary, Miss Campbell. It is

not I who keeps showing up. It's you.

Do you like sushi?

Hmm?

Oh, sushi! I practically

live off the stuff.

You might say the mysteries

of the Orient are no mystery to me.

- Sake?

- Ah. Sake.

[ Speaking Japanese ]

Cheers.

May all your daughters

be born with three bottoms.

Now then, perhaps

you can explain how it is...

that I run into you

at two crime scenes...

and then can't find any record of you

on a single government computer.

Shouldn't you ask

the government that?

I am the government

and I'm asking you.

Let me.

Mmm. You're brave.

They say that sea urchin's

the ultimate acquired taste.

Hmm. It's a personal

favourite of mine.

I think people are put off

by how it feeds through its bottom.

Would you excuse me

for a moment?

[ Gagging ]

[ Shouting In Japanese ]

Excuse me. Sorry. I'm from MI7.

Sorry. I'm a secret agent.

- Everything set, Bough?

-Just about, sir.

Actually, sir, do you mind if I

run through the plan one more time?

- No, no.

- These are the two buildings here.

This one is our target, Sauvage's

headquarters, next to City Hospital.

I jump first and land

on the south side of the roof,

abseil down 1 4 floors and

cut through this window here.

[ English ] I then land on the east side

and abseil down 1 2 floors.

Where you wait for my signal

that I've disabled the alarm system.

- Yes.

- You them break into this window here,

work your way along the secure corridor

and penetrate Sauvage's office.

- Yes, yes.

- Is that okay, sir?

It's been okay ever since

I thought up the idea, Bough.

Oh, I nearly forgot, sir.

Your laser beacon.

- My what?

- Your laser beacon!

It'll guide you

onto Sauvage's building.

Your dependence on hardware

really does amuse me, Bough.

I've been dropped

into the Kalahari Desert...

carrying nothing more than a toothbrush

and a packet of sherbet lemons,

and I still found my way

to Bulawayo before Ramadan.

So thank you, Bough,

but no thank you.

- [ Buzzer Sounds ]

- Bough, go!

Geronimo!

- [ Buzzer Sounds ]

- Fandango!

Ugh! Ai-yi-yi.

Right.

- [ Beeps ]

- Alarm's disabled, sir.

Roger that, Bough.

[ Grunts, Groans ]

This is worse

than I thought, Bough.

Sauvage has got some kind

of laboratory set up here.

God knows what kind

of sick operation he's running.

[ Door Opens ]

My God, what

have they done to you?

They've taken

some of my blood.

- Bastards!

- It's only for tests.

Of course it is.

Come on, my friend.

Let's get you out of here

before they take anything else.

[ Groaning ]

Ah! Good evening,

Dr Frankenstein.

This way, please.

Come on.

I haven't got all night.

And you,

you angels of death.

About turn.

Come on, let's go.

Come on, come on.

Keep moving.

Come on. Over there. I know

what you're doing here. And you.

Come on. Quicker. Quicker.

Over there.

Now then,

perhaps you could direct me

to your evil paymaster.

- What are you talking about?

- You know exactly

what I'm talking about.

Where is the office

of Pascal Sauvage?

Are you coming over here

in a minute, sir?

I'm from MI7.

This has been a test of your

emergency response systems,

and I have to say

you've all done extremely well.

Right.

Well, I'll leave you to it.

And, uh, get well soon.

Oh, God!

Sir. Sir.

[ Exhales ]

Did you just land

on the wrong building?

I did a precautionary sweep

of the immediate environment.

Right.

- And everything was fine.

- Good.

Okay, let's go.

I will be downstairs

at the reception--

- That's far enough.

- Well, good evening.

- Perhaps you'd like this as well.

- What is it?

- Let me show you.

- Aah!

Well executed, Bough,

but completely redundant.

- How do you mean, sir?

- Super-strength muscle relaxant.

When he wakes up, he'll be

as floppy as a damp old sock.

[ Men Conversing, Indistinct ]

What's this?

That's the face of

the archbishop of Canterbury.

[ English ]

What are they doing?

[ English ] What's this got to do

with the Crown Jewels?

Bough.

[ Beep, Whirring ]

[ Bough ]

English.

A people whose empire

once covered...

one quarter of the surface

of the earth.

Alas, no longer.

My friends ask me, ''Pascal,

how can you be so interested...

in such a backward,

grotty little country?''

My answer is simple:

the queen.

The queen has more power

in her tiny white gloves...

than any other head of state

in the entire world.

She can declare war

or make peace,

and most intriguingly...

she can seize any piece of land

which takes her fancy.

Of course,

the queen never uses...

the enormous power

afforded to her.

But imagine someone

who would use that power.

Imagine, say, me.

But how could he do that, sir?

How could he make himself king?

The archbishop.

- [ Sauvage Continues, Indistinct ]

- [ Door Opens ]

OW.

Hands up.

There's a good fellow.

Heavily armed for a late night

at the office.

You fool, English. You'll never

get out of the building alive.

I'd save your breath

for my questioning.

I'm not telling you

anything.

Incorrect.

Sodium pentothal.

- I won't lie to you. It's a truth serum.

- [ Groans ]

Now then, why does Sauvage

want to have himself crowned?

You have no idea

what's going on here, do you?

[ Chuckles ] It would be funny

if it wasn't so ''pablibblit.''

What?

[ Mumbling Gibberish ]

- He's talking gibberish, sir.

- I can hear that.

[ Groans ]

- He's collapsed onto me, sir.

- I can see that.

- You don't think you could've

got the syringes mixed up?

- What?

Given the guard outside truth serum

and given Klein the muscle relaxant?

Aah!

Don't be ridiculous, Bough.

I think I know my right from my left.

- Sir?

- Oh, bugger it.

Bough, take ''flodd.''

- Take what, sir?

- ''Flodd.'' ''Schlage.''

- I'm not quite getting

that second word, sir.

- ''Schlaaaagh!''

- Write it down, sir.

- ''Schlaaaagh!''

Yes!

[ Muttering Gibberish ]

''C.'' C-A-- Uh--

Car! Take the car!

We came by plane.

[ Muttering Gibberish ]

Bugger off!

- Hold it right there.

- [ Groans ]

- What's wrong with them?

- I'm not telling you.

Wrong ansWer.

What is it with you two?

Huh?

[ Groaning ]

Let's get outta here.

Sorry, but who are you,

exactly?

Special Agent Campbell.

I'm attached to Interpol in Paris.

We've been watching Sauvage

for months.

Why?

Because every major convict released

from a Sauvage prison in six months...

has been employed

by one of his companies.

We believe he's recruiting them

for a major criminal conspiracy.

- We just don't know what yet.

- [ English Mumbles Gibberish ]

- What did he say?

- Pegasus!

We have to report

to Pegasus!

Oh, no, sir.

No, no, no.

- How do we get out of here?

- Hey, you tWo!

What you did to me

really hurt.

Yeah. Sorry about that. How do we

get out of here without being seen?

Okay.

Left by the fountain, right by the fire

exit, to the elevator at the end.

- Thank you.

- Oh, my God.

Nice job, Bough.

- Left, sir. Left!

- [ English Muttering ]

[ Bough ] Sir, you can't go

to Sauvage's reception in this state.

The effect of the drug

has practically worn off.

I'm ''fline''--

''schline''--

uh, ''gline''--

## [ Orchestra ]

- Monsieur.

- Ah. Thank you.

[ Glass Shatters ]

- Would you like another?

- Please.

Thank you.

[ Groans ]

What in God's name--

Ah, Foreign ''Sebretarary.''

Um--

[ Moans ]

Aah!

- ## [ Up-tempo ]

- Shall we dance?

[ Groans ]

Excuse me, sir.

I'm very sorry to interrupt--

Pascal, how nice

to see you again.

- Enjoying the party?

- Oh, splendid affair.

I was until I was informed

that your man English...

and his curious boyfriend here

have spent the evening...

breaking into my office

and assaulting my staff.

- Is this true, Bough?

- Well, we-- we--

What do you think

you're up to?

- Sir, if I could just offer--

- Go home, Bough!

NoW!

I gave you direct orders

not to meddle with Sauvage.

What do you do? Break into his office

and assault two of his staff.

Then you march in here,

loaded with God knows what,

and insult the foreign secretary.

I haven't encountered such

behaviour in Whitehall in 30 years.

- But--

- There are no ''buts,'' English.

You're off the case. Your security

clearance is hereby cancelled.

After a three-month leave of absence,

you will return at your old grade.

And I hope never

to hear your name again.

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

[ Sauvage ]

English has seen too much.

We go to plan ''B.''

Get rid of

the fake archbishop...

and green-light

the visit to Her Majesty.

Then this pathetic country

can humiliate itself...

by crowning me officially.

THE QUEEN'S RESIDENCE

AT SANDRINGHAM

That's a letter

of abdication...

renouncing your claims

to the throne...

and the claims

of your entire family.

Sign it.

Never.

[ Yelps ]

- [ Gun c**ks ]

- [ Whimpers ]

[ Dog Barks ]

- [ Rings ]

- Yes?

Prime Minister, sorry to call so late,

but I'm afraid the queen is abdicating.

What?

Abdicated?

But that's not possible.

I only wish that were true.

- Let me talk to her. Maybe she just--

- Pascal, she's gone.

My people have spent

the last 1 0 hours...

trying to track down

the rightful heir to the throne...

and they've come up with a name,

which they've double-checked.

Who is it?

- It's you.

- No!

## [ Whistling ]

[ Radio Announcer ] In the wake

of the return of the Crown Jewels...

to a police station

in North London,

Pascal Sauvage has requested

that his coronation...

take place

this Thursday.

In the House, the prime minister said he

was looking forward to the ceremony...

and he believed that Monsieur Sauvage

will make a fine king...

and will bring all that is

best about modern Europe

to our ancient institutions.

[ Doorbell Ringing ]

Get your car keys.

We've got work to do.

- Miss Campbell.

- Sauvage is heading back to France.

He's invited 1 3 of

the richest criminal masterminds

in the world to meet him there.

I'm sorry, Miss Campbell.

I'm off the case.

It's been reassigned.

I know.

Reassigned to me.

- I want you with me.

-Just leave me alone.

Are you gonna sit here in this

grotty flat feeling sorry for yourself?

Or are you gonna get out there

and save your country?

I'm gonna sit in the flat.

-Johnny, this is ridiculous.

- I'm a spent force.

Spent, my a**.

OW.

Will... you...

please... stop?

[ Groans ]

I'll just be a minute.

NORTHERN FRANCE

It'll be nightfall in an hour.

Then we can strike out for the chateau.

The fact is, the moment Sauvage

gets that crown on his head,

he'll be able to do whatever he likes

with the country that I love,

and that is why you and I

have got to stop him.

- Relishing the thought?

- Something like that.

I suppose you've made love

to lots of women, haven't you,Johnny?

Uh--

Uh, well, you know,

one does one's best.

It's just--

Well, it's been three years

since my fianc left me,

and since then I haven't

made love to anyone.

But then I met you...

and I felt this...

hunger...

deep down inside.

I wanted to say things to you,

I wanted to do things to you...

that I haven't wanted to do

in a very, very, very long time.

[ Gulps ]

What, uh--

What sort of things

are we talking about?

Things like

punching you in the face,

kicking you in the backside for being

such a pompous, know-nothing a**hole.

But then I started to see beyond

the idiot that everybody else saw.

I started to see

the man on the inside...

who was determined to do his duty,

no matter what or who lay in his way.

And I began to feel

other things for him,

to want to do

other things for him.

Things...

involving plastic toys

and soft cheese?

- What? [ Scoffs ]

- What? What?

You're toying with me.

You're telling me to stop in

the gentlest way you know how.

No. N-N-No--

You're such a special person...

not to take advantage of me

while I'm vulnerable.

- N-No-- Well--

- So thank you...

for being such a gentleman.

Not at all.

I know what you're thinking,

Miss Campbell.

If we don't pull this off, God knows

what might happen to England.

Actually, I was thinking there must be

a better way in than that pipe.

Well, there isn't.

I've analysed it from every angle,

and this is the best option.

I'll go in first, and if it's a clear

way through, I'll call down.

Johnny.

- Be careful.

- I'm always careful.

Ohh.

[ Gagging, Coughing ]

[ Fart ]

[ Toilets Flushing ]

- [ Tapping On Glass ]

- Gentlemen.

In a few hours time...

I will become

the next king of England.

[ Whispers ]

Oh, no.

Hyah--

[ Gagging, Coughing ]

- How did you get here?

- Up the ladder.

Pull yourself together.

It's only a bit of poo.

Oh! Oh, it's cold!

It's cold!

What is the one commodity...

the world never seems

to run out of?

Criminals, gentlemen.

- [ Guests Murmuring ]

- Lawbreakers.

Every nation in the world

struggles...

with the issue

of overcrowded prisons.

So, what do we do

with all these villains?

Find the solution

to that problem...

and the governments of the world

would pay you through their nose.

Fortunately,

I have found a solution.

We empty every prison

on the entire planet,

we take the resulting

tidal wave of human scum...

and we put it here.

[ Gasping, Murmuring ]

The moment

I am crowned king,

I will turn England

into the largest prison...

in the history

of the world.

2 1 0,000 square miles...

of prime real estate...

conveniently separated

from true civilization...

by 20 miles of ocean...

- and soon to be available...

- Come on.

for the entire world

to dump its human waste in.

According to

current projections,

we will not run out of prison space

for the next 500 years.

So, tonight one,

and only one, of you...

will leave here

owning 49 percent...

of this venture.

So that's his little game.

We must get hold of that DVD.

But how,Johnny?

There's only two of us.

You're young, Miss Campbell,

and inexperienced.

What you seem to

have forgotten is that...

[ Over P.A. Speaker ]

nobody knows we are here.

At our disposal we have

the vital element of surprise.

Now, my plan is simple

but effective.

I shall drop from the gallery

at this end of the room

and take Sauvage prisoner.

You will then enter from the far door,

cutting off any means of escape.

Then, using Sauvage as a hostage,

we'll get the hell out of here. Clear?

Get 'em up,

you French ponce.

But, Mr English,

I'm gobsmacked!

What an unexpected surprise.

Surprises are very much

my speciality, Sauvage.

I think we've seen

enough of this.

I know exactly what you're planning,

and I'm here to put a stop to it.

My bottom will be king of England

before you are.

Wrong again.

Perhaps you'd care

to look behind you.

Oh, please.

[ Weapons c**k ]

Lorna!

I'm sorry,Johnny.

Well, I'm afraid

that we'll have to...

conclude the floor show

for tonight.

Not so fast, Sauvage.

You may have taken me,

but you'll never take England.

Not as long as I have

breath in my body...

or a bullet in my gun.

[ Click ]

You know, Mr English,

I'm going to miss you. Really.

You're very entertaining.

I thank you.

Take them away.

[ Radio Announcer ]

Good morning, everybody,

and welcome to

the breakfast show.

[ Speaking French ]

As the crowds are gathering here for

the crowning of our first French king...

since the year 1 066,

call here at London FM with the top ten

things you most love about the French.

We haven't had

any calls yet, uh, at all,

but the lines are still open

and I'll give you that number again--

0-2-0-7--

zero, deux, zero, sept--

This is not good,

Johnny.

We've got to think

of something.

[Johnny ]

Wait a minute. I've got an idea.

Hop! Hop!

And hop! And hop!

And stop!

Now, are you familiar...

with the shaman throat warblers

of the Guatemalan delta?

What?

It has long been

their belief...

that a whistle pitched at the precise

resonant frequency of a metal lock...

will vibrate the levers in such a way

that the door will simply swing open.

Unbelievable.

- And kneel.

- [ Groaning ]

Right. Here goes.

[ Whistle:

Ascending Tone ]

- [ Sighs ]

- [ Whistle Continues ]

[ Tone Goes Silent ]

- I can't hear anything.

- I'm into ultrasonic.

Will you just stop all this

and face facts?

We've failed. The only thing

that can save us now is a miracle.

- [ Rasping Tone ]

- [ Lock Clicks ]

It worked!

- Ohh!

- Sir?

I don't know why you hauled yourself up

that dreadful poo tube, Bough,

when there was a perfectly good ladder

right beside it.

Now, Sauvage may have

fooled the country...

with his fake archbishop

and his secret agenda,

but he hasn't fooled me.

- So, here's the plan.

- [ Gasps ]

## [ Orchestra, Chorus.·

Majestic ]

# Let all good people

rejoice #

[ Chorus ]

# Rejoice #

- # Rejoice #

- Aaah!

# Let all good people

rejoice #

# Rejoice #

# Rejoice #

# Rejoice #

# Rejoice #

# Rejoice #

# And sing ##

Sirs, you are hereby called

to witness the anointing...

of your one true lord

and future king Pascal.

Pascal, are you willing

to take the oath?

I am willing.

Then be thou anointed...

with this holy oil.

And do you, the chosen bishops

of England, Scotland and Wales,

ascent to this anointing?

For Scotland, I do.

For Wales, I do.

For England, I do not!

- [ Congregation Gasping, Murmuring ]

- English!

That man must not be crowned king

because he is...

a fraudster, a charlatan

and a thief.

No, please.

Let him speak.

It is this man,

Pascal Sauvage,

who stole the Crown Jewels,

who forced the queen

to abdicate...

and who would kill anyone

who got in his way.

It is the end,

Herr English.

[ Yells ]

[ English ] He has cheated,

conned and manipulated...

this great country

for his own ends.

He's fooled you all!

What's more,

this whole ceremony is a sham...

because that man

standing in front of you...

is not the archbishop

of Canterbury.

[ Congregation Gasps ]

English, a word of advice.·

Don't go there.

Shut it, Frenchy. I'll go

wherever I damn well please.

- Now take it off.

- What?

Your face

is made of plastic.

Remove it at once.

I have no idea

what you're talking about.

Right. I'll just have to

remove it myself.

Come on!

[ Grunting, Muttering ]

- Maybe it pulls up from the front.

- [ Archbishop Groaning ]

Come on, you!

- Aaah!

- Thank you very much.

Must be a join here

somewhere.

Fascinating performance

as always, Monsieur English,

but I'm afraid

We must move on.

Nobody's moving anywhere until I'm

finished with this piece of low-life.

Do you or do you you not...

have tattooed on your bottom

the words,

''Jesus is coming--

look busy''?

- [ Congregation Murmuring ]

- Are you insane?

Well, let's find out,

shall we?

Go on, over.

Let's have a look.

[ Screaming, Gasping ]

- [ Laughing Hysterically ]

- Excellent!

All right, so I was wrong

about the archbishop's bottom.

- But there's more.

- But not, I'm afraid, today.

Sergeant, please

take this man away.

- But be gentle with him.

- Do you think that's it?

You think I don't have

more evidence?

My loyal subordinate

is standing by with a DVD...

which shows Sauvage's

hideous plans for this country.

Get him out!

Get him out of here!

- Play it, Bough! Play the disk!

- Play it! Now!

## [ Upbeat Pop ]

- [ Lip Synching ]

- # You're so hot teasing me #

# So you're blue, but I can't

take a chance on a chick like you #

# It's somethin'

I couldn't do #

# Well, I can dance with you, honey

if you think it's funny #

# Does your mother know

that you're out #

# And I could shout with you, baby

Flirt a little, maybe #

# Does your mother know

that you're out #

- # Take it easy #

- # Take it easy #

# Better slow down, girl

That's no way to go #

# Does your mother know #

## [ Continues ]

- Oi!

- Hey!

[ Mutters In French ]

Well, shall we?

[ Sighs ]

[ Archbishop ]

Then as Solomon was anointed king...

by Zadok the priest

and Nathan the prophet,

so be thou anointed...

and consecrated king...

over all the peoples...

whom the Lord thy God...

hath given thee to govern...

and of all your possessions,

wherever they may be.

And so,

in the name of the Father...

and of the Son...

and of the Holy Ghost,

I croWn you--

[ Congregation Gasping ]

[ Groans ]

Damn it!

- Give it back!

- No!

- That is my crown!

- Never!

- Give it back!

- Never in a million years, Sauvage!

- Give it to me!

- Get off.

Merde!

[ Shouting In French ]

Give it back!

- Stop!

- Shut up!

[ All Gasping ]

All this stupid little country

have to do is stand in line...

and do what it's told

for one miserable day!

But can it do that?

My fragrant French a**,

it can!

[ Gunshot ]

Merde!

- [ Gunshot ]

- Aah!

Give it! The crown, eh?

The crown! Go!

[ Shouting In French ]

And so, in the name

of the Father...

and of the Son

and of the Holy Ghost,

I croWn you...

king.

What--

Arrest that man...

and lock him away.

[ Congregation Cheering ]

# God save the king

Long live the king #

# God save the king #

## [ Chorus Continues ]

# Amen, amen, amen, amen

Amen, amen #

## [ Continues ]

# Ahh, amen, amen

Amen, hallelujah #

# Amen #

[ Cheering, Applause

Continue ]

# God save the king ##

Words can hardly express just how much

we appreciate everything you've done.

Nothing more

than my duty, ma'am.

And in return, is there anything that

your queen and country can do for you?

Well,

since one is asking,

ma'am--

[ Radio Announcer ] In celebration

of her return to the throne,

the queen has declared August 5

a national holiday...

and has conferred a knighthood

on the unnamed MI7 agent...

responsible for foiling the plot

of French businessman Pascal Sauvage.

Mr Sauvage is now awaiting trial

for high treason,

a crime which still

carries the death penalty.

If found guilty, he's asked that his

brain be donated to medical science...

to further research into the causes

of hyper manic schizophrenia.

Meanwhile, the unnamed English agent

has left the country...

and has already embarked

on his next challenging mission.

SOMEWHERE

IN THE SOUTH OF FRANCE

[ Lorna ]

SirJohnny English.

Her Majesty

did seem very grateful.

She's not the only one.

Mmm. You are

full of surprises.

Aaaah!

-Johnny!

- Oh, f--

# One eye on the shadows #

# Protecting his fellows #

# From sunup

to the moon on his back #

# Sendin' villains to Hades

A hit with the ladies #

# A stallion in the sack #

# You can't get your life back

when right follows left, jack #

# The more you see

the less you know #

# When others would leak it

his service is secret #

# Plays God

when it's your time to go #

# Hey, fellas

Don't bejealous #

# When they made him

they broke the mould #

# So charismatic

with an automatic #

# Never prematurely

shooting his load, ha #

# Queen and country

safe and sound #

# With villains

six feet underground #

# And no one knows 'cause

no one's found any trace #

# Of a man for all seasons #

# Loves 'em

and leaves 'em alone #

# So alone #

# And you and I

wouldn't have a clue #

# Who's doin' what, why

when and who #

# Up a creek with no canoe #

# Watch out for

the man for all seasons #

# Loves 'em

and leaves 'em alone #

# So alone

But safe at home #

# But safe at home

But safe at home #

# Queen and country

safe and sound #

# With villains

six feet underground #

# And no one knows 'cause

no one's found any trace #

# Of a man for all seasons #

# Loves 'em

and leaves 'em alone #

# So alone #

# And you and I

wouldn't have a clue #

# Who's doin' what, why

when and who #

# Up a creek with no canoe #

# Watch out for

the man for all seasons #

# Loves 'em

and leaves 'em alone #

# So alone

But safe at home #

# Queen and country

Safe and sound #

# With villains

six feet underground #

# And no one knows 'cause

no one's found any trace #

# Of a man for all seasons #

# Loves 'em

and leaves 'em alone #

# So alone #

# And you and I

wouldn't have a clue #

# Who's doin' what, why

when and who #

# Up a creek with no canoe #

# Watch out for

the man for all seasons #

# Loves 'em

and leaves 'em alone #

# So alone #

# But safe at home #

# Oh-Oh-Ohh, yeah ##